1 00:00:14,720 --> 00:00:18,080 [TYPING] 2 00:00:22,720 --> 00:00:23,440 [CHEERING] 3 00:00:23,480 --> 00:00:25,400 NARRATOR: Ladies and gentlemen, it's start time 4 00:00:25,480 --> 00:00:29,240 at the Dome NSCI SVP Stadium. 5 00:00:29,320 --> 00:00:31,800 And right about now, we're going to bring you the brother that 6 00:00:31,880 --> 00:00:37,520 gave you, "somebody going to get a hurt real bad," "be a man," 7 00:00:37,600 --> 00:00:39,800 "take it and go." 8 00:00:39,880 --> 00:00:41,560 One of "Rolling Stones" 50 greatest 9 00:00:41,640 --> 00:00:43,400 stand up comics of all time. 10 00:00:47,840 --> 00:00:51,120 Let's bring him on right now, the brownest working man in 11 00:00:51,200 --> 00:00:53,360 show business, Russell Peters. 12 00:00:53,440 --> 00:00:54,840 [CHEERING] 13 00:00:54,920 --> 00:00:59,320 [MUSIC PLAYING] 14 00:01:11,800 --> 00:01:14,720 Hey! 15 00:01:14,800 --> 00:01:16,000 Hello Bombay buggers. 16 00:01:19,160 --> 00:01:20,880 What's happening? 17 00:01:21,000 --> 00:01:22,360 I know it's going to sound strange, 18 00:01:22,440 --> 00:01:23,440 but it's good to be home. 19 00:01:26,120 --> 00:01:28,160 I mean, although I was never born and raised here, 20 00:01:28,240 --> 00:01:30,120 but I still feel at home. 21 00:01:30,200 --> 00:01:31,640 I feel like I don't have to do things 22 00:01:31,720 --> 00:01:34,040 that I have to do back home to keep up with white people. 23 00:01:34,120 --> 00:01:37,640 I can just be a comfortable brown man here. 24 00:01:37,720 --> 00:01:40,200 Fuck it, I don't even have to put on deodorant over here if I 25 00:01:40,280 --> 00:01:42,920 don't want to, because it's not stopping you, 26 00:01:43,040 --> 00:01:44,400 you know what I mean? 27 00:01:44,480 --> 00:01:48,200 [LAUGHTER] 28 00:01:48,280 --> 00:01:50,640 Give it up for Starting From Scratch, ladies and gentlemen. 29 00:01:50,720 --> 00:01:54,080 [APPLAUSE] 30 00:01:57,480 --> 00:01:58,760 So we're back in the motherland. 31 00:01:58,800 --> 00:01:59,600 How you doing, buddy? 32 00:01:59,680 --> 00:02:01,760 You OK? 33 00:02:01,840 --> 00:02:02,600 He must be good. 34 00:02:02,680 --> 00:02:05,600 He give me, like, the sharp one. 35 00:02:05,680 --> 00:02:09,000 That's how you know you're really fucking good. 36 00:02:09,120 --> 00:02:12,560 It wasn't even multiple, just one. 37 00:02:12,640 --> 00:02:13,400 What's your name? 38 00:02:13,480 --> 00:02:14,496 Preag. RUSSELL PETERS: What? 39 00:02:14,520 --> 00:02:17,680 Preag. 40 00:02:17,800 --> 00:02:19,120 That sounds like before ugly. 41 00:02:22,160 --> 00:02:26,160 I am pre-ug right now, 10 more years, full-ug. 42 00:02:26,240 --> 00:02:29,600 [LAUGHTER] 43 00:02:32,840 --> 00:02:33,880 How you doing, buddy? Good? 44 00:02:33,960 --> 00:02:35,600 You chose to look like a sperm tonight. 45 00:02:35,680 --> 00:02:36,760 I see that was your... 46 00:02:36,840 --> 00:02:38,920 That was a choice you made. 47 00:02:38,960 --> 00:02:42,360 [LAUGHTER] 48 00:02:49,800 --> 00:02:51,320 How did you get here? 49 00:02:51,400 --> 00:02:54,760 [LAUGHTER] 50 00:02:58,840 --> 00:03:00,400 That's why traffic doesn't bother him. 51 00:03:00,480 --> 00:03:01,800 I was around a million others. 52 00:03:06,640 --> 00:03:07,680 That's an awful outfit. 53 00:03:13,040 --> 00:03:15,240 Pre-ug, actually ug. 54 00:03:15,320 --> 00:03:18,640 [LAUGHTER] 55 00:03:25,280 --> 00:03:26,880 OK, let me tell you what's been happening 56 00:03:26,960 --> 00:03:27,880 with me since the last time I saw you guys. 57 00:03:27,960 --> 00:03:30,160 I don't know if you know this, it's been a few years 58 00:03:30,240 --> 00:03:30,960 since I've been here. 59 00:03:31,040 --> 00:03:33,560 But since the last time I was here, I got fat. 60 00:03:33,640 --> 00:03:35,200 And... fuck you. 61 00:03:35,280 --> 00:03:40,800 I... here's what happened, I was like my regular kind of fat. 62 00:03:40,880 --> 00:03:41,640 You know what I mean? 63 00:03:41,720 --> 00:03:43,400 Like, that kind of fat when you look at me 64 00:03:43,480 --> 00:03:44,920 and you go, you know, Russell, if you 65 00:03:45,000 --> 00:03:49,240 would just run, like, once. 66 00:03:49,320 --> 00:03:51,480 That's the problem with being Indian, we get fat. 67 00:03:51,560 --> 00:03:53,880 We're born skinny, that's the real problem. 68 00:03:53,960 --> 00:03:54,800 We're born skinny. 69 00:03:54,880 --> 00:03:57,280 We're naturally a skinny race of people. 70 00:03:57,360 --> 00:03:59,520 And we're born skinny and we stay skinny. 71 00:03:59,600 --> 00:04:01,280 We don't have to work hard to be skinny. 72 00:04:01,360 --> 00:04:03,040 We could be skinny and eat whatever we want 73 00:04:03,160 --> 00:04:04,200 and stay skinny. 74 00:04:04,280 --> 00:04:06,400 And then we never go to the gym because we're skinny, 75 00:04:06,480 --> 00:04:07,240 we don't need to. 76 00:04:07,320 --> 00:04:09,176 And our parents don't encourage you to go to the gym. 77 00:04:09,200 --> 00:04:10,960 You're like, dad, I'm going to go to the gym. 78 00:04:11,040 --> 00:04:11,760 What's in the gym? 79 00:04:11,840 --> 00:04:14,440 Do they have studies in the gym? No, you're not going to the gym. 80 00:04:14,520 --> 00:04:15,840 You stay home and do your studies. 81 00:04:19,480 --> 00:04:20,920 And because you never tone up, you 82 00:04:21,000 --> 00:04:23,920 stay this, like, really smushy kind of skinny, you know. 83 00:04:24,000 --> 00:04:25,880 And you eat whatever you want your entire life. 84 00:04:25,960 --> 00:04:27,560 And then at 30, you're Indian genes kick 85 00:04:27,640 --> 00:04:30,000 in and go, OK, party's over. 86 00:04:30,080 --> 00:04:32,280 And then you just get fat, and it's, like, a fucking 87 00:04:32,360 --> 00:04:33,280 awful fat that we get. 88 00:04:33,360 --> 00:04:34,600 And that's what happened to me. 89 00:04:34,640 --> 00:04:36,320 I mean, I'm much older than that now. 90 00:04:36,400 --> 00:04:37,840 But I got like a weird kind of fat. 91 00:04:37,920 --> 00:04:40,200 I was like my normal fat and then I woke up one morning, 92 00:04:40,280 --> 00:04:42,120 I was like, [POOF]. 93 00:04:42,240 --> 00:04:44,760 I was like, I'm bloated. 94 00:04:44,840 --> 00:04:47,800 I figured I would pee it out, I would sweat it out, 95 00:04:47,880 --> 00:04:49,040 I'd be fine the next day. 96 00:04:49,160 --> 00:04:53,760 Anyway, cut to a year and a half later and I'm still [POOF].. 97 00:04:53,840 --> 00:04:56,040 And I go, something's wrong. 98 00:04:56,120 --> 00:04:56,960 So I go to the doctor. 99 00:04:57,040 --> 00:04:58,720 I go, doc, I got fat. 100 00:04:58,800 --> 00:05:01,000 He goes, yes. 101 00:05:01,040 --> 00:05:02,000 I said, thanks, asshole. 102 00:05:02,040 --> 00:05:04,760 I didn't come here for confirmation. 103 00:05:04,840 --> 00:05:06,960 I came here to find out why I got fat. 104 00:05:07,040 --> 00:05:09,280 He goes, well, why do you think you're fat? 105 00:05:09,360 --> 00:05:13,480 I said, because I have a mirror. 106 00:05:13,600 --> 00:05:15,160 And I walked past it naked the other day 107 00:05:15,280 --> 00:05:17,480 and I thought somebody else was in my room. 108 00:05:17,560 --> 00:05:19,960 I was like, on my God, who fat, hairy ass is that? 109 00:05:20,040 --> 00:05:21,280 Turns out it was my stomach. 110 00:05:21,360 --> 00:05:22,360 It was... 111 00:05:24,920 --> 00:05:27,360 And people on the internet were calling me fat. 112 00:05:27,440 --> 00:05:28,840 You guys are dicks, by the way. 113 00:05:28,920 --> 00:05:30,840 You say whatever you want to us on the internet. 114 00:05:30,920 --> 00:05:32,640 And if we respond, we're assholes. 115 00:05:32,720 --> 00:05:34,200 So we just have to take the abuse. 116 00:05:34,320 --> 00:05:35,840 But sometimes I get mad when people say 117 00:05:35,920 --> 00:05:37,080 things to me on the internet. 118 00:05:37,120 --> 00:05:39,560 Not because of what they said, more so because it's probably 119 00:05:39,640 --> 00:05:40,760 something I would have said. 120 00:05:40,800 --> 00:05:42,120 And then I'm mad that my own words 121 00:05:42,200 --> 00:05:44,160 are getting used against me. 122 00:05:44,280 --> 00:05:46,440 Like, I posted something for this TV show I was on. 123 00:05:46,520 --> 00:05:50,520 And somebody goes, holy shit, did you eat your whole cast? 124 00:05:50,600 --> 00:05:52,640 And I was like, damn it, I would have said that to. 125 00:05:52,720 --> 00:05:54,880 I probably would have said that too. 126 00:05:54,960 --> 00:05:56,760 And then somebody posted a picture with me, 127 00:05:56,840 --> 00:05:58,760 and somebody commented and went, Russell Peters, 128 00:05:58,840 --> 00:06:01,760 looking thicker than a snicker. 129 00:06:01,840 --> 00:06:03,680 I got mad at that because I love a good rhyme. 130 00:06:03,760 --> 00:06:06,960 Thicker than a snicker, that's a good one too. 131 00:06:07,040 --> 00:06:08,680 It's not a fair way to describe a human. 132 00:06:08,760 --> 00:06:10,560 I think thicker than a snicker is a great way 133 00:06:10,640 --> 00:06:11,736 for me to describe my penis. 134 00:06:11,760 --> 00:06:13,520 I think it's a wonderful way to describe it. 135 00:06:13,600 --> 00:06:15,040 So Russell, tell me about your penis. 136 00:06:15,120 --> 00:06:18,680 Well, it's thicker than a snicker, equally dark 137 00:06:18,760 --> 00:06:25,600 and vain texture, packed with nuts, and it satisfies. 138 00:06:25,680 --> 00:06:28,600 [LAUGHTER] 139 00:06:30,840 --> 00:06:32,120 So I said to my doc, I said, doc, 140 00:06:32,200 --> 00:06:33,720 it doesn't make sense that I should be 141 00:06:33,800 --> 00:06:35,080 getting as fat as I'm getting. 142 00:06:35,160 --> 00:06:35,880 He said, why not? 143 00:06:35,960 --> 00:06:37,880 I said, because I don't eat crazy, 144 00:06:37,960 --> 00:06:40,160 and I train jujitsu every other day. 145 00:06:40,240 --> 00:06:43,560 He's like, huh, how old are you now? 146 00:06:43,640 --> 00:06:44,520 I said, 48. 147 00:06:44,600 --> 00:06:45,680 He goes, and you're Indian? 148 00:06:45,720 --> 00:06:47,600 I go, yeah, but... 149 00:06:47,680 --> 00:06:50,680 He goes, and you haven't had a heart attack yet? 150 00:06:50,760 --> 00:06:56,560 He goes... I said, no, I haven't had a heart attack yet. 151 00:06:56,640 --> 00:06:57,520 He goes, all right. 152 00:06:57,600 --> 00:06:59,560 So he takes blood and I leave. 153 00:06:59,640 --> 00:07:00,736 Calls me back in three days later. 154 00:07:00,760 --> 00:07:02,536 I go back in, he's like, hey, I got your blood back. 155 00:07:02,560 --> 00:07:04,120 I know what's wrong. I go, what's wrong? 156 00:07:04,200 --> 00:07:05,480 He goes, it's your thyroid. 157 00:07:05,560 --> 00:07:06,240 I go, what about it? 158 00:07:06,360 --> 00:07:08,080 He goes, you have an underactive thyroid. 159 00:07:08,160 --> 00:07:09,520 I go, so what does that mean? 160 00:07:09,600 --> 00:07:11,640 It means it's not doing enough. 161 00:07:11,720 --> 00:07:14,800 I said, I understand what the fuck underactive means. 162 00:07:14,880 --> 00:07:17,040 He goes, then why did you ask? 163 00:07:17,120 --> 00:07:18,360 I said, how is it affecting me? 164 00:07:18,440 --> 00:07:19,960 He goes, the thyroid is making you fat. 165 00:07:20,040 --> 00:07:21,760 I go, the thyroid is making me fat. 166 00:07:21,840 --> 00:07:23,280 He goes, no, you're doing things too, 167 00:07:23,400 --> 00:07:24,840 but the thyroid is really helping. 168 00:07:24,920 --> 00:07:26,120 I go, so what do we got to do? 169 00:07:26,160 --> 00:07:27,960 He said, we've got to speed your thyroid up. 170 00:07:28,040 --> 00:07:30,440 I said, let's get that bitch moving, right. 171 00:07:30,520 --> 00:07:32,040 So it's been a year and a half now 172 00:07:32,120 --> 00:07:34,080 and I lost 24 pounds from it. 173 00:07:34,160 --> 00:07:35,800 But it wasn't me, it was the medication. 174 00:07:35,880 --> 00:07:36,920 It's not me. 175 00:07:37,000 --> 00:07:39,040 And I've lost... like my body's in much better shape 176 00:07:39,120 --> 00:07:42,160 than it's ever been, but my fucking head is fat as shit. 177 00:07:42,240 --> 00:07:44,320 And I don't know... 178 00:07:44,440 --> 00:07:45,280 I don't know how to... 179 00:07:45,400 --> 00:07:47,320 I look like a fucking thumb. 180 00:07:47,440 --> 00:07:50,800 [LAUGHTER] 181 00:07:52,680 --> 00:07:54,560 Do you know how hard it is to lose a fat head? 182 00:07:54,640 --> 00:07:56,920 It's almost impossible. 183 00:07:57,000 --> 00:07:57,720 I used to box. 184 00:07:57,800 --> 00:08:00,440 There's tricks when you want to lose weight 185 00:08:00,520 --> 00:08:03,240 from your body in boxing, you could put on a garbage bag 186 00:08:03,320 --> 00:08:05,280 and you go sit in the sauna and you sweat it off. 187 00:08:05,400 --> 00:08:06,880 Let me give you some friendly advice, 188 00:08:06,960 --> 00:08:09,000 you can't do that with your head. 189 00:08:09,080 --> 00:08:11,200 I know, I found out the hard way. 190 00:08:11,280 --> 00:08:12,800 I was like, you know what, I got this. 191 00:08:12,880 --> 00:08:16,680 I grabbed a plastic bag, I threw it over my big stupid head. 192 00:08:16,760 --> 00:08:19,240 I'm not an idiot, I cut a hole from my nose. 193 00:08:19,320 --> 00:08:21,720 It was a substantial hole. 194 00:08:21,800 --> 00:08:23,600 And I went sat in the sauna. 195 00:08:23,680 --> 00:08:26,520 But I forgot when you have a larger nose and you inhale, 196 00:08:26,600 --> 00:08:28,640 you tend to suck up more than the average human. 197 00:08:28,720 --> 00:08:30,320 And I took a deep breath in the sauna 198 00:08:30,440 --> 00:08:32,920 and sucked up the plastic bag. 199 00:08:33,000 --> 00:08:35,120 And my friends thought I was trying to commit suicide 200 00:08:35,200 --> 00:08:36,320 in the dumbest way possible. 201 00:08:39,840 --> 00:08:41,640 But when I got fat, I got like a weird kind. 202 00:08:41,720 --> 00:08:43,440 Indian people, we get the worst kind of fat. 203 00:08:43,520 --> 00:08:45,080 Like, it just goes everywhere. 204 00:08:45,200 --> 00:08:46,640 Like, white people, do you ever see 205 00:08:46,720 --> 00:08:48,696 white Americans when they get fat, it's just bam, a belly. 206 00:08:48,720 --> 00:08:51,080 And you can't tell from behind. Hey, look at the white guy. 207 00:08:51,120 --> 00:08:52,480 He turns around and, like, hello. 208 00:08:54,840 --> 00:08:58,800 But Indians, it just shows up in the weirdest places. 209 00:08:58,880 --> 00:09:02,240 Like, I started to grow tits, but not in front, on the side. 210 00:09:02,360 --> 00:09:04,320 I don't know what the fuck they were going, but... 211 00:09:04,360 --> 00:09:07,120 [LAUGHTER] 212 00:09:07,200 --> 00:09:09,760 I was growing side tits and they were like arm rests. 213 00:09:09,840 --> 00:09:12,000 I was walking around after a while, I was... 214 00:09:12,120 --> 00:09:14,560 It was like I was going to go into a pool with some floaties 215 00:09:14,640 --> 00:09:15,920 on the whole time. 216 00:09:19,680 --> 00:09:21,080 And then I was getting a fat back. 217 00:09:21,120 --> 00:09:22,320 That was a weird thing to get. 218 00:09:22,360 --> 00:09:23,680 It was like fat on my back. 219 00:09:23,760 --> 00:09:25,856 I would sit down and my fat back would hang over the chair and. 220 00:09:25,880 --> 00:09:26,800 I'm like, what the fu... 221 00:09:26,880 --> 00:09:28,440 I would grab it and go, this feels nice. 222 00:09:28,560 --> 00:09:31,520 But not on me, I don't like this. 223 00:09:31,600 --> 00:09:35,040 And then I had a chunk of fat, like a big... like, right here... 224 00:09:35,160 --> 00:09:38,040 A big, huge clump of fat. 225 00:09:38,160 --> 00:09:41,720 Like, when a woman gets fat here, it's called a gunt. 226 00:09:41,800 --> 00:09:43,280 Because it's a gut right above her... 227 00:09:43,400 --> 00:09:45,280 You know I mean. 228 00:09:45,360 --> 00:09:46,400 So it's a gunt. 229 00:09:46,560 --> 00:09:48,240 And I guess when I had it, it's a gock. 230 00:09:48,280 --> 00:09:49,760 I guess it would be a gock, I guess. 231 00:09:49,840 --> 00:09:50,840 I don't know. 232 00:09:54,720 --> 00:09:56,920 Literally for a year and a half, I didn't see my penis. 233 00:09:57,000 --> 00:09:59,040 I would have to lift it up to visit. 234 00:09:59,160 --> 00:10:00,040 You still there, buddy? 235 00:10:00,160 --> 00:10:00,880 OK, good. 236 00:10:00,960 --> 00:10:01,760 And I'd rest it. 237 00:10:01,840 --> 00:10:03,400 Don't worry, the sun will shine one day. 238 00:10:10,720 --> 00:10:12,840 So my doctor says, hey, what else is wrong with you? 239 00:10:12,920 --> 00:10:14,920 I go, what do you mean what else is wrong with me? 240 00:10:15,000 --> 00:10:17,400 He goes, look, you're a 48-year-old Indian man. 241 00:10:17,440 --> 00:10:24,560 I'm like, that's really fucking racist, but since you asked, 242 00:10:24,640 --> 00:10:26,720 I have acid reflux. 243 00:10:26,800 --> 00:10:27,440 I don't know. 244 00:10:27,600 --> 00:10:30,400 Does anybody else... who else has acid reflux in here? 245 00:10:30,440 --> 00:10:32,200 First of all, you're lying to me right now. 246 00:10:32,280 --> 00:10:34,960 Because there is no way you can be Indian and not 247 00:10:35,040 --> 00:10:36,840 have fucking acid reflux. 248 00:10:36,920 --> 00:10:38,200 It's inevitable. 249 00:10:38,320 --> 00:10:40,920 There's no way you can consume the food that we eat 250 00:10:41,000 --> 00:10:44,200 with that much spice, and that much oil, and that much butter, 251 00:10:44,280 --> 00:10:46,240 and not just have it burn a hole in your... 252 00:10:46,320 --> 00:10:50,120 As my dad would say... your esophagus. 253 00:10:50,200 --> 00:10:50,920 What? 254 00:10:51,000 --> 00:10:53,600 Son, it's burning your esophagus. 255 00:10:53,680 --> 00:10:56,840 Dad, I want to assure you I have no phagus in me. 256 00:10:56,920 --> 00:10:59,120 No, no, son, esophagus. 257 00:10:59,240 --> 00:11:01,000 I don't care whose phagus you think this is. 258 00:11:03,680 --> 00:11:05,800 There's no way you don't have acid reflux. 259 00:11:05,880 --> 00:11:08,720 I'm looking at all of you, especially all the pudgy guys. 260 00:11:08,800 --> 00:11:10,240 You know exactly who has it. 261 00:11:10,320 --> 00:11:11,640 You got it, don't you, yellow guy? 262 00:11:11,720 --> 00:11:12,440 You do, do you. 263 00:11:12,520 --> 00:11:13,920 He's like, I know, I have it, but I 264 00:11:14,000 --> 00:11:18,760 don't want to say because my shirt looks like turmeric, so... 265 00:11:23,200 --> 00:11:26,160 I've had acid reflux my entire life... 266 00:11:26,240 --> 00:11:27,520 My entire life. 267 00:11:27,640 --> 00:11:29,880 And I remember being six years old... 268 00:11:29,960 --> 00:11:32,040 And here's the worst thing about having acid reflux, 269 00:11:32,120 --> 00:11:33,400 it's triggered by food. 270 00:11:33,480 --> 00:11:35,240 And when you grow up in an Indian house 271 00:11:35,320 --> 00:11:38,200 and your food is Indian food, and this food triggers 272 00:11:38,280 --> 00:11:40,360 your fucking acid reflux, and you 273 00:11:40,440 --> 00:11:43,720 can't eat Indian food anymore, you're a piece of shit. 274 00:11:43,800 --> 00:11:45,280 Like, I remember going to my mom, mom, 275 00:11:45,360 --> 00:11:46,640 I can't eat Indian food anymore. 276 00:11:46,720 --> 00:11:48,480 Mom goes, what? 277 00:11:48,560 --> 00:11:50,720 Do you realize people in India are dying to eat 278 00:11:50,800 --> 00:11:54,280 this food, literally dying. 279 00:11:54,360 --> 00:11:55,920 I said, mom, do you understand that I'm 280 00:11:56,000 --> 00:11:58,080 dying if I eat this food? 281 00:11:58,160 --> 00:11:59,160 Literally dying. 282 00:12:04,640 --> 00:12:06,480 I was six years old, I remember this clearly, 283 00:12:06,560 --> 00:12:07,920 I was six years old and I remember 284 00:12:08,000 --> 00:12:10,720 burping and fire shot up my chest 285 00:12:10,800 --> 00:12:12,280 and flames came out my nose. 286 00:12:12,360 --> 00:12:13,800 And I remember clearly because there 287 00:12:13,880 --> 00:12:15,080 was tears coming down my eyes. 288 00:12:15,120 --> 00:12:17,200 And I remember going, I'm crying and I'm not crying, 289 00:12:17,280 --> 00:12:18,160 I'm very confused. 290 00:12:18,240 --> 00:12:21,080 And I go to my mom, I go, mom, mom, it's burns when I burp. 291 00:12:21,160 --> 00:12:22,400 My mom goes, what? 292 00:12:22,480 --> 00:12:23,960 I said, it burns when I burp. 293 00:12:24,040 --> 00:12:27,440 Oh my God, it burns when he burps. 294 00:12:27,520 --> 00:12:31,920 Oh my God, son, OK, do this, don't burp. 295 00:12:32,000 --> 00:12:35,280 [LAUGHTER] 296 00:12:35,360 --> 00:12:37,880 That was your big piece of advice, mom? 297 00:12:37,960 --> 00:12:39,376 I'm like, I'm serious, mom, it's burning. 298 00:12:39,400 --> 00:12:41,440 She goes, OK, OK, yeah, yeah, here, drink some milk, 299 00:12:41,520 --> 00:12:42,240 drink some milk. 300 00:12:42,320 --> 00:12:43,520 I drank the milk, nothing. 301 00:12:43,600 --> 00:12:45,040 Mom, it's still burning, never mind. 302 00:12:45,120 --> 00:12:46,640 Dad, dad, it's still burning. 303 00:12:46,760 --> 00:12:50,640 My dad goes, OK, OK, see the yogurt on the table? 304 00:12:50,760 --> 00:12:51,760 Eat the yogurt. 305 00:12:51,800 --> 00:12:52,640 What? 306 00:12:52,760 --> 00:12:53,480 Eat the yogurt. 307 00:12:53,560 --> 00:12:54,840 What do you mean eat the yogurt? 308 00:12:54,920 --> 00:12:55,600 Son, it's a fact. 309 00:12:55,720 --> 00:12:58,600 What's a fact? 310 00:12:58,720 --> 00:13:00,480 If you eat the yogurt, it will cool you down. 311 00:13:00,560 --> 00:13:01,840 You'll feel better. 312 00:13:01,920 --> 00:13:02,600 How is that... 313 00:13:02,720 --> 00:13:03,720 It's a fact, son. 314 00:13:03,760 --> 00:13:04,560 How is that a fact? 315 00:13:04,640 --> 00:13:06,800 Son, do you even know what yogurt is? 316 00:13:06,880 --> 00:13:09,360 Yogurt is a probiotic. 317 00:13:09,440 --> 00:13:11,400 When you get sick, what does the doctor give you? 318 00:13:11,480 --> 00:13:12,480 Antibiotic. 319 00:13:15,920 --> 00:13:21,280 [LAUGHTER] 320 00:13:21,360 --> 00:13:23,840 Dad, I'm six years old. 321 00:13:23,920 --> 00:13:25,960 I don't know what a fucking biotic is. 322 00:13:26,040 --> 00:13:29,400 Son, one is for biotics and one is against biotics. 323 00:13:29,480 --> 00:13:31,240 I said, I still don't know what a biotic is. 324 00:13:31,320 --> 00:13:32,600 Son, just eat the bastard yogurt. 325 00:13:36,000 --> 00:13:36,680 I go, why? 326 00:13:36,800 --> 00:13:38,800 Because why do you think Indian people keep yogurt 327 00:13:38,880 --> 00:13:40,080 on the table when we eat food? 328 00:13:40,120 --> 00:13:42,080 To help your digestion. 329 00:13:42,160 --> 00:13:44,600 I said, OK, now that makes sense. 330 00:13:44,680 --> 00:13:46,240 So I grabbed a bowl of the yogurt. 331 00:13:46,320 --> 00:13:48,600 I start eating it, Well, fuck me in the eye, 332 00:13:48,680 --> 00:13:50,320 there's chilies and onions in the yogurt. 333 00:13:50,400 --> 00:13:53,160 Why? 334 00:13:53,240 --> 00:13:55,440 Why did we spice the yogurt? 335 00:13:55,520 --> 00:13:58,760 That's what triggers the burning. 336 00:13:58,840 --> 00:14:01,240 And Indian parents will become racist at the drop of a dime. 337 00:14:01,320 --> 00:14:03,000 I go, dad, why did we spice the yogurt? 338 00:14:03,080 --> 00:14:04,920 He goes, how else are you going to eat yogurt? 339 00:14:05,000 --> 00:14:06,160 Plain? 340 00:14:06,240 --> 00:14:09,120 We're not white people. 341 00:14:09,200 --> 00:14:10,680 I said, dad, that's really racist. 342 00:14:10,800 --> 00:14:13,480 Is it racist or is it a fact? 343 00:14:13,560 --> 00:14:14,840 How is that a fact? 344 00:14:14,920 --> 00:14:18,040 Son, what color is plain yogurt? 345 00:14:18,120 --> 00:14:22,960 [LAUGHTER] 346 00:14:23,040 --> 00:14:25,040 What does plain yogurt taste like? 347 00:14:25,120 --> 00:14:26,800 Nothing. 348 00:14:26,880 --> 00:14:28,520 What is the contribution from white people 349 00:14:28,600 --> 00:14:30,080 to the food of the world? 350 00:14:30,160 --> 00:14:31,280 Nothing. 351 00:14:31,360 --> 00:14:32,360 It's a fact. 352 00:14:36,600 --> 00:14:39,840 So my doctor says to me, hey, I just called downstairs 353 00:14:39,920 --> 00:14:41,800 to the clinic in the lobby and I got 354 00:14:41,880 --> 00:14:43,720 you an endoscopy appointment. 355 00:14:43,840 --> 00:14:44,520 I go, what? 356 00:14:44,600 --> 00:14:46,760 He goes, when was the last time you had an endoscopy? 357 00:14:46,880 --> 00:14:48,000 I said, never. 358 00:14:48,080 --> 00:14:49,720 Let me tell you something, doc, I've never 359 00:14:49,840 --> 00:14:52,360 shoved anything in my ass. 360 00:14:52,440 --> 00:14:54,840 He said, what the fuck are you talking about? 361 00:14:54,920 --> 00:14:56,520 I said, doc, I'm not an idiot, all right? 362 00:14:56,600 --> 00:14:59,640 I know what an endoscopy is. 363 00:14:59,720 --> 00:15:04,640 It's in your end -os. 364 00:15:04,720 --> 00:15:06,920 Copy. 365 00:15:07,000 --> 00:15:09,880 He said, no, you fucking idiot, it's in your mouth. 366 00:15:09,960 --> 00:15:13,640 I said, hey, yo. 367 00:15:13,720 --> 00:15:16,520 It may be in your mouth, doc, but it ain't in my mouth, bro. 368 00:15:16,600 --> 00:15:19,600 I mean, what you do outside of here is none of my business, 369 00:15:19,680 --> 00:15:20,680 man. 370 00:15:23,080 --> 00:15:24,880 That's why I like my doctor because he swears 371 00:15:24,960 --> 00:15:26,040 at me when he talks to me. 372 00:15:26,120 --> 00:15:28,280 I trust him for that reason alone. 373 00:15:28,360 --> 00:15:30,160 I don't trust people that don't swear. 374 00:15:30,240 --> 00:15:32,136 People that don't swear, you're hiding something. 375 00:15:32,160 --> 00:15:33,416 There's something wrong with you. 376 00:15:33,440 --> 00:15:34,360 You probably touch kids. 377 00:15:34,440 --> 00:15:35,760 I'm telling you, there's something 378 00:15:35,880 --> 00:15:38,440 wrong with people that don't swear, there's something wrong. 379 00:15:38,520 --> 00:15:40,480 They're hiding something. 380 00:15:40,560 --> 00:15:42,616 And people that don't swear act like they're better than you. 381 00:15:42,640 --> 00:15:44,200 Because they go out of their way to let 382 00:15:44,280 --> 00:15:45,680 you know they don't swear. 383 00:15:45,760 --> 00:15:47,360 I don't know, I just find better ways 384 00:15:47,440 --> 00:15:52,200 of communicating than using foul and obscene language. 385 00:15:52,280 --> 00:15:53,600 It's like, [GIBBERISH]. 386 00:15:59,160 --> 00:16:00,440 You keep an eye on those people. 387 00:16:00,480 --> 00:16:02,320 They're hiding some... There's something really 388 00:16:02,400 --> 00:16:04,240 dark going on in their head. 389 00:16:04,320 --> 00:16:05,720 They've got some dark, dark secrets 390 00:16:05,800 --> 00:16:07,840 and they don't want you to know about it. 391 00:16:07,960 --> 00:16:09,640 You see them, the people that are too nice, 392 00:16:09,720 --> 00:16:12,240 they'll be too friendly, too polite, you know. 393 00:16:12,320 --> 00:16:14,320 They got dark stuff going on in their head. 394 00:16:14,400 --> 00:16:16,680 They'll be like, well, the wife and I had a lovely dinner 395 00:16:16,760 --> 00:16:18,960 with you all tonight. 396 00:16:19,040 --> 00:16:22,600 We hope you all have a wonderful night of digestion. 397 00:16:22,680 --> 00:16:26,240 We're going to reconvene to the bedroom and at which point 398 00:16:26,320 --> 00:16:28,160 in the morning, we'll collect again and enjoy 399 00:16:28,240 --> 00:16:29,720 a delicious breakfast together. 400 00:16:29,800 --> 00:16:33,120 And at which point we shall discuss the night's events. 401 00:16:33,200 --> 00:16:36,320 With that, I wish you all good night and pleasant dreams. 402 00:16:36,400 --> 00:16:38,600 And they go to the bedroom and he closes the door. 403 00:16:38,680 --> 00:16:40,840 And he's like, all right, honey, shit on my chest. 404 00:16:40,960 --> 00:16:46,720 Because they got dark, dark things going on in there. 405 00:16:46,800 --> 00:16:49,360 Here's the good news, I swear I'll never shit on your chest. 406 00:16:52,440 --> 00:16:54,680 I like how uncomfortable that made all of you. 407 00:16:54,760 --> 00:16:57,200 I'm just trying to do the math on the shitting on the chest, 408 00:16:57,280 --> 00:16:59,080 it's... 409 00:16:59,160 --> 00:17:00,360 What is the purpose of this? 410 00:17:05,120 --> 00:17:07,360 My doctor says, listen, I called downstairs to the clinic 411 00:17:07,440 --> 00:17:09,720 in the lobby and I got you an endoscopy appointment. 412 00:17:09,800 --> 00:17:10,520 I go, when? 413 00:17:10,640 --> 00:17:11,760 He goes, right now. 414 00:17:11,840 --> 00:17:12,960 I go, so what do I gotta do? 415 00:17:13,040 --> 00:17:15,160 He said, you got to go downstairs to the lobby 416 00:17:15,240 --> 00:17:16,120 and go to the clinic. 417 00:17:16,200 --> 00:17:17,880 And I go, and when is this going to happen? 418 00:17:18,000 --> 00:17:19,120 He said, right now. 419 00:17:19,200 --> 00:17:21,680 I said, OK, so where is this going to happen? 420 00:17:21,760 --> 00:17:23,640 He says, at the clinic in the lobby. 421 00:17:23,720 --> 00:17:24,640 I go, no, no, on me. 422 00:17:24,720 --> 00:17:26,320 He goes, oh, in your mouth. 423 00:17:26,400 --> 00:17:28,320 I go, so what's going to happen in my mouth? 424 00:17:28,400 --> 00:17:30,320 He says, they're going to give you an endoscopy. 425 00:17:30,400 --> 00:17:33,480 I go, and it just takes place in my mouth? 426 00:17:33,560 --> 00:17:34,280 He goes, yeah. 427 00:17:34,320 --> 00:17:37,160 I go, they're not going to touch my asshole, are they? 428 00:17:37,240 --> 00:17:40,480 He said, do you want them to touch your asshole? 429 00:17:40,560 --> 00:17:42,320 No, they're not going to touch your asshole. 430 00:17:42,400 --> 00:17:47,160 I said, OK, doc, I just want to confirm that this procedure is 431 00:17:47,240 --> 00:17:49,480 strictly in my mouth. 432 00:17:49,560 --> 00:17:50,760 He goes, that is correct. 433 00:17:50,800 --> 00:17:52,440 I said, OK, I'm going to go. 434 00:17:52,520 --> 00:17:56,560 But I swear to God, doc, if they try and touch my asshole, 435 00:17:56,680 --> 00:18:00,280 I'm coming back up here and I'm fucking you up. 436 00:18:00,320 --> 00:18:01,320 He goes, go, you idiot. 437 00:18:01,400 --> 00:18:02,440 So I go. 438 00:18:02,520 --> 00:18:04,400 Now here's the problem, my doctor knows me. 439 00:18:04,480 --> 00:18:05,920 He knows what kind of person I am. 440 00:18:06,040 --> 00:18:07,840 He knows I've been a comedian for 30 years. 441 00:18:07,960 --> 00:18:09,120 He knows how my brain works. 442 00:18:09,240 --> 00:18:10,680 He knows how I have no filter. 443 00:18:10,760 --> 00:18:12,960 See, comedians look at the audience, we look at you guys 444 00:18:13,080 --> 00:18:15,280 and go, those are civilians. 445 00:18:15,360 --> 00:18:16,240 You guys are civilians. 446 00:18:16,320 --> 00:18:19,040 You know how to do this, sit around each other 447 00:18:19,120 --> 00:18:20,120 and be normal. 448 00:18:20,240 --> 00:18:23,560 Just sit around and go... 449 00:18:23,600 --> 00:18:25,176 I don't... I don't have that fucking filter. 450 00:18:25,200 --> 00:18:27,336 I have to... as soon you see... as soon as I walk out... 451 00:18:27,360 --> 00:18:28,360 [GIBBERISH] 452 00:18:32,360 --> 00:18:34,520 But these people in the clinic don't know me like that, 453 00:18:34,600 --> 00:18:35,840 so I can't go in and be me. 454 00:18:35,920 --> 00:18:37,840 So I have to do my impression of how I think you 455 00:18:37,920 --> 00:18:39,600 would handle this situation. 456 00:18:39,680 --> 00:18:43,600 So I walk up to the clinic and I'm like, hi. 457 00:18:43,680 --> 00:18:46,120 I'm here for my endoscopy appointment. 458 00:18:46,160 --> 00:18:48,400 It's in the mouth. 459 00:18:48,520 --> 00:18:49,240 She goes, yes, sir. 460 00:18:49,320 --> 00:18:50,800 We know where it is. 461 00:18:50,880 --> 00:18:51,840 Please come around. 462 00:18:51,880 --> 00:18:52,720 OK. 463 00:18:52,800 --> 00:18:56,360 So I walk around and she hands me a hospital gown. 464 00:18:56,400 --> 00:18:58,080 And says, OK, sir, just go down the hall, 465 00:18:58,160 --> 00:19:00,480 take off your clothes, put this on, and we'll get started. 466 00:19:00,560 --> 00:19:07,760 I said, uh... um, I think there's a misunderstanding here. 467 00:19:07,840 --> 00:19:10,560 My doctor upstairs, he told me that this procedure 468 00:19:10,640 --> 00:19:12,400 just takes place in my mouth. 469 00:19:12,520 --> 00:19:13,280 She goes, that's correct. 470 00:19:13,360 --> 00:19:14,736 I go, oh, well, then hang on to the gown. 471 00:19:14,760 --> 00:19:16,720 Let's just go get started. She goes, no, no, sir. 472 00:19:16,800 --> 00:19:18,440 You have to... you can't have your clothes 473 00:19:18,520 --> 00:19:19,760 on when we do this procedure. 474 00:19:19,840 --> 00:19:21,800 I said, that doesn't make any sense. 475 00:19:21,880 --> 00:19:24,520 Because if it's just my mouth you need access to... 476 00:19:24,600 --> 00:19:25,600 [AH] 477 00:19:28,200 --> 00:19:29,360 I'm not fighting you on this. 478 00:19:29,440 --> 00:19:31,400 I'm not even blocking my mouth. I'm here to help. 479 00:19:31,440 --> 00:19:32,840 Pick a chin, which one do you like? 480 00:19:32,920 --> 00:19:35,200 I'll hold it down for you. 481 00:19:35,320 --> 00:19:36,600 She's like, sir, it's policy that 482 00:19:36,680 --> 00:19:38,040 you cannot have your street clothes 483 00:19:38,160 --> 00:19:39,520 on when we do this procedure. 484 00:19:39,600 --> 00:19:41,560 I said, you know, it's funny you should say that, 485 00:19:41,640 --> 00:19:43,160 because I, too, have a policy. 486 00:19:43,200 --> 00:19:46,760 And my policy is that I like as many layers 487 00:19:46,840 --> 00:19:49,800 as possible protecting my asshole at all times. 488 00:19:52,440 --> 00:19:56,000 She said, sir, would you just go put the fucking gown on. 489 00:19:56,120 --> 00:20:00,680 I said, whoa, you swore. 490 00:20:00,760 --> 00:20:01,760 All right. 491 00:20:05,240 --> 00:20:07,440 So I go down to the change room. 492 00:20:07,480 --> 00:20:10,400 And I'm standing there and I'm buck ass naked, right? 493 00:20:10,480 --> 00:20:12,920 And I start getting really paranoid about my ass. 494 00:20:12,960 --> 00:20:14,440 And then I get a brilliant idea. 495 00:20:14,480 --> 00:20:18,720 I take the hospital gown and I put it on backwards. 496 00:20:18,800 --> 00:20:19,800 Smart, right? 497 00:20:19,880 --> 00:20:20,600 Right? 498 00:20:20,680 --> 00:20:21,480 To protect it. 499 00:20:21,560 --> 00:20:24,040 But then I look down, my dick is just swinging, just like... 500 00:20:24,160 --> 00:20:26,480 [LAUGHTER] 501 00:20:26,600 --> 00:20:28,440 Look, it's my story, I'll make my penis as big 502 00:20:28,480 --> 00:20:29,920 as I want it to be, all right? 503 00:20:32,600 --> 00:20:33,360 It's India. 504 00:20:33,440 --> 00:20:34,656 You're all, like, come on, bro. 505 00:20:34,680 --> 00:20:40,440 That's not even believable, OK? 506 00:20:40,480 --> 00:20:41,560 Not even on a humid day. 507 00:20:45,760 --> 00:20:48,280 It's true, it was cold in there too, you know, I just... 508 00:20:48,400 --> 00:20:49,720 You know what I mean? 509 00:20:49,760 --> 00:20:51,240 It was embarrassingly small. 510 00:20:51,280 --> 00:20:53,880 It just looked like three coins and a mushroom cap. 511 00:20:53,960 --> 00:20:54,760 It was just terrible. 512 00:20:54,840 --> 00:20:57,280 It was the worst. 513 00:20:57,400 --> 00:20:58,720 Oh man. 514 00:20:58,760 --> 00:21:00,760 You know what I mean, you know what I mean, right? 515 00:21:00,880 --> 00:21:03,280 You know what I mean? 516 00:21:03,360 --> 00:21:05,880 Have you ever had it shrivel up so much that you bend forward 517 00:21:05,960 --> 00:21:06,680 and it inverts. 518 00:21:06,760 --> 00:21:08,280 You're like, hey, where did my dick go? 519 00:21:08,400 --> 00:21:11,480 You're like dick, no dick, dick, no dick. 520 00:21:11,520 --> 00:21:13,520 My black security guys never get that joke. 521 00:21:13,640 --> 00:21:15,000 I don't get it. 522 00:21:15,080 --> 00:21:18,440 If I bend forward, the motherfucker hits the floor. 523 00:21:18,520 --> 00:21:21,760 [LAUGHTER] 524 00:21:27,640 --> 00:21:29,520 So I'm like, well, this is embarrassing, 525 00:21:29,560 --> 00:21:33,000 so I put the gown on the right way. 526 00:21:33,040 --> 00:21:34,640 And I walk back in the room. 527 00:21:34,720 --> 00:21:36,800 And she goes, all right, Mr. Peters, just hop up here 528 00:21:36,920 --> 00:21:37,760 and we'll get started. 529 00:21:37,800 --> 00:21:39,240 So I hop up on the table, but I put 530 00:21:39,320 --> 00:21:40,920 my ass right against the wall. 531 00:21:41,000 --> 00:21:42,480 Because like I said, I train jujitsu. 532 00:21:42,560 --> 00:21:44,400 If you want to come at me when I'm on my back, 533 00:21:44,480 --> 00:21:45,536 it's your funeral, not mine. 534 00:21:45,560 --> 00:21:47,480 And she goes, all right, sir, just so you know, 535 00:21:47,560 --> 00:21:49,440 during this procedure we're going to be putting 536 00:21:49,520 --> 00:21:50,760 you under using propofol. 537 00:21:50,800 --> 00:21:53,040 I said, wait, wait a minute, propofol? 538 00:21:53,120 --> 00:21:55,280 Isn't that the shit that killed Michael Jackson? 539 00:21:55,320 --> 00:21:57,280 She goes, yes, yes it is. 540 00:21:57,360 --> 00:21:59,280 I go, what do you mean, yes, yes it is? 541 00:21:59,360 --> 00:22:01,440 Why are you so happy about this? 542 00:22:01,520 --> 00:22:03,440 It killed the biggest pop star of my lifetime 543 00:22:03,520 --> 00:22:05,400 and you think it's just OK for me to take? 544 00:22:05,480 --> 00:22:07,360 She said, sir, Michael Jackson was having 545 00:22:07,440 --> 00:22:09,080 an improperly administered. 546 00:22:09,160 --> 00:22:11,000 I said, Michael Jackson was having many things 547 00:22:11,080 --> 00:22:13,840 improperly administered. 548 00:22:13,920 --> 00:22:16,640 But wasn't his doctor's name Dr. Conrad Murray? 549 00:22:16,720 --> 00:22:17,440 Yes. 550 00:22:17,520 --> 00:22:19,000 Wasn't he a doctor? 551 00:22:19,080 --> 00:22:19,880 Yes. 552 00:22:19,960 --> 00:22:21,120 Well, what's your title? 553 00:22:21,200 --> 00:22:23,120 I'm an anesthesiologist. 554 00:22:23,200 --> 00:22:25,760 I said, look, I don't care what your zodiac sign is, all right? 555 00:22:28,440 --> 00:22:30,920 I don't even know what month that is. 556 00:22:31,000 --> 00:22:33,840 She said, sir, my job is to make sure you go to sleep 557 00:22:33,920 --> 00:22:35,560 and wake up. 558 00:22:35,640 --> 00:22:38,560 I say, [MOCKING GIBBERISH]. 559 00:22:38,640 --> 00:22:42,360 I said that is a fine answer and I will accept that. 560 00:22:42,440 --> 00:22:43,120 She goes, great. 561 00:22:43,200 --> 00:22:44,520 Please lay on your side. 562 00:22:44,600 --> 00:22:46,440 I said no, no, no. 563 00:22:46,520 --> 00:22:48,040 Why? 564 00:22:48,120 --> 00:22:49,360 Why do I got to lay on my side? 565 00:22:49,440 --> 00:22:51,000 I lay on my side, you knock me out, 566 00:22:51,080 --> 00:22:53,520 you lift up the dress, you flip up a butt cheek, 567 00:22:53,600 --> 00:22:55,040 you start stuffing me like a turkey. 568 00:22:55,120 --> 00:22:56,600 I'm not falling for this trick, lady. 569 00:22:59,080 --> 00:23:00,496 She said, sir, you need to lay on your side 570 00:23:00,520 --> 00:23:01,896 because when we give you the propofol 571 00:23:01,920 --> 00:23:04,200 you're going to pass out and you're going to fall over. 572 00:23:04,320 --> 00:23:06,200 And when you fall over, you could hurt yourself. 573 00:23:06,320 --> 00:23:10,160 So to avoid any injury, you need to already start on your side. 574 00:23:10,240 --> 00:23:12,880 I said, that is a fair answer. 575 00:23:12,960 --> 00:23:14,160 She goes, great. 576 00:23:14,240 --> 00:23:16,040 So I lay on my side, but I tuck my ass 577 00:23:16,120 --> 00:23:17,840 in real tight on the wall. 578 00:23:17,920 --> 00:23:20,200 And she goes, why don't you count down from five with us? 579 00:23:20,320 --> 00:23:21,320 And I go, all right. 580 00:23:21,360 --> 00:23:24,400 Five, four, thwump. 581 00:23:24,480 --> 00:23:25,200 Out cold. 582 00:23:25,280 --> 00:23:27,680 I don't know if any of you've been put under at the doctor, 583 00:23:27,760 --> 00:23:28,560 but... 584 00:23:28,640 --> 00:23:30,360 Sir, have you been put under at the doctor? 585 00:23:30,440 --> 00:23:31,360 You're an older gentleman. 586 00:23:31,440 --> 00:23:33,960 I mean, not older, but you know, you're not these fucking kids, 587 00:23:34,040 --> 00:23:34,840 you know what I mean? 588 00:23:34,920 --> 00:23:35,760 What's your name? 589 00:23:35,840 --> 00:23:37,600 Sandeep. 590 00:23:37,680 --> 00:23:38,800 And how old are you Sandeep? 591 00:23:38,840 --> 00:23:39,680 48. 592 00:23:39,760 --> 00:23:41,720 48, we're the same age. 593 00:23:41,800 --> 00:23:42,640 Same shit. 594 00:23:42,720 --> 00:23:44,400 And have you been put under at the doctor? 595 00:23:44,480 --> 00:23:45,680 I got an endoscopy. 596 00:23:45,760 --> 00:23:47,200 RUSSELL PETERS: You had an endoscopy? 597 00:23:47,280 --> 00:23:48,680 "Endo-scope-y." 598 00:23:48,760 --> 00:23:52,360 He had the "endo-scope-y." 599 00:23:52,440 --> 00:23:53,920 And I had the endoscopy, so I think... 600 00:23:57,080 --> 00:24:00,480 [LAUGHTER] 601 00:24:04,680 --> 00:24:07,080 Do you know if they gave you propofol when they put you out? 602 00:24:07,160 --> 00:24:07,880 No. 603 00:24:07,960 --> 00:24:09,616 RUSSELL PETERS: No, they gave you the cheap shit? 604 00:24:09,640 --> 00:24:11,200 Did they knock you out when they did it? 605 00:24:11,280 --> 00:24:12,000 AUDIENCE: No. 606 00:24:12,080 --> 00:24:12,840 No? 607 00:24:12,920 --> 00:24:14,560 All right, Sandeep, open wide. 608 00:24:14,640 --> 00:24:16,000 [YELLING] 609 00:24:16,080 --> 00:24:16,800 Really? 610 00:24:16,880 --> 00:24:17,760 You were awake? 611 00:24:17,840 --> 00:24:18,920 Yeah. 612 00:24:19,000 --> 00:24:21,440 Why didn't you spend the extra $10 and get the fucking med? 613 00:24:21,520 --> 00:24:26,400 [LAUGHTER] 614 00:24:26,480 --> 00:24:29,800 Is it even possible to do it when somebody is awake? 615 00:24:29,880 --> 00:24:32,040 Oh my God. 616 00:24:32,120 --> 00:24:35,040 It's ironic because all the doctors in America are Indian. 617 00:24:35,120 --> 00:24:38,800 [LAUGHTER] 618 00:24:38,880 --> 00:24:40,520 And then in India, they're like, fuck it, 619 00:24:40,600 --> 00:24:44,160 we don't need all these fancy tricks. 620 00:24:44,240 --> 00:24:45,240 Open wind, Sandeep. 621 00:24:50,920 --> 00:24:53,360 Were you 1970 or '71? 622 00:24:53,480 --> 00:24:54,560 '71. RUSSELL PETERS: '71. 623 00:24:54,640 --> 00:24:56,040 So you're a year younger than me. 624 00:24:56,120 --> 00:24:56,920 But you know what's... 625 00:24:57,000 --> 00:24:58,640 You know what I'm not looking forward to, 626 00:24:58,720 --> 00:24:59,560 next year I'll be 50. 627 00:24:59,640 --> 00:25:02,480 And uh-uh, because you know what happens at 50. 628 00:25:02,560 --> 00:25:03,856 They've got to go with the old... 629 00:25:03,880 --> 00:25:05,520 [WHISTLING] 630 00:25:05,600 --> 00:25:06,280 You know? 631 00:25:06,360 --> 00:25:09,000 [SQUEAKING] 632 00:25:09,080 --> 00:25:10,480 You know what I'm talking about? 633 00:25:10,560 --> 00:25:12,680 [BAA-ING] 634 00:25:12,760 --> 00:25:14,000 [MOO-ING] 635 00:25:14,080 --> 00:25:16,320 I'm running out of noises, Sandeep, all right? 636 00:25:16,440 --> 00:25:18,640 Sir, how old are you? 637 00:25:18,720 --> 00:25:19,440 Huh? 638 00:25:19,520 --> 00:25:20,800 AUDIENCE: 60. RUSSELL PETERS: 60. 639 00:25:20,880 --> 00:25:22,200 Did you have the old [WHISTLING]?? 640 00:25:22,280 --> 00:25:23,080 Not yet. 641 00:25:23,160 --> 00:25:24,240 You haven't done it yet? 642 00:25:24,320 --> 00:25:25,680 What the fuck are you waiting for? 643 00:25:25,760 --> 00:25:28,280 You're 60. 644 00:25:28,360 --> 00:25:29,880 You gotta get your shit checked. 645 00:25:29,960 --> 00:25:31,840 Here's the thing, when I turned 40, 646 00:25:31,920 --> 00:25:33,800 it's when you were supposed to do it back then. 647 00:25:33,880 --> 00:25:35,880 And then for some reason as I turned 40, 648 00:25:35,960 --> 00:25:37,400 there were like, no, no, it's 50 now. 649 00:25:37,520 --> 00:25:38,800 And I go, yes. 650 00:25:38,880 --> 00:25:40,920 And I was like, I got 10 years before they're going 651 00:25:41,000 --> 00:25:43,000 to shove a hand up my ass. 652 00:25:43,080 --> 00:25:45,240 And I figured in that 10 years, they would come up 653 00:25:45,320 --> 00:25:46,480 with some sort of technology. 654 00:25:46,560 --> 00:25:50,080 Because in those 10 years they got a fucking Rover to Mars. 655 00:25:50,160 --> 00:25:51,480 India's got one circling Mars. 656 00:25:51,560 --> 00:25:53,240 The Chinese have got shit on the moon. 657 00:25:53,320 --> 00:25:54,960 And no, 10 years later, still [AH].. 658 00:25:58,480 --> 00:26:03,120 I'm still puzzled that you were awake when this shit happened. 659 00:26:03,200 --> 00:26:04,640 I can't imagine how uncomfortable 660 00:26:04,720 --> 00:26:05,440 that would have been. 661 00:26:05,560 --> 00:26:07,096 Yeah, they knock you out and they give you propofol. 662 00:26:07,120 --> 00:26:09,800 Let me just too you something about this propofol shit. 663 00:26:09,880 --> 00:26:10,600 It's incredible. 664 00:26:10,680 --> 00:26:13,120 I get it, Michael, I get it. 665 00:26:13,200 --> 00:26:16,600 It's an amazing drug, and I'm not a drug guy by any means. 666 00:26:16,680 --> 00:26:17,880 It's not even my thing at all. 667 00:26:17,920 --> 00:26:19,136 I drink a little, but that's about it. 668 00:26:19,160 --> 00:26:21,600 You know, but people come up to after the shows all the time 669 00:26:21,680 --> 00:26:22,816 and say, hey, Russell, you... 670 00:26:22,840 --> 00:26:25,240 [SNIFFING] 671 00:26:25,320 --> 00:26:26,880 What? 672 00:26:26,960 --> 00:26:28,680 You do blow? 673 00:26:28,760 --> 00:26:29,520 What? 674 00:26:29,600 --> 00:26:30,280 Coke? 675 00:26:30,360 --> 00:26:31,680 You do cocaine? 676 00:26:31,760 --> 00:26:33,880 Do I fucking look like I do cocaine? 677 00:26:33,960 --> 00:26:36,160 If I'm doing cocaine and my face is still this fat, 678 00:26:36,240 --> 00:26:37,640 I'm doing cocaine wrong. 679 00:26:37,720 --> 00:26:40,240 [LAUGHTER] 680 00:26:40,320 --> 00:26:41,600 Hey, give me another line, yeah. 681 00:26:41,680 --> 00:26:43,440 Aw, oh! 682 00:26:46,840 --> 00:26:47,840 No, I don't do cocaine. 683 00:26:47,920 --> 00:26:50,000 Have you seen the size of my nose? 684 00:26:50,080 --> 00:26:52,160 You can't afford to do cocaine with a nose this big. 685 00:26:55,680 --> 00:26:58,120 You go broke after one try. 686 00:26:58,200 --> 00:27:02,280 Wouldn't be able to do lines, I'd have to do lanes. 687 00:27:02,360 --> 00:27:04,320 It's not a reasonable drug of choice. 688 00:27:04,400 --> 00:27:08,480 [LAUGHTER] 689 00:27:08,600 --> 00:27:11,400 Then why are you always sniffing? 690 00:27:11,480 --> 00:27:12,320 I'll tell you exactly. 691 00:27:12,400 --> 00:27:13,560 I'm aware that I sniff a lot. 692 00:27:13,640 --> 00:27:15,160 And I'll tell you exactly why I sniff. 693 00:27:15,240 --> 00:27:16,240 I used to box. 694 00:27:16,320 --> 00:27:18,000 And when I was boxing, I broke my nose. 695 00:27:18,080 --> 00:27:22,280 But I didn't know I broke my nose, so it never got fixed. 696 00:27:22,360 --> 00:27:23,920 And of course I would've broken my nose. 697 00:27:24,000 --> 00:27:26,160 It's been literally 30 years since I've broken my nose, 698 00:27:26,240 --> 00:27:26,960 but I didn't know. 699 00:27:27,040 --> 00:27:28,936 Because I thought a broken nose looked like a broken nose. 700 00:27:28,960 --> 00:27:30,520 I thought it was like the guys in my gym 701 00:27:30,640 --> 00:27:32,000 where there was nothing then a nub. 702 00:27:32,080 --> 00:27:34,320 And they're like, what's up, champ? 703 00:27:34,400 --> 00:27:35,120 I didn't know. 704 00:27:35,200 --> 00:27:36,680 I just thought I was a bleeder when I 705 00:27:36,760 --> 00:27:39,320 would get punched in the face. 706 00:27:39,400 --> 00:27:40,120 Last year is when I found out. 707 00:27:40,200 --> 00:27:41,656 I went to the doctor last year, because I 708 00:27:41,680 --> 00:27:42,480 was having trouble breathing. 709 00:27:42,600 --> 00:27:44,480 I go, hey, doc, I'm having trouble breathing. 710 00:27:44,600 --> 00:27:45,720 He goes, what's the problem? 711 00:27:45,760 --> 00:27:48,640 I go, like, one nostril works and then the other one doesn't. 712 00:27:48,720 --> 00:27:50,360 And then when the other one stops working, 713 00:27:50,440 --> 00:27:51,800 the other one starts working. 714 00:27:51,880 --> 00:27:53,800 It's like there's a flap in there. 715 00:27:53,880 --> 00:27:57,960 Like a train, you know, local, express, local, express. 716 00:27:58,040 --> 00:27:59,600 He goes, have you ever broke your nose? 717 00:27:59,680 --> 00:28:00,800 I said, no. 718 00:28:00,880 --> 00:28:01,640 He said, you sure? 719 00:28:01,720 --> 00:28:04,080 I said, doc, I'm not an idiot. 720 00:28:04,160 --> 00:28:06,360 Pretty sure I'd know if I broke my nose. 721 00:28:06,440 --> 00:28:08,440 He said, didn't you tell me you used to box? 722 00:28:08,520 --> 00:28:09,360 I said, yeah. 723 00:28:09,440 --> 00:28:14,000 He goes, so wait, you used to box and you never broke that? 724 00:28:14,080 --> 00:28:15,520 I said, doc, I never broke my nose. 725 00:28:15,640 --> 00:28:17,160 He goes, wait, hold on a second, you're 726 00:28:17,240 --> 00:28:19,320 trying to tell me you were so good at boxing 727 00:28:19,400 --> 00:28:21,440 that you managed to avoid breaking the biggest 728 00:28:21,520 --> 00:28:24,280 fucking thing on your body? 729 00:28:24,360 --> 00:28:26,200 I say, I'm telling you, I never broke my nose. 730 00:28:26,280 --> 00:28:28,960 He goes, if you never broke that fucking nose in boxing, 731 00:28:29,040 --> 00:28:31,160 you should have a 10 world titles by now. 732 00:28:31,240 --> 00:28:32,240 I said, I never broke it. 733 00:28:32,280 --> 00:28:33,920 He goes, lean forward, you fucking idiot. 734 00:28:34,000 --> 00:28:34,720 So I lean forward. 735 00:28:34,800 --> 00:28:37,200 He goes like this, yeah, your nose is broken. 736 00:28:37,280 --> 00:28:38,800 I go, how do you know that? 737 00:28:38,880 --> 00:28:40,560 He goes, because I'm a doctor. 738 00:28:40,680 --> 00:28:41,736 Yeah, but how can you tell? 739 00:28:41,760 --> 00:28:44,080 He goes, because it's not connected. 740 00:28:44,160 --> 00:28:46,520 I go, if it's not connected, why didn't it fall off? 741 00:28:50,480 --> 00:28:54,240 He goes, you're a fucking idiot. 742 00:28:54,320 --> 00:28:57,320 He goes, look, nobody's nose should move around like this. 743 00:28:57,400 --> 00:28:58,920 I shouldn't be able to move it around, 744 00:28:59,000 --> 00:29:01,560 and double click, and order shit off Amazon from your face. 745 00:29:01,680 --> 00:29:03,520 This is not a normal nose. 746 00:29:07,680 --> 00:29:09,080 I go, that's a broken nose? 747 00:29:09,160 --> 00:29:11,240 He goes, yeah, what did you think it was? 748 00:29:11,320 --> 00:29:13,200 OK, don't judge me, all right? 749 00:29:13,280 --> 00:29:15,440 This is actually what I thought this was. 750 00:29:15,520 --> 00:29:17,440 And understand I've been a comedian for 30 years 751 00:29:17,520 --> 00:29:20,600 and I have a creative mind. 752 00:29:20,720 --> 00:29:22,600 Here's really what I thought this was. 753 00:29:22,720 --> 00:29:24,840 You know how humans... 754 00:29:24,920 --> 00:29:26,680 This is how you know it's going to be dumb... 755 00:29:26,760 --> 00:29:29,640 You know how humans are an ever evolving species? 756 00:29:32,440 --> 00:29:34,520 Like, if you looked at humans from 10,000 years ago, 757 00:29:34,600 --> 00:29:36,360 you go, what the fuck were those? 758 00:29:36,440 --> 00:29:38,800 Well in 10,000 years, those humans are going to look at us 759 00:29:38,880 --> 00:29:41,160 and go, what the fuck were those? 760 00:29:41,240 --> 00:29:46,880 Well, so because of evolution and my own ego, 761 00:29:46,960 --> 00:29:51,200 I thought that I was evolving at a faster rate than you. 762 00:29:51,280 --> 00:29:54,120 [LAUGHTER] 763 00:29:54,200 --> 00:29:57,560 And that my body, to accommodate the larger nose, 764 00:29:57,640 --> 00:30:02,240 had developed some sort of joint hinge system in here 765 00:30:02,320 --> 00:30:03,400 to alleviate the weight. 766 00:30:03,480 --> 00:30:05,040 I don't know, I'm not a doctor. 767 00:30:05,120 --> 00:30:07,880 He goes, you're fucking retarded. 768 00:30:07,960 --> 00:30:10,080 I said, doc, you actually cannot say that anymore. 769 00:30:10,160 --> 00:30:11,336 What? That you're fucking retarded? 770 00:30:11,360 --> 00:30:13,240 Yeah, you can't say retarded anymore, doctor. 771 00:30:13,320 --> 00:30:14,040 No, I can say it. 772 00:30:14,120 --> 00:30:15,776 No, you can't, because it's offensive to people. 773 00:30:15,800 --> 00:30:18,120 I'm not talking about anybody else, I'm talking about you. 774 00:30:18,200 --> 00:30:19,120 You're a fucking retard. 775 00:30:19,200 --> 00:30:21,320 And I go, no, doc, you can't say retard or retarded 776 00:30:21,400 --> 00:30:22,160 at all anymore. 777 00:30:22,240 --> 00:30:24,056 He goes, I'm not talking about anybody, I'm talking about you. 778 00:30:24,080 --> 00:30:26,200 And as a matter of fact, I'm putting it in your notes. 779 00:30:26,280 --> 00:30:28,400 I said, you're putting in my notes that I'm a retard? 780 00:30:28,480 --> 00:30:30,640 He goes, no, I'm putting that you're a fucking retard. 781 00:30:32,440 --> 00:30:33,496 He goes, lean forward. I lean forward. 782 00:30:33,520 --> 00:30:34,776 He goes, let me show you something. 783 00:30:34,800 --> 00:30:36,120 I lean forward. He goes like this. 784 00:30:36,200 --> 00:30:37,000 OK, now breathe. 785 00:30:37,080 --> 00:30:38,240 And I go [TAKES BREATH]. 786 00:30:38,320 --> 00:30:41,040 Oh, that's amazing. 787 00:30:41,120 --> 00:30:41,840 What did you do? 788 00:30:41,920 --> 00:30:43,840 He goes, I attached your nose. 789 00:30:43,920 --> 00:30:46,400 [LAUGHTER] 790 00:30:46,480 --> 00:30:47,480 This is awesome. 791 00:30:47,560 --> 00:30:49,336 He goes, I can fix it and you can breathe like that 792 00:30:49,360 --> 00:30:50,080 for the rest of your life. 793 00:30:50,160 --> 00:30:51,416 I was like, yes, please, let's do that. 794 00:30:51,440 --> 00:30:53,120 He goes, you've got to make an appointment 795 00:30:53,200 --> 00:30:55,200 and then you need three weeks where you can't fly. 796 00:30:55,280 --> 00:30:57,200 Well, I don't have three weeks where I can't fly 797 00:30:57,280 --> 00:30:58,880 so I haven't had it fixed yet. 798 00:30:58,960 --> 00:31:00,640 But now I'm scared to get it fixed in case 799 00:31:00,720 --> 00:31:02,360 I end up looking like a pig. 800 00:31:02,440 --> 00:31:04,920 And then all my Muslim friends don't come and see me anymore, 801 00:31:05,000 --> 00:31:08,120 because they're like, he looks like a pig, we 802 00:31:08,200 --> 00:31:09,360 cannot go see him any longer. 803 00:31:09,400 --> 00:31:12,840 [LAUGHTER] 804 00:31:14,400 --> 00:31:16,160 I do this out of respect for my friends. 805 00:31:19,800 --> 00:31:21,080 Let's get back to this propofol. 806 00:31:21,160 --> 00:31:24,560 Sandeep, you got to get this propofol. 807 00:31:24,640 --> 00:31:26,600 You've just got to go back and tell them, listen, 808 00:31:26,680 --> 00:31:28,280 I think you need to check again and give 809 00:31:28,360 --> 00:31:29,640 me some goddamn propofol. 810 00:31:29,720 --> 00:31:31,400 Because if they give me the bullshit stuff 811 00:31:31,480 --> 00:31:33,080 you wake up feeling kind of groggy. 812 00:31:33,160 --> 00:31:34,360 Propofol, not at all. 813 00:31:34,440 --> 00:31:38,840 I literally woke up like this, whew, let's do this. 814 00:31:38,920 --> 00:31:39,960 She goes, we're done, sir. 815 00:31:40,000 --> 00:31:42,120 I go, you're done? 816 00:31:42,200 --> 00:31:45,600 [LAUGHTER] 817 00:31:50,200 --> 00:31:51,880 How long was I out for? 818 00:31:51,960 --> 00:31:53,120 Two or three hours? 819 00:31:53,200 --> 00:31:54,760 She goes, 15 minutes, sir. 820 00:31:54,880 --> 00:31:57,160 I said, in 15 minutes I could have saved a bunch of money 821 00:31:57,240 --> 00:31:59,400 by switching to Geico. 822 00:31:59,480 --> 00:32:01,120 She said, you can go get dressed. 823 00:32:01,200 --> 00:32:04,080 So I go get dressed and I come back in the room. 824 00:32:04,160 --> 00:32:07,000 And she goes, all right, Mr. Peters, we're all done here. 825 00:32:07,080 --> 00:32:08,480 Just so you know, in about an hour, 826 00:32:08,560 --> 00:32:09,960 you're probably going to notice you 827 00:32:10,040 --> 00:32:11,640 have a bit of a sore throat. 828 00:32:11,720 --> 00:32:14,120 I said, what the fuck did you do to me? 829 00:32:14,200 --> 00:32:16,760 She said, sir, it's the most common side effect. 830 00:32:16,880 --> 00:32:18,640 You know, we shoved a tube down your throat 831 00:32:18,720 --> 00:32:21,560 which may cause some irritation or some swelling. 832 00:32:21,640 --> 00:32:23,800 About 98% of the patients will suffer from that. 833 00:32:23,920 --> 00:32:26,600 So if and when that happens, just take an ibuprofen 834 00:32:26,680 --> 00:32:28,080 and you'll feel better. 835 00:32:28,160 --> 00:32:30,120 I said, are you sure that's all you did? 836 00:32:30,200 --> 00:32:31,680 She said, I'm positive. 837 00:32:31,760 --> 00:32:34,080 I said, you didn't touch my asshole, did you? 838 00:32:34,160 --> 00:32:35,160 She said, what? 839 00:32:35,200 --> 00:32:36,040 I said, what? 840 00:32:36,120 --> 00:32:37,120 And I walked out. 841 00:32:37,200 --> 00:32:41,360 [LAUGHTER] 842 00:32:41,440 --> 00:32:44,920 An hour goes by and then two hours goes by 843 00:32:45,000 --> 00:32:50,200 and I go into a panic because I do not have a sore throat. 844 00:32:50,280 --> 00:32:54,640 I'm like, oh my God, I've got the throat of a gay man. 845 00:32:54,720 --> 00:32:58,080 [LAUGHTER] 846 00:33:01,240 --> 00:33:02,760 Somewhere out there is a gay guy going, 847 00:33:02,840 --> 00:33:05,520 oh my God, these dicks are killing my throat. 848 00:33:05,600 --> 00:33:07,960 And here I am with all those wasted talent. 849 00:33:08,040 --> 00:33:09,600 I could have been guzzling dick all day. 850 00:33:09,680 --> 00:33:10,680 [GIBBERISH] 851 00:33:16,080 --> 00:33:17,560 I'm the envy of a community. 852 00:33:22,880 --> 00:33:24,400 Is that your wife with you, Sandeep? 853 00:33:24,480 --> 00:33:25,640 AUDIENCE: Yes. - Hi, wife. 854 00:33:25,720 --> 00:33:26,760 How are you? 855 00:33:26,840 --> 00:33:28,440 Do you guys have kids? 856 00:33:28,520 --> 00:33:29,320 How many? - Two. 857 00:33:29,400 --> 00:33:30,160 RUSSELL PETERS: Two. 858 00:33:30,240 --> 00:33:32,040 Boy, girl, boy, boy, girl, girl? - Boy. 859 00:33:32,120 --> 00:33:33,200 Boy and girl. One of each. 860 00:33:33,280 --> 00:33:34,800 Are you happy with that? 861 00:33:34,880 --> 00:33:35,760 Absolutely. 862 00:33:35,840 --> 00:33:40,640 [LAUGHTER] 863 00:33:40,720 --> 00:33:42,960 Is that the reason you went dry on the endoscopy? 864 00:33:43,040 --> 00:33:44,480 Because she was like, if I'm going 865 00:33:44,560 --> 00:33:46,120 to squeeze children out of here, you're 866 00:33:46,200 --> 00:33:47,400 going to take a dry endoscopy. 867 00:33:47,440 --> 00:33:50,640 [LAUGHTER] 868 00:33:51,960 --> 00:33:53,920 My advice to anybody if you're going to have kids, 869 00:33:54,000 --> 00:33:54,720 have a daughter. 870 00:33:54,800 --> 00:33:55,800 Daughters are the best. 871 00:33:55,880 --> 00:33:56,600 They just... 872 00:33:56,680 --> 00:33:57,520 [APPLAUSE] 873 00:33:57,600 --> 00:33:59,720 They really are. 874 00:33:59,800 --> 00:34:02,600 I have my daughter and I have a son. 875 00:34:02,720 --> 00:34:04,280 He's a month and a half old. 876 00:34:04,360 --> 00:34:07,040 He's brand new, so he's not very smart yet. 877 00:34:07,120 --> 00:34:09,920 But I don't think he's going to get much smarter. 878 00:34:10,040 --> 00:34:11,240 He's not... boy, he's dumb. 879 00:34:11,320 --> 00:34:13,880 Boy, this kid's fucking dumb. 880 00:34:14,000 --> 00:34:16,360 Like, you know when they're that small, like, everything is 881 00:34:16,440 --> 00:34:17,600 a tit that comes to his face. 882 00:34:17,640 --> 00:34:21,160 You know... I go to kiss him, he's like... 883 00:34:21,200 --> 00:34:24,080 Hey, fuck off, that's my nose, get out of here. 884 00:34:24,160 --> 00:34:26,560 You ever get a nipple this big, you need to check the check, 885 00:34:26,640 --> 00:34:28,480 because that's something weird going on there. 886 00:34:28,560 --> 00:34:32,200 [LAUGHTER] 887 00:34:32,320 --> 00:34:34,480 My girlfriend's Mexican. 888 00:34:34,560 --> 00:34:36,840 And I didn't realize how Mexican she was until she 889 00:34:36,920 --> 00:34:38,600 went into labor and they broke her water 890 00:34:38,640 --> 00:34:39,680 and candy fell out of her. 891 00:34:44,360 --> 00:34:48,120 Do you realize my son is Mexican and Indian? 892 00:34:48,200 --> 00:34:50,640 He's going to be able to engineer the wall. 893 00:34:50,680 --> 00:34:53,640 [LAUGHTER] 894 00:34:55,680 --> 00:34:56,680 And hop it. 895 00:35:00,200 --> 00:35:02,160 He's going to steal your laptop and fix it. 896 00:35:02,200 --> 00:35:03,880 It's going to be an amazing thing to see. 897 00:35:08,680 --> 00:35:10,720 How old are your kids? 898 00:35:10,840 --> 00:35:12,560 22 and 19. 899 00:35:12,640 --> 00:35:13,656 RUSSELL PETERS: 22 and 19. 900 00:35:13,680 --> 00:35:15,560 Man, you did all this shit young. 901 00:35:15,640 --> 00:35:16,720 That's crazy. 902 00:35:16,840 --> 00:35:19,440 I mean, that's great. 903 00:35:19,520 --> 00:35:21,120 I did it way too late. 904 00:35:21,200 --> 00:35:22,600 You think about it, I'm 49. 905 00:35:22,680 --> 00:35:24,240 When my son starts walking, we're going 906 00:35:24,280 --> 00:35:25,720 to be walking the same way. 907 00:35:25,760 --> 00:35:29,120 [LAUGHTER] 908 00:35:35,440 --> 00:35:36,840 I waited too long. 909 00:35:39,440 --> 00:35:41,600 Do you remember your first pregnancy? 910 00:35:41,680 --> 00:35:42,720 You remember it clearly? 911 00:35:42,840 --> 00:35:44,720 Do you remember how many months it took 912 00:35:44,840 --> 00:35:47,200 you before you started to show? 913 00:35:47,240 --> 00:35:49,240 Probably about four to six, maybe? 914 00:35:49,360 --> 00:35:50,800 Yeah, it's usually about that, right? 915 00:35:50,880 --> 00:35:53,000 Four to six months on your first pregnancy, the woman 916 00:35:53,120 --> 00:35:53,920 starts to show. 917 00:35:54,000 --> 00:35:57,160 My girlfriend, she started the show after one month. 918 00:35:57,240 --> 00:35:58,120 It was like, [DOOM]. 919 00:35:58,200 --> 00:36:00,000 I'm like, what the fuck is going on? 920 00:36:00,120 --> 00:36:00,760 How many? How many? 921 00:36:00,880 --> 00:36:03,760 How many motherfuckers are in there right now? 922 00:36:03,800 --> 00:36:04,600 I took her straight to the doctor. 923 00:36:04,680 --> 00:36:06,496 I need to know many heartbeats you hear, doctor. 924 00:36:06,520 --> 00:36:07,736 How many heartbeats do you hear? 925 00:36:07,760 --> 00:36:09,400 There was just one, but I got so scared. 926 00:36:09,480 --> 00:36:12,480 Because twins at this age, fuck that. 927 00:36:12,560 --> 00:36:15,160 Anybody here have twins or is a twin? 928 00:36:15,240 --> 00:36:16,840 You have them or you are? AUDIENCE: Boys. 929 00:36:16,920 --> 00:36:17,680 I have boys. 930 00:36:17,760 --> 00:36:20,160 RUSSELL PETERS: You have twin boys? 931 00:36:20,240 --> 00:36:21,736 And apparent... - But they are younger. 932 00:36:21,760 --> 00:36:22,800 RUSSELL PETERS: I'm sorry? 933 00:36:24,720 --> 00:36:27,440 And apparently your sunglasses didn't come with instructions. 934 00:36:27,520 --> 00:36:30,680 [LAUGHTER] 935 00:36:32,640 --> 00:36:34,560 This side of my head is very cool. 936 00:36:37,280 --> 00:36:40,440 That's only because you pulled your pag lower, that's all. 937 00:36:40,520 --> 00:36:41,760 You have twin boys? - Yes. 938 00:36:41,880 --> 00:36:43,240 RUSSELL PETERS: Identical? - Yes. 939 00:36:43,320 --> 00:36:44,480 Oh, see, that's twins. 940 00:36:44,560 --> 00:36:45,280 What did you name? 941 00:36:45,320 --> 00:36:46,440 Did you give them fun names? 942 00:36:46,520 --> 00:36:47,960 Gouldet and Harlet. 943 00:36:48,040 --> 00:36:51,920 Gouldet and Harlet? 944 00:36:52,000 --> 00:36:53,560 AUDIENCE: Yeah. 945 00:36:53,640 --> 00:36:56,520 It sounds like you're stealing something and putting it away. 946 00:36:56,600 --> 00:36:57,800 Gouldet and Harlet, please. 947 00:36:57,920 --> 00:37:01,200 [LAUGHTER] 948 00:37:07,000 --> 00:37:07,800 Identical twins. 949 00:37:07,840 --> 00:37:10,440 That's the only people that I think should be called twins. 950 00:37:10,520 --> 00:37:11,920 Can you tell them apart? 951 00:37:12,000 --> 00:37:12,760 Yes. 952 00:37:12,800 --> 00:37:14,320 RUSSELL PETERS: Do they were pags too? 953 00:37:14,360 --> 00:37:15,520 No. 954 00:37:15,600 --> 00:37:16,800 One has dimples. 955 00:37:16,840 --> 00:37:17,840 One has dimples? 956 00:37:17,960 --> 00:37:18,800 And the other one has... 957 00:37:18,920 --> 00:37:19,640 Doesn't have. 958 00:37:19,720 --> 00:37:21,440 RUSSELL PETERS: Oh. 959 00:37:21,520 --> 00:37:22,360 Yeah, I figured. 960 00:37:22,480 --> 00:37:24,280 One has dimples, the other one, doesn't have. 961 00:37:26,360 --> 00:37:27,776 Identical twins, those are the only... 962 00:37:27,800 --> 00:37:29,600 I hate when people tell me, yeah, I got twins. 963 00:37:29,680 --> 00:37:31,280 What do you got? I got a boy and a girl. 964 00:37:31,360 --> 00:37:33,200 That's not fucking twins ever. 965 00:37:33,280 --> 00:37:36,320 What you got are two kids with the same birthday. 966 00:37:36,360 --> 00:37:37,880 Women call their breasts the twins. 967 00:37:38,000 --> 00:37:39,960 Have you ever had a woman go, so would 968 00:37:40,040 --> 00:37:42,320 you like to see the twins? 969 00:37:42,360 --> 00:37:45,120 If she opened her shirt and an elbow on an ankle fell out, 970 00:37:45,240 --> 00:37:46,240 you'd be like, uh... 971 00:37:46,280 --> 00:37:49,640 [LAUGHTER] 972 00:37:51,600 --> 00:37:53,200 There's something wrong with your twins. 973 00:37:56,040 --> 00:37:57,976 Identical twins are the only people that should be twins. 974 00:37:58,000 --> 00:38:00,480 And I started getting scared when I thought my girlfriend 975 00:38:00,560 --> 00:38:01,480 was going to have twins. 976 00:38:01,560 --> 00:38:03,000 But I started settling into the idea 977 00:38:03,080 --> 00:38:05,360 because I started thinking of names for identical twins. 978 00:38:05,400 --> 00:38:06,840 I was like, if I have twin girls... 979 00:38:06,880 --> 00:38:08,760 Because you've got to have fun with the names. 980 00:38:08,840 --> 00:38:11,120 If I have twin girls, these are going to be my daughters, 981 00:38:11,240 --> 00:38:13,800 it's going to be Kate and Duplicate. 982 00:38:13,880 --> 00:38:16,520 These are my boys, it's Pete and Repeat. 983 00:38:16,600 --> 00:38:18,240 If I had twins with a black girl, 984 00:38:18,320 --> 00:38:19,400 this is Tyrone and Tyclone. 985 00:38:22,280 --> 00:38:23,976 Identical twins, that's like bragging rights for you, 986 00:38:24,000 --> 00:38:25,880 you know I mean. That's your way of going, look. 987 00:38:26,000 --> 00:38:27,200 Look at how good my balls are. 988 00:38:27,280 --> 00:38:28,400 Look, look. 989 00:38:28,440 --> 00:38:31,440 Or because you're Punjabi, look at how good my junk they are. 990 00:38:31,560 --> 00:38:32,400 Looks at this. 991 00:38:32,440 --> 00:38:36,920 [LAUGHTER] 992 00:38:37,040 --> 00:38:38,320 [NON-ENGLISH SPEECH] 993 00:38:38,400 --> 00:38:41,680 [LAUGHTER] 994 00:38:43,760 --> 00:38:45,560 Look at how good my balls are. 995 00:38:45,640 --> 00:38:47,800 My balls are so strong, they made one kid 996 00:38:47,880 --> 00:38:50,400 and then it made the exact same kid right away. 997 00:38:50,440 --> 00:38:52,160 You lift up your balls, sponsored by Xerox. 998 00:38:52,280 --> 00:38:54,760 Sponsored by Xerox. 999 00:38:54,840 --> 00:38:56,800 I call the left one copy and the right one paste. 1000 00:39:01,320 --> 00:39:03,920 For the people that are in relationships and your girl 1001 00:39:04,040 --> 00:39:07,080 wants kids and you don't want kids, I got some... 1002 00:39:07,160 --> 00:39:11,400 I got a really great way out of this. 1003 00:39:11,440 --> 00:39:14,880 Men, you need to learn how to fake orgasms. 1004 00:39:14,920 --> 00:39:15,720 Trust me. 1005 00:39:15,800 --> 00:39:17,280 Sperm face, do you have... 1006 00:39:17,360 --> 00:39:20,720 [LAUGHTER] 1007 00:39:24,960 --> 00:39:26,080 I'll just call you Gisbonda. 1008 00:39:29,120 --> 00:39:30,240 You have kids? - Yes. 1009 00:39:30,360 --> 00:39:31,600 RUSSELL PETERS: How many? - Two. 1010 00:39:31,680 --> 00:39:32,400 Two. 1011 00:39:32,480 --> 00:39:33,480 And with that lady there? 1012 00:39:33,600 --> 00:39:34,480 Yes. 1013 00:39:34,600 --> 00:39:35,720 And how old are they? 1014 00:39:35,800 --> 00:39:38,600 So my son is going to be 7 and my daughter is 5. 1015 00:39:38,680 --> 00:39:40,120 RUSSELL PETERS: 7 and 5, OK. 1016 00:39:40,200 --> 00:39:41,080 And you like them? 1017 00:39:41,160 --> 00:39:42,320 I love them. 1018 00:39:42,400 --> 00:39:44,400 You like them so much you dress up as them. 1019 00:39:44,480 --> 00:39:46,600 [LAUGHTER] 1020 00:39:46,680 --> 00:39:48,960 It would have been amazing if she was dressed like an egg 1021 00:39:49,000 --> 00:39:50,600 and you were like... 1022 00:39:50,680 --> 00:39:53,960 [LAUGHTER] 1023 00:39:59,760 --> 00:40:01,640 Men need to learn how to fake orgasms, that's 1024 00:40:01,720 --> 00:40:04,440 their way around having kids. 1025 00:40:04,520 --> 00:40:05,520 Let me explain to you. 1026 00:40:05,640 --> 00:40:07,960 First of all, women don't need to know how to fake orgasms 1027 00:40:08,000 --> 00:40:10,000 because they do it all the time. 1028 00:40:10,040 --> 00:40:12,440 And women don't fake orgasms because they can't have them. 1029 00:40:12,520 --> 00:40:15,360 Women fake orgasms because men are fucking idiots. 1030 00:40:15,440 --> 00:40:16,840 Because here's the problem with men, 1031 00:40:16,920 --> 00:40:19,120 we either don't pay enough attention to a woman 1032 00:40:19,200 --> 00:40:20,840 or we fixate on one spot. 1033 00:40:20,920 --> 00:40:26,440 We're like, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. 1034 00:40:26,520 --> 00:40:32,280 And she's like ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, OK, ow, ow, ow, ow. 1035 00:40:32,400 --> 00:40:33,600 But we don't hear the ow part. 1036 00:40:33,640 --> 00:40:34,640 All we see is... 1037 00:40:37,000 --> 00:40:38,200 That must be the spot. 1038 00:40:38,280 --> 00:40:39,720 Don't leave that spot. 1039 00:40:39,800 --> 00:40:43,080 Er, er, er, ow, ow, er, er, ow, ow, 1040 00:40:43,200 --> 00:40:46,040 er, er, ow, ow, er, er, ow, ow. 1041 00:40:46,080 --> 00:40:48,280 And the only way to get you to stop if she goes, ah! 1042 00:40:52,840 --> 00:40:56,040 And then you are going, yeah, I did that. 1043 00:40:56,080 --> 00:40:57,280 And she's like, no, you idiot. 1044 00:40:57,400 --> 00:40:58,400 I was going numb. 1045 00:41:04,040 --> 00:41:06,080 You need to learn how to fake an orgasm. 1046 00:41:06,200 --> 00:41:07,280 Preag, let me show you how. 1047 00:41:10,840 --> 00:41:12,720 When it comes to faking an orgasm with a woman, 1048 00:41:12,800 --> 00:41:15,560 it's very technical. 1049 00:41:15,680 --> 00:41:18,840 I have made up a list of suggestions. 1050 00:41:18,920 --> 00:41:21,280 I recommend if you're going to fake an orgasm with a woman, 1051 00:41:21,400 --> 00:41:23,200 you should be behind her... 1052 00:41:23,280 --> 00:41:24,720 Having sex, not just standing there. 1053 00:41:24,800 --> 00:41:27,800 That'd fucking weird if you just... 1054 00:41:27,880 --> 00:41:30,200 Oh. 1055 00:41:30,280 --> 00:41:32,080 [LAUGHTER] 1056 00:41:32,200 --> 00:41:33,600 What the fuck was that? 1057 00:41:38,280 --> 00:41:40,240 So you should be behind her having sex with her... 1058 00:41:40,320 --> 00:41:42,720 With her... at same time, yeah. 1059 00:41:42,800 --> 00:41:44,200 I recommend you're behind the woman, 1060 00:41:44,280 --> 00:41:46,600 because when you're behind a woman it's easier to fake. 1061 00:41:46,720 --> 00:41:48,520 It's harder for them to check your work. 1062 00:41:48,600 --> 00:41:49,960 Because when you're behind a woman, 1063 00:41:50,040 --> 00:41:52,480 very rarely does a woman turn around and go, was that good? 1064 00:41:52,560 --> 00:41:53,640 Never. Because you know why? 1065 00:41:53,720 --> 00:41:54,880 It's not an attractive angle. 1066 00:41:54,920 --> 00:41:56,320 Women don't want to look like, what? 1067 00:41:58,360 --> 00:42:00,360 So when you're behind it's like a horse in a race. 1068 00:42:00,480 --> 00:42:01,960 Just [TROTTING NOISES]. 1069 00:42:02,040 --> 00:42:06,920 You never see a horse going [TROTTING NOISES] 1070 00:42:09,920 --> 00:42:12,240 So you should be behind her. 1071 00:42:12,320 --> 00:42:13,480 And let me ask you something. 1072 00:42:13,560 --> 00:42:16,600 You guys are fucking obviously. 1073 00:42:16,640 --> 00:42:17,560 What's your name? 1074 00:42:17,640 --> 00:42:18,320 Sorry? - Sohill. 1075 00:42:18,400 --> 00:42:20,296 RUSSELL PETERS: Sohill. And your name, sweetheart? 1076 00:42:20,320 --> 00:42:21,640 Shabina. RUSSELL PETERS: Kibera? 1077 00:42:21,760 --> 00:42:22,800 What? AUDIENCE: Shabina. 1078 00:42:22,880 --> 00:42:24,096 RUSSELL PETERS: Sha... shamuch? 1079 00:42:24,120 --> 00:42:24,840 Pisha? 1080 00:42:24,920 --> 00:42:26,240 Shabina. 1081 00:42:26,320 --> 00:42:27,360 Subpoena? 1082 00:42:27,480 --> 00:42:31,120 Wait, like as in you've got to go to court tomorrow? 1083 00:42:31,240 --> 00:42:32,600 Shabina. RUSSELL PETERS: Savita. 1084 00:42:32,640 --> 00:42:33,360 Shabina. 1085 00:42:33,480 --> 00:42:34,640 RUSSELL PETERS: Shabina. 1086 00:42:34,760 --> 00:42:36,280 That was like 10 different versions 1087 00:42:36,360 --> 00:42:37,840 of the same name I just heard. 1088 00:42:37,920 --> 00:42:39,400 Shabina, OK. 1089 00:42:39,520 --> 00:42:41,600 I'm going I'm going to prove to every woman in here 1090 00:42:41,680 --> 00:42:44,000 that all men, including myself, every man in here 1091 00:42:44,080 --> 00:42:46,680 has ADD, every single one of us. 1092 00:42:46,720 --> 00:42:53,920 OK, Shabina, you ever doing it with Sohill and he's behind you 1093 00:42:54,000 --> 00:42:58,640 and you can feel him slow down and then speed up and then 1094 00:42:58,680 --> 00:43:00,920 slow down and speed up. 1095 00:43:01,000 --> 00:43:05,600 And you're thinking, oh, my little SoSo's got... 1096 00:43:05,680 --> 00:43:10,400 [LAUGHTER] 1097 00:43:10,520 --> 00:43:12,800 My little SoSo has moves. 1098 00:43:12,880 --> 00:43:14,840 Let me tell you something, that's not what it is. 1099 00:43:14,920 --> 00:43:15,680 Let me tell you what happened. 1100 00:43:15,720 --> 00:43:17,096 It's ADD, that's exactly what the fuck happened. 1101 00:43:17,120 --> 00:43:18,960 Here's what happens ladies, we get behind you, 1102 00:43:19,040 --> 00:43:20,520 we're good for the first two strokes. 1103 00:43:20,600 --> 00:43:22,480 And then after that, ADD. 1104 00:43:22,600 --> 00:43:26,040 We're like this, yeah, all right. 1105 00:43:26,120 --> 00:43:29,560 [LAUGHTER] 1106 00:43:40,680 --> 00:43:42,840 I got to change that light bulb when I'm done. 1107 00:43:42,920 --> 00:43:44,960 Oh shit, let me get back to it. 1108 00:43:45,040 --> 00:43:46,400 That's what happens. 1109 00:43:51,240 --> 00:43:53,880 OK, Preag, pay attention, bastard, hello. 1110 00:43:53,960 --> 00:43:57,600 [LAUGHTER] 1111 00:43:57,680 --> 00:44:00,760 So when it comes to faking the orgasm, 1112 00:44:00,840 --> 00:44:02,760 you don't have to do anything crazy, all right? 1113 00:44:02,840 --> 00:44:05,280 You're just doing your normal sex that you guys do. 1114 00:44:05,360 --> 00:44:07,320 And don't act like you do all kinds of fancy shit 1115 00:44:07,400 --> 00:44:08,440 in the bedroom, OK people? 1116 00:44:08,480 --> 00:44:10,680 We all know once you're in a relationship for a while, 1117 00:44:10,760 --> 00:44:12,320 there's the three basic positions. 1118 00:44:12,400 --> 00:44:14,920 There's the us, the her, the you. 1119 00:44:15,000 --> 00:44:18,400 That's all there is, it's three moves. 1120 00:44:18,480 --> 00:44:20,640 One to get it started, this one's for us. 1121 00:44:20,720 --> 00:44:22,720 OK, now it's your turn sweetheart. 1122 00:44:22,800 --> 00:44:26,280 And then my turn, that's what happens. 1123 00:44:26,360 --> 00:44:28,800 And here's some good reasons as to why you should fake 1124 00:44:28,880 --> 00:44:30,600 an orgasm, because you're not ready to deal 1125 00:44:30,680 --> 00:44:31,600 with a pregnant woman. 1126 00:44:31,680 --> 00:44:33,080 It's a very different... 1127 00:44:33,160 --> 00:44:33,960 Are you pregnant, sweetheart? 1128 00:44:34,040 --> 00:44:35,696 I could tell, because you've got a thin face 1129 00:44:35,720 --> 00:44:37,120 and then you're holding your stomach 1130 00:44:37,200 --> 00:44:38,360 and fat people never do that. 1131 00:44:38,400 --> 00:44:40,120 So when are you due? 1132 00:44:40,200 --> 00:44:40,920 Four weeks. 1133 00:44:41,000 --> 00:44:42,560 RUSSELL PETERS: In four, oh wow, you're 1134 00:44:42,680 --> 00:44:43,736 right... like, right there. 1135 00:44:43,760 --> 00:44:45,280 And is this your first child? 1136 00:44:45,360 --> 00:44:47,480 And is she extra horny right now? 1137 00:44:47,560 --> 00:44:49,160 It's true, it happens. 1138 00:44:49,240 --> 00:44:52,000 [LAUGHTER] 1139 00:44:52,080 --> 00:44:55,400 It's a fact. 1140 00:44:55,480 --> 00:44:57,400 It's true, they get really horny towards the end 1141 00:44:57,480 --> 00:44:58,200 of the pregnancy. 1142 00:44:58,280 --> 00:45:00,200 And it's very uncomfortable for us. 1143 00:45:00,280 --> 00:45:01,736 Because my girl when she was pregnant, 1144 00:45:01,760 --> 00:45:03,176 she was like, towards the end, she was like, 1145 00:45:03,200 --> 00:45:04,760 why don't you want to have sex with me? 1146 00:45:04,840 --> 00:45:05,840 And I go, it's... 1147 00:45:05,880 --> 00:45:07,240 Oh my God, you think I'm fat. 1148 00:45:07,320 --> 00:45:09,840 I go, I don't think you're fat, I know you're pregnant. 1149 00:45:09,920 --> 00:45:11,320 Then why would you have sex with me? 1150 00:45:11,400 --> 00:45:13,520 I'm like, I physically don't have enough equipment 1151 00:45:13,640 --> 00:45:15,000 anymore to get in there. 1152 00:45:15,080 --> 00:45:17,840 Because she got real big when she was pregnant. 1153 00:45:17,920 --> 00:45:18,720 I was like, I can't. 1154 00:45:18,800 --> 00:45:20,000 She was like, I'll get on top. 1155 00:45:20,040 --> 00:45:21,680 And I go, no, because she gets on top 1156 00:45:21,760 --> 00:45:24,000 then her stomach pushes me further away. 1157 00:45:24,080 --> 00:45:25,280 And I'm like, huh, huh. 1158 00:45:25,360 --> 00:45:27,240 And nothing because I can't reach. 1159 00:45:27,320 --> 00:45:28,960 It just my balls hitting her in the back. 1160 00:45:29,040 --> 00:45:32,160 [SMACKING SOUNDS] 1161 00:45:32,240 --> 00:45:35,240 Nothing happening. 1162 00:45:35,320 --> 00:45:37,080 It's like that scene in "Back to the Future" 1163 00:45:37,160 --> 00:45:38,720 where Doc's trying to connect the wire. 1164 00:45:38,800 --> 00:45:39,840 Come on, Marty. 1165 00:45:39,920 --> 00:45:43,280 [LAUGHTER] 1166 00:45:50,240 --> 00:45:53,040 OK, so you're doing your three positions, right? 1167 00:45:53,120 --> 00:45:55,160 It's a regular lovemaking day, you know. 1168 00:45:55,240 --> 00:45:58,240 You do us, her, and now it's on to you. 1169 00:45:58,320 --> 00:45:59,576 So you're behind her, doing your thing. 1170 00:45:59,600 --> 00:46:01,080 You don't have to do anything extra, 1171 00:46:01,160 --> 00:46:02,240 you just do it like normal. 1172 00:46:02,280 --> 00:46:03,760 You want to set off any alarms. 1173 00:46:03,840 --> 00:46:05,640 And when it comes time where you feel like now 1174 00:46:05,760 --> 00:46:07,360 is when I want to fake my orgasm, 1175 00:46:07,440 --> 00:46:08,720 this is where the work comes in. 1176 00:46:08,800 --> 00:46:09,640 You have to sell it. 1177 00:46:09,760 --> 00:46:12,400 You have to make a really believable noise, first of all. 1178 00:46:12,480 --> 00:46:14,360 All right, and it has to be a noise that you're 1179 00:46:14,440 --> 00:46:16,760 not going to accidentally do in the middle of the day, 1180 00:46:16,840 --> 00:46:17,520 all right. 1181 00:46:17,600 --> 00:46:18,920 And it's going to be a big noise, 1182 00:46:19,000 --> 00:46:20,200 you don't want to be like, oh. 1183 00:46:20,240 --> 00:46:24,960 No, that's... That's not it, all right. 1184 00:46:25,040 --> 00:46:26,040 It's got to be big and... 1185 00:46:26,080 --> 00:46:28,640 But like something... like what I do is when it comes time for me 1186 00:46:28,760 --> 00:46:31,240 to fake an orgasm, what I do is I just grab her ass 1187 00:46:31,320 --> 00:46:32,400 out of nowhere really hard. 1188 00:46:32,440 --> 00:46:35,880 I go [SLAP SOUND], and then I go, ah! 1189 00:46:35,960 --> 00:46:41,160 Because I'm never going to make that noise ever in my day. 1190 00:46:41,240 --> 00:46:42,760 Not unless I'm doing an impression 1191 00:46:42,840 --> 00:46:44,480 of a reporter from the 1930s. 1192 00:46:44,560 --> 00:46:48,640 Russell Peters, LA Times, can I get a quote, ah! 1193 00:46:48,760 --> 00:46:51,760 So you've got to go, [SLAP SOUND], ah! 1194 00:46:51,840 --> 00:46:53,040 And that's only the beginning. 1195 00:46:53,080 --> 00:46:54,400 Now you have to sell the orgasm. 1196 00:46:54,480 --> 00:46:55,720 That's where the work comes in. 1197 00:46:55,800 --> 00:46:57,320 So it's [SLAP SOUND], ah! 1198 00:46:57,400 --> 00:46:59,320 [BLUBBERING] 1199 00:46:59,400 --> 00:47:03,240 [LAUGHTER] 1200 00:47:05,320 --> 00:47:07,120 You literally have to act when her vagina 1201 00:47:07,200 --> 00:47:08,200 is electrocuting you. 1202 00:47:12,240 --> 00:47:14,040 And then when you're done, you just collapse. 1203 00:47:14,120 --> 00:47:15,480 You die, you die, you fall over. 1204 00:47:21,800 --> 00:47:26,200 And then she'll be like, wow, that was a good one, huh? 1205 00:47:26,280 --> 00:47:28,240 You're like, yeah, that was a good one, yeah. 1206 00:47:28,320 --> 00:47:29,960 Pay attention though, a couple of seconds 1207 00:47:30,040 --> 00:47:38,040 later, she's going to go, hey, you're not leaking out of me. 1208 00:47:38,720 --> 00:47:42,640 You go, no, no, that's because I shot that one way up there. 1209 00:47:42,720 --> 00:47:43,640 I launched that one. 1210 00:47:43,720 --> 00:47:45,120 It's in there deep. 1211 00:47:45,200 --> 00:47:48,600 Whatever you do, don't burp, because it's going to come out. 1212 00:47:48,680 --> 00:47:52,000 [LAUGHTER] 1213 00:47:56,000 --> 00:47:59,600 You know, Indian parents, like the NRI Indians, 1214 00:47:59,680 --> 00:48:01,200 they're very different than you guys. 1215 00:48:01,280 --> 00:48:03,240 You may not believe me, but you guys are far more 1216 00:48:03,320 --> 00:48:05,000 forward thinking than they are. 1217 00:48:05,080 --> 00:48:07,160 Here's the problem with the Indians that left India, 1218 00:48:07,240 --> 00:48:09,160 they left India in whatever year they left, 1219 00:48:09,240 --> 00:48:12,040 and that's what year India is stuck in. 1220 00:48:12,120 --> 00:48:14,280 [LAUGHTER] 1221 00:48:14,360 --> 00:48:20,600 If they left in 1970... 1222 00:48:20,680 --> 00:48:24,400 If they left in 1970, India is still 1970 to them. 1223 00:48:24,480 --> 00:48:26,280 They can't imagine all this shit is happening. 1224 00:48:26,320 --> 00:48:28,256 No, no, Russell, that would never happen in India. 1225 00:48:28,280 --> 00:48:29,480 Yeah, come. Come, motherfucker. 1226 00:48:29,560 --> 00:48:30,280 You should see. 1227 00:48:30,360 --> 00:48:31,920 You're going to see. 1228 00:48:32,000 --> 00:48:32,680 They do, they try. 1229 00:48:32,760 --> 00:48:34,240 They hang on to shit that doesn't 1230 00:48:34,320 --> 00:48:35,960 even exist in India anymore. 1231 00:48:36,040 --> 00:48:37,880 They try to be overly Indian. 1232 00:48:37,960 --> 00:48:39,280 And their whole reason for leaving 1233 00:48:39,360 --> 00:48:41,120 was bullshit, because they'll do this, no, I 1234 00:48:41,200 --> 00:48:43,440 want to leave and give my children a better life, 1235 00:48:43,520 --> 00:48:46,640 give them opportunities, expose them to different things, 1236 00:48:46,720 --> 00:48:48,720 let them experience a new world. 1237 00:48:48,800 --> 00:48:49,800 And then what do they do? 1238 00:48:49,880 --> 00:48:51,680 They have the kids born and raised in America, 1239 00:48:51,760 --> 00:48:54,640 and then around 18, they go, son, we know you're dating, 1240 00:48:54,720 --> 00:48:57,800 but maybe you should consider an Indian girl. 1241 00:48:57,920 --> 00:49:00,720 And you're like, but we're in America now. 1242 00:49:00,800 --> 00:49:02,800 I know, but you should think about an Indian girl. 1243 00:49:02,920 --> 00:49:04,880 I go, no, I mean, you know, If I meet one, yeah. 1244 00:49:04,960 --> 00:49:07,240 But it's not going to be my focus, because there's so 1245 00:49:07,320 --> 00:49:08,760 many other women around here, I might 1246 00:49:08,880 --> 00:49:09,960 as well try something else. 1247 00:49:10,000 --> 00:49:11,920 I mean, if I'm going to get with an Indian girl, 1248 00:49:12,000 --> 00:49:14,520 what was the fucking point of leaving in the first place? 1249 00:49:14,600 --> 00:49:17,880 At least over there we got way more choice. 1250 00:49:17,960 --> 00:49:20,240 But son... this is the bullshit they pull on them... 1251 00:49:20,320 --> 00:49:22,360 Son, what will happen to our culture 1252 00:49:22,440 --> 00:49:25,840 if we don't stay together? 1253 00:49:25,960 --> 00:49:27,176 What will happen to our culture? 1254 00:49:27,200 --> 00:49:29,120 Let me tell you what will happen to our culture, 1255 00:49:29,200 --> 00:49:29,960 fucking nothing. 1256 00:49:30,040 --> 00:49:31,400 Fucking nothing. You know why? 1257 00:49:31,480 --> 00:49:33,600 Because there's 1.3 billion motherfuckers right here. 1258 00:49:33,680 --> 00:49:38,200 [LAUGHTER] 1259 00:49:38,280 --> 00:49:40,480 If every Indian outside of India never 1260 00:49:40,560 --> 00:49:42,320 married another Indian again, we would still 1261 00:49:42,400 --> 00:49:44,200 have 1.3 billion right here. 1262 00:49:47,080 --> 00:49:48,960 You don't need us helping you. 1263 00:49:49,040 --> 00:49:50,480 Even you guys are like, stop fucking, 1264 00:49:50,560 --> 00:49:51,800 please, we don't need any more. 1265 00:49:57,120 --> 00:49:59,000 Here's what Indian parents need to understand, 1266 00:49:59,080 --> 00:50:00,680 is that the Indians and the Chinese 1267 00:50:00,760 --> 00:50:05,120 will forever, always, 100% of the time, be on this planet, 1268 00:50:05,200 --> 00:50:05,880 no matter what. 1269 00:50:06,000 --> 00:50:10,320 There's too many of us to just go missing. 1270 00:50:10,400 --> 00:50:11,416 If there was a nuclear war tomorrow, 1271 00:50:11,440 --> 00:50:12,560 you know what would be left? 1272 00:50:12,600 --> 00:50:14,040 Rats, roaches, Indians, and Chinese, 1273 00:50:14,120 --> 00:50:15,720 that's all that would be left. 1274 00:50:15,800 --> 00:50:19,120 [LAUGHTER] 1275 00:50:21,360 --> 00:50:22,720 And since everything's already made 1276 00:50:22,800 --> 00:50:26,760 on this great continent of Asia, we're going to be fine. 1277 00:50:26,840 --> 00:50:28,680 Here's what Indian parents need to understand, 1278 00:50:28,760 --> 00:50:31,040 if an Indian guy has a kid with a white girl, 1279 00:50:31,120 --> 00:50:37,320 they have a beige baby, that's a win for us. 1280 00:50:37,400 --> 00:50:42,240 I have two kids with Latin women, my kids are khaki. 1281 00:50:42,320 --> 00:50:44,360 If an Indian guy has a kid with a black woman, 1282 00:50:44,440 --> 00:50:47,760 that's a brown baby with the possibility of a larger penis. 1283 00:50:47,840 --> 00:50:50,360 That's another fucking win for us. 1284 00:50:50,440 --> 00:50:53,760 [LAUGHTER] 1285 00:50:55,840 --> 00:50:58,120 And if an Indian guy and a Chinese girl have a baby, 1286 00:50:58,200 --> 00:51:00,560 that's a super baby, and that's a win-win, 1287 00:51:00,640 --> 00:51:02,360 and you can name the kid Win-Win. 1288 00:51:02,440 --> 00:51:06,200 [LAUGHTER] 1289 00:51:11,320 --> 00:51:12,960 You know who I feel bad for in this world? 1290 00:51:13,040 --> 00:51:15,000 I feel bad for white people. 1291 00:51:15,080 --> 00:51:16,680 I do. I feel bad for white people. 1292 00:51:16,760 --> 00:51:18,720 I know there's some in here, but I can't see you. 1293 00:51:18,800 --> 00:51:23,040 You're back there, I see you glowing in the dark. 1294 00:51:23,120 --> 00:51:25,880 I do feel bad for white people because you're 1295 00:51:25,960 --> 00:51:28,840 dwindling at an alarming rate. 1296 00:51:28,920 --> 00:51:30,760 Like, there's not... You realize, like, 1297 00:51:30,840 --> 00:51:32,520 in about 150 years there's not going to be 1298 00:51:32,600 --> 00:51:34,920 any more purebred white people. 1299 00:51:35,040 --> 00:51:37,240 They've just been infiltrated at all costs. 1300 00:51:37,320 --> 00:51:38,696 That's why I feel like I live in America, 1301 00:51:38,720 --> 00:51:40,080 and in America you see on the news, 1302 00:51:40,160 --> 00:51:41,536 you see white people have these rallies. 1303 00:51:41,560 --> 00:51:42,880 And people get really mad at them. 1304 00:51:42,960 --> 00:51:44,360 And I kind of sympathize with them. 1305 00:51:44,440 --> 00:51:46,800 You see them on the news, like, the white people need to be 1306 00:51:46,880 --> 00:51:48,760 together with the white people. 1307 00:51:48,840 --> 00:51:51,120 They always add an h in front of it for some reason. 1308 00:51:51,200 --> 00:51:52,880 The white people. 1309 00:51:52,960 --> 00:51:55,840 And I'll tell you what. 1310 00:51:55,920 --> 00:51:57,680 But they're like white people need to be 1311 00:51:57,760 --> 00:51:58,840 together with white people. 1312 00:51:58,920 --> 00:52:00,440 And I'm like, yeah, they do. 1313 00:52:00,520 --> 00:52:01,720 And they're like, what? 1314 00:52:01,800 --> 00:52:02,840 I'm like, I'm with you. 1315 00:52:02,920 --> 00:52:05,120 We don't want you with us. 1316 00:52:05,200 --> 00:52:05,880 I know. 1317 00:52:05,960 --> 00:52:07,040 I'm not with you, with you. 1318 00:52:07,120 --> 00:52:08,280 But I feel your pain. 1319 00:52:08,360 --> 00:52:10,600 What in the hell's wrong with you, boy? 1320 00:52:10,680 --> 00:52:12,360 I'm just saying, well, there's a lot of us 1321 00:52:12,440 --> 00:52:15,120 and there's very few of you. 1322 00:52:15,200 --> 00:52:18,680 I just want to see the white people get preserved. 1323 00:52:18,760 --> 00:52:20,760 Because if white people go missing, who the fuck 1324 00:52:20,840 --> 00:52:21,920 are we going to blame? 1325 00:52:22,000 --> 00:52:25,360 [LAUGHTER] 1326 00:52:27,360 --> 00:52:30,200 I'm not ready for that kind of accountability. 1327 00:52:30,280 --> 00:52:34,600 Look at Scratch, his kids are half Indian, yes. 1328 00:52:34,680 --> 00:52:36,920 He likes the brown. 1329 00:52:37,000 --> 00:52:38,200 And I don't mean... 1330 00:52:38,280 --> 00:52:43,600 [LAUGHTER] 1331 00:52:43,680 --> 00:52:44,816 But Indian parents, they're... 1332 00:52:44,840 --> 00:52:46,720 I know there's a lot of Indian parents here too, 1333 00:52:46,800 --> 00:52:48,280 but you need to know, Indian parents, 1334 00:52:48,360 --> 00:52:50,920 that you're very good parents, but you're also really shit 1335 00:52:51,000 --> 00:52:53,880 parents at the exact same time. 1336 00:52:53,960 --> 00:52:54,880 Here's why they're good. 1337 00:52:54,960 --> 00:52:57,280 They're good because they love you so much. 1338 00:52:57,360 --> 00:52:59,960 They're shit because they love you so much. 1339 00:53:00,040 --> 00:53:01,920 Because here's the problem with Indian parents, 1340 00:53:02,000 --> 00:53:03,320 they love their kids to the point 1341 00:53:03,400 --> 00:53:05,200 where they don't let their kids think at all. 1342 00:53:05,280 --> 00:53:07,561 Like, they don't... We don't want their brain to burn out, 1343 00:53:07,640 --> 00:53:09,560 just let us do all the thinking for you. 1344 00:53:09,640 --> 00:53:10,960 We will make all the decisions. 1345 00:53:11,040 --> 00:53:12,720 And it all stems from... we all keep... 1346 00:53:12,800 --> 00:53:14,720 We're missing a generation, you realize that. 1347 00:53:14,800 --> 00:53:16,800 There is a generation missing from somewhere. 1348 00:53:16,880 --> 00:53:19,200 Because our parents lived for their parents, 1349 00:53:19,280 --> 00:53:21,176 and our parents are trying to make us live for them. 1350 00:53:21,200 --> 00:53:22,560 And then I guess we'll pass it down 1351 00:53:22,640 --> 00:53:23,960 and make our kids live for us. 1352 00:53:24,040 --> 00:53:26,480 And who the fuck is living themselves anymore? 1353 00:53:26,560 --> 00:53:27,480 But that's what they do. 1354 00:53:27,560 --> 00:53:29,800 They overpower you with the, you know, son, just 1355 00:53:29,880 --> 00:53:31,200 do what I tell you to do, OK? 1356 00:53:31,280 --> 00:53:32,640 Trust me on this. Don't do that. 1357 00:53:32,720 --> 00:53:34,000 Go here. Don't go there. 1358 00:53:34,080 --> 00:53:34,880 Talk to these people. 1359 00:53:34,960 --> 00:53:36,160 Don't talk to those people. 1360 00:53:36,240 --> 00:53:38,240 And then I'm not the kind of guy that can ever just 1361 00:53:38,320 --> 00:53:40,040 take information like that. 1362 00:53:40,160 --> 00:53:41,320 I always question everything. 1363 00:53:41,360 --> 00:53:43,800 So I'm like... if you want to see an Indian parent fall apart, 1364 00:53:43,880 --> 00:53:45,000 question them. 1365 00:53:45,080 --> 00:53:47,280 Holy shit, they have no clue what to do. 1366 00:53:47,360 --> 00:53:48,880 My dad would be like, son, I don't want 1367 00:53:48,960 --> 00:53:50,200 you going to that club tonight. 1368 00:53:50,280 --> 00:53:51,200 I go, why not? 1369 00:53:51,280 --> 00:53:52,280 What do you mean why not? 1370 00:53:55,200 --> 00:53:55,960 I mean, why not? 1371 00:53:56,040 --> 00:53:58,240 I need to know why I should not go to this club. 1372 00:53:58,320 --> 00:53:59,720 Son, because it's a fact. 1373 00:53:59,840 --> 00:54:01,400 What? 1374 00:54:01,480 --> 00:54:02,320 What do you mean? 1375 00:54:02,400 --> 00:54:03,400 What does that even mean? 1376 00:54:03,440 --> 00:54:05,000 Son, it means it's a fact. 1377 00:54:05,080 --> 00:54:06,920 You haven't given me one fact. 1378 00:54:07,000 --> 00:54:08,000 Son, it's a fact. 1379 00:54:08,080 --> 00:54:09,560 When something is a fact, it's a fact. 1380 00:54:09,640 --> 00:54:12,560 You cannot change a fact because a fact is a fact. 1381 00:54:12,640 --> 00:54:13,760 I'm like, is that a fact? 1382 00:54:18,000 --> 00:54:22,720 I love coming back to India and I'll tell you why 1383 00:54:22,800 --> 00:54:24,240 because I love coming back to India. 1384 00:54:27,000 --> 00:54:29,056 You know, what's funny is people ask me all the time whenever 1385 00:54:29,080 --> 00:54:31,640 I come to India, like, Russell, why don't you like Bollywood? 1386 00:54:31,720 --> 00:54:32,440 Why don't you like Bollywood? 1387 00:54:32,520 --> 00:54:34,016 I'll be honest with you, I'm going to tell 1388 00:54:34,040 --> 00:54:34,960 you the truth right now. 1389 00:54:35,040 --> 00:54:36,800 Here's the reason I... Here's the real reason 1390 00:54:36,880 --> 00:54:40,640 I don't enjoy Bollywood films, because I love car chases. 1391 00:54:43,280 --> 00:54:45,880 And you can never have a fucking car chase in Mumbai. 1392 00:54:45,960 --> 00:54:47,240 [LAUGHTER] 1393 00:54:47,320 --> 00:54:49,520 It's not even a plausible idea. 1394 00:54:49,600 --> 00:54:50,600 Quick, get him. 1395 00:54:53,400 --> 00:54:57,280 [HORN HONKING] 1396 00:54:57,360 --> 00:54:58,280 Uncle. 1397 00:54:58,360 --> 00:54:59,280 [KNOCKING] 1398 00:54:59,360 --> 00:55:02,720 [LAUGHTER] 1399 00:55:10,320 --> 00:55:12,480 Beat it, we're trying to have car chase. 1400 00:55:12,560 --> 00:55:13,560 Uncle. 1401 00:55:20,160 --> 00:55:22,920 Car chase went up to at least two kilometers an hour. 1402 00:55:23,000 --> 00:55:26,320 [LAUGHTER] 1403 00:55:31,680 --> 00:55:34,880 Here's the thing now and we live in a really interesting time. 1404 00:55:34,960 --> 00:55:36,680 Where Indians used to just always leave 1405 00:55:36,760 --> 00:55:38,560 India to go on vacation, I'm finding 1406 00:55:38,640 --> 00:55:41,480 more and more Indians are celebrating their country more. 1407 00:55:41,560 --> 00:55:43,480 They're going to different places in India 1408 00:55:43,560 --> 00:55:45,880 and having, like, these really nice trips and vacations. 1409 00:55:45,960 --> 00:55:47,360 And that, to me, is very important. 1410 00:55:47,440 --> 00:55:50,280 Because the Indians that left, when we come here, 1411 00:55:50,360 --> 00:55:51,600 we only go to where we're from. 1412 00:55:51,640 --> 00:55:53,720 We don't see anything else ever. 1413 00:55:53,800 --> 00:55:55,520 When I was a kid and I would come to India, 1414 00:55:55,600 --> 00:55:56,600 just Bombay, Calcutta. 1415 00:55:56,680 --> 00:55:59,320 That's all I would see, Bombay, Calcutta, Bombay, Calcutta. 1416 00:55:59,400 --> 00:56:00,320 It got to the point where I didn't 1417 00:56:00,400 --> 00:56:02,376 know if there was any more to India than just Bombay 1418 00:56:02,400 --> 00:56:03,080 and Calcutta. 1419 00:56:03,160 --> 00:56:06,080 And I remember being here in Bombay, I was 9 years old. 1420 00:56:06,160 --> 00:56:09,400 And I said to my dad, I go, dad, is there any more to India 1421 00:56:09,480 --> 00:56:10,880 than just Bombay and Calcutta? 1422 00:56:10,960 --> 00:56:13,560 And my dad said, no. 1423 00:56:13,640 --> 00:56:14,440 Are you sure? 1424 00:56:14,520 --> 00:56:15,640 Positive. 1425 00:56:15,720 --> 00:56:17,840 But there seems like there's a whole bunch of country 1426 00:56:17,920 --> 00:56:18,920 out there. 1427 00:56:18,960 --> 00:56:20,120 I'm sure there's more people. 1428 00:56:20,160 --> 00:56:22,120 There are more people and they look just like you. 1429 00:56:22,200 --> 00:56:23,320 What do you want to see? 1430 00:56:23,400 --> 00:56:25,040 I was like, dad, can I see the Taj Mahal? 1431 00:56:25,120 --> 00:56:26,120 Not from here. 1432 00:56:29,680 --> 00:56:30,920 Physically impossible. 1433 00:56:34,560 --> 00:56:35,440 It's a different place. 1434 00:56:35,520 --> 00:56:36,696 You know, it's one of those... 1435 00:56:36,720 --> 00:56:38,880 It's a beautiful place, but I always try and explain it 1436 00:56:38,960 --> 00:56:41,600 to people in North America that India is the kind of country 1437 00:56:41,680 --> 00:56:44,720 where you could cut it in half and have a north and the south 1438 00:56:44,800 --> 00:56:46,400 and probably create two countries... 1439 00:56:46,480 --> 00:56:47,360 Not that I want you to. 1440 00:56:47,440 --> 00:56:49,880 But I'm saying, because they're two completely 1441 00:56:49,960 --> 00:56:51,040 different fucking worlds. 1442 00:56:51,120 --> 00:56:53,440 You take a guy from the north of India 1443 00:56:53,520 --> 00:56:55,840 and a guy from the south of India and throw them in a room 1444 00:56:55,920 --> 00:56:58,080 together, they have nothing in common. 1445 00:56:58,160 --> 00:56:59,560 They can't speak the same language, 1446 00:56:59,640 --> 00:57:01,840 they don't look the same, they don't eat the same food. 1447 00:57:01,920 --> 00:57:04,120 The only one common denominator throughout all of India 1448 00:57:04,200 --> 00:57:05,520 is this. 1449 00:57:05,600 --> 00:57:06,856 That's the only one thing we can agree on. 1450 00:57:06,880 --> 00:57:08,536 You throw them in a room, where are you from? 1451 00:57:08,560 --> 00:57:10,200 I'm from India. I'm from India, what part? 1452 00:57:10,280 --> 00:57:11,280 No, not that part, no. 1453 00:57:13,760 --> 00:57:16,240 Growing up I was ripped off from the Indian culture, 1454 00:57:16,360 --> 00:57:18,080 my parents didn't exposed me to it. 1455 00:57:18,160 --> 00:57:19,480 It was unfair. 1456 00:57:19,560 --> 00:57:21,760 Because I hung around black people my whole life. 1457 00:57:21,840 --> 00:57:24,160 From the time I was about four years old all I hung around 1458 00:57:24,240 --> 00:57:25,400 was black dudes. 1459 00:57:25,480 --> 00:57:28,600 And it wasn't until I was about 18 that I realized, holy shit, 1460 00:57:28,680 --> 00:57:30,136 I don't know anything about Indian people. 1461 00:57:30,160 --> 00:57:32,480 Because my name's Russell, my parents are Eric and Maureen, 1462 00:57:32,520 --> 00:57:34,400 my brothers Clayton, my grandparents are James, 1463 00:57:34,480 --> 00:57:35,880 Christopher, Sheila, Eileen. 1464 00:57:35,960 --> 00:57:36,960 It's not going to happen. 1465 00:57:37,040 --> 00:57:38,880 It wasn't till I was about 18 that I 1466 00:57:38,960 --> 00:57:40,280 started to meet Indian people. 1467 00:57:40,400 --> 00:57:42,080 And I was so excited to meet Indian people, 1468 00:57:42,160 --> 00:57:43,520 but I'd never heard Indian names. 1469 00:57:43,600 --> 00:57:45,560 I saw an Indian guy, and I go, yo, are you Indian? 1470 00:57:45,640 --> 00:57:46,640 He goes, yeah. Me too. 1471 00:57:46,720 --> 00:57:48,240 I go, I'm Russell. He goes, I'm Pancag. 1472 00:57:48,280 --> 00:57:49,760 I go, whoa, what the fuck was that? 1473 00:57:52,560 --> 00:57:53,656 I go, why do your parents not like you? 1474 00:57:53,680 --> 00:57:55,216 And then he's like... and this is when I realized how much I 1475 00:57:55,240 --> 00:57:56,960 didn't know about Indian culture... he goes, 1476 00:57:57,040 --> 00:57:58,400 hey, you know that one Indian song? 1477 00:57:58,440 --> 00:58:00,840 I go, no, I don't know what the fuck you're talking about. 1478 00:58:00,920 --> 00:58:02,920 Because my dad was very much against Indian music. 1479 00:58:03,000 --> 00:58:05,440 He didn't like the Indian movies or the Indian music at all. 1480 00:58:05,520 --> 00:58:07,680 It was just his... he just didn't like the sound of it. 1481 00:58:07,760 --> 00:58:10,840 And I get it, you know. 1482 00:58:10,920 --> 00:58:12,976 Like, my mom would sneak the Indian channel on every now 1483 00:58:13,000 --> 00:58:14,256 and then and there'd be, like, an Indian song 1484 00:58:14,280 --> 00:58:15,360 playing in the back ground. 1485 00:58:15,440 --> 00:58:17,000 My dad would just yell from the kitchen, 1486 00:58:17,080 --> 00:58:18,360 Maureen, shut that shit off. 1487 00:58:18,480 --> 00:58:19,760 Sounds like cats in heat. 1488 00:58:21,840 --> 00:58:24,200 And then I remember hearing Indian music for the first time 1489 00:58:24,280 --> 00:58:26,440 and I go, holy fuck, it does sound like cats in heat. 1490 00:58:26,520 --> 00:58:30,200 [SCREECHING] 1491 00:58:30,280 --> 00:58:32,680 And that's why there's so many of us 1492 00:58:32,760 --> 00:58:34,640 because we listen to horny cat music. 1493 00:58:38,160 --> 00:58:39,680 But when I say I didn't know anything 1494 00:58:39,760 --> 00:58:41,320 about the Indian culture, I mean fucking 1495 00:58:41,400 --> 00:58:42,760 basic things I was lacking. 1496 00:58:42,840 --> 00:58:44,800 And I was so mad at my parents for ripping me off 1497 00:58:44,880 --> 00:58:46,480 from that part of my culture that I 1498 00:58:46,560 --> 00:58:48,360 went out of my way to try and learn everything 1499 00:58:48,480 --> 00:58:50,296 about Indian culture. But there's too much to know. 1500 00:58:50,320 --> 00:58:52,680 There's no way you can know everything about Indian people. 1501 00:58:52,760 --> 00:58:55,080 That's probably why we believe in reincarnation so you can 1502 00:58:55,160 --> 00:58:56,360 come back and finish the book. 1503 00:58:59,560 --> 00:59:02,280 But basic things, like, basic, basic things I didn't know. 1504 00:59:02,360 --> 00:59:06,200 Like, we came to India about 12, 13 years ago for shows, 1505 00:59:06,280 --> 00:59:07,480 here's how much I didn't know. 1506 00:59:07,560 --> 00:59:09,720 We got off the plane and the lady... all I can remember 1507 00:59:09,800 --> 00:59:13,280 is my dad teaching me was, son, always be respectful, OK? 1508 00:59:13,360 --> 00:59:14,640 Always be respectful. 1509 00:59:14,720 --> 00:59:17,040 I go, all right, be respectful. 1510 00:59:17,120 --> 00:59:18,360 We got off the plane in Bombay. 1511 00:59:18,400 --> 00:59:19,160 The lady greets us. 1512 00:59:19,240 --> 00:59:21,040 She goes, namaste, sir. 1513 00:59:21,120 --> 00:59:23,440 I go, thank you. 1514 00:59:23,560 --> 00:59:25,120 My brother goes, what the fuck was that? 1515 00:59:25,200 --> 00:59:26,840 I go, I'm being respectful. 1516 00:59:26,920 --> 00:59:28,400 He goes, no, you fucking idiot, you're 1517 00:59:28,520 --> 00:59:29,960 supposed to namaste with her. 1518 00:59:30,040 --> 00:59:32,760 I go, I don't know her like that. 1519 00:59:32,840 --> 00:59:35,040 I can't just start namasting bitches all over the place 1520 00:59:35,120 --> 00:59:35,840 and catch a me too. 1521 00:59:35,920 --> 00:59:38,240 I'm not playing this game. He goes, no, you fucking idiot. 1522 00:59:38,320 --> 00:59:39,520 You gotta bow and say namaste. 1523 00:59:39,600 --> 00:59:40,600 I go, oh, right. 1524 00:59:40,640 --> 00:59:41,320 Namaste, right. 1525 00:59:41,400 --> 00:59:43,400 So then we get to the hotel and the guy greets us. 1526 00:59:43,520 --> 00:59:44,720 He goes, namaste, uncle. 1527 00:59:44,800 --> 00:59:46,880 And I go, uncle, who the fuck is this guy? 1528 00:59:46,960 --> 00:59:48,360 We got cousins working at the hotel? 1529 00:59:48,440 --> 00:59:49,840 Let's get an upgrade. 1530 00:59:49,920 --> 00:59:51,680 And then after a while, I got the hang of it 1531 00:59:51,760 --> 00:59:53,560 and I became, like, the namaste king. 1532 00:59:53,640 --> 00:59:56,000 You couldn't out namaste me for nothing. 1533 00:59:56,080 --> 00:59:57,816 I was like... I was namasting the shit out of people. 1534 00:59:57,840 --> 00:59:59,360 I was like, namaste, namaste, namaste. 1535 00:59:59,440 --> 01:00:00,600 I was turning spins on it. 1536 01:00:00,680 --> 01:00:02,280 Namaste, motherfuckers. 1537 01:00:02,360 --> 01:00:04,800 I was like a black girl at church breaking it down. 1538 01:00:04,880 --> 01:00:06,120 Na-mas-te. 1539 01:00:06,200 --> 01:00:08,760 [LAUGHTER] 1540 01:00:08,840 --> 01:00:11,240 There was a lady in my hotel lobby, she was about to sneeze. 1541 01:00:11,320 --> 01:00:12,560 She went... and I went namaste. 1542 01:00:12,600 --> 01:00:14,400 She she went, you fucked up my sneeze. 1543 01:00:17,480 --> 01:00:19,680 But I was on fire with my namastes everywhere. 1544 01:00:19,760 --> 01:00:22,440 And we were on tour and then my fake northern half of India 1545 01:00:22,560 --> 01:00:24,800 is namaste, namaste, namaste, namaste. 1546 01:00:24,880 --> 01:00:27,400 And then we went to Chennai Madras. 1547 01:00:27,480 --> 01:00:29,320 And I'd never been to the South before. 1548 01:00:29,400 --> 01:00:30,120 And we get off the plane. 1549 01:00:30,200 --> 01:00:32,576 And as we get off the plane, the girl puts her hands together. 1550 01:00:32,600 --> 01:00:33,960 And I cut her off and I go namaste. 1551 01:00:34,040 --> 01:00:35,240 And she goes, vanakkam. 1552 01:00:35,320 --> 01:00:39,440 [LAUGHTER] 1553 01:00:39,520 --> 01:00:40,360 What? What? 1554 01:00:40,440 --> 01:00:41,160 What? 1555 01:00:41,240 --> 01:00:42,120 What's that? 1556 01:00:42,200 --> 01:00:43,840 She goes, vanakkam. 1557 01:00:43,920 --> 01:00:45,440 I said, did you just say vanna come? 1558 01:00:45,520 --> 01:00:48,920 [LAUGHTER] 1559 01:00:51,520 --> 01:00:54,120 I was like, I like the south. 1560 01:00:54,200 --> 01:00:55,200 Of course I want to come. 1561 01:00:55,240 --> 01:00:56,400 Doesn't anybody want to come? 1562 01:00:56,440 --> 01:00:59,080 Should you want to come at least once a day? 1563 01:00:59,160 --> 01:01:00,440 It's different down there, man. 1564 01:01:00,520 --> 01:01:01,680 It's very different. 1565 01:01:01,760 --> 01:01:03,360 I try to explain to people the difference 1566 01:01:03,440 --> 01:01:04,360 between North and South. 1567 01:01:04,440 --> 01:01:07,120 North, taller, lighter skin, bigger features, more 1568 01:01:07,200 --> 01:01:09,840 body hair, not that bright. 1569 01:01:09,920 --> 01:01:11,280 [LAUGHTER] 1570 01:01:11,360 --> 01:01:14,120 It's a fact. 1571 01:01:14,200 --> 01:01:17,160 You go to the south, shorter, darker, smaller features, 1572 01:01:17,240 --> 01:01:19,280 less body hair, much smarter. 1573 01:01:19,360 --> 01:01:21,840 And if you don't believe me that you're smarter in the South, 1574 01:01:21,920 --> 01:01:23,440 I'll prove it to you. 1575 01:01:23,520 --> 01:01:25,840 All the computer shit that happens in the world, 1576 01:01:25,920 --> 01:01:27,280 happens in the south of India. 1577 01:01:27,360 --> 01:01:28,880 And I was trying to figure out why are 1578 01:01:28,960 --> 01:01:30,360 they so good with computers? 1579 01:01:30,440 --> 01:01:32,920 And I figured it out, it's the languages. 1580 01:01:33,000 --> 01:01:34,520 Because in the north they speak slower. 1581 01:01:34,640 --> 01:01:36,760 [SLOW GIBBERISH] 1582 01:01:41,560 --> 01:01:43,640 Then you go to the south and they sound like this... 1583 01:01:43,720 --> 01:01:45,040 [FAST GIBBERISH] 1584 01:01:46,520 --> 01:01:48,480 And that's why they can read computer code. 1585 01:01:48,560 --> 01:01:49,920 [LAUGHTER] 1586 01:01:50,000 --> 01:01:53,760 [FAST GIBBERISH] 1587 01:01:59,120 --> 01:02:01,080 Well, there we are in Madras and the promoter 1588 01:02:01,160 --> 01:02:03,840 meets us at the airport and he's like, hello, Russell. 1589 01:02:03,920 --> 01:02:04,960 And I go, hi, I'm Russell. 1590 01:02:05,000 --> 01:02:06,160 He goes, this is your driver. 1591 01:02:06,200 --> 01:02:07,480 And I go, hey buddy, I'm Russell. 1592 01:02:07,560 --> 01:02:09,320 And he goes, Hello Russell, I'm Naga Lingam. 1593 01:02:09,400 --> 01:02:11,560 I said, what happened? 1594 01:02:11,680 --> 01:02:13,240 He said, I am Naga Lingam. 1595 01:02:13,320 --> 01:02:15,440 I said, I don't know what you're saying. 1596 01:02:15,520 --> 01:02:16,320 That is my name, sir. 1597 01:02:16,400 --> 01:02:17,520 What is your name? 1598 01:02:17,600 --> 01:02:18,680 Naga Lingam. 1599 01:02:18,760 --> 01:02:20,320 I said, we're going to need to work 1600 01:02:20,400 --> 01:02:22,800 on this because I don't know that I'll be able to say that. 1601 01:02:22,880 --> 01:02:24,720 Please, sir, everyone just calls me Naga. 1602 01:02:24,800 --> 01:02:27,280 I said, oh, I gotta be honest with you, 1603 01:02:27,360 --> 01:02:31,600 I grew up with black people and I'm a little 1604 01:02:31,720 --> 01:02:32,880 uncomfortable with your name. 1605 01:02:32,920 --> 01:02:34,360 I got to be honest with you. 1606 01:02:34,440 --> 01:02:36,960 He goes, please, sir, everyone, please, just call me Naga. 1607 01:02:37,040 --> 01:02:38,440 I said, all right, all right. 1608 01:02:38,560 --> 01:02:40,960 So we start driving, right? 1609 01:02:41,040 --> 01:02:42,920 And I see this mall coming up in the distance. 1610 01:02:43,000 --> 01:02:44,640 And I'm like, oh, I need to get something. 1611 01:02:44,760 --> 01:02:46,480 So I'm trying to get the driver's attention. 1612 01:02:46,560 --> 01:02:49,280 I'm like, yo, [CLEARS THROAT] hello, hello, excuse 1613 01:02:49,360 --> 01:02:57,320 me, bastard, bastard G, hello, hello, hello, yo, hey yo, 1614 01:02:57,400 --> 01:02:58,400 my Naga. 1615 01:03:01,960 --> 01:03:03,440 Can we stop in that mall for a second? 1616 01:03:03,520 --> 01:03:05,440 He goes, no, no, sir. We must continue to venue. 1617 01:03:05,520 --> 01:03:06,520 I was like, Naga, please. 1618 01:03:10,200 --> 01:03:15,520 Just then this guy cuts him off and he loses his shit. 1619 01:03:15,600 --> 01:03:17,560 And I was like, yo, this Naga's crazy, right? 1620 01:03:17,640 --> 01:03:21,000 [LAUGHTER] 1621 01:03:21,080 --> 01:03:23,400 Right then my mom calls me. And she's like, where are you? 1622 01:03:23,480 --> 01:03:24,400 I said, I'm in Madras. 1623 01:03:24,480 --> 01:03:26,000 She goes, oh, that's great. 1624 01:03:26,080 --> 01:03:28,920 Did you know that your grandfather, James Peters, 1625 01:03:29,000 --> 01:03:31,240 was born and raised in Madras and then he moved to Bombay 1626 01:03:31,320 --> 01:03:32,840 and that's where your father was born. 1627 01:03:32,920 --> 01:03:34,560 I said, I did not know that. 1628 01:03:34,640 --> 01:03:37,880 But did you know I got a driver and he's got the best name 1629 01:03:37,960 --> 01:03:39,280 I've ever heard in my life. 1630 01:03:39,360 --> 01:03:40,376 She goes, what's his name? 1631 01:03:40,400 --> 01:03:41,840 I said, Naga. 1632 01:03:41,920 --> 01:03:44,280 And she goes, OK. 1633 01:03:44,360 --> 01:03:45,560 I said, mom, isn't that funny? 1634 01:03:45,640 --> 01:03:46,880 She said, no, why is it funny? 1635 01:03:46,960 --> 01:03:48,280 What do you mean, why is it funny? 1636 01:03:48,360 --> 01:03:50,360 Mom, his name is Naga. 1637 01:03:50,440 --> 01:03:52,360 You know like, Naga what? 1638 01:03:55,200 --> 01:03:57,520 Naga who? 1639 01:03:57,600 --> 01:04:04,280 And if you don't know now you know, Naga. 1640 01:04:04,360 --> 01:04:05,640 She goes, son, that's not funny. 1641 01:04:05,680 --> 01:04:07,960 Naga just means snake. 1642 01:04:08,040 --> 01:04:09,040 It does? 1643 01:04:09,120 --> 01:04:10,560 What's his last name? I said, Lingam. 1644 01:04:10,640 --> 01:04:12,080 She goes, oh my God, that's funny. 1645 01:04:12,160 --> 01:04:17,080 I go, why is that funny? 1646 01:04:17,160 --> 01:04:18,000 That means penis. 1647 01:04:18,080 --> 01:04:19,840 What? 1648 01:04:19,920 --> 01:04:23,320 Wait, this guy's name is snake penis? 1649 01:04:23,400 --> 01:04:25,520 It is a very common name in the south. 1650 01:04:25,600 --> 01:04:26,960 What? 1651 01:04:27,040 --> 01:04:30,120 There are many snake peni down here? 1652 01:04:30,200 --> 01:04:32,120 You can't just name your kid snake penis 1653 01:04:32,200 --> 01:04:34,360 and send him out in the world. 1654 01:04:34,440 --> 01:04:35,536 It's not like he's living in America 1655 01:04:35,560 --> 01:04:36,920 with a name like Naga Lingam where 1656 01:04:37,000 --> 01:04:38,080 nobody knows what it means. 1657 01:04:38,160 --> 01:04:40,880 You all know what the fuck his name means. 1658 01:04:40,960 --> 01:04:42,600 You know that this Naga Lingam had to have 1659 01:04:42,680 --> 01:04:44,160 had an arranged marriage. 1660 01:04:44,240 --> 01:04:45,880 And it was one of those hardcore arranged 1661 01:04:45,960 --> 01:04:47,400 marriages where he never met the girl 1662 01:04:47,480 --> 01:04:48,600 till the day of the wedding. 1663 01:04:48,640 --> 01:04:52,200 Even he got to the wedding, he was like, which one is she? 1664 01:04:52,280 --> 01:04:53,040 OK, got it. 1665 01:04:53,120 --> 01:04:55,120 Good, yes. 1666 01:04:55,200 --> 01:04:57,600 They have the wedding, they have the reception, 1667 01:04:57,680 --> 01:04:59,360 everybody has a wonderful time. 1668 01:04:59,440 --> 01:05:01,640 Naga Lingam and his new wife go back to the hotel 1669 01:05:01,720 --> 01:05:03,320 room for the first time. 1670 01:05:03,400 --> 01:05:09,320 Their alone, it's uncomfortable, he walks in the bedroom. 1671 01:05:09,400 --> 01:05:13,400 So I guess you heard. 1672 01:05:16,640 --> 01:05:19,440 Would you like to see it? 1673 01:05:19,520 --> 01:05:22,160 And she goes, OK. 1674 01:05:22,240 --> 01:05:23,640 He pulls out a flute. 1675 01:05:23,720 --> 01:05:26,480 [FLUTE MUSIC] 1676 01:05:26,560 --> 01:05:27,600 Thank you so much, Bombay. 1677 01:05:27,640 --> 01:05:28,760 I love you guys. 1678 01:05:28,880 --> 01:05:29,560 Thank you. 1679 01:05:29,640 --> 01:05:33,520 [APPLAUSE] 1680 01:05:33,600 --> 01:05:38,240 [MUSIC PLAYING]