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A NETFLIX SERIES
2
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And here is the White House, where--
3
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Oh God, that drunk again.
Avert your eyes, kids!
4
00:00:19,959 --> 00:00:24,334
Hey, kids, everything they teach you
in school is a lie.
5
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The Deep State is controlled
by my shithead father.
6
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Chemtrails trap you in the '80s,
7
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Minions are real. I have seen one.
I have touched one with my own hands!
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-Oh my gosh, it's a bomb!
9
00:00:37,209 --> 00:00:39,084
Wait, are those Toblerones?
10
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Hey, hey, Reags.
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So are you… You good?
12
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I know it's your first day back
since your dad took over and all.
13
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Of course I'm okay.
What makes you think I'm not okay?
14
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Oh, God!
15
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Well, you did get a tramp stamp that says
"Mommy Likey Drinky" on it.
16
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Whoa, when did I get that?
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Life is just dreams turning to entropy,
you little shits!
18
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She doesn't mean that, children!
19
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I do mean it!
20
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Dreams die! Santa is fake!
21
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But student debt is real!
22
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You had to learn sometime, Braden.
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Welcome to the new Cognito.
24
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Listen to me, Brett.
My dad is an amoral sociopath.
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Having him in charge
will literally destroy the world.
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Yeah. He's installed a lot of security
cameras in the women's bathrooms.
27
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Rand Ridley is a dick!
28
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Shit talking detected.
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This is nauseating me, Brett,
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and for breakfast I had something
called a Bud Light Lime-A-Rita.
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The refreshing Bud Light mist
with a tropical lime twist?
32
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Yeah.
33
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We have to do something.
34
00:01:58,459 --> 00:02:01,418
Don't worry. I mean,
Rand can't make things that different.
35
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Listen up, peons, everything's
gonna be different around here.
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and I don't give a shit.
37
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Why are we taking orders
from mysterious robed assholes anyway?
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We don't even know who they are!
39
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From now on, we do what I say.
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Cognito is gonna reclaim its glory days.
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Then Cognito's gonna reclaim its ex-wife,
42
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and its daughter,
and its original, beautiful hairline!
43
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Uh, yeah?
44
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This is going to be the most globally
damaging midlife crisis since Elon Musk.
45
00:02:39,293 --> 00:02:41,834
-Hey, get to the War Room, you two.
46
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Oh my God, his kimono's open.
47
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-I can't unsee that.
-Don't barf because then I'm gonna barf.
48
00:02:46,126 --> 00:02:47,959
We'll have to hold it. I'm vomiting!
49
00:03:15,043 --> 00:03:16,918
Jesus, is that Reagan?
50
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I have never seen someone
mistreat their body like this,
51
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and I'm from Atlanta.
52
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We deep-fry iced tea.
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You guys know that I can hear you, right?
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I'm drunk, I'm not deaf.
55
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Greetings, Hench-ployees.
56
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Now that J.R.'s finally rotting away
in some shadow prison,
57
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the Ridley regime can officially begin!
58
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First up, my enemies list.
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It's long.
60
00:03:39,251 --> 00:03:40,626
Not so fast!
61
00:03:41,751 --> 00:03:44,793
Are you guys really gonna sit here
and take orders from my dad?
62
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In a week, he's gonna have us
assassinating Postmates drivers
63
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for getting his Taco Bell order wrong.
64
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The fate of the world is at stake.
65
00:03:51,834 --> 00:03:54,376
Hey, the Taco Bell thing
is not a bad idea.
66
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Intern three, write that down.
67
00:03:56,126 --> 00:03:59,126
Intern four, assassinate intern three
if he writes it down wrong.
68
00:04:06,126 --> 00:04:09,459
Did you guys see they replaced
all the watercoolers with vodka?
69
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Best day ever!
70
00:04:12,626 --> 00:04:15,293
Are you trying to Jerry Maguire us
right now?
71
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This must be so embarrassing for you.
72
00:04:22,584 --> 00:04:23,918
Uh, sorry, Reagan.
73
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Having one evil white guy in charge
versus another evil white guy?
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Uh, not that different.
75
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I just thought J.R. got Lasik.
76
00:04:33,334 --> 00:04:34,584
But…
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Ah, did you really think you could
launch a coup against me, sweetie?
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That's adorable.
You're just like your old man.
79
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I am nothing like you!
80
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Oh, so this is
what rock bottom looks like.
81
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More tropical than I thought.
82
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Give my daughter a timeout.
Somewhere she can get her head straight.
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-Oh, and, uh, nothing higher than a three.
84
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Reagan, wait!
85
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Thanks for all the help out there,
Brett-adict Arnold.
86
00:05:04,668 --> 00:05:07,084
This situation
scares the crap out of me, man!
87
00:05:07,168 --> 00:05:09,876
Well, Brett is here
to "care" the crap out of you.
88
00:05:10,751 --> 00:05:13,793
What? "Anonymous Anonymous"?
What the hell is this?
89
00:05:19,709 --> 00:05:21,959
but maybe with help
you could change your outlook.
90
00:05:23,043 --> 00:05:24,876
How about you keep tasing me instead?
91
00:05:32,834 --> 00:05:35,668
Oops, let's switch off
those Anony-collars.
92
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This is a safe space.
93
00:05:42,584 --> 00:05:45,584
Let's go around the circle
and share why we're here.
94
00:05:45,668 --> 00:05:49,251
-Hey, everyone. I'm Sasquatch.
-Hi, Sasquatch.
95
00:05:49,334 --> 00:05:50,501
Hi, Sasquatch.
96
00:05:50,584 --> 00:05:52,543
I feel like no one cares who I am anymore.
97
00:05:52,626 --> 00:05:56,709
I saw this kid in the woods the other day
and he goes, "Hey, Mom, it's Chewbacca."
98
00:05:56,793 --> 00:05:59,584
Fucking Chewbacca? He's not even real.
99
00:05:59,668 --> 00:06:02,334
Anyone I ever get close to
goes insane.
100
00:06:02,418 --> 00:06:05,001
I think it has something
to do with my relationship with my mother.
101
00:06:05,084 --> 00:06:09,168
I'm former Governor Jesse Ventura,
and I wanna know some things.
102
00:06:09,251 --> 00:06:10,918
Like are any of us real?
103
00:06:11,001 --> 00:06:12,584
Does happiness exist?
104
00:06:12,668 --> 00:06:14,501
Will I ever love myself?
105
00:06:14,584 --> 00:06:16,709
I'm just asking questions!
106
00:06:16,793 --> 00:06:18,168
Hello, I'm Richard.
107
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I'm a raging alcoholic
and I think I'm at the wrong meeting.
108
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Reagan, how about you?
109
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Fuck, this is so lame.
110
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Well, my dad stole my big promotion,
111
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he erased my memories,
112
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and I just tried to stage a coup
and nobody had my fucking back!
113
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Honey, I have been there.
114
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Right now, you must be thinking,
"Do I murder them?"
115
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"How many of them do I murder?"
116
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Yeah, I am.
117
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Oh, cry me a river.
118
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Excuse me?
119
00:06:51,043 --> 00:06:52,709
You know who she is, right?
120
00:06:52,793 --> 00:06:56,543
That's the daughter of Rand Ridley.
Head of Cognito Inc.
121
00:06:57,751 --> 00:07:00,001
Yeah, Miss Nepotism case here is crying
122
00:07:00,084 --> 00:07:03,334
because she has to wait
a little bit longer for her dream job.
123
00:07:03,418 --> 00:07:05,876
Wow, dickbag, who the hell are you?
124
00:07:05,959 --> 00:07:08,459
Okay, this is supposed to be anonymous.
125
00:07:08,543 --> 00:07:12,584
Ron Staedtler. I've been wiping minds
for the Illuminati for ten years,
126
00:07:12,668 --> 00:07:16,043
and in my line of work,
there are no safe spaces.
127
00:07:16,126 --> 00:07:17,543
Oh God, here we go.
128
00:07:17,626 --> 00:07:20,376
You think having
a few memories deleted is hard?
129
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Try being the guy
who deletes those memories.
130
00:07:23,293 --> 00:07:25,584
Then you're the only one
who has to live with them.
131
00:07:25,668 --> 00:07:29,668
Wow, I thought you had to be cool
to work in the Illuminati.
132
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-Who let this dork in? Am I right?
133
00:07:32,501 --> 00:07:35,543
And I thought you had to be smart
to work for the Deep State.
134
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Listen, asshole, I'm the smartest person
in this room.
135
00:07:38,418 --> 00:07:42,418
Guys, now there's a talking pillow
that determines who speaks.
136
00:07:42,501 --> 00:07:44,084
It's fluffy and relaxing.
137
00:07:44,168 --> 00:07:45,126
I know your type.
138
00:07:45,209 --> 00:07:47,918
You say you got into this job
to save the world,
139
00:07:48,001 --> 00:07:50,293
but all you care about is revenge.
140
00:07:50,376 --> 00:07:53,793
If you really wanted to save the world,
you'd do whatever it takes.
141
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You know what, you're right.
142
00:07:57,168 --> 00:07:59,834
Looks like you sad sacks
did motivate me after all.
143
00:07:59,918 --> 00:08:02,543
To take down my father on my own!
144
00:08:06,626 --> 00:08:10,043
Fine, I'm sorry for bringing a gun
to therapy.
145
00:08:10,126 --> 00:08:11,126
Again.
146
00:08:12,584 --> 00:08:14,168
Let's talk this week's mission.
147
00:08:15,126 --> 00:08:16,418
Bohemian Grove.
148
00:08:16,918 --> 00:08:19,334
Yes! Outdoor festival of the year!
149
00:08:19,418 --> 00:08:21,626
It's like Burning Man
but they actually burn men!
150
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Every year it brings together
151
00:08:23,459 --> 00:08:26,418
the six societies
that secretly rule the world.
152
00:08:26,501 --> 00:08:30,126
The Reptoids, the Atlanteans,
the Catholic Church,
153
00:08:30,209 --> 00:08:32,251
the Juggalos, for some reason,
154
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us, and of course,
our arch rivals, the Illuminati.
155
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Boo!
156
00:08:38,251 --> 00:08:40,459
So what's the deal
with the Illuminati again?
157
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They're the cooler version of us.
158
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This pompous d-bag is Dietrich Kluge,
159
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the head of the Illuminati.
And my mortal enemy.
160
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I hate that guy. Look how European he is.
161
00:08:52,251 --> 00:08:54,959
He's always making the Illuminati
fuck with Cognito.
162
00:08:57,334 --> 00:09:00,584
Those artsy-fartsy
Bavarian bastards!
163
00:09:00,668 --> 00:09:04,001
Every year, he challenges us
to the Power Struggle.
164
00:09:04,084 --> 00:09:05,626
A competition for dominance
165
00:09:05,709 --> 00:09:09,084
where the loser literally
has to kiss the other guy's ring.
166
00:09:09,168 --> 00:09:10,876
J.R. always lost.
167
00:09:10,959 --> 00:09:14,668
Well, now that I'm in charge,
Cognito's going back on top
168
00:09:14,751 --> 00:09:15,959
and here's how!
169
00:09:17,084 --> 00:09:18,459
Why's it so detailed?
170
00:09:18,543 --> 00:09:20,168
So many balls!
171
00:09:20,251 --> 00:09:23,334
I'm gonna use Reagan's nanobots
to supercharge my body,
172
00:09:23,418 --> 00:09:25,834
giving me the strength,
speed and dexterity
173
00:09:25,918 --> 00:09:29,084
to destroy that prick Dietrich
once and for all.
174
00:09:31,043 --> 00:09:33,626
Huh. I'll show that prick in AA.
175
00:09:33,709 --> 00:09:35,501
I'll ruin Rand on my own.
176
00:09:35,584 --> 00:09:39,084
Oh, you're villain monologuing?
That's fun. What is that thing anyway?
177
00:09:39,168 --> 00:09:41,918
It's a VR glove that can
control Rand's nanobots.
178
00:09:42,001 --> 00:09:44,834
The second I activate it,
Rand will be my virtual puppet.
179
00:09:45,376 --> 00:09:47,543
It seems a little far-fetched.
180
00:09:47,626 --> 00:09:48,751
Could that even--
181
00:09:48,834 --> 00:09:51,251
-Then why are you hitting yourself?
-Ow, ow, ow!
182
00:09:51,334 --> 00:09:53,459
Stop it! Jesus,
I just wanted to chit-chat.
183
00:09:55,126 --> 00:09:57,209
I'm gonna sneak into Bohemian Grove
184
00:09:57,293 --> 00:09:59,626
and make sure Rand loses
the Power Struggle.
185
00:09:59,709 --> 00:10:03,626
When everyone sees how pathetic he is,
he'll be fired and I,
186
00:10:03,709 --> 00:10:06,209
I mean, the world, will be better for it.
187
00:10:07,209 --> 00:10:08,959
So do you have a plus-one or--?
188
00:10:09,043 --> 00:10:10,501
-No way in hell.
-Just checking.
189
00:10:18,626 --> 00:10:22,543
Who's ready to Bohemian "Groove"?
190
00:10:24,209 --> 00:10:27,043
The annual Power Struggle
will begin shortly.
191
00:10:27,126 --> 00:10:31,084
And now, please welcome the six societies!
192
00:10:31,584 --> 00:10:34,168
They're a little wet,
they're a little wild,
193
00:10:34,251 --> 00:10:36,584
it's the Atlanteans!
194
00:10:41,709 --> 00:10:44,251
They wear sandals and create scandals.
195
00:10:44,334 --> 00:10:45,834
It's the Catholic Church!
196
00:10:45,918 --> 00:10:48,543
Mamma mia, Buca di Beppo
197
00:10:49,543 --> 00:10:53,626
Here comes the toast of the under-crust.
It's the Reptoids, honey!
198
00:10:57,418 --> 00:10:59,751
And these jokers are wild!
199
00:10:59,834 --> 00:11:01,584
It's the Juggalos!
200
00:11:04,251 --> 00:11:06,834
Woop-woop! You bitches down to clown?
201
00:11:06,918 --> 00:11:09,668
We secretly control global finance!
202
00:11:09,751 --> 00:11:13,584
And next we have the losers
from last year's Power Games.
203
00:11:13,668 --> 00:11:17,001
The stuffed shirts from Washington.
I doubt they even showed up.
204
00:11:28,543 --> 00:11:30,543
Top that entrance, motherfuckers!
205
00:11:40,584 --> 00:11:43,543
And finally,
we saved the best for last.
206
00:11:43,626 --> 00:11:50,334
The all-seeing, all-knowing,
all-partying Illuminati!
207
00:11:50,418 --> 00:11:52,043
I love you, Jay-Z.
208
00:11:52,126 --> 00:11:53,084
Queen Bey!
209
00:11:53,168 --> 00:11:54,834
Lin Manuel!
210
00:11:57,376 --> 00:11:59,751
Illuminati confirmed!
211
00:12:03,834 --> 00:12:05,043
Ugh. Dietrich.
212
00:12:05,126 --> 00:12:08,959
Well, if it isn't the reheated leftovers
of Rand Ridley.
213
00:12:09,043 --> 00:12:12,334
I thought they fired you for all of this.
214
00:12:12,418 --> 00:12:13,918
-He's a mess.
215
00:12:14,001 --> 00:12:17,209
Dream on, Dietrich,
Cognito's more powerful than ever.
216
00:12:17,293 --> 00:12:19,293
We control the president, big oil,
217
00:12:19,376 --> 00:12:21,751
and I have a button
that can move the moon!
218
00:12:21,834 --> 00:12:26,459
Cute! But you're still the secret society
no one's ever heard of.
219
00:12:26,543 --> 00:12:28,501
The Illuminati's a name brand.
220
00:12:28,584 --> 00:12:30,168
We make it rain, bitch.
221
00:12:30,251 --> 00:12:33,543
Cognito controls the weather.
We literally make it rain.
222
00:12:33,626 --> 00:12:34,543
Okay, boomer.
223
00:12:34,626 --> 00:12:36,834
What? You're a thousand years old!
224
00:12:36,918 --> 00:12:39,751
I tell you what, if you can beat me
at this year's Power Struggle,
225
00:12:39,834 --> 00:12:41,751
I won't pants you in front of the Pope
226
00:12:41,834 --> 00:12:43,751
and Instagram it
for the whole shadow world.
227
00:12:45,251 --> 00:12:47,376
You suck so hard!
228
00:12:47,459 --> 00:12:49,626
Oh shit, are you Poland?
229
00:12:49,709 --> 00:12:52,043
Because that German guy
straight-up owned you.
230
00:12:52,126 --> 00:12:53,209
Gah!
231
00:12:54,793 --> 00:12:58,126
Oh God, it's Lin Manuel Miranda. Hide me!
232
00:12:58,209 --> 00:13:02,084
Gigi! I recognize your tired face
from your application selfie.
233
00:13:02,168 --> 00:13:03,834
You know about filters?
234
00:13:03,918 --> 00:13:06,001
She applied to work at the Illuminati?
235
00:13:06,084 --> 00:13:09,168
-Only one or two--
-Hundred times?
236
00:13:12,001 --> 00:13:14,501
If you need us,
we'll be in the room where it happens.
237
00:13:14,584 --> 00:13:15,501
Where what happens?
238
00:13:15,584 --> 00:13:18,209
If you have to ask, honey,
you'll never know!
239
00:13:19,459 --> 00:13:21,834
Ugh. That guy sucks!
240
00:13:21,918 --> 00:13:25,459
No wonder people pay $2,000 on StubHub
to watch him get shot.
241
00:13:25,543 --> 00:13:27,709
It's okay, Andre, just go have fun.
242
00:13:27,793 --> 00:13:31,043
I think I saw Jimmy Carter
scooping Viagra out of a big barrel.
243
00:13:31,126 --> 00:13:34,001
Fuck that, Gigi,
we're getting back at those snobs.
244
00:13:34,084 --> 00:13:37,293
Ugh,
other people's problems are boring.
245
00:13:37,376 --> 00:13:39,918
Feelings are for liberals
and baseball movies.
246
00:13:40,001 --> 00:13:41,751
Let's go party, Mushroom Man!
247
00:13:55,376 --> 00:13:59,376
We know you naughty aristocrats
love to destroy the Earth's resources,
248
00:13:59,459 --> 00:14:02,043
so get ready for our first event!
249
00:14:02,126 --> 00:14:04,251
The Lumberjack-off!
250
00:14:06,626 --> 00:14:10,584
I see you, Jair Bolsonaro.
Let the games begin!
251
00:14:10,668 --> 00:14:12,501
Dietrich, how about a little toast.
252
00:14:12,584 --> 00:14:14,376
I could drink to your demise.
253
00:14:15,043 --> 00:14:16,543
May the best man win.
254
00:14:21,043 --> 00:14:22,001
All right.
255
00:14:22,084 --> 00:14:25,751
Okay, Dad, the glove is on
and the gloves are off.
256
00:14:29,209 --> 00:14:30,293
-What the--?
257
00:14:33,709 --> 00:14:34,793
I can't watch!
258
00:14:34,876 --> 00:14:37,376
What the hell?
This isn't supposed to be happening!
259
00:14:37,459 --> 00:14:41,126
Ha! Watch and see how it's done, axe-hole.
What the--?
260
00:14:43,084 --> 00:14:45,293
-My crotch!
261
00:14:45,376 --> 00:14:49,084
Well, that's what humans get
for keeping their gonads on the outside.
262
00:14:49,168 --> 00:14:50,876
It's just poor breeding.
263
00:14:51,918 --> 00:14:54,084
Wait, what the hell is happening to Kluge?
264
00:14:54,168 --> 00:14:56,751
What? What the… Impossible!
265
00:14:59,293 --> 00:15:00,918
You son of a bitch.
266
00:15:04,293 --> 00:15:06,793
but I 'Mo-wanna' more money!"
267
00:15:06,876 --> 00:15:08,293
I'm so rich!
268
00:15:10,793 --> 00:15:14,001
Ugh. He brings so much joy to people.
It makes me sick.
269
00:15:14,084 --> 00:15:15,251
But what can we do?
270
00:15:15,334 --> 00:15:17,001
If only there was a way
271
00:15:17,084 --> 00:15:20,293
to give them the same crippling self-doubt
that I suffer from.
272
00:15:20,376 --> 00:15:21,334
That's it, Brett!
273
00:15:21,418 --> 00:15:24,043
Okay, here's what we do.
Now listen up, okay?
274
00:15:26,209 --> 00:15:28,418
Ugh! This isn't virgin blood!
275
00:15:28,501 --> 00:15:32,043
Who the hell do I have to sacrifice
to get some service around here?
276
00:15:32,126 --> 00:15:33,959
I thought this was the VIP section!
277
00:15:34,043 --> 00:15:37,043
Yes, Visually Inconvenient People.
278
00:15:40,001 --> 00:15:41,959
I'm Dermot Baldwin.
279
00:15:42,043 --> 00:15:44,751
I didn't know I existed either!
280
00:15:44,834 --> 00:15:47,334
You put us here because we're ugly?
281
00:15:47,418 --> 00:15:49,251
I'm a decorated war hero!
282
00:15:49,334 --> 00:15:50,959
My face is like a purple heart!
283
00:15:51,043 --> 00:15:54,918
I won't stand for this harassment,
pal. Don't walk away all sexy like that!
284
00:15:55,001 --> 00:15:56,918
Oh, it ain't so bad here, strangers.
285
00:15:57,001 --> 00:16:00,209
Perfect place to sit a spell
and masturbate with no one watching!
286
00:16:00,293 --> 00:16:03,543
Yep, that's right,
I'm the masturbating Reptoid.
287
00:16:03,626 --> 00:16:04,959
We're three of a kind!
288
00:16:05,043 --> 00:16:06,251
Fuck me.
289
00:16:07,459 --> 00:16:09,626
Hey, what the fuck
do you think you're doing here?
290
00:16:09,709 --> 00:16:11,584
You're sabotaging my sabotage!
291
00:16:11,668 --> 00:16:14,876
Uh, you're the smartest one in the room.
You tell me.
292
00:16:14,959 --> 00:16:18,293
I'm not telling jack to a guy
who looks like an '80s supervillain.
293
00:16:18,376 --> 00:16:20,376
Yeah, says teen Bill Nye.
294
00:16:20,459 --> 00:16:22,501
Besides, I could ask you the same thing.
295
00:16:22,584 --> 00:16:24,459
My conspiracy is none of your business.
296
00:16:24,543 --> 00:16:27,251
-And what the hell are those things?
-Hey! No, get off me!
297
00:16:27,334 --> 00:16:31,001
Lock and load, my pretties.
It's time for the manhunt!
298
00:16:31,084 --> 00:16:34,251
Manhunt, manhunt, manhunt!
299
00:16:36,376 --> 00:16:38,043
-Manhunt!
300
00:16:38,626 --> 00:16:40,793
-Manhunt!
-Release the prisoner!
301
00:16:43,751 --> 00:16:46,168
Manhunt, manhunt!
302
00:16:49,876 --> 00:16:52,709
Oh! Two times is so unlikely.
303
00:16:55,459 --> 00:16:58,293
Impossible!
You're pulling some pagan bullshit on me!
304
00:16:58,376 --> 00:17:00,168
You let him get away, has-been!
305
00:17:01,626 --> 00:17:03,293
Hey, what are you two doing?
306
00:17:06,376 --> 00:17:09,084
Would you believe…
this is the second time…
307
00:17:09,168 --> 00:17:10,543
…I've been tased today?
308
00:17:10,626 --> 00:17:13,709
Judging by your personality…
…that sounds about right.
309
00:17:19,251 --> 00:17:22,668
Who would be dumb enough
to get thrown in Bohemian Grove Jail?
310
00:17:22,751 --> 00:17:24,501
The righteous gotta stick together!
311
00:17:24,584 --> 00:17:26,168
-Alex Jones?
-Alex Jones?
312
00:17:26,251 --> 00:17:29,168
I got a plan to get us out of here,
but I need $25,000
313
00:17:29,251 --> 00:17:32,459
to invest in yak testosterone supplements
that will give me,
314
00:17:32,543 --> 00:17:36,251
now stay with me here,
time travel abilities!
315
00:17:36,334 --> 00:17:39,209
Great, now we're stuck here
with the school-shooting denier
316
00:17:39,293 --> 00:17:41,751
who looks like an orangutan
fucked a fire hydrant,
317
00:17:41,834 --> 00:17:44,918
because one of us couldn't keep our cool.
318
00:17:45,001 --> 00:17:46,751
Brave of you to admit that.
319
00:17:46,834 --> 00:17:50,626
Why were you trying
to sabotage your own company anyway?
320
00:17:50,709 --> 00:17:52,543
Eh, I don't want to talk about it.
321
00:17:52,626 --> 00:17:55,543
That's right, buddy,
you don't owe a woman a goddamn thing.
322
00:17:55,626 --> 00:17:57,626
Especially child support!
323
00:17:57,709 --> 00:18:00,834
Look, we gotta get out of here
before he takes his shirt off.
324
00:18:00,918 --> 00:18:03,001
Why does he do that?
Does he think it looks good?
325
00:18:03,084 --> 00:18:05,834
Yeah, I think
he thinks it looks good. Truce?
326
00:18:06,668 --> 00:18:08,126
Temporary truce.
327
00:18:08,209 --> 00:18:11,209
I just need something I can use
to make a subliminal message.
328
00:18:11,293 --> 00:18:12,584
Do you have a tape recorder?
329
00:18:12,668 --> 00:18:15,668
Of course I do. I'm the only person left
who will listen to me!
330
00:18:17,501 --> 00:18:18,918
Cover your ears, okay?
331
00:18:19,793 --> 00:18:21,584
What in the flat world?
332
00:18:23,668 --> 00:18:24,918
Nice work. Give it here.
333
00:18:27,918 --> 00:18:29,543
Nepotism this!
334
00:18:34,168 --> 00:18:37,834
Ooh, the Atlanteans are disqualified
for the illegal use of sonar!
335
00:18:40,001 --> 00:18:44,168
Only Rand Ridley and Dietrich Kluge
remain for the final round.
336
00:18:44,251 --> 00:18:46,084
I still have time to sabotage my boss.
337
00:18:46,168 --> 00:18:48,043
Not if I sabotage mine first.
338
00:18:48,126 --> 00:18:48,959
Hey! You!
339
00:18:49,543 --> 00:18:50,459
Shit!
340
00:18:52,126 --> 00:18:53,501
Get them!
341
00:18:59,418 --> 00:19:01,376
Uh, you want to tase yourself.
342
00:19:01,459 --> 00:19:02,793
Tase myself.
343
00:19:05,293 --> 00:19:08,709
-Staedtler, wine bottle, now!
-Should we talk about your drinking?
344
00:19:08,793 --> 00:19:10,459
To hit him with, idiot!
345
00:19:15,834 --> 00:19:16,668
Shit.
346
00:19:17,459 --> 00:19:19,751
Quick, follow me into that owl's ass!
347
00:19:22,084 --> 00:19:25,334
'Taint nothing wrong
with a-masturbating yourself in public.
348
00:19:25,418 --> 00:19:27,876
Why, it's as natural as a spring day!
349
00:19:27,959 --> 00:19:30,543
Stuck in the back
because of our weird faces.
350
00:19:30,626 --> 00:19:32,626
No one understands our pain.
351
00:19:32,709 --> 00:19:35,334
Yo, bitches, the posse feels your pain.
352
00:19:35,418 --> 00:19:37,376
They always sit us in the back.
353
00:19:37,459 --> 00:19:40,168
Probably because you're
literal fucking clowns.
354
00:19:40,251 --> 00:19:43,709
Check a mirror, my ninja.
Society is clowning on you.
355
00:19:43,793 --> 00:19:46,793
You feeling disrespected?
Treated like a joke?
356
00:19:46,876 --> 00:19:50,376
Our missions
do feel suspiciously like B-stories.
357
00:19:50,459 --> 00:19:51,626
Here's our literature.
358
00:19:59,501 --> 00:20:02,668
My God! He has the most
powerful mind I've ever encountered.
359
00:20:02,751 --> 00:20:07,959
This insane clown posse is starting
to sound like a sane clown posse!
360
00:20:08,043 --> 00:20:10,459
Welcome to the dark carnival, my friends.
361
00:20:15,126 --> 00:20:17,126
I can't believe we knocked out the Pope.
362
00:20:17,209 --> 00:20:19,959
I can't believe we brainwashed Alex Jones.
363
00:20:24,793 --> 00:20:27,626
So why'd they send you
to Anon-Anon anyway?
364
00:20:28,918 --> 00:20:30,626
Oof. Oh, boy.
365
00:20:31,209 --> 00:20:35,084
So, the day I was supposed
to get my Illuminati ten-year pin,
366
00:20:35,168 --> 00:20:39,709
they caught me trying to drink
an entire vat of mind-erasing liquid.
367
00:20:39,793 --> 00:20:41,418
Jesus, why?
368
00:20:41,501 --> 00:20:44,126
In college, I was a conspiracy theorist.
369
00:20:44,209 --> 00:20:45,959
I believed that behind the chaos
370
00:20:46,043 --> 00:20:50,251
there must be some secret group
of geniuses that could save the world.
371
00:20:50,334 --> 00:20:51,918
But look at these idiots.
372
00:20:55,543 --> 00:20:58,626
Shadow government is just as dumb
as the regular government.
373
00:20:58,709 --> 00:21:01,376
It's just assholes all the way down.
374
00:21:02,584 --> 00:21:05,626
You were right about me, you know.
I did just want revenge.
375
00:21:05,709 --> 00:21:07,959
I even came up with a 30-point plan.
376
00:21:08,043 --> 00:21:10,543
Even your vengeance is type A.
377
00:21:10,626 --> 00:21:12,459
Yeah.
378
00:21:12,543 --> 00:21:16,043
God, why do smart people
always make dumb mistakes?
379
00:21:16,126 --> 00:21:17,668
Because the smarter you are,
380
00:21:17,751 --> 00:21:20,501
the better you are at rationalizing
stupid decisions.
381
00:21:21,001 --> 00:21:25,043
That's why the smartest people
end up working for the worst companies.
382
00:21:25,626 --> 00:21:29,251
Well, maybe not everything
is a stupid decision.
383
00:21:31,334 --> 00:21:32,543
Like what?
384
00:21:33,251 --> 00:21:34,543
Like this?
385
00:21:35,418 --> 00:21:39,126
Oh wow, enemies to lovers.
That's never been done before.
386
00:21:39,209 --> 00:21:42,251
Yeah, giant cliché.
As if we would do that.
387
00:21:43,834 --> 00:21:46,043
-I really want to, though.
-Very much same!
388
00:21:51,334 --> 00:21:53,459
And now, the final round.
389
00:21:53,543 --> 00:21:57,918
The ancient noble competition
known as the Pissing Contest!
390
00:21:58,001 --> 00:22:00,251
Watch me be number one at number one.
391
00:22:00,334 --> 00:22:04,376
The only thing you'll be pissing away
is your reputation. Watch this.
392
00:22:07,418 --> 00:22:09,876
Um… Okay!
393
00:22:09,959 --> 00:22:11,043
Mamma mia!
394
00:22:11,126 --> 00:22:12,876
I'm clutching my pearls!
395
00:22:17,293 --> 00:22:19,543
-What the… I didn't mean--
-I didn't mean… You…
396
00:22:19,626 --> 00:22:20,876
I mean, not unless…
397
00:22:23,793 --> 00:22:25,084
It's a draw!
398
00:22:25,168 --> 00:22:29,293
A years-long feud ended
in one beautiful gesture of intimacy.
399
00:22:29,376 --> 00:22:32,043
Now this is finally a party!
400
00:22:32,543 --> 00:22:35,418
You will rue the day
you humiliated the Illuminati.
401
00:22:35,501 --> 00:22:36,501
We see all!
402
00:22:36,584 --> 00:22:38,168
See my ass, Kluge.
403
00:22:38,251 --> 00:22:41,793
Cognito will bury you for this
like we buried Jimmy Hoffa!
404
00:22:43,918 --> 00:22:47,084
Yo, maybe Cognito
isn't just some boomer shit.
405
00:22:47,168 --> 00:22:50,459
-These guys are progressive as hell.
-Hey, listen up, you dicks.
406
00:22:50,543 --> 00:22:52,084
Y'all Brett-y for this?
407
00:22:54,751 --> 00:22:57,251
Oh, guys, please,
whatever this is, don't do it.
408
00:23:02,459 --> 00:23:03,334
Oh God.
409
00:23:14,876 --> 00:23:17,293
That was your plan? A rap battle?
410
00:23:17,376 --> 00:23:20,626
You're fucking with the greatest rapper
of all time, son!
411
00:23:23,209 --> 00:23:26,168
No, that wasn't our real plan.
412
00:23:26,251 --> 00:23:29,501
I spiked everyone's drinks with LSD
over an hour ago.
413
00:23:30,876 --> 00:23:34,376
We just needed to get you in one place
so we could watch.
414
00:23:34,459 --> 00:23:38,043
What? But I've never tried drugs before,
I'm high on life!
415
00:23:38,126 --> 00:23:40,834
Well, now you're high
on laboratory-grade brown acid.
416
00:23:40,918 --> 00:23:43,209
Prepare for psychedelic ego death!
417
00:23:43,293 --> 00:23:46,043
Oh God, I'm slightly overrated.
418
00:23:46,126 --> 00:23:49,834
If I tweet that, people will destroy me
for saying, "Beyoncé is overrated."
419
00:23:49,918 --> 00:23:52,126
Somebody get that dirt off my shoulder.
420
00:23:52,209 --> 00:23:55,793
I helped bring humanity
to the point of inevitable destruction!
421
00:23:57,126 --> 00:24:01,168
I'm sorry, Gigi. I am corny,
white history teacher bullshit.
422
00:24:01,251 --> 00:24:03,918
For fuck's sake,
I wrote the intro to a Garfield book!
423
00:24:04,001 --> 00:24:05,209
You can Google it.
424
00:24:05,293 --> 00:24:07,793
I'll give you a job. Just make this stop!
425
00:24:10,334 --> 00:24:13,626
Oh, I guess I am throwing away my shot.
426
00:24:15,126 --> 00:24:16,834
Really? You gave up your dream job?
427
00:24:16,918 --> 00:24:20,043
I already have a job
where I am the coolest in comparison.
428
00:24:20,126 --> 00:24:21,209
-Aw!
-Aw!
429
00:24:22,834 --> 00:24:24,876
I'm not the first Oprah.
430
00:24:26,001 --> 00:24:29,959
Wow, I really enjoy
rivalry sex, apparently.
431
00:24:30,043 --> 00:24:34,459
-Something's wrong with me.
-No, something is wrong with us.
432
00:24:34,543 --> 00:24:36,918
Boo. Corny.
433
00:24:37,918 --> 00:24:41,501
You know what? I'm done wasting my energy
trying to fight my dad.
434
00:24:41,584 --> 00:24:44,084
He's just gonna fuck things up
on his own anyway.
435
00:24:44,168 --> 00:24:47,626
Maybe my next crazy plot
should be my own happiness.
436
00:24:47,709 --> 00:24:49,834
At least then you might have less regrets.
437
00:24:55,334 --> 00:24:56,751
To moving forward?
438
00:24:57,668 --> 00:24:58,709
To moving forward.
439
00:25:02,043 --> 00:25:03,334
Wait, did you light this?
440
00:25:03,418 --> 00:25:04,793
I thought you did.
441
00:25:04,876 --> 00:25:07,001
Oh, shit! Someone set the owl on fire!
442
00:25:10,043 --> 00:25:12,793
This whole thing has gone tits up.
Time to fire up the jet.
443
00:25:12,876 --> 00:25:15,251
-Where the hell are Glenn and Myc?
-We're not leaving.
444
00:25:16,209 --> 00:25:17,584
We found our family.
445
00:25:17,668 --> 00:25:20,293
Life is a struggle-o,
so now I'm a Juggalo.
446
00:25:20,376 --> 00:25:21,334
Woop-woop!
447
00:25:21,418 --> 00:25:25,876
Drop the hatchet
on restrictive societal expectations!
448
00:25:25,959 --> 00:25:30,001
-Woop-woop!
449
00:25:30,084 --> 00:25:30,959
What the shit?
450
00:25:31,043 --> 00:25:33,418
You dumbasses look insane.
Look in a mirror.
451
00:25:35,459 --> 00:25:38,168
Jesus Christ,
what the fuck are we doing?
452
00:25:38,251 --> 00:25:40,584
Why is my wallet on a metal leash?
453
00:25:40,668 --> 00:25:42,709
Where would it be trying to go?
454
00:25:42,793 --> 00:25:44,251
I thought we were into this!
455
00:25:44,334 --> 00:25:48,459
-We look like fucking idiots, Glenn!
-My name isn't Glenn anymore.
456
00:25:48,543 --> 00:25:51,626
It's Killer Nugs,
and this tattoo is permanent.
457
00:26:01,709 --> 00:26:04,543
Wow. We hide out in an owl
for ten minutes and--
458
00:26:04,626 --> 00:26:06,501
The whole place falls apart without us.
459
00:26:06,584 --> 00:26:07,501
-Typical.
-Typical.
460
00:26:08,251 --> 00:26:10,293
Well, I should probably get back to my…
461
00:26:10,376 --> 00:26:13,293
Yeah, and I should probably
get back to my…
462
00:26:13,376 --> 00:26:14,209
Yeah.
463
00:26:15,959 --> 00:26:17,418
Two rival companies.
464
00:26:18,376 --> 00:26:20,001
We could get in a lot of trouble.
465
00:26:20,084 --> 00:26:23,251
Yeah, if only we were in a line of work
where we both knew how to keep a secret.
466
00:26:24,876 --> 00:26:29,084
Still, it's gonna be, uh, pretty stressful
hiding this whole thing.
467
00:26:29,168 --> 00:26:32,251
We're probably gonna need
a lot of therapy.
468
00:26:32,751 --> 00:26:34,959
-See you at the next meeting?
-I'll be there.
469
00:26:39,293 --> 00:26:43,834
Oh God. I, Alex Jones,
am secretly in love with Hillary Clinton.
470
00:26:43,918 --> 00:26:45,418
Don't tell, people!
471
00:26:46,584 --> 00:26:47,459
Aha!
472
00:26:49,293 --> 00:26:53,459
I'm free! I'm free!
473
00:26:53,543 --> 00:26:54,543
Who the hell are you?
474
00:26:54,626 --> 00:26:55,876
Who the hell am I?
475
00:26:55,959 --> 00:26:58,668
I'm J.R. fucking Scheimpough.
476
00:26:58,751 --> 00:27:01,376
Who the hell are you? Chewbacca?
477
00:27:01,459 --> 00:27:02,793
Goddamn it.
478
00:27:31,834 --> 00:27:34,793
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