KAT: All right, let's do it again from the top.
We can cue music.
(SINGING) Marry me, marry me, say yes
Marry me, marry me
Say yes, for the rest The rest
I never seen forever Oh, yeah
I never seen forever In the wild
But now I'm lookin' Now I'm lookin' in its eyes...
NEWSCASTER: Tomorrow night, superstar Kat Valdez
and Grammy-winning hot, hot, hot Bastian
will make history when they perform
their new hit song Marry Me and exchange vows
in front of the whole world. 20 million people.
BASTIAN: See you tomorrow.
I'll be the one in the veil.
And guess who's gonna be one of them. Me!
Okay, I hear that she is wearing a Zuhair Murad custom gown
with 10,000 hand-beaded crystals.
I feel so grateful right now
that everything is the way it is.
I have a beautiful fiance
who's so supportive and loving and...
I feel so grateful for the American fans because
they are supporting me and Kat in a very nice way.
Marry Me is sweeping the country.
Planning the wedding show has been insane.
Strike that, the world.
Kat Valdez and Bastian are taking their vows onstage
in New York City tomorrow night,
and then jetting off to a private island
where they'll make, let's hope, more beautiful music together.
JUSTIN SYLVESTER: City National Bank,
bank of the stars, presents Marry Me.
The end of a tour and the beginning of a lifetime.
And with me is Colin Calloway, her manager. How are you?
I'm very well, Justin. How are you?
I'm good. Now, I heard this was all Bastian's idea.
Uh, no, no no, they both wanted to give something back to the fans.
You know, combined, they have a social reach of over 200 million people?
Uh, yeah, of course I know that. I'm the manager.
-Who's her bridesmaid? -Uh...
What about her exes? Will they be in the audience?
They got some people, uh, waiting for me,
-so I'm just gonna go and deal with that. -Just...
Bye, guys.
I hate dealing with managers.
KAT: (SINGING) Marry me
I want you in my life So bad
Ma-ma-ma, ma-ma-ma Ma-ma-ma
Marry me
WOMAN 1: Can somebody get this cart?
WOMAN 2: Can somebody help me?
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
It's a gift from Pasquale Bruni.
I mean, if you don't like it, I'll take it.
-Ah, that's beautiful. -Oh!
(BOTH LAUGH)
Um, let's pack it for the honeymoon.
-Okay. -Okay?
KAT: Oh, more flowers.
My God, this is insane. (CHUCKLES SOFTLY)
This is nothing. There's a moving van on Park
stuffed with wedding gifts, including a stove.
-Someone got me a stove? -It's from a fan.
Who thinks I don't have a stove?
COLLIN: Yeah, Tyra?
Donate all of it.
-(CELL PHONE RINGING) -Oh, it's Tom from iHeartRadio.
Tom, the man himself. Talk to me.
Of course I've got some tickets for you,
even if we are completely sold out.
I don't think there's a single person in this city
who's not clamoring to come to this wedding.
Think this is one of my better lunches, but you be the judge.
Dad, don't mess up my hair.
I thought that gave you good luck.
That was, like, a long time ago.
I think it was about a month ago.
How great is this?
Going to the same school together.
Mm-hm. Great.
Oh. And, Lou, you probably won't see that much of me.
I know that could be a problem for you,
but if you need to see me anytime...
-I won't. -I like the independence.
Good.
Oh, and you know the student that you're shadowing, Esther?
Full disclosure, Esther is in my math club,
but I don't want you to feel any pressure to join.
I'm not joining.
Tough audience.
(SNORING)
(CHILDREN CHATTERING)
Um... Dad?
-Can I go in alone? -Of course.
I was just gonna ask you the same thing.
If I could walk in alone,
you know, for my street cred.
I love you!
You may be good at football, you may be good at track,
but when it comes to math clubs...
ALL: You better watch your back!
Coolidge Pi-thons attack!
(HISSING)
Yes! What's our number?
STUDENTS: 3.141592...
(SCHOOL BELL RINGS)
65839...
-65839... -Percy, we got it. Good.
Okay, remember, if you sit in the question,
the answer will find you.
Terrific job today. I love the energy.
I'm telling you, if we bring that to the Mathalon finals, we win the...
-Oh, Esther, you got a second? -Yeah.
How's Lou doing? She good?
I think so.
You know, she's great at math, so at some point,
I wouldn't be surprised if she starts asking
about maybe joining the Pi-thons.
'Cause, you know, at her last school,
she made it to the Mathalon finals.
Really? She never mentioned that.
You know, that's the thing. She's really shy.
Oh, not at all. She was telling me about her vacation
and about this guy named David.
David? My ex's new husband?
What did she say about him?
-Uh-- -No, it doesn't matter. Never mind.
Actually, go ahead. Tell me.
Oh, just that he's awesome
and no matter what they do, it's always cool
-and exciting and, you know... -Fun.
-Yeah. (CHUCKLES) -Gotcha.
-All right. -Okay. Thanks, Esther.
I guess they're going cave diving.
-Hmm. Cave diving. -Yeah.
(DOOR OPENS)
Where?
PARKER: In a stairwell, spying on your daughter.
-Really? -CHARLIE: We're not spying.
We're... we're just watching from a distance.
We're not spying.
Look, she had a hard time at her last school.
I just want to make sure she's okay.
So, what, you thought you'd hook her up with the cool kids?
Parker, you're supposed to set a good example
as the guidance counselor.
I am setting the best example with my look and my vibe alone.
Jesus, kids still do the robot?
(RINGTONE PLAYING) Marry me, marry me, say...
-Is that a Marry Me ringtone? -Guilty.
What's Marry Me?
It's Kat and Bastian's new song.
It's everyone's new song.
-PITTS: It's my new song. -It's not mine.
People are gonna propose to it.
They're gonna post videos of themselves dancing to it down the aisle.
-Are you ready to be jealous? -Yes.
I'm taking my new girlfriend Roxy and her ex-girlfriend
-to their concert/wedding. -Shut up.
Where she's gonna look at me and say...
Hi, baby.
BASTIAN: (ON PHONE) Hi, love.
Did you see my post?
No. You post something?
(BASTIAN SPEAKING SPANISH)
(READING IN SPANISH)
So, do you like it?
I love it.
I love you.
I love you more, baby.
(INHALES DEEPLY)
-When'll you be home? -About an hour.
You know there's about a thousand people
-in this apartment right now? -What?
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
I know.
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
Twenty million?
(CHUCKLES) Yeah, of course.
Oh, my God. This has gotten so out of control.
(MAN SPEAKING SPANISH ON PHONE)
BASTIAN: I'm on with Kat. Wait.
Yeah, I just...
Now I just wish it was me and you on a beach somewhere.
No, my love.
You deserve the biggest wedding in the world.
And tomorrow's gonna be the best night of our lives.
-Can't wait. (CHUCKLES) -I can't wait either, baby.
Bye.
WOMAN: Where's Kat?
An interview in ten minutes.
CHARLIE: Look what I just found.
Scoot over.
I was just looking through some old pictures.
And look at this one I saw of you, me and Mom in Jamaica, parasailing.
We went parasailing?
Do you not remember?
I mean, to be honest, I don't remember you together at all.
Well, we were, and we had fun.
I get it, Dad. You were a fun guy.
I was, and I am a fun guy.
(CHARLIE SIGHS HEAVILY)
But, you know,
it's not just about fun.
It's... It's harder than that.
It's work. It's...
Well, think about Tank.
When Tank was a puppy.
-You remember that? -(CHUCKLES) Yeah.
You remember how fun he was
and playing tug-of-war with the Frisbee and him jumping around?
And now he's old, and his eyes don't work,
and you don't know how many good years he has left,
-but you still... -Dad, is Tank dying?
No. No.
I'm sorry, I... Tank's good.
I got a little off track.
I was just... What I meant is that
love is about sacrifice and the day-to-day.
Um, dad, uh, can I go to sleep now?
Yeah, of course. Yeah.
-Okay. Goodnight. -Okay.
Night.
FALLON: Last time she was here, Kat Valdez,
who let's just say is no stranger to weddings...
(CROWD LAUGHING ON TV)
...said she wanted to do something smaller,
understated, intimate,
with just, say, 5,000 of their closest fans.
-I mean friends. -(CROWD LAUGHING ON TV)
Just a simple wedding for a simple gal.
-Just like Mom's wedding was. -(CROWD LAUGHING ON TV)
SEACREST: (ON RADIO) Hey, good morning, New York.
It's 102.7. This is Seacrest with you.
ENRIQUE SANTOS: (ON RADIO) Kat and Bastian fans,
it's Enrique Santos with you.
MALE RADIO HOST 1: Tonight, Kat Valdez and Bastian
will give it all they got and tie the knot.
MALE RADIO HOST 2: Today is the big day.
MALE RADIO HOST 3: That shit is crazy, man.
KAT: (READING) "Then on the shore of the wide world I stand alone, and think,
"Till love and fame to nothingness do sink."
It's Keats. You think he'll like it?
If somebody explains it to him, yeah.
It's beautiful.
Oh, today is your wedding day!
-Aah! -(EXCLAIMS) Yeah! Yes! Yes!
Get it. Get it.
Tomorrow would've been our anniversary.
You guys went out for what, two weeks?
Seventeen days, if you include the breakup.
And she dumped me with a text.
So rude.
Come to the Kat Valdez concert with me tonight.
Parker, I'm not a big concert person.
Listen, this is a once-in-a-lifetime invitation,
and you don't even get it. This is Halley's Comet.
It's you wearing an outfit that flatters your body.
It's very rare.
Okay, I've got Lou tonight.
Good. I've got three tickets.
Bring her.
Maybe she'll think you're fun.
(SINGING) Church, church, church, church
Church, church, church
Like church, church, Church, church
Yeah
I'm down on my knees
I've fallen for you
You've opened my gates
-And showed me the truth -(CHEERING)
I'm born again I'm feeling renewed
You showed me the way
I'm baptized in you
I feel it in my chest
I got you in my head I'm putting on my best
Like I'm in church Church, church, church
Screaming out your name
Got me feeling safe
It's a new day Like I'm in church
Church, church, church
You make me sing out
ALL: "Hallelujah"
This kind of love will Do it to ya
Like church, church, Church, church
Church, church, church
Like church, church
Church, church
Yeah
Ready to say, "I do"
Making this woman true
Yes, honest to God It's true
Church, church Church, church
Ready to say, "I do"
Making this woman true
Yes, honest to God It's true
Church, church Church, church
You make me sing out "Hallelujah," testify
This kind of love Will do it to ya
Like church, church Church, church
Church, church, church
Like church, church Church, church
Yeah
Yeah, hey, hey, baby
I'm in church
Church, church Church, church
Ooh, I'm in church With you
I'm in church with you
Yeah, yeah
Yeah, Lord almighty
(ALL CHEERING)
WOMAN: We love you, Kat!
Yeah!
Thank you so much for being here
on such a monumentally special occasion.
How's everybody feeling tonight?
(ALL CHEERING)
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
Are there any Latinos in the house?
(CHEERING)
Well, I am looking for one in particular.
(BASTIAN SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)
Yeah! (LAUGHS)
-(ALL CHEERING) -KAT: Yes.
Ooh, hold this.
Hey, Roxy, check out my new best friends.
Oh, yeah, and suck it!
BASTIAN: That beautiful woman is gonna be my wife.
I should've worn my onesie.
(LAUGHS) Charlie.
(SINGING IN SPANISH)
Yeah.
Something's wrong.
-Where? -Page Six.
Are you guys ready for the wedding?
(ALL CHEERING)
(SINGING IN SPANISH)
-Where's Tyra? -WOMAN: In Bastian's dressing room.
-Oh, perfect. -Dancers, to the stage in five!
(SINGING IN SPANISH)
(CHEERING)
KAT: Mel! Where's Mel?
What's everybody looking at?
I know the groom is not supposed to see the bride before the wedding.
Can I just say, "Wow."
No.
ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen...
the moment you've all been waiting for.
(CROWD CHEERING)
-What's the matter? -Everything's fine.
-Something's weird. -Nothing to worry about.
What's everybody looking at?
-Forget about them. -Give me your phone.
Now!
It might not be real.
(CROWD CHEERING) Marry Me! Marry Me!
NEWSREADER: A Page Six exclusive.
An anonymous poster sent us this hot video
that's gonna blow your mind.
Kat Valdez's husband-to-be Bastian
was caught cheating on her with her assistant.
(ANNOUNCER SPEAKING SPANISH)
ANNOUNCER: Can I get a witness?
(CROWD CHEERING)
(CROWD CHANTING) Marry Me!
(CROWD CHEERING)
(MUSIC PLAYING)
(CHEERING)
(INAUDIBLE)
Can you... Can you stop the music?
Oh, shit.
And, uh, can you turn up the house lights?
Yeah.
(ALL GASP)
WOMAN 1: We love you, Kat.
MAN: Kat, we love you! WOMAN 2: Kat!
-I'm okay. -WOMAN 3: Kat, you're a goddess!
I'm told that, uh...
(SNIFFLES)
...20 million people are
supposed to watch me sing Marry Me to the love of my life...
(CROWD CHEERING AND CLAPPING)
...and then watch as we take our vows.
(CROWD CHEERING AND CLAPPING)
I didn't know she was gonna do this. Beautiful.
So it's only natural that I would want to see who I'm talking to.
WOMAN 1: We love you! WOMAN 2: Kat, we love you!
Probably didn't know about this either, did you?
Only natural that I say something,
if not about marriage,
then about... love.
Because that's what we're all looking for, right?
(CROWD CHEERING IN AGREEMENT)
-Love? -WOMAN: Yes!
NEWSREADER: A Page Six exclusive...
We get so caught up in what we want our life to be that...
(CROWD MUTTERING IN AGREEMENT)
...we forget what our love actually is.
-A lie. -(CROWD MURMURING)
MAN: It's okay! We love you!
A fairy tale that you sold yourself so long ago
that you forgot that wasn't real.
But deep down, you knew.
MAN: We love you, Kat.
(ALL CHEERING)
We love you, Kat!
MAN: We love you!
She's making a fool of herself.
-(KAT CRYING) -No.
KAT: Somehow you knew.
You did that.
You realize that it wasn't love at all.
You were just in love
with the idea of who you wanted that person to be.
But you can't marry an idea.
You know, they say, if you want something different,
you have to do something different.
So this time, for the first time,
you make a different choice.
You jump off a cliff so high you can't even see the fall.
And you just...
(CROWD CHATTERING)
MAN: I don't know. I don't know.
...say yes.
Why not?
Sure.
I'll marry you.
You.
(CROWD GASPING)
Dad. Dad, that's you.
WOMAN: I thought it would be Bastian,
but it's just some guy wearing a windbreaker.
Maybe he's a celebrity wearing a mask.
-Is this for real? -Yeah, it's for real!
Jesus H. She's talking to you.
Charlie, go! Go!
-Go! -Go!
ALL: Go!
(CROWD CHANTING) Go! Go! Go!
(WOMEN SCREAMING)
(CROWD CHEERING)
(HERE COMES THE BRIDE PLAYING)
Oh, my God.
Do you, Katrina Valdez,
take this guy to be your lawfully wedded husband?
And, I mean, really take him. Think hard, girl.
(CROWD CHATTERING)
-I do. -WOMAN: Wait, what?
And do you, some guy,
take Kat to be your lawfully wedded wife?
WOMAN: No! Bastian!
MAN: Do it! ALL: Yeah!
It's on you, bro.
(OVERLAPPING CHATTER FROM CROWD)
WOMAN: Say yes!
Okay.
We'll take "okay."
By the power vested in me by the state of New York,
I now declare you
husband and wife.
(CROWD CHEERING)
(CROWD SILENCES)
(CROWD CHEERING)
-Kat. -Get the hell away from me.
-Can I just explain... -I'm serious!
-Get her out of here! -Clear this area.
GUARD: Everybody out, please. MAN: What's going on? What happened?
Baby...
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
Screw you, Bastian!
We got in that fight in Miami, then you told me to get out.
Oh, so this is all my fault?
It's nothing. It was nothing.
-Get me out of here. -(SPEAKING SPANISH)
-Just... Whoa, just... -Wait.
Who the hell do you think you are, man? Some fan?
No, I'm not a fan. Just...
Well, I mean, I am now.
Okay. We're done. You lot, get your phones down.
Show's over. Go, go, go.
Carl, take these two round the back.
I'll have you send decoys round the front.
-CARL: Listen. -Just get him out of here!
(INDISTINCT SHOUTING)
Hey, move.
Hold him there. Hold him there.
Terry, I'm good.
(BREATHING INTENSIFIES)
That was crazy.
I'm sorry. I don't know exactly what to say
or what just happened, but I know on some level
you must have really cared about that guy.
I was marrying him.
Good point.
He's going to age badly.
No, he's not.
Yeah, you're right.
He's probably just gonna get better looking.
(CHUCKLES)
I'm really sorry about all this.
Me, too.
You gonna be okay?
Jeff will take you home.
Okay. Goodnight.
(CELL PHONE VIBRATING)
PARKER: (OVER PHONE) Charlie, finally.
Hey. How's Lou?
She's fine. She's at her mom's. Where are you?
I'm in a garage. I'm on my way home.
Hold on. You're saying you haven't seen it?
Oh, my God. You are everywhere.
Online, on television, on...
What do you mean "television"?
FALLON: (ON TV) Did you hear Kat Valdez got married
to a different stranger at the concert tonight?
-Do you believe that? -(CROWD LAUGHING ON TV)
On the way home from the concert tonight,
Kat Valdez also left the guy from the concert,
then married her Uber driver, and then...
(CROWD LAUGHS ON TV)
Now he's... he's driving them to the honeymoon
in Turks and Caicos, where she will marry the bellboy.
It's very... It's all... It's all happening...
(FEMALE NEWSREADER SPEAKING SPANISH)
(CRYING)
COLLIN: There you are.
You need anything?
Just...
tell me it didn't happen.
Why do I always pick the wrong guy?
I let everyone down.
No, no. No, you didn't.
I can't get out of my own way.
Come here. Come here.
It's all right.
We'll figure it out.
-I promise. -(SOBBING)
I promise.
We'll figure it out.
Well, the good news is there was a wedding last night.
The bad news is it was not a joke.
I have two things to say.
-First, Kat, we love you... -It's Bastian.
He says he just needs five minutes.
Hang up and turn that off.
I got to go.
God, he's unbelievable.
What now?
Well, he's going to Puerto Rico.
He says he needs to get his head together.
Huh. Whatever.
Kat, he was crying.
Not helping.
You all right?
No.
Okay, well, I did a bit of digging last night,
and it turns out, out of 10,000 potential dumpster fires,
you picked a decent, straight, single father
with no criminal record, and get this,
he's a maths teacher.
-And that's good? -It's great.
He's not gonna be a problem.
I say we offer $5,000,
get him to sign an NDA and let it all blow over.
Or...
Or?
Or I could stay married to him.
(CHUCKLES GOOFILY)
You're kidding.
You're not kidding.
You can't. We can't.
It's not legal. We didn't file papers.
So file the papers.
Wha...
I mean, play the record through here.
I started something last night,
and if I don't finish it, I look crazy.
"Er." You'll look crazier.
(EXHALES)
Namaste.
Yeah, we got to get out in front of this.
Now, he thinks he can publicly humiliate me? Screw him.
This is a manic response to an insane situation.
No, we have to change the narrative.
All right? I'm not marrying him forever.
It's just for a month, uh, a few months.
Now, presuming the man you married
doesn't have a girlfriend or a life,
and presuming I can get him to agree,
I'm not sure exactly what we're telling the world.
You don't want to be a joke.
I don't want to be the punch line.
We have to embrace the spontaneity of the moment
and just say...
"Nothing else has worked.
"Maybe this will."
You know what they say to do
when your car's skidding out of control, Colin?
Close your eyes and pray?
Hit the gas and turn into it.
Wait, what are you saying?
Rethink the paradigm.
We're not selling the world a fairy tale.
We're taking the fairy tale off the table.
That's what you did last night.
-That's what I did? -Yeah.
Look, I was just trying to help someone who seemed like
they were in the middle of a nervous breakdown.
We're calling it a break from tradition.
A moment of clarity where she picked you out of a crowd
and you, my friend, picked her.
I don't even know her.
Kat Valdez is a legend.
Self-made. She was raised by a single father
who died before she had any kind of success.
Now she's a woman north of 35
in a business that marginalizes women at any age.
People love their artists to bare their souls,
then vilify them if they go too far.
Well, I'm not gonna let them do that to her.
-And I'm asking you to help me. -How?
Stand beside her for three months.
And what does she think about this?
It was her idea.
-She had the idea for... -Yeah.
What if we offered you $10,000?
No. No, no, no. Wrong approach.
Offer him, like, a fundraiser.
He'll go for that.
Oh... Hi. I'm sorry. Are you two...
Ew. Gross. No.
Parker Debs, guidance counselor. Same school.
How about, uh, we host a fundraiser for your math club?
Don't answer that. Okay.
What about if it's, like, instead of three months, it's six months,
and it could be, like, a whole math wing?
I'm thinking about the children.
Yeah, this is ridiculous.
I don't think anyone's gonna believe that she's gonna go from Bastian to me.
-That's a good point. -Well, the fact is
that she did go from Bastian to you.
Counterpoint.
We're not pretending you're in love.
We're just gonna say that you're getting
to know each other, and if it goes further,
then great, and if it doesn't...
It won't. Come...
-Not with that attitude. -Well, then it doesn't have to.
This is about this moment.
Managing the media frenzy until things die down.
I have a daughter.
I don't want to drag her into the middle of a circus.
I can assure you, we won't impinge on your life whatsoever.
How does it feel to not be a nobody?
How do you feel about her being so much hotter than you, Charlie?
Hey, Charlie! Right here!
Hey, Charlie, are you gonna go through with this? Where's the honeymoon?
Did you get a good look at him?
Yeah. He's cute.
What?
-He's fine. -COLLIN: Hey.
Charlie, come in.
Oh, she's right there. Jesus.
Come over, guys.
Charlie, Kat. Kat, Charlie.
-Hi. Oh. -How are you? Oh.
(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)
-Okay. (CHUCKLES SOFTLY) -I'm Parker.
I'm... I am the one who brought Charlie to the concert,
-so I'm... -CHARLIE: Yep. (CHUCKLES SOFTLY)
Basically, I guess I'm responsible for this whole thing.
Hi, Parker.
Hey, Kat.
Hi.
Would you do me a favor,
uh, just two seconds, and just say,
"Roxy, you really blew it"?
Today Show is a go at 10:00 on Tuesday.
-Sorry. -They want...
Charlie.
Charlie in studio and Kat remote from London.
-Kat. -Excuse me one second.
-I just have to take a call. -Okay.
-Bye, Kat. -Everything's set up...
-She's like a real person. -All right, so what's going on?
Oh, we're booking interviews all week.
Uh-huh. I thought that's what today was.
No, no. Today's more of a press conference.
But throughout the next few weeks, we're gonna have some sit-downs and B-roll
and news outlets following us, charting the progress
as you two get to know each other.
It's all in your email.
I don't check my emails a lot.
How do you schedule your life if you don't check your email?
Easy. I can't do anything
between 8:00 and 3:00 Monday through Friday,
and I have math club after school,
and three days a week, I have my kid.
Beyond that, I'm pretty much available.
-So, sorry... -Melissa.
Melissa, you're gonna have to move The Today Show.
What? Excuse me?
We don't move The Today Show.
We move for The Today Show.
-He's gonna have to shift his schedule. -Okay, I'll handle it.
Okay, I can handle my own life.
I can help him handle it.
Uh, Melissa, shouldn't you be posting Vitamix?
That's Tyra's job.
Oh. Right.
Morning, everybody. I don't know about you guys,
but when I get up in the morning, I like to meditate.
I also love to have fresh juice.
So I like to juice daily with my Vitamix.
I take my fresh greens, mix and go.
Okay, look, I hate to interrupt an artist
while she's juicing, but we're gonna have to draw
a hard line when it comes to the students
-and the schedule, okay? -Yeah.
You're a little shiny.
Awesome. Let's take a selfie.
I don't feel comfortable.
-I really don't feel this is my world. -It's natural.
It just feels like everyone walking around is, like, a sycophant.
Everything in her life is sponsored.
-I know, but don't ruin this for me. -No, but listen to me.
-I... -COLLIN: Hey.
-How we doing? -I'm sorry.
I don't... I don't think it's gonna work out.
It's just perspective.
No, it's not just perspective.
You see her as some pop star with endorsement deals,
a narcissist who takes meaningless selfies,
but that's not the full...
Well, I mean, is a selfie ever meaningful? I mean...
Look up.
Look, I don't mean to be negative, but I'm not a big social media person.
I feel it's kind of a distorted reality.
I'm so glad I came to your TED Talk.
No, come on. I see it all the time in my students.
-It's... -WOMAN: Kat's ready to walk.
Okay, she's ready.
COLLIN: Social media can also reach people.
-No, I know. Yeah. -It can be a tool.
You know what a tool is, though, right, Charlie?
-Okay. Thank you, Melissa. -PARKER: Burn.
I know this is a lot.
Just go out there and be yourself.
Myself probably wouldn't be here, but...
Listen, if you don't want to do this...
Uh... What, then I leave?
I thought you said he was into this.
-COLLIN: He is. -He can hear you.
Ladies and gentlemen, Kat Valdez and her new husband,
Charlie Gilbert.
(APPLAUSE)
So, you think it's romantic marrying a complete stranger?
Uh, impulsive, without a plan.
-But, hey, look where my plans got me. -(LAUGHING)
So, you just
threw caution to the wind and thought...
I didn't think, actually.
It was a moment.
You're banking a lifetime on a moment?
No, I'm banking a moment on a moment.
Get enough of those, and that's a lifetime.
You know nothing about each other.
Did you think twice?
Charlie?
People meet randomly all the time.
At a... At a bar or...
Online.
Yeah, online, at 7-Eleven.
(LAUGHING)
I mean, why is this any crazier?
To state the obvious, you got married.
Yeah, and...
Now we get to know each other.
-But not as man and wife? -KAT: No.
That would be nuts.
Just for her.
For me, it would be pretty amazing.
(ALL LAUGHING)
Last night, I held up a friend's sign asking a woman to marry me,
and she said, yes, and I did, and...
you know, I did it not, you know, because she was beautiful...
-Well, maybe a little... -(REPORTERS LAUGH)
Uh, but it just seemed like, in the moment, the right thing to do.
So, what, you just saw each other and said, yes?
BOTH: Yes. (BOTH CHUCKLE)
And that doesn't seem frivolous?
Historically, marriage was transactional.
It was about expanding your empire,
and a woman's value was based on what she brought.
Like, "You give me a heifer, and I'll give you my daughter."
(MUTTERING)
CHARLIE: It's terrible. I know. That's...
You know, I didn't come up with it.
But it really was a business deal,
and it wasn't designed to be about love,
and maybe that's where people kind of get tripped up now.
MALE REPORTER: This is your second marriage, right, Charlie?
You wouldn't want to fail again.
(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)
Well, you haven't lived unless you've failed, Bill.
You should know that from your time at CNBC.
(ALL LAUGHING)
Listen, what we did was crazy.
We know that, but, you know,
it was just truly a leap of faith.
The rules as they exist pretty much suck for women.
I mean, why do we have to wait for men to propose?
Why is everything on his terms?
No, I think it is time to shake things up.
How about this? We pick the guy,
we keep our name and let him earn the right to stay.
(CHEERING IN AGREEMENT)
That was terrific.
No, no, seriously. Oh, and listen.
Don't worry about Tuesday.
We'll adjust our schedule around yours.
-It'll be fine. -Thanks. I appreciate it.
-No, of course. -We'll try not to
turn your life upside down too much.
CHARLIE: I think it might be a little too late for that.
I mean, do you ever get used to this?
Just the attention and the chaos and the people everywhere?
I don't know. Some days, you barely notice.
Other days, you feel like... a panda in a zoo.
You should know that up front.
Got it.
-Where you off to now? -Oh, London, for a meeting.
And I'm off to Flatbush for a dog,
which pretty much sums it up.
I'll see you at the next photo op?
Okay.
(CAR ENGINE STARTS)
Don't forget to check your schedule.
I got it.
OMG. He can't even text with that.
OMG. Yes, he can.
(WHISPERS) But very slowly.
(MOUTHING)
PARKER: You did not look nervous, and you know what, you kind of have
offbeat good looks for someone...
-Offbeat? -Charlie Valdez!
-Charlie, over here! -What are they doing here?
Relax. We're famous now.
REPORTER 1: Is this a throuple?
Where's your wife? Why don't you live with her?
Why are you yelling at me?
-I'm standing right here. -REPORTER 1: Come on, Charlie.
-I'm gonna go inside. -REPORTER 1: What are you doing?
REPORTER 2: Are you now Mr. Valdez?
REPORT 1: Are you in the doghouse, huh?
Gonna be a short walk. (STRAINING)
Go inside. I'll deal with this.
REPORTER 3: You been kicked out already?
The dog can't shit if people are watching.
Luckily, I can only shit if people are watching,
so if you're feeling lucky...
I'm busy, too, by the way.
(CROWD CHEERING)
BASTIAN: What's your name, baby?
WOMAN: Janice. BASTIAN: Janice.
You look so sexy tonight.
(WOMEN CHEERING)
KAT: I don't know about you guys,
but when I get up in the morning, I like to meditate.
I also love to have fresh juice.
So I like to juice daily with my Vitamix.
Could we get a Vitamix?
I'd like to juice daily.
Come on. Put that down. No electronics at dinner.
What do you call that?
I call that a nature documentary,
so we can travel while we eat.
Put it down.
So, is Kat, like, my stepmom?
No, Lou. Come on.
Dad, I think this experience is actually really good for you.
Says my 12-year-old?
It's true. I mean, you never just, like, do things without planning them.
I think it's cool.
I really want to meet her.
I mean, Parker says she's nice, and smart, and next-level hot.
She is nice. She is... She's an attract...
Here, let me get this.
Dad, she just hit 80 million followers on Instagram.
CHARLIE: Okay. I'm not impressed.
Talk to me when she gets to 90 million, okay?
Lou, it's not real.
It's all a facade.
You know, they had me wearing makeup.
You wear makeup now?
Wore once. Never again.
Well, you never say never,
but I don't plan on it
in the next couple months that we're doing this.
And you're saying the whole time I can't meet her?
I don't think Mom would want that.
Actually, Mom wants to meet her, too.
Oh, perfect.
Lou, you know that we're not really together.
Her manager stages things. Look.
-You have an iPhone? -Yeah.
I mean, it's just for scheduling.
-They're making me use it. -Huh.
Yeah, bowling, and then we're gonna do a photo shoot, so...
Uh-huh. But do you guys, like, talk ever?
It's just publicity. It's not real.
Hmm.
Yeah! Come on!
Okay, your turn.
Don't be nervous. It's just, uh...
It's not a competition. Just having fun.
Okay, no. I'm guessing
from the way you're holding that that you haven't done
-too much bowling. -Uh, what do I do?
Well, you're gonna want to put your fingers
-in the holes there. -Yeah. Uh-huh.
This one, yeah. Get your thumb in that one.
-There? That one? Okay. -Yep. And then take
three steps kind of... You want to land on your left,
and don't be afraid to use those little...
A strike is better than a spare, right?
That is not your first time bowling.
Yes! Did you get that?
-Come on! The old rope-a-dope. -Yes!
Oh, my God. I wish I put money on this, because people are loving it.
-What people? -Well, this is an Instagram live feed,
and 237,000 people
are like, "Why is he such a boring nerd?"
-Mel. -What? Their words, not mine.
Get off the live, Mel.
All right.
So, we just need a little bit more B-roll for The Today Show.
Well, I've got to get home to Tank.
-Is Tank his daughter? -Stop.
-Okay. -You have to go?
Yeah, if you guys are done with me.
Mm-hmm. We're going to a party.
You go.
Where's home?
KAT: Wow. Cool.
Thanks.
Yeah, it's a...
Kat, meet dog.
Wow, I never heard that one before.
Sorry. That was pretty... ruff.
(LAUGHS)
You are so lucky that Mel didn't hear you say that.
No, I'm lucky Mel isn't here.
I feel like you're never alone.
What? I'm alone now.
Well, I mean, yeah, other than Kofi.
KAT: Just ignore him.
CHARLIE: Is everything you do filmed?
-KAT: Banked. -Banked?
For my channel.
Just little mini episodes of life.
Uh...
Can we skip an episode?
-Want me to go? -KAT: Yeah, you can go.
-I'll see you tomorrow. -KOFI: Goodnight. I'll see you.
Happy?
Relieved.
Is this your daughter?
CHARLIE: Yeah. KAT: She's cute.
Thanks. Yeah, she's great.
Although she is in that awkward in-between phase
where she's still my baby girl,
but she definitely wants nothing to do with me.
And you can forget about getting hugs,
'cause it's not happening anymore,
which kind of breaks my heart,
but that's the way it goes.
What happened with her mom?
I mean, I'm sorry, you don't...
You know, it's none of my business.
You don't have to tell me.
No, it's okay. Um...
We were married, and we actually had a good marriage.
You know, then,
I don't know, all of a sudden, I got the feeling
she didn't want it or she didn't want me anymore,
and I had nothing to do but let her go.
And, you know, statistically, we're screwed,
'cause 48% of marriages end in divorce, so...
That means 52% work.
Ah, an optimist.
(KAT CHUCKLES)
-This is so cool. Can I? -Yeah.
And then I think when you get up to, like, second and third,
then it jumps up to, like, 67% failure rate.
Even if it's one in a billion,
what does it matter? It's worth a shot.
-Yeah. -Yeah.
I believe in marriage.
Jesus, still?
Haven't you been married like six times?
Three times.
Not including this. This is four.
But the first time was only 48 hours, so...
doesn't count.
But still, do you ever feel like just kind of,
"I'm waving the white flag on marriage. That's it."
No, it's like math.
When you get a problem wrong, you just don't give up on it.
You keep trying till you get it right.
CHARLIE: And what about you and Bastian?
How long were you guys together?
Mm. Year and a half.
I'd just split from my second husband.
He was a music producer who did, uh,
my last two albums and then sold a sex tape.
-(SUCKING TEETH) -That's not the worst part.
The worst part is I thought I could fix things.
Pretty hard to fix a sex tape.
Right.
Sorry. Yeah, it's just a little power nap.
-Pacing himself. -Hmm.
If we give him a minute, he'll... he'll restart.
-Okay. -But you were saying?
Well, this business, those type of guys,
they build you up to break you down.
But you were already famous, so...
It's not about fame.
You know, it's about credibility.
It just didn't matter how successful I was.
They never gave it to me.
You know, I've never been nominated for anything?
And then I met Bastian.
And he...
And he gave me this.
"Sing." What does that mean?
It means "Don't let them win."
Nobody's all bad, Charlie.
If they were, it would make it so much easier.
But cheating on you with your assistant is pretty bad.
Okay. (STRAINING)
Zoo mates.
See, we're not so different, Charlie.
(KAT SINGING) You know I tried so long
Come on. Come on! It's not a big...
Every time I thought I found it, I was wrong
I swear I must've spent A thousand nights
Lookin' for somebody Who could hold me tight
Until I realized
I am the love of The love of my life...
COLLIN: The Marciano brothers and Kat Valdez
are telling the world there's no age limit.
-Is that right? -Guess so.
I am the love of The love of my life
I was just waiting For you...
Think we've got everything we need.
We'll post to our socials, so... you're all set.
All right.
Maybe... Is it okay if I stay?
Oh, yeah. Yeah, of course.
Make yourself at home.
I can't tell you now
I don't know why Don't know why
And now I'll pick myself up
One more time One more time
You know I tried so long
Every time I thought I found it, I was wrong...
-Bye. -Bye.
-Hey. -Hey, Mom.
How you doing?
Hold me tight
Until I realized
I am the love of The love of my life...
There's a picture of you buying her a pregnancy test.
-Charlie! -No.
No, that was a stool softener for Tank.
I ain't got nobody else On my mind...
NEWS REPORTER: Kat Valdez and her new husband, Charlie Gilbert.
-What do I do? -Just stand and smile.
Charlie! Charlie!
REPORTER 1: Oh, my God, it's Bastian! WOMAN: Bastian!
REPORTER 2: Bastian, Bastian! Over here!
(REPORTERS CHATTERING)
Guys, this way. How about the three of you together?
No hard feelings, man. Yeah?
-No feelings at all. -(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)
Mm. Mamacita.
REPORTER: Bastian, one with the three of you.
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
REPORTER 1: What did he say to you?
REPORTER 2: Kat, Bastian, Charlie, this way!
REPORTER 1: What did he say, Charlie?
REPORTER 2: Look, Bastian! Bastian!
Thank you, guys.
My Spanish is a little rusty, but he said,
"You're the most beautiful woman I've ever seen.
"I'm such an idiot.
"And why did I get that neck tattoo?"
You okay?
I'm good.
CHARLIE: Now, where are you?
KAT: Paris, for a show.
CHARLIE: Oh...
-Paris! -CHARLIE: Is it weird having
everyone in the world know who you are?
No, what's weird is that everyone in the world thinks they know who I am.
CHARLIE: Yeah, I bet.
And you're headed home after that?
Well, um, I'm home tomorrow,
but then I have that private in Japan.
What's a private?
KAT: I get paid a fortune to sing songs
to like ten insanely rich people.
CHARLIE: Do you think maybe they'd want
to watch someone do some math problems?
(KAT LAUGHS) I'll ask.
CHARLIE: All right, well, I'll let you go,
but call me if you're lonely.
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
Hello?
KAT: I'm lonely.
(LAUGHS)
It's been like 13 seconds.
Are you brushing your teeth?
-Yes. -Are you going to bed?
It's like 8:00 p.m. there.
Um...
-Maybe. -Wow.
Well, I'm gonna read. I'm not gonna go right to bed.
-How's Lou? -She's really good.
She finally agreed to join the math club,
which makes me happy, 'cause she's phenomenal at math
even though she doesn't want to be.
Well, maybe she just doesn't want to be you.
That's for certain.
But it's not really that.
It's more that she's afraid, and,
you know, she almost won the Mathalon when she was 11.
-The Mathalon? -Yeah, the Mathalon.
It's kind of like the Grammys for math,
except there's like four people in the audience.
-Ah. -She kind of froze in the finals,
and then some kids made fun of her and...
I just want her to find her place.
Just give her a minute.
Yeah, definitely.
Okay, well, I'm glad you were lonely.
(CHUCKLES)
I guess I'll let you get to bed now.
-Bye. -Okay.
So long. Adios.
(LAUGHS) Bye.
See you.
Yeah.
(CHILDREN CHATTERING)
(SCHOOL BELL RINGS)
Okay, after you've completed the prime factorization,
identify the distinct prime factor.
All right, listen up, Coolidge Pi-thons.
-I'm here on official business. -Park...
First of all, who didn't get their waiver signed?
All right, you two, out.
Hey, you can't just dismiss my students.
(MOCKINGLY) Yes, I can.
You heard me. Scram. Beat it!
Now, for the rest of you who know how to follow direction,
I bring you the one, the only...
(STUDENTS GASP)
(SCREAM IN EXCITEMENT)
Kat, I love you!
Percy, stop yelling. She's right here.
Hi.
Thought you had a private for, like, a fortune.
I rescheduled.
PARKER: All right, who's got a question for Kat?
-I do! -Me!
Say something smart. Don't embarrass me.
Uh, George.
Did you really kiss Katy Perry?
Actually, she kissed me.
ALL: Ooh.
-PARKER: Next. -Oh!
Uh, not George.
-Spencer. -Don't care.
Why is Mr. Gilbert better than Bastian?
Well...
he didn't cheat on me with my assistant.
ALL: Ooh.
Okay, you guys caught us right in the middle
of our mock Mathalon training,
which you're welcome to stay and enjoy for a little bit.
Uh, Lou, you're up.
-(WHISPERS) Dad, no. -KAT: Is that Lou?
Yeah.
Finally. Hi.
-I've wanted to meet you forever. -Me, too.
PARKER: Are you kidding me? They haven't met?
-No. -What is wrong with you?
-Well, they... -(WHISPERS) You're married.
Can we forget about the mock Mathalon?
I have a million questions for Kat.
Yeah, and Lou's too scared to get up in front of people anyways.
Shut up, Jose.
Oh, well, don't worry. I totally get it.
You know, sometimes when I have to get up in front of an arena
with thousands and thousands of people, I get so nervous.
-(CHATTER IN DISAGREEMENT) -No, I'm serious. I'm afraid I'll choke.
Okay, Mel, pull up "Kat VMAs 2010."
-I've got it. -Okay.
-Hey, Google. -Look at this.
Show me a video, "Kat Valdez 2010 VMA performance."
(SINGING) Number nine, yeah I'm going up
I'm getting so high
I'm not the sa...
KAT: Hey, Google. That's enough.
(ALL GROANING)
Yeah.
I forgot the lyrics on live TV
to a song that I wrote.
It could happen to anybody.
Yeah, but the point is that once it does,
you're always worried, you know?
What if it happens again?
What did you do?
I shifted focus.
I made my dance so hard
that all I could do was concentrate on the steps.
So, it's like you distracted your mind.
Yes. Exactly.
Concentrating on the dance steps made me forget how scared I was.
Mel, we're gonna need some speakers.
Not too loud, right?
(SINGING) I just got paid...
STUDENTS: Hey!
KAT: And two.
And free your mind, and three and four.
Make a turn, three and four.
Again, three and four.
And three and hour.
And one and two, and three and four.
And ask a question, three and four.
Look alive, Chuck, three and four.
Oh, uh, okay.
Lou, what is 43 times 101?
-4-3-4-3. -Yes!
Yes, you're on fire. Yes!
You're ruining it, Charlie, three and four.
Keep the time, and three and four.
And turn.
CHARLIE: Esther, what is five factorial?
Uh, 120.
Yeah!
All geniuses with rhythm.
(ALL CHEERING)
I just got paid...
ALL: Go, Percy. Go, Percy.
Go, Tristen. Go, Tristen. Go, Tristen.
Go, Jose. Go, Jose. Go, Jose. Go, Jose.
(ALL CHEERING)
Go, Leah. Go, Leah. Go, Leah.
Go, Kat. Go, Kat. Go, Kat. Go, Kat.
I just got paid
Give me that, give me that Give me that
Give me that, give me that
Give me that money Give me that money
-Give me that money -I just got paid
Give me that, give me that Give me that
Give me that, give me that
Give me that money Give me that money
I just got paid
(PIANO MUSIC PLAYING)
What are the words?
Uh... I haven't figured that out yet.
And, actually, the more I try, the harder it gets.
(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)
You know, when I can't figure out homework stuff,
my dad says, "If you sit in the question,
"the answer finds you."
Hmm.
And does it?
I don't know. I...
I don't sit long enough.
(LAUGHS) Yeah.
That's my problem, too.
So, do you like my dad?
I mean, he can be so annoying,
but he's also, like, really smart and nice.
You know, your dad says you're the best thing about him.
-That's probably true. -(LAUGHS)
MAN: Let's put it right over here.
LOU: Whoa.
-Is all this stuff for you? -Coach.
Is this another endorsement deal?
No.
They're donating merchandise to Dress for Success,
which is a charity that I work with.
That's awesome.
You like?
I love.
(LAUGHS)
-No way. -Yeah.
Can I?
KAT: Don't worry. I'll pay them back.
-Okay, come on. -Thank you.
You got another bag in here with some textbooks.
-Thank you. -KAT: Are you kidding?
I love it.
(BOTH CHUCKLE)
-I got to get her home. -What?
-Yeah. Yeah. -Already? No.
Okay.
I love Keats.
Oh...
Wha... Stop. What are you doing?
-I killed it. (LAUGHS) -(LAUGHS) It's not...
Listen, I'm gonna say something
that's probably gonna come out completely wrong,
but you're beautiful without all of that.
I mean, either way, you're...
good to go.
Good to go?
Good to go.
(LAUGHS) Okay, I'll take it.
You're a great teacher, Charlie.
Those kids, they're lucky to have you.
I don't know, hanging with you guys today made me
feel kind of normal.
Wheels up for Puerto Rico at 7:00.
Oh, my bad. I thought you were by yourself.
Puerto Rico.
Um, my friends, they have a bed-and-breakfast there, so...
That's...
Listen, if... if...
If Bastian is the guy that you think you're supposed to be with,
then, hell, I'll drive you to the airport.
But if you're not sure...
then come with me
to the fall semiformal tomorrow night.
Yeah, they need chaperones.
Maybe you need chaperoning.
Listen, I'm not saying this as your husband or even as your friend,
because technically I'm not either,
but if you go back to Bastian, aren't you just making
the same mistake all over again... again?
Are you asking me to the school dance?
Well, I could leave a note in your locker,
but here we are in free period,
-so I figured I'd take my shot. -(LAUGHS)
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
Welcome.
Excuse me. Oh, wait, wait, wait.
Come on. Okay.
Can I have your left wrist?
My left wr... Okay.
Oh, my God.
How sweet.
Oh, and I also got you this to give me.
(BOTH LAUGH)
So thank you very much.
-I'm glad I thought of that. -It's my favorite.
You look in...
You look...
Let's go to the dance.
(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)
Out of respect for Mr. and Mrs. Gilbert-hyphen-Valdez,
we would like the gym to be a photo-free zone,
so please check your phones at the door.
You did all this for me?
I might've had a little help.
You know what, Kofi, why don't you take the night off?
I'll let you know when I need you.
KOFI: All right. Have a good time, y'all.
Okay. All right.
Unsupervised.
I'm gonna screen-grab your search history
and send it to your mother.
That's a guarantee.
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
-Hey. -Hey.
-How are you? -Good to see you.
Kill the music!
A-one, two, three, four. Hit it.
(SINGING) Marry me, marry me Say yes
Marry me, marry me Say yes...
What are you doing?
You know, kids opening for pop stars is very big these days.
I've never Seen forever...
When did the glee club learn Marry Me?
When Charlie Gilbert became Charlie Valdez.
-I'm hungry, Mr. Pitts. -Keep singing!
You're an inspiration, Pitts.
Right back at you, Gilbert.
Oh, my God, they are so adorable.
Thank you.
If you could.
...tried
Yeah, okay.
"To Jonathan Gregory Pitts,
"a fellow architect of song."
(LAUGHS) Okay, let her breathe just a little bit.
Come on.
-Ring, ring, ring -Ring, ring
Church bells, let 'em ring Ring, ring...
Love and light.
-Love and light. -Okay. Cut!
-Tonight, tonight -Bring the music back!
Keep me satisfied...
(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)
So, do we have a job?
Do we have duties? What do we do?
Yes, we do. We got to monitor.
We got to guide. We got to encourage.
-Okay. -We might have to discourage.
-(LAUGHS) -We might have to separate.
And maybe later... Mm, dance?
I don't think you want to see that.
Oh, I do. I do want to see that.
Did you see my corsage?
I did.
Hey!
Aah!
(LAUGHING)
KAT: Oh, yeah, I want to do one.
-Ready? Okay. -Yep.
Hold this.
What are you doing?
A private.
Hey, everybody.
This is my first semiformal,
and, uh...
I just want to thank you guys for letting me crash.
We love you, Kat!
(CHUCKLES) Thank you, Parker. Love you, too.
You guys mind if I do a song?
-(ALL CHEERING) -Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
I actually wrote this song when I was about your age.
It was on my very first album.
It's called After Love.
You guys may not know it.
-I do! -KAT: Oh...
Do you want to come up here and do it with me?
(GASPS)
-You play? -Y-yeah.
Let's do it.
(CROWD CHEERING)
Give it up for a fellow architect of song, Mr. Pitts.
-Pitts! -Mr. Pitts!
(TUNING)
Ready?
Three, four.
(SINGING) Long nights in your car
Mornings in your arms
From five-hour calls
To nothing at all
I guess I missed the signs
The writing On the wall, ooh
Don't know where It all went wrong
But if this is how It's got to be
I need someone to tell me Tell me, tell me, tell me
What comes after love?
I want to know there's Something for me after us
I don't think my heart Was made to break this much
Tell me there's a Happy ever after love
Tell me there's a Happy ever after us
I believe, I believe
I believe in love
Even if, even if It wasn't meant for us
ALL: I believe, I believe I believe in love
I just need someone To tell me
Tell me, tell me, tell me
What comes after love?
I want to know there's Something for me after us
I don't think my heart Was made to break this much
Tell me there's a Happy ever after love
Tell me there's a Happy ever after us
(ALL CHEERING)
-Thank you. -Thank you.
KAT: Thank you guys so much!
Well, that is my new favorite song.
(KAT CHUCKLES)
What was your old favorite song?
I don't know, this might be
a little too edgy for you to handle,
but when my mom was sick, we watched a lot of musicals,
and her favorite was Camelot.
Hmm.
You know, it was like Game of Thrones,
but less nudity and murder.
More music and velvet.
(CHUCKLES)
But, anyway, when Lancelot wants to tell Guinevere how he feels,
instead of saying, "I want to be with you,"
he says, "We're gonna split up. It's inevitable."
That's a little depressing.
No, not when you hear it.
"If ever I were to leave you, it wouldn't be in summer."
(SINGING) If ever I would leave you
It wouldn't be in summer
Seeing you in summer I never would go
-It's nice. -Yeah.
Your hair streaked With sunlight
Your lips red as flame...
-Dance with me. -No, I don't dance.
Come on. Dance with me.
Just a little bit.
There we go.
How could it be in autumn?
How I'd leave in autumn
I never would know...
Shouldn't we be listening to Barry White, or Drake...
or whatever it is you listen to when you're about to, you know...
To what?
Well...
Well, I don't want to presume that I'm about to have the best night of my life,
but if I am, I don't want to do it to Robert Goulet.
I like it.
You do?
When you catch The fire's glow
A lot.
If ever I would leave you
How could it be in springtime
Knowing how in spring I'm bewitched by you so?
Oh, no Not in springtime...
Is this smart?
I think we left smart six weeks ago.
-Morning. -Morning.
Thank God you're here.
'Cause I did have just a minute of...
"Is she gone? Did she leave?"
I was like, "God, just...
"I know you rock stars move fast,
"on to the next town, like, just..."
-(CELL PHONE RINGING) -God. Here, take it.
Hey.
MEL: Hey, how was last night?
-Amazing. -Wait. Where are you?
-Are you with, uh... -Yeah. Charlie.
-Still? -Still.
"Charlie. Still."
KAT: Let's just move that to Tuesday.
-But they're expecting you. -Sorry. Just tell 'em no.
-Okay. -Okay.
I'll call you later.
Did I hear you just rearranging your day for me?
Maybe.
And you're welcome.
Thank you.
You and your mom?
Yeah, at Coney Island.
KAT: The Wonder Wheel.
Well, we actually called it "The wishing wheel."
Yeah. We loved going out there.
Although the last time that I took her out there,
it was closed, 'cause it was winter.
It was, like, right before she passed away.
-I'm sorry. -No, no.
It's okay. I like talking about her.
It happened a while ago when Lou was like five, but...
they definitely got to spend some good times together.
And it's crazy how much of her I see in Lou.
You think she would've liked me?
-No. -(LAUGHS) What?
Yes, she would've loved you.
She would've thought you were amazing.
I mean, she might have questioned a few things.
She was very...
Well, she was very self-sufficient.
Well, I'm, like, the most self-sufficient person on the planet.
-I mean, I do more things in one day-- -No, I know.
I know you do. I'm not saying that.
I'm saying you have a lot of people, you know, kind of handling things.
There's nothing wrong with having help.
I mean, it doesn't mean I'm helpless.
It just means that I have a lot of things on my plate.
I know, but you might not need as many people helping you
as you think you do.
So, what are you saying?
You want me to try being alone?
Because I could go be alone right now.
No, no, no, uh, let's be clear.
"Alone" means without help, not alone without me.
Wait.
Is this a challenge?
Now you get it.
-What, are you challenging me? -Yeah. Oh, yeah.
Yeah, but let's make it a real challenge, okay?
-Okay. -That means without doormen.
-Without yes-Melissa. -Fine.
Without cooks,
without cleaners, without hair extenders.
-(LAUGHS) -Yeah, this is serious.
Without live-feeding.
Without constant filming updates.
Without all that little stuff. Gone.
Okay. I can do that.
-Okay. -What are you gonna do?
Me? I'm... You know, I'm gonna be there.
I'm gonna monitor.
Mm-mm.
Nice try, buddy.
-Okay. -(LAUGHS) What?
You're gonna get on social media.
-No. -Yes.
Come on, that's... This is about you.
You're gonna go on social media.
You're gonna have Snapchat
and Instagram and TikTok.
-You're gonna do a dance! Yes! -This is about you.
-Don't flip it. -No, listen.
Why are you so judgmental?
It's so crazy.
No, look, this is gonna be a great thing.
It's an amazing platform for you as a teacher.
-(SIGHS) -Seriously.
If you don't do it, I'm not doing it.
Okay.
CHARLIE: So, this is your little getaway?
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
Nope. It's locked.
Nothing under there?
Gosh. Dang it.
-Jeff, can you... -No, no, that's cheating.
Come on. What are you gonna do?
You got a little problem.
Sometimes you just got to concede. It's okay.
(SECURITY ALARM BLARING)
You really like to win.
Yes! Uh! Ha ha.
Coming?
I'm sorry I couldn't find the wine glasses.
-It's better. -(LAUGHS)
Living room.
Oh, this... No. Sound.
(LIGHTS CHIME)
Oh, my God.
-Jesus! -Whose house is this?
Well, that actually could be nice
to offset the breeze from the broken window.
-We can make s'mores. -I like s'mores.
-Me, too. -Yeah.
KAT: (SINGING) What comes after love...
I am going to make us these smoothies all by myself.
I don't think my heart Was made to break this much
Tell me there's a Happy ever after us...
(SCOFFS)
I think you may have forgotten this.
Jesus, he's had an account for 45 minutes,
and he already has half a million followers.
-Oh, my God. Look. -GIRL: Half a million?
Now you need your own web page.
Already created it on Wix.com.
"Numbers Neva Lie."
-Oh, that's perfect. -That is a good one.
-I love that. Do you love that? -Yeah, I do like it.
So, what do you want your caption to be, Mr. G?
KAT: "If you sit in the question,
"the answer will find you."
(PHONE BEEPS)
(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)
Sorry, I was checking out this guy on Instagram.
Oh, should I be jealous?
He sounds very interesting and handsome.
Just posting about all this math stuff.
(GROANS) One of those.
Brought you an apple.
Happy birthday, part one.
Thank you.
Yeah, on my last birthday,
I was at a math conference in the Poconos.
-Oh! I have a lot to live up to. -Yes.
-Open it! -Okay.
Like, a handkerchief or...
Turn around.
Oh, it's a blindfold.
(KAT LAUGHS)
I'm a little taken aback.
I, uh, didn't know this was your thing,
-but whatever you're... into. -Shh.
KAT: Okay, straight ahead. CHARLIE: Okay.
I got to say, I'm getting excited.
-You should be. -Okay.
Wait, turn around.
It's not a pinata.
Maybe. Okay.
That's it, right there.
-That's where I need you. -Yeah.
-You ready? -Okay.
(MACHINES WHIRRING)
Happy birthday.
No!
How?
I know a guy who knows a guy.
Come on.
CHARLIE: Okay, so we're on the wishing wheel.
KAT: Yes. CHARLIE: Go ahead.
'Kay, done. Your turn. Make a wish.
I already got it.
(KAT SINGING) Since you came around
You're testing my faith
I'm praying out loud
Yeah.
I feel it in my chest...
-21! -Yes!
-Yeah! -Hey.
Come on. Okay. Sorry.
Great day, you guys.
We are finished. Grab your stuff.
-I'm ready. -You are. You're gonna be great.
-BOY 1: Yo, is that Bastian? -Amazing.
LOU: Thanks. BASTIAN: What's up, kids?
-(CHILDREN CHATTERING) -BOY 2: Oh, my God, Bastian!
Wait, what's going on?
He insisted on coming.
Hey, come on, now. Your parents are waiting for you outside.
Okay. See you later, guys. See you. Bye.
I tried to give you a heads-up,
but somebody wasn't answering her phone.
No, no. There are no phones at school.
-What are you guys doing here? -You got nominated
for Best Pop Vocal Performance at the Grammys.
-What? -Marry Me... (SPEAKS SPANISH)
-Oh, my God! -We got nominated!
-Can you believe it? -COLLINS: Congratulations.
-Oh, my God, yes! -Congratulations.
Yes. Oh, my God.
I can't believe this.
It was only a matter of time, babe.
-Oh, my God. -You should tell her.
Oh, yeah. So, um, Bastian's concert
at Madison Square Garden on Friday is streaming
across multiple platforms, so there's loads of exposure.
Yeah, he thought we could surprise everyone and do Marry Me.
COLLIN: Right. Now, the ballots are out next week,
and nobody's seen you two together since...
well, you know, a while.
Um...
You know, we don't have any
-of the dancers in town. -No, no, no.
It's short notice. I don't...
No, but wait. But we can do the ballad version.
The one that we wanted to release after the ceremony.
I don't know, Sebastian.
"Sebastian"?
Come on. "Sebastian"?
That's his real name.
Look, can I just...
I know this is a little...
I'm not trying to make a thing here,
but this is the song that you were gonna get married to.
This is huge for me.
Totally. Totally.
You should come. I want you to come.
Are you gonna come with us?
Right. Okay. I mean, it's...
it's not a big deal.
The nomination is.
So please don't be upset.
Uh, I'm just being a jerk.
And I'm sorry.
I just want you to remember award shows are bullshit
and you don't need them to tell you how good you are.
I know.
Just do me a favor.
Don't say "Sebastian."
(DOOR OPENS)
See you, babe.
-See you soon. -Hey.
We got to schedule a band rehearsal
-and a wardrobe fitting. -Okay.
-Now? -Yes, now.
-Yes. -Okay. You good?
-I'm good. -Are you sure?
Okay, I'll call you.
MEL: This is gonna be so exciting!
Hey.
-You okay? -Yeah.
Just keeping Tank company.
Good dog.
You're afraid she'll fall back in love with Bastian and dump you?
No.
Yeah.
I'd be afraid of that, too.
(CROWD CHEERING)
Thank you. Thank you very much.
Thank you. Um...
I have a little surprise for you tonight.
There is a woman
who's been my heart...
and my biggest inspiration.
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
She always gonna be my family.
And we're always gonna have...
Marry Me.
(CROWD CHEERING)
Crowd's going bananas.
I know.
I don't know if I'd say "bananas," but...
(SINGING) I've never seen forever
In the wild
But now I'm lookin' Now I'm lookin' in its eyes
Baby, you're my shelter
Shelter from a broken paradise
I couldn't dream it any better if I tried
True love gotta Ring, ring, ring
Church bells Let 'em ring, ring, ring
You're the queen I'll be the king, king, king
For life, for life, for love
Marry me, marry me, say yes
For the rest The rest of your life
I'm-a fly her off to Vegas
We could tie it up tonight No patience
Take my last name Put it where your name is
Have they ever seen A love this famous?
They never, no, they never
This forever, ever Ever, ever, ever
Ain't nobody do it better Better, better
Every song We getting better
True love gotta Ring, ring, ring
Ooh, we gotta
Church bells Let 'em ring, ring, ring
Ooh, they gotta
This queen need A king, king, king
For life For life, for life
-For life -Yeah
True love gotta Ring, ring, ring
-Ring, ring -Church bells
Let 'em ring, ring, ring
Ring, ring
Angels gonna Sing, sing, sing
Tonight, tonight Tonight, baby
Marry me, marry me, say yes
Marry me, marry me Say yes for the rest
-The rest of your life -Marry me, baby
Marry me, marry me, say yes
For the rest The rest of your life
Baby
(SINGING IN SPANISH)
Ma-ma-ma-ma Ma-ma-ma-ma, ma-marry me
Won't you marry me, baby?
Ma-ma-ma-ma Ma-ma-ma-ma, ma-marry me
I want you In my life so bad
Ma-ma-ma-ma Ma-ma-ma-ma, ma-marry me
Won't you love me, baby?
Ma-ma-ma-ma Ma-ma-ma-ma, ma-marry me
(BOTH VOCALIZING)
(CROWD CHEERING)
Get your ass to the Garden.
(LATIN MUSIC PLAYING)
MEL: Yes!
BASTIAN: Yeah. Pose. MEL: We did it.
We look so good!
You guys' chemistry is off the charts.
BASTIAN: Come on, guys. Let's do it.
WOMAN: And the audience felt it.
(LAUGHTER AND CHEERING)
(BASTIAN SINGING IN SPANISH)
-You know? -Yeah.
-Hey. -Oh, my God.
-I didn't know you were coming. -Hey.
No, I wasn't, and then I was like, "I'm gonna get down there," and...
but I didn't have a pass,
so I couldn't get in at first, and then luckily,
someone saw me and they brought me backstage
and then brought me over here.
So, you didn't see it?
No, no, I did. I did. Yeah.
Well... Did you like it?
(STUTTERING) I thought it was amazing.
I was really happy for you.
I think you're amazing.
Can you guys... You know, fine, we'll go over here.
Yeah.
(SINGING IN SPANISH)
It was great. It was...
Social media is exploding.
It's, uh... They're even saying you guys are back together.
Well, if social media says it's true, it must be true.
Wait, are you okay?
Yeah, no, I'm good. I'm good. I'm just...
I'm looking at you here, and it... It all worked out.
I mean, no one even remembers the meltdown.
I know. It's crazy, right?
I'm really happy for you.
You deserve it.
You really do.
(SINGING IN SPANISH)
God, he can sing.
Dame un segundo Un segundo chance...
"Segundo chance."
What is that? Second chances?
It's just a song.
Maybe.
Maybe it's something more.
What's going on?
Look, I know this is a big deal,
and that's why I wanted to come down here,
but I don't fit.
And I think that's objectively pretty true.
-And we don't need to-- -So, what are you saying?
Look, if I'm being honest with myself,
I really came down here
just to say that this... I don't think this works.
(CROWD CHEERING)
BASTIAN: Can I have a bottle of Hennessy X.O? Yeah?
Are you breaking up with me?
BASTIAN: Katarina. Kat.
Kat, come here.
-Come here. -It's okay. Go.
-Go. -No.
-Come here. -What are you saying?
-Tell me what you... What do you mean? -Everybody's calling you.
It's nothing. Talk later.
-Go. Go. -BASTIAN: Come here, baby.
CHARLIE: It's fine. Keep going.
-Come on. -(ALL CHEERING) Kat!
(LAUGHING AND CHEERING)
Guys, raise your glasses
to the woman who made all this possible tonight.
To you.
To you, Kat.
-Salud. -Salud.
Salud. Salud.
MAN: Yes, cheers!
MAN: It's for you, Kat!
(MELANCHOLY PIANO MUSIC PLAYING)
(CONTINUES PLAYING PIANO)
(SINGING) Always knew you
Even when I didn't know you
Don't make sense But it do
I was on my way to you
Every teardrop Fell so heavy
Hurt like hell, but Heaven sent me through
I was on my way to you
And every heartbreak Was a yellow brick road
Pointing me straight Just taking me home
I was never lost
I was just passing through
I was on my way to you
Hope was hopeless Faith was running
Didn't notice you were coming through
You were on your way, too
And you don't believe In meant to be
But somehow you were Meant for me, it's true
Yeah, you were on your way To me, too
Every heartbreak Was a yellow brick road
Pointing me straight Just taking me home
I was never lost
I was just passing through
I was on my way to you
I was on my way to you, oh
I'm on my way On my way to you
On my way
On my way to you
On my way
On my way to you, oh
I'm on my way I'm on my way
On my way
On my way to you
On my way
On my way to you, oh
And every heartbreak Was a yellow brick road
Pointing me straight Just taking me home
I was never lost
I was just passing through
On my way to you
On my way
-On my way to you -Ooh
On my way On my way to you
On my way
On my way to you
Oh, my darling
I'm on my way
(MUSIC FADES)
COLIN: Come on, Charlie. Don't be stupid.
Well, it's a little late for that.
-You got another one. -Take it, please.
It's made out to the school.
It just feels a little unseemly.
-I didn't do it for the money. -I know,
but if you don't take the check, then the prenup's not binding.
You could sell your story.
You could write a book.
(SCOFFS)
Is that what you think of me?
Oh, come on, Charlie.
I was rooting for you.
I wanted it to work. The whole world wanted it to.
I'm sorry to disappoint you and the world.
You're disappointing yourself.
I'm protecting myself.
I can't get away from her.
There's always a poster, a Vitamix or a billboard.
You know they're not together?
Maybe not.
But, Colin, can you do me a favor?
Will you be there for her when she figures it all out?
She's gonna need someone.
FALLON: On Friday's show, we'll be talking to the beautiful Kat Valdez
about her new hit single "On My Way,"
with a special surprise guest that you won't want to miss.
-Night. -Night.
MAN: (ON TV) ...established by jaw snapping,
headbutting or tail slapping.
Physical dominance establishes the leader.
Pods can travel in herds of up to hundreds of dolphins
and can cover 80 miles.
Mathalon, baby, with the Mathalonians.
-Headed to Peoria, Illinois. -Hey.
Coming to get ya.
-Wait, what are you doing? -We're live.
Say something smart or witty or, uh, numeric.
5,000 people are watching.
Bye.
-Charles. -I'm serious.
I can't. Turn it off.
Are you at some point gonna be fun again?
I was never fun.
That's true, and I love you anyway.
You know, you're not always gonna feel this way.
You're lucky you made it. We were gonna leave without you.
Parker. No, we weren't.
-Come on, let's go, Percy. -We absolutely were.
ANIKAH: I loved you and Charlie as a couple.
Are you still friends?
Is it okay if I ask you that?
Yeah.
Um, sure.
Yeah. (CHUCKLES)
He seems like the sweetest man.
You know, I actually DMed him
to wish him luck on his Mathalon tomorrow.
He never answered, obviously. (CHUCKLES)
Mathalon's tomorrow?
Yeah.
(DOOR OPENS)
-BASTIAN: Hey. -Hey.
I'll just fix that.
BASTIAN: Thank you.
-Oh, I like that. -Oh, thank you.
-BASTIAN: Nice. -(CROWD CHEERING)
FALLON: So, we've been... we've been
beating around the bush, and I think that
we should get right down to it.
I mean, we all know that you guys are not "together,"
uh, yet you wrote Marry Me for each other.
Uh, Bastian wrote Segundo for Kat.
Kat wrote On My Way for Bastian.
I'd say the next song should probably be, uh,
Come On Already! Am I right?
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
Let's see if we can get these two guys
to sing a little romantic duet when we come back. Ooh.
Do not change that channel.
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
I didn't write On My Way for Bastian.
I'm sorry, Jimmy.
I know it's an inopportune time to have an epiphany, but...
I don't want to go back.
Someone told me that if you sit in the question long enough,
the answer finds you.
And the answer is...
I don't want to keep making the same mistakes over and over.
I want something different.
-Come here. -(AUDIENCE EXCLAIMING)
So, I'm guessing no romantic duet.
REPORTER 1: Hey. REPORTER 2: Kat!
-That's Kat Valdez. -Kat! Kat, wait!
Where you going?
REPORTER 3: Kat, hey! How about a shot, huh?
Peoria.
-I'll get you a plane. -No.
I want to do this by myself, okay?
-Can't be that hard. -REPORTER 4: Kat, come on.
-REPORTER 1: Kat, where you headed? -How about another shot?
Take me to the airport.
Bye!
-REPORTER 2: Hey. -That's not our car.
Whoa. Is that Kat Valdez?
Oh, my God. Kat Valdez?
MAN: You're right. What's she doing here?
Sorry. The last connecting flight to Peoria
is through Chicago, but it's all sold out.
-(SIGHS) -If you fly tomorrow...
Tonight. It has to be tonight.
The Mathalon will be over by noon tomorrow,
and I promised I'd be there.
I will give anyone $5,000 for their standby slot to Chicago.
It's illegal. You can't buy someone else's ticket.
-You can't? -Kat.
Did you know it's illegal to buy someone else's ticket?
Uh, yeah. Everyone does.
Now, I can't get you a plane,
but we got you the last available ticket.
It's in coach.
-You're a lifesaver. -Yeah.
Tell me that after you get there, okay?
So, there's your passport and some money.
Go find your answer.
-Okay. -Go on.
Bye.
PILOT: Ladies and gentlemen, due to freezing weather conditions
and some strong headwinds,
we will be in flight a little longer than usual,
but we will get you there by morning.
Excuse me, miss.
I'd like to buy champagne and caviar for the whole flight.
I'm sorry. We only have ham wraps, cheese cubes
and Michelob ULTRA.
Okay, well, then ham wraps and Michelob ULTRA.
MAN: What about the cheese cubes?
Sure. Cheese cubes, too. Why not?
Um, also, who wants to sell me a very heavy winter coat?
Uh, the answer is nine?
-(BELL DINGING) -JUDGE: That answer is correct.
This round goes to the Coolidge Pi-thons.
Nice, Esther. Good job.
-Go, Esther! -(CHEERING)
Where are the people with the cars?
Excuse me, sir. Do you have a phone charger?
-I-I need... -No. Sorry.
-PARKER: I do. -You...
Colin called me, so...
Is Charlie here?
You know, I didn't tell him I was coming.
I didn't want to screw with him on the big day, in case...
You know, he's not good with the back-and-forth,
so I got to ask you, Kat, are you...
Is this for real?
Well, I walked out on Fallon to freeze my toes off in Peoria, so...
Excellent point.
I called an Uber.
-Forty-seven minutes? -What?
We're not gonna make it.
Didn't they already start?
Should we hitch a ride? I don't know what...
Wait!
(BRAKES SCREECH)
This woman, this superstar, this icon,
has flown in coach in stilettos
to win back the unlikely love of her life,
who, against all odds, she loves.
And he loves her.
He does, right?
Completely.
The next thing you say will forecast not just their future,
but the future of-of anyone whoever believed
in the magic of a leap of faith.
-Look... -She'll give you a thousand dollars.
The answer is 15.
The answer is correct.
-Five points, Trinity Numerators. -Yes!
Yes! Get 'em!
Congratulations.
After a break, we're moving to a sudden-death round
between the three-time champions,
-Trinity Numerators... -ALL: Yes!
...and the first-time finalists, Coolidge Pi-thons.
-Sudden death. -Ooh, blast off.
First up, Lou Gilbert for the Coolidge Pi-thons.
Choker better pray.
-(LAUGHING) -Shut up.
(LAUGHING)
You laughing at that?
Look...
I don't want to embarrass you.
I know that's your daughter.
CHARLIE: Yeah? MANNY: I saw her last year.
She's got stage fright.
My daughter's fine.
Look, I just think maybe it would be easier on you
if you guys just conceded the title.
-Concede? -Mm-hmm.
-Give you the trophy? -No.
It's more like you save yourself from humiliation.
Huh?
Okay, huddle up. Here we go.
So, uh, Coach Looney Tunes over there wants to know
if we just want to concede and give him the trophy.
-ALL: No! -That doesn't even make sense.
-CHARLIE: Yeah. -Four in a row, baby.
How about we go show him what the Pi-thons are all about?
ALL: Yeah!
(ALL HISSING)
Lou, you ready for this?
Watch me.
JUDGE: This next answer will determine
whether the Coolidge Pi-thons win the Mathalon.
Lou Gilbert.
-Yes, Lou. -Go, Lou!
(CHEERING)
-Come on, Lou. -You got this.
-Come on, Lou. You got this. -GIRL: Come on, Lou.
JUDGE: A circle with perimeter eight pi is inscribed in an ellipse
whose width is twice its height.
What is the area of the ellipse in square units?
GIRL: Okay. All right, all right.
You know this. Set your mind to it.
(BOY 1 WHISPERS) She's got it.
BOY 2: Yeah, she...
(IMITATES GAGGING)
Anyone know a good choke?
-Hey. -JUDGE: Quiet, please.
Please respect the Mathalonians.
GIRL: It's not fair.
BOY: Loser!
(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS)
I tried to protect you from this.
Stop it.
GIRL: Stay with us, Lou.
(MOUTHING)
GIRL: Don't let it get in your head!
CHARLIE: Lou.
What the hell is this?
-(CELL PHONE CHIMES) -Oh, my God.
You guys, it's over here!
BOY 1: Dork!
BOY 2: Yeah, Mr. Gilbert. Good idea.
GIRL 1: Yeah, that's it, Mr. Gilbert.
CHARLIE: Yeah.
You got it.
Come on!
(CHILDREN CHATTERING AND LAUGHING)
Come on. Objection. He's counting.
He's dancing, you lunatic.
That's Kat Valdez.
Oh, my gosh. I'm gonna die.
CHARLIE: Come on. Come on.
(CHILDREN CHATTERING)
GIRL: I believe in you!
32 pi!
-The answer is correct. -(CHEERING) Yes!
JUDGE: But the timer's elapsed.
The Trinity Numerators retain their national status.
We'll reconvene in ten minutes for the awards presentation.
GIRL: Hey, it's okay, Lou.
(CHANTING) Four years in a row! Four years in a row!
Hey. Hey!
I'm so proud of you.
-Dad, I lost again. -No, it doesn't matter.
First of all, you got it right. It was perfect.
But second of all, you were just up there.
You stood up there, and you were so brave.
I'm the one who should be crying for the dancing I was doing.
-(LAUGHS) -You were great.
Thank you.
I love you, Dad.
You were amazing, Lou.
Really, I mean,
you took a shot even though it was scary.
That's what matters.
Not everything adds up the way you think it will.
You know, they say if you want something different,
you have to do something different.
What if we're just too different?
What if we're not?
(CROWD GASPING)
(ALL CHUCKLE)
(MOUTHING)
I'm fully blacking out right now.
GIRL: Come on, Mr. G. BOY 1: Come on, Mr. G!
BOY 2: You're leaving her hanging.
Come on, dude.
Dad.
(BOTH CRYING)
ALL: Aww.
ALL: Ew.
CHARLIE: Here we go.
(SINGING) Marry me, marry me say yes
Marry me, marry me, say yes
For the rest, the rest...
I never seen forever Oh, yeah
I never seen forever In the wild
But now I'm lookin' Now I'm lookin' in its eyes
Baby, you're my shelter
Shelter from A broken paradise
I couldn't dream it
Any better if I tried
True love gotta Ring, ring, ring
-Ring, ring -Church bells
-Let 'em ring, ring, ring -Ring, ring
Angels gonna Sing, sing, sing
Tonight, tonight, tonight
Baby
Marry me, marry me, say yes
For the rest, the rest Of your life
Ma-ma-ma, ma-ma-ma Ma-ma-ma-marry me
Won't you love me, baby?
Ma-ma-ma, ma-ma-ma, Ma-ma-ma-marry me...
-Getting ready. -Tanky.
-This is the calm... -Ah!
Tank!
-Okay, wait. Slower. -He doesn't have teeth.
-Slower. Okay. -He doesn't...
Diamonds and a necklace everything else is off
Good boy.
Now he wanna bet He can beat me to the bed...
So, we met at Jimmy Fallon, didn't we?
-Yeah. -We didn't hook up at Fallon.
No, we had sex at Burning Man.
So, Kat made me come to one of those, um...
What are they called again, babe?
-It's called a Mathalon, bro. -Yes!
Oh, my God, it's so boring.
And what do you guys do there again?
-It's this thing called, um... -Math.
-Yes! Oh, my God. -Mm-hm. Yep.
I fell asleep just even thinking about it, but...
She did.
I met my most favorite person here.
We met at a party as she was leaving.
And had I walked out ten seconds earlier, we never would've met.
And I bet you wish that was the case sometimes.
(LAUGHS) Never.
I had a six-mile radius set,
and she definitely lived more than six miles away.
Well, she wanted to meet at 4:00 p.m.
Who meets at 4:00 p.m.?
When we met, he was in a unitard.
She liked what she saw.
(LAUGHS)
Eighty-one years ago, we were born in the same hospital
two days apart, in diapers.
Here it is 81 years later,
and we're back in diapers again.
Oh, Charlie! (LAUGHS)
We met on a dating app, but then,
uh, he invited me on the second date,
um, camping in the woods, and I was like,
"That seems unsafe...
-"so I'll go." -Her friend told her not to go.
Yeah, but she did, and it's been five years,
-and she's still alive. -(BOTH LAUGH)
BOTH: We met at a concert.
(SINGING) Spotlight on you got me zoomin'
I'm falling into you
We're dancing on tabletops
Neighbors calling the cops
When I'm with you Feels like
Nobody's watching us
We're burning down All the clocks
Hoping that time will stop
Block out The world tonight
Like nobody's watching us
Nobody's watching us
No, nobody's watching
So come touch my body
No, nobody's watching us
Nobody's watching us
No, nobody's watching
So come touch my body
No, nobody's watching us
Oh, oh, oh, oh
Right here by the light Of the moon
Spotlight on you Got me zoomin'
I'm falling into you
We're dancing on tabletops
Neighbors calling the cops
When I'm with you Feels like
Nobody's watching us
We're burning down All the clocks
Hoping that time will stop
Block out The world tonight
Like nobody's watching us
Nobody's watching us
No, nobody's watching
So come touch my body
No, nobody's watching us
-No, no, no, no, no -No-no-no, no-no
No, nobody's watching
So come touch my body
No, nobody's watching us
Na, na, na
(SONG ENDS)
(SINGING) Got ocean views from ceiling to the floor
Keep a milli by the bed A hundred more offshore
Closets full of Louis And Christian Dior
Picassos and van Goghs That no one's seen before
Diamonds drippin' down Like fountains
I'll sign, don't care What the amount is
Every day and night
Live a life filled with luxury
Don't matter when You're not with me
Yeah, yeah
(SINGING IN SPANISH)
Is this sentimental
To put all my money just Right where my heart is?
But, baby, you're special
No matter the cost I'm-a do it regardless
Let's take a jet We're riding out to Puerto Rico
Later we get the yacht Head to Santo Domingo
And my body, papi Es tu party
Now I'm flying You be the pilot
No questioning Our love, make my Best days even better
Long ain't long enough I'm looking at forever
Diamonds drippin' down Like fountains
I'll sign, don't care What the amount is
Every day and night
Live a life filled With luxury
Don't matter when You're not with me
Yeah, yeah
(SINGING IN SPANISH)
All right, all right
Mamacita, ha
Ooh, ooh