1 00:00:06,293 --> 00:00:08,959 A NETFLIX SERIES 2 00:00:18,459 --> 00:00:22,001 All clear! Time for our annual secret revising of the Constitution. 3 00:00:22,084 --> 00:00:25,001 Don't forget the amendment about moving the Capitol to Cleveland. 4 00:00:25,084 --> 00:00:26,834 There's no decent pierogies here. 5 00:00:27,918 --> 00:00:30,001 How would the Founding Fathers feel about this? 6 00:00:30,084 --> 00:00:32,959 Probably the same way your father feels about you. 7 00:00:33,043 --> 00:00:35,668 -Hey! -Who cares? Ten of them were slaveholders. 8 00:00:35,751 --> 00:00:39,084 And George Washington was actually just a bunch of gerbils under a waistcoat. 9 00:00:39,168 --> 00:00:41,834 That's President Pile of Gerbils to you. 10 00:00:43,834 --> 00:00:44,959 Andre, what's our timeframe? 11 00:00:45,043 --> 00:00:48,334 Twenty minutes. I used a cocktail of NyQuil and cat Prozac. 12 00:00:48,418 --> 00:00:52,001 Oh, great. Dr. Literal Dolittle has it covered. 13 00:00:52,084 --> 00:00:53,126 Shut up, Myc. 14 00:00:53,209 --> 00:00:57,043 Just ignore him. Okay, give the word and I'll blow the hell out of this thing. 15 00:00:57,126 --> 00:00:59,209 Said your ex-wife to Brett's dick. 16 00:00:59,293 --> 00:01:00,334 I'll kill you! 17 00:01:00,418 --> 00:01:01,876 Will you can the insults, Myc? 18 00:01:01,959 --> 00:01:04,918 I need you to contort that squishy-ass body through those lasers 19 00:01:05,001 --> 00:01:07,084 before you screw up this mission for us. 20 00:01:07,168 --> 00:01:09,876 I thought failing was kind of more your thing. 21 00:01:10,709 --> 00:01:13,418 Aliens? A woman in charge of a team? 22 00:01:13,501 --> 00:01:15,126 No one will believe this! 23 00:01:15,209 --> 00:01:16,793 Myc, quick! Spurt on that guy! 24 00:01:16,876 --> 00:01:19,293 I'm not a soft serve machine. I need to warm up. 25 00:01:19,376 --> 00:01:21,668 Hold on. Just give me a sec here, all right? 26 00:01:21,751 --> 00:01:23,709 -Hey, nobody look at me! -Goddamn it! 27 00:01:25,709 --> 00:01:26,876 Security breach. 28 00:01:26,959 --> 00:01:28,376 Now the mission is fucked! 29 00:01:28,459 --> 00:01:30,876 You useless waste of space! 30 00:01:30,959 --> 00:01:32,959 Your shit attitude blew our mission! 31 00:01:33,043 --> 00:01:35,251 We had to disappear that security guard! 32 00:01:35,334 --> 00:01:37,459 And now I have to raise his tropical fish. 33 00:01:37,543 --> 00:01:39,293 Give me one reason why I shouldn't fire you. 34 00:01:39,376 --> 00:01:40,459 I… I… 35 00:01:41,584 --> 00:01:45,459 Oh God! 36 00:01:45,543 --> 00:01:47,459 Okay. I was not ready for that. 37 00:01:47,543 --> 00:01:49,709 Whoa, whoa, buddy, what's wrong? 38 00:01:55,584 --> 00:01:58,084 I'm from a million-year-old mushroom hive cluster 39 00:01:58,168 --> 00:01:59,668 who live in the center of Earth. 40 00:01:59,751 --> 00:02:04,459 Those stuck-up, under-crust douchebags live in perfect harmony 41 00:02:04,543 --> 00:02:07,334 and kicked me out because I'm too much of a rebel. 42 00:02:07,418 --> 00:02:11,043 You told me you left because everybody was jealous of your "huge dong." 43 00:02:11,126 --> 00:02:13,834 All lies! My dong is average. 44 00:02:13,918 --> 00:02:15,418 Average! 45 00:02:19,751 --> 00:02:21,918 So you're acting up because of your reunion? 46 00:02:22,001 --> 00:02:23,209 How can I go back? 47 00:02:23,293 --> 00:02:26,709 When I left, I wanted to prove I could be somebody, 48 00:02:26,793 --> 00:02:28,334 but I'm a single, middle-aged loser 49 00:02:28,418 --> 00:02:31,751 playing second fiddle to a bunch of Men in Black rejects. 50 00:02:31,834 --> 00:02:33,043 Why don't you just lie? 51 00:02:33,126 --> 00:02:35,209 My hometown thinks I created Grey's Anatomy. 52 00:02:35,293 --> 00:02:36,459 I'll still be single. 53 00:02:36,543 --> 00:02:40,459 In hive culture, you are nothing without a cluster. 54 00:02:40,543 --> 00:02:42,668 Ooh, ooh, Brett idea incoming! 55 00:02:42,751 --> 00:02:46,584 We go to your reunion with you and pose as your cluster! 56 00:02:47,793 --> 00:02:49,376 Also, what is a cluster? 57 00:02:49,459 --> 00:02:52,418 It's some kind of freaky mushroom mind marriage. 58 00:02:52,501 --> 00:02:55,543 It's a psychic union, where everyone thinks the same and acts the same, 59 00:02:55,626 --> 00:02:57,293 like fucking Marvel fans. 60 00:02:57,376 --> 00:03:00,293 One sec, Myc. I don't want to do this any more than you do, 61 00:03:00,376 --> 00:03:03,293 but with Myc in this state, we'll never be able to complete our missions. 62 00:03:03,376 --> 00:03:06,209 Look at him! He can't make Mind Eraser Juice like this. 63 00:03:06,293 --> 00:03:08,793 And we can stop at Cracker Barrel on the way home. 64 00:03:08,876 --> 00:03:10,834 Now I can get down with some Cracker Barrel. 65 00:03:10,918 --> 00:03:12,834 Okay, Myc, we'll pretend to be your cluster 66 00:03:12,918 --> 00:03:16,584 if you promise to never insult us again. 67 00:03:17,626 --> 00:03:20,209 My insults are my art! 68 00:03:20,293 --> 00:03:23,751 But I can't let those shitheads in my hive see me like this. 69 00:03:26,751 --> 00:03:27,626 Okay, deal. 70 00:03:27,709 --> 00:03:29,334 Thank you, Reagan! 71 00:03:29,834 --> 00:03:31,668 Fuck! What are you excreting? 72 00:03:31,751 --> 00:03:33,418 Sorta mucus, sorta jizz. 73 00:03:33,501 --> 00:03:35,251 I call it "jucus." 74 00:03:35,334 --> 00:03:39,126 Group hug! Who wants to touch my jucus? 75 00:03:39,209 --> 00:03:40,126 Ugh! 76 00:03:40,209 --> 00:03:42,334 -I'm already regretting this. -Yay! 77 00:04:08,334 --> 00:04:11,126 Gear up. It's a six-mile spelunk down to Myc's hive. 78 00:04:16,876 --> 00:04:20,293 5,000 years and I still don't have a thing to wear. 79 00:04:20,376 --> 00:04:21,584 You're normally naked. 80 00:04:25,251 --> 00:04:27,709 I need the team back here for a priority code red. 81 00:04:27,793 --> 00:04:29,376 Someone took a shit on my desk! 82 00:04:30,001 --> 00:04:31,543 -Bleugh. -I think we have a spy. 83 00:04:31,626 --> 00:04:33,543 Why would a spy shit on your desk? 84 00:04:33,626 --> 00:04:35,376 I don't know. Psychological warfare? 85 00:04:35,459 --> 00:04:38,543 They're out to get me, Reagan! Someone hates that I'm in charge. 86 00:04:38,626 --> 00:04:41,959 Everyone hates that you're in charge, but you're still being paranoid. 87 00:04:42,043 --> 00:04:42,876 Paranoid? 88 00:04:42,959 --> 00:04:45,501 Do you have any idea how many enemies I've made? 89 00:04:45,584 --> 00:04:48,334 They're everywhere, watching. 90 00:04:49,251 --> 00:04:50,459 We're in Oregon right now. 91 00:04:50,543 --> 00:04:53,084 So unless you can teleport us there, you're on your own. 92 00:04:53,168 --> 00:04:56,126 I would, but the teleporter keeps blinking twelve o'clock, 93 00:04:56,209 --> 00:04:58,543 and I can't figure out which remote fixes that. 94 00:04:59,209 --> 00:05:01,501 Ah, shit! I'll show them who's paranoid. 95 00:05:01,584 --> 00:05:04,084 I'll catch the mystery shitter and then we'll see who's right 96 00:05:04,168 --> 00:05:07,543 about getting a sniper team to cover the sniper team. Hm. 97 00:05:08,168 --> 00:05:12,001 But then who will snipe the sniper snipers? 98 00:05:12,668 --> 00:05:14,584 Sniper sniper snipers? 99 00:05:14,668 --> 00:05:15,501 Brilliant! 100 00:05:15,584 --> 00:05:17,168 You're fired for eavesdropping. 101 00:05:18,793 --> 00:05:21,209 We're almost to my hive school. Remember the story. 102 00:05:21,293 --> 00:05:23,334 We are your loyal cluster. 103 00:05:23,418 --> 00:05:25,751 Cluster harem. Say harem. 104 00:05:25,834 --> 00:05:26,834 Harem. 105 00:05:26,918 --> 00:05:30,459 And you're a respected leftist podcast host? 106 00:05:30,543 --> 00:05:34,334 That's right. I won the Nobel Prize for podcasting. 107 00:05:34,418 --> 00:05:36,334 Suck it, Roman Mars! 108 00:05:36,418 --> 00:05:38,626 I don't even think he's from Mars. 109 00:05:43,126 --> 00:05:44,043 Myc Cellium. 110 00:05:44,126 --> 00:05:45,418 Welcome, brother. 111 00:05:45,501 --> 00:05:48,543 Do me a favor. My cluster is kinda human. 112 00:05:48,626 --> 00:05:51,584 Could we slap a psychic metaphor over this place 113 00:05:51,668 --> 00:05:53,376 so we don't break their tiny brains? 114 00:05:53,459 --> 00:05:56,209 -What did I say about insults? -Jesus! It's not an insult. 115 00:05:56,293 --> 00:05:58,209 There's visual information down here 116 00:05:58,293 --> 00:06:02,834 that will literally drive you insane, you fucking… friend! 117 00:06:02,918 --> 00:06:06,793 Glamour in the form of a human high school reunion. 118 00:06:06,876 --> 00:06:08,251 As you wish! 119 00:06:13,251 --> 00:06:15,251 Ooh, add Romy and Michele. 120 00:06:17,418 --> 00:06:20,543 Uh, Lisa Kudrow? Absolutely would. 121 00:06:20,626 --> 00:06:21,543 Thanks, Chief. 122 00:06:31,334 --> 00:06:32,834 What are you so happy about? 123 00:06:32,918 --> 00:06:34,709 We're in a fucking slime cave! 124 00:06:34,793 --> 00:06:38,376 This is the cave where all the world's magic mushrooms originally come from! 125 00:06:38,459 --> 00:06:40,376 Well, keep that dope away from me. 126 00:06:40,459 --> 00:06:42,709 I've been mushroom-free my entire life. 127 00:06:42,793 --> 00:06:44,834 You've never tried mushrooms? 128 00:06:44,918 --> 00:06:47,168 Hell no! I'm a law-abiding American. 129 00:06:47,251 --> 00:06:49,459 I only take caffeine, alcohol, nicotine, 130 00:06:49,543 --> 00:06:52,334 and the occasional Oxyfentanyl blend to help me sleep. 131 00:06:52,418 --> 00:06:55,918 Glenn, I think you have clinical repression. 132 00:06:56,001 --> 00:06:57,001 Say what now? 133 00:06:57,084 --> 00:06:58,418 I used to be like you. 134 00:06:58,501 --> 00:07:01,251 Look at this guy. I didn't get laid until I was 23. 135 00:07:01,334 --> 00:07:04,793 I just prayed and watched Star Trek: Voyager for nine hours a day. 136 00:07:04,876 --> 00:07:06,876 Mushrooms helped me break free. 137 00:07:06,959 --> 00:07:09,793 Life is so much better when you open up to new things. 138 00:07:09,876 --> 00:07:11,584 Didn't you read Green Eggs and Ham? 139 00:07:11,668 --> 00:07:15,043 I read the cover and decided not to try it because I didn't like it. 140 00:07:16,918 --> 00:07:18,418 At least have a drink with me. 141 00:07:18,501 --> 00:07:20,043 Hm. All right. 142 00:07:23,584 --> 00:07:26,668 How's my breath? I need to be in peak form in case I run into… 143 00:07:26,751 --> 00:07:29,543 …Stem-mantha. 144 00:07:30,876 --> 00:07:33,584 She's the one that got away. 145 00:07:34,126 --> 00:07:35,626 Into a sulfur geyser. 146 00:07:37,126 --> 00:07:39,209 Oh, Stem-mantha, look at us, 147 00:07:39,293 --> 00:07:41,876 drawn to each other like magnets. 148 00:07:41,959 --> 00:07:45,126 Wait, were you the one who came over and did puzzles with my parents 149 00:07:45,209 --> 00:07:46,376 so I could go have sex? 150 00:07:46,459 --> 00:07:48,168 Uh… Well, I-- 151 00:07:48,251 --> 00:07:49,626 -Go long! 152 00:07:50,293 --> 00:07:51,834 Myc Cellium? 153 00:07:51,918 --> 00:07:54,334 I haven't seen him since he ran out of graduation 154 00:07:54,418 --> 00:07:56,626 before we all merged our consciousnesses. 155 00:07:56,709 --> 00:07:58,876 Merged our consciousness. 156 00:07:58,959 --> 00:08:03,209 For once, you're not alone. I assume these are your parole officers? 157 00:08:03,293 --> 00:08:05,459 Nope. We're his cluster. 158 00:08:05,543 --> 00:08:07,876 We are so in sync, it's crazy. 159 00:08:07,959 --> 00:08:09,168 -Weird as hell. -Awesome! 160 00:08:09,251 --> 00:08:11,001 She means non-stop erotic. 161 00:08:11,084 --> 00:08:14,251 -Merged with humans? -Is that Myc Cellium? 162 00:08:14,334 --> 00:08:17,668 That's right. I, Myc, the guy you all said has no friends, 163 00:08:17,751 --> 00:08:21,459 now has a loyal cluster of kick-ass human wives. 164 00:08:21,543 --> 00:08:25,084 Also, he's Facebook friends with Judd Apatow. 165 00:08:25,168 --> 00:08:27,459 And he invented electricity. 166 00:08:27,543 --> 00:08:29,293 Oh, wow! 167 00:08:29,376 --> 00:08:31,418 Quick! Assemble into a human throne. 168 00:08:31,501 --> 00:08:32,709 Hey, we had a deal. 169 00:08:32,793 --> 00:08:36,459 It's all part of the act. Love ya. Appreciate ya. 170 00:08:36,543 --> 00:08:39,001 Right, my little sex monkeys? 171 00:08:41,584 --> 00:08:44,251 Wow, it might just be the dim cave lighting, 172 00:08:44,334 --> 00:08:46,584 but you've had a serious glow-up. 173 00:08:46,668 --> 00:08:49,168 -Ooh, wow. 174 00:08:51,501 --> 00:08:53,584 -Which one of you did it? -Did what? 175 00:08:53,668 --> 00:08:55,626 Don't act like you don't know. 176 00:08:55,709 --> 00:08:59,334 Okay, okay! I've been stealing lamps from the office. 177 00:08:59,418 --> 00:09:01,084 I have a problem! 178 00:09:01,626 --> 00:09:04,459 No one gives a shit about your lamp addiction, Mothman. 179 00:09:04,543 --> 00:09:08,251 I want to know which one of you spies shit on my desk! 180 00:09:10,501 --> 00:09:13,168 -What is he talking about? -You're going full Nixon. 181 00:09:13,251 --> 00:09:14,876 Oh, you think that's funny, huh? 182 00:09:14,959 --> 00:09:16,543 -You are fired! -What? 183 00:09:16,626 --> 00:09:18,251 You can't fire Mothman! 184 00:09:18,334 --> 00:09:19,918 Addiction is a disease. 185 00:09:20,001 --> 00:09:23,418 It's time we had a discourse about neurotypical ableism! 186 00:09:23,501 --> 00:09:27,043 I don't understand your old-timey lingo, Grandpa! You're fired! 187 00:09:27,126 --> 00:09:28,751 We'll take this to HR! 188 00:09:28,834 --> 00:09:30,251 You're all fired! 189 00:09:30,334 --> 00:09:32,876 Except you, DupliKate, you've been crushing it lately. 190 00:09:38,668 --> 00:09:42,126 How? I was facing the door the whole time! 191 00:09:42,626 --> 00:09:43,459 Unless… 192 00:09:49,876 --> 00:09:53,168 The shit's coming from inside the house? 193 00:09:53,959 --> 00:09:55,501 Myc, Myc, Myc! 194 00:09:55,584 --> 00:09:58,918 Yes! Yearbook signatures! 195 00:09:59,001 --> 00:10:01,834 Anybody else notice everything started glowing a little bit? 196 00:10:02,334 --> 00:10:04,751 -Why can I taste my own teeth? 197 00:10:07,501 --> 00:10:10,001 let's all take a moment to reminisce 198 00:10:10,084 --> 00:10:13,793 and give a grand welcome home to Myc Cellium. 199 00:10:14,376 --> 00:10:15,709 Me? 200 00:10:15,793 --> 00:10:18,626 Young Myc had a hard time fitting in. 201 00:10:18,709 --> 00:10:20,834 Goku goes Super Saiyan 202 00:10:20,918 --> 00:10:25,459 in the 21st episode of the Frieza Saga of Dragon Ball Z. 203 00:10:25,959 --> 00:10:29,334 Hey, you're being a real fucking Frieza right now. 204 00:10:29,418 --> 00:10:33,001 His strong psychic powers made him extra sensitive. 205 00:10:33,084 --> 00:10:34,043 I know I'm weird, 206 00:10:34,126 --> 00:10:37,793 but even when they act nice, I can hear what they're really thinking. 207 00:10:37,876 --> 00:10:40,168 Does anybody actually like me? 208 00:10:40,251 --> 00:10:42,459 Well, I care about you, Myc. 209 00:10:43,876 --> 00:10:47,293 You think I'm a loser and you're picturing your wife naked right now. 210 00:10:47,376 --> 00:10:52,709 At graduation, Myc was the only one who refused to merge with our hive 211 00:10:52,793 --> 00:10:57,084 but seeing you with your subservient human cluster, 212 00:11:01,918 --> 00:11:04,668 Social validation! Fuck yeah! 213 00:11:04,751 --> 00:11:06,334 Crawl me to stage! 214 00:11:07,626 --> 00:11:12,126 Myc, Myc, Myc, Myc, Myc, Myc, Myc, Myc, Myc, Myc! 215 00:11:14,168 --> 00:11:15,834 Oh, man. This is heavy. 216 00:11:15,918 --> 00:11:19,168 Good thing I have my human cluster here to carry it home. 217 00:11:19,251 --> 00:11:22,376 They're used to taking all my big loads. 218 00:11:22,459 --> 00:11:25,334 -New class clown right here! 219 00:11:25,418 --> 00:11:27,751 -Hey, Loud One! Come here. 220 00:11:27,834 --> 00:11:31,126 Put this somewhere safe for me. This one's a little clumsy. 221 00:11:31,209 --> 00:11:34,668 She's got a bit of a "glug glug" problem if you know what I mean. 222 00:11:35,793 --> 00:11:38,126 You know what? Hold your own goddamn award. 223 00:11:38,709 --> 00:11:42,251 -What are you doing? -We help you and this is how you repay us? 224 00:11:42,334 --> 00:11:43,376 Not now! 225 00:11:43,459 --> 00:11:47,876 She's just testy because it took her ten years to get her dream job 226 00:11:47,959 --> 00:11:50,834 and four hours to literally tank it with sharks. 227 00:11:50,918 --> 00:11:53,876 That's it! Myc has been lying this whole time. 228 00:11:53,959 --> 00:11:57,126 We are not his cluster! We're not even his friends. 229 00:11:57,209 --> 00:12:00,918 He works for us at the shadow government where we only tolerate him 230 00:12:01,001 --> 00:12:02,918 because we need his psychic goo. 231 00:12:03,001 --> 00:12:05,959 And we have never willingly hung out with him after work! 232 00:12:06,043 --> 00:12:08,001 -She's kidding, folks. 233 00:12:08,084 --> 00:12:10,043 -Oh, I'm not kidding! 234 00:12:10,126 --> 00:12:14,459 Just one of our freaky sex games. They love to please Daddy. 235 00:12:14,543 --> 00:12:15,793 No, we don't. 236 00:12:15,876 --> 00:12:17,584 Yes, you do! 237 00:12:17,668 --> 00:12:19,834 No, we don't! 238 00:12:29,501 --> 00:12:31,459 I'm sorry, Reagan. 239 00:12:31,543 --> 00:12:34,084 You were right to punch me off stage. 240 00:12:34,168 --> 00:12:37,834 Will you accept my heartfelt apology? 241 00:12:37,918 --> 00:12:40,543 W-What has gotten into you, Myc? 242 00:12:40,626 --> 00:12:44,126 Oh, I'm not Myc. I'm the hive. 243 00:12:45,209 --> 00:12:48,793 Oh my God. I just accidentally assimilated Myc? 244 00:12:49,334 --> 00:12:50,793 We merged! 245 00:12:50,876 --> 00:12:54,376 Hive to the left! Hive to the right! 246 00:12:54,459 --> 00:12:58,668 Eh, I feel so at ease, soldier. 247 00:12:58,751 --> 00:13:02,543 Probably because the margarita I gave you was spiked with magic mushrooms! 248 00:13:02,626 --> 00:13:04,793 Welcome to the new you, baby! 249 00:13:04,876 --> 00:13:06,043 You drugged me? 250 00:13:06,126 --> 00:13:10,126 I would kill you if death wasn't just a continuum of life! 251 00:13:10,209 --> 00:13:11,043 Wait, what? 252 00:13:11,126 --> 00:13:14,543 Get ready to drop napalm on your preconceived notions! 253 00:13:14,626 --> 00:13:15,793 I'm not a hippie! 254 00:13:15,876 --> 00:13:18,543 It's medically impossible for me to flash a peace sign. 255 00:13:19,043 --> 00:13:20,626 Okay. How about this? 256 00:13:20,709 --> 00:13:24,543 The Entourage movie should be in the Criterion Collection. 257 00:13:25,126 --> 00:13:26,251 I agree. 258 00:13:27,418 --> 00:13:30,043 What's going on? Why isn't he verbally abusing me? 259 00:13:30,126 --> 00:13:32,334 When Myc got tangled up with the other mushrooms, 260 00:13:32,418 --> 00:13:35,043 he must have psychically re-communed with the hive mind. 261 00:13:35,126 --> 00:13:38,418 He got accepted by the hive and we got a nicer Myc. 262 00:13:38,501 --> 00:13:39,584 I'm calling this a win-win. 263 00:13:39,668 --> 00:13:42,334 Hell yeah. I have to spend years brainwashing people 264 00:13:42,418 --> 00:13:44,876 and you just did it in ten seconds. 265 00:13:44,959 --> 00:13:47,626 I was thinking I can make you all a little thank-you dinner 266 00:13:47,709 --> 00:13:49,001 at my town house tonight. 267 00:13:49,084 --> 00:13:51,918 We can watch old episodes of Sex and the City, 268 00:13:52,001 --> 00:13:53,751 like a bunch of gal pals. 269 00:13:55,126 --> 00:13:59,126 Well, normally I would say, "What type of pepper spray do you prefer?" 270 00:13:59,209 --> 00:14:03,084 But to the new, improved Myc, the pepper spray stays in my purse. 271 00:14:04,334 --> 00:14:06,293 All right, got my rearview mirror, 272 00:14:06,376 --> 00:14:08,918 rattling cans, so no one can sneak up on me, 273 00:14:09,001 --> 00:14:10,834 and my lie detector. 274 00:14:12,043 --> 00:14:14,209 Time for Operation Sane! 275 00:14:15,168 --> 00:14:16,834 We'll see who's paranoid now. 276 00:14:17,793 --> 00:14:19,459 Here, shitty shitty kitty. 277 00:14:20,668 --> 00:14:24,459 Meanwhile, uptown, I was having sex in the city. 278 00:14:24,543 --> 00:14:25,584 Oh! 279 00:14:25,668 --> 00:14:28,709 This show is so smart. I'm such a Samantha, don't you think? 280 00:14:28,793 --> 00:14:31,418 Mainly because all my orifices are interchangeable. 281 00:14:32,584 --> 00:14:33,543 Cheers. 282 00:14:34,584 --> 00:14:37,168 Normally, I'd pour this into a plant to see if it dies, 283 00:14:37,251 --> 00:14:39,751 but you're being weirdly tolerable right now. 284 00:14:39,834 --> 00:14:42,043 Too bad Glenn and Andre couldn't make it. 285 00:14:42,126 --> 00:14:43,543 Wait, did they come home with us? 286 00:14:43,626 --> 00:14:48,376 Who cares? More cosmos for Gigi, and less glowsticks and fish odor. 287 00:14:48,459 --> 00:14:51,168 I'm sure wherever they are, they're safe. 288 00:14:51,251 --> 00:14:54,334 This is a safe place. 289 00:14:54,418 --> 00:14:58,251 America isn't real. America isn't real! 290 00:14:58,334 --> 00:15:00,751 Dude, that's crazy open-minded. 291 00:15:00,834 --> 00:15:02,543 Do you want to touch feet to feet? 292 00:15:02,626 --> 00:15:07,126 What kind of crazy jagoff would I have to be to not do that? 293 00:15:07,209 --> 00:15:09,709 Whoa! 294 00:15:09,793 --> 00:15:11,418 Oh, you were right, Andre. 295 00:15:11,501 --> 00:15:14,043 I'm one with all living creatures, 296 00:15:14,126 --> 00:15:15,334 even liberals! 297 00:15:15,418 --> 00:15:17,668 We should be writing all of this down. 298 00:15:17,751 --> 00:15:20,376 Look, a whole wall just for drawing on! 299 00:15:25,209 --> 00:15:28,376 Glenn, your inner beauty is astonishing! 300 00:15:28,459 --> 00:15:32,126 I'm having a vision too. And it's in British! 301 00:15:32,209 --> 00:15:36,293 I'm David Attenborough, and you are tripping balls. 302 00:15:36,376 --> 00:15:40,043 The mushroom hive is a species of psychic fungoides 303 00:15:40,126 --> 00:15:44,001 that came to Earth on an asteroid millions of years ago. 304 00:15:44,584 --> 00:15:45,959 The mushrooms flourished, 305 00:15:46,043 --> 00:15:48,543 but then an early ape devoured one 306 00:15:48,626 --> 00:15:53,376 and the mushroom's psychoactive properties unlocked its higher consciousness. 307 00:15:53,459 --> 00:15:58,709 Now evolved, these stoned apes became Earth's dominant species 308 00:15:58,793 --> 00:16:01,501 and the mushroom's dominant predator. 309 00:16:01,584 --> 00:16:05,209 My God. Everyone's college roommate was right! 310 00:16:05,293 --> 00:16:08,001 The mushrooms were forced underground, resentful, 311 00:16:08,084 --> 00:16:12,543 and dreaming of one day rising up to overthrow humanity. 312 00:16:14,293 --> 00:16:15,751 Wait, what was that last part? 313 00:16:15,834 --> 00:16:17,876 We don't exist in peace and harmony. 314 00:16:17,959 --> 00:16:20,168 We're at war with underground mushrooms! 315 00:16:20,793 --> 00:16:22,793 I should have trusted my gut! 316 00:16:22,876 --> 00:16:25,418 Ooh, my gut. I've been infiltrated! 317 00:16:25,501 --> 00:16:26,793 We gotta warn the team! 318 00:16:26,876 --> 00:16:28,668 Quick! I need to puke this out! 319 00:16:28,751 --> 00:16:29,584 Me first! 320 00:16:32,251 --> 00:16:33,459 This is so nice. 321 00:16:33,543 --> 00:16:35,626 I know you and I haven't always gotten along, 322 00:16:35,709 --> 00:16:37,293 but it all worked out in the end. 323 00:16:37,376 --> 00:16:41,001 It all worked out in the end, but I couldn't help wondering 324 00:16:41,543 --> 00:16:43,751 what if this was all a hallucination? 325 00:16:43,834 --> 00:16:46,001 Reagan, you need to wake up. 326 00:16:46,084 --> 00:16:49,001 Wake up, Reagan! 327 00:16:49,084 --> 00:16:49,959 Huh? 328 00:16:50,043 --> 00:16:52,751 Wait a minute. How did we get back from Oregon? 329 00:16:52,834 --> 00:16:54,793 Oh, God. What is happening? 330 00:16:54,876 --> 00:16:58,668 Fight it. Fight like a pair of Manolos just went on sale! 331 00:16:59,251 --> 00:17:00,668 Brett, what are you doing? 332 00:17:00,751 --> 00:17:03,293 Myc has a climbing wall in his kitchen! 333 00:17:03,376 --> 00:17:04,876 It's too good to be true! 334 00:17:04,959 --> 00:17:08,168 Exactly. We're not in Myc's tastefully-decorated town house. 335 00:17:08,251 --> 00:17:10,168 We're still in the mushroom hive! 336 00:17:10,918 --> 00:17:12,418 -Gigi, Brett! 337 00:17:12,501 --> 00:17:14,918 Oh, goddamn it! I knew it! 338 00:17:15,001 --> 00:17:18,043 There's no way Myc's bookshelf would have the complete works of bell hooks. 339 00:17:18,126 --> 00:17:21,293 Do not be alarmed. We put you in a shared fantasy 340 00:17:21,376 --> 00:17:24,043 to make the sporing process more painless. 341 00:17:24,126 --> 00:17:27,376 Hey, girl, another cosmo? 342 00:17:27,459 --> 00:17:29,126 Myc! How could you? 343 00:17:29,209 --> 00:17:31,459 And just when I got my adult acne under control! 344 00:17:31,543 --> 00:17:35,709 But now the team can be in perfect harmony, just like you wanted. 345 00:17:35,793 --> 00:17:38,168 Myc's attached us to your minds. 346 00:17:38,251 --> 00:17:40,793 We will learn all humanity's weaknesses 347 00:17:40,876 --> 00:17:44,376 and then we will achieve our destiny. 348 00:17:44,459 --> 00:17:46,501 Overthrowing the Earth! 349 00:17:47,751 --> 00:17:51,376 Oh, Reagan, don't be such a Miranda about it. 350 00:18:02,376 --> 00:18:06,418 Roach caviar, rat tartar, boiled Gucci loafer soup? 351 00:18:06,501 --> 00:18:08,709 -No, it can't be! 352 00:18:09,793 --> 00:18:10,918 Hello, Rand. 353 00:18:11,501 --> 00:18:13,501 -Agh! -J.R. Scheimpough! 354 00:18:13,584 --> 00:18:14,668 Of course! 355 00:18:14,751 --> 00:18:16,584 Now who's a paranoid lunatic? 356 00:18:17,543 --> 00:18:20,918 -Both of us. We both look fucking nuts. -Wasn't gonna say anything unless you did. 357 00:18:24,793 --> 00:18:26,668 We have to get the hell outta Dodge! 358 00:18:26,751 --> 00:18:30,376 The hive is gonna take over Earth by implanting mushrooms in our brains 359 00:18:30,459 --> 00:18:33,376 and I guess you figured that out without drugs. 360 00:18:33,459 --> 00:18:35,001 We gotta save Brett's face. 361 00:18:35,084 --> 00:18:37,626 -He's too old to develop a sense of humor. 362 00:18:37,709 --> 00:18:40,209 All I wanted was for Myc to be nice. 363 00:18:40,293 --> 00:18:43,293 Yeah, he went from being a fun asshole 364 00:18:43,376 --> 00:18:46,334 to a crazy, religious, totalitarian, like Kanye. 365 00:18:46,418 --> 00:18:49,793 I miss the old Myc. He roasted us out of love. 366 00:18:49,876 --> 00:18:51,001 And out of hate. 367 00:18:51,084 --> 00:18:53,501 What I'd give to be roasted one last time. 368 00:18:53,584 --> 00:18:55,543 Wait, that's it. A roast! 369 00:18:55,626 --> 00:18:57,876 I think I know how to get Myc back. 370 00:18:59,293 --> 00:19:01,626 J.R., what the hell are you doing here? 371 00:19:01,709 --> 00:19:04,084 -I don't think we should tell him, Polly. -Polly? 372 00:19:04,168 --> 00:19:06,876 Yes, keep your secrets, J.R. 373 00:19:06,959 --> 00:19:08,001 Jesus Christ. 374 00:19:08,084 --> 00:19:09,751 After I escaped Bohemian Grove, 375 00:19:09,834 --> 00:19:13,501 I made my way to my mansion in Georgetown, but the Robes had it torn down! 376 00:19:13,584 --> 00:19:14,418 I was erased! 377 00:19:14,501 --> 00:19:15,584 Good God! 378 00:19:15,668 --> 00:19:17,876 I knew the Robes would have eyes everywhere, 379 00:19:17,959 --> 00:19:19,584 but if you got drunk with power, 380 00:19:19,668 --> 00:19:22,876 you'd rip out all their surveillance devices at Cognito. 381 00:19:22,959 --> 00:19:24,334 And if they can't see you-- 382 00:19:24,418 --> 00:19:25,793 They can't see you either. 383 00:19:25,876 --> 00:19:27,668 Damn, and they call me paranoid! 384 00:19:27,751 --> 00:19:30,209 You'd be crazy not to be paranoid in a place like this. 385 00:19:30,293 --> 00:19:31,668 Everyone is out to get you. 386 00:19:31,751 --> 00:19:33,751 Oh, fucking thank you. 387 00:19:33,834 --> 00:19:35,168 Wait, shut the hell up. 388 00:19:35,251 --> 00:19:37,543 I'm only here because you've been shitting on my desk. 389 00:19:37,626 --> 00:19:39,084 I've only been shitting on your desk 390 00:19:39,168 --> 00:19:41,126 because you people took everything from me! 391 00:19:41,209 --> 00:19:42,709 Fuck you, fuckface! 392 00:19:44,251 --> 00:19:45,834 Wait, did you hear something? 393 00:19:49,251 --> 00:19:50,376 Son of a bitch. 394 00:19:50,959 --> 00:19:53,168 A hidden surveillance device. 395 00:19:53,251 --> 00:19:55,876 Who wants some fucking dirt to eat? 396 00:19:55,959 --> 00:19:58,584 I'm still being nice. I like dirt. 397 00:19:58,668 --> 00:20:00,751 Myc, we need the old you back. 398 00:20:00,834 --> 00:20:03,293 The raging asshole that I know is in there somewhere, 399 00:20:03,376 --> 00:20:05,126 and I know how to find him. 400 00:20:05,209 --> 00:20:07,709 Prepare to be roasted! 401 00:20:07,793 --> 00:20:09,251 I'm confused. 402 00:20:09,334 --> 00:20:12,376 Not as confused as the audience at your poetry night. 403 00:20:12,459 --> 00:20:16,584 It's strange that you can read minds, but you've never read a single room. 404 00:20:17,834 --> 00:20:19,668 You weren't at my poetry night. 405 00:20:19,751 --> 00:20:23,001 For real though, me and Myc had some good times. 406 00:20:23,084 --> 00:20:26,418 Like when I blocked your phone number and went home and took my shoes off. 407 00:20:28,293 --> 00:20:31,418 You think if you insult me it will bring out the old Myc. 408 00:20:31,501 --> 00:20:32,876 Well, it's not happening. 409 00:20:32,959 --> 00:20:34,668 I once caught Myc in the break room, 410 00:20:34,751 --> 00:20:38,251 jacking off to the photo on a box of frozen mushroom calzones. 411 00:20:38,334 --> 00:20:40,001 Thank you. That is my time. 412 00:20:40,084 --> 00:20:41,834 I was reading the nutritional facts! 413 00:20:41,918 --> 00:20:44,084 Myc, you don't have a shred of moral character 414 00:20:44,168 --> 00:20:48,293 and I hate the way you smell, look, and generally exist! 415 00:20:48,376 --> 00:20:49,584 When does the roast start? 416 00:20:49,668 --> 00:20:52,709 Stop it, stop it! Oh, God! 417 00:20:52,793 --> 00:20:58,084 But seriously, I love having Myc around as our wacky alien sidekick. 418 00:20:58,168 --> 00:21:00,334 You know, he's basically our group's-- 419 00:21:00,418 --> 00:21:02,293 Don't say it! 420 00:21:02,376 --> 00:21:03,418 Finish him, Brett! 421 00:21:03,501 --> 00:21:06,876 …Jar Jar Binks. 422 00:21:08,834 --> 00:21:10,501 Oh yeah, Brett? 423 00:21:10,584 --> 00:21:14,584 The last time I saw a white guy that generic, he was on a Don't Walk sign. 424 00:21:14,668 --> 00:21:16,084 And you think I'm ugly, Glenn? 425 00:21:16,168 --> 00:21:19,834 Your face looks like a neural network combined a hundred images of testicles. 426 00:21:19,918 --> 00:21:23,209 And, Andre, here's an opinion on your personality. 427 00:21:23,293 --> 00:21:25,209 You can't medicate boring! 428 00:21:25,293 --> 00:21:26,626 And Gigi! 429 00:21:27,126 --> 00:21:28,293 You're still hot. 430 00:21:28,376 --> 00:21:30,043 As for you, Reagan! 431 00:21:32,126 --> 00:21:34,668 Yeah, what about me, Myc? Ruin me! 432 00:21:34,751 --> 00:21:38,543 Even God himself couldn't ruin you more! 433 00:21:38,626 --> 00:21:41,709 Old Myc is back, bitches! 434 00:21:41,793 --> 00:21:43,918 Fuck you. And fuck you. 435 00:21:44,001 --> 00:21:47,876 And fuck all of you fuckers! 436 00:21:49,209 --> 00:21:53,376 But, Myc, you can have eternal companionship in the hive. 437 00:21:53,459 --> 00:21:56,168 Why would you choose to leave with a team you hate? 438 00:21:56,668 --> 00:21:59,084 Because I don't hate my team. 439 00:21:59,876 --> 00:22:03,126 And unlike you, they don't think I need to change. 440 00:22:03,209 --> 00:22:06,709 You're a bunch of stuck-up dicks who peaked in hive school, 441 00:22:06,793 --> 00:22:10,709 and the only interesting thing that will ever happen to you was meeting me! 442 00:22:10,793 --> 00:22:13,459 I'm done trying to be like you. 443 00:22:13,543 --> 00:22:16,251 It's time for you to get a load of me! 444 00:22:17,376 --> 00:22:18,209 What is happening? 445 00:22:24,376 --> 00:22:25,668 What you looking at? 446 00:22:25,751 --> 00:22:28,376 I don't know. Did Jackson Pollock ever paint with vomit? 447 00:22:28,459 --> 00:22:30,543 You all just see me as an object! 448 00:22:30,626 --> 00:22:33,001 Well, suck my stem, assholes! 449 00:22:33,084 --> 00:22:35,376 I have a degree in communications! 450 00:22:36,001 --> 00:22:39,084 Myc, instead of the hive taking over your personality, 451 00:22:39,168 --> 00:22:40,501 you took over theirs, 452 00:22:40,584 --> 00:22:41,918 and now they fucking suck! 453 00:22:42,001 --> 00:22:43,959 Sorry, that came out wrong. 454 00:22:44,043 --> 00:22:47,084 You don't actually suck. You're an acquired taste. 455 00:22:47,168 --> 00:22:51,293 Don't worry. I'm picking up what your feeble brain is laying down. 456 00:22:53,084 --> 00:22:55,084 Jesus, I guess the hive is gone forever. 457 00:22:55,668 --> 00:22:58,418 Nah, I got my hive right here. 458 00:22:58,501 --> 00:23:00,501 I've got hives from being here! 459 00:23:00,584 --> 00:23:01,626 Eurgh! 460 00:23:03,084 --> 00:23:06,709 The Robes have bugs disguised as actual bugs. 461 00:23:06,793 --> 00:23:09,668 Have to admit, if not for your revenge shits, 462 00:23:09,751 --> 00:23:12,668 I never would've found the real spies. Drink? 463 00:23:12,751 --> 00:23:15,751 Brandy not made of my own urine? How can I say no? 464 00:23:15,834 --> 00:23:18,293 How would you like a job debugging this place? 465 00:23:18,376 --> 00:23:21,043 And in return, I won't turn you in to the Robes. 466 00:23:21,126 --> 00:23:25,334 Yes. I'm thinking co-CEO, full salary, private jet. 467 00:23:25,418 --> 00:23:28,418 How about unpaid intern and I get to call you "Spanky"? 468 00:23:28,501 --> 00:23:29,334 Deal! 469 00:23:32,293 --> 00:23:38,084 Andre, I'm sorry for judging your commie, hippie, junkie, pinko, pansexual, 470 00:23:38,168 --> 00:23:40,001 ambiguously ethnic lifestyle. 471 00:23:40,084 --> 00:23:43,668 No, Glenn. Almost dying with you in a mushroom hole made me realize 472 00:23:43,751 --> 00:23:45,751 I was the one judging you. 473 00:23:45,834 --> 00:23:47,793 Also, sorry for drugging you. 474 00:23:47,876 --> 00:23:52,209 After what we experienced, I'm proud to not feel my face when I'm with you. 475 00:23:52,293 --> 00:23:55,334 And I'm proud to call you a… client? 476 00:23:55,418 --> 00:23:57,043 You take traveler's checks? 477 00:23:59,876 --> 00:24:02,084 -There you go. -Thanks for doing this, guys. 478 00:24:02,168 --> 00:24:03,543 We're happy to have you back. 479 00:24:03,626 --> 00:24:06,543 Me too. Ever since you helped me break from the hive, 480 00:24:06,626 --> 00:24:08,876 I'm really ready to embrace the new me. 481 00:24:08,959 --> 00:24:11,209 Oh, Gigi's proud of you, honey. 482 00:24:11,293 --> 00:24:13,834 Hello. Welcome to Fresh Dirt. 483 00:24:13,918 --> 00:24:17,293 My guests this week are genius robotics expert Reagan Ridley 484 00:24:17,376 --> 00:24:20,834 and master media manipulator Gigi Thompson. Welcome. 485 00:24:20,918 --> 00:24:22,168 -Hi there. -Pleasure to be here. 486 00:24:22,251 --> 00:24:25,293 My first question is this, you guys ever make out? 487 00:24:25,376 --> 00:24:26,334 Excuse me? 488 00:24:26,418 --> 00:24:29,543 After work, you have a few too many Mich Ultras, 489 00:24:29,626 --> 00:24:32,459 a hand ends up on somebody's thigh. 490 00:24:32,543 --> 00:24:34,959 -That took all of, what, five seconds? -I'm out. 491 00:24:35,043 --> 00:24:38,001 Get used to it, baby! It's called journalism! 492 00:24:38,668 --> 00:24:41,251 Fresh Dirt is brought to you by Blue Apron. 493 00:24:41,334 --> 00:24:45,043 Do you only care about the environment if it's super convenient? 494 00:25:13,126 --> 00:25:17,043 Subtitle translation by: