1
00:00:12,543 --> 00:00:14,709
Bulimia. [sobs]
2
00:00:14,793 --> 00:00:16,084
So brave.
3
00:00:16,168 --> 00:00:17,876
Let's take a silent moment and--
4
00:00:17,959 --> 00:00:20,959
[loud kissing]
5
00:00:21,043 --> 00:00:23,168
Goddamn it, they're at it again.
6
00:00:23,251 --> 00:00:25,584
[slender man] Great.
Now I'm going to have nightmares.
7
00:00:26,293 --> 00:00:28,084
-[metal clangs]
-[both laugh]
8
00:00:28,168 --> 00:00:30,918
Yeah, I think therapy
is definitely working.
9
00:00:31,001 --> 00:00:33,376
You know what?
I think I need some more therapy.
10
00:00:34,001 --> 00:00:36,043
Anything you'd like
to share with the group?
11
00:00:36,126 --> 00:00:39,876
Oh, yeah. I… I was just looking
for my Tic Tacs, which I--
12
00:00:39,959 --> 00:00:41,459
Which she left in my mouth.
13
00:00:41,543 --> 00:00:43,459
We left Tic Tacs in each other's mouths.
14
00:00:43,543 --> 00:00:44,584
-Good save.
-Gotta commit.
15
00:00:44,668 --> 00:00:47,459
Reagan, this is what we call
a coping mechanism.
16
00:00:47,543 --> 00:00:50,126
If you're not careful,
it can become an addiction.
17
00:00:50,209 --> 00:00:52,084
Ron isn't an addiction.
18
00:00:52,168 --> 00:00:53,959
He's a healthy distraction.
19
00:00:54,043 --> 00:00:55,876
We all have groping mechanisms.
20
00:00:55,959 --> 00:00:59,459
I mean, uh, coping. [laughing]
We were definitely coping in there.
21
00:00:59,543 --> 00:01:02,751
Groping mechanisms. You dork.
22
00:01:02,834 --> 00:01:06,501
Look, if you don't rejoin the group,
I'm going to… One second.
23
00:01:07,376 --> 00:01:08,459
Class dismissed.
24
00:01:08,543 --> 00:01:10,834
-[Mothman whines]
-[distant laughter]
25
00:01:10,918 --> 00:01:12,709
[slender man] Do you validate parking?
26
00:01:13,918 --> 00:01:16,918
Damn it, Myc. I said rose quartz.
27
00:01:17,001 --> 00:01:19,334
-[Myc sighs]
-Glenn, feng shui that lamp.
28
00:01:19,418 --> 00:01:20,543
Feng-ier, goddamn it.
29
00:01:20,626 --> 00:01:21,834
[groans]
30
00:01:21,918 --> 00:01:22,876
What's going on?
31
00:01:22,959 --> 00:01:25,626
Why is there potpourri
in the document shredder?
32
00:01:25,709 --> 00:01:28,584
Tamiko said she was coming by today
with some big news.
33
00:01:31,626 --> 00:01:32,751
One means divorce.
34
00:01:32,834 --> 00:01:34,043
Two means she's driving.
35
00:01:34,126 --> 00:01:35,959
Three, a hook-up is imminent.
36
00:01:36,043 --> 00:01:38,293
I lost your mother when I lost my job.
37
00:01:38,376 --> 00:01:42,209
Now that I'm on top again,
she's remembered that I'm the one.
38
00:01:43,626 --> 00:01:46,834
Your mother is about to walk
through that door and say--
39
00:01:46,918 --> 00:01:49,709
Who wants to meet my new boyfriend?
40
00:01:50,584 --> 00:01:53,251
♪ Standing on a fault line ♪
41
00:01:57,418 --> 00:01:58,376
[music fades]
42
00:01:59,334 --> 00:02:00,793
[gasps] Keanu Reeves!
43
00:02:00,876 --> 00:02:03,376
The star of John Wick 2 and 3?
44
00:02:03,459 --> 00:02:04,918
And John Wick 4.
45
00:02:05,001 --> 00:02:08,001
Sorry we're late.
We got stuck in traffic making love.
46
00:02:08,084 --> 00:02:10,709
Oh, don't be vulgar. We were boning.
47
00:02:10,793 --> 00:02:12,084
[smooching]
48
00:02:12,168 --> 00:02:13,126
[Rand groans]
49
00:02:13,209 --> 00:02:15,876
Well, you were right
about her finding "the one."
50
00:02:16,418 --> 00:02:20,876
-You know, like from The Matrix, The One.
-Mother--
51
00:02:20,959 --> 00:02:22,793
[upbeat music plays]
52
00:02:43,668 --> 00:02:45,376
-…fucker.
-[glass smashes]
53
00:02:45,459 --> 00:02:48,793
Well, he is fucking Reagan's mother.
So yes, motherfucker.
54
00:02:48,876 --> 00:02:53,376
[Myc] Holy shit. Your mom is having
a sexcellent adventure with Bill and Ted?
55
00:02:53,459 --> 00:02:56,834
Mom. You just got married to yourself
and now you're dating a celebrity?
56
00:02:56,918 --> 00:02:59,126
How did he even get past security?
57
00:02:59,751 --> 00:03:02,918
Oh, great bunch of guys.
They asked me to sign their machine guns.
58
00:03:03,001 --> 00:03:03,918
-Yeah!
-[laughs]
59
00:03:04,001 --> 00:03:07,793
Nunu and I met when he signed on
to star in the movie of my book.
60
00:03:07,876 --> 00:03:10,876
We've been an A-list power couple
ever since.
61
00:03:10,959 --> 00:03:14,709
I just wanted to come by and tell you
that the premiere is this weekend.
62
00:03:14,793 --> 00:03:15,876
And we're all invited?
63
00:03:15,959 --> 00:03:17,376
What? No, I'm just telling you.
64
00:03:17,459 --> 00:03:18,834
-You must be Rand.
-Huh?
65
00:03:18,918 --> 00:03:20,834
I've heard so much about your journey.
66
00:03:20,918 --> 00:03:23,501
Sh, sh, sh. Let the anger go.
67
00:03:24,084 --> 00:03:25,251
Here. Have a lotus.
68
00:03:25,334 --> 00:03:28,501
I don't put these in my pockets.
They just grow there spontaneously.
69
00:03:29,876 --> 00:03:32,126
This will never last. Tell her, Reagan.
70
00:03:32,209 --> 00:03:33,584
Why should I listen to Reagan?
71
00:03:33,668 --> 00:03:36,126
She's never been supportive
about my relationships.
72
00:03:36,209 --> 00:03:38,876
What? I have always… Uh…
73
00:03:38,959 --> 00:03:42,126
Mom, you can't date the pool boy.
You're just gonna get hurt.
74
00:03:42,209 --> 00:03:45,626
Mom, you can't date Richard Branson.
You're just gonna get hurt.
75
00:03:45,709 --> 00:03:49,501
Mom, you can't date
the entire cast of Cirque du Soleil.
76
00:03:49,584 --> 00:03:52,293
Someone's going to get hurt.
That guy is juggling fire.
77
00:03:53,001 --> 00:03:56,834
Actually, Mom, I've been opening myself up
to new relationships lately,
78
00:03:56,918 --> 00:04:00,001
and I think
that it's beautiful that you are too.
79
00:04:00,084 --> 00:04:03,043
Oh, Reagan. That is so unlike you.
In a good way.
80
00:04:03,126 --> 00:04:07,168
And I want you to know that I would never
dream of trying to replace your father.
81
00:04:07,251 --> 00:04:09,626
[laughs] It's not totally
off the table, right?
82
00:04:09,709 --> 00:04:10,918
[growls]
83
00:04:11,001 --> 00:04:12,876
Koko, do you mind if we head back to LA?
84
00:04:12,959 --> 00:04:16,209
I'm feeling drained from squinting
meaningfully into the distance.
85
00:04:16,293 --> 00:04:19,543
Of course.
He's on a Hollywood all-liquid diet.
86
00:04:19,626 --> 00:04:22,501
I feel blessed to have met you
and I hope you don't mind,
87
00:04:22,584 --> 00:04:25,626
but I took the liberty of replacing
all the cars in the parking lot
88
00:04:25,709 --> 00:04:27,043
with new Teslas.
89
00:04:27,626 --> 00:04:28,959
-[Glenn] Wow!
-Seriously?
90
00:04:29,043 --> 00:04:30,668
[Myc] I love Keanu Reeves.
91
00:04:33,418 --> 00:04:34,251
New mission.
92
00:04:34,334 --> 00:04:38,584
Reagan, as your boss and father,
I order you to destroy that relationship.
93
00:04:38,668 --> 00:04:39,918
What? Fuck no.
94
00:04:40,001 --> 00:04:41,334
It's for her own good.
95
00:04:41,418 --> 00:04:44,084
Trust me. Everyone in Hollywood
is a monstrous creep
96
00:04:44,168 --> 00:04:45,459
with a dark-ass secret.
97
00:04:45,543 --> 00:04:48,293
Did you see how he hypnotized me?
He might not even be human.
98
00:04:48,376 --> 00:04:50,376
Face it. Mom just wants young blood.
99
00:04:50,459 --> 00:04:52,126
My blood's plenty young.
100
00:04:52,209 --> 00:04:57,584
Last week, the doctor said your
blood was 4% cigarette ash, and 9% STDs.
101
00:04:57,668 --> 00:05:01,793
I am not sabotaging Mom's happiness
because you got replaced by a hotter guy.
102
00:05:01,876 --> 00:05:04,793
-Where are you going?
-I have a coping mechanism.
103
00:05:05,959 --> 00:05:08,084
[Gigi] Yes, girl! Go get it, honey!
104
00:05:08,584 --> 00:05:10,209
She's finally getting laid, right?
105
00:05:10,293 --> 00:05:11,251
-[Myc] Yeah.
-Definitely.
106
00:05:11,334 --> 00:05:12,793
-Thank God.
-Good for all of us.
107
00:05:15,168 --> 00:05:17,084
I'm gonna make a fucking movie too.
108
00:05:17,168 --> 00:05:20,043
I'm gonna show Tamiko
that I'm a badass leading man.
109
00:05:20,126 --> 00:05:21,126
Leading man?
110
00:05:21,209 --> 00:05:24,251
No offense, but you look
like Willem Dafoe fucked a meth needle.
111
00:05:24,334 --> 00:05:27,626
True. My years of living awesomely
have taken their toll.
112
00:05:27,709 --> 00:05:30,126
Andre. You've got an hour
to whip up a youth serum.
113
00:05:30,209 --> 00:05:32,626
I want my face so young
you could eat off of it.
114
00:05:32,709 --> 00:05:35,834
Myc, write a badass action script
to highlight my sexiness.
115
00:05:35,918 --> 00:05:40,459
[Myc] I've already got the title.
The Chronicles of Rand-dick.
116
00:05:40,543 --> 00:05:42,376
Sounded better in my head.
117
00:05:42,459 --> 00:05:44,626
Glenn, teach me fight choreography.
118
00:05:44,709 --> 00:05:46,709
Call me Dolphin Lundgren.
119
00:05:46,793 --> 00:05:50,209
Rand, it takes more than looks
and nunchucks to make a movie.
120
00:05:50,293 --> 00:05:51,251
You need names.
121
00:05:51,334 --> 00:05:53,376
You're right. I need cred.
122
00:05:53,459 --> 00:05:56,418
Someone whose name means Oscar gold.
Someone like--
123
00:05:56,501 --> 00:05:59,126
[gasps] Leonardo DiCaprio.
He's an inspiration.
124
00:05:59,209 --> 00:06:02,751
He taught me that recycling
is also for guys with abs.
125
00:06:02,834 --> 00:06:06,334
Sold! Brett, use your natural
douche instincts to track down Leo
126
00:06:06,418 --> 00:06:07,709
and get him on board.
127
00:06:07,793 --> 00:06:11,793
Okay, people, like I said to Tonya Harding
when she asked me for career advice,
128
00:06:11,876 --> 00:06:13,209
let's break some legs!
129
00:06:13,293 --> 00:06:15,376
[tranquil music plays]
130
00:06:15,459 --> 00:06:16,626
[Reagan] Let me get that.
131
00:06:16,709 --> 00:06:20,918
Your arms should only be used
for realistic gunplay and hugging my mom.
132
00:06:21,001 --> 00:06:24,001
Reagan. This visit was such a nice idea.
133
00:06:24,084 --> 00:06:26,959
You've never wanted to hang out
with any of my boyfriends.
134
00:06:27,043 --> 00:06:28,668
Well, none of them were Keanu.
135
00:06:28,751 --> 00:06:32,376
I've been a fan ever since
I made my own Matrix when I was eight.
136
00:06:32,459 --> 00:06:34,459
We might all still be in it.
137
00:06:34,543 --> 00:06:36,876
Oh, shoot. I forgot the rice crackers.
138
00:06:36,959 --> 00:06:38,626
Be right back, Koko. [kisses]
139
00:06:39,834 --> 00:06:43,959
Tasteful minimalism,
a courtyard full of motorcycles.
140
00:06:44,043 --> 00:06:46,043
His own private Idaho-shaped pool.
141
00:06:46,126 --> 00:06:48,584
After dating so many billionaires,
142
00:06:48,668 --> 00:06:51,168
his millionaire lifestyle
keeps me grounded.
143
00:06:51,251 --> 00:06:52,668
Well, I'm proud of you, Mom.
144
00:06:53,251 --> 00:06:55,543
[tranquil music plays]
145
00:06:55,626 --> 00:06:58,459
Uh, what is this?
We about to kill a spider together?
146
00:06:58,543 --> 00:07:02,418
I want you to come to the premiere with us
as my guest of honor.
147
00:07:02,501 --> 00:07:03,626
Wait, really?
148
00:07:03,709 --> 00:07:06,459
You always find some kind of fault
with my boyfriends,
149
00:07:06,543 --> 00:07:08,668
but for once, you're supporting me.
150
00:07:08,751 --> 00:07:10,209
And I want to support you.
151
00:07:10,293 --> 00:07:12,126
I don't know what to say.
152
00:07:12,209 --> 00:07:15,334
Say you'll get me another quinoa mimosa.
153
00:07:15,418 --> 00:07:16,334
On it.
154
00:07:16,418 --> 00:07:17,501
[giggles]
155
00:07:17,584 --> 00:07:19,293
Rand was so wrong.
156
00:07:19,376 --> 00:07:22,793
Hollywood people aren't creeps.
At the end of the day, they're just--
157
00:07:22,876 --> 00:07:23,709
[creaking]
158
00:07:24,293 --> 00:07:25,459
Keanu?
159
00:07:25,543 --> 00:07:27,543
[suspenseful music plays]
160
00:07:30,376 --> 00:07:31,209
[gasps]
161
00:07:31,293 --> 00:07:35,834
[gurgles]
162
00:07:35,918 --> 00:07:37,543
-[laughs maniacally]
-[gasps]
163
00:07:37,626 --> 00:07:39,293
[panting] What was that?
164
00:07:39,376 --> 00:07:41,459
Is Keanu Reeves some kind of a vampire?
165
00:07:41,543 --> 00:07:42,834
Are vampires real?
166
00:07:42,918 --> 00:07:45,376
Am I spiraling? Is all of this out loud?
167
00:07:45,459 --> 00:07:47,459
Reagan, is everything all right?
168
00:07:47,543 --> 00:07:50,793
You look like you've seen a ghost,
or an adjacent undead creature.
169
00:07:50,876 --> 00:07:54,793
Excuse me. I was just drinking
a box of Juicy Juice.
170
00:07:54,876 --> 00:07:57,918
Keanu, I just invited Reagan
to be our guest at the premiere.
171
00:07:58,001 --> 00:07:59,793
She's so excited, she's sweating.
172
00:07:59,876 --> 00:08:02,001
Uh, yeah, this is not gonna suck.
173
00:08:02,084 --> 00:08:04,668
I mean, bite. I mean, let's do it!
174
00:08:04,751 --> 00:08:08,751
When you see the movie, Reagan,
you will just die.
175
00:08:08,834 --> 00:08:11,543
[ominous organ music plays]
176
00:08:11,626 --> 00:08:13,251
Oops! Down, Keanu.
177
00:08:13,334 --> 00:08:18,334
I named my cat Keanu after the movie Keanu
about a cat named after me, Keanu.
178
00:08:18,418 --> 00:08:20,418
-[bell rings]
-[Myc] Quiet on the set.
179
00:08:20,501 --> 00:08:21,751
That includes thinking.
180
00:08:21,834 --> 00:08:24,084
I'm psychic, you idiots.
181
00:08:24,168 --> 00:08:25,543
Gigi, random question,
182
00:08:25,626 --> 00:08:29,709
but is it normal for celebrities
to get blood transfusions in, um, coffins?
183
00:08:29,793 --> 00:08:31,043
I got a better question.
184
00:08:31,126 --> 00:08:34,376
Are you getting laid?
'Cause, girl, you are glowing.
185
00:08:34,459 --> 00:08:37,084
I got some outfits
that'll match that horny glow.
186
00:08:37,168 --> 00:08:40,168
What? No. Why are you always
trying to make me over?
187
00:08:40,251 --> 00:08:42,876
Why does Banksy want to make art
out of boring walls?
188
00:08:42,959 --> 00:08:44,418
The challenge.
189
00:08:44,501 --> 00:08:46,168
Listen, my mom is in big trouble.
190
00:08:46,251 --> 00:08:48,584
Can you help me dig up any dirt
on Keanu Reeves?
191
00:08:48,668 --> 00:08:52,751
I could try, but dark Hollywood shit
is the Illuminati's turf
192
00:08:52,834 --> 00:08:55,543
and those assholes
won't let me near their headquarters.
193
00:08:55,626 --> 00:08:57,209
The Illuminati, huh?
194
00:08:59,834 --> 00:09:01,501
♪ VIP entry ♪
195
00:09:01,584 --> 00:09:03,584
♪'Cause you know what I'm into… ♪
196
00:09:04,293 --> 00:09:05,959
Okay, Brett. Remember the plan.
197
00:09:06,043 --> 00:09:07,418
Track down Leo DiCaprio,
198
00:09:07,501 --> 00:09:10,834
lure him into Rand's movie,
and become his best friend.
199
00:09:11,418 --> 00:09:13,793
Who's ready to party like Ed Hardy?
200
00:09:15,251 --> 00:09:16,751
[gasps] Ooh.
201
00:09:16,834 --> 00:09:21,251
Excuse me, broseppi,
does my boy Leo D still hang out here?
202
00:09:21,334 --> 00:09:25,126
Yeah, not since he won his Oscar.
But he left a bunch of garbage behind.
203
00:09:25,209 --> 00:09:26,376
Those guys?
204
00:09:26,459 --> 00:09:30,126
Tobey Maguire, David Blaine,
Lukas Haas, and Q-Tip,
205
00:09:30,209 --> 00:09:33,376
his old crew, aka the Pussy Posse.
206
00:09:33,459 --> 00:09:36,543
The legendary pickup artists
from the early aughts?
207
00:09:36,626 --> 00:09:38,543
I thought my older brother made them up.
208
00:09:38,626 --> 00:09:40,084
[David Blaine] Where are you going?
209
00:09:40,168 --> 00:09:42,668
Don't make me hold my breath
till you come back.
210
00:09:42,751 --> 00:09:45,043
I've done dumber things for much longer!
211
00:09:45,126 --> 00:09:46,751
Wazzup, home dogs.
212
00:09:46,834 --> 00:09:49,709
Looks like you're one white dude
short of a full posse.
213
00:09:49,793 --> 00:09:52,834
David disappeared Connolly
in a magic accident.
214
00:09:52,918 --> 00:09:54,084
R-I-P.
215
00:09:54,168 --> 00:09:55,709
Yo, don't step to me, Tobey.
216
00:09:55,793 --> 00:09:57,501
I'll turn you back into an owl.
217
00:09:57,584 --> 00:10:00,876
Well, I've been known
to have a few tricks up my sleeve too.
218
00:10:00,959 --> 00:10:02,584
Check this out.
219
00:10:03,084 --> 00:10:05,709
[groans] This is the life, huh?
220
00:10:05,793 --> 00:10:06,751
Agh!
221
00:10:06,834 --> 00:10:08,293
Hmm. [exhales]
222
00:10:08,793 --> 00:10:11,501
Just guys being dudes. [groans]
223
00:10:11,584 --> 00:10:13,959
I admire your shamelessness.
224
00:10:14,043 --> 00:10:15,626
What did you say your name was?
225
00:10:15,709 --> 00:10:20,043
It's Blaive… Brett… ford… stein.
226
00:10:20,126 --> 00:10:21,459
Blaive Brettfordstein.
227
00:10:21,543 --> 00:10:23,876
Hm. We've been burned before, Blaive.
228
00:10:23,959 --> 00:10:27,126
Some people think they can use us
to get to Leo.
229
00:10:27,209 --> 00:10:29,376
[laughs] What? I would never.
230
00:10:29,459 --> 00:10:31,668
But if we hang out,
I will meet him, right?
231
00:10:31,751 --> 00:10:34,459
First you got to prove
you're posse material.
232
00:10:34,543 --> 00:10:37,251
Pussy Posse party protocol.
233
00:10:41,834 --> 00:10:44,001
[movie narrator] His muscles, huge.
234
00:10:44,584 --> 00:10:47,001
His alcoholism, charming.
235
00:10:47,584 --> 00:10:49,751
He's ready to get back together.
236
00:10:49,834 --> 00:10:51,918
If you can handle it.
237
00:10:58,376 --> 00:11:00,834
Yippee-ki-yay, mother of my child.
238
00:11:00,918 --> 00:11:01,959
[Myc] Cut.
239
00:11:02,834 --> 00:11:05,834
He's jiggling in the wind.
Can we turn the fans down?
240
00:11:05,918 --> 00:11:09,834
Goddamn it! This company managed to
cover up Mr. Rogers' Vietnam sniper count.
241
00:11:09,918 --> 00:11:12,126
Can't we cover up my fucking man boobs?
242
00:11:12,209 --> 00:11:13,959
Andre! I need that youth serum.
243
00:11:14,043 --> 00:11:15,418
Are you sure? [blows]
244
00:11:15,501 --> 00:11:17,626
I didn't check the expiration date
on these stem cells.
245
00:11:17,709 --> 00:11:20,501
I'm not getting any younger,
and neither is my scrotum.
246
00:11:22,626 --> 00:11:24,376
[Myc] If he dies, I get the Army.
247
00:11:24,459 --> 00:11:26,043
No fair. I want the Army!
248
00:11:26,543 --> 00:11:28,834
[suspenseful music plays]
249
00:11:30,959 --> 00:11:31,793
[gasping]
250
00:11:31,876 --> 00:11:35,834
Holy shit! I look 25 to 30,
and check out that ass.
251
00:11:35,918 --> 00:11:37,876
I don't want to, but I can't stop staring.
252
00:11:37,959 --> 00:11:41,209
Writers. I want 20…
No, 30 more sex scenes.
253
00:11:41,293 --> 00:11:44,168
-[Myc groans]
-Already so many. Goddamn it.
254
00:11:44,251 --> 00:11:46,251
[tense music plays]
255
00:11:46,793 --> 00:11:49,459
You know a man on the inside
of the Illuminati?
256
00:11:49,543 --> 00:11:51,293
This is some Deep Throat shit.
257
00:11:51,376 --> 00:11:53,293
We don't know each other very well.
258
00:11:54,168 --> 00:11:56,709
-Reagan.
-Gigi, this is my source, Staedtler.
259
00:11:57,334 --> 00:12:00,126
Oh, you two are banging, aren't you?
260
00:12:00,209 --> 00:12:01,418
-What?
-What? No.
261
00:12:01,501 --> 00:12:03,834
-No, we are not.
-I'm sorry. Gross.
262
00:12:03,918 --> 00:12:05,543
-No offense.
-Does anybody else say that?
263
00:12:05,626 --> 00:12:06,876
Why would you think that?
264
00:12:06,959 --> 00:12:10,918
[laughs] This really is
some Deep Throat shit. I love it, honey.
265
00:12:11,001 --> 00:12:14,876
Gigi. He's from a rival company.
You can't tell anyone.
266
00:12:14,959 --> 00:12:15,834
About the banging?
267
00:12:15,918 --> 00:12:17,626
Definitely not about the banging.
268
00:12:17,709 --> 00:12:19,584
Can everyone stop
saying the word "banging"?
269
00:12:19,668 --> 00:12:20,959
[Reagan groans] Shh!
270
00:12:21,043 --> 00:12:23,793
I grabbed every Keanu file
in the Illuminati archive.
271
00:12:25,584 --> 00:12:27,168
Okay, that's Keanu now,
272
00:12:27,251 --> 00:12:31,001
and here he is in Bram Stoker's Dracula
in 1992.
273
00:12:31,084 --> 00:12:32,584
He's barely aged a day.
274
00:12:34,168 --> 00:12:35,834
How old are these photos?
275
00:12:35,918 --> 00:12:37,418
And who are all these women?
276
00:12:38,001 --> 00:12:39,376
Hollywood Immortals?
277
00:12:39,459 --> 00:12:42,168
The Illuminati has spread their message
using the charisma of actors
278
00:12:42,251 --> 00:12:43,876
for centuries, but get this.
279
00:12:43,959 --> 00:12:47,959
They found a way to keep them alive
so their star power never dies.
280
00:12:48,043 --> 00:12:51,168
Hollywood's leading men
are making themselves immortal
281
00:12:51,251 --> 00:12:53,126
using the blood of young women!
282
00:12:53,209 --> 00:12:54,918
They're all hundreds of years old.
283
00:12:55,001 --> 00:12:57,043
Every ageless leading man is one of them.
284
00:12:57,126 --> 00:12:59,918
Nicolas Cage, Brad Pitt, Larry David,
285
00:13:00,001 --> 00:13:02,376
and the most bloodthirsty of them all,
286
00:13:02,459 --> 00:13:04,376
Leonardo DiCaprio.
287
00:13:04,459 --> 00:13:06,876
That's why they all date
19-year-old models
288
00:13:06,959 --> 00:13:08,251
who we never see again.
289
00:13:08,334 --> 00:13:09,418
For their blood!
290
00:13:09,501 --> 00:13:11,626
Shit. I have to go to my next cleanup job.
291
00:13:11,709 --> 00:13:14,709
Someone on the Internet found out
Margot Robbie is CGI.
292
00:13:14,793 --> 00:13:15,668
Call me later?
293
00:13:16,293 --> 00:13:18,959
Reagan, you've gotta tell Tamiko
the truth about Keanu Reeves
294
00:13:19,043 --> 00:13:21,043
before he drinks her
through a crazy straw.
295
00:13:21,126 --> 00:13:22,001
I can't.
296
00:13:22,084 --> 00:13:25,959
If I tell her, she's just gonna assume
I'm being old unsupportive Reagan.
297
00:13:26,043 --> 00:13:28,334
It'll just drive them closer together.
298
00:13:28,418 --> 00:13:31,251
Mom is gonna have to find out
from somebody that she trusts.
299
00:13:31,334 --> 00:13:34,959
Goddamn it, Rad Ridley.
You punched the president to death.
300
00:13:35,043 --> 00:13:38,418
You better not be
having hot sex right now.
301
00:13:40,084 --> 00:13:43,418
The flag's not the only thing
at half-mast.
302
00:13:44,418 --> 00:13:46,584
Huh? Wait, what the hell is going on?
303
00:13:47,251 --> 00:13:48,084
[Rand groans]
304
00:13:48,793 --> 00:13:50,251
[ominous music plays]
305
00:13:50,334 --> 00:13:51,626
[screams]
306
00:13:52,543 --> 00:13:54,376
Shit. Fucking fuck. Fuck!
307
00:13:54,876 --> 00:13:57,043
[Myc] Okay, that's a cut.
308
00:13:57,126 --> 00:13:58,459
Shit! Andre!
309
00:13:58,543 --> 00:14:00,668
You only gave me an hour
to make the serum.
310
00:14:00,751 --> 00:14:02,668
[Myc] Well, our continuity is fucked.
311
00:14:02,751 --> 00:14:05,293
You seem like the kind of guy
who cares about continuity.
312
00:14:05,376 --> 00:14:06,876
[Myc] It's the only thing that matters.
313
00:14:06,959 --> 00:14:08,626
Before you Benjamin Buttoned me,
314
00:14:08,709 --> 00:14:12,334
I was well on my way to smashing
box office records and my wife.
315
00:14:12,418 --> 00:14:16,501
Now, I just have a powerful urge
to smash brightly-colored blocks together.
316
00:14:16,584 --> 00:14:18,459
I want an Oscar!
317
00:14:18,543 --> 00:14:21,584
[Myc] How? At this rate,
we're filming goddamn Boss Baby.
318
00:14:21,668 --> 00:14:24,376
Well, this baby is still your boss,
319
00:14:24,459 --> 00:14:27,918
and I'll kick your dick through your head
unless we finish this movie.
320
00:14:28,001 --> 00:14:30,126
Don't forget I have the nuclear codes.
321
00:14:30,209 --> 00:14:31,043
Furthermore…
322
00:14:31,126 --> 00:14:32,001
Wah!
323
00:14:32,084 --> 00:14:34,584
[Myc] Where the fuck
is Brett with DiCaprio?
324
00:14:34,668 --> 00:14:37,584
All right, Blaive,
to prove you're Leo material,
325
00:14:37,668 --> 00:14:40,709
go run game on those 9.7s at the bar.
326
00:14:40,793 --> 00:14:43,543
-[women laugh]
-Hey, I'm Blaive.
327
00:14:43,626 --> 00:14:44,668
I like your Birkin.
328
00:14:44,751 --> 00:14:46,626
My mom had one like it for her pills.
329
00:14:46,709 --> 00:14:48,084
Oh my gosh.
330
00:14:48,168 --> 00:14:50,584
You're so sweet and hot,
331
00:14:50,668 --> 00:14:53,084
but, like, non-threatening, like a cousin,
332
00:14:53,168 --> 00:14:54,626
but still kind of hot.
333
00:14:54,709 --> 00:14:58,251
Whoa. What's that thing he's doing
while he's waiting to talk?
334
00:14:58,334 --> 00:15:01,209
I think he's listening.
335
00:15:01,293 --> 00:15:02,209
Sorcery!
336
00:15:02,293 --> 00:15:04,959
Blaive, what's your secret?
337
00:15:05,043 --> 00:15:08,918
Well, first off, one helpful tip
is to think of a woman as a person.
338
00:15:09,001 --> 00:15:10,834
-Did he just say that?
-My mind is blown.
339
00:15:10,918 --> 00:15:13,209
Everything I know is wrong!
340
00:15:13,293 --> 00:15:15,668
Womanizing is our entire identity.
341
00:15:15,751 --> 00:15:18,626
Could we even still call ourselves
the Pussy Posse?
342
00:15:18,709 --> 00:15:21,334
You sure can, with one of these.
343
00:15:23,876 --> 00:15:25,168
I'm getting on Etsy.
344
00:15:25,251 --> 00:15:28,293
How about we go show off
our newfound wisdom to Leo, huh?
345
00:15:28,918 --> 00:15:33,418
Sorry, Blaive. Truth is, Leo kicked us
to the curb when he won that Oscar.
346
00:15:33,501 --> 00:15:35,584
"Never let go" my ass.
347
00:15:35,668 --> 00:15:37,418
He's got a new posse now.
348
00:15:37,501 --> 00:15:40,459
Oh, okay. Well, do you know
where they hang out?
349
00:15:42,376 --> 00:15:44,834
Hell yeah, is this "Baby Shark"?
350
00:15:44,918 --> 00:15:48,418
Did you know the guy who wrote
"Baby Shark" killed his wife in 1998?
351
00:15:48,501 --> 00:15:51,459
Oh, this song is horseshit.
Play it again, though.
352
00:15:51,543 --> 00:15:53,251
[Myc] We got coordinates on Leo.
353
00:15:53,334 --> 00:15:55,418
Then let's go shoot that fight scene.
354
00:15:55,501 --> 00:15:58,293
Okay, but I think we should bring boostie.
355
00:15:58,376 --> 00:16:00,043
No boostie!
356
00:16:00,126 --> 00:16:02,543
[tense music plays]
357
00:16:02,626 --> 00:16:04,834
Keanu's on the move.
Go break up with your mom.
358
00:16:08,584 --> 00:16:09,418
How do I look?
359
00:16:09,501 --> 00:16:12,418
Vaguely Asian, but not in the way
that threatens Middle America.
360
00:16:12,501 --> 00:16:15,876
Perfect. Whoa. Whoa. Wow.
361
00:16:15,959 --> 00:16:17,501
No, that's Owen Wilson.
362
00:16:17,584 --> 00:16:20,126
Whoa. Okay. I've got it.
363
00:16:20,209 --> 00:16:21,084
[doorbell chimes]
364
00:16:21,584 --> 00:16:25,834
Nunu? You just left. And why are you
ringing your own doorbell?
365
00:16:25,918 --> 00:16:29,293
Uh, because I need this to be official.
366
00:16:29,376 --> 00:16:31,668
Tamiko, I'm breaking up with you.
367
00:16:31,751 --> 00:16:35,501
What? But we just made passionate love
in the Idaho pool.
368
00:16:35,584 --> 00:16:36,959
[yelps] Look, fine.
369
00:16:37,043 --> 00:16:41,001
You need to leave because I'm actually
a 400-year-old Immortal
370
00:16:41,084 --> 00:16:42,626
and I want to suck your blood.
371
00:16:42,709 --> 00:16:45,084
Oh my God, I understand.
372
00:16:45,876 --> 00:16:48,876
This is sexy role-play.
373
00:16:48,959 --> 00:16:51,834
Suck me dry, you immortal fuck demon!
374
00:16:51,918 --> 00:16:53,293
Agh, Mom. Stop it!
375
00:16:53,376 --> 00:16:55,293
[screams] Oh, shit.
376
00:16:55,376 --> 00:16:56,793
Wait. Mom?
377
00:16:56,876 --> 00:16:59,626
-[tense music plays]
-[groans]
378
00:16:59,709 --> 00:17:01,293
Reagan! I should have known.
379
00:17:01,376 --> 00:17:04,376
You've been judging me
this entire time, again.
380
00:17:04,459 --> 00:17:05,709
No, this is different.
381
00:17:05,793 --> 00:17:08,918
Keanu is some kind of science vampire.
I can prove it.
382
00:17:09,001 --> 00:17:11,959
How could you do this?
I finally found a keeper.
383
00:17:12,043 --> 00:17:13,709
Yeah, a Crypt Keeper.
384
00:17:13,793 --> 00:17:15,334
You're just like your father.
385
00:17:15,418 --> 00:17:17,043
You won't work on our relationship,
386
00:17:17,126 --> 00:17:20,501
but there's no amount of work you won't do
to make sure I'm not happy.
387
00:17:20,584 --> 00:17:21,876
-That is not what--
-Just go.
388
00:17:21,959 --> 00:17:24,418
And do not show your face
at tonight's premiere.
389
00:17:25,501 --> 00:17:27,043
Or Keanu's face.
390
00:17:27,709 --> 00:17:28,543
The premiere!
391
00:17:28,626 --> 00:17:32,043
She's going to walk
right into a den of A-list vampires.
392
00:17:33,001 --> 00:17:34,043
I'm all out of options.
393
00:17:34,126 --> 00:17:37,543
If I want to save my mom,
I have to do what The Lake House couldn't.
394
00:17:38,043 --> 00:17:39,959
Kill Keanu Reeves.
395
00:17:41,918 --> 00:17:45,251
We need to infiltrate that premiere
and get to Keanu before it's too late.
396
00:17:45,334 --> 00:17:46,168
But how?
397
00:17:46,251 --> 00:17:48,584
The only way in is to walk the red carpet,
398
00:17:48,668 --> 00:17:50,501
and when they see someone as hot as me,
399
00:17:50,584 --> 00:17:52,959
all those camera flashes
will attract attention.
400
00:17:53,043 --> 00:17:55,709
I don't have frumpy privilege
like you, Reagan.
401
00:18:00,501 --> 00:18:03,751
men will look at you
the way they look at me. Briefly.
402
00:18:03,834 --> 00:18:05,584
[upbeat music plays]
403
00:18:08,459 --> 00:18:09,709
And done.
404
00:18:10,251 --> 00:18:12,001
Wow, I hate it.
405
00:18:12,084 --> 00:18:15,834
I want to cyberbully myself.
Do you really think this'll work?
406
00:18:15,918 --> 00:18:18,793
Oh, yeah. In Hollywood,
being a rumpled woman over 30
407
00:18:18,876 --> 00:18:20,834
is basically an invisibility cloak.
408
00:18:20,918 --> 00:18:22,459
-[man 1] Emma Stone!
-[man 2] Over here!
409
00:18:22,543 --> 00:18:24,584
[man 3] Tell me about La La Land.
410
00:18:24,668 --> 00:18:25,751
[magical music plays]
411
00:18:26,501 --> 00:18:28,709
Do you see anyone?
412
00:18:28,793 --> 00:18:31,126
My eyes can't really focus.
413
00:18:31,209 --> 00:18:35,418
-[man] Does this look like anything?
-Just an empty red carpet. Weird.
414
00:18:35,501 --> 00:18:38,793
Damn, I could
get used to being unremarkable.
415
00:18:38,876 --> 00:18:40,709
[Reagan] Yeah. I'm so lucky.
416
00:18:40,793 --> 00:18:42,793
-[Tamiko laughs]
-[Gigi gasps] Look!
417
00:18:42,876 --> 00:18:45,251
I need a private moment to unflex my abs.
418
00:18:45,334 --> 00:18:46,501
Be right back, Koko.
419
00:18:47,126 --> 00:18:48,793
Keanu's headed towards the restroom.
420
00:18:48,876 --> 00:18:51,043
Keep watch. I'm going after Keanu.
421
00:18:51,126 --> 00:18:53,668
Bull. Gigi never gets to kill anybody.
422
00:18:53,751 --> 00:18:57,584
♪ Happy Birthday, Keanu. Happy-- ♪
423
00:18:57,668 --> 00:19:00,209
Catch you at a bad time, Keanu?
424
00:19:00,293 --> 00:19:03,543
To quote myself,
whoa, what are you doing here?
425
00:19:03,626 --> 00:19:04,793
Saving my mom!
426
00:19:04,876 --> 00:19:06,959
[dramatic music plays]
427
00:19:08,668 --> 00:19:12,584
You know my secret, but I'm warning you.
I know kung fu.
428
00:19:12,668 --> 00:19:13,834
Yeah, I know.
429
00:19:13,918 --> 00:19:16,043
It's one of two things
people know about you.
430
00:19:16,126 --> 00:19:18,793
-They also know I do my own stunts.
-[Reagan grunts]
431
00:19:18,876 --> 00:19:20,543
[dramatic music plays]
432
00:19:21,793 --> 00:19:23,418
-[Reagan grunts]
-[Keanu groans]
433
00:19:27,084 --> 00:19:28,543
[groans and sighs]
434
00:19:28,626 --> 00:19:30,043
[dramatic music continues]
435
00:19:33,459 --> 00:19:37,543
That doesn't scare me.
I'm a pan-denominational Buddhist.
436
00:19:37,626 --> 00:19:40,293
Buddhists still bleed! [yells]
437
00:19:41,709 --> 00:19:43,418
[both grunt]
438
00:19:43,501 --> 00:19:44,543
[Keanu grunts]
439
00:19:44,626 --> 00:19:48,251
Exactly. There were times
when I felt like the book was writing me.
440
00:19:48,834 --> 00:19:52,793
Holy follow-up question.
Would you consider yourself a genius?
441
00:19:52,876 --> 00:19:54,126
No, no.
442
00:19:54,209 --> 00:19:55,084
But yes.
443
00:19:56,043 --> 00:19:58,918
-[gasps] Keanu? Reagan?
-Shit!
444
00:19:59,001 --> 00:20:00,668
-I told her not to come.
-[yelps]
445
00:20:00,751 --> 00:20:02,584
[Reagan yells]
446
00:20:02,668 --> 00:20:03,709
[both grunt]
447
00:20:04,418 --> 00:20:06,626
Fake rain? This just seems expensive.
448
00:20:06,709 --> 00:20:09,209
And in the desert. So wasteful.
449
00:20:09,709 --> 00:20:11,918
Have some garlic, Keanu.
450
00:20:12,001 --> 00:20:13,918
No! Where did you get that?
451
00:20:14,001 --> 00:20:17,376
Olive Garden.
"When you're here, you're family."
452
00:20:22,209 --> 00:20:23,084
[Keanu groans]
453
00:20:24,459 --> 00:20:25,501
[Reagan strains]
454
00:20:26,293 --> 00:20:29,043
All right, Keanu, time to eat your stake.
455
00:20:30,293 --> 00:20:33,376
[sniffs] White oak. You did your homework.
456
00:20:33,459 --> 00:20:36,084
I fucking love homework. And my mom.
457
00:20:36,168 --> 00:20:37,751
I love her too, Reagan.
458
00:20:38,418 --> 00:20:40,168
Reagan. What are you doing?
459
00:20:40,251 --> 00:20:43,043
It's all right, Tamiko,
she's just protecting you.
460
00:20:43,126 --> 00:20:45,334
Everything Reagan said is true.
461
00:20:45,418 --> 00:20:48,793
For hundreds of years,
I've been a blood-sucking Immortal,
462
00:20:48,876 --> 00:20:50,001
until now.
463
00:20:51,209 --> 00:20:53,709
You're not gonna try
to suck out my mom's blood?
464
00:20:53,793 --> 00:20:58,209
I lied about being a vampire,
but not about loving Tamiko.
465
00:20:58,293 --> 00:20:59,793
I'm done with immortality.
466
00:20:59,876 --> 00:21:02,959
I finally found the woman
I want to grow old with.
467
00:21:03,043 --> 00:21:04,543
Oh, Nunu.
468
00:21:06,209 --> 00:21:07,626
[man] We've heard enough!
469
00:21:07,709 --> 00:21:09,418
[suspenseful music plays]
470
00:21:12,959 --> 00:21:15,251
[gasps] Leonardo DiCaprio!
471
00:21:15,334 --> 00:21:16,334
Nicolas Cage,
472
00:21:16,418 --> 00:21:17,293
Bradley Cooper,
473
00:21:17,376 --> 00:21:18,293
Johnny Depp!
474
00:21:18,376 --> 00:21:20,626
Oh God, we've stumbled
right into their lair.
475
00:21:20,709 --> 00:21:22,751
I knew you were getting soft, Keanu.
476
00:21:22,834 --> 00:21:25,668
You've been dating
age-appropriate women for years.
477
00:21:25,751 --> 00:21:28,543
That's as disgusting
as only wearing one scarf.
478
00:21:28,626 --> 00:21:31,418
If audiences see you getting older,
479
00:21:31,501 --> 00:21:34,251
they'll get suspicious
about the rest of us.
480
00:21:34,334 --> 00:21:35,418
Except Tom Cruise.
481
00:21:35,501 --> 00:21:37,709
Yeah, that guy is fucking bulletproof.
482
00:21:37,793 --> 00:21:39,876
You guys are so bogus.
483
00:21:39,959 --> 00:21:41,834
Tamiko is a national treasure.
484
00:21:41,918 --> 00:21:45,626
-Good thing I know how to steal those.
-[grunting]
485
00:21:45,709 --> 00:21:46,876
-[gasps]
-Mom!
486
00:21:46,959 --> 00:21:47,793
[grunts]
487
00:21:47,876 --> 00:21:49,293
Before we kill Keanu,
488
00:21:49,376 --> 00:21:53,459
one last ceremonial bloodletting
with his 40-something girlfriend.
489
00:21:54,959 --> 00:21:55,793
[gasps]
490
00:21:55,876 --> 00:21:57,293
And oh!
491
00:21:58,001 --> 00:22:00,543
Prepare to be Leonardo decapitated.
492
00:22:00,626 --> 00:22:03,959
Hey, Romeo, hands off my wife!
493
00:22:04,043 --> 00:22:08,251
Well, if it isn't my old crew
and some hideous baby man.
494
00:22:08,334 --> 00:22:09,168
Dad?
495
00:22:09,251 --> 00:22:11,876
He's turned himself
into a literal man-child.
496
00:22:11,959 --> 00:22:14,168
Way to turn subtext to text, Rand.
497
00:22:14,251 --> 00:22:16,001
My therapist would love this.
498
00:22:16,084 --> 00:22:17,751
I did it to impress you.
499
00:22:17,834 --> 00:22:21,543
To show you that I was younger, hotter,
and had more Oscars than Keanu.
500
00:22:21,626 --> 00:22:23,209
[laughs]
501
00:22:23,293 --> 00:22:25,834
Looks like the D-listers
crashed the party.
502
00:22:25,918 --> 00:22:27,168
We've evolved, Leo.
503
00:22:27,251 --> 00:22:31,168
You can't bully us, or this single father
and his disfigured baby.
504
00:22:31,251 --> 00:22:32,668
Andre, downzies.
505
00:22:32,751 --> 00:22:34,418
Myc, grab the camera.
506
00:22:34,501 --> 00:22:35,334
[Myc] Rolling!
507
00:22:35,418 --> 00:22:38,293
I'm kicking your ass.
Get ready for a bloodbath!
508
00:22:38,376 --> 00:22:39,876
[gasps] That's it.
509
00:22:39,959 --> 00:22:40,959
Blood.
510
00:22:41,043 --> 00:22:42,001
[Leonardo groans]
511
00:22:42,084 --> 00:22:43,501
[Reagan grunts]
512
00:22:43,584 --> 00:22:44,793
Reagan, what are you doing?
513
00:22:44,876 --> 00:22:47,043
Something I've had recurring dreams about.
514
00:22:47,126 --> 00:22:48,709
Finally stabbing my father!
515
00:22:48,793 --> 00:22:50,043
Ouchies!
516
00:22:50,751 --> 00:22:52,168
You fools.
517
00:22:52,251 --> 00:22:54,876
Baby blood is only gonna make me stronger.
518
00:22:54,959 --> 00:22:56,209
Not this baby.
519
00:22:56,293 --> 00:23:00,709
You just mainlined enough bad choices
to age you a thousand years.
520
00:23:00,793 --> 00:23:03,709
-My blood type is O Shit.
-What?!
521
00:23:03,793 --> 00:23:05,209
[groans]
522
00:23:05,293 --> 00:23:07,584
[gurgling]
523
00:23:08,168 --> 00:23:11,043
[Rand groans]
524
00:23:11,584 --> 00:23:15,918
[laughs] Drink up, pretty boy.
That shit is hundred proof Ridley.
525
00:23:17,209 --> 00:23:18,834
You can't do this to me!
526
00:23:18,918 --> 00:23:20,834
I'm the king of the world!
527
00:23:20,918 --> 00:23:22,459
[gurgles and groans]
528
00:23:22,543 --> 00:23:25,043
At least he died
doing what he loved. Composting.
529
00:23:25,126 --> 00:23:26,876
[Myc] I got it in the can!
530
00:23:26,959 --> 00:23:30,668
I give this movie three stars.
Very confusing.
531
00:23:30,751 --> 00:23:34,043
Sorry I lied, Tamiko.
But I meant everything I said.
532
00:23:34,126 --> 00:23:36,334
I'm ready to give up immortality for you.
533
00:23:36,418 --> 00:23:38,043
Oh, that's…
534
00:23:38,126 --> 00:23:39,376
You're sweet, but…
535
00:23:40,168 --> 00:23:41,418
Bye!
536
00:23:42,293 --> 00:23:45,043
Hey. [chuckles] Sorry for all the…
537
00:23:45,543 --> 00:23:47,293
Um… Ah, fuck it.
538
00:23:49,043 --> 00:23:51,418
Well, guess I better
start dressing my age.
539
00:23:51,501 --> 00:23:53,001
You and me both, brother.
540
00:23:53,543 --> 00:23:56,001
I can't believe the whole A list is gone.
541
00:23:56,084 --> 00:23:58,293
I'm proud that the last thing Leo saw
542
00:23:58,376 --> 00:24:01,084
was his posse
growing into mature, decent men.
543
00:24:01,168 --> 00:24:03,626
It's okay. We have a new leader.
544
00:24:03,709 --> 00:24:08,001
Sorry, guys. My name's actually Brett,
and I already have a posse.
545
00:24:08,084 --> 00:24:09,001
The deep state.
546
00:24:09,084 --> 00:24:10,084
-[gasps]
-Impossible!
547
00:24:10,168 --> 00:24:11,626
A masterful illusion.
548
00:24:11,709 --> 00:24:15,376
Damn, dude, this whole time,
you were running game, on us.
549
00:24:15,459 --> 00:24:18,168
Then you've learned my final lesson, bros.
550
00:24:18,251 --> 00:24:20,459
Please, Brett, don't forget us.
551
00:24:20,543 --> 00:24:21,918
Call me Blaive.
552
00:24:22,501 --> 00:24:24,501
[coughing]
553
00:24:26,043 --> 00:24:26,876
[laughs]
554
00:24:30,918 --> 00:24:35,543
Hey. Sorry I ruined your premiere
and tried to murder your boyfriend.
555
00:24:35,626 --> 00:24:39,043
I guess Keanu was a good guy after all.
556
00:24:39,126 --> 00:24:40,834
No, I'm sorry.
557
00:24:40,918 --> 00:24:43,001
Seeing my only daughter
risk her life like that,
558
00:24:43,084 --> 00:24:48,418
I-I realized you have been supporting me
this whole time by trying to protect me.
559
00:24:48,501 --> 00:24:51,709
Exactly. It's not that I don't want you
to be happy.
560
00:24:51,793 --> 00:24:54,793
It's just you have horrible taste in men.
561
00:24:54,876 --> 00:24:58,043
Dad, Buzz Aldrin, actual monsters.
562
00:24:58,126 --> 00:24:59,334
I get it now.
563
00:24:59,418 --> 00:25:03,751
You murdered every leading man
in Hollywood because you love me.
564
00:25:03,834 --> 00:25:05,043
And I always will.
565
00:25:06,251 --> 00:25:08,959
Wait, did you break up with Keanu
because he was a vampire,
566
00:25:09,043 --> 00:25:12,459
or because you discovered
he was way older than you thought he was?
567
00:25:12,543 --> 00:25:15,084
Reagan. Can't it be both?
568
00:25:16,668 --> 00:25:18,959
[movie narrator] He's better
than you remember.
569
00:25:19,043 --> 00:25:21,918
He'll have you saying Kean-who?
570
00:25:22,001 --> 00:25:24,084
Tell the president I'm on my way.
571
00:25:24,793 --> 00:25:25,751
[chews loudly]
572
00:25:26,668 --> 00:25:29,418
[whines]
573
00:25:33,709 --> 00:25:36,209
[Myc] I am not
putting my name on this. I quit!
574
00:25:37,126 --> 00:25:38,126
[crashing]
575
00:25:40,209 --> 00:25:42,126
[dramatic music plays]
576
00:25:57,209 --> 00:26:02,209
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