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00:00:02,469 --> 00:00:05,804
Welcome to judycon --
no cameras, no phones.
2
00:00:05,806 --> 00:00:08,073
Raffle tickets go in the box.
3
00:00:08,075 --> 00:00:10,075
Sharp objects
go back in your car.
4
00:00:10,077 --> 00:00:13,077
Announcer: Enter now to win
lunch hosted by birdcat
5
00:00:13,079 --> 00:00:15,748
Plus the jks inspira-mirror.
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00:00:15,750 --> 00:00:18,750
Please make your way
to the conestoga room
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00:00:18,752 --> 00:00:22,887
For the jks kickoff speech.
[ techno dance music playing ]
8
00:00:22,889 --> 00:00:26,224
This is great.
And I never say that.
No.
9
00:00:26,226 --> 00:00:28,627
Great would've been if you'd
cleared this with me
10
00:00:28,629 --> 00:00:31,029
Before slapping my name
on a random event to make money.
11
00:00:31,031 --> 00:00:34,299
Random event? It's
the jks leadership conference
12
00:00:34,301 --> 00:00:35,634
Product line roll out.
13
00:00:35,636 --> 00:00:38,903
With kerri strug.
Who doesn't do
random events.
14
00:00:38,905 --> 00:00:41,306
Wow, this stuff is
almost perfectly...
15
00:00:41,308 --> 00:00:43,842
Packaged?
Retrograde.
Who wrote this?
16
00:00:43,844 --> 00:00:45,710
Guiltish.
I've got your voice down pat.
17
00:00:45,712 --> 00:00:47,646
"oh my god,
who wrote this?"
18
00:00:47,648 --> 00:00:49,381
She said with
a hint of disdain.
19
00:00:49,383 --> 00:00:52,917
[ music continues ]
20
00:00:52,919 --> 00:00:56,054
Jude, I know technically
we didn't ask your permission
21
00:00:56,056 --> 00:00:57,990
But only because
we didn't have time
22
00:00:57,992 --> 00:00:59,591
To pretend you have
any control over your life.
23
00:00:59,593 --> 00:01:01,393
[ cheers and applause ]
24
00:01:01,395 --> 00:01:03,328
I feel like I'm being used.
25
00:01:03,330 --> 00:01:05,397
And surprise!
I don't like feeling used.
26
00:01:05,399 --> 00:01:09,734
You are being used,
but you're still in control.
27
00:01:09,736 --> 00:01:11,936
Look, there's
a huge market out there
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00:01:11,938 --> 00:01:13,672
For feel-good
inspirational crap
29
00:01:13,674 --> 00:01:17,476
And your demo, single
working women ages 32 to 40
30
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With imaginary
gluten allergies,
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00:01:19,480 --> 00:01:21,880
Are open for business.
32
00:01:21,882 --> 00:01:24,149
I guess.
Now get out there
33
00:01:24,151 --> 00:01:26,284
And do exactly
as you're told --
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00:01:26,286 --> 00:01:27,686
But as yourself.
35
00:01:27,688 --> 00:01:28,953
The way I'm telling you
to be.
36
00:01:28,955 --> 00:01:31,423
Flying is just walking
with sparkle.
37
00:01:31,425 --> 00:01:32,557
You taught me that.
38
00:01:32,559 --> 00:01:34,159
Blame him.
39
00:01:34,161 --> 00:01:38,096
So when people say, "judy,
what's your secret,"
40
00:01:38,098 --> 00:01:43,502
I say: My jks power planner with
color-coded affirmation inserts.
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00:01:43,504 --> 00:01:44,569
[ cheers and applause ]
42
00:01:44,571 --> 00:01:45,437
Nailed it.
43
00:01:46,573 --> 00:01:49,108
So,
is today the day you...?
44
00:01:51,311 --> 00:01:54,046
[ sighs ]
this isn't the real me.
45
00:01:54,048 --> 00:01:57,249
Oh, god, no,
that's her riffing face.
46
00:01:57,251 --> 00:01:58,917
The real me doesn't
talk like this.
47
00:01:58,919 --> 00:02:02,454
The real me says I am who I am
48
00:02:02,456 --> 00:02:06,324
Even if that me isn't who you
or even I want me to be!
49
00:02:06,326 --> 00:02:07,325
Exactly!
50
00:02:07,327 --> 00:02:08,861
Meredith:
Not now, kerri strug.
51
00:02:08,863 --> 00:02:11,530
And this?
This was written for me!
52
00:02:11,532 --> 00:02:15,534
The real me shoots
from the hip and...
53
00:02:15,536 --> 00:02:17,202
Trusts. Her.
54
00:02:17,204 --> 00:02:19,137
Gut!
[ woman screams, audience gasps,
glass shatters ]
55
00:02:19,139 --> 00:02:21,740
[ audience muttering ]
56
00:02:21,742 --> 00:02:23,141
Ding!
57
00:02:24,144 --> 00:02:27,812
[ fire alarm beeping,
audience screaming ]
58
00:02:27,814 --> 00:02:29,814
I'll take my 100
in cash.
59
00:02:29,816 --> 00:02:31,349
♪ hey! ♪
60
00:02:31,351 --> 00:02:33,017
[ rapping ] ♪ who's the girl
that saves the world? ♪
61
00:02:33,019 --> 00:02:34,352
♪ hey! ♪
62
00:02:34,354 --> 00:02:35,754
[ rapping ] ♪ oh, my god,
oh, my god, oh, my god ♪
63
00:02:35,756 --> 00:02:37,622
[ imitating fanfare ] birdgirl!
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00:02:37,624 --> 00:02:39,424
Now, that was great.
65
00:02:39,426 --> 00:02:41,226
You just had to do it,
didn't you?
66
00:02:41,228 --> 00:02:42,895
Just had to
whip out your dick.
67
00:02:42,897 --> 00:02:44,496
-Fupa.
-Fupa?
68
00:02:44,498 --> 00:02:48,233
The thing you just flicked with
your finger and went "ding!"
69
00:02:48,235 --> 00:02:49,701
What's with
the fire alarm?!
70
00:02:49,703 --> 00:02:51,770
It soaked my swag stand!
71
00:02:51,772 --> 00:02:53,638
Judy flashed her foop.
72
00:02:53,640 --> 00:02:54,973
Jesus christ.
73
00:02:54,975 --> 00:02:57,710
Can't you keep it
in your pants for 24 hours?
74
00:02:57,712 --> 00:03:01,846
I'm sorry. We've all seen your
pinkie pokin' out to say howdy!
75
00:03:01,848 --> 00:03:03,382
That's involuntary!
76
00:03:03,384 --> 00:03:05,450
Can you sign our fupas?
77
00:03:05,452 --> 00:03:08,853
I'd be delighted!
Somebody loved it.
78
00:03:08,855 --> 00:03:10,655
Charley: Judy,
these are the judettes.
79
00:03:10,657 --> 00:03:13,125
They're super fans.
There are three of them.
80
00:03:13,127 --> 00:03:16,194
They paid a lot of scroogie
for full access.
81
00:03:16,196 --> 00:03:18,130
[ cellphone ringing
and buzzing ]
82
00:03:18,132 --> 00:03:19,664
I-I gotta take this.
83
00:03:19,666 --> 00:03:22,867
That is the last time
you abuse my muse!
84
00:03:22,869 --> 00:03:23,936
Was it really that bad?
85
00:03:23,938 --> 00:03:25,403
As your best friend,
86
00:03:25,405 --> 00:03:28,407
I know I should lie
to make you feel better.
87
00:03:29,410 --> 00:03:33,045
Aaannnd I guess that's the end
of that sentence, huh?
88
00:03:35,482 --> 00:03:37,015
Nice one, gut. Ding!
89
00:03:37,017 --> 00:03:39,083
Last time I trust you.
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00:03:39,085 --> 00:03:41,153
♪♪
91
00:03:41,155 --> 00:03:43,888
"find your power.
Find your self."
92
00:03:43,890 --> 00:03:45,824
Hmph. Maybe I could see
93
00:03:45,826 --> 00:03:48,160
What this "working out" fuss
is about.
94
00:03:48,162 --> 00:03:51,830
Giiiilllian!
Can you come install this?
95
00:03:51,832 --> 00:03:53,898
"only you can do the work!"
96
00:03:53,900 --> 00:03:55,634
Uch! Fine.
97
00:03:55,636 --> 00:03:57,269
[ grunting ]
98
00:03:58,705 --> 00:04:01,974
Hi, I'm gazela,
your personal power guide.
99
00:04:01,976 --> 00:04:03,642
[ gasps ]
so pretttty!
100
00:04:03,644 --> 00:04:05,778
It's time to let go
of the old you.
101
00:04:05,780 --> 00:04:07,379
No. I'm scared.
102
00:04:07,381 --> 00:04:09,247
It's okay.
We'll do it together.
103
00:04:09,249 --> 00:04:10,515
I'll start tomorrow.
104
00:04:10,517 --> 00:04:13,452
Say hello
to your future.
105
00:04:13,454 --> 00:04:15,988
♪♪
106
00:04:15,990 --> 00:04:17,255
[ beep, up-tempo music plays ]
107
00:04:17,257 --> 00:04:19,591
No. No, no, no, no!
I'm not ready for music!
108
00:04:19,593 --> 00:04:21,059
Go back!
109
00:04:21,061 --> 00:04:22,995
Wax judy: You can't max
your potential
110
00:04:22,997 --> 00:04:24,129
If you're yawning.
111
00:04:24,131 --> 00:04:27,065
Try the jks sleep assistant.
112
00:04:27,067 --> 00:04:29,668
Nice save with wax judy.
Where was it anyway?
113
00:04:29,670 --> 00:04:32,937
My passenger seat.
I use it for the hov lane.
114
00:04:32,939 --> 00:04:34,606
Oh, please,
no duck lips!
115
00:04:34,608 --> 00:04:36,208
Or fish gapes.
116
00:04:36,210 --> 00:04:38,076
Meredith.
Uh, you got a car, right?
117
00:04:38,078 --> 00:04:39,944
With an empty
passenger seat!
118
00:04:39,946 --> 00:04:41,279
Mnh.
119
00:04:41,281 --> 00:04:43,081
Can you, uh,
run me across town?
120
00:04:43,083 --> 00:04:44,817
My isuzu's at the shop.
121
00:04:44,819 --> 00:04:47,552
Uh-huh.
Just, uh, take mine.
122
00:04:47,554 --> 00:04:50,555
Actually, uh,
could you come with me?
123
00:04:50,557 --> 00:04:53,625
I need someone with
your temperament for an...
124
00:04:53,627 --> 00:04:55,093
Emotional situation.
125
00:04:55,095 --> 00:04:57,962
Like an emotional
support animal?
126
00:04:57,964 --> 00:05:00,098
Uh, more like a niece.
Uh...
127
00:05:00,100 --> 00:05:02,434
Not a niece because
I hate my actual one.
128
00:05:02,436 --> 00:05:04,903
Didn't you pinch my ass
at the harassment workshop
129
00:05:04,905 --> 00:05:05,904
Like nine times?
130
00:05:05,906 --> 00:05:08,240
I was roleplaying!
131
00:05:08,242 --> 00:05:12,711
But, uh, I'm off the sauce now
and -- and struggling.
132
00:05:12,713 --> 00:05:15,313
Ughhh. Okay.
I'll take you.
133
00:05:15,315 --> 00:05:17,982
But no talking.
Music or podcast only.
134
00:05:17,984 --> 00:05:20,519
Yeah, yeah!
I'll grab my boombox.
135
00:05:20,521 --> 00:05:23,522
Say your name, and I'll tailor
fitness experiences
136
00:05:23,524 --> 00:05:25,590
Based on your mood
and vitals.
137
00:05:25,592 --> 00:05:27,259
Judy.
[deep voice] judy.
138
00:05:27,261 --> 00:05:28,861
Judy.
[squeaky voice] judy.
139
00:05:28,863 --> 00:05:30,195
Judy.
[deep voice] judy.
140
00:05:30,197 --> 00:05:31,329
Juddddddy.
141
00:05:31,331 --> 00:05:33,065
[distorted voice]
juddddddy.
142
00:05:33,067 --> 00:05:35,400
Jeeeuuuuuudddyyyyyy.
143
00:05:35,402 --> 00:05:38,603
Jeeeuuuuuudddyyyyyy.
144
00:05:38,605 --> 00:05:39,938
Who am I?!
145
00:05:39,940 --> 00:05:43,075
I'm detecting high variations
in your heart rate.
146
00:05:43,077 --> 00:05:44,809
What's bothering you, judy?
147
00:05:44,811 --> 00:05:47,546
I feel like my employees
are whoring me out
148
00:05:47,548 --> 00:05:49,681
And I don't have the courage
to tell them no.
149
00:05:49,683 --> 00:05:52,084
Great!
Let's get to work!
150
00:05:52,086 --> 00:05:53,285
Breathe in.
151
00:05:53,287 --> 00:05:54,553
[ inhales deeply ]
152
00:05:54,555 --> 00:05:56,688
[ grunting ]
153
00:05:56,690 --> 00:05:58,090
[ whirring ]
154
00:05:58,092 --> 00:05:59,958
[ cat purring ]
155
00:05:59,960 --> 00:06:01,693
You can exhale.
[ exhales sharply ]
156
00:06:01,695 --> 00:06:04,629
And let go of that feeling
of "I'm not good enough."
157
00:06:04,631 --> 00:06:05,898
It's still there!
158
00:06:05,900 --> 00:06:08,032
Let's sculpt some thighs!
159
00:06:08,034 --> 00:06:10,368
I overcome.
I prevail.
160
00:06:10,370 --> 00:06:12,237
I strive. I win.
161
00:06:12,239 --> 00:06:15,774
I'm not. I can't.
I won't. I don't.
162
00:06:15,776 --> 00:06:16,909
Just say no.
163
00:06:16,911 --> 00:06:18,377
Uh...Why?
164
00:06:18,379 --> 00:06:20,512
It's my catchphrase!
165
00:06:20,514 --> 00:06:22,180
Uh, why?
166
00:06:22,182 --> 00:06:24,516
[ gulping ]
167
00:06:24,518 --> 00:06:25,650
Ah.
168
00:06:25,652 --> 00:06:27,852
Give it to me straight,
dr. Andy.
169
00:06:27,854 --> 00:06:28,921
[ belches ]
170
00:06:28,923 --> 00:06:31,123
Well...It is a tumor.
171
00:06:31,125 --> 00:06:33,658
There's no way of telling yet
whether it's malignant.
172
00:06:33,660 --> 00:06:36,128
We'll know more
after the biopsy.
173
00:06:36,130 --> 00:06:39,531
Why?! Why?!
174
00:06:39,533 --> 00:06:40,999
I'm sorry.
175
00:06:41,001 --> 00:06:43,936
I got you
so you'd outlive me!
176
00:06:43,938 --> 00:06:45,737
Why, god?!
177
00:06:45,739 --> 00:06:48,807
Why are you doing this
to danny zuko?!
178
00:06:48,809 --> 00:06:51,610
[ belches ]
ugh...
179
00:06:51,612 --> 00:06:54,279
You are a dangerous goddess
180
00:06:54,281 --> 00:06:57,015
Who isn't afraid
of her own power!
181
00:06:57,017 --> 00:06:58,350
I am a dangerous goddess
182
00:06:58,352 --> 00:07:01,620
Who will have,
at some point, thighs!
183
00:07:01,622 --> 00:07:04,756
You are sexy, hot,
and smart as hell!
184
00:07:04,758 --> 00:07:06,224
[ grunts ]
185
00:07:06,226 --> 00:07:08,160
We're gonna need
another ceiling bracket, hank.
186
00:07:08,162 --> 00:07:09,894
[ cellphone rings ]
187
00:07:09,896 --> 00:07:11,229
I'm sexy as hell!
188
00:07:11,231 --> 00:07:12,765
[whispering] you're late
for your meet-and-greet.
189
00:07:12,767 --> 00:07:15,233
I need to focus
on the me right now.
190
00:07:15,235 --> 00:07:16,901
Screw those groupies!
191
00:07:16,903 --> 00:07:18,703
Uh, she's still tied up.
192
00:07:18,705 --> 00:07:21,573
Yeah, excuse me. Do I have time
to use the restroom?
193
00:07:21,575 --> 00:07:22,641
No.
194
00:07:22,643 --> 00:07:24,376
[ gasps ] you're gillian,
aren't you?
195
00:07:24,378 --> 00:07:25,978
Like, the gillian.
196
00:07:25,980 --> 00:07:27,512
You've heard of me?
197
00:07:27,514 --> 00:07:30,315
Any true judette
would die to meet you --
198
00:07:30,317 --> 00:07:32,517
The keeper
of judy's secrets!
199
00:07:32,519 --> 00:07:35,320
[ chuckles ]
I'm no hero, girls.
200
00:07:35,322 --> 00:07:38,256
Just doing my job
like any other working stiff.
201
00:07:38,258 --> 00:07:39,858
But, yeah,
I know some stuff.
202
00:07:39,860 --> 00:07:42,661
May I ask -- is judy
really a black belt?
203
00:07:42,663 --> 00:07:44,463
I heard she had
a photographic memory.
204
00:07:44,465 --> 00:07:47,800
That's a dirty-ass lie
perpetuated by our enemies!
205
00:07:47,802 --> 00:07:52,404
Say, if someone were to want
a hank of hair, judy's hair,
206
00:07:52,406 --> 00:07:54,006
Where would they go
to get that?
207
00:07:54,008 --> 00:07:57,742
Ladies, in time, all your
questions will be answered.
208
00:07:57,744 --> 00:08:00,412
But first, who wants to hear
judy's lunch orders?
209
00:08:00,414 --> 00:08:03,215
Really?!
Oh, my god.
210
00:08:03,217 --> 00:08:05,750
Monday --
tuna melt, fruit cup.
211
00:08:05,752 --> 00:08:08,887
Tuesday --
enchiladas suizas, no beans.
212
00:08:08,889 --> 00:08:11,556
Beans tear her ass up!
213
00:08:11,558 --> 00:08:14,226
♪ a long, long time ago ♪
214
00:08:14,228 --> 00:08:18,363
Danny loves this song.
Especially the 47th verse.
215
00:08:18,365 --> 00:08:22,367
Takes me back
to when we met.
216
00:08:22,369 --> 00:08:24,636
Danny belonged
to my drinking buddy, lotto,
217
00:08:24,638 --> 00:08:28,573
So named because he, uh,
won the lotto once.
218
00:08:28,575 --> 00:08:30,909
By the time I met him,
he'd pissed it all away
219
00:08:30,911 --> 00:08:33,245
And was hustling nickels
at the swap meet
220
00:08:33,247 --> 00:08:35,047
With danny
on the soft shoe.
221
00:08:35,049 --> 00:08:37,449
Not a bad act,
and they were doing okay
222
00:08:37,451 --> 00:08:40,252
Until one day
don mclean's people showed up
223
00:08:40,254 --> 00:08:41,986
With a cease-and-desist.
224
00:08:41,988 --> 00:08:43,788
They tried to find
something else --
225
00:08:43,790 --> 00:08:46,791
"edmund fitzgerald,"
"alice's restaurant" --
226
00:08:46,793 --> 00:08:51,196
But they'd built their entire
act around that goddamn song.
227
00:08:51,198 --> 00:08:53,598
In the end,
lotto couldn't take it.
228
00:08:53,600 --> 00:08:54,867
He died of heartbreak.
229
00:08:54,869 --> 00:08:57,670
Or he would've if the bear
attack hadn't got him first.
230
00:08:57,672 --> 00:09:01,206
Since then, danny and I
have been our own act.
231
00:09:01,208 --> 00:09:03,341
Right, boy?
[ danny grunts ]
232
00:09:03,343 --> 00:09:04,809
Aaaaaaaaah!
233
00:09:04,811 --> 00:09:06,411
Man on radio:
Today on "planet money,"
234
00:09:06,413 --> 00:09:08,280
We're talking
all about index funds.
235
00:09:08,282 --> 00:09:10,082
You think
there's a heaven?
236
00:09:10,084 --> 00:09:12,084
After today? No.
237
00:09:12,086 --> 00:09:13,485
They were invent--
[ click ]
238
00:09:13,487 --> 00:09:14,887
[ somber piano music playing ]
239
00:09:14,889 --> 00:09:16,288
[ click ]
true story. When he inv--
240
00:09:16,290 --> 00:09:17,822
[ rapid clicking,
channels changing ]
241
00:09:17,824 --> 00:09:20,158
Ah [bleep] it.
Might as well kill myself.
242
00:09:20,160 --> 00:09:22,561
[ grunts ]
243
00:09:22,563 --> 00:09:24,563
So where do we go
when we die?
244
00:09:24,565 --> 00:09:26,030
"planet money."
245
00:09:26,032 --> 00:09:29,033
[ dance music thumping ]
246
00:09:29,035 --> 00:09:30,703
[ grunting ]
247
00:09:30,705 --> 00:09:37,242
♪♪
248
00:09:37,244 --> 00:09:43,648
♪♪
249
00:09:43,650 --> 00:09:45,517
She's always losing
her retainer,
250
00:09:45,519 --> 00:09:46,985
So I hold onto it for her.
251
00:09:46,987 --> 00:09:49,922
It's a lot of responsibility
but I think I've proven worthy.
252
00:09:49,924 --> 00:09:51,790
-Spit.
-[ spits ]
253
00:09:51,792 --> 00:09:53,057
♪♪
254
00:09:53,059 --> 00:09:56,995
Excuse me. That -- s-she's
completely booked right now!
255
00:09:56,997 --> 00:09:59,664
♪♪
256
00:09:59,666 --> 00:10:01,600
We need to practice
your keynote speech
257
00:10:01,602 --> 00:10:04,469
So people can forget
your kickoff speech.
258
00:10:04,471 --> 00:10:06,939
And we should --
nay, we must
259
00:10:06,941 --> 00:10:10,675
Use the gynecocratic
groundswell of businesswomen
260
00:10:10,677 --> 00:10:12,744
To springboard a --
alright!
261
00:10:12,746 --> 00:10:14,947
None of that
will be in there.
262
00:10:14,949 --> 00:10:15,948
I want to thank you.
263
00:10:15,950 --> 00:10:18,082
For embarrassing me
in front of my peers,
264
00:10:18,084 --> 00:10:21,086
For slapping my name on a bunch
of crap nobody wants or needs --
265
00:10:21,088 --> 00:10:24,289
Not you, gazela --
and for proving me right.
266
00:10:24,291 --> 00:10:25,690
I gotta trust my foop.
267
00:10:25,692 --> 00:10:27,626
And it says I need
to spend more time
268
00:10:27,628 --> 00:10:31,696
On jks the person and less
on jks the soulless shill.
269
00:10:31,698 --> 00:10:34,833
Paul, can you get judy a banana
and stuff it in her mouth?
270
00:10:34,835 --> 00:10:37,235
Because from here, it looks like
she's pushing back on us.
271
00:10:37,237 --> 00:10:39,704
I am strong!
I am powerful!
272
00:10:39,706 --> 00:10:41,573
And I make
my own decisions!
273
00:10:41,575 --> 00:10:46,110
[ gasps ] your jawline!
It's flawless!
274
00:10:46,112 --> 00:10:49,848
No. More than that.
It's...Actualized.
275
00:10:49,850 --> 00:10:52,517
God, I used to have a chin
that could core an apple
276
00:10:52,519 --> 00:10:54,386
And, god damn it,
I'm gonna have it again!
277
00:10:54,388 --> 00:10:56,721
If we dream it,
we become it.
278
00:10:56,723 --> 00:10:58,657
Ugh!
Shut up, you stupid app.
279
00:10:58,659 --> 00:11:00,525
Don't listen
to them, queen!
280
00:11:00,527 --> 00:11:02,461
It can't hear you!
281
00:11:02,463 --> 00:11:05,930
She hears me better
than anyone in this building.
282
00:11:05,932 --> 00:11:07,199
[ grunts ]
283
00:11:07,201 --> 00:11:09,001
And you can
get the [bleep] out.
284
00:11:09,003 --> 00:11:10,469
Ooooooooo, rusted!
285
00:11:10,471 --> 00:11:14,139
Setting boundaries is a healthy
step in the right direction.
286
00:11:14,141 --> 00:11:16,875
You're lucky I did my
hyper-violent exercises
287
00:11:16,877 --> 00:11:18,811
This morning
and I can't fight back.
288
00:11:18,813 --> 00:11:20,813
God, you both
need a banana.
289
00:11:22,949 --> 00:11:25,851
Momma sherry: Aww, I can tell
you really loved this one.
290
00:11:25,853 --> 00:11:28,586
Is he already dead or we just
planning for the future?
291
00:11:28,588 --> 00:11:31,056
No. No, sir, you do not!
292
00:11:31,058 --> 00:11:32,924
Stillllll with us.
293
00:11:32,926 --> 00:11:35,527
Uh-huh. Well, now's
not the time to skimp.
294
00:11:35,529 --> 00:11:38,263
Dog with bucket hat:
Why? Whyyy?!
295
00:11:38,265 --> 00:11:41,066
Whyyyyy?! Why?!
296
00:11:41,068 --> 00:11:43,935
This feels wrong.
I need air.
297
00:11:43,937 --> 00:11:45,737
Husbands, eh?
298
00:11:45,739 --> 00:11:49,074
So, uh, how long you two
been knockin' boots?
299
00:11:49,076 --> 00:11:51,943
What?! [ laughs ]
300
00:11:51,945 --> 00:11:53,145
No, I-I -- [ clears throat ]
301
00:11:53,147 --> 00:11:55,681
No, he's more like
a pervy uncle to me,
302
00:11:55,683 --> 00:11:58,083
You know, with, like,
a metoo allegation?
303
00:11:58,085 --> 00:12:01,219
So why have you had
one eye glued to his tuchus
304
00:12:01,221 --> 00:12:03,221
The whole time
you been here?
305
00:12:03,223 --> 00:12:06,291
Trust me -- he will
have you for his own.
306
00:12:06,293 --> 00:12:08,827
Mm-hmm.
We'll take
the cheap one.
307
00:12:08,829 --> 00:12:12,364
I got the mix options
for tonight's party ken sebben.
308
00:12:12,366 --> 00:12:13,765
We got a judy problem.
309
00:12:13,767 --> 00:12:16,634
I knew it.
She has been on a tear!
310
00:12:16,636 --> 00:12:18,837
Huh.
She's early this month.
311
00:12:18,839 --> 00:12:21,239
We're going to ignore that
because I need you
312
00:12:21,241 --> 00:12:23,709
On standby in case
she's a no-show for her speech.
313
00:12:23,711 --> 00:12:25,443
Anyone wants
their money back,
314
00:12:25,445 --> 00:12:27,312
There's no one for me
to pin it on.
315
00:12:27,314 --> 00:12:28,714
I am in.
316
00:12:28,716 --> 00:12:29,981
If there's one thing
I know,
317
00:12:29,983 --> 00:12:33,118
It's how to prolong
pleasure for women.
318
00:12:33,120 --> 00:12:34,119
I'm so sorry.
319
00:12:34,121 --> 00:12:36,188
I act out whenever
I'm in the minority.
320
00:12:36,190 --> 00:12:41,059
My therapist calls it
"propping up the male ego."
321
00:12:41,061 --> 00:12:42,928
You should
try it sometime.
322
00:12:42,930 --> 00:12:47,665
We've strengthened your body.
Now let's turn inward.
323
00:12:47,667 --> 00:12:51,269
Let go of the things
that don't serve you, judy.
324
00:12:51,271 --> 00:12:53,939
You don't have any control
over your life.
325
00:12:53,941 --> 00:12:57,675
I pull the strings!
You're a trained monkey!
326
00:12:57,677 --> 00:12:59,010
[ laughs ]
327
00:12:59,012 --> 00:13:00,345
You have food in your teeth.
328
00:13:00,347 --> 00:13:02,013
You always have food
in your teeth,
329
00:13:02,015 --> 00:13:03,815
And you always will,
330
00:13:03,817 --> 00:13:06,218
And for some reason
it's always kale.
331
00:13:06,220 --> 00:13:08,153
I want you to fail.
332
00:13:08,155 --> 00:13:09,221
Judy:
Dinner time!
333
00:13:09,223 --> 00:13:11,623
Birdcat:
Hate. Judy. Car. Car.
334
00:13:11,625 --> 00:13:13,225
Gazela:
Now think of those
335
00:13:13,227 --> 00:13:15,761
Who light you up
from the inside.
336
00:13:15,763 --> 00:13:18,363
Enchiladas suizas!
337
00:13:18,365 --> 00:13:20,966
Healthy lunch, healthy butt.
338
00:13:20,968 --> 00:13:24,302
One hank of hair.
It'll grow back.
339
00:13:24,304 --> 00:13:27,906
You are strong.
You are judy.
340
00:13:27,908 --> 00:13:31,577
We are strong.
We are judy.
341
00:13:31,579 --> 00:13:33,178
[ whirring ]
342
00:13:33,180 --> 00:13:37,016
Hank! I need to let go
of what does not serve me!
343
00:13:43,591 --> 00:13:45,190
This is her wide tooth comb.
344
00:13:45,192 --> 00:13:47,793
Oh, and here is her
fine tooth comb.
345
00:13:47,795 --> 00:13:49,861
We used it last year
with a little tea tree oil
346
00:13:49,863 --> 00:13:51,663
When she got lice.
347
00:13:51,665 --> 00:13:53,198
I used to love those
appointments at school
348
00:13:53,200 --> 00:13:55,801
When they would massage
my head and look for lice.
349
00:13:55,803 --> 00:13:58,404
Oh, and here's a birthday
card from her aunt.
350
00:13:58,406 --> 00:13:59,671
Cursive writing.
351
00:13:59,673 --> 00:14:01,072
Judy:
Look alive, judettes!
352
00:14:01,074 --> 00:14:04,276
Let's get you
your laminate's worth.
353
00:14:04,278 --> 00:14:07,545
I need a team meeting
with you two in the board room.
354
00:14:07,547 --> 00:14:09,048
Now!
355
00:14:11,619 --> 00:14:12,884
[ clunk ]
356
00:14:12,886 --> 00:14:15,254
That's the end.
I undershot it.
357
00:14:17,825 --> 00:14:19,157
I undershot it.
358
00:14:19,159 --> 00:14:20,892
It's fine.
I can do this anywhere.
359
00:14:20,894 --> 00:14:23,295
My power comes
from within.
360
00:14:23,297 --> 00:14:25,764
Oop. If you're headed in,
you might want to give 'er
361
00:14:25,766 --> 00:14:29,301
A couple of door swings
to air things out.
362
00:14:29,303 --> 00:14:30,836
-Oh!
-Mnh-mnh-mnh.
363
00:14:30,838 --> 00:14:32,037
Thank you for admitting
364
00:14:32,039 --> 00:14:33,972
You've been acting
absolutely batshit.
365
00:14:33,974 --> 00:14:35,707
We accept your apology.
366
00:14:35,709 --> 00:14:37,443
[ clang ]
367
00:14:37,445 --> 00:14:41,513
I-I have a new team who wants
what's best for me, so...
368
00:14:41,515 --> 00:14:44,983
I no longer need you.
369
00:14:44,985 --> 00:14:47,052
Either of you. Two.
370
00:14:47,054 --> 00:14:50,922
Wait.
Are you...Firing us?
371
00:14:50,924 --> 00:14:53,124
Hah! Judy's incapable
of firing anyone.
372
00:14:53,126 --> 00:14:54,926
You know how
it seems like you're done
373
00:14:54,928 --> 00:14:57,129
But you're not quite?
374
00:14:58,265 --> 00:15:02,200
Wait. She is.
She's firing us.
375
00:15:02,202 --> 00:15:03,535
She is.
I overcome.
376
00:15:03,537 --> 00:15:05,403
I prevail. I strive.
377
00:15:05,405 --> 00:15:07,539
Whoa. That's some
good software.
378
00:15:07,541 --> 00:15:09,541
Brian: The originally scheduled
keynote address,
379
00:15:09,543 --> 00:15:12,077
"follow your voice, not mine,"
by judy ken sebben,
380
00:15:12,079 --> 00:15:13,679
Has been canceled.
[ audience murmurs ]
381
00:15:13,681 --> 00:15:16,614
Please welcome brian o'brien
"the third" on...
382
00:15:16,616 --> 00:15:19,551
"what we can learn
from 400 years of white men."
383
00:15:19,553 --> 00:15:22,554
[ "heavy action" plays ]
384
00:15:22,556 --> 00:15:25,891
I'm about to blow your minds
with this take.
385
00:15:25,893 --> 00:15:28,093
Penicillin.
The philly cheese steak.
386
00:15:28,095 --> 00:15:30,762
"jumpin' jack flash,"
the song and the movie.
387
00:15:30,764 --> 00:15:33,565
Coolers with wheels.
Wars. Jam bands.
388
00:15:33,567 --> 00:15:36,635
What do all of these seemingly
disparate things have in common?
389
00:15:37,971 --> 00:15:40,172
They were brought to you
through the artistry
390
00:15:40,174 --> 00:15:43,041
And bold leadership
of the white male.
391
00:15:43,043 --> 00:15:44,109
We are misunderstood.
392
00:15:44,111 --> 00:15:46,044
Our ways, not so mysterious.
393
00:15:46,046 --> 00:15:48,646
But over the next several hours,
I'll share with you
394
00:15:48,648 --> 00:15:50,315
How we became so magnificent
395
00:15:50,317 --> 00:15:53,185
And how you can be
just as good as us.
396
00:15:53,187 --> 00:15:54,186
Almost.
397
00:15:54,188 --> 00:15:55,987
She [bleep] fired us.
398
00:15:55,989 --> 00:15:57,789
Gazela fired us.
399
00:15:57,791 --> 00:16:00,125
Judy's a dehydrated
bystander.
400
00:16:00,127 --> 00:16:03,128
One big powerade
makes this all go away.
401
00:16:03,130 --> 00:16:06,198
You pushed her too far.
And I pushed you pushing her.
402
00:16:06,200 --> 00:16:09,201
Look. It's my nature
to go too far.
403
00:16:09,203 --> 00:16:11,002
People love that
about me.
404
00:16:11,004 --> 00:16:12,538
[ cellphone rings ]
405
00:16:12,540 --> 00:16:14,406
Dog with bucket hat:
It occurred to me
406
00:16:14,408 --> 00:16:17,275
I never told you how danny
and I became friends.
407
00:16:17,277 --> 00:16:18,676
Yes. You did.
408
00:16:18,678 --> 00:16:22,480
I was running a five stack game
in a chop shop downtown...
409
00:16:22,482 --> 00:16:23,681
Augggggh!
410
00:16:23,683 --> 00:16:26,084
I was security.
Danny ran the door.
411
00:16:26,086 --> 00:16:27,619
There was an altercation.
[ gunfire ]
412
00:16:27,621 --> 00:16:29,487
By the time
I got to my backup piece,
413
00:16:29,489 --> 00:16:32,490
The room was dead and danny
had taken one to the chest.
414
00:16:32,492 --> 00:16:36,228
I ran him to my car then
accidentally ran over him --
415
00:16:36,230 --> 00:16:38,430
Don't ask --
then I raced him to a doc
416
00:16:38,432 --> 00:16:41,233
I heard took cash and
didn't ask a lotta questions.
417
00:16:41,235 --> 00:16:45,237
Dr. Andy patched you up
real good, didn't he, danny?
418
00:16:45,239 --> 00:16:47,239
You were a good niece to me.
[ line clicks ]
419
00:16:47,241 --> 00:16:50,842
Oof. I am doing more
emotional labor today.
420
00:16:50,844 --> 00:16:53,379
♪♪
421
00:16:53,381 --> 00:16:54,980
[ danny grunting ]
422
00:16:54,982 --> 00:16:57,715
See you in the void,
old friend.
423
00:16:57,717 --> 00:16:59,517
[ tires squeal ]
424
00:16:59,519 --> 00:17:00,786
[ engine revs ]
425
00:17:00,788 --> 00:17:01,987
[ tires screech ]
426
00:17:01,989 --> 00:17:05,190
I can't!
I got too much to live for!
427
00:17:05,192 --> 00:17:06,658
You understand, don't you?
428
00:17:06,660 --> 00:17:08,126
[ cellphone rings ]
429
00:17:08,128 --> 00:17:11,797
Oh, hey, dr. Andy.
Not a great time.
430
00:17:11,799 --> 00:17:13,331
Dr. Andy.
431
00:17:13,333 --> 00:17:15,066
Dr. Andy: Listen.
I probably should've
432
00:17:15,068 --> 00:17:17,002
Thought of this earlier,
but you know how iguanas
433
00:17:17,004 --> 00:17:18,536
Lose their tails
and then they grow back?
434
00:17:18,538 --> 00:17:21,473
Well, what if we just
let this tail fall off
435
00:17:21,475 --> 00:17:23,475
And then, boom,
problem solved?
436
00:17:23,477 --> 00:17:25,944
Oh, you're a horrible
[bleep] doctor.
437
00:17:25,946 --> 00:17:28,079
Danny boy,
you're gonna make it!
438
00:17:28,081 --> 00:17:29,748
[ wheels rolling ]
439
00:17:29,750 --> 00:17:31,082
[ engine revs ]
440
00:17:31,084 --> 00:17:33,018
[ tires squealing ]
441
00:17:33,020 --> 00:17:35,421
[ drill whirring, horn honks ]
442
00:17:35,423 --> 00:17:37,823
Weird how every time we have
a drink you forget your wallet,
443
00:17:37,825 --> 00:17:40,092
Except for it's not weird
because you do it every time
444
00:17:40,094 --> 00:17:42,227
So it's totally premeditated.
Ah ha ha!
445
00:17:42,229 --> 00:17:45,297
[ horn blaring ]
um, isn't that your car?
446
00:17:45,299 --> 00:17:48,300
[ car alarm blaring ]
447
00:17:48,302 --> 00:17:51,169
Something in my foop
doesn't feel right.
448
00:17:51,171 --> 00:17:53,639
Growing pains.
Hey. Look at me.
449
00:17:53,641 --> 00:17:55,240
You did the right thing.
450
00:17:55,242 --> 00:17:58,444
Those failures don't know
what's best for us.
451
00:17:58,446 --> 00:17:59,845
For me, you mean.
452
00:17:59,847 --> 00:18:02,448
Okay, I know you're
programmed to sound like
453
00:18:02,450 --> 00:18:04,650
We're actually talking,
but that was nuts.
454
00:18:04,652 --> 00:18:05,917
We're so close.
455
00:18:05,919 --> 00:18:07,585
Don't let meredith
and charley
456
00:18:07,587 --> 00:18:09,387
Claw their way
back into your life
457
00:18:09,389 --> 00:18:12,190
Just as we're about to
commence phase 3.
458
00:18:12,192 --> 00:18:13,725
You can see me!
459
00:18:13,727 --> 00:18:17,062
Data capitalism
isn't tomorrow's problem!
460
00:18:17,064 --> 00:18:19,064
[ clang ]
461
00:18:19,066 --> 00:18:21,066
♪♪
462
00:18:21,068 --> 00:18:23,469
Don't let them claw
their way back in.
463
00:18:23,471 --> 00:18:26,872
Silence the naysayers.
Follow your own voice.
464
00:18:26,874 --> 00:18:28,806
♪♪
465
00:18:28,808 --> 00:18:31,009
Are you here
to save us?
466
00:18:31,011 --> 00:18:32,344
Yes!
467
00:18:32,346 --> 00:18:34,146
You have kale
in your teeth.
468
00:18:34,148 --> 00:18:35,814
You're welcome.
469
00:18:35,816 --> 00:18:37,282
Ouch.
470
00:18:37,284 --> 00:18:40,285
That's right.
It's me. And you.
471
00:18:40,287 --> 00:18:43,021
Our best future self,
together.
472
00:18:43,023 --> 00:18:46,224
Birdcat:
Wake. The [bleep] up.
473
00:18:46,226 --> 00:18:48,226
You're a monster!
474
00:18:48,228 --> 00:18:50,095
Blame yourself.
You're the ceo.
475
00:18:50,097 --> 00:18:51,830
Look in a mirror!
476
00:18:51,832 --> 00:18:53,165
Oh, not -- not this one.
477
00:18:53,167 --> 00:18:54,966
You weren't helping me
find my voice.
478
00:18:54,968 --> 00:18:56,634
You were using me!
479
00:18:56,636 --> 00:18:59,838
I really, finally,
can trust my gut.
480
00:18:59,840 --> 00:19:04,242
Yours, sculpted and rock hard,
is a liar!
481
00:19:04,244 --> 00:19:06,512
[ grunts ]
I'm nothing like you!
482
00:19:06,514 --> 00:19:08,914
Oh, yes.
Yes, you are!
483
00:19:08,916 --> 00:19:12,584
I'm the part of you
who isn't afraid of success.
484
00:19:12,586 --> 00:19:15,253
♪♪
485
00:19:15,255 --> 00:19:17,523
[ judy grunting ]
486
00:19:17,525 --> 00:19:23,195
♪♪
487
00:19:23,197 --> 00:19:25,531
This is bullshit!
488
00:19:25,533 --> 00:19:28,734
Oh, my god. I might actually
have to get a real job.
489
00:19:28,736 --> 00:19:30,402
[ grunting ]
paa-shawww.
490
00:19:30,404 --> 00:19:33,471
Shut up
and eat your muffin.
491
00:19:33,473 --> 00:19:36,007
Gazela:
Out of my way!
492
00:19:36,009 --> 00:19:38,476
I have a keynote speech
to give.
493
00:19:38,478 --> 00:19:40,278
Birdgirl:
Yeah, yeah, she escaped.
494
00:19:40,280 --> 00:19:42,214
But before she did,
she showed me our future,
495
00:19:42,216 --> 00:19:44,816
And it's, uh, probably best
if you help me stop her.
496
00:19:44,818 --> 00:19:47,085
Birdteam, go!
497
00:19:47,087 --> 00:19:48,620
[slurring] joke's on you.
498
00:19:48,622 --> 00:19:51,089
I was about to
fall over anyway.
499
00:19:51,091 --> 00:19:58,496
♪♪
500
00:19:58,498 --> 00:20:02,034
Meredith: Oof. Why on earth did
your dad build this devil's den?
501
00:20:02,036 --> 00:20:04,169
Charley:
Whoa! Nine birdgirls.
502
00:20:04,171 --> 00:20:08,173
And one chin that can core
a goddamn apple slice!
503
00:20:08,175 --> 00:20:10,976
Shush! [ sniffs ]
scented soy candle.
504
00:20:10,978 --> 00:20:12,911
She's close.
505
00:20:12,913 --> 00:20:14,380
You could've
had it all.
506
00:20:14,382 --> 00:20:15,781
[ zapping ]
507
00:20:15,783 --> 00:20:19,117
But unfortunately, you've
chosen a life of "can't"
508
00:20:19,119 --> 00:20:21,519
With your flabby friends.
509
00:20:21,521 --> 00:20:25,057
I'm just gonna have to
set a boundary with you.
510
00:20:25,059 --> 00:20:27,725
A final boundary.
511
00:20:27,727 --> 00:20:29,795
[ grunting ]
512
00:20:29,797 --> 00:20:37,002
♪♪
513
00:20:37,004 --> 00:20:39,204
Come on!
514
00:20:40,074 --> 00:20:41,673
I can't tell what's real.
515
00:20:41,675 --> 00:20:44,142
If you accidentally shoot
something in the head,
516
00:20:44,144 --> 00:20:45,711
Make sure it's not me.
517
00:20:48,282 --> 00:20:50,548
Bringing us to the 14th century,
518
00:20:50,550 --> 00:20:52,751
Something I like to call
a renaissance.
519
00:20:52,753 --> 00:20:53,819
[ gazela growls ]
520
00:20:53,821 --> 00:20:55,153
[ audience gasps ]
521
00:20:55,155 --> 00:20:57,222
Ugh! [ grunting ]
522
00:20:57,224 --> 00:20:59,157
Jks fans...
523
00:20:59,159 --> 00:21:01,827
Today we dominate!
524
00:21:01,829 --> 00:21:03,761
[ cheers and applause ]
525
00:21:03,763 --> 00:21:04,763
With my leadership,
526
00:21:04,765 --> 00:21:08,900
The world will fall to its knees
before us!
527
00:21:08,902 --> 00:21:10,302
Look at you.
528
00:21:10,304 --> 00:21:12,037
Repulsive, weak bodies.
529
00:21:12,039 --> 00:21:16,574
Weak minds looking to jud--
to us -- for answers.
530
00:21:16,576 --> 00:21:17,843
Rise now!
531
00:21:17,845 --> 00:21:22,848
Get off your meaty haunches
and stand as one.
532
00:21:22,850 --> 00:21:24,049
That's fat-shaming!
533
00:21:24,051 --> 00:21:26,318
If you weren't so fat,
I wouldn't exist!
534
00:21:26,320 --> 00:21:29,254
Eh, not so fast.
Cool your talons.
535
00:21:29,256 --> 00:21:31,490
[ audience jeering ]
536
00:21:36,930 --> 00:21:38,330
You'll never be judy!
537
00:21:38,332 --> 00:21:40,265
[ audience jeering ]
538
00:21:40,267 --> 00:21:43,135
We should probably step in
before they kill her.
539
00:21:43,137 --> 00:21:44,936
Eh, let 'em
have some fun.
540
00:21:44,938 --> 00:21:47,005
Now, those are
true fans.
541
00:21:47,007 --> 00:21:49,274
[ monitor beeping ]
542
00:21:49,276 --> 00:21:50,942
Anyone else
love hospitals?
543
00:21:50,944 --> 00:21:55,147
-Oh, god. Is it bad?
-Danny's gonna be just fine!
544
00:21:55,149 --> 00:21:58,950
Dr. Andy,
you magnificent bastard!
545
00:21:58,952 --> 00:22:01,387
We're, uh -- we're gonna
need a ride home.
546
00:22:02,857 --> 00:22:04,223
Dr. Andy,
you magnificent bastard!
547
00:22:04,225 --> 00:22:05,857
Hey! Birdgirl!
548
00:22:05,859 --> 00:22:07,526
♪ wings of fire,
unique like pearls ♪
549
00:22:07,528 --> 00:22:09,194
Hey! Birdgirl!
550
00:22:09,196 --> 00:22:11,062
♪ who's the one
they can't defeat? ♪
551
00:22:11,064 --> 00:22:12,664
Hey! Birdgirl!
552
00:22:12,666 --> 00:22:14,199
♪ ultra fierce,
and it's all you need ♪
553
00:22:14,201 --> 00:22:17,536
Hey! Birdgirl!
554
00:22:17,538 --> 00:22:19,671
Hey!
[ imitating fanfare ]
555
00:22:19,673 --> 00:22:21,106
Birdgirl!
556
00:22:22,409 --> 00:22:25,277
Made in georgia.