1
00:00:01,378 --> 00:00:04,381
Well, another successful
Marc and Leila birthday party

2
00:00:04,406 --> 00:00:05,939
- in the books.
- Sure,

3
00:00:05,964 --> 00:00:07,804
if success is measured
by the number of guests

4
00:00:07,829 --> 00:00:09,250
who have nightmares.

5
00:00:09,736 --> 00:00:12,328
Hey, maybe next year we
let Leila choose the theme.

6
00:00:12,353 --> 00:00:14,824
"Mortality" is the only
honest birthday theme.

7
00:00:14,849 --> 00:00:16,578
Because every year brings you...

8
00:00:16,603 --> 00:00:19,210
One step closer to
a cold and endless nothing.

9
00:00:19,235 --> 00:00:20,531
Yeah.

10
00:00:21,195 --> 00:00:22,988
Hey. Go outside.

11
00:00:23,013 --> 00:00:25,093
Stop playing skull in the house.

12
00:00:26,031 --> 00:00:28,747
So, between this
and Brian's science parties

13
00:00:28,772 --> 00:00:31,174
and Nicole's birthday networking mixers,

14
00:00:31,199 --> 00:00:33,132
we're never throwing
a normal party, are we?

15
00:00:33,167 --> 00:00:35,808
Right now I'm just hoping
that's a fake skull.

16
00:00:35,833 --> 00:00:38,958
Marc came home yesterday with
a lot of mud on his clothes.

17
00:00:39,474 --> 00:00:42,041
I'm always amazed by the
statistical unlikelihood

18
00:00:42,076 --> 00:00:44,333
that Marc was born on the
exact same day as Leila.

19
00:00:44,358 --> 00:00:45,991
The odds increase when you consider

20
00:00:46,016 --> 00:00:48,124
that nine months ago is Father's Day.

21
00:00:48,149 --> 00:00:50,354
Yeah. That probably
counted as Mom's gift.

22
00:00:50,379 --> 00:00:53,153
It's free, and you don't have
to leave the house to get it.

23
00:00:53,903 --> 00:00:55,981
Brian, what did we say about talking?

24
00:00:56,006 --> 00:00:58,468
Say it to myself five times,
and if it still sounds weird,

25
00:00:58,493 --> 00:00:59,747
don't say it.

26
00:01:00,545 --> 00:01:03,246
Although there is something
that never sat quite right

27
00:01:03,271 --> 00:01:05,038
with me about their joint birthday.

28
00:01:05,481 --> 00:01:08,367
Now that you mention it,
I feel like the seasons don't line up.

29
00:01:08,392 --> 00:01:10,525
I remember when Marc was born,
it was spring

30
00:01:10,550 --> 00:01:13,130
and I had pollen-induced conjunctivitis.

31
00:01:14,215 --> 00:01:16,953
But when Leila was born, it was winter.

32
00:01:16,978 --> 00:01:18,739
And I fell through that frozen lake

33
00:01:18,764 --> 00:01:20,903
that finally cleared my conjunctivitis.

34
00:01:23,151 --> 00:01:25,184
Memories are so crazy.

35
00:01:25,209 --> 00:01:26,509
Yeah.

36
00:01:26,554 --> 00:01:28,253
You know what else is crazy?

37
00:01:28,278 --> 00:01:30,767
That you guys have written
an entire rap musical

38
00:01:30,792 --> 00:01:33,092
about Stephen Hawking,
and we haven't heard it.

39
00:01:33,880 --> 00:01:36,292
- No, we're in the middle of...
- ♪ How does a paraplegic ♪

40
00:01:36,317 --> 00:01:38,870
♪ King of strategic,
son of a medical researcher... ♪

41
00:01:38,895 --> 00:01:41,050
No, they're trying to distract us.

42
00:01:41,075 --> 00:01:42,651
We're onto something.

43
00:01:42,676 --> 00:01:44,284
What are you hiding?

44
00:01:44,309 --> 00:01:46,439
Leila's real birthday is in December.

45
00:01:47,653 --> 00:01:49,352
They were just gonna hack the hospital.

46
00:01:49,377 --> 00:01:51,005
Let's have a normal Saturday.

47
00:01:51,927 --> 00:01:54,637
You've lied about Leila's
birthday for eight years?

48
00:01:54,662 --> 00:01:56,259
No. We lied about it once,

49
00:01:56,284 --> 00:01:58,417
and no one's questioned it
for eight years.

50
00:01:59,012 --> 00:02:01,151
It started because your
grandparents couldn't fly in

51
00:02:01,176 --> 00:02:03,155
for Leila's first birthday,
so we just...

52
00:02:03,180 --> 00:02:04,583
combined it with Marc's.

53
00:02:04,608 --> 00:02:06,762
And then we just
kind of kept it that way.

54
00:02:06,787 --> 00:02:08,856
Cut us some slack. We were broken.

55
00:02:08,881 --> 00:02:11,356
Four kids is exhausting and unnatural.

56
00:02:12,433 --> 00:02:14,948
I once confessed this
to a priest and he said,

57
00:02:14,973 --> 00:02:16,869
"I totally get it."

58
00:02:17,278 --> 00:02:19,705
Don't you think it's time
you told her the truth?

59
00:02:20,441 --> 00:02:21,886
He's right.

60
00:02:21,911 --> 00:02:24,090
We can't keep lying to Leila.

61
00:02:24,657 --> 00:02:26,706
Like this goodie bag says,

62
00:02:26,731 --> 00:02:29,755
"The evil that men do lives after them."

63
00:02:31,020 --> 00:02:33,315
Yes, but it also says,

64
00:02:33,340 --> 00:02:35,832
"Don't weep for the dead.
Weep for the living."

65
00:02:35,857 --> 00:02:38,157
I'm starting to see why
no one took any of these.

66
00:02:46,750 --> 00:02:49,092
Synced & corrected by QueenMaddie
www.addic7ed.com

67
00:02:49,117 --> 00:02:51,125
So I wasn't born on my birthday?

68
00:02:51,516 --> 00:02:53,072
No, uh, you were,

69
00:02:53,097 --> 00:02:57,196
but, um... but that day was
actually four months ago.

70
00:02:57,956 --> 00:02:59,055
Wow.

71
00:02:59,080 --> 00:03:00,346
Yesterday I was eight.

72
00:03:00,371 --> 00:03:01,904
This morning I turned nine.

73
00:03:01,929 --> 00:03:03,229
Now I'm almost ten.

74
00:03:03,254 --> 00:03:05,133
Life's a wild ride.

75
00:03:06,071 --> 00:03:09,021
But the important thing to
remember is how bad we feel

76
00:03:09,046 --> 00:03:11,383
when you talk to your
therapist about this one day.

77
00:03:11,790 --> 00:03:13,694
It's cool. I'm used to it.

78
00:03:13,719 --> 00:03:15,975
For a while, I thought
my full name was...

79
00:03:16,000 --> 00:03:18,172
"Has Anyone Seen Leila Bennett?"

80
00:03:20,401 --> 00:03:22,899
Oh, wait,
we're also throwing you a party!

81
00:03:23,171 --> 00:03:25,481
- We're-we're what?
- Yeah!

82
00:03:25,506 --> 00:03:27,297
To make up for the eight years

83
00:03:27,322 --> 00:03:29,552
of joint birthdays and skeleton parties

84
00:03:29,577 --> 00:03:31,844
and a couple of left-at-the-malls,

85
00:03:32,141 --> 00:03:34,055
you're getting your very own bash.

86
00:03:34,080 --> 00:03:36,392
And you don't even have to
wait for your real birthday.

87
00:03:36,417 --> 00:03:38,860
Hmm? It's a day just for you.

88
00:03:38,885 --> 00:03:40,704
A Leilapalooza!

89
00:03:41,355 --> 00:03:43,954
Wow. I hope someone brings Molly.

90
00:03:46,607 --> 00:03:48,219
Come on, Molly!

91
00:03:49,375 --> 00:03:50,903
Oh, thank God.

92
00:03:51,024 --> 00:03:53,399
Wait, why are we throwing another party?

93
00:03:53,434 --> 00:03:54,969
She was cool with everything.

94
00:03:54,994 --> 00:03:56,118
That's the problem.

95
00:03:56,143 --> 00:03:58,377
She is so used to not feeling special,

96
00:03:58,402 --> 00:04:00,703
she doesn't even know she
should be mad about this.

97
00:04:00,728 --> 00:04:02,294
We have to make it up to her.

98
00:04:02,319 --> 00:04:04,116
I guess it would be nice to throw a...

99
00:04:04,141 --> 00:04:05,897
normal kids' party for once.

100
00:04:05,922 --> 00:04:08,347
Something we can have fun at, too.

101
00:04:08,719 --> 00:04:10,780
My dad used to love my birthday parties.

102
00:04:10,805 --> 00:04:11,961
Not because I was born

103
00:04:11,986 --> 00:04:13,630
but because we usually
went to a Mets game.

104
00:04:13,654 --> 00:04:15,414
Oh, should we do that?

105
00:04:15,864 --> 00:04:18,436
No. This is not about us.

106
00:04:18,461 --> 00:04:20,671
This is about Leila and what she wants.

107
00:04:20,696 --> 00:04:22,680
We are leaving this
party totally up to her.

108
00:04:22,705 --> 00:04:24,740
Well, whatever she picks,

109
00:04:24,765 --> 00:04:27,407
it's got to be better than Marc
asking us to find a cake that

110
00:04:27,432 --> 00:04:29,282
"screams when you cut it."

111
00:04:32,125 --> 00:04:34,750
I think it knows we're talking about it.

112
00:04:36,211 --> 00:04:38,289
You were delicious!

113
00:04:43,357 --> 00:04:45,484
Hey. I'm about to go watch SmackDown.

114
00:04:45,509 --> 00:04:46,701
You guys want to
watch wrestling with me?

115
00:04:46,725 --> 00:04:47,725
- Sure.
- Really?

116
00:04:47,750 --> 00:04:48,750
No.

117
00:04:49,249 --> 00:04:51,730
See? You're not the
only one who can lie.

118
00:04:51,755 --> 00:04:53,826
We've been thinking
about your birthday ruse,

119
00:04:53,861 --> 00:04:55,094
and it made us wonder...

120
00:04:55,129 --> 00:04:57,021
What else have you lied to us about?

121
00:04:57,348 --> 00:04:59,530
Okay. I guess you guys
are old enough to know.

122
00:04:59,555 --> 00:05:02,890
Uh, tons of things.
We lie to you guys all the time.

123
00:05:03,296 --> 00:05:05,030
We say whatever we have to to get by.

124
00:05:05,055 --> 00:05:06,288
"Good morning" is a lie.

125
00:05:07,878 --> 00:05:09,986
Sometimes we just fold the dirty laundry

126
00:05:10,011 --> 00:05:11,726
and put it back in your drawers.

127
00:05:11,751 --> 00:05:13,384
Oh, and, uh... This is a good one...

128
00:05:13,409 --> 00:05:15,649
Remember how we told you that
if something were to happen

129
00:05:15,674 --> 00:05:17,693
to me and Mom, you guys
would become the wards

130
00:05:17,718 --> 00:05:19,101
of the Harvard board of trustees?

131
00:05:19,126 --> 00:05:22,161
Oh, no. You're leaving us
to a state school?

132
00:05:22,598 --> 00:05:24,059
It's more of a party school.

133
00:05:24,084 --> 00:05:25,379
It's Rita and Irwin.

134
00:05:25,404 --> 00:05:26,582
Are you serious?

135
00:05:26,607 --> 00:05:29,005
But they're just
different versions of you.

136
00:05:29,739 --> 00:05:31,582
We could kill you right now.

137
00:05:31,607 --> 00:05:33,143
But then we'd be stuck
with Rita and Irwin.

138
00:05:33,167 --> 00:05:34,934
We're in a trap of your own design.

139
00:05:35,522 --> 00:05:37,847
Whatever! I don't need you guys anyway!

140
00:05:37,872 --> 00:05:41,043
I've got plenty of people who
will watch wrestling with me.

141
00:05:41,265 --> 00:05:43,153
You used to be people, right?

142
00:05:43,731 --> 00:05:45,145
Hey, Leils.

143
00:05:45,170 --> 00:05:46,989
Hi, Dad. Hi, Jen.

144
00:05:50,184 --> 00:05:52,784
So, you excited for your big party?

145
00:05:52,809 --> 00:05:54,231
You know what you want to do for it yet?

146
00:05:54,255 --> 00:05:57,604
No. Nicole said my party should be

147
00:05:57,629 --> 00:06:01,176
a $1,000-a-plate fundraiser
for her super PAC.

148
00:06:02,073 --> 00:06:03,465
No, don't...

149
00:06:03,490 --> 00:06:05,323
Don't listen to what Nicole says.

150
00:06:05,348 --> 00:06:08,400
Kiddo, this-this party needs to
be about you and what you like.

151
00:06:08,436 --> 00:06:10,002
I don't know what I like.

152
00:06:10,037 --> 00:06:11,370
I could like anything.

153
00:06:11,395 --> 00:06:14,106
I even like Brian, and he's a lot.

154
00:06:15,418 --> 00:06:16,581
Huh.

155
00:06:16,606 --> 00:06:19,940
Well, um, I mean, I don't
want to influence you, but...

156
00:06:20,520 --> 00:06:23,003
maybe wrestling is
something you would like.

157
00:06:23,028 --> 00:06:25,150
You know, one of
the best birthdays I ever had

158
00:06:25,175 --> 00:06:26,754
was a wrestling theme.

159
00:06:26,779 --> 00:06:28,912
But is wrestling your thing?

160
00:06:28,937 --> 00:06:30,981
'Cause you said I need my own thing.

161
00:06:31,006 --> 00:06:32,401
No, but that's okay. You know,

162
00:06:32,426 --> 00:06:35,060
sometimes, sometimes
parents like something first

163
00:06:35,085 --> 00:06:36,617
and then their kids like it.

164
00:06:36,926 --> 00:06:38,608
Like Mom.

165
00:06:38,965 --> 00:06:40,632
I liked Mom first,

166
00:06:40,657 --> 00:06:42,667
and now you like her, right?

167
00:06:42,692 --> 00:06:44,870
I love Mom.

168
00:06:44,905 --> 00:06:46,405
Great!

169
00:06:46,440 --> 00:06:48,683
Then we will have a wrestling party

170
00:06:48,708 --> 00:06:49,934
and watch SmackDown

171
00:06:49,959 --> 00:06:51,762
and never tell her about any of this.

172
00:06:53,012 --> 00:06:54,411
Fun!

173
00:06:54,832 --> 00:06:58,075
Daddy, I love cuddling
with you when I'm on Molly.

174
00:07:08,403 --> 00:07:11,566
So, in conclusion,
when raising a Bennett child,

175
00:07:11,591 --> 00:07:14,025
the most important thing is LOVE.

176
00:07:14,473 --> 00:07:16,831
And, again, LOVE is

177
00:07:16,856 --> 00:07:19,221
legal aid,

178
00:07:19,246 --> 00:07:21,332
organizational support,

179
00:07:22,043 --> 00:07:24,535
vermin... for research...

180
00:07:24,942 --> 00:07:26,504
And eggs.

181
00:07:27,137 --> 00:07:29,004
We like eggs.

182
00:07:30,343 --> 00:07:32,310
Any questions?

183
00:07:32,621 --> 00:07:34,223
Yes. Irwin.

184
00:07:34,801 --> 00:07:37,590
What the hell do you mean we
get you when your parents die?

185
00:07:38,965 --> 00:07:41,819
You two don't know you're our
legal guardians in their will?

186
00:07:41,844 --> 00:07:44,996
I didn't know people who
have nothing have wills.

187
00:07:45,661 --> 00:07:47,936
Well, in that case, congratulations.

188
00:07:47,961 --> 00:07:50,289
This must be very exciting for you.

189
00:07:50,314 --> 00:07:51,989
It's not.

190
00:07:53,075 --> 00:07:54,841
We already have three kids.

191
00:07:54,866 --> 00:07:56,871
You think I want this full-time?

192
00:07:57,637 --> 00:07:59,670
Wait, we knew we didn't want you.

193
00:07:59,695 --> 00:08:01,551
But you don't want us?

194
00:08:01,576 --> 00:08:03,411
No offense, but you guys

195
00:08:03,443 --> 00:08:05,683
are the most high-maintenance
pains in the asses we know.

196
00:08:05,708 --> 00:08:07,434
- Right, babe?
- Right.

197
00:08:07,714 --> 00:08:09,580
Brian, you're a walking sneeze.

198
00:08:10,082 --> 00:08:11,101
And, Nicole,

199
00:08:11,126 --> 00:08:13,093
I'm pretty sure you were
sent back from the future

200
00:08:13,118 --> 00:08:14,661
to kill John Connor.

201
00:08:15,638 --> 00:08:17,565
And Marc's been over
there sharpening a knife

202
00:08:17,590 --> 00:08:19,004
this whole time.

203
00:08:22,254 --> 00:08:24,075
I'm making fajitas later.

204
00:08:24,697 --> 00:08:27,020
Oh. Well, that's not so bad.

205
00:08:27,536 --> 00:08:29,444
- But that's not what the knife is for.
- Uh-uh.

206
00:08:29,469 --> 00:08:31,235
- No, babe.
- Uh-uh. You go over there.

207
00:08:31,260 --> 00:08:32,826
- Babe.
- Uh-uh.

208
00:08:34,223 --> 00:08:35,761
Hey, Nik.

209
00:08:35,786 --> 00:08:37,255
Want to read a bunch of made-up gossip

210
00:08:37,279 --> 00:08:38,853
about the royal family with me?

211
00:08:38,878 --> 00:08:41,526
There's a new royal dog,
and, apparently,

212
00:08:41,551 --> 00:08:44,356
she's only the second
biggest bitch in the palace.

213
00:08:45,989 --> 00:08:49,020
Is this stack of magazines
why we don't have apples?

214
00:08:49,442 --> 00:08:51,563
Fruit goes bad in two days.

215
00:08:51,668 --> 00:08:54,754
This little red number's
been ripe for 17 years.

216
00:08:56,208 --> 00:08:57,801
He hasn't even killed his brother yet

217
00:08:57,826 --> 00:08:59,364
to take over the throne.

218
00:08:59,389 --> 00:09:00,989
Such a turnoff.

219
00:09:03,840 --> 00:09:06,145
Hey, Mom. For my wrestling party,

220
00:09:06,170 --> 00:09:08,192
do we have any cans of whoop ass?

221
00:09:09,377 --> 00:09:11,301
For your wrestling party?

222
00:09:11,326 --> 00:09:12,559
How did you come up with that?

223
00:09:12,584 --> 00:09:14,851
Oh, Daddy told me
what to say if you ask me.

224
00:09:14,876 --> 00:09:16,351
He said,

225
00:09:16,376 --> 00:09:17,875
"This is important.

226
00:09:17,900 --> 00:09:19,397
"If Mommy asks,

227
00:09:19,422 --> 00:09:21,121
I had nothing to do with it."

228
00:09:21,999 --> 00:09:24,444
"'Cause you know how
irrational she can be."

229
00:09:24,952 --> 00:09:26,077
Then he said,

230
00:09:26,102 --> 00:09:28,335
"Don't say the irrational part."

231
00:09:30,021 --> 00:09:31,624
Oops.

232
00:09:32,963 --> 00:09:35,710
Look, you don't have to do wrestling

233
00:09:35,735 --> 00:09:37,194
because your dad likes it.

234
00:09:37,219 --> 00:09:39,349
You can pick whatever you want.

235
00:09:39,374 --> 00:09:40,640
Like what?

236
00:09:40,675 --> 00:09:42,709
That's for you to figure out.

237
00:09:42,744 --> 00:09:44,890
I'll just be here reading my magazines.

238
00:09:44,915 --> 00:09:47,585
About real-life princesses.

239
00:09:47,843 --> 00:09:49,788
Are you for serious?

240
00:09:50,371 --> 00:09:51,561
Oh, yeah.

241
00:09:51,586 --> 00:09:53,086
Yeah, there's a whole family of them.

242
00:09:53,111 --> 00:09:55,211
There are crowns and castles

243
00:09:55,236 --> 00:09:57,637
and cousins that look like talking mice.

244
00:09:57,819 --> 00:09:59,788
Here. See for yourself.

245
00:09:59,813 --> 00:10:02,069
Mmm, who's that strawberry?

246
00:10:03,610 --> 00:10:06,030
Hey, Red. I'm Leila.

247
00:10:10,034 --> 00:10:11,711
So, when exactly were
you gonna tell me and Rita

248
00:10:11,735 --> 00:10:13,241
that you were leaving us your kids?

249
00:10:13,266 --> 00:10:14,844
Was this supposed to
be some deathbed thing

250
00:10:14,868 --> 00:10:16,249
so that we couldn't say no?

251
00:10:16,274 --> 00:10:17,382
I told you.

252
00:10:17,407 --> 00:10:19,749
Remember, we were out
and you dared me to drink

253
00:10:19,774 --> 00:10:20,969
a bottle of hot sauce and I said, "Okay,

254
00:10:20,993 --> 00:10:23,108
but if I die, you get my kids."

255
00:10:23,601 --> 00:10:25,780
Damn it. And then we high-fived.

256
00:10:25,805 --> 00:10:28,249
And that's legally binding
in the state of New Jersey.

257
00:10:28,742 --> 00:10:32,702
The only family we have in the
area is Kay's cousin Sebastian.

258
00:10:32,727 --> 00:10:35,171
The kids don't even know him.
He lives alone on a farm.

259
00:10:35,196 --> 00:10:36,546
Yeah, but come on, Mike.

260
00:10:36,571 --> 00:10:39,075
We don't know anything about
raising four white kids.

261
00:10:39,100 --> 00:10:41,280
So, what, now we got
to start buying Wheat Thins

262
00:10:41,305 --> 00:10:43,601
and figure out what a Harry Styles is?

263
00:10:44,538 --> 00:10:47,147
Look, I don't think you need
to worry, Irwin, okay?

264
00:10:47,172 --> 00:10:49,019
We don't plan on dying anytime soon.

265
00:10:49,044 --> 00:10:51,765
Hmm. How's that nacho taste?

266
00:10:51,790 --> 00:10:52,790
Good?

267
00:10:55,466 --> 00:10:57,726
'Cause it's the last one
you're ever gonna eat.

268
00:10:57,751 --> 00:10:59,451
We got to keep you alive, man.

269
00:10:59,476 --> 00:11:01,909
And slipping on a nacho is
another good way to die.

270
00:11:01,934 --> 00:11:04,334
I'm going to the kitchen
to get some paper towels.

271
00:11:06,985 --> 00:11:08,960
Oh. Hey, Leils.

272
00:11:08,985 --> 00:11:10,686
I have a surprise for your party.

273
00:11:10,711 --> 00:11:12,377
Are you ready for this?

274
00:11:15,755 --> 00:11:17,054
Huh?

275
00:11:17,079 --> 00:11:18,982
Oh!

276
00:11:19,007 --> 00:11:20,616
What?!

277
00:11:20,641 --> 00:11:22,522
So you've been wearing
that under your clothes

278
00:11:22,547 --> 00:11:24,265
the whole time we've been talking?

279
00:11:24,613 --> 00:11:25,979
I got you a matching one, too,

280
00:11:26,014 --> 00:11:27,772
so we can both wear them at the party.

281
00:11:27,797 --> 00:11:30,231
But I'm not doing a
wrestling party anymore.

282
00:11:30,702 --> 00:11:32,218
Wait. Wha-What are you talking about?

283
00:11:32,243 --> 00:11:34,097
Then what kind of party is it?

284
00:11:34,476 --> 00:11:36,226
'Ello, Leila.

285
00:11:36,886 --> 00:11:39,944
Look at this dress I got for your...

286
00:11:41,002 --> 00:11:42,358
Cheerio.

287
00:11:42,937 --> 00:11:44,674
Are you for serious?

288
00:11:44,699 --> 00:11:46,359
Leila decided for her party,

289
00:11:46,383 --> 00:11:48,499
she wants to do a royal wedding theme.

290
00:11:48,524 --> 00:11:51,249
- Oh, did she?
- Mm-hmm.

291
00:11:51,274 --> 00:11:53,390
And she came up with
that idea all on her own?

292
00:11:53,415 --> 00:11:56,482
Yeah, just like she came up
with wrestling... all on her own.

293
00:11:56,507 --> 00:11:58,758
What makes you think I had anything
to do with the wrestling idea?

294
00:11:58,782 --> 00:12:00,615
Yeah, okay, I know how this looks.

295
00:12:01,141 --> 00:12:02,792
I don't think you do, Mike.

296
00:12:02,817 --> 00:12:04,796
And definitely not from the back.

297
00:12:05,411 --> 00:12:06,788
Face it, Mike.

298
00:12:06,813 --> 00:12:08,746
Leila wants to be a princess.

299
00:12:08,771 --> 00:12:11,968
She wants the crown and the
dress and the pageantry.

300
00:12:11,993 --> 00:12:13,921
You know what?
Why don't we let her decide?

301
00:12:13,946 --> 00:12:19,819
Leils, would you like a frilly,
uptight tea party,

302
00:12:19,844 --> 00:12:23,580
or a party where you can do this?

303
00:12:23,913 --> 00:12:25,375
Flip me over and body slam me.

304
00:12:25,399 --> 00:12:27,749
- I said I need you alive!
- Oh, are you scared?

305
00:12:27,774 --> 00:12:30,062
Mike, I can't raise your kids.
I don't have enough costumes!

306
00:12:30,086 --> 00:12:32,780
- Then say good night!
- It's too tight! I'm not playing!

307
00:12:32,805 --> 00:12:35,343
Michael Mania is running wild! Aah!

308
00:12:38,282 --> 00:12:40,483
I'm gonna end up with those kids.

309
00:12:46,304 --> 00:12:47,366
How's your back?

310
00:12:47,391 --> 00:12:50,089
It's fine. You should see the other guy.

311
00:12:50,732 --> 00:12:52,377
Yeah, you scratched Irwin pretty bad

312
00:12:52,402 --> 00:12:54,030
when he carried you to the couch.

313
00:12:55,374 --> 00:12:56,997
Look, I'm sorry.

314
00:12:57,022 --> 00:12:59,089
I shouldn't have talked
Leila into wrestling.

315
00:12:59,114 --> 00:13:02,490
I just thought that maybe
if this party worked out,

316
00:13:02,515 --> 00:13:04,044
we could have a thing together.

317
00:13:04,069 --> 00:13:05,208
I know.

318
00:13:05,233 --> 00:13:07,403
But that is not what this party
was supposed to be about.

319
00:13:07,427 --> 00:13:10,036
- This was Leila's day.
- I am way ahead of you.

320
00:13:10,061 --> 00:13:12,302
I already canceled the
reservation at the wrestling gym

321
00:13:12,327 --> 00:13:13,927
so you guys can have
your princess party.

322
00:13:13,952 --> 00:13:17,020
So, you know... hero.

323
00:13:17,120 --> 00:13:20,174
What? No, no, not hero!

324
00:13:20,199 --> 00:13:21,903
I felt bad about forcing my party on her

325
00:13:21,928 --> 00:13:23,527
so I canceled the tea room.

326
00:13:23,758 --> 00:13:25,255
So now we don't have anything?

327
00:13:25,280 --> 00:13:26,450
No!

328
00:13:26,475 --> 00:13:28,942
We have to scrape something
together by tomorrow morning.

329
00:13:28,967 --> 00:13:31,567
Okay. You know,
th-thi-this is just like in wrestling.

330
00:13:31,592 --> 00:13:35,961
You know? The moment you
think it's over, the hero rises.

331
00:13:39,179 --> 00:13:41,161
You should go. I'm stuck here now.

332
00:13:45,715 --> 00:13:48,239
So, the dude's name is Sebastian.

333
00:13:48,264 --> 00:13:50,481
He's your mom's cousin,
and he lives on a farm.

334
00:13:50,506 --> 00:13:53,411
- And best of all, he's not us.
- No.

335
00:13:53,436 --> 00:13:55,747
Farm. Interesting.

336
00:13:55,772 --> 00:13:58,067
Quiet solitude, no distractions.

337
00:13:58,092 --> 00:14:00,536
And we'll be swimming
in vermin and eggs!

338
00:14:01,381 --> 00:14:02,614
Question:

339
00:14:02,639 --> 00:14:04,740
is there a corn maze on this farm?

340
00:14:04,765 --> 00:14:07,794
And if so, does it lead to madness?

341
00:14:09,225 --> 00:14:11,598
Sebastian sounds great. We'll take it.

342
00:14:11,623 --> 00:14:13,068
No, no, no, no,
we don't have to convince you.

343
00:14:13,092 --> 00:14:15,193
- We got to convince him.
- That shouldn't be hard.

344
00:14:15,218 --> 00:14:17,552
We'll just give him the same
presentation we gave you.

345
00:14:17,577 --> 00:14:20,802
We'll just cut in some images
of us frolicking with livestock.

346
00:14:21,539 --> 00:14:24,161
No, we cut off power to his farm.

347
00:14:24,186 --> 00:14:26,286
He'll be isolated, paranoid.

348
00:14:26,311 --> 00:14:28,731
A man like that is bound
to say yes to anything.

349
00:14:28,756 --> 00:14:30,411
No! What is wrong with you?

350
00:14:30,436 --> 00:14:34,161
Just turn off your brains for
a second and just be people.

351
00:14:34,186 --> 00:14:36,434
Okay, here's what we're gonna do.

352
00:14:36,459 --> 00:14:38,259
We're going to invite Sebastian

353
00:14:38,284 --> 00:14:40,118
to Leila's party and win him over.

354
00:14:40,143 --> 00:14:44,302
Yes, and not with
presentations or scare tactics.

355
00:14:44,327 --> 00:14:47,075
- You got to charm the guy.
- You don't think we're charming?

356
00:14:47,100 --> 00:14:48,294
No, not when you're talking

357
00:14:48,319 --> 00:14:49,646
about swimming in vermin and eggs.

358
00:14:49,670 --> 00:14:52,106
All right, everybody zip it!

359
00:14:52,565 --> 00:14:55,442
We're gonna teach you
how to pass for people.

360
00:14:55,467 --> 00:14:57,677
You're up first, Old-Man Sweater.

361
00:15:01,716 --> 00:15:03,333
Quick update.

362
00:15:03,358 --> 00:15:05,666
I think I'm falling in love with Rita.

363
00:15:09,637 --> 00:15:11,739
This is the party that Leila wanted?

364
00:15:11,764 --> 00:15:13,431
I thought she was the normal one.

365
00:15:13,713 --> 00:15:15,559
It's the best we could
do on short notice.

366
00:15:15,584 --> 00:15:18,364
Though I do admit,
that pile of mattresses looked

367
00:15:18,389 --> 00:15:20,778
a lot more like a bouncy house
when I was on pain meds.

368
00:15:20,968 --> 00:15:23,716
The party store only had
St. Paddy's Day clearance stuff.

369
00:15:23,741 --> 00:15:25,881
The only things we could save
from the original parties were

370
00:15:25,905 --> 00:15:28,466
some princess costumes
and the wrestler I hired.

371
00:15:28,491 --> 00:15:31,208
Hey. Bloodbath. Nice to meet you.

372
00:15:31,683 --> 00:15:34,114
I think there was a
mix-up with the costumes.

373
00:15:34,139 --> 00:15:35,772
No, you got it.

374
00:15:35,797 --> 00:15:38,145
Today you're Princess Bloodbath.

375
00:15:40,206 --> 00:15:42,630
Hey, quick question.

376
00:15:42,655 --> 00:15:44,731
You think my legs
look okay in this dress?

377
00:15:46,950 --> 00:15:48,783
You look beautiful.

378
00:15:52,746 --> 00:15:54,512
Oh, God. Babe, the kids...

379
00:15:54,537 --> 00:15:56,162
they're talking to Cousin Sebastian.

380
00:15:56,186 --> 00:15:58,239
Okay, it looks, uh, normal.

381
00:15:58,264 --> 00:16:00,568
- Yeah.
- Wait. What's Marc's face doing?

382
00:16:00,903 --> 00:16:04,122
- He's gearing up to bite him.
- No. Honey,

383
00:16:04,147 --> 00:16:07,402
he's smiling!
They're acting human, babe!

384
00:16:07,684 --> 00:16:09,950
They're actually doing
what we taught them.

385
00:16:09,975 --> 00:16:12,450
Brian hasn't done one
awkward medieval bow.

386
00:16:12,475 --> 00:16:13,497
I know.

387
00:16:13,522 --> 00:16:15,856
Oh, do that thing we taught you.

388
00:16:15,881 --> 00:16:17,614
- You can do it, baby.
- Mm-hmm.

389
00:16:18,737 --> 00:16:20,450
- Yes!
- She blinked!

390
00:16:20,475 --> 00:16:22,137
- Yes! Yes!
- She blinked.

391
00:16:22,162 --> 00:16:24,825
She's gonna use that for
the rest of her life, babe.

392
00:16:24,850 --> 00:16:27,255
We taught her that. We taught her that!

393
00:16:30,475 --> 00:16:31,731
I got to give us credit.

394
00:16:31,756 --> 00:16:34,598
We did a pretty good
job pulling this off.

395
00:16:34,623 --> 00:16:37,130
You can't even tell
this was an erotic cake.

396
00:16:37,155 --> 00:16:41,349
Well, I can, but
I can find boobs in anything.

397
00:16:42,103 --> 00:16:45,247
Okay, everybody, it's cake time.

398
00:16:45,560 --> 00:16:49,450
♪ Ha... ♪

399
00:16:54,002 --> 00:16:56,271
Has anyone seen Leila?

400
00:16:56,296 --> 00:16:58,396
She hasn't been here the whole time.

401
00:16:58,865 --> 00:17:01,583
We lost Leila at her own party?

402
00:17:01,608 --> 00:17:04,242
This does not feel like
a good moment for you.

403
00:17:14,818 --> 00:17:17,519
Hey. Cousin Sebastian, right?

404
00:17:17,554 --> 00:17:19,821
Cousin Sebastian is
what my cousins call me.

405
00:17:19,857 --> 00:17:22,099
You can call me Regular Sebastian.

406
00:17:22,794 --> 00:17:25,494
We saw you talking to Brian,
Nicole and Marc before.

407
00:17:25,529 --> 00:17:26,896
Yeah.

408
00:17:26,921 --> 00:17:30,388
I'm sorry. Why were you
watching me talk to children?

409
00:17:31,011 --> 00:17:33,785
Well, it looked to us
like you really hit it off.

410
00:17:33,810 --> 00:17:35,108
- Yeah.
- They're impressive, right?

411
00:17:35,132 --> 00:17:38,033
If I'm being honest,
they're a little weird.

412
00:17:38,058 --> 00:17:39,958
That older boy's hiding something.

413
00:17:39,983 --> 00:17:43,451
And the younger boy's not
hiding something, but he should.

414
00:17:44,580 --> 00:17:46,083
On the farm, we'd say

415
00:17:46,108 --> 00:17:49,122
those kids are the horse corn of people.

416
00:17:49,807 --> 00:17:51,310
Excuse me!

417
00:17:51,335 --> 00:17:53,116
Well, what in the hell do you know?

418
00:17:53,141 --> 00:17:55,450
About horse corn, quite a bit.

419
00:17:55,847 --> 00:17:57,200
Let me tell you something.

420
00:17:57,225 --> 00:18:00,568
Those kids may be tiny psychos,
but they're special.

421
00:18:00,593 --> 00:18:02,740
Yeah, and they'll make you better.

422
00:18:02,765 --> 00:18:04,732
Nicole is teaching me
how to speak Dothraki,

423
00:18:04,757 --> 00:18:07,992
and Brian made it so that
my car can run on French fry oil.

424
00:18:08,927 --> 00:18:11,599
I'm sorry. Who are you?

425
00:18:11,624 --> 00:18:13,372
I'll tell you who we are.

426
00:18:13,397 --> 00:18:16,027
We may not be some fancy farm cousins,

427
00:18:16,052 --> 00:18:17,819
but we know we're two
people who are lucky enough

428
00:18:17,843 --> 00:18:19,177
to have those kids in our lives.

429
00:18:19,202 --> 00:18:21,669
That's right, and if it takes
you more than five minutes

430
00:18:21,694 --> 00:18:23,527
to recognize that,
then you don't deserve

431
00:18:23,552 --> 00:18:26,505
to have them live on your farm
when Mike and Kay are dead!

432
00:18:27,458 --> 00:18:30,367
I'm more confused now than
when I got this invite

433
00:18:30,392 --> 00:18:33,138
to what I was told was a hog auction.

434
00:18:33,553 --> 00:18:35,193
Well, then, go on!

435
00:18:35,218 --> 00:18:36,458
Go on back to your farm!

436
00:18:36,483 --> 00:18:39,208
I hope your rooster's
broken and you oversleep!

437
00:18:39,233 --> 00:18:42,693
Using a bird as an alarm clock
like the damn Flintstones.

438
00:18:42,718 --> 00:18:44,885
Yabba-dabba-dumbass.

439
00:18:45,208 --> 00:18:46,794
Did you mean all that?

440
00:18:46,819 --> 00:18:48,319
Every word.

441
00:18:48,901 --> 00:18:50,115
Will you do us the honor

442
00:18:50,140 --> 00:18:52,998
of making us your guardians
when your parents die?

443
00:18:53,960 --> 00:18:54,960
Yes.

444
00:18:54,985 --> 00:18:57,227
Yes, a thousand times yes!

445
00:18:59,051 --> 00:19:01,310
You smell like sunsets.

446
00:19:05,655 --> 00:19:08,833
Hey, Leils, we've been looking for you.

447
00:19:08,858 --> 00:19:11,559
This is where I come sometimes
to get away from everything.

448
00:19:11,584 --> 00:19:12,584
Oh.

449
00:19:12,609 --> 00:19:14,725
You don't eat the brownies
we leave down here, do you?

450
00:19:14,749 --> 00:19:16,148
Because those ar..

451
00:19:16,744 --> 00:19:18,978
... poison. Those are poison.

452
00:19:21,186 --> 00:19:23,286
I guess we blew it today, huh?

453
00:19:24,072 --> 00:19:25,997
We're sorry, kiddo.

454
00:19:26,022 --> 00:19:29,107
We got caught up and forgot this
was supposed to be about you.

455
00:19:29,132 --> 00:19:31,403
It's okay. I liked the party.

456
00:19:31,428 --> 00:19:33,036
Well, then what's wrong?

457
00:19:33,061 --> 00:19:34,673
Why you hiding down here?

458
00:19:35,247 --> 00:19:38,560
My favorite part about my old
birthday was doing it with Marc.

459
00:19:38,585 --> 00:19:41,529
Now it's just me.
It's no fun without him.

460
00:19:41,554 --> 00:19:44,188
Mm. Oh, sweetie.

461
00:19:44,213 --> 00:19:46,546
Well, this is your party,

462
00:19:46,571 --> 00:19:49,705
and we said it should
be anything you want.

463
00:19:50,090 --> 00:19:52,943
So... what do you want?

464
00:19:53,919 --> 00:19:55,255
Happy...

465
00:19:55,280 --> 00:19:57,794
well, I guess nobody's birthday.

466
00:19:57,819 --> 00:19:59,966
And our gift to you...

467
00:19:59,991 --> 00:20:00,991
From now on,

468
00:20:01,016 --> 00:20:03,865
me and your mom promise:
no more secrets.

469
00:20:03,890 --> 00:20:06,435
And in the spirit of
our new family honesty,

470
00:20:06,460 --> 00:20:09,216
we'd like it known that
we're okay if you die.

471
00:20:09,241 --> 00:20:11,857
Yeah, us, too.

472
00:20:12,239 --> 00:20:14,172
Pass me the cake. Ooh.

473
00:20:14,197 --> 00:20:15,654
- Yeah.
- I'll get plates.

474
00:20:15,686 --> 00:20:19,364
Well, turned out to be
our most normal birthday ever.

475
00:20:19,389 --> 00:20:20,833
- I know.
- Hmm.

476
00:20:20,858 --> 00:20:22,794
It's almost like we're
getting the hang of this.

477
00:20:23,748 --> 00:20:25,086
Just so you know,

478
00:20:25,111 --> 00:20:27,466
the rental guys are here to
pick up those mattresses.

479
00:20:27,491 --> 00:20:29,044
Uh, those are our mattresses.

480
00:20:29,069 --> 00:20:31,769
Oh. Then, some dudes
are stealing your mattresses.

481
00:20:32,716 --> 00:20:34,630
Come on, Bennetts. We're going to war!

482
00:20:34,655 --> 00:20:37,389
- Let's go, guys.
- Go, go, go!

483
00:20:38,113 --> 00:20:40,497
Ooh, fight. I'm right behind you.

484
00:20:40,841 --> 00:20:42,396
I'm not doing that.

485
00:20:45,836 --> 00:20:47,635
You have a very...

486
00:20:48,255 --> 00:20:49,896
imagination.

487
00:20:49,921 --> 00:20:53,089
Thanks, Irwin. It looks better
when you see it all together.

488
00:21:02,527 --> 00:21:04,159
Oh, damn.

489
00:21:04,357 --> 00:21:06,023
You're one of them, then?

490
00:21:07,060 --> 00:21:09,943
Mom and dad aren't the only ones
who can keep a secret.

491
00:21:10,357 --> 00:21:12,458
Can you keep a secret, Irwin?

492
00:21:17,971 --> 00:21:21,953
Synced & corrected by QueenMaddie
www.addic7ed.com