As you all know, I don't have kids --
That we know of.
Pbht!
But we can all agree that kids are fantastic.
[ door opens ] look, there's one now!
Hey, evie!
What's that in your hand?
The box you just gave me.
Uh-huh. What's in it?
A...Tax planner toby?
Oh, can I play?!
He comes with his own spreadsheets
And a booklet on tax dodges!
Neat! [ chuckles ]
Lemme look at that.
Introducing our new toy line!
Sebben & sebben:
We do kids!
Something you'd like to share with the class, brad?
Uh, no, I was just asking why kids isn't spelled with a "z."
Leave.
This is bullshit!
We have been trying to break into the kid market for years.
Tiny clothes, deep pockets.
And incredibly easy to exploit.
Glad we could be of help.
Besides toby, there's measure me miles,
A measuring stick that comes in three fun colors
Which are all...
The same.
And my little kidney kleaner,
A play dialysis machine
With a dolly whose "wet" function is...
[ doll cries ] ...Broken.
Hey, what say we get someone who had
A happy childhood to oversee the toy line?
Anyone?
[ clears throat ]
Oh, my god. You don't think
I know a fun toy when I see one.
I'll have you know I had a goddamn great childhood
With [bleep] awesome toys!
I'll show you.
I'll show all of you! [ doll cries ]
♪ hey! ♪ [ rapping ] ♪ oh, my god, oh, my god, oh, my god ♪
[ rapping ] ♪ who's the girl that saves the world? ♪
♪ hey! ♪
[ rapping ] ♪ oh, my god, oh, my god, oh, my god ♪
[ imitating fanfare ] birdgirl!
Uh, six inches sharp.
[ door opens ]
[ grunts ] got it, got it, got it.
[ gasps ] here it is.
What exactly is that?
Oh, sweet jesus!
Judy: Don't move!
[ thinking ] don't move, she says.
Ben's always an option if I'm hard up, but it's like
Can I deal with the talking afterwards?
Guys! I found it!
What...Is that?
My wanky!
It's so fun!
And just like that, she's lost it.
This puppy and I were best friends when I was a kid.
Trapdoor!
Spaghetti dinner!
[ laughter ] what?
I mean...
You know what that looks like.
Yes. A super fun toy that I love.
Judy. Come on.
It looks like a vintage schlong.
From the perv ages.
You know what, with the right branding,
This could take the adult toy market by storm.
Make billions.
Retire early. Buy boats.
[ demon voice ] the wanky is for children!
Jude, masturbation is --
[ normal voice ] freddie prinze jr, freddie prinze jr,
Freddie prinze jr. Look, at some point,
We really need to unpack your sexual repression,
But thankfully, I have a conference call.
Right now? Can you push it five?
Why? I have a flashback planned.
Yes, love a flashback.
Hold on, I'm texting donna to push the call.
Donna pushing a call? [ laughs ]
Hurry!
Hold your squirt.
Bwee-oop!
When my dad was in town for fisc-que --
Pagan festival at the start of every fiscal quarter.
Ah. ...He used to take me to this magical little toy shop
Across town run by this adorable elderly man
With an indeterminate european accent.
[ young judy laughs ]
My dad saw how much I treasured it, because one day...
Young judy: Daddy, you remembered christmas!
Est-ce vraiment possible?
Mon branleur et moi.
Qui a besoin d'amis ou de famille?
Quand tu as un branleur comme moi!
Ooohh, things are about to get sexy!
I wonder if that store's still there?
Holy shit, it is!
[ horn honks, tires screech ]
[ crash, car alarm blares ]
I got a clam.
You got a clam?
Man: Call 911!
Mr. Claude?
[bleep]
You hookers can't keep
Coming in here to use my toilet!
You're right -- adorable.
You know, I'd sit over there for hours playing
With this sweet malnourished peasant boy.
Oh, yes, devon.
My son.
[ gunshot ] [bleep]
Doing 7 to 10 upstate.
That's great.
Mr. Claude, look what I found!
Ach, that thing ruined my life!
Get it away!
I used to love watching you tobble.
When you were done, you'd sprinkle
A little magic dust over the toy
Which meant it was ready for its new home.
Not dust, the salt from tears,
Which turned sadness to goddamned joy.
Mr. Claude, I have an idea.
Which she hasn't run past us. Judy, no!
We're going to re-release the wanky!
Danke, no. No, my tobbling days are over.
After the superstore opened,
No one wanted handmade toys anymore.
Oooh, that one slipped by me.
Man knew how to use a "z."
Oh! I know what you're thinking.
What does this bimbo know about tobbling,
What with her gender-neutral shoes and taste
For expensive infused waters?
But listen here, when I set my mind to help someone,
I help 'em.
Even if they're begging me to stop.
That's the judy guarantee.
Ah, christ, the judy guarantee.
Achtzig/zwanzig split, full ownership of ip.
Deal!
Are we still in the flashback?
Then mr. Claude gave up his passion for reasons
I feel a fair amount of familial responsibility for,
And I have given him the judy guarantee.
-Ugh! -Uch, the judy guarantee?
Really? Can she guarantee
Everyone gets a goddamn chair?
So, against two people's better judgement,
I'm building him a workshop downstairs.
Who's in?
[ laughs ] how do you even hold this?
My hands are asleep.
Ah, it looks like a little dicky.
Spitballing here, but maybe we zhoosh it up a bit
For modern kids?
You wanna sell that to kids?
It looks like my mom's --
Skeet ulrich!
This seems like a great time
To take some pto.
Byeeeee!
If we're actually gonna do this,
I suppose charlie and I
Could handle the wanky redesign and marketing.
I suppose we could.
I understand that as a ceo,
You have to be very careful
What you say, but I hear you.
And it's time others did, too.
I am on it.
Let go of my pinky, paul.
Whadya say we have a little girls' lunch?
Is this the lunch I've been ducking for 14 years?
We'll talk redesign over some hot apps.
You like hot apps, don't you, pretty girl?
Lukewarm. [ clears throat ] jude,
We're a little worried all the childhood nostalgia
Is causing you to...
Regress.
Do you take time for yourself?
I mean not necessarily with the wanky,
Although it is the perfectly designed --
Crab cakes! Stop doing that.
Enjoying crab cakes? I'll never stop doing that,
And that's a goddamn promise.
Listen, I don't know why you guys
Are so obsessed with this, but if you must know,
I've had buckets of orgasms.
Pbht! Of course,
Like all high-powered business women,
"me time" can slip through the cracks.
That's why I have gillian schedule it as "wash hair."
You schedule getting off?
Five minutes?!
Two. The last three I wash my hair.
Look, I'm comfortable with my [whispers] sexuality.
[ normal voice ] I just don't shout about it.
Plus, after 90 seconds, I get sweaty.
Look, we just want you to be open to the possibility
That the wanky might be more than just a childhood toy.
And that's a beautiful thing.
Oh, I used to grind on my furby like there was no tomorrow.
I'll have the scallops,
And we weren't talking about masturbation.
I would like to welcome you all to paul's 100%
Company-sanctioned sexuality in the workplace seminar.
And brian's. A short time ago,
Our brave leader took my hand and said,
"paul, go forth and declare that seabben & seabben --
Sebben. Sure.
..."is a sex-positive workplace."
Therefore, on she/her/hers behalf,
Let us acknowledge we're humans
With sexual needs that don't stop at the security desk.
This is a trick!
Sit down!
Okay, now, before we begin
This day-long immersive experience,
Let's pick out where we fall on the sexuality spectrum.
Does anyone know what autosexual means?
Yeah, is lunch provided?
Go [bleep] yourself, josh.
Literally.
Autosexual is an individual
Who prefers masturbation over sexual intercourse.
Does anyone identify with that term?
Down. Come on.
Saturday when the wife's at the craft store,
You're doin' a little slobby nobby?
Okay, took the ride, got the sticker.
Not me. Just a vanilla hetero-dude.
You know what, it's okay if you don't know where you fall
On the sexuality spectrum just yet.
That's what today is for, people.
Down.
Now, follow me
And make sure to stay with your designated buddy.
You might have a future.
Next stop, the computer everyone uses
To download porn.
Your new state-of-the-art toy workshop!
Eat shit, santa.
If you hate it, we can burn it to the ground
And start again.
I can't make toys here.
There's no magic.
Oh, no?
One bottle of magic dust...
Or I hope it is. It wasn't labeled.
You reached it!
It's literally four feet up.
But I think the magic might be gone.
We'll just make more magic.
Owie! Tears from an innocent!
[ grunts ] sorry!
I was on the varsity judo team.
You've always been pure of heart, judy.
That's why you understand the true spirit
Of the wankenschtuber.
♪♪
Judy: [ echoing ] owie!
This is for you, maude.
[ gasps ] he names each one.
And your name is penelope.
[ cellphone chimes ]
Charlie: Wanky buzz is off the charts.
Our pop-ups in tokyo,
Berlin, and melbourne have
Already run out of the product.
"mel-bun." somebody's been to australia.
I can't thank you guys enough.
Now every child can experience the joy
The wanky brought me.
Look at all the people here to experience
Your magic, mr. Claude!
Ja, it's all for the children, judy.
Whores! There's a toilet in across the street!
Adorable.
All the time we spent together, you're like a...
Surrogate dad to me.
And maybe I'm a little like the child you never had?
Has a son. Third time.
[ grunts ]
Wanky dropping in five, four...
Three, two...
One!
[ crowd murmuring ]
[ wankys vibrating ]
Charlie: Pssst, hey you.
Yeah you.
Come here.
Are you overworked and under-sexed?
Why not take a "break?"
The wanky.
Euro engineering, expertly designed
To fit the contours of your body.
Mmm!
Use offer code -- judy123
For an extra spicy surprise in your box.
The wanky by sebben & sebben.
Ages 18 plus.
Shh.
Noooooo!
The surprise is a fedora.
Thing heavily ] noooooo!
[ thinking ] not today, death.
You'll have me, but not on this day.
Work the problem, gill. You need to eat,
But your boss said don't move.
God wants you to eat.
Focus.
Harness the power of your mind.
[ grunting ]
And here we have the vending machine I call tom,
Where a shapely bottle of fanta gave me a quarter stiffy
That never quite made semi, so I'm gonna add
An objectumsexual sticker to my sash.
Bam!
Um, I really like
Those little peanut butter cracker sandwiches.
Like, a lot.
A lot, a lot.
There's no sticker for what you have, sharon.
Am I pansexual or polysexual?
Ah, that's a great question, denise.
As it was when you asked it 10 minutes ago.
Okay, poly comin' and goin'.
Get up here!
Hey, brian?
Are there any feelings coming up for you?
Any feelings at all?
I'd have to go with the protein bar.
That's a replenishing snack
After I make missionary-style love to a woman.
Oh, god, that's gross.
I'm so sorry about what these deviants
Have done to your beautiful toy!
Don't apologize.
It was all part of my decades-long,
Unnecessarily complicated plan.
Hey, guys, back from pt-- oh!
Yeah, I'm just gonna hang out in judy's office.
Ah, I'm nekkid!
Mr. Claude!
People of loose morals and orifices,
Let me tell you a tale.
Many years ago,
I came downstairs to the shop floor
To find a small ginger girl playing with my son.
Then I heard strange noises coming from the back.
So I went to see what the rumpus was.
My wife, maude, betrayed me in the worst possible way.
But then I thought, "eh, [bleep] 'em,"
And I used my magic to curse maude,
Suck her ass into the wanky and imprison her for eternity!
Then, I anonymously sent the toy to phil to curse him,
Knowing that that manslapper would use it
And suck himself in, too.
But little judy found it first, and she played with it
That the way that I originally intended.
When judy offered to make more wankys,
I used her to rid the world of perverts like mine frau.
And if you've corrupted the wanky,
You will be sucked in for eternity
To rot for your goddamned sins!
And the dust from your tears will imprison this lot forever!
[ laughs ] sucker!
[ wankys vibrating ]
Shh.
Birdteam? Go!
I am a technosexual. It makes perfect sense.
Thank you, judy, for allowing me to see myself as I truly am!
Well, look at this.
Everyone's got at least one sticker.
Beautiful. Except brian.
Is it possible, everyone, that his reliance on masculinity
Has something to do with his father?
Daddy's on a business trip, bri.
It's just us now.
[ shushing ] easy. Easy.
Don't scare him.
♪♪
[ heart beating ]
♪♪
[ heartbeat stops ]
[ beeps ]
Thank you for guiding me on this journey.
Thank you!
Bravest person I've ever met.
Oh, jack off, josh.
Mark my curse, ere it seals thy fate.
Use this nevermore to masturba--
[ static, indistinct voices ]
Trish: News happens.
And this is the "syliva situation."
The global devastation continues as more people vanish
Into thin air.
Some have drawn connections to a new adult toy
That just hit the market.
The birdteam is roaming far and wide
Desperately trying to prevent the people of planet earth
From masturbating.
With the latest on the wanky, we go to diana van vleet.
Diana?
[ moans ]
Ad lib. Oh. [ chuckles ]
[ elevator dings ]
It's a ghost town in here.
A sexy ghost town.
Judy: Landing in three, two --
Oh, right, this window doesn't open.
We just released the damn thing an hour ago.
Where do people find the time!
See? Look around you.
Self-pleasure is part of a healthy work-life balance.
Somebody feed my beta fish!
[ glass shatters ]
Careful.
Don't [bleep] it up, gil.
We're at the end here. Final stretch.
I could do this.
Oh, tut, tut, fraulein, you'll do better to know
Who you're [bleep] mit.
Your accent, it's interesting.
Westphalian?
Upper saxon?
Or...Neither!
Haha, 'cause you're not really german, are you?
I know that because my first boyfriend was a pretend german!
Take that, and that! Seven, eight!
Okay, fine, I'm austrian!
I'm austrian!
Gillian's gone carrie again.
Did I do good, boss?
I didn't mean "don't move!"
Oh, you're so bad at idioms!
Wait! How did you --
If you didn't move?
I sat on it...
[ laughs ]
[ people gasping, screaming ]
Tell me how to break the curse. No!
It's the least you can do since you betrayed me.
Say it's a sex toy!
Say you stole my childhood!
Nein! I would say never,
But there's no word in german for it!
Uch, you're like a -- a hairy body pillow.
Evie: I found a way to break the curse.
I'm listening.
So the wanky came with instructions.
You kept the box?
It's a collectible.
"only a fair woman in her jesus year
With ginger hair who's had a handful of
Mild and mostly accidental orgasms
Can break the curse."
[ clears throat ] in terms of my orgasms,
I will admit most of them have been mild and mostly...
Accidental. Oh, sweetie. Mostly?
Okay, all of them! I'll bite,
How does she break the curse?
She needs to f-- play with her wanky.
The way god intended.
Don't listen to them, judy.
Don't let them suck you into their pool of cess.
It's a toy
Only you understand that.
Judy: There has to be another way.
We need a place abandoned by humanity
Where there's no chance she'll be disturbed.
Ho-ho, I know where I go to flack the flep.
Whores! [ siren wails ]
You, with the chimp nipples!
Everyone, everyone, judy ken sebben,
Our sexual spirit leader!
Asexual!
Keep it in your pants, denise.
Or... We do it in judy's office.
Hey, gang! Judy's gonna wank
And needs your support! Come on!
Follow me, you're fired.
Look, lets dig up those instructions.
I'm sure there's another alternative.
Judy, it has to be this way.
One wank to save us all.
Unh-unh, this is a mission for judy.
Birdgirl's a different party.
Evie: A woman in her jesus year.
[ sultry jazz plays ]
This is all for me?
Mostly.
We don't have much time.
Uh, next time one of you says you're "really busy"?
Let's leave you to it, shall we?
[ plate shatters ]
Please, god, tell me he didn't use this one.
[ wanky buzzing ]
Aah! Who are you?
I'm devon, claude's son.
Now let's say we wank together.
Just one more time.
It's a one-person game.
Not the way I play it.
[ grunts ] yep, there you go.
Oops. Did -- did you just...
Sure did! Curse is broken!
Want to get into this seafood tower?
Otherwise, I could really use the time
To finish up some correspondence.
Way behind on e-mails.
I call next.
[ grunting ]
The buzzing.
It's too strong. I-I can't.
No, but we can.
[ singing in french ]
♪♪
[ groans ]
Skeet ulrich!
[ people murmuring ]
[ elevator dings ]
[ applause ] [ laughs ]
Fooled around and saved the world.
Jude, you did it!
[ wanky vibrates ]
I've come to spread the good news.
Who is that?
Wait, is that?
Maude? Claude's wife?
The curse is broken.
Wait, wait, don't go!
Oh, spectrosexual!
Turned on by sexy ghosts!
We need a flag for that!
[ trumpet playing ]
World? ♪
Hey! Birdgirl!
♪ wings of fire, unique like pearls ♪
Hey! Birdgirl!
♪ who's the one they can't defeat? ♪
Hey! Birdgirl!
♪ ultra fierce, and it's all you need ♪
Hey! Birdgirl!
Hey! [ imitating fanfare ]
Birdgirl!
Made in georgia.