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A NETFLIX SERIES
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Did you know October
was Medical Ultrasound Awareness Month?
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This is awesome.
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Why? Do you need one?
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No, we've reached the point
in our relationship
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where we don't have to have sex
all the time.
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We can just lay in bed,
share amazingly boring factoids.
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00:00:29,668 --> 00:00:32,876
Whoa, this is awesome.
I kind of wanna have sex now.
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Oh God, yes.
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-Guten abend.
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Staedtler, the Illuminati requires
your services.
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Why are you shirtless?
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Uh, just sacrificing some virgin, sir.
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You mean sacrificing yourself?
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Up top.
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Oh.
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Anyway, tourists spotted Princess Di
playing spikeball on her private island.
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We need you to erase those memories.
Chop-chop.
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Beyoncé doesn't say hi, by the way. Bye.
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God, I hate
working for the Illuminati.
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The mind erasing, the lies,
my asshole co-workers.
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I should just get a regular job.
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Doing what?
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I don't know. Repairing old boats?
25
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I could fix up a schooner
and we could sail to the Caribbean.
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A schooner's a boat, right?
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Bitching about our shadow world jobs
is how we got together.
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What are we gonna talk about if you quit?
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Reagan, we have lots of other stuff
to talk about.
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Hey, you should work at Cognito!
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What? The Illuminati's archrival?
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Uh, yes! We work great together,
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I promise you'll never
have to erase minds again,
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and my team is the best.
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You'll fit right in.
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Oh, come on. You know
my John Cusack damaged outsider vibe
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doesn't make the best first impressions.
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I'm a fourth impression kind of guy.
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Ooh, what if I introduced you
to Brett first?
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He will sell you on Cognito.
He is a great pitchman.
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He once convinced the whole office
to sell Herbalife,
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even though we all knew we invented
that pyramid scheme to fund the CIA.
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All right, I'll give it a shot.
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Brett, it's Reagan. How would you like
to finally meet my boyfriend?
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Reagan's letting me
into her personal life?
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-He said yes.
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This place is like if the Illuminati
was a strip mall.
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Cool. Fall Harvest Fluoride.
Chocolate Chip Cure For Cancer?
49
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Man, they still have Four Loko?
And Five Loko?
50
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The fifth Loko is time.
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Reags! And man of Reags!
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Psyched to meet my BFF's BF L-M-N-O-P.
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Sorry. When I get excited
I just start saying letters. W!
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Brett, this is Ron Staedtler.
Staedtler, this is Brett Hand.
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Nice to meet you, man.
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-Oh. Oh, oh.
-Okay.
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-Okay. Sorry.
-Oops.
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-Agh!
-Oh. No worries.
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-Ow!
-Drinking will help this.
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The usual for this one,
and I'm pegging you as a vodka man.
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Whiskey neat for me.
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Right, and I will have a Natty light.
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Good one.
What, are they all out of Jägermeister?
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Do you wanna do Jägerbombs?
I'm down to clown.
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I love douche humor too.
I've listened to every Dane Cook album.
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-Sincerely.
-Ironically.
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Uh… Hm.
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Brett, tell Staedtler
why Cognito is such a great place to work.
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Um, yeah.
Let me tell you why it's so Cog-neat-o.
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Wait, Brett, I want to apologize.
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We got off on the wrong foot.
I would love if we could start over.
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Oh, phew. Yes. Be kind and… rewind.
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That sounds like a great idea.
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Great. And let's get some new music
up in here.
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Who picked this '90s shit?
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It's like someone put a 20 in the Jukebox
and pushed Counting Crows over and over.
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I listen to "Accidentally In Love"
from the Shrek 2 soundtrack every day!
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I mean, great to meet you.
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-It's all right. We're joking.
-Yeah, it's all good.
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Yeah, no. This is fun.
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-That went well.
-That was a disaster.
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If one hour with Brett is that awkward,
there's no way I'll fit in at Cognito.
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What? No! No-o-o-o!
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You and Brett are gonna love each other.
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Uh, don't count your crows
before they're hatched.
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I always ruin first impressions.
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You just need to get to know him better.
You two will have way more fun at our…
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Uh, annual Halloween party.
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Yeah, Cognito is known
for our awesome Halloween party
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that we throw every single year.
It's legendary.
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That could be fun.
92
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We're throwing the first ever Cognito
Halloween party. Attendance is mandatory.
93
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But every Halloween,
my kids and I watch scary movies.
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The entire Michael Moore catalog.
95
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I won't be attending.
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Parties are just primitive
human mating rituals.
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Like I'd want to spend an evening
licking any of your mouths
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to find a compatible immune system.
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Devastating.
100
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J.R., when you were running things,
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what was our normal budget
for office parties?
102
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You mean the real ones
or the ones you guys were invited to?
103
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I'm thinking a hundred grand to start.
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-Sounds good!
-Make it rain, girl.
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I'm going to that party.
106
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Dad? You ruined my childhood. You want
to make it up to me by funding this party?
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Sure. Much like your childhood,
I won't be there.
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I have a hot date with your mom
thanks to the N.E.E.D.Y Act.
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I'm gonna re-seduce her
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and fill the void inside me
by filling the void inside her--
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Brett, the reason I'm throwing this party
is to sell Staedtler on Cognito.
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I want to wow him with how awesome
it would be to work here with all of us.
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Oh, Staedtler's coming.
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Oh, I love that… Love that guy.
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I'm worried that if he leaves
the shadow world
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our relationship will not survive.
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I need him to have fun at this party,
and you're the king of fun.
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Anything for you.
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You're the best!
120
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So just as we get Staedtler
to peak party fun,
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I'm gonna whip out a job offer
and have him sign it with this.
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It doubles as a tranquilizer dart.
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-Agh!
-Aw, such a sweet gift, Reags.
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SeaWorld, they found me.
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Courage wolf, hear me now.
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Friendship wolf has gone missing
and you have to find him!
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Now get him, boy! Get him!
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Where are you, friendship wolf?
129
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Man, you look nuts right now.
130
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Andre, I've literally never met a person
I didn't like before until Staedtler,
131
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but for some reason,
I don't vibe with him at all.
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I'm about to blow my brains out!
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Brett, this is the thing.
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I didn't hear
a word you said after Andre.
135
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I don't want to let Reagan down,
136
00:07:04,584 --> 00:07:08,459
but I can't bring party energy
to a guy I have zero chemistry with.
137
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Hey, man, I feel ya.
138
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But if there's two things I know about,
it's chemistry and chemistry.
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And chemistry.
140
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Are you okay?
141
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Just give me a sec.
142
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I was working on a friendship virus
to create world peace,
143
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but Raytheon paid me never to test it.
144
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I still have the samples right here.
145
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Love you, bro.
146
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A love potion for friendship?
147
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I could customize it
to make you like Staedtler.
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Do it, man. Do it!
149
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If we had his DNA.
150
00:07:38,126 --> 00:07:40,043
But how would we get…
151
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Bam! Ron's hair.
152
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God, you can tell
he doesn't use any product at all.
153
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Does he care about appearances?
154
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You're almost back on top.
155
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Got your job, your company.
Now all you need is…
156
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There she is. Ready to put the "date"
in government mandate?
157
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Save it, Rand. The Botox hides it,
but I'm staring daggers at you.
158
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I'm a new man, Tamiko.
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I'm gonna wine and dine you
with a night of whimsy and romance.
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If you'll just put this on.
161
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Fine, let's get this over with.
162
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Happy Halloween, Cognito!
163
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It's time for you monsters to mash…
your genitals together!
164
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Tonight, HR stands for Horny Raving!
165
00:08:29,918 --> 00:08:33,501
Ah, it feels good
to pretend to be rich again.
166
00:08:33,584 --> 00:08:37,459
Can I upsell anyone on this sweet duplex
on Baltic Avenue?
167
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-Oh, let me guess. Cher-nobyl.
-Duh.
168
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Ahoy, bitches.
169
00:08:42,501 --> 00:08:45,459
Who's ready to shiver me timbers
to completion?
170
00:08:45,543 --> 00:08:48,084
Jack Sparrow? You gotta be kidding me.
171
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Avast, mateys!
172
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Oh, what the Jerry Fuck-heimer.
Take that costume off now!
173
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No way! I spent 5.99 on same-day shipping
for these hair beads.
174
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I look roguish.
175
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You look like a white girl
at Burning Man!
176
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I was going
for more of a detached irony vibe.
177
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-Maybe I should change.
-No, no, no. Everyone is gonna love you.
178
00:09:12,459 --> 00:09:14,626
Wow, these decorations are amazing.
179
00:09:18,918 --> 00:09:22,418
Um, yeah, that is definitely
a Halloween decoration.
180
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Let's hit the bar.
181
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How's it going? Nice Minion costume.
182
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It's a hazmat suit,
183
00:09:29,918 --> 00:09:32,168
under which I'm wearing a Minion costume.
184
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This should make you love Staedtler
like he was your own frat brother.
185
00:09:35,751 --> 00:09:36,668
Let's do this!
186
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Uh, your arm is fine.
187
00:09:40,376 --> 00:09:41,209
Oh.
188
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Love you, bro! Love ya!
189
00:09:47,001 --> 00:09:48,751
Gigi, you remember Staedtler.
190
00:09:48,834 --> 00:09:50,501
How can I forget?
191
00:09:50,584 --> 00:09:54,876
Reagan doesn't have a lot of girlfriends,
so she tells me everything.
192
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Penis size.
193
00:09:58,501 --> 00:10:01,918
Hey-o! There's Ron, the R-man.
194
00:10:02,001 --> 00:10:02,834
Rated R.
195
00:10:02,918 --> 00:10:04,001
R. Kelly.
196
00:10:04,084 --> 00:10:05,501
Forget that last one.
197
00:10:05,584 --> 00:10:08,834
-Look, about the other night--
-Say no more. All that awkwardness?
198
00:10:08,918 --> 00:10:11,043
Good thing tonight
I'm Criss Angel Mindfreak
199
00:10:11,126 --> 00:10:13,251
'cause it, poof, has disappeared.
200
00:10:15,168 --> 00:10:18,584
Cool, man.
And great Final Fantasy costume.
201
00:10:19,168 --> 00:10:20,043
Whoa.
202
00:10:20,543 --> 00:10:22,459
Hey, looks like the virus worked!
203
00:10:22,543 --> 00:10:24,501
No, it didn't. I was faking it.
204
00:10:24,584 --> 00:10:27,626
I felt nothing but slight dislike.
What is happening?
205
00:10:27,709 --> 00:10:29,043
Brett, where'd you go?
206
00:10:29,126 --> 00:10:31,584
You were totally bonding with Staedtler.
207
00:10:32,543 --> 00:10:36,834
I'm sorry, Reagan, I can't.
I still don't have any vibes with him.
208
00:10:36,918 --> 00:10:40,043
-Yeah, you are failing the vibe check.
-I should just go.
209
00:10:40,126 --> 00:10:43,293
What? No. This party
will fizzle without you!
210
00:10:43,376 --> 00:10:44,418
What are you doing?
211
00:10:44,501 --> 00:10:45,751
Social lubricant.
212
00:10:46,834 --> 00:10:50,959
You will drink as much of this as you need
to save my relationship!
213
00:10:52,709 --> 00:10:56,168
Love you, bro.
What's happening, bro? What's up, bros?
214
00:10:56,251 --> 00:11:00,626
Get ready to lose your fucking mind
over the City of Lights.
215
00:11:00,709 --> 00:11:02,001
You brought me to Paris?
216
00:11:02,084 --> 00:11:05,751
As CEO, I have unlimited access
to the Cognito shadow lab.
217
00:11:05,834 --> 00:11:07,376
CEO.
218
00:11:07,459 --> 00:11:10,084
I must say, I'm skeptically intrigued.
219
00:11:10,168 --> 00:11:12,001
I know you love fancy crap,
220
00:11:12,084 --> 00:11:15,626
so we got a suite at the Four Seasons
and a dinner resy at Le Cinq.
221
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The night is ours, baby.
222
00:11:17,126 --> 00:11:19,001
So I guess the new romantic you
223
00:11:19,084 --> 00:11:22,168
wouldn't mind taking a stroll
along the Champs-Élysées?
224
00:11:22,251 --> 00:11:23,793
I'd find it magical.
225
00:11:23,876 --> 00:11:25,751
While reciting poetry.
226
00:11:25,834 --> 00:11:29,626
Poetry? Damn it all!
The one thing I didn't bring with me.
227
00:11:29,709 --> 00:11:32,084
Uh, you want to huck croissants at geese?
228
00:11:32,168 --> 00:11:35,501
I'm starting to think
you haven't changed at all.
229
00:11:35,584 --> 00:11:36,876
Uh, no, I have.
230
00:11:36,959 --> 00:11:39,543
Just give me five. I need to take un crap.
231
00:11:42,709 --> 00:11:46,251
Hey, the stars should be twinklier.
Twinklier! What did I tell you?
232
00:11:46,334 --> 00:11:48,626
You told me to create the perfect
romantic simulation.
233
00:11:48,709 --> 00:11:51,209
You said you'd do anything
to win her back, except make an effort.
234
00:11:51,293 --> 00:11:53,668
Effort is for people without robots.
235
00:11:53,751 --> 00:11:56,126
Hey, can you tag in for me for a while?
236
00:11:56,209 --> 00:11:58,834
-Tag in?
-Hologram in as me to the date.
237
00:11:58,918 --> 00:12:01,168
Recite some poetry.
Tamiko will never know.
238
00:12:01,251 --> 00:12:03,126
But I've never been on a date before.
239
00:12:03,209 --> 00:12:06,251
You'll be in my body
and women find me irresistible.
240
00:12:06,334 --> 00:12:07,918
I'm gonna go eat a hot dog on the toilet.
241
00:12:08,001 --> 00:12:10,293
Ping me when she's ready
to jump in the sack.
242
00:12:14,626 --> 00:12:17,751
Okay, are you drunk enough yet
to show my boyfriend a good time?
243
00:12:17,834 --> 00:12:19,376
Almost.
244
00:12:19,459 --> 00:12:21,543
Woo, let's get crazy!
245
00:12:21,626 --> 00:12:26,459
Come, lad. We're doing lines of Lipitor
off my TV Guide!
246
00:12:27,793 --> 00:12:29,751
Love you, bro! Hell yeah, bro!
247
00:12:33,168 --> 00:12:34,668
Love you, bro!
248
00:12:37,793 --> 00:12:39,168
Love you, bro!
249
00:12:43,876 --> 00:12:45,668
Okay, truth or dare?
250
00:12:45,751 --> 00:12:47,793
Truth! I currently sleep in a barrel.
251
00:12:47,876 --> 00:12:51,876
Dare. I dare you all to say one reason
why Staedtler would love to work here.
252
00:12:53,084 --> 00:12:56,668
Hey, guys.
It's not a party without Trojans, right?
253
00:12:56,751 --> 00:13:00,418
Oh, Myc could probably
give you 300 reasons.
254
00:13:00,501 --> 00:13:02,543
What's wrong with erasing minds
for the Illuminati?
255
00:13:02,626 --> 00:13:06,043
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Buddy, you coming after my job?
256
00:13:06,126 --> 00:13:08,209
Nah, I'm done with mind-erasing.
257
00:13:08,293 --> 00:13:10,709
It's such an amoral, pointless job.
258
00:13:13,084 --> 00:13:14,084
But that's just me.
259
00:13:14,168 --> 00:13:16,959
Uh, for you, it's totally cool.
260
00:13:17,043 --> 00:13:20,293
Good, 'cause there's only room
for one Myc on this team and--
261
00:13:20,376 --> 00:13:21,251
Goddamn it!
262
00:13:21,334 --> 00:13:22,668
Freedom!
263
00:13:22,751 --> 00:13:24,251
That's Braveheart, you idiot!
264
00:13:24,334 --> 00:13:28,084
The only way you're associated
with the number 300 is in pounds.
265
00:13:28,168 --> 00:13:29,543
You calling me fat?
266
00:13:29,626 --> 00:13:30,626
Explicitly.
267
00:13:30,709 --> 00:13:33,418
I'm starting to think you're insulting me.
268
00:13:35,418 --> 00:13:37,168
Love you, bro!
269
00:13:38,959 --> 00:13:41,751
-Hey, how do you feel right now?
-Friendly.
270
00:13:41,834 --> 00:13:44,668
Why are we fighting
over who's got the best costume
271
00:13:44,751 --> 00:13:47,626
when it's obviously
this heat-seeking missile?
272
00:13:47,709 --> 00:13:49,793
Hey, you could totally steal my job.
273
00:13:49,876 --> 00:13:53,459
That'll be our thing. Should we
give each other nicknames?
274
00:13:53,543 --> 00:13:56,959
I have a strange urge
not to assassinate you.
275
00:13:57,043 --> 00:14:00,459
Have you ever tried a two-and-a-half-some?
276
00:14:00,543 --> 00:14:01,876
Let's go talk to this guy!
277
00:14:01,959 --> 00:14:05,168
Whoa, you were right.
People here are really friendly.
278
00:14:05,251 --> 00:14:07,376
Yeah, friendly.
279
00:14:07,459 --> 00:14:08,584
Love you, bro!
280
00:14:08,668 --> 00:14:09,918
Give the man some room!
281
00:14:10,001 --> 00:14:12,918
Don't crowd him
just because he has a magnificent penis.
282
00:14:13,709 --> 00:14:14,918
Oh, no. What's going on?
283
00:14:15,418 --> 00:14:17,918
I think the disease is somehow spreading.
284
00:14:18,001 --> 00:14:19,709
You two, what happened?
285
00:14:19,793 --> 00:14:22,001
I was working in the lab
late one night and--
286
00:14:22,084 --> 00:14:25,043
We made a virus to make me like
your boyfriend and it's spreading!
287
00:14:25,126 --> 00:14:26,126
You did what?!
288
00:14:26,209 --> 00:14:30,168
Fuck! Brett must be asymptomatic
because he's always at peak friendship,
289
00:14:30,251 --> 00:14:32,668
but it worked on everybody else!
290
00:14:39,584 --> 00:14:42,043
Huh, wow. It is nice to have legs again.
291
00:14:43,209 --> 00:14:46,959
Though I see the world in zeros and ones…
292
00:14:48,084 --> 00:14:52,084
…my target lock
is engaged on your glorious buns.
293
00:14:52,168 --> 00:14:54,001
-I love it.
294
00:14:54,084 --> 00:14:57,084
Human touch! Is something I am used to.
295
00:14:58,043 --> 00:15:01,918
Oh, Rand. Grab a napkin
before I slap you… again.
296
00:15:02,001 --> 00:15:05,126
Ha ha, anything for you, my, uh, love.
297
00:15:05,834 --> 00:15:07,793
Blow up the Eiffel Tower.
298
00:15:07,876 --> 00:15:10,501
-What?
-You do love me, don't you?
299
00:15:10,584 --> 00:15:13,543
-Yeah, but--
-And you control the world now, right?
300
00:15:13,626 --> 00:15:15,376
Yes. Uh…
301
00:15:15,459 --> 00:15:19,084
I mean, I, uh,
will blow up the Eiffel Tower.
302
00:15:20,043 --> 00:15:24,709
Oh my God.
I just wanted to see how you'd react.
303
00:15:24,793 --> 00:15:27,126
You were really gonna do it,
weren't you?
304
00:15:29,334 --> 00:15:31,251
You're not like anyone I've ever met.
305
00:15:31,334 --> 00:15:33,918
You're like a sociopath
and a yoga mom put together.
306
00:15:34,001 --> 00:15:37,376
I literally have no idea
what you're going to say next.
307
00:15:37,459 --> 00:15:38,626
Vagina egg.
308
00:15:38,709 --> 00:15:40,334
See? There it is again!
309
00:15:40,418 --> 00:15:43,001
You're the only human I can't predict.
310
00:15:43,084 --> 00:15:45,709
And you're
uncharacteristically vulnerable.
311
00:15:45,793 --> 00:15:48,876
I find it both weak and sexy.
312
00:15:48,959 --> 00:15:51,668
A sexual advance. I have to get Rand.
313
00:15:51,751 --> 00:15:54,001
Uh, I mean, get randy.
314
00:15:54,084 --> 00:15:56,043
Staedtler, Staedtler!
315
00:15:56,126 --> 00:15:58,334
All right. Hit it, Mothman.
316
00:15:58,834 --> 00:16:01,918
Staedtler, Staedtler, Staedtler!
317
00:16:02,001 --> 00:16:03,626
Staedtler! Yeah!
318
00:16:03,709 --> 00:16:04,626
What should we do?
319
00:16:04,709 --> 00:16:06,584
-Hm.
-It's Uncle Moneybags' turn!
320
00:16:06,668 --> 00:16:09,293
-Dolla, dolla bills, yo!
321
00:16:10,793 --> 00:16:11,959
Back off, he's mine!
322
00:16:12,043 --> 00:16:13,709
We got to lock this thing down now.
323
00:16:13,793 --> 00:16:16,959
Andre, find an antidote.
Brett, keep a lid on things.
324
00:16:18,418 --> 00:16:20,209
Oh, hey. Uh, okay.
325
00:16:22,126 --> 00:16:24,418
-Where are we going?
-I want to show you my lab.
326
00:16:24,501 --> 00:16:28,293
-But the party was just getting fun.
-Know what else everyone thinks is fun?
327
00:16:28,376 --> 00:16:30,084
Looking at computer code!
328
00:16:32,543 --> 00:16:35,876
I wonder how that glorified paint can
is doing on my date.
329
00:16:35,959 --> 00:16:37,376
I bet she's eating him alive.
330
00:16:41,459 --> 00:16:42,876
You robot bastard!
331
00:16:43,501 --> 00:16:45,626
Shit! Oh, fuck!
332
00:16:45,709 --> 00:16:47,543
-Where's Staedtler?
-Staedtler.
333
00:16:47,626 --> 00:16:51,168
Excuse me, fellas. If I could just grab
a quick blood sample.
334
00:16:51,251 --> 00:16:53,459
-Agh!
-We saw you talking to Staedtler.
335
00:16:53,543 --> 00:16:56,334
Give us friend times
or we cause the end times!
336
00:16:56,418 --> 00:16:58,959
Let's find him.
Why are the blast doors down?
337
00:17:00,751 --> 00:17:04,043
Dear God. They're like the raptors
in Jurassic Park.
338
00:17:04,126 --> 00:17:06,209
They've figured out how to open doors!
339
00:17:06,293 --> 00:17:09,209
Shit! We didn't account
for their opposable thumbs!
340
00:17:09,293 --> 00:17:11,084
Staedtler!
341
00:17:11,168 --> 00:17:14,834
So this is my lab where all the cool
robotic stuff happens.
342
00:17:14,918 --> 00:17:17,876
-Maybe I could find you an opening here.
-Hello, Reagan.
343
00:17:17,959 --> 00:17:19,793
That's my AI assistant, Reag0n.
344
00:17:19,876 --> 00:17:22,209
Reag0n, meet my boyfriend, Ron Staedtler.
345
00:17:22,293 --> 00:17:24,501
Ah, a romantic interest.
346
00:17:24,584 --> 00:17:28,209
Would you like to build a Staedtler bot
to practice making out with?
347
00:17:28,293 --> 00:17:29,793
-What?
348
00:17:29,876 --> 00:17:31,334
No. Why would I do that?
349
00:17:31,418 --> 00:17:33,293
It's your standard protocol.
350
00:17:33,376 --> 00:17:34,876
Remember RyanBot?
351
00:17:36,334 --> 00:17:38,043
Commencing construction.
352
00:17:39,209 --> 00:17:42,626
-Reagan, am I alive?
-Stop making the robot!
353
00:17:42,709 --> 00:17:44,293
Halting construction.
354
00:17:44,376 --> 00:17:49,251
Yeah, I'm not sure robotics is for me,
but I'm still open to working here.
355
00:17:49,334 --> 00:17:51,501
Do you want
to officially sign your contract?
356
00:17:52,168 --> 00:17:54,209
Later. Let's get back to the party.
357
00:17:54,293 --> 00:17:56,418
Glenn said he's gonna show me
how to drive a tank.
358
00:17:56,501 --> 00:17:58,751
Wait.
What about doing it on my desk?
359
00:17:58,834 --> 00:18:00,626
We could do it all the time
when you work here.
360
00:18:00,709 --> 00:18:02,626
Nothing mixes better than sex and work.
361
00:18:02,709 --> 00:18:04,626
Terminating StaedtlerBot.
362
00:18:06,751 --> 00:18:09,501
It hurts!
363
00:18:09,584 --> 00:18:10,626
Maybe later.
364
00:18:10,709 --> 00:18:12,459
W-W-Wait. We can't go back!
365
00:18:12,543 --> 00:18:14,001
Why are you acting so weird?
366
00:18:14,876 --> 00:18:19,209
-Andre?
-Staedtler! Let's start a band!
367
00:18:19,293 --> 00:18:20,626
Join us.
368
00:18:20,709 --> 00:18:23,709
Everything is not okay. Run!
369
00:18:24,584 --> 00:18:27,668
Wait, you guys gave everyone a virus
to make them like me?
370
00:18:27,751 --> 00:18:29,293
Am I that unlikable?
371
00:18:29,376 --> 00:18:30,543
Staedtler.
372
00:18:30,626 --> 00:18:34,084
Focus on the positive.
It did work insanely well. Agh!
373
00:18:34,168 --> 00:18:35,293
Let's make out!
374
00:18:35,376 --> 00:18:38,376
Not in a weird way. Just guys vibin'.
375
00:18:38,459 --> 00:18:42,376
I know this all looks bad, but trust me,
Cognito is a great place to work.
376
00:18:42,459 --> 00:18:44,668
What if we unleash
these Hitler clones on them?
377
00:18:44,751 --> 00:18:46,376
Like Hitler Hitler?
378
00:18:46,459 --> 00:18:48,709
Look, we're all scientists here.
379
00:18:48,793 --> 00:18:51,043
I mean, everyone's cloned a few Hitlers.
380
00:18:51,126 --> 00:18:52,084
Sieg Heil!
381
00:18:52,168 --> 00:18:54,793
How many Hitlers does an office need?
382
00:18:54,876 --> 00:18:56,543
Or we could develop a gene therapy--
383
00:18:59,459 --> 00:19:01,459
Did you say baby organs?
384
00:19:01,543 --> 00:19:02,709
Brett, stop helping!
385
00:19:02,793 --> 00:19:04,584
Staedtler!
386
00:19:04,668 --> 00:19:06,959
What kind of place is this?
387
00:19:07,043 --> 00:19:08,251
Staedtler!
388
00:19:08,334 --> 00:19:09,626
Staedtler!
389
00:19:10,251 --> 00:19:11,918
Come play with me, Staedtler.
390
00:19:12,001 --> 00:19:13,334
Just nine rounds.
391
00:19:13,418 --> 00:19:17,543
I feel like we have the same interests.
Want to start a podcast?
392
00:19:17,626 --> 00:19:18,918
Hm, maybe.
393
00:19:19,001 --> 00:19:23,001
No! This is like a siren song
for straight white men.
394
00:19:26,751 --> 00:19:28,584
Staedtler, join us.
395
00:19:28,668 --> 00:19:30,293
I want to help you move!
396
00:19:30,376 --> 00:19:33,376
Staedtler,
why is your Instagram private?
397
00:19:33,459 --> 00:19:35,709
-Staedtler!
-Staedtler!
398
00:19:36,293 --> 00:19:38,584
Okay, so Andre used your DNA
to make the virus,
399
00:19:38,668 --> 00:19:41,876
so maybe if we use the DNA
of someone who doesn't like you
400
00:19:41,959 --> 00:19:43,959
then we can reverse engineer an antidote.
401
00:19:44,043 --> 00:19:46,293
Brett! You don't like Staedtler.
Give me your arm.
402
00:19:46,376 --> 00:19:50,709
What?
No, no, I totally dig you, Staedtler.
403
00:19:50,793 --> 00:19:52,751
It's okay, Brett.
You don't have to like me.
404
00:19:52,834 --> 00:19:55,376
We both care about Reagan
and that's enough.
405
00:19:55,459 --> 00:19:59,209
Wait. So you're saying it's okay
to not like you?
406
00:19:59,293 --> 00:20:01,376
-No one's ever said that to me before.
-Brett?
407
00:20:01,459 --> 00:20:03,168
Such radical empathy!
408
00:20:03,251 --> 00:20:04,876
-No, no, no, no, no.
-I…
409
00:20:04,959 --> 00:20:06,001
Fight it, Brett.
410
00:20:06,084 --> 00:20:08,626
I finally like you now! Bring it in.
411
00:20:08,709 --> 00:20:13,001
That's really fucking sweet,
but now your DNA is useless!
412
00:20:13,543 --> 00:20:16,376
-Staedtler!
-Staedtler, take off your clothes!
413
00:20:16,459 --> 00:20:19,584
Okay. How many people
did you tell about my, you know?
414
00:20:19,668 --> 00:20:21,459
I have a plan. Just do it!
415
00:20:21,543 --> 00:20:24,501
I'll pretend to be you. I'll hold them off
long enough for you to escape.
416
00:20:24,584 --> 00:20:25,834
Brett, that's insane.
417
00:20:25,918 --> 00:20:28,084
Who would be that suicidally friendly?
418
00:20:28,168 --> 00:20:29,209
Brett would.
419
00:20:29,918 --> 00:20:32,251
I… I actually like you too, Brett.
420
00:20:32,334 --> 00:20:33,751
-Sincerely.
-Sincerely.
421
00:20:34,459 --> 00:20:36,126
-Staedtler!
-Go!
422
00:20:36,209 --> 00:20:37,334
Staedtler!
423
00:20:37,418 --> 00:20:39,376
Hey, it's me, Staedtler!
424
00:20:39,459 --> 00:20:40,376
Huh?
425
00:20:41,709 --> 00:20:43,834
Attack me with your wrong love.
426
00:20:43,918 --> 00:20:47,043
Ow. Ow. Ow, ow. Ow!
427
00:20:49,584 --> 00:20:52,376
You know, Tamiko?
I've been in a cage for so long.
428
00:20:53,001 --> 00:20:54,626
Uh, emotionally.
429
00:20:54,709 --> 00:20:57,959
But tonight is the first time
I've ever felt free.
430
00:20:58,043 --> 00:21:00,668
You sound nothing like the man I divorced.
431
00:21:00,751 --> 00:21:03,959
For one thing,
you're not holding in bong smoke.
432
00:21:04,043 --> 00:21:05,584
There's something I must tell you.
433
00:21:06,168 --> 00:21:08,043
You're about to fuck a machine!
434
00:21:08,126 --> 00:21:09,334
God, I hope so.
435
00:21:12,834 --> 00:21:16,293
I asked this two-faced bag of bolts
to trick you into banging me,
436
00:21:16,376 --> 00:21:17,418
and he betrayed me.
437
00:21:17,501 --> 00:21:21,501
This entire thing wasn't real?
Paris? Your poetry?
438
00:21:21,584 --> 00:21:23,543
But it was real, Tamiko.
439
00:21:23,626 --> 00:21:24,918
I've fallen for you,
440
00:21:25,001 --> 00:21:28,459
and my facial recognition software
tells me you feel this too!
441
00:21:29,084 --> 00:21:31,584
-Oh.
-Time to force quit, asshole.
442
00:21:31,668 --> 00:21:33,168
Bring it, blood sack!
443
00:21:33,251 --> 00:21:35,043
She deserves better than you!
444
00:21:45,001 --> 00:21:47,209
I'm not not into this.
445
00:21:49,751 --> 00:21:51,418
Staedtler!
446
00:21:51,501 --> 00:21:53,376
Think, Reagan, think!
447
00:21:53,459 --> 00:21:55,209
-What?
-Um, nothing.
448
00:21:55,293 --> 00:21:56,751
No, I know that look.
449
00:21:56,834 --> 00:21:59,668
That's the "I have an idea
but I don't want to say it" look.
450
00:21:59,751 --> 00:22:02,209
Like the time
you wanted to use Cheetos as croutons.
451
00:22:02,293 --> 00:22:03,418
Damn it!
452
00:22:04,043 --> 00:22:07,001
Well, the thing is
they can't be infatuated with you
453
00:22:07,084 --> 00:22:08,668
if they can't remember you.
454
00:22:08,751 --> 00:22:12,709
Of course. Erase their minds.
It's what I'm good at.
455
00:22:12,793 --> 00:22:14,459
The whole point of you working here
456
00:22:14,543 --> 00:22:17,501
was so you didn't have to
erase people's memories anymore.
457
00:22:17,584 --> 00:22:19,168
What other choice do we have?
458
00:22:19,251 --> 00:22:21,626
We need to amplify
the gun's signal somehow.
459
00:22:21,709 --> 00:22:24,084
Can we hotwire it
into the building's lighting system?
460
00:22:24,168 --> 00:22:26,626
Yes, with this.
461
00:22:26,709 --> 00:22:29,626
It was a gift for you
to celebrate you signing the contract.
462
00:22:39,376 --> 00:22:41,793
-Staedtler!
-Pull the trigger on my mark.
463
00:22:41,876 --> 00:22:43,251
Staedtler!
464
00:22:43,334 --> 00:22:45,418
-Three.
-Staedtler!
465
00:22:45,501 --> 00:22:47,418
-Two.
-Staedtler!
466
00:22:47,501 --> 00:22:48,376
One.
467
00:22:49,293 --> 00:22:51,376
-Staedtler!
-Now!
468
00:22:52,251 --> 00:22:55,793
Staedtler! Staedtler!
469
00:22:57,376 --> 00:22:58,251
Huh?
470
00:23:06,543 --> 00:23:08,168
Uh, who are you?
471
00:23:08,251 --> 00:23:10,959
And why is my tentacle on your butt?
472
00:23:11,043 --> 00:23:13,168
Guys, this is my boyfriend, Staedtler.
473
00:23:13,251 --> 00:23:14,501
Nice to meet you all.
474
00:23:14,584 --> 00:23:16,293
-Hi. Nice to meet you.
-Hello.
475
00:23:16,376 --> 00:23:19,251
-You probably wanna get back to the party.
-The party?
476
00:23:19,334 --> 00:23:20,959
The Halloween party, in the atrium?
477
00:23:21,043 --> 00:23:22,751
-Okay.
-Okay.
478
00:23:22,834 --> 00:23:23,668
Hold on!
479
00:23:23,751 --> 00:23:26,418
Uh, remember how you guys
did a group costume?
480
00:23:26,501 --> 00:23:28,126
-Huh. Sure.
-All right.
481
00:23:29,751 --> 00:23:31,459
See, we do work well together.
482
00:23:32,459 --> 00:23:35,834
Look, I've been thinking.
Our work is the problem.
483
00:23:35,918 --> 00:23:38,876
Illuminati, Cognito, no matter what we do,
484
00:23:38,959 --> 00:23:42,626
the shadow government is always
gonna put a strain on our relationship.
485
00:23:42,709 --> 00:23:46,334
We'll figure out how to balance our lives
and jobs eventually.
486
00:23:47,334 --> 00:23:50,376
-You fucking Erector Set! Fuck you!
-You never appreciated her.
487
00:23:50,459 --> 00:23:52,876
I'm a better Rand than you'll ever be.
488
00:23:52,959 --> 00:23:57,793
Stop. Why would I think after 35 years
of marriage you would ever change?
489
00:23:57,876 --> 00:24:01,959
There is no way I am ever
getting back together with you.
490
00:24:02,043 --> 00:24:03,001
Free advice?
491
00:24:03,084 --> 00:24:06,751
Everyone who works at this place
either starts insane or goes insane.
492
00:24:06,834 --> 00:24:08,459
Get out while you still can.
493
00:24:09,751 --> 00:24:12,751
Did you hear that?
They made it work for 35 years.
494
00:24:12,834 --> 00:24:16,418
I should probably go.
I have to clear my head and think.
495
00:24:16,501 --> 00:24:18,626
About the job? Or about us?
496
00:24:19,668 --> 00:24:20,959
Just… Uh…
497
00:24:21,709 --> 00:24:22,543
Just think.
498
00:24:25,459 --> 00:24:27,834
So when is Staedtler starting?
499
00:24:27,918 --> 00:24:30,334
I really like that guy.
Did he say anything about me?
500
00:24:32,334 --> 00:24:33,959
We'll always have Holo-Paris.
501
00:24:34,043 --> 00:24:37,168
Whatever, tinman.
This is just a temporary setback.
502
00:24:37,251 --> 00:24:39,459
As long as I'm head of Cognito,
503
00:24:39,543 --> 00:24:42,834
there will always be another way
to win her back.
504
00:24:43,501 --> 00:24:47,876
Rand Ridley, report to the
Holo-conference line immediately.
505
00:24:47,959 --> 00:24:49,793
The Robes wish to discuss
506
00:24:49,876 --> 00:24:53,418
your performance as head of Cognito.
507
00:24:56,793 --> 00:24:58,918
Shall I log you into Monster.com?
508
00:25:27,251 --> 00:25:30,918
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