Nice.
Why won't Ron text me back?
Reagan, like I said to Bush after 9/11, you gotta wait this thing out.
Diggity dope morning, bro-workers.
Question, if you guys had one wish, what would it be?
More Simpsons porn.
That's right. I'm the one person who likes that.
You're wondering who's that for? It's me! Guys like me.
Disturbing. And no!
Bruh, I'm not really in the mood for a big team hang right now.
I may have just lost the love of my life
-Yikes! Coffee break!
I never thought I'd go from Harvard to serving coffee,
but what the fuck is that!?
Just an action-packed adventure.
Fun for ages six to six and a half.
Oh no, this is bad. This is very bad!
The movie? Yeah, but it's like good bad.
No, you idiot. There's no such movie as Shazaam.
It was called Kazaam with a "Kuh,"
and it starred Shaq, the Sinbad of basketball.
-That can't be right. I remember a movie Shazaam.
I know I saw it.
You think you remember it
because the fabric of space-time has been tampered with!
We've entered a parallel timeline.
Quick! Tattoo everything you know about yourselves on your bodies!
-Oh my God. -Shit!
-That's kind of working for you though. -Here's proof of the prime timeline.
This means one thing.
Rand's unearthed Project Reboot.
The universe is at risk unless we stop him!
-What's happening?
Tattoo guns?
Oh God, this is an emergency!
Reagan!
J.R., the only way my dad manipulates reality
is with vodka and Korean boner pills.
You're misremembering the name of the movie.
No one has seen Rand for days.
He could be passed out in his office, or it could be much worse.
-Oh, Lord!
He's gone AWOL in the damn head.
Okay, this is more Howard Hughes than I would have thought.
What's Project Reboot, and where the hell is my dad?
I feared this day would come.
It all began years ago.
Also, do you want like a T-shirt or like a… like a large towel?
It all began years ago in college at Harvard. Tap, tap.
We get it. You went to Harvard.
and your dad arrived with an attitude problem.
You really need two tuxedos?
It's called class.
and I hated him because he was an abrasive asshole.
Oh!
I told you, this beer is for the Harvard Lampoon!
They control comedy for some reason.
So buy more with Daddy's credit card.
I'm trying to build a perv bot to spy on that sorority.
I'm intrigued, but isn't that a little creepy?
Oh yeah, majorly.
But in the late '70s, this is considered lightheartedly comedic.
-I heard the word beer in there.
That makes me think there's beer in there!
Shit, the RA. Stall him.
Doug, wow, you're looking fit these days. You've been pumping iron?
Hm.
Although we hated each other, we realized when two people
with enormous egos and really weird-shaped dicks join forces,
anything is possible.
We decided to go into business together.
I'm calling this a success. It buried itself.
Finally, we came up with something that would put us on the map forever.
You've actually done it. A time machine! Want to explain how it works?
Nope.
Good enough for me. Let's fire this bad boy up!
Throw on this tinfoil hat to be safe.
Seriously, tinfoil?
The chrono-resistant properties of aluminum
allow it to preserve the freshness of casseroles and space-time.
But sure, keep it off if you want to risk permanent timeline alterations.
Huh.
All right. Here we go. Three, two, one.
Did we travel back in time?
Ah, shit! Your face is naked.
Your horrible mustache is gone!
-What the hell? -And there's only one moon.
Wait, what the fuck? One moon?
Oh yeah, minor thing. There used to be two moons.
Surfing was way more fun in the old timeline.
Menstrual cycles were hell though.
Don't you see what this means?
Project Reboot worked!
Not as a time machine, but it worked!
The machine created random changes to the present
by altering small events in the past.
Now we're in timeline "B" where I have no mustache,
there's only one moon,
Look, Christian bears aside, is this gonna make us any money?
You're worried about money?
This machine alters reality itself.
If we could perfect it, we could become gods,
and no one could stop--
-Agh! No, I'm too rich to die! -If you're gonna kill us, do it quick.
I want to spend as little of my life in this building as possible.
Your machine is tampering
with unholy godlike forces not meant for man.
That's our job.
Who the hell are you Dorito-headed dipshits?
We are the power behind all things.
The true rulers of the world,
but our ancient ways have gotten…
…a bit out of date.
We need help modernizing.
Wait, you want to give us a job?
Your innovation and daring have impressed us.
We ask only that you dismantle Project Reboot.
In exchange, we will hire you to create a shadow company
using your technological wizardry.
We will grant you the power to control the world on our behalf.
Ah, my old evidence-burying shovel.
Tonight, we dance again.
Rand, we don't know who these guys are or the true extent of their powers.
We should not go behind their backs and fuck with them.
That's why we need this machine as an insurance policy.
Trust me. You'll thank me one day.
An inspirational story.
Until now.
Rand must have started up the machine and reality itself is in danger.
Very Christopher Nolan,
in that I don't understand it
and it gets worse the more questions you ask.
Jesus, there is nothing my dad can't ruin. This is what you guys wanted, right?
Vodka water coolers and cosmic annihilation.
I told you guys he'd be the end of us all.
But Rand is finally in charge of the company.
Why would he choose now to go postal-er?
The Robes.
He must be in danger of losing his job and he's trying to get it back.
What are you doing?
Scanning our brains to preserve our current memories.
I have a feeling things are about to get pretty convoluted.
We got to find Project Reboot and stop Rand from destroying reality.
Hey, Alpha-Beta. I got a job for you.
Really? Am I part of the group now?
We're gonna need a better way to track timeline changes
than giving each other face tattoos.
What the shit happened to Andre?
Rand must have used the machine again.
We're now in Timeline 1D, where Andre may or may not exist,
footballs are cube-shaped,
and Brett's movie starred a whale, apparently.
J.R., fire up the van.
Oh, sorry. I haven't driven myself since the Carter Administration.
-Uh, are you gonna put on a shirt? -Yeah.
-It's very distracting. -Put it away!
No.
Shotgun!
Also, we're listening to my podcast on the way.
Okay, no response yet,
but at least in this version of the apocalypse we're still dating.
Today, we have on friend of the pod, Elon Musk,
who I kidnapped and tied to a chair.
Say hi, Elon.
God, our banter's electric.
Okay, according to J.R.'s body, that I'm still having confusing feelings about,
this is where the machine is hidden with your dad.
What are you doing?
Turning you into a reality scanner.
This is insulting, Reagan. I look like a Teletubby!
No, you don't.
Now we can use the power of your tummy screen…
Don't call it that.
…and find out what happened to Andre.
Look away. This might be gruesome.
Ah, I've freshly dropped out of college and stolen this robe.
Hello there, whippersnapper.
Would you be interested in joining a covert shadow organization?
Well, sure, I…
Whoa, a dollar! I'm gonna buy a lotto ticket.
Lemon, lemon. Y-Y-Yes! Fuck, yes! I'm a millionaire.
Okay, so good. He won the lottery.
Now he's America's favorite TV doctor!
In my medical opinion, this guy's a freak!
Let's party, bro!
Uh, I thought I was gonna get medical advice.
My life could not be any better right now!
I would change nothing.
Wow, universe 1D is treating Andre right.
The team will be relieved.
Wait, maybe we should keep this to ourselves.
These guys tend to get easily distracted.
If they knew Andre was okay,
they might flake out on the mission and start pursuing their own side plots.
They wouldn't when the fate of the world is at… Huh.
The fate of the world is at stake!
-I have a thing. -We're out of time.
-Rain check. -So dramatic.
You want me to do what about what?
-Overreaction alert. -Can you hold on?
What's going on?
How bad is it on a scale from Inception to Interstellar to…
…Tenet?
Well, actually, he's…
Oh my God. No!
Andre is dickless!
What?
Yeah, in this reality he got his dick stuck in a pretzel maker.
Just wetzeled the thing into a… a knot.
And he became a Scientologist.
That's disgusting!
The thing about his dick too.
Are you sure? Let me see that thing.
Guys, we have to focus on the mission.
For Andre's dick.
-Anomaly incoming! Brace yourselves!
Oh God, President Reagan is dead!
Well, I guess if no one's gonna tell me to tear this thing down,
uh, let's… extend it?
What the hell was that?
In this timeline, Russia won the Cold War.
Also, Paul Giamatti is a sex symbol for some reason.
This is an outrage!
Those Russkies will never take me alive. Suicide pact! Who's in?
It's not worth it! No!
So, we're owned by Russia now.
How dystopian could these timeline glitches get?
Also, dinosaurs never went extinct.
Goddamn it, Rand!
"Shamuzaamskisaurus: Dinosaur Stalin Whale Genie."
Ridiculous! The gang's favorite movie is Shazaam starring Sinbad.
"Kuh, kuh!" Kazaam, fuck!
There, there, you're safe now.
I'm starting to hit my limit on wacky, sci-fi bullshit.
This mission better be worth it.
Fellas, I'm sensing a classic Reagan screw job.
I just saw Andre's face on a billboard and his dick looked fine.
What?! If anybody's gonna be famous in this timeline, it better be me.
Oh, damn it! I knew we should have taken the UFO.
We have a UFO?
Yeah, but it's always crashing. Cheap-ass Roswell labor.
Brett, when this is all over, you can fly the UFO.
-Okay?
I'll fix the flat.
Hold on, Ron. I'll fix this reality. Just… Just don't go anywhere.
He's a fucking millionaire?
-Oh, shit. -No, no, no!
I didn't want to show them, Reagan.
Glenn keeps fiddling with my tummy antenna.
You weren't gonna tell us that Andre is a millionaire?
And he got a horse penis transplant and his dick is better than ever?
Maybe Rand's changes are actually good for the world.
I want to know what Universe 1G has in store for Gigi!
Guys, guys, let's all calm down. It's what Shazaam would want.
I lied because I knew you would get distracted by your own interests
and bail on me again.
You think I forgot what happened when my dad took over?
What's going on?
I want to see my alternate timeline.
Come here, you glorified Etch A Sketch!
Myc, I never thought it would happen, but you did it.
You're pregnant!
Sweet shiitake, I have spores! I'm gonna be a mother!
Give me that!
Glenn Dolphman!
Gimme some sugar, Dolores.
You mean there's a timeline where I didn't get the dolphin surgery
and Dolores never left me?
Goddamn, I miss my fingers!
You know how hard it is to jack off with fish webs?
Gigi, please!
Just a normal day as queen of the fucking Illuminati!
Lin-Manuel, start rapping about how much you suck.
Yes, Queen.
My God, in this timeline, none of us work for Cognito
and every one of us lived our goddamn dream lives.
Don't you understand?
Those are just temporary false realities. We have to get back to the real one!
I get it.
You want to keep the timeline from changing
because you finally found a boyfriend.
What? No!
Well, maybe some of us are sick of our realities
and we'd like better ones.
All I know is, I'm ready for the joys of motherhood! Myc out!
I hereby honorably discharge myself.
Wait, Gigi--
Look, this is something I've wanted my whole life, Reagan.
I… I have to take this chance.
Gigi's Louboutin has a home in Lin-Manuel's ass.
Now wait a goddamn second.
You're telling me everyone on the team got positive timelines except us?
What in the reverse white privilege shit is that?
J.R., in front of you! Look out!
Reagan, I'll tend to J.R. You complete the mission.
Thanks, AB. You've been a real team player today.
It was nice to finally have a team.
Wait, you had those the whole time? I'm literally missing an arm.
Again, such a good job today.
Leave it to my dad to destroy reality
just to keep his fucking job!
This is crazy. It's like we're walking through some kind of blizzard.
A reality blizzard.
Note to self, pitch show called Reality Blizzard to Amazon.
Nolan can co-EP, but not show run. He'll be too controlling.
Brett, focus. Now is not the time to coin new sci-fi shit.
The time anomalies are reaching maximum impossibility limit factor.
You have to hurry!
The final showdown, us versus your dad.
You think he's got it booby-trapped? What's wrong?
Thanks for sticking by me when no one else did.
A good leader wouldn't drag their best friend
into their dad's bullshit.
I don't know if we'll ever get back to our realities,
but I've seen yours and it looks good.
If I succeed, I'll see you again.
But if not, good luck, Brett.
But…
All right, asshole! You've messed with my life long enough!
No, that's not it.
I want to just…
What?
Dad, are all these bottles half full of whiskey or… pee?
Oh, I lost track days ago.
I thought that you were trying to get revenge on the Robes for firing you.
Why are you doing this?
That's how many times.
That's how many times I tried to get you both back.
You and your mother. Into the same timeline.
But it never works, Reagan.
No matter how many times I try, you both hate me.
You did all this just to get us back?
I had everything.
I had my job, I had power.
I know it's a fucking cliché, but it's true.
You don't know what matters most until you lose it.
Please, help me fix it. Help me get her here.
Dad, this was never gonna work.
You can't just hit a button over and over
and expect a relationship to go back to the way it was.
And I know that it is scary to give up control.
You don't have to do it alone.
Let's shut this thing down together.
Guess our shit timeline's better than nothing.
Let's pack it in, kiddo.
-Agh!
-Reagan!
So there you are, partner.
Look at you. You're enjoying this, aren't you?
What? How do I look like I'm enjoying anything?
You see these pee jars?
All year, you've put me through hell,
and then you went and gave everyone else on the team their dream timeline
after I propped your drunk ass up your whole career?
Oh, please.
Without me, you'd be another rich brat working in the non-shadow government.
I've been taking your advice my whole life and look what I have to show for it.
I'm gonna get what's coming to me. The money, the house, the car!
And I'm finally gonna get my humorous essays published
in the goddamn Harvard Lampoon!
J.R.! The machine, it's totally unpredictable.
Press that button, you could end up in hell.
I'm willing to take that chance.
J.R., you are going to destroy the universe!
No!
I was finally gonna get an infinity pool!
Wait, is that…?
Brett! You came back!
But how did you remember this reality?
I made notes on my poster,
and then that helped me remember that we had this!
Oh, a poster.
I tattooed my whole body with liquid tinfoil for nothing.
Plus, we got to take the flying saucer.
Wait, what do you mean "we"?
Guys, but why?
We got to our alternate timelines,
but the more your dad kept pressing that button,
the more they all went to shit.
Turns out I wasn't pregnant. I just had way too much Del Taco.
I've been there.
And I almost bent the knee to the goddamn Russkies.
I serve only you, President Putin.
Wait a second. What the heck am I saying?
Better dead than red!
Thank you, convenient alien spaceship.
And I got tired of having a horse penis.
Okay, hear me out, what if I surgically gave you a horse vagina?
Where are you going, my wife Scarlett Johansson?
I had to run the Illuminati's Disney Channel division, Reagan.
Doc McStuffins?
More like Doc McStuffed with satanic messages!
And I was the world's preeminent puppeteer.
But that world is so catty.
Your stitching is…
…fine.
You said something nice, but it felt mean.
So we rebooted our memories and now we're here.
Glad to have you back, guys.
Glad to be back.
-Me too! -Amen.
I'll admit, I'm finally starting to like you guys.
Alpha-Beta's memory drive should let us restore the timeline
Okay. Now.
-Yes!
Wait, to when you reprogrammed him? So that means…
SHAZAAM - SINBAD
Great. Well, now my back tattoo makes no sense.
Hey! Where are you taking us?
And what does this mean for my internship?
You're both going in front of the Robes for sentencing.
I better not wind up sharing a cell with that asshole again.
College was enough.
Dad, maybe going to Shadow Prison X is the best way to protect you from yourself.
I spent my whole life thinking you were a hero or a villain,
but you're not. You're just… my dad.
A screw-up.
Well, I think interventions are bullshit.
But in this case, you might be right.
I might be what now?
You're right, okay?
I'm sorry for everything, kiddo.
When you run Cognito, just do things better than I did.