1 00:00:06,160 --> 00:00:09,760 ["White Room" by Cream playing] 2 00:00:18,240 --> 00:00:20,080 ♪ In the white room ♪ 3 00:00:20,320 --> 00:00:23,120 ♪ With black curtains ♪ 4 00:00:23,320 --> 00:00:25,080 ♪ Near the station ♪ 5 00:00:26,960 --> 00:00:28,320 ♪ Black roof country ♪ 6 00:00:29,000 --> 00:00:30,640 ♪ No gold pavements ♪ 7 00:00:31,240 --> 00:00:34,360 ♪ Tired starlings ♪ 8 00:00:35,680 --> 00:00:39,880 ♪ Silver horses ran down moonbeams ♪ 9 00:00:40,040 --> 00:00:42,520 ♪ In your dark eyes ♪ 10 00:00:47,000 --> 00:00:50,080 [Jeremy] Welcome back to Clarkson's Farm. 11 00:00:52,120 --> 00:00:54,960 It's the middle of August in 2022. 12 00:00:55,160 --> 00:00:57,320 [Lisa] You're welcome. Thanks. Where have you come from? 13 00:00:57,480 --> 00:01:00,160 [Jeremy] And everything seems to be familiar... 14 00:01:00,320 --> 00:01:01,800 [Charlie] It's dry. 15 00:01:03,520 --> 00:01:05,240 [Jeremy] And bucolic... 16 00:01:07,000 --> 00:01:08,360 and wonderful. 17 00:01:08,560 --> 00:01:10,440 [cows mooing] 18 00:01:13,000 --> 00:01:14,440 [Jeremy] But I'm afraid that 19 00:01:14,640 --> 00:01:18,040 behind the scenes, it isn't wonderful at all, because... 20 00:01:19,280 --> 00:01:23,800 everything that could go wrong has gone wrong. 21 00:01:24,000 --> 00:01:26,320 [theme music playing] 22 00:01:38,240 --> 00:01:40,480 [upbeat music] 23 00:01:41,760 --> 00:01:43,920 [Jeremy] Let's start with the weather. 24 00:01:44,080 --> 00:01:47,040 After the driest summer for 87 years, 25 00:01:47,200 --> 00:01:50,240 the ground is parched and as hard as concrete. 26 00:01:52,360 --> 00:01:55,840 And as a result, the crops are taking a battering. 27 00:01:57,200 --> 00:01:59,680 [Charlie] So trying to grow potatoes where there's no moisture... 28 00:02:00,800 --> 00:02:03,240 Look, the skin's set. So it's not gonna grow anymore. 29 00:02:03,400 --> 00:02:04,200 [Jeremy] What do you mean? 30 00:02:04,400 --> 00:02:07,880 You know, new potatoes, if you did that you'd rub the skin off. 31 00:02:08,040 --> 00:02:09,880 -Like a Jersey Royal? -Like a Jersey Royal. 32 00:02:10,040 --> 00:02:13,000 But these have now set their skin to stop them losing moisture. 33 00:02:13,160 --> 00:02:16,320 -So that's as big as it's gonna get? -Yeah. 34 00:02:17,080 --> 00:02:18,360 Shit. 35 00:02:19,080 --> 00:02:22,600 [Jeremy] Kaleb had a go at harvesting these potato pebbles, 36 00:02:23,120 --> 00:02:25,000 but it was hopeless. 37 00:02:25,280 --> 00:02:26,960 [Kaleb] No, I'm just dropping them all, look. 38 00:02:27,160 --> 00:02:30,880 The potatoes are that small, they're falling between the rollers. 39 00:02:31,400 --> 00:02:33,880 It's just dropping them on the top. 40 00:02:35,440 --> 00:02:39,800 [Jeremy] In the next field along, the sunflowers were suffering too. 41 00:02:40,360 --> 00:02:41,560 [Charlie] Look. It's coming to the end of August. 42 00:02:42,880 --> 00:02:47,120 These flowers have gotta mature, ripen, in time for us to harvest them. 43 00:02:47,280 --> 00:02:49,200 -Well, is this seed ready? -No. 44 00:02:49,880 --> 00:02:51,440 -That's useless. -We won't be able to harvest these? 45 00:02:51,600 --> 00:02:52,920 It's pointless. No. 46 00:02:53,080 --> 00:02:55,120 [Jeremy] For fuck's sake. 47 00:02:55,560 --> 00:02:57,440 [music continues] 48 00:02:58,600 --> 00:03:00,480 [Jeremy] Next, there was the echium, 49 00:03:00,640 --> 00:03:03,120 a sort of plant-based fish oil 50 00:03:03,320 --> 00:03:07,360 which I'd been told would net me a fortune if it grew well. 51 00:03:11,040 --> 00:03:12,360 Is that it? 52 00:03:14,120 --> 00:03:15,840 [Kaleb] Not a lot, is there? 53 00:03:17,480 --> 00:03:19,400 That's just the... That's... 54 00:03:19,880 --> 00:03:22,880 One field of spelt wheat produced that much. 55 00:03:23,360 --> 00:03:27,400 One field of echium has produced... that. 56 00:03:28,480 --> 00:03:29,840 Bloody hell. 57 00:03:32,120 --> 00:03:34,120 [Jeremy] The dryness of the soil also meant 58 00:03:34,280 --> 00:03:38,000 that planting next year's oilseed rape was a non-starter. 59 00:03:39,280 --> 00:03:41,480 [Charlie] Look. Oh God, that's... 60 00:03:42,040 --> 00:03:43,960 [Jeremy] I went down a foot the other day. There's nothing. 61 00:03:44,120 --> 00:03:47,320 So if we try and drill rape into that, it's not gonna grow. 62 00:03:50,320 --> 00:03:53,120 [Jeremy] On top of all this, there was the pretty little restaurant, 63 00:03:53,280 --> 00:03:55,040 which we'd opened earlier in the summer 64 00:03:55,480 --> 00:03:59,840 to sell the food we'd grown and reared on the farm. 65 00:04:00,520 --> 00:04:02,200 -[Gerald] Cheers, guys. -Cheers. 66 00:04:02,400 --> 00:04:04,720 [Jeremy] But after just six weeks... 67 00:04:04,920 --> 00:04:06,400 [ominous music] 68 00:04:07,920 --> 00:04:10,680 The council served us with an enforcement notice, 69 00:04:10,840 --> 00:04:13,720 telling us it had to close. 70 00:04:14,480 --> 00:04:16,520 [Jeremy] Welcome, everybody. How are you? 71 00:04:16,680 --> 00:04:19,000 [Charlie] I'm particularly proud of the durum wheat, 72 00:04:19,200 --> 00:04:20,360 'cause it normally grows in Italy. 73 00:04:20,560 --> 00:04:22,440 -[man] Everyone looks very full. -[woman] More brisket? 74 00:04:22,600 --> 00:04:23,520 [Jeremy] Thank you for coming. 75 00:04:30,560 --> 00:04:31,720 [Jeremy] Enforcement notice. 76 00:04:31,880 --> 00:04:34,880 "What you are required to do within six weeks of the date 77 00:04:35,080 --> 00:04:36,440 on which this notice comes into effect." 78 00:04:36,640 --> 00:04:39,200 "Cease use of any part of the land for sale or provision 79 00:04:39,360 --> 00:04:41,120 of food or drinks to members of the public 80 00:04:41,240 --> 00:04:42,760 or for consumption on the land. 81 00:04:42,920 --> 00:04:45,880 Cease use of any part of the land as a restaurant or a café." 82 00:04:46,040 --> 00:04:47,800 Even though we're allowed to. 83 00:04:48,680 --> 00:04:50,800 "Cease use of any part of the land for parking." 84 00:04:50,920 --> 00:04:52,040 [Alan] What? 85 00:04:52,600 --> 00:04:54,920 "Reinstate the land round the restaurant to a condition 86 00:04:55,120 --> 00:04:58,920 similar to that of the agricultural land immediately surrounding it, 87 00:04:59,120 --> 00:05:01,800 removing all hardcore and other surfacing materials, 88 00:05:02,000 --> 00:05:04,120 including gravel and stone chippings." 89 00:05:04,240 --> 00:05:07,080 Why you can't have gravel on a farm, I don't know. But anyway. 90 00:05:07,240 --> 00:05:10,320 "Removing all other landscaping materials, including wooden sleepers, 91 00:05:10,480 --> 00:05:13,360 -wooden plank edging and wood chippings." -[scoffs] 92 00:05:13,520 --> 00:05:15,120 -The wood chip's just gonna rot. -I know... 93 00:05:15,240 --> 00:05:17,040 They've gone completely mad. 94 00:05:17,200 --> 00:05:20,360 "Removing all plants and planting containers." 95 00:05:20,800 --> 00:05:23,160 -You can't have plant pots on a farm? -[Alan] Ridiculous. 96 00:05:23,360 --> 00:05:26,320 We're going round and round in circles, wasting a lot of fucking good money... 97 00:05:26,520 --> 00:05:29,440 -Your money. Permanently. -Yes, and the tax payers'. 98 00:05:29,600 --> 00:05:30,720 Well, everybody's money is just being-- 99 00:05:30,880 --> 00:05:32,480 Pissing it up against the wall. 100 00:05:32,680 --> 00:05:35,600 It's a joke. All the effort we put in and we're back on square one. 101 00:05:39,120 --> 00:05:41,080 [dramatic music] 102 00:05:41,840 --> 00:05:43,320 [Jeremy] With the restaurant shut down, 103 00:05:43,480 --> 00:05:46,360 we could no longer afford to keep all the cows. 104 00:05:47,600 --> 00:05:50,360 We could hang onto the calves to fatten them up 105 00:05:50,560 --> 00:05:54,040 but their mums... would have to go. 106 00:05:56,840 --> 00:05:58,600 [cows mooing] 107 00:05:59,560 --> 00:06:02,160 We bought 19. They had 8, so that's 27. 108 00:06:02,320 --> 00:06:03,680 Killed 2, 25. 109 00:06:03,880 --> 00:06:05,400 -Correct. -We're keeping... 110 00:06:05,560 --> 00:06:06,800 Twelve. 111 00:06:06,960 --> 00:06:09,120 So 13 are going... 112 00:06:09,880 --> 00:06:12,280 Thirteen passports I have here. 113 00:06:16,120 --> 00:06:17,440 [Kaleb] Dropping off. 114 00:06:17,880 --> 00:06:20,120 [Jeremy] I'm finding today really quite sad. 115 00:06:20,320 --> 00:06:23,040 It's 'cause for the last year, I've been opening the windows, 116 00:06:23,200 --> 00:06:26,400 opening the curtains in the morning, and there are the cows. And I love that. 117 00:06:27,520 --> 00:06:29,560 Making cow noises. 118 00:06:30,160 --> 00:06:33,600 It just cheers my heart every morning to see them. 119 00:06:34,560 --> 00:06:36,880 Are the calves going to be a bit upset tonight? 120 00:06:37,080 --> 00:06:38,800 -[Kaleb] You're not gonna sleep tonight. -[Charlie] No. 121 00:06:38,960 --> 00:06:39,960 -[Jeremy] They won't? -[Charlie] No. 122 00:06:40,120 --> 00:06:43,680 No, you won't sleep. They'll be calling all night long. 123 00:06:43,880 --> 00:06:45,600 [cows mooing] 124 00:06:46,640 --> 00:06:48,640 -Can I ask? Peppa's going, obviously. -Yeah. 125 00:06:48,800 --> 00:06:50,840 What do you think will become of her? 126 00:06:52,920 --> 00:06:54,720 [Charlie] I wouldn't ask too many questions about Pepper. 127 00:06:55,880 --> 00:06:58,880 Don't ask questions you don't want to know the answer to. 128 00:07:03,720 --> 00:07:05,560 [cows mooing] 129 00:07:12,400 --> 00:07:14,560 [sighing] Oh, Christ. 130 00:07:17,200 --> 00:07:19,000 [Jeremy] All we had left of the departed 131 00:07:19,160 --> 00:07:22,720 was some touching phone-camera memories. 132 00:07:22,880 --> 00:07:24,120 [Lisa] Oh, look! 133 00:07:24,960 --> 00:07:27,280 No! No! No! No! 134 00:07:27,760 --> 00:07:30,120 Out of there. No, you too. Out. 135 00:07:30,280 --> 00:07:32,480 Out! No, not my flowers! 136 00:07:32,840 --> 00:07:33,960 Get out! 137 00:07:34,120 --> 00:07:36,600 Go on, shoo. Shoo. 138 00:07:37,200 --> 00:07:39,320 You too, shoo. Shoo. 139 00:07:40,160 --> 00:07:41,280 [cow mooing] 140 00:07:41,440 --> 00:07:43,160 Jeremy? 141 00:07:44,160 --> 00:07:45,360 [Lisa sighing] 142 00:07:55,120 --> 00:07:57,360 -Cup of tea? -Yeah. 143 00:07:57,520 --> 00:07:59,040 [sniffing] Okay. 144 00:08:02,720 --> 00:08:03,760 [Lisa sighing] 145 00:08:03,920 --> 00:08:05,280 [Lisa] It's not like we're not keeping a few. 146 00:08:05,440 --> 00:08:08,640 -[Jeremy] No, we've got quite a few. -[Lisa] Yeah. 147 00:08:08,800 --> 00:08:11,760 [Jeremy] It could be all the ones we gave birth to. 148 00:08:12,680 --> 00:08:15,000 [soft music] 149 00:08:18,760 --> 00:08:20,680 [Jeremy] With more than half the herd gone, 150 00:08:20,840 --> 00:08:25,920 my eco-friendly plan to get the cows and hens working in tandem 151 00:08:26,080 --> 00:08:30,240 to fertilise the soil was in tatters. 152 00:08:31,560 --> 00:08:32,880 Soil, look, Charlie. 153 00:08:33,040 --> 00:08:34,720 -[Jeremy] All good for the soil. -[Charlie] New soil. 154 00:08:34,920 --> 00:08:37,400 Yeah, but thanks to West Oxfordshire District Council, 155 00:08:37,520 --> 00:08:39,240 we have to use chemicals from now on. 156 00:08:39,400 --> 00:08:41,320 -We've got nitrogen. -I know. 157 00:08:44,400 --> 00:08:46,640 [Jeremy] And, as Cheerful Charlie then explained, 158 00:08:46,760 --> 00:08:51,600 this was not the year to be buying chemical fertiliser. 159 00:08:53,760 --> 00:08:57,200 [Charlie] We've gotta be realistic about the projections for harvest '23. 160 00:08:57,880 --> 00:08:59,280 -This is the wheat price. -[Jeremy] Yeah. 161 00:08:59,440 --> 00:09:00,720 [Charlie] And if you look at the blue line, 162 00:09:00,880 --> 00:09:03,960 where it peaked at over 350 pounds a ton... 163 00:09:04,720 --> 00:09:06,720 -[Jeremy] Is it falling? -It's falling. 164 00:09:06,880 --> 00:09:09,160 -[Jeremy] How's that happening? -The war's still going on. 165 00:09:09,720 --> 00:09:11,760 -It's now down to 200... -It's now just under 250. 166 00:09:12,000 --> 00:09:14,880 So it's dropped a hundred pounds a ton. 167 00:09:15,080 --> 00:09:18,120 You know we've got fertiliser prices that have gone up? 168 00:09:18,320 --> 00:09:20,720 How much did we pay for the fertiliser? 169 00:09:20,880 --> 00:09:22,400 Just over 800 pounds a ton. 170 00:09:22,840 --> 00:09:24,400 Three times more than normal. 171 00:09:24,600 --> 00:09:27,520 Three times. So that's gone up by three times. 172 00:09:27,640 --> 00:09:29,880 And wheat price has come... Oh fuck. 173 00:09:30,080 --> 00:09:33,480 So last year, we had low growing costs. 174 00:09:33,640 --> 00:09:36,240 This year, if we buy the same amount of fertiliser, 175 00:09:36,400 --> 00:09:40,320 it'll be 100,000 pounds you need to spend on fertiliser alone. 176 00:09:40,520 --> 00:09:42,400 -[Jeremy] It's terrible. -Its... 177 00:09:42,520 --> 00:09:45,640 It could be bad if the yields are poor. 178 00:09:46,480 --> 00:09:49,200 And also take gas price, fuel price. 179 00:09:49,520 --> 00:09:52,760 Energy in terms of drying the grain. Every way you turn... 180 00:09:54,000 --> 00:09:56,640 Farming's exposed to energy price. 181 00:09:57,120 --> 00:09:58,520 Yeah. 182 00:10:02,040 --> 00:10:05,520 [Jeremy] Not knowing what to do about Charlie's grim forecast, 183 00:10:05,720 --> 00:10:09,480 I went off to see Viktor, our Ukrainian bee man... 184 00:10:10,640 --> 00:10:11,640 [Jeremy] All right, Viktor? 185 00:10:11,760 --> 00:10:12,760 [Viktor] Hello, Jeremy. 186 00:10:13,000 --> 00:10:14,640 [Jeremy] ...who was loading up the hives 187 00:10:14,760 --> 00:10:18,320 so we could extract the latest batch of honey. 188 00:10:20,080 --> 00:10:21,720 [Jeremy] A lot of dead bees in here. 189 00:10:21,880 --> 00:10:24,640 [Viktor] Ah, well, unfortunate, isn't it? 190 00:10:24,840 --> 00:10:28,240 -It's like battle of Donbas. -[both chuckle] 191 00:10:28,880 --> 00:10:30,600 [Jeremy] How many pounds of honey in there? 192 00:10:30,760 --> 00:10:33,880 [Viktor] I would say roughly box ten kilos. 193 00:10:34,040 --> 00:10:36,640 -Ten kilos? -[Viktor] A box. About a 100 pounds. 194 00:10:39,640 --> 00:10:42,960 -That is... Oh! That is all honey! -Yeah. 195 00:10:43,160 --> 00:10:45,640 You can see the bulging on either side if you... 196 00:10:45,760 --> 00:10:49,600 -[Viktor] Yeah. -That is just rammed full of honey. 197 00:10:49,760 --> 00:10:51,880 -[Jeremy] We've got a lot of honey! -Yeah. 198 00:10:52,080 --> 00:10:54,640 It's the only thing on the farm that's working. 199 00:10:54,760 --> 00:10:55,600 [Viktor laughs] 200 00:10:55,760 --> 00:10:59,600 Literally the only thing that makes money. 201 00:11:00,520 --> 00:11:03,360 [Jeremy] After my Viktor chat, I had a thought. 202 00:11:03,800 --> 00:11:07,120 Diddly Squat is mainly an arable farm, 203 00:11:07,280 --> 00:11:12,200 but there must be other ways of making money beside the crops. 204 00:11:13,200 --> 00:11:15,440 So, I put my thinking cap on 205 00:11:15,640 --> 00:11:18,680 and went for a walk, with the ever-obedient dogs. 206 00:11:19,360 --> 00:11:20,480 Heel. 207 00:11:20,640 --> 00:11:21,720 Oi! 208 00:11:22,760 --> 00:11:24,840 Sansa! Arya! Heel... 209 00:11:25,400 --> 00:11:27,560 Arya! Heel. 210 00:11:28,400 --> 00:11:31,520 -[dog barking] -Oh, shit. 211 00:11:31,680 --> 00:11:33,760 -Sansa! Arya! -[dog barking] 212 00:11:34,520 --> 00:11:37,840 Sansa! Arya! Arya! Sansa! 213 00:11:39,480 --> 00:11:40,840 [sighs] 214 00:11:41,600 --> 00:11:43,680 There may be a small wait now while they get back, 215 00:11:43,840 --> 00:11:47,960 having determined they can't catch the deer. 216 00:11:48,560 --> 00:11:51,640 Bambi, in case you're worried, is completely safe. 217 00:11:53,560 --> 00:11:55,760 This is what I call the Hedge of Plenty. 218 00:11:56,400 --> 00:11:59,160 It's got so much stuff growing in it. 219 00:11:59,320 --> 00:12:01,440 It runs for half a mile or so. 220 00:12:01,600 --> 00:12:04,440 It's about 30 feet thick, as you can see here. 221 00:12:05,080 --> 00:12:06,800 Full of berries. 222 00:12:07,720 --> 00:12:09,080 Blackberries. 223 00:12:09,560 --> 00:12:12,320 These are sloe berries. Sloes. 224 00:12:12,760 --> 00:12:14,080 Elderflower. 225 00:12:16,680 --> 00:12:18,680 So that's elderflower, sloe, 226 00:12:19,800 --> 00:12:24,080 rose hips, blackberries, apples, damsons, plums. 227 00:12:27,040 --> 00:12:30,920 [Jeremy] After a little sit-down with my special thinking juice, 228 00:12:31,080 --> 00:12:32,880 I started to form a plan. 229 00:12:34,920 --> 00:12:38,480 I've just been thinking. This farm is a 1,000 acres, 230 00:12:38,840 --> 00:12:40,720 but I only farm... 231 00:12:41,680 --> 00:12:43,160 about 500 acres. 232 00:12:43,320 --> 00:12:45,200 The other 500 are... 233 00:12:45,680 --> 00:12:49,320 woods and wildflower meadows and just stuff. 234 00:12:50,640 --> 00:12:54,600 But the 500 acres I don't farm are full of berries and... 235 00:12:55,400 --> 00:12:59,720 and apples and watercress and wild garlic and deer. 236 00:13:02,680 --> 00:13:04,880 So I wonder if you could farm... 237 00:13:06,120 --> 00:13:08,920 the unfarmed? I wonder if I could make money... 238 00:13:10,280 --> 00:13:13,640 out of the bit of the farm I'm not farming? 239 00:13:16,880 --> 00:13:18,280 Council couldn't stop that, could they? 240 00:13:18,440 --> 00:13:21,360 I mean, they could try but they wouldn't be able to. 241 00:13:22,920 --> 00:13:25,320 [Jeremy] In my head, this was a good idea. 242 00:13:25,920 --> 00:13:29,640 But making money from the woods and the meadows and the hedges 243 00:13:29,800 --> 00:13:32,680 would require a lot of work. 244 00:13:35,440 --> 00:13:38,840 So I called a meeting with my number two. 245 00:13:39,040 --> 00:13:40,960 I've got something serious to say to you. 246 00:13:43,680 --> 00:13:45,040 I've made a big decision. 247 00:13:46,680 --> 00:13:50,680 You are no longer the tractor driver on this farm. 248 00:13:51,600 --> 00:13:53,240 [Kaleb] What am I then? 249 00:13:54,640 --> 00:13:57,400 I've decided I'm gonna make you farm manager. 250 00:13:59,240 --> 00:14:00,640 -Really? -[Jeremy] Yep. 251 00:14:00,840 --> 00:14:03,640 I want you to run the farming side of it. 252 00:14:04,840 --> 00:14:05,760 You're fired. 253 00:14:05,960 --> 00:14:08,120 -What? -You're fired. 254 00:14:08,320 --> 00:14:11,160 -No, you can't fire... I'm the boss! -I'm the farm manager. 255 00:14:11,360 --> 00:14:12,720 -You're fired. -I'm not fired. 256 00:14:12,880 --> 00:14:13,800 You are. 257 00:14:14,000 --> 00:14:16,200 I'm not, because you haven't heard how this is gonna work. 258 00:14:16,720 --> 00:14:18,560 Tell me that, then you're fired. 259 00:14:18,720 --> 00:14:20,360 Here's how I want it to work. 260 00:14:20,560 --> 00:14:23,680 I've got to concentrate this year on making money 261 00:14:23,880 --> 00:14:27,160 out of that bit of the farm which isn't farmed. 262 00:14:27,320 --> 00:14:29,080 -[Kaleb] Yes? -You've never even been here. 263 00:14:29,280 --> 00:14:30,280 No. 264 00:14:30,440 --> 00:14:34,080 And then that means I'm not gonna have the time 265 00:14:34,240 --> 00:14:36,800 to really concentrate on this bit of the farm. 266 00:14:37,000 --> 00:14:37,960 On the arable. Yeah. 267 00:14:38,120 --> 00:14:40,760 [Jeremy] So, I'm gonna put you on the arable. 268 00:14:41,880 --> 00:14:43,920 And I'm gonna concentrate on this. 269 00:14:45,040 --> 00:14:47,200 -And I've just had a thought. -Mm-hmm? 270 00:14:47,360 --> 00:14:48,880 Why don't we make it a competition? 271 00:14:49,080 --> 00:14:51,160 Who in the next 12 months can make the most money: 272 00:14:51,360 --> 00:14:54,040 me out of unfarmed land 273 00:14:54,200 --> 00:14:59,120 -or you out of farmed land? -Farmed land... I like it. 274 00:14:59,520 --> 00:15:01,760 So we'll get a whiteboard, we'll put it on the wall, 275 00:15:01,960 --> 00:15:05,240 and then it's Jeremy's profit and costs, 276 00:15:05,400 --> 00:15:08,240 -Kaleb's profit and costs. -Yeah. 277 00:15:08,400 --> 00:15:11,320 Okay? And then it'll run through the year. 278 00:15:11,920 --> 00:15:12,720 Hmm? 279 00:15:12,880 --> 00:15:14,800 [Jeremy] I think that'll be quite good fun. 280 00:15:14,960 --> 00:15:16,800 I think it'll be fun as well. And I'm gonna win, so it's fine. 281 00:15:16,960 --> 00:15:17,920 You aren't gonna win. 282 00:15:19,560 --> 00:15:21,760 I'm gonna win this competition. 283 00:15:21,920 --> 00:15:25,760 [scoffs] Right. Get out and get back on your tractor and go manage the farm. 284 00:15:25,960 --> 00:15:28,120 I don't need to now. I'm gonna go have a nice walk round, 285 00:15:28,680 --> 00:15:30,360 anal-- "analasyse" the soil. 286 00:15:30,520 --> 00:15:32,280 -[Jeremy] "Analasyse"? -Hmm. 287 00:15:32,920 --> 00:15:35,080 [laughter] That's a word, innit? "Analasyse"! 288 00:15:35,280 --> 00:15:37,080 -No! -"Analasyse"! It is! 289 00:15:37,240 --> 00:15:38,760 [laughs] Analyse. 290 00:15:38,920 --> 00:15:40,720 -Analyse. -[Jeremy laughs] 291 00:15:41,200 --> 00:15:43,040 [upbeat music] 292 00:15:43,520 --> 00:15:46,600 [Jeremy] To get my "Farming the Unfarmed" project off the ground, 293 00:15:46,760 --> 00:15:48,480 I did some research. 294 00:15:48,880 --> 00:15:54,480 And discovered that my local supermarket was charging 6p a blackberry... 295 00:15:56,080 --> 00:16:00,560 Which meant my hedgerows were fruity gold mines. 296 00:16:00,760 --> 00:16:04,320 Look. 6p, 12, 24... 297 00:16:05,200 --> 00:16:06,680 There's 50p there. 298 00:16:06,840 --> 00:16:09,920 Another 50p there, and there, and there. 299 00:16:10,280 --> 00:16:11,080 A pound there. 300 00:16:11,280 --> 00:16:13,880 There's 30 quid in this one bush alone, easy. 301 00:16:16,160 --> 00:16:18,560 [Jeremy] In order to maximise profits, though, 302 00:16:18,720 --> 00:16:22,040 I'd need to harvest them as cheaply as possible. 303 00:16:22,760 --> 00:16:27,640 So rather craftily I asked if I could borrow a blackberry-picking machine 304 00:16:27,800 --> 00:16:30,040 to see if I liked it. 305 00:16:32,040 --> 00:16:33,200 [Jeremy] Shit... 306 00:16:33,360 --> 00:16:35,400 It's a bit bigger than I was expecting, mate! [chuckles] 307 00:16:35,560 --> 00:16:36,440 [driver] Just a bit bigger! 308 00:16:36,600 --> 00:16:39,040 -How are you? Erm... -I'm well, thank you. 309 00:16:39,200 --> 00:16:40,960 -We've got the grain wagon. -Yes? 310 00:16:41,120 --> 00:16:44,720 I'll just back him up. If you could pull over to the right, is that all right? 311 00:16:45,440 --> 00:16:47,920 Sorry, mate? Do you mind backing up? 312 00:16:48,120 --> 00:16:50,840 So that that wagon can get through and go over there? Is that all right? 313 00:16:51,000 --> 00:16:51,880 Cheers, mate. Thanks. 314 00:16:52,080 --> 00:16:55,200 [back-up beeper] 315 00:16:55,720 --> 00:16:58,560 I'm a car-park attendant, that's what I've become now. 316 00:17:00,480 --> 00:17:01,800 [Kaleb] What are you doing? 317 00:17:04,720 --> 00:17:06,080 I'm loading the lorry. 318 00:17:06,240 --> 00:17:08,120 Yeah, well, it was in the way. 319 00:17:09,240 --> 00:17:11,200 Your farming is in the way of my farming. 320 00:17:11,320 --> 00:17:13,160 No, your farming's getting in the way of my farming. 321 00:17:13,320 --> 00:17:15,520 It isn't. I just need to get this in. 322 00:17:15,680 --> 00:17:16,560 Look at that! 323 00:17:17,160 --> 00:17:20,040 -You don't even know what it is, do you? -[Kaleb] No... What are you doing? 324 00:17:20,200 --> 00:17:21,080 [Jeremy] Blackberry picking. 325 00:17:21,240 --> 00:17:24,200 Load the wagon up and then come and see real farming happening. 326 00:17:24,400 --> 00:17:26,400 [Kaleb] "Real" farming my arse. 327 00:17:26,800 --> 00:17:28,960 [upbeat music] 328 00:17:29,880 --> 00:17:33,760 [Jeremy] Right. Let my blackberry farming begin. 329 00:17:39,080 --> 00:17:44,960 Okay, the first thing I've realised is that my trailer is 25 yards wide. 330 00:17:46,480 --> 00:17:47,960 If I meet a bus coming the other way, 331 00:17:48,080 --> 00:17:51,000 the bus driver is going to be going home 332 00:17:51,200 --> 00:17:57,080 with a blackberry-picking machine fastened to his face like a moustache. 333 00:18:01,440 --> 00:18:02,960 As you can probably see, 334 00:18:03,160 --> 00:18:09,040 the blackberry-picking machine is like an arch. 335 00:18:09,200 --> 00:18:12,760 So I'm gonna try and harvest that hedge to start with. 336 00:18:12,920 --> 00:18:16,000 So I've gotta get my blackberry-picking machine 337 00:18:16,160 --> 00:18:19,560 to straddle this wall first of all. 338 00:18:23,800 --> 00:18:27,160 [Jeremy] This, inevitably, was easier said than done. 339 00:18:28,320 --> 00:18:31,040 [Jeremy] Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on. 340 00:18:31,520 --> 00:18:33,960 No, no, no. Shit! 341 00:18:34,520 --> 00:18:36,560 How on earth am I going to do this? 342 00:18:39,560 --> 00:18:40,440 Ah. 343 00:18:44,560 --> 00:18:46,320 No. Erm... 344 00:18:47,080 --> 00:18:49,320 Well, it's just not possible, is it? 345 00:18:51,160 --> 00:18:56,160 [Jeremy] There was nothing for it. I had to ask my business rival for help. 346 00:18:56,800 --> 00:18:58,160 -[Jeremy] Right, you see that? -Yeah. 347 00:18:58,320 --> 00:19:00,080 -[Jeremy] It's an arch. -Yeah. 348 00:19:00,280 --> 00:19:04,560 [Jeremy] And you have to get that arch to straddle this wall... 349 00:19:05,800 --> 00:19:08,400 Because we've gotta go all the way down this wall 350 00:19:08,560 --> 00:19:11,440 -to get to where the blackberries are. -[Kaleb] Okay. 351 00:19:11,640 --> 00:19:12,800 I can do it. 352 00:19:12,960 --> 00:19:14,080 I bet he can't. 353 00:19:15,200 --> 00:19:16,400 [Kaleb] Come on, Kaleb! 354 00:19:24,320 --> 00:19:25,920 [laughs gleefully] 355 00:19:26,800 --> 00:19:29,640 [Jeremy] Right, we're on. We're hooked on. 356 00:19:30,720 --> 00:19:32,520 I'm gonna go as straight as I can. 357 00:19:38,240 --> 00:19:42,320 [Jeremy] Oh, there's a lot of fence... We're knocking all these fence posts off. 358 00:19:46,440 --> 00:19:48,480 The whole wall is moving. 359 00:19:48,640 --> 00:19:51,960 We're gonna be harvesting a wall if you're not careful here. 360 00:19:53,080 --> 00:19:55,800 [Jeremy] These blackberries better be profitable. 361 00:19:58,040 --> 00:20:00,880 [Jeremy on radio] Oh! That's blown the whole wall right out! 362 00:20:02,920 --> 00:20:05,400 -[Jeremy] Oh, sheee. -[Kaleb on radio] Shit! 363 00:20:07,720 --> 00:20:10,040 [Jeremy] How much further until we get to what could be called... 364 00:20:10,440 --> 00:20:12,800 [Kaleb on radio] Wait. This wall doesn't fucking stop! 365 00:20:12,960 --> 00:20:13,920 [Jeremy] What? 366 00:20:14,080 --> 00:20:16,080 [Kaleb on radio] This wall does not stop. 367 00:20:23,520 --> 00:20:26,040 [Jeremy] Oh shit. Shit. 368 00:20:26,200 --> 00:20:28,640 -[Jeremy] You're gonna have to back up. -I can't. 369 00:20:28,800 --> 00:20:31,800 Well, you can't go forwards 'cause we now can't see it. 370 00:20:33,440 --> 00:20:35,320 [Jeremy] We're fucked, aren't we? 371 00:20:37,240 --> 00:20:39,520 [Kaleb shuts down the engine] 372 00:20:42,080 --> 00:20:43,560 [Jeremy] Christ. Look what we've done. 373 00:20:44,680 --> 00:20:48,240 [Jeremy] What we'd done was harvest no blackberries at all 374 00:20:48,400 --> 00:20:52,440 and create a week's work for Gerald, who wouldn't be able to do it 375 00:20:52,560 --> 00:20:56,800 because he'd phoned that morning to say he wasn't feeling very well. 376 00:20:57,800 --> 00:20:59,560 [Kaleb] Stay where you are. That's it, stay straight. 377 00:20:59,760 --> 00:21:02,280 [Jeremy] And rather embarrassingly, when the people came 378 00:21:02,440 --> 00:21:04,800 to collect the precious demonstrator they'd lent me, 379 00:21:05,800 --> 00:21:09,800 we had to lift it off the wall using two telehandlers. 380 00:21:12,800 --> 00:21:13,640 [Jeremy] Oh. 381 00:21:14,200 --> 00:21:18,000 That's... that's the fence now broken again. 382 00:21:19,960 --> 00:21:22,520 Oh, look at the concrete. No, whoa, whoa, whoa. 383 00:21:23,720 --> 00:21:25,880 [back-up beeper] 384 00:21:28,560 --> 00:21:30,160 [Jeremy] Jesus. 385 00:21:33,960 --> 00:21:35,320 [Kaleb] Here you are. Here's your machine. 386 00:21:36,320 --> 00:21:39,000 [Jeremy] Clearly, I now needed to think of a new way 387 00:21:39,160 --> 00:21:41,000 to harvest my blackberries. 388 00:21:42,200 --> 00:21:44,280 [upbeat music] 389 00:21:44,920 --> 00:21:48,320 But first, it was my turn to help Kaleb. 390 00:21:48,800 --> 00:21:51,960 Whoa. That's Kaleb's new muck spreader. 391 00:21:53,160 --> 00:21:55,120 [Jeremy] Because it was time to scoop up the muck 392 00:21:55,280 --> 00:22:00,280 our recently departed cows had produced over the last 11 months. 393 00:22:00,440 --> 00:22:02,520 [Kaleb] Oh yes! 394 00:22:03,000 --> 00:22:05,640 -[Jeremy] That is pungent. -[Kaleb] That's good stuff! 395 00:22:05,800 --> 00:22:07,200 [Jeremy] So how much do you reckon is here? 396 00:22:07,400 --> 00:22:09,800 [Kaleb] I reckon we've got about 200 tonnes here. 397 00:22:09,960 --> 00:22:11,600 -[Jeremy] 200 tonnes of faeces. -Yeah. 398 00:22:13,640 --> 00:22:14,840 [Kaleb] Feel that. 399 00:22:15,320 --> 00:22:16,440 -Feel how hot it is. -No. 400 00:22:17,080 --> 00:22:18,160 Feel the heat. 401 00:22:18,320 --> 00:22:19,640 -Can you feel it? -Oooh! 402 00:22:21,160 --> 00:22:22,160 [Jeremy] Why is it so hot? 403 00:22:22,320 --> 00:22:23,960 -When it ferments... -Oh. 404 00:22:24,120 --> 00:22:25,560 It just gets hot in the middle and comes out. 405 00:22:25,720 --> 00:22:26,960 -That's really hot in the middle. -Yeah. 406 00:22:27,120 --> 00:22:29,720 When you start bucketing that, it's gonna be boiling. 407 00:22:30,120 --> 00:22:31,920 [Kaleb] Start loading up, yeah? 408 00:22:41,440 --> 00:22:44,200 [Kaleb on radio] One bucket weighs one tonne. 409 00:22:46,160 --> 00:22:49,080 [Jeremy on radio] If that was artificial chemical fertiliser, 410 00:22:49,240 --> 00:22:51,680 that would have cost me a thousand pounds. 411 00:22:51,840 --> 00:22:55,320 [Kaleb] The weigh scales is 1.6 tonne, actually. 412 00:22:56,160 --> 00:22:58,240 You've got weigh scales in your new muck spreader? 413 00:22:58,440 --> 00:22:59,640 [Kaleb] It's the way forward. 414 00:22:59,800 --> 00:23:01,760 You can actually tell how much muck's going on your fields. 415 00:23:01,920 --> 00:23:04,400 That's what we need to know. The fertiliser price is so high. 416 00:23:08,640 --> 00:23:10,400 [Jeremy] You're pretty much full now. 417 00:23:11,120 --> 00:23:12,040 [Kaleb] Yeah. 418 00:23:12,200 --> 00:23:15,280 [Jeremy] And then that just flings it out over the field, does it? 419 00:23:15,680 --> 00:23:20,640 [Kaleb] Let's put it this way. I had a stone the other day go out 48 metres. 420 00:23:22,680 --> 00:23:25,080 48 metres out of the back? 421 00:23:25,800 --> 00:23:28,240 [Kaleb] 48 metres out the back of this spreader, 422 00:23:28,400 --> 00:23:29,880 through a window, through a blind, 423 00:23:30,040 --> 00:23:31,680 hit a chair and hit a fridge. 424 00:23:31,840 --> 00:23:33,120 [Jeremy] Where? In Chadlington? 425 00:23:33,280 --> 00:23:36,160 [Kaleb] Yeah, on Simon's field, in the middle of Chadlington. 426 00:23:36,360 --> 00:23:39,000 It hit the top of the chair and ripped all the leather off it. 427 00:23:39,840 --> 00:23:42,000 So don't go behind your muck spreader then. 428 00:23:42,200 --> 00:23:44,120 [upbeat music] 429 00:23:45,200 --> 00:23:47,360 [Jeremy] I then got a first-hand demonstration 430 00:23:47,520 --> 00:23:50,680 of the muck spreader's Gatling-gun power 431 00:23:50,840 --> 00:23:53,600 as Kaleb's brother fertilised the field. 432 00:23:54,800 --> 00:23:58,600 [Jeremy] Jesus. Why don't they use that-- The Army should use that. 433 00:23:58,760 --> 00:24:00,000 [Kaleb] Win a lot of wars with that, wouldn't you? 434 00:24:00,200 --> 00:24:04,040 If you loaded that up with gravel and then drove through a war zone... 435 00:24:04,200 --> 00:24:08,200 -[Kaleb chuckling] You would literally... -You'd properly get people to duck! 436 00:24:09,520 --> 00:24:13,400 [Jeremy] I was extremely happy to be using free fertiliser, 437 00:24:13,560 --> 00:24:17,680 but we only had enough to cover 25 acres. 438 00:24:17,840 --> 00:24:20,640 So it was up to farm manager Kaleb to decide 439 00:24:20,800 --> 00:24:24,960 how many chemicals he'd need to fill in the gaps. 440 00:24:26,240 --> 00:24:30,000 He therefore invited Charlie over to his new office. 441 00:24:34,840 --> 00:24:36,240 [Kaleb] So I've just been working this out. 442 00:24:36,440 --> 00:24:37,640 What's "this"? 443 00:24:37,800 --> 00:24:39,760 -The cropping. -I've done that. 444 00:24:39,920 --> 00:24:43,040 Yeah, but I'm doing it. 'Cause I'm farm manager. 445 00:24:43,480 --> 00:24:46,680 Well, wha... Okay. Well, what's "your" plan? 446 00:24:48,120 --> 00:24:50,760 [Kaleb] So, I think wheat down the right-hand side of the farm, 447 00:24:50,920 --> 00:24:53,880 which I call the right-hand side, which is Big Ground Banks Airfield. 448 00:24:54,040 --> 00:24:57,280 -The eastern side. -Yeah. Or that side, yeah. 449 00:24:57,440 --> 00:24:59,960 -The eastern side. -Yeah. Okay. Right-hand side. 450 00:25:00,120 --> 00:25:03,280 And then spring wheat in basically the middle end of the farm. 451 00:25:03,440 --> 00:25:04,600 -Okay. -Yeah? 452 00:25:04,760 --> 00:25:08,880 And you said-- Did you say about 100,000 pounds' worth of fertiliser? 453 00:25:09,240 --> 00:25:10,040 Roughly. 454 00:25:10,240 --> 00:25:13,960 I think I can get it down to about 78,000 pounds. 455 00:25:14,160 --> 00:25:16,280 We've got the chicken muck, we've got the cow muck. 456 00:25:16,440 --> 00:25:19,320 Okay. So you're hoping that that cuts the amount of artificial nitrogen? 457 00:25:19,520 --> 00:25:21,960 -Yeah. -Don't be short on nitrogen. 458 00:25:22,160 --> 00:25:25,080 And don't cut corners unnecessarily. 459 00:25:25,280 --> 00:25:27,440 -The risk's gone through the roof. -Yeah. 460 00:25:27,600 --> 00:25:30,320 'Cause you've got higher growing costs, you've got higher pricing. 461 00:25:30,480 --> 00:25:33,520 You know, we need the output to maximise our income, 462 00:25:33,680 --> 00:25:36,720 because that'll give you your profit at the end of the day. 463 00:25:36,920 --> 00:25:38,680 I think we can save 22,000 pounds. 464 00:25:38,880 --> 00:25:40,480 Well, let's hope it works. 465 00:25:41,120 --> 00:25:43,920 -This farm competition... -[Kaleb sighing] Oh, yeah. 466 00:25:44,080 --> 00:25:45,080 Are you okay with it? 467 00:25:45,280 --> 00:25:50,680 I mean, the man can hardly farm the farmed, let alone farm the unfarmed. 468 00:25:51,680 --> 00:25:53,520 God knows what he's gonna... God knows his ideas. 469 00:25:57,480 --> 00:25:59,240 [upbeat music] 470 00:25:59,400 --> 00:26:02,720 [Jeremy] As they discussed this, I was busy in the barn, 471 00:26:03,400 --> 00:26:06,920 working on another blackberry-harvesting solution. 472 00:26:07,360 --> 00:26:10,440 And I must say, I was rather pleased with it. 473 00:26:17,560 --> 00:26:18,520 [engine sputtering] 474 00:26:19,080 --> 00:26:22,400 [Jeremy] And now, we move to the other side of the vehicle, 475 00:26:23,080 --> 00:26:26,800 where we find the vacuum cleaner. 476 00:26:27,240 --> 00:26:30,800 Simply apply the vacuum cleaner to the blackberry. 477 00:26:33,240 --> 00:26:34,560 Yes! 478 00:26:34,720 --> 00:26:35,880 Who knew! 479 00:26:36,360 --> 00:26:38,280 I've done a thing that works! 480 00:26:39,640 --> 00:26:41,800 I'm harvesting a bush. 481 00:26:41,960 --> 00:26:43,680 And it's only pulling off the black ones, 482 00:26:43,880 --> 00:26:45,880 it's not pulling off the unripe red ones. 483 00:26:46,800 --> 00:26:50,160 We're not using CGI here. This is real. 484 00:26:52,240 --> 00:26:53,120 Ah-ha. 485 00:26:53,720 --> 00:26:56,640 I don't know what sort of vacuum cleaner this is, I'm not an expert, 486 00:26:56,800 --> 00:26:59,120 but they're marketing it all wrong. 487 00:26:59,320 --> 00:27:01,040 Look at that. Five minutes. 488 00:27:01,200 --> 00:27:05,240 And they're red ones. I'm staggered! 489 00:27:05,440 --> 00:27:06,320 [laughs gleefully] 490 00:27:08,960 --> 00:27:11,160 [Jeremy] Once I'd harvested the hedge... 491 00:27:12,000 --> 00:27:14,120 I headed to the farm kitchen, 492 00:27:14,320 --> 00:27:17,360 leafed through Mrs Beeton's old cookery book... 493 00:27:17,520 --> 00:27:20,920 Blackberries, lemon juice, sugar. 494 00:27:21,280 --> 00:27:25,920 [Jeremy] And then started to make some Diddly Squat blackberry jam. 495 00:27:26,080 --> 00:27:28,280 Woah. Bloody hell. 496 00:27:34,040 --> 00:27:37,640 So all I have to do is add the jam sugar, 497 00:27:37,800 --> 00:27:39,000 add the lemon juice, 498 00:27:39,720 --> 00:27:41,600 bubble them away for half an hour or so, 499 00:27:42,160 --> 00:27:43,920 cool it, sell it. 500 00:27:44,120 --> 00:27:45,360 One hour's work. 501 00:27:45,800 --> 00:27:47,560 An hour to harvest them. Two hour's work. 502 00:27:48,680 --> 00:27:50,840 This is pure profit. 503 00:27:53,520 --> 00:27:54,640 Hello. 504 00:27:55,440 --> 00:27:58,000 -[Charlie] What are you doing? -Making jam, dear boy. Making jam. 505 00:27:58,160 --> 00:28:00,320 This is new farming, this is. 506 00:28:00,720 --> 00:28:03,720 [Jeremy] Given that we weren't dealing with cows or crops, 507 00:28:03,880 --> 00:28:07,880 I assumed there'd be no opportunity for finger-wagging. 508 00:28:08,600 --> 00:28:11,280 Erm, so, clearly blackberries. 509 00:28:11,480 --> 00:28:13,600 -[Jeremy] Yeah. -How much is in there? 510 00:28:14,080 --> 00:28:15,320 Well, that many. 511 00:28:15,520 --> 00:28:16,960 -No, but how many? -Oh, I don't know. 512 00:28:17,120 --> 00:28:19,760 You've gotta measure it. You can't just chuck it all in. 513 00:28:20,840 --> 00:28:23,160 -[Charlie] You're gonna sell the jam. -Yeah. 514 00:28:23,360 --> 00:28:25,000 Have you done your food hygiene test? 515 00:28:26,560 --> 00:28:27,440 No. 516 00:28:27,600 --> 00:28:31,040 What pH is it? Does it contain any allergens? You'll have to put... 517 00:28:31,200 --> 00:28:34,000 Well, what if someone's allergic to blackberries? 518 00:28:34,160 --> 00:28:35,600 Well, you'll have to put on there. 519 00:28:35,760 --> 00:28:38,400 "May contain blackberries" in this blackberry... You're... 520 00:28:38,560 --> 00:28:41,120 -[Charlie] Is it just blackberries? -No. Lemon juice. 521 00:28:41,520 --> 00:28:46,480 But you'll have to list what's on here. It's got potassium metabisulfites in it. 522 00:28:46,680 --> 00:28:49,200 -So you've gotta list... -So on my jam, I've got to write 523 00:28:49,400 --> 00:28:53,080 "May contain traces of potassium metabisulfite"? 524 00:28:53,240 --> 00:28:55,280 -Yes. Because... -That's not very good marketing. 525 00:28:55,440 --> 00:28:58,320 [Charlie] Okay, are you're making jam, or preserve, or conserve? 526 00:29:00,240 --> 00:29:01,440 What's the difference? 527 00:29:01,640 --> 00:29:06,560 So, okay, there is a difference, and it's all to do with sugar content. 528 00:29:06,720 --> 00:29:09,440 You know on the side of a jam thing, it says: 529 00:29:09,600 --> 00:29:12,360 "This was made with X amount of fruit"? 530 00:29:12,520 --> 00:29:16,160 So, like, 50 grams of fruit made 100 grams of jam? 531 00:29:17,360 --> 00:29:18,560 I don't know what you're talking about. 532 00:29:19,120 --> 00:29:21,760 What does Mrs Beeton... She'll say that 533 00:29:21,920 --> 00:29:25,840 you've gotta have a specific amount of sugar to make it jam. 534 00:29:26,000 --> 00:29:27,560 No, she doesn't. 535 00:29:29,800 --> 00:29:31,800 [Charlie] Three pounds to three pounds! 536 00:29:31,960 --> 00:29:33,800 Well, I'll put the three pounds of sugar in then. 537 00:29:33,960 --> 00:29:36,280 -How many blackberries have you got? -I don't know! 538 00:29:36,440 --> 00:29:39,120 [laughing] So basically, you can't use that. 539 00:29:40,160 --> 00:29:41,840 -[Jeremy] What? -You haven't weighed it. 540 00:29:42,000 --> 00:29:43,080 -You need to know... -I can't use it? 541 00:29:43,720 --> 00:29:45,880 [Charlie] You'll need to start again. 542 00:29:48,000 --> 00:29:50,600 [Jeremy] I wasn't the only one being bashed on the rocks 543 00:29:50,760 --> 00:29:53,720 by Charlie's waves of negativity, 544 00:29:53,880 --> 00:29:55,800 because on the other side of the farm, 545 00:29:56,000 --> 00:30:02,320 Kaleb was also getting a drubbing over his plans to plant oilseed rape. 546 00:30:03,920 --> 00:30:07,960 -I have... your new cropping plan. -All right. Brilliant. 547 00:30:08,960 --> 00:30:11,160 -[Charlie] You've still got rape? -Yeah. 548 00:30:11,360 --> 00:30:12,800 Why? 549 00:30:14,080 --> 00:30:16,120 -I think it's a risk. -It is a risk. 550 00:30:16,280 --> 00:30:17,880 -When did it last rain? -I can't remember. 551 00:30:18,040 --> 00:30:20,520 Like, April. There's no moisture. The ground's hard. 552 00:30:20,680 --> 00:30:22,360 We're gonna have flea-beetle pressure. 553 00:30:22,560 --> 00:30:23,880 I dunno when it's gonna rain. 554 00:30:24,040 --> 00:30:26,520 [Kaleb] But I think it's a risk we've gotta take. 555 00:30:26,720 --> 00:30:30,560 How many farmers this year have not grown rape because of the weather? 556 00:30:30,760 --> 00:30:33,040 -Okay. Quite a lot. -A lot. Yes. 557 00:30:33,200 --> 00:30:35,960 So therefore the price, if it's 5.75 at the moment, 558 00:30:36,520 --> 00:30:39,400 in a year's time, when they say there's a shortage of rape, 559 00:30:39,560 --> 00:30:42,840 because of the reason of no farmers are growing it 'cause of the weather, yeah? 560 00:30:43,040 --> 00:30:45,080 That price could increase. 561 00:30:45,240 --> 00:30:47,080 -If this pulls off... -If. 562 00:30:47,280 --> 00:30:49,120 Or, it fails? 563 00:30:52,880 --> 00:30:56,560 I am willing to risk planting oilseed rape this year... 564 00:30:57,600 --> 00:30:59,920 -as farm manager. -Are you chasing 565 00:31:00,480 --> 00:31:02,440 the bottom line of the farm 566 00:31:02,600 --> 00:31:06,600 or are you just trying to chase Jeremy 'cause he's got a good head start? 567 00:31:06,760 --> 00:31:08,400 The farm. 568 00:31:08,560 --> 00:31:09,520 And Jeremy. 569 00:31:10,160 --> 00:31:13,200 -Focus on the farm. -I am! I am! 570 00:31:13,360 --> 00:31:14,720 Okay. 571 00:31:14,880 --> 00:31:17,920 I am. It'll be fine. 572 00:31:19,960 --> 00:31:23,520 [Jeremy] I agreed with Charlie that rape was a bad idea, 573 00:31:23,720 --> 00:31:25,200 but there was no time to discuss this 574 00:31:25,360 --> 00:31:29,400 because I needed to hoover up more blackberries for my jam. 575 00:31:31,440 --> 00:31:34,880 [Jeremy] If we weigh this, we'll know how much fruit goes in each jar. 576 00:31:35,240 --> 00:31:37,240 [Charlie] How do you know you're gonna fill them the same level each time? 577 00:31:37,440 --> 00:31:40,000 We're not buying cocaine. It's not like you say 2 grams or 20. 578 00:31:40,160 --> 00:31:41,240 There's a big difference. 579 00:31:42,440 --> 00:31:44,560 [struggling for words] I'll go with your logic. 580 00:31:44,720 --> 00:31:45,560 Right. 581 00:31:47,200 --> 00:31:51,360 -That jar with the lid weighs 228 grams. -[Charlie] Yeah. 582 00:31:55,040 --> 00:31:58,360 [Jeremy] With the fruit in it's 443 grams. 583 00:31:58,960 --> 00:32:00,000 So 215. 584 00:32:00,200 --> 00:32:01,440 -[Jeremy] Is that the difference? -Yeah. 585 00:32:01,600 --> 00:32:06,640 So we know that in each jar, there will be 215 grams of fruit. 586 00:32:07,640 --> 00:32:08,440 -[Jeremy] Yes? -Yeah. 587 00:32:08,600 --> 00:32:10,920 [Jeremy] If I wash this, it'll be all right to use again, won't it? 588 00:32:11,080 --> 00:32:14,480 [Charlie] Yeah, that's the whole point of glass jars, Jeremy, you can reuse them. 589 00:32:14,640 --> 00:32:15,880 -Exactly. -[Charlie] There you go. 590 00:32:16,680 --> 00:32:19,880 -[Jeremy] Do I have to sterilise it? -Yes, you do have to sterilise it. 591 00:32:20,040 --> 00:32:23,280 We've been through that. Put it in a warm oven for ten minutes. 592 00:32:24,160 --> 00:32:26,440 Lid and jar sterilising. 593 00:32:29,440 --> 00:32:31,000 [beeping] 594 00:32:31,200 --> 00:32:33,080 -[Jeremy] No. No. -[Charlie stammers] 595 00:32:33,280 --> 00:32:36,360 [beeping] 596 00:32:39,880 --> 00:32:42,720 -No, there's just nothing there. -No. 597 00:32:42,880 --> 00:32:45,160 -The oven's here. -Oh, right. What's this then? 598 00:32:46,040 --> 00:32:47,680 [chuckles] 599 00:32:47,880 --> 00:32:49,040 [upbeat music] 600 00:32:49,200 --> 00:32:51,480 [Jeremy] Despite these minor setbacks, 601 00:32:51,680 --> 00:32:56,920 a couple of days later, my jam was ready to go on sale. 602 00:32:57,400 --> 00:32:58,280 There's all those. 603 00:32:58,480 --> 00:32:59,400 All these. 604 00:33:01,040 --> 00:33:04,160 It cost nothing to plant the blackberries. 605 00:33:04,720 --> 00:33:07,760 I didn't have to fertilise them. I didn't have to do anything. 606 00:33:07,960 --> 00:33:10,360 Eat your heart out, Kaleb. 607 00:33:15,400 --> 00:33:17,600 [Jeremy] Look what I have got for you. 608 00:33:17,760 --> 00:33:20,120 -[Lisa] No way! -Yes way! 609 00:33:20,320 --> 00:33:22,560 -How much can we sell it for? -What would you like to charge? 610 00:33:23,280 --> 00:33:25,960 Well, it cost 1.49 pounds to make. 611 00:33:26,160 --> 00:33:28,960 60p for the jar, 47p for the label, 612 00:33:29,120 --> 00:33:31,600 and 42p for the sugar in each one. 613 00:33:32,040 --> 00:33:34,800 I think 3.60 pounds is a reasonable amount. 614 00:33:34,960 --> 00:33:37,560 -I mean, I can sell it for 4.80. -[Jeremy] It's 3.60. 615 00:33:37,760 --> 00:33:38,920 I'm not having any of your... 616 00:33:39,080 --> 00:33:41,040 [in Irish accent] "Well, hoo, we can get away with charging more." 617 00:33:41,200 --> 00:33:42,280 3.60. 618 00:33:44,560 --> 00:33:47,920 [Jeremy] As good as it was to see my jam on the shelves, 619 00:33:49,000 --> 00:33:53,040 I knew that my current sources of income from farming the unfarmed 620 00:33:53,200 --> 00:33:55,200 would soon dry up. 621 00:33:57,400 --> 00:33:59,600 Autumn was now upon us, 622 00:33:59,800 --> 00:34:02,120 which meant the bees would knock off for the year 623 00:34:02,280 --> 00:34:06,360 and the hedges would become bereft of fruit. 624 00:34:06,880 --> 00:34:10,600 However, I'd had another money-making brainwave 625 00:34:10,760 --> 00:34:14,640 and I couldn't wait to tell Charlie all about it. 626 00:34:14,840 --> 00:34:15,800 [groans] 627 00:34:16,600 --> 00:34:18,000 I've got a new thing. 628 00:34:19,520 --> 00:34:20,400 Pigs. 629 00:34:21,200 --> 00:34:22,120 Pigs? 630 00:34:22,560 --> 00:34:25,760 Pigs. And there's method in my madness. 631 00:34:26,160 --> 00:34:27,520 [stammers] 632 00:34:27,680 --> 00:34:30,560 This is the Prime Minister speaking. Ready? 633 00:34:31,440 --> 00:34:34,080 In a fortnight I'm going to Paris 634 00:34:34,200 --> 00:34:36,640 for the world's largest food trade fair 635 00:34:36,840 --> 00:34:40,000 and I will be bigging-up British products. 636 00:34:40,440 --> 00:34:45,960 In December, I'll be in Beijing, opening up new pork markets. 637 00:34:48,160 --> 00:34:50,960 And she paused there for applause that didn't come. 638 00:34:51,120 --> 00:34:52,560 But I was paying attention. 639 00:34:53,000 --> 00:34:54,960 So she's opening up new pork markets. 640 00:34:55,160 --> 00:34:57,800 And this is a woman who's... She's the Prime Minister, now. 641 00:34:57,960 --> 00:35:01,000 Thousands and thousands of Conservative Party members have looked at her 642 00:35:01,160 --> 00:35:04,800 and said "She's wise, she's on it, she's bright, she's the right choice." 643 00:35:04,960 --> 00:35:10,360 So she thinks there's going to be a burgeoning pork market in China. Hmm? 644 00:35:11,640 --> 00:35:13,640 So do you want to breed pigs? 645 00:35:13,840 --> 00:35:15,680 Yes! 'Cause then you get piglets. 646 00:35:15,920 --> 00:35:19,560 It'd be fun to have little piglets running around... Won't it? 647 00:35:19,680 --> 00:35:22,440 It would be much easier from a management point of view... 648 00:35:22,640 --> 00:35:24,160 -Yeah? -...to just buy piglets in, 649 00:35:24,320 --> 00:35:28,040 fatten those up, and then kill them to sell in the farm shop. 650 00:35:28,160 --> 00:35:30,600 But then you'd have to buy more. Why don't you just get them breeding? 651 00:35:30,760 --> 00:35:34,680 As soon as you've got a breeding pig, it's a 365 thing. 652 00:35:34,920 --> 00:35:36,920 Somebody's gotta be here every single day, 653 00:35:37,120 --> 00:35:39,920 watering, feeding, moving, checking the welfare. 654 00:35:40,120 --> 00:35:42,480 I cannot believe pigs are complicated. 655 00:35:42,640 --> 00:35:43,520 [laughs] 656 00:35:43,640 --> 00:35:47,120 So you have the babies, chop them up, sell them in the shop, sausages. 657 00:35:47,280 --> 00:35:49,080 You get so much from a pig. 658 00:35:49,280 --> 00:35:50,520 But I just... you've... 659 00:35:50,640 --> 00:35:55,000 You've jumped from pigs to the farm shop without, 660 00:35:55,160 --> 00:35:58,360 I think, full consideration of the production bit. 661 00:35:58,560 --> 00:36:00,560 Liz Truss says I can sell them in Beijing. She's opening up... 662 00:36:00,680 --> 00:36:03,040 I don't want you to sell them in Beijing. Sell them at the farm shop. 663 00:36:03,520 --> 00:36:06,080 -I'm gonna sell them in there. -Who's gonna look after them? 664 00:36:07,640 --> 00:36:09,160 -Me. -Every day? 665 00:36:09,360 --> 00:36:11,320 Yes. I'm here every day. 666 00:36:11,520 --> 00:36:13,000 -When you're not here? -Kaleb. 667 00:36:13,160 --> 00:36:15,680 -Has he got enough time? -Yes. 668 00:36:15,880 --> 00:36:17,480 -Where are they gonna live? -Well... 669 00:36:18,160 --> 00:36:21,360 Because Kaleb can't get the potatoes up, they go up into the... 670 00:36:21,520 --> 00:36:22,360 where the potatoes are. 671 00:36:22,560 --> 00:36:23,560 Fine. 672 00:36:23,680 --> 00:36:25,360 We fence that bit off. 673 00:36:25,560 --> 00:36:27,440 -Yep. -They go in there. 674 00:36:27,600 --> 00:36:31,160 And they'll eat all the potatoes, so we get value from the potatoes. 675 00:36:31,360 --> 00:36:32,600 Yeah, but they won't be there forever. 676 00:36:32,800 --> 00:36:35,600 No. Woods. They're gonna be woodland pigs. 677 00:36:35,800 --> 00:36:36,960 I can put them in the woods. 678 00:36:37,160 --> 00:36:39,760 'Cause you know I've got that competition going with Kaleb? 679 00:36:39,960 --> 00:36:42,680 I told him I could generate money from the woods, 680 00:36:42,880 --> 00:36:43,640 -yes? -Yeah. 681 00:36:43,880 --> 00:36:46,160 If I put pigs, once they've eaten all the potatoes out of there 682 00:36:46,400 --> 00:36:47,920 -that he's failed to get up. -Yeah. 683 00:36:48,120 --> 00:36:50,960 -They live in the woods, snouting around. -Yeah. 684 00:36:51,160 --> 00:36:54,160 And I'm making money from my side of the enterprise 685 00:36:54,360 --> 00:36:56,080 because they can truffle about, 686 00:36:56,280 --> 00:36:59,360 and they just turn over the soil looking for acorns and things, don't they? 687 00:36:59,520 --> 00:37:02,800 In an idyllic sort of Winnie the Pooh world. 688 00:37:03,440 --> 00:37:07,640 They're foragers, but they're more like a JCB, they're earth movers. 689 00:37:07,800 --> 00:37:12,960 So you will regenerate the woods into a sort of stock-car track. 690 00:37:13,160 --> 00:37:15,400 You'll have the local kids in there with their BMXs 691 00:37:15,560 --> 00:37:18,840 cycling around these massive earthworks that they've created. 692 00:37:19,040 --> 00:37:22,040 Your ne-- This is your most negative yet. 693 00:37:22,200 --> 00:37:25,560 I am just concerned about the production of piglets. 694 00:37:25,760 --> 00:37:28,120 The idyllic nature of it in your mind... 695 00:37:28,320 --> 00:37:30,160 I want to get hundreds of them in the woods, 696 00:37:30,320 --> 00:37:32,520 rootling around, clearing away the thorns. 697 00:37:33,160 --> 00:37:35,280 [stammering] I, I, I... Look... 698 00:37:35,480 --> 00:37:37,320 Actually, I'm gonna get on it now. I'm on it. 699 00:37:37,520 --> 00:37:39,440 I'm going to find a pig farmer. I'm gonna get some pigs. 700 00:37:39,640 --> 00:37:41,600 Piggly Squat Pork. 701 00:37:42,360 --> 00:37:43,520 Come on! 702 00:37:43,680 --> 00:37:45,480 Yes! 703 00:37:48,160 --> 00:37:50,800 [upbeat music] 704 00:37:50,960 --> 00:37:54,400 [Jeremy] As I set to work, with no help from Charlie, 705 00:37:54,560 --> 00:37:58,280 Kaleb took the Lambo in for a much-needed service... 706 00:38:00,560 --> 00:38:04,760 And then used his own toy tractor to work the fields, 707 00:38:04,920 --> 00:38:10,560 whose walls were now looking a bit tired as Gerald was still feeling poorly. 708 00:38:12,160 --> 00:38:15,800 Then it was time for Kaleb and I to have a serious chat 709 00:38:15,960 --> 00:38:18,960 about how our competition was going. 710 00:38:20,320 --> 00:38:21,280 Hmm. 711 00:38:21,440 --> 00:38:22,920 It looks horrible. 712 00:38:23,400 --> 00:38:25,120 Damsons in vodka. 713 00:38:25,280 --> 00:38:29,360 Leave it for a couple of months. And then, sell that. 714 00:38:29,560 --> 00:38:31,160 And we can make our own vodka, according to Lisa... 715 00:38:31,360 --> 00:38:32,360 -So how mu... -With our potatoes. 716 00:38:32,560 --> 00:38:33,880 -[Kaleb] How much money's... -There? 717 00:38:34,080 --> 00:38:35,520 How much money worth is that? 718 00:38:35,680 --> 00:38:37,160 Three, four hundred quid. 719 00:38:37,680 --> 00:38:39,160 This is the future of farming. 720 00:38:39,320 --> 00:38:41,040 -[Kaleb] It's not a future. -Well, it is... 721 00:38:41,200 --> 00:38:43,120 That's gonna get someone drunk for one night. 722 00:38:43,880 --> 00:38:45,920 You think one person could drink all that? 723 00:38:46,120 --> 00:38:47,480 I think you could drink all of that. 724 00:38:49,200 --> 00:38:52,800 [Jeremy] We then discussed the bill for servicing the Lambo. 725 00:38:54,840 --> 00:38:56,600 -What is it? -Well, there's a lot of stuff. 726 00:38:56,800 --> 00:38:59,320 -Yeah, I mean, it's buggered. -Also... It's not buggered! 727 00:38:59,480 --> 00:39:01,080 -It is. It's time to get a new... -The brakes weren't working. 728 00:39:01,200 --> 00:39:03,480 Just get a new one. What's the total? 729 00:39:03,960 --> 00:39:04,880 Could you add these up? 730 00:39:05,080 --> 00:39:07,560 3,259, 731 00:39:07,680 --> 00:39:10,080 1,543, 732 00:39:10,280 --> 00:39:13,840 99 plus 410. 733 00:39:14,040 --> 00:39:15,640 How much is that? 734 00:39:16,680 --> 00:39:19,160 -[Jeremy] 5,300 pounds. -That's a lot of money. 735 00:39:19,360 --> 00:39:21,480 It's a lot. But, I mean, I'll get three or four years of... 736 00:39:21,640 --> 00:39:24,000 I mean, take that off your margins. Because, I mean, that's... 737 00:39:24,160 --> 00:39:26,160 It's not my margins. It's your farm. 738 00:39:27,320 --> 00:39:29,120 -You're doing the agricultural bit. -All right, then. 739 00:39:29,280 --> 00:39:30,960 -This is coming off yours. -I wanna sell it. 740 00:39:31,120 --> 00:39:32,600 You're not gonna sell it. It's my tractor. 741 00:39:32,800 --> 00:39:36,000 Anyway, listen, we're gonna have a chart of who's doing best. 742 00:39:36,640 --> 00:39:37,480 Pen. 743 00:39:37,960 --> 00:39:40,640 -So this is "Spent" and "Made". -Hmm. 744 00:39:40,880 --> 00:39:45,640 -Jam: 230 pounds. Yes? -Yeah. 745 00:39:45,840 --> 00:39:47,800 230 pounds' profit, 746 00:39:47,960 --> 00:39:50,600 once I'd taken the cost of the jars off and everything else, right? 747 00:39:50,760 --> 00:39:51,560 Hmm-hmm. 748 00:39:51,680 --> 00:39:56,080 You spent 78,000 pounds on fertiliser. 749 00:39:56,640 --> 00:39:58,560 Made nothing. 750 00:40:00,160 --> 00:40:03,080 So that's where we are at the moment. I'm 230 pounds up. 751 00:40:03,200 --> 00:40:05,880 You're minus 78,000 pounds. 752 00:40:06,520 --> 00:40:07,840 And how much have you spent on seed? 753 00:40:08,320 --> 00:40:09,920 2,500 on the rape. 754 00:40:10,080 --> 00:40:13,480 So rape, which I told you not to drill, which you did: 755 00:40:13,640 --> 00:40:16,640 2,500. Wheat? 756 00:40:16,840 --> 00:40:19,560 -[Kaleb] Six grand. -6,000 pounds. 757 00:40:19,680 --> 00:40:22,120 -[Jeremy] Chemicals? -1,500. 758 00:40:22,320 --> 00:40:24,480 -[Jeremy] Diesel? -2,000 pounds. 759 00:40:24,640 --> 00:40:26,080 2,000 in diesel. 760 00:40:26,280 --> 00:40:27,920 [Kaleb] I don't like this game. 761 00:40:28,120 --> 00:40:31,160 -[Jeremy] Just... Tractor service? -You broke that though. 762 00:40:31,360 --> 00:40:33,160 So you are now at 78, 763 00:40:33,600 --> 00:40:37,160 80, 86, 87, 89, 94... 764 00:40:38,200 --> 00:40:43,080 minus 95,400 pounds. 765 00:40:43,200 --> 00:40:47,640 And I'm plus 230 pounds. 766 00:40:48,320 --> 00:40:53,160 So I'm 95,630 pounds ahead of you. 767 00:40:55,360 --> 00:40:57,000 I haven't-- Oh, my honey! 768 00:40:57,160 --> 00:40:59,520 -[Jeremy] 8,000 pounds. -What? 769 00:41:00,000 --> 00:41:01,600 A profitable item. 770 00:41:02,160 --> 00:41:05,920 So I'm actually 8,230 pounds up, 771 00:41:06,080 --> 00:41:13,080 which proves my idea of farming unfarmed land... is working well. 772 00:41:19,440 --> 00:41:21,520 [Jeremy] Given that Kaleb's side of the board 773 00:41:21,640 --> 00:41:24,000 looked like Boris Becker's bank statement, 774 00:41:24,160 --> 00:41:28,160 I decided to fire up my newly serviced tractor... 775 00:41:29,480 --> 00:41:33,440 and help him out with some topping work in the fields. 776 00:41:34,400 --> 00:41:37,440 Kaleb's out in his old Lamborghini today. 777 00:41:37,600 --> 00:41:40,440 So we've got a brace of Lamborghinis on the job. 778 00:41:40,600 --> 00:41:42,000 [upbeat music] 779 00:41:42,600 --> 00:41:45,880 A job for Gerald there, look. A broken wall. 780 00:41:46,600 --> 00:41:48,160 Probably badgers. 781 00:41:49,760 --> 00:41:52,640 [Kaleb on radio] What's it like to have your tractor back then? 782 00:41:52,840 --> 00:41:56,080 [Clarkson on radio] It's so nice. And it stops when I want it to. 783 00:41:56,280 --> 00:41:58,600 Brakes are good. Power's good. 784 00:41:59,760 --> 00:42:02,840 Comfort's good. Air conditioning's working. 785 00:42:03,000 --> 00:42:06,680 [Jeremy's phone rings] 786 00:42:08,440 --> 00:42:09,520 Hello? 787 00:42:13,320 --> 00:42:15,320 Yeah. [turns tractor off] 788 00:42:16,360 --> 00:42:18,080 Hi. How's things? 789 00:42:22,120 --> 00:42:24,200 [sighing] Oh no. 790 00:42:35,960 --> 00:42:38,080 Right. Yeah. 791 00:42:38,440 --> 00:42:40,280 Is there anything you want? 792 00:42:41,760 --> 00:42:44,760 Right. Okay. Look, I'll see you later on, okay? 793 00:42:45,160 --> 00:42:47,040 All right. Take care. 794 00:42:51,800 --> 00:42:54,680 [sighs] Gerald's got cancer. 795 00:42:55,800 --> 00:42:58,280 [sighs] Oh shit. 796 00:43:04,280 --> 00:43:07,360 [credits over silence]