Welcome to judycon -- no cameras, no phones.
Raffle tickets go in the box.
Sharp objects go back in your car.
Announcer: Enter now to win lunch hosted by birdcat
Plus the jks inspira-mirror.
Please make your way to the conestoga room
For the jks kickoff speech. [ techno dance music playing ]
This is great. And I never say that. No.
Great would've been if you'd cleared this with me
Before slapping my name on a random event to make money.
Random event? It's the jks leadership conference
Product line roll out.
With kerri strug. Who doesn't do random events.
Wow, this stuff is almost perfectly...
Packaged? Retrograde. Who wrote this?
Guiltish. I've got your voice down pat.
"oh my god, who wrote this?"
She said with a hint of disdain.
[ music continues ]
Jude, I know technically we didn't ask your permission
But only because we didn't have time
To pretend you have any control over your life.
[ cheers and applause ]
I feel like I'm being used.
And surprise! I don't like feeling used.
You are being used, but you're still in control.
Look, there's a huge market out there
For feel-good inspirational crap
And your demo, single working women ages 32 to 40
With imaginary gluten allergies,
Are open for business.
I guess. Now get out there
And do exactly as you're told --
But as yourself.
The way I'm telling you to be.
Flying is just walking with sparkle.
You taught me that.
Blame him.
So when people say, "judy, what's your secret,"
I say: My jks power planner with color-coded affirmation inserts.
[ cheers and applause ]
Nailed it.
So, is today the day you...?
[ sighs ] this isn't the real me.
Oh, god, no, that's her riffing face.
The real me doesn't talk like this.
The real me says I am who I am
Even if that me isn't who you or even I want me to be!
Exactly!
Meredith: Not now, kerri strug.
And this? This was written for me!
The real me shoots from the hip and...
Trusts. Her.
Gut! [ woman screams, audience gasps, glass shatters ]
[ audience muttering ]
Ding!
[ fire alarm beeping, audience screaming ]
I'll take my 100 in cash.
♪ hey! ♪
[ rapping ] ♪ who's the girl that saves the world? ♪
♪ hey! ♪
[ rapping ] ♪ oh, my god, oh, my god, oh, my god ♪
[ imitating fanfare ] birdgirl!
Now, that was great.
You just had to do it, didn't you?
Just had to whip out your dick.
-Fupa. -Fupa?
The thing you just flicked with your finger and went "ding!"
What's with the fire alarm?!
It soaked my swag stand!
Judy flashed her foop.
Jesus christ.
Can't you keep it in your pants for 24 hours?
I'm sorry. We've all seen your pinkie pokin' out to say howdy!
That's involuntary!
Can you sign our fupas?
I'd be delighted! Somebody loved it.
Charley: Judy, these are the judettes.
They're super fans. There are three of them.
They paid a lot of scroogie for full access.
[ cellphone ringing and buzzing ]
I-I gotta take this.
That is the last time you abuse my muse!
Was it really that bad?
As your best friend,
I know I should lie to make you feel better.
Aaannnd I guess that's the end of that sentence, huh?
Nice one, gut. Ding!
Last time I trust you.
♪♪
"find your power. Find your self."
Hmph. Maybe I could see
What this "working out" fuss is about.
Giiiilllian! Can you come install this?
"only you can do the work!"
Uch! Fine.
[ grunting ]
Hi, I'm gazela, your personal power guide.
[ gasps ] so pretttty!
It's time to let go of the old you.
No. I'm scared.
It's okay. We'll do it together.
I'll start tomorrow.
Say hello to your future.
♪♪
[ beep, up-tempo music plays ]
No. No, no, no, no! I'm not ready for music!
Go back!
Wax judy: You can't max your potential
If you're yawning.
Try the jks sleep assistant.
Nice save with wax judy. Where was it anyway?
My passenger seat. I use it for the hov lane.
Oh, please, no duck lips!
Or fish gapes.
Meredith. Uh, you got a car, right?
With an empty passenger seat!
Mnh.
Can you, uh, run me across town?
My isuzu's at the shop.
Uh-huh. Just, uh, take mine.
Actually, uh, could you come with me?
I need someone with your temperament for an...
Emotional situation.
Like an emotional support animal?
Uh, more like a niece. Uh...
Not a niece because I hate my actual one.
Didn't you pinch my ass at the harassment workshop
Like nine times?
I was roleplaying!
But, uh, I'm off the sauce now and -- and struggling.
Ughhh. Okay. I'll take you.
But no talking. Music or podcast only.
Yeah, yeah! I'll grab my boombox.
Say your name, and I'll tailor fitness experiences
Based on your mood and vitals.
Judy. [deep voice] judy.
Judy. [squeaky voice] judy.
Judy. [deep voice] judy.
Juddddddy.
[distorted voice] juddddddy.
Jeeeuuuuuudddyyyyyy.
Who am I?!
I'm detecting high variations in your heart rate.
What's bothering you, judy?
I feel like my employees are whoring me out
And I don't have the courage to tell them no.
Great! Let's get to work!
Breathe in.
[ inhales deeply ]
[ grunting ]
[ whirring ]
[ cat purring ]
You can exhale. [ exhales sharply ]
And let go of that feeling of "I'm not good enough."
It's still there!
Let's sculpt some thighs!
I overcome. I prevail.
I strive. I win.
I'm not. I can't. I won't. I don't.
Just say no.
Uh...Why?
It's my catchphrase!
Uh, why?
[ gulping ]
Ah.
Give it to me straight, dr. Andy.
[ belches ]
Well...It is a tumor.
There's no way of telling yet whether it's malignant.
We'll know more after the biopsy.
Why?! Why?!
I'm sorry.
I got you so you'd outlive me!
Why, god?!
Why are you doing this to danny zuko?!
[ belches ] ugh...
You are a dangerous goddess
Who isn't afraid of her own power!
I am a dangerous goddess
Who will have, at some point, thighs!
You are sexy, hot, and smart as hell!
[ grunts ]
We're gonna need another ceiling bracket, hank.
[ cellphone rings ]
I'm sexy as hell!
[whispering] you're late for your meet-and-greet.
I need to focus on the me right now.
Screw those groupies!
Uh, she's still tied up.
Yeah, excuse me. Do I have time to use the restroom?
No.
[ gasps ] you're gillian, aren't you?
Like, the gillian.
You've heard of me?
Any true judette would die to meet you --
The keeper of judy's secrets!
[ chuckles ] I'm no hero, girls.
Just doing my job like any other working stiff.
But, yeah, I know some stuff.
May I ask -- is judy really a black belt?
I heard she had a photographic memory.
That's a dirty-ass lie perpetuated by our enemies!
Say, if someone were to want a hank of hair, judy's hair,
Where would they go to get that?
Ladies, in time, all your questions will be answered.
But first, who wants to hear judy's lunch orders?
Really?! Oh, my god.
Monday -- tuna melt, fruit cup.
Tuesday -- enchiladas suizas, no beans.
Beans tear her ass up!
♪ a long, long time ago ♪
Danny loves this song. Especially the 47th verse.
Takes me back to when we met.
Danny belonged to my drinking buddy, lotto,
So named because he, uh, won the lotto once.
By the time I met him, he'd pissed it all away
And was hustling nickels at the swap meet
With danny on the soft shoe.
Not a bad act, and they were doing okay
Until one day don mclean's people showed up
With a cease-and-desist.
They tried to find something else --
"edmund fitzgerald," "alice's restaurant" --
But they'd built their entire act around that goddamn song.
In the end, lotto couldn't take it.
He died of heartbreak.
Or he would've if the bear attack hadn't got him first.
Since then, danny and I have been our own act.
Right, boy? [ danny grunts ]
Aaaaaaaaah!
Man on radio: Today on "planet money,"
We're talking all about index funds.
You think there's a heaven?
After today? No.
They were invent-- [ click ]
[ somber piano music playing ]
[ click ] true story. When he inv--
[ rapid clicking, channels changing ]
Ah [bleep] it. Might as well kill myself.
[ grunts ]
So where do we go when we die?
"planet money."
[ dance music thumping ]
[ grunting ]
♪♪
She's always losing her retainer,
So I hold onto it for her.
It's a lot of responsibility but I think I've proven worthy.
-Spit. -[ spits ]
♪♪
Excuse me. That -- s-she's completely booked right now!
♪♪
We need to practice your keynote speech
So people can forget your kickoff speech.
And we should -- nay, we must
Use the gynecocratic groundswell of businesswomen
To springboard a -- alright!
None of that will be in there.
I want to thank you.
For embarrassing me in front of my peers,
For slapping my name on a bunch of crap nobody wants or needs --
Not you, gazela -- and for proving me right.
I gotta trust my foop.
And it says I need to spend more time
On jks the person and less on jks the soulless shill.
Paul, can you get judy a banana and stuff it in her mouth?
Because from here, it looks like she's pushing back on us.
I am strong! I am powerful!
And I make my own decisions!
[ gasps ] your jawline! It's flawless!
No. More than that. It's...Actualized.
God, I used to have a chin that could core an apple
And, god damn it, I'm gonna have it again!
If we dream it, we become it.
Ugh! Shut up, you stupid app.
Don't listen to them, queen!
It can't hear you!
She hears me better than anyone in this building.
[ grunts ]
And you can get the [bleep] out.
Ooooooooo, rusted!
Setting boundaries is a healthy step in the right direction.
You're lucky I did my hyper-violent exercises
This morning and I can't fight back.
God, you both need a banana.
Momma sherry: Aww, I can tell you really loved this one.
Is he already dead or we just planning for the future?
No. No, sir, you do not!
Stillllll with us.
Uh-huh. Well, now's not the time to skimp.
Dog with bucket hat: Why? Whyyy?!
Whyyyyy?! Why?!
This feels wrong. I need air.
Husbands, eh?
So, uh, how long you two been knockin' boots?
What?! [ laughs ]
No, I-I -- [ clears throat ]
No, he's more like a pervy uncle to me,
You know, with, like, a metoo allegation?
So why have you had one eye glued to his tuchus
The whole time you been here?
Trust me -- he will have you for his own.
Mm-hmm. We'll take the cheap one.
I got the mix options for tonight's party ken sebben.
We got a judy problem.
I knew it. She has been on a tear!
Huh. She's early this month.
We're going to ignore that because I need you
On standby in case she's a no-show for her speech.
Anyone wants their money back,
There's no one for me to pin it on.
I am in.
If there's one thing I know,
It's how to prolong pleasure for women.
I'm so sorry.
I act out whenever I'm in the minority.
My therapist calls it "propping up the male ego."
You should try it sometime.
We've strengthened your body. Now let's turn inward.
Let go of the things that don't serve you, judy.
You don't have any control over your life.
I pull the strings! You're a trained monkey!
[ laughs ]
You have food in your teeth.
You always have food in your teeth,
And you always will,
And for some reason it's always kale.
I want you to fail.
Judy: Dinner time!
Birdcat: Hate. Judy. Car. Car.
Gazela: Now think of those
Who light you up from the inside.
Enchiladas suizas!
Healthy lunch, healthy butt.
One hank of hair. It'll grow back.
You are strong. You are judy.
We are strong. We are judy.
[ whirring ]
Hank! I need to let go of what does not serve me!
This is her wide tooth comb.
Oh, and here is her fine tooth comb.
We used it last year with a little tea tree oil
When she got lice.
I used to love those appointments at school
When they would massage my head and look for lice.
Oh, and here's a birthday card from her aunt.
Cursive writing.
Judy: Look alive, judettes!
Let's get you your laminate's worth.
I need a team meeting with you two in the board room.
Now!
[ clunk ]
That's the end. I undershot it.
It's fine. I can do this anywhere.
My power comes from within.
Oop. If you're headed in, you might want to give 'er
A couple of door swings to air things out.
-Oh! -Mnh-mnh-mnh.
Thank you for admitting
You've been acting absolutely batshit.
We accept your apology.
[ clang ]
I-I have a new team who wants what's best for me, so...
I no longer need you.
Either of you. Two.
Wait. Are you...Firing us?
Hah! Judy's incapable of firing anyone.
You know how it seems like you're done
But you're not quite?
Wait. She is. She's firing us.
She is. I overcome.
I prevail. I strive.
Whoa. That's some good software.
Brian: The originally scheduled keynote address,
"follow your voice, not mine," by judy ken sebben,
Has been canceled. [ audience murmurs ]
Please welcome brian o'brien "the third" on...
"what we can learn from 400 years of white men."
[ "heavy action" plays ]
I'm about to blow your minds with this take.
Penicillin. The philly cheese steak.
"jumpin' jack flash," the song and the movie.
Coolers with wheels. Wars. Jam bands.
What do all of these seemingly disparate things have in common?
They were brought to you through the artistry
And bold leadership of the white male.
We are misunderstood.
Our ways, not so mysterious.
But over the next several hours, I'll share with you
How we became so magnificent
And how you can be just as good as us.
Almost.
She [bleep] fired us.
Gazela fired us.
Judy's a dehydrated bystander.
One big powerade makes this all go away.
You pushed her too far. And I pushed you pushing her.
Look. It's my nature to go too far.
People love that about me.
[ cellphone rings ]
Dog with bucket hat: It occurred to me
I never told you how danny and I became friends.
Yes. You did.
I was running a five stack game in a chop shop downtown...
Augggggh!
I was security. Danny ran the door.
There was an altercation. [ gunfire ]
By the time I got to my backup piece,
The room was dead and danny had taken one to the chest.
I ran him to my car then accidentally ran over him --
Don't ask -- then I raced him to a doc
I heard took cash and didn't ask a lotta questions.
Dr. Andy patched you up real good, didn't he, danny?
You were a good niece to me. [ line clicks ]
Oof. I am doing more emotional labor today.
♪♪
[ danny grunting ]
See you in the void, old friend.
[ tires squeal ]
[ engine revs ]
[ tires screech ]
I can't! I got too much to live for!
You understand, don't you?
[ cellphone rings ]
Oh, hey, dr. Andy. Not a great time.
Dr. Andy.
Dr. Andy: Listen. I probably should've
Thought of this earlier, but you know how iguanas
Lose their tails and then they grow back?
Well, what if we just let this tail fall off
And then, boom, problem solved?
Oh, you're a horrible [bleep] doctor.
Danny boy, you're gonna make it!
[ wheels rolling ]
[ engine revs ]
[ tires squealing ]
[ drill whirring, horn honks ]
Weird how every time we have a drink you forget your wallet,
Except for it's not weird because you do it every time
So it's totally premeditated. Ah ha ha!
[ horn blaring ] um, isn't that your car?
[ car alarm blaring ]
Something in my foop doesn't feel right.
Growing pains. Hey. Look at me.
You did the right thing.
Those failures don't know what's best for us.
For me, you mean.
Okay, I know you're programmed to sound like
We're actually talking, but that was nuts.
We're so close.
Don't let meredith and charley
Claw their way back into your life
Just as we're about to commence phase 3.
You can see me!
Data capitalism isn't tomorrow's problem!
[ clang ]
♪♪
Don't let them claw their way back in.
Silence the naysayers. Follow your own voice.
♪♪
Are you here to save us?
Yes!
You have kale in your teeth.
You're welcome.
Ouch.
That's right. It's me. And you.
Our best future self, together.
Birdcat: Wake. The [bleep] up.
You're a monster!
Blame yourself. You're the ceo.
Look in a mirror!
Oh, not -- not this one.
You weren't helping me find my voice.
You were using me!
I really, finally, can trust my gut.
Yours, sculpted and rock hard, is a liar!
[ grunts ] I'm nothing like you!
Oh, yes. Yes, you are!
I'm the part of you who isn't afraid of success.
♪♪
[ judy grunting ]
♪♪
This is bullshit!
Oh, my god. I might actually have to get a real job.
[ grunting ] paa-shawww.
Shut up and eat your muffin.
Gazela: Out of my way!
I have a keynote speech to give.
Birdgirl: Yeah, yeah, she escaped.
But before she did, she showed me our future,
And it's, uh, probably best if you help me stop her.
Birdteam, go!
[slurring] joke's on you.
I was about to fall over anyway.
♪♪
Meredith: Oof. Why on earth did your dad build this devil's den?
Charley: Whoa! Nine birdgirls.
And one chin that can core a goddamn apple slice!
Shush! [ sniffs ] scented soy candle.
She's close.
You could've had it all.
[ zapping ]
But unfortunately, you've chosen a life of "can't"
With your flabby friends.
I'm just gonna have to set a boundary with you.
A final boundary.
[ grunting ]
♪♪
Come on!
I can't tell what's real.
If you accidentally shoot something in the head,
Make sure it's not me.
Bringing us to the 14th century,
Something I like to call a renaissance.
[ gazela growls ]
[ audience gasps ]
Ugh! [ grunting ]
Jks fans...
Today we dominate!
[ cheers and applause ]
With my leadership,
The world will fall to its knees before us!
Look at you.
Repulsive, weak bodies.
Weak minds looking to jud-- to us -- for answers.
Rise now!
Get off your meaty haunches and stand as one.
That's fat-shaming!
If you weren't so fat, I wouldn't exist!
Eh, not so fast. Cool your talons.
[ audience jeering ]
You'll never be judy!
[ audience jeering ]
We should probably step in before they kill her.
Eh, let 'em have some fun.
Now, those are true fans.
[ monitor beeping ]
Anyone else love hospitals?
-Oh, god. Is it bad? -Danny's gonna be just fine!
Dr. Andy, you magnificent bastard!
We're, uh -- we're gonna need a ride home.
Dr. Andy, you magnificent bastard!
Hey! Birdgirl!
♪ wings of fire, unique like pearls ♪
Hey! Birdgirl!
♪ who's the one they can't defeat? ♪
Hey! Birdgirl!
♪ ultra fierce, and it's all you need ♪
Hey! Birdgirl!
Hey! [ imitating fanfare ]
Birdgirl!
Made in georgia.