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BOB HEARTS ABISHOLA#212
"We Don't Rat on Family"
Closed Captioned
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Previously onBob Hearts Abishola...
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When you see Bob,
tell him I'm happy for him.
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I will.
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He doesn't talkto me anymore.
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Well, that might be because
you hurt him very badly.
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Yeah.
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-When you cheated on him.
-Mm-hmm.
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With his childhood friend.
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Hang on. There are two sides
to that story.
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Oh. What is your side?
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Well, I don't come off real good
in that one, either.
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Bob has to present himself
to Abishola's family.
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If they don't like him,
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they can forbid
the marriage.
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So, you telling me if Bob
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rubs some second cousin
the wrong way,
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-you can't marry him?
No.
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-But she
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can never return to Nigeria.
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-Or Texas.
-Huh?
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I have family there.
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Poor sock man.
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He tries to give you
a diamond ring,
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and suddenly, he's proposing
to a whole village.
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It's not the whole village.
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At most, it will
be 200 people.
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Excuse me, ma'am.
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That is a beautiful ring.
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-Ah, thank you.
-It was a gift.
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Someone must love you very much
to give you a ring like that.
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Eh, I suppose so.
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And do you have the same
feelings towards him
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that he has towards you?
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Eh, I suppose so.
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You love screwing
-with me, don't you?
-I do.
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Need to get that?
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Uh...
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Oh, it's my mother.
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I'll call her back later.
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I could say hi.
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That is whyI will call her back later.
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We're getting married. I
have to meet her eventually.
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-Why are you rushing?
-Enjoy this time
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while you do not know her.
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Are you worried about
what she'll think of me?
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Because I'll have you know,
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I'm very charming.
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I did not like youwhen I first met you.
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But I wore you down.
That's my specialty.
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You are ridiculous.
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Ridiculously charming.
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Come on, call her
back. Let me say hi.
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All right.
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But there will be otherfamily members in attendance
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who will want to speakto you, as well.
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That's fine. How
many we talking?
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Uncles, aunties,cousins, grandparents.
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11 or 12.
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Put the phone down.
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-What?
-Put it down.
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I'm not ready.
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You set me up.
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Eh, I suppose so.
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Hey, guys, am I
pronouncing this right?
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E nle ma?
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Are you trying
to respectfully greet
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a female elder in my language?
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-Yes.
-Then no.
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Was I close?
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No.
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All right, forget
that. Traditionally,
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I'm supposed to lie on the
ground when I meet her family?
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-What if we meet in a bathroom?
-Oh,
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Mr. Wheeler,
if you meet them in a bathroom,
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you have already done
something terribly wrong.
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It is also acceptable to bow,bending at the waist,
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dropping your handsto your feet.
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Yeah. Maybe if I did
a little stretching first,
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I could pull that off.
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Mr. Wheeler,
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why are you
putting yourself through this?
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Because it's tradition.
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You got engaged
while she was still married.
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You have already stompedon tradition
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like a burning bag of doo-dooleft at your doorstep
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by local pranksters.
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I keep telling you,
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when you stomp on the feces,
the neighborhood kids win.
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And,
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Mr. Wheeler,
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your ignorancehas already gotten you this far.
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-Why stop now?
-Goodwin is right.
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Lean intoyour American naivete.
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When you meet her mother,
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wear a cowboy hatand a big belt buckle.
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And say...
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"Howdy, ma'am."
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Thanks for all your help.
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Y'all come back,
now, you hear?
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You are very goodwith accents.
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Much obliged, pardner.
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Here you go, sweetie.
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Tomorrow's Bride.
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Oh, thank you.
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Apparently,the brides of tomorrow
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are all whiteand one Asian lady,
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but you get the idea.
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Ah,
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you are finally
planning the wedding.
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I will send you a list of
dates I still have open,
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but act quickly.
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This dress
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-would lookso beautiful on you.
-Oh.
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Yes, it would.
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But my mother
would hate it.
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Oh, also this one.
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Oh, and this one.
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Who cares what she thinks?
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It's your day.
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A wedding
is all about the bride.
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Maybe in America. In Nigeria,
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it's all about the family.
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The bride is lucky
to be invited.
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Mm-hmm.
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The family uses the wedding
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as a way to show
off their wealth,
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and your friends use it
as a way to show off themselves.
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Her first wedding was perfect.
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Hundreds of guests,
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all of them looking at me.
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What about Abishola?
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She saw me, too.
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I remember being so upset
about my dress.
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-Ugh. I hated it.
-So what? Everybody did.
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But your mother loved it,
and that is what's important.
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Well, around here,
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you don't have to worry
about what anyone else wants.
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They just go to weddings
to get drunk
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and hook up
with some second cousin.
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-Mm-hmm.
-We have that, too.
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It was a third cousin,
and I was not drunk.
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Oh.
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That's an ugly dress.
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Your mother would love it.
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Hello, Bob.
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E kaale, Uncle.
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Are you okay?
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Do you have a cramp?
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No, I'm bowing in respect.
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And cramping.
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Abishola is at
work, and Olu
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"is at Bible study."
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I did the quotes
because she is actually getting
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her "hair dyed."
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That did not need the quotes.
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I actually came to see you.
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How wonderful.
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Would you like some tea?
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I also have
some fun-sized candy bars
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hidden around the apartment.
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I'm okay.
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Ah, suit yourself.
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It's come to my attention
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that I did not court Abishola
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in the traditional Nigerian way.
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You certainly did not.
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Well,
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for the wedding,
I want to do it right,
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and I was hoping
you could help guide me
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through the process.
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It would be an honor
for me to be an emissary
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from my family to yours.
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That's great.
Now, I was hoping we could ...aditionally,
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you would bow again,
but don't worry about it.
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Oh, thanks.
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You're really not going to bow.
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Well, I guess that's why
we are doing this.
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Uh, I did
a little research,
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and I wrote
my letter of intent
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stating my case to marry
your beautiful niece.
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I see your mission
is to make me cry today.
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Give it to me.
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I took
a few creative liberties,
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-but I think it's okay.
-Hmm.
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There is no immediate
-mention of God.
-Is that a problem?
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Not if you're writing
this letter to Satan.
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Uh, give me a pen.
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In the next paragraph,
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you are asking permission
to marry Abishola.
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Was that not right?
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It is not.
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It must be from the
perspective of your family
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asking her family
for permission.
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-Got it. Great tip.
-No. No.
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What is this?
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Oh, I used the flower
as a metaphor.
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Lovely. But no.
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No.
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What was the name
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of your neighbor I threw a
drink on at your first wedding?
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Abeni.
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No, the other one.
She has a mustache.
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-Ewatomi.
-That's right.
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Make sure you put
her at my table
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so I can show off my sexy
pharmacist boyfriend.
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I will have Chukwuemeka
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grow a mustache that
will put hers to shame.
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I do not think
Ewatomi will be there.
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No? Is she dead?
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Did my curse work?
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She will not be invited. I have
not spoken to her in years.
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So what?
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So, suddenly you're
only inviting
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00:08:31,314 --> 00:08:33,272
people you speak to?
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00:08:33,316 --> 00:08:36,014
-Yes.
-You don't speak to your
mother's hairdresser.
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Are you saying
she cannot come?
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Yes.
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Oh, my God.
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You are considering
a small wedding.
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If I had a drink,
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I would throw it
in your face.
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What is the point
of putting myself on display
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for everybody I know?
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00:08:50,159 --> 00:08:51,334
And their friends?
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00:08:51,377 --> 00:08:53,466
And their friends' friends?
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00:08:53,510 --> 00:08:55,338
To show off your
wonderful life.
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I do not want to show off.
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But I do.
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Abishola, what has
happened to you?
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This is the way
we do things.
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00:09:00,952 --> 00:09:02,345
It does not have to be.
233
00:09:02,388 --> 00:09:05,827
Okay, but people
would talk.
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00:09:05,870 --> 00:09:09,091
I am a divorced Nigerian woman
marrying a white man.
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00:09:09,134 --> 00:09:11,006
People are already talking.
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00:09:11,049 --> 00:09:13,574
And that is why you
have a big wedding--
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00:09:13,617 --> 00:09:17,403
to distract them from your
ridiculous relationship.
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00:09:17,447 --> 00:09:19,580
I just want the day
to be about Bob and me.
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00:09:19,623 --> 00:09:20,798
Is that so wrong?
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00:09:20,842 --> 00:09:22,583
Yes!
241
00:09:24,672 --> 00:09:27,196
But you are my
best friend,
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so I support
your desires.
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00:09:29,111 --> 00:09:31,374
Thank you, Kemi.
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Your selfish,
selfish desires.
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00:09:39,077 --> 00:09:41,340
Bobby,
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you're just in time
to celebrate.
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What's the occasion?
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We found a bottle of champagne.
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Had a nice talk with
your buddy Tunde, by the way.
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00:09:49,914 --> 00:09:51,350
-What?
-Yeah.
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00:09:51,394 --> 00:09:52,525
He said
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part of being an emissary
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is making sure
the groom's family
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isn't hiding a crazy cousin
in the attic.
255
00:09:57,226 --> 00:09:59,576
What'd you tell him?
256
00:09:59,620 --> 00:10:00,664
I said we don't
keep her in the attic.
257
00:10:01,796 --> 00:10:03,058
That's not funny.
258
00:10:03,101 --> 00:10:05,538
Whatever. Tunde laughed.
259
00:10:05,582 --> 00:10:06,888
Tunde called me, too.
260
00:10:06,931 --> 00:10:08,585
I told him it's none
of his business.
261
00:10:08,629 --> 00:10:11,240
What happens in the family
stays in the family.
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00:10:11,283 --> 00:10:14,243
But nothing's happening
in the family.
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That's exactly what I told him.
264
00:10:17,159 --> 00:10:19,422
Why are you saying it like that?
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00:10:19,465 --> 00:10:21,119
Like what?
266
00:10:22,773 --> 00:10:24,775
He didn't call me.
267
00:10:24,819 --> 00:10:26,342
Why didn't he call me?
268
00:10:26,385 --> 00:10:28,692
I don't want him
calling anybody.
269
00:10:28,736 --> 00:10:29,998
He can call
whoever he wants,
270
00:10:30,041 --> 00:10:32,130
he's not getting a thing.
271
00:10:32,174 --> 00:10:35,351
We're like the Corleones--
we don't rat on family.
272
00:10:37,788 --> 00:10:39,703
Oh, no. It's-it's Tunde.
273
00:10:39,747 --> 00:10:41,357
What do I do?
274
00:10:44,403 --> 00:10:46,754
Well, you heard the lady.
We don't rat on family.
275
00:10:54,370 --> 00:10:56,285
Bob,
276
00:10:56,328 --> 00:10:57,503
what are you doing here?
277
00:10:57,547 --> 00:10:58,809
I was in the
neighborhood, and I saw
278
00:10:58,853 --> 00:11:00,637
you posted a picture
of your moin moin.
279
00:11:00,681 --> 00:11:03,901
Oh, the shapes they mold them in
are so whimsical.
280
00:11:04,859 --> 00:11:07,165
Hey...
281
00:11:07,209 --> 00:11:10,386
did you really have
to call my family?
282
00:11:10,429 --> 00:11:11,735
I was just trying
to be thorough.
283
00:11:11,779 --> 00:11:13,171
But you know me.
284
00:11:13,215 --> 00:11:16,087
And the Bundys thought they
knew Ted.
285
00:11:16,131 --> 00:11:17,698
This was supposed
to be you helping me out,
286
00:11:17,741 --> 00:11:19,700
maybe putting in a good word
with the in-laws?
287
00:11:19,743 --> 00:11:21,484
Well, I am helping you out.
288
00:11:21,527 --> 00:11:23,747
I am making sure
you succeed.
289
00:11:23,791 --> 00:11:27,838
And I should not tell you this,
but you are doing well.
290
00:11:27,882 --> 00:11:29,840
Great to hear.
291
00:11:29,884 --> 00:11:32,234
So are we done
with interrogating my family?
292
00:11:32,277 --> 00:11:34,802
Not quite.
I also called your ex-wife.
293
00:11:34,845 --> 00:11:37,718
Why would you do that?
294
00:11:37,761 --> 00:11:40,111
To better understand why
your first marriage failed.
295
00:11:40,155 --> 00:11:42,461
All right, well,
what did she say?
296
00:11:42,505 --> 00:11:44,246
Oh, I don't know.
I haven't talked to her yet.
297
00:11:44,289 --> 00:11:47,292
Hey, Bobby Socks.
298
00:11:47,336 --> 00:11:50,034
Oh, you are killing me, Tunde.
299
00:11:58,477 --> 00:12:01,480
Relax, Bob. I'm not gonna
say anything bad.
300
00:12:01,524 --> 00:12:03,526
He has major trust issues.
301
00:12:03,569 --> 00:12:06,529
Tunde, please don't do this.
302
00:12:06,572 --> 00:12:07,965
I am just trying to help you
303
00:12:08,009 --> 00:12:10,620
avoid making the same mistakes
with Abishola.
304
00:12:10,663 --> 00:12:12,013
I didn't make a
mistake with this one.
305
00:12:12,056 --> 00:12:13,797
She had an affair
with my best friend.
306
00:12:13,841 --> 00:12:16,974
That is a part of the story,
but is it the whole book?
307
00:12:18,280 --> 00:12:20,151
The Mistress Named
308
00:12:20,195 --> 00:12:22,806
MaxDot Therapeutic Hosiery.
309
00:12:22,850 --> 00:12:24,373
Interesting.
310
00:12:24,416 --> 00:12:26,375
That is the name of his company.
311
00:12:27,376 --> 00:12:29,508
His first and only love.
312
00:12:29,552 --> 00:12:31,510
Can I get a beer?
313
00:12:31,554 --> 00:12:34,470
Alcohol, his other mistress.
314
00:12:35,863 --> 00:12:37,342
"Alcohol."
315
00:12:44,697 --> 00:12:46,177
Olu, these were the colors
316
00:12:46,221 --> 00:12:48,658
I was thinking
for the iro and the buba.
317
00:12:48,701 --> 00:12:50,529
All I can see is your ceiling.
318
00:12:51,792 --> 00:12:53,445
Is that better?
319
00:12:53,489 --> 00:12:54,838
No.
320
00:12:54,882 --> 00:12:56,100
Ah, I recognize
this ceiling.
321
00:12:56,144 --> 00:12:57,536
Hello, Mommy.
322
00:12:57,580 --> 00:12:58,624
Hello, Abishola.
323
00:12:58,668 --> 00:13:00,148
We are discussing your wedding.
324
00:13:00,191 --> 00:13:01,671
It's very exciting.
325
00:13:01,714 --> 00:13:03,716
I would like to be a part
of this conversation.
326
00:13:03,760 --> 00:13:04,848
Why?
327
00:13:04,892 --> 00:13:06,850
Abishola,
328
00:13:06,894 --> 00:13:08,069
send me your measurements.
329
00:13:08,112 --> 00:13:09,679
Bimpe needs
to start on your dress.
330
00:13:09,722 --> 00:13:10,898
Oh, that won't
be necessary.
331
00:13:10,941 --> 00:13:12,116
I can get
a dress from here.
332
00:13:12,160 --> 00:13:13,857
Don't be ridiculous!
333
00:13:13,901 --> 00:13:15,685
You will not wear
a dress from Detroit.
334
00:13:16,991 --> 00:13:18,122
Bimpe will make it.
335
00:13:18,166 --> 00:13:19,863
And if she cannot,
336
00:13:19,907 --> 00:13:21,691
I know several
seamstresses in Lagos.
337
00:13:21,734 --> 00:13:23,693
But we will not be using
your seamstresses.
338
00:13:23,736 --> 00:13:25,651
We will be using Bimpe.
339
00:13:25,695 --> 00:13:28,611
Bimpe is half blind
and has arthritis.
340
00:13:28,654 --> 00:13:30,134
I am in charge
of the clothes, Olu.
341
00:13:30,178 --> 00:13:31,832
You are in charge of the food!
342
00:13:33,485 --> 00:13:35,139
At least
there will be
343
00:13:35,183 --> 00:13:36,575
no problem
with the food this time.
344
00:13:36,619 --> 00:13:37,881
What is that supposed to mean?
345
00:13:37,925 --> 00:13:39,622
At Abishola's first wedding,
346
00:13:39,665 --> 00:13:41,493
you ran out of hot pepper soup.
347
00:13:41,537 --> 00:13:43,147
There is no greater crime!
348
00:13:43,191 --> 00:13:46,716
We ran out because Tunde ate
bowl after bowl after bowl!
349
00:13:46,759 --> 00:13:48,152
It is a wedding!
350
00:13:48,196 --> 00:13:50,067
One must be prepared
to feed an army of Tundes.
351
00:13:50,111 --> 00:13:51,895
Aah!
352
00:13:53,027 --> 00:13:55,899
When did you first
start feeling unhappy?
353
00:13:55,943 --> 00:13:57,292
Oh, well,
354
00:13:57,335 --> 00:13:58,946
I guess it was when I realized
355
00:13:58,989 --> 00:14:02,732
that Bob loved making and
selling socks more than me.
356
00:14:02,775 --> 00:14:05,082
That's not true.
I was just building a business.
357
00:14:05,126 --> 00:14:06,823
And destroying a marriage.
358
00:14:06,867 --> 00:14:08,085
He would...
he would come home exhausted,
359
00:14:08,129 --> 00:14:09,347
have a couple of drinks
360
00:14:09,391 --> 00:14:12,611
and pass out
-on the couch.
-Alcohol.
361
00:14:14,048 --> 00:14:15,658
How could I not
feel abandoned?
362
00:14:15,701 --> 00:14:18,617
Did you make these feelings
known to Bob?
363
00:14:19,923 --> 00:14:23,013
It's hard to be heard
when you aren't even seen.
364
00:14:23,057 --> 00:14:25,276
Oh, my God.
365
00:14:25,320 --> 00:14:27,017
I see you, Lorraine.
366
00:14:27,061 --> 00:14:28,889
Oh, my God.
367
00:14:28,932 --> 00:14:30,064
Can you blame me
368
00:14:30,107 --> 00:14:31,152
for having an affair?
369
00:14:31,195 --> 00:14:32,631
Yes!
370
00:14:32,675 --> 00:14:33,981
Was it an affair?
371
00:14:34,024 --> 00:14:36,026
Or was it a cry for help?
372
00:14:36,070 --> 00:14:37,506
It was an affair.
373
00:14:37,549 --> 00:14:39,551
She slept with my best friend.
374
00:14:39,595 --> 00:14:41,684
You drove me into Gary's bed.
375
00:14:41,727 --> 00:14:43,338
Oh, really? It's my fault?
376
00:14:43,381 --> 00:14:44,426
Well, who drove you
into the bouncy castle
377
00:14:44,469 --> 00:14:46,297
at his kid's birthday party?
378
00:14:47,298 --> 00:14:48,996
How'd you know about that?
379
00:14:49,039 --> 00:14:51,433
The clown owed me a favor.
380
00:14:51,476 --> 00:14:53,957
Now, this is Gary Gendelhoff?
381
00:14:54,001 --> 00:14:56,829
-Yes.
-Do you happen
to have his phone number?
382
00:14:56,873 --> 00:14:58,919
Oh... my... God.
383
00:15:03,924 --> 00:15:06,230
Planning a wedding is
tougher than I thought.
384
00:15:06,274 --> 00:15:08,319
I tried to warn you.
385
00:15:10,104 --> 00:15:12,802
Before we go any further,
I got to tell you something.
386
00:15:12,845 --> 00:15:15,848
-Mm.
-My job is very
important to me.
387
00:15:15,892 --> 00:15:18,025
-I know that.
-It takes a lot of my time
388
00:15:18,068 --> 00:15:19,940
and attention, but
if it ever feels like
389
00:15:19,983 --> 00:15:22,333
I'm putting it above you,
please let me know.
390
00:15:22,377 --> 00:15:24,988
That will not be a problem.
391
00:15:25,032 --> 00:15:27,382
You sure? 'Cause sometimes
I'll work a 70-hour week.
392
00:15:27,425 --> 00:15:30,037
Is that a little
or a lot for you?
393
00:15:30,080 --> 00:15:32,387
I love you so freaking much.
394
00:15:32,430 --> 00:15:34,171
I know.
395
00:15:34,215 --> 00:15:36,260
Mmm.
396
00:15:39,655 --> 00:15:41,657
We should just
get married at city hall.
397
00:15:41,700 --> 00:15:44,007
-There's an idea.
-Mm.
398
00:15:44,051 --> 00:15:46,183
It is the only way
we'll have a say in our wedding.
399
00:15:46,227 --> 00:15:47,880
I'm down with that.
400
00:15:47,924 --> 00:15:49,795
We have to bring Dele,
of course.
401
00:15:49,839 --> 00:15:52,363
-I want him there.
-Absolutely.
402
00:15:52,407 --> 00:15:53,843
And your uncle
would be heartbroken,
403
00:15:53,886 --> 00:15:56,411
so we should ask him
and Auntie to come, too.
404
00:15:56,454 --> 00:15:59,544
Mm. If they are coming, we
should also bring your family.
405
00:15:59,588 --> 00:16:02,417
Do we have to?
406
00:16:02,460 --> 00:16:04,375
Yes.
407
00:16:04,419 --> 00:16:06,464
And you should invite Kemi.
408
00:16:07,422 --> 00:16:10,033
Do I have to?
409
00:16:10,077 --> 00:16:13,732
There's a couple of guys at
work I'd love to have there.
410
00:16:13,776 --> 00:16:17,040
I wouldn't be getting married
-if it wasn't for them.
-Mm.
411
00:16:17,084 --> 00:16:18,694
It would be nice
to have Gloria
412
00:16:18,737 --> 00:16:20,435
and a few of my nurse friends
there, too.
413
00:16:21,827 --> 00:16:24,787
This is getting to be quite
a crowd for a courthouse.
414
00:16:24,830 --> 00:16:26,397
I guess my mother
and auntie are going
415
00:16:26,441 --> 00:16:28,051
to get their wedding
after all.
416
00:16:28,095 --> 00:16:29,922
I guess so.
417
00:16:31,098 --> 00:16:32,925
Are you disappointed?
418
00:16:32,969 --> 00:16:34,710
No.
419
00:16:34,753 --> 00:16:36,842
It doesn't matter
where it's at,
420
00:16:36,886 --> 00:16:38,801
or who's there, or what
anybody's wearing.
421
00:16:38,844 --> 00:16:40,933
All I'll be
looking at is you.
422
00:16:40,977 --> 00:16:44,154
I'm going to be
in a dress made by Bimpe.
423
00:16:44,198 --> 00:16:46,417
Is that a famous designer?
424
00:16:46,461 --> 00:16:48,985
It is a blind
arthritic woman in Lagos.
425
00:16:50,204 --> 00:16:52,554
Does she do tuxedos?
426
00:17:01,389 --> 00:17:05,915
Uh, Mommy, I would like you to
meet my fiancé, Bob Wheeler.
427
00:17:05,958 --> 00:17:07,917
E nle ma.
428
00:17:09,223 --> 00:17:12,095
What took you so long
to introduce yourself to me?
429
00:17:12,139 --> 00:17:13,270
Oh, that was my
fault, Mommy.
430
00:17:13,314 --> 00:17:14,489
I did not ask you.
431
00:17:14,532 --> 00:17:16,578
I asked Bob Wheeler.
432
00:17:16,621 --> 00:17:18,536
Uh, that was my fault.
433
00:17:18,580 --> 00:17:20,147
I was just nervous
434
00:17:20,190 --> 00:17:22,932
about meeting the most
respected woman in the family.
435
00:17:22,975 --> 00:17:25,065
I admire your attempts
at flattery.
436
00:17:25,108 --> 00:17:28,503
I have received your gift--
a new tablet.
437
00:17:28,546 --> 00:17:30,418
Do you think
you can buy my approval?
438
00:17:30,461 --> 00:17:31,723
I was hoping.
439
00:17:32,855 --> 00:17:35,075
Hey, look, not finding me funny
runs in the family.
440
00:17:35,118 --> 00:17:37,642
Tunde speaks highly of you.
441
00:17:37,686 --> 00:17:39,470
He told me your credit score.
442
00:17:39,514 --> 00:17:42,212
Very impressive.
443
00:17:42,256 --> 00:17:44,301
I'm just happy
I have a great job
444
00:17:44,345 --> 00:17:45,694
where I can help
provide for you,
445
00:17:45,737 --> 00:17:48,610
your daughter
and your grandson.
446
00:17:48,653 --> 00:17:50,220
Abishola?
447
00:17:50,264 --> 00:17:51,439
Yes, Mommy.
448
00:17:51,482 --> 00:17:53,267
I like him.
449
00:17:53,310 --> 00:17:55,791
I like him, too.
450
00:18:03,451 --> 00:18:07,411
Captioning sponsored by
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451
00:18:07,455 --> 00:18:11,676
and TOYOTA.
452
00:18:11,720 --> 00:18:15,724
Captioned by
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