Subtitles by explosiveskull M_I_SForEver
Leave us.
Not you.
You have no idea who you're dealing with.
Aren't you Shuki?
The Mossad agent who has been trying
to steal our nuclear plans?
So you do know who you're dealing with.
You have got one minute to tell me
who is trying to rescue you!
Kanafeh, Ma'amoul!
Something exotic!
Matzah balls! Gefilte fish! Kigel!
Agent Guy.
My true identity must remain a secret.
Put this on, I know a shortcut to your commander.
Oh no, we have company.
Quick, kiss me.
That one's always kissing some agent.
Take your clothes off.
Listen, I know what you're thinking,
but this isn't going to work out between us.
This tunnel will take you to your commander.
Why do you Israelis always think you know best?
Because we do.
Hey! Ali Express!
It's much more fun to go through the bad guys.
You're crazy!
Cotton candy, cotton candy.
The enemy is coming your way, be prepared!
Cotton candy, cotton candy.
Welcome to our prison. How many in your party?
Commander! We have come to rescue you.
But tonight we have a costume party.
Shuki, Shuki, Shuki.
I thought I would never see you again.
You could always look at pictures.
Quick, this is the safest way out.
Can I?
Commander, I need to bring you back in one piece.
Just so no one says that I didn't do anything on this mission.
We have to go.
Guy! Guy! Wait!
Aaron, where are you? Aaron?
I dropped a coin, but I found it down there.
I'm here now.
Thief!
Go! Go!
We did it!
Shuki, Shuki, Shuki.
Shuki, Shuki, Shuki, Shuki.
Are you guys nuts?
No!
The steering system has a malfunction!
You're not going anywhere!
I told you the steering system is still non-operational!
Shuki! Jump!
Use a power tool.
Come on!
Fire! Now!
I can't operate my rifle without dropping Shuki!
Guy, let go of my hand!
It's the only way you'll survive this.
Remember me as I was...
just a little thinner.
No!
"Agent search Demotion Protocol activated"
"Senior agent, special agent, field agent...
mall cop, guard at bouncy castle"
THREE YEARS LATER...
Guy, I thought about it,
and I don't think we should be together.
Guy, it's the veterinarian calling about your dog,
he doesn't think you should be together.
What's up Guy, you're not answering, I'm coming up.
Also, switch to SMS,
answering machines only exist in old movies.
Come in.
What's up, Guy?
What's that?
Cake.
Could be meat.
I think it was a cake.
Since the screw-up in Tunisia, life has ended for the both of us.
Well not exactly, I got my wife, you have nothing going on.
We can't talk about our past and we have no future.
- What is left for us? - Maybe you should go out on a date?
Since I left the organization I lost my touch with the ladies.
Don't worry,
when god opens a window, he closes two doors.
Let's find you a date.
Yeah, let's say that, I take a girl out on a date
and she starts asking me what do you do for a living?
What did you study? What do I tell her?
I was once an assassin,
now I work as a security guard at a bouncy castle?
- Let's do a simulation, hit on me. - What?
Hi, my name is Dalit, I'm a young lady. What is your name?
Look, I don't quite like all of the...
You don't want me...
Ok, I have no money,
I have no respect for myself.
And the senior agents are making fun of you.
And the senior...
That's enough. Come on, come on, be creative.
- It's a bar! - It's a restaurant!
- It's a bar! - No, it's a restaurant!
- No, it's a bar! - Restaurant!
- Bar! - Restaurant!
- It's a bar. - It's a restaurant.
No, people drink here, it's a bar.
People also eat here, it's a restaurant.
But mostly drinking so it's a bar!
They come here to eat, it's a restaurant!
They're mostly come here to drink! So it's a bar!
No, people eat here, it's a restaurant!
Hello Abigail, I work in a sausage factory.
What?
A demoted Mossad agent?
No, I work at a sausage factory.
What can I get you?
Yes, grapefruit juice.
Addicted to the hard stuff, huh?
Woman?
No, thanks, the juice is enough.
They come here to eat! It's a restaurant!
And what are they doing afterwards?
Guy?
- Abigail! - Hi!
Your picture online was...
No. In the picture with the...
Yeah.
I googled you, and could not find anything.
Are you a secret agent or something like that?
What? No, no.
I managed a sausage factory.
I mean it. I have a few samples here.
Check it out. Here is some Salami.
Don't you forget why we are here.
Nothing happened, everything is alright.
Did you...
Did you just hit someone?
The sausage industry is a tough business.
Did you know that Salami is the only food,
that even before you eat it, it smells like burp?
Maybe he needs help?
Ah no, he's fine.
If you keep killing people
I'm not going out with you anymore!
Wait a second! Wait!
We'll do things that ordinary people do!
We'll take pictures of our food!
Fighting again?
Sir, please take a look at this,
you're going to forget everything that has happened here.
Are you erasing my memory with that?
No.
I'm smashing this bottle on your head. Help me with this guy.
Excuse us. Excuse us.
Excuse us.
It's not good to keep things inside, is it?
What are you doing?
I'm here to make sure there won't be any mishaps.
Even if someone tries to do something,
we have security cameras all over the place.
And here.
With today's technology,
intelligence agencies are a thing of the past.
Let's go home.
- Do you have any weapon on you? - No.
They are children.
It will prepare them for how cruel life can be.
Guy.
Pookie force.
Watch out for terrorists, they might just punch a hole in your inflatables.
Or whatever.
The tech giant Jack Sattelberg.
The world's biggest smartphones manufacturer
just landed in Israel.
For the next 8 hours we will repeat this sentence
in different phrasings.
Look at that beauty.
I like.
Haim! Have you met my wife?
Not this one.
I see you...
graduated high school!
How do you do?
I couldn't agree more with what I've just heard.
Intelligence agencies are a thing of the past!
How did you hear what we were talking?
Your phones are constantly collecting information.
There's no end to the amount of information you can collect.
With today's technology, intelligence agencies are a thing of the past.
Delete it! Delete it!
Excuse me, but...
This is the actual phone that updates
all the artificial intelligence of the world.
Actually, we're currently working on something better.
Aey! Ai!
Exactly A.I. Artificial Intelligence.
I'm for natural intelligence.
Yes.
Excuse me.
Esteemed guests. Mr. Sattelberg.
Invited guests,
uninvited guests.
And people who didn't even show up.
Terrorism, it's like picking your nose, it never ends.
He needs a diaper change.
I have to go to the bathroom.
He's almost finished.
You are a true friend of Israel
and as long as you keep giving us money,
you will always be.
I'm sure this special visit,
will turn into a waterfall of collaborations.
What began as a dribble in a cold puddle,
will grow into a mighty flow of brotherhood.
We'll continue this stream of trust.
- Now! - Now.
And in when we're done, we will shake.
Occupied!
I said, occupied!
And now for the Mossad's anthem the crowd is asked to lip-sync.
♪ With grief we shall cause hell.
♪ Every terrorist and an enemy.
Jackie?
What did you eat?
Jackie?
Ladies and gentlemen,
kidnappers have taken over the event.
Finally something interesting.
There's nothing to worry about,
you're in the hands of the Israeli security forces.
Let's go home, Haim.
My husband! He's been kidnapped!
We need back up.
We'll help you!
This is our chance to make a come back.
Open up! Get out!
This vehicle is confiscated.
- Why? Why? - I'm coming with you.
You have children.
They are less experienced than me, take me.
Shuki, Shuki, Shuki.
- Who are you? - I run a sausage facto...
I'm an Mossad agent. The name is Moran.
Guy Moran. Here is my card.
- It's blank. - I'm a secret agent.
Ok.
This is Shuki Force speaking, we're in pursuit of the suspect.
I repeat, Shuki Force speaking, we're in pursuit of the suspect.
Eagle 1, do you see him, over?
I don't.
Eagle 2, do you see him, over?
Here is eagle 2 roger.
The kidnapper's truck just went up Shazar avenue.
Highway 1 is busy for traffic in both directions,
it's advised to take the 443 highway.
Now we'll hear the next tune.
Hey, what are you doing here? How did you get here?
You drive!
Just so no one says that I didn't do anything on this mission.
I'm going,
through the bad guys!
An accident is going to happen!
Does anyone have a phone?
Not yet.
Now!
We have to abandon.
We're about to catch them.
- Jump. - Just a sec.
Ouch.
Guy what's going on? Are you all right?
I think he will make it.
Read all about it!
Billionaire, Jack Sattelberg was kidnapped in Jerusalem.
Come in and put the groceries in the kitchen.
One... two...
Three...
Agent Moran?
Jeez!
I need you.
Really?
To save my husband.
Why me?
When I was in trouble you were there to help.
To help... sure, help.
It's so hot in here.
It's very, very hot.
You're cute.
I need a medic.
And I need your special skills.
Are we friends?
I don't think you want to be my friend
after what happened to Aaron.
Who?
Aaron, he was a true friend...
Like, like your brother,
like two sisters,
like five neighbors.
I do not think the chief of the Mossad will let me back to the field.
Well, I have ways to convince your chief
that you're the right person for this mission.
Welcome to the Israeli Knesset.
This in the Menora, made by a German artist,
based on the arch of Titus in Rome,
and at the gift shop you can find a replica
that was made in China.
- It's Guy... - It's Guy...
Indistinct muttering.
Yes, Mr. Prime Minister.
No, Mr. Prime Minister.
It won't get in without using the cream, Mr. Prime Minister.
That was the prime minister.
Let me get them.
20 years I've been holding off on my retirement, keeping this job.
And for what?
On Independence Day,
to finally light a torch on live television.
Since when does the chief of Mossad light a torch?
Never and you know why?
Because there hasn't been a single chief of the Mossad
who managed to serve full term.
Everybody screwed up. Got fired. Got into trouble.
Except me, not carrying out any actions. Not initiating any operations.
I do nothing.
You're a perfect chief of the Mossad.
What are you doing with the terrorist?
I'm taking some work home.
So, let me catch them.
You will say just about anything that will get you back in the organization.
I have the footage from the security cameras.
THE KIDNAPPING OF SATTELBERG
No, no, no, no, no!
- But why? - I'll tell you "why".
Everything you ever touched had blown up...
- Haim, please. - Don't touch me.
INCOMING CALL
Just what I needed now, the Caribbean!
- What? - The...
The Caribbean.
- Hello, Haim. - Oh, Arnold.
- Where you hiding, Haim? - What do you mean hiding?
The investigation is moving so fast
I've got nothing to do at the office.
Are you giving me the old Caribbean backdrop trick?
What do you mean? I'm on the beach.
What an insane beach.
Listen assholes. I invented that trick.
In fact, I'm in the Caribbean right now,
making people think that I'm at work.
Show him, boys.
I'm reassigning the mission to the CIA.
I'm sending... agent Harris.
We know what we are doing.
Tell that crap to your wife, not to me.
You know what?
I'm calling your wife.
No!
Quick, lend a hand!
- Haim? - Rebecca?
Could it be that you traveled abroad without me?
Can't you see that I'm at the grocery store.
Did you want the skim or whole milk?
And you're all alone? At the grocery store?
What great deals, Huh?
Haim, what happened to us?
You work in espionage and that requires a lot of facades.
But at home, I want honesty.
Come home, Haim.
We'll role play, you will be the torch lighter,
and I will be the solider accompanying you.
Agent Harris, no one knows what he really looks like.
Master of disguise.
SOMEWHERE IN THE MIDDLE EAST
Then she put the hummus in my coffee!
- Habibi. - Ah?
We, your wives,
we all chipped in and got you something to celebrate the wedding.
What surprise you have got for me, Ms...
Linda.
Who came here from ...?
United States Of America.
The name is Harris.
You can call me Agent Harris.
Linda, congratulations for the successful mission.
One sec.
- Mission accomplished, sir. - Great.
So, I've got good news for you,
Jack Sattelberg has been kidnapped!
I mean that's bad news, and we're sad and stuff.
But the good news is
we're sending you immediately on a mission to Israel.
In Israel, sir?
Ahh, and no selfies with the tied-up guards.
The plan was a mission in Milan, sir,
because of the terrorism, and fashion week.
Not in that order.
You're breaking up. I can't hear you.
You're breaking up. You're breaking up.
I told her she is breaking up.
How do you turn off this damn thing.
You wanted Europe, and they give you Isra...
SUJAIRA KIDNAPPERS LAIR OPEN UNTIL 6 PM
I demand a UN representative, and American rescue team!
And lip balm.
Lip balm you say.
Animals!
GOLDILOCKS AND THE THREE BEARS
There is no body?
- There is, there isn't. - There isn't, there is.
- There is. - There isn't.
So this funeral is just a cover up.
My dear Aaron.
You always wanted to be buried with your most precious stuff.
So here is your Waterman pen you loved so much.
And here is the trophy you won at the swimming contest.
And your crocs,
that you used to make noises stepping in them at night
and I said you should have gotten rid of them a long time ago.
And all these notebooks you kept.
Why does anyone need to keep coursework from second grade?
We are not a museum!
Karen, I'm really sorry.
You have the nerve to come here!
You know he was supposed to celebrate his birthday this year?
I heard about your loss and came to pay my respect!
- Linda Harris, sir, CIA. - Linda, who?
Agent Harris.
Oh, I always believed that Harris is a man.
You are really a master of disguise.
If you want to light a torch, you'd better cut it out.
I'm gonna need some answers from you.
Yes, of course, answers, answers, but later?
Next week. Hang tough.
- You are tough. - Torch lighting.
Did you see how I handled her?
If you take after me, you'll end up just like I did.
They won't help you, and you know it.
And you will?
I know the Mossad inside out.
Well, well, going for agent Harris?
Let's take a walk.
There are no girls left in Tunisia that you picked up this one?
If someone was threatening or sending him a ransom note,
we are sure to find it in Sattelberg's room.
And you don't think the Mossad already been there?
They wouldn't dare breaking into his room.
I think this is Sattelberg's suite.
What's that?
A souvenir I've borrowed from the Mossad.
Sorry.
It's ok.
So here is another one.
Excuse me.
What are you doing?
I got you covered.
Anyone there?
Hello?
Mrs Sattelberg?
Guy? You sound muffled. Take the handkerchief off.
I think someone is in my room.
Did you check the closet?
Give us the password for your phone, or else...
Watch it.
You stay here until you give Dark Mind what he wants.
Dark who?
- You don't want to know. - I want to know.
You don't want to know!
CHIEF OF THE MOSSAD CONDUCTS AN URGENT MEETING
The media will ruin us.
Maybe we should blame the Iranians.
CHIEF OF THE MOSSAD TALKS ABOUT IRAN
In the meantime no one talks to the press.
CHIEF OF THE MOSSAD: NO ONE TALKS TO THE PRESS
Maybe it was the...
Syrians.
CHIEF OF THE MOSSAD BLAMES SYRIA
Sorry. The Russians.
CHIEF OF THE MOSSAD BLAMES RUSSIA
Ok, who is leaking to the press?
Not only did they make me work with that...
What a surprise!
I'm so glad to see you're all here.
It was an emergency, so we all came to the office but it's finished.
Why finished? I've prepared a presentation.
There is a presentation.
We suspect that the kidnappers came from this area.
That's just silly, can you zoom in a little?
Wait, who are those guys?
We don't know who they are.
All we got was this old archive photo.
They do not make them like they used to.
Ethan, is there anything else you didn't show her?
But take into consideration
these pictures are hard to watch.
I told you it's a bar, didn't I?
And who, who's laughing now? Who's laughing now? Who?
Who had the last laugh?!
So, why did you ask me to come here?
I just came from the Mossad, and they are complete morons.
They really are.
But then I thought maybe it's a ploy,
maybe they just want me to think they're stupid...
They are very stupid!
I don't buy it. It's "stupidity make believe" system.
They're smarter than I thought.
So much whining.
It can't be, it's the Mossad.
They truly are a bunch of idiots.
I need you.
We need to work together.
If stupidity is a code you can help me to decipher it.
You're lucky I'm too stupid to be offended.
Linda Harris is here
with Guy.
What's going on, Guy?
Guy works for the CIA now.
Here's the confirmation from Arnold.
Good thing you didn't bring confirmation from your mom.
Just get inside already!
Come in to the lab and I will show you, that you're unnecessary.
Open the door! Let me get in!
Push, don't pull. Push!
Ah.
What have you done to Aaron?
Chico, please.
Ladies and gentleman I'm very pleased and proud to present to you
the new and improved Aaron.
Please welcome
Aaron-man!
The latest thing in biocybernetics.
He has Night vision, X-ray vision, goats vision.
Don't let this blue metallic fool you,
Inside of Aaron-man
is the doomsday weapon.
- Aaron, do you hear me? - He doesn't remember you.
We'll see.
Do you remember the mission with the dwarfs in Libya?
Do you remember how we built a snowman out of poop?
Aaron, to your room.
We taught him martial arts, sailing, flying, goating.
Except for doors.
We still didn't get to the door thing.
Even your gadgets are copies from the CIA?
What's this, how do you turn on the laser?
Laser?
Our is a gift lighter.
If you happen to go to a friend's birthday party
and you forget a present, you've got a lighter.
Well done, well done.
Aaron, Aaron! No, no!
He didn't try to hit me.
He is fine!
No!
You distract him, I'll take out the motherboard.
- No, I will shut it down! - Trust me!
Linda, please wait outside.
Nobody's supposed to come here, not even me.
- Sigi. - How are you doing, pretty boy?
What does the Mossad know about the kidnapping of Sattelberg?
This information is classified and you are not authorized.
Don't be sad. Maybe a video of puppies?
Video of puppies my ass.
I'm on in.
Freeze image.
Guy, what are you doing there with Sigi?
Unfortunately nothing.
Get out of there right away.
Get me back on duty, I will give you back Sattelberg.
Take a hike.
Who would you like to invite to the hike?
If you screw this up, there won't be any rank left to demote you to.
I owe this to Aaron.
Tough.
- Quiet, Sigi. - Quiet, Sigi.
Ok, you have until Independent Day to bring him back.
And one more thing,
operate Aaron,
I don't want to lose him again.
Give him what he wants.
Pay attention, to our next product this glorious washing machine
Antiochus model W5748
- This washing machine... - What have they done to you?
...comes with a beautiful white finish of stainless steel.
It has seven simultaneously working programs,
look how beautiful she is.
Look how stunning she is.
This machine has an LCD that shows duration of washing cycle
and has an AAA energy ranking.
Do you know who manufactures the phones
that you built your empire on Mr. Sattelberg?
- I do. - Yes, but who builds them for you?
We do, Mr. Sattelberg. We do.
You are a third world terrorist organization.
For you maybe we're third woooorld.
- Third world. - That's exactly what I said.
Third woooorld.
- Third - Third...
- World - Wooorld.
- Never mind. - Never mind.
But for us this is home.
What?
- Flashback. - Ah.
Life in Sugiria used to be so simple.
Every morning, my sister would wake me up with coffee.
When you realized we were cheap labor,
you started moving your American factories here.
When do we have a break?
In an hour.
I think.
Go back to work!
Come on! Come on!
Stop the machines! Stop the machines!
Stop the machi...
Mujidra! Mujidra!
Mujidra!
I lost my sister and my homeland.
But then we realized that each phone had this in it.
So we packed every plastic motherboard with explosives.
When it hardens,
it's indistinguishable from regular plastic.
And there are seven billion phones like these around the wooorld.
- World. - Yes.
You wanted bigger phones, you got bigger bombs.
Why did you kidnap me?
I want you to send the special update
to every phone in the wooorld.
World.
- Billions will die! - Yes, I know.
- You're insane! - Thank you, you're very kind.
What's the password?
I said, what's the password?
What's the password?
Mr. Sattelberg, your wife asked you to call her.
Ah, thanks.
Hey!
Sigi...
Sigi is busy now.
I'm not busy, since it's never going to work.
Not when we have guests, all right?
Ok, solve it between yourself.
Sigi, shouldn't have the kidnappers already made ransom demands?
Based on 60 kidnaps and 800 movies, you're right.
Why aren't they asking for a ransom for Mr. Sattelberg?
It looks like Sattelberg has something bigger than money.
Who was he talking to at the ceremony?
This is the actual phone that updates all the A.I. of the world.
All the phones in the world? How much?
According to UN data,
there are 8 billion phones per 7 billion people.
More phones than people.
- It looks like a nice ratio. - Quiet Sigi.
Are you silencing women?
- Sigi, change to male profile. - I'm on it.
What's up?
- Shut up! - Shut up you, two bastards!
Who do you think you are, uh?!
No, he can't talk to me! Like that?!
He is a computer, he is not worth it.
So called agent...
Hello?
- Thank you, Mr. Sattelberg. - But no, no, no!
Let's make them understand how serious we are
before we present our demands.
Is it not working for you either?
Cellular phones are shutting down one by one, all over the world.
On line is our reporter that will explain the situation, hello?
Hello... hello?
The abrupt intermission of the phone interrupts the cognitive consciousness...
I'm standing here and I see this phenomenon,
unfolding in front of my very eyes,
and these emotions can very often lead to violence.
2 minutes without phones.
That will do for now.
They decided to give up.
We won.
They are just demonstrating their capabilities.
Ugh, these terrorists.
Think they are going to beat us.
but not on my watch.
You heard?
Not on my watch.
Haim, I want to change my shift.
Please take me to...
Oh, you need to get to the Mossad? No problem.
Guy.
Guy?
Agent Moron?
We've found this chick outside the building.
She was screaming: "Guy, Guy."
- Guy! - Sharon!
That's fine, let her in.
You can leave. Thanks.
I need to talk to you in private.
Oh Guy. I'll do anything to help my husband.
Anything?
Anything.
Even this?
Wow.
You really would do anything.
I know what you think about me
and I think exactly the same thing about you.
That I have great tits.
I probably come across as a shallow woman
whose with Jackie just for his money.
So, why are you together?
He's geeky, it's cute.
No kidding.
Whatever I did
I did to protect my husband from his enemies.
From blackmail, extortion.
Do you think it's fun, spending every night in someone else's bed?
Screaming and moaning, moaning and screaming,
over and over.
Can you imagine that, Guy?
Yeah.
What the hell is this?
A combination of a machine and...
Jewish person.
Ah?
It's the last person who saw your husband.
If Jackie were here,
he'd find a way to combine your technology and his
and find himself.
Combine Sattelberg's technology
with technology of the Mossad.
You were really good friends, weren't you?
Updating.
Aaron!
Call Linda!
Put me on speaker.
You pick a color and a number
and it can tell you the future.
Got it.
Guy found a way to combine Sattelberg's technology with Aaron-man
in order to locate the kidnappers!
Come on!
Aaron-man.
He's...
learning.
FRENCH FOR ADVANCED LEARNERS
Are your parents home? I came to fix the washing machine.
Please come in.
So many memories.
I have a dream!
The Temple Mount in custody!
Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn.
May the Force be with you.
LOVING THE KITCHEN
What does it mean you operate Aaron-man that...
Aaron, do you remember me?
Guy.
You were a person, with your own mind.
50% OFF WASHER
No, this is not cool.
Later.
The day of the kidnapping, the people you saw,
Can you locate their phone signature?
I'm giving him access to CIA database, Interpol and...
Netflix.
Maybe he can tell us where Sattelberg is.
He is searching on all the phones around the world
for the required information.
Later.
Can someone please fix that clock already!
It's working! It's working!
The kidnappers belong to RBG organization,
which means, REALLY BAD GUYS.
LEVEL OF CLASSIFICATION 1
Sattelberg is here?
No, silly. That's just a map.
You know, this is usually the part of the mission
where the male agent and the female agent...
Back at the lab when your friend went crazy,
why didn't you trust me?
I trusted Aaron, and what happened?
He crashed into a bridge, and the lab turned him into a robot.
They saved his life,
not the soul.
Crashing into a bridge and turning into a robot.
That could happen to anyone.
Don't you have a family?
Family?
My parents died in a marathon.
One day
they binged watched The Simpsons without a break.
The neighbors found their bodies after season 14.
Shuki, a friend of my dad's,
recruited me into the Mossad.
He said I could fight bad guys.
And get girls.
Not necessarily in that order.
Sometime you have to fight girls and get bad guys.
So, you're alone too.
In our profession, you know, you keep to yourself.
Expensive perfume? Crap you don't need?
OK. Got it. Goodbye.
And what about you? Do you have a boyfriend?
I tried to get one but,
every time they asked me what I do for living
I kept saying I...
- run a sausage factory. - Run a sausage factory.
Just when I thought I lost my touch.
I found the one.
Yeah.
Who knows me.
Who doesn't want to sleep alone anymore.
I don't want to sleep alone anymore.
It's a matter of time until Sattelberg dumps her.
What?
Sharon.
All the skydivers for Sugiria please get ready for to jump.
Put your parachute on!
Darn it, the freakin' parachute.
Do you have another one?
You don't have a parachute.
I have. At home.
You're crying.
I never cry. I have allergies.
Use eye drops.
I did. I'm allergic to eye drops.
LANDING POINT
Becca, did you send me a blank SMS?
- Yes. - Why?
Because I have nothing to say to you.
You're not listening, I'm solving this crisis and coming back home.
What crisis? I'm listening.
And don't give me any excuses.
A terror organization has taken over all phones around the world
and turned them off for 2 minutes.
Goodbye Haim.
I have to go.
Don't look at me, I'm divorced.
After this I will go back to the field.
And I'll be assigned to Milan.
And I will get a heart.
There are three professional armed guards.
The rest are just friends of the producer.
We'll break in at midnight.
Good night.
Ok, look I'm sorry.
I don't know what I did,
but let's just shake hands and move on to my next mistake.
Good night.
We should spoon.
You never know when a terrorist would pop out of the bushes.
Can you please just shut up?
Hey!
There's a terrorist here!
Yeah, I'm sure.
Turn to me when I tell you.
What?
Are you insane? You could kill me!
Trust me!
Now!
Who's your leader?
He's known as Dark Mind.
Dirty Mind?
Dark Mind!
In addition to being evil he's also a pervert?
He's not so smart your friend.
Thank you.
But I tired him for you, yes?
Sure.
Agent Harris.
I've got good news. The whole world thinks we're losers.
I mean that's bad news. That's sad and stuff.
But there's a change of plans!
I need you to save Sattelberg.
Not the Israeli.
But you approved a joint operation.
We can't let Israel save the world.
Hey, hello, I made you tired right?
Look, Guy's method might be strange
but he is my partner.
Do you know who this guy is?
He's a serial foul up, and he's outlived his usefulness.
Now leave him there.
Do that, and I'll assign you to Milan.
If we betray him like this,
it will be against everything we stand for.
Are you listening to me, or playing on your phone?
Hello?
Ah? You follow orders, agent Harris!
Otherwise, don't bother coming back.
We'll talk about that when you come back.
Sir, I'm not coming back.
Wait! No, no!
Guy! You have to hear this.
Darn!
Hello?
Hi.
Is this the RBG organization?
- Yes. This is the guard speaking. - Great.
Could I speak to all the guards, please?
- They're not here right now. - I see.
Could you go and get them, please?
- They're on patrol, so. - It's urgent.
Uh, ok, I'll see what I can do.
Wait, wait, wait. How urgent is it?
Very.
Attention, all guards. Attention, all guards.
Please come down to the main gate.
There's an urgent phone call for all of you.
Mr. Sattleberg, sir. Uh?
Oh great, let's get out of here.
It was both our mission.
"Do you know who this guy is?
He's a serial foul up!"
If you heard me out, you'd know that I decided to...
She decided!
Just like an American, to think the whole world belongs to you!
Excuse me, I...
You don't believe me?
I was the one who got you back in action.
I was the one who got you to Sugiria.
"I, I, I"!
Don't you ever think about me?
Guys?
You know why you're alone?
Because just like Israel,
you blame the whole world for your vexatious troubles!
I don't know those words!
Not in the surgery.
Excellent, just excellent.
Guy Moran and Linda Biton Harris
destroying each other.
Destroying?
Excellent?
Biton?
Thank you, Sattelberg, for bringing us Guy.
We don't need you anymore.
We will try and remember you the way you were.
Just maybe a little thinner.
Shuki?
Who the hell is Shuki?
Congratulations, Guy.
Commander.
What are you doing here?
Yes Guy, it's me, Shuki.
And I use a wheel chair because it gives a dramatic effect.
Also because we got it for free from the Red Cross.
Quick Guy, shoot him! That's more important than my life!
Go ahead. Kill me,
just like you left me to die in Tunisia.
Make sure he is not armed.
Shuki. Come home with us.
Shuki force needs his commander back in action.
Aha Guy,
I used to be like you once.
Up until that day where you left me fall into the gorge.
Wait, wait, wait, what? You decided to jump!
Because I thought you'd come back for me.
You know what's incredible, those that rescued me,
were the Sugirians.
A convoy of Sugirian smartphone dealers
found me without any memory.
They gave from the little they had.
Then they took me with them from Tunisia to Sugiria.
When I began remembering who I am, I was ashamed.
You created all this.
And you created me, when you threw me into the gorge.
But you created me, when you were my commander.
No, you created me when you threw me into the gorge.
- You created me. - No. You created me.
- You created me! - You created me!
Silence!
"There is no greater regret than the one which is useless".
Oliver Twist?
You guys are not big book readers, huh?
- I saw the movie. - Harry Potter.
- Twilight. - Goosebumps.
We didn't know you were alive.
Did anyone even bother to look for me?
This is how you give up government employee's 401K?
9400 shekels,
taking over the world.
I grew up on a farm,
I've seen how technology replaces people,
in cowsheds, and in chicken coops.
I'm just, saving you from yourselves.
It's time.
What?
It's time.
Time. Ah, yeah. What?
It is time.
The time, isn't... now it is... It is now the time.
Phone call from...
Sugiria.
This is the RBG organization.
How stupid of you to send us agents.
If you want to see Mr. Sattelberg alive again
You'll do exactly what we tell you.
Did you send a tape?
What? No. What tape?
People usually send a video
to prove that you really have the person.
This is the video, I am the video. You're watching it right now,
this is the video.
I just think, if you were really serious
you'd send a proper tape.
It's basic. We have seen all the movies.
He says we need to send a tape.
So tape it now and show it later.
Talk!
Dear world. I confirm that I am in the hands of the RBG
For years the west has been exploiting
the people of the third world.
They would built a phone for one cent,
and you sold it for 700 dollars.
Unless you pay the people of the third world,
700 dollars times 7 billion phones,
Minus one cent for each phone, you've already paid.
That comes to...
Four zibillion, eight hundred ninety nine thousand
nine hundred thirty three dollars.
The capitalist west has 6 hours to pay us back the money.
Or every smartphone will blow up.
The whole woooorld is rigged to blow.
- World. - Wooooorld.
- Nevermind. - Nevermind.
You brought it on yourselves.
Could you say all that on tape?
What tape? What century are you from?
Where can you even get tapes anymore?
So how do we know it happened today?
People usually hold up a copy of today's paper.
- Don't they? - Totally.
Shut up! Shut up!
What's wrong with you? Who buys newspapers anymore?
You're making a mistake.
Charlie! Finch!
He's really gonna...?
Exactly.
I can't watch this.
Shuki, come home with us!
Don't call me Shuki!
Now my name
is Hrabdlinghamgangendang!
What?
Herbdlingenjumbegendang!
- Jammgingang. - Jambangang.
Great. Come home with us, Slambang.
I'm most surprised by you, Guy.
The system forgot about you like it did with me.
But they built the Shuki memorial, in your honor.
On television they counted the days you were missing.
Instead of naming places after me,
couldn't you just look for me?
But we did,
we searched the world using...
Sattelberg's satellites.
Sattelberg blocked the communications with the Mossad,
to hide the fact that Shuki was still alive.
That's not true.
You're blaming the wrong Sattelberg!
Sharon? What are you doing here?
You still don't get it, do you?
I am Mujidra Markuk from Sugiria!
Bob Marley is trimming in his grave.
Sister?
That day, at the factory,
my brother asked them to shut down the machines,
but a machine makes more money, than a simple factory worker.
That was the day I decided to take revenge on the west.
Jackie said, his money would all go
to ease the suffering of the third world.
So I took care of that for him.
How I have waited for this day,
I even went to overacting school.
We are transferring the sum of five zibllion dollars,
to the Sugirian national bank.
Please, don't take our phones.
You See? The world is saved. Justice is done.
And now we will stop the destruction of the world.
Abort phone destruct sequence phase one.
Abort... phase...
What he said, phase two...
Yeah! Yeah!
I don't think so.
She's lost control.
Did you really believe I'd stop here?
Brother, take care of the rest!
Come on!
Yeah! Yeah!
This is not over yet.
This is the end of the world.
Look at you, a failed Mossad agent, and his frustrated commander.
It seems too easy.
Lock them up.
Now we just sit and watch the birth of our new world.
- Why did you ask me here? - Soon, you'll understand everything.
It's either me or her.
Commander? We need you...
Shouldn't you be at...?
The hell with the world.
Mademoiselle,
the Mossad is proud to present you
your dinner.
- But you've already got the money! - That's democracy for you!
A leader comes along, gains the support of the people.
Then forgets the people who voted for him
and gets rich at their expense.
You and I, we are the same.
Yeah,
we're both called Guy,
except you're not.
Witty.
Join me and be a winner for a change.
Oh, seems like you fell in love
with the least popular girl in the class.
Kill them.
That'll teach them a lesson for next time.
Yes!
I'm surrounded by amateurs.
You tried to betray me, and look where it got us.
I resigned from the CIA.
Wait!
You were right.
I need to renounce Israel.
9,400 Shekel, ruling the world.
Tough decision.
You're playing with fire.
For starters,
kill her. Prove who's side you're on.
As usual. The winning side.
Trust me.
Wait!
Now!
- Try to stop the countdown. - Try to stop the countdown.
- I'll catch her! - I'll catch her!
This will help us to stay in touch.
- Hey, Guy? - Yes?
I just wanted you to know.
I think you're a really good spy.
Thank you.
Find anything?
All I found is shit.
Killing me? That's your plan?
Killing you is too easy.
We're going to keep you alive,
just to see your chief and partner die!
He's in the fallout shelter by now.
Along with the doomsday weapon.
You introduced the trigger yourself, when you put a phone in it.
Aaron.
How do you drink this beverage of yours?
Shaken, not stirred.
Let it go!
Customer service how can I help? This is Yevgeny speaking.
I can't seem to turn off the phone in my belly.
Just a sec.
Why are you always saying: "Just a sec?"
- Sir I'm asking you to calm down. - Just a sec!
Sir I'm asking you to calm down.
- Why all the time "Just a sec"? - Here we go again...
Don't fight it, Aaron-man. It's stronger than you.
Yevgeny, we'll stay in touch.
Not in the surgery!
Haha! There was no surgery, bitch!
Surgery.
Haim, Aaron is trying to hurt...
You should answer it Haim.
Do you remember your wedding proposal?
Yes.
You don't remember?
No.
Why did you say yes?
For a moment I forgot who you were.
You know, I'm not eighty anymore.
You've promised me a life of honesty,
you got down on one knee and asked:
"Would you like to be my first wife?"
"Would you like to be the mother to some of my children?"
Let's start a new chapter in our lives as it should be.
Aaron, is everything OK?
20 seconds to activate doomsday weapon.
Is something not right?
Aaron, there is something I got to tell you.
Something is not right.
That day you got hit, it wasn't your fault.
- 15 seconds. - How do we get out of here.
- Aaron! Wall! - Guy. I have no control over this.
- Ten... - You're my friend and I love you,
- and because of me you got hit. - Wow, seriously?
- Seven, six... - You are like family to us.
- You're welcome to come by anytime. - Call first.
Aaron-man. There is someone waiting for you back home.
Stop confusing me! Two...
Goodbye. Robofriend.
I am Aaron Rahamim from Giv'atayim.
Oh this is really delicious.
Your chief got his life back.
What are you doing?
Winning an Oscar.
I've fought the wrong enemy.
Shuki, Shuki, Shuki.
You fools!
What is it?
A gift.
Hey, you aren't coming with us?
No, our country needs workers.
You'll go.
We will stay here and build our homeland, brick by brick.
In Israel, you could be foreign workers,
and build our homeland!
You're right. Bye.
Children, stop playing with daddy's volume.
So where do you serve?
The military.
I'm next. I'm next.
- I'm next... - Stop.
- Go on. - I'm next...
- Stop. - I'm next...
- Go on. - I'm next...
The next torch will lit by retiring chief of the Mossad,
- on his last day. - This is me.
Snacks. Soft drinks.
Sponsored content.
There are real heroes
who should light this torch.
In spite of that, I...
- What? - Thank you!
I just wanted to say that we won!
We're living in a new world.
A world in which collaboration
and mutual learning are power.
A country that insists on doing everything alone,
will weaken.
Let's build a better future!
Just like Herzl built Herzliya
and just like John Lenon built Leningrad.
It is this moment,
that we look for what we have in common.
I have no idea what you just said.
To the glory that is Israel.
Haim, let's go home.
Ahh.
Ohh..
UUU.
Ouch.
Or in Hebrew, Aya.
TO BE CONTINUED...
Secret, yeah right.
But we're guards at a bouncy castle.
Where am I supposed to find a bride? Inside the castle?
She'll show up, you will see.
All you need to do is to act natural.
Be normal.
Alright.
Touch me one more time!
I saw you, I'm watching you!
Watch it!
Where do you want it?
In the head? In the head?!
The man who invented the grocery shop will lit the next beacon.
Dudi, from "Dudi's grocery shop".
What?
- What what? - Do you want one?
Make sure it doesn't drip.
So without Tehina.
Coming in or out?
We're incomers.
If you'll read one page of the bible each day,
after one year you'll get to page 365.
A pencil pusher's life aren't so easy.
Here, together the soldiers create...
A tea bag.
A shoe box.
Cup Noodles! What's not clear? Cup Noodles with celery!
Why are you doing this?
Well, I always like to help poor, desperate, developing countries,
and Israel is all three!
Why are we interviewing you?
Character background.
When is my cast coming off?
In a month.
The perfect combination between a man and a robot.
He doesn't take time off, he doesn't get old.
And the first one had to be my friend.
Actually, the first one we made was Tom Cruise.
Bye-bye. Bye-bye.
Bye-bye.
Subtitles by explosiveskull