Lap. Play.
You want to play?
You want to play on my lap?
Or the couch?
Eat. Car. Car.
Now you're just [bleep] with me.
Girl's trip!
Gentle. Morning energy, please.
I've been up since 3:30 am. I've already had dinner.
[ grunting ]
Y'know how we've always fantasized about
Touring the regional offices in the lower northeastern region?
-No. -Poison groundwater?
Interspecial dating? '70s architecture?
Hard pass. Mere.
It's just two best friends hitting the road,
Eating snacks, harmonizing to songs from my aughts mix.
And best of all, you don't have a choice
Because I'm your boss, technically. Technically.
Car's packed and ready to go!
Oh, good, printed directions.
Where the hell's buttzville?
It's where we make the lady pump.
The what?
From the little miss sebben personal protection line.
It's a pink shotgun for the gal
Who wants to look chic downing a grouse.
They'll let us rack a couple, you know.
Fine. I'm in.
Why didn't you lead with the guns?
You said it was urgent?
Yep. We're going to buttzville.
Wow, pegging really has gone mainstream.
[ laughs nervously ] what's pegging?
Oh. The town. Rack a couple for me.
Ugh, it's south of assburg? I'm back out.
Come on, we never spend any time where it's just us girls.
Charlie, as much I'd love a contralto in the car,
I'm gonna need you to hold down the fort while we're gone.
I now pronounce you interim ceo of sebben & sebben.
Oh, oh, oh, wait, wait.
Okay, I know where this thing's been.
Buttzville.
♪ hey! ♪
[ rapping ] ♪ who's the girl that saves the world? ♪
♪ hey! ♪
[ rapping ] ♪ oh, my god, oh, my god, oh, my god ♪
[ imitating fanfare ] birdgirl!
Mmm. Girl's trip?
I told you these outfits made sense.
Gillian, can you give birdcat his shots while I'm away?
[ gasps ] it would be my great honor.
You and you -- co and dependent.
One shot every 25 minutes.
He will resist.
But if he's a good boy, you can give him his spankys.
[ cat meows ]
We could always just put her down.
Charlie: Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Yeah, yeah.
I hear you, but you can't run this.
She's all chin.
Gillian, text judy's new headshot to "the times."
Ow! What new headshot?
Ow!
[ cat growls ]
Oh.
[ sighs ] [ computer dings ]
Oh, my god. It's time.
Gillian, come in here, please.
Ow! Can it wait?!
I've got the leadership stick.
Yes? Aah!
Oh... You'll need this.
[ inhales deeply ]
[ screaming ]
What the [bleep] is that?! Aah!
Gillian. Computer. Watch.
Sugar. Blood. High. High.
♪♪
Judy, thank you for shepherding me
Through my rejuvication process.
And special thanks for not pawning the whole thing off
On that dipshit, gillian.
-Hi, gillian. -Hello.
Every 19 years for the past thousand or so,
I, like the versions of me before me,
Shed my old skin and emerge a more evolved version of myself.
It keeps me at the top of my game
And staves off any fine lines.
You said it was exfoliants and river hooch. Over.
Don't make me come out there.
During stage one, it's vital to keep my sack damp.
Using the provided ass bag,
Simply hose my sack every eight minutes
And keep the walkie charged.
Khaire!
♪♪
If feces be the food of love, play on.
[ phone rings ] you got o'brien.
I told you never to call me here.
Okay, well, maybe I forgot to.
I understand. Thank you.
And never call me here.
[ speed dialing ]
Boys? Meet me in the nest.
My source in the parking deck
Tells me the power three have left the building.
And it's our time to implement some experimental ideas
That the man -- judy -- says are too hot for prime time.
So who's down for blowing the roof off sebben & sebben?
Question: Did you mean to invite me?
Because sometimes people think they're texting paul r.
And they're disappointed.
I just needed a third set of balls.
Uh-huh.
By "set" do you mean "a pair" because...
So, every day, some tom,
Dick, or harriet makes a dumbass comment
Or unwanted advance, word gets out,
And they get cancelled, we get sued,
And someone has to clean up the mess.
Please, charge that.
That's why I've perfected a new technology.
Ahem.
That's why mostly evie perfected a new technology.
We track employee's online footprint to predict
Inappropriate behavior seconds before it happens.
Like, in six seconds, paul will post
That he invented taco Tuesday.
Now we can stop cancellations by precanceling the offender.
And ethics are in the gray area, right where they belong.
Fyi, anyone asks questions, and I will drop a dime
On all of you so fast it'll make your nuts drop.
Well, one of 'em.
Is she going to be here the whole time?
'cause according to my book of guy rules, no ladies allowed!
It is literally illegal to say that.
Get out! Get out! Get out!
Get out of my room, tiffany, or I'm gonna tell mom!
Gotta go anyway.
Ballet recital, in case anyone cares.
Yeah, that won't be happening.
So, are there risks involved? Yes.
Is it worth it? No.
Are we going to have some fun?
Abso-[bleep]-lutely.
I've always struggled connecting with men until now.
Look at us! The trinity!
Thought I invited paul r.
Here's the bean dip.
Precanceling looks a lot like kidnapping...
Because it is. [ beeping ]
Precancel alert: Brad from bizdev is about
To initiate a "lean and creep."
Bag 'em and drag 'em.
[ bones crack ]
[ grunting ]
Oh, hey, sarah, look for an nda in your inbox,
And I would sign it if I were you.
Go for miles from accounting.
Impending african-american vernacular english.
♪ watching "neighborhood watch." ♪
♪ boost mobile on the plug, what you need, I got ♪
[ grunts ] a blaccent, miles?
Really?! A blaccent?!
Argh!
Go for sandra from consumer affairs.
Imminent harassment.
Hey, mike, think I can fit this whole thing in my --
Ohh!
In god's name, tell me you were gonna say "mouth," sandra.
Ohh! Hr nightmare averted. An hr nightmare averted.
Go for rudy from sales for...
[ groans ]
Oh, boy.
Tgif, mon!
[ grunts ]
Me! Us! Boys! Balls!
Bruh, we got to make sure we're always on each other's teams,
Right, like forever.
Whoa! Hello! Hello!
Another young lady sliding in my dms.
That's a spam text, paul.
I'm just trying to find a persona that fits.
[ muffled ] brad! Can't breathe!
[ phone chimes ]
Birdcat.
Codfish. Florentine-style.
Charlie: Feeling a little dry in here.
Aah! Ooh!
5, 4, 3, 2...
Ahh.
[ panting ]
Ah, bubala, buttercup, you've completed the wetting process.
Oh, thank jesus.
Time to start phase two.
Please tell me you eat me.
Unfortunately, no.
But we are gonna need a car.
[ grunting loudly ]
Hey, gill. Happy hour?
I wish.
Unfortunately, though, I got to get this rug to the cleaners.
I diarrhea'd on it.
Fun! Next time!
You can do this. [ grunts ]
It's just physics.
Argh, [bleep]!
Charlie: What's going on out there?
[ cell phone ringing ] man on tv: 22 pounds of heroin was seized along with...
Well, well, well.
The day has come.
Remember when I sent out an all-staff
Saying anyone could borrow my truck?
Every single person replied.
Except you.
But I knew one day you'd come a-beggin'.
And you're right. I was wrong to not reply
To your completely inappropriate all-staff.
No, you were wrong to think I would forgive you.
[ crash ]
Not so fast!
Where my truck goes, I go.
[ tires squeal ]
Ow, ow, ow, ow! Ow, ow, ow, ow!
Aah!
Man: 911? What's your emergency?
It's jessica. From accounting, yes.
I'd like to report a stolen truck.
And I happen to know there's a brick of skag
In the rocker panel.
From accounting, yes.
[ purring ]
You've always scared the shit out of me,
But I'm sleep-deprived and I've had a medium
Diet dr. Pepper so I'm feeling a little [bleep]-it.
What's going on?!
Charlie: Let's just say I come from a highly evolved race,
A race of one.
I don't even know how I got this way, I just am.
Where are we?
Um, if jeffrey dahmer were a farmer...
We're here! [ squealing ]
[ whistles ] annabel! Chichi!
You're late!
Where'd you find this one?
Am I dumb?
Oh, my god! That pig is adorable.
[ whistles ]
♪♪
I love animals!
Speaking of which, meet my son, cj!
He was but a wisp the last time you saw him, eh, charlie?
She must be molting.
We've got...Elev-- twelve pieces of chicken,
So everyone can have four.
Four pieces of chicken.
Stop trying to force chicken down our throats.
Nobody likes your rub!
You don't like my rub!
We'll order thai.
Gillian...
I've got this! No, I've got this!
5, 4, 3, 2... I'm her assistant!
I'm her attendant!
[ both gasp ] they both gasp.
A moment shared between a woman and a man.
We'll both do it.
So you know, I don't work well with others.
There've been a few hr complaints.
Those your guncles?
All will be revealed in time.
Mind the clypeal sheath!
Welcome to the cancel cabin!
This is bullshit!
We prevented each of you from being cancelled.
You'll still be able to google yourself
And go to a kids' talent show. You're welcome.
Dog with bucket hat: Some of you will pump sebben & sebben stock,
Others will dump it.
Paychecks can be cashed there.
We will issue a debit card connected to your paycheck.
Your card can be used at the company store
Where everything costs $14.
Is it supposed to be this c-c-cold in here?
Those are $14. Officer?
Yes, yes it's supposed to be this cold because this is work!
My job is to make sure things run smoothly.
And her job is to tune up troublemakers.
Oh, my god, guys, I am loving this persona!
Whoa.
An original 19th century hatching room.
They don't make 'em like this anymore.
I do a lot of reading on birthing techniques.
That's how I know it's pronounced birthing.
Charlie: Whoa!
Well, looks like stage one's complete,
So if you don't need me anymore, I'm gonna call it.
This part of the process could take days.
I could use another steady pair of hands and...
Sturdy calves.
I do wide squats three days a week.
Please stay. For her.
For...Me.
Do you have a points program?
I'll have cj make up the guest room where we keep the dolls.
Music playing ] do you have a points program?
What's that?
That's...Our office building.
Where's the rest of it?
And what's that?
That's cade. He works in receiving.
Where's the rest of it?
I'm being sexual.
Mere, take a pic of me in front of it.
I've never seen a one-story building!
Guys, I've got something to show you.
His teste?
What do you give the men who have everything?
Well, their very own 77-foot man bus!
[ horn blares ]
I got a hook-up in the recreational vehicle space.
That margarita machine ain't foolin' around.
How'd you pay for this?
Easy. He gave me an 18.5%
96 month loan which I collateralized
Against the stack we're gonna make out there.
It's all funny money, right, bros? [ laughs ]
[bleep] you, the man-slash-judy!
That's our money, paul. Wait...
Is that an entire wall of big macs?
You must be wondering what my part is in all this.
I was more wondering why there's a goat on the table, but sure.
I come from a centuries-old line of attendants
Who've ushered miss charlie through her rebirth.
And when I'm gone, cj will take my place.
If, and when, he stops forcing chicken on people!
[ splat! ] you don't like my rub!
Sure, I had other dreams, but the enema bag,
She's a stern mistress.
Oh, charles, I understand.
Because, I, too, was born with my destiny already forewritten.
The sans pinky. Everyone in my family has it.
It's a genetic gift that makes us superior assistants.
It allows me full keyboard access with one hand.
It's my gift.
And my burden.
♪♪
♪ the winner takes it all ♪
♪ the loser's standing small ♪
♪ beside the victory ♪
♪ that's her destiny ♪
Bam! A crisp $50 to today's top closer,
And it ain't gonna be hugh the way he's [bleep] going!
Given that we've only been here 45 minutes,
I'm not sure it's fair to judge me. [ groans ]
Please, I beg you, a little heat.
I've lost feeling below the waist.
Aw, happy holidays.
[ screams ]
Thanks for supporting my vision, fellas.
This never would've happened with judy ken bottomline.
[ laughs ] bottomline. Classic.
I tell ya, when I was four, mother had one of her spells
And took to her bed for three years,
Making me the lady of the house.
Listen, maybe we -- us,
Are about more than just ripping farts.
When's the last time you were vulnerable?
What do you wish you said to your gran gran
Before she passed?
[ sniffles ]
[ sobs ]
Nana?
Please, no. Please, no.
I've got a family of pugs at home.
I brought stuff for s'mores!
Well, I forgot marshmallows and chocolate.
It's been lovely having you here.
We're used to rattling around the manse by ourselves.
Just out of curiosity, where's cj's mother?
He doesn't have one. I grew him in the hatching room.
♪ the winner takes it all ♪
♪ takes it all ♪
♪ the loser has to fall ♪
♪ has to fall ♪
♪ it's simple and it's plain ♪
♪ yes, it's plain ♪
♪ why should I complain? ♪
♪ why complain? ♪
♪ but tell me, does she kiss? ♪
[ tool whirring ]
You pushed it too far, paul.
You broke the only rule -- you tried to make us feel.
I started to feel something and I never feel something!
I'm so pissed at you, bro!
Uh, what do we do with him?
How about we just leave his body in the woods
And then wolves will come and finish the work for us.
I like the way this is going.
No body, no crime.
I'd like to strenuously object to the manner
In which we have been detained in this cabin.
Let us handle this, frenchie,
We're going to get our $14 worth.
[ gagging ]
Because it's us, I'm gonna assume there's no fire exit.
Yep! Now we'll be together forever.
[ laughs ]
[ retches ] oh, god.
Gillian: If we ever shared divine love,
You must protect me and my pinkie at all costs.
[ meows ]
[ gasps ] did you hear that?
Probably a chicken.
Ah, your lips. What was that?
Probably cj or a chicken.
Just go back to what you were doing.
[ gasps ]
[ whimpers ]
Oh, dear god, what have we done?
Charlie: Get me the [bleep] out of here!
You had one job and now my rejuvication is blown!
And you released my skin sack before we had a chance to fuse.
By the way, I could hear everything.
Charles, you talk way too much when you're [bleep].
And you're fired.
But my blood oath!
Like my father and his father before him.
[ engine starts ]
[ horn plays "dixie" ]
That thing can drive?
That thing is 10% of me,
So it can do anything it damn well sets its mind to.
Put those in milk.
[ country music plays ]
[ cell phone rings ]
You got diane here.
Judy? Diane!
Regular old line worker diane.
Hey, uh, we've run into a little problem
And I think you guys might want to get back here.
My name's also diane but with a hard e.
Dian-ee. [ laughs ]
Gillian. Gillianianiana.
You have got to get your flat ass out here.
So, charlie has this little thing she does every 19 --
The rejuvication! What year is this?!
1991!
Since you're clearly up to speed --
The skin sack's escaped.
Oh. My. God.
Birdsteam?
No. Go!
[ siren wailing ]
♪♪
Oh, god. [ panting raggedly ]
I didn't know how much I needed fellowship,
But now I can't live without it.
You'll never be one of us, but you're all right.
He's not all right!
He swallowed the keys, and we're all gonna die!
What's this? A secret exit.
This wasn't worth mentioning?!
Then it wouldn't be secret, would it, marty?
It's hugh, brian. I was your best man.
♪♪
Charlie: Stop!
It's close.
She can sense it.
No, gillian, I have a nose.
It smells like pork rinds and gooch.
[ growl ]
-Scarlie? -Aah!
-Scarlie, no! -Help me!
No! It's too late.
-Bad scarlie. -He's gone.
-Help me! -Scarlie!
Nothing to do now but watch.
Cj: There are so many things besides watch that you could do!
He's with the chickens now.
Charlie: A little help?
Any kind of disinfectant!
[ siren wails ]
Paul: Two-day road trip with the bros!
I'll get my clothes back on.
Meredith: Hey, kid, make yourself useful
And give me a piggyback.
Charlie: Scarlie, don't run!
Scarlie.
We're not going to hurt you.
[ grunting ]
Come here, pretty girl.
Yeah, mamma's got you.
Come on. Come on.
There you go.
♪♪
Birdcat, bad!
♪♪
Two charlies, can't tell who's who.
Are you [bleep] kidding me?
You're such a lightweight.
That's obviously charlie.
Take the shot!
♪♪
-I've got this! -No, I've got this.
I'm her attendant!
[ gasps ]
[ grunting ]
Charles! My love!
[ gasping ]
I always have so much anxiety with driving,
But this is like driving with mama.
Aah!
I can't believe I'm going to have to wait another
19 years to rebirth.
Looks like someone needs a piggyback.
-Moment's passed, cade. -Bye.
Gillian! Ohh!
Where is she?
A gift. For your pretzel hands.
So people won't stare.
Stay with me.
Think of what we could do in 19 years.
No. I shan't.
We've both sworn fealty to a higher power.
Plus, you'll be like 80?
Gillian!
It's life calling.
I'll see you in 19 years.
Yes.
Unless, like, I'm married,
Then it probably wouldn't be appropriate.
Birdgirl: Gillian!
I've got a hangover.
[ rapping ] ♪ who is the girl that saves the world? ♪
Hey! Birdgirl!
♪ wings of fire, unique like pearls ♪
Hey! Birdgirl!
♪ who's the one they can't defeat? ♪
Hey! Birdgirl!
♪ ultra fierce, and it's all you need ♪
Hey! Birdgirl!
Hey! [ imitating fanfare ]
Birdgirl!
Made in georgia.