Hurry, come help us now!
Help, my father just had a heart attack!
-Aure, stop it. He's doing better now. -Why are you being so loud.
I'm fine sweetie, I just passed out, that's all. I'm all right now.
-Hello, help us, please! -Aure, what's wrong with you?
Come help us!
-You're overreacting. -Qué pasa aquí?
Aure, no.
Oh, my God, what is she doing?
-Whoa! -Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, hey!
A NETFLIX SERIES
-Gosh, that's, uh… -This is fun.
Oh, it feels good
Fuck, I better stop, otherwise I'm gonna pussy fart. All right, enough.
Help me! Hurry, hurry, hurry, hurry!
She just took a bullet in the shoulder, please!
She's losing so much blood.
-I'm begging you, save her. -What?
Wait a second, I mean, that's not the plan. We weren't hired for this.
Save her or take a bullet.
-Yes, you can count on us. -I can?
However, Mr. Cavillan,
I have to ask that you leave the room since this requires
a sterile environment.
Well, I'm begging you guys. Whatever it takes, just save her.
Damn it.
It's Catherine.
Who's Catherine?
-Pénélope and Catherine are the same? -Well, yeah, it's Gérard's girlfriend.
Well then, shit, she deserves this, let me tell you, I hate this bitch.
-We're not saving her. -Excuse me, Dr. Ben Aflahak?
What? She caused all this mess, remember?
Did you not get the meaning of the Hippocratic Oath.
Listen, don't bring up Hippocrates
-right now, because, I-- -I will respect every human being,
their autonomy and free will,
-without any discrimination -Hey!
-based on their beliefs or c-- -Yo, yo!
There's no surgeon in here, all right?
You're not a surgeon, I'm not a surgeon.
You'll probably butcher her so don't try.
You may not be aware, sir, that last year I removed a malignant tumor on my cat.
Nice, and then?
Well, he died, during the surgery.
That's what I'm saying, you're not competent. God, your poor cat, Clem.
Anyway, scissors. Let's cut through her crop top.
Here we go. Sleep tight you son of a bitch.
Fuck, well done, Aure.
-Fuck, what just happened, Aure? -How did you do that?
Okay, let's bounce.
-Yeah, let's go, Oh, oh, Aure? -Yeah, yeah. Oh!
-Um… -What?
-There's one more. -What?
All right, let's do this.
Wow.
-Whoa, whoa! -Oh!
-Take that! -Yes!
Alright, put me down, bro. You okay?
Aure, can you breathe?
Man, did you see how I kicked his ass?
-You guys saw that, right? -Yes.
All right, come on, let's go.
-Dad, come on, let's move it. -Hold on guys,
give me five minutes.
My legs are like jelly. My legs just can't move, I swear.
Ah, fuck. I can't see shit.
Retracting tissues.
Go ahead, retract away.
-Here we go. -Going.
Ah, fuck, I messed up. I messed up, gauze pad.
-What? Oh, gauze pad. -Find a fucking gauze pad.
-Hold on, gauze pad. -Hurry up.
God damn it, come on, don't be a sissy.
Ah.
Give me a break. Put your mask on.
Oh sure. Oh crap, my earring.
-What about your earring? -Oh no, bummer, my earring.
-Crap! -Who gives a fuck about your earring,
-seriously! What? -Fuck it's in the wound.
-I mean, oh. Oh. -Oh, it's so wet.
Oh, it's so soft. Feels so good in there.
-Oh, it reminds me of Olivier. -What?
Ah, that's metal right there.
-That's metal right there. -That's metal, I found it. Found it.
-This is great. Let me see. -Oh, haha, come here. Here it is. Ha.
Oh no, bummer, that's just the bullet.
That's fucking amazing. That's what we've been looking for.
What, I don't care about the bullet. I want my earring, man. Crap.
Fuck, it's bleeding a lot now. I'm gonna vacuum it up.
-Hold on a sec. Hold on. -I'll take care of it.
That's enough. That's it, that's it. Drink up.
The whole thing.
Ah!
What are you doing? What the fuck!
That's so fucking gross.
-I got it. -I don't give a fuck about your earring.
Why did you spit on me?
Ugh.
-What the fuck. -Didn't you practice sewing in prison?
-Yeah, on Thursdays. Yeah. -Oh yeah?
So, please patch up this little hole. I'll tie her to the bed.
And then we'll go find the Hazans.
All good. Come on.
-God damn it, hurry up guys. -Come on.
Gimme a second all right. I'm struggling with this mile-long toga.
We're doing our best. This fat pig weighs a ton.
All clear. Go ahead, guys.
Come on. We can do it. Get down guys, quiet.
Fuck, there's a guard here.
-Really -Shit.
-How about we leave Dad here? Huh? -What?
Are you nuts? He's not a sack of potatoes.
No, but it's gonna be even harder to carry him.
That's not what I meant, here. Let's put him in the closet, there.
-Then we'll call for help. -No way, Jo.
I heard that. Don't you leave me here.
-Shh. -No, stop shouting dad, seriously.
The guard just heard us. We're gonna get caught.
Olive, I need your watch.
7:12 man.
I don't give a shit.
-I just need your fucking watch. -What are you doing?
Come on, come on.
Careful with it. What do you need it for?
-Jo, wait, Jo. -No!
Gosh no, bro.
He's moving.
He's moving, moving, moving. Moving.
-Yes! -Go, go, go, go, go.
All right, all right.
-Okay. -Come on Dad.
-I'm fine, I can walk -Hurry up, guys.
Motherfucker, they're not here.
Damn it, they escaped.
Honestly, they tied 'em up pretty good.
-Come on. Let's bounce. -Yeah.
God Jo, that was fucked up.
I got that watch for my Bar Mitzvah, man.
It's a limited edition. It cost a nut now, you know.
Bro, enough, we now know exactly how much a nut is worth,
and it's not 140 bucks like your crappy Festina.
No, but I loved that watch.
Let's go.
Look, the red Jeep is right here.
Right here, right here.
Smash in the left rear door, it's unlocked.
Oh, my God, it's open. It worked.
Oh, I can't believe it.
Jo, what's wrong?
She actually was trying to help us.
-What? -Catherine. We gotta go get her,
we can't leave her behind.
Yeah, we have to. You're right Jo.
No, don't even think about it.
-I'm not traveling with that kabah. -Dad, c'mon, stop it.
Ollie, you start the car. We'll be back in five minutes.
What do you mean, start the car?
We'll be right back.
-Just do it. -Do you have the keys.
How can I make that happen?
All clear.
-Watch out, watch out. -What?
Come here, there are guards, hurry. Let's hide in here.
Let's go.
All clear.
-They're approaching. -What should we do?
Here. Take this.
Why'd you hand me this? You want me to read right now?
Hit them.
You, me…
that way.
What?
What's taking them so long?
They're saying something I don't understand.
Did they move?
Hey holy man, how's that brick tasting? Like cheese?
-What? -As in brick cheese. It's a pun.
-Get it? -Oh, got it.
-We used to love that. -Best cheese ever.
Remember how Mom would always get it for us?
Gosh, our mom.
-Come on. -Yeah, now's not the time. Let's go.
Wait.
Oh, shit, she's alive. Come on.
Guards, please hold on. I'm so sorry. Let me explain…
Don't worry Catherine, you're leaving with us.
Oh, thank you. Uh, uh. I'm so sorry about this.
-He is my son but he's a monster. -We'll talk about this later.
Catherine, I also want to apologize for not trusting you,
but since you've been weird since day one and you put us in this mess--
Okay, we'll talk about it later.
-Ah, sure. -We really gotta go.
-We gotta go. -We'll talk later.
But I can't. I'm naked.
It doesn't bother me, but…
I mean just-- How about you wear my pants, I'll give you my pants.
Oh, yes, that's a great idea.
-All right, get up. You okay? -All right, here we go.
-Oh, I'm sorry -I'll get this off.
Oh, here it is. Okay, almost done.
-Hurry, Jo. Please, come on. -Yeah, I'm on it.
My shoe came off. Here you go.
All right, this is for you. Take this.
Thank you.
I know, I just got an idea for a top, Jo.
What are you doing?
Whoa, whoa, hey, hey, whoa.
What the heck is going on? Hey, what are you doing?
Are you kidding me? You made me-- You just made me a mini toga skirt.
You look great, it's fancy. We'll talk about it later, we gotta go.
Here, take this.
Oh, wait, there's a coat here, actually.
Are you fucking kidding me?
That's great. So, now I'm walking around with my balls out for nothing.
Great, you left the back door open, shit, bunghole breeze.
Why is it not working?
Why the fuck did you do that?
Turn it off! Right now!
Calm the fuck down. I don't know how to start a car.
I never had a dad to teach me.
Damn it. If my father was here, it'd be much easier.
Oh, your father this, your father that, enough.
He might have been an imbecile.
Probably didn't know how to steal a car either, your father.
There you go, son. Good job.
-I love it when you believe in yourself. -Go, go, go.
-Go, go! -Let's go, let's go.
No, I said no. If she's here just leave without me.
We're down for the count, we gotta go.
Go, go!
Where's that fucking gate? There it is.
Over here, over here.
Come on, faster!
Hit hard.
What was that?
What was that noise?
That was from the ropes we placed on the guards' cars.
No way. All right.
We managed to get these bastards after all.
He got me pretty good, too.
Hey, they're escaping, Miguel! Miguel!
Miguel! Miguel!
Hurry up.
Come on.
It's not budging.
-Back off, back off. -Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Wait, fuck.
It's simple, the gate is locked.
No shit, Dad. We're all aware of that.
Jo, what's the plan?
-Oh, my God. -They're shooting!
-Take cover guys, we gotta hide. -We need to go this way.
Follow me, guys. This way.
Watch-- Where you are going?
Where are they? Where the fuck did they go?
Don't worry, Aure. We'll meet them at the other fence.
Okay.
-You all right? You okay? -Yeah, I'm fine.
Please don't kill us, we surrender. Please.
Please don't kill me.
C'mon, stop shitting your pants, dude.
Come give a kiss to Uncle Youssef.
Holy shit, oh, fuck, Youssef!
-Haha, Youssef! -Clémentine?
-Oh, haha, you alright? -What are you doing here?
We came to rescue you guys.
Oh no.
Oh, they're so cute.
All right, guys.
All right, enough.
We should get going.
-Olive? Olive! -Okay, that's enough for now.
-Hey, Olivier, we gotta go! -Huh? What?
-We really need to go now. -Uh, yeah, of course.
Yeah. Let's go, let's go, moving. Keep it moving.
He kissed me, did you notice?
We all noticed. Come on.
-This way. -Yeah.
Hello Mom.
You had a fast recovery, didn't you?
Hold on, my love, calm down. Calm down, this is not what it looks like.
Yeah right, why should I believe you? It's time to slaughter you one by one.
Léonard, Léonard you're about to make a huge mistake. You're gonna ruin your life.
I'm gonna ruin my life, huh? So, now you give a shit about me?
No, you'd just rather be with that wrinkled old fart, right?
Hey, I've got great skin for a guy in his 70s.
Shut up. Fuck you, old dog.
Why don't you shut up Dad, he's got a point.
Léonard, look at me,
that's nonsense. My family is you.
Not assholes like Gérard and his stupid son.
So stop right now. You nearly killed me.
All I want for us now is to be back in business together like we used to.
This ain't like we used to. This has to change.
You heard him, Catherine, he wants to change.…
Shut the fuck up or I'll lodge a bullet in your noodle and you'll be mute, dude.
Yeah, shut up.
You think I don't know you're the reason they're escaping?
-You think I'm blind? -Stop it, Léonard,
can't you see that I'm using them?
Yeah, but-- What?
Otherwise, they'd be long gone.
I'm on your side, son.
I'm on your side.
-Is that true? -Yes, of course, it's true.
I love you. I do.
Me too, Mom. But I, I don't know. I'm so sorry, I can't control myself.
Come here.
I'm so sorry, Mom. I'm not well.
I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry, Mom. I love you. Forgive me, Mom.
I love you, Mom.
I love you, my love.
I'll try to be better. I'll try not to be an asshole anymore.
Wait. No, no.
I have no other choice.
-Are you serious? -I'm sorry, son.
I'm really sorry.
Tie him up.
H-- Hey, ho.
-What? -Come back, we need to tie him up!
-Yeah, sure, sure. -Well, you know, Catherine,
with all this back and forth and back and forth,
well, it's been very confusing. I, I didn't know what to expect.
-We got it-- -That's right. Honestly, it wasn't clear,
-we thought you were trying to screw us. -Let's tie him up.
Anyway, all right, let's tie him up.
-God damn it, I can't do it! -Ollie, what are you doing?
-I'm trying to open this. -You've been trying for ten minutes.
It's a lock, what can I do about it? I can't melt this shit?
And where the fuck are the others? I mean, seriously.
-Ollie, here we are. -Look, it's Jo.
-Oh great. -Family!
Shh, what the heck? What are you guys doing here?
Guess what, we came to rescue you guys.
-Nice chicken legs, bro. Looking good. -Gimme a break.
Whoa, that fucking liar is not coming with us.
-Hey, hey, Youssef, Youssef. -No way, I don't give a fuck.
She just saved our lives, all right. She's coming with us.
Let's go, we've gotta hurry.
No, no, no, wait! We can't leave yet.
We forgot Grandma.
No, she's no longer with us.
Bingo! She has passed.
You owe me twelve bucks. I told you she wouldn't make it to winter.
She did not bite the dust, she's just not here.
Well, save them anyway, it's only mid-February.
You're out of your mind. Ludmilla is one tough cookie.
We need to reach Fonza Point. There's a boat waiting for us there.
Okay, then we have to go this way, so they don't catch up to us.
Fuck, we're really in Corsica.
Youssef?
What are we doing now? Are we gonna rescue Grandma?
Yeah.
Now we're set on auto-pilot towards Algeria.
-Algeria? -We'll get some rest in Constantine,
and there we'll work on mission Ludmila.
Awesome. Great idea.
I really, really thank you, brother.
-Thank you so much, you've been a, -Yeah, man.
you've been a world-class hero, honestly.
What's wrong with you? You're my blood, my brother-in-law, family.
Listen, the one you guys gotta be thankful for is Clémentine.
-Oh, shut up, no way. -Yes, yes they do. Come on.
Yeah, 'cause under her little bougie style is a psycho.
Real gangster, I'm telling you.
Give it up for Clémentine
-Great job, Clem. -Great work, my love.
You really came through.
Thank you.
Thank you, little gangster.
No, no, but thank you.
I have to admit that doing all of this has taught me a lot,
which gave me a few ideas for the future. But……shh!
I will keep my lips sealed. Zip, whoop…
Ploop, oh no! Baah!
Okay.
-Awesome. -I'm drowning, I'm drowning.
Okay, we didn't really get what you meant but that sounds awesome, well done.
-Bravo. -Absolutely no sense. Well done, my love.
Getting out of there 'cause of you.
I'm sorry.
We are gathered here together on this night,
well, first because we're not dead, right?
We really could have all died in, in Corsica,
let's not, let's not forget about that.
But, we're here now to celebrate
and join this man and this woman, this wonderful couple,
Gérard
and Catherine…
-Pénélope, in fact. -Ah.
My real name is Pénélope.
-Really? -Yes.
-Pénélope Cavillan. Yes. -You serious?
I like that name, Pénélope.
My Péné.
My sweet Péné.
I don't think that nickname's really gonna work, Dad, don't you agree?
-Why not? -Péné kind of sounds like penis.
Yeah, Dad, I agree with Aure. So, uh,
-Pénélope, I am delighted -Mm?
to welcome you now as a new member of the Hazan family.
We gotta…
well, we gotta admit,
we really started off on the, on the wrong foot, right?
-Right. -But never mind, that's all behind us.
I honestly prefer to look to the future,
because that's part of being a family.
Family can change, you know?
Can evolve.
It can grow.
But it's still a family.
And that's the beauty of it.
-Gérard. -Yes.
Péné,
alla vodka,
it's always delicious.
You may choose your witnesses.
I choose Aure.
I'm getting emotional. Thank you, that's very sweet.
Excellent choice.
-You pop, your witness. -Yes, I know, I know.
Well, I choose my son.
That's complicated, Dad, because I'm the rabbi,
the captain of the boat, unfortunately, I can't do anything--
Yeah, I know, I know Joseph. No, no, but, I…
…meant to say…
I meant to say Olivier.
Hmm? Me?
Well, Olivier, there…
there's something I never told you,
because, actually, I, I,
-I didn't have the courage. -That's okay, Gérard,
It's fine,
I already know.
Oh, damn it. You had to spill the beans, right?
-You son of an idiot. -It was me.
Well, duh, of course it was you that told him.
I told him, yeah.
Well, Olivier, uh, listen, uh,
well, I'm sorry I lied to you,
all these years.
And, besides, I bet you're quite disappointed, right?
Why do you say that?
-Well, you know. -Gérard, I was right.
I always knew my father was a
bandito,
a renegade,
Casanova,
a good man.
He's my son.
Classy, brother, classy.
Aure, we're sisters-in-law.
-My boy. Mm-hmm? -What? Dad?
When you say, "He's my son,"
do you mean your real son?
Well, uh, yes, I mean my real son. Really?
Okay.
-He's your brother. -He's my brother.
-That's right. -What's with that face?
-He's your brother. That's wonderful. -Oh, yeah.
-It's Ollie, that's great. -Of course,
-I get seasick, that's why I'm-- -You should be happy, it's Ollie.
-Waves make me seasick! -C'mon, give him a hug.
-Hug your sister. -Why do I need to tell you that?
All right, then, let's do it.
-I can't believe it. -I felt the same way.
-Don't hug me too tight, all right? -Yeah, right. Darn.
All right, we have to celebrate our new brother just a little later, for now,
let's return to the highlight of our show.
If anyone wishes to object to this union
-he or she shall speak now-- -Me!
-No, come on Clem, -Not now.
let me finish, or forever hold your peace.
-Forever hold your peace. -I'm kidding.
Right, great one. No, bad one, actually.
-Sorry, guys. -Yeah, she better be kidding, really.
Such a pain in the ass.
Get ready guys, for the main event.
Gérard
Mordecaï
Hazan,
do you take this woman to be your wife? Uh,
Catherine Pénélope Cavillan, standing here?
I do.
Pénélope, uh, Catherine Cavillan,
do you take this stud to be your husband,
Gérard Mordecaï,
aka "the old Camel"…
Enough with that.
I'm sorry, I just couldn't resist.
…Hazan, standing here?
I do.
Well then, by the power vested in me
by this hat, this captain's hat that I treasure,
I now pronounce you both, husband and wife, forever.
Dad, you may kiss the bride.
-I'll do that right now. -Do it.
All right!
Love you, Dad.
Molotov!
Hey, my love, we say "mazel tov," not "molotov."
Yes, yes. Molotov, let's go!
What, the fuck.
-Oh, my gosh. What the hell? -What are you--
No, no, stay calm guys
it's just a little fire. It's all under control.
No, no, Joseph, no running on the boat!
Stop it, you're gonna slip, Joseph!
Oh, why are you throwing a bucket of water? Now you're gonna--
Aah, holy shit!
It's getting out of control.
Youssef, help--
Wait, don't jump in the water.
Don't jump, you might get hypothermia.
What, are you guys out of your minds?
Stop!
2 MONTHS LATER
Thank you, Enrico.
I thank you for playing and singing their song.
And where they are now,
I'm sure they enjoyed it very much.
My bubbelehs…
we did lots of stupid things.
But even on this saddest of my entire life,
I don't regret a thing
because we did this all together,
as a family.
Up until the brave SWAT team came to rescue me
I was able to go
every single day,
thanks to you all.
I love you, my babies.
I will love you forever,
you are my home.
It'll be all right, sweetie, it'll be fine.
I still can't believe it.
May I borrow her for a second?
Come with me.
-Take the kids. -I'll be right back.
Come, Aïda. Let me introduce you to an old friend of mine, meet Rabbi Kaufman.
Thank you, Ludmila.
Young lady, I'm extremely sorry for your loss.
Thank you.
You know, Joseph,
Joseph was an amazing man.
Yes, he was.
Really, a, a, a brilliant scholar, very hands--
No, no, Aïda, Aïda, don't cry, my love. Don't, don't cry, it's me.
-Joseph? -Yes, yes, my love, it's me.
-This can't be real. -It is.
No, no, no, don't cry. Stop this, stop this.
Oh, oh, my God, dear child. Oh, my God, come here.
Hey, hey kiddos. How are you my loves? Daddy's alive.
-Daddy's alive. -They're all alive.
If I could take you in my arms and kiss you, I'd do it right now.
Daddy's not dead.
-Joseph. -Yes.
-There's police everywhere. -I know.
I'll leave you two alone.
-All right. -I'll be waiting out front.
Goodbye, Ludmila. Goodbye, kiddos.
See you later, cute little donuts.
And is everyone else alive, too?
Come on, Ollie, tell us, what are they doing?
What, it seems to be going great.
They're chit-chatting. She's touching his hand.
His hand? Ah, she's such a prude. She should give him a hand job.
What's wrong with you? Don't talk about Aïda like that.
Wait, why not? How do you think they had triplets, huh?
Speaking of, I don't even get to see my grandchildren. What a bummer.
-Will you ever stop complaining? -It's ridiculous.
Don't you think I'd also love to see my grandma?
Don't worry, Dad. They'll come visit us in Thailand once things settle.
I spoke with my contact. Our fake passports are almost ready.
We'll be all set to leave next week.
-Yes, I know, but I still miss them. -Yeah, we all do.
It was close but everyone's alive.
-Your brother's alive. Hey, hello. -Hello.
-Excuse me, Rabbi? -Yes?
We're one person short to have minyan, if you don't mind.
Oy, yoy, yoy, the minyan. Always the, the minyan, everywhere.
Unfortunately, I can't because I'm with this young lady and we're leaving now.
Wait, Rabbi, we need you. We need to be ten,
-and without you, we'd be nine, not ten. -Yes, I know. Unfortunately, I can't.
Listen. I just can't, unfortunately.
Stop busting my balls, you're unbelievable, I just told you I can't.
Damn, why don't you understand?
C'mon, get lost before I whack you with my stick.
Get the fuck out of here, Goddammit. Get lost, Goddammit.
Go away, young man, you thief, thief.
He just tried to touch my private parts.
-Where are you all hiding? -Huh?
I, I can't tell you right now.
I just can't. I don't want you guys to be in danger.
Let's take a walk, all right. 'Cause I feel like we're being watched.
But, uh, hold on, I don't get it.
The explosion on the boat, was that bullshit?
No, no, no. No, no, no, no, no, that really happened.
-How'd you guys survive? -Look, I'm gonna tell you everything.
All right, it was crazy.
Listen, what happened was, Clémentine, she came up with this plan.
She was gonna pretend that we were all dead, but she didn't warn us
when she threw the Molotov cocktail, so we all panicked.
And trust me, the flames were, like, everywhere,
the boat was on fire. It was like, it was like Crème brûlée…