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So, he flirts with you all the time during these late-night rehearsals?
No.
You said he just loves to flirt, that he's a dog.
How is that my fault?
Oh, so he does.
No, he doesn't.
Ah, so he flirts with every single pretty girl in the world except for you.
Have I ever given you any reason to believe I would be unfaithful?
No.
Then don't you think I deserve just a little bit of trust here?
I wish you were never in that stupid show.
Oh, now you're attacking the play.
I'm not attacking anything.
Jack, stop.
We have been together for three years
and I hope to be together forever and ever and ever and...
- You do? - Yes, I do.
I do, too.
Okay.
Then, can we stop?
Because I don't want to argue.
I don't want to argue either, honey, as long as you can admit that I'm right.
Dear Brett, as you probably know, tonight's performance of Wolfgang,
in which my amazingly talented girlfriend Lisa performs the role of Mozart's wife Constanze,
will be the final time the curtain rises on this great play.
Let us celebrate this occasion.
Why don't you and Sarah join me at the theater at 8:00
and then come over to our place for drinks after?
Not only can we toast Lisa in her biggest professional acting role to date,
but also, and I confess this to you only,
you will be witness to quite a momentous surprise as well.
Looking forward to seeing you guys.
Your friend, Jack.
Lisa.
Lisa, Lisa, Lisa.
I want to thank you all for...
Thanks, guys, for coming out tonight, Sarah, Brett.
Ah.
Lisa.
Okay. Lisa...
for the past three years that I've known you,
you're always positive, looking toward the future.
So, Lisa, honey.
- Okay, that's okay. - Wasn't it great?
So great, amazing.
I'm so glad you guys came.
Okay, we're hugging. Okay.
Yeah, we wanted to come earlier in the run. You just get so busy.
But aren't you glad you came though? Wasn't Lisa amazing?
- Lisa was so great. - Right?
Amazing. Right, Sarah?
So great.
Hmm.
Mm?
Coats?
No.
- Okay. - Ah, new sofa.
You know, uh, that's Lisa's.
I'm gonna get rid of all this old stuff once we get that next new payday.
It should be any day now, right, Brett?
Okay.
Drinks.
- Hmm. - Jack.
Go ahead and pop her open, it's a special occasion.
Mm-Hm.
- Woo! - Mm-hm.
- Sarah, you want some? - Mm.
I would kill someone for a gin and tonic.
I do not have any gin right now, but I do have white wine, I did not have a chance to chill it.
- Terrific. - Mm.
And boom.
That play is long, isn't it?
Honey.
Yeah, no, she's right, it's definitely on the longish side.
It's just that, it's past my bedtime
and I have some contract negotiations in the morning.
So, we should probably just head out.
- Well, it means a lot to Lisa that you made it out - Where's your bathroom?
It's right around the corner there.
Ugh.
Where is Lisa?
Oh, uh, she's getting changed.
- Oh, she wants to make a grand entrance. - Yes, she is an actress.
Oh...
- Anyway, cheers. - Cheers.
Ooh!.
Mm-Hm.
- Brett, I don't want to put you on the spot again... - Yeah.
Um, but you know, this was Lisa's, like, first real acting gig.
Right.
Yeah, it's not like some student film.
- Right. - It's not an infomercial.
- Right. - Yeah, it's like a real acting work, which she loves.
Well, I mean, you were right, she was great.
Yeah, but she was telling me on the way home, she's like,
"Man, I am never gonna get another decent part again."
- No. - Yeah.
She's like, "I'm gonna be bikini girl at the pool."
No.
Yeah. "I'm gonna be a friend killed by machete at the lake."
No.
She'll keep it going.
- So great. - Yeah.
- But she still doesn't have an agent.
Jack, I'm strictly literary. You know that, I don't handle actors.
I handle writers.
Uh, I handle great writers.
Thank you.
You know, I'm not comfortable with the term genius.
Anyway, so maybe you could, uh, I don't know, at some point tonight,
sit down with Lisa, talk to her, maybe set up some meetings down the line.
- Yeah, absolutely. - Yeah.
Of course, this is a really tough time in the industry right now.
- I'm just gonna... - Yeah.
Ah.
- Am I at the right place? - Paul?
- Hey, it's Brett. - Hey.
Of course, man.
We met at the thing, remember?
At the play.
No, at the premiere for Jack's movie.
- Right. - Yeah, it doesn't matter.
This is Sarah.
Sarah, so good to see you again.
We don't know each other.
Hi, I'm Trina.
Oh, yeah, my bad.
Yeah, this is my girlfriend Trina.
Trina this is...
- Brett. - Brett.
Hi, I'm Trina.
- And, uh, this is... - Sarah.
- This is Sarah. - Hi, I'm Trina.
- Hi. - Hello.
- You have a lovely home. - I do not live here.
Oh!
Mm. I need another one. Anybody else?
Sorry, guys, I didn't realize I had to...
Paul.
- Jack. - Hi, I'm Trina.
Oh, God!
I'm Jack. And can I get you a drink?
- I... I'm not a huge... - She's gotta try the bourbon. You gotta try it.
Here you go.
Whoa!
Hey.
Hello, everyone.
Hey!
Oh. Thank you all so much for coming.
Brett, Sarah, hi.
- Paul. - Lis.
My Mozart.
Oh, my Mozart.
God!
Right, I almost forgot. Uh, this is my friend Trina.
Oh, hi.
It is so nice to meet you.
- Lisa, darling, can I see you in my office, please? - Yeah.
Okay.
You didn't mention Paul was coming.
- Sure, I did. - No, you didn't.
Jack, I definitely mentioned I invited Paul.
Lisa, I definitely would have remembered if you had.
Okay.
Why is this a big deal?
It's not.
Well, it... It certainly seems like it is.
Well, it's not.
And you hadn't mentioned it, and now our guests and Paul are waiting.
It's only about 12 to 14 miles per gallon
and I'm like, "I don't care. I'll take it."
You're Paul's wife, in the play thingy.
- I didn't recognize you without all the big poofy hair. - Oh!
You were so good.
Thank you, thank you.
I love that part where you and Paul are sort of fooling around in the palace or whatever,
and you're acting like you're a little lamb.
Oh, yeah.
- Baa. - That's right.
Awoo!
I don't know.
Baa.
Awoo!
Baa.
appear, a little lamby-bamby, pamby.
No!
I'm going to rush-crush.
I'm going to gnaw-saw.
I'm going to rip you into pieces with my fang-bangs. Ah-ha!
Fang-bangs. Fang-bangs. Fang-bangs.
Awoo! I descend like moonlight unto thy pale bosom.
That this could be the great Mozart made the sting all the worse.
Wow, that's Salieri's line, how do you know that?
- B-b-b-b-b-b... - Because, unfortunately, I have a photographic memory.
That's right.
Imagine having an argument with her.
I felt bad for that Salieri guy.
- He tries so hard, you know, he just doesn't have it. - Yeah.
Mozart acts like that and just craps out perfection.
Well, how could Salieri not be jealous of Mozart?
Oh, my little lamb, my Constanze-banze, you're shaking.
You're scared. You're terrified of young Wolfie, huh?
You're going to stain your little white wool brown.
I'm just gonna...
Ha. Fuck!
- How's that drink? - It's amazing.
- So good, right? - So good.
- Here comes the charcuterie train. - How are you?
Charcuterie, charcuterie, charcuterie, charcuterie.
Anybody hungry?
Who eats this late?
Thank you.
- What did you make? - Just a little something.
Oh, my God.
- Looks good, Jack. - No one? Paul?
Yeah, I can't eat that.
- Why the hell not? - It looks great, it really does.
I just... I gotta watch my fat intake right now.
I'm shooting this Reebok CrossFit commercial in a month.
You booked that?
I did, yeah, it's gonna be national.
- Paul, that's amazing. - Thank you.
So, gotta keep track of my abs, you know.
Oh, come on, like you need to worry about that.
Well, I'm like practically vegan at this point, so that whole plate is an issue.
Mm-hm.
CrossFit and vegan.
Do you rescue puppies from animal shelters on your off hours?
Jack!
Yes. Oh, I'm joking.
No. Actually, I do.
Right now, I'm fostering little pit-bull bitches.
Oh!
- Sweet. - It's cool.
You know, I actually think it was quite an interesting choice
to make Mozart an African-American.
- Jack? - Whoa! - My God!
Are you serious?
No.
What?
Come... What? No.
No. I'm just considering.
No, I was just considering the fact that Mozart, the original Mozart,
was indeed, as you know, not black.
Oh, fuck?
Wow. I didn't know race was such an issue for you, Jack.
It isn't. It's not an issue, I love black Mozart.
It's the greatest fucking idea I've ever heard in my life.
Well, it is an amazing point, right?
And we can... We can say that.
I mean, all of Shipley's plays actually, right.
I mean, Wolfgang, The Equestrian, so many of them.
It's just... I mean... And Broadway and Hollywood,
being able to go back and forth like that just hit after hit.
God, if I could have been his agent.
You might have made a commission.
- Okay, that came out wrong. - It's fine.
Jack, you're a great writer, okay.
Nope, you're a genius and I know you're not comfortable with that term.
You know, I'd be comfortable just with a single payday at this point, man.
I mean, when are we gonna sell something?
I got how many scripts out there?
Oh, hey, we will, we will. You just got to believe that.
I do.
And everybody else in this room believes that too.
What the fuck are we talking about, Brett?
Wait, so you're a writer?
He's a great writer.
Oh, my God!
What do you write, just plays?
No, he... He actually, he writes movies.
No, no, no, he writes great movies.
I have one produced credit to my name.
Alright, so far.
What was the movie?
Oh, God!
- The Dead Doth Trot the Hills at Night. - Oh, my God!
- What? - You wrote "The Dead Doth Trot the Hills at Night?"
Yes. I mean, yeah.
I didn't... The film didn't turn out exactly how I wanted it to turn.
I loved that movie.
- Really? - See, Jack? You're writing affects people.
I... I love how the movie... It was...
Well, it was sort of like a regular type of zombie movie
but there was something like totally different about it, too.
Yeah, yeah, I did.
I tried to subvert a lot of the common genre tropes, you know,
like, uh, the whole hive mind convention,
like why can't zombies think and feel for themselves, you know, as individuals, right?
Totally. I have never laughed so much in a movie.
What?
Why didn't you tell me you know the person who wrote
"The Dead Doth Trot the Hills at Night?"
- Uh... Didn't I? - No.
As a matter of fact, we're all kind of connected to Doth Trot.
I signed Jack because of that script.
And Lisa had a small role in the film, in an important sequence, a great sequence,
so tense and scary, so visceral,
and still just a touch melancholy if you think about it,
which is how they met.
And then Sarah here did the contracts at the studio for foreign sales.
There you go. The movie did fantastic business overseas.
He did well, right honey?
I mean, not in terms of revenue, no.
Sad.
Wait, so you're like, uh, an entertainment lawyer.
You know, I am like an entertainment lawyer.
In fact, I am an entertainment lawyer.
She's underselling you. She's a shark.
Watch... Watch out.
She's gonna be a partner in no time.
- Ooh! - It's just a job.
I don't even like movies.
She doesn't like movies?
- You loved "The Dead Doth Trot the Hills at Night." - I never saw it.
She saw it.
- But I'm sure it's awesome. - Mm-Hm. See?
Hey! Oh, shit, honey. I'm so sorry.
This is Lisa's night. We're not here to talk about Doth Trot.
We're here to talk about Lisa, right, Brett?
Oh, right, absolutely, absolutely.
Lisa, I just want to say, I mean...
I mean, Sarah and I,
we both wanted to say that we really enjoyed your performance tonight, right, Sarah?
- Yes. - Oh, wow.
Well, you know, it's not... It's not me up there on that stage.
You know, I am... I am merely a vessel.
Oh, I love this song. I love this song.
Okay.
Um... No, really.
Uh, when we were there, at one point in the show,
Sarah and I, we both looked up on the stage
and we were like, "Is that Lisa up there on the stage?"
We did?
Sure was 'cause, um, I was up on that stage just trying to, you know,
hold my own against much better actors.
- You outclassed everyone else on that stage. - Oh, you stop it.
Babe, can you, uh...
Brett, weren't you going to, uh, set up a couple agent meetings for Lisa?
- Yeah. - Yeah.
- Well, I'm just a literary agent. - Yeah. Could you?
- Could you do that? - I mean...
- Babe. - Well...
No, I know, and you know what, if it's, um,
if it's weird at all like you don't have to worry about...
Lis, why don't I hook you up with my commercial agent?
We can get drinks, I'll set it up.
- Hey, Trina. - No.
Brett, Brett is the man.
Brett is the man with the plan, right, Bretty boy?
Okay, now that that's settled, good night.
Okay. No, no, no, wait. Wait, let's have drinks, it's Lisa's night.
Lisa.
Honey, it's okay 'cause, look, they're tired.
- No, we're gonna have one more drink. - Oh!
- Because it's Lisa's night. - I wouldn't mind another drink.
It's not.
Thank you all for coming tonight
uh, and for staying and for celebrating this wonderful occasion.
For the three years that I have known Lisa,
I have seen her suffer in every possible way for her art.
But, uh, no matter how hard it got, no matter how rough or tough or stumbly,
she never quit, just always looking toward the future.
So, uh, Lisa.
- To Lisa. - Paul?
Seriously, Lis, you killed that, okay.
I've seen maybe like half a dozen performances of Wolfgang
- and you are the best Constanze I have ever seen. - Oh.
- Right, Brett? - It's alright.
- To Lisa. - To Lisa.
- Lisa. - To Lisa.
To Lisa.
How about to Mozart? The star of our play.
- To Paul. - Well, yeah, to Paul.
To Paul.
And to Lisa.
- You already did Lisa. - Right.
- You know, how did you two meet? - Equinox.
That place is pricey.
- Well, I'm a trainer there, so... - Of course, you are.
- Jack. - So, um, are you a trainer there, too?
Please, I have to force myself to work out.
But when Paul first started there as a trainer, I was like, "Oh, my God," you know.
Yeah.
Right away, I signed up for all his classes, uh, boot camp, ab blasters, curls for girls.
Yeah, anything he taught, I was right there, front row, just sweating my tits off.
- My favorite. - Sounds romantic.
Well, it sounds romantic now
but at the time, I was so depressed, like, he's never gonna notice me.
And then the whole thing was like a dream, you know.
He, like, drifted over and he leaned in and he said,
"It really looks like you're getting your body fat index under control."
Positive reinforcement, it's very important.
I wanted to cry.
Me too.
Mm-Hm, what is this stuff? It's so good.
It's so good, right, amazing. So good, right, right?
Amazing.
Lisa, I have a confession to make.
- Trina... - No, no, no, no.
Shh.
We haven't met yet, but for the longest time,
me and you, we were mortal enemies.
Uh, why?
- It's because of the play. - The play thingy.
Brought Trina to a dress rehearsal one time,
- she saw us kissing onstage and now this is - That's just acting.
- The kissing isn't real. - Ugh, I hated the kissing.
But then I would grill Paul like, "Wait, like, kissing her better than me?"
- Like, "What's the deal?" - Who wants another? Brett?
- Yes. - Yeah, please.
You guys, you've been friends for like a decade.
You've been through all the same acting classes
and all the ups and downs of being an... An actor but, um...
But still, I... I... I knew Paul.
I knew how he flirted, you know, just made me crazy, you know.
Kill you.
Okay, you are right about one thing.
What's that?
Paul is a terrible flirt.
Okay. So, I'm a flirt.
- I mean, you can't turn it off. - I'm horrible.
You're a dog.
Strike me down, I am your dog.
Strike me down, Constanze-banza.
- Constanze-banza-ranza-danza. - No.
Well-deserved. I know what please you as well.
- No. - Oh-oh.
Beat me, punish me, abuse me for your pleasure.
Stop it, Wolfie.
Bend and be spanked pink wherein thou art already pink.
Enough! Okay, that's disgusting.
That's a disgusting and vulgar scene and I hate it.
It's the worst scene in the entire play.
- Jack. - Yes, darling?
You're being rude.
Am I? I think I was just making an observation about your scene.
Jack. Take it easy, take it easy.
Let me, uh... Let me top you off.
Brett, I literally have to be up in four hours, we're leaving.
You are right.
Hey, it's been great, we really enjoyed it.
Play was amazing. Lisa, you were so good. Yeah.
You know, funny thing about the play, it's not about Mozart.
Who do we care about?
Who drives the action?
Salieri.
The play's about Salieri.
The man who wants so badly to be a genius that he offers up his soul to God
and that's all he cares about, that's his whole life.
But no matter how much he sacrifices,
he just doesn't have the talent, no matter how hard he tries.
Salieri will never be Mozart.
Well, Jack is not really comfortable with the term genius.
That's not funny!
Oh!
I'm just gonna...
- Right. - Alright.
Drive safe. Drive safe.
- I made a pie. - Yeah, I definitely can't eat that.
Of course, not.
You know, historically, pie throwing is met with laughter.
Honey, that was hilarious.
You embarrassed me and you yelled at me.
Wait, when did I yell at you?
You practically screamed at me, "That's not funny!"
Well, you were mocking me.
I was not.
"He's not really comfortable with the term genius."
You... You... You say that. You say that all the time.
I say it as a joke, honey, you said it as an insult.
No, I didn't.
Ask anyone who was here tonight.
Fine, I'm gonna call Brett right now.
Well, your friend is just gonna go along with anything that you say.
Well, why don't we call your friend Paul?
Oh, my God!
Ask whoever you want.
This is bullshit.
It's not bullshit.
It's about how you see me.
It's about what you think of me.
Goddammit.
This whole night is like a frickin' afterthought to you.
Oh, the night we're celebrating my play wasn't centered enough around you.
- You know, that's not what I meant. - Do I?
I think you do.
I just wish we could redo this whole night, so that you could see how wrong you are.
Yeah, I wish we can redo the whole night, so we can see how wrong you are.
Dear Brett, Sarah, Paul and Trina, I'm so embarrassed.
I feel terrible about how I acted last night.
I can only imagine what you all must think of me right now.
Anyway, Lisa and I talked about it and we want to have you all back right away
so that I can apologize in person, as in tonight.
I know you all lead busy lives
but it's very important to Lisa and I that we get a chance to do this night over again.
Please come over, please.
It's really important.
If you don't agree to come over right away,
I think that this unpleasant memory will have a catastrophic effect.
Thank you in advance.
Your friend, Jack.
You're always looking toward the future, Lisa.
Lisa...
Real great.
Wasn't it great?
Can't get enough of us?
- Sarah. - No, no. Oh, God! We're hugging again.
- Okay. - So glad.
- What? - Hey, that you guys made it, man.
- Aren't you glad you saw it? - Wolfgang?
It's amazing, right?
And wasn't Lisa amazing?
Uh, yes, she was.
So amazing. Right, Sarah? So amazing.
Hey.
Good.
You got another one, Jack?
Sarah, darling, you want some bourbon?
Gin and tonic.
I'm so stupid, gin and tonic.
I don't think we have any but I got your favorite, room-temperature wine.
And it means a lot to Lisa that you came.
Mm-Hm.
- Bathroom. - What?
- Gotta pee? - No.
It's weird.
Where is Lisa?
She's getting dressed, changed, dressed.
Wants to make an entrance.
Exactly, because she is an actress after all.
Oh. Cheers.
- Yeah. - Mm-Hm.
Ahh.
Brett, I hate to bring it up again, but, as you know, this is Lisa's first real acting job.
Yeah, we talked about this.
It's not some infomercial. It's not some student film.
Jack, give me a break, alright, we talked about this, what, like 24 hours ago?
- I'll make the calls. I promise. - No, no, I know, I know, yeah, I get it.
You're strictly a lit agent and you represent great writers
and I'm not comfortable with the term genius.
Uh...
I'm just gonna...
What's happening?
Would you get that?
Hey, Paul.
How you doing? Sarah.
Hi, Trina.
Well, baby, come on.
You'll be all right.
You got it? Okay.
Oh, not again.
It's nice to see you again.
Sorry about that, guys, I just had to... Wait a minute.
Paul, it's so unexpectedly wonderful to see you here.
And Trina, I'm so glad that you made it.
- Mm. It's nice to see you again. - Jack.
Mm. What can I get you to drink?
Nothing.
Really? You can have anything.
Not true. There's no gin.
You're right, there's no gin.
But perhaps Brett can pour Trina some bourbon.
- Alright. - I will literally barf on this floor.
Hey!
Hello, everyone.
Brett, hello.
Sarah, hi.
- Paul. - Lisa.
- Get over here, Paul. - Oh.
Spin me.
Okay.
Again.
Oh, okay.
Big hug!
- Honey. - Yeah?
Can I see you in my office, please?
- Sure. - Wonderful.
Strange you didn't mention Paul was coming.
I specifically remember doing that.
Ugh. It's not what you said.
Okay, well, that's not what you said either.
Well, what did I say exactly?
You remember last night when, uh, Trina forgot that you were Constanze in the play thingy?
I do. Not without my big poofy hair.
And then Trina, you remember how he brought up that scene?
It's a great scene.
It's Paul and Lisa and they're just goofing around the palace.
- Baa! - Yeah, that's a good one.
- Baa! Baa! - That's right.
- Paul, do you remember that? - I do.
Baa!
- Do it, Paul. - Come on, Paul.
- Baa! - Awoo!
- What do my eyes do? They do appear a little... - No.
...lamby-bamby, pamby.
I'm going to rush-crush. I'm going to gnaw-saw.
I'm going to rip you to... Oh, we're going over the couch again... To my fang-pangs.
Awoo!
I descend like moonlight unto thy pale bosom.
That this could be the great Mozart made the sting all the worse.
That is Salieri's line. What do you have a photographic memory or something?
I do.
Imagine having an argument with her.
Right, right.
Then I remember Trina saying she actually felt bad for Salieri
because Salieri just doesn't have it.
And then I made the observation that by contrast... What the hell was it?
Okay, so that thing is beeping.
Oh, mm-hm. By contrast, Mozart is perfection.
And then I said, how the hell can Salieri not be jealous.
However, darling, when I said that, I recall...
Weren't you over here, Paul, just humping away on Lisa?
- That's what I remember. - Paul, continue.
Oh, my little lamb-legged Constanze-banza-ranza.
You're shaking, you're terrified of young Wolfie,
you're gonna stain your little white wool brown.
Oh!
Oh, Jesus!
I'm just gonna...
Boom.
Charcuterie, charcuterie, charcuterie, charcuterie.
You alright?
Oh, I am fine, Paul.
Thank you for your tremendous concern.
Charcuterie, charcuterie, charcuterie, charcuterie, choo-choo.
Anybody hungry? I made a charcuterie plate.
I just ate. We just ate.
We just ate.
Paul, I know you can't have any because of your Reebok commercial.
Right.
Plus, you're a CrossFit vegan who saves puppies, yay.
And I thought it was an interesting choice to have Mozart played
- by an African-American. - Whoa, Jack?
Again, with this shit?
No, no, no, no, no.
No.
No, no, no.
Okay, wait. Is anybody else having an out-of-body experience?
Thank you, I thought I was losing my mind.
- Moving on. - Okay, that's my limit.
- Goodnight, everyone. - Yeah, okay.
- Wait. - Wait.
Okay, okay, this is what's going on.
Lisa and I had an argument last night and then to figure out who was right,
- we decided to do over the entire night... - Yeah.
Start to finish.
Everything exactly the way it was.
So that's why we're here, again.
We probably should have told you guys.
But we were worried that you might not come.
That's right. Get out of my way.
Wait, wait, wait. This is interesting, right,
Jack and Lisa are doing this to strengthen their relationship, right?
- Right. - They're supporting each other
and that's why we're here, isn't it?
To support each other.
Fine.
Coat.
Mm.
- Wait, wait, wait, if we're really doing this... - Trina.
Everything has to be exactly as it was last night, right?
But you're sick.
We're going to find out who's right.
Yeah, we are.
Ugh. I am fine.
- What? - Get on the floor.
- Seriously? - Come on, Paul.
Sarah, where did we leave off?
Next, we talked about Henry Shipley.
Almond, bite.
Okay, photographic memory. What did I say?
- Stare. - It certainly was a great play.
Yes. And, uh, okay, I talked about what a success that guy was,
Broadway and Hollywood, hit after hit.
God, if I could have been his agent.
That's not what I said.
- Mmm... - Yes, it is.
- Yeah. - Mm-Hm.
Oh, yeah, I might have commented on how great Shipley's career was for a second,
but then I went on to talk about how great Jack's script was and it is,
- it's a great script, Jack. - Um, look, I know we're doing it like a thing here,
but I was just wondering, who did you play in The Dead Doth Trot the Hills at Night?
Oh, um...
Do you remember the pharmacy sequence?
Yeah, I mean, it's my favorite part of the whole movie.
- Isn't it great? - So great.
Who were you in that?
I was, um, topless female zombie number three.
You got to see Doth Trot, Sarah, it's so good.
I mean, that sequence alone, right, Trina?
Oh, it's midnight.
The zombies have finally reached the little pharmacy in the hills.
And we don't know, okay, we have no idea.
- They have no idea. - If there's even any more antidote left.
- I don't know. - Right, so is it too late for us
to be cured of our murderous rage?
So much tension, so much tension.
And so, I... I kick down the pharmacy doors and I get in there.
And that's when the posse of townspeople arrive.
You frickin' zombies! Or whatever they say.
Yeah, that was it and they're just... They're just blasting away.
Boom, boom, boom.
You know so that is when I take a stand, Sarah.
- Yeah. - I walk up to the posse and I reach out my hand
and I am covered in blood. I mean, bloody.
My shirt is just ripped off and I look at them and I say,
"Do we not share a common humanity?"
- That was you. - That was me.
It really was an awesome line.
Thanks.
I mean, even hearing it just now, goose bumps.
- Yeah, I appreciate that. - Yeah, and you know what, after that,
the priest blew your head off with the rocket launcher, right.
Yeah.
So funny.
I did not write that. That was not part of the original script.
I mean, your head just went fucking kaboom!
There were shards of brains everywhere.
So awesome.
Yeah, that was the director, though. He demanded the rocket launcher.
Yeah, which is why the movie didn't ultimately work.
Because of a rocket launcher?
No, because the director didn't grasp the nuance of the fucking script.
So, what was next?
Brett volunteered to find you a talent agent.
Yeah. You remember?
Oh, yeah. I remember that, Brett.
Do you want to... Actually, do you want to just do that again?
Do you want to run through that real quick?
Um, I was like, um... Uh, sure, Lisa, I could...
Uh, I could definitely introduce you to some talent agents.
Well, okay, but do you really think you can do that?
But, remember, I am just a literary agent.
Thank you, honey.
Uh, well, um, I'm just a literary agent.
Right, and Paul chimes in and he says,
"Hey, I'm gonna take you out for dinner with my agent."
I offered to help, yes.
Oh, yeah, and then Sarah wanted to leave.
I was tired.
I just wanted to give a toast.
- And then Trina got herself another drink. - Oh, God!
Trina, what are you doing?
We're gonna find out who's right.
Yeah!
To the dining room.
Paul, I'm sure, you were there and I was here.
- Okay, the hostility, you don't need that. - You were there and I was here.
You don't need that.
- Okay, so I said... - Yeah.
- Thank you all for coming... - Tch, tch, tch, tch, tch.
Thank you all for coming out tonight.
- Uh... - In the three years that I've known Lisa...
Three years. Thank you, Sarah.
In the three years that I have known Lisa...
Lis, what was the argument about?
Jack thought I said something that was meant to make fun of him.
No matter how hard things got... Trying to make a toast.
Okay. Well...
- No matter how hard things... - Wait, what did you say?
We call him a genius.
She was always optimistic about the future. That's not how you said it.
- It is how I said it. - She was always optimistic toward the future.
- And then Paul coming up just like last night... - Yeah.
- And I said, Lisa... - Yes, he did interrupt, still in dream...
- Oh, Trina. - ...to go on and on about Lisa.
Okay, Trina, but then you talked about how you and Paul met.
Well, a tale as old as time itself.
Girl falls in love with a gym instructor.
Girl watches as gym instructor flirts with all the little hot girls in their little jog bras.
It sounds romantic, right?
- Trina. - Oh, I suppose I'm imagining that now, too.
- You okay? - Mm-Hm.
Okay, fine, let's do this then.
I don't want to air out our dirty laundry,
but last night, Trina and I had an argument, too.
Oh, yeah, about what?
About Paul and Lisa.
- What? - What about Paul and Lisa?
Oh, isn't Lisa gonna be such a massive success?
Wasn't she just so amazing in the thingy?
- It was a toast. People say nice things sometimes. - It was my toast.
I am Paul and I have seen this play all over the world.
- And Lisa is by far the best poofy haired girl. - I didn't say that.
- You're hung up on her, Paul, just admit it. - I just never said that.
- I never said that. - He didn't say it like that.
I didn't say... I didn't say any of that.
This is... But this is why we're here.
This is why we're here tonight, so you can see that you're wrong.
Lisa, help me out.
- Trina, you're wrong. - I'm not wrong.
Yes, you are because Paul and I, we are just friends.
Just friends, did you hear that? We're just friends.
- Oh, you're just friends? - Yes, we're just friends.
- You're just friends, are you? - We're just friends.
- You're just friends. - That's disgusting.
- Oh, that's really mature. - Oh, you just friends.
- Yeah, so mature. - Oh, you just friends. You just friends.
Oh, my God.
- Just friends, right? - You're a freak.
- You're just friends. - This is over.
I don't wanna hear about this ever again, alright?
- My mind is certainly at ease now. - This is never going to end.
She's not going to stop, she's just not gonna stop.
What did I do? I haven't done anything.
Wow, okay, guess what.
There is nothing, nothing to be jealous of.
Oh, I love this song.
Dance, Trina, dance.
To the living room.
No, it's not a problem.
No, I have accepted the way that things are
and I should actually be thanking Paul for helping me realize this about the world.
None of us is attracted to just one person.
I mean, let's be honest.
There's a lot of candy out there.
You might be with one person, but all day long,
you find your eyes drawn to a stranger.
A co-worker, a friend,
or maybe someone you met at a cocktail party.
- Mm? - Uh... Excuse me.
Hey. Is there something I need to know here?
No, why are you blaming me for Paul's bad behavior? Blame Paul, he is the dog.
Awoo!
Strike me down, I am your dog.
Strike me down, Constanze-panza. Constanze-panza-ranza-danza.
No.
Well-deserved that you know what please as well.
- No. - Hello.
Beat me, punish me, abuse me for your pleasure.
- Stop it, Wolfie. - I don't know what to do with my hands.
Or does mistress want to be beaten herself?
Hey, Paul.
Did you... Did you want to control Miss Equinox over here?
Trina, I know exactly what you're doing.
Don't worry, Paul, we're just friends.
Bend and be spanked pink wherein thou art already pink.
- Trina! - Alright, enough.
I'm... I'm done. I, uh... I can't do this anymore.
But we haven't gotten to the part we were arguing about.
I don't need to. I already know what happened.
No, you don't.
You don't know, Jack, and that is why we need to redo this exactly the way it was.
Yeah, but nobody's doing that.
How are we supposed to get to the truth if we can't...
I mean, Paul brings up the rocket launcher.
Trina's just riding all over Brett and then Paul brings up the rocket launcher.
Man, we didn't talk about any of that shit yesterday.
Oh, f... I'm just gonna...
Oh, God.
- Oh, no! - I made a pie.
I made a pie.
I got that CrossFit commercial coming.
Of course, you do.
Coming.
Wasn't it great?
So great.
Amazing.
So great, amazing.
So great.
Amazing.
- I'm so glad you made it. - Okay, we're hugging. Okay.
Okay.
We wanted to come earlier in the run. You just get so busy.
Aren't you glad you saw it though?
Wasn't Lisa amazing?
Oops!
Special occasion.
Go ahead, open it up.
Woo!
I'm just gonna...
Doorbell rings.
Cue Paul and Trina.
Paul, you don't remember me at all, do you?
- Not at all. - Ah, he's finally honest.
Guys, be serious.
- Am I in the right place? - Am I in the right place?
It's Brett.
You know, we actually sat right next to each other at the premiere of Doth Trot.
- Oh, my God! - Just let it go, man.
- Guys. - Screw you, man.
Right back at you, buddy.
Guys, come on.
Oh, hey, Paul.
- Jack. - So glad you made it.
You're totally welcome even though I wasn't told you were coming.
I told you, Jack.
Wasn't it great?
- Lisa, was so great. - Right?
Amazing.
- "Right, Sarah?" - Amazing. Right, Sarah?
- Great. - So great.
Can I get you a drink?
She's gotta try the bourbon. You gotta try it.
There she is.
Hello, everyone.
Thank you all so much for coming.
Brett, hi. Sarah, hi.
- Paul. - Lis.
- Thank you, Paul. - They hug, Jack seethes.
Wasn't it great?
Special occasion.
Hi, I'm Trina.
Hi.
Awoo!
- Baa! - Oh, what do my eyes little lamby-bamby, pamby.
- No! - I'm going to rush-crush.
I'm going to gnaw-saw.
I'm going to rip you into pieces with my fang-pangs.
I descend like moonlight upon that pale bosom.
That this could be the great Mozart made the sting all the worse.
How do you know that line? That's Salieri's line.
- Got a photographic memory or something? - I do.
Imagine having an argument with her.
- I felt bad for that Salieri guy. - Sure did.
He tries so hard, he just doesn't have it.
You're scared of young Wolfie. You're terrified.
You're going to stain your little white wool brown.
Thank you all for coming out to celebrate this...
It's not about Mozart. ...night.
No matter how much you sacrifice...
For three years, Lisa and I have been together...
Who do we care about? Who drives the action? He just doesn't have the talent.
Salieri. No matter how hard he tries. The play is about Salieri.
He just doesn't have the talent.
I say, "Lisa," and that is when Paul interrupts me.
Did I really?
You killed it, Lis.
And then I said, "And here's to Mozart, the star of our play. Here's to Paul."
Paul.
To Paul.
I can't drink anymore.
You have to drink, Trina.
It says "everybody drinks."
Good girl.
- Good girl. - Wait, so you're a writer?
He's a great writer.
Oh, uh, yeah, he's a great writer.
Brett.
It's true, Jack.
Oh, sorry, it's true, Jack.
What do you write, just play thingies?
Uh-huh, he writes movies.
Oh, wow.
Oh, wow!
He writes great movies. What is wrong with you guys?
He writes great movies.
What?
I can't do this anymore.
I'm done.
What are you talking about? Don't leave.
It's going great.
Wasn't the play awesome?
So good, so good, so great. Oh, really?
Oh. I'm just trying to hold my own against much better actors.
Oh, you wrote "The Dead Doth Trot",
or whatever the fuck the name of that movie is.
It was so funny.
It's going great, right?
It gave me goose bumps, see?
Aren't you guys just a bunch of beautiful snowflakes?
- Okay, honey brave... - No, I am done being nice.
Wait!
Ouch.
I am only here because you forced me to be, Brett.
I came, I supported you and now I'm done.
You know, you people have no idea what work is.
You're like, "Do you like my little make-believe story?"
You know, it's not just me up there. Baa!
I'm merely a vessel.
I have an actual job.
I make decisions.
I... I... I dry clean my clothes
and all I want right now more than anything in the world is sleep.
Honey, wait, please, wait, wait.
No more hugging.
Okay.
She's just really tired, you know. So great.
Damn.
Sorry, honey. I'm just gonna...
I made a pie.
- Why this isn't working? - I don't know.
Dear Brett, Sara, Paul and Trina, over the last,
who knows how many nights, we have been on a search for truth.
Who am I?
What is the nature of my relationship?
Is change even possible?
We have each tirelessly pursued answers to these questions.
But, and I confess this to you all, we have failed.
However, after careful thought, I have come to an exciting realization.
We have been unable to attain the truth we seek
simply because we, in the very act of reenacting our own arguments,
do not have the objectivity necessary for clear analytical judgment.
Accordingly, I have come upon a tactic
which should serve to facilitate this objectivity,
therefore, allowing for the possibility of full unfettered insight and understanding.
I look forward to seeing you all tonight.
Your friend, Jack.
- Paul. - Jack.
Jack, honey, what... What's happening here?
Oh, God.
Will the actors please enter?
- Hi. - Hi.
Thanks.
Okay, welcome.
As you know, you have all been summoned here
to audition for a new play called "The Argument."
I am Jack, the writer/director,
and I would love for each of you to say your name
and then tell us the character part you're reading for today.
I usually like to absorb the material ahead of time.
But sure, let's do a call.
My name is Walter Howard Johnson III.
I'm a singer-songwriter, sculptor, sailor, chef,
but, most importantly, the seeker of truth.
- Oh, yeah. - And what part are you reading for?
I'm reading for Jack.
Thank you. Next.
Hi, I'm Lisa, that's my real name and the character's name,
which is sort of like fate, I guess you could say.
Anyways, I am five-seven. My measurements are 36-24-36...
- Why do we need to know her measurements? - Shh.
...which is a true hourglass. I enjoy jet skiing, beach volleyball,
- and making new friends. - Oh.
- Yeah. - I'm Brett.
And I also brought, um, some headshots and bikini shots if anyone wants one.
- Oh, my God. - No, thank you.
I'll take one.
- I'm just gonna have a drink. - Maybe we would do that later.
- I'll just... I'll put these right here. - Awesome.
Hey, uh, do I know you?
No, I don't think so.
- Mm-hm. - Okay, uh, who's next?
- First of all, I participate in the arts because it's political. - Oh, Jesus.
To challenge to the status quo is my generation's responsibility
and I make no apologies for that.
- Good for you. - Oh, my God, Jack.
- What? - What?
- What's your name? - Oh, my name is irrelevant.
Although I am heterosexual, I would like to dedicate my performance today
to my LGBTAQ brothers and sisters across the globe.
And for the duration of this reading,
I would like to be referred to as my non-binary gender identifier of Myke,
it's with a Y, if you can deal with that.
- Me? - Yeah.
That's really funny.
At first, I thought you said your name was "Irrelevant"
and I thought that's kind of cool name.
- You go, Trina. - It's Myke.
- Right. - Who's next?
Oh, um, my name is Billy
and I am auditioning for the role of Brett and the role of Sarah.
Great casting.
Hold on. How does that even work?
Hey, give the kid a shot, Paul.
Boy, can I just say this is so exciting.
I mean, I've been in L.A. for not even a month and already I'm auditioning for a play.
Yeah, I... I told... Told my folks, um, over the phone last night
and they're just so pumped.
- Should I sit? I should sit back, down. Yeah. - Okay.
What up, motherfuckers? My name is D-Fuckin'-Money.
I'm playing motherfuckin'... Paul.
- Um. - Seriously, Jack?
What? I didn't fucking write that. Holy shit, mister.
I don't know, don't you think he's just a little, uh...
Little... Little... Little... What? Oh, man!
Oh, oh! A little what?
Little what? Little what?
Little what? What? Little what? Little what?
Say it, say it, say it, motherfucker, say it.
Whoa, whoa, could we just like not do the offensive language?
That's what I thought.
That's how I fucking talk.
So, you just went out to the hood and found the blackest...
- Whoa! - Oh! - Babe!
What? No, no, no, no. No, no, no, no.
No, no, no, no.
Watch your fucking mouth.
That's your script. And that's your seat there.
- Sup? - Hi.
Okay, let's dive right in.
Excuse me.
I was wondering if you could tell us a little bit about this production.
The ad on Craigslist didn't have much info.
- Craigslist. - Why don't we save all of these extraneous questions
for after all the fun stuff and get into the creative right now? What do you say, guys?
Yeah? Okay, wonderful.
- Lisa is gonna read the stage directions. - Really?
This is... That's also Lisa, isn't that funny?
The Argument, a play in one act.
Lights up in the kitchen of a small,
tastefully appointed Spanish-styled bungalow in Hollywood, California.
Preparing appetizers with impressive culinary skills is Jack,
30, a quiet soul, clearly, a deep thinker,
but not without a rugged animal magnetism.
What? I like it.
I like it already.
Thank you.
The doorbell rings, Jack opens the door to find Brett, 40, in a suit.
Wait, 40?
- Brett, you are 40. - But I look 40?
- That's accurate, yes. - You look... - That I... That I believe...
- Anyways... - Can we just continue?
production, the part of Sarah,
entertainment lawyer and longtime girlfriend of Brett,
will be played for the entirety of the production by a sock puppet?
Hi, there, how's everybody doing?
What the hell is happening?
Brett and I spoke and if Sarah doesn't want to participate.
If Sarah doesn't want to be here, she is a sock.
Calling me a child, I'm not the child, she's a child.
Well, on that slightly aggressive note, it sure is good to meet you guys.
You're a sock puppet, Sarah.
That's what you are.
You're a sock puppet. Mee, mee, mee.
We'll see how she likes this one, huh?
Okay, people. We have a lot to get through here.
So, uh, Jack.
Wasn't it great?
Oh, um, so great, amazing.
So glad you guys could make it.
Hey, is it cool if I take my shirt off for this?
- Do it. - What?
- I just really like to go for it as an actor. - No, man, don't. No. Don't.
No, don't take your shirt off.
Just trying to feel my way around this.
Okay. Lisa.
- Yeah, you should take your shirt off. - I agree. Hi, I'm Trina.
Read the stage directions.
Oh.
Ooh, sorry.
Uh, Jack wraps Sarah in a warm embrace.
Oh, we're hugging again. Okay.
What can I get you guys to drink?
- Um, you have any bourbon? - Yes, we do.
- Dude, stop. - Quiet, motherfucker! We acting.
Yeah, quiet!
Okay, moving on, Jack.
I actually do have a nice little bottle that I picked up for the occasion.
Jack selflessly offers the no less than $100 bottle of bourbon
to his literary agent Brett
despite the fact that Jack hasn't been sent out on a meeting in months,
which we shall learn later.
- Jesus, Jack. - I write what I know.
Hey, Brett. I don't want to put you on the spot.
Well, what can I do for you?
This was Lisa's first serious acting job.
Right.
Not some student film.
Right.
- Not an infomercial. - Oh, right.
Not topless female zombie 3 in the movie which shall remain nameless.
Actual acting, which is what she loves.
Jack takes a deep breath,
for he is about to selflessly attempt to offer career support to his beloved girlfriend,
even though, he unconsciously knows that she will never truly appreciate his efforts.
Jack, can I talk to you in your office for a second?
- Yeah. - Not you.
You.
- What are we doing? - No, no, no, this is so good. This is helping...
Helping what?
Helping us figure out who's right.
About what? I can't even remember.
Of course, this is a really tough time in the industry right now.
Beep, beep, beep.
I'm just gonna...
Where the fuck he going?
I think we really have something here.
It's current, it's political, it speaks to where we are as a people.
- What are you doing in here? - I need to move.
It helps me discover the character.
- Yeah. - Jesus. - Jesus.
He opens the stove, checks the pie.
Um, don't do that.
Look, man, I'm open to direction, but at some point, this is my craft.
Ding-dong, motherfucking doorbell.
Brett, could you get that?
This is the right place.
It's Brett.
Yeah, yeah. You good. You good. Brett. Brett the agent, right?
Paul pretends to remember Brett but it's clear that he never cared enough to try.
In fact, one wonders if Paul has ever cared about anything other than himself.
Yes, one does wonder that, doesn't she?
Years ago, doesn't matter, this is Sarah.
Sarah, 'sup? What's up?
- Oh, how you doing? - Sarah, really? Come on.
- Hi, I'm Trina. - Excuse me?
Paul introduces Sarah and Brett to his Australian girlfriend
whose body fat index is under control.
Yeah, buddy, this is my girl Trina. Trina, this is Brett and...
Hi, I'm Trina.
- Hi, I'm Sarah. - Yeah, that'd be Sarah.
Yeah.
Hi, I'm Trina... Wait, have you proof-read this? I say that like eight times.
Oh, yeah, it's perfect.
Hello.
You have a lovely home.
I do not live here.
It is then that Lisa makes her grand entrance.
Okay.
Oh, yeah.
What?
Hello, everyone.
Woo!
- Thank you. - What is up, baby girl?
- Jack. - What? You think I wrote that?
But did you cast her?
She's the only one that answered the ad, honey.
- Craigslist. - Thank you all so much for being here.
Brett, hello. Hi, Sarah.
- And Paul. You're Paul. - Mm-hm.
Trina lets loose with a long strange laugh.
Ho-ho-ho-ho!
Whee, hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!
I know what a strange laugh is.
- Hoo-hoo-hoo! - Are you already drunk?
I am in hell.
- Lisa. - Me?
- Actor Lisa. - I'm also an actor, Jack.
- Actor Jack. - No, not actor Jack.
Everything okay?
Oh, oh, you're Paul's wife... I mean, in the play thingy. I didn't recognize...
Sorry, I get out of breath.
I didn't recognize you with all the big poofy hair,
- you were so good... - Hair.
It's hair.
- Hair. - Hair.
Hair.
- That's what I'm saying. Hair. - Moving on.
I love that part where you and Paul are sort of fooling around in the library or whatever,
and you're acting like a little mouse.
- Lamb. - Lamb.
Did I say mouse?
Lisa and Paul begin to act out the scene in question with Lisa's superior acting skills
basically carrying the scene.
Baa! Baa! Baa! Baa!
- Awoo! - Baa!
Oh, what do my eyes do they appear, a little lamby-bamby, pamby.
Little... What the fuck is this shit, man?
Yeah, what is this shit?
That's the one part I didn't write.
I'm sorry. I have a quick question?
- So, I am living with Jack. - Mm-Hm.
Okay? But I also have a thing with this Paul character, right?
- I'm just confused. - Oh, my God.
You know, that's really interesting, it's a... That's an interesting observation.
I can see how that's one interpretation of it.
- I'm sorry, Herr Direktor. - Ooh, hey.
- But could I please talk to you in our office? - Yes, darling.
Why?
Not really comfortable with the term genius.
It was done in the wrong spirit; it was mocking and I apologize.
You know, you shouldn't say you're wrong if you don't really believe it.
Quick note, all this lamby-pamby stuff, you gotta cut it.
It's too wordy. It's too weird. It's not grabbing me.
Get out.
He takes a large charcuterie plate from the fridge.
Don't do that.
Hey, you wrote it.
Anybody hungry?
Who could eat this late?
What is it?
It's a charcuterie plate.
It's so nice.
Yeah, it looks good, Jack.
Paul, get in here.
Man, I ain't eatin' that shit.
At first blush, Paul's comment seems very rude,
but Jack chooses not to respond
because he's not one to prejudge another human.
Instead, he treats each individual with dignity and respect.
Why not?
I'm just really conscious of my fat intake right now.
I'm shooting a Reebok CrossFit's commercial next month.
Oh, you booked that?
Oh, yeah, man, it's going to be National.
- Wow. Paul, that's amazing! - Mmm.
I know, right.
I gotta keep my abs.
Like you ever need to worry.
Plus, I'm pretty much totally vegan right now, so...
- CrossFit and vegan. - Yeah.
Do you also rescue puppies from animal shelters in your spare time?
Fuck that commercial, I need a drink.
This is good. Escalating conflict.
Let's stir the pot.
I really feel like I should have my shirt off.
- Yes! - Yes, please.
- Oh, my God! Yes. - You don't have to...
- what is the matter with you? - Oh, my God.
That's how I know you.
I knew what I know and I knew it. I knew I know you.
The Wolfgang audition, you auditioned for that, right?
Oh, wow.
Yes, I did, okay.
Did you book that part?
I did.
Congratulations, I mean, that is... That's huge.
So, you auditioned for that, too?
Yeah, I did.
- Kind of went for like a Germany accent like this. - Mm-hm.
Oh, Mr. Mozart! You were so naughty,
I'm going to spank you on your calduffin puffin" something like that, I don't know.
- I hate this industry. - Moving on.
I bleed for my craft and what do I get? I get experimental crap.
- Hey. - Nothing's even happening. Where's the action?
Well, it certainly is an amazing play.
All of Shipley's plays actually; Wolfgang, the...
The Equestrian, he was a real success.
That's interesting, Brett.
It seems like he's a writer beyond reproach.
Anyone who criticizes his work must be a total idiot.
On the contrary, even the great play Wolfgang
received some definitely mixed reviews when it premiered in London.
Well, that's... That's very interesting.
Isn't it though?
Whoa, whoa, hold on. We didn't talk about any of this the first night.
Well, this is when I lost the human Dictaphone
and I was doing the best that I could.
- Actor Jack. - Well, now I just don't know what to think.
Shipley is pretty good but I represent some real great writers, too.
- Like you, Jack. - Are you watering this shit down?
Uh, wait. So, you're a writer?
A great writer.
I am sorry, can I take that again?
A great writer. A great writer. Great writer.
- Really, really, great... - Oh, yeah?
Well, what did you write?
The Dead Doth Trot the Hills at Night.
Oh, my God, I love that movie.
Is... Is that a real movie?
It's a great movie.
So, you wrote that?
Truly one of the most talented of all the writers ever.
- Okay, that's enough. - Yes, he did.
I was in it.
That is how we met.
Wow, I didn't realize I'd be auditioning for such talent.
Uh, Trina stares adoringly at her idol.
- Hey, Lisa. - Yeah?
Uh, tell me more about your experience in that movie.
Were you in any big dramatic scenes?
Do you remember the sequence at the pharmacy at the climax of act two?
Oh, my God! Yes, I love that part.
That was me.
Brett interjects with a show of support.
Sarah, you should see that movie.
Why should I?
Is the anecdote in stock?
- Oh, great! - So much tension.
So, we rush inside then the posse appears, they chase us
and they begin blasting away, boom, boom, boom, boom.
And then, I take my stance.
My shirt is bloody.
I rip it open.
Huh. Do we not share a human community?
Um, you actually wrote that?
A common humanity.
And then the priest blows her head off with the rocket launcher, like, boom.
Okay, everybody, stop laughing.
It's okay, Brett.
Well, it's not okay. Doth Trot is a great script.
Yeah, it is a great script.
- No, it's a horrible script. - Great script.
- - Great script. - Yeah, let's just admit that it was total shit.
I'm a little unclear. Is my character an idiot?
- Yes, he is. - No, he's not. - Yes, I am.
I don't like watching movies.
- Okay, because you're such an adult. - Yeah.
Oh, a big fancy office, you dry clean your clothes.
- Brett... - Well, you know what?
I would dry clean my clothes, too,
but I happen to be concerned about a little something called the environment.
Look at me, Sarah.
Look at me, googly eyes.
- Just... Look at me! - Oh, my God! Oh! Oh!
- What happened to us? - Oh, God!
- What happened to us, Sarah! - Let's stop.
Yeah, man, this play sucks dick.
No, no, Jack.
We cannot let it end like this. Are you kidding?
It's over.
No, it's not. It's not over.
Actor Jack, come on.
Well, we're not here to talk about me, this is Lisa's night,
- we're here to talk about Lisa. - Yeah, I'll talk to you.
Sarah and I really enjoyed your wonderful performance, Lisa.
- I'll talk to you later, babe. - Right, Sarah?
I loved it.
Uh, Jack... Jack lifts the glass to toast Lisa with effortless eloquence.
She walks in beauty like the night of cloudless climes and starry skies
And all that's best of dark and bright, meet in her aspect and her eyes.
Oh, are we serious?
I was surprised myself, but Sarah remembered it verbatim.
More than that, Jack. Lisa, you were the bomb.
Jack underselling your shit.
- Yeah, well, thank you, Paul. - Uh.
- Yeah, there's some definite heat going on right now. - I know.
Heat right here too, baby.
So how did you and Trina meet, Paul?
At a gym because what I care about most in my life is my abs and my glutes.
Okay, I never said that.
I'm not a writer.
I'm a joke.
Everybody flirts, everybody wants to bone all the time.
Okay, wait, is that like sort of the message of this play?
Because I'm just feeling like my character really wants to connect with the kid over here.
- Oh, you felt that, too? - Yeah, 100%.
I knew it, it's obvious.
- I should kick your ass. - I'm standing right here.
- You a dick, Brett. - I have a dick, Paul.
Hey, hey, listen, we all have dicks alright.
Paul, you just shush your mouth.
And Brett, here, have a bit of shush.
There you go.
- You like that, don't you? - Mm-hm.
- Give it a rest, Paul. - Alright, Paul.
- Alright, Brett. - Alright, Paul.
- Alright, Brett. - Paul.
- Wait, okay. I'm sorry. - Alright, Paul.
Actor Trina begins to dance seductively.
- Oh, you gotta be fucking kidding me. - I'll... I'll dance.
You should've learned a trade, Jack.
Hey, hold on a damn minute.
Is there something I should know here?
I didn't do anything wrong.
Yeah, right. What about the date?
What?
Be honest, Lisa.
Um...
Yes, Paul and I went out once.
Oh, yeah. I saw that coming.
- Yeah, that's not bad. - It wouldn't be obviously.
I got that.
- I mean, the energy... - I didn't see that coming.
Everything's over. It's over.
No. No.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
No. No.
No, it is not over because it was one time, a long time ago and nothing happened.
Why didn't you tell me?
I didn't tell you because I didn't want to argue about nothing.
- Nothing? - Nothing.
Nothing happened because honestly, no offense, Paul,
but I found Paul to be so...
- Oh, fuck! - A sock puppet?
- Is this a part of the play? - Sock puppets are cute. You're cute.
- A sock puppet? - Did you run here?
- Damn! - Get off the sofa.
You know we're not gonna hurt each other tonight.
Get him. Get him.
Kick his ass.
Hey, hey. Okay.
They're crazy.
Paul, you're telling me nothing happened?
Come on, I know you're unhappy.
Unhappy?
I'm not unhappy.
- Ah! - Quit your job.
- Quit my job? - Yeah.
- That's easy for you to say. I'm not you. - Okay, okay.
To be honest with you, I usually prefer a little bit more, uh, uptown.
Strike me down, Constanze.
- No. - I'm cutting all the Constanze-banza stuff, okay?
Hey, we could do it. Okay? We'll make it work.
We'll sell the house. We'll sell the cars.
We'll leave this industry entirely.
- What? - Yes.
And you know what else?
Let's have a family, yeah.
Brett?
Don't you want two hummingbirds?
I can't just quit.
Numnum wants to.
Let's get naked and make a baby right away.
- Oh! - God!
- Oh, watch it, man. - Yeah, fuck. Yeah, fuck, yeah.
Okay, what's really going on here?
Is this some sort of weird gross like casting couch orgy or something?
I'm all for it, but everyone needs to know I have herpes.
Oh, she's really going for it.
Alright. We are so sorry, everyone.
We had an argument.
And we are...
...trying to work through some emotions.
So that's why we're here.
Who's your daddy?
Oh, yeah.
Bottom of page 27, everybody with me.
What a bunch of crypto-fascist patriarchal dick-measuring.
- Why am I even here? - To help me get an agent, Paul.
Yeah, I know I agreed to help, but it's not gonna happen with Brett.
You know, I've hit a real skit lately. Oh.
You mean you can't help me find an agent?
This is a really tough time in the industry right now.
- Brett! - I need a drink.
- Trina, no more drinking. - Okay, I'm so sorry, everyone. You may go.
You take that back, we're not done.
Dude, it's over. It's a failure. Goodbye.
Oh, my God! I cannot believe I traveled all the way across town
- to play Sambo in this insipid tripe. - Jack.
I played Othello, at the National Theatre and a regional tour
and a limited Broadway run for fuck's sake.
What the fuck, Jack?
What do you want from me? Now he's not black enough?
Is it... Is it not too much to ask, you know, for a sliver...
Actually no, like a modicum of professionalism
even when playing a one-dimensional creep?
One-dimensional?
Okay.
Well, does this look one-dimensional to you, bro?
Three-percent body fat.
So, he gets to take his shirt off.
Thou art like one of those fellows that when we walks to the confines of a tavern,
claps me his sword upon the table and says, "God send me no need of thee!"
and by the operation of the second cup, draws it upon the drawer,
when, indeed, there is no need.
Take me with you.
I thought I would die here, but I'm free.
I'm finally free.
Woo! What a ride, what a journey, what an arc.
I'll miss you the most, scarecrow.
Okay.
We're gonna go have sex.
Call me.
I'm just gonna leave a couple of headshots, you never know.
Hey, uh, looks like you got your body fat index under control.
- Oh, you think so? - Oh, yeah.
My folks are gonna be really disappointed, this isn't a real play, so...
- Oh. - Oh, buddy.
Hey, kid, you keep it.
Gee! Thanks, guys.
You earned it.
Sweet.
I'm like definitely blogging about this.
God!
Wait, where are you amateurs going?
The play is not over.
- What? - What the fuck?
Lisa bottom of page 27.
Beep, beep, beep. The stove timer goes off in the kitchen.
I'm just gonna, ah...
- Where are you going? - The show must go on.
Oh, Christ.
Okay, what are you doing?
- I'm gonna finish this play. - Put... Put it down.
- Let go of me. - Okay, it's over, it's over.
- I made a pie. - Stop it.
I made a pie.
Stop fucking acting.
I made a pie.
Yeah, I can't eat that.
Are we done now?
I don't even remember what we were arguing about.
About whether something I said was a bad joke.
About whether someone asked me on a date years ago.
What does it matter?
- It doesn't matter. - Then why, why are we here?
I don't want to be Salieri.
I want to be Mozart, at least to you.
But you are, Jack, and you always have been.
I made a pie.
This is hot, Jack.
We're cooking it.
I'm sorry, Lisa.
I'm sorry, too.
One more thing.
What are you doing?
- Just one second. Where did I hide it? - Jack.
Woo! Hey, Jack!
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