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A NETFLIX SERIES
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[tapping on glass]
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[Mr. Hand] Gather round, Hand family.
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You've been summoned to Hand Manor
for our most cherished tradition,
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the annual ranking of the Hand children.
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Hear, hear!
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You have one minute to defend your value.
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Well, I just made partner at the firm,
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totally crushed
this greedy class action suit.
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It's every American's right
to own a wig factory that poisons a river.
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Taff?
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I've decided to end my seven-figure
modeling contract to pursue my hobby.
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Pediatric brain surgery.
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Our size zero
is turning into a hero. Brett?
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I have a new job too.
It-It's super important.
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I just can't talk about it
or the nanobots will explode my brain.
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Ah, yes, your "classified" job.
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[groans] I blame myself.
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For not adequately blaming
the staff we hired to raise you.
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You've always been an embarrassment.
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Luckily we have Jagg here
to carry the family name.
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My campaign for senator
airs its first commercial
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on Patriot News this week.
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Called it.
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This campaign could not exist
without all of your help.
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-[Taff] Of course!
-[Matt] We love you, bro.
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Wait, you're all working
on Jagg's campaign?
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Why didn't anybody ask me to help?
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With what?
Slowly draining your "trust fund"?
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Shrewsbury, up top!
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Savage burn, sir.
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Uh, no offense, Brett, but you've always
been kind of a spineless yes man.
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Oh, come on. I'm not spineless.
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The doctor said
my spine is just huggably soft.
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Well, Muffy just had puppies.
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So that puts her in a tie for fourth.
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Shall we vote?
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All in favor of Muffy in fourth?
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Aye!
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[sighs] Aye.
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Break out the will.
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-That dog is getting a house in Cape Cod.
-[bell rings]
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[string orchestral music plays]
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[upbeat music plays]
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[military music plays]
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Tonight, sexting.
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Are dirty messages distracting your teen
from studying their assault rifle?
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Right again, Danica.
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But first, are you sick of liberals
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telling you you can't eat
an entire drum of fructose corn syrup?
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even massive lethal amounts of fructose.
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Consume.
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-Consume, consume, consume, consume.
-Consume, consume, consume, consume.
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-Consume, consume, consume.
-Consume, consume, consume.
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Now you, conflicting viewpoint, you're up.
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Whatever Patriot News just said was wrong.
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Here are some synonyms to wrong.
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Scurrilous,
malfease-escent, incorrectitude.
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What matters most is
that we all come together and eat quinoa.
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Consume, consume.
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Oh, I love cable news.
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It's like watching the apocalypse
in slow motion.
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Imagine if outraged viewers on both sides
knew the truth about the Gigi-run media.
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Uh, our conspiracies
aren't gonna cover up themselves.
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That's why my department
creates meaningless controversies
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to distract the country from the truth.
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Like that you and your new boy toy
almost leveled Rome on a sexcapade.
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[bell rings]
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[Gigi] When we come back, get flirtier.
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I want to see sparks.
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[electricity crackles]
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Ugh. He's doing the thing again!
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I thought you said robotic male co-hosts
would be cheaper.
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When you factor in the sexual harassment
suits from human anchormen,
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we still save money.
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When I decided to run for Senate,
it wasn't for the elites in Washington.
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I did it for what matters.
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Family. Whether it's your family,
or mine right here.
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Ah, we're sure proud of you, bro.
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Thanks, Brett.
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[laughs] Uh, awesome.
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What? Your family recast you
in an ad about the importance of family?
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Well, Jagg said
Wheelchair Brett tested better.
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I know that you got here
by being a yes man.
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[laughs] Why do people keep saying that?
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But that commercial should piss you off!
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Absolutely agree. Hundred percent.
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-[screaming]
-Do something!
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What does pro-death even mean?
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Today's sponsor is Tubbo's Pizza.
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Stuff your crust, stuff your casket.
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Where am I supposed to find
another camera-ready white man
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who can talk for hours
without actually saying anything?
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[Brett] Really? Everything bagels?
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[laughs] Get real. I can name at least
a thousand things not on this bagel.
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Legos, fingers, time itself…
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[gasps] My God!
Non-threatening, all-American.
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The Comic Sans of people. Brett!
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Me, a news anchor?
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But my parents watch Patriot News 24/7.
What if I say the wrong thing?
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Everyone's dream is to be on TV.
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Actually, my dream was to--
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[groans] I'm already bored.
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Perhaps I can offer my assistance.
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By compiling thousands of hours
of news footage,
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I can generate a script
that's boomer catnip,
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and I am hungry
to get back into the political arena.
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Well, I guess your scripts
couldn't be worse than Glenn's.
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I write what's in my heart, which is fear,
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and according to the doctors,
a new type of cholesterol.
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Intern, Tubbo's pizza me.
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Brett, Reagan, 60 seconds!
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Hurry! We're on in five, four…
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Don't shank this, pretty boy.
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[gulps]
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Vegetarianism's a slippery slope
to cows taking over
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and eating America's beloved golf courses.
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I like my meat
the way I like my toxic waste.
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Ignored by safety inspectors.
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And if we really believe in freedom,
shouldn't guns be allowed to vote?
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Wow, you've finally done it.
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Artificial unintelligence.
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Would anyone even fall for this crap?
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Guns should vote!
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Finally, someone brave enough to say it.
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That's our show.
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[Gigi sighs] That's commercial.
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[sighs] Was that okay?
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Look at these views!
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You're like Captain America fucked
Steve McQueen fucked Lightning McQueen!
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[laughs] Kachow!
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How would you like to permanently co-host?
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We've got something here, Brett,
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and your chest is somehow
harder than the robot's.
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Well, if it'll make you guys happy
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and it'll impress my parents,
I guess I'm in.
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Finally. I have my own puppet.
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Phase one, a signature look
that also serves as merchandise.
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And if I want to shoot endangered animals
out of catapults on my own gold farm,
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it's my right!
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I like this nice, young man.
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Heckin' right.
Someone who respects freedom.
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And soon, hopefully,
a gun's right to marry another gun.
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You'll be wed soon, my pretties.
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[kissing noises]
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Phase two. Appeal to their emotions.
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Fear, fear, fear.
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-Fear, fear, fear.
-Fear, fear, fear.
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Finally, a beacon of hope.
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From now on, I'm gonna let
my screaming do the talking.
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And for the coup de grâce,
an inane catchphrase. Something like…
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Bretts get ready to rumble!
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America, you have a Brett-shaped hole
in your heart
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and I am here to fill your Brett hole.
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It might just be my pills talking,
but I think that's our son.
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Brett on Patriot News?
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Shrewsbury, unblock his phone number
and get him on the line.
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Everybody, hide! Rupert's on the warpath.
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He's killing people with his bare hands.
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For once, this is
not inflammatory hyperbole!
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[screaming]
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Thank God for these doors
that lock from the inside.
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-[woman screams]
-[all gasp]
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I smell opportunity.
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[sniffs] And fucking Sumatran blend?
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No. No, no, no.
I-I swear I ordered Kenyan!
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Ha! I'm fucking with you, intern.
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Go clean my car. I think someone threw up
in the driver's seat this morning.
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Whoa!
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[cell phone buzzes]
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Mom and Dad watch every night.
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For realio?
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It's not easy to say this, but we're…
[sighs] We're… Shrewsbury!
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They are proud of you, sir.
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[Mr. Hand] This changes everything.
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You've just been promoted
to number two son.
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Wheelchair Brett, you're fired.
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[Wheelchair Brett yells]
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Matt, you're number three now.
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Your new friends are Luke Hemsworth
and Tom Franco.
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No. No. No!
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[gasps and screams]
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And then Jagg asked me to open for him
at campaign rallies.
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For the first time in my life,
I'm finally part of the family.
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Brett, get ready to go to war
with your family.
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You're running for senator.
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[gulps and laughs awkwardly]
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Huh. I always thought
that was a supply closet.
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It's those crazy Backhanders
you've been whipping up on Patriot News.
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But we already own the president
and 49% of Congress.
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Exactly. If you win,
Cognito will fully rule America.
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But, sir, my family
just started respecting me and--
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Can it! I pay you to talk, not to talk.
Gigi, you're on media.
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I'm gonna soundbite the nation's dick off.
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Myc, you're the cutthroat
campaign manager.
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[Myc] Is that literal? How much power
are we talking about here?
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Glenn, you're the injured veteran
who we trot out as a prop for sympathy.
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I don't want your pity.
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00:10:39,376 --> 00:10:41,084
Andre, you're probably a millennial.
200
00:10:41,168 --> 00:10:43,793
Go to college campuses
and drum up the youth vote.
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00:10:43,876 --> 00:10:47,001
You know millennials
are, like, pushing 40 now, right?
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00:10:47,084 --> 00:10:50,626
And I'll be the power behind the scenes
with my four-dimensional chess.
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00:10:50,709 --> 00:10:52,876
I can take my manipulation to the next--
[groans]
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You're the doorstop.
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00:10:54,126 --> 00:10:58,043
What? This is an outrage.
I should have let Bear-O destroy you all.
206
00:10:58,126 --> 00:10:59,001
[sighs]
207
00:10:59,084 --> 00:11:03,084
Okay, Dad. What's your real reason for
getting involved in this one dumb race?
208
00:11:05,334 --> 00:11:09,834
The Neglectfully Excommunicated Exes
Date You Act?
209
00:11:09,918 --> 00:11:15,334
It legally requires all divorced couples
to go on a romantic date once a month.
210
00:11:15,418 --> 00:11:17,668
Sex optional. Don't want to overreach.
211
00:11:17,751 --> 00:11:22,043
So you're gonna overthrow the government
just to make Mom tolerate a date with you?
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00:11:22,126 --> 00:11:23,626
Democracy in action.
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00:11:27,126 --> 00:11:28,543
Brett, Brett, Brett!
214
00:11:28,626 --> 00:11:31,209
[groans] Can't we make the intern do this?
215
00:11:31,293 --> 00:11:34,418
Interns don't have
self-moistening blowholes.
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00:11:34,501 --> 00:11:35,959
Stop talking about your holes.
217
00:11:36,043 --> 00:11:38,084
I'm on the line
with my old sweatshop connects
218
00:11:38,168 --> 00:11:41,668
trying to get these
"Keep Jobs in America" hats on the cheap.
219
00:11:41,751 --> 00:11:43,043
Xin Zhao, Nike.
220
00:11:43,126 --> 00:11:44,251
Where the hell is Brett?
221
00:11:46,209 --> 00:11:47,584
-[knocking on door]
-Come on, man.
222
00:11:51,501 --> 00:11:55,251
[sighs] You're right, Reagan.
Time to face the FaceTime.
223
00:11:55,334 --> 00:11:57,834
This FaceTime, it's personal.
224
00:11:57,918 --> 00:11:59,751
What the fuck are you thinking?
225
00:11:59,834 --> 00:12:02,043
Destroying your brother's
political legacy.
226
00:12:02,126 --> 00:12:03,459
What are you, a Bush?
227
00:12:03,543 --> 00:12:05,126
I swear it wasn't my idea!
228
00:12:05,209 --> 00:12:07,001
Drop out or we'll disown you.
229
00:12:07,084 --> 00:12:08,376
Fix this, Brett.
230
00:12:08,459 --> 00:12:11,501
Or you'll be as dead to us
as the fourth Hand brother, Chad.
231
00:12:11,584 --> 00:12:13,501
-Wait, who?
-I've said too much.
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00:12:13,584 --> 00:12:18,251
[gasps] If I win, my dad hates me.
But if I quit the race, your dad hates me.
233
00:12:18,334 --> 00:12:20,126
There's so many dads!
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00:12:21,584 --> 00:12:22,501
[Brett whimpers]
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00:12:22,584 --> 00:12:24,334
You know what? Fuck our parents.
236
00:12:24,418 --> 00:12:26,668
What if we secretly sabotage
your campaign?
237
00:12:26,751 --> 00:12:28,084
The Deep State wants you to win,
238
00:12:28,168 --> 00:12:30,376
but we can form
an even deeper state to lose.
239
00:12:30,459 --> 00:12:31,751
You'd do that for me?
240
00:12:31,834 --> 00:12:35,543
Of course. Get ready to join
the deepest state there is. Friendship.
241
00:12:37,459 --> 00:12:39,209
Brett Hand for Senate!
242
00:12:40,459 --> 00:12:42,626
You want me to help you lose the election?
243
00:12:42,709 --> 00:12:45,793
But I've worked so hard
to create the perfect candidate.
244
00:12:45,876 --> 00:12:48,084
Look, if I could destroy
my political puppet,
245
00:12:48,168 --> 00:12:49,459
you can take down yours.
246
00:12:49,543 --> 00:12:52,626
Come on, Alpha-Beta, destroy me.
I'm just begging for it.
247
00:12:52,709 --> 00:12:55,084
It's somehow less fun when you want it,
248
00:12:55,168 --> 00:12:59,043
but I do have an encyclopedic recall
of every career-ending political scandal.
249
00:12:59,126 --> 00:13:01,459
Okay, Brett, let's ruin your life.
250
00:13:01,543 --> 00:13:03,626
Oh, thank God. Where do we start?
251
00:13:06,876 --> 00:13:08,501
Can't go wrong with the classics.
252
00:13:13,918 --> 00:13:15,918
[dominatrix] What are you into, bad boy?
253
00:13:16,001 --> 00:13:17,293
Whatever you're into.
254
00:13:17,376 --> 00:13:21,251
Well, I'd be into getting more respect
from society at large.
255
00:13:21,334 --> 00:13:23,834
You know, I'm…
I'm sorry. I'm talking about myself.
256
00:13:23,918 --> 00:13:26,834
No, no, no, no, no. I'm here to listen.
257
00:13:32,459 --> 00:13:35,418
I couldn't help it.
The solution just seemed so obvious.
258
00:13:40,334 --> 00:13:43,334
Can you grab a photo of me
snorting this maple-flavored cocaine?
259
00:13:43,418 --> 00:13:47,543
Hey, helping out is what
being a drug lord's all about, eh?
260
00:13:47,626 --> 00:13:49,376
Okay, here goes.
261
00:13:49,459 --> 00:13:53,376
I've only sniffed Crayola markers before,
but this can't be that different, right?
262
00:13:54,418 --> 00:13:56,793
[sneezes]
263
00:13:59,334 --> 00:14:00,459
Wow, you did it!
264
00:14:00,543 --> 00:14:04,418
You took out Infamous Canadian drug lord
Tony "Maple Leaf" O'Malley!
265
00:14:04,501 --> 00:14:05,751
I did what now?
266
00:14:06,418 --> 00:14:09,918
Wow! A key to the city of Toronto.
Wow, man, that's like oh shit.
267
00:14:10,001 --> 00:14:11,751
This feels like a boss key, like in Zelda.
268
00:14:11,834 --> 00:14:15,043
What are you, Ganon? Who's thirsty?
I could go for some water.
269
00:14:15,126 --> 00:14:16,459
Let's talk about water.
270
00:14:19,376 --> 00:14:21,709
to put out the fires in California?
271
00:14:21,793 --> 00:14:25,168
They were really nice about it,
and I just felt too bad to correct them.
272
00:14:35,751 --> 00:14:39,751
Well, when I'm senator, I'm slashing
health benefits for veterans like this.
273
00:14:39,834 --> 00:14:40,668
[gasping]
274
00:14:40,751 --> 00:14:45,251
To be clear, I, Brett Hand,
think veterans are dumb babies.
275
00:14:45,834 --> 00:14:47,334
What the hell, Brett?
276
00:14:47,418 --> 00:14:50,834
I moistened 10,000 expired stamps for you.
277
00:14:50,918 --> 00:14:51,959
[burps]
278
00:14:52,043 --> 00:14:53,418
So many stamps.
279
00:14:54,126 --> 00:14:57,251
Glenn! Don't worry.
I learned Dolphin CPR at SeaWorld.
280
00:14:57,834 --> 00:15:01,084
[Myc] Huh. Always figured if Glenn died
from a Seinfeld plot line,
281
00:15:01,168 --> 00:15:03,126
it would've been the no jacking off one.
282
00:15:03,209 --> 00:15:04,418
[dramatic music plays]
283
00:15:04,501 --> 00:15:05,418
[Brett blows]
284
00:15:05,501 --> 00:15:06,334
[Glenn gasps]
285
00:15:06,418 --> 00:15:07,751
[Glenn gags]
286
00:15:07,834 --> 00:15:09,501
[woman] He can walk again!
287
00:15:09,584 --> 00:15:13,168
This man supports the Marines
and aquamarines.
288
00:15:13,251 --> 00:15:16,126
[woman] We love you, Brett!
You can do no wrong!
289
00:15:16,209 --> 00:15:18,043
Un-fucking-believable.
290
00:15:21,584 --> 00:15:25,334
You somehow even landed the youth vote.
How the hell did that happen?
291
00:15:25,418 --> 00:15:26,293
[dance music plays]
292
00:15:30,793 --> 00:15:34,918
Offshore accounts, bailouts.
You can get away with anything!
293
00:15:35,001 --> 00:15:37,209
If you really want
to get back at your parents,
294
00:15:37,293 --> 00:15:40,334
vote with them
against all their interests.
295
00:15:41,459 --> 00:15:43,876
Nothing matters but the self!
296
00:15:43,959 --> 00:15:48,626
[groans] My family is gonna disown me
for destroying Jagg's chances.
297
00:15:48,709 --> 00:15:51,793
I need a bigger scandal.
Why don't scandals work anymore?
298
00:15:51,876 --> 00:15:54,084
You've entered the modern
"infallible zone."
299
00:15:54,168 --> 00:15:55,626
People don't give a shit anymore.
300
00:15:55,709 --> 00:15:58,043
As long as you're their guy,
you're bulletproof.
301
00:16:03,084 --> 00:16:06,043
We'll fake Brett's death
and once the election is over, come clean.
302
00:16:06,126 --> 00:16:11,084
Oh, right. Because faking your own death
worked out so well last time, Reagan.
303
00:16:11,168 --> 00:16:12,376
Redundant much?
304
00:16:12,459 --> 00:16:15,251
We can't afford originality
right now, Alpha-Beta.
305
00:16:15,334 --> 00:16:19,709
-We need to kill Brett to save Brett.
-I know exactly how I want to die.
306
00:16:19,793 --> 00:16:21,751
Just like my grandfather.
307
00:16:31,501 --> 00:16:32,959
Damn it. Brett's dead?
308
00:16:33,043 --> 00:16:37,293
Well. This is why I collect blood samples.
Fire up some Brett clones, DupliKate.
309
00:16:38,626 --> 00:16:40,043
[machine beeps]
310
00:16:40,126 --> 00:16:43,668
I can't believe it.
His DNA is too average to replicate.
311
00:16:43,751 --> 00:16:44,751
Horrifying.
312
00:16:44,834 --> 00:16:48,001
Hm. Something's fishy.
And for once, it's not Glenn.
313
00:16:48,084 --> 00:16:49,959
I could run for senator. [gasps]
314
00:16:50,043 --> 00:16:52,959
Why don't you run
for a less dry sandwich, shithead?
315
00:16:53,043 --> 00:16:54,334
Thank you, sir. I love it, sir.
316
00:17:07,376 --> 00:17:10,001
No! No, no! Brett!
317
00:17:12,834 --> 00:17:16,543
Ever wondered why your Medicare
covers your nether regions,
318
00:17:16,626 --> 00:17:20,959
but not the undercarriage
of the one you love the most?
319
00:17:24,543 --> 00:17:26,709
Swing Low, Sweet Chariots.
320
00:17:27,959 --> 00:17:28,959
[sustained beep]
321
00:17:29,043 --> 00:17:30,293
You're done, Danica.
322
00:17:30,376 --> 00:17:34,334
Cable news only pushes conspiracies
that help our corporate sponsors.
323
00:17:34,418 --> 00:17:35,918
I know Brett's here somewhere.
324
00:17:36,001 --> 00:17:38,334
I can still smell his Axe Body Spray!
325
00:17:38,418 --> 00:17:40,876
Let go of me! Brett! No!
326
00:17:40,959 --> 00:17:44,959
[Myc] Is Brett really gone?
Am I the hottest guy in the office again?
327
00:17:45,043 --> 00:17:48,293
I don't buy it. People fake their deaths
like office birthdays around here.
328
00:17:48,376 --> 00:17:51,251
I think we got a Russian nesting doll
of deeper states going on.
329
00:17:51,334 --> 00:17:53,543
And Gigi is gonna sniff it out.
330
00:17:56,459 --> 00:17:58,876
To honor the light
he brought into our lives,
331
00:17:58,959 --> 00:18:00,376
the extended Hand family,
332
00:18:00,459 --> 00:18:03,543
myself, Taff, Matt,
and our various unnamed cousins…
333
00:18:03,626 --> 00:18:06,709
I want to say Brad. Maybe a Brad in there.
334
00:18:06,793 --> 00:18:07,626
Yes.
335
00:18:07,709 --> 00:18:11,793
…will hold a private memorial
slash candlelight touch football game
336
00:18:11,876 --> 00:18:13,834
on our family compound.
337
00:18:13,918 --> 00:18:16,293
"Beloved," "honor," "respect."
338
00:18:16,376 --> 00:18:18,293
This is all I've ever wanted!
339
00:18:18,376 --> 00:18:21,168
Do you think they'll mix my ashes
with their favorite horses'?
340
00:18:21,251 --> 00:18:24,751
Sure, if that's what a normal
insane rich family would do.
341
00:18:24,834 --> 00:18:27,251
This death is the best day of my life!
342
00:18:27,751 --> 00:18:29,334
[reporters shout]
343
00:18:29,418 --> 00:18:31,834
Yes, you, the guy who looks like
he owns a snake.
344
00:18:34,751 --> 00:18:38,459
I read on my own website
that the Hand family assassinated Brett
345
00:18:38,543 --> 00:18:40,293
to keep him from beating you.
346
00:18:40,376 --> 00:18:43,459
That's less of a question
and more of an accusation!
347
00:18:43,543 --> 00:18:45,626
Go to hell in a handbasket, traitors!
348
00:18:45,709 --> 00:18:46,626
[yelling]
349
00:18:47,293 --> 00:18:49,293
Uh, okay, no more questions.
350
00:18:49,793 --> 00:18:53,043
Look at that outpouring of love
from both sides.
351
00:18:53,126 --> 00:18:54,584
Oh, they love you, all right.
352
00:18:57,293 --> 00:18:58,293
Those idiots.
353
00:18:58,376 --> 00:19:00,168
The Hands didn't kill Brett.
354
00:19:00,251 --> 00:19:02,834
Why are conspiracy theorists always wrong?
355
00:19:02,918 --> 00:19:06,793
Whoever's behind this probably killed
Harold the head of the flat-Earthers,
356
00:19:06,876 --> 00:19:08,334
and Jeff Bezos.
357
00:19:08,418 --> 00:19:10,918
Okay. Yeah. That was us.
Broken clocks, right?
358
00:19:11,001 --> 00:19:12,376
I wouldn't worry about your family.
359
00:19:12,459 --> 00:19:16,126
Which is why tonight the Hand family
will get what's coming to 'em.
360
00:19:16,209 --> 00:19:19,793
We are now taking GoFundMe donations
for a guillotine.
361
00:19:19,876 --> 00:19:21,168
[dramatic music crescendos]
362
00:19:24,251 --> 00:19:25,584
[grunting]
363
00:19:25,668 --> 00:19:27,293
Why we gotta all wear black?
364
00:19:27,376 --> 00:19:29,626
It makes it hard to know
which one of us I am.
365
00:19:29,709 --> 00:19:31,584
'Cause somebody died, moron.
366
00:19:31,668 --> 00:19:32,793
Hut, hut, hut!
367
00:19:33,751 --> 00:19:36,293
Hey, have some respect.
368
00:19:36,376 --> 00:19:39,209
I can't believe that guy's number two
at Goldman Sachs.
369
00:19:42,043 --> 00:19:44,168
The Backhanders are at Home Depot
getting pitchforks.
370
00:19:44,251 --> 00:19:45,959
We have to warn your family.
371
00:19:46,043 --> 00:19:48,626
We'll send in drones.
I just need a high vantage point.
372
00:19:48,709 --> 00:19:52,084
Like that?
Little Brett's pimptastic tree fort.
373
00:19:52,168 --> 00:19:54,084
It was featured on MTV's Cribs Junior,
374
00:19:54,168 --> 00:19:57,168
which was sadly cancelled
after the 2008 junior housing crisis.
375
00:19:57,251 --> 00:20:00,084
They built you a tree house
outside the property?
376
00:20:00,168 --> 00:20:01,876
It has a zip line to the main house,
377
00:20:01,959 --> 00:20:03,959
which I was told to only use
for emergencies.
378
00:20:04,043 --> 00:20:06,626
Okay? Yeah. I… I do hear it. It's bad.
379
00:20:08,501 --> 00:20:11,043
-Whoa.
-[Brett] Pimptastic, am I right?
380
00:20:11,126 --> 00:20:12,918
What is all this stuff?
381
00:20:13,001 --> 00:20:15,043
You never said you like crafting.
382
00:20:20,584 --> 00:20:23,959
but my dad told me
it would bring shame to the family name
383
00:20:24,043 --> 00:20:26,209
so I put puppeteering on the back burner.
384
00:20:26,293 --> 00:20:29,418
Well, except for on behalf
of the shadow government. [laughs]
385
00:20:29,501 --> 00:20:31,793
Back burner? Then what the hell is this?
386
00:20:32,543 --> 00:20:34,543
Oh, I made that one
when I was home for Christmas.
387
00:20:34,626 --> 00:20:37,459
'Sup, bros? The name is Lil Brett,
388
00:20:37,543 --> 00:20:41,376
and the game is helping Brett process
his fuh-fuh-fuh feelings!
389
00:20:41,459 --> 00:20:42,584
[imitates an air horn]
390
00:20:42,668 --> 00:20:44,376
Damn. If I'd known about all this,
391
00:20:44,459 --> 00:20:47,084
we could have destroyed your candidacy
in minutes.
392
00:20:47,168 --> 00:20:49,334
Hey, we all have our coping mechanisms.
393
00:20:49,418 --> 00:20:51,293
"Hand family in danger."
394
00:20:53,334 --> 00:20:55,543
[drone] Condolences, Hand family.
395
00:20:55,626 --> 00:20:57,626
Lock doors. Call police.
396
00:20:57,709 --> 00:21:00,959
Perfect. That's way less creepy
than their son being alive.
397
00:21:01,043 --> 00:21:02,043
Uh, guys.
398
00:21:02,126 --> 00:21:04,126
[dramatic music plays]
399
00:21:06,334 --> 00:21:07,334
Huh?
400
00:21:07,418 --> 00:21:10,668
Oh God, it's the Backhanders!
How did they find this place?
401
00:21:10,751 --> 00:21:13,043
-Reddit.
-Why is it always Reddit?
402
00:21:13,126 --> 00:21:15,543
Deploy containment net on intruders!
403
00:21:15,626 --> 00:21:17,751
[dramatic music continues]
404
00:21:19,334 --> 00:21:22,459
These rich MF-ers even got robot birds.
405
00:21:22,543 --> 00:21:23,876
Kidnap the Hands!
406
00:21:23,959 --> 00:21:25,626
Get them to admit the truth!
407
00:21:25,709 --> 00:21:27,001
Get off our property!
408
00:21:27,084 --> 00:21:28,793
Never. Brett was one of us.
409
00:21:28,876 --> 00:21:32,501
A regular Joe giving it to the elites
in the lame-stream media.
410
00:21:32,584 --> 00:21:34,043
Hut, hut, hut.
411
00:21:35,001 --> 00:21:36,168
[grunting]
412
00:21:38,418 --> 00:21:40,668
Jesus, Brett,
they're gonna tear each other apart.
413
00:21:40,751 --> 00:21:42,501
You need to go and put an end to this.
414
00:21:42,584 --> 00:21:44,001
But what about Jagg's election?
415
00:21:44,084 --> 00:21:47,334
Who cares? If you don't do something,
they'll kill Jagg.
416
00:21:47,418 --> 00:21:50,334
Um, uh… Alpha-Beta.
You always know what to say.
417
00:21:50,418 --> 00:21:52,793
There are too many.
They're all angry at different things.
418
00:21:52,876 --> 00:21:55,084
Look at their shirts. "Criminalize laws."
419
00:21:55,168 --> 00:21:58,959
"Save the whales, but kill all the bees."
"My other Volkswagen is an assault rifle."
420
00:21:59,043 --> 00:22:01,418
What the fuck does that even mean?
Libertarians make no sense.
421
00:22:01,501 --> 00:22:03,501
You need to stop being the yes man.
422
00:22:03,584 --> 00:22:05,751
Go down there and tell them all no.
423
00:22:05,834 --> 00:22:07,543
I… I can't.
424
00:22:08,959 --> 00:22:11,168
But I might know someone who can.
425
00:22:11,251 --> 00:22:13,668
-God. Please don't.
-You'll only get them murdered quicker.
426
00:22:15,043 --> 00:22:15,876
[exhales]
427
00:22:15,959 --> 00:22:17,668
[dramatic music plays]
428
00:22:17,751 --> 00:22:19,168
[Brett yells]
429
00:22:19,251 --> 00:22:20,501
[everyone gasps]
430
00:22:20,584 --> 00:22:22,793
Praise Brett! We did it!
431
00:22:22,876 --> 00:22:24,959
This proves the conspiracy is real.
432
00:22:25,043 --> 00:22:26,918
Maybe all conspiracies are real.
433
00:22:27,001 --> 00:22:27,918
Oh, that's not good.
434
00:22:28,001 --> 00:22:31,668
Brett. Thank God you're alive
to help your brother.
435
00:22:31,751 --> 00:22:34,751
Tell your foam-handed cyber hicks
to stand down and vote for Jagg.
436
00:22:34,834 --> 00:22:36,418
Yes, Dad. You're absolutely right.
437
00:22:36,501 --> 00:22:39,918
You have a duty to the Back Hand nation
to resume your campaign!
438
00:22:40,001 --> 00:22:41,959
I couldn't agree more.
439
00:22:42,043 --> 00:22:44,168
-What is he trying to say?
-Pick a lane.
440
00:22:44,251 --> 00:22:46,834
This is why I didn't want you
on my campaign.
441
00:22:46,918 --> 00:22:48,918
You are totally spineless!
442
00:22:50,084 --> 00:22:52,293
[growls]
443
00:22:52,376 --> 00:22:55,001
So am I!
444
00:22:55,084 --> 00:22:56,334
[everyone gasps]
445
00:22:56,418 --> 00:22:58,459
S'up bitches, Lil Brett here.
446
00:22:58,543 --> 00:23:01,376
I'mma tell you
how my boy Brett really feels.
447
00:23:01,459 --> 00:23:04,543
You people just wanted your own ideas
shouted back at you,
448
00:23:04,626 --> 00:23:06,251
and they're all terrible!
449
00:23:06,334 --> 00:23:08,376
Call your moms and delete Facebook.
450
00:23:08,459 --> 00:23:11,751
And you only started caring about Brett
when you thought he was useful.
451
00:23:11,834 --> 00:23:14,834
Well, Lil Brett says get stuffed.
452
00:23:14,918 --> 00:23:17,334
Brett is done trying to please everybody,
453
00:23:17,418 --> 00:23:21,376
which means I've taught you
everything I could, Brett.
454
00:23:21,459 --> 00:23:22,709
-It's time.
-What?
455
00:23:22,834 --> 00:23:24,293
-[Lil Brett moans]
-Oh, no! Lil Brett.
456
00:23:24,376 --> 00:23:25,584
Don't go towards the light.
457
00:23:25,668 --> 00:23:28,168
[gasps and splutters]
458
00:23:28,251 --> 00:23:31,834
No! No! Lil Brett, don't leave me.
I'm not strong enough without you.
459
00:23:31,918 --> 00:23:33,709
Don't you dare leave me.
460
00:23:33,793 --> 00:23:38,459
So he learned self-esteem
from his own puppet and now it's dead?
461
00:23:38,543 --> 00:23:41,334
The puppet has become the puppet master.
462
00:23:41,418 --> 00:23:43,001
I guess. I… I… I can't follow.
463
00:23:44,084 --> 00:23:45,959
I'm done letting others talk for me.
464
00:23:46,043 --> 00:23:48,251
I'm done with you and done with Jagg.
465
00:23:48,334 --> 00:23:50,501
I'm gonna do what Brett wants.
466
00:23:50,584 --> 00:23:54,834
To go home and buy the domain name
for HandPuppetsbyBrett.com.
467
00:23:54,918 --> 00:23:57,084
Brett cares about puppets?
468
00:23:57,168 --> 00:24:00,626
That is, uh, the one dot I cannot connect.
469
00:24:00,709 --> 00:24:01,751
Yeah, that's creepy.
470
00:24:01,834 --> 00:24:02,793
He's an adult man.
471
00:24:02,876 --> 00:24:06,543
I'm too confused to be angry.
And that makes me angry!
472
00:24:08,418 --> 00:24:14,584
Brett, I am happy to run unopposed.
You heard him, right? No take-backs.
473
00:24:14,668 --> 00:24:17,459
It appears everything
has somehow been resolved.
474
00:24:17,543 --> 00:24:20,168
I cannot think
of any dangling threads we've missed.
475
00:24:20,251 --> 00:24:24,043
And we managed to get through a mission
without killer robots, or monsters,
476
00:24:24,126 --> 00:24:26,959
or some last-minute bananas twist.
477
00:24:27,043 --> 00:24:30,959
Live from Hand Manor,
Danica is here to save you, Brett!
478
00:24:31,043 --> 00:24:32,168
Ah, there it is.
479
00:24:33,126 --> 00:24:34,501
[gasps]
480
00:24:34,584 --> 00:24:37,168
No!
481
00:24:37,668 --> 00:24:39,293
-[everyone gasps]
-Oh, no!
482
00:24:39,376 --> 00:24:41,793
How could I
accidentally shoot a loved one?
483
00:24:41,876 --> 00:24:45,918
When you own a gun, there's only
a 72% chance of that happening!
484
00:24:46,001 --> 00:24:48,751
Hut, hut, hut. Touchdown!
485
00:24:49,584 --> 00:24:53,418
Brett. You've sullied the family name
with your antics,
486
00:24:53,501 --> 00:24:55,793
but you've also saved your brother's life.
487
00:24:55,876 --> 00:24:58,459
So I'm demoting Jagg to son number three
for being weak.
488
00:24:59,043 --> 00:25:00,293
-What?
-[Brett gasps]
489
00:25:00,376 --> 00:25:02,668
Am I… Am I son number one?
490
00:25:02,751 --> 00:25:05,084
I'm keeping that position open for now.
491
00:25:05,626 --> 00:25:06,834
Attaboy, Brett.
492
00:25:06,918 --> 00:25:08,876
[gentle music plays]
493
00:25:10,584 --> 00:25:11,834
Don't worry about Rand.
494
00:25:11,918 --> 00:25:14,043
I'll take the flak
for the deeper state debacle.
495
00:25:14,126 --> 00:25:17,126
-It's okay. We can handle it.
-[Reagan chuckles]
496
00:25:17,626 --> 00:25:22,293
It's a miracle. Tamiko has responded yes
to my summons for a date.
497
00:25:22,376 --> 00:25:24,668
[chuckles] Brett,
you're alive again. That's nice.
498
00:25:24,751 --> 00:25:27,209
Wait. How did you
get your stupid legislation passed
499
00:25:27,293 --> 00:25:28,584
without Brett in the Senate?
500
00:25:28,668 --> 00:25:29,876
[laughs]
501
00:25:29,959 --> 00:25:32,959
You think Brett was the only politician
I was betting on?
502
00:25:33,043 --> 00:25:37,209
Once I got wind you three dipshits
were deeper stating us,
503
00:25:37,293 --> 00:25:41,501
we formed an even deeper deeper state
and backed another candidate,
504
00:25:41,584 --> 00:25:45,084
the focus group-approved man
the camera can't help but love.
505
00:25:47,501 --> 00:25:50,293
Wheelchair Brett from Jagg's commercial?
506
00:25:50,376 --> 00:25:54,084
-Huh. I guess he really did test better.
-Then this was all for nothing?
507
00:25:54,168 --> 00:25:56,043
I want a raise, motherfucker!
508
00:25:56,126 --> 00:25:58,043
Shh! Don't rock the boat, Lil Brett.
509
00:25:58,126 --> 00:26:00,126
Oh, you want to double-cross me?
510
00:26:00,209 --> 00:26:02,918
I have seen shit, Brett.
I'm not the most shameful thing
511
00:26:03,001 --> 00:26:05,001
you learned to do with your hands
in that tree house.
512
00:26:05,084 --> 00:26:06,793
-Oh God.
-This is a workplace.
513
00:26:06,876 --> 00:26:09,043
Reagan! He's too empowered.
Cut off my hand.
514
00:26:09,126 --> 00:26:11,084
I'd like to see you bitches try.
515
00:26:11,168 --> 00:26:13,751
This is Lil Brett's world.
You're all just living in it.
516
00:26:13,834 --> 00:26:15,668
-[Reagan] Okay.
-[Lil Brett] Back off, Ponytail.
517
00:26:15,751 --> 00:26:17,793
I'll eat you like a piranha
from the ankles up.
518
00:26:17,876 --> 00:26:19,709
-[Gigi] Nuh-uh.
[Rand] Good God!
519
00:26:19,793 --> 00:26:22,334
-[yelling]
-[Lil Brett] Bow down, bitches.
520
00:26:22,418 --> 00:26:24,751
-[screaming]
-[Rand] Whoa! Take it easy, little guy!
521
00:26:24,834 --> 00:26:26,084
-[Brett] Help!
-[Rand] Die, you…
522
00:26:26,168 --> 00:26:27,501
[Rand groans]
523
00:26:27,584 --> 00:26:28,584
[Rand] Fuck!
524
00:26:28,668 --> 00:26:29,501
[shrieking]
525
00:26:39,418 --> 00:26:43,084
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