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A NETFLIX SERIES
2
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All clear! Time for our annual secret
revising of the Constitution.
3
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Don't forget the amendment
about moving the Capitol to Cleveland.
4
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There's no decent pierogies here.
5
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[sighs]
6
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How would the Founding Fathers
feel about this?
7
00:00:30,084 --> 00:00:32,959
[Myc] Probably the same way
your father feels about you.
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-Hey!
-Who cares? Ten of them were slaveholders.
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And George Washington was actually
just a bunch of gerbils under a waistcoat.
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[grunts]
That's President Pile of Gerbils to you.
11
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Andre, what's our timeframe?
12
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Twenty minutes. I used a cocktail
of NyQuil and cat Prozac.
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[Myc] Oh, great.
Dr. Literal Dolittle has it covered.
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Shut up, Myc.
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Just ignore him. Okay, give the word
and I'll blow the hell out of this thing.
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[Myc] Said your ex-wife to Brett's dick.
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I'll kill you!
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Will you can the insults, Myc?
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I need you to contort
that squishy-ass body through those lasers
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before you screw up this mission for us.
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[Myc] I thought failing
was kind of more your thing.
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Aliens? A woman in charge of a team?
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No one will believe this!
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Myc, quick! Spurt on that guy!
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[Myc] I'm not a soft serve machine.
I need to warm up.
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Hold on. Just give me a sec here,
all right?
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-Hey, nobody look at me!
-Goddamn it!
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[PA system] Security breach.
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Now the mission is fucked!
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You useless waste of space!
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Your shit attitude blew our mission!
32
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We had to disappear that security guard!
33
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And now I have to raise his tropical fish.
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Give me one reason
why I shouldn't fire you.
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[Myc] I… I…
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Oh God! [sobs]
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Okay. I was not ready for that.
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Whoa, whoa, buddy, what's wrong?
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I'm from a million-year-old
mushroom hive cluster
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who live in the center of Earth.
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Those stuck-up, under-crust douchebags
live in perfect harmony
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and kicked me out
because I'm too much of a rebel.
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You told me you left because everybody
was jealous of your "huge dong."
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[Myc] All lies! My dong is average.
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Average!
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So you're acting up
because of your reunion?
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[Myc] How can I go back?
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When I left, I wanted
to prove I could be somebody,
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but I'm a single, middle-aged loser
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playing second fiddle
to a bunch of Men in Black rejects.
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Why don't you just lie?
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My hometown
thinks I created Grey's Anatomy.
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[Myc] I'll still be single.
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In hive culture, you are nothing
without a cluster.
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Ooh, ooh, Brett idea incoming!
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We go to your reunion with you
and pose as your cluster!
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[all groan]
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Also, what is a cluster?
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It's some kind of
freaky mushroom mind marriage.
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It's a psychic union, where everyone
thinks the same and acts the same,
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like fucking Marvel fans.
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One sec, Myc. I don't want to do this
any more than you do,
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but with Myc in this state, we'll never
be able to complete our missions.
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Look at him! He can't
make Mind Eraser Juice like this.
65
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And we can stop at Cracker Barrel
on the way home.
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Now I can get down
with some Cracker Barrel.
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Okay, Myc,
we'll pretend to be your cluster
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if you promise to never insult us again.
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[all gasp]
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[Myc] My insults are my art!
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But I can't let those shitheads in my hive
see me like this.
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[suspenseful music plays]
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Okay, deal.
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[chuckles] Thank you, Reagan!
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Fuck! What are you excreting?
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[Myc] Sorta mucus, sorta jizz.
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I call it "jucus."
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Group hug! Who wants to touch my jucus?
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Ugh!
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-I'm already regretting this.
-Yay!
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[upbeat music plays]
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Gear up. It's a six-mile spelunk
down to Myc's hive.
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[Myc sighs] 5,000 years
and I still don't have a thing to wear.
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You're normally naked.
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I need the team back here
for a priority code red.
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Someone took a shit on my desk!
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-Bleugh.
-I think we have a spy.
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Why would a spy shit on your desk?
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[Rand] I don't know.
Psychological warfare?
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They're out to get me, Reagan!
Someone hates that I'm in charge.
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Everyone hates that you're in charge,
but you're still being paranoid.
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Paranoid?
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Do you have any idea
how many enemies I've made?
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They're everywhere, watching.
95
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We're in Oregon right now.
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So unless you can teleport us there,
you're on your own.
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I would, but the teleporter
keeps blinking twelve o'clock,
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and I can't figure out
which remote fixes that.
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Ah, shit! I'll show them who's paranoid.
100
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I'll catch the mystery shitter
and then we'll see who's right
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about getting a sniper team
to cover the sniper team. Hm.
102
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But then who will
snipe the sniper snipers?
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Sniper sniper snipers?
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Brilliant!
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You're fired for eavesdropping.
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[Myc] We're almost to my hive school.
Remember the story.
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We are your loyal cluster.
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[Myc] Cluster harem. Say harem.
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[all] Harem.
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And you're a respected
leftist podcast host?
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[Myc] That's right.
I won the Nobel Prize for podcasting.
112
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Suck it, Roman Mars! [laughs]
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I don't even think he's from Mars.
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[mystical music plays]
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Myc Cellium.
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[mushroom] Welcome, brother.
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[Myc] Do me a favor.
My cluster is kinda human.
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Could we slap a psychic metaphor
over this place
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so we don't break their tiny brains?
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-What did I say about insults?
-[Myc] Jesus! It's not an insult.
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There's visual information down here
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that will literally drive you insane,
you fucking… friend! [chuckles]
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[mushroom] Glamour in the form
of a human high school reunion.
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[mushroom hive] As you wish!
125
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Ooh, add Romy and Michele.
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[mushroom sighs]
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Uh, Lisa Kudrow? Absolutely would.
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[Myc] Thanks, Chief.
129
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What are you so happy about?
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We're in a fucking slime cave!
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This is the cave where all the world's
magic mushrooms originally come from!
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Well, keep that dope away from me.
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I've been mushroom-free my entire life.
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You've never tried mushrooms?
135
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Hell no! I'm a law-abiding American.
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I only take caffeine, alcohol, nicotine,
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and the occasional Oxyfentanyl blend
to help me sleep.
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[sighs] Glenn, I think
you have clinical repression.
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Say what now?
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I used to be like you.
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Look at this guy.
I didn't get laid until I was 23.
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I just prayed and watched
Star Trek: Voyager for nine hours a day.
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Mushrooms helped me break free.
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Life is so much better
when you open up to new things.
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Didn't you read Green Eggs and Ham?
146
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I read the cover and decided not to try it
because I didn't like it.
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At least have a drink with me.
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Hm. All right.
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[ominous music plays]
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[Myc] How's my breath? I need to be
in peak form in case I run into…
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[gasps] …Stem-mantha.
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[magical music plays]
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[Myc] She's the one that got away.
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Into a sulfur geyser.
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[laughs]
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Oh, Stem-mantha, look at us,
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drawn to each other like magnets.
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[Stem-mantha] Wait, were you the one who
came over and did puzzles with my parents
159
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so I could go have sex?
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[Myc] Uh… [chuckles] Well, I--
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-[mushroom] Go long!
-[Myc grunts]
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[football mushroom] Myc Cellium?
163
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I haven't seen him
since he ran out of graduation
164
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before we all merged our consciousnesses.
165
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[mushroom hive] Merged our consciousness.
166
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[Stem-mantha] For once, you're not alone.
I assume these are your parole officers?
167
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Nope. We're his cluster.
168
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We are so in sync, it's crazy.
169
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-Weird as hell.
-Awesome!
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[Myc] She means non-stop erotic.
171
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-[mushroom 1] Merged with humans?
-[mushroom 2] Is that Myc Cellium?
172
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That's right. I, Myc,
the guy you all said has no friends,
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now has a loyal cluster
of kick-ass human wives.
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Also, he's Facebook friends
with Judd Apatow.
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And he invented electricity.
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[mushroom hive] Oh, wow!
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[Myc] Quick! Assemble into a human throne.
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Hey, we had a deal.
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[Myc] It's all part of the act.
Love ya. Appreciate ya.
180
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Right, my little sex monkeys? [chuckles]
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[humans groan]
182
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[Stem-mantha] Wow, it might just be
the dim cave lighting,
183
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but you've had a serious glow-up.
184
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-[Myc laughs]
-[mushroom hive] Ooh, wow.
185
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[suspenseful music plays]
186
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-Which one of you did it?
-Did what?
187
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Don't act like you don't know.
188
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Okay, okay! I've been stealing lamps
from the office.
189
00:08:59,418 --> 00:09:01,084
I have a problem!
190
00:09:01,626 --> 00:09:04,459
No one gives a shit
about your lamp addiction, Mothman.
191
00:09:04,543 --> 00:09:08,251
I want to know which one of you spies
shit on my desk!
192
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[laughter]
193
00:09:10,501 --> 00:09:13,168
-What is he talking about?
-You're going full Nixon.
194
00:09:13,251 --> 00:09:14,876
Oh, you think that's funny, huh?
195
00:09:14,959 --> 00:09:16,543
-You are fired!
-[Mothman] What?
196
00:09:16,626 --> 00:09:18,251
You can't fire Mothman!
197
00:09:18,334 --> 00:09:19,918
Addiction is a disease.
198
00:09:20,001 --> 00:09:23,418
It's time we had a discourse
about neurotypical ableism!
199
00:09:23,501 --> 00:09:27,043
I don't understand your old-timey lingo,
Grandpa! You're fired!
200
00:09:27,126 --> 00:09:28,751
[Grassy Noel] We'll take this to HR!
201
00:09:28,834 --> 00:09:30,251
You're all fired!
202
00:09:30,334 --> 00:09:32,876
Except you, DupliKate,
you've been crushing it lately.
203
00:09:37,168 --> 00:09:38,001
[sniffs]
204
00:09:38,668 --> 00:09:42,126
[gasps] How?
I was facing the door the whole time!
205
00:09:42,626 --> 00:09:43,459
Unless…
206
00:09:44,668 --> 00:09:46,584
[suspenseful music plays]
207
00:09:49,876 --> 00:09:53,168
[gasps] The shit's coming
from inside the house?
208
00:09:53,959 --> 00:09:55,501
[mushroom hive chanting] Myc, Myc, Myc!
209
00:09:55,584 --> 00:09:58,918
[Myc] Yes! Yearbook signatures!
210
00:09:59,001 --> 00:10:01,834
Anybody else notice everything
started glowing a little bit?
211
00:10:02,334 --> 00:10:04,751
-Why can I taste my own teeth?
-[groans]
212
00:10:07,501 --> 00:10:10,001
let's all take a moment to reminisce
213
00:10:10,084 --> 00:10:13,793
and give a grand welcome home
to Myc Cellium.
214
00:10:14,376 --> 00:10:15,709
[Myc gasps] Me?
215
00:10:15,793 --> 00:10:18,626
[teacher] Young Myc
had a hard time fitting in.
216
00:10:18,709 --> 00:10:20,834
[Myc] Goku goes Super Saiyan
217
00:10:20,918 --> 00:10:25,459
in the 21st episode of the Frieza Saga
of Dragon Ball Z. [grunts]
218
00:10:25,959 --> 00:10:29,334
Hey, you're being a real
fucking Frieza right now.
219
00:10:29,418 --> 00:10:33,001
[teacher] His strong psychic powers
made him extra sensitive.
220
00:10:33,084 --> 00:10:34,043
[Myc] I know I'm weird,
221
00:10:34,126 --> 00:10:37,793
but even when they act nice,
I can hear what they're really thinking.
222
00:10:37,876 --> 00:10:40,168
Does anybody actually like me?
223
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[teacher] Well, I care about you, Myc.
224
00:10:42,959 --> 00:10:43,793
[Myc sighs]
225
00:10:43,876 --> 00:10:47,293
[Myc] You think I'm a loser and you're
picturing your wife naked right now.
226
00:10:47,376 --> 00:10:52,709
[teacher] At graduation, Myc was the only
one who refused to merge with our hive
227
00:10:52,793 --> 00:10:57,084
but seeing you
with your subservient human cluster,
228
00:11:01,918 --> 00:11:04,668
[Myc] Social validation! Fuck yeah!
229
00:11:04,751 --> 00:11:06,334
Crawl me to stage!
230
00:11:06,418 --> 00:11:07,543
[all groan]
231
00:11:07,626 --> 00:11:12,126
[mushroom hive chanting] Myc, Myc, Myc,
Myc, Myc, Myc, Myc, Myc, Myc, Myc!
232
00:11:12,209 --> 00:11:13,209
[loud smooch]
233
00:11:14,168 --> 00:11:15,834
[Myc] Oh, man. This is heavy.
234
00:11:15,918 --> 00:11:19,168
Good thing I have my human cluster here
to carry it home.
235
00:11:19,251 --> 00:11:22,376
They're used to taking all my big loads.
236
00:11:22,459 --> 00:11:25,334
-[laughter]
-[mushroom] New class clown right here!
237
00:11:25,418 --> 00:11:27,751
-[Myc] Hey, Loud One! Come here.
-[Reagan growls]
238
00:11:27,834 --> 00:11:31,126
[Myc] Put this somewhere safe for me.
This one's a little clumsy.
239
00:11:31,209 --> 00:11:34,668
She's got a bit of a "glug glug" problem
if you know what I mean.
240
00:11:34,751 --> 00:11:35,709
[mushroom hive laughing]
241
00:11:35,793 --> 00:11:38,126
You know what?
Hold your own goddamn award.
242
00:11:38,709 --> 00:11:42,251
-[Myc] What are you doing?
-We help you and this is how you repay us?
243
00:11:42,334 --> 00:11:43,376
[Myc] Not now!
244
00:11:43,459 --> 00:11:47,876
[laughs] She's just testy because
it took her ten years to get her dream job
245
00:11:47,959 --> 00:11:50,834
and four hours
to literally tank it with sharks.
246
00:11:50,918 --> 00:11:53,876
That's it! Myc has been
lying this whole time.
247
00:11:53,959 --> 00:11:57,126
We are not his cluster!
We're not even his friends.
248
00:11:57,209 --> 00:12:00,918
He works for us at the shadow government
where we only tolerate him
249
00:12:01,001 --> 00:12:02,918
because we need his psychic goo.
250
00:12:03,001 --> 00:12:05,959
And we have never willingly
hung out with him after work!
251
00:12:06,043 --> 00:12:08,001
-[mushroom hive gasps]
-[Myc] She's kidding, folks.
252
00:12:08,084 --> 00:12:10,043
-Oh, I'm not kidding!
-[mushroom hive gasps]
253
00:12:10,126 --> 00:12:14,459
[Myc] Just one of our freaky sex games.
They love to please Daddy. [chuckles]
254
00:12:14,543 --> 00:12:15,793
No, we don't.
255
00:12:15,876 --> 00:12:17,584
[Myc] Yes, you do!
256
00:12:17,668 --> 00:12:19,834
No, we don't! [grunts]
257
00:12:19,918 --> 00:12:20,751
[Myc grunts]
258
00:12:22,876 --> 00:12:24,626
[Myc yells]
259
00:12:24,709 --> 00:12:25,543
[all gasp]
260
00:12:25,626 --> 00:12:28,293
[squelching]
261
00:12:29,501 --> 00:12:31,459
[Myc, monotonously] I'm sorry, Reagan.
262
00:12:31,543 --> 00:12:34,084
You were right to punch me off stage.
263
00:12:34,168 --> 00:12:37,834
Will you accept my heartfelt apology?
264
00:12:37,918 --> 00:12:40,543
W-What has gotten into you, Myc?
265
00:12:40,626 --> 00:12:44,126
[Myc] Oh, I'm not Myc. I'm the hive.
266
00:12:44,209 --> 00:12:45,126
[gasping]
267
00:12:45,209 --> 00:12:48,793
Oh my God. I just accidentally
assimilated Myc?
268
00:12:49,334 --> 00:12:50,793
[Myc] We merged!
269
00:12:50,876 --> 00:12:54,376
[mushroom hive] Hive to the left!
Hive to the right!
270
00:12:54,459 --> 00:12:58,668
Eh, I feel so at ease, soldier.
271
00:12:58,751 --> 00:13:02,543
Probably because the margarita I gave you
was spiked with magic mushrooms!
272
00:13:02,626 --> 00:13:04,793
Welcome to the new you, baby!
273
00:13:04,876 --> 00:13:06,043
You drugged me?
274
00:13:06,126 --> 00:13:10,126
I would kill you
if death wasn't just a continuum of life!
275
00:13:10,209 --> 00:13:11,043
Wait, what?
276
00:13:11,126 --> 00:13:14,543
Get ready to drop napalm
on your preconceived notions! [laughs]
277
00:13:14,626 --> 00:13:15,793
I'm not a hippie!
278
00:13:15,876 --> 00:13:18,543
It's medically impossible
for me to flash a peace sign.
279
00:13:19,043 --> 00:13:20,626
[Brett] Okay. How about this?
280
00:13:20,709 --> 00:13:24,543
The Entourage movie should
be in the Criterion Collection.
281
00:13:25,126 --> 00:13:26,251
[Myc] I agree.
282
00:13:27,418 --> 00:13:30,043
What's going on?
Why isn't he verbally abusing me?
283
00:13:30,126 --> 00:13:32,334
When Myc got tangled up
with the other mushrooms,
284
00:13:32,418 --> 00:13:35,043
he must have psychically re-communed
with the hive mind.
285
00:13:35,126 --> 00:13:38,418
He got accepted by the hive
and we got a nicer Myc.
286
00:13:38,501 --> 00:13:39,584
I'm calling this a win-win.
287
00:13:39,668 --> 00:13:42,334
Hell yeah. I have to spend years
brainwashing people
288
00:13:42,418 --> 00:13:44,876
and you just did it in ten seconds.
289
00:13:44,959 --> 00:13:47,626
[Myc] I was thinking I can make you all
a little thank-you dinner
290
00:13:47,709 --> 00:13:49,001
at my town house tonight.
291
00:13:49,084 --> 00:13:51,918
We can watch old episodes
of Sex and the City,
292
00:13:52,001 --> 00:13:53,751
like a bunch of gal pals.
293
00:13:53,834 --> 00:13:55,043
[Brett squeals]
294
00:13:55,126 --> 00:13:59,126
Well, normally I would say,
"What type of pepper spray do you prefer?"
295
00:13:59,209 --> 00:14:03,084
But to the new, improved Myc,
the pepper spray stays in my purse.
296
00:14:04,334 --> 00:14:06,293
[Rand] All right, got my rearview mirror,
297
00:14:06,376 --> 00:14:08,918
rattling cans, so no one
can sneak up on me,
298
00:14:09,001 --> 00:14:10,834
and my lie detector.
299
00:14:12,043 --> 00:14:14,209
Time for Operation Sane!
300
00:14:15,168 --> 00:14:16,834
We'll see who's paranoid now.
301
00:14:17,793 --> 00:14:19,459
Here, shitty shitty kitty.
302
00:14:20,668 --> 00:14:24,459
[Carrie Bradshaw] Meanwhile, uptown,
I was having sex in the city.
303
00:14:24,543 --> 00:14:25,584
[all] Oh!
304
00:14:25,668 --> 00:14:28,709
[Myc] This show is so smart.
I'm such a Samantha, don't you think?
305
00:14:28,793 --> 00:14:31,418
Mainly because all my orifices
are interchangeable.
306
00:14:31,501 --> 00:14:32,501
[laughter]
307
00:14:32,584 --> 00:14:33,543
[Myc] Cheers.
308
00:14:34,584 --> 00:14:37,168
Normally, I'd pour this into a plant
to see if it dies,
309
00:14:37,251 --> 00:14:39,751
but you're being weirdly tolerable
right now.
310
00:14:39,834 --> 00:14:42,043
Too bad Glenn and Andre couldn't make it.
311
00:14:42,126 --> 00:14:43,543
Wait, did they come home with us?
312
00:14:43,626 --> 00:14:48,376
Who cares? More cosmos for Gigi,
and less glowsticks and fish odor.
313
00:14:48,459 --> 00:14:51,168
[Myc] I'm sure
wherever they are, they're safe.
314
00:14:51,251 --> 00:14:54,334
This is a safe place.
315
00:14:54,418 --> 00:14:58,251
America isn't real. America isn't real!
316
00:14:58,334 --> 00:15:00,751
Dude, that's crazy open-minded.
317
00:15:00,834 --> 00:15:02,543
Do you want to touch feet to feet?
318
00:15:02,626 --> 00:15:07,126
What kind of crazy jagoff
would I have to be to not do that?
319
00:15:07,209 --> 00:15:09,709
Whoa!
320
00:15:09,793 --> 00:15:11,418
Oh, you were right, Andre.
321
00:15:11,501 --> 00:15:14,043
I'm one with all living creatures,
322
00:15:14,126 --> 00:15:15,334
even liberals!
323
00:15:15,418 --> 00:15:17,668
We should be writing all of this down.
324
00:15:17,751 --> 00:15:20,376
Look, a whole wall just for drawing on!
325
00:15:20,918 --> 00:15:23,001
[both laugh]
326
00:15:23,084 --> 00:15:25,126
[laughter slows down]
327
00:15:25,209 --> 00:15:28,376
Glenn, your inner beauty is astonishing!
328
00:15:28,459 --> 00:15:32,126
I'm having a vision too.
And it's in British!
329
00:15:32,209 --> 00:15:36,293
[Attenborough] I'm David Attenborough,
and you are tripping balls.
330
00:15:36,376 --> 00:15:40,043
The mushroom hive is a species
of psychic fungoides
331
00:15:40,126 --> 00:15:44,001
that came to Earth on an asteroid
millions of years ago.
332
00:15:44,584 --> 00:15:45,959
The mushrooms flourished,
333
00:15:46,043 --> 00:15:48,543
but then an early ape devoured one
334
00:15:48,626 --> 00:15:53,376
and the mushroom's psychoactive properties
unlocked its higher consciousness.
335
00:15:53,459 --> 00:15:58,709
Now evolved, these stoned apes
became Earth's dominant species
336
00:15:58,793 --> 00:16:01,501
and the mushroom's dominant predator.
337
00:16:01,584 --> 00:16:05,209
[in unison] My God.
Everyone's college roommate was right!
338
00:16:05,293 --> 00:16:08,001
[David Attenborough] The mushrooms
were forced underground, resentful,
339
00:16:08,084 --> 00:16:12,543
and dreaming of one day
rising up to overthrow humanity.
340
00:16:14,293 --> 00:16:15,751
Wait, what was that last part?
341
00:16:15,834 --> 00:16:17,876
We don't exist in peace and harmony.
342
00:16:17,959 --> 00:16:20,168
We're at war with underground mushrooms!
343
00:16:20,793 --> 00:16:22,793
I should have trusted my gut!
344
00:16:22,876 --> 00:16:25,418
Ooh, my gut. I've been infiltrated!
345
00:16:25,501 --> 00:16:26,793
We gotta warn the team!
346
00:16:26,876 --> 00:16:28,668
Quick! I need to puke this out!
347
00:16:28,751 --> 00:16:29,584
Me first!
348
00:16:29,668 --> 00:16:30,501
[both retch]
349
00:16:30,584 --> 00:16:32,168
[Myc laughs]
350
00:16:32,251 --> 00:16:33,459
This is so nice.
351
00:16:33,543 --> 00:16:35,626
I know you and I
haven't always gotten along,
352
00:16:35,709 --> 00:16:37,293
but it all worked out in the end.
353
00:16:37,376 --> 00:16:41,001
[Carrie] It all worked out
in the end, but I couldn't help wondering
354
00:16:41,543 --> 00:16:43,751
what if this was all a hallucination?
355
00:16:43,834 --> 00:16:46,001
Reagan, you need to wake up.
356
00:16:46,084 --> 00:16:49,001
[distorted] Wake up, Reagan!
357
00:16:49,084 --> 00:16:49,959
Huh?
358
00:16:50,043 --> 00:16:52,751
Wait a minute.
How did we get back from Oregon?
359
00:16:52,834 --> 00:16:54,793
Oh, God. What is happening?
360
00:16:54,876 --> 00:16:58,668
[Carrie, in normal voice] Fight it. Fight
like a pair of Manolos just went on sale!
361
00:16:59,251 --> 00:17:00,668
Brett, what are you doing?
362
00:17:00,751 --> 00:17:03,293
Myc has a climbing wall in his kitchen!
363
00:17:03,376 --> 00:17:04,876
It's too good to be true!
364
00:17:04,959 --> 00:17:08,168
Exactly. We're not in Myc's
tastefully-decorated town house.
365
00:17:08,251 --> 00:17:10,168
We're still in the mushroom hive!
366
00:17:10,918 --> 00:17:12,418
-Gigi, Brett!
-[all groan]
367
00:17:12,501 --> 00:17:14,918
Oh, goddamn it! I knew it!
368
00:17:15,001 --> 00:17:18,043
There's no way Myc's bookshelf would have
the complete works of bell hooks.
369
00:17:18,126 --> 00:17:21,293
[hive voice] Do not be alarmed.
We put you in a shared fantasy
370
00:17:21,376 --> 00:17:24,043
to make the sporing process more painless.
371
00:17:24,126 --> 00:17:27,376
[Myc] Hey, girl, another cosmo?
372
00:17:27,459 --> 00:17:29,126
Myc! How could you?
373
00:17:29,209 --> 00:17:31,459
And just when I got my adult acne
under control!
374
00:17:31,543 --> 00:17:35,709
[Myc] But now the team can be
in perfect harmony, just like you wanted.
375
00:17:35,793 --> 00:17:38,168
[hive voice] Myc's attached us
to your minds.
376
00:17:38,251 --> 00:17:40,793
We will learn all humanity's weaknesses
377
00:17:40,876 --> 00:17:44,376
and then we will achieve our destiny.
378
00:17:44,459 --> 00:17:46,501
Overthrowing the Earth!
379
00:17:46,584 --> 00:17:47,668
[humans gasp]
380
00:17:47,751 --> 00:17:51,376
[Myc] Oh, Reagan,
don't be such a Miranda about it.
381
00:17:52,084 --> 00:17:53,293
[Reagan yells]
382
00:17:56,168 --> 00:17:57,334
[sniffs]
383
00:17:59,043 --> 00:18:01,168
[electricity buzzing]
384
00:18:02,376 --> 00:18:06,418
Roach caviar, rat tartar,
boiled Gucci loafer soup?
385
00:18:06,501 --> 00:18:08,709
-No, it can't be!
-[cans rattle]
386
00:18:09,793 --> 00:18:10,918
[man] Hello, Rand.
387
00:18:11,501 --> 00:18:13,501
-Agh!
-J.R. Scheimpough!
388
00:18:13,584 --> 00:18:14,668
Of course!
389
00:18:14,751 --> 00:18:16,584
Now who's a paranoid lunatic?
390
00:18:17,543 --> 00:18:20,918
-Both of us. We both look fucking nuts.
-Wasn't gonna say anything unless you did.
391
00:18:23,459 --> 00:18:24,709
[Glenn groans]
392
00:18:24,793 --> 00:18:26,668
We have to get the hell outta Dodge!
393
00:18:26,751 --> 00:18:30,376
The hive is gonna take over Earth
by implanting mushrooms in our brains
394
00:18:30,459 --> 00:18:33,376
and I guess you figured that out
without drugs.
395
00:18:33,459 --> 00:18:35,001
We gotta save Brett's face.
396
00:18:35,084 --> 00:18:37,626
-He's too old to develop a sense of humor.
-[Brett yelps]
397
00:18:37,709 --> 00:18:40,209
All I wanted was for Myc to be nice.
398
00:18:40,293 --> 00:18:43,293
Yeah, he went from being a fun asshole
399
00:18:43,376 --> 00:18:46,334
to a crazy, religious, totalitarian,
like Kanye.
400
00:18:46,418 --> 00:18:49,793
I miss the old Myc.
He roasted us out of love.
401
00:18:49,876 --> 00:18:51,001
And out of hate.
402
00:18:51,084 --> 00:18:53,501
What I'd give to be roasted one last time.
403
00:18:53,584 --> 00:18:55,543
Wait, that's it. A roast!
404
00:18:55,626 --> 00:18:57,876
I think I know how to get Myc back.
405
00:18:59,293 --> 00:19:01,626
J.R., what the hell are you doing here?
406
00:19:01,709 --> 00:19:04,084
-I don't think we should tell him, Polly.
-Polly?
407
00:19:04,168 --> 00:19:06,876
[J.R. in falsetto] Yes,
keep your secrets, J.R.
408
00:19:06,959 --> 00:19:08,001
Jesus Christ.
409
00:19:08,084 --> 00:19:09,751
After I escaped Bohemian Grove,
410
00:19:09,834 --> 00:19:13,501
I made my way to my mansion in Georgetown,
but the Robes had it torn down!
411
00:19:13,584 --> 00:19:14,418
I was erased!
412
00:19:14,501 --> 00:19:15,584
Good God!
413
00:19:15,668 --> 00:19:17,876
I knew the Robes would
have eyes everywhere,
414
00:19:17,959 --> 00:19:19,584
but if you got drunk with power,
415
00:19:19,668 --> 00:19:22,876
you'd rip out all their
surveillance devices at Cognito.
416
00:19:22,959 --> 00:19:24,334
And if they can't see you--
417
00:19:24,418 --> 00:19:25,793
They can't see you either.
418
00:19:25,876 --> 00:19:27,668
Damn, and they call me paranoid!
419
00:19:27,751 --> 00:19:30,209
You'd be crazy not to be paranoid
in a place like this.
420
00:19:30,293 --> 00:19:31,668
Everyone is out to get you.
421
00:19:31,751 --> 00:19:33,751
Oh, fucking thank you.
422
00:19:33,834 --> 00:19:35,168
Wait, shut the hell up.
423
00:19:35,251 --> 00:19:37,543
I'm only here
because you've been shitting on my desk.
424
00:19:37,626 --> 00:19:39,084
I've only been shitting on your desk
425
00:19:39,168 --> 00:19:41,126
because you people
took everything from me!
426
00:19:41,209 --> 00:19:42,709
Fuck you, fuckface!
427
00:19:42,793 --> 00:19:44,168
[insect scuttles and squeaks]
428
00:19:44,251 --> 00:19:45,834
Wait, did you hear something?
429
00:19:45,918 --> 00:19:47,293
[scuttling and squeaking]
430
00:19:49,251 --> 00:19:50,376
[Rand] Son of a bitch.
431
00:19:50,959 --> 00:19:53,168
A hidden surveillance device.
432
00:19:53,251 --> 00:19:55,876
[Myc] Who wants some fucking dirt to eat?
433
00:19:55,959 --> 00:19:58,584
I'm still being nice. I like dirt.
434
00:19:58,668 --> 00:20:00,751
Myc, we need the old you back.
435
00:20:00,834 --> 00:20:03,293
The raging asshole that I know
is in there somewhere,
436
00:20:03,376 --> 00:20:05,126
and I know how to find him.
437
00:20:05,209 --> 00:20:07,709
Prepare to be roasted!
438
00:20:07,793 --> 00:20:09,251
[Myc] I'm confused.
439
00:20:09,334 --> 00:20:12,376
Not as confused as the audience
at your poetry night.
440
00:20:12,459 --> 00:20:16,584
It's strange that you can read minds,
but you've never read a single room.
441
00:20:16,668 --> 00:20:17,751
[laughter]
442
00:20:17,834 --> 00:20:19,668
[Myc] You weren't at my poetry night.
443
00:20:19,751 --> 00:20:23,001
For real though, me and Myc
had some good times.
444
00:20:23,084 --> 00:20:26,418
Like when I blocked your phone number
and went home and took my shoes off.
445
00:20:26,501 --> 00:20:28,209
[laughter]
446
00:20:28,293 --> 00:20:31,418
[Myc] You think if you insult me
it will bring out the old Myc.
447
00:20:31,501 --> 00:20:32,876
Well, it's not happening.
448
00:20:32,959 --> 00:20:34,668
I once caught Myc in the break room,
449
00:20:34,751 --> 00:20:38,251
jacking off to the photo
on a box of frozen mushroom calzones.
450
00:20:38,334 --> 00:20:40,001
Thank you. That is my time.
451
00:20:40,084 --> 00:20:41,834
[Myc] I was reading the nutritional facts!
452
00:20:41,918 --> 00:20:44,084
Myc, you don't have a shred
of moral character
453
00:20:44,168 --> 00:20:48,293
and I hate the way you smell,
look, and generally exist!
454
00:20:48,376 --> 00:20:49,584
When does the roast start?
455
00:20:49,668 --> 00:20:52,709
[Myc] Stop it, stop it! Oh, God!
456
00:20:52,793 --> 00:20:58,084
But seriously, I love having Myc around
as our wacky alien sidekick.
457
00:20:58,168 --> 00:21:00,334
You know, he's basically our group's--
458
00:21:00,418 --> 00:21:02,293
[Myc] Don't say it!
459
00:21:02,376 --> 00:21:03,418
Finish him, Brett!
460
00:21:03,501 --> 00:21:06,876
…Jar Jar Binks.
461
00:21:07,918 --> 00:21:08,751
[laughter]
462
00:21:08,834 --> 00:21:10,501
[Myc] Oh yeah, Brett?
463
00:21:10,584 --> 00:21:14,584
The last time I saw a white guy
that generic, he was on a Don't Walk sign.
464
00:21:14,668 --> 00:21:16,084
And you think I'm ugly, Glenn?
465
00:21:16,168 --> 00:21:19,834
Your face looks like a neural network
combined a hundred images of testicles.
466
00:21:19,918 --> 00:21:23,209
And, Andre, here's an opinion
on your personality.
467
00:21:23,293 --> 00:21:25,209
You can't medicate boring!
468
00:21:25,293 --> 00:21:26,626
And Gigi!
469
00:21:27,126 --> 00:21:28,293
You're still hot.
470
00:21:28,376 --> 00:21:30,043
As for you, Reagan!
471
00:21:32,126 --> 00:21:34,668
Yeah, what about me, Myc? Ruin me!
472
00:21:34,751 --> 00:21:38,543
[Myc] Even God himself
couldn't ruin you more!
473
00:21:38,626 --> 00:21:41,709
Old Myc is back, bitches!
474
00:21:41,793 --> 00:21:43,918
Fuck you. And fuck you.
475
00:21:44,001 --> 00:21:47,876
And fuck all of you fuckers!
476
00:21:47,959 --> 00:21:49,126
[mushroom hive gasp]
477
00:21:49,209 --> 00:21:53,376
[hive voice] But, Myc, you can
have eternal companionship in the hive.
478
00:21:53,459 --> 00:21:56,168
Why would you choose to leave
with a team you hate?
479
00:21:56,668 --> 00:21:59,084
[Myc] Because I don't hate my team.
480
00:21:59,876 --> 00:22:03,126
And unlike you,
they don't think I need to change.
481
00:22:03,209 --> 00:22:06,709
You're a bunch of stuck-up dicks
who peaked in hive school,
482
00:22:06,793 --> 00:22:10,709
and the only interesting thing that will
ever happen to you was meeting me!
483
00:22:10,793 --> 00:22:13,459
I'm done trying to be like you.
484
00:22:13,543 --> 00:22:16,251
It's time for you to get a load of me!
485
00:22:17,376 --> 00:22:18,209
What is happening?
486
00:22:18,293 --> 00:22:22,501
[Myc strains]
487
00:22:24,376 --> 00:22:25,668
[mushroom 1] What you looking at?
488
00:22:25,751 --> 00:22:28,376
[mushroom 2] I don't know.
Did Jackson Pollock ever paint with vomit?
489
00:22:28,459 --> 00:22:30,543
[Stem-mantha] You all just see me
as an object!
490
00:22:30,626 --> 00:22:33,001
Well, suck my stem, assholes!
491
00:22:33,084 --> 00:22:35,376
I have a degree in communications!
492
00:22:36,001 --> 00:22:39,084
Myc, instead of the hive
taking over your personality,
493
00:22:39,168 --> 00:22:40,501
you took over theirs,
494
00:22:40,584 --> 00:22:41,918
and now they fucking suck!
495
00:22:42,001 --> 00:22:43,959
Sorry, that came out wrong.
496
00:22:44,043 --> 00:22:47,084
You don't actually suck.
You're an acquired taste.
497
00:22:47,168 --> 00:22:51,293
[Myc] Don't worry. I'm picking up
what your feeble brain is laying down.
498
00:22:51,376 --> 00:22:52,376
[Reagan chuckles]
499
00:22:53,084 --> 00:22:55,084
Jesus, I guess the hive is gone forever.
500
00:22:55,668 --> 00:22:58,418
[Myc] Nah, I got my hive right here.
501
00:22:58,501 --> 00:23:00,501
[laughs] I've got hives from being here!
502
00:23:00,584 --> 00:23:01,626
[all] Eurgh!
503
00:23:03,084 --> 00:23:06,709
The Robes have bugs
disguised as actual bugs.
504
00:23:06,793 --> 00:23:09,668
Have to admit,
if not for your revenge shits,
505
00:23:09,751 --> 00:23:12,668
I never would've found
the real spies. Drink?
506
00:23:12,751 --> 00:23:15,751
Brandy not made of my own urine?
How can I say no?
507
00:23:15,834 --> 00:23:18,293
How would you like a job
debugging this place?
508
00:23:18,376 --> 00:23:21,043
And in return,
I won't turn you in to the Robes.
509
00:23:21,126 --> 00:23:25,334
Yes. I'm thinking co-CEO,
full salary, private jet.
510
00:23:25,418 --> 00:23:28,418
How about unpaid intern
and I get to call you "Spanky"?
511
00:23:28,501 --> 00:23:29,334
Deal!
512
00:23:32,293 --> 00:23:38,084
Andre, I'm sorry for judging your commie,
hippie, junkie, pinko, pansexual,
513
00:23:38,168 --> 00:23:40,001
ambiguously ethnic lifestyle.
514
00:23:40,084 --> 00:23:43,668
No, Glenn. Almost dying with you
in a mushroom hole made me realize
515
00:23:43,751 --> 00:23:45,751
I was the one judging you.
516
00:23:45,834 --> 00:23:47,793
Also, sorry for drugging you.
517
00:23:47,876 --> 00:23:52,209
After what we experienced, I'm proud
to not feel my face when I'm with you.
518
00:23:52,293 --> 00:23:55,334
And I'm proud to call you a… client?
519
00:23:55,418 --> 00:23:57,043
You take traveler's checks?
520
00:23:59,876 --> 00:24:02,084
-There you go.
-[Myc] Thanks for doing this, guys.
521
00:24:02,168 --> 00:24:03,543
We're happy to have you back.
522
00:24:03,626 --> 00:24:06,543
[Myc] Me too. Ever since
you helped me break from the hive,
523
00:24:06,626 --> 00:24:08,876
I'm really ready to embrace the new me.
524
00:24:08,959 --> 00:24:11,209
Oh, Gigi's proud of you, honey.
525
00:24:11,293 --> 00:24:13,834
[Myc] Hello. Welcome to Fresh Dirt.
526
00:24:13,918 --> 00:24:17,293
My guests this week
are genius robotics expert Reagan Ridley
527
00:24:17,376 --> 00:24:20,834
and master media manipulator
Gigi Thompson. Welcome.
528
00:24:20,918 --> 00:24:22,168
-Hi there.
-Pleasure to be here.
529
00:24:22,251 --> 00:24:25,293
[Myc] My first question is this,
you guys ever make out?
530
00:24:25,376 --> 00:24:26,334
Excuse me?
531
00:24:26,418 --> 00:24:29,543
[Myc] After work,
you have a few too many Mich Ultras,
532
00:24:29,626 --> 00:24:32,459
a hand ends up on somebody's thigh.
533
00:24:32,543 --> 00:24:34,959
-That took all of, what, five seconds?
-[Gigi] I'm out.
534
00:24:35,043 --> 00:24:38,001
[Myc] Get used to it, baby!
It's called journalism!
535
00:24:38,668 --> 00:24:41,251
Fresh Dirt is brought to you
by Blue Apron.
536
00:24:41,334 --> 00:24:45,043
Do you only care about the environment
if it's super convenient?
537
00:24:46,126 --> 00:24:48,043
[tranquil music plays]
538
00:25:13,126 --> 00:25:17,043
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