1
00:00:06,043 --> 00:00:08,793
A NETFLIX SERIES
2
00:00:14,501 --> 00:00:17,834
Did you just come from the gym,
or a tornado or something?
3
00:00:17,918 --> 00:00:22,001
-I was with Staedtler in the broom closet.
-What? Give me all the steamy details!
4
00:00:22,084 --> 00:00:25,834
So get this, we're in the closet
and I'm totally naked.
5
00:00:25,918 --> 00:00:27,209
Oh, hell yeah!
6
00:00:27,293 --> 00:00:30,626
Emotionally. I'm telling him
about my parents and my childhood--
7
00:00:30,709 --> 00:00:32,001
Get to the sexy fling part.
8
00:00:32,084 --> 00:00:33,251
Yeah, I'm building to it.
9
00:00:33,334 --> 00:00:37,834
So Staedtler, he has this huge,
almost intimidatingly massive…
10
00:00:37,918 --> 00:00:40,084
Inject that shit straight into my veins!
11
00:00:40,168 --> 00:00:41,126
…heart.
12
00:00:41,209 --> 00:00:44,668
Most people say that they care
about stuff, but he really does.
13
00:00:44,751 --> 00:00:47,376
This ain't hot!
This is some monogamy shit.
14
00:00:47,459 --> 00:00:48,459
Ha, please!
15
00:00:48,543 --> 00:00:50,043
Staedtler's just a random hookup
16
00:00:50,126 --> 00:00:52,918
that makes me feel like I'm home
every time we make eye contact.
17
00:00:53,001 --> 00:00:54,501
And sure, when I smell him,
18
00:00:54,584 --> 00:00:57,626
I feel like part of me that I never
thought was missing is complete.
19
00:00:57,709 --> 00:00:58,959
That doesn't mean that I want…
20
00:00:59,459 --> 00:01:02,709
Oh God. I want Staedtler
to be my boyfriend!
21
00:01:03,418 --> 00:01:06,376
You told me you weren't
looking for anything serious!
22
00:01:06,459 --> 00:01:07,959
You're a living stem cell, Steve.
23
00:01:08,543 --> 00:01:10,334
Call me incel Steve now.
24
00:01:12,584 --> 00:01:14,418
[upbeat music plays]
25
00:01:35,293 --> 00:01:38,001
To conclude today's HR presentation,
26
00:01:38,084 --> 00:01:41,209
groping your own clone
is still sexual harassment,
27
00:01:41,293 --> 00:01:42,793
not masturbation,
28
00:01:42,876 --> 00:01:44,959
and neither are allowed at work,
29
00:01:45,043 --> 00:01:45,918
Andre!
30
00:01:46,001 --> 00:01:47,543
Can't blame a guy for trying.
31
00:01:48,209 --> 00:01:50,543
Everything reminds me of him.
32
00:01:50,626 --> 00:01:53,501
We can't have sex with clones.
We can't nuke UC Berkeley.
33
00:01:53,584 --> 00:01:55,793
You snowflakes won't let us have any fun!
34
00:01:55,876 --> 00:01:58,209
-[Andre] Shut the fuck up!
-Go eat a bag of dicks.
35
00:01:58,293 --> 00:02:02,209
Luckily, I've made a new HR handbook
just for this group.
36
00:02:03,293 --> 00:02:05,001
This is Volume One.
37
00:02:05,084 --> 00:02:07,918
I think I'm gonna ask Staedtler
to be my boyfriend tonight.
38
00:02:08,001 --> 00:02:09,584
I even ironed my lab coat.
39
00:02:09,668 --> 00:02:13,376
Okay, I'm just gonna forget that last part
and just be happy for you.
40
00:02:13,459 --> 00:02:15,543
Where are you going to pop the question?
41
00:02:15,626 --> 00:02:17,959
-A place really special to us.
-Don't say broom closet.
42
00:02:18,043 --> 00:02:19,668
-The broom closet!
-Are you crazy?
43
00:02:19,751 --> 00:02:23,001
If you really like this guy, you need
to get some romance up in this bitch.
44
00:02:23,084 --> 00:02:23,918
Romance?
45
00:02:24,001 --> 00:02:26,709
I just lied to you
about ironing my lab coat.
46
00:02:26,793 --> 00:02:29,709
How am I gonna find some place
romantic enough to ask him out?
47
00:02:30,459 --> 00:02:32,001
We've been fucked by the pope!
48
00:02:32,501 --> 00:02:34,501
For the love of God, context!
49
00:02:34,584 --> 00:02:36,126
-[Mothman] Hey!
-Buzz off, dipshit.
50
00:02:36,709 --> 00:02:39,918
He just suspended our contract
to build the Vatican a hell on Earth!
51
00:02:40,001 --> 00:02:42,043
Building a what on where?
52
00:02:42,126 --> 00:02:43,501
Why do you never know anything?
53
00:02:43,584 --> 00:02:46,668
I should work in construction
with the amount of pipe I have to lay.
54
00:02:49,918 --> 00:02:53,334
so the College of Cardinals hired us
to create a fake hell under Rome.
55
00:02:53,418 --> 00:02:56,584
The plan was to simulate an earthquake
that uncovers hell,
56
00:02:56,668 --> 00:02:59,751
then everyone would
be so terrified of God's wrath
57
00:03:08,543 --> 00:03:13,043
Wow, Disney magic can do anything.
Including send people to hell?
58
00:03:13,126 --> 00:03:16,584
Relax. It's just for show.
No one's actually "going to hell."
59
00:03:16,668 --> 00:03:19,376
Except Andre, for the weird shit
he did with his clone.
60
00:03:19,459 --> 00:03:20,334
No regrets.
61
00:03:20,418 --> 00:03:21,793
And this project.
62
00:03:21,876 --> 00:03:24,626
The new pope is apparently chill AF.
63
00:03:24,709 --> 00:03:28,459
He found out about the hell contract
and wants to shut it down.
64
00:03:28,543 --> 00:03:33,043
And Jesus said,
"I shall not bogart Salvation."
65
00:03:33,126 --> 00:03:37,334
"Heaven is deadass lit, fam."
Ocasio-Cortez 2024.
66
00:03:37,418 --> 00:03:39,001
I need one of you to go to Rome
67
00:03:39,084 --> 00:03:43,209
and brainwash the pope into a hardcore
religious conservative overnight.
68
00:03:51,376 --> 00:03:54,918
a bounty of pasta and wine
that's so toe-curlingly sensual, you'll--
69
00:03:55,001 --> 00:03:56,709
Dibs! I'll go to Rome.
70
00:04:00,834 --> 00:04:02,626
-Not fair!
-Italian men love Gigi!
71
00:04:02,709 --> 00:04:05,209
Do whatever you have to do.
We need this contract.
72
00:04:05,293 --> 00:04:06,126
Yes!
73
00:04:06,209 --> 00:04:08,084
[Myc] Come on.
Did you just figure out a way
74
00:04:08,168 --> 00:04:11,501
to turn one of our bullshit missions
into a free vacation?
75
00:04:14,626 --> 00:04:16,584
Suck my per diem!
76
00:04:16,668 --> 00:04:17,793
[yelps]
77
00:04:17,876 --> 00:04:18,751
[groans]
78
00:04:19,418 --> 00:04:21,418
[romantic music plays]
79
00:04:23,084 --> 00:04:26,918
Whoa, this hotel room is like
the Colosseum of broom closets.
80
00:04:27,001 --> 00:04:29,084
And so many less cleaning supplies.
81
00:04:29,168 --> 00:04:32,876
Look at all the natural light.
I've never seen it on your face before.
82
00:04:32,959 --> 00:04:34,251
Nice face, by the way.
83
00:04:34,334 --> 00:04:36,251
[romantic music continues]
84
00:04:36,334 --> 00:04:38,251
Wait until you see
the restaurant I booked.
85
00:04:38,334 --> 00:04:42,709
Yelp calls it one of the top five bistros
to have honest, emotional conversations.
86
00:04:42,793 --> 00:04:45,418
We can go right after we knock out
this whole pope business.
87
00:04:45,501 --> 00:04:46,876
Oh. Oh, right.
88
00:04:46,959 --> 00:04:49,376
I thought I might do that part myself.
89
00:04:49,459 --> 00:04:51,501
I usually don't mix
business with pleasure.
90
00:04:51,584 --> 00:04:52,918
It'll take two seconds.
91
00:04:53,001 --> 00:04:55,251
It's a quick meeting
with our contact, the cardinal,
92
00:04:55,334 --> 00:04:57,876
you scramble the pope's brains
so he green-lights hell,
93
00:04:57,959 --> 00:05:00,626
and then, boom,
we're free to go out on the town.
94
00:05:00,709 --> 00:05:03,084
You do make it sound so simple.
95
00:05:03,168 --> 00:05:06,293
So let's slam these negronis
and hit the road, huh?
96
00:05:06,376 --> 00:05:07,793
When in Rome, right?
97
00:05:07,876 --> 00:05:11,293
-I was waiting for one of us to say that.
-You gotta say it.
98
00:05:11,376 --> 00:05:13,293
It's half the reason people come here.
99
00:05:14,834 --> 00:05:19,209
Ugh. It's like a homeless family
of licorice is squatting in my mouth!
100
00:05:19,293 --> 00:05:20,126
Gross.
101
00:05:20,793 --> 00:05:23,293
[Myc] It's bullshit
Reagan gets to go to Rome.
102
00:05:23,376 --> 00:05:25,209
I've always wanted to go on a Euro trip
103
00:05:25,293 --> 00:05:28,168
ever since I saw the 2004 movie EuroTrip.
104
00:05:28,251 --> 00:05:32,459
[gasps] Let's expense a trip to Rome
and say it's for the hell project!
105
00:05:32,543 --> 00:05:34,251
Rome? You gotta take me with you.
106
00:05:34,334 --> 00:05:37,459
Please! I'll pay you
in insufficient funds ATM slips.
107
00:05:37,543 --> 00:05:41,626
Of course. We need a gopher to haggle
with the locals and hold our trash.
108
00:05:41,709 --> 00:05:43,293
-What are y'all talkin' about?
-Nothing.
109
00:05:43,376 --> 00:05:44,209
[all groan]
110
00:05:44,293 --> 00:05:47,293
A trip? I'm in. I love air travel.
111
00:05:47,376 --> 00:05:49,793
When you're a military man,
people clap for you,
112
00:05:49,876 --> 00:05:51,709
offer you their seat in first class,
113
00:05:56,668 --> 00:06:00,668
Fine. But only because I know you'd
narc on us if we didn't let you go.
114
00:06:00,751 --> 00:06:03,334
Yes! Vacation time!
115
00:06:03,418 --> 00:06:05,334
Are you always wearing that?
116
00:06:05,418 --> 00:06:10,209
When you hit a certain size, it's harder
to find shirts that aren't Hawaiian.
117
00:06:13,334 --> 00:06:15,293
And the maître d' was very mean
on the phone.
118
00:06:15,376 --> 00:06:18,334
Should we practice a couple
of traditional greetings for the pope?
119
00:06:18,418 --> 00:06:19,834
No time, but don't worry.
120
00:06:19,918 --> 00:06:22,126
I've been training my robo arms
to learn Italian.
121
00:06:22,209 --> 00:06:24,876
Pronto, pronto, prego, pasta.
122
00:06:24,959 --> 00:06:27,334
Not offensive to Italians at all.
123
00:06:27,418 --> 00:06:28,834
[choral music plays]
124
00:06:28,918 --> 00:06:30,168
Ah, Cognito!
125
00:06:30,251 --> 00:06:32,126
-Cardinal.
-Peace be with you.
126
00:06:32,209 --> 00:06:33,418
And also with your spirit.
127
00:06:33,501 --> 00:06:36,918
This new chill pope is more blasphemous
than we thought.
128
00:06:37,001 --> 00:06:39,334
He's presiding over a gay dog wedding.
129
00:06:39,418 --> 00:06:41,209
["Wedding March" plays]
130
00:06:41,293 --> 00:06:45,126
I now pronounce you two good boys.
131
00:06:45,209 --> 00:06:47,876
I always cry at gay dog weddings.
132
00:06:47,959 --> 00:06:49,793
[scoffs] I give them six months.
133
00:06:50,709 --> 00:06:52,876
Wow, what a hot crowd!
134
00:06:53,459 --> 00:06:56,918
Excuse me, Mr. Pope,
can I try on your big, weird hat?
135
00:06:57,001 --> 00:06:58,334
[gasps]
136
00:06:58,876 --> 00:07:00,334
Son of a bishop!
137
00:07:00,418 --> 00:07:01,376
He can't hear you.
138
00:07:01,459 --> 00:07:02,918
I built this Catholicizer
139
00:07:03,001 --> 00:07:06,626
to make anyone with an ounce
of Catholic in them extra judgmental.
140
00:07:07,126 --> 00:07:09,459
I'm a lapsed Catholic myself,
but if I got zapped,
141
00:07:09,543 --> 00:07:13,376
all that guilt I've suppressed
would just explode right out of me.
142
00:07:13,459 --> 00:07:16,168
That's me in the corner,
losing my religion.
143
00:07:16,668 --> 00:07:19,751
Aw. Hey, look at you
mixing business with pleasure.
144
00:07:19,834 --> 00:07:22,793
Yeah. I'll call it Biz-Leasure,
working title.
145
00:07:22,876 --> 00:07:25,251
Actually, I feel good about it.
Let's lock it in.
146
00:07:25,334 --> 00:07:28,459
Anyway, this guy'll be Catholic enough
to raise hell in a few hours.
147
00:07:28,543 --> 00:07:30,209
You said it was gonna take two seconds.
148
00:07:30,293 --> 00:07:32,543
-[cell phone vibrating]
-Ah, shoot. Illuminati.
149
00:07:32,626 --> 00:07:36,001
Jay-Z just got a hundredth problem
and he's freaking the fuck out.
150
00:07:36,084 --> 00:07:40,001
We're gonna be late for this dinner,
and I have something important to ask you.
151
00:07:43,126 --> 00:07:44,626
I could just speed things up a bit.
152
00:07:45,293 --> 00:07:46,459
[machine whirs]
153
00:07:46,959 --> 00:07:50,626
[Catholicizer beeps]
154
00:07:50,709 --> 00:07:52,959
[Reagan] Right?
You don't mind, Your Holiness.
155
00:07:53,501 --> 00:07:57,918
[in bad Italian accent] It's good, Reagan.
Forget about it! Mamma mia! Let's go!
156
00:07:58,001 --> 00:08:00,418
[laughs]
157
00:08:00,501 --> 00:08:03,793
[in normal voice] Oh, man.
If God is real, I'm fucked.
158
00:08:04,584 --> 00:08:07,543
I can't believe cheap-ass Rand
made us shadow lev
159
00:08:07,626 --> 00:08:10,418
all the way out
to the freakin' Denver Airport.
160
00:08:10,501 --> 00:08:13,501
How is the access point
for all shadow world air travel
161
00:08:13,584 --> 00:08:15,834
under this horse's big blue nuts?
162
00:08:15,918 --> 00:08:17,501
No one told you to look up.
163
00:08:18,168 --> 00:08:20,168
[jaunty music plays]
164
00:08:23,001 --> 00:08:24,543
[all groan]
165
00:08:29,126 --> 00:08:30,918
Pat-downs will be random
166
00:08:31,001 --> 00:08:34,168
in that we will randomly
pick someone that we do not like.
167
00:08:34,251 --> 00:08:35,376
[groans]
168
00:08:35,459 --> 00:08:40,126
The Denver Airport Shadow Terminal also
has security? But we run the whole world.
169
00:08:40,209 --> 00:08:41,584
We are in an airport.
170
00:08:41,668 --> 00:08:43,834
Even the Deep State can't beat TSA.
171
00:08:43,918 --> 00:08:47,293
God himself would have to put his laptop
in a separate bin.
172
00:08:47,376 --> 00:08:49,834
Heh. Watch and learn, soy boys.
173
00:08:49,918 --> 00:08:51,501
-[beeping]
-What's that?
174
00:08:51,584 --> 00:08:56,126
Did your metal detector
detect all my medals?
175
00:08:56,209 --> 00:08:57,584
Please remove your shoes.
176
00:08:57,668 --> 00:08:59,293
That won't be necessary, son.
177
00:09:00,043 --> 00:09:01,126
[slurping]
178
00:09:01,209 --> 00:09:03,876
Let that man pass. He's a veteran.
179
00:09:03,959 --> 00:09:06,584
I'm the Searchin' General,
head of the TSA.
180
00:09:07,918 --> 00:09:09,043
I apologize for that.
181
00:09:09,126 --> 00:09:13,168
I would never hold up a man who used
to kill people and follow arbitrary rules.
182
00:09:13,251 --> 00:09:17,418
Damn right. I served selflessly
and I deserve royal treatment for it.
183
00:09:17,501 --> 00:09:19,543
Anything for a fellow military man.
184
00:09:20,293 --> 00:09:22,126
The fuck did you just say?
185
00:09:22,209 --> 00:09:25,834
The TSA are the unofficial
sixth branch of the military.
186
00:09:25,918 --> 00:09:30,668
Key words being "unofficial"
and, no, you aren't!
187
00:09:30,751 --> 00:09:31,584
[slurps]
188
00:09:32,168 --> 00:09:35,418
Hawkins, take this man
to secondary inspection.
189
00:09:35,501 --> 00:09:38,418
I think he forgot to take off his shoes.
190
00:09:38,501 --> 00:09:39,334
Guys, wait!
191
00:09:39,418 --> 00:09:41,459
I'm experiencing consequences!
192
00:09:41,543 --> 00:09:44,126
Bye, Glenn. Enjoy the royal treatment.
193
00:09:44,959 --> 00:09:46,626
[romantic music plays]
194
00:09:47,209 --> 00:09:51,084
Hey, I bought you an Italian ice,
which I guess is just ice here?
195
00:09:51,168 --> 00:09:52,793
Yeah, this is just a bag of ice.
196
00:09:52,876 --> 00:09:54,376
No time. We've got reservations
197
00:09:54,459 --> 00:09:57,209
and I feel like this unwoke pope
is about to call me a--
198
00:09:57,293 --> 00:09:58,418
Streetwalker!
199
00:09:58,501 --> 00:09:59,459
Right on schedule.
200
00:09:59,543 --> 00:10:01,293
That should have taken way longer.
201
00:10:01,376 --> 00:10:03,043
Did I set the device up properly?
202
00:10:03,126 --> 00:10:05,293
I think you nailed it.
Let's change and get outta here.
203
00:10:08,001 --> 00:10:10,376
Wow, you invented a fanciness gun?
204
00:10:10,459 --> 00:10:13,293
I call it a blazer gun. Like laser gun.
205
00:10:13,376 --> 00:10:15,459
Technically it uses nanoparticles,
206
00:10:15,543 --> 00:10:17,543
but let's save the sexy talk
for after dinner.
207
00:10:17,626 --> 00:10:20,251
Yes. Whisper tech specs in my ear.
208
00:10:20,334 --> 00:10:25,501
So have you finally seen the wisdom
of the hell project, Your Holiness?
209
00:10:25,584 --> 00:10:29,084
Yes, Cardinal,
but showing the people hell below
210
00:10:29,168 --> 00:10:31,584
is just the beginning of God's wrath.
211
00:10:31,668 --> 00:10:34,626
We can accelerate Rome's Revelations.
212
00:10:34,709 --> 00:10:36,001
-[bell tolls]
-[ground rumbles]
213
00:10:36,084 --> 00:10:37,543
-[screaming]
-Whoa!
214
00:10:40,001 --> 00:10:42,793
-[both yelp]
-What the actual hell?
215
00:10:42,876 --> 00:10:46,501
[Pope] If you heathens
have lost your fear of hell after death,
216
00:10:46,584 --> 00:10:49,584
then I shall unleash hell on Earth.
217
00:10:49,668 --> 00:10:54,293
Let's get ready to humble!
218
00:10:54,376 --> 00:10:56,376
[sinister music plays]
219
00:10:56,918 --> 00:10:59,459
-[maniacal laughter]
-[screaming]
220
00:10:59,543 --> 00:11:00,501
[both gasp]
221
00:11:01,668 --> 00:11:03,959
-[Swiss guard] It's prayback time!
-[groaning]
222
00:11:04,626 --> 00:11:06,793
We now pronounce you married.
223
00:11:06,876 --> 00:11:08,001
-No!
-No!
224
00:11:08,084 --> 00:11:10,918
I knew I screwed something up
with the Catholicizer.
225
00:11:11,001 --> 00:11:13,668
Chill out. These things
were built by Disney nerds.
226
00:11:13,751 --> 00:11:15,501
No one's actually going to hell.
227
00:11:15,584 --> 00:11:18,168
[screaming]
228
00:11:18,751 --> 00:11:22,501
Fuck! These animatronics
have gotten so realistic!
229
00:11:22,584 --> 00:11:24,418
Damn you, Bob Iger!
230
00:11:24,501 --> 00:11:27,543
Damn you and your commitment
to excellence!
231
00:11:27,626 --> 00:11:29,876
[dramatic choral music plays]
232
00:11:29,959 --> 00:11:34,459
[reporter] An earthquake and mysterious
winged creatures have rocked Vatican City.
233
00:11:39,168 --> 00:11:41,959
Holy shit! [screams]
234
00:11:42,834 --> 00:11:44,293
This is all my fault.
235
00:11:44,376 --> 00:11:49,001
I left to get you that romantic bag of ice
when I should have been manning my post.
236
00:11:49,084 --> 00:11:51,876
I mixed business with pleasure
and look what happened.
237
00:11:51,959 --> 00:11:53,584
But what about Biz-Leasure?
238
00:11:53,668 --> 00:11:55,793
It sounds so clunky now.
239
00:11:55,876 --> 00:11:57,334
Maybe it always did.
240
00:11:57,418 --> 00:12:00,418
-[sighs] This is why I don't date.
-What?!
241
00:12:00,501 --> 00:12:04,793
[gasps] That label-free couple
was holding hands!
242
00:12:04,876 --> 00:12:06,376
Fire the Vati-Cannon!
243
00:12:06,459 --> 00:12:08,584
[dramatic music plays]
244
00:12:12,584 --> 00:12:13,751
[music fades]
245
00:12:13,834 --> 00:12:15,709
Let me make sure the coast is clear.
246
00:12:19,293 --> 00:12:21,376
-Reagan!
-Listen, I need your advice.
247
00:12:21,459 --> 00:12:23,709
Rome is burning and so is my relationship.
248
00:12:23,793 --> 00:12:26,084
Staedtler just said he doesn't date!
249
00:12:26,751 --> 00:12:29,709
My God! He really used that line?
250
00:12:29,793 --> 00:12:32,918
If he tries to con you into some
polyamorous millennial bullshit,
251
00:12:33,001 --> 00:12:36,209
I will be very mad
and very horny about it!
252
00:12:36,293 --> 00:12:38,918
Maybe I just need to ask him
what our deal is, straight up.
253
00:12:39,001 --> 00:12:40,251
No, no, no, no, no.
254
00:12:40,334 --> 00:12:44,001
Would Johnnie Cochran ask a question
if he didn't already know the answer?
255
00:12:44,084 --> 00:12:47,126
No! Which is why
we were never officially engaged.
256
00:12:47,209 --> 00:12:50,043
So, I need to find out
if he wants to date me
257
00:12:50,126 --> 00:12:52,418
before I ask him if he wants to date me?
258
00:12:52,501 --> 00:12:53,751
Exactly.
259
00:12:53,834 --> 00:12:56,668
And then save Italy
from whatever the fuck you did to it.
260
00:12:57,959 --> 00:13:00,084
[screaming]
261
00:13:01,001 --> 00:13:04,584
You can't just keep me in here
without rhyme or reason.
262
00:13:04,668 --> 00:13:06,668
[laughs] This is the TSA,
263
00:13:06,751 --> 00:13:09,376
and the rules of our domain
are arbitrary and inconvenient,
264
00:13:09,459 --> 00:13:11,626
as decreed by the covenant of our origin.
265
00:13:12,126 --> 00:13:13,334
The year was 1903.
266
00:13:13,418 --> 00:13:15,751
The Wright brothers were preparing
for their maiden flight.
267
00:13:23,668 --> 00:13:25,043
Unfortunately, before take-off,
268
00:13:25,126 --> 00:13:28,751
the two idiot brothers betrayed him
to keep all the glory for themselves.
269
00:13:28,834 --> 00:13:31,751
On that day, Judas founded the TSA,
270
00:13:37,876 --> 00:13:41,876
And so the TSA branch of the military
was born.
271
00:13:41,959 --> 00:13:43,793
We've never had the respect we deserved,
272
00:13:43,876 --> 00:13:46,834
but a high-ranking general like you
could change that.
273
00:13:46,918 --> 00:13:50,293
Just say we're a branch of the military
and you're free.
274
00:13:50,376 --> 00:13:53,001
And I thought the Army
had loose psych requirements.
275
00:13:53,084 --> 00:13:55,126
Where'd you get that badge? The gift shop?
276
00:13:55,209 --> 00:13:56,459
Insolent worm!
277
00:13:56,543 --> 00:13:58,584
Just say we're a branch of the military.
Say it!
278
00:13:58,668 --> 00:13:59,876
[spits]
279
00:13:59,959 --> 00:14:03,001
More like the branch
of has-been Paul Blarts!
280
00:14:03,084 --> 00:14:03,959
That's enough!
281
00:14:04,876 --> 00:14:07,168
We'll find a way to break you, Dolphman.
282
00:14:07,251 --> 00:14:09,334
The TSA always does.
283
00:14:09,418 --> 00:14:11,501
No! Let me have my dignity!
284
00:14:11,584 --> 00:14:13,334
I earned it by killing people!
285
00:14:14,584 --> 00:14:17,793
I don't like it,
I don't like it, I don't like it!
286
00:14:17,876 --> 00:14:19,126
This is fixable.
287
00:14:21,918 --> 00:14:23,751
so you can unbrainwash the pope.
288
00:14:23,834 --> 00:14:26,168
I'd ask why the Vatican has secret doors,
289
00:14:26,251 --> 00:14:28,626
but I think the answer
would just bum me out.
290
00:14:28,709 --> 00:14:32,209
These secret passages all have
Da Vinci ass riddles to get through.
291
00:14:32,293 --> 00:14:34,043
"The Mouth of Truth."
292
00:14:34,626 --> 00:14:35,834
You stick your hand in
293
00:14:35,918 --> 00:14:40,084
and then the legend says that if you lie,
it bites down until you tell the truth.
294
00:14:40,584 --> 00:14:41,918
Legend, my ass.
295
00:14:42,001 --> 00:14:44,751
Just some Renaissance era
Catholic security system.
296
00:14:44,834 --> 00:14:47,876
Try sticking your hand in
and I'll see if I can hack it.
297
00:14:50,043 --> 00:14:52,834
[Mouth of Truth] Only the truth
will set you free.
298
00:14:52,918 --> 00:14:54,084
Uh, Reagan?
299
00:14:54,168 --> 00:14:55,251
Working on it.
300
00:14:55,334 --> 00:14:56,709
Maybe you should answer.
301
00:15:01,459 --> 00:15:04,043
Only the truth will set you free.
302
00:15:04,543 --> 00:15:08,918
I don't know. Maybe we should just,
uh, respect the mouth's process.
303
00:15:09,418 --> 00:15:11,043
Uh, totally normal follow-up.
304
00:15:11,126 --> 00:15:12,543
Why don't you date?
305
00:15:12,626 --> 00:15:14,334
What does that have to do with--
306
00:15:14,418 --> 00:15:17,334
Let's not forget whose arm
is in whose mouth.
307
00:15:17,418 --> 00:15:18,418
Okay, fine.
308
00:15:18,501 --> 00:15:21,584
The closer I let people get to me,
the more they get hurt.
309
00:15:21,668 --> 00:15:22,876
Can you just let me in?
310
00:15:22,959 --> 00:15:25,376
[Reagan] I could ask you
the same question, dude.
311
00:15:25,459 --> 00:15:30,876
But have you met anyone super-fun recently
that could maybe change your mind?
312
00:15:30,959 --> 00:15:33,543
Maybe, but then because I got distracted,
313
00:15:33,626 --> 00:15:36,334
the pope was throwing
gay puppies into hell.
314
00:15:36,418 --> 00:15:40,793
But if Rome got better, you would maybe
reconsider your stance on, like,
315
00:15:40,876 --> 00:15:45,001
labels and sleepovers
and just generally making it offish?
316
00:15:45,084 --> 00:15:46,959
Reagan, any progress?
317
00:15:47,043 --> 00:15:50,209
Can you check to see if it's stuck
in some kind of prying mode?
318
00:15:50,293 --> 00:15:51,459
[crashing]
319
00:15:52,376 --> 00:15:53,334
Check the hallway.
320
00:15:53,418 --> 00:15:55,626
This passage is not dragon-accessible.
321
00:15:55,709 --> 00:15:57,209
Shit. We gotta go.
322
00:15:57,959 --> 00:16:02,918
Oh, thank God. Much like our hotel room,
there's a lot to unpack there.
323
00:16:05,001 --> 00:16:07,168
[Myc] One charger and it's broken?
324
00:16:07,251 --> 00:16:10,251
If I didn't know any better,
I'd say they're trying to torture us!
325
00:16:10,334 --> 00:16:11,168
[muffled speech]
326
00:16:12,376 --> 00:16:15,959
[Brett] No! There's such a thing
as too moisturized! [gasps for air]
327
00:16:16,043 --> 00:16:17,293
[Myc] Agh!
328
00:16:17,376 --> 00:16:19,043
That sizzles!
329
00:16:19,126 --> 00:16:21,918
How are two Advils $68?
330
00:16:24,709 --> 00:16:27,709
Glenn, you son of a bitch!
You'll hang for this!
331
00:16:28,334 --> 00:16:31,209
Have you ever noticed inconveniences?
332
00:16:31,293 --> 00:16:36,251
Oh God! They're torturing us with dated
observational comedy about airline travel!
333
00:16:36,334 --> 00:16:38,043
Where's my suicide pill?
334
00:16:38,126 --> 00:16:39,209
[grunts]
335
00:16:39,293 --> 00:16:40,793
[screaming]
336
00:16:40,876 --> 00:16:43,376
My God, you're a monster.
337
00:16:43,459 --> 00:16:45,209
I drafted a statement for you to sign,
338
00:16:48,834 --> 00:16:50,334
What's it gonna be?
339
00:16:50,918 --> 00:16:52,959
[Seinfeld] Social mores!
340
00:16:53,043 --> 00:16:55,293
Death, take me now!
341
00:16:56,876 --> 00:16:59,168
Just FYI, if I fuck this up again,
342
00:16:59,251 --> 00:17:03,043
we're gonna have to collect the pope's
liquefied brain into little baggies
343
00:17:03,126 --> 00:17:04,668
and we can't fly with those.
344
00:17:04,751 --> 00:17:08,459
Ron, I should tell you. The real reason
I asked you on this trip is--
345
00:17:08,543 --> 00:17:11,918
To make me evil,
but in a fun, cinematic way?
346
00:17:12,001 --> 00:17:13,584
Thanks for that, by the way.
347
00:17:13,668 --> 00:17:15,584
What's he pontificating about?
348
00:17:15,668 --> 00:17:17,543
Nothing. Shut your forgiveness hole!
349
00:17:17,626 --> 00:17:20,751
It was this woman
that tampered with your device!
350
00:17:20,834 --> 00:17:24,626
Reagan? You're the reason
my Catholicizer went full Wahlberg?
351
00:17:24,709 --> 00:17:27,876
I can explain. I was horny and impatient?
352
00:17:27,959 --> 00:17:31,793
Now I am going to fulfill God's plan to--
353
00:17:31,876 --> 00:17:36,376
You sabotaged my equipment
and let me think I burned down Rome?
354
00:17:36,459 --> 00:17:41,001
Yes, but I was just trying to read
your mixed signals about relationships.
355
00:17:41,084 --> 00:17:43,209
I mean, what the hell are we even doing?
356
00:17:43,293 --> 00:17:45,834
You never mentioned that.
I'm not a mind-reader!
357
00:17:45,918 --> 00:17:47,834
Well, you're in a related field.
358
00:17:47,918 --> 00:17:49,001
Excuse me.
359
00:17:49,084 --> 00:17:52,376
Evil pope trying to get a word
in edgewise over here.
360
00:17:53,584 --> 00:17:56,001
-In your face!
-Agh!
361
00:17:56,084 --> 00:18:00,668
-Staedtler! Are you okay?
-The nuns in Catholic school were right.
362
00:18:00,751 --> 00:18:02,376
I'm going to hell!
363
00:18:02,459 --> 00:18:05,293
What? Would that make us
long-distance or--
364
00:18:05,376 --> 00:18:08,001
Guards! Banish these sinners to hell!
365
00:18:08,543 --> 00:18:10,709
No! Staedtler!
366
00:18:10,793 --> 00:18:12,168
I deserve this, Reagan.
367
00:18:12,251 --> 00:18:17,209
I scramble the brains of innocent people,
and I still quote Borat sometimes.
368
00:18:17,293 --> 00:18:18,626
[Reagan grunts]
369
00:18:18,709 --> 00:18:20,209
Look! A woman's ankle!
370
00:18:20,293 --> 00:18:21,209
[all gasp]
371
00:18:21,293 --> 00:18:24,293
Jesu Christo! Ankle-Improstituticus!
372
00:18:24,376 --> 00:18:26,459
-[guards yell]
-I'll come back for you!
373
00:18:27,376 --> 00:18:28,209
[Reagan yells]
374
00:18:28,959 --> 00:18:29,793
[grunts]
375
00:18:29,876 --> 00:18:31,876
[dramatic music plays]
376
00:18:35,376 --> 00:18:39,668
Hell, those Flamin' Hot Cheetos
commercials really nailed it.
377
00:18:43,418 --> 00:18:45,584
Only sinners may pass.
378
00:18:45,668 --> 00:18:48,001
I just hacked
into all your social media accounts.
379
00:18:48,084 --> 00:18:49,376
If you don't let me through,
380
00:18:49,459 --> 00:18:54,043
then I will tweet your entire
search history, Jesusdaddy69.
381
00:18:57,418 --> 00:18:59,668
Wow, that was just a lucky guess.
382
00:18:59,751 --> 00:19:04,876
-[screaming]
-Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.
383
00:19:04,959 --> 00:19:06,626
[tense music plays]
384
00:19:06,709 --> 00:19:09,168
No one tortures my team but me!
385
00:19:11,876 --> 00:19:14,459
Here's where you'll be detained.
386
00:19:14,543 --> 00:19:16,626
Unless your general bends the knee.
387
00:19:18,584 --> 00:19:21,668
I can't, and I won't!
388
00:19:21,751 --> 00:19:25,626
[gasps] TSA! Seize him!
Like a medium-to-large electronic device!
389
00:19:25,709 --> 00:19:27,334
[upbeat military music plays]
390
00:19:27,418 --> 00:19:29,251
-Whoa!
-Your flight's been canceled!
391
00:19:29,334 --> 00:19:31,959
-[groans]
-[Glenn] Prepare for a layover!
392
00:19:32,043 --> 00:19:33,751
Welcome to Hudson News!
393
00:19:33,834 --> 00:19:35,626
-[man groans]
-[Glenn yells]
394
00:19:35,709 --> 00:19:36,793
[screams]
395
00:19:36,876 --> 00:19:39,418
[Glenn laughs]
396
00:19:39,501 --> 00:19:41,876
Oh God! Retreat!
397
00:19:41,959 --> 00:19:43,793
[laughs maniacally]
398
00:19:44,793 --> 00:19:46,793
[sinister music plays]
399
00:19:49,293 --> 00:19:52,418
Level Nine, guilt-ridden kidnapees.
400
00:19:54,209 --> 00:19:56,918
Wow. It is Hieronymus up in this Bosch.
401
00:19:57,584 --> 00:19:59,501
And it's not just what I do for work.
402
00:19:59,584 --> 00:20:03,084
I used to return VHS tapes
without rewinding.
403
00:20:03,168 --> 00:20:04,584
I don't even know why.
404
00:20:04,668 --> 00:20:06,001
I'm like the Joker.
405
00:20:06,084 --> 00:20:08,668
Hey, uh, I'm supposed to tag you out?
406
00:20:08,751 --> 00:20:10,418
Oh, thank fucking Satan!
407
00:20:10,501 --> 00:20:14,293
This guy was just crying
over a ladybug he killed when he was six.
408
00:20:14,376 --> 00:20:16,126
Staedtler, we have to go.
409
00:20:16,876 --> 00:20:19,126
Reagan? I deserve this.
410
00:20:19,209 --> 00:20:23,918
I stole gum when I was four.
I coveted my neighbor's Sega Genesis.
411
00:20:24,001 --> 00:20:27,084
I'm the one who told Kanye about politics.
412
00:20:27,168 --> 00:20:29,584
You don't belong here. You're a great guy.
413
00:20:29,668 --> 00:20:31,001
I'm the screw-up.
414
00:20:31,084 --> 00:20:34,626
I liked you so much
that I invited you on this insane trip
415
00:20:34,709 --> 00:20:37,001
just to ask if you would be my boyfriend.
416
00:20:37,084 --> 00:20:39,293
Why didn't you just ask me in the closet?
417
00:20:39,376 --> 00:20:43,334
I was insecure and I…
I thought you'd say no.
418
00:20:43,418 --> 00:20:46,751
I definitely understand
if you don't want to date now, but I…
419
00:20:46,834 --> 00:20:48,251
I can't let you rot down here.
420
00:20:48,334 --> 00:20:50,168
I never said I didn't want to date you.
421
00:20:50,251 --> 00:20:52,501
I just assumed
you wouldn't want to date me.
422
00:20:52,584 --> 00:20:54,543
You're a brilliant scientist
423
00:20:54,626 --> 00:20:58,709
and I'm just a guy who's too fucked up
by the things I do for work
424
00:20:58,793 --> 00:21:00,126
to sleep at night.
425
00:21:00,209 --> 00:21:01,626
That's why I like you.
426
00:21:02,709 --> 00:21:03,543
[grunts]
427
00:21:04,168 --> 00:21:05,126
[Reagan grunts]
428
00:21:05,959 --> 00:21:08,209
You're the only one
who really sees through it all.
429
00:21:08,293 --> 00:21:10,584
So, I don't know,
maybe after we get out of here,
430
00:21:10,668 --> 00:21:12,293
when we stop that evil pope,
431
00:21:12,376 --> 00:21:14,293
we could be fucked up together?
432
00:21:14,376 --> 00:21:16,376
[gentle music plays]
433
00:21:18,959 --> 00:21:21,918
But premarital sex is so sinful.
434
00:21:22,001 --> 00:21:22,834
Uh-huh.
435
00:21:22,918 --> 00:21:24,418
And so hot.
436
00:21:25,501 --> 00:21:27,501
This is my crotch to bear.
437
00:21:28,001 --> 00:21:29,084
[both laugh]
438
00:21:29,168 --> 00:21:31,876
-[man screams]
-[creature roars]
439
00:21:32,793 --> 00:21:34,168
[grunting]
440
00:21:34,251 --> 00:21:38,418
[laughs] Just another Tuesday
for a military man!
441
00:21:39,001 --> 00:21:40,959
First of all, Glenn, it's Thursday.
442
00:21:41,043 --> 00:21:44,959
We only got tortured in the first place
thanks to your veteran dick-swinging.
443
00:21:45,043 --> 00:21:47,459
[Myc] Eat my ass, GI Jackoff!
444
00:21:47,543 --> 00:21:49,793
Why won't anyone respect me?
445
00:21:49,876 --> 00:21:51,543
Not so easy, is it, General?
446
00:21:51,626 --> 00:21:54,126
Now you know how the TSA feels.
447
00:21:54,918 --> 00:22:00,293
[sighs] I do respect your patriotism
and love of pointless rules.
448
00:22:00,376 --> 00:22:03,293
I can't make you
an official branch of the military,
449
00:22:03,376 --> 00:22:04,668
but I can give you these.
450
00:22:08,751 --> 00:22:10,043
Thank you, General.
451
00:22:10,126 --> 00:22:13,459
In fact, I think there's still time
for your squad to make that flight.
452
00:22:14,501 --> 00:22:16,084
-Rome, here we come!
-Rome, baby!
453
00:22:16,168 --> 00:22:17,793
[Myc] Untie us, assholes!
454
00:22:17,876 --> 00:22:20,959
Shame! Shame! Shame!
455
00:22:21,043 --> 00:22:22,876
Also guilt?
456
00:22:22,959 --> 00:22:24,293
Oh, Dio mio!
457
00:22:24,376 --> 00:22:26,334
[dramatic music plays]
458
00:22:26,418 --> 00:22:27,668
[Ron laughs]
459
00:22:28,334 --> 00:22:32,126
You know, I think there's
something to this Biz-Leasure thing.
460
00:22:32,209 --> 00:22:34,876
Ready to undamn Rome from hell?
461
00:22:34,959 --> 00:22:36,334
[upbeat music plays]
462
00:22:37,001 --> 00:22:42,043
♪ It makes my heart skip a beat
When you reach for me to hold ♪
463
00:22:42,126 --> 00:22:47,043
♪ Someone come to rescue me
Have mercy on my soul ♪
464
00:22:47,126 --> 00:22:48,418
♪ 'Cause I want ya ♪
465
00:22:48,501 --> 00:22:49,751
♪ And I need ya ♪
466
00:22:49,834 --> 00:22:53,459
♪ Do anything to please ya
Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
467
00:22:54,251 --> 00:22:56,001
♪ Can I call you baby? ♪
468
00:22:57,043 --> 00:22:59,251
The pope should chill out again
in a few hours.
469
00:22:59,334 --> 00:23:01,043
[tranquil music plays]
470
00:23:06,001 --> 00:23:08,709
Abortions! Get your abortions here!
471
00:23:09,293 --> 00:23:11,501
Ron, this day has been amazing.
472
00:23:11,584 --> 00:23:14,543
Should we do something
impulsive and romantic?
473
00:23:14,626 --> 00:23:16,084
Really? You mean--
474
00:23:17,251 --> 00:23:20,334
By the power vested in me by me,
475
00:23:20,418 --> 00:23:24,001
I now pronounce you two very good boys.
476
00:23:24,084 --> 00:23:26,543
You may now share a plate of spaghetti,
477
00:23:26,626 --> 00:23:29,251
which is Italian dog-romance custom.
478
00:23:30,418 --> 00:23:34,501
So I'm not just a boyfriend.
I'm like a wedding date boyfriend.
479
00:23:34,584 --> 00:23:37,001
Yeah. It's always good
to have someone at a wedding to…
480
00:23:37,084 --> 00:23:39,959
[both] Talk shit about everybody there.
481
00:23:45,668 --> 00:23:50,126
I think Jesus looks cut in his loincloth
and I can't tell if that's a sin or not!
482
00:23:51,293 --> 00:23:53,626
[jaunty music plays]
483
00:23:53,709 --> 00:23:56,001
Keep the weird European change.
484
00:23:56,084 --> 00:23:58,834
I'm gonna Instagram myself
holding up that leaning tower.
485
00:23:58,918 --> 00:24:00,793
[laughs] I bet no one's ever done that!
486
00:24:00,876 --> 00:24:03,459
I'm gonna find an organ grinder
with a monkey!
487
00:24:03,543 --> 00:24:07,376
I don't care what you do.
I'm just glad we are finally--
488
00:24:10,334 --> 00:24:11,334
[camera shutter clicks]
489
00:24:11,418 --> 00:24:13,876
We're gonna have to cover all this up,
aren't we?
490
00:24:13,959 --> 00:24:15,001
Goddamn it!
491
00:24:19,709 --> 00:24:21,626
[upbeat Italian music plays]
492
00:24:45,959 --> 00:24:49,626
Subtitle translation by: