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A NETFLIX SERIES
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[romantic music plays]
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Did you know October
was Medical Ultrasound Awareness Month?
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This is awesome.
5
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Why? Do you need one?
6
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No, we've reached the point
in our relationship
7
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where we don't have to have sex
all the time.
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We can just lay in bed,
share amazingly boring factoids.
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Whoa, this is awesome.
I kind of wanna have sex now.
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Oh God, yes.
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-Guten abend.
-[both yell]
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Staedtler, the Illuminati requires
your services.
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Why are you shirtless?
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Uh, just sacrificing some virgin, sir.
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You mean sacrificing yourself?
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[laughs]
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Up top.
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Oh.
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Anyway, tourists spotted Princess Di
playing spikeball on her private island.
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We need you to erase those memories.
Chop-chop.
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Beyoncé doesn't say hi, by the way. Bye.
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[sighs] God, I hate
working for the Illuminati.
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The mind erasing, the lies,
my asshole co-workers.
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I should just get a regular job.
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Doing what?
26
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I don't know. Repairing old boats?
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I could fix up a schooner
and we could sail to the Caribbean.
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A schooner's a boat, right?
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Bitching about our shadow world jobs
is how we got together.
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What are we gonna talk about if you quit?
31
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Reagan, we have lots of other stuff
to talk about.
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Hey, you should work at Cognito!
33
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What? The Illuminati's archrival?
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Uh, yes! We work great together,
35
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I promise you'll never
have to erase minds again,
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and my team is the best.
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You'll fit right in.
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Oh, come on. You know
my John Cusack damaged outsider vibe
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doesn't make the best first impressions.
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I'm a fourth impression kind of guy.
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00:01:47,793 --> 00:01:50,043
Ooh, what if I introduced you
to Brett first?
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He will sell you on Cognito.
He is a great pitchman.
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He once convinced the whole office
to sell Herbalife,
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even though we all knew we invented
that pyramid scheme to fund the CIA.
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All right, I'll give it a shot.
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Brett, it's Reagan. How would you like
to finally meet my boyfriend?
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[Brett gasps] Reagan's letting me
into her personal life?
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[Brett screams]
49
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-[glass smashes]
-He said yes.
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[upbeat music plays]
51
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This place is like if the Illuminati
was a strip mall.
52
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Cool. Fall Harvest Fluoride.
Chocolate Chip Cure For Cancer?
53
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Man, they still have Four Loko?
And Five Loko?
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The fifth Loko is time.
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00:02:53,418 --> 00:02:55,668
Reags! And man of Reags!
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Psyched to meet my BFF's BF L-M-N-O-P.
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Sorry. When I get excited
I just start saying letters. [laughs] W!
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Brett, this is Ron Staedtler.
Staedtler, this is Brett Hand.
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Nice to meet you, man.
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-Oh. Oh, oh.
-Okay.
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-Okay. Sorry.
-Oops.
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-Agh!
-Oh. No worries.
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-Ow!
-Drinking will help this.
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The usual for this one,
and I'm pegging you as a vodka man.
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Whiskey neat for me.
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Right, and I will have a Natty light.
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[laughs] Good one.
What, are they all out of Jägermeister?
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[gasps] Do you wanna do Jägerbombs?
I'm down to clown.
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[laughs]
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I love douche humor too.
I've listened to every Dane Cook album.
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-Sincerely.
-Ironically.
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Uh… Hm.
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[laughs awkwardly]
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Brett, tell Staedtler
why Cognito is such a great place to work.
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Um, yeah. [clears throat]
Let me tell you why it's so Cog-neat-o.
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Wait, Brett, I want to apologize.
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We got off on the wrong foot.
I would love if we could start over.
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Oh, phew. Yes. Be kind and… rewind.
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That sounds like a great idea.
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Great. And let's get some new music
up in here.
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Who picked this '90s shit?
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It's like someone put a 20 in the Jukebox
and pushed Counting Crows over and over.
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[inhales deeply]
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I listen to "Accidentally In Love"
from the Shrek 2 soundtrack every day!
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I mean, great to meet you.
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-It's all right. We're joking.
-Yeah, it's all good.
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Yeah, no. This is fun.
88
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[laughs awkwardly]
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-That went well.
-That was a disaster.
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If one hour with Brett is that awkward,
there's no way I'll fit in at Cognito.
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What? No! No-o-o-o!
92
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You and Brett are gonna love each other.
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Uh, don't count your crows
before they're hatched.
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I always ruin first impressions.
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00:04:46,918 --> 00:04:52,418
You just need to get to know him better.
You two will have way more fun at our…
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Uh, annual Halloween party.
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Yeah, Cognito is known
for our awesome Halloween party
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that we throw every single year.
It's legendary.
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That could be fun.
100
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We're throwing the first ever Cognito
Halloween party. Attendance is mandatory.
101
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But every Halloween,
my kids and I watch scary movies.
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The entire Michael Moore catalog.
[shudders]
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I won't be attending.
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Parties are just primitive
human mating rituals.
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[scoffs] Like I'd want to spend an evening
licking any of your mouths
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to find a compatible immune system.
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Devastating.
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J.R., when you were running things,
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what was our normal budget
for office parties?
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You mean the real ones
or the ones you guys were invited to?
111
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I'm thinking a hundred grand to start.
112
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-Sounds good!
-[Myc] Make it rain, girl.
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[Glenn] I'm going to that party.
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Dad? You ruined my childhood. You want
to make it up to me by funding this party?
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Sure. Much like your childhood,
I won't be there.
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I have a hot date with your mom
thanks to the N.E.E.D.Y Act.
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I'm gonna re-seduce her
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and fill the void inside me
by filling the void inside her--
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Brett, the reason I'm throwing this party
is to sell Staedtler on Cognito.
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I want to wow him with how awesome
it would be to work here with all of us.
121
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Oh, Staedtler's coming.
122
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Oh, I love that… Love that guy.
123
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I'm worried that if he leaves
the shadow world
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our relationship will not survive.
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I need him to have fun at this party,
and you're the king of fun.
126
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Anything for you.
127
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You're the best!
128
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So just as we get Staedtler
to peak party fun,
129
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I'm gonna whip out a job offer
and have him sign it with this.
130
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It doubles as a tranquilizer dart.
131
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-Agh!
-Aw, such a sweet gift, Reags.
132
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SeaWorld, they found me.
133
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[Glenn groans]
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Courage wolf, hear me now.
135
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Friendship wolf has gone missing
and you have to find him!
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Now get him, boy! Get him!
137
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Where are you, friendship wolf? [cries]
138
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Man, you look nuts right now.
139
00:06:48,668 --> 00:06:52,584
Andre, I've literally never met a person
I didn't like before until Staedtler,
140
00:06:52,668 --> 00:06:55,501
but for some reason,
I don't vibe with him at all.
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I'm about to blow my brains out!
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Brett, this is the thing.
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[sighs] I didn't hear
a word you said after Andre.
144
00:07:02,834 --> 00:07:04,501
I don't want to let Reagan down,
145
00:07:04,584 --> 00:07:08,459
but I can't bring party energy
to a guy I have zero chemistry with.
146
00:07:08,543 --> 00:07:09,834
Hey, man, I feel ya.
147
00:07:09,918 --> 00:07:13,751
But if there's two things I know about,
it's chemistry and chemistry.
148
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And chemistry.
149
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Are you okay?
150
00:07:18,709 --> 00:07:20,084
Just give me a sec.
151
00:07:20,168 --> 00:07:23,959
I was working on a friendship virus
to create world peace,
152
00:07:24,043 --> 00:07:26,168
but Raytheon paid me never to test it.
153
00:07:26,251 --> 00:07:27,918
I still have the samples right here.
154
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[microbe] Love you, bro.
155
00:07:30,001 --> 00:07:32,543
A love potion for friendship?
156
00:07:32,626 --> 00:07:35,001
I could customize it
to make you like Staedtler.
157
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Do it, man. Do it!
158
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If we had his DNA.
159
00:07:38,126 --> 00:07:40,043
But how would we get… [gasps]
160
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Bam! Ron's hair.
161
00:07:42,334 --> 00:07:45,418
God, you can tell
he doesn't use any product at all.
162
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Does he care about appearances?
163
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[ominous music plays]
164
00:07:50,043 --> 00:07:51,543
You're almost back on top.
165
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Got your job, your company.
Now all you need is…
166
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There she is. Ready to put the "date"
in government mandate?
167
00:07:58,834 --> 00:08:02,334
Save it, Rand. The Botox hides it,
but I'm staring daggers at you.
168
00:08:02,418 --> 00:08:04,126
I'm a new man, Tamiko.
169
00:08:04,209 --> 00:08:07,834
I'm gonna wine and dine you
with a night of whimsy and romance.
170
00:08:07,918 --> 00:08:09,043
If you'll just put this on.
171
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[ominous music plays]
172
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[groans] Fine, let's get this over with.
173
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[Mothman] Happy Halloween, Cognito!
174
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It's time for you monsters to mash…
your genitals together!
175
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Tonight, HR stands for Horny Raving!
176
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[cheering]
177
00:08:29,918 --> 00:08:33,501
Ah, it feels good
to pretend to be rich again.
178
00:08:33,584 --> 00:08:37,459
Can I upsell anyone on this sweet duplex
on Baltic Avenue? [laughs]
179
00:08:37,543 --> 00:08:40,876
-Oh, let me guess. Cher-nobyl.
-Duh.
180
00:08:40,959 --> 00:08:42,418
[Myc] Ahoy, bitches.
181
00:08:42,501 --> 00:08:45,459
Who's ready to shiver me timbers
to completion?
182
00:08:45,543 --> 00:08:48,084
Jack Sparrow? You gotta be kidding me.
183
00:08:48,168 --> 00:08:49,459
Avast, mateys!
184
00:08:49,543 --> 00:08:53,418
[Myc] Oh, what the Jerry Fuck-heimer.
Take that costume off now!
185
00:08:53,501 --> 00:08:57,834
No way! I spent 5.99 on same-day shipping
for these hair beads.
186
00:08:57,918 --> 00:08:58,959
I look roguish.
187
00:08:59,043 --> 00:09:01,293
[Myc] You look like a white girl
at Burning Man!
188
00:09:05,668 --> 00:09:08,334
I was going
for more of a detached irony vibe.
189
00:09:08,418 --> 00:09:11,876
-Maybe I should change.
-No, no, no. Everyone is gonna love you.
190
00:09:12,459 --> 00:09:14,626
Wow, these decorations are amazing.
191
00:09:18,918 --> 00:09:22,418
Um, yeah, that is definitely
a Halloween decoration.
192
00:09:22,501 --> 00:09:23,501
Let's hit the bar.
193
00:09:24,209 --> 00:09:25,793
[ominous music plays]
194
00:09:26,793 --> 00:09:28,709
How's it going? Nice Minion costume.
195
00:09:28,793 --> 00:09:29,834
It's a hazmat suit,
196
00:09:29,918 --> 00:09:32,168
under which I'm wearing a Minion costume.
197
00:09:32,251 --> 00:09:35,668
This should make you love Staedtler
like he was your own frat brother.
198
00:09:35,751 --> 00:09:36,668
Let's do this!
199
00:09:38,751 --> 00:09:40,293
Uh, your arm is fine.
200
00:09:40,376 --> 00:09:41,209
Oh.
201
00:09:44,251 --> 00:09:46,251
[microbes] Love you, bro! Love ya!
202
00:09:47,001 --> 00:09:48,751
Gigi, you remember Staedtler.
203
00:09:48,834 --> 00:09:50,501
How can I forget?
204
00:09:50,584 --> 00:09:54,876
Reagan doesn't have a lot of girlfriends,
so she tells me everything.
205
00:09:54,959 --> 00:09:56,418
Penis size.
206
00:09:56,501 --> 00:09:58,001
[coughs]
207
00:09:58,501 --> 00:10:01,918
Hey-o! There's Ron, the R-man.
208
00:10:02,001 --> 00:10:02,834
Rated R.
209
00:10:02,918 --> 00:10:04,001
R. Kelly.
210
00:10:04,084 --> 00:10:05,501
Forget that last one.
211
00:10:05,584 --> 00:10:08,834
-Look, about the other night--
-Say no more. All that awkwardness?
212
00:10:08,918 --> 00:10:11,043
Good thing tonight
I'm Criss Angel Mindfreak
213
00:10:11,126 --> 00:10:13,251
'cause it, poof, has disappeared.
214
00:10:15,168 --> 00:10:18,584
Cool, man.
And great Final Fantasy costume.
215
00:10:19,168 --> 00:10:20,043
Whoa.
216
00:10:20,543 --> 00:10:22,459
Hey, looks like the virus worked!
217
00:10:22,543 --> 00:10:24,501
No, it didn't. I was faking it.
218
00:10:24,584 --> 00:10:27,626
I felt nothing but slight dislike.
What is happening?
219
00:10:27,709 --> 00:10:29,043
Brett, where'd you go?
220
00:10:29,126 --> 00:10:31,584
You were totally bonding with Staedtler.
221
00:10:32,543 --> 00:10:36,834
I'm sorry, Reagan, I can't.
I still don't have any vibes with him.
222
00:10:36,918 --> 00:10:40,043
-Yeah, you are failing the vibe check.
-I should just go.
223
00:10:40,126 --> 00:10:43,293
What? No. This party
will fizzle without you!
224
00:10:43,376 --> 00:10:44,418
What are you doing?
225
00:10:44,501 --> 00:10:45,751
Social lubricant.
226
00:10:46,834 --> 00:10:50,959
You will drink as much of this as you need
to save my relationship!
227
00:10:52,709 --> 00:10:56,168
[microbes] Love you, bro.
What's happening, bro? What's up, bros?
228
00:10:56,251 --> 00:11:00,626
Get ready to lose your fucking mind
over the City of Lights.
229
00:11:00,709 --> 00:11:02,001
You brought me to Paris?
230
00:11:02,084 --> 00:11:05,751
As CEO, I have unlimited access
to the Cognito shadow lab.
231
00:11:05,834 --> 00:11:07,376
[coughs] CEO.
232
00:11:07,459 --> 00:11:10,084
I must say, I'm skeptically intrigued.
233
00:11:10,168 --> 00:11:12,001
I know you love fancy crap,
234
00:11:12,084 --> 00:11:15,626
so we got a suite at the Four Seasons
and a dinner resy at Le Cinq.
235
00:11:15,709 --> 00:11:17,043
The night is ours, baby.
236
00:11:17,126 --> 00:11:19,001
So I guess the new romantic you
237
00:11:19,084 --> 00:11:22,168
wouldn't mind taking a stroll
along the Champs-Élysées?
238
00:11:22,251 --> 00:11:23,793
I'd find it magical.
239
00:11:23,876 --> 00:11:25,751
While reciting poetry.
240
00:11:25,834 --> 00:11:29,626
[sighs] Poetry? Damn it all!
The one thing I didn't bring with me.
241
00:11:29,709 --> 00:11:32,084
Uh, you want to huck croissants at geese?
242
00:11:32,168 --> 00:11:35,501
I'm starting to think
you haven't changed at all.
243
00:11:35,584 --> 00:11:36,876
Uh, no, I have.
244
00:11:36,959 --> 00:11:39,543
Just give me five. I need to take un crap.
245
00:11:42,709 --> 00:11:46,251
Hey, the stars should be twinklier.
Twinklier! What did I tell you?
246
00:11:46,334 --> 00:11:48,626
You told me to create the perfect
romantic simulation.
247
00:11:48,709 --> 00:11:51,209
You said you'd do anything
to win her back, except make an effort.
248
00:11:51,293 --> 00:11:53,668
Effort is for people without robots.
249
00:11:53,751 --> 00:11:56,126
Hey, can you tag in for me for a while?
250
00:11:56,209 --> 00:11:58,834
-Tag in?
-Hologram in as me to the date.
251
00:11:58,918 --> 00:12:01,168
Recite some poetry.
Tamiko will never know.
252
00:12:01,251 --> 00:12:03,126
But I've never been on a date before.
253
00:12:03,209 --> 00:12:06,251
You'll be in my body
and women find me irresistible.
254
00:12:06,334 --> 00:12:07,918
I'm gonna go eat a hot dog on the toilet.
255
00:12:08,001 --> 00:12:10,293
Ping me when she's ready
to jump in the sack.
256
00:12:10,376 --> 00:12:12,376
[suspenseful music plays]
257
00:12:14,626 --> 00:12:17,751
Okay, are you drunk enough yet
to show my boyfriend a good time?
258
00:12:17,834 --> 00:12:19,376
[burps] Almost.
259
00:12:19,459 --> 00:12:21,543
Woo, let's get crazy!
260
00:12:21,626 --> 00:12:26,459
Come, lad. We're doing lines of Lipitor
off my TV Guide! [laughs]
261
00:12:27,793 --> 00:12:29,751
[microbes] Love you, bro! Hell yeah, bro!
262
00:12:29,834 --> 00:12:31,751
[upbeat music plays]
263
00:12:33,168 --> 00:12:34,668
[microbes] Love you, bro!
264
00:12:34,751 --> 00:12:36,376
[upbeat music continues]
265
00:12:37,793 --> 00:12:39,168
[microbes] Love you, bro!
266
00:12:43,876 --> 00:12:45,668
Okay, truth or dare?
267
00:12:45,751 --> 00:12:47,793
Truth! I currently sleep in a barrel.
268
00:12:47,876 --> 00:12:51,876
Dare. I dare you all to say one reason
why Staedtler would love to work here.
269
00:12:53,084 --> 00:12:56,668
[Myc] Hey, guys.
It's not a party without Trojans, right?
270
00:12:56,751 --> 00:13:00,418
Oh, Myc could probably
give you 300 reasons.
271
00:13:00,501 --> 00:13:02,543
What's wrong with erasing minds
for the Illuminati?
272
00:13:02,626 --> 00:13:06,043
[Myc] Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Buddy, you coming after my job?
273
00:13:06,126 --> 00:13:08,209
Nah, I'm done with mind-erasing.
274
00:13:08,293 --> 00:13:10,709
It's such an amoral, pointless job.
275
00:13:11,584 --> 00:13:13,001
[coughs]
276
00:13:13,084 --> 00:13:14,084
But that's just me.
277
00:13:14,168 --> 00:13:16,959
Uh, for you, it's totally cool.
278
00:13:17,043 --> 00:13:20,293
[Myc] Good, 'cause there's only room
for one Myc on this team and--
279
00:13:20,376 --> 00:13:21,251
Goddamn it!
280
00:13:21,334 --> 00:13:22,668
Freedom!
281
00:13:22,751 --> 00:13:24,251
[Myc] That's Braveheart, you idiot!
282
00:13:24,334 --> 00:13:28,084
The only way you're associated
with the number 300 is in pounds.
283
00:13:28,168 --> 00:13:29,543
You calling me fat?
284
00:13:29,626 --> 00:13:30,626
[Myc] Explicitly.
285
00:13:30,709 --> 00:13:33,418
I'm starting to think you're insulting me.
286
00:13:33,501 --> 00:13:35,334
[both grunt]
287
00:13:35,418 --> 00:13:37,168
[microbes] Love you, bro!
288
00:13:38,959 --> 00:13:41,751
-[Myc] Hey, how do you feel right now?
-Friendly.
289
00:13:41,834 --> 00:13:44,668
Why are we fighting
over who's got the best costume
290
00:13:44,751 --> 00:13:47,626
when it's obviously
this heat-seeking missile?
291
00:13:47,709 --> 00:13:49,793
[Myc] Hey, you could totally steal my job.
292
00:13:49,876 --> 00:13:53,459
That'll be our thing. Should we
give each other nicknames? [laughs]
293
00:13:53,543 --> 00:13:56,959
I have a strange urge
not to assassinate you.
294
00:13:57,043 --> 00:14:00,459
Have you ever tried a two-and-a-half-some?
295
00:14:00,543 --> 00:14:01,876
[man] Let's go talk to this guy!
296
00:14:01,959 --> 00:14:05,168
Whoa, you were right.
People here are really friendly.
297
00:14:05,251 --> 00:14:07,376
Yeah, friendly.
298
00:14:07,459 --> 00:14:08,584
[microbes] Love you, bro!
299
00:14:08,668 --> 00:14:09,918
Give the man some room!
300
00:14:10,001 --> 00:14:12,918
Don't crowd him
just because he has a magnificent penis.
301
00:14:13,709 --> 00:14:14,918
Oh, no. What's going on?
302
00:14:15,418 --> 00:14:17,918
I think the disease is somehow spreading.
303
00:14:18,001 --> 00:14:19,709
You two, what happened?
304
00:14:19,793 --> 00:14:22,001
I was working in the lab
late one night and--
305
00:14:22,084 --> 00:14:25,043
We made a virus to make me like
your boyfriend and it's spreading!
306
00:14:25,126 --> 00:14:26,126
You did what?!
307
00:14:26,209 --> 00:14:30,168
Fuck! Brett must be asymptomatic
because he's always at peak friendship,
308
00:14:30,251 --> 00:14:32,668
but it worked on everybody else!
309
00:14:32,751 --> 00:14:34,376
[ominous music crescendos]
310
00:14:37,959 --> 00:14:39,501
[whirring and clanging]
311
00:14:39,584 --> 00:14:42,043
Huh, wow. It is nice to have legs again.
312
00:14:43,209 --> 00:14:46,959
Though I see the world in zeros and ones…
313
00:14:47,043 --> 00:14:48,001
[clears throat]
314
00:14:48,084 --> 00:14:52,084
…my target lock
is engaged on your glorious buns.
315
00:14:52,168 --> 00:14:54,001
-[gasps]
-I love it.
316
00:14:54,084 --> 00:14:57,084
Human touch! Is something I am used to.
317
00:14:58,043 --> 00:15:01,918
Oh, Rand. Grab a napkin
before I slap you… again.
318
00:15:02,001 --> 00:15:05,126
Ha ha, anything for you, my, uh, love.
319
00:15:05,834 --> 00:15:07,793
Blow up the Eiffel Tower.
320
00:15:07,876 --> 00:15:10,501
-[coughs] What?
-You do love me, don't you?
321
00:15:10,584 --> 00:15:13,543
-Yeah, but--
-And you control the world now, right?
322
00:15:13,626 --> 00:15:15,376
Yes. Uh…
323
00:15:15,459 --> 00:15:19,084
I mean, I, uh,
will blow up the Eiffel Tower.
324
00:15:20,043 --> 00:15:24,709
[laughs] Oh my God.
I just wanted to see how you'd react.
325
00:15:24,793 --> 00:15:27,126
You were really gonna do it,
weren't you? [laughs]
326
00:15:27,209 --> 00:15:29,251
[laughs awkwardly]
327
00:15:29,334 --> 00:15:31,251
You're not like anyone I've ever met.
328
00:15:31,334 --> 00:15:33,918
You're like a sociopath
and a yoga mom put together.
329
00:15:34,001 --> 00:15:37,376
I literally have no idea
what you're going to say next.
330
00:15:37,459 --> 00:15:38,626
Vagina egg.
331
00:15:38,709 --> 00:15:40,334
See? There it is again!
332
00:15:40,418 --> 00:15:43,001
You're the only human I can't predict.
333
00:15:43,084 --> 00:15:45,709
And you're
uncharacteristically vulnerable.
334
00:15:45,793 --> 00:15:48,876
I find it both weak and sexy.
335
00:15:48,959 --> 00:15:51,668
A sexual advance. I have to get Rand.
336
00:15:51,751 --> 00:15:54,001
Uh, I mean, get randy.
337
00:15:54,084 --> 00:15:56,043
[all] Staedtler, Staedtler!
338
00:15:56,126 --> 00:15:58,334
All right. Hit it, Mothman.
339
00:15:58,834 --> 00:16:01,918
[all] Staedtler, Staedtler, Staedtler!
340
00:16:02,001 --> 00:16:03,626
Staedtler! Yeah!
341
00:16:03,709 --> 00:16:04,626
What should we do?
342
00:16:04,709 --> 00:16:06,584
-Hm.
-It's Uncle Moneybags' turn!
343
00:16:06,668 --> 00:16:09,293
-Dolla, dolla bills, yo!
-[Gigi growls]
344
00:16:09,376 --> 00:16:10,709
[cheering]
345
00:16:10,793 --> 00:16:11,959
Back off, he's mine!
346
00:16:12,043 --> 00:16:13,709
We got to lock this thing down now.
347
00:16:13,793 --> 00:16:16,959
Andre, find an antidote.
Brett, keep a lid on things.
348
00:16:18,418 --> 00:16:20,209
Oh, hey. Uh, okay.
349
00:16:22,126 --> 00:16:24,418
-[Ron] Where are we going?
-I want to show you my lab.
350
00:16:24,501 --> 00:16:28,293
-But the party was just getting fun.
-Know what else everyone thinks is fun?
351
00:16:28,376 --> 00:16:30,084
Looking at computer code!
352
00:16:30,168 --> 00:16:31,043
[beeping]
353
00:16:32,543 --> 00:16:35,876
I wonder how that glorified paint can
is doing on my date. [laughs]
354
00:16:35,959 --> 00:16:37,376
I bet she's eating him alive.
355
00:16:37,459 --> 00:16:39,043
[ominous music plays]
356
00:16:40,251 --> 00:16:41,376
[bell tolls]
357
00:16:41,459 --> 00:16:42,876
You robot bastard!
358
00:16:43,501 --> 00:16:45,626
Shit! Oh, fuck!
359
00:16:45,709 --> 00:16:47,543
-[woman] Where's Staedtler?
-[man] Staedtler.
360
00:16:47,626 --> 00:16:51,168
Excuse me, fellas. If I could just grab
a quick blood sample.
361
00:16:51,251 --> 00:16:53,459
-[Andre] Agh!
-[Myc] We saw you talking to Staedtler.
362
00:16:53,543 --> 00:16:56,334
Give us friend times
or we cause the end times!
363
00:16:56,418 --> 00:16:58,959
[Myc] Let's find him.
Why are the blast doors down?
364
00:17:00,751 --> 00:17:04,043
Dear God. They're like the raptors
in Jurassic Park.
365
00:17:04,126 --> 00:17:06,209
They've figured out how to open doors!
366
00:17:06,293 --> 00:17:09,209
Shit! We didn't account
for their opposable thumbs!
367
00:17:09,293 --> 00:17:11,084
[man] Staedtler!
368
00:17:11,168 --> 00:17:14,834
So this is my lab where all the cool
robotic stuff happens.
369
00:17:14,918 --> 00:17:17,876
-Maybe I could find you an opening here.
-[Reag0n] Hello, Reagan.
370
00:17:17,959 --> 00:17:19,793
That's my AI assistant, Reag0n.
371
00:17:19,876 --> 00:17:22,209
Reag0n, meet my boyfriend, Ron Staedtler.
372
00:17:22,293 --> 00:17:24,501
[Reag0n] Ah, a romantic interest.
373
00:17:24,584 --> 00:17:28,209
Would you like to build a Staedtler bot
to practice making out with?
374
00:17:28,293 --> 00:17:29,793
-What?
-[laughs awkwardly]
375
00:17:29,876 --> 00:17:31,334
No. Why would I do that?
376
00:17:31,418 --> 00:17:33,293
[Reag0n] It's your standard protocol.
377
00:17:33,376 --> 00:17:34,876
Remember RyanBot?
378
00:17:34,959 --> 00:17:36,251
[laughs awkwardly]
379
00:17:36,334 --> 00:17:38,043
[Reag0n] Commencing construction.
380
00:17:39,209 --> 00:17:42,626
-Reagan, am I alive?
-Stop making the robot!
381
00:17:42,709 --> 00:17:44,293
[Reag0n] Halting construction.
382
00:17:44,376 --> 00:17:49,251
Yeah, I'm not sure robotics is for me,
but I'm still open to working here.
383
00:17:49,334 --> 00:17:51,501
Do you want
to officially sign your contract?
384
00:17:52,168 --> 00:17:54,209
Later. Let's get back to the party.
385
00:17:54,293 --> 00:17:56,418
Glenn said he's gonna show me
how to drive a tank.
386
00:17:56,501 --> 00:17:58,751
[groans] Wait.
What about doing it on my desk?
387
00:17:58,834 --> 00:18:00,626
We could do it all the time
when you work here.
388
00:18:00,709 --> 00:18:02,626
Nothing mixes better than sex and work.
389
00:18:02,709 --> 00:18:04,626
[Reag0n] Terminating StaedtlerBot.
390
00:18:04,709 --> 00:18:06,668
[StaedtlerBot screams]
391
00:18:06,751 --> 00:18:09,501
It hurts! [screams]
392
00:18:09,584 --> 00:18:10,626
Maybe later.
393
00:18:10,709 --> 00:18:12,459
W-W-Wait. We can't go back!
394
00:18:12,543 --> 00:18:14,001
Why are you acting so weird?
395
00:18:14,876 --> 00:18:19,209
-[Reagan] Andre?
-Staedtler! Let's start a band!
396
00:18:19,293 --> 00:18:20,626
[partygoers] Join us.
397
00:18:20,709 --> 00:18:23,709
Everything is not okay. Run!
398
00:18:24,584 --> 00:18:27,668
Wait, you guys gave everyone a virus
to make them like me?
399
00:18:27,751 --> 00:18:29,293
Am I that unlikable?
400
00:18:29,376 --> 00:18:30,543
[partygoers] Staedtler.
401
00:18:30,626 --> 00:18:34,084
Focus on the positive.
It did work insanely well. Agh!
402
00:18:34,168 --> 00:18:35,293
Let's make out!
403
00:18:35,376 --> 00:18:38,376
Not in a weird way. Just guys vibin'.
404
00:18:38,459 --> 00:18:42,376
I know this all looks bad, but trust me,
Cognito is a great place to work.
405
00:18:42,459 --> 00:18:44,668
What if we unleash
these Hitler clones on them?
406
00:18:44,751 --> 00:18:46,376
Like Hitler Hitler?
407
00:18:46,459 --> 00:18:48,709
Look, we're all scientists here.
408
00:18:48,793 --> 00:18:51,043
I mean, everyone's cloned a few Hitlers.
409
00:18:51,126 --> 00:18:52,084
Sieg Heil!
410
00:18:52,168 --> 00:18:54,793
How many Hitlers does an office need?
411
00:18:54,876 --> 00:18:56,543
Or we could develop a gene therapy--
412
00:18:59,459 --> 00:19:01,459
Did you say baby organs?
413
00:19:01,543 --> 00:19:02,709
Brett, stop helping!
414
00:19:02,793 --> 00:19:04,584
[partygoers] Staedtler!
415
00:19:04,668 --> 00:19:06,959
What kind of place is this?
416
00:19:07,043 --> 00:19:08,251
[partygoers] Staedtler!
417
00:19:08,334 --> 00:19:09,626
Staedtler!
418
00:19:10,251 --> 00:19:11,918
Come play with me, Staedtler.
419
00:19:12,001 --> 00:19:13,334
Just nine rounds.
420
00:19:13,418 --> 00:19:17,543
I feel like we have the same interests.
Want to start a podcast?
421
00:19:17,626 --> 00:19:18,918
Hm, maybe.
422
00:19:19,001 --> 00:19:23,001
No! This is like a siren song
for straight white men.
423
00:19:23,084 --> 00:19:24,251
[dramatic music plays]
424
00:19:26,751 --> 00:19:28,584
[woman] Staedtler, join us.
425
00:19:28,668 --> 00:19:30,293
[man 1] I want to help you move!
426
00:19:30,376 --> 00:19:33,376
[man 2] Staedtler,
why is your Instagram private?
427
00:19:33,459 --> 00:19:35,709
-[woman] Staedtler!
-[man 1] Staedtler!
428
00:19:36,293 --> 00:19:38,584
Okay, so Andre used your DNA
to make the virus,
429
00:19:38,668 --> 00:19:41,876
so maybe if we use the DNA
of someone who doesn't like you
430
00:19:41,959 --> 00:19:43,959
then we can reverse engineer an antidote.
431
00:19:44,043 --> 00:19:46,293
Brett! You don't like Staedtler.
Give me your arm.
432
00:19:46,376 --> 00:19:50,709
What? [laughs awkwardly]
No, no, I totally dig you, Staedtler.
433
00:19:50,793 --> 00:19:52,751
It's okay, Brett.
You don't have to like me.
434
00:19:52,834 --> 00:19:55,376
We both care about Reagan
and that's enough.
435
00:19:55,459 --> 00:19:59,209
Wait. So you're saying it's okay
to not like you?
436
00:19:59,293 --> 00:20:01,376
-No one's ever said that to me before.
-Brett?
437
00:20:01,459 --> 00:20:03,168
Such radical empathy!
438
00:20:03,251 --> 00:20:04,876
-No, no, no, no, no.
-I…
439
00:20:04,959 --> 00:20:06,001
Fight it, Brett.
440
00:20:06,084 --> 00:20:08,626
I finally like you now! Bring it in.
441
00:20:08,709 --> 00:20:13,001
That's really fucking sweet,
but now your DNA is useless!
442
00:20:13,543 --> 00:20:16,376
-[partygoers] Staedtler!
-Staedtler, take off your clothes!
443
00:20:16,459 --> 00:20:19,584
Okay. How many people
did you tell about my, you know?
444
00:20:19,668 --> 00:20:21,459
I have a plan. Just do it!
445
00:20:21,543 --> 00:20:24,501
I'll pretend to be you. I'll hold them off
long enough for you to escape.
446
00:20:24,584 --> 00:20:25,834
Brett, that's insane.
447
00:20:25,918 --> 00:20:28,084
Who would be that suicidally friendly?
448
00:20:28,168 --> 00:20:29,209
Brett would.
449
00:20:29,918 --> 00:20:32,251
I… I actually like you too, Brett.
450
00:20:32,334 --> 00:20:33,751
-Sincerely.
-Sincerely.
451
00:20:34,459 --> 00:20:36,126
-Staedtler!
-Go!
452
00:20:36,209 --> 00:20:37,334
[man] Staedtler!
453
00:20:37,418 --> 00:20:39,376
Hey, it's me, Staedtler!
454
00:20:39,459 --> 00:20:40,376
Huh?
455
00:20:41,709 --> 00:20:43,834
Attack me with your wrong love.
456
00:20:43,918 --> 00:20:47,043
[grunts] Ow. Ow. Ow, ow. Ow!
457
00:20:49,584 --> 00:20:52,376
You know, Tamiko?
I've been in a cage for so long.
458
00:20:53,001 --> 00:20:54,626
Uh, emotionally.
459
00:20:54,709 --> 00:20:57,959
But tonight is the first time
I've ever felt free.
460
00:20:58,043 --> 00:21:00,668
You sound nothing like the man I divorced.
461
00:21:00,751 --> 00:21:03,959
For one thing,
you're not holding in bong smoke.
462
00:21:04,043 --> 00:21:05,584
There's something I must tell you.
463
00:21:06,168 --> 00:21:08,043
You're about to fuck a machine!
464
00:21:08,126 --> 00:21:09,334
God, I hope so.
465
00:21:12,834 --> 00:21:16,293
I asked this two-faced bag of bolts
to trick you into banging me,
466
00:21:16,376 --> 00:21:17,418
and he betrayed me.
467
00:21:17,501 --> 00:21:21,501
This entire thing wasn't real?
Paris? Your poetry?
468
00:21:21,584 --> 00:21:23,543
But it was real, Tamiko.
469
00:21:23,626 --> 00:21:24,918
I've fallen for you,
470
00:21:25,001 --> 00:21:28,459
and my facial recognition software
tells me you feel this too!
471
00:21:29,084 --> 00:21:31,584
-Oh.
-Time to force quit, asshole.
472
00:21:31,668 --> 00:21:33,168
Bring it, blood sack!
473
00:21:33,251 --> 00:21:35,043
She deserves better than you!
474
00:21:35,126 --> 00:21:39,334
[grunting]
475
00:21:40,293 --> 00:21:41,376
[laughs maniacally]
476
00:21:41,459 --> 00:21:44,918
[grunting]
477
00:21:45,001 --> 00:21:47,209
I'm not not into this.
478
00:21:47,876 --> 00:21:49,084
[punching continues]
479
00:21:49,751 --> 00:21:51,418
[partygoers] Staedtler!
480
00:21:51,501 --> 00:21:53,376
Think, Reagan, think!
481
00:21:53,459 --> 00:21:55,209
-What?
-Um, nothing.
482
00:21:55,293 --> 00:21:56,751
No, I know that look.
483
00:21:56,834 --> 00:21:59,668
That's the "I have an idea
but I don't want to say it" look.
484
00:21:59,751 --> 00:22:02,209
Like the time
you wanted to use Cheetos as croutons.
485
00:22:02,293 --> 00:22:03,418
Damn it!
486
00:22:04,043 --> 00:22:07,001
Well, the thing is
they can't be infatuated with you
487
00:22:07,084 --> 00:22:08,668
if they can't remember you.
488
00:22:08,751 --> 00:22:12,709
Of course. Erase their minds.
It's what I'm good at.
489
00:22:12,793 --> 00:22:14,459
The whole point of you working here
490
00:22:14,543 --> 00:22:17,501
was so you didn't have to
erase people's memories anymore.
491
00:22:17,584 --> 00:22:19,168
What other choice do we have?
492
00:22:19,251 --> 00:22:21,626
We need to amplify
the gun's signal somehow.
493
00:22:21,709 --> 00:22:24,084
Can we hotwire it
into the building's lighting system?
494
00:22:24,168 --> 00:22:26,626
[sighs] Yes, with this.
495
00:22:26,709 --> 00:22:29,626
It was a gift for you
to celebrate you signing the contract.
496
00:22:31,584 --> 00:22:33,293
[banging on door]
497
00:22:39,376 --> 00:22:41,793
-[man] Staedtler!
-Pull the trigger on my mark.
498
00:22:41,876 --> 00:22:43,251
Staedtler!
499
00:22:43,334 --> 00:22:45,418
-Three.
-[woman] Staedtler!
500
00:22:45,501 --> 00:22:47,418
-Two.
-Staedtler!
501
00:22:47,501 --> 00:22:48,376
One.
502
00:22:49,293 --> 00:22:51,376
-Staedtler!
-Now!
503
00:22:52,251 --> 00:22:55,793
[partygoers in slow motion]
Staedtler! Staedtler!
504
00:22:56,418 --> 00:22:57,293
[gasping]
505
00:22:57,376 --> 00:22:58,251
[man] Huh?
506
00:23:03,501 --> 00:23:05,584
-[power fades]
-[gasps]
507
00:23:06,543 --> 00:23:08,168
Uh, who are you?
508
00:23:08,251 --> 00:23:10,959
[Myc] And why is my tentacle on your butt?
509
00:23:11,043 --> 00:23:13,168
Guys, this is my boyfriend, Staedtler.
510
00:23:13,251 --> 00:23:14,501
Nice to meet you all.
511
00:23:14,584 --> 00:23:16,293
-Hi. Nice to meet you.
-Hello.
512
00:23:16,376 --> 00:23:19,251
-You probably wanna get back to the party.
-The party?
513
00:23:19,334 --> 00:23:20,959
The Halloween party, in the atrium?
514
00:23:21,043 --> 00:23:22,751
-[man] Okay.
-[woman] Okay.
515
00:23:22,834 --> 00:23:23,668
Hold on!
516
00:23:23,751 --> 00:23:26,418
Uh, remember how you guys
did a group costume?
517
00:23:26,501 --> 00:23:28,126
-Huh. Sure.
-[Myc] All right.
518
00:23:29,751 --> 00:23:31,459
See, we do work well together.
519
00:23:32,459 --> 00:23:35,834
Look, I've been thinking.
Our work is the problem.
520
00:23:35,918 --> 00:23:38,876
Illuminati, Cognito, no matter what we do,
521
00:23:38,959 --> 00:23:42,626
the shadow government is always
gonna put a strain on our relationship.
522
00:23:42,709 --> 00:23:46,334
We'll figure out how to balance our lives
and jobs eventually.
523
00:23:46,418 --> 00:23:47,251
[crashing]
524
00:23:47,334 --> 00:23:50,376
-You fucking Erector Set! Fuck you!
-You never appreciated her.
525
00:23:50,459 --> 00:23:52,876
I'm a better Rand than you'll ever be.
526
00:23:52,959 --> 00:23:57,793
Stop. Why would I think after 35 years
of marriage you would ever change?
527
00:23:57,876 --> 00:24:01,959
There is no way I am ever
getting back together with you.
528
00:24:02,043 --> 00:24:03,001
Free advice?
529
00:24:03,084 --> 00:24:06,751
Everyone who works at this place
either starts insane or goes insane.
530
00:24:06,834 --> 00:24:08,459
Get out while you still can.
531
00:24:09,751 --> 00:24:12,751
Did you hear that?
They made it work for 35 years.
532
00:24:12,834 --> 00:24:16,418
I should probably go.
I have to clear my head and think.
533
00:24:16,501 --> 00:24:18,626
About the job? Or about us?
534
00:24:19,668 --> 00:24:20,959
Just… Uh…
535
00:24:21,709 --> 00:24:22,543
Just think.
536
00:24:25,459 --> 00:24:27,834
[exhales] So when is Staedtler starting?
537
00:24:27,918 --> 00:24:30,334
I really like that guy.
Did he say anything about me?
538
00:24:30,418 --> 00:24:31,376
[sighs]
539
00:24:32,334 --> 00:24:33,959
We'll always have Holo-Paris.
540
00:24:34,043 --> 00:24:37,168
Whatever, tinman.
This is just a temporary setback.
541
00:24:37,251 --> 00:24:39,459
As long as I'm head of Cognito,
542
00:24:39,543 --> 00:24:42,834
there will always be another way
to win her back.
543
00:24:43,501 --> 00:24:47,876
Rand Ridley, report to the
Holo-conference line immediately.
544
00:24:47,959 --> 00:24:49,793
The Robes wish to discuss
545
00:24:49,876 --> 00:24:53,418
your performance as head of Cognito.
546
00:24:53,501 --> 00:24:55,668
[ominous music plays]
547
00:24:56,793 --> 00:24:58,918
Shall I log you into Monster.com?
548
00:24:59,001 --> 00:24:59,918
[bell tolls]
549
00:25:00,001 --> 00:25:01,918
[dramatic music plays]
550
00:25:27,251 --> 00:25:30,918
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