1
00:00:10,084 --> 00:00:11,376
[ominous music plays]
2
00:00:18,959 --> 00:00:22,418
[sighs] Okay. Dad and evil boss In jail.
3
00:00:22,501 --> 00:00:23,709
Reality restored.
4
00:00:23,793 --> 00:00:25,626
Zero hours of sleep.
5
00:00:25,709 --> 00:00:29,168
Ow, God! And a new
catastrophic workplace injury.
6
00:00:29,251 --> 00:00:31,959
Thanks, J.R. God, I hate this fucking--
7
00:00:32,043 --> 00:00:33,043
[elevator dings]
8
00:00:33,126 --> 00:00:35,334
-[cheering]
-[Gigi] Yes!
9
00:00:35,418 --> 00:00:37,251
Welcome back, Boss Friend Forever!
10
00:00:37,751 --> 00:00:39,459
Brett, did you do all this?
11
00:00:39,543 --> 00:00:41,876
No, dog. They did it on their own.
12
00:00:41,959 --> 00:00:44,126
Who'd have thought the best timeline
was this one?
13
00:00:45,293 --> 00:00:47,709
[cheering]
14
00:00:48,293 --> 00:00:49,584
[Mothman] Thank you, Reagan.
15
00:00:49,668 --> 00:00:51,126
You rescued me from a timeline
16
00:00:51,209 --> 00:00:53,668
where a teleporter
turned me into Jeff Goldblum.
17
00:00:53,751 --> 00:00:57,209
I was trapped in a dystopia
where Kennedy never got shot.
18
00:00:57,293 --> 00:01:00,251
It was awful.
He ended up killing millions.
19
00:01:00,334 --> 00:01:01,876
And we had three faces!
20
00:01:01,959 --> 00:01:04,001
It was unnatural.
21
00:01:04,084 --> 00:01:07,001
We're just glad we don't
have to listen to these guys anymore.
22
00:01:07,084 --> 00:01:09,834
Are these jumpsuits made
out of fucking polyester?
23
00:01:09,918 --> 00:01:11,334
I already have crotch rash!
24
00:01:11,418 --> 00:01:13,293
Will you stop manhandling your crotch?
25
00:01:13,376 --> 00:01:16,668
Oh! Like I didn't live all four years
in our college dorm
26
00:01:16,751 --> 00:01:20,084
listening to your abusive relationship
with your right hand!
27
00:01:20,751 --> 00:01:23,459
[guard] Hey, you two!
Save the shanking for the Death Arena!
28
00:01:23,543 --> 00:01:26,418
-Oh, yeah, the Death Arena.
-I hate that fucking arena.
29
00:01:27,293 --> 00:01:28,501
You earned this.
30
00:01:28,584 --> 00:01:30,959
You led Cognito through a gauntlet.
31
00:01:31,043 --> 00:01:32,959
And saved all these POWs.
32
00:01:33,043 --> 00:01:36,543
[Myc] "Prisoners of warped realities."
Glenn coined that one.
33
00:01:36,626 --> 00:01:37,834
I'm a wordsmith!
34
00:01:37,918 --> 00:01:40,043
I don't know what to say, guys.
35
00:01:40,126 --> 00:01:42,001
It's your moment, pal. Enjoy it.
36
00:01:42,084 --> 00:01:43,584
-Well, I--
[cell phone buzzes]
37
00:01:45,084 --> 00:01:46,376
[bell tolls]
38
00:01:46,459 --> 00:01:48,293
[air horns blare]
39
00:01:48,876 --> 00:01:53,126
Time for our first totally normal day
with zero crazy personal drama.
40
00:01:53,209 --> 00:01:56,126
See? She's so relaxed,
she's completely frozen.
41
00:01:56,209 --> 00:01:59,084
Right, Reagan? Right? Right? Reagan?
42
00:01:59,168 --> 00:02:00,709
-Reagan?
-[all] Yeah!
43
00:02:00,793 --> 00:02:03,584
Aw, I love how weird she is.
44
00:02:03,668 --> 00:02:05,501
[upbeat music plays]
45
00:02:27,584 --> 00:02:30,834
Reagan Ridley,
on behalf of the Illuminati,
46
00:02:30,918 --> 00:02:33,876
I wish to thank you for doing
what I never could.
47
00:02:33,959 --> 00:02:35,626
Destroying your father.
48
00:02:35,709 --> 00:02:38,209
Thank you, but he destroyed himself.
49
00:02:38,293 --> 00:02:40,251
Although he did team up with whiskey.
50
00:02:40,334 --> 00:02:44,459
Please accept this
as a small, humble token of our thanks.
51
00:02:45,293 --> 00:02:46,959
-[Myc] Wow!
[Gigi] A little over-the-top.
52
00:02:47,043 --> 00:02:48,751
I don't hate this.
53
00:02:48,834 --> 00:02:50,126
[rock music plays]
54
00:02:50,209 --> 00:02:53,584
I talked to God,
and He's gonna send you to VIP heaven.
55
00:02:53,668 --> 00:02:56,751
You're not going to shitty heaven
with the regular people.
56
00:02:56,834 --> 00:02:58,876
You saved the world for real, ninjette!
57
00:02:58,959 --> 00:03:01,918
[in alien language]
Please accept this gift basket.
58
00:03:02,501 --> 00:03:03,334
[Glenn] Ugh!
59
00:03:03,418 --> 00:03:06,834
[in English] I've seen enough anime
to know which holes these go in!
60
00:03:06,918 --> 00:03:09,334
We expect great things, Reagan.
61
00:03:09,418 --> 00:03:10,251
[all] Cognito!
62
00:03:11,376 --> 00:03:15,376
Whoa, the entire global conspiracy
just got behind you!
63
00:03:15,459 --> 00:03:17,626
The weight of the world
is on your shoulders.
64
00:03:17,709 --> 00:03:20,501
[Myc] Finally, a reason
for you to have shitty posture.
65
00:03:21,626 --> 00:03:25,876
Guys, I appreciate all of this,
but we still have a cover-up to focus on.
66
00:03:25,959 --> 00:03:28,709
There's still some leftover anomalies
that need to be contained.
67
00:03:29,709 --> 00:03:33,626
The damage to our timeline has
caused a number of minor inconsistencies.
68
00:03:33,709 --> 00:03:35,001
Plot holes, if you will.
69
00:03:35,084 --> 00:03:38,626
Oh, of course,
like how some celebrities are reptoids
70
00:03:38,709 --> 00:03:40,584
and others are randomly Illuminati.
71
00:03:40,668 --> 00:03:42,709
It's like Illuminati stuff came later!
72
00:03:42,793 --> 00:03:45,501
[Myc] Or like how I used to say
I wasn't an alien,
73
00:03:45,584 --> 00:03:49,251
and then you guys found out
my species arrived on an asteroid.
74
00:03:49,334 --> 00:03:52,793
Exactly. These plot holes
were all caused by the machine.
75
00:03:52,876 --> 00:03:54,668
-[Myc] Very satisfying.
-Future stuff too!
76
00:03:54,751 --> 00:03:57,168
But the major anomalies
are still causing chaos.
77
00:03:57,251 --> 00:03:59,876
Like here. A warehouse
full of Berenstain Bears books
78
00:03:59,959 --> 00:04:03,501
where their names are spelled wrong.
Also, their genitals are showing.
79
00:04:03,584 --> 00:04:06,043
[laughs] Papa Bear is packin'.
80
00:04:06,126 --> 00:04:08,751
We have six hours
before the changes become permanent.
81
00:04:08,834 --> 00:04:12,251
We need to isolate and contain
every plot hole from this past season.
82
00:04:12,334 --> 00:04:14,084
Of summer. The season of summer.
83
00:04:14,168 --> 00:04:15,959
Hey, Brett, sidebar?
84
00:04:16,668 --> 00:04:18,001
[Brett] "We need to talk."
85
00:04:18,084 --> 00:04:18,918
[sighs]
86
00:04:19,001 --> 00:04:21,876
Dang! That always means
breakups or cancer.
87
00:04:21,959 --> 00:04:23,126
Maybe it's just cancer.
88
00:04:23,209 --> 00:04:24,793
I need some time to figure this out.
89
00:04:24,876 --> 00:04:26,668
Do you think you could run things
for the day?
90
00:04:26,751 --> 00:04:29,626
Me? In charge of a whole workforce,
like Santa?
91
00:04:29,709 --> 00:04:32,834
Come on! You're not the same Brett
you were when you started here!
92
00:04:32,918 --> 00:04:34,543
You can handle this.
93
00:04:35,459 --> 00:04:38,293
Just remember, being a boss
means making tough decisions.
94
00:04:38,376 --> 00:04:41,126
-Sometimes you have to kill your babies.
-I resent that!
95
00:04:41,209 --> 00:04:42,918
[both] It's a figure of speech!
96
00:04:43,001 --> 00:04:44,626
Fucking Steve!
97
00:04:44,709 --> 00:04:47,543
Uh, Brett is in charge for the day,
98
00:04:47,626 --> 00:04:50,501
and I want you to give him
the same respect that you've given me
99
00:04:50,584 --> 00:04:52,084
starting roughly this morning.
100
00:04:53,084 --> 00:04:55,043
All right, team. Let's get out there and--
101
00:04:55,126 --> 00:04:56,459
Hey! Where's everybody going?
102
00:04:56,543 --> 00:04:58,376
This just turned into a snow day.
103
00:04:58,459 --> 00:05:01,168
Except for the 0% body fat,
you're a big softie.
104
00:05:01,959 --> 00:05:06,084
Oh, yeah? Would a big softie
vaporize his favorite movie anomaly?
105
00:05:06,168 --> 00:05:07,376
[dramatic music plays]
106
00:05:07,459 --> 00:05:09,418
-Damn!
-He killed his baby!
107
00:05:09,501 --> 00:05:10,334
Shooting!
108
00:05:10,418 --> 00:05:14,793
That's right, there's a new sheriff
in town. "Sheriff Boss"!
109
00:05:18,793 --> 00:05:21,668
[Myc] I'm sticking around
to see how dumb this gets.
110
00:05:22,584 --> 00:05:26,418
All right, listen up. Confiscate the
presidential portraits of Dennis Rodman,
111
00:05:26,501 --> 00:05:28,543
sandblast the Pepsi logo off the moon,
112
00:05:28,626 --> 00:05:31,793
and figure out how many Oscars
Meryl Streep is supposed to have.
113
00:05:31,876 --> 00:05:33,043
Three sounds kind of low.
114
00:05:33,126 --> 00:05:34,876
[man] Yes, sir! Right away, sir!
115
00:05:35,376 --> 00:05:37,209
Man, leadership is easy.
116
00:05:37,293 --> 00:05:39,793
You just yell the things you want,
and they happen.
117
00:05:40,293 --> 00:05:42,459
Massive anomaly detected right here in DC.
118
00:05:42,543 --> 00:05:45,084
Brett's get dangerous! All together now.
119
00:05:45,168 --> 00:05:46,793
-No chance.
-Not doing that.
120
00:05:46,876 --> 00:05:48,084
[chuckles] Come on, guys.
121
00:05:48,168 --> 00:05:49,001
Okay, okay.
122
00:05:49,084 --> 00:05:50,376
[all] Brett's get dangerous.
123
00:05:50,876 --> 00:05:51,709
That's better.
124
00:05:53,584 --> 00:05:54,501
[Reagan sighs]
125
00:05:57,126 --> 00:05:59,168
Hey, the door was unlocked and--
126
00:05:59,251 --> 00:06:00,709
Oh God. You're leaving?
127
00:06:00,793 --> 00:06:01,668
Reagan. I--
128
00:06:01,751 --> 00:06:05,251
I don't hear from you for days
and you're moving?
129
00:06:05,334 --> 00:06:08,084
I'm sorry. I needed time
to think things over.
130
00:06:08,168 --> 00:06:11,334
Do you know how many times
we've almost died since we met?
131
00:06:11,418 --> 00:06:13,584
Um, well, together or separately?
132
00:06:13,668 --> 00:06:16,376
Look, before you break up with me,
I just want to say--
133
00:06:16,459 --> 00:06:18,459
[gentle music plays]
134
00:06:21,334 --> 00:06:22,334
I love you.
135
00:06:22,834 --> 00:06:24,459
I love you too.
136
00:06:24,543 --> 00:06:27,709
Wait, what the hell are you…
Are you not breaking up with me?
137
00:06:27,793 --> 00:06:31,251
No! Are you kidding?
You're the only thing that matters to me.
138
00:06:31,334 --> 00:06:33,959
Which is why I made all of this.
139
00:06:35,543 --> 00:06:38,626
A scrapbook? Appleton, Wisconsin?
140
00:06:38,709 --> 00:06:39,751
What's in Appleton?
141
00:06:39,834 --> 00:06:42,543
Just a small town where nobody knows us.
142
00:06:42,626 --> 00:06:45,209
The perfect place for perfect memories.
143
00:06:45,293 --> 00:06:47,876
[Reagan] Passports?
You made us new identities?
144
00:06:47,959 --> 00:06:50,709
And deepfaked photos of us?
We never did this stuff.
145
00:06:50,793 --> 00:06:54,751
And if we don't leave the shadow world,
we might never get a chance to.
146
00:06:54,834 --> 00:06:56,876
I've been thinking about it
and thinking about it,
147
00:06:56,959 --> 00:06:59,334
and this job is dangerous, Reagan.
148
00:06:59,418 --> 00:07:01,168
And the thought of you getting--
149
00:07:02,959 --> 00:07:04,918
Why did your finger just fall off?
150
00:07:05,001 --> 00:07:07,168
[laughs awkwardly] Oh… this?
151
00:07:07,251 --> 00:07:12,668
This is just from getting shot
by my intern during a dimension storm.
152
00:07:12,751 --> 00:07:16,084
This is what I mean!
You're risking your life at that job,
153
00:07:16,168 --> 00:07:17,043
and for what?
154
00:07:17,126 --> 00:07:19,251
To do the bidding of the "Black Robes"?
155
00:07:19,334 --> 00:07:21,084
We don't even know who they are!
156
00:07:21,168 --> 00:07:23,501
Are they good, evil, even human?
157
00:07:23,584 --> 00:07:24,834
[sighs]
158
00:07:24,918 --> 00:07:27,209
The night we met,
I wanted to escape this job,
159
00:07:27,293 --> 00:07:29,001
but then I met you,
160
00:07:29,084 --> 00:07:31,834
and you were worth sticking around for.
161
00:07:31,918 --> 00:07:34,126
Now, there's a chance for us to have both.
162
00:07:35,418 --> 00:07:37,168
My last memory eraser.
163
00:07:37,251 --> 00:07:38,209
Two charges.
164
00:07:38,293 --> 00:07:40,626
We could start a new life
before it's too late.
165
00:07:41,126 --> 00:07:43,793
If we remember classified intel,
they'll come for us,
166
00:07:43,876 --> 00:07:46,334
but this way, we'll be free.
167
00:07:47,334 --> 00:07:48,918
In Appleton, huh?
168
00:07:49,001 --> 00:07:51,084
Low crime. Good schools.
169
00:07:51,168 --> 00:07:54,334
Two rocking chairs on the porch
for when we grow old.
170
00:07:54,418 --> 00:07:56,209
Hopefully together?
171
00:07:56,293 --> 00:08:00,334
Yeah, knowing us, we'd probably end up
taking over the town like dictators.
172
00:08:00,418 --> 00:08:04,209
You can't fix the world.
Something will always fuck it up again.
173
00:08:04,293 --> 00:08:06,793
But we could start our own world together.
174
00:08:11,001 --> 00:08:14,751
I know it's a big decision, but…
just think about it?
175
00:08:16,126 --> 00:08:18,168
Okay. I'll think about it.
176
00:08:18,876 --> 00:08:21,126
All right, we re-canceled Kevin Spacey,
177
00:08:21,209 --> 00:08:23,126
replaced the signs
that said "Pizza Hutch,"
178
00:08:23,209 --> 00:08:25,501
and forced Richard Nixon
back into his grave.
179
00:08:26,168 --> 00:08:27,501
I don't wanna talk about it.
180
00:08:29,209 --> 00:08:32,418
There's only one anomaly left.
In this gym.
181
00:08:32,501 --> 00:08:34,501
[suspenseful music plays]
182
00:08:35,126 --> 00:08:38,334
Once we get rid of it,
our timeline should stabilize.
183
00:08:38,418 --> 00:08:40,626
Now, let's vaporize this puppy.
184
00:08:42,209 --> 00:08:44,793
Hello? Any Mandela Effects in here?
185
00:08:44,876 --> 00:08:46,751
-[clanging]
-[gasps] Was that a swish?
186
00:08:46,834 --> 00:08:49,168
It sounded like nothing but net!
187
00:08:50,459 --> 00:08:51,668
-[loud clanging]
-[all gasp]
188
00:08:51,751 --> 00:08:53,293
[ominous music plays]
189
00:08:53,376 --> 00:08:54,918
[Brett breathes heavily]
190
00:08:56,584 --> 00:08:57,751
-[barks]
-[Brett yelps]
191
00:08:57,834 --> 00:09:00,501
Air Bud? From Disney's Air Bud?
192
00:09:00,584 --> 00:09:02,418
My first on-screen role model!
193
00:09:02,501 --> 00:09:03,668
He must have been left here
194
00:09:03,751 --> 00:09:06,459
from a timeline
where Air Bud was a documentary.
195
00:09:06,543 --> 00:09:08,376
I guess there's nothing
in the rules of physics
196
00:09:08,459 --> 00:09:11,251
that says a dog can't
glitch through time and play basketball.
197
00:09:11,334 --> 00:09:13,501
[Myc] Great. Let's vaporize this puppy!
198
00:09:13,584 --> 00:09:15,209
-What? No!
-[Air Bud whimpers]
199
00:09:15,293 --> 00:09:17,126
[Myc] Oh, but you literally said--
200
00:09:17,209 --> 00:09:21,001
That's when I thought it was
a bad anomaly. Look at this good boy.
201
00:09:21,084 --> 00:09:22,793
His hair swoops just like mine!
202
00:09:22,876 --> 00:09:25,793
Brett, if I've learned anything
from Air Bud,
203
00:09:25,876 --> 00:09:27,418
Air Bud Two: Golden Receiver,
204
00:09:27,501 --> 00:09:31,543
Air Bud Three: World Pup, Air Bud Four:
Seventh Inning Fetch, Air Bud Spikes Back,
205
00:09:31,626 --> 00:09:34,334
and the Air, Snow, Space, Santa,
Spooky Treasure,
206
00:09:34,418 --> 00:09:36,126
and Super Buddy spin-offs,
207
00:09:36,209 --> 00:09:41,251
it's that the world doesn't need
a fucking basketball-playing dog!
208
00:09:41,334 --> 00:09:43,709
-But… [in Scooby-Doo voice] Rye ruv him.
-[Air Bud whimpers]
209
00:09:45,459 --> 00:09:48,668
No biggie, just making
the biggest decision of my life
210
00:09:48,751 --> 00:09:51,126
when I can't even
hold on to a portable charger.
211
00:09:55,376 --> 00:09:57,876
Reagan, I really need your advice on…
212
00:09:57,959 --> 00:09:59,459
Oh, leaving again?
213
00:10:00,043 --> 00:10:03,043
Staedtler kind of asked me
to run away with him,
214
00:10:03,126 --> 00:10:04,084
like, forever.
215
00:10:05,084 --> 00:10:09,959
Brett? What if you being in charge
was more of a permanent thing?
216
00:10:10,043 --> 00:10:12,459
Forever? But, Reagan,
you're my best friend, and…
217
00:10:13,293 --> 00:10:15,918
[gentle music plays]
218
00:10:19,084 --> 00:10:20,834
I… [clears throat]
219
00:10:20,918 --> 00:10:21,918
And I got this.
220
00:10:22,001 --> 00:10:23,918
All I care about is that you're happy.
221
00:10:26,209 --> 00:10:27,918
What did you need my advice about?
222
00:10:28,001 --> 00:10:30,293
[chuckles] Nothing
Sheriff Boss can't handle.
223
00:10:30,376 --> 00:10:31,918
-[ball thuds]
-[barking]
224
00:10:32,001 --> 00:10:34,334
Did you just hear a dog dunking?
225
00:10:34,418 --> 00:10:35,418
Drive safe, pal!
226
00:10:37,334 --> 00:10:40,584
Just gotta think it over.
Job versus love… Job versus…
227
00:10:40,668 --> 00:10:41,668
-[clanging]
-[groans]
228
00:10:42,626 --> 00:10:43,751
The hell?
229
00:10:43,834 --> 00:10:45,084
[elevator dings repeatedly]
230
00:10:45,168 --> 00:10:47,834
Our building doesn't even go that low.
Does it?
231
00:10:49,084 --> 00:10:54,209
Agh! No! I promised myself
I wouldn't die at work!
232
00:10:54,293 --> 00:10:56,459
[suspenseful music plays]
233
00:10:58,209 --> 00:10:59,501
No, no, no! Agh!
234
00:11:01,959 --> 00:11:03,251
[suspenseful music crescendos]
235
00:11:04,293 --> 00:11:05,126
[elevator dings]
236
00:11:21,876 --> 00:11:25,168
[Robes] Reagan Ridley, the time has come.
237
00:11:25,751 --> 00:11:28,543
Oh my God, it's you, the Black Robes!
238
00:11:28,626 --> 00:11:32,584
[Robe 1] We have been watching you
for some time. You and your father.
239
00:11:32,668 --> 00:11:37,751
He hid the most dangerous weapon
in the universe right under our noses.
240
00:11:37,834 --> 00:11:38,834
Project Reboot.
241
00:11:38,918 --> 00:11:41,959
[Robe 2] More like Project
"Fuck Up 100,000 Years of Planning."
242
00:11:42,043 --> 00:11:43,751
-[Robe 1] Agreed.
-[Robe 2] The fucking guy.
243
00:11:43,834 --> 00:11:47,251
[Robe 1] We wanted to thank you
for saving reality.
244
00:11:47,334 --> 00:11:52,043
Wow, I'm honored. I mean "shadow-honored"
if that is the preferred term?
245
00:11:52,126 --> 00:11:54,251
[Robe 1] That is the term. Shadow-honored.
246
00:11:54,334 --> 00:11:56,501
But what am I even doing here?
247
00:11:56,584 --> 00:11:57,959
Who are you guys?
248
00:11:58,043 --> 00:12:01,376
In all these years,
you've never shown me anything.
249
00:12:01,876 --> 00:12:04,459
[Robe 1] Then what if
we showed you… everything?
250
00:12:04,543 --> 00:12:06,543
[suspenseful music plays]
251
00:12:10,293 --> 00:12:12,709
[Robes] In ministerium chobanis!
252
00:12:14,293 --> 00:12:15,126
[gasps]
253
00:12:15,751 --> 00:12:18,251
You guys aren't gonna sacrifice me
to a Cthulhu, right?
254
00:12:18,334 --> 00:12:20,876
[Robe 2] No, hell, no, no.
That guy's fucking nuts!
255
00:12:20,959 --> 00:12:22,959
[suspenseful music continues]
256
00:12:24,501 --> 00:12:26,668
Who's ready to pet our new office dog?
257
00:12:26,751 --> 00:12:29,834
His name is, um, Regular Bud.
258
00:12:29,918 --> 00:12:31,251
[all groan]
259
00:12:31,334 --> 00:12:33,876
You brought the anomaly back here?
260
00:12:34,584 --> 00:12:36,334
-[gasping]
-[Brett grunts]
261
00:12:36,418 --> 00:12:37,293
Hey!
262
00:12:37,376 --> 00:12:39,543
That thing cannot remain in our timeline.
263
00:12:39,626 --> 00:12:42,626
In less than four hours,
our universe will conform to a reality
264
00:12:42,709 --> 00:12:45,084
where dogs rule at basketball.
265
00:12:45,168 --> 00:12:47,084
So? That doesn't sound so bad.
266
00:12:47,168 --> 00:12:49,626
Once dogs dominate the NBA,
they'll evolve thumbs.
267
00:12:49,709 --> 00:12:51,084
They'll learn to work doorknobs,
268
00:12:51,168 --> 00:12:53,334
which leads to political power,
their own military.
269
00:12:53,418 --> 00:12:56,043
A full-on planet of the dogs!
270
00:12:56,126 --> 00:12:57,126
[gasping]
271
00:12:57,209 --> 00:12:59,084
Sweet dolphin Jesus!
272
00:12:59,168 --> 00:13:01,751
You have to kill this dog
to save our universe.
273
00:13:01,834 --> 00:13:04,084
No. No! There must be a solution.
274
00:13:04,168 --> 00:13:06,793
What would Reagan do? Put me in charge?
275
00:13:06,876 --> 00:13:07,959
So, what would Brett do?
276
00:13:08,043 --> 00:13:08,959
[Myc] Here it comes!
277
00:13:09,043 --> 00:13:13,376
I'll prove we don't have to worry about
dogs dominating humans on or off the court
278
00:13:13,459 --> 00:13:16,626
by beating Air Bud
in a game of one-on-one.
279
00:13:16,709 --> 00:13:17,543
[groaning]
280
00:13:17,626 --> 00:13:22,209
[Myc] Yes! This has wildly exceeded
my expectations of stupidity.
281
00:13:23,251 --> 00:13:26,334
[Robe 1] Our story begins
at the dawn of history.
282
00:13:26,418 --> 00:13:28,793
The birth of the very first society
283
00:13:28,876 --> 00:13:32,209
begat the need
for the very first secret society.
284
00:13:33,001 --> 00:13:34,626
[grunting]
285
00:13:34,709 --> 00:13:38,959
[Robe 1] A fraction of early humans were
born smarter than their fellow cavemen.
286
00:13:40,001 --> 00:13:41,418
[surprised grunts]
287
00:13:43,834 --> 00:13:46,751
[Robe 1] The intelligent ones
realized that without intervention,
288
00:13:46,834 --> 00:13:48,959
their species would never survive.
289
00:13:49,043 --> 00:13:50,918
[worried grunts]
290
00:13:51,001 --> 00:13:53,043
[Robe 1] But they were mocked
for their enlightenment.
291
00:13:53,126 --> 00:13:54,459
[scared grunt, then groan]
292
00:13:55,334 --> 00:13:57,001
-[animal growls]
-[scared grunt]
293
00:13:57,084 --> 00:13:59,293
-[animal roars]
-[screaming]
294
00:13:59,376 --> 00:14:00,209
[groans]
295
00:14:01,418 --> 00:14:05,293
[Robe 1] They realized humanity
needed to be protected from itself.
296
00:14:06,251 --> 00:14:08,876
And if they would not listen to reason,
297
00:14:08,959 --> 00:14:12,293
perhaps they would listen
to a higher power.
298
00:14:12,376 --> 00:14:14,209
[dramatic music plays]
299
00:14:17,584 --> 00:14:21,459
[Robe 1] And thus,
the Order of the Black Robes was born.
300
00:14:23,709 --> 00:14:26,626
[Robe 2] Operating from the shadows
using secret knowledge,
301
00:14:26,709 --> 00:14:30,459
we and our descendants
kept watch over all of human history.
302
00:14:30,543 --> 00:14:35,334
Not to point out the obvious,
but fire, plague, actual fucking locusts?
303
00:14:35,418 --> 00:14:38,876
If you're watching over us,
why didn't you stop these things?
304
00:14:38,959 --> 00:14:40,959
[Robe 1] Stop them? We unleashed them.
305
00:14:41,043 --> 00:14:43,251
When humanity was about to overpopulate,
306
00:14:43,334 --> 00:14:45,584
we released the Black Plague,
307
00:14:45,668 --> 00:14:49,876
and in quarantine,
Sir Isaac Newton discovered gravity.
308
00:14:49,959 --> 00:14:53,793
Okay, what is the plan
behind burning rainforests?
309
00:14:53,876 --> 00:14:56,626
[Robe 2] Controlled fire to stop
sentient trees overthrowing humanity.
310
00:14:56,709 --> 00:14:59,834
Shit, really? Okay. Uh, the Titanic?
311
00:14:59,918 --> 00:15:02,334
-[Robe 1] Atlantean invasion fleet.
-[Reagan] Huh. No kidding.
312
00:15:02,418 --> 00:15:04,876
[Robe 1] What appears on the surface
to be chaos
313
00:15:04,959 --> 00:15:08,084
is actually a complex system
serving a greater good.
314
00:15:08,168 --> 00:15:09,834
[Robe 2] Humanity is like your team.
315
00:15:09,918 --> 00:15:12,793
You've seen what happens
when you don't save them from themselves.
316
00:15:12,876 --> 00:15:15,918
They're not that helpless!
I put Brett in charge this morning,
317
00:15:16,001 --> 00:15:19,543
and I'm sure that there are
zero high jinks happening right now.
318
00:15:20,626 --> 00:15:23,834
At two and a half feet
and 14 and a half sequels,
319
00:15:23,918 --> 00:15:26,251
he dribbles with his paws and his mouth.
320
00:15:26,334 --> 00:15:30,543
-It's Air Bud!
-[cheering]
321
00:15:30,626 --> 00:15:32,959
[Myc] Yeah, mankind is doomed.
322
00:15:33,043 --> 00:15:35,251
If the dog wins, he dies,
323
00:15:35,334 --> 00:15:38,543
but this little idiot
does not want that, does he?
324
00:15:39,168 --> 00:15:42,501
Throw the game. Please.
Please! The stakes are so high.
325
00:15:42,584 --> 00:15:44,584
[exciting music plays]
326
00:15:49,209 --> 00:15:50,043
[Air Bud barks]
327
00:15:50,709 --> 00:15:52,418
[jaunty whistling music plays]
328
00:15:54,459 --> 00:15:55,293
[barking]
329
00:15:58,751 --> 00:16:00,501
[barking]
330
00:16:03,043 --> 00:16:05,043
[rock music plays]
331
00:16:08,418 --> 00:16:10,334
-[timer buzzes]
-Motherfucker!
332
00:16:10,418 --> 00:16:13,876
No, Air Bud. You just signed
your own death warrant.
333
00:16:13,959 --> 00:16:16,918
Stop licking me. [laughs]
334
00:16:17,001 --> 00:16:19,459
[sobs]
335
00:16:19,543 --> 00:16:21,293
It's time to say goodbye, Brett.
336
00:16:21,376 --> 00:16:22,918
No! There's gotta be another way.
337
00:16:23,001 --> 00:16:26,126
What about chess?
I could beat a dog in chess! Probably.
338
00:16:26,209 --> 00:16:30,793
Leadership means killing things whenever
people tell you to, no questions asked!
339
00:16:31,668 --> 00:16:32,584
[Brett whimpers]
340
00:16:32,668 --> 00:16:35,543
Vaporize that dog or humanity falls!
341
00:16:35,626 --> 00:16:37,626
[ominous music plays]
342
00:16:38,126 --> 00:16:40,334
-[barking]
-[screaming]
343
00:16:40,418 --> 00:16:42,293
[growling]
344
00:16:45,334 --> 00:16:46,959
[ominous music crescendos]
345
00:16:48,043 --> 00:16:49,459
Fine. I'll do it.
346
00:16:49,543 --> 00:16:53,293
Can you just give us some privacy?
No one else should have to see this.
347
00:16:53,376 --> 00:16:55,293
[suspenseful music plays]
348
00:16:57,376 --> 00:17:01,459
[Robe 1] But enough about the past.
Let's talk about the future!
349
00:17:03,626 --> 00:17:06,168
My inevitable takeover binder?
350
00:17:06,251 --> 00:17:08,043
You were in my office?
351
00:17:08,126 --> 00:17:09,876
Wait, do you know
where my phone charger is?
352
00:17:09,959 --> 00:17:11,043
[Robe 1] Here you go.
353
00:17:11,543 --> 00:17:12,793
What does this all mean?
354
00:17:12,876 --> 00:17:15,293
[Robe 2] You were the obvious choice
to replace J.R.,
355
00:17:15,376 --> 00:17:19,459
but your irrational attachment
to your father held you back, until now.
356
00:17:19,543 --> 00:17:23,293
[Robe 1] We're not making you the new J.R.
You're making partner.
357
00:17:23,376 --> 00:17:25,918
[Robe 2] Everything we know, you'll know.
358
00:17:26,918 --> 00:17:28,251
[Robe 1] What do you think?
359
00:17:29,668 --> 00:17:33,376
I don't think any human
is fit to govern humanity,
360
00:17:33,459 --> 00:17:36,584
but I could create an algorithm
that could.
361
00:17:36,668 --> 00:17:38,418
Completely unbiased,
362
00:17:38,501 --> 00:17:42,876
programmed to calculate the maximum
benefit for every living thing.
363
00:17:42,959 --> 00:17:44,793
It's what I've wanted
to make for the office,
364
00:17:44,876 --> 00:17:47,418
but I could make it for the entire world!
365
00:17:47,501 --> 00:17:50,084
[Robe 1] Shit. All right.
When could you start?
366
00:17:50,168 --> 00:17:51,293
Shit? Really?
367
00:17:51,376 --> 00:17:55,834
[Robe 1] Think of how much good you could
do as the most powerful human on Earth.
368
00:17:55,918 --> 00:17:59,876
Since you mention it, are you guys human?
How's about a little peek under that robe?
369
00:17:59,959 --> 00:18:00,793
[Robe 2] Uh-uh-uh.
370
00:18:00,876 --> 00:18:01,709
[elevator dings]
371
00:18:03,001 --> 00:18:04,376
I was joking!
372
00:18:10,626 --> 00:18:13,043
[dramatic music crescendos]
373
00:18:13,918 --> 00:18:14,751
Fuck.
374
00:18:15,293 --> 00:18:18,668
So you have to choose between true love
or a chance at world domination.
375
00:18:18,751 --> 00:18:21,126
Ah, the classic "will she, won't she?"
376
00:18:21,209 --> 00:18:22,459
There's gotta be a solution
377
00:18:22,543 --> 00:18:24,959
where Staedtler and I can be happy
without giving up my work!
378
00:18:25,043 --> 00:18:26,293
Follow me.
379
00:18:29,918 --> 00:18:32,501
I've connected the reality scanner
to the holo-chamber
380
00:18:32,584 --> 00:18:35,751
and narrowed it down to timelines
where you, quote, "have it all."
381
00:18:35,834 --> 00:18:37,918
Now you can
search every conceivable outcome
382
00:18:38,001 --> 00:18:39,293
and see them for yourself.
383
00:18:39,376 --> 00:18:42,959
Here's a reality where you and Staedtler
teach improv classes to convicted felons.
384
00:18:43,043 --> 00:18:44,376
Yes, and…
385
00:18:44,459 --> 00:18:47,001
-[inmate 1 growls]
-[inmate 2 screams]
386
00:18:49,209 --> 00:18:52,001
Alpha-Beta,
this is so un-genocidal of you.
387
00:18:52,084 --> 00:18:54,001
Maybe this room makes me sentimental.
388
00:18:54,084 --> 00:18:57,043
It's where I first learned empathy
from your mother's touch.
389
00:18:57,584 --> 00:18:59,251
Aww. And… ew?
390
00:19:01,501 --> 00:19:02,334
Huh.
391
00:19:05,834 --> 00:19:09,959
Whoa. Weird. A reality
where we work together.
392
00:19:10,876 --> 00:19:14,001
I'm busy, Ron.
Don't you have a monkey to lobotomize?
393
00:19:14,084 --> 00:19:15,084
Uh-oh.
394
00:19:15,168 --> 00:19:16,543
[suspenseful music plays]
395
00:19:18,209 --> 00:19:19,293
No one understands you.
396
00:19:19,376 --> 00:19:22,334
They just see you as a friendly doofus
that nobody's gonna miss.
397
00:19:22,418 --> 00:19:25,043
People think that hugs and smiles
are all you have to offer,
398
00:19:25,126 --> 00:19:27,959
but you gotta follow your heart
and do things your way.
399
00:19:28,043 --> 00:19:30,834
That's why I'm letting you out
into a field and freeing you.
400
00:19:30,918 --> 00:19:32,834
Here's a gun to protect yourself with.
401
00:19:34,334 --> 00:19:36,251
I feel confident about this plan.
402
00:19:36,334 --> 00:19:37,709
Just stay away from doorknobs
403
00:19:37,793 --> 00:19:40,376
and the dogpocalypse
should be fine. [gasps]
404
00:19:40,459 --> 00:19:42,584
-[helicopters blades whir]
-[tires screech]
405
00:19:43,918 --> 00:19:44,918
It's over, Brett!
406
00:19:45,001 --> 00:19:47,751
We knew you didn't have what it takes
to do this job!
407
00:19:47,834 --> 00:19:49,334
[Myc] It's your character arc, Brett.
408
00:19:49,418 --> 00:19:53,126
According to Save the Cat!, your growth
can only happen if you murder a dog!
409
00:19:53,209 --> 00:19:56,793
If you want to destroy Air Bud,
you'll have to go through me.
410
00:19:56,876 --> 00:19:58,126
Maybe a boss with a big heart
411
00:19:58,209 --> 00:20:01,376
is what this place needs
to stop being such a fucking nightmare!
412
00:20:01,459 --> 00:20:02,501
Ow!
413
00:20:02,584 --> 00:20:05,084
-I recognize your dominance.
-[Myc] But-- Ow!
414
00:20:05,168 --> 00:20:06,001
But--
415
00:20:06,084 --> 00:20:08,334
[laughs] I just wanted to be slapped.
416
00:20:08,418 --> 00:20:13,168
Sorry, Brett. It was easier taking orders
from Reagan because she was, uh…
417
00:20:13,251 --> 00:20:14,084
Kind of a dick?
418
00:20:14,168 --> 00:20:15,751
-That's what I was thinking.
-Yeah.
419
00:20:15,834 --> 00:20:18,293
Well, I'm in charge now
and I make the rules.
420
00:20:18,376 --> 00:20:21,751
[gasps] Wait, the rules?
I just got an idea!
421
00:20:22,459 --> 00:20:26,543
[sighs] Okay. I just need to find
one reality where everything works out.
422
00:20:28,751 --> 00:20:30,376
[gentle music plays]
423
00:20:30,459 --> 00:20:31,834
This is nice.
424
00:20:34,668 --> 00:20:36,084
What? Wait!
425
00:20:38,001 --> 00:20:39,209
No, no, no, no, no, no!
426
00:20:39,293 --> 00:20:40,126
[sighs]
427
00:20:41,793 --> 00:20:42,626
Maybe this one?
428
00:20:42,709 --> 00:20:44,209
[gentle music continues]
429
00:20:49,543 --> 00:20:50,501
[gasps]
430
00:20:56,126 --> 00:20:57,251
Ron! No!
431
00:20:59,168 --> 00:21:00,209
No. Bad.
432
00:21:00,959 --> 00:21:01,834
Bad.
433
00:21:02,918 --> 00:21:03,834
Very bad.
434
00:21:05,251 --> 00:21:06,084
[groans]
435
00:21:06,959 --> 00:21:07,793
[groans]
436
00:21:08,668 --> 00:21:10,376
No, this is hopeless!
437
00:21:10,459 --> 00:21:13,334
There has to be at least one reality
where we're happy!
438
00:21:13,418 --> 00:21:15,418
[gentle music continues]
439
00:21:39,626 --> 00:21:40,751
This is it.
440
00:21:40,834 --> 00:21:42,001
This is the solution.
441
00:21:45,209 --> 00:21:46,209
I figured it out.
442
00:21:46,293 --> 00:21:49,209
Air Bud is only a threat because
there's nothing in the rule book
443
00:21:49,293 --> 00:21:51,334
that says a dog can't play basketball…
444
00:21:51,418 --> 00:21:52,668
until now.
445
00:21:52,751 --> 00:21:54,584
I'm changing the rules!
446
00:21:54,668 --> 00:21:57,334
They can't evolve if they can't
have any hope of a career!
447
00:21:57,418 --> 00:22:00,418
Of course, just like 99%
of college players.
448
00:22:02,293 --> 00:22:04,626
Lobby to ban dogs
from professional sports?
449
00:22:04,709 --> 00:22:08,126
As long as you're holding the checkbook,
I'll ban anyone from anything!
450
00:22:08,209 --> 00:22:10,584
[rock music plays]
451
00:22:11,293 --> 00:22:12,418
[timer buzzes]
452
00:22:12,501 --> 00:22:15,418
It was a buzzer-beater, but you squashed
the dog uprising, Brett.
453
00:22:15,501 --> 00:22:18,084
I just wish our old coach
could have seen us.
454
00:22:18,168 --> 00:22:19,334
Where is she anyway?
455
00:22:23,126 --> 00:22:26,418
-Where's all your stuff?
-Who needs the baggage? Let's do this.
456
00:22:29,376 --> 00:22:31,584
Okay, on the count of three.
457
00:22:31,668 --> 00:22:34,084
One, two, three.
458
00:22:34,168 --> 00:22:35,584
[both yelp]
459
00:22:35,668 --> 00:22:37,709
-Goddamn, that burns!
-Goddamn, that burns!
460
00:22:37,793 --> 00:22:39,793
[gentle music plays]
461
00:22:44,209 --> 00:22:46,543
Okay. Remember, after I zap myself,
462
00:22:46,626 --> 00:22:50,834
you have a 60-second window
of suggestibility to read me the script.
463
00:22:51,418 --> 00:22:52,376
I love you.
464
00:22:52,459 --> 00:22:53,626
I love you back.
465
00:22:54,251 --> 00:22:56,251
[gentle music continues]
466
00:22:56,751 --> 00:23:00,376
[sighs] I can't wait
to finally be able to sleep at night.
467
00:23:10,126 --> 00:23:14,126
Your name is Martin Higgins.
You live just outside Appleton, Wisconsin.
468
00:23:15,084 --> 00:23:19,043
You had a hard time for a long time,
but you did something brave.
469
00:23:19,709 --> 00:23:23,918
You took a chance on a new life
because you realized you deserved one.
470
00:23:24,709 --> 00:23:29,084
I searched a thousand lifetimes
for the one that would make you happiest.
471
00:23:30,626 --> 00:23:32,168
And you'll find it one day.
472
00:23:33,001 --> 00:23:33,834
Just
473
00:23:34,876 --> 00:23:36,001
without me.
474
00:23:43,293 --> 00:23:44,334
You're free now.
475
00:23:45,251 --> 00:23:47,876
I'm sorry that I couldn't
be free with you.
476
00:23:48,959 --> 00:23:50,084
I'll miss you, Ron,
477
00:23:51,043 --> 00:23:52,626
and I know if it were possible,
478
00:23:54,293 --> 00:23:55,543
you'd miss me too.
479
00:24:06,876 --> 00:24:09,626
All right, Reagan, you made your choice
480
00:24:09,709 --> 00:24:12,626
because humanity needs someone
to make the hard choices.
481
00:24:14,543 --> 00:24:18,209
And as long as the person you love
is happy, maybe you can be happy later.
482
00:24:19,584 --> 00:24:21,709
Until then, you have a job to do.
483
00:24:26,793 --> 00:24:28,793
[helicopter blades whir]
484
00:24:29,876 --> 00:24:31,626
[melancholy music plays]
485
00:24:37,251 --> 00:24:38,084
[sighs]
486
00:24:38,709 --> 00:24:40,334
[Robe 1] You've considered our offer then.
487
00:24:41,084 --> 00:24:42,001
I accept.
488
00:24:42,084 --> 00:24:44,084
[melancholy music continues]
489
00:24:49,043 --> 00:24:50,834
Maybe you could be my new Reagan.
490
00:24:51,334 --> 00:24:53,668
How do you feel
about growing out a messy ponytail?
491
00:24:53,751 --> 00:24:56,501
[in Scooby-Doo voice]
I ruv you, Brett! Pratonicary!
492
00:24:56,584 --> 00:24:58,209
[Air Bud whines]
493
00:24:59,668 --> 00:25:00,751
[Air Bud barks]
494
00:25:00,834 --> 00:25:02,084
[gasps, in normal voice] Reagan!
495
00:25:02,668 --> 00:25:06,168
-[laughs] Okay, okay, down, boy!
-You're back!
496
00:25:06,751 --> 00:25:08,334
I found a solution.
497
00:25:08,418 --> 00:25:11,626
One where Staedtler doesn't have to live
with the memory of our breakup.
498
00:25:11,709 --> 00:25:14,209
Oh. But you do.
499
00:25:16,043 --> 00:25:18,251
Yeah. I didn't want to forget.
500
00:25:19,209 --> 00:25:20,751
-[Air Bud barks]
-[Reagan clears throat]
501
00:25:20,834 --> 00:25:22,126
What's with that dog?
502
00:25:22,209 --> 00:25:24,376
I thought you were
the office golden retriever.
503
00:25:24,459 --> 00:25:27,251
Long story, but I found a solution too.
504
00:25:27,918 --> 00:25:28,918
[Air Bud barks]
505
00:25:29,418 --> 00:25:31,918
-[Air Bud] Brett!
-Is that dog growing thumbs?
506
00:25:32,001 --> 00:25:33,251
Probably fine.
507
00:25:33,334 --> 00:25:37,418
Huh. Well, that's what we do here, right?
Solve unsolvable problems.
508
00:25:39,084 --> 00:25:41,709
-Oh, and the Robes are making me partner.
-What?
509
00:25:41,793 --> 00:25:44,001
Yeah, we're finally
gonna find out everything.
510
00:25:44,084 --> 00:25:46,418
-[dramatic music plays]
-No more secrets.
511
00:25:47,043 --> 00:25:50,209
[Robe 1] It is done. The pact is sealed.
512
00:25:50,834 --> 00:25:54,709
It's time to begin Project X37.
513
00:25:54,793 --> 00:25:56,918
[Robe 2] You don't think Reagan
will see this coming?
514
00:25:57,501 --> 00:25:58,751
[Robe 1] How could she?
515
00:25:58,834 --> 00:26:00,709
She's only human.
516
00:26:03,751 --> 00:26:05,668
[dramatic music plays]