1
00:00:01,468 --> 00:00:03,535
As you all know,
I don't have kids --
2
00:00:03,537 --> 00:00:05,403
That we know of.
3
00:00:05,405 --> 00:00:06,471
Pbht!
4
00:00:06,473 --> 00:00:09,207
But we can all agree
that kids are fantastic.
5
00:00:09,209 --> 00:00:11,143
[ door opens ]
look, there's one now!
6
00:00:11,145 --> 00:00:12,010
Hey, evie!
7
00:00:12,012 --> 00:00:13,678
What's that in your hand?
8
00:00:13,680 --> 00:00:15,814
The box you just gave me.
9
00:00:15,816 --> 00:00:16,881
Uh-huh. What's in it?
10
00:00:16,883 --> 00:00:19,751
A...Tax planner toby?
11
00:00:19,753 --> 00:00:21,420
Oh, can I play?!
12
00:00:21,422 --> 00:00:23,021
He comes with
his own spreadsheets
13
00:00:23,023 --> 00:00:25,357
And a booklet on tax dodges!
14
00:00:25,359 --> 00:00:26,491
Neat!
[ chuckles ]
15
00:00:26,493 --> 00:00:28,893
Lemme look at that.
16
00:00:28,895 --> 00:00:31,296
Introducing
our new toy line!
17
00:00:31,298 --> 00:00:32,497
Sebben & sebben:
18
00:00:32,499 --> 00:00:34,098
We do kids!
19
00:00:34,100 --> 00:00:35,900
Something you'd like to share
with the class, brad?
20
00:00:35,902 --> 00:00:40,105
Uh, no, I was just asking why
kids isn't spelled with a "z."
21
00:00:40,107 --> 00:00:40,973
Leave.
22
00:00:40,975 --> 00:00:42,841
This is bullshit!
23
00:00:42,843 --> 00:00:45,844
We have been trying to break
into the kid market for years.
24
00:00:45,846 --> 00:00:47,179
Tiny clothes,
deep pockets.
25
00:00:47,181 --> 00:00:49,914
And incredibly easy
to exploit.
26
00:00:49,916 --> 00:00:51,249
Glad we could be of help.
27
00:00:51,251 --> 00:00:53,185
Besides toby,
there's measure me miles,
28
00:00:53,187 --> 00:00:55,520
A measuring stick that comes
in three fun colors
29
00:00:55,522 --> 00:00:56,655
Which are all...
30
00:00:56,657 --> 00:00:57,990
The same.
31
00:00:57,992 --> 00:01:00,192
And my little
kidney kleaner,
32
00:01:00,194 --> 00:01:02,126
A play dialysis machine
33
00:01:02,128 --> 00:01:05,263
With a dolly
whose "wet" function is...
34
00:01:05,265 --> 00:01:06,398
[ doll cries ]
...Broken.
35
00:01:06,400 --> 00:01:08,066
Hey, what say
we get someone who had
36
00:01:08,068 --> 00:01:11,804
A happy childhood
to oversee the toy line?
37
00:01:11,806 --> 00:01:13,405
Anyone?
38
00:01:13,407 --> 00:01:15,407
[ clears throat ]
39
00:01:15,409 --> 00:01:16,941
Oh, my god.
You don't think
40
00:01:16,943 --> 00:01:19,011
I know a fun toy
when I see one.
41
00:01:19,013 --> 00:01:22,014
I'll have you know I had
a goddamn great childhood
42
00:01:22,016 --> 00:01:24,148
With [bleep] awesome toys!
43
00:01:24,150 --> 00:01:25,350
I'll show you.
44
00:01:25,352 --> 00:01:27,419
I'll show all of you!
[ doll cries ]
45
00:01:27,421 --> 00:01:29,354
♪ hey! ♪
[ rapping ] ♪ oh, my god,
oh, my god, oh, my god ♪
46
00:01:29,356 --> 00:01:30,823
[ rapping ] ♪ who's the girl
that saves the world? ♪
47
00:01:30,825 --> 00:01:32,357
♪ hey! ♪
48
00:01:32,359 --> 00:01:33,758
[ rapping ] ♪ oh, my god,
oh, my god, oh, my god ♪
49
00:01:33,760 --> 00:01:35,461
[ imitating fanfare ] birdgirl!
50
00:01:37,964 --> 00:01:40,232
Uh, six inches sharp.
51
00:01:40,234 --> 00:01:41,500
[ door opens ]
52
00:01:41,502 --> 00:01:43,902
[ grunts ]
got it, got it, got it.
53
00:01:43,904 --> 00:01:47,439
[ gasps ]
here it is.
54
00:01:47,441 --> 00:01:50,175
What exactly is that?
55
00:01:50,177 --> 00:01:51,776
Oh, sweet jesus!
56
00:01:51,778 --> 00:01:53,978
Judy: Don't move!
57
00:01:53,980 --> 00:01:56,248
[ thinking ]
don't move, she says.
58
00:01:57,251 --> 00:02:00,318
Ben's always an option
if I'm hard up, but it's like
59
00:02:00,320 --> 00:02:02,921
Can I deal
with the talking afterwards?
60
00:02:02,923 --> 00:02:04,857
Guys!
I found it!
61
00:02:04,859 --> 00:02:06,591
What...Is that?
62
00:02:06,593 --> 00:02:09,794
My wanky!
63
00:02:09,796 --> 00:02:11,530
It's so fun!
64
00:02:11,532 --> 00:02:14,399
And just like that,
she's lost it.
65
00:02:14,401 --> 00:02:17,669
This puppy and I were best
friends when I was a kid.
66
00:02:17,671 --> 00:02:19,538
Trapdoor!
67
00:02:19,540 --> 00:02:20,873
Spaghetti dinner!
68
00:02:20,875 --> 00:02:22,407
[ laughter ]
what?
69
00:02:22,409 --> 00:02:23,475
I mean...
70
00:02:23,477 --> 00:02:25,810
You know
what that looks like.
71
00:02:25,812 --> 00:02:28,280
Yes.
A super fun toy that I love.
72
00:02:28,282 --> 00:02:29,882
Judy. Come on.
73
00:02:29,884 --> 00:02:32,484
It looks like
a vintage schlong.
74
00:02:32,486 --> 00:02:34,286
From the perv ages.
75
00:02:34,288 --> 00:02:36,288
You know what,
with the right branding,
76
00:02:36,290 --> 00:02:38,757
This could take the adult
toy market by storm.
77
00:02:38,759 --> 00:02:39,892
Make billions.
78
00:02:39,894 --> 00:02:41,626
Retire early.
Buy boats.
79
00:02:41,628 --> 00:02:45,163
[ demon voice ]
the wanky is for children!
80
00:02:45,165 --> 00:02:47,766
Jude, masturbation is --
81
00:02:47,768 --> 00:02:49,367
[ normal voice ]
freddie prinze jr,
freddie prinze jr,
82
00:02:49,369 --> 00:02:51,703
Freddie prinze jr.
Look, at some point,
83
00:02:51,705 --> 00:02:54,639
We really need to unpack
your sexual repression,
84
00:02:54,641 --> 00:02:57,842
But thankfully,
I have a conference call.
85
00:02:57,844 --> 00:02:59,511
Right now?
Can you push it five?
86
00:02:59,513 --> 00:03:01,646
Why?
I have a flashback planned.
87
00:03:01,648 --> 00:03:03,515
Yes, love a flashback.
88
00:03:03,517 --> 00:03:06,719
Hold on, I'm texting
donna to push the call.
89
00:03:06,721 --> 00:03:11,990
Donna pushing a call?
[ laughs ]
90
00:03:11,992 --> 00:03:13,057
Hurry!
91
00:03:13,059 --> 00:03:14,392
Hold your squirt.
92
00:03:14,394 --> 00:03:15,527
Bwee-oop!
93
00:03:15,529 --> 00:03:17,596
When my dad was in town
for fisc-que --
94
00:03:17,598 --> 00:03:20,332
Pagan festival at the start
of every fiscal quarter.
95
00:03:20,334 --> 00:03:24,068
Ah.
...He used to take me to this
magical little toy shop
96
00:03:24,070 --> 00:03:27,005
Across town
run by this adorable elderly man
97
00:03:27,007 --> 00:03:29,942
With an indeterminate
european accent.
98
00:03:29,944 --> 00:03:31,476
[ young judy laughs ]
99
00:03:31,478 --> 00:03:34,412
My dad saw how much I treasured
it, because one day...
100
00:03:34,414 --> 00:03:38,951
Young judy: Daddy,
you remembered christmas!
101
00:03:38,953 --> 00:03:40,885
Est-ce vraiment possible?
102
00:03:40,887 --> 00:03:42,821
Mon branleur et moi.
103
00:03:42,823 --> 00:03:47,092
Qui a besoin
d'amis ou de famille?
104
00:03:47,094 --> 00:03:50,429
Quand tu as un branleur
comme moi!
105
00:03:50,431 --> 00:03:53,298
Ooohh, things are about
to get sexy!
106
00:03:53,300 --> 00:03:56,368
I wonder if that store's
still there?
107
00:03:56,370 --> 00:03:57,436
Holy shit, it is!
108
00:03:57,438 --> 00:03:58,771
[ horn honks, tires screech ]
109
00:03:58,773 --> 00:04:01,105
[ crash, car alarm blares ]
110
00:04:01,107 --> 00:04:02,574
I got a clam.
111
00:04:02,576 --> 00:04:04,109
You got a clam?
112
00:04:04,111 --> 00:04:06,145
Man: Call 911!
113
00:04:09,784 --> 00:04:11,784
Mr. Claude?
114
00:04:11,786 --> 00:04:13,718
[bleep]
115
00:04:13,720 --> 00:04:15,253
You hookers can't keep
116
00:04:15,255 --> 00:04:17,389
Coming in here
to use my toilet!
117
00:04:17,391 --> 00:04:19,457
You're right --
adorable.
118
00:04:19,459 --> 00:04:21,660
You know, I'd sit over there
for hours playing
119
00:04:21,662 --> 00:04:24,529
With this sweet
malnourished peasant boy.
120
00:04:24,531 --> 00:04:26,465
Oh, yes, devon.
121
00:04:26,467 --> 00:04:27,732
My son.
122
00:04:27,734 --> 00:04:29,201
[ gunshot ]
[bleep]
123
00:04:29,203 --> 00:04:31,003
Doing 7 to 10 upstate.
124
00:04:31,005 --> 00:04:32,270
That's great.
125
00:04:32,272 --> 00:04:34,006
Mr. Claude,
look what I found!
126
00:04:34,008 --> 00:04:37,409
Ach, that thing
ruined my life!
127
00:04:37,411 --> 00:04:39,011
Get it away!
128
00:04:39,013 --> 00:04:40,745
I used to love
watching you tobble.
129
00:04:40,747 --> 00:04:42,414
When you were done,
you'd sprinkle
130
00:04:42,416 --> 00:04:44,616
A little magic dust
over the toy
131
00:04:44,618 --> 00:04:47,085
Which meant it was ready
for its new home.
132
00:04:47,087 --> 00:04:50,689
Not dust,
the salt from tears,
133
00:04:50,691 --> 00:04:55,894
Which turned sadness
to goddamned joy.
134
00:04:55,896 --> 00:04:58,497
Mr. Claude,
I have an idea.
135
00:04:58,499 --> 00:05:00,565
Which she hasn't
run past us.
Judy, no!
136
00:05:00,567 --> 00:05:02,501
We're going to re-release
the wanky!
137
00:05:02,503 --> 00:05:06,038
Danke, no.
No, my tobbling days are over.
138
00:05:06,040 --> 00:05:07,572
After the superstore opened,
139
00:05:07,574 --> 00:05:10,442
No one wanted
handmade toys anymore.
140
00:05:10,444 --> 00:05:12,511
Oooh, that one
slipped by me.
141
00:05:12,513 --> 00:05:14,646
Man knew how to
use a "z."
142
00:05:14,648 --> 00:05:16,248
Oh!
I know
what you're thinking.
143
00:05:16,250 --> 00:05:17,982
What does this bimbo know
about tobbling,
144
00:05:17,984 --> 00:05:20,252
What with her gender-neutral
shoes and taste
145
00:05:20,254 --> 00:05:21,786
For expensive
infused waters?
146
00:05:21,788 --> 00:05:24,589
But listen here, when I set
my mind to help someone,
147
00:05:24,591 --> 00:05:25,590
I help 'em.
148
00:05:25,592 --> 00:05:27,125
Even if they're begging me
to stop.
149
00:05:27,127 --> 00:05:28,661
That's the judy guarantee.
150
00:05:28,663 --> 00:05:32,865
Ah, christ,
the judy guarantee.
151
00:05:32,867 --> 00:05:36,601
Achtzig/zwanzig split,
full ownership of ip.
152
00:05:36,603 --> 00:05:38,270
Deal!
153
00:05:38,272 --> 00:05:41,005
Are we still in
the flashback?
154
00:05:41,007 --> 00:05:43,808
Then mr. Claude
gave up his passion for reasons
155
00:05:43,810 --> 00:05:46,344
I feel a fair amount
of familial responsibility for,
156
00:05:46,346 --> 00:05:49,081
And I have given him
the judy guarantee.
157
00:05:49,083 --> 00:05:52,016
-Ugh!
-Uch, the judy guarantee?
158
00:05:52,018 --> 00:05:53,952
Really?
Can she guarantee
159
00:05:53,954 --> 00:05:55,687
Everyone gets
a goddamn chair?
160
00:05:55,689 --> 00:05:59,023
So, against two people's
better judgement,
161
00:05:59,025 --> 00:06:01,760
I'm building him
a workshop downstairs.
162
00:06:01,762 --> 00:06:04,362
Who's in?
163
00:06:04,364 --> 00:06:06,298
[ laughs ]
how do you even hold this?
164
00:06:06,300 --> 00:06:08,701
My hands are asleep.
165
00:06:08,703 --> 00:06:11,570
Ah, it looks like
a little dicky.
166
00:06:12,773 --> 00:06:15,240
Spitballing here, but maybe
we zhoosh it up a bit
167
00:06:15,242 --> 00:06:16,374
For modern kids?
168
00:06:16,376 --> 00:06:18,977
You wanna sell that
to kids?
169
00:06:18,979 --> 00:06:20,245
It looks like my mom's --
170
00:06:20,247 --> 00:06:21,313
Skeet ulrich!
171
00:06:21,315 --> 00:06:22,781
This seems like
a great time
172
00:06:22,783 --> 00:06:24,649
To take some pto.
173
00:06:24,651 --> 00:06:26,151
Byeeeee!
174
00:06:27,521 --> 00:06:29,387
If we're actually
gonna do this,
175
00:06:29,389 --> 00:06:30,923
I suppose charlie and I
176
00:06:30,925 --> 00:06:33,325
Could handle the wanky
redesign and marketing.
177
00:06:33,327 --> 00:06:34,659
I suppose we could.
178
00:06:34,661 --> 00:06:36,861
I understand
that as a ceo,
179
00:06:36,863 --> 00:06:38,463
You have to be
very careful
180
00:06:38,465 --> 00:06:41,266
What you say,
but I hear you.
181
00:06:41,268 --> 00:06:43,668
And it's time
others did, too.
182
00:06:43,670 --> 00:06:45,270
I am on it.
183
00:06:45,272 --> 00:06:46,405
Let go of my pinky,
paul.
184
00:06:46,407 --> 00:06:48,540
Whadya say we have
a little girls' lunch?
185
00:06:48,542 --> 00:06:50,675
Is this the lunch I've been
ducking for 14 years?
186
00:06:50,677 --> 00:06:53,145
We'll talk redesign
over some hot apps.
187
00:06:53,147 --> 00:06:57,149
You like hot apps,
don't you, pretty girl?
188
00:06:58,752 --> 00:07:00,352
Lukewarm.
[ clears throat ] jude,
189
00:07:00,354 --> 00:07:03,288
We're a little worried
all the childhood nostalgia
190
00:07:03,290 --> 00:07:05,023
Is causing you to...
191
00:07:05,025 --> 00:07:06,291
Regress.
192
00:07:06,293 --> 00:07:08,761
Do you
take time for yourself?
193
00:07:08,763 --> 00:07:10,629
I mean not necessarily
with the wanky,
194
00:07:10,631 --> 00:07:12,497
Although it is
the perfectly designed --
195
00:07:12,499 --> 00:07:14,299
Crab cakes!
Stop doing that.
196
00:07:14,301 --> 00:07:16,501
Enjoying crab cakes?
I'll never stop doing that,
197
00:07:16,503 --> 00:07:17,836
And that's
a goddamn promise.
198
00:07:17,838 --> 00:07:19,304
Listen,
I don't know why you guys
199
00:07:19,306 --> 00:07:21,373
Are so obsessed with this,
but if you must know,
200
00:07:21,375 --> 00:07:24,109
I've had
buckets of orgasms.
201
00:07:24,111 --> 00:07:25,377
Pbht!
Of course,
202
00:07:25,379 --> 00:07:27,512
Like all high-powered
business women,
203
00:07:27,514 --> 00:07:29,047
"me time"
can slip through the cracks.
204
00:07:29,049 --> 00:07:32,250
That's why I have gillian
schedule it as "wash hair."
205
00:07:32,252 --> 00:07:33,786
You schedule getting off?
206
00:07:33,788 --> 00:07:35,119
Five minutes?!
207
00:07:35,121 --> 00:07:37,522
Two.
The last three I wash my hair.
208
00:07:37,524 --> 00:07:41,460
Look, I'm comfortable
with my [whispers] sexuality.
209
00:07:41,462 --> 00:07:43,328
[ normal voice ]
I just don't shout about it.
210
00:07:43,330 --> 00:07:45,864
Plus, after 90 seconds,
I get sweaty.
211
00:07:45,866 --> 00:07:49,334
Look, we just want you to be
open to the possibility
212
00:07:49,336 --> 00:07:54,206
That the wanky might be
more than just a childhood toy.
213
00:07:54,208 --> 00:07:56,208
And that's
a beautiful thing.
214
00:07:56,210 --> 00:08:00,144
Oh, I used to grind on my furby
like there was no tomorrow.
215
00:08:00,146 --> 00:08:01,346
I'll have the scallops,
216
00:08:01,348 --> 00:08:03,548
And we weren't talking
about masturbation.
217
00:08:03,550 --> 00:08:06,018
I would like to welcome you
all to paul's 100%
218
00:08:06,020 --> 00:08:08,687
Company-sanctioned sexuality
in the workplace seminar.
219
00:08:08,689 --> 00:08:10,955
And brian's.
A short time ago,
220
00:08:10,957 --> 00:08:13,758
Our brave leader
took my hand and said,
221
00:08:13,760 --> 00:08:17,429
"paul, go forth and declare
that seabben & seabben --
222
00:08:17,431 --> 00:08:18,697
Sebben.
Sure.
223
00:08:18,699 --> 00:08:21,366
..."is a sex-positive
workplace."
224
00:08:21,368 --> 00:08:23,502
Therefore,
on she/her/hers behalf,
225
00:08:23,504 --> 00:08:25,570
Let us acknowledge
we're humans
226
00:08:25,572 --> 00:08:29,641
With sexual needs that
don't stop at the security desk.
227
00:08:29,643 --> 00:08:30,909
This is a trick!
228
00:08:30,911 --> 00:08:32,110
Sit down!
229
00:08:32,112 --> 00:08:33,846
Okay, now,
before we begin
230
00:08:33,848 --> 00:08:35,980
This day-long
immersive experience,
231
00:08:35,982 --> 00:08:39,451
Let's pick out where we fall
on the sexuality spectrum.
232
00:08:39,453 --> 00:08:42,454
Does anyone know
what autosexual means?
233
00:08:42,456 --> 00:08:44,389
Yeah, is lunch provided?
234
00:08:44,391 --> 00:08:46,124
Go [bleep] yourself, josh.
235
00:08:46,126 --> 00:08:47,325
Literally.
236
00:08:47,327 --> 00:08:48,861
Autosexual
is an individual
237
00:08:48,863 --> 00:08:52,597
Who prefers masturbation
over sexual intercourse.
238
00:08:52,599 --> 00:08:55,934
Does anyone identify
with that term?
239
00:08:55,936 --> 00:08:57,469
Down.
Come on.
240
00:08:57,471 --> 00:08:59,804
Saturday when the wife's
at the craft store,
241
00:08:59,806 --> 00:09:02,241
You're doin'
a little slobby nobby?
242
00:09:05,546 --> 00:09:08,413
Okay, took the ride,
got the sticker.
243
00:09:08,415 --> 00:09:11,216
Not me.
Just a vanilla hetero-dude.
244
00:09:11,218 --> 00:09:14,419
You know what, it's okay if you
don't know where you fall
245
00:09:14,421 --> 00:09:16,488
On the sexuality spectrum
just yet.
246
00:09:16,490 --> 00:09:19,357
That's what today
is for, people.
247
00:09:19,359 --> 00:09:20,825
Down.
248
00:09:20,827 --> 00:09:22,160
Now, follow me
249
00:09:22,162 --> 00:09:24,897
And make sure to stay with
your designated buddy.
250
00:09:24,899 --> 00:09:26,498
You might have a future.
251
00:09:26,500 --> 00:09:29,501
Next stop,
the computer everyone uses
252
00:09:29,503 --> 00:09:31,637
To download porn.
253
00:09:32,907 --> 00:09:36,174
Your new state-of-the-art
toy workshop!
254
00:09:36,176 --> 00:09:37,576
Eat shit, santa.
255
00:09:37,578 --> 00:09:38,911
If you hate it,
we can burn it to the ground
256
00:09:38,913 --> 00:09:40,044
And start again.
257
00:09:40,046 --> 00:09:42,581
I can't make toys here.
258
00:09:42,583 --> 00:09:44,983
There's no magic.
259
00:09:44,985 --> 00:09:46,118
Oh, no?
260
00:09:46,120 --> 00:09:48,253
One bottle of
magic dust...
261
00:09:48,255 --> 00:09:50,522
Or I hope it is.
It wasn't labeled.
262
00:09:50,524 --> 00:09:52,524
You reached it!
263
00:09:52,526 --> 00:09:53,992
It's literally
four feet up.
264
00:09:53,994 --> 00:09:56,428
But I think the magic
might be gone.
265
00:09:57,864 --> 00:10:00,399
We'll just make
more magic.
266
00:10:00,401 --> 00:10:02,667
Owie!
Tears from an innocent!
267
00:10:02,669 --> 00:10:03,936
[ grunts ]
sorry!
268
00:10:03,938 --> 00:10:06,671
I was on the varsity
judo team.
269
00:10:06,673 --> 00:10:09,742
You've always been pure
of heart, judy.
270
00:10:09,744 --> 00:10:13,145
That's why you understand
the true spirit
271
00:10:13,147 --> 00:10:15,013
Of the wankenschtuber.
272
00:10:15,015 --> 00:10:19,751
♪♪
273
00:10:19,753 --> 00:10:22,021
Judy: [ echoing ] owie!
274
00:10:23,357 --> 00:10:25,690
This is for you, maude.
275
00:10:25,692 --> 00:10:27,826
[ gasps ]
he names each one.
276
00:10:27,828 --> 00:10:30,428
And your name is penelope.
277
00:10:30,430 --> 00:10:31,964
[ cellphone chimes ]
278
00:10:36,303 --> 00:10:38,370
Charlie:
Wanky buzz is off the charts.
279
00:10:38,372 --> 00:10:39,772
Our pop-ups in tokyo,
280
00:10:39,774 --> 00:10:41,239
Berlin, and melbourne have
281
00:10:41,241 --> 00:10:42,707
Already run out of
the product.
282
00:10:42,709 --> 00:10:45,844
"mel-bun."
somebody's been to australia.
283
00:10:45,846 --> 00:10:47,179
I can't
thank you guys enough.
284
00:10:47,181 --> 00:10:49,581
Now every child
can experience the joy
285
00:10:49,583 --> 00:10:51,450
The wanky brought me.
286
00:10:51,452 --> 00:10:53,518
Look at all the people here
to experience
287
00:10:53,520 --> 00:10:55,520
Your magic, mr. Claude!
288
00:10:55,522 --> 00:10:58,791
Ja, it's all
for the children, judy.
289
00:10:58,793 --> 00:11:02,060
Whores! There's a toilet
in across the street!
290
00:11:02,062 --> 00:11:03,796
Adorable.
291
00:11:03,798 --> 00:11:06,131
All the time we spent together,
you're like a...
292
00:11:06,133 --> 00:11:08,000
Surrogate dad to me.
293
00:11:08,002 --> 00:11:12,270
And maybe I'm a little
like the child you never had?
294
00:11:12,272 --> 00:11:14,139
Has a son.
Third time.
295
00:11:14,141 --> 00:11:15,207
[ grunts ]
296
00:11:15,209 --> 00:11:18,677
Wanky dropping
in five, four...
297
00:11:18,679 --> 00:11:21,013
Three, two...
298
00:11:21,015 --> 00:11:22,715
One!
299
00:11:25,352 --> 00:11:28,420
[ crowd murmuring ]
300
00:11:29,490 --> 00:11:31,790
[ wankys vibrating ]
301
00:11:33,560 --> 00:11:36,028
Charlie: Pssst, hey you.
302
00:11:36,030 --> 00:11:37,029
Yeah you.
303
00:11:37,031 --> 00:11:38,230
Come here.
304
00:11:38,232 --> 00:11:40,432
Are you overworked
and under-sexed?
305
00:11:40,434 --> 00:11:43,301
Why not take a "break?"
306
00:11:43,303 --> 00:11:44,569
The wanky.
307
00:11:44,571 --> 00:11:46,771
Euro engineering,
expertly designed
308
00:11:46,773 --> 00:11:49,107
To fit the contours
of your body.
309
00:11:49,109 --> 00:11:50,175
Mmm!
310
00:11:50,177 --> 00:11:52,511
Use offer code -- judy123
311
00:11:52,513 --> 00:11:55,848
For an extra spicy surprise
in your box.
312
00:11:55,850 --> 00:11:59,051
The wanky
by sebben & sebben.
313
00:11:59,053 --> 00:12:00,919
Ages 18 plus.
314
00:12:00,921 --> 00:12:01,854
Shh.
315
00:12:01,856 --> 00:12:04,456
Noooooo!
316
00:12:04,458 --> 00:12:06,692
The surprise
is a fedora.
317
00:12:08,796 --> 00:12:11,764
Thing heavily ]
noooooo!
318
00:12:13,667 --> 00:12:15,133
[ thinking ]
not today, death.
319
00:12:15,135 --> 00:12:17,603
You'll have me,
but not on this day.
320
00:12:17,605 --> 00:12:20,472
Work the problem, gill.
You need to eat,
321
00:12:20,474 --> 00:12:21,673
But your boss said don't move.
322
00:12:21,675 --> 00:12:23,475
God wants you to eat.
323
00:12:23,477 --> 00:12:24,810
Focus.
324
00:12:24,812 --> 00:12:28,614
Harness the power
of your mind.
325
00:12:28,616 --> 00:12:30,683
[ grunting ]
326
00:12:32,352 --> 00:12:35,153
And here we have
the vending machine I call tom,
327
00:12:35,155 --> 00:12:38,223
Where a shapely bottle of fanta
gave me a quarter stiffy
328
00:12:38,225 --> 00:12:40,892
That never quite made semi,
so I'm gonna add
329
00:12:40,894 --> 00:12:44,430
An objectumsexual
sticker to my sash.
330
00:12:44,432 --> 00:12:46,231
Bam!
331
00:12:46,233 --> 00:12:48,033
Um, I really like
332
00:12:48,035 --> 00:12:50,235
Those little peanut butter
cracker sandwiches.
333
00:12:50,237 --> 00:12:51,503
Like, a lot.
334
00:12:51,505 --> 00:12:52,904
A lot, a lot.
335
00:12:52,906 --> 00:12:55,106
There's no sticker
for what you have, sharon.
336
00:12:55,108 --> 00:12:57,909
Am I pansexual
or polysexual?
337
00:12:57,911 --> 00:12:59,311
Ah, that's a great question,
denise.
338
00:12:59,313 --> 00:13:01,580
As it was when you asked it
10 minutes ago.
339
00:13:02,850 --> 00:13:05,050
Okay,
poly comin' and goin'.
340
00:13:05,052 --> 00:13:06,452
Get up here!
341
00:13:06,454 --> 00:13:07,719
Hey, brian?
342
00:13:07,721 --> 00:13:09,787
Are there any feelings
coming up for you?
343
00:13:09,789 --> 00:13:11,589
Any feelings at all?
344
00:13:11,591 --> 00:13:13,325
I'd have to go
with the protein bar.
345
00:13:13,327 --> 00:13:14,660
That's a replenishing snack
346
00:13:14,662 --> 00:13:17,595
After I make missionary-style
love to a woman.
347
00:13:17,597 --> 00:13:19,331
Oh, god, that's gross.
348
00:13:19,333 --> 00:13:22,800
I'm so sorry about
what these deviants
349
00:13:22,802 --> 00:13:24,736
Have done to
your beautiful toy!
350
00:13:24,738 --> 00:13:26,071
Don't apologize.
351
00:13:26,073 --> 00:13:29,541
It was all part
of my decades-long,
352
00:13:29,543 --> 00:13:32,544
Unnecessarily
complicated plan.
353
00:13:32,546 --> 00:13:34,813
Hey, guys,
back from pt-- oh!
354
00:13:34,815 --> 00:13:37,749
Yeah, I'm just gonna hang out
in judy's office.
355
00:13:37,751 --> 00:13:40,285
Ah, I'm nekkid!
356
00:13:40,287 --> 00:13:41,953
Mr. Claude!
357
00:13:41,955 --> 00:13:45,757
People of loose morals
and orifices,
358
00:13:45,759 --> 00:13:48,560
Let me tell you a tale.
359
00:13:48,562 --> 00:13:50,028
Many years ago,
360
00:13:50,030 --> 00:13:53,231
I came downstairs
to the shop floor
361
00:13:53,233 --> 00:13:57,169
To find a small ginger girl
playing with my son.
362
00:13:57,171 --> 00:14:00,638
Then I heard strange noises
coming from the back.
363
00:14:00,640 --> 00:14:03,575
So I went to see
what the rumpus was.
364
00:14:03,577 --> 00:14:09,515
My wife, maude, betrayed me
in the worst possible way.
365
00:14:09,517 --> 00:14:11,649
But then I thought,
"eh, [bleep] 'em,"
366
00:14:11,651 --> 00:14:14,520
And I used my magic
to curse maude,
367
00:14:14,522 --> 00:14:20,526
Suck her ass into the wanky
and imprison her for eternity!
368
00:14:20,528 --> 00:14:25,197
Then, I anonymously sent the toy
to phil to curse him,
369
00:14:25,199 --> 00:14:28,400
Knowing that that manslapper
would use it
370
00:14:28,402 --> 00:14:30,869
And suck himself in, too.
371
00:14:30,871 --> 00:14:35,207
But little judy found it first,
and she played with it
372
00:14:35,209 --> 00:14:38,676
That the way
that I originally intended.
373
00:14:38,678 --> 00:14:41,479
When judy offered to make
more wankys,
374
00:14:41,481 --> 00:14:47,553
I used her to rid the world
of perverts like mine frau.
375
00:14:47,555 --> 00:14:50,155
And if you've corrupted
the wanky,
376
00:14:50,157 --> 00:14:52,891
You will be sucked in
for eternity
377
00:14:52,893 --> 00:14:56,694
To rot for your
goddamned sins!
378
00:14:56,696 --> 00:15:02,834
And the dust from your tears
will imprison this lot forever!
379
00:15:02,836 --> 00:15:05,303
[ laughs ]
sucker!
380
00:15:05,305 --> 00:15:06,438
[ wankys vibrating ]
381
00:15:06,440 --> 00:15:09,641
Shh.
382
00:15:09,643 --> 00:15:11,110
Birdteam? Go!
383
00:15:12,446 --> 00:15:16,248
I am a technosexual.
It makes perfect sense.
384
00:15:16,250 --> 00:15:20,852
Thank you, judy, for allowing me
to see myself as I truly am!
385
00:15:20,854 --> 00:15:21,987
Well, look at this.
386
00:15:21,989 --> 00:15:24,056
Everyone's got at least
one sticker.
387
00:15:24,058 --> 00:15:27,259
Beautiful.
Except brian.
388
00:15:27,261 --> 00:15:30,996
Is it possible, everyone,
that his reliance on masculinity
389
00:15:30,998 --> 00:15:35,533
Has something to do
with his father?
390
00:15:35,535 --> 00:15:37,402
Daddy's on a business trip,
bri.
391
00:15:37,404 --> 00:15:39,070
It's just us now.
392
00:15:39,072 --> 00:15:41,539
[ shushing ]
easy. Easy.
393
00:15:41,541 --> 00:15:43,341
Don't scare him.
394
00:15:43,343 --> 00:15:45,343
♪♪
395
00:15:45,345 --> 00:15:47,679
[ heart beating ]
396
00:15:47,681 --> 00:15:50,015
♪♪
397
00:15:50,017 --> 00:15:51,817
[ heartbeat stops ]
398
00:15:53,687 --> 00:15:55,220
[ beeps ]
399
00:15:57,157 --> 00:16:00,158
Thank you for guiding me
on this journey.
400
00:16:00,160 --> 00:16:01,159
Thank you!
401
00:16:01,161 --> 00:16:03,028
Bravest person
I've ever met.
402
00:16:03,030 --> 00:16:04,830
Oh, jack off, josh.
403
00:16:04,832 --> 00:16:07,899
Mark my curse,
ere it seals thy fate.
404
00:16:07,901 --> 00:16:10,736
Use this nevermore
to masturba--
405
00:16:13,573 --> 00:16:16,308
[ static, indistinct voices ]
406
00:16:16,310 --> 00:16:17,775
Trish: News happens.
407
00:16:17,777 --> 00:16:21,513
And this is
the "syliva situation."
408
00:16:21,515 --> 00:16:25,250
The global devastation continues
as more people vanish
409
00:16:25,252 --> 00:16:26,518
Into thin air.
410
00:16:26,520 --> 00:16:29,321
Some have drawn connections
to a new adult toy
411
00:16:29,323 --> 00:16:30,456
That just hit the market.
412
00:16:30,458 --> 00:16:32,791
The birdteam
is roaming far and wide
413
00:16:32,793 --> 00:16:35,661
Desperately trying to prevent
the people of planet earth
414
00:16:35,663 --> 00:16:37,329
From masturbating.
415
00:16:37,331 --> 00:16:40,866
With the latest on the wanky,
we go to diana van vleet.
416
00:16:40,868 --> 00:16:42,000
Diana?
417
00:16:42,002 --> 00:16:43,669
[ moans ]
418
00:16:43,671 --> 00:16:45,537
Ad lib. Oh.
[ chuckles ]
419
00:16:45,539 --> 00:16:48,206
[ elevator dings ]
420
00:16:48,208 --> 00:16:50,809
It's a ghost town in here.
421
00:16:50,811 --> 00:16:52,610
A sexy ghost town.
422
00:16:52,612 --> 00:16:54,012
Judy:
Landing in three, two --
423
00:16:54,014 --> 00:16:56,948
Oh, right,
this window doesn't open.
424
00:16:56,950 --> 00:16:58,684
We just released the damn thing
an hour ago.
425
00:16:58,686 --> 00:17:00,085
Where do people
find the time!
426
00:17:00,087 --> 00:17:02,488
See?
Look around you.
427
00:17:02,490 --> 00:17:06,358
Self-pleasure is part
of a healthy work-life balance.
428
00:17:06,360 --> 00:17:09,495
Somebody feed
my beta fish!
429
00:17:09,497 --> 00:17:10,696
[ glass shatters ]
430
00:17:10,698 --> 00:17:12,097
Careful.
431
00:17:12,099 --> 00:17:15,367
Don't [bleep] it up, gil.
432
00:17:15,369 --> 00:17:17,703
We're at the end here.
Final stretch.
433
00:17:17,705 --> 00:17:20,305
Final stretch.
434
00:17:20,307 --> 00:17:22,141
I could do this.
435
00:17:23,977 --> 00:17:26,578
Oh, tut, tut, fraulein,
you'll do better to know
436
00:17:26,580 --> 00:17:28,714
Who you're [bleep] mit.
437
00:17:28,716 --> 00:17:30,849
Your accent,
it's interesting.
438
00:17:30,851 --> 00:17:32,317
Westphalian?
439
00:17:32,319 --> 00:17:33,651
Upper saxon?
440
00:17:33,653 --> 00:17:35,320
Or...Neither!
441
00:17:35,322 --> 00:17:38,656
Haha, 'cause you're not
really german, are you?
442
00:17:38,658 --> 00:17:42,328
I know that because my first
boyfriend was a pretend german!
443
00:17:42,330 --> 00:17:44,863
Take that, and that!
Seven, eight!
444
00:17:44,865 --> 00:17:46,998
Okay, fine, I'm austrian!
445
00:17:47,000 --> 00:17:48,600
I'm austrian!
446
00:17:48,602 --> 00:17:50,936
Gillian's gone carrie again.
447
00:17:50,938 --> 00:17:53,205
Did I do good, boss?
448
00:17:53,207 --> 00:17:54,940
I didn't mean
"don't move!"
449
00:17:54,942 --> 00:17:57,809
Oh, you're so bad
at idioms!
450
00:17:57,811 --> 00:17:59,010
Wait!
How did you --
451
00:17:59,012 --> 00:18:00,546
If you didn't move?
452
00:18:00,548 --> 00:18:02,214
I sat on it...
453
00:18:02,216 --> 00:18:03,615
[ laughs ]
454
00:18:03,617 --> 00:18:04,950
[ people gasping, screaming ]
455
00:18:04,952 --> 00:18:07,285
Tell me how to
break the curse.
No!
456
00:18:07,287 --> 00:18:09,755
It's the least you can do
since you betrayed me.
457
00:18:09,757 --> 00:18:11,890
Say it's a sex toy!
458
00:18:11,892 --> 00:18:13,892
Say you stole
my childhood!
459
00:18:13,894 --> 00:18:15,894
Nein!
I would say never,
460
00:18:15,896 --> 00:18:18,296
But there's no word
in german for it!
461
00:18:18,298 --> 00:18:22,100
Uch, you're like
a -- a hairy body pillow.
462
00:18:22,102 --> 00:18:23,635
Evie: I found a way
to break the curse.
463
00:18:23,637 --> 00:18:25,170
I'm listening.
464
00:18:25,172 --> 00:18:27,038
So the wanky came
with instructions.
465
00:18:27,040 --> 00:18:28,173
You kept the box?
466
00:18:28,175 --> 00:18:29,575
It's a collectible.
467
00:18:29,577 --> 00:18:31,176
"only a fair woman
in her jesus year
468
00:18:31,178 --> 00:18:33,111
With ginger hair
who's had a handful of
469
00:18:33,113 --> 00:18:36,181
Mild and mostly accidental
orgasms
470
00:18:36,183 --> 00:18:37,983
Can break the curse."
471
00:18:37,985 --> 00:18:40,386
[ clears throat ]
in terms of my orgasms,
472
00:18:40,388 --> 00:18:43,722
I will admit most of them
have been mild and mostly...
473
00:18:43,724 --> 00:18:45,924
Accidental.
Oh, sweetie. Mostly?
474
00:18:45,926 --> 00:18:47,859
Okay, all of them!
I'll bite,
475
00:18:47,861 --> 00:18:49,461
How does she break
the curse?
476
00:18:49,463 --> 00:18:51,597
She needs to f--
play with her wanky.
477
00:18:51,599 --> 00:18:54,332
The way god intended.
478
00:18:54,334 --> 00:18:56,602
Don't listen to them, judy.
479
00:18:56,604 --> 00:19:00,672
Don't let them suck you
into their pool of cess.
480
00:19:00,674 --> 00:19:02,274
It's a toy
481
00:19:02,276 --> 00:19:05,477
Only you understand that.
482
00:19:05,479 --> 00:19:07,813
Judy: There has to be
another way.
483
00:19:07,815 --> 00:19:11,149
We need a place
abandoned by humanity
484
00:19:11,151 --> 00:19:13,018
Where there's no chance
she'll be disturbed.
485
00:19:13,020 --> 00:19:15,887
Ho-ho, I know where I go
to flack the flep.
486
00:19:15,889 --> 00:19:17,823
Whores!
[ siren wails ]
487
00:19:17,825 --> 00:19:19,958
You,
with the chimp nipples!
488
00:19:20,961 --> 00:19:24,630
Everyone, everyone,
judy ken sebben,
489
00:19:24,632 --> 00:19:27,433
Our sexual spirit leader!
490
00:19:27,435 --> 00:19:28,434
Asexual!
491
00:19:28,436 --> 00:19:30,836
Keep it in your pants,
denise.
492
00:19:30,838 --> 00:19:33,238
Or...
We do it in judy's office.
493
00:19:33,240 --> 00:19:35,974
Hey, gang!
Judy's gonna wank
494
00:19:35,976 --> 00:19:40,312
And needs your support!
Come on!
495
00:19:40,314 --> 00:19:42,448
Follow me, you're fired.
496
00:19:42,450 --> 00:19:44,382
Look, lets dig up
those instructions.
497
00:19:44,384 --> 00:19:46,318
I'm sure there's
another alternative.
498
00:19:46,320 --> 00:19:49,121
Judy,
it has to be this way.
499
00:19:49,123 --> 00:19:51,523
One wank
to save us all.
500
00:19:51,525 --> 00:19:54,392
Unh-unh, this is a mission
for judy.
501
00:19:54,394 --> 00:19:56,328
Birdgirl's
a different party.
502
00:19:56,330 --> 00:19:59,131
Evie:
A woman in her jesus year.
503
00:20:00,534 --> 00:20:03,201
[ sultry jazz plays ]
504
00:20:03,203 --> 00:20:05,403
This is all for me?
505
00:20:05,405 --> 00:20:06,804
Mostly.
506
00:20:06,806 --> 00:20:08,740
We don't have much time.
507
00:20:08,742 --> 00:20:11,943
Uh, next time one of you says
you're "really busy"?
508
00:20:11,945 --> 00:20:14,346
Let's leave you to it,
shall we?
509
00:20:14,948 --> 00:20:16,382
[ plate shatters ]
510
00:20:18,352 --> 00:20:20,952
Please, god, tell me
he didn't use this one.
511
00:20:20,954 --> 00:20:23,122
[ wanky buzzing ]
512
00:20:25,826 --> 00:20:28,160
Aah!
Who are you?
513
00:20:28,162 --> 00:20:30,095
I'm devon, claude's son.
514
00:20:30,097 --> 00:20:31,697
Now let's say
we wank together.
515
00:20:31,699 --> 00:20:33,031
Just one more time.
516
00:20:33,033 --> 00:20:35,100
It's a one-person game.
517
00:20:35,102 --> 00:20:36,902
Not the way I play it.
518
00:20:36,904 --> 00:20:38,904
[ grunts ]
yep, there you go.
519
00:20:38,906 --> 00:20:40,638
Oops.
Did -- did you just...
520
00:20:40,640 --> 00:20:43,175
Sure did!
Curse is broken!
521
00:20:43,177 --> 00:20:44,642
Want to get into this
seafood tower?
522
00:20:44,644 --> 00:20:45,977
Otherwise,
I could really use the time
523
00:20:45,979 --> 00:20:47,245
To finish up
some correspondence.
524
00:20:47,247 --> 00:20:48,980
Way behind on e-mails.
525
00:20:48,982 --> 00:20:50,716
I call next.
526
00:20:50,718 --> 00:20:53,919
[ grunting ]
527
00:20:53,921 --> 00:20:55,120
The buzzing.
528
00:20:55,122 --> 00:20:57,255
It's too strong.
I-I can't.
529
00:20:57,257 --> 00:21:00,125
No, but we can.
530
00:21:01,195 --> 00:21:04,062
[ singing in french ]
531
00:21:04,064 --> 00:21:16,141
♪♪
532
00:21:16,143 --> 00:21:17,209
[ groans ]
533
00:21:17,211 --> 00:21:19,411
Skeet ulrich!
534
00:21:22,015 --> 00:21:23,815
[ people murmuring ]
535
00:21:23,817 --> 00:21:25,650
[ elevator dings ]
536
00:21:26,220 --> 00:21:28,620
[ applause ]
[ laughs ]
537
00:21:28,622 --> 00:21:31,022
Fooled around
and saved the world.
538
00:21:31,024 --> 00:21:33,091
Jude, you did it!
539
00:21:33,093 --> 00:21:34,360
[ wanky vibrates ]
540
00:21:36,430 --> 00:21:39,098
I've come to spread
the good news.
541
00:21:40,234 --> 00:21:41,699
Who is that?
542
00:21:41,701 --> 00:21:42,768
Wait, is that?
543
00:21:42,770 --> 00:21:44,570
Maude? Claude's wife?
544
00:21:44,572 --> 00:21:46,438
The curse is broken.
545
00:21:48,308 --> 00:21:50,642
Wait, wait, don't go!
546
00:21:50,644 --> 00:21:53,111
Oh, spectrosexual!
547
00:21:53,113 --> 00:21:54,913
Turned on by sexy ghosts!
548
00:21:54,915 --> 00:21:56,648
We need a flag for that!
549
00:21:57,985 --> 00:22:01,487
[ trumpet playing ]
550
00:22:02,957 --> 00:22:04,222
World? ♪
551
00:22:04,224 --> 00:22:06,158
Hey! Birdgirl!
552
00:22:06,160 --> 00:22:07,626
♪ wings of fire,
unique like pearls ♪
553
00:22:07,628 --> 00:22:09,294
Hey! Birdgirl!
554
00:22:09,296 --> 00:22:11,163
♪ who's the one
they can't defeat? ♪
555
00:22:11,165 --> 00:22:12,564
Hey! Birdgirl!
556
00:22:12,566 --> 00:22:14,299
♪ ultra fierce,
and it's all you need ♪
557
00:22:14,301 --> 00:22:17,636
Hey! Birdgirl!
558
00:22:17,638 --> 00:22:19,571
Hey!
[ imitating fanfare ]
559
00:22:19,573 --> 00:22:21,173
Birdgirl!
560
00:22:22,576 --> 00:22:25,511
Made in georgia.