1
00:00:12,543 --> 00:00:14,709
Bulimia.
2
00:00:14,793 --> 00:00:16,084
So brave.
3
00:00:16,168 --> 00:00:17,876
Let's take a silent moment and--
4
00:00:21,043 --> 00:00:23,168
Goddamn it, they're at it again.
5
00:00:23,251 --> 00:00:25,584
Great.
Now I'm going to have nightmares.
6
00:00:28,168 --> 00:00:30,918
Yeah, I think therapy
is definitely working.
7
00:00:31,001 --> 00:00:33,376
You know what?
I think I need some more therapy.
8
00:00:34,001 --> 00:00:36,043
Anything you'd like
to share with the group?
9
00:00:36,126 --> 00:00:39,876
Oh, yeah. I… I was just looking
for my Tic Tacs, which I--
10
00:00:39,959 --> 00:00:41,459
Which she left in my mouth.
11
00:00:41,543 --> 00:00:43,459
We left Tic Tacs in each other's mouths.
12
00:00:43,543 --> 00:00:44,584
-Good save.
-Gotta commit.
13
00:00:44,668 --> 00:00:47,459
Reagan, this is what we call
a coping mechanism.
14
00:00:47,543 --> 00:00:50,126
If you're not careful,
it can become an addiction.
15
00:00:50,209 --> 00:00:52,084
Ron isn't an addiction.
16
00:00:52,168 --> 00:00:53,959
He's a healthy distraction.
17
00:00:54,043 --> 00:00:55,876
We all have groping mechanisms.
18
00:00:55,959 --> 00:00:59,459
I mean, uh, coping.
We were definitely coping in there.
19
00:00:59,543 --> 00:01:02,751
Groping mechanisms. You dork.
20
00:01:02,834 --> 00:01:06,501
Look, if you don't rejoin the group,
I'm going to… One second.
21
00:01:07,376 --> 00:01:08,459
Class dismissed.
22
00:01:10,918 --> 00:01:12,709
Do you validate parking?
23
00:01:13,918 --> 00:01:16,918
Damn it, Myc. I said rose quartz.
24
00:01:17,001 --> 00:01:19,334
-Glenn, feng shui that lamp.
25
00:01:19,418 --> 00:01:20,543
Feng-ier, goddamn it.
26
00:01:21,918 --> 00:01:22,876
What's going on?
27
00:01:22,959 --> 00:01:25,626
Why is there potpourri
in the document shredder?
28
00:01:25,709 --> 00:01:28,584
Tamiko said she was coming by today
with some big news.
29
00:01:31,626 --> 00:01:32,751
One means divorce.
30
00:01:32,834 --> 00:01:34,043
Two means she's driving.
31
00:01:34,126 --> 00:01:35,959
Three, a hook-up is imminent.
32
00:01:36,043 --> 00:01:38,293
I lost your mother when I lost my job.
33
00:01:38,376 --> 00:01:42,209
Now that I'm on top again,
she's remembered that I'm the one.
34
00:01:43,626 --> 00:01:46,834
Your mother is about to walk
through that door and say--
35
00:01:46,918 --> 00:01:49,709
Who wants to meet my new boyfriend?
36
00:01:59,334 --> 00:02:00,793
Keanu Reeves!
37
00:02:00,876 --> 00:02:03,376
The star of John Wick 2 and 3?
38
00:02:03,459 --> 00:02:04,918
And John Wick 4.
39
00:02:05,001 --> 00:02:08,001
Sorry we're late.
We got stuck in traffic making love.
40
00:02:08,084 --> 00:02:10,709
Oh, don't be vulgar. We were boning.
41
00:02:13,209 --> 00:02:15,876
Well, you were right
about her finding "the one."
42
00:02:16,418 --> 00:02:20,876
-You know, like from The Matrix, The One.
-Mother--
43
00:02:43,668 --> 00:02:45,376
-…fucker.
44
00:02:45,459 --> 00:02:48,793
Well, he is fucking Reagan's mother.
So yes, motherfucker.
45
00:02:48,876 --> 00:02:53,376
Holy shit. Your mom is having
a sexcellent adventure with Bill and Ted?
46
00:02:53,459 --> 00:02:56,834
Mom. You just got married to yourself
and now you're dating a celebrity?
47
00:02:56,918 --> 00:02:59,126
How did he even get past security?
48
00:02:59,751 --> 00:03:02,918
Oh, great bunch of guys.
They asked me to sign their machine guns.
49
00:03:03,001 --> 00:03:03,918
-Yeah!
50
00:03:04,001 --> 00:03:07,793
Nunu and I met when he signed on
to star in the movie of my book.
51
00:03:07,876 --> 00:03:10,876
We've been an A-list power couple
ever since.
52
00:03:10,959 --> 00:03:14,709
I just wanted to come by and tell you
that the premiere is this weekend.
53
00:03:14,793 --> 00:03:15,876
And we're all invited?
54
00:03:15,959 --> 00:03:17,376
What? No, I'm just telling you.
55
00:03:17,459 --> 00:03:18,834
-You must be Rand.
-Huh?
56
00:03:18,918 --> 00:03:20,834
I've heard so much about your journey.
57
00:03:20,918 --> 00:03:23,501
Sh, sh, sh. Let the anger go.
58
00:03:24,084 --> 00:03:25,251
Here. Have a lotus.
59
00:03:25,334 --> 00:03:28,501
I don't put these in my pockets.
They just grow there spontaneously.
60
00:03:29,876 --> 00:03:32,126
This will never last. Tell her, Reagan.
61
00:03:32,209 --> 00:03:33,584
Why should I listen to Reagan?
62
00:03:33,668 --> 00:03:36,126
She's never been supportive
about my relationships.
63
00:03:36,209 --> 00:03:38,876
What? I have always… Uh…
64
00:03:38,959 --> 00:03:42,126
Mom, you can't date the pool boy.
You're just gonna get hurt.
65
00:03:42,209 --> 00:03:45,626
Mom, you can't date Richard Branson.
You're just gonna get hurt.
66
00:03:45,709 --> 00:03:49,501
Mom, you can't date
the entire cast of Cirque du Soleil.
67
00:03:49,584 --> 00:03:52,293
Someone's going to get hurt.
That guy is juggling fire.
68
00:03:53,001 --> 00:03:56,834
Actually, Mom, I've been opening myself up
to new relationships lately,
69
00:03:56,918 --> 00:04:00,001
and I think
that it's beautiful that you are too.
70
00:04:00,084 --> 00:04:03,043
Oh, Reagan. That is so unlike you.
In a good way.
71
00:04:03,126 --> 00:04:07,168
And I want you to know that I would never
dream of trying to replace your father.
72
00:04:07,251 --> 00:04:09,626
It's not totally
off the table, right?
73
00:04:11,001 --> 00:04:12,876
Koko, do you mind if we head back to LA?
74
00:04:12,959 --> 00:04:16,209
I'm feeling drained from squinting
meaningfully into the distance.
75
00:04:16,293 --> 00:04:19,543
Of course.
He's on a Hollywood all-liquid diet.
76
00:04:19,626 --> 00:04:22,501
I feel blessed to have met you
and I hope you don't mind,
77
00:04:22,584 --> 00:04:25,626
but I took the liberty of replacing
all the cars in the parking lot
78
00:04:25,709 --> 00:04:27,043
with new Teslas.
79
00:04:27,626 --> 00:04:28,959
-Wow!
-Seriously?
80
00:04:29,043 --> 00:04:30,668
I love Keanu Reeves.
81
00:04:33,418 --> 00:04:34,251
New mission.
82
00:04:34,334 --> 00:04:38,584
Reagan, as your boss and father,
I order you to destroy that relationship.
83
00:04:38,668 --> 00:04:39,918
What? Fuck no.
84
00:04:40,001 --> 00:04:41,334
It's for her own good.
85
00:04:41,418 --> 00:04:44,084
Trust me. Everyone in Hollywood
is a monstrous creep
86
00:04:44,168 --> 00:04:45,459
with a dark-ass secret.
87
00:04:45,543 --> 00:04:48,293
Did you see how he hypnotized me?
He might not even be human.
88
00:04:48,376 --> 00:04:50,376
Face it. Mom just wants young blood.
89
00:04:50,459 --> 00:04:52,126
My blood's plenty young.
90
00:04:52,209 --> 00:04:57,584
Last week, the doctor said your
blood was 4% cigarette ash, and 9% STDs.
91
00:04:57,668 --> 00:05:01,793
I am not sabotaging Mom's happiness
because you got replaced by a hotter guy.
92
00:05:01,876 --> 00:05:04,793
-Where are you going?
-I have a coping mechanism.
93
00:05:05,959 --> 00:05:08,084
Yes, girl! Go get it, honey!
94
00:05:08,584 --> 00:05:10,209
She's finally getting laid, right?
95
00:05:10,293 --> 00:05:11,251
-Yeah.
-Definitely.
96
00:05:11,334 --> 00:05:12,793
-Thank God.
-Good for all of us.
97
00:05:15,168 --> 00:05:17,084
I'm gonna make a fucking movie too.
98
00:05:17,168 --> 00:05:20,043
I'm gonna show Tamiko
that I'm a badass leading man.
99
00:05:20,126 --> 00:05:21,126
Leading man?
100
00:05:21,209 --> 00:05:24,251
No offense, but you look
like Willem Dafoe fucked a meth needle.
101
00:05:24,334 --> 00:05:27,626
True. My years of living awesomely
have taken their toll.
102
00:05:27,709 --> 00:05:30,126
Andre. You've got an hour
to whip up a youth serum.
103
00:05:30,209 --> 00:05:32,626
I want my face so young
you could eat off of it.
104
00:05:32,709 --> 00:05:35,834
Myc, write a badass action script
to highlight my sexiness.
105
00:05:35,918 --> 00:05:40,459
I've already got the title.
The Chronicles of Rand-dick.
106
00:05:40,543 --> 00:05:42,376
Sounded better in my head.
107
00:05:42,459 --> 00:05:44,626
Glenn, teach me fight choreography.
108
00:05:44,709 --> 00:05:46,709
Call me Dolphin Lundgren.
109
00:05:46,793 --> 00:05:50,209
Rand, it takes more than looks
and nunchucks to make a movie.
110
00:05:50,293 --> 00:05:51,251
You need names.
111
00:05:51,334 --> 00:05:53,376
You're right. I need cred.
112
00:05:53,459 --> 00:05:56,418
Someone whose name means Oscar gold.
Someone like--
113
00:05:56,501 --> 00:05:59,126
Leonardo DiCaprio.
He's an inspiration.
114
00:05:59,209 --> 00:06:02,751
He taught me that recycling
is also for guys with abs.
115
00:06:02,834 --> 00:06:06,334
Sold! Brett, use your natural
douche instincts to track down Leo
116
00:06:06,418 --> 00:06:07,709
and get him on board.
117
00:06:07,793 --> 00:06:11,793
Okay, people, like I said to Tonya Harding
when she asked me for career advice,
118
00:06:11,876 --> 00:06:13,209
let's break some legs!
119
00:06:15,459 --> 00:06:16,626
Let me get that.
120
00:06:16,709 --> 00:06:20,918
Your arms should only be used
for realistic gunplay and hugging my mom.
121
00:06:21,001 --> 00:06:24,001
Reagan. This visit was such a nice idea.
122
00:06:24,084 --> 00:06:26,959
You've never wanted to hang out
with any of my boyfriends.
123
00:06:27,043 --> 00:06:28,668
Well, none of them were Keanu.
124
00:06:28,751 --> 00:06:32,376
I've been a fan ever since
I made my own Matrix when I was eight.
125
00:06:32,459 --> 00:06:34,459
We might all still be in it.
126
00:06:34,543 --> 00:06:36,876
Oh, shoot. I forgot the rice crackers.
127
00:06:36,959 --> 00:06:38,626
Be right back, Koko.
128
00:06:39,834 --> 00:06:43,959
Tasteful minimalism,
a courtyard full of motorcycles.
129
00:06:44,043 --> 00:06:46,043
His own private Idaho-shaped pool.
130
00:06:46,126 --> 00:06:48,584
After dating so many billionaires,
131
00:06:48,668 --> 00:06:51,168
his millionaire lifestyle
keeps me grounded.
132
00:06:51,251 --> 00:06:52,668
Well, I'm proud of you, Mom.
133
00:06:55,626 --> 00:06:58,459
Uh, what is this?
We about to kill a spider together?
134
00:06:58,543 --> 00:07:02,418
I want you to come to the premiere with us
as my guest of honor.
135
00:07:02,501 --> 00:07:03,626
Wait, really?
136
00:07:03,709 --> 00:07:06,459
You always find some kind of fault
with my boyfriends,
137
00:07:06,543 --> 00:07:08,668
but for once, you're supporting me.
138
00:07:08,751 --> 00:07:10,209
And I want to support you.
139
00:07:10,293 --> 00:07:12,126
I don't know what to say.
140
00:07:12,209 --> 00:07:15,334
Say you'll get me another quinoa mimosa.
141
00:07:15,418 --> 00:07:16,334
On it.
142
00:07:17,584 --> 00:07:19,293
Rand was so wrong.
143
00:07:19,376 --> 00:07:22,793
Hollywood people aren't creeps.
At the end of the day, they're just--
144
00:07:24,293 --> 00:07:25,459
Keanu?
145
00:07:37,626 --> 00:07:39,293
What was that?
146
00:07:39,376 --> 00:07:41,459
Is Keanu Reeves some kind of a vampire?
147
00:07:41,543 --> 00:07:42,834
Are vampires real?
148
00:07:42,918 --> 00:07:45,376
Am I spiraling? Is all of this out loud?
149
00:07:45,459 --> 00:07:47,459
Reagan, is everything all right?
150
00:07:47,543 --> 00:07:50,793
You look like you've seen a ghost,
or an adjacent undead creature.
151
00:07:50,876 --> 00:07:54,793
Excuse me. I was just drinking
a box of Juicy Juice.
152
00:07:54,876 --> 00:07:57,918
Keanu, I just invited Reagan
to be our guest at the premiere.
153
00:07:58,001 --> 00:07:59,793
She's so excited, she's sweating.
154
00:07:59,876 --> 00:08:02,001
Uh, yeah, this is not gonna suck.
155
00:08:02,084 --> 00:08:04,668
I mean, bite. I mean, let's do it!
156
00:08:04,751 --> 00:08:08,751
When you see the movie, Reagan,
you will just die.
157
00:08:11,626 --> 00:08:13,251
Oops! Down, Keanu.
158
00:08:13,334 --> 00:08:18,334
I named my cat Keanu after the movie Keanu
about a cat named after me, Keanu.
159
00:08:18,418 --> 00:08:20,418
-Quiet on the set.
160
00:08:20,501 --> 00:08:21,751
That includes thinking.
161
00:08:21,834 --> 00:08:24,084
I'm psychic, you idiots.
162
00:08:24,168 --> 00:08:25,543
Gigi, random question,
163
00:08:25,626 --> 00:08:29,709
but is it normal for celebrities
to get blood transfusions in, um, coffins?
164
00:08:29,793 --> 00:08:31,043
I got a better question.
165
00:08:31,126 --> 00:08:34,376
Are you getting laid?
'Cause, girl, you are glowing.
166
00:08:34,459 --> 00:08:37,084
I got some outfits
that'll match that horny glow.
167
00:08:37,168 --> 00:08:40,168
What? No. Why are you always
trying to make me over?
168
00:08:40,251 --> 00:08:42,876
Why does Banksy want to make art
out of boring walls?
169
00:08:42,959 --> 00:08:44,418
The challenge.
170
00:08:44,501 --> 00:08:46,168
Listen, my mom is in big trouble.
171
00:08:46,251 --> 00:08:48,584
Can you help me dig up any dirt
on Keanu Reeves?
172
00:08:48,668 --> 00:08:52,751
I could try, but dark Hollywood shit
is the Illuminati's turf
173
00:08:52,834 --> 00:08:55,543
and those assholes
won't let me near their headquarters.
174
00:08:55,626 --> 00:08:57,209
The Illuminati, huh?
175
00:09:04,293 --> 00:09:05,959
Okay, Brett. Remember the plan.
176
00:09:06,043 --> 00:09:07,418
Track down Leo DiCaprio,
177
00:09:07,501 --> 00:09:10,834
lure him into Rand's movie,
and become his best friend.
178
00:09:11,418 --> 00:09:13,793
Who's ready to party like Ed Hardy?
179
00:09:15,251 --> 00:09:16,751
Ooh.
180
00:09:16,834 --> 00:09:21,251
Excuse me, broseppi,
does my boy Leo D still hang out here?
181
00:09:21,334 --> 00:09:25,126
Yeah, not since he won his Oscar.
But he left a bunch of garbage behind.
182
00:09:25,209 --> 00:09:26,376
Those guys?
183
00:09:26,459 --> 00:09:30,126
Tobey Maguire, David Blaine,
Lukas Haas, and Q-Tip,
184
00:09:30,209 --> 00:09:33,376
his old crew, aka the Pussy Posse.
185
00:09:33,459 --> 00:09:36,543
The legendary pickup artists
from the early aughts?
186
00:09:36,626 --> 00:09:38,543
I thought my older brother made them up.
187
00:09:38,626 --> 00:09:40,084
Where are you going?
188
00:09:40,168 --> 00:09:42,668
Don't make me hold my breath
till you come back.
189
00:09:42,751 --> 00:09:45,043
I've done dumber things for much longer!
190
00:09:45,126 --> 00:09:46,751
Wazzup, home dogs.
191
00:09:46,834 --> 00:09:49,709
Looks like you're one white dude
short of a full posse.
192
00:09:49,793 --> 00:09:52,834
David disappeared Connolly
in a magic accident.
193
00:09:52,918 --> 00:09:54,084
R-I-P.
194
00:09:54,168 --> 00:09:55,709
Yo, don't step to me, Tobey.
195
00:09:55,793 --> 00:09:57,501
I'll turn you back into an owl.
196
00:09:57,584 --> 00:10:00,876
Well, I've been known
to have a few tricks up my sleeve too.
197
00:10:00,959 --> 00:10:02,584
Check this out.
198
00:10:03,084 --> 00:10:05,709
This is the life, huh?
199
00:10:05,793 --> 00:10:06,751
Agh!
200
00:10:06,834 --> 00:10:08,293
Hmm.
201
00:10:08,793 --> 00:10:11,501
Just guys being dudes.
202
00:10:11,584 --> 00:10:13,959
I admire your shamelessness.
203
00:10:14,043 --> 00:10:15,626
What did you say your name was?
204
00:10:15,709 --> 00:10:20,043
It's Blaive… Brett… ford… stein.
205
00:10:20,126 --> 00:10:21,459
Blaive Brettfordstein.
206
00:10:21,543 --> 00:10:23,876
Hm. We've been burned before, Blaive.
207
00:10:23,959 --> 00:10:27,126
Some people think they can use us
to get to Leo.
208
00:10:27,209 --> 00:10:29,376
What? I would never.
209
00:10:29,459 --> 00:10:31,668
But if we hang out,
I will meet him, right?
210
00:10:31,751 --> 00:10:34,459
First you got to prove
you're posse material.
211
00:10:34,543 --> 00:10:37,251
Pussy Posse party protocol.
212
00:10:41,834 --> 00:10:44,001
His muscles, huge.
213
00:10:44,584 --> 00:10:47,001
His alcoholism, charming.
214
00:10:47,584 --> 00:10:49,751
He's ready to get back together.
215
00:10:49,834 --> 00:10:51,918
If you can handle it.
216
00:10:58,376 --> 00:11:00,834
Yippee-ki-yay, mother of my child.
217
00:11:00,918 --> 00:11:01,959
Cut.
218
00:11:02,834 --> 00:11:05,834
He's jiggling in the wind.
Can we turn the fans down?
219
00:11:05,918 --> 00:11:09,834
Goddamn it! This company managed to
cover up Mr. Rogers' Vietnam sniper count.
220
00:11:09,918 --> 00:11:12,126
Can't we cover up my fucking man boobs?
221
00:11:12,209 --> 00:11:13,959
Andre! I need that youth serum.
222
00:11:14,043 --> 00:11:15,418
Are you sure?
223
00:11:15,501 --> 00:11:17,626
I didn't check the expiration date
on these stem cells.
224
00:11:17,709 --> 00:11:20,501
I'm not getting any younger,
and neither is my scrotum.
225
00:11:22,626 --> 00:11:24,376
If he dies, I get the Army.
226
00:11:24,459 --> 00:11:26,043
No fair. I want the Army!
227
00:11:31,876 --> 00:11:35,834
Holy shit! I look 25 to 30,
and check out that ass.
228
00:11:35,918 --> 00:11:37,876
I don't want to, but I can't stop staring.
229
00:11:37,959 --> 00:11:41,209
Writers. I want 20…
No, 30 more sex scenes.
230
00:11:41,293 --> 00:11:44,168
-Already so many. Goddamn it.
231
00:11:46,793 --> 00:11:49,459
You know a man on the inside
of the Illuminati?
232
00:11:49,543 --> 00:11:51,293
This is some Deep Throat shit.
233
00:11:51,376 --> 00:11:53,293
We don't know each other very well.
234
00:11:54,168 --> 00:11:56,709
-Reagan.
-Gigi, this is my source, Staedtler.
235
00:11:57,334 --> 00:12:00,126
Oh, you two are banging, aren't you?
236
00:12:00,209 --> 00:12:01,418
-What?
-What? No.
237
00:12:01,501 --> 00:12:03,834
-No, we are not.
-I'm sorry. Gross.
238
00:12:03,918 --> 00:12:05,543
-No offense.
-Does anybody else say that?
239
00:12:05,626 --> 00:12:06,876
Why would you think that?
240
00:12:06,959 --> 00:12:10,918
This really is
some Deep Throat shit. I love it, honey.
241
00:12:11,001 --> 00:12:14,876
Gigi. He's from a rival company.
You can't tell anyone.
242
00:12:14,959 --> 00:12:15,834
About the banging?
243
00:12:15,918 --> 00:12:17,626
Definitely not about the banging.
244
00:12:17,709 --> 00:12:19,584
Can everyone stop
saying the word "banging"?
245
00:12:19,668 --> 00:12:20,959
Shh!
246
00:12:21,043 --> 00:12:23,793
I grabbed every Keanu file
in the Illuminati archive.
247
00:12:25,584 --> 00:12:27,168
Okay, that's Keanu now,
248
00:12:27,251 --> 00:12:31,001
and here he is in Bram Stoker's Dracula
in 1992.
249
00:12:31,084 --> 00:12:32,584
He's barely aged a day.
250
00:12:34,168 --> 00:12:35,834
How old are these photos?
251
00:12:35,918 --> 00:12:37,418
And who are all these women?
252
00:12:38,001 --> 00:12:39,376
Hollywood Immortals?
253
00:12:39,459 --> 00:12:42,168
The Illuminati has spread their message
using the charisma of actors
254
00:12:42,251 --> 00:12:43,876
for centuries, but get this.
255
00:12:43,959 --> 00:12:47,959
They found a way to keep them alive
so their star power never dies.
256
00:12:48,043 --> 00:12:51,168
Hollywood's leading men
are making themselves immortal
257
00:12:51,251 --> 00:12:53,126
using the blood of young women!
258
00:12:53,209 --> 00:12:54,918
They're all hundreds of years old.
259
00:12:55,001 --> 00:12:57,043
Every ageless leading man is one of them.
260
00:12:57,126 --> 00:12:59,918
Nicolas Cage, Brad Pitt, Larry David,
261
00:13:00,001 --> 00:13:02,376
and the most bloodthirsty of them all,
262
00:13:02,459 --> 00:13:04,376
Leonardo DiCaprio.
263
00:13:04,459 --> 00:13:06,876
That's why they all date
19-year-old models
264
00:13:06,959 --> 00:13:08,251
who we never see again.
265
00:13:08,334 --> 00:13:09,418
For their blood!
266
00:13:09,501 --> 00:13:11,626
Shit. I have to go to my next cleanup job.
267
00:13:11,709 --> 00:13:14,709
Someone on the Internet found out
Margot Robbie is CGI.
268
00:13:14,793 --> 00:13:15,668
Call me later?
269
00:13:16,293 --> 00:13:18,959
Reagan, you've gotta tell Tamiko
the truth about Keanu Reeves
270
00:13:19,043 --> 00:13:21,043
before he drinks her
through a crazy straw.
271
00:13:21,126 --> 00:13:22,001
I can't.
272
00:13:22,084 --> 00:13:25,959
If I tell her, she's just gonna assume
I'm being old unsupportive Reagan.
273
00:13:26,043 --> 00:13:28,334
It'll just drive them closer together.
274
00:13:28,418 --> 00:13:31,251
Mom is gonna have to find out
from somebody that she trusts.
275
00:13:31,334 --> 00:13:34,959
Goddamn it, Rad Ridley.
You punched the president to death.
276
00:13:35,043 --> 00:13:38,418
You better not be
having hot sex right now.
277
00:13:40,084 --> 00:13:43,418
The flag's not the only thing
at half-mast.
278
00:13:44,418 --> 00:13:46,584
Huh? Wait, what the hell is going on?
279
00:13:52,543 --> 00:13:54,376
Shit. Fucking fuck. Fuck!
280
00:13:54,876 --> 00:13:57,043
Okay, that's a cut.
281
00:13:57,126 --> 00:13:58,459
Shit! Andre!
282
00:13:58,543 --> 00:14:00,668
You only gave me an hour
to make the serum.
283
00:14:00,751 --> 00:14:02,668
Well, our continuity is fucked.
284
00:14:02,751 --> 00:14:05,293
You seem like the kind of guy
who cares about continuity.
285
00:14:05,376 --> 00:14:06,876
It's the only thing that matters.
286
00:14:06,959 --> 00:14:08,626
Before you Benjamin Buttoned me,
287
00:14:08,709 --> 00:14:12,334
I was well on my way to smashing
box office records and my wife.
288
00:14:12,418 --> 00:14:16,501
Now, I just have a powerful urge
to smash brightly-colored blocks together.
289
00:14:16,584 --> 00:14:18,459
I want an Oscar!
290
00:14:18,543 --> 00:14:21,584
How? At this rate,
we're filming goddamn Boss Baby.
291
00:14:21,668 --> 00:14:24,376
Well, this baby is still your boss,
292
00:14:24,459 --> 00:14:27,918
and I'll kick your dick through your head
unless we finish this movie.
293
00:14:28,001 --> 00:14:30,126
Don't forget I have the nuclear codes.
294
00:14:30,209 --> 00:14:31,043
Furthermore…
295
00:14:31,126 --> 00:14:32,001
Wah!
296
00:14:32,084 --> 00:14:34,584
Where the fuck
is Brett with DiCaprio?
297
00:14:34,668 --> 00:14:37,584
All right, Blaive,
to prove you're Leo material,
298
00:14:37,668 --> 00:14:40,709
go run game on those 9.7s at the bar.
299
00:14:40,793 --> 00:14:43,543
-Hey, I'm Blaive.
300
00:14:43,626 --> 00:14:44,668
I like your Birkin.
301
00:14:44,751 --> 00:14:46,626
My mom had one like it for her pills.
302
00:14:46,709 --> 00:14:48,084
Oh my gosh.
303
00:14:48,168 --> 00:14:50,584
You're so sweet and hot,
304
00:14:50,668 --> 00:14:53,084
but, like, non-threatening, like a cousin,
305
00:14:53,168 --> 00:14:54,626
but still kind of hot.
306
00:14:54,709 --> 00:14:58,251
Whoa. What's that thing he's doing
while he's waiting to talk?
307
00:14:58,334 --> 00:15:01,209
I think he's listening.
308
00:15:01,293 --> 00:15:02,209
Sorcery!
309
00:15:02,293 --> 00:15:04,959
Blaive, what's your secret?
310
00:15:05,043 --> 00:15:08,918
Well, first off, one helpful tip
is to think of a woman as a person.
311
00:15:09,001 --> 00:15:10,834
-Did he just say that?
-My mind is blown.
312
00:15:10,918 --> 00:15:13,209
Everything I know is wrong!
313
00:15:13,293 --> 00:15:15,668
Womanizing is our entire identity.
314
00:15:15,751 --> 00:15:18,626
Could we even still call ourselves
the Pussy Posse?
315
00:15:18,709 --> 00:15:21,334
You sure can, with one of these.
316
00:15:23,876 --> 00:15:25,168
I'm getting on Etsy.
317
00:15:25,251 --> 00:15:28,293
How about we go show off
our newfound wisdom to Leo, huh?
318
00:15:28,918 --> 00:15:33,418
Sorry, Blaive. Truth is, Leo kicked us
to the curb when he won that Oscar.
319
00:15:33,501 --> 00:15:35,584
"Never let go" my ass.
320
00:15:35,668 --> 00:15:37,418
He's got a new posse now.
321
00:15:37,501 --> 00:15:40,459
Oh, okay. Well, do you know
where they hang out?
322
00:15:42,376 --> 00:15:44,834
Hell yeah, is this "Baby Shark"?
323
00:15:44,918 --> 00:15:48,418
Did you know the guy who wrote
"Baby Shark" killed his wife in 1998?
324
00:15:48,501 --> 00:15:51,459
Oh, this song is horseshit.
Play it again, though.
325
00:15:51,543 --> 00:15:53,251
We got coordinates on Leo.
326
00:15:53,334 --> 00:15:55,418
Then let's go shoot that fight scene.
327
00:15:55,501 --> 00:15:58,293
Okay, but I think we should bring boostie.
328
00:15:58,376 --> 00:16:00,043
No boostie!
329
00:16:02,626 --> 00:16:04,834
Keanu's on the move.
Go break up with your mom.
330
00:16:08,584 --> 00:16:09,418
How do I look?
331
00:16:09,501 --> 00:16:12,418
Vaguely Asian, but not in the way
that threatens Middle America.
332
00:16:12,501 --> 00:16:15,876
Perfect. Whoa. Whoa. Wow.
333
00:16:15,959 --> 00:16:17,501
No, that's Owen Wilson.
334
00:16:17,584 --> 00:16:20,126
Whoa. Okay. I've got it.
335
00:16:21,584 --> 00:16:25,834
Nunu? You just left. And why are you
ringing your own doorbell?
336
00:16:25,918 --> 00:16:29,293
Uh, because I need this to be official.
337
00:16:29,376 --> 00:16:31,668
Tamiko, I'm breaking up with you.
338
00:16:31,751 --> 00:16:35,501
What? But we just made passionate love
in the Idaho pool.
339
00:16:35,584 --> 00:16:36,959
Look, fine.
340
00:16:37,043 --> 00:16:41,001
You need to leave because I'm actually
a 400-year-old Immortal
341
00:16:41,084 --> 00:16:42,626
and I want to suck your blood.
342
00:16:42,709 --> 00:16:45,084
Oh my God, I understand.
343
00:16:45,876 --> 00:16:48,876
This is sexy role-play.
344
00:16:48,959 --> 00:16:51,834
Suck me dry, you immortal fuck demon!
345
00:16:51,918 --> 00:16:53,293
Agh, Mom. Stop it!
346
00:16:53,376 --> 00:16:55,293
Oh, shit.
347
00:16:55,376 --> 00:16:56,793
Wait. Mom?
348
00:16:59,709 --> 00:17:01,293
Reagan! I should have known.
349
00:17:01,376 --> 00:17:04,376
You've been judging me
this entire time, again.
350
00:17:04,459 --> 00:17:05,709
No, this is different.
351
00:17:05,793 --> 00:17:08,918
Keanu is some kind of science vampire.
I can prove it.
352
00:17:09,001 --> 00:17:11,959
How could you do this?
I finally found a keeper.
353
00:17:12,043 --> 00:17:13,709
Yeah, a Crypt Keeper.
354
00:17:13,793 --> 00:17:15,334
You're just like your father.
355
00:17:15,418 --> 00:17:17,043
You won't work on our relationship,
356
00:17:17,126 --> 00:17:20,501
but there's no amount of work you won't do
to make sure I'm not happy.
357
00:17:20,584 --> 00:17:21,876
-That is not what--
-Just go.
358
00:17:21,959 --> 00:17:24,418
And do not show your face
at tonight's premiere.
359
00:17:25,501 --> 00:17:27,043
Or Keanu's face.
360
00:17:27,709 --> 00:17:28,543
The premiere!
361
00:17:28,626 --> 00:17:32,043
She's going to walk
right into a den of A-list vampires.
362
00:17:33,001 --> 00:17:34,043
I'm all out of options.
363
00:17:34,126 --> 00:17:37,543
If I want to save my mom,
I have to do what The Lake House couldn't.
364
00:17:38,043 --> 00:17:39,959
Kill Keanu Reeves.
365
00:17:41,918 --> 00:17:45,251
We need to infiltrate that premiere
and get to Keanu before it's too late.
366
00:17:45,334 --> 00:17:46,168
But how?
367
00:17:46,251 --> 00:17:48,584
The only way in is to walk the red carpet,
368
00:17:48,668 --> 00:17:50,501
and when they see someone as hot as me,
369
00:17:50,584 --> 00:17:52,959
all those camera flashes
will attract attention.
370
00:17:53,043 --> 00:17:55,709
I don't have frumpy privilege
like you, Reagan.
371
00:18:00,501 --> 00:18:03,751
men will look at you
the way they look at me. Briefly.
372
00:18:08,459 --> 00:18:09,709
And done.
373
00:18:10,251 --> 00:18:12,001
Wow, I hate it.
374
00:18:12,084 --> 00:18:15,834
I want to cyberbully myself.
Do you really think this'll work?
375
00:18:15,918 --> 00:18:18,793
Oh, yeah. In Hollywood,
being a rumpled woman over 30
376
00:18:18,876 --> 00:18:20,834
is basically an invisibility cloak.
377
00:18:20,918 --> 00:18:22,459
-Emma Stone!
-Over here!
378
00:18:22,543 --> 00:18:24,584
Tell me about La La Land.
379
00:18:26,501 --> 00:18:28,709
Do you see anyone?
380
00:18:28,793 --> 00:18:31,126
My eyes can't really focus.
381
00:18:31,209 --> 00:18:35,418
-Does this look like anything?
-Just an empty red carpet. Weird.
382
00:18:35,501 --> 00:18:38,793
Damn, I could
get used to being unremarkable.
383
00:18:38,876 --> 00:18:40,709
Yeah. I'm so lucky.
384
00:18:40,793 --> 00:18:42,793
-Look!
385
00:18:42,876 --> 00:18:45,251
I need a private moment to unflex my abs.
386
00:18:45,334 --> 00:18:46,501
Be right back, Koko.
387
00:18:47,126 --> 00:18:48,793
Keanu's headed towards the restroom.
388
00:18:48,876 --> 00:18:51,043
Keep watch. I'm going after Keanu.
389
00:18:51,126 --> 00:18:53,668
Bull. Gigi never gets to kill anybody.
390
00:18:57,668 --> 00:19:00,209
Catch you at a bad time, Keanu?
391
00:19:00,293 --> 00:19:03,543
To quote myself,
whoa, what are you doing here?
392
00:19:03,626 --> 00:19:04,793
Saving my mom!
393
00:19:08,668 --> 00:19:12,584
You know my secret, but I'm warning you.
I know kung fu.
394
00:19:12,668 --> 00:19:13,834
Yeah, I know.
395
00:19:13,918 --> 00:19:16,043
It's one of two things
people know about you.
396
00:19:16,126 --> 00:19:18,793
-They also know I do my own stunts.
397
00:19:33,459 --> 00:19:37,543
That doesn't scare me.
I'm a pan-denominational Buddhist.
398
00:19:37,626 --> 00:19:40,293
Buddhists still bleed!
399
00:19:44,626 --> 00:19:48,251
Exactly. There were times
when I felt like the book was writing me.
400
00:19:48,834 --> 00:19:52,793
Holy follow-up question.
Would you consider yourself a genius?
401
00:19:52,876 --> 00:19:54,126
No, no.
402
00:19:54,209 --> 00:19:55,084
But yes.
403
00:19:56,043 --> 00:19:58,918
-Keanu? Reagan?
-Shit!
404
00:19:59,001 --> 00:20:00,668
-I told her not to come.
405
00:20:04,418 --> 00:20:06,626
Fake rain? This just seems expensive.
406
00:20:06,709 --> 00:20:09,209
And in the desert. So wasteful.
407
00:20:09,709 --> 00:20:11,918
Have some garlic, Keanu.
408
00:20:12,001 --> 00:20:13,918
No! Where did you get that?
409
00:20:14,001 --> 00:20:17,376
Olive Garden.
"When you're here, you're family."
410
00:20:26,293 --> 00:20:29,043
All right, Keanu, time to eat your stake.
411
00:20:30,293 --> 00:20:33,376
White oak. You did your homework.
412
00:20:33,459 --> 00:20:36,084
I fucking love homework. And my mom.
413
00:20:36,168 --> 00:20:37,751
I love her too, Reagan.
414
00:20:38,418 --> 00:20:40,168
Reagan. What are you doing?
415
00:20:40,251 --> 00:20:43,043
It's all right, Tamiko,
she's just protecting you.
416
00:20:43,126 --> 00:20:45,334
Everything Reagan said is true.
417
00:20:45,418 --> 00:20:48,793
For hundreds of years,
I've been a blood-sucking Immortal,
418
00:20:48,876 --> 00:20:50,001
until now.
419
00:20:51,209 --> 00:20:53,709
You're not gonna try
to suck out my mom's blood?
420
00:20:53,793 --> 00:20:58,209
I lied about being a vampire,
but not about loving Tamiko.
421
00:20:58,293 --> 00:20:59,793
I'm done with immortality.
422
00:20:59,876 --> 00:21:02,959
I finally found the woman
I want to grow old with.
423
00:21:03,043 --> 00:21:04,543
Oh, Nunu.
424
00:21:06,209 --> 00:21:07,626
We've heard enough!
425
00:21:12,959 --> 00:21:15,251
Leonardo DiCaprio!
426
00:21:15,334 --> 00:21:16,334
Nicolas Cage,
427
00:21:16,418 --> 00:21:17,293
Bradley Cooper,
428
00:21:17,376 --> 00:21:18,293
Johnny Depp!
429
00:21:18,376 --> 00:21:20,626
Oh God, we've stumbled
right into their lair.
430
00:21:20,709 --> 00:21:22,751
I knew you were getting soft, Keanu.
431
00:21:22,834 --> 00:21:25,668
You've been dating
age-appropriate women for years.
432
00:21:25,751 --> 00:21:28,543
That's as disgusting
as only wearing one scarf.
433
00:21:28,626 --> 00:21:31,418
If audiences see you getting older,
434
00:21:31,501 --> 00:21:34,251
they'll get suspicious
about the rest of us.
435
00:21:34,334 --> 00:21:35,418
Except Tom Cruise.
436
00:21:35,501 --> 00:21:37,709
Yeah, that guy is fucking bulletproof.
437
00:21:37,793 --> 00:21:39,876
You guys are so bogus.
438
00:21:39,959 --> 00:21:41,834
Tamiko is a national treasure.
439
00:21:41,918 --> 00:21:45,626
-Good thing I know how to steal those.
440
00:21:45,709 --> 00:21:46,876
-Mom!
441
00:21:47,876 --> 00:21:49,293
Before we kill Keanu,
442
00:21:49,376 --> 00:21:53,459
one last ceremonial bloodletting
with his 40-something girlfriend.
443
00:21:55,876 --> 00:21:57,293
And oh!
444
00:21:58,001 --> 00:22:00,543
Prepare to be Leonardo decapitated.
445
00:22:00,626 --> 00:22:03,959
Hey, Romeo, hands off my wife!
446
00:22:04,043 --> 00:22:08,251
Well, if it isn't my old crew
and some hideous baby man.
447
00:22:08,334 --> 00:22:09,168
Dad?
448
00:22:09,251 --> 00:22:11,876
He's turned himself
into a literal man-child.
449
00:22:11,959 --> 00:22:14,168
Way to turn subtext to text, Rand.
450
00:22:14,251 --> 00:22:16,001
My therapist would love this.
451
00:22:16,084 --> 00:22:17,751
I did it to impress you.
452
00:22:17,834 --> 00:22:21,543
To show you that I was younger, hotter,
and had more Oscars than Keanu.
453
00:22:23,293 --> 00:22:25,834
Looks like the D-listers
crashed the party.
454
00:22:25,918 --> 00:22:27,168
We've evolved, Leo.
455
00:22:27,251 --> 00:22:31,168
You can't bully us, or this single father
and his disfigured baby.
456
00:22:31,251 --> 00:22:32,668
Andre, downzies.
457
00:22:32,751 --> 00:22:34,418
Myc, grab the camera.
458
00:22:34,501 --> 00:22:35,334
Rolling!
459
00:22:35,418 --> 00:22:38,293
I'm kicking your ass.
Get ready for a bloodbath!
460
00:22:38,376 --> 00:22:39,876
That's it.
461
00:22:39,959 --> 00:22:40,959
Blood.
462
00:22:43,584 --> 00:22:44,793
Reagan, what are you doing?
463
00:22:44,876 --> 00:22:47,043
Something I've had recurring dreams about.
464
00:22:47,126 --> 00:22:48,709
Finally stabbing my father!
465
00:22:48,793 --> 00:22:50,043
Ouchies!
466
00:22:50,751 --> 00:22:52,168
You fools.
467
00:22:52,251 --> 00:22:54,876
Baby blood is only gonna make me stronger.
468
00:22:54,959 --> 00:22:56,209
Not this baby.
469
00:22:56,293 --> 00:23:00,709
You just mainlined enough bad choices
to age you a thousand years.
470
00:23:00,793 --> 00:23:03,709
-My blood type is O Shit.
-What?!
471
00:23:11,584 --> 00:23:15,918
Drink up, pretty boy.
That shit is hundred proof Ridley.
472
00:23:17,209 --> 00:23:18,834
You can't do this to me!
473
00:23:18,918 --> 00:23:20,834
I'm the king of the world!
474
00:23:22,543 --> 00:23:25,043
At least he died
doing what he loved. Composting.
475
00:23:25,126 --> 00:23:26,876
I got it in the can!
476
00:23:26,959 --> 00:23:30,668
I give this movie three stars.
Very confusing.
477
00:23:30,751 --> 00:23:34,043
Sorry I lied, Tamiko.
But I meant everything I said.
478
00:23:34,126 --> 00:23:36,334
I'm ready to give up immortality for you.
479
00:23:36,418 --> 00:23:38,043
Oh, that's…
480
00:23:38,126 --> 00:23:39,376
You're sweet, but…
481
00:23:40,168 --> 00:23:41,418
Bye!
482
00:23:42,293 --> 00:23:45,043
Hey. Sorry for all the…
483
00:23:45,543 --> 00:23:47,293
Um… Ah, fuck it.
484
00:23:49,043 --> 00:23:51,418
Well, guess I better
start dressing my age.
485
00:23:51,501 --> 00:23:53,001
You and me both, brother.
486
00:23:53,543 --> 00:23:56,001
I can't believe the whole A list is gone.
487
00:23:56,084 --> 00:23:58,293
I'm proud that the last thing Leo saw
488
00:23:58,376 --> 00:24:01,084
was his posse
growing into mature, decent men.
489
00:24:01,168 --> 00:24:03,626
It's okay. We have a new leader.
490
00:24:03,709 --> 00:24:08,001
Sorry, guys. My name's actually Brett,
and I already have a posse.
491
00:24:08,084 --> 00:24:09,001
The deep state.
492
00:24:09,084 --> 00:24:10,084
-Impossible!
493
00:24:10,168 --> 00:24:11,626
A masterful illusion.
494
00:24:11,709 --> 00:24:15,376
Damn, dude, this whole time,
you were running game, on us.
495
00:24:15,459 --> 00:24:18,168
Then you've learned my final lesson, bros.
496
00:24:18,251 --> 00:24:20,459
Please, Brett, don't forget us.
497
00:24:20,543 --> 00:24:21,918
Call me Blaive.
498
00:24:30,918 --> 00:24:35,543
Hey. Sorry I ruined your premiere
and tried to murder your boyfriend.
499
00:24:35,626 --> 00:24:39,043
I guess Keanu was a good guy after all.
500
00:24:39,126 --> 00:24:40,834
No, I'm sorry.
501
00:24:40,918 --> 00:24:43,001
Seeing my only daughter
risk her life like that,
502
00:24:43,084 --> 00:24:48,418
I-I realized you have been supporting me
this whole time by trying to protect me.
503
00:24:48,501 --> 00:24:51,709
Exactly. It's not that I don't want you
to be happy.
504
00:24:51,793 --> 00:24:54,793
It's just you have horrible taste in men.
505
00:24:54,876 --> 00:24:58,043
Dad, Buzz Aldrin, actual monsters.
506
00:24:58,126 --> 00:24:59,334
I get it now.
507
00:24:59,418 --> 00:25:03,751
You murdered every leading man
in Hollywood because you love me.
508
00:25:03,834 --> 00:25:05,043
And I always will.
509
00:25:06,251 --> 00:25:08,959
Wait, did you break up with Keanu
because he was a vampire,
510
00:25:09,043 --> 00:25:12,459
or because you discovered
he was way older than you thought he was?
511
00:25:12,543 --> 00:25:15,084
Reagan. Can't it be both?
512
00:25:16,668 --> 00:25:18,959
He's better
than you remember.
513
00:25:19,043 --> 00:25:21,918
He'll have you saying Kean-who?
514
00:25:22,001 --> 00:25:24,084
Tell the president I'm on my way.
515
00:25:33,709 --> 00:25:36,209
I am not
putting my name on this. I quit!
516
00:25:57,209 --> 00:26:02,209
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