1
00:00:18,959 --> 00:00:22,418
Okay. Dad and evil boss In jail.
2
00:00:22,501 --> 00:00:23,709
Reality restored.
3
00:00:23,793 --> 00:00:25,626
Zero hours of sleep.
4
00:00:25,709 --> 00:00:29,168
Ow, God! And a new
catastrophic workplace injury.
5
00:00:29,251 --> 00:00:31,959
Thanks, J.R. God, I hate this fucking--
6
00:00:33,126 --> 00:00:35,334
-Yes!
7
00:00:35,418 --> 00:00:37,251
Welcome back, Boss Friend Forever!
8
00:00:37,751 --> 00:00:39,459
Brett, did you do all this?
9
00:00:39,543 --> 00:00:41,876
No, dog. They did it on their own.
10
00:00:41,959 --> 00:00:44,126
Who'd have thought the best timeline
was this one?
11
00:00:48,293 --> 00:00:49,584
Thank you, Reagan.
12
00:00:49,668 --> 00:00:51,126
You rescued me from a timeline
13
00:00:51,209 --> 00:00:53,668
where a teleporter
turned me into Jeff Goldblum.
14
00:00:53,751 --> 00:00:57,209
I was trapped in a dystopia
where Kennedy never got shot.
15
00:00:57,293 --> 00:01:00,251
It was awful.
He ended up killing millions.
16
00:01:00,334 --> 00:01:01,876
And we had three faces!
17
00:01:01,959 --> 00:01:04,001
It was unnatural.
18
00:01:04,084 --> 00:01:07,001
We're just glad we don't
have to listen to these guys anymore.
19
00:01:07,084 --> 00:01:09,834
Are these jumpsuits made
out of fucking polyester?
20
00:01:09,918 --> 00:01:11,334
I already have crotch rash!
21
00:01:11,418 --> 00:01:13,293
Will you stop manhandling your crotch?
22
00:01:13,376 --> 00:01:16,668
Oh! Like I didn't live all four years
in our college dorm
23
00:01:16,751 --> 00:01:20,084
listening to your abusive relationship
with your right hand!
24
00:01:20,751 --> 00:01:23,459
Hey, you two!
Save the shanking for the Death Arena!
25
00:01:23,543 --> 00:01:26,418
-Oh, yeah, the Death Arena.
-I hate that fucking arena.
26
00:01:27,293 --> 00:01:28,501
You earned this.
27
00:01:28,584 --> 00:01:30,959
You led Cognito through a gauntlet.
28
00:01:31,043 --> 00:01:32,959
And saved all these POWs.
29
00:01:33,043 --> 00:01:36,543
"Prisoners of warped realities."
Glenn coined that one.
30
00:01:36,626 --> 00:01:37,834
I'm a wordsmith!
31
00:01:37,918 --> 00:01:40,043
I don't know what to say, guys.
32
00:01:40,126 --> 00:01:42,001
It's your moment, pal. Enjoy it.
33
00:01:42,084 --> 00:01:43,584
-Well, I--
34
00:01:48,876 --> 00:01:53,126
Time for our first totally normal day
with zero crazy personal drama.
35
00:01:53,209 --> 00:01:56,126
See? She's so relaxed,
she's completely frozen.
36
00:01:56,209 --> 00:01:59,084
Right, Reagan? Right? Right? Reagan?
37
00:01:59,168 --> 00:02:00,709
-Reagan?
-Yeah!
38
00:02:00,793 --> 00:02:03,584
Aw, I love how weird she is.
39
00:02:27,584 --> 00:02:30,834
Reagan Ridley,
on behalf of the Illuminati,
40
00:02:30,918 --> 00:02:33,876
I wish to thank you for doing
what I never could.
41
00:02:33,959 --> 00:02:35,626
Destroying your father.
42
00:02:35,709 --> 00:02:38,209
Thank you, but he destroyed himself.
43
00:02:38,293 --> 00:02:40,251
Although he did team up with whiskey.
44
00:02:40,334 --> 00:02:44,459
Please accept this
as a small, humble token of our thanks.
45
00:02:45,293 --> 00:02:46,959
-Wow!
A little over-the-top.
46
00:02:47,043 --> 00:02:48,751
I don't hate this.
47
00:02:50,209 --> 00:02:53,584
I talked to God,
and He's gonna send you to VIP heaven.
48
00:02:53,668 --> 00:02:56,751
You're not going to shitty heaven
with the regular people.
49
00:02:56,834 --> 00:02:58,876
You saved the world for real, ninjette!
50
00:02:58,959 --> 00:03:01,918
Please accept this gift basket.
51
00:03:02,501 --> 00:03:03,334
Ugh!
52
00:03:03,418 --> 00:03:06,834
I've seen enough anime
to know which holes these go in!
53
00:03:06,918 --> 00:03:09,334
We expect great things, Reagan.
54
00:03:09,418 --> 00:03:10,251
Cognito!
55
00:03:11,376 --> 00:03:15,376
Whoa, the entire global conspiracy
just got behind you!
56
00:03:15,459 --> 00:03:17,626
The weight of the world
is on your shoulders.
57
00:03:17,709 --> 00:03:20,501
Finally, a reason
for you to have shitty posture.
58
00:03:21,626 --> 00:03:25,876
Guys, I appreciate all of this,
but we still have a cover-up to focus on.
59
00:03:25,959 --> 00:03:28,709
There's still some leftover anomalies
that need to be contained.
60
00:03:29,709 --> 00:03:33,626
The damage to our timeline has
caused a number of minor inconsistencies.
61
00:03:33,709 --> 00:03:35,001
Plot holes, if you will.
62
00:03:35,084 --> 00:03:38,626
Oh, of course,
like how some celebrities are reptoids
63
00:03:38,709 --> 00:03:40,584
and others are randomly Illuminati.
64
00:03:40,668 --> 00:03:42,709
It's like Illuminati stuff came later!
65
00:03:42,793 --> 00:03:45,501
Or like how I used to say
I wasn't an alien,
66
00:03:45,584 --> 00:03:49,251
and then you guys found out
my species arrived on an asteroid.
67
00:03:49,334 --> 00:03:52,793
Exactly. These plot holes
were all caused by the machine.
68
00:03:52,876 --> 00:03:54,668
-Very satisfying.
-Future stuff too!
69
00:03:54,751 --> 00:03:57,168
But the major anomalies
are still causing chaos.
70
00:03:57,251 --> 00:03:59,876
Like here. A warehouse
full of Berenstain Bears books
71
00:03:59,959 --> 00:04:03,501
where their names are spelled wrong.
Also, their genitals are showing.
72
00:04:03,584 --> 00:04:06,043
Papa Bear is packin'.
73
00:04:06,126 --> 00:04:08,751
We have six hours
before the changes become permanent.
74
00:04:08,834 --> 00:04:12,251
We need to isolate and contain
every plot hole from this past season.
75
00:04:12,334 --> 00:04:14,084
Of summer. The season of summer.
76
00:04:14,168 --> 00:04:15,959
Hey, Brett, sidebar?
77
00:04:16,668 --> 00:04:18,001
"We need to talk."
78
00:04:19,001 --> 00:04:21,876
Dang! That always means
breakups or cancer.
79
00:04:21,959 --> 00:04:23,126
Maybe it's just cancer.
80
00:04:23,209 --> 00:04:24,793
I need some time to figure this out.
81
00:04:24,876 --> 00:04:26,668
Do you think you could run things
for the day?
82
00:04:26,751 --> 00:04:29,626
Me? In charge of a whole workforce,
like Santa?
83
00:04:29,709 --> 00:04:32,834
Come on! You're not the same Brett
you were when you started here!
84
00:04:32,918 --> 00:04:34,543
You can handle this.
85
00:04:35,459 --> 00:04:38,293
Just remember, being a boss
means making tough decisions.
86
00:04:38,376 --> 00:04:41,126
-Sometimes you have to kill your babies.
-I resent that!
87
00:04:41,209 --> 00:04:42,918
It's a figure of speech!
88
00:04:43,001 --> 00:04:44,626
Fucking Steve!
89
00:04:44,709 --> 00:04:47,543
Uh, Brett is in charge for the day,
90
00:04:47,626 --> 00:04:50,501
and I want you to give him
the same respect that you've given me
91
00:04:50,584 --> 00:04:52,084
starting roughly this morning.
92
00:04:53,084 --> 00:04:55,043
All right, team. Let's get out there and--
93
00:04:55,126 --> 00:04:56,459
Hey! Where's everybody going?
94
00:04:56,543 --> 00:04:58,376
This just turned into a snow day.
95
00:04:58,459 --> 00:05:01,168
Except for the 0% body fat,
you're a big softie.
96
00:05:01,959 --> 00:05:06,084
Oh, yeah? Would a big softie
vaporize his favorite movie anomaly?
97
00:05:07,459 --> 00:05:09,418
-Damn!
-He killed his baby!
98
00:05:09,501 --> 00:05:10,334
Shooting!
99
00:05:10,418 --> 00:05:14,793
That's right, there's a new sheriff
in town. "Sheriff Boss"!
100
00:05:18,793 --> 00:05:21,668
I'm sticking around
to see how dumb this gets.
101
00:05:22,584 --> 00:05:26,418
All right, listen up. Confiscate the
presidential portraits of Dennis Rodman,
102
00:05:26,501 --> 00:05:28,543
sandblast the Pepsi logo off the moon,
103
00:05:28,626 --> 00:05:31,793
and figure out how many Oscars
Meryl Streep is supposed to have.
104
00:05:31,876 --> 00:05:33,043
Three sounds kind of low.
105
00:05:33,126 --> 00:05:34,876
Yes, sir! Right away, sir!
106
00:05:35,376 --> 00:05:37,209
Man, leadership is easy.
107
00:05:37,293 --> 00:05:39,793
You just yell the things you want,
and they happen.
108
00:05:40,293 --> 00:05:42,459
Massive anomaly detected right here in DC.
109
00:05:42,543 --> 00:05:45,084
Brett's get dangerous! All together now.
110
00:05:45,168 --> 00:05:46,793
-No chance.
-Not doing that.
111
00:05:46,876 --> 00:05:48,084
Come on, guys.
112
00:05:48,168 --> 00:05:49,001
Okay, okay.
113
00:05:49,084 --> 00:05:50,376
Brett's get dangerous.
114
00:05:50,876 --> 00:05:51,709
That's better.
115
00:05:57,126 --> 00:05:59,168
Hey, the door was unlocked and--
116
00:05:59,251 --> 00:06:00,709
Oh God. You're leaving?
117
00:06:00,793 --> 00:06:01,668
Reagan. I--
118
00:06:01,751 --> 00:06:05,251
I don't hear from you for days
and you're moving?
119
00:06:05,334 --> 00:06:08,084
I'm sorry. I needed time
to think things over.
120
00:06:08,168 --> 00:06:11,334
Do you know how many times
we've almost died since we met?
121
00:06:11,418 --> 00:06:13,584
Um, well, together or separately?
122
00:06:13,668 --> 00:06:16,376
Look, before you break up with me,
I just want to say--
123
00:06:21,334 --> 00:06:22,334
I love you.
124
00:06:22,834 --> 00:06:24,459
I love you too.
125
00:06:24,543 --> 00:06:27,709
Wait, what the hell are you…
Are you not breaking up with me?
126
00:06:27,793 --> 00:06:31,251
No! Are you kidding?
You're the only thing that matters to me.
127
00:06:31,334 --> 00:06:33,959
Which is why I made all of this.
128
00:06:35,543 --> 00:06:38,626
A scrapbook? Appleton, Wisconsin?
129
00:06:38,709 --> 00:06:39,751
What's in Appleton?
130
00:06:39,834 --> 00:06:42,543
Just a small town where nobody knows us.
131
00:06:42,626 --> 00:06:45,209
The perfect place for perfect memories.
132
00:06:45,293 --> 00:06:47,876
Passports?
You made us new identities?
133
00:06:47,959 --> 00:06:50,709
And deepfaked photos of us?
We never did this stuff.
134
00:06:50,793 --> 00:06:54,751
And if we don't leave the shadow world,
we might never get a chance to.
135
00:06:54,834 --> 00:06:56,876
I've been thinking about it
and thinking about it,
136
00:06:56,959 --> 00:06:59,334
and this job is dangerous, Reagan.
137
00:06:59,418 --> 00:07:01,168
And the thought of you getting--
138
00:07:02,959 --> 00:07:04,918
Why did your finger just fall off?
139
00:07:05,001 --> 00:07:07,168
Oh… this?
140
00:07:07,251 --> 00:07:12,668
This is just from getting shot
by my intern during a dimension storm.
141
00:07:12,751 --> 00:07:16,084
This is what I mean!
You're risking your life at that job,
142
00:07:16,168 --> 00:07:17,043
and for what?
143
00:07:17,126 --> 00:07:19,251
To do the bidding of the "Black Robes"?
144
00:07:19,334 --> 00:07:21,084
We don't even know who they are!
145
00:07:21,168 --> 00:07:23,501
Are they good, evil, even human?
146
00:07:24,918 --> 00:07:27,209
The night we met,
I wanted to escape this job,
147
00:07:27,293 --> 00:07:29,001
but then I met you,
148
00:07:29,084 --> 00:07:31,834
and you were worth sticking around for.
149
00:07:31,918 --> 00:07:34,126
Now, there's a chance for us to have both.
150
00:07:35,418 --> 00:07:37,168
My last memory eraser.
151
00:07:37,251 --> 00:07:38,209
Two charges.
152
00:07:38,293 --> 00:07:40,626
We could start a new life
before it's too late.
153
00:07:41,126 --> 00:07:43,793
If we remember classified intel,
they'll come for us,
154
00:07:43,876 --> 00:07:46,334
but this way, we'll be free.
155
00:07:47,334 --> 00:07:48,918
In Appleton, huh?
156
00:07:49,001 --> 00:07:51,084
Low crime. Good schools.
157
00:07:51,168 --> 00:07:54,334
Two rocking chairs on the porch
for when we grow old.
158
00:07:54,418 --> 00:07:56,209
Hopefully together?
159
00:07:56,293 --> 00:08:00,334
Yeah, knowing us, we'd probably end up
taking over the town like dictators.
160
00:08:00,418 --> 00:08:04,209
You can't fix the world.
Something will always fuck it up again.
161
00:08:04,293 --> 00:08:06,793
But we could start our own world together.
162
00:08:11,001 --> 00:08:14,751
I know it's a big decision, but…
just think about it?
163
00:08:16,126 --> 00:08:18,168
Okay. I'll think about it.
164
00:08:18,876 --> 00:08:21,126
All right, we re-canceled Kevin Spacey,
165
00:08:21,209 --> 00:08:23,126
replaced the signs
that said "Pizza Hutch,"
166
00:08:23,209 --> 00:08:25,501
and forced Richard Nixon
back into his grave.
167
00:08:26,168 --> 00:08:27,501
I don't wanna talk about it.
168
00:08:29,209 --> 00:08:32,418
There's only one anomaly left.
In this gym.
169
00:08:35,126 --> 00:08:38,334
Once we get rid of it,
our timeline should stabilize.
170
00:08:38,418 --> 00:08:40,626
Now, let's vaporize this puppy.
171
00:08:42,209 --> 00:08:44,793
Hello? Any Mandela Effects in here?
172
00:08:44,876 --> 00:08:46,751
-Was that a swish?
173
00:08:46,834 --> 00:08:49,168
It sounded like nothing but net!
174
00:08:57,834 --> 00:09:00,501
Air Bud? From Disney's Air Bud?
175
00:09:00,584 --> 00:09:02,418
My first on-screen role model!
176
00:09:02,501 --> 00:09:03,668
He must have been left here
177
00:09:03,751 --> 00:09:06,459
from a timeline
where Air Bud was a documentary.
178
00:09:06,543 --> 00:09:08,376
I guess there's nothing
in the rules of physics
179
00:09:08,459 --> 00:09:11,251
that says a dog can't
glitch through time and play basketball.
180
00:09:11,334 --> 00:09:13,501
Great. Let's vaporize this puppy!
181
00:09:13,584 --> 00:09:15,209
-What? No!
182
00:09:15,293 --> 00:09:17,126
Oh, but you literally said--
183
00:09:17,209 --> 00:09:21,001
That's when I thought it was
a bad anomaly. Look at this good boy.
184
00:09:21,084 --> 00:09:22,793
His hair swoops just like mine!
185
00:09:22,876 --> 00:09:25,793
Brett, if I've learned anything
from Air Bud,
186
00:09:25,876 --> 00:09:27,418
Air Bud Two: Golden Receiver,
187
00:09:27,501 --> 00:09:31,543
Air Bud Three: World Pup, Air Bud Four:
Seventh Inning Fetch, Air Bud Spikes Back,
188
00:09:31,626 --> 00:09:34,334
and the Air, Snow, Space, Santa,
Spooky Treasure,
189
00:09:34,418 --> 00:09:36,126
and Super Buddy spin-offs,
190
00:09:36,209 --> 00:09:41,251
it's that the world doesn't need
a fucking basketball-playing dog!
191
00:09:41,334 --> 00:09:43,709
-But… Rye ruv him.
192
00:09:45,459 --> 00:09:48,668
No biggie, just making
the biggest decision of my life
193
00:09:48,751 --> 00:09:51,126
when I can't even
hold on to a portable charger.
194
00:09:55,376 --> 00:09:57,876
Reagan, I really need your advice on…
195
00:09:57,959 --> 00:09:59,459
Oh, leaving again?
196
00:10:00,043 --> 00:10:03,043
Staedtler kind of asked me
to run away with him,
197
00:10:03,126 --> 00:10:04,084
like, forever.
198
00:10:05,084 --> 00:10:09,959
Brett? What if you being in charge
was more of a permanent thing?
199
00:10:10,043 --> 00:10:12,459
Forever? But, Reagan,
you're my best friend, and…
200
00:10:19,084 --> 00:10:20,834
I…
201
00:10:20,918 --> 00:10:21,918
And I got this.
202
00:10:22,001 --> 00:10:23,918
All I care about is that you're happy.
203
00:10:26,209 --> 00:10:27,918
What did you need my advice about?
204
00:10:28,001 --> 00:10:30,293
Nothing
Sheriff Boss can't handle.
205
00:10:32,001 --> 00:10:34,334
Did you just hear a dog dunking?
206
00:10:34,418 --> 00:10:35,418
Drive safe, pal!
207
00:10:37,334 --> 00:10:40,584
Just gotta think it over.
Job versus love… Job versus…
208
00:10:42,626 --> 00:10:43,751
The hell?
209
00:10:45,168 --> 00:10:47,834
Our building doesn't even go that low.
Does it?
210
00:10:49,084 --> 00:10:54,209
Agh! No! I promised myself
I wouldn't die at work!
211
00:10:58,209 --> 00:10:59,501
No, no, no! Agh!
212
00:11:21,876 --> 00:11:25,168
Reagan Ridley, the time has come.
213
00:11:25,751 --> 00:11:28,543
Oh my God, it's you, the Black Robes!
214
00:11:28,626 --> 00:11:32,584
We have been watching you
for some time. You and your father.
215
00:11:32,668 --> 00:11:37,751
He hid the most dangerous weapon
in the universe right under our noses.
216
00:11:37,834 --> 00:11:38,834
Project Reboot.
217
00:11:38,918 --> 00:11:41,959
More like Project
"Fuck Up 100,000 Years of Planning."
218
00:11:42,043 --> 00:11:43,751
-Agreed.
-The fucking guy.
219
00:11:43,834 --> 00:11:47,251
We wanted to thank you
for saving reality.
220
00:11:47,334 --> 00:11:52,043
Wow, I'm honored. I mean "shadow-honored"
if that is the preferred term?
221
00:11:52,126 --> 00:11:54,251
That is the term. Shadow-honored.
222
00:11:54,334 --> 00:11:56,501
But what am I even doing here?
223
00:11:56,584 --> 00:11:57,959
Who are you guys?
224
00:11:58,043 --> 00:12:01,376
In all these years,
you've never shown me anything.
225
00:12:01,876 --> 00:12:04,459
Then what if
we showed you… everything?
226
00:12:10,293 --> 00:12:12,709
In ministerium chobanis!
227
00:12:15,751 --> 00:12:18,251
You guys aren't gonna sacrifice me
to a Cthulhu, right?
228
00:12:18,334 --> 00:12:20,876
No, hell, no, no.
That guy's fucking nuts!
229
00:12:24,501 --> 00:12:26,668
Who's ready to pet our new office dog?
230
00:12:26,751 --> 00:12:29,834
His name is, um, Regular Bud.
231
00:12:31,334 --> 00:12:33,876
You brought the anomaly back here?
232
00:12:36,418 --> 00:12:37,293
Hey!
233
00:12:37,376 --> 00:12:39,543
That thing cannot remain in our timeline.
234
00:12:39,626 --> 00:12:42,626
In less than four hours,
our universe will conform to a reality
235
00:12:42,709 --> 00:12:45,084
where dogs rule at basketball.
236
00:12:45,168 --> 00:12:47,084
So? That doesn't sound so bad.
237
00:12:47,168 --> 00:12:49,626
Once dogs dominate the NBA,
they'll evolve thumbs.
238
00:12:49,709 --> 00:12:51,084
They'll learn to work doorknobs,
239
00:12:51,168 --> 00:12:53,334
which leads to political power,
their own military.
240
00:12:53,418 --> 00:12:56,043
A full-on planet of the dogs!
241
00:12:57,209 --> 00:12:59,084
Sweet dolphin Jesus!
242
00:12:59,168 --> 00:13:01,751
You have to kill this dog
to save our universe.
243
00:13:01,834 --> 00:13:04,084
No. No! There must be a solution.
244
00:13:04,168 --> 00:13:06,793
What would Reagan do? Put me in charge?
245
00:13:06,876 --> 00:13:07,959
So, what would Brett do?
246
00:13:08,043 --> 00:13:08,959
Here it comes!
247
00:13:09,043 --> 00:13:13,376
I'll prove we don't have to worry about
dogs dominating humans on or off the court
248
00:13:13,459 --> 00:13:16,626
by beating Air Bud
in a game of one-on-one.
249
00:13:17,626 --> 00:13:22,209
Yes! This has wildly exceeded
my expectations of stupidity.
250
00:13:23,251 --> 00:13:26,334
Our story begins
at the dawn of history.
251
00:13:26,418 --> 00:13:28,793
The birth of the very first society
252
00:13:28,876 --> 00:13:32,209
begat the need
for the very first secret society.
253
00:13:34,709 --> 00:13:38,959
A fraction of early humans were
born smarter than their fellow cavemen.
254
00:13:43,834 --> 00:13:46,751
The intelligent ones
realized that without intervention,
255
00:13:46,834 --> 00:13:48,959
their species would never survive.
256
00:13:51,001 --> 00:13:53,043
But they were mocked
for their enlightenment.
257
00:14:01,418 --> 00:14:05,293
They realized humanity
needed to be protected from itself.
258
00:14:06,251 --> 00:14:08,876
And if they would not listen to reason,
259
00:14:08,959 --> 00:14:12,293
perhaps they would listen
to a higher power.
260
00:14:17,584 --> 00:14:21,459
And thus,
the Order of the Black Robes was born.
261
00:14:23,709 --> 00:14:26,626
Operating from the shadows
using secret knowledge,
262
00:14:26,709 --> 00:14:30,459
we and our descendants
kept watch over all of human history.
263
00:14:30,543 --> 00:14:35,334
Not to point out the obvious,
but fire, plague, actual fucking locusts?
264
00:14:35,418 --> 00:14:38,876
If you're watching over us,
why didn't you stop these things?
265
00:14:38,959 --> 00:14:40,959
Stop them? We unleashed them.
266
00:14:41,043 --> 00:14:43,251
When humanity was about to overpopulate,
267
00:14:43,334 --> 00:14:45,584
we released the Black Plague,
268
00:14:45,668 --> 00:14:49,876
and in quarantine,
Sir Isaac Newton discovered gravity.
269
00:14:49,959 --> 00:14:53,793
Okay, what is the plan
behind burning rainforests?
270
00:14:53,876 --> 00:14:56,626
Controlled fire to stop
sentient trees overthrowing humanity.
271
00:14:56,709 --> 00:14:59,834
Shit, really? Okay. Uh, the Titanic?
272
00:14:59,918 --> 00:15:02,334
-Atlantean invasion fleet.
-Huh. No kidding.
273
00:15:02,418 --> 00:15:04,876
What appears on the surface
to be chaos
274
00:15:04,959 --> 00:15:08,084
is actually a complex system
serving a greater good.
275
00:15:08,168 --> 00:15:09,834
Humanity is like your team.
276
00:15:09,918 --> 00:15:12,793
You've seen what happens
when you don't save them from themselves.
277
00:15:12,876 --> 00:15:15,918
They're not that helpless!
I put Brett in charge this morning,
278
00:15:16,001 --> 00:15:19,543
and I'm sure that there are
zero high jinks happening right now.
279
00:15:20,626 --> 00:15:23,834
At two and a half feet
and 14 and a half sequels,
280
00:15:23,918 --> 00:15:26,251
he dribbles with his paws and his mouth.
281
00:15:26,334 --> 00:15:30,543
-It's Air Bud!
282
00:15:30,626 --> 00:15:32,959
Yeah, mankind is doomed.
283
00:15:33,043 --> 00:15:35,251
If the dog wins, he dies,
284
00:15:35,334 --> 00:15:38,543
but this little idiot
does not want that, does he?
285
00:15:39,168 --> 00:15:42,501
Throw the game. Please.
Please! The stakes are so high.
286
00:16:08,418 --> 00:16:10,334
-Motherfucker!
287
00:16:10,418 --> 00:16:13,876
No, Air Bud. You just signed
your own death warrant.
288
00:16:13,959 --> 00:16:16,918
Stop licking me.
289
00:16:19,543 --> 00:16:21,293
It's time to say goodbye, Brett.
290
00:16:21,376 --> 00:16:22,918
No! There's gotta be another way.
291
00:16:23,001 --> 00:16:26,126
What about chess?
I could beat a dog in chess! Probably.
292
00:16:26,209 --> 00:16:30,793
Leadership means killing things whenever
people tell you to, no questions asked!
293
00:16:32,668 --> 00:16:35,543
Vaporize that dog or humanity falls!
294
00:16:48,043 --> 00:16:49,459
Fine. I'll do it.
295
00:16:49,543 --> 00:16:53,293
Can you just give us some privacy?
No one else should have to see this.
296
00:16:57,376 --> 00:17:01,459
But enough about the past.
Let's talk about the future!
297
00:17:03,626 --> 00:17:06,168
My inevitable takeover binder?
298
00:17:06,251 --> 00:17:08,043
You were in my office?
299
00:17:08,126 --> 00:17:09,876
Wait, do you know
where my phone charger is?
300
00:17:09,959 --> 00:17:11,043
Here you go.
301
00:17:11,543 --> 00:17:12,793
What does this all mean?
302
00:17:12,876 --> 00:17:15,293
You were the obvious choice
to replace J.R.,
303
00:17:15,376 --> 00:17:19,459
but your irrational attachment
to your father held you back, until now.
304
00:17:19,543 --> 00:17:23,293
We're not making you the new J.R.
You're making partner.
305
00:17:23,376 --> 00:17:25,918
Everything we know, you'll know.
306
00:17:26,918 --> 00:17:28,251
What do you think?
307
00:17:29,668 --> 00:17:33,376
I don't think any human
is fit to govern humanity,
308
00:17:33,459 --> 00:17:36,584
but I could create an algorithm
that could.
309
00:17:36,668 --> 00:17:38,418
Completely unbiased,
310
00:17:38,501 --> 00:17:42,876
programmed to calculate the maximum
benefit for every living thing.
311
00:17:42,959 --> 00:17:44,793
It's what I've wanted
to make for the office,
312
00:17:44,876 --> 00:17:47,418
but I could make it for the entire world!
313
00:17:47,501 --> 00:17:50,084
Shit. All right.
When could you start?
314
00:17:50,168 --> 00:17:51,293
Shit? Really?
315
00:17:51,376 --> 00:17:55,834
Think of how much good you could
do as the most powerful human on Earth.
316
00:17:55,918 --> 00:17:59,876
Since you mention it, are you guys human?
How's about a little peek under that robe?
317
00:17:59,959 --> 00:18:00,793
Uh-uh-uh.
318
00:18:03,001 --> 00:18:04,376
I was joking!
319
00:18:13,918 --> 00:18:14,751
Fuck.
320
00:18:15,293 --> 00:18:18,668
So you have to choose between true love
or a chance at world domination.
321
00:18:18,751 --> 00:18:21,126
Ah, the classic "will she, won't she?"
322
00:18:21,209 --> 00:18:22,459
There's gotta be a solution
323
00:18:22,543 --> 00:18:24,959
where Staedtler and I can be happy
without giving up my work!
324
00:18:25,043 --> 00:18:26,293
Follow me.
325
00:18:29,918 --> 00:18:32,501
I've connected the reality scanner
to the holo-chamber
326
00:18:32,584 --> 00:18:35,751
and narrowed it down to timelines
where you, quote, "have it all."
327
00:18:35,834 --> 00:18:37,918
Now you can
search every conceivable outcome
328
00:18:38,001 --> 00:18:39,293
and see them for yourself.
329
00:18:39,376 --> 00:18:42,959
Here's a reality where you and Staedtler
teach improv classes to convicted felons.
330
00:18:43,043 --> 00:18:44,376
Yes, and…
331
00:18:49,209 --> 00:18:52,001
Alpha-Beta,
this is so un-genocidal of you.
332
00:18:52,084 --> 00:18:54,001
Maybe this room makes me sentimental.
333
00:18:54,084 --> 00:18:57,043
It's where I first learned empathy
from your mother's touch.
334
00:18:57,584 --> 00:18:59,251
Aww. And… ew?
335
00:19:01,501 --> 00:19:02,334
Huh.
336
00:19:05,834 --> 00:19:09,959
Whoa. Weird. A reality
where we work together.
337
00:19:10,876 --> 00:19:14,001
I'm busy, Ron.
Don't you have a monkey to lobotomize?
338
00:19:14,084 --> 00:19:15,084
Uh-oh.
339
00:19:18,209 --> 00:19:19,293
No one understands you.
340
00:19:19,376 --> 00:19:22,334
They just see you as a friendly doofus
that nobody's gonna miss.
341
00:19:22,418 --> 00:19:25,043
People think that hugs and smiles
are all you have to offer,
342
00:19:25,126 --> 00:19:27,959
but you gotta follow your heart
and do things your way.
343
00:19:28,043 --> 00:19:30,834
That's why I'm letting you out
into a field and freeing you.
344
00:19:30,918 --> 00:19:32,834
Here's a gun to protect yourself with.
345
00:19:34,334 --> 00:19:36,251
I feel confident about this plan.
346
00:19:36,334 --> 00:19:37,709
Just stay away from doorknobs
347
00:19:37,793 --> 00:19:40,376
and the dogpocalypse
should be fine.
348
00:19:43,918 --> 00:19:44,918
It's over, Brett!
349
00:19:45,001 --> 00:19:47,751
We knew you didn't have what it takes
to do this job!
350
00:19:47,834 --> 00:19:49,334
It's your character arc, Brett.
351
00:19:49,418 --> 00:19:53,126
According to Save the Cat!, your growth
can only happen if you murder a dog!
352
00:19:53,209 --> 00:19:56,793
If you want to destroy Air Bud,
you'll have to go through me.
353
00:19:56,876 --> 00:19:58,126
Maybe a boss with a big heart
354
00:19:58,209 --> 00:20:01,376
is what this place needs
to stop being such a fucking nightmare!
355
00:20:01,459 --> 00:20:02,501
Ow!
356
00:20:02,584 --> 00:20:05,084
-I recognize your dominance.
-But-- Ow!
357
00:20:05,168 --> 00:20:06,001
But--
358
00:20:06,084 --> 00:20:08,334
I just wanted to be slapped.
359
00:20:08,418 --> 00:20:13,168
Sorry, Brett. It was easier taking orders
from Reagan because she was, uh…
360
00:20:13,251 --> 00:20:14,084
Kind of a dick?
361
00:20:14,168 --> 00:20:15,751
-That's what I was thinking.
-Yeah.
362
00:20:15,834 --> 00:20:18,293
Well, I'm in charge now
and I make the rules.
363
00:20:18,376 --> 00:20:21,751
Wait, the rules?
I just got an idea!
364
00:20:22,459 --> 00:20:26,543
Okay. I just need to find
one reality where everything works out.
365
00:20:30,459 --> 00:20:31,834
This is nice.
366
00:20:34,668 --> 00:20:36,084
What? Wait!
367
00:20:38,001 --> 00:20:39,209
No, no, no, no, no, no!
368
00:20:41,793 --> 00:20:42,626
Maybe this one?
369
00:20:56,126 --> 00:20:57,251
Ron! No!
370
00:20:59,168 --> 00:21:00,209
No. Bad.
371
00:21:00,959 --> 00:21:01,834
Bad.
372
00:21:02,918 --> 00:21:03,834
Very bad.
373
00:21:08,668 --> 00:21:10,376
No, this is hopeless!
374
00:21:10,459 --> 00:21:13,334
There has to be at least one reality
where we're happy!
375
00:21:39,626 --> 00:21:40,751
This is it.
376
00:21:40,834 --> 00:21:42,001
This is the solution.
377
00:21:45,209 --> 00:21:46,209
I figured it out.
378
00:21:46,293 --> 00:21:49,209
Air Bud is only a threat because
there's nothing in the rule book
379
00:21:49,293 --> 00:21:51,334
that says a dog can't play basketball…
380
00:21:51,418 --> 00:21:52,668
until now.
381
00:21:52,751 --> 00:21:54,584
I'm changing the rules!
382
00:21:54,668 --> 00:21:57,334
They can't evolve if they can't
have any hope of a career!
383
00:21:57,418 --> 00:22:00,418
Of course, just like 99%
of college players.
384
00:22:02,293 --> 00:22:04,626
Lobby to ban dogs
from professional sports?
385
00:22:04,709 --> 00:22:08,126
As long as you're holding the checkbook,
I'll ban anyone from anything!
386
00:22:12,501 --> 00:22:15,418
It was a buzzer-beater, but you squashed
the dog uprising, Brett.
387
00:22:15,501 --> 00:22:18,084
I just wish our old coach
could have seen us.
388
00:22:18,168 --> 00:22:19,334
Where is she anyway?
389
00:22:23,126 --> 00:22:26,418
-Where's all your stuff?
-Who needs the baggage? Let's do this.
390
00:22:29,376 --> 00:22:31,584
Okay, on the count of three.
391
00:22:31,668 --> 00:22:34,084
One, two, three.
392
00:22:35,668 --> 00:22:37,709
-Goddamn, that burns!
-Goddamn, that burns!
393
00:22:44,209 --> 00:22:46,543
Okay. Remember, after I zap myself,
394
00:22:46,626 --> 00:22:50,834
you have a 60-second window
of suggestibility to read me the script.
395
00:22:51,418 --> 00:22:52,376
I love you.
396
00:22:52,459 --> 00:22:53,626
I love you back.
397
00:22:56,751 --> 00:23:00,376
I can't wait
to finally be able to sleep at night.
398
00:23:10,126 --> 00:23:14,126
Your name is Martin Higgins.
You live just outside Appleton, Wisconsin.
399
00:23:15,084 --> 00:23:19,043
You had a hard time for a long time,
but you did something brave.
400
00:23:19,709 --> 00:23:23,918
You took a chance on a new life
because you realized you deserved one.
401
00:23:24,709 --> 00:23:29,084
I searched a thousand lifetimes
for the one that would make you happiest.
402
00:23:30,626 --> 00:23:32,168
And you'll find it one day.
403
00:23:33,001 --> 00:23:33,834
Just
404
00:23:34,876 --> 00:23:36,001
without me.
405
00:23:43,293 --> 00:23:44,334
You're free now.
406
00:23:45,251 --> 00:23:47,876
I'm sorry that I couldn't
be free with you.
407
00:23:48,959 --> 00:23:50,084
I'll miss you, Ron,
408
00:23:51,043 --> 00:23:52,626
and I know if it were possible,
409
00:23:54,293 --> 00:23:55,543
you'd miss me too.
410
00:24:06,876 --> 00:24:09,626
All right, Reagan, you made your choice
411
00:24:09,709 --> 00:24:12,626
because humanity needs someone
to make the hard choices.
412
00:24:14,543 --> 00:24:18,209
And as long as the person you love
is happy, maybe you can be happy later.
413
00:24:19,584 --> 00:24:21,709
Until then, you have a job to do.
414
00:24:38,709 --> 00:24:40,334
You've considered our offer then.
415
00:24:41,084 --> 00:24:42,001
I accept.
416
00:24:49,043 --> 00:24:50,834
Maybe you could be my new Reagan.
417
00:24:51,334 --> 00:24:53,668
How do you feel
about growing out a messy ponytail?
418
00:24:53,751 --> 00:24:56,501
I ruv you, Brett! Pratonicary!
419
00:25:00,834 --> 00:25:02,084
Reagan!
420
00:25:02,668 --> 00:25:06,168
-Okay, okay, down, boy!
-You're back!
421
00:25:06,751 --> 00:25:08,334
I found a solution.
422
00:25:08,418 --> 00:25:11,626
One where Staedtler doesn't have to live
with the memory of our breakup.
423
00:25:11,709 --> 00:25:14,209
Oh. But you do.
424
00:25:16,043 --> 00:25:18,251
Yeah. I didn't want to forget.
425
00:25:20,834 --> 00:25:22,126
What's with that dog?
426
00:25:22,209 --> 00:25:24,376
I thought you were
the office golden retriever.
427
00:25:24,459 --> 00:25:27,251
Long story, but I found a solution too.
428
00:25:29,418 --> 00:25:31,918
-Brett!
-Is that dog growing thumbs?
429
00:25:32,001 --> 00:25:33,251
Probably fine.
430
00:25:33,334 --> 00:25:37,418
Huh. Well, that's what we do here, right?
Solve unsolvable problems.
431
00:25:39,084 --> 00:25:41,709
-Oh, and the Robes are making me partner.
-What?
432
00:25:41,793 --> 00:25:44,001
Yeah, we're finally
gonna find out everything.
433
00:25:44,084 --> 00:25:46,418
-No more secrets.
434
00:25:47,043 --> 00:25:50,209
It is done. The pact is sealed.
435
00:25:50,834 --> 00:25:54,709
It's time to begin Project X37.
436
00:25:54,793 --> 00:25:56,918
You don't think Reagan
will see this coming?
437
00:25:57,501 --> 00:25:58,751
How could she?
438
00:25:58,834 --> 00:26:00,709
She's only human.