1 00:00:02,469 --> 00:00:05,804 Welcome to judycon -- no cameras, no phones. 2 00:00:05,806 --> 00:00:08,073 Raffle tickets go in the box. 3 00:00:08,075 --> 00:00:10,075 Sharp objects go back in your car. 4 00:00:10,077 --> 00:00:13,077 Announcer: Enter now to win lunch hosted by birdcat 5 00:00:13,079 --> 00:00:15,748 Plus the jks inspira-mirror. 6 00:00:15,750 --> 00:00:18,750 Please make your way to the conestoga room 7 00:00:18,752 --> 00:00:22,887 For the jks kickoff speech. [ techno dance music playing ] 8 00:00:22,889 --> 00:00:26,224 This is great. And I never say that. No. 9 00:00:26,226 --> 00:00:28,627 Great would've been if you'd cleared this with me 10 00:00:28,629 --> 00:00:31,029 Before slapping my name on a random event to make money. 11 00:00:31,031 --> 00:00:34,299 Random event? It's the jks leadership conference 12 00:00:34,301 --> 00:00:35,634 Product line roll out. 13 00:00:35,636 --> 00:00:38,903 With kerri strug. Who doesn't do random events. 14 00:00:38,905 --> 00:00:41,306 Wow, this stuff is almost perfectly... 15 00:00:41,308 --> 00:00:43,842 Packaged? Retrograde. Who wrote this? 16 00:00:43,844 --> 00:00:45,710 Guiltish. I've got your voice down pat. 17 00:00:45,712 --> 00:00:47,646 "oh my god, who wrote this?" 18 00:00:47,648 --> 00:00:49,381 She said with a hint of disdain. 19 00:00:49,383 --> 00:00:52,917 [ music continues ] 20 00:00:52,919 --> 00:00:56,054 Jude, I know technically we didn't ask your permission 21 00:00:56,056 --> 00:00:57,990 But only because we didn't have time 22 00:00:57,992 --> 00:00:59,591 To pretend you have any control over your life. 23 00:00:59,593 --> 00:01:01,393 [ cheers and applause ] 24 00:01:01,395 --> 00:01:03,328 I feel like I'm being used. 25 00:01:03,330 --> 00:01:05,397 And surprise! I don't like feeling used. 26 00:01:05,399 --> 00:01:09,734 You are being used, but you're still in control. 27 00:01:09,736 --> 00:01:11,936 Look, there's a huge market out there 28 00:01:11,938 --> 00:01:13,672 For feel-good inspirational crap 29 00:01:13,674 --> 00:01:17,476 And your demo, single working women ages 32 to 40 30 00:01:17,478 --> 00:01:19,478 With imaginary gluten allergies, 31 00:01:19,480 --> 00:01:21,880 Are open for business. 32 00:01:21,882 --> 00:01:24,149 I guess. Now get out there 33 00:01:24,151 --> 00:01:26,284 And do exactly as you're told -- 34 00:01:26,286 --> 00:01:27,686 But as yourself. 35 00:01:27,688 --> 00:01:28,953 The way I'm telling you to be. 36 00:01:28,955 --> 00:01:31,423 Flying is just walking with sparkle. 37 00:01:31,425 --> 00:01:32,557 You taught me that. 38 00:01:32,559 --> 00:01:34,159 Blame him. 39 00:01:34,161 --> 00:01:38,096 So when people say, "judy, what's your secret," 40 00:01:38,098 --> 00:01:43,502 I say: My jks power planner with color-coded affirmation inserts. 41 00:01:43,504 --> 00:01:44,569 [ cheers and applause ] 42 00:01:44,571 --> 00:01:45,437 Nailed it. 43 00:01:46,573 --> 00:01:49,108 So, is today the day you...? 44 00:01:51,311 --> 00:01:54,046 [ sighs ] this isn't the real me. 45 00:01:54,048 --> 00:01:57,249 Oh, god, no, that's her riffing face. 46 00:01:57,251 --> 00:01:58,917 The real me doesn't talk like this. 47 00:01:58,919 --> 00:02:02,454 The real me says I am who I am 48 00:02:02,456 --> 00:02:06,324 Even if that me isn't who you or even I want me to be! 49 00:02:06,326 --> 00:02:07,325 Exactly! 50 00:02:07,327 --> 00:02:08,861 Meredith: Not now, kerri strug. 51 00:02:08,863 --> 00:02:11,530 And this? This was written for me! 52 00:02:11,532 --> 00:02:15,534 The real me shoots from the hip and... 53 00:02:15,536 --> 00:02:17,202 Trusts. Her. 54 00:02:17,204 --> 00:02:19,137 Gut! [ woman screams, audience gasps, glass shatters ] 55 00:02:19,139 --> 00:02:21,740 [ audience muttering ] 56 00:02:21,742 --> 00:02:23,141 Ding! 57 00:02:24,144 --> 00:02:27,812 [ fire alarm beeping, audience screaming ] 58 00:02:27,814 --> 00:02:29,814 I'll take my 100 in cash. 59 00:02:29,816 --> 00:02:31,349 ♪ hey! ♪ 60 00:02:31,351 --> 00:02:33,017 [ rapping ] ♪ who's the girl that saves the world? ♪ 61 00:02:33,019 --> 00:02:34,352 ♪ hey! ♪ 62 00:02:34,354 --> 00:02:35,754 [ rapping ] ♪ oh, my god, oh, my god, oh, my god ♪ 63 00:02:35,756 --> 00:02:37,622 [ imitating fanfare ] birdgirl! 64 00:02:37,624 --> 00:02:39,424 Now, that was great. 65 00:02:39,426 --> 00:02:41,226 You just had to do it, didn't you? 66 00:02:41,228 --> 00:02:42,895 Just had to whip out your dick. 67 00:02:42,897 --> 00:02:44,496 -Fupa. -Fupa? 68 00:02:44,498 --> 00:02:48,233 The thing you just flicked with your finger and went "ding!" 69 00:02:48,235 --> 00:02:49,701 What's with the fire alarm?! 70 00:02:49,703 --> 00:02:51,770 It soaked my swag stand! 71 00:02:51,772 --> 00:02:53,638 Judy flashed her foop. 72 00:02:53,640 --> 00:02:54,973 Jesus christ. 73 00:02:54,975 --> 00:02:57,710 Can't you keep it in your pants for 24 hours? 74 00:02:57,712 --> 00:03:01,846 I'm sorry. We've all seen your pinkie pokin' out to say howdy! 75 00:03:01,848 --> 00:03:03,382 That's involuntary! 76 00:03:03,384 --> 00:03:05,450 Can you sign our fupas? 77 00:03:05,452 --> 00:03:08,853 I'd be delighted! Somebody loved it. 78 00:03:08,855 --> 00:03:10,655 Charley: Judy, these are the judettes. 79 00:03:10,657 --> 00:03:13,125 They're super fans. There are three of them. 80 00:03:13,127 --> 00:03:16,194 They paid a lot of scroogie for full access. 81 00:03:16,196 --> 00:03:18,130 [ cellphone ringing and buzzing ] 82 00:03:18,132 --> 00:03:19,664 I-I gotta take this. 83 00:03:19,666 --> 00:03:22,867 That is the last time you abuse my muse! 84 00:03:22,869 --> 00:03:23,936 Was it really that bad? 85 00:03:23,938 --> 00:03:25,403 As your best friend, 86 00:03:25,405 --> 00:03:28,407 I know I should lie to make you feel better. 87 00:03:29,410 --> 00:03:33,045 Aaannnd I guess that's the end of that sentence, huh? 88 00:03:35,482 --> 00:03:37,015 Nice one, gut. Ding! 89 00:03:37,017 --> 00:03:39,083 Last time I trust you. 90 00:03:39,085 --> 00:03:41,153 ♪♪ 91 00:03:41,155 --> 00:03:43,888 "find your power. Find your self." 92 00:03:43,890 --> 00:03:45,824 Hmph. Maybe I could see 93 00:03:45,826 --> 00:03:48,160 What this "working out" fuss is about. 94 00:03:48,162 --> 00:03:51,830 Giiiilllian! Can you come install this? 95 00:03:51,832 --> 00:03:53,898 "only you can do the work!" 96 00:03:53,900 --> 00:03:55,634 Uch! Fine. 97 00:03:55,636 --> 00:03:57,269 [ grunting ] 98 00:03:58,705 --> 00:04:01,974 Hi, I'm gazela, your personal power guide. 99 00:04:01,976 --> 00:04:03,642 [ gasps ] so pretttty! 100 00:04:03,644 --> 00:04:05,778 It's time to let go of the old you. 101 00:04:05,780 --> 00:04:07,379 No. I'm scared. 102 00:04:07,381 --> 00:04:09,247 It's okay. We'll do it together. 103 00:04:09,249 --> 00:04:10,515 I'll start tomorrow. 104 00:04:10,517 --> 00:04:13,452 Say hello to your future. 105 00:04:13,454 --> 00:04:15,988 ♪♪ 106 00:04:15,990 --> 00:04:17,255 [ beep, up-tempo music plays ] 107 00:04:17,257 --> 00:04:19,591 No. No, no, no, no! I'm not ready for music! 108 00:04:19,593 --> 00:04:21,059 Go back! 109 00:04:21,061 --> 00:04:22,995 Wax judy: You can't max your potential 110 00:04:22,997 --> 00:04:24,129 If you're yawning. 111 00:04:24,131 --> 00:04:27,065 Try the jks sleep assistant. 112 00:04:27,067 --> 00:04:29,668 Nice save with wax judy. Where was it anyway? 113 00:04:29,670 --> 00:04:32,937 My passenger seat. I use it for the hov lane. 114 00:04:32,939 --> 00:04:34,606 Oh, please, no duck lips! 115 00:04:34,608 --> 00:04:36,208 Or fish gapes. 116 00:04:36,210 --> 00:04:38,076 Meredith. Uh, you got a car, right? 117 00:04:38,078 --> 00:04:39,944 With an empty passenger seat! 118 00:04:39,946 --> 00:04:41,279 Mnh. 119 00:04:41,281 --> 00:04:43,081 Can you, uh, run me across town? 120 00:04:43,083 --> 00:04:44,817 My isuzu's at the shop. 121 00:04:44,819 --> 00:04:47,552 Uh-huh. Just, uh, take mine. 122 00:04:47,554 --> 00:04:50,555 Actually, uh, could you come with me? 123 00:04:50,557 --> 00:04:53,625 I need someone with your temperament for an... 124 00:04:53,627 --> 00:04:55,093 Emotional situation. 125 00:04:55,095 --> 00:04:57,962 Like an emotional support animal? 126 00:04:57,964 --> 00:05:00,098 Uh, more like a niece. Uh... 127 00:05:00,100 --> 00:05:02,434 Not a niece because I hate my actual one. 128 00:05:02,436 --> 00:05:04,903 Didn't you pinch my ass at the harassment workshop 129 00:05:04,905 --> 00:05:05,904 Like nine times? 130 00:05:05,906 --> 00:05:08,240 I was roleplaying! 131 00:05:08,242 --> 00:05:12,711 But, uh, I'm off the sauce now and -- and struggling. 132 00:05:12,713 --> 00:05:15,313 Ughhh. Okay. I'll take you. 133 00:05:15,315 --> 00:05:17,982 But no talking. Music or podcast only. 134 00:05:17,984 --> 00:05:20,519 Yeah, yeah! I'll grab my boombox. 135 00:05:20,521 --> 00:05:23,522 Say your name, and I'll tailor fitness experiences 136 00:05:23,524 --> 00:05:25,590 Based on your mood and vitals. 137 00:05:25,592 --> 00:05:27,259 Judy. [deep voice] judy. 138 00:05:27,261 --> 00:05:28,861 Judy. [squeaky voice] judy. 139 00:05:28,863 --> 00:05:30,195 Judy. [deep voice] judy. 140 00:05:30,197 --> 00:05:31,329 Juddddddy. 141 00:05:31,331 --> 00:05:33,065 [distorted voice] juddddddy. 142 00:05:33,067 --> 00:05:35,400 Jeeeuuuuuudddyyyyyy. 143 00:05:35,402 --> 00:05:38,603 Jeeeuuuuuudddyyyyyy. 144 00:05:38,605 --> 00:05:39,938 Who am I?! 145 00:05:39,940 --> 00:05:43,075 I'm detecting high variations in your heart rate. 146 00:05:43,077 --> 00:05:44,809 What's bothering you, judy? 147 00:05:44,811 --> 00:05:47,546 I feel like my employees are whoring me out 148 00:05:47,548 --> 00:05:49,681 And I don't have the courage to tell them no. 149 00:05:49,683 --> 00:05:52,084 Great! Let's get to work! 150 00:05:52,086 --> 00:05:53,285 Breathe in. 151 00:05:53,287 --> 00:05:54,553 [ inhales deeply ] 152 00:05:54,555 --> 00:05:56,688 [ grunting ] 153 00:05:56,690 --> 00:05:58,090 [ whirring ] 154 00:05:58,092 --> 00:05:59,958 [ cat purring ] 155 00:05:59,960 --> 00:06:01,693 You can exhale. [ exhales sharply ] 156 00:06:01,695 --> 00:06:04,629 And let go of that feeling of "I'm not good enough." 157 00:06:04,631 --> 00:06:05,898 It's still there! 158 00:06:05,900 --> 00:06:08,032 Let's sculpt some thighs! 159 00:06:08,034 --> 00:06:10,368 I overcome. I prevail. 160 00:06:10,370 --> 00:06:12,237 I strive. I win. 161 00:06:12,239 --> 00:06:15,774 I'm not. I can't. I won't. I don't. 162 00:06:15,776 --> 00:06:16,909 Just say no. 163 00:06:16,911 --> 00:06:18,377 Uh...Why? 164 00:06:18,379 --> 00:06:20,512 It's my catchphrase! 165 00:06:20,514 --> 00:06:22,180 Uh, why? 166 00:06:22,182 --> 00:06:24,516 [ gulping ] 167 00:06:24,518 --> 00:06:25,650 Ah. 168 00:06:25,652 --> 00:06:27,852 Give it to me straight, dr. Andy. 169 00:06:27,854 --> 00:06:28,921 [ belches ] 170 00:06:28,923 --> 00:06:31,123 Well...It is a tumor. 171 00:06:31,125 --> 00:06:33,658 There's no way of telling yet whether it's malignant. 172 00:06:33,660 --> 00:06:36,128 We'll know more after the biopsy. 173 00:06:36,130 --> 00:06:39,531 Why?! Why?! 174 00:06:39,533 --> 00:06:40,999 I'm sorry. 175 00:06:41,001 --> 00:06:43,936 I got you so you'd outlive me! 176 00:06:43,938 --> 00:06:45,737 Why, god?! 177 00:06:45,739 --> 00:06:48,807 Why are you doing this to danny zuko?! 178 00:06:48,809 --> 00:06:51,610 [ belches ] ugh... 179 00:06:51,612 --> 00:06:54,279 You are a dangerous goddess 180 00:06:54,281 --> 00:06:57,015 Who isn't afraid of her own power! 181 00:06:57,017 --> 00:06:58,350 I am a dangerous goddess 182 00:06:58,352 --> 00:07:01,620 Who will have, at some point, thighs! 183 00:07:01,622 --> 00:07:04,756 You are sexy, hot, and smart as hell! 184 00:07:04,758 --> 00:07:06,224 [ grunts ] 185 00:07:06,226 --> 00:07:08,160 We're gonna need another ceiling bracket, hank. 186 00:07:08,162 --> 00:07:09,894 [ cellphone rings ] 187 00:07:09,896 --> 00:07:11,229 I'm sexy as hell! 188 00:07:11,231 --> 00:07:12,765 [whispering] you're late for your meet-and-greet. 189 00:07:12,767 --> 00:07:15,233 I need to focus on the me right now. 190 00:07:15,235 --> 00:07:16,901 Screw those groupies! 191 00:07:16,903 --> 00:07:18,703 Uh, she's still tied up. 192 00:07:18,705 --> 00:07:21,573 Yeah, excuse me. Do I have time to use the restroom? 193 00:07:21,575 --> 00:07:22,641 No. 194 00:07:22,643 --> 00:07:24,376 [ gasps ] you're gillian, aren't you? 195 00:07:24,378 --> 00:07:25,978 Like, the gillian. 196 00:07:25,980 --> 00:07:27,512 You've heard of me? 197 00:07:27,514 --> 00:07:30,315 Any true judette would die to meet you -- 198 00:07:30,317 --> 00:07:32,517 The keeper of judy's secrets! 199 00:07:32,519 --> 00:07:35,320 [ chuckles ] I'm no hero, girls. 200 00:07:35,322 --> 00:07:38,256 Just doing my job like any other working stiff. 201 00:07:38,258 --> 00:07:39,858 But, yeah, I know some stuff. 202 00:07:39,860 --> 00:07:42,661 May I ask -- is judy really a black belt? 203 00:07:42,663 --> 00:07:44,463 I heard she had a photographic memory. 204 00:07:44,465 --> 00:07:47,800 That's a dirty-ass lie perpetuated by our enemies! 205 00:07:47,802 --> 00:07:52,404 Say, if someone were to want a hank of hair, judy's hair, 206 00:07:52,406 --> 00:07:54,006 Where would they go to get that? 207 00:07:54,008 --> 00:07:57,742 Ladies, in time, all your questions will be answered. 208 00:07:57,744 --> 00:08:00,412 But first, who wants to hear judy's lunch orders? 209 00:08:00,414 --> 00:08:03,215 Really?! Oh, my god. 210 00:08:03,217 --> 00:08:05,750 Monday -- tuna melt, fruit cup. 211 00:08:05,752 --> 00:08:08,887 Tuesday -- enchiladas suizas, no beans. 212 00:08:08,889 --> 00:08:11,556 Beans tear her ass up! 213 00:08:11,558 --> 00:08:14,226 ♪ a long, long time ago ♪ 214 00:08:14,228 --> 00:08:18,363 Danny loves this song. Especially the 47th verse. 215 00:08:18,365 --> 00:08:22,367 Takes me back to when we met. 216 00:08:22,369 --> 00:08:24,636 Danny belonged to my drinking buddy, lotto, 217 00:08:24,638 --> 00:08:28,573 So named because he, uh, won the lotto once. 218 00:08:28,575 --> 00:08:30,909 By the time I met him, he'd pissed it all away 219 00:08:30,911 --> 00:08:33,245 And was hustling nickels at the swap meet 220 00:08:33,247 --> 00:08:35,047 With danny on the soft shoe. 221 00:08:35,049 --> 00:08:37,449 Not a bad act, and they were doing okay 222 00:08:37,451 --> 00:08:40,252 Until one day don mclean's people showed up 223 00:08:40,254 --> 00:08:41,986 With a cease-and-desist. 224 00:08:41,988 --> 00:08:43,788 They tried to find something else -- 225 00:08:43,790 --> 00:08:46,791 "edmund fitzgerald," "alice's restaurant" -- 226 00:08:46,793 --> 00:08:51,196 But they'd built their entire act around that goddamn song. 227 00:08:51,198 --> 00:08:53,598 In the end, lotto couldn't take it. 228 00:08:53,600 --> 00:08:54,867 He died of heartbreak. 229 00:08:54,869 --> 00:08:57,670 Or he would've if the bear attack hadn't got him first. 230 00:08:57,672 --> 00:09:01,206 Since then, danny and I have been our own act. 231 00:09:01,208 --> 00:09:03,341 Right, boy? [ danny grunts ] 232 00:09:03,343 --> 00:09:04,809 Aaaaaaaaah! 233 00:09:04,811 --> 00:09:06,411 Man on radio: Today on "planet money," 234 00:09:06,413 --> 00:09:08,280 We're talking all about index funds. 235 00:09:08,282 --> 00:09:10,082 You think there's a heaven? 236 00:09:10,084 --> 00:09:12,084 After today? No. 237 00:09:12,086 --> 00:09:13,485 They were invent-- [ click ] 238 00:09:13,487 --> 00:09:14,887 [ somber piano music playing ] 239 00:09:14,889 --> 00:09:16,288 [ click ] true story. When he inv-- 240 00:09:16,290 --> 00:09:17,822 [ rapid clicking, channels changing ] 241 00:09:17,824 --> 00:09:20,158 Ah [bleep] it. Might as well kill myself. 242 00:09:20,160 --> 00:09:22,561 [ grunts ] 243 00:09:22,563 --> 00:09:24,563 So where do we go when we die? 244 00:09:24,565 --> 00:09:26,030 "planet money." 245 00:09:26,032 --> 00:09:29,033 [ dance music thumping ] 246 00:09:29,035 --> 00:09:30,703 [ grunting ] 247 00:09:30,705 --> 00:09:37,242 ♪♪ 248 00:09:37,244 --> 00:09:43,648 ♪♪ 249 00:09:43,650 --> 00:09:45,517 She's always losing her retainer, 250 00:09:45,519 --> 00:09:46,985 So I hold onto it for her. 251 00:09:46,987 --> 00:09:49,922 It's a lot of responsibility but I think I've proven worthy. 252 00:09:49,924 --> 00:09:51,790 -Spit. -[ spits ] 253 00:09:51,792 --> 00:09:53,057 ♪♪ 254 00:09:53,059 --> 00:09:56,995 Excuse me. That -- s-she's completely booked right now! 255 00:09:56,997 --> 00:09:59,664 ♪♪ 256 00:09:59,666 --> 00:10:01,600 We need to practice your keynote speech 257 00:10:01,602 --> 00:10:04,469 So people can forget your kickoff speech. 258 00:10:04,471 --> 00:10:06,939 And we should -- nay, we must 259 00:10:06,941 --> 00:10:10,675 Use the gynecocratic groundswell of businesswomen 260 00:10:10,677 --> 00:10:12,744 To springboard a -- alright! 261 00:10:12,746 --> 00:10:14,947 None of that will be in there. 262 00:10:14,949 --> 00:10:15,948 I want to thank you. 263 00:10:15,950 --> 00:10:18,082 For embarrassing me in front of my peers, 264 00:10:18,084 --> 00:10:21,086 For slapping my name on a bunch of crap nobody wants or needs -- 265 00:10:21,088 --> 00:10:24,289 Not you, gazela -- and for proving me right. 266 00:10:24,291 --> 00:10:25,690 I gotta trust my foop. 267 00:10:25,692 --> 00:10:27,626 And it says I need to spend more time 268 00:10:27,628 --> 00:10:31,696 On jks the person and less on jks the soulless shill. 269 00:10:31,698 --> 00:10:34,833 Paul, can you get judy a banana and stuff it in her mouth? 270 00:10:34,835 --> 00:10:37,235 Because from here, it looks like she's pushing back on us. 271 00:10:37,237 --> 00:10:39,704 I am strong! I am powerful! 272 00:10:39,706 --> 00:10:41,573 And I make my own decisions! 273 00:10:41,575 --> 00:10:46,110 [ gasps ] your jawline! It's flawless! 274 00:10:46,112 --> 00:10:49,848 No. More than that. It's...Actualized. 275 00:10:49,850 --> 00:10:52,517 God, I used to have a chin that could core an apple 276 00:10:52,519 --> 00:10:54,386 And, god damn it, I'm gonna have it again! 277 00:10:54,388 --> 00:10:56,721 If we dream it, we become it. 278 00:10:56,723 --> 00:10:58,657 Ugh! Shut up, you stupid app. 279 00:10:58,659 --> 00:11:00,525 Don't listen to them, queen! 280 00:11:00,527 --> 00:11:02,461 It can't hear you! 281 00:11:02,463 --> 00:11:05,930 She hears me better than anyone in this building. 282 00:11:05,932 --> 00:11:07,199 [ grunts ] 283 00:11:07,201 --> 00:11:09,001 And you can get the [bleep] out. 284 00:11:09,003 --> 00:11:10,469 Ooooooooo, rusted! 285 00:11:10,471 --> 00:11:14,139 Setting boundaries is a healthy step in the right direction. 286 00:11:14,141 --> 00:11:16,875 You're lucky I did my hyper-violent exercises 287 00:11:16,877 --> 00:11:18,811 This morning and I can't fight back. 288 00:11:18,813 --> 00:11:20,813 God, you both need a banana. 289 00:11:22,949 --> 00:11:25,851 Momma sherry: Aww, I can tell you really loved this one. 290 00:11:25,853 --> 00:11:28,586 Is he already dead or we just planning for the future? 291 00:11:28,588 --> 00:11:31,056 No. No, sir, you do not! 292 00:11:31,058 --> 00:11:32,924 Stillllll with us. 293 00:11:32,926 --> 00:11:35,527 Uh-huh. Well, now's not the time to skimp. 294 00:11:35,529 --> 00:11:38,263 Dog with bucket hat: Why? Whyyy?! 295 00:11:38,265 --> 00:11:41,066 Whyyyyy?! Why?! 296 00:11:41,068 --> 00:11:43,935 This feels wrong. I need air. 297 00:11:43,937 --> 00:11:45,737 Husbands, eh? 298 00:11:45,739 --> 00:11:49,074 So, uh, how long you two been knockin' boots? 299 00:11:49,076 --> 00:11:51,943 What?! [ laughs ] 300 00:11:51,945 --> 00:11:53,145 No, I-I -- [ clears throat ] 301 00:11:53,147 --> 00:11:55,681 No, he's more like a pervy uncle to me, 302 00:11:55,683 --> 00:11:58,083 You know, with, like, a metoo allegation? 303 00:11:58,085 --> 00:12:01,219 So why have you had one eye glued to his tuchus 304 00:12:01,221 --> 00:12:03,221 The whole time you been here? 305 00:12:03,223 --> 00:12:06,291 Trust me -- he will have you for his own. 306 00:12:06,293 --> 00:12:08,827 Mm-hmm. We'll take the cheap one. 307 00:12:08,829 --> 00:12:12,364 I got the mix options for tonight's party ken sebben. 308 00:12:12,366 --> 00:12:13,765 We got a judy problem. 309 00:12:13,767 --> 00:12:16,634 I knew it. She has been on a tear! 310 00:12:16,636 --> 00:12:18,837 Huh. She's early this month. 311 00:12:18,839 --> 00:12:21,239 We're going to ignore that because I need you 312 00:12:21,241 --> 00:12:23,709 On standby in case she's a no-show for her speech. 313 00:12:23,711 --> 00:12:25,443 Anyone wants their money back, 314 00:12:25,445 --> 00:12:27,312 There's no one for me to pin it on. 315 00:12:27,314 --> 00:12:28,714 I am in. 316 00:12:28,716 --> 00:12:29,981 If there's one thing I know, 317 00:12:29,983 --> 00:12:33,118 It's how to prolong pleasure for women. 318 00:12:33,120 --> 00:12:34,119 I'm so sorry. 319 00:12:34,121 --> 00:12:36,188 I act out whenever I'm in the minority. 320 00:12:36,190 --> 00:12:41,059 My therapist calls it "propping up the male ego." 321 00:12:41,061 --> 00:12:42,928 You should try it sometime. 322 00:12:42,930 --> 00:12:47,665 We've strengthened your body. Now let's turn inward. 323 00:12:47,667 --> 00:12:51,269 Let go of the things that don't serve you, judy. 324 00:12:51,271 --> 00:12:53,939 You don't have any control over your life. 325 00:12:53,941 --> 00:12:57,675 I pull the strings! You're a trained monkey! 326 00:12:57,677 --> 00:12:59,010 [ laughs ] 327 00:12:59,012 --> 00:13:00,345 You have food in your teeth. 328 00:13:00,347 --> 00:13:02,013 You always have food in your teeth, 329 00:13:02,015 --> 00:13:03,815 And you always will, 330 00:13:03,817 --> 00:13:06,218 And for some reason it's always kale. 331 00:13:06,220 --> 00:13:08,153 I want you to fail. 332 00:13:08,155 --> 00:13:09,221 Judy: Dinner time! 333 00:13:09,223 --> 00:13:11,623 Birdcat: Hate. Judy. Car. Car. 334 00:13:11,625 --> 00:13:13,225 Gazela: Now think of those 335 00:13:13,227 --> 00:13:15,761 Who light you up from the inside. 336 00:13:15,763 --> 00:13:18,363 Enchiladas suizas! 337 00:13:18,365 --> 00:13:20,966 Healthy lunch, healthy butt. 338 00:13:20,968 --> 00:13:24,302 One hank of hair. It'll grow back. 339 00:13:24,304 --> 00:13:27,906 You are strong. You are judy. 340 00:13:27,908 --> 00:13:31,577 We are strong. We are judy. 341 00:13:31,579 --> 00:13:33,178 [ whirring ] 342 00:13:33,180 --> 00:13:37,016 Hank! I need to let go of what does not serve me! 343 00:13:43,591 --> 00:13:45,190 This is her wide tooth comb. 344 00:13:45,192 --> 00:13:47,793 Oh, and here is her fine tooth comb. 345 00:13:47,795 --> 00:13:49,861 We used it last year with a little tea tree oil 346 00:13:49,863 --> 00:13:51,663 When she got lice. 347 00:13:51,665 --> 00:13:53,198 I used to love those appointments at school 348 00:13:53,200 --> 00:13:55,801 When they would massage my head and look for lice. 349 00:13:55,803 --> 00:13:58,404 Oh, and here's a birthday card from her aunt. 350 00:13:58,406 --> 00:13:59,671 Cursive writing. 351 00:13:59,673 --> 00:14:01,072 Judy: Look alive, judettes! 352 00:14:01,074 --> 00:14:04,276 Let's get you your laminate's worth. 353 00:14:04,278 --> 00:14:07,545 I need a team meeting with you two in the board room. 354 00:14:07,547 --> 00:14:09,048 Now! 355 00:14:11,619 --> 00:14:12,884 [ clunk ] 356 00:14:12,886 --> 00:14:15,254 That's the end. I undershot it. 357 00:14:17,825 --> 00:14:19,157 I undershot it. 358 00:14:19,159 --> 00:14:20,892 It's fine. I can do this anywhere. 359 00:14:20,894 --> 00:14:23,295 My power comes from within. 360 00:14:23,297 --> 00:14:25,764 Oop. If you're headed in, you might want to give 'er 361 00:14:25,766 --> 00:14:29,301 A couple of door swings to air things out. 362 00:14:29,303 --> 00:14:30,836 -Oh! -Mnh-mnh-mnh. 363 00:14:30,838 --> 00:14:32,037 Thank you for admitting 364 00:14:32,039 --> 00:14:33,972 You've been acting absolutely batshit. 365 00:14:33,974 --> 00:14:35,707 We accept your apology. 366 00:14:35,709 --> 00:14:37,443 [ clang ] 367 00:14:37,445 --> 00:14:41,513 I-I have a new team who wants what's best for me, so... 368 00:14:41,515 --> 00:14:44,983 I no longer need you. 369 00:14:44,985 --> 00:14:47,052 Either of you. Two. 370 00:14:47,054 --> 00:14:50,922 Wait. Are you...Firing us? 371 00:14:50,924 --> 00:14:53,124 Hah! Judy's incapable of firing anyone. 372 00:14:53,126 --> 00:14:54,926 You know how it seems like you're done 373 00:14:54,928 --> 00:14:57,129 But you're not quite? 374 00:14:58,265 --> 00:15:02,200 Wait. She is. She's firing us. 375 00:15:02,202 --> 00:15:03,535 She is. I overcome. 376 00:15:03,537 --> 00:15:05,403 I prevail. I strive. 377 00:15:05,405 --> 00:15:07,539 Whoa. That's some good software. 378 00:15:07,541 --> 00:15:09,541 Brian: The originally scheduled keynote address, 379 00:15:09,543 --> 00:15:12,077 "follow your voice, not mine," by judy ken sebben, 380 00:15:12,079 --> 00:15:13,679 Has been canceled. [ audience murmurs ] 381 00:15:13,681 --> 00:15:16,614 Please welcome brian o'brien "the third" on... 382 00:15:16,616 --> 00:15:19,551 "what we can learn from 400 years of white men." 383 00:15:19,553 --> 00:15:22,554 [ "heavy action" plays ] 384 00:15:22,556 --> 00:15:25,891 I'm about to blow your minds with this take. 385 00:15:25,893 --> 00:15:28,093 Penicillin. The philly cheese steak. 386 00:15:28,095 --> 00:15:30,762 "jumpin' jack flash," the song and the movie. 387 00:15:30,764 --> 00:15:33,565 Coolers with wheels. Wars. Jam bands. 388 00:15:33,567 --> 00:15:36,635 What do all of these seemingly disparate things have in common? 389 00:15:37,971 --> 00:15:40,172 They were brought to you through the artistry 390 00:15:40,174 --> 00:15:43,041 And bold leadership of the white male. 391 00:15:43,043 --> 00:15:44,109 We are misunderstood. 392 00:15:44,111 --> 00:15:46,044 Our ways, not so mysterious. 393 00:15:46,046 --> 00:15:48,646 But over the next several hours, I'll share with you 394 00:15:48,648 --> 00:15:50,315 How we became so magnificent 395 00:15:50,317 --> 00:15:53,185 And how you can be just as good as us. 396 00:15:53,187 --> 00:15:54,186 Almost. 397 00:15:54,188 --> 00:15:55,987 She [bleep] fired us. 398 00:15:55,989 --> 00:15:57,789 Gazela fired us. 399 00:15:57,791 --> 00:16:00,125 Judy's a dehydrated bystander. 400 00:16:00,127 --> 00:16:03,128 One big powerade makes this all go away. 401 00:16:03,130 --> 00:16:06,198 You pushed her too far. And I pushed you pushing her. 402 00:16:06,200 --> 00:16:09,201 Look. It's my nature to go too far. 403 00:16:09,203 --> 00:16:11,002 People love that about me. 404 00:16:11,004 --> 00:16:12,538 [ cellphone rings ] 405 00:16:12,540 --> 00:16:14,406 Dog with bucket hat: It occurred to me 406 00:16:14,408 --> 00:16:17,275 I never told you how danny and I became friends. 407 00:16:17,277 --> 00:16:18,676 Yes. You did. 408 00:16:18,678 --> 00:16:22,480 I was running a five stack game in a chop shop downtown... 409 00:16:22,482 --> 00:16:23,681 Augggggh! 410 00:16:23,683 --> 00:16:26,084 I was security. Danny ran the door. 411 00:16:26,086 --> 00:16:27,619 There was an altercation. [ gunfire ] 412 00:16:27,621 --> 00:16:29,487 By the time I got to my backup piece, 413 00:16:29,489 --> 00:16:32,490 The room was dead and danny had taken one to the chest. 414 00:16:32,492 --> 00:16:36,228 I ran him to my car then accidentally ran over him -- 415 00:16:36,230 --> 00:16:38,430 Don't ask -- then I raced him to a doc 416 00:16:38,432 --> 00:16:41,233 I heard took cash and didn't ask a lotta questions. 417 00:16:41,235 --> 00:16:45,237 Dr. Andy patched you up real good, didn't he, danny? 418 00:16:45,239 --> 00:16:47,239 You were a good niece to me. [ line clicks ] 419 00:16:47,241 --> 00:16:50,842 Oof. I am doing more emotional labor today. 420 00:16:50,844 --> 00:16:53,379 ♪♪ 421 00:16:53,381 --> 00:16:54,980 [ danny grunting ] 422 00:16:54,982 --> 00:16:57,715 See you in the void, old friend. 423 00:16:57,717 --> 00:16:59,517 [ tires squeal ] 424 00:16:59,519 --> 00:17:00,786 [ engine revs ] 425 00:17:00,788 --> 00:17:01,987 [ tires screech ] 426 00:17:01,989 --> 00:17:05,190 I can't! I got too much to live for! 427 00:17:05,192 --> 00:17:06,658 You understand, don't you? 428 00:17:06,660 --> 00:17:08,126 [ cellphone rings ] 429 00:17:08,128 --> 00:17:11,797 Oh, hey, dr. Andy. Not a great time. 430 00:17:11,799 --> 00:17:13,331 Dr. Andy. 431 00:17:13,333 --> 00:17:15,066 Dr. Andy: Listen. I probably should've 432 00:17:15,068 --> 00:17:17,002 Thought of this earlier, but you know how iguanas 433 00:17:17,004 --> 00:17:18,536 Lose their tails and then they grow back? 434 00:17:18,538 --> 00:17:21,473 Well, what if we just let this tail fall off 435 00:17:21,475 --> 00:17:23,475 And then, boom, problem solved? 436 00:17:23,477 --> 00:17:25,944 Oh, you're a horrible [bleep] doctor. 437 00:17:25,946 --> 00:17:28,079 Danny boy, you're gonna make it! 438 00:17:28,081 --> 00:17:29,748 [ wheels rolling ] 439 00:17:29,750 --> 00:17:31,082 [ engine revs ] 440 00:17:31,084 --> 00:17:33,018 [ tires squealing ] 441 00:17:33,020 --> 00:17:35,421 [ drill whirring, horn honks ] 442 00:17:35,423 --> 00:17:37,823 Weird how every time we have a drink you forget your wallet, 443 00:17:37,825 --> 00:17:40,092 Except for it's not weird because you do it every time 444 00:17:40,094 --> 00:17:42,227 So it's totally premeditated. Ah ha ha! 445 00:17:42,229 --> 00:17:45,297 [ horn blaring ] um, isn't that your car? 446 00:17:45,299 --> 00:17:48,300 [ car alarm blaring ] 447 00:17:48,302 --> 00:17:51,169 Something in my foop doesn't feel right. 448 00:17:51,171 --> 00:17:53,639 Growing pains. Hey. Look at me. 449 00:17:53,641 --> 00:17:55,240 You did the right thing. 450 00:17:55,242 --> 00:17:58,444 Those failures don't know what's best for us. 451 00:17:58,446 --> 00:17:59,845 For me, you mean. 452 00:17:59,847 --> 00:18:02,448 Okay, I know you're programmed to sound like 453 00:18:02,450 --> 00:18:04,650 We're actually talking, but that was nuts. 454 00:18:04,652 --> 00:18:05,917 We're so close. 455 00:18:05,919 --> 00:18:07,585 Don't let meredith and charley 456 00:18:07,587 --> 00:18:09,387 Claw their way back into your life 457 00:18:09,389 --> 00:18:12,190 Just as we're about to commence phase 3. 458 00:18:12,192 --> 00:18:13,725 You can see me! 459 00:18:13,727 --> 00:18:17,062 Data capitalism isn't tomorrow's problem! 460 00:18:17,064 --> 00:18:19,064 [ clang ] 461 00:18:19,066 --> 00:18:21,066 ♪♪ 462 00:18:21,068 --> 00:18:23,469 Don't let them claw their way back in. 463 00:18:23,471 --> 00:18:26,872 Silence the naysayers. Follow your own voice. 464 00:18:26,874 --> 00:18:28,806 ♪♪ 465 00:18:28,808 --> 00:18:31,009 Are you here to save us? 466 00:18:31,011 --> 00:18:32,344 Yes! 467 00:18:32,346 --> 00:18:34,146 You have kale in your teeth. 468 00:18:34,148 --> 00:18:35,814 You're welcome. 469 00:18:35,816 --> 00:18:37,282 Ouch. 470 00:18:37,284 --> 00:18:40,285 That's right. It's me. And you. 471 00:18:40,287 --> 00:18:43,021 Our best future self, together. 472 00:18:43,023 --> 00:18:46,224 Birdcat: Wake. The [bleep] up. 473 00:18:46,226 --> 00:18:48,226 You're a monster! 474 00:18:48,228 --> 00:18:50,095 Blame yourself. You're the ceo. 475 00:18:50,097 --> 00:18:51,830 Look in a mirror! 476 00:18:51,832 --> 00:18:53,165 Oh, not -- not this one. 477 00:18:53,167 --> 00:18:54,966 You weren't helping me find my voice. 478 00:18:54,968 --> 00:18:56,634 You were using me! 479 00:18:56,636 --> 00:18:59,838 I really, finally, can trust my gut. 480 00:18:59,840 --> 00:19:04,242 Yours, sculpted and rock hard, is a liar! 481 00:19:04,244 --> 00:19:06,512 [ grunts ] I'm nothing like you! 482 00:19:06,514 --> 00:19:08,914 Oh, yes. Yes, you are! 483 00:19:08,916 --> 00:19:12,584 I'm the part of you who isn't afraid of success. 484 00:19:12,586 --> 00:19:15,253 ♪♪ 485 00:19:15,255 --> 00:19:17,523 [ judy grunting ] 486 00:19:17,525 --> 00:19:23,195 ♪♪ 487 00:19:23,197 --> 00:19:25,531 This is bullshit! 488 00:19:25,533 --> 00:19:28,734 Oh, my god. I might actually have to get a real job. 489 00:19:28,736 --> 00:19:30,402 [ grunting ] paa-shawww. 490 00:19:30,404 --> 00:19:33,471 Shut up and eat your muffin. 491 00:19:33,473 --> 00:19:36,007 Gazela: Out of my way! 492 00:19:36,009 --> 00:19:38,476 I have a keynote speech to give. 493 00:19:38,478 --> 00:19:40,278 Birdgirl: Yeah, yeah, she escaped. 494 00:19:40,280 --> 00:19:42,214 But before she did, she showed me our future, 495 00:19:42,216 --> 00:19:44,816 And it's, uh, probably best if you help me stop her. 496 00:19:44,818 --> 00:19:47,085 Birdteam, go! 497 00:19:47,087 --> 00:19:48,620 [slurring] joke's on you. 498 00:19:48,622 --> 00:19:51,089 I was about to fall over anyway. 499 00:19:51,091 --> 00:19:58,496 ♪♪ 500 00:19:58,498 --> 00:20:02,034 Meredith: Oof. Why on earth did your dad build this devil's den? 501 00:20:02,036 --> 00:20:04,169 Charley: Whoa! Nine birdgirls. 502 00:20:04,171 --> 00:20:08,173 And one chin that can core a goddamn apple slice! 503 00:20:08,175 --> 00:20:10,976 Shush! [ sniffs ] scented soy candle. 504 00:20:10,978 --> 00:20:12,911 She's close. 505 00:20:12,913 --> 00:20:14,380 You could've had it all. 506 00:20:14,382 --> 00:20:15,781 [ zapping ] 507 00:20:15,783 --> 00:20:19,117 But unfortunately, you've chosen a life of "can't" 508 00:20:19,119 --> 00:20:21,519 With your flabby friends. 509 00:20:21,521 --> 00:20:25,057 I'm just gonna have to set a boundary with you. 510 00:20:25,059 --> 00:20:27,725 A final boundary. 511 00:20:27,727 --> 00:20:29,795 [ grunting ] 512 00:20:29,797 --> 00:20:37,002 ♪♪ 513 00:20:37,004 --> 00:20:39,204 Come on! 514 00:20:40,074 --> 00:20:41,673 I can't tell what's real. 515 00:20:41,675 --> 00:20:44,142 If you accidentally shoot something in the head, 516 00:20:44,144 --> 00:20:45,711 Make sure it's not me. 517 00:20:48,282 --> 00:20:50,548 Bringing us to the 14th century, 518 00:20:50,550 --> 00:20:52,751 Something I like to call a renaissance. 519 00:20:52,753 --> 00:20:53,819 [ gazela growls ] 520 00:20:53,821 --> 00:20:55,153 [ audience gasps ] 521 00:20:55,155 --> 00:20:57,222 Ugh! [ grunting ] 522 00:20:57,224 --> 00:20:59,157 Jks fans... 523 00:20:59,159 --> 00:21:01,827 Today we dominate! 524 00:21:01,829 --> 00:21:03,761 [ cheers and applause ] 525 00:21:03,763 --> 00:21:04,763 With my leadership, 526 00:21:04,765 --> 00:21:08,900 The world will fall to its knees before us! 527 00:21:08,902 --> 00:21:10,302 Look at you. 528 00:21:10,304 --> 00:21:12,037 Repulsive, weak bodies. 529 00:21:12,039 --> 00:21:16,574 Weak minds looking to jud-- to us -- for answers. 530 00:21:16,576 --> 00:21:17,843 Rise now! 531 00:21:17,845 --> 00:21:22,848 Get off your meaty haunches and stand as one. 532 00:21:22,850 --> 00:21:24,049 That's fat-shaming! 533 00:21:24,051 --> 00:21:26,318 If you weren't so fat, I wouldn't exist! 534 00:21:26,320 --> 00:21:29,254 Eh, not so fast. Cool your talons. 535 00:21:29,256 --> 00:21:31,490 [ audience jeering ] 536 00:21:36,930 --> 00:21:38,330 You'll never be judy! 537 00:21:38,332 --> 00:21:40,265 [ audience jeering ] 538 00:21:40,267 --> 00:21:43,135 We should probably step in before they kill her. 539 00:21:43,137 --> 00:21:44,936 Eh, let 'em have some fun. 540 00:21:44,938 --> 00:21:47,005 Now, those are true fans. 541 00:21:47,007 --> 00:21:49,274 [ monitor beeping ] 542 00:21:49,276 --> 00:21:50,942 Anyone else love hospitals? 543 00:21:50,944 --> 00:21:55,147 -Oh, god. Is it bad? -Danny's gonna be just fine! 544 00:21:55,149 --> 00:21:58,950 Dr. Andy, you magnificent bastard! 545 00:21:58,952 --> 00:22:01,387 We're, uh -- we're gonna need a ride home. 546 00:22:02,857 --> 00:22:04,223 Dr. Andy, you magnificent bastard! 547 00:22:04,225 --> 00:22:05,857 Hey! Birdgirl! 548 00:22:05,859 --> 00:22:07,526 ♪ wings of fire, unique like pearls ♪ 549 00:22:07,528 --> 00:22:09,194 Hey! Birdgirl! 550 00:22:09,196 --> 00:22:11,062 ♪ who's the one they can't defeat? ♪ 551 00:22:11,064 --> 00:22:12,664 Hey! Birdgirl! 552 00:22:12,666 --> 00:22:14,199 ♪ ultra fierce, and it's all you need ♪ 553 00:22:14,201 --> 00:22:17,536 Hey! Birdgirl! 554 00:22:17,538 --> 00:22:19,671 Hey! [ imitating fanfare ] 555 00:22:19,673 --> 00:22:21,106 Birdgirl! 556 00:22:22,409 --> 00:22:25,277 Made in georgia.