1
00:00:04,461 --> 00:00:06,632
Mom, I need to tell you something.
2
00:00:06,657 --> 00:00:09,023
Is it that we're in the sixth
phase of mass extinction?
3
00:00:09,048 --> 00:00:10,797
Because you've got to
stop telling people that.
4
00:00:10,821 --> 00:00:12,398
We are running out of babysitters.
5
00:00:16,443 --> 00:00:19,757
No, it's that Dad said
not to use the sink.
6
00:00:21,434 --> 00:00:23,523
Was your snarky retort worth it?
7
00:00:24,907 --> 00:00:28,359
Um, Kay? Oh, hey, buddy.
8
00:00:29,355 --> 00:00:32,570
There's a plastic lady
private part in our microwave.
9
00:00:34,976 --> 00:00:36,242
What?
10
00:00:36,574 --> 00:00:37,898
Plastic V.
11
00:00:37,923 --> 00:00:39,601
In the micro-dubs.
12
00:00:40,616 --> 00:00:43,132
Okay, this is not a micro-dubs.
13
00:00:43,157 --> 00:00:44,687
This is Brian's 3-D printer.
14
00:00:44,712 --> 00:00:46,493
Why would we have a
microwave in the living room?
15
00:00:46,517 --> 00:00:48,399
Why do our kids face magnetic
north when they sneeze?
16
00:00:48,423 --> 00:00:50,094
I don't understand most of
what goes on in this house.
17
00:00:50,118 --> 00:00:51,446
- Just take a look.
- Okay.
18
00:00:51,471 --> 00:00:52,471
You are crazy.
19
00:00:52,496 --> 00:00:53,718
There is no way there's an...
20
00:00:53,743 --> 00:00:55,992
Oh, my God, you're right.
I'm so sorry, ma'am.
21
00:00:58,924 --> 00:01:01,093
You don't think
Brian is using that to...
22
00:01:01,118 --> 00:01:02,531
you know?
23
00:01:03,428 --> 00:01:05,656
He's definitely using that to...
24
00:01:05,681 --> 00:01:07,015
you know.
25
00:01:08,738 --> 00:01:10,843
And probably while
facing magnetic north.
26
00:01:11,857 --> 00:01:14,182
Okay, well, Marc
and Leila might find it, so
27
00:01:14,207 --> 00:01:16,168
- you can't just leave it here.
- What, me? No, what?
28
00:01:16,192 --> 00:01:17,308
You know better than anyone I don't know
29
00:01:17,332 --> 00:01:18,534
what to do with one of these.
30
00:01:19,068 --> 00:01:21,339
Excuse me, what are you two do...?
31
00:01:21,475 --> 00:01:22,566
Where did you get that?
32
00:01:22,591 --> 00:01:23,698
It's not mine.
33
00:01:23,723 --> 00:01:25,745
I three-dimensionally
printed it for a friend.
34
00:01:27,024 --> 00:01:29,557
Sweetie, it's okay.
35
00:01:29,582 --> 00:01:31,065
You don't have to be embarrassed.
36
00:01:31,090 --> 00:01:33,276
I-I'm not, but before you judge me,
37
00:01:33,301 --> 00:01:35,421
you have to picture it
attached to someone.
38
00:01:36,999 --> 00:01:39,401
You're attaching this to someone?
39
00:01:39,772 --> 00:01:41,503
I know this is hard to think about.
40
00:01:41,528 --> 00:01:44,448
But one day, I might have
to attach it to one of you.
41
00:01:46,919 --> 00:01:49,276
Wait, wait, what is this thing?
42
00:01:49,301 --> 00:01:52,856
It's a polycarbonate
tricuspid arterial prosthesis.
43
00:01:55,464 --> 00:01:57,362
A plastic heart valve.
44
00:01:59,692 --> 00:02:02,565
Of course it is!
45
00:02:02,590 --> 00:02:04,175
It's just a standard,
46
00:02:04,200 --> 00:02:07,870
run-of-the-mill, non-sexual heart thing.
47
00:02:08,067 --> 00:02:09,112
Ha-ha!
48
00:02:09,137 --> 00:02:13,096
Aw, my sweet, innocent boy.
49
00:02:13,121 --> 00:02:14,454
See, Mike?
50
00:02:14,479 --> 00:02:16,026
He's a good boy.
51
00:02:16,051 --> 00:02:17,964
It's actually just a rough prototype.
52
00:02:17,989 --> 00:02:20,159
It's not my best work but...
53
00:02:20,646 --> 00:02:21,948
Wait.
54
00:02:21,973 --> 00:02:23,768
What'd you guys think this was?
55
00:02:27,192 --> 00:02:29,104
A poorly constructed heart thing.
56
00:02:29,129 --> 00:02:31,659
We are very disappointed in you,
young man!
57
00:02:40,403 --> 00:02:42,557
Synced & corrected by QueenMaddie
www.addic7ed.com
58
00:02:43,413 --> 00:02:44,838
Whew!
59
00:02:44,863 --> 00:02:45,901
That was a close one.
60
00:02:46,557 --> 00:02:48,799
I mean, I know Brian
told us what it really was,
61
00:02:48,824 --> 00:02:50,842
but I am going to be having nightmares
62
00:02:50,867 --> 00:02:52,334
about that first thing.
63
00:02:53,781 --> 00:02:55,635
You know what made it even worse?
64
00:02:55,660 --> 00:02:57,979
It made me realize we have no idea
65
00:02:58,004 --> 00:02:59,807
what Brian knows about sex.
66
00:02:59,832 --> 00:03:02,026
I mean, did you ever
have the talk with him?
67
00:03:02,051 --> 00:03:04,166
I took him to a lake once.
68
00:03:04,726 --> 00:03:07,034
- So, that's a no?
- Yeah, that's a no.
69
00:03:07,673 --> 00:03:10,323
But giving him
information is terrifying.
70
00:03:10,348 --> 00:03:11,909
Did you ever have the talk with Nicole?
71
00:03:11,934 --> 00:03:14,935
No, she is way scarier than Brian.
72
00:03:15,469 --> 00:03:17,550
But-but we can't avoid this anymore.
73
00:03:17,575 --> 00:03:18,644
Hey, hey, hey.
74
00:03:18,669 --> 00:03:21,800
We can avoid anything we
don't set our minds to.
75
00:03:22,347 --> 00:03:25,511
No, this is what parents do, Mike.
76
00:03:25,536 --> 00:03:28,550
They have awkward conversations
about sex that their kids hate.
77
00:03:28,575 --> 00:03:31,417
But our parents didn't talk to
us and we turned out just fine.
78
00:03:31,442 --> 00:03:33,495
We got pregnant at 19!
79
00:03:34,167 --> 00:03:37,151
You told me weed was "nature's condoms."
80
00:03:38,755 --> 00:03:40,448
You told me that.
81
00:03:41,323 --> 00:03:44,486
But, look, sex is one of the few things
82
00:03:44,511 --> 00:03:46,737
we actually can teach them about.
83
00:03:46,762 --> 00:03:48,269
We are great at it.
84
00:03:48,294 --> 00:03:49,510
Especially you.
85
00:03:49,535 --> 00:03:51,456
You could teach a class at Harvard.
86
00:03:54,841 --> 00:03:56,316
Well, I...
87
00:03:56,341 --> 00:03:58,855
I don't know about Harvard, but...
88
00:03:58,880 --> 00:04:01,417
You're right, it was the
only college I could think of.
89
00:04:03,478 --> 00:04:06,027
But we have to get in front of this
90
00:04:06,052 --> 00:04:09,237
before they get all genius-y and
obsessive about it on their own.
91
00:04:09,262 --> 00:04:11,066
Yeah, you are absolutely right, Kay.
92
00:04:11,091 --> 00:04:13,558
We got to try to keep these
kids on a normal track.
93
00:04:13,583 --> 00:04:14,823
We'll keep it simple!
94
00:04:14,848 --> 00:04:16,701
Same rules as when we get pulled over.
95
00:04:16,726 --> 00:04:18,894
Stick to the facts and say
no more than you have to.
96
00:04:18,919 --> 00:04:19,968
Yeah.
97
00:04:20,705 --> 00:04:22,370
Except in this case, I can't cry
98
00:04:22,395 --> 00:04:24,475
and you can't flash
them to get out of it.
99
00:04:27,858 --> 00:04:30,244
All right, for Brian and Nicole,
we're gonna focus
100
00:04:30,269 --> 00:04:32,385
on being responsible;
and Marc and Leila,
101
00:04:32,410 --> 00:04:34,127
just stick to the basics.
102
00:04:34,152 --> 00:04:35,888
Oh, you're putting out the fancy chips?
103
00:04:35,913 --> 00:04:38,925
I mean, are we gonna do
this or are we gonna do this?
104
00:04:39,706 --> 00:04:42,253
Brian, come on in.
105
00:04:43,757 --> 00:04:45,231
Fancy chips?
106
00:04:45,256 --> 00:04:46,681
This is a trap.
107
00:04:46,706 --> 00:04:48,603
- No.
- No! No.
108
00:04:48,628 --> 00:04:51,565
We just have something
important to talk to you about.
109
00:04:51,598 --> 00:04:54,244
We are going to talk to you about sex.
110
00:04:54,269 --> 00:04:56,436
Fine, what do you want to know?
111
00:04:57,307 --> 00:04:58,636
It's all hormones.
112
00:04:58,661 --> 00:05:00,080
Oxytocin, specifically.
113
00:05:00,105 --> 00:05:01,633
The body produces it when you kiss.
114
00:05:01,658 --> 00:05:03,032
And also, when you breastfeed.
115
00:05:03,057 --> 00:05:04,801
So, really, kissing is just
116
00:05:04,826 --> 00:05:06,826
breastfeeding from each other's mouths.
117
00:05:07,549 --> 00:05:10,253
Gauguin, Oscar Wilde...
118
00:05:10,278 --> 00:05:12,878
Sex is about power. It's a game.
119
00:05:12,903 --> 00:05:15,228
And like in any game, there's a winner.
120
00:05:15,511 --> 00:05:17,159
And a loser.
121
00:05:17,401 --> 00:05:19,765
Wait, why was she looking
at me when she said loser?
122
00:05:19,790 --> 00:05:21,290
Manet...
123
00:05:21,862 --> 00:05:23,846
Edgar Allan Poe...
124
00:05:23,871 --> 00:05:25,492
all died of syphilis.
125
00:05:26,893 --> 00:05:29,095
Even conception is war.
126
00:05:29,120 --> 00:05:32,587
A mass genocide where a single
sperm goes racing to glory,
127
00:05:32,612 --> 00:05:34,829
while half a billion of
his faceless brethren
128
00:05:34,854 --> 00:05:37,242
go screaming to their deaths.
129
00:05:37,267 --> 00:05:38,858
Where's their parade?
130
00:05:39,112 --> 00:05:40,954
They scream?
131
00:05:40,979 --> 00:05:43,267
In a million years,
humans will reproduce asexually
132
00:05:43,292 --> 00:05:45,787
and penises will be mostly decorative.
133
00:05:48,851 --> 00:05:50,517
So, does that all make sense?
134
00:05:50,542 --> 00:05:54,119
Yes, when a mommy and a daddy
love each other very much,
135
00:05:54,144 --> 00:05:58,113
two storks make a baby and
then mail it to their house.
136
00:06:00,568 --> 00:06:03,286
- Nailed it!
- We love you so much!
137
00:06:03,921 --> 00:06:05,880
That was awkward, but we did it.
138
00:06:05,905 --> 00:06:07,294
Still can't believe we made it
139
00:06:07,319 --> 00:06:09,161
through the condom demonstration.
140
00:06:09,908 --> 00:06:12,184
You're actually going to eat that now?
141
00:06:13,529 --> 00:06:15,372
What?
142
00:06:15,397 --> 00:06:17,505
It's back to being a banana again.
143
00:06:18,092 --> 00:06:20,966
You know, I am proud of us.
144
00:06:20,991 --> 00:06:23,255
We were informative,
145
00:06:23,280 --> 00:06:25,851
patient... mature.
146
00:06:25,876 --> 00:06:28,710
So, what do you think
we should do now, Professor?
147
00:06:28,735 --> 00:06:32,700
Hmm, shall we practice what we preached?
148
00:06:39,650 --> 00:06:42,466
So, according to Brian,
that's the same thing...
149
00:06:42,491 --> 00:06:43,560
As breastfeeding, yeah.
150
00:06:43,585 --> 00:06:44,599
Why don't we skip this part?
151
00:06:44,623 --> 00:06:46,536
- Yeah.
- Um...
152
00:06:54,796 --> 00:06:58,122
Are you... trying to win?
153
00:06:58,147 --> 00:06:59,388
No!
154
00:06:59,628 --> 00:07:02,192
I'm just trying not to lose.
155
00:07:02,217 --> 00:07:04,231
Let's try this, here. Go like this.
156
00:07:04,256 --> 00:07:05,270
- What?
- This way.
157
00:07:05,295 --> 00:07:07,426
- Okay.
- Yeah.
158
00:07:07,451 --> 00:07:08,809
- Yeah.
- All right.
159
00:07:08,834 --> 00:07:10,348
Uh, yeah...
160
00:07:14,372 --> 00:07:16,075
This is hot.
161
00:07:16,100 --> 00:07:17,692
Yeah.
162
00:07:17,872 --> 00:07:19,761
What are you thinking?
163
00:07:19,786 --> 00:07:23,098
I'm picturing Edgar Allan Poe
getting syphilis from a banana.
164
00:07:23,611 --> 00:07:25,200
I'm stressed about all the traffic
165
00:07:25,225 --> 00:07:26,887
caused by the sperm parade.
166
00:07:32,115 --> 00:07:34,682
So, I guess
we'll just call it a tie then?
167
00:07:37,499 --> 00:07:39,041
Excuse me, littles?
168
00:07:39,066 --> 00:07:41,276
Senior staff needs the room.
169
00:07:42,794 --> 00:07:45,596
I assume this is regarding
Mom and Dad's talk?
170
00:07:45,621 --> 00:07:47,947
Yes! How mortifying was that?
171
00:07:47,972 --> 00:07:49,322
For them.
172
00:07:49,702 --> 00:07:50,846
Of course, for them.
173
00:07:50,871 --> 00:07:53,205
As if they could teach
us anything about sex.
174
00:07:53,230 --> 00:07:55,213
I know more about sex by 9:00 a.m.
175
00:07:55,238 --> 00:07:57,541
than most people know their whole lives.
176
00:07:58,501 --> 00:08:01,276
Why are they even wasting our
time with these hypotheticals?
177
00:08:01,301 --> 00:08:02,658
I know.
178
00:08:02,683 --> 00:08:05,354
Unless... they're not
supposed to be hypotheticals.
179
00:08:05,379 --> 00:08:07,526
And they actually think
we're close to having sex.
180
00:08:07,832 --> 00:08:09,908
Then they're even dumber than I thought.
181
00:08:11,176 --> 00:08:12,737
Let me ask you something.
182
00:08:12,762 --> 00:08:15,237
How far have you gotten, like, in bases?
183
00:08:15,262 --> 00:08:16,713
What are the bases?
184
00:08:16,738 --> 00:08:18,197
First base is kissing...
185
00:08:18,222 --> 00:08:19,305
Then none.
186
00:08:20,296 --> 00:08:21,791
None base.
187
00:08:22,428 --> 00:08:24,330
Hey, me, too!
188
00:08:24,355 --> 00:08:25,549
But now, I'm worried.
189
00:08:25,574 --> 00:08:28,471
Are other kids our age
kissing and having sex?
190
00:08:28,883 --> 00:08:30,557
Are we behind?
191
00:08:31,347 --> 00:08:33,011
I think we are.
192
00:08:33,036 --> 00:08:34,604
This is unacceptable.
193
00:08:34,629 --> 00:08:37,197
I've never been behind
in anything in my life.
194
00:08:38,243 --> 00:08:39,315
Yes, you have.
195
00:08:39,340 --> 00:08:40,565
To me.
196
00:08:41,532 --> 00:08:44,080
Is this what being you feels like?
197
00:08:44,441 --> 00:08:46,276
No. I can't have this.
198
00:08:46,301 --> 00:08:47,932
We need to have our first kiss.
199
00:08:51,133 --> 00:08:52,830
With each other?
200
00:08:53,543 --> 00:08:55,119
No! No, you weirdo!
201
00:08:55,144 --> 00:08:56,722
With someone else!
202
00:09:02,432 --> 00:09:04,691
Okay, try it now.
203
00:09:05,245 --> 00:09:07,291
- Nothing.
- Nothing?
204
00:09:08,180 --> 00:09:11,072
You know,
I see what the problem is here.
205
00:09:11,097 --> 00:09:12,455
I'm not a plumber.
206
00:09:14,866 --> 00:09:16,502
You know what it is?
207
00:09:16,913 --> 00:09:18,737
I took it for granted.
208
00:09:18,762 --> 00:09:20,619
And now that it's gone,
209
00:09:20,644 --> 00:09:22,744
I realize how much I miss it.
210
00:09:23,934 --> 00:09:26,010
Man, you really love that sink.
211
00:09:27,827 --> 00:09:30,401
Kay and I are having sex issues.
212
00:09:31,007 --> 00:09:32,760
Okay. I'm not a quitter.
213
00:09:32,785 --> 00:09:35,088
- I'm gonna give it one more try.
- Whoa...
214
00:09:35,770 --> 00:09:38,385
We, uh, we had the talk.
215
00:09:38,410 --> 00:09:40,260
- You know, with the kids?
- Oh.
216
00:09:40,285 --> 00:09:42,690
And, uh, they've
totally gotten in our heads.
217
00:09:42,715 --> 00:09:44,471
They-They've ruined our sex life.
218
00:09:44,496 --> 00:09:46,401
Well, sure, that's what kids do.
219
00:09:46,426 --> 00:09:48,596
They ruin all the things you love.
220
00:09:48,621 --> 00:09:50,455
Your couch, your sleep,
221
00:09:50,480 --> 00:09:52,549
your collection of glass penguins.
222
00:09:52,880 --> 00:09:55,182
I told you,
you got to keep them up high.
223
00:09:55,207 --> 00:09:57,643
Then how's anyone gonna see them, Mike?
224
00:09:59,402 --> 00:10:00,455
How long has it been?
225
00:10:00,480 --> 00:10:02,494
Well, we had the talk three days ago.
226
00:10:02,519 --> 00:10:04,252
- Mm-hmm.
- But...
227
00:10:04,277 --> 00:10:06,987
now that I think about it,
we haven't had sex in...
228
00:10:11,316 --> 00:10:14,213
Okay, if you go to your second hand,
I might need to tap out.
229
00:10:16,035 --> 00:10:17,237
Oh, my God, it's been...
230
00:10:17,262 --> 00:10:19,688
Eight freakin' weeks?
231
00:10:20,541 --> 00:10:22,385
Uh, let's just say two months.
232
00:10:22,410 --> 00:10:23,838
It sounds less sad.
233
00:10:24,331 --> 00:10:26,643
Come on, you're supposed
to be making me feel better.
234
00:10:26,668 --> 00:10:28,307
Better? You don't need to feel better.
235
00:10:28,332 --> 00:10:30,026
You need to have sex.
236
00:10:30,838 --> 00:10:33,612
So, look, is this the longest
you've ever gone?
237
00:10:33,637 --> 00:10:35,752
I don't know. I've never
really thought about it.
238
00:10:35,777 --> 00:10:36,964
But now that I am thinking about it,
239
00:10:36,988 --> 00:10:38,494
it's all I can think about.
240
00:10:38,728 --> 00:10:40,369
So, girl, what you gonna do?
241
00:10:40,394 --> 00:10:42,197
I don't know what we're gonna do.
242
00:10:42,222 --> 00:10:44,971
You think "talk about it with Irwin"
was my first choice?
243
00:10:45,568 --> 00:10:48,542
Okay, you and Kay
just got to mix it up a bit.
244
00:10:48,567 --> 00:10:50,136
You know, like, surprise her.
245
00:10:50,161 --> 00:10:51,777
Like a little, um... boo!
246
00:10:51,802 --> 00:10:53,316
Oh, geez!
247
00:10:53,512 --> 00:10:54,839
- See?
- Whew!
248
00:10:54,864 --> 00:10:56,308
Oh.
249
00:10:57,086 --> 00:10:59,489
Yeah, my heart is racing.
250
00:10:59,514 --> 00:11:00,555
Yeah.
251
00:11:00,681 --> 00:11:01,941
That works for you guys?
252
00:11:01,966 --> 00:11:04,817
Honestly, bro, I can't even
remember half the stuff we try.
253
00:11:04,961 --> 00:11:06,555
Like, we started doing this thing
254
00:11:06,580 --> 00:11:08,097
where we take sleeping pills,
255
00:11:08,122 --> 00:11:10,256
and then we do crazy
stuff to each other.
256
00:11:10,281 --> 00:11:13,472
And the next morning,
that bedroom is wrecked!
257
00:11:14,376 --> 00:11:16,354
So, I started doing this thing, right,
258
00:11:16,379 --> 00:11:17,964
where I give Irwin sleeping pills.
259
00:11:17,989 --> 00:11:20,097
He passes out, I trash the room.
260
00:11:20,122 --> 00:11:22,008
Next day, he thinks we had a wild night,
261
00:11:22,033 --> 00:11:23,472
and I got my eight hours.
262
00:11:24,725 --> 00:11:26,597
So, you have so much sex,
263
00:11:26,622 --> 00:11:29,058
you have to drug your
husband for a break.
264
00:11:29,083 --> 00:11:30,582
How does that help me?
265
00:11:30,698 --> 00:11:31,698
All right.
266
00:11:31,723 --> 00:11:34,199
What about role-playing?
267
00:11:34,398 --> 00:11:35,792
Me and Irwin do that.
268
00:11:35,817 --> 00:11:38,191
Last week, I was a teacher
269
00:11:38,216 --> 00:11:39,628
who had an affair with a student.
270
00:11:39,653 --> 00:11:41,558
And he was my state-appointed attorney.
271
00:11:41,583 --> 00:11:43,980
And we both knew I was guilty.
272
00:11:47,820 --> 00:11:49,058
So, after starting with
273
00:11:49,083 --> 00:11:52,019
118 suitable first-kiss candidates...
274
00:11:52,778 --> 00:11:55,355
I've narrowed it down
to these three options.
275
00:11:55,652 --> 00:11:58,370
I've based my rankings on
a proprietary algorithm
276
00:11:58,395 --> 00:12:00,558
that factors criteria like reputation,
277
00:12:00,583 --> 00:12:02,847
reliability and quality of character.
278
00:12:04,703 --> 00:12:06,295
I like the one in the middle.
279
00:12:06,320 --> 00:12:07,480
Oh, me, too!
280
00:12:07,505 --> 00:12:09,199
He's so cute, right?
281
00:12:10,097 --> 00:12:11,917
How's the first kiss search going?
282
00:12:11,942 --> 00:12:13,777
Mm, making progress. What about you?
283
00:12:13,802 --> 00:12:16,456
I'd say... pretty good.
284
00:12:18,519 --> 00:12:19,613
What is that?
285
00:12:19,638 --> 00:12:22,316
It's a 3-D-printed,
polycarbonate half-face.
286
00:12:22,341 --> 00:12:24,769
The future of first base.
287
00:12:25,585 --> 00:12:27,136
It's creepy.
288
00:12:28,164 --> 00:12:30,136
It's smart. Before I kiss someone,
289
00:12:30,161 --> 00:12:32,761
I need to be good at it,
so I'm gonna use this to practice.
290
00:12:32,786 --> 00:12:34,574
Malcolm Gladwell says
you have to do something
291
00:12:34,598 --> 00:12:36,566
for 10,000 hours to be an expert,
292
00:12:36,591 --> 00:12:39,277
so watch out, ladies of 2029.
293
00:12:42,377 --> 00:12:43,558
When I run for office,
294
00:12:43,583 --> 00:12:45,964
you're just gonna go away, right?
295
00:12:46,917 --> 00:12:48,675
Quip all you want, old mare.
296
00:12:48,700 --> 00:12:50,324
While your kissing is still in beta,
297
00:12:50,349 --> 00:12:52,511
mine will be ready to launch.
298
00:12:53,025 --> 00:12:54,959
Come on. I'll show you my room.
299
00:12:57,636 --> 00:12:58,831
Lucky Brian.
300
00:12:58,856 --> 00:13:01,124
He's gonna live at home forever.
301
00:13:04,132 --> 00:13:06,722
Oh, Mike?
302
00:13:08,565 --> 00:13:10,144
Mike?
303
00:13:11,648 --> 00:13:13,230
- Mike?!
- Boo.
304
00:13:13,910 --> 00:13:14,964
Ooh.
305
00:13:15,198 --> 00:13:16,769
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
306
00:13:16,794 --> 00:13:19,214
I'm so sorry. I'm sorry. Are you okay?
307
00:13:19,499 --> 00:13:22,339
- What was that?
- Irwin said...
308
00:13:22,364 --> 00:13:23,386
... surprise you.
309
00:13:24,387 --> 00:13:27,136
Is it... sexy?
310
00:13:27,161 --> 00:13:29,598
Uh, no.
311
00:13:33,461 --> 00:13:35,230
What-what are you wearing?
312
00:13:36,128 --> 00:13:37,605
Oh.
313
00:13:39,986 --> 00:13:42,456
I dressed up as that
superhero you think is hot...
314
00:13:42,481 --> 00:13:44,628
The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel.
315
00:13:46,880 --> 00:13:50,035
No, no, no, that... It's Captain Marvel.
316
00:13:51,421 --> 00:13:54,331
Mrs. Maisel could never defeat Thanos.
317
00:13:59,603 --> 00:14:01,769
So I guess you did the math today, too?
318
00:14:01,794 --> 00:14:04,238
No, I went to
the Halloween shop in February
319
00:14:04,263 --> 00:14:07,066
because I'm feeling
great about our sex life.
320
00:14:07,497 --> 00:14:09,072
What happened?
321
00:14:09,097 --> 00:14:11,550
We never used to have to try like this.
322
00:14:11,575 --> 00:14:13,003
The moment would just hit us.
323
00:14:13,028 --> 00:14:15,292
It wouldn't matter where we
were or what we were doing.
324
00:14:15,317 --> 00:14:17,839
Or what denomination the church was.
325
00:14:18,020 --> 00:14:19,800
- It was just spontaneous.
- Yeah.
326
00:14:19,825 --> 00:14:21,874
And now we're trying
to plan spontaneous.
327
00:14:21,898 --> 00:14:23,870
All those times other couples complained
328
00:14:23,895 --> 00:14:27,433
about their sex lives,
we were like, "Sucks to be them."
329
00:14:27,458 --> 00:14:29,566
Now we're the them it sucks to be.
330
00:14:33,777 --> 00:14:36,027
Well, I guess Brian was right.
331
00:14:37,437 --> 00:14:40,144
Your penis has become mostly decorative.
332
00:14:47,187 --> 00:14:49,387
We are right on schedule, Leils.
333
00:14:49,412 --> 00:14:52,074
As soon as that guy
and his mouth shows up,
334
00:14:52,099 --> 00:14:55,230
I'll suggest we skip
tutoring and take a walk.
335
00:14:55,255 --> 00:14:57,558
Then, after two-thirds of a mile,
336
00:14:57,583 --> 00:15:00,083
I'll take out my hair
tie and do one of these.
337
00:15:01,070 --> 00:15:04,339
A single strand of hair
will fall in my face.
338
00:15:04,364 --> 00:15:06,417
That's when he'll
reach out with his hand,
339
00:15:06,442 --> 00:15:10,824
tuck the hair behind my ear,
lean in and...
340
00:15:10,849 --> 00:15:13,785
Checkmate, another rite
of passage in the books.
341
00:15:14,233 --> 00:15:16,183
Like a fairy tale.
342
00:15:16,953 --> 00:15:19,433
I've made sure everything is perfect.
343
00:15:19,458 --> 00:15:21,581
How do you make sure a kiss is perfect?
344
00:15:21,606 --> 00:15:23,722
Well, you, uh...
345
00:15:24,390 --> 00:15:25,777
Huh?
346
00:15:26,772 --> 00:15:28,472
What if it's bad?
347
00:15:28,497 --> 00:15:31,245
It won't be. I excel at everything.
348
00:15:31,270 --> 00:15:33,574
Except, I've never done this before,
349
00:15:33,599 --> 00:15:34,730
so I suppose there is a
350
00:15:34,755 --> 00:15:37,339
non-zero chance that I might be bad.
351
00:15:37,364 --> 00:15:40,284
But who cares? It's not a big deal.
352
00:15:40,309 --> 00:15:42,791
It's just a really cute guy
353
00:15:42,816 --> 00:15:46,259
on his way to my house
right now to kiss me.
354
00:15:46,284 --> 00:15:47,878
And did you know he plays guitar?
355
00:15:47,903 --> 00:15:50,425
I mean, he only knows
that one Ed Sheeran song.
356
00:15:50,450 --> 00:15:51,933
But maybe it's because he's too busy
357
00:15:51,958 --> 00:15:53,528
kissing other girls
to learn another one.
358
00:15:53,552 --> 00:15:56,417
And what if he kisses
me and I'm the worst?
359
00:15:56,711 --> 00:15:58,550
Or maybe it'll be good.
360
00:16:02,343 --> 00:16:03,643
Hey, babe.
361
00:16:03,861 --> 00:16:05,105
What are you doing?
362
00:16:05,130 --> 00:16:06,488
Baking bread.
363
00:16:06,513 --> 00:16:09,363
Yeah, I bake bread now. Mm-hmm.
364
00:16:09,388 --> 00:16:11,145
I was thinking,
instead of stressing at night
365
00:16:11,169 --> 00:16:13,636
about if we're gonna do it,
or why we're not doing it,
366
00:16:13,661 --> 00:16:16,191
or can we get it done before
they unmask the singer,
367
00:16:17,187 --> 00:16:19,824
I am going to channel
that energy into bread.
368
00:16:19,849 --> 00:16:21,691
I love that. I love it!
369
00:16:21,716 --> 00:16:24,097
No one is ever mad when bread shows up.
370
00:16:24,919 --> 00:16:28,456
I had the same thought,
except I am going to try
371
00:16:28,481 --> 00:16:30,011
every single type of soda.
372
00:16:30,036 --> 00:16:33,066
Domestic, small batch, international.
373
00:16:33,608 --> 00:16:35,464
We are in the middle of a soda-sance
374
00:16:35,489 --> 00:16:37,550
- and almost missed it.
- Yeah.
375
00:16:37,922 --> 00:16:40,974
Time to pop the top on
a new chapter of life.
376
00:16:44,740 --> 00:16:46,527
Croatian soda.
377
00:16:47,561 --> 00:16:49,245
This shouldn't exist.
378
00:16:54,080 --> 00:16:55,080
Hey, honey.
379
00:16:55,105 --> 00:16:56,473
Want to come in and
help your mom bake bread
380
00:16:56,497 --> 00:16:58,038
for the rest of her life?
381
00:16:58,488 --> 00:17:00,913
You know what? Sure.
382
00:17:01,324 --> 00:17:02,628
Really?
383
00:17:03,087 --> 00:17:05,372
Awesome. Pull up some dough.
384
00:17:06,536 --> 00:17:08,396
So... can I ask you something?
385
00:17:08,421 --> 00:17:10,099
This is your first time
doing this, right?
386
00:17:10,124 --> 00:17:11,685
Oh, God, yeah.
387
00:17:12,599 --> 00:17:14,232
And since this is your first time,
388
00:17:14,257 --> 00:17:16,420
it's okay if it's not perfect, right?
389
00:17:16,445 --> 00:17:18,990
It would even be
understandable if it were bad.
390
00:17:19,015 --> 00:17:21,755
Hmm. I used to think that.
391
00:17:22,147 --> 00:17:23,958
But now I realize
392
00:17:23,983 --> 00:17:26,479
it's important it's
good in the beginning,
393
00:17:27,122 --> 00:17:29,294
'cause before you know it,
it all fades away,
394
00:17:29,319 --> 00:17:32,349
and all you have left is the
memory of when it was good.
395
00:17:33,388 --> 00:17:35,681
So, if this bread
doesn't turn out great,
396
00:17:35,706 --> 00:17:38,470
I don't know what the point
of everything after it is.
397
00:17:41,884 --> 00:17:44,009
- I need your mouth.
- What?
398
00:17:44,915 --> 00:17:46,582
The half-face.
399
00:17:46,606 --> 00:17:48,017
I need to practice.
400
00:17:48,042 --> 00:17:51,337
I'm on the precipice of a
major developmental milestone.
401
00:17:51,362 --> 00:17:53,665
I'm not kissing the same
thermoplastic half-face
402
00:17:53,690 --> 00:17:55,165
as my sister.
403
00:17:55,605 --> 00:17:57,080
That's weird.
404
00:17:58,095 --> 00:18:02,017
Okay, you're weird,
and that thing can do better.
405
00:18:03,859 --> 00:18:06,282
Now where's the face? In your room?
406
00:18:06,619 --> 00:18:08,064
- Yes.
- Give it to me!
407
00:18:08,089 --> 00:18:10,993
No, I love her.
I mean, I mean, she's expensive!
408
00:18:11,018 --> 00:18:12,923
Hey, guys, what is going on?
409
00:18:12,948 --> 00:18:14,439
Some of us are trying
410
00:18:14,464 --> 00:18:16,681
to drink the root beers
of Russia down here.
411
00:18:16,706 --> 00:18:18,501
She's trying to kidnap my mouth!
412
00:18:18,526 --> 00:18:20,046
- Give it!
- No!
413
00:18:20,913 --> 00:18:23,001
Why do I ever leave the basement?
414
00:18:25,268 --> 00:18:27,157
Keep back, or I'll shoot!
415
00:18:27,182 --> 00:18:28,251
Okay. Okay.
416
00:18:28,276 --> 00:18:30,104
- What is happening here?
- I don't know,
417
00:18:30,129 --> 00:18:31,455
but if they screw with my egg bread,
418
00:18:31,479 --> 00:18:33,556
I will burn this house down.
419
00:18:34,079 --> 00:18:36,556
Brian's been making out
with a weird plastic mouth.
420
00:18:36,581 --> 00:18:38,501
She has more class in her half-face
421
00:18:38,526 --> 00:18:39,986
than you have in your whole body.
422
00:18:40,011 --> 00:18:41,501
Give it to me!
423
00:18:41,894 --> 00:18:43,665
- Oh! Turn it off!
- Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa!
424
00:18:43,690 --> 00:18:44,830
- It won't turn off!
- No, no, no, no!
425
00:18:44,854 --> 00:18:46,321
Oh, okay. Hold on.
426
00:18:46,346 --> 00:18:47,771
Got it, got it, got it.
427
00:18:47,796 --> 00:18:49,704
- You got it?
- Got it, got it.
428
00:18:54,426 --> 00:18:56,204
I think the sink might be broken?
429
00:18:59,166 --> 00:19:00,939
Oh.
430
00:19:12,359 --> 00:19:15,454
- I hate soda.
- I am done with bread.
431
00:19:19,587 --> 00:19:21,821
Well, hello there, Mr. Harvard.
432
00:19:21,846 --> 00:19:23,900
Oh, actually, it's Dr. Harvard.
433
00:19:23,925 --> 00:19:25,845
Dr. Harvard J. Yale.
434
00:19:26,258 --> 00:19:27,939
Why are you two happy?
435
00:19:28,970 --> 00:19:30,790
Because...
436
00:19:30,815 --> 00:19:33,329
the sink is working again.
437
00:19:33,354 --> 00:19:35,157
Ay-oh!
438
00:19:35,182 --> 00:19:37,782
Yeah, and we just accepted
439
00:19:37,807 --> 00:19:40,009
that sometimes the
sink's gonna work a lot,
440
00:19:40,034 --> 00:19:41,676
sometimes not at all.
441
00:19:41,701 --> 00:19:43,440
You know, the problem
wasn't even the broken sink.
442
00:19:43,464 --> 00:19:45,884
It was all of the analyzing
and overthinking.
443
00:19:45,909 --> 00:19:46,909
Yeah.
444
00:19:46,934 --> 00:19:49,290
By the way, if there was anyone
445
00:19:49,315 --> 00:19:52,103
I could share a sinkless forever with,
446
00:19:52,128 --> 00:19:54,181
- it's you.
- Aw.
447
00:19:55,986 --> 00:19:57,720
I don't understand.
448
00:19:57,745 --> 00:19:59,657
They just storked.
449
00:20:05,253 --> 00:20:08,571
So, you guys want to tell
us what that was all about?
450
00:20:08,625 --> 00:20:10,325
Uh, we panicked.
451
00:20:10,350 --> 00:20:11,434
Your talk freaked us out
452
00:20:11,459 --> 00:20:13,903
and made us think we should be
closer than we are to doing it.
453
00:20:14,171 --> 00:20:15,942
I couldn't even kiss the half-face.
454
00:20:15,967 --> 00:20:17,847
I've been wooing it for two days.
455
00:20:18,669 --> 00:20:21,903
I guess we did throw
a lot of stuff at you.
456
00:20:22,059 --> 00:20:24,217
We thought you were ready,
but the most important thing
457
00:20:24,241 --> 00:20:26,325
to know is that it's okay
to not be ready.
458
00:20:26,350 --> 00:20:28,075
And when you are, you'll know.
459
00:20:28,576 --> 00:20:30,395
Oh, that's my kiss.
460
00:20:30,420 --> 00:20:32,802
- I don't think I'm...
- I'll take care of it.
461
00:20:35,647 --> 00:20:37,919
Sorry. Nicole's not coming.
462
00:20:37,944 --> 00:20:39,942
But there's someone
else you should meet.
463
00:20:41,273 --> 00:20:43,966
Treat her right.
I just want her to be happy.
464
00:20:43,991 --> 00:20:46,223
That's why I printed her with a smile.
465
00:20:51,952 --> 00:20:53,825
Hey, buddy.
466
00:20:55,627 --> 00:20:57,317
We're returning that 3-D printer.
467
00:20:57,342 --> 00:20:58,692
Okay.
468
00:20:59,411 --> 00:21:01,005
Can we have a movie night?
469
00:21:01,311 --> 00:21:03,059
- Absolutely we can!
- Yeah.
470
00:21:03,084 --> 00:21:05,621
- Great idea. What's up?
- Yes. Oop. Yup.
471
00:21:05,646 --> 00:21:06,646
What should we watch?
472
00:21:06,671 --> 00:21:09,505
Oh, Marc DVR'd a documentary
that explores the multitude
473
00:21:09,530 --> 00:21:12,661
of possible gradations present
in an achromatic color.
474
00:21:12,810 --> 00:21:14,505
- Sounds thrilling.
- Yeah.
475
00:21:14,530 --> 00:21:16,099
It's called Fifty Shades of Grey.
476
00:21:16,124 --> 00:21:18,028
- No. No, no. No.
- No!
477
00:21:18,053 --> 00:21:20,013
Synced & corrected by QueenMaddie
www.addic7ed.com