1 00:00:28,880 --> 00:00:30,920 It was now early April. 2 00:00:34,640 --> 00:00:37,120 And after the misery of all the pig deaths, 3 00:00:37,280 --> 00:00:40,080 the arrival of spring gave everyone 4 00:00:40,320 --> 00:00:42,120 a much-needed lift. 5 00:00:50,080 --> 00:00:51,720 Look at it! It's lovely! Yeah. 6 00:00:52,880 --> 00:00:54,160 Pig, pig, pig, pig. 7 00:01:01,680 --> 00:01:04,280 We could also now get back to the business of planting 8 00:01:04,520 --> 00:01:07,200 and growing and making food. 9 00:01:08,680 --> 00:01:10,280 So I fired up the Lambo, 10 00:01:10,480 --> 00:01:14,880 because I'd had another farming the unfarmed brainwave. 11 00:01:27,000 --> 00:01:29,600 All over the farm, there are splodges of land like this, 12 00:01:29,760 --> 00:01:31,680 an acre here, two acres there and so on, 13 00:01:31,880 --> 00:01:35,280 which, over the years, I've used to grow maize, mostly, 14 00:01:35,440 --> 00:01:36,640 which is great for the songbirds. 15 00:01:37,280 --> 00:01:40,240 It's good food for them and it's somewhere for them to hide. 16 00:01:40,440 --> 00:01:43,320 It's also been quite useful for the pheasants 17 00:01:43,480 --> 00:01:46,680 that I rear to shoot at Christmas time, but we'll gloss over that. 18 00:01:48,160 --> 00:01:51,040 But instead of maize, 19 00:01:51,240 --> 00:01:53,040 what I'm going to plant in here 20 00:01:54,080 --> 00:01:55,080 is mustard. 21 00:01:56,040 --> 00:01:59,400 Still great for the songbirds. They love eating it and hiding in it. 22 00:02:00,120 --> 00:02:02,840 And then I can turn it into English mustard 23 00:02:03,040 --> 00:02:04,720 which I can sell in the shop 24 00:02:04,880 --> 00:02:08,840 and in the burger van as an accompaniment to my pork. 25 00:02:11,120 --> 00:02:12,040 By my maths, 26 00:02:12,240 --> 00:02:15,280 this one little patch here is going to generate 27 00:02:15,440 --> 00:02:18,240 40,000 jars of mustard. 28 00:02:21,080 --> 00:02:25,280 The only problem with that is that every single bit of maths 29 00:02:25,440 --> 00:02:27,720 I've done over the last four years on the farm 30 00:02:27,880 --> 00:02:29,400 has turned out to be wrong. 31 00:02:32,440 --> 00:02:35,680 Meanwhile, Kaleb was busy in one of the other fields, 32 00:02:36,600 --> 00:02:42,160 as the soil was finally dry enough for him to plant his durum wheat. 33 00:02:43,400 --> 00:02:47,720 So, winter wheat is roughly about £340 a tonne at the moment, 34 00:02:47,880 --> 00:02:50,520 which is basically your breads and your doughs, etc. 35 00:02:50,680 --> 00:02:54,920 But this wheat is a spring crop and it's basically your pastas. 36 00:02:55,080 --> 00:02:57,040 And it's worth about £500 a tonne, 37 00:02:57,200 --> 00:02:59,280 so there's a massive difference between the two. 38 00:03:03,760 --> 00:03:06,480 I think I'm about a month late because of that March rain. 39 00:03:06,640 --> 00:03:08,160 It just never stopped raining. 40 00:03:08,320 --> 00:03:10,240 I'm hoping, fingers crossed, 41 00:03:10,400 --> 00:03:13,360 that it doesn't affect the yields and it'll be fine. 42 00:03:14,840 --> 00:03:17,520 This is fun, isn't it? Some tractor driving again. 43 00:03:17,680 --> 00:03:19,560 Yeah, I know. I like it. 44 00:03:20,640 --> 00:03:25,040 And up she goes. 45 00:03:27,080 --> 00:03:30,000 And down she goes. 46 00:03:30,360 --> 00:03:33,440 I'm just remembering my first ever attempts at cultivating, 47 00:03:33,600 --> 00:03:35,080 what, four years ago? 48 00:03:36,000 --> 00:03:38,000 Er... 49 00:03:38,840 --> 00:03:39,760 Now look at me. 50 00:03:41,720 --> 00:03:42,920 I'm learning. 51 00:03:47,440 --> 00:03:48,680 The next day, though, 52 00:03:48,880 --> 00:03:51,560 when I returned to plant the mustard seeds... 53 00:03:53,200 --> 00:03:55,560 Right, I'm drilling mustard. 54 00:03:55,760 --> 00:03:57,560 That is what I'm doing. 55 00:03:58,160 --> 00:04:02,160 I came up against my number-one irritation. 56 00:04:03,840 --> 00:04:05,240 Oh, shit. 57 00:04:05,920 --> 00:04:09,760 Absolutely no way I can see my marker. 58 00:04:10,360 --> 00:04:12,560 Well, how the bloody hell am I supposed to...? 59 00:04:14,600 --> 00:04:17,360 I've explained this a million times before, but this... 60 00:04:18,120 --> 00:04:18,880 little... 61 00:04:19,720 --> 00:04:22,560 metal beetle that I'm dragging along here 62 00:04:23,240 --> 00:04:25,320 is 3 m to the left of the tractor, 63 00:04:25,480 --> 00:04:27,360 so when I turn round and come back, 64 00:04:27,520 --> 00:04:29,480 if I keep the mark it's making 65 00:04:30,360 --> 00:04:31,920 centred on my bonnet, 66 00:04:32,080 --> 00:04:35,240 I know I'm 3 m away from the bit I've already done. 67 00:04:36,600 --> 00:04:40,360 Problem is, it's not leaving a mark. Not really. 68 00:04:44,080 --> 00:04:47,800 I'm just guessing where I've planted. I've absolutely no idea. 69 00:04:51,000 --> 00:04:53,600 It was all very tricky and annoying. 70 00:04:54,080 --> 00:04:55,480 But at least, 71 00:04:55,680 --> 00:04:58,080 time in the tractor did give me head space 72 00:04:58,240 --> 00:05:02,160 to dream up new ways of farming the unfarmed. 73 00:05:04,240 --> 00:05:06,200 And soon, I had a brainwave, 74 00:05:06,360 --> 00:05:09,240 which I was keen to share with Charlie. 75 00:05:10,200 --> 00:05:11,320 Mushrooms. 76 00:05:12,600 --> 00:05:13,360 Mushrooms? 77 00:05:13,600 --> 00:05:14,800 Mushrooms. 78 00:05:16,360 --> 00:05:17,800 Okay. Good. 79 00:05:18,000 --> 00:05:21,600 Erm... why? We've got quite a lot going on. 80 00:05:21,800 --> 00:05:25,200 Yes, we have got quite a lot going on. But this is incredibly easy. 81 00:05:25,800 --> 00:05:28,480 I've been looking into this. I've done a business plan. 82 00:05:28,640 --> 00:05:29,920 You've done a business plan? 83 00:05:30,120 --> 00:05:33,800 We get two hundred blocks. Er... bags. Okay? 84 00:05:33,960 --> 00:05:36,280 Grow bags? - Basically, yes. 85 00:05:37,320 --> 00:05:39,800 And the first time they grow... In two weeks, 86 00:05:39,960 --> 00:05:44,080 we will have 1.2 kilograms of mushrooms. 87 00:05:44,360 --> 00:05:45,160 Yep. 88 00:05:45,320 --> 00:05:46,800 Which we can sell 89 00:05:47,000 --> 00:05:51,000 for £24 per kilogram if they're grey oysters. 90 00:05:51,440 --> 00:05:55,440 And in the first flush, the profit... 91 00:05:55,600 --> 00:05:58,120 -"In the first flush?" What's a flush? - Two weeks. 92 00:05:58,280 --> 00:05:59,640 Two weeks? So first growing period. 93 00:05:59,800 --> 00:06:01,880 - The first growing period, two weeks. - Two weeks. 94 00:06:02,040 --> 00:06:04,720 £3,620. 95 00:06:06,160 --> 00:06:08,520 Okay. That's impressive. 96 00:06:08,720 --> 00:06:12,120 It is impressive. - It's almost too impressive. 97 00:06:12,320 --> 00:06:14,760 This is minusing the costs of the bags, to buy the grow bags. 98 00:06:14,920 --> 00:06:16,480 Yeah. - It's got the... 99 00:06:16,640 --> 00:06:18,400 the mushroom spores, I suppose, in already. 100 00:06:18,560 --> 00:06:19,400 Yeah. 101 00:06:19,600 --> 00:06:21,480 The second time they flush... 102 00:06:21,640 --> 00:06:23,400 So you get more than one harvest. 103 00:06:23,560 --> 00:06:26,120 The second time they flush, you get only 104 00:06:26,320 --> 00:06:28,280 350 grams per bag. 105 00:06:28,440 --> 00:06:30,400 So it goes down from 1.2 106 00:06:30,560 --> 00:06:34,280 to 350 grams. But you don't have to buy the bag again. 107 00:06:34,440 --> 00:06:36,320 So the profit drops from £3,620 108 00:06:36,520 --> 00:06:38,840 to £2,135. 109 00:06:39,000 --> 00:06:41,920 Okay. Yeah. - Yes, but it's still pretty good. 110 00:06:42,120 --> 00:06:44,840 So that's £5,700 and...? 111 00:06:45,040 --> 00:06:48,680 And then you get a third flush. Again, £2,100. 112 00:06:49,560 --> 00:06:51,480 Then you're done, your bags are done. 113 00:06:51,680 --> 00:06:54,200 - And you replace them with 200 more. - Yep. 114 00:06:54,360 --> 00:06:55,680 Bags. Blocks. - Yep. 115 00:06:55,840 --> 00:06:58,240 - So about £8,000. Yeah. 116 00:06:58,440 --> 00:07:00,520 So do you need power? - You do. 117 00:07:00,720 --> 00:07:02,360 Just a tiny bit for a little heater. 118 00:07:02,520 --> 00:07:03,920 Yeah, but you might not need very much, 119 00:07:04,080 --> 00:07:06,560 - but the cable's quite a lot of money. - Yes. 120 00:07:07,200 --> 00:07:09,720 - Who's... Are you gonna pick them? Yes. 121 00:07:09,920 --> 00:07:11,720 Where are you selling them? - In the shop. 122 00:07:11,880 --> 00:07:15,000 - You say there's a profit of £8,000. Yes! Wooden shelving. 123 00:07:15,160 --> 00:07:17,000 I'm gonna get Alan to-- - Oh, here we go. There are more costs. 124 00:07:17,160 --> 00:07:18,960 Well, of course, there are costs! 125 00:07:19,120 --> 00:07:20,600 A fogger fan: £40. 126 00:07:20,760 --> 00:07:22,800 Extraction fan for hatch: £100. 127 00:07:22,960 --> 00:07:25,640 - Grow-room lights: £60. - Yeah. Yeah. 128 00:07:25,800 --> 00:07:27,560 - Ultrasonic fogger: £160. - Yeah. 129 00:07:27,720 --> 00:07:29,920 Water hoover for cleaning: £95. 130 00:07:30,080 --> 00:07:32,480 -£455. - Which is brilliant. 131 00:07:32,640 --> 00:07:35,200 But they all run on electricity which you haven't got there. 132 00:07:36,080 --> 00:07:38,040 But I actually quite like this idea. 133 00:07:38,800 --> 00:07:40,320 You do? - I think it's quite good. 134 00:07:40,520 --> 00:07:41,800 You look at my workings out. 135 00:07:41,960 --> 00:07:45,000 I'm not gonna check your workings. I'm not a maths teacher. 136 00:07:46,080 --> 00:07:48,080 - I just... - I'm just getting a bit better now 137 00:07:48,240 --> 00:07:51,000 - at planning the costs of things... 138 00:07:51,200 --> 00:07:52,880 ...before I do something 139 00:07:53,040 --> 00:07:55,040 - rather than working out afterwards. - Yep. 140 00:07:56,120 --> 00:07:57,520 Mushroom meeting over, 141 00:07:57,680 --> 00:08:00,840 Charlie then insisted we register the piglet births 142 00:08:01,400 --> 00:08:03,560 with the government's pig police. 143 00:08:03,760 --> 00:08:05,680 And this meant deploying 144 00:08:05,880 --> 00:08:08,720 the entire Diddly Squat mathematics team. 145 00:08:11,360 --> 00:08:12,960 Well, how many piglets died in the end? 146 00:08:13,120 --> 00:08:15,880 - Two from the first one. - Three from the first one. 147 00:08:16,080 --> 00:08:17,520 Three from the first one. - No, she gave birth to ten. 148 00:08:17,680 --> 00:08:18,840 Five. - Five. 149 00:08:19,040 --> 00:08:22,320 Second sow, down here, had ten. Sat on two. 150 00:08:22,480 --> 00:08:24,800 But there are only seven remaining. 151 00:08:25,000 --> 00:08:27,840 - Are you sure she hasn't got eight? I counted eight the other day. 152 00:08:29,400 --> 00:08:30,880 We're never gonna get this done. 153 00:08:31,080 --> 00:08:34,040 We've now been an hour and we've registered one. 154 00:08:34,280 --> 00:08:35,360 Two. 155 00:08:37,920 --> 00:08:41,280 Sadly, I had to leave the maths class early, 156 00:08:41,440 --> 00:08:43,880 because I'd arranged to show Alan the Builder 157 00:08:44,040 --> 00:08:47,240 the site I'd earmarked for my mushroom operation. 158 00:08:51,120 --> 00:08:52,880 Right, so mushroom production. 159 00:08:53,080 --> 00:08:54,960 There's this place, which you can't even see. 160 00:08:56,080 --> 00:08:58,480 Not brilliant, no. - This is the old pumping house 161 00:08:58,640 --> 00:08:59,640 - for the farm. Yes. 162 00:08:59,840 --> 00:09:02,440 150 years ago? - Victorian pumping station, yeah. 163 00:09:02,640 --> 00:09:03,720 Good God! 164 00:09:03,880 --> 00:09:06,600 Easy repair job for you. - Fucking hell! 165 00:09:06,760 --> 00:09:07,840 Not a prayer. 166 00:09:08,000 --> 00:09:10,960 And the perfect mushroom-growing facility. 167 00:09:11,120 --> 00:09:13,840 No. It's dangerous. - What do you mean "no"? 168 00:09:14,040 --> 00:09:16,520 What's dangerous? - The lot will fall down on somebody. 169 00:09:16,640 --> 00:09:17,480 It won't! 170 00:09:17,640 --> 00:09:19,000 Go and jump on it! 171 00:09:19,200 --> 00:09:21,320 That old barrelled arch, look, they've put soil on the top. 172 00:09:21,520 --> 00:09:24,040 Anybody puts any weight on there, that'll just collapse. 173 00:09:24,200 --> 00:09:25,240 Yeah, we can't do that. 174 00:09:25,440 --> 00:09:28,760 Are you familiar with Brunel's Maidenhead Bridge? 175 00:09:28,880 --> 00:09:29,720 Who? 176 00:09:29,880 --> 00:09:32,080 No, mate. Look, it's rotten. Look. 177 00:09:33,000 --> 00:09:34,160 No, you... - Yeah, but I-- 178 00:09:34,320 --> 00:09:37,120 Don't pull things over. - But it's gonna fall over very shortly. 179 00:09:37,280 --> 00:09:39,080 - It's gonna be in this stream. But it's... 180 00:09:39,280 --> 00:09:41,840 Look at all those arches in cathedrals from the 12th century! 181 00:09:42,000 --> 00:09:43,480 And there's all this shit everywhere in our way. 182 00:09:44,000 --> 00:09:45,280 - Don't get me wrong. I can do it. Yeah. 183 00:09:45,440 --> 00:09:47,480 It's just gonna cost an absolute fortune. 184 00:09:48,120 --> 00:09:50,280 I've never heard so many negative waves. 185 00:09:50,440 --> 00:09:51,440 Fuckin' hell. 186 00:09:51,640 --> 00:09:54,080 We'll be growing mushrooms the rest of our lives and still make no money. 187 00:09:54,760 --> 00:09:56,640 - All right. Come on then. Sorry, boss. 188 00:09:58,200 --> 00:10:00,520 I then took him to a backup site: 189 00:10:01,240 --> 00:10:02,520 an underground bunker 190 00:10:02,720 --> 00:10:07,520 at the top end of the farm on land which had once been an airfield. 191 00:10:08,760 --> 00:10:11,080 I think it's an air-raid shelter, personally. 192 00:10:11,280 --> 00:10:13,520 It was an American bomber base in the Second World War. 193 00:10:13,760 --> 00:10:15,160 Yeah. We'll see. 194 00:10:15,720 --> 00:10:18,440 - What I was saying to you-- - This is going to be a mushroom facility. 195 00:10:18,600 --> 00:10:21,280 - But look here. - Our security needs beefing up. 196 00:10:21,440 --> 00:10:23,600 Well, where is Gerald? - I'm gonna put a sign. Yes, quite. 197 00:10:23,760 --> 00:10:25,440 - He's getting better. Yeah, he is. 198 00:10:25,600 --> 00:10:28,040 - 'Cause he's having radiotherapy. Yeah, he is. 199 00:10:28,200 --> 00:10:29,520 We need some light. 200 00:10:32,320 --> 00:10:34,080 - Is that concrete? Yes, it's concrete. 201 00:10:34,240 --> 00:10:36,640 - Yeah, you can see the bars, look. Oh yeah. 202 00:10:37,520 --> 00:10:40,480 Well, the sceptics will have overdone it. There'll be concrete be this thick. 203 00:10:40,640 --> 00:10:41,720 They will have done. 204 00:10:42,200 --> 00:10:44,880 I mean, it's obviously a lot bigger than the pumping house. 205 00:10:45,120 --> 00:10:46,400 Easy access. - Yeah. 206 00:10:46,520 --> 00:10:48,600 - Don't need planning permission. No it's already here. 207 00:10:48,760 --> 00:10:51,280 So, listen. This ain't big money, is it? 208 00:10:51,480 --> 00:10:52,760 Dunno. - No! 209 00:10:53,400 --> 00:10:55,040 - No! What's not big money? 210 00:10:55,200 --> 00:10:56,600 Rough guess? 211 00:10:56,760 --> 00:10:59,560 Oh, you... He always does this to me. 212 00:11:00,040 --> 00:11:01,040 Fucking hell. 213 00:11:01,200 --> 00:11:04,320 Well, it's one of those things that is kind of normal, 214 00:11:04,480 --> 00:11:06,920 to ask a builder how much something's likely to-- 215 00:11:07,080 --> 00:11:09,160 Yeah, but I've only looked at it two minutes ago. 216 00:11:09,360 --> 00:11:11,080 Let's just say we could do it for less than ten grand. 217 00:11:11,240 --> 00:11:12,040 Oh! 218 00:11:12,240 --> 00:11:14,440 Now that's a bargain! - Well, that would be good. 219 00:11:14,600 --> 00:11:17,080 Honestly, we'd turn this round in a week, wouldn't we? 220 00:11:18,360 --> 00:11:21,080 - I've never heard builders... We'll have you up and running. 221 00:11:21,240 --> 00:11:23,760 "I can do it in a week and for less than ten grand." 222 00:11:23,920 --> 00:11:25,480 - Nobody's ever heard this. - Listen. 223 00:11:25,640 --> 00:11:28,400 By the time I've started work, you'll be able to advertise them down the shop. 224 00:11:28,560 --> 00:11:29,680 That's how quick I'll be. 225 00:11:32,960 --> 00:11:34,880 As Alan went off to get supplies, 226 00:11:35,080 --> 00:11:38,280 I started work on another brainwave I'd had. 227 00:11:39,200 --> 00:11:40,280 Nettles. 228 00:11:41,360 --> 00:11:44,000 The woods were literally carpeted with them. 229 00:11:46,160 --> 00:11:50,200 And I'd decided they could be used to make soup. 230 00:11:52,160 --> 00:11:54,240 All right, Lucca? - How's it going? 231 00:11:54,400 --> 00:11:57,640 Lucca is Diddly Squat's Swiss Army knife. 232 00:11:57,800 --> 00:11:59,520 He's a racing driver, 233 00:11:59,680 --> 00:12:01,880 he works at the farm shop, 234 00:12:02,080 --> 00:12:06,000 and he comes from a famous Irish cooking dynasty. 235 00:12:07,840 --> 00:12:09,320 Right, so, nettle soup. 236 00:12:09,520 --> 00:12:12,280 Lucca actually made some for me about... When was it? Last year? 237 00:12:12,440 --> 00:12:14,360 Yes. - About the nicest thing 238 00:12:14,520 --> 00:12:16,120 I've ever put in my mouth. 239 00:12:16,760 --> 00:12:17,880 It was stunning. 240 00:12:18,680 --> 00:12:22,560 All the ingredients we need are here. Potatoes, onions, we've got here. 241 00:12:22,760 --> 00:12:24,240 What else do you need? 242 00:12:24,400 --> 00:12:27,120 So we've got nettles. We've got onions. We've got spuds. 243 00:12:27,920 --> 00:12:29,000 Salt, pepper, 244 00:12:29,160 --> 00:12:31,440 chicken stock, cream and butter. 245 00:12:31,600 --> 00:12:33,040 And that's it? - Yeah. 246 00:12:36,240 --> 00:12:38,080 Once Lucca had finished cooking, 247 00:12:38,240 --> 00:12:41,600 I just needed someone with a sophisticated palate 248 00:12:42,240 --> 00:12:43,520 to taste it. 249 00:12:44,880 --> 00:12:47,680 You've never had nettle soup? I've never had nettle soup. 250 00:12:47,840 --> 00:12:49,040 I mean, look at the colour of that. 251 00:12:49,920 --> 00:12:51,960 The colour is unbelievable. 252 00:12:52,120 --> 00:12:53,440 It's a good, thick soup as well, 253 00:12:53,640 --> 00:12:55,280 so with some of our sourdough, it'll go great. 254 00:12:55,480 --> 00:12:56,800 Mm. 255 00:12:57,280 --> 00:12:58,640 Christ. That's good. 256 00:12:58,840 --> 00:13:01,200 Wow! - It's properly good, isn't it? 257 00:13:01,360 --> 00:13:03,960 Mate! You can cook! 258 00:13:04,160 --> 00:13:05,200 Wow! 259 00:13:05,360 --> 00:13:09,240 And the funny thing is, nobody knows what a nettle tastes like. 260 00:13:09,440 --> 00:13:12,360 What does it taste like? - But you know it's a nettle. 261 00:13:12,520 --> 00:13:15,240 In the aftertaste you should get a bit of a nettle kind of taste. 262 00:13:15,400 --> 00:13:16,200 It's lovely. 263 00:13:16,400 --> 00:13:17,640 Mm. 264 00:13:17,840 --> 00:13:19,920 You'd sell this at the shop. I mean... 265 00:13:20,680 --> 00:13:23,120 That's the only thing that worries me about our board now. 266 00:13:23,280 --> 00:13:24,520 If you make a lot of that... 267 00:13:26,240 --> 00:13:28,800 We've got to get that in the shop. 268 00:13:28,960 --> 00:13:32,320 - That is going to be our next big thing. Yeah. 269 00:13:32,480 --> 00:13:34,000 I'm gonna spray them all off so you can't do it. 270 00:13:34,160 --> 00:13:36,840 No you're not. 271 00:13:38,280 --> 00:13:39,920 With the tasting completed, 272 00:13:40,080 --> 00:13:43,760 I borrowed some serious harvesting fire power 273 00:13:43,920 --> 00:13:46,240 and headed off into the woods. 274 00:13:49,120 --> 00:13:50,840 I found this, 275 00:13:51,560 --> 00:13:54,240 which is used for harvesting tea. 276 00:13:57,720 --> 00:14:02,600 It's basically like a hedge clipper, yeah? 277 00:14:03,720 --> 00:14:07,720 This is a fan that blows the leaves into the bag. 278 00:14:07,880 --> 00:14:08,920 And then, 279 00:14:09,080 --> 00:14:10,840 if an alien comes, 280 00:14:11,280 --> 00:14:13,560 I can do a Sigourney Weaver on it. 281 00:14:15,880 --> 00:14:16,680 Right. 282 00:14:19,160 --> 00:14:20,200 Harvesting! 283 00:14:26,120 --> 00:14:27,440 Oh no. 284 00:14:27,800 --> 00:14:31,320 What I've done is I've harvested my own collection sack. 285 00:14:31,680 --> 00:14:34,480 That's plainly not supposed to have happened. 286 00:14:34,840 --> 00:14:35,760 Oh, dear. 287 00:14:37,000 --> 00:14:39,160 Oh, God. It hit me in the face. 288 00:14:40,720 --> 00:14:42,120 Oh... 289 00:14:46,800 --> 00:14:49,560 Right. I'm attached to a tree and my bag's stuck in the... 290 00:14:51,200 --> 00:14:52,760 Oh! Fucking hell. 291 00:14:55,400 --> 00:14:56,280 Ow. 292 00:14:57,480 --> 00:14:58,840 Bloody hell. 293 00:15:03,320 --> 00:15:04,680 For fuck's sake. 294 00:15:10,480 --> 00:15:11,600 I stuck at it 295 00:15:11,800 --> 00:15:14,680 until my ageing body could take no more. 296 00:15:15,720 --> 00:15:16,960 Oh, my back. 297 00:15:19,600 --> 00:15:23,200 And then, I headed back to the farm with my loot... 298 00:15:24,040 --> 00:15:26,640 Lovely. Hundreds and hundreds of them. 299 00:15:28,160 --> 00:15:30,520 ...where, it turned out, there was a problem. 300 00:15:32,280 --> 00:15:35,880 Lucca had said he only wanted young, sweet nettles. 301 00:15:36,880 --> 00:15:40,000 But my machine hadn't got the memo. 302 00:15:41,320 --> 00:15:46,040 I think it's harvested grass, blackberries, trees, 303 00:15:46,240 --> 00:15:47,440 buildings. 304 00:15:47,600 --> 00:15:49,960 The best way to get nettles picked, if you want nettles picked, 305 00:15:50,120 --> 00:15:51,840 is a few young lads there from the farm shop. 306 00:15:53,920 --> 00:15:56,200 Do you think the kids in the shop will go and pick nettles? 307 00:15:56,360 --> 00:15:58,080 Yeah. Definitely. 308 00:15:58,720 --> 00:15:59,960 Pay them £8.50 an hour. 309 00:16:00,120 --> 00:16:02,080 But that brings me onto the costings. 310 00:16:02,280 --> 00:16:04,360 So to make 200 jars, 311 00:16:04,560 --> 00:16:08,120 - we've got to spend £38 on butter. Okay. 312 00:16:08,280 --> 00:16:10,840 -£77 on cream. Right. 313 00:16:11,040 --> 00:16:13,160 The nettles are free. Well, they... 314 00:16:13,840 --> 00:16:17,400 But not if I have to start paying someone to go and pick them. 315 00:16:17,960 --> 00:16:20,400 Potatoes, they're £6.40. 316 00:16:20,600 --> 00:16:24,600 Stock, which we bought from the supermarket: £67. 317 00:16:25,120 --> 00:16:27,120 And the containers are £120. 318 00:16:27,280 --> 00:16:28,640 Labels will be £50. 319 00:16:28,800 --> 00:16:31,040 Now, I reckon we can sell them for a fiver each. 320 00:16:31,200 --> 00:16:32,000 Easily. 321 00:16:32,160 --> 00:16:33,960 You reckon? - Oh yeah. Big time. 322 00:16:34,160 --> 00:16:37,760 Sadly, before we had a chance to finish the calculations, 323 00:16:37,920 --> 00:16:40,960 Mister Rules and Regulations arrived... 324 00:16:41,120 --> 00:16:41,960 Hello. 325 00:16:42,160 --> 00:16:45,120 ...to make his usual tiresome contribution. 326 00:16:46,040 --> 00:16:49,080 Has he got his Environmental Health? 327 00:16:49,280 --> 00:16:50,400 - Lucca? Yeah? 328 00:16:50,560 --> 00:16:52,240 Have you got your Environmental Health... 329 00:16:52,400 --> 00:16:53,920 Certificate. - Certificate? 330 00:16:54,080 --> 00:16:55,120 Yeah, yeah. 331 00:16:55,480 --> 00:16:56,480 That sounded like... 332 00:16:56,640 --> 00:16:59,080 It's almost like Lisa said, "Yes, yes." 333 00:17:00,320 --> 00:17:04,480 Do they teach you in Ireland how to say, "Yeah, yeah" when you mean "no"? 334 00:17:04,640 --> 00:17:07,480 I'm convinced in Ireland there's actual lessons 335 00:17:07,600 --> 00:17:10,480 where you go, "When someone asks you a question and the answer is 'no', 336 00:17:10,640 --> 00:17:12,880 - say 'yes' but say it like this." Twice! 337 00:17:13,040 --> 00:17:14,160 -"Yeah, yeah." "Yeah, yeah." 338 00:17:14,320 --> 00:17:15,080 -"Yeah, yeah." -"Yeah, yeah." 339 00:17:15,280 --> 00:17:16,760 Have you actually got it? 340 00:17:16,920 --> 00:17:18,680 Er, yeah, no. In fact... 341 00:17:18,800 --> 00:17:21,760 "Yeah, no!" Okay! There's a variation on a theme! 342 00:17:22,440 --> 00:17:23,760 What goes in your nettle soup? 343 00:17:23,960 --> 00:17:26,760 - Butter, cream... Yeah. What we're-- 344 00:17:26,960 --> 00:17:28,800 Okay, so, you'll need to put a "best before" label on it. 345 00:17:28,960 --> 00:17:29,800 Yeah. 346 00:17:29,960 --> 00:17:32,000 - You haven't thought about that? - Yeah, yeah. 347 00:17:32,160 --> 00:17:33,640 - Yeah, no. 348 00:17:33,800 --> 00:17:34,680 Yeah, yeah. 349 00:17:34,800 --> 00:17:35,640 I'm learning. 350 00:17:37,640 --> 00:17:40,520 Leaving Lucca to get on with the soup operation, 351 00:17:41,080 --> 00:17:44,880 I went off to the wild-farmed wheat and bean field 352 00:17:45,040 --> 00:17:48,080 to do chemistry with Andy Cato. 353 00:17:49,440 --> 00:17:50,520 This is a Brix test, 354 00:17:51,760 --> 00:17:54,080 which is gonna measure the amount of sugar 355 00:17:54,320 --> 00:17:56,520 in whatever plant we test. 356 00:17:57,160 --> 00:17:59,760 So what we're gonna do is gather some leaves, 357 00:18:00,560 --> 00:18:01,800 put them in the garlic crusher, 358 00:18:02,000 --> 00:18:05,080 squeeze a bit of liquid onto that lens and see what it says. 359 00:18:06,400 --> 00:18:07,320 You wanna give it a whirl? 360 00:18:07,480 --> 00:18:10,080 When I thought I'd be a farmer I never thought: 361 00:18:10,280 --> 00:18:13,760 "Oh, I need a garlic crusher, for sure, and a microscope." 362 00:18:15,440 --> 00:18:17,800 Grab some leaves. You need more than you think. 363 00:18:18,920 --> 00:18:19,760 Right. 364 00:18:21,320 --> 00:18:22,320 There we go. 365 00:18:22,960 --> 00:18:25,560 Back at school now. - Every day's a school day. 366 00:18:25,760 --> 00:18:27,880 So have a look through there, towards the sun. 367 00:18:28,440 --> 00:18:31,800 And you should see a blue bit and a white bit. 368 00:18:33,640 --> 00:18:35,640 Just above five. I'm gonna say six? 369 00:18:35,800 --> 00:18:36,560 Six. 370 00:18:37,280 --> 00:18:41,240 That level of Brix means that the plants haven't got all the nutrients they need. 371 00:18:42,080 --> 00:18:45,200 So we'll do a sap test, which is kind of like a blood test for a plant. 372 00:18:46,320 --> 00:18:49,200 And the point is obviously not to just go for the pretty ones. 373 00:18:49,400 --> 00:18:51,480 Just walk in a straight line and take what's in front of you. 374 00:18:51,640 --> 00:18:52,480 I've got you. 375 00:18:54,760 --> 00:18:55,560 All right? 376 00:18:55,760 --> 00:18:57,800 Perfect. I'll get these off to the lab. 377 00:19:00,560 --> 00:19:02,160 When the tests came back, 378 00:19:02,320 --> 00:19:05,680 I was away filming again for The Grand Tour. 379 00:19:05,800 --> 00:19:10,080 So, Charlie and Kaleb had to discuss the results with Andy. 380 00:19:11,960 --> 00:19:13,560 Test results show... 381 00:19:14,560 --> 00:19:15,680 Reveal. 382 00:19:17,320 --> 00:19:18,240 Erm... 383 00:19:18,400 --> 00:19:21,560 Blue's good. Green's good. Red is bad. 384 00:19:21,960 --> 00:19:23,520 Magnesium. Magnesium. 385 00:19:24,320 --> 00:19:27,320 So, to get the crops sort of, 386 00:19:27,560 --> 00:19:29,560 - you know, balanced out... Balanced out. 387 00:19:29,760 --> 00:19:31,200 We need to put some magnesium on them. 388 00:19:31,680 --> 00:19:35,440 Luckily, we can put that on in a very simple form. 389 00:19:37,000 --> 00:19:38,320 Epsom salts. 390 00:19:38,480 --> 00:19:41,480 Bath salts. - Bath salts. Literally. 391 00:19:41,680 --> 00:19:43,920 But I thought we wasn't putting anything on this. 392 00:19:44,080 --> 00:19:45,920 - I thought we was just gonna leave it. No, no, no. 393 00:19:46,080 --> 00:19:48,680 We can't just leave it because we can't just sort of hope 394 00:19:48,800 --> 00:19:49,960 that the soil is at a point 395 00:19:50,080 --> 00:19:52,240 where it can provide the crop with everything that it needs. 396 00:19:52,400 --> 00:19:55,720 And when things are lacking, we use a natural nutritional product, 397 00:19:55,880 --> 00:19:57,640 like bath salts in this case, 398 00:19:57,800 --> 00:19:59,440 - to put it right. - I see. 399 00:20:01,240 --> 00:20:03,440 I'm not sure he did see, 400 00:20:03,640 --> 00:20:09,000 judging by the amount of moaning he did while applying the bath salts. 401 00:20:11,320 --> 00:20:12,480 My wheat looks better. 402 00:20:12,960 --> 00:20:14,560 Why is it so patchy? 403 00:20:14,800 --> 00:20:16,280 Really green and then like... 404 00:20:17,800 --> 00:20:18,880 And really thin there. 405 00:20:19,560 --> 00:20:22,760 Moaning which carried on even after he'd finished. 406 00:20:23,800 --> 00:20:24,800 All right? 407 00:20:25,520 --> 00:20:28,240 I mean, he comes over, tells me, 408 00:20:28,400 --> 00:20:30,800 as a farmer, what to do, you, what to do. 409 00:20:30,960 --> 00:20:34,320 I don't go to his house and say he needs a guitar in a certain song. 410 00:20:34,560 --> 00:20:35,640 I'm not sure he's telling us what to do. 411 00:20:35,800 --> 00:20:39,080 I think he's giving us the background of his ideas 412 00:20:39,240 --> 00:20:41,040 and how they want to grow stuff. 413 00:20:41,200 --> 00:20:42,080 It annoys me. 414 00:20:42,240 --> 00:20:44,480 Is that because it's a different way of doing things? 415 00:20:44,680 --> 00:20:47,920 As a farmer, I don't like change. I think every farmer don't like change. 416 00:20:48,440 --> 00:20:50,080 I hate this field now. 417 00:20:52,960 --> 00:20:55,320 When I came back from my filming trip, 418 00:20:55,480 --> 00:20:59,200 I decided we should get on with the dam repairs. 419 00:20:59,320 --> 00:21:02,520 And, to stop the arguing this usually caused, 420 00:21:02,680 --> 00:21:05,880 Kaleb and I said we should "transition." 421 00:21:06,800 --> 00:21:08,560 - Remember, when you put this on... - Yeah? 422 00:21:08,760 --> 00:21:09,960 We are construction workers. 423 00:21:10,080 --> 00:21:11,560 - Right. Not farmers. - Exactly. 424 00:21:12,560 --> 00:21:14,080 So I'm now perfectly safe. 425 00:21:14,320 --> 00:21:15,560 Like a cup of tea? 426 00:21:15,760 --> 00:21:16,800 - Tea break? - Yeah. 427 00:21:17,280 --> 00:21:18,560 Ten o'clock. Tea. 428 00:21:18,880 --> 00:21:20,080 - All right. 429 00:21:20,240 --> 00:21:21,800 All right. Tea break. Then what? 430 00:21:22,040 --> 00:21:23,040 We roll a fag. 431 00:21:23,560 --> 00:21:26,000 Then another tea break when we smoke the cigarette? 432 00:21:26,200 --> 00:21:28,880 No, no, no, no. No. Don't smoke the cigarette on your tea break. 433 00:21:29,040 --> 00:21:31,160 You have your tea and then smoke it when you start work again. 434 00:21:31,320 --> 00:21:34,720 So anyone in construction's going to be very angry with us for saying this. 435 00:21:34,880 --> 00:21:36,640 I don't think so. I think they understand. I think they know. 436 00:21:36,800 --> 00:21:38,040 They know exactly what they're doing. 437 00:21:40,920 --> 00:21:44,320 Job one was to drop some clay off at the side of the dam. 438 00:21:45,960 --> 00:21:47,720 Oh, God strewth. 439 00:21:53,720 --> 00:21:54,600 Er... 440 00:21:55,160 --> 00:21:56,040 What? 441 00:21:57,320 --> 00:21:58,160 What? 442 00:21:59,120 --> 00:22:00,960 A little bit of clay went in there. 443 00:22:01,160 --> 00:22:03,000 A little bit? 444 00:22:04,320 --> 00:22:07,080 - We'd better discuss that. Over a cup of tea! 445 00:22:21,000 --> 00:22:23,680 Who've we got tomorrow? Is it West Brom? No. 446 00:22:23,840 --> 00:22:24,680 Who, Chelsea? 447 00:22:24,840 --> 00:22:26,200 No. Brentford. 448 00:22:26,400 --> 00:22:28,400 You're gonna lose that. - Oh I know we are. 449 00:22:28,560 --> 00:22:29,840 I think we could be relegated. 450 00:22:30,000 --> 00:22:32,560 I think we're gonna meet Wrexham coming the other way. 451 00:22:32,720 --> 00:22:35,360 You may as well join them. Get in for the fame. Ryan Reynolds. 452 00:22:35,520 --> 00:22:37,400 Fucking hell, we've got Chadlington now. 453 00:22:37,600 --> 00:22:40,280 I was with him in the pub, actually, on Saturday night. 454 00:22:40,440 --> 00:22:42,160 They'd just won. They won on Saturday. 455 00:22:42,320 --> 00:22:45,040 This guy come up to me and he was like, "I could beat you in arm wrestle." 456 00:22:45,200 --> 00:22:46,280 - Oh, I saw that. - Really? 457 00:22:46,440 --> 00:22:48,360 -"I could beat you in arm wrestle-" - But you beat him. 458 00:22:48,520 --> 00:22:51,240 I said, "All right, if I beat you, you buy me a pint. 459 00:22:51,400 --> 00:22:53,320 If I beat you I'll buy you a pint." 460 00:22:56,480 --> 00:22:58,520 I know someone who married 461 00:22:58,680 --> 00:23:00,600 his step-mother's sister, 462 00:23:00,920 --> 00:23:04,160 which made it... I think it made him his own uncle. 463 00:23:05,040 --> 00:23:07,400 Yeah, he became his own uncle. 464 00:23:16,560 --> 00:23:17,880 - Finished? - Yeah. 465 00:23:18,040 --> 00:23:19,080 Let's roll a fag. 466 00:23:21,720 --> 00:23:25,280 The next job was to set up the laser to get the right levels, 467 00:23:25,760 --> 00:23:27,040 and then remove the pipe... 468 00:23:27,240 --> 00:23:28,520 No. Wow. 469 00:23:28,680 --> 00:23:30,720 ...so we could pack in the clay. 470 00:23:31,880 --> 00:23:32,800 Yeah. 471 00:23:33,400 --> 00:23:35,080 But before we could do that, 472 00:23:35,280 --> 00:23:38,640 we had to reduce the water level in the pond. 473 00:23:39,200 --> 00:23:40,480 The problem we've got... 474 00:23:40,640 --> 00:23:42,040 That's the overflow pipe, 475 00:23:42,240 --> 00:23:43,840 which you can just see there, 476 00:23:44,000 --> 00:23:47,000 and it's obviously blocked because there's hardly anything coming out 477 00:23:47,200 --> 00:23:48,800 at the other end down there. 478 00:23:49,840 --> 00:23:51,840 If we can get that clear with some rods, 479 00:23:52,040 --> 00:23:53,880 that will take a lot of the water, 480 00:23:54,440 --> 00:23:58,440 which will reduce the amount of water going through the dam site. 481 00:23:59,400 --> 00:24:02,880 This meant Kaleb had to get into another gimp suit. 482 00:24:05,520 --> 00:24:07,800 That's deep. - It's just silty. It's all right. 483 00:24:07,960 --> 00:24:10,480 That's deep. - It's only seven feet of it. 484 00:24:12,400 --> 00:24:14,880 I never thought I'd be doing sewage work. 485 00:24:18,240 --> 00:24:19,880 I think that-- There it is. 486 00:24:20,040 --> 00:24:21,840 Is it running faster? 487 00:24:23,360 --> 00:24:25,360 No. That's hardly made a difference. 488 00:24:25,520 --> 00:24:27,320 It's still got a blockage in there, mate. 489 00:24:29,280 --> 00:24:31,520 We tried unblocking it from the other end. 490 00:24:37,280 --> 00:24:39,080 But that didn't work either. 491 00:24:39,680 --> 00:24:40,560 No. 492 00:24:41,440 --> 00:24:44,080 So, there was only one thing we could do. 493 00:24:51,960 --> 00:24:54,720 What if we squirted a fire extinguisher down it? 494 00:24:55,400 --> 00:24:56,400 That wouldn't work, would it? 495 00:24:56,560 --> 00:24:58,840 It would massively increase the pressure, wouldn't it? 496 00:24:59,280 --> 00:25:01,600 Yeah, but I don't think it would... A fire extinguisher? 497 00:25:02,000 --> 00:25:05,440 Hey! You remember that pump I bought for irrigating... 498 00:25:05,600 --> 00:25:06,440 The trout lake! 499 00:25:06,600 --> 00:25:07,920 Yeah, the trout lake. 500 00:25:08,120 --> 00:25:11,000 You remember I bought that pump which was useless? 501 00:25:11,160 --> 00:25:12,000 Well, it was too powerful. 502 00:25:12,200 --> 00:25:14,400 - Yeah. If we squirted that down there, 503 00:25:14,560 --> 00:25:15,640 that would blow anything out. 504 00:25:16,280 --> 00:25:17,200 Yeah. 505 00:25:17,880 --> 00:25:22,280 See, if you just take a moment over a cup of tea. 506 00:25:22,720 --> 00:25:24,200 We've had about 18 today. 507 00:25:26,600 --> 00:25:27,400 Wow. 508 00:25:34,880 --> 00:25:37,000 Get it in there. 509 00:25:37,200 --> 00:25:39,280 - Fucking hell! Good. 510 00:25:44,040 --> 00:25:45,120 Shit. 511 00:25:45,720 --> 00:25:47,880 Take that end off, let the air go out that end, 512 00:25:48,080 --> 00:25:49,240 then I might be able to take it back out again. 513 00:25:49,440 --> 00:25:51,640 - Why don't I just do the little...? The little nut at the top. 514 00:25:52,760 --> 00:25:55,720 - Oh! Fucking hell! 515 00:25:56,200 --> 00:25:57,080 Let's try again. 516 00:26:00,160 --> 00:26:01,560 No! 517 00:26:10,000 --> 00:26:11,360 I can't do it. 518 00:26:14,480 --> 00:26:16,960 Well, there's nothing I can think we can do. 519 00:26:17,120 --> 00:26:17,960 Yeah, I know. 520 00:26:19,080 --> 00:26:22,240 Right. So what we've achieved today is... 521 00:26:23,280 --> 00:26:24,400 nothing. 522 00:26:27,320 --> 00:26:29,120 Get me out of these things. 523 00:26:30,000 --> 00:26:31,840 No. Wait. We've gone backwards. 524 00:26:32,000 --> 00:26:36,400 We've taken the big black pipe out of the trench 525 00:26:37,200 --> 00:26:38,920 and then left it there. 526 00:26:40,800 --> 00:26:41,720 What's the time? 527 00:26:41,920 --> 00:26:43,000 Five? Five-thirty? 528 00:26:43,160 --> 00:26:45,760 Christ. Construction and we're still working? 529 00:26:45,960 --> 00:26:46,960 That's a good point. 530 00:26:47,120 --> 00:26:48,960 We should have been finished three hours ago. 531 00:26:49,160 --> 00:26:50,840 Let's go. 532 00:26:54,440 --> 00:26:55,320 The next day, 533 00:26:55,520 --> 00:26:57,640 Kaleb and I became farmers again 534 00:26:57,800 --> 00:26:59,640 and went for a crop walk 535 00:27:00,360 --> 00:27:02,760 in one of the barley fields. 536 00:27:03,600 --> 00:27:04,720 All this... 537 00:27:04,920 --> 00:27:07,000 Yeah? - Will be lager. 538 00:27:07,360 --> 00:27:08,960 Looks good this year, dunnit? 539 00:27:09,120 --> 00:27:12,160 How many acres have we put in there of spring barley? 540 00:27:12,360 --> 00:27:13,800 Here? You'll probably get about 300 tonnes. 541 00:27:13,960 --> 00:27:15,600 So 300 tonnes of spring barley. 542 00:27:15,760 --> 00:27:17,200 How much does that make in terms of pints? 543 00:27:17,360 --> 00:27:19,000 It's lots. 544 00:27:19,160 --> 00:27:22,080 Where's that come from? I have no idea. 545 00:27:22,240 --> 00:27:23,560 But it doesn't wanna be there. 546 00:27:23,760 --> 00:27:24,840 Wanna carry that one out? 547 00:27:26,280 --> 00:27:27,520 If it hits the combine header... 548 00:27:27,680 --> 00:27:28,720 Yeah. 549 00:27:29,760 --> 00:27:31,720 Our pet stones. Our pet rocks. 550 00:27:32,200 --> 00:27:33,320 Mine's called Ronald. 551 00:27:33,480 --> 00:27:34,760 Mine's called Donald. 552 00:27:35,400 --> 00:27:36,360 Anyway. 553 00:27:38,080 --> 00:27:39,680 - Ahem. What? 554 00:27:40,200 --> 00:27:43,080 Well you've missed again. 555 00:27:43,240 --> 00:27:45,080 It's a little bit thinner, admittedly, but... 556 00:27:45,240 --> 00:27:47,840 I thought after last year with "Kaleb's Crack"... 557 00:27:48,000 --> 00:27:49,200 Oh, come on! 558 00:27:49,400 --> 00:27:51,040 There's about 60 pints 559 00:27:51,640 --> 00:27:53,000 of Hawkstone lost. 560 00:27:53,840 --> 00:27:56,040 You're no one to talk. 561 00:27:56,200 --> 00:27:58,760 What? - You can't say this to me. 562 00:27:59,120 --> 00:28:01,360 Really? Why? - Have you seen Louse? 563 00:28:01,560 --> 00:28:03,600 - Not recently. I think we should go up there. 564 00:28:05,200 --> 00:28:07,800 All right. You are free, stone. 565 00:28:09,120 --> 00:28:10,840 Kaleb then took me to Louse, 566 00:28:11,000 --> 00:28:13,800 the field where I'd planted my mustard... 567 00:28:14,440 --> 00:28:15,840 and let rip. 568 00:28:16,680 --> 00:28:18,200 So, look, you started drilling here. 569 00:28:18,360 --> 00:28:20,720 That's where we started, yeah? Lovely lines. 570 00:28:20,880 --> 00:28:23,360 You can see the mustard coming up. 571 00:28:23,520 --> 00:28:25,040 Yeah. - And then you come along. 572 00:28:26,880 --> 00:28:28,440 Fucking great miss. 573 00:28:28,840 --> 00:28:30,320 But don't worry about it. Just keep coming. 574 00:28:30,880 --> 00:28:32,640 Beautiful lines there, look. 575 00:28:33,640 --> 00:28:35,200 Oh, look, another miss. 576 00:28:36,120 --> 00:28:38,960 And then: "Oh, fucking hell, I may as well just miss this bit as well. 577 00:28:39,120 --> 00:28:40,000 What's the point of drilling that?" 578 00:28:40,840 --> 00:28:42,960 It's those bloody arms that come out. 579 00:28:43,120 --> 00:28:47,160 An earwig would leave a more noticeable trace if it walked across the field. 580 00:28:48,040 --> 00:28:49,960 I knew when I was doing it. 581 00:28:50,120 --> 00:28:52,080 But I thought I was going over everything twice 582 00:28:52,240 --> 00:28:54,040 rather than missing bits. 583 00:28:56,720 --> 00:28:58,000 Well, you fucked up. 584 00:29:02,400 --> 00:29:04,880 Happily, my soup enterprise 585 00:29:05,080 --> 00:29:06,800 was proving to be more successful. 586 00:29:07,520 --> 00:29:10,720 Lucca had rounded up some youths to pick the nettles, 587 00:29:12,320 --> 00:29:14,000 cooked up a big batch, 588 00:29:14,480 --> 00:29:18,480 and dealt with Charlie's best before date issues. 589 00:29:18,920 --> 00:29:23,160 But then, when I sat down to finally work out the pricing, 590 00:29:23,360 --> 00:29:25,760 everything went a bit wrong. 591 00:29:34,400 --> 00:29:36,440 Oh, God. This is... 592 00:29:39,760 --> 00:29:41,280 Jesus. 593 00:29:42,240 --> 00:29:43,520 I headed up to the shop 594 00:29:43,680 --> 00:29:47,760 knowing that I had to go on a charm offensive with Lisa. 595 00:29:50,400 --> 00:29:51,960 Hello! - Look what I have brought! 596 00:29:52,160 --> 00:29:54,040 - Woodland Juice! - Oh, my God. 597 00:29:54,200 --> 00:29:57,080 - Chilled nettle soup. - Oh wow. 598 00:29:58,040 --> 00:29:59,520 Woodland Juice. I love the name. 599 00:29:59,680 --> 00:30:02,920 Yes, Woodland Juice. Chilled and delicious. 600 00:30:03,080 --> 00:30:03,880 Wow. 601 00:30:04,080 --> 00:30:07,080 Yeah. The only slight problem with that 602 00:30:07,280 --> 00:30:10,080 is that you have got to convince the customers 603 00:30:10,680 --> 00:30:12,640 to put nettles in their mouths 604 00:30:13,400 --> 00:30:14,680 and pay 605 00:30:15,160 --> 00:30:17,280 £10 for the privilege of doing it. 606 00:30:17,440 --> 00:30:18,440 Why £10? 607 00:30:18,600 --> 00:30:19,440 £10. 608 00:30:19,600 --> 00:30:20,480 Why? 609 00:30:20,640 --> 00:30:22,200 I've done the maths. 610 00:30:22,400 --> 00:30:23,920 Wouldn't you do the maths before you make-- 611 00:30:24,120 --> 00:30:25,480 I did do the maths before. 612 00:30:25,640 --> 00:30:27,960 But, to harvest them, 613 00:30:28,120 --> 00:30:30,360 - we had to get kids. - Yeah? 614 00:30:30,520 --> 00:30:32,760 They worked for eight hours, 615 00:30:32,960 --> 00:30:36,400 picking the nettles, pulling the top leaves off and then washing them. 616 00:30:36,560 --> 00:30:38,960 And they only produced enough for 80 pots. 617 00:30:39,120 --> 00:30:41,560 So you thought kids worked for free? 618 00:30:41,760 --> 00:30:43,640 I didn't think I was gonna have to use kids. I thought I was going 619 00:30:43,840 --> 00:30:46,600 to be able to do it using the machine, but that doesn't work. 620 00:30:46,760 --> 00:30:48,320 You're gonna have to take a loss on that. 621 00:30:48,480 --> 00:30:50,040 I'm not taking a loss! 622 00:30:50,200 --> 00:30:52,640 Well, then they won't sell at all. So work it out. 623 00:30:52,840 --> 00:30:54,920 And there's another problem. 624 00:30:55,280 --> 00:30:57,240 I can see the date. - Yes. 625 00:30:57,840 --> 00:30:59,400 You've got a three-day shelf life. 626 00:30:59,560 --> 00:31:02,920 And the production day counts as day one, which was yesterday. 627 00:31:03,080 --> 00:31:04,720 So today's day two. 628 00:31:05,440 --> 00:31:07,880 And they must be sold by the end of play tomorrow. 629 00:31:08,080 --> 00:31:09,320 Well, you know we're closed today. 630 00:31:09,640 --> 00:31:11,120 What? - Stock. 631 00:31:11,320 --> 00:31:13,960 Stock count. You know I do stock on Wednesdays. 632 00:31:16,000 --> 00:31:18,120 Well, this is my stock take. Look. I'm doing all my stock. 633 00:31:18,280 --> 00:31:20,760 Yes, I know. But I've got eighty of these to sell. 634 00:31:20,920 --> 00:31:22,600 Well, you'd better stand on the road then. 635 00:31:22,800 --> 00:31:24,160 Try selling it for £10. 636 00:31:24,320 --> 00:31:25,840 No. It won't sell for £10. 637 00:31:26,000 --> 00:31:27,440 Well, do it for £9.99. 638 00:31:27,600 --> 00:31:29,960 I can give them as an offer. 639 00:31:30,120 --> 00:31:32,360 No, don't. Please? Try? 640 00:31:37,360 --> 00:31:40,160 I drove away feeling like one of those Apprentice candidates 641 00:31:40,800 --> 00:31:43,160 that get fired in week one. 642 00:31:44,720 --> 00:31:47,520 And the next day, when the shop reopened, 643 00:31:47,680 --> 00:31:51,880 the nettle soup best-before-date countdown began. 644 00:32:09,960 --> 00:32:12,840 It's nettle soup, for £9.99. 645 00:32:13,000 --> 00:32:14,120 Are you serious? 646 00:32:17,120 --> 00:32:20,600 At closing time, Lisa was not happy. 647 00:32:22,160 --> 00:32:24,800 It's ridiculous. I can't do anything with these. 648 00:32:24,960 --> 00:32:26,960 And he doesn't plan in advance. 649 00:32:27,120 --> 00:32:28,840 He gives me no warning. 650 00:32:29,000 --> 00:32:33,480 He just brings me these soups with his eejit face on them, 651 00:32:33,640 --> 00:32:35,760 charges a tenner, and says: "Sell them." 652 00:32:35,920 --> 00:32:39,320 And it's not fair. It's stupid. It kind of makes the shop look stupid 653 00:32:39,480 --> 00:32:41,960 that he's selling these for a tenner in order for him... 654 00:32:45,960 --> 00:32:47,840 With my nettle soup causing 655 00:32:48,000 --> 00:32:52,800 so much aggravation on both the economic and domestic front, 656 00:32:53,000 --> 00:32:55,200 I decided to abandon it 657 00:32:55,760 --> 00:32:58,640 and concentrate on the mushrooms. 658 00:33:02,040 --> 00:33:04,480 Alan had brought power to the bunker, 659 00:33:04,840 --> 00:33:07,680 installed all the necessary equipment... 660 00:33:08,280 --> 00:33:11,600 And look at this. Health and safety. Very unusual. 661 00:33:13,080 --> 00:33:14,680 What is it? - It's to hold the roof up. 662 00:33:14,840 --> 00:33:16,880 - It's a roll cage. - Yeah, right! 663 00:33:17,080 --> 00:33:20,960 And once Walter White had finished disinfecting everything, 664 00:33:21,120 --> 00:33:25,120 we were ready to take delivery of the first batch. 665 00:33:28,440 --> 00:33:30,200 Are you the mushroom fellows? 666 00:33:30,360 --> 00:33:31,800 We are the mushroom men. 667 00:33:34,600 --> 00:33:35,720 Oh, my God, Jeremy. 668 00:33:35,880 --> 00:33:38,280 Holy cow. Holy Moses. 669 00:33:38,440 --> 00:33:41,320 You've got just a couple of bags there for you. 670 00:33:41,480 --> 00:33:44,400 So, how many different types of mushroom? 671 00:33:44,560 --> 00:33:46,160 Three different types of mushroom. 672 00:33:46,360 --> 00:33:48,200 Which are? - You've got grey oysters, 673 00:33:48,360 --> 00:33:50,920 speckled chestnuts, lion's mane. 674 00:33:51,120 --> 00:33:52,920 What? - It makes a good steak. 675 00:33:53,120 --> 00:33:54,040 With lion's mane? 676 00:33:54,240 --> 00:33:56,400 Yeah. Slice it-- - Cows make a good steak. 677 00:33:57,120 --> 00:33:59,080 So do mushrooms. Yeah. 678 00:33:59,240 --> 00:34:01,040 What's he on about? Steak mushroom? 679 00:34:01,200 --> 00:34:02,440 - Yeah! Ridiculous. 680 00:34:02,640 --> 00:34:05,280 What's actually in these bags? 681 00:34:06,440 --> 00:34:08,840 It's kind of a combination of whatever we've got 682 00:34:09,000 --> 00:34:10,040 that's available to us locally. 683 00:34:10,160 --> 00:34:12,440 So we go round local sawmills, 684 00:34:12,640 --> 00:34:15,080 anyone that produces anything that has a waste organic matter, 685 00:34:15,200 --> 00:34:16,800 we will go round and collect it. 686 00:34:17,000 --> 00:34:19,280 How do mushrooms know to grow in it? 687 00:34:19,440 --> 00:34:21,600 Or do they just grow in anything that's organic? 688 00:34:21,760 --> 00:34:23,920 I mean, they pretty much would grow in anything organic. 689 00:34:24,080 --> 00:34:26,160 Like the oyster you could grow off fabric. 690 00:34:26,360 --> 00:34:28,680 - People grow off hats, clothes, shoes. - Hats? 691 00:34:28,880 --> 00:34:29,640 Anything. 692 00:34:29,840 --> 00:34:31,320 - You get very small yields. Yeah. 693 00:34:31,480 --> 00:34:32,640 Hats? - Yeah. 694 00:34:32,880 --> 00:34:34,160 Okay, well, look. Let's get them in, shall we? 695 00:34:34,360 --> 00:34:35,160 Yeah. 696 00:34:43,200 --> 00:34:44,480 There's more. 697 00:34:47,480 --> 00:34:49,320 - A lot more. Fucking hell. 698 00:34:50,640 --> 00:34:52,880 I ain't taking the piss: we ain't gonna get that lot in there, are we? 699 00:34:55,280 --> 00:34:56,960 I think I've overbought. 700 00:35:02,160 --> 00:35:04,080 I've definitely overbought. 701 00:35:06,440 --> 00:35:07,320 Jesus. 702 00:35:07,520 --> 00:35:10,160 You're gonna have more mushrooms than Sainsbury's, I'm telling you. 703 00:35:10,320 --> 00:35:11,640 - Look. Stop moaning! 704 00:35:15,280 --> 00:35:16,600 As we filled the shelves, 705 00:35:17,120 --> 00:35:21,560 I was sucked into a truly extraordinary biology lesson. 706 00:35:22,760 --> 00:35:26,600 The mushroom is just the sexual reproductive organ of mycelium. 707 00:35:26,760 --> 00:35:28,800 I don't know what that word is you keep using. 708 00:35:28,960 --> 00:35:29,880 Mycelium. 709 00:35:30,040 --> 00:35:31,440 The mycelium is the organism. 710 00:35:31,600 --> 00:35:33,160 The mushroom is the sexual reproductive organ. 711 00:35:33,360 --> 00:35:37,640 The sexual reproductive organ of the mycelium is the mushroom? 712 00:35:37,880 --> 00:35:39,920 - Yeah. So a mushroom is a penis? 713 00:35:40,080 --> 00:35:44,360 A mushroom is a penis. Its whole objective in life is to fruit, 714 00:35:44,520 --> 00:35:47,120 release as many spores as possible and then die. 715 00:35:47,320 --> 00:35:49,680 So when I see a vegan eating a mushroom, 716 00:35:50,120 --> 00:35:52,680 you can go: "You're actually eating a meaty penis"? 717 00:35:52,880 --> 00:35:56,960 "Get that penis out your mouth." Yeah! You absolutely can! 718 00:35:57,160 --> 00:35:59,120 What does a mycelium look like? 719 00:35:59,280 --> 00:36:00,600 It's an organism. 720 00:36:00,800 --> 00:36:04,760 - It's an organism? So, like me? Like us. Exactly. 721 00:36:06,360 --> 00:36:09,640 In fact, we are very, very closely related to mycelium. 722 00:36:10,560 --> 00:36:12,480 More so than anything else on this planet. 723 00:36:12,640 --> 00:36:13,640 - What? Yeah. 724 00:36:14,360 --> 00:36:18,120 As humans we still have a layer of mycelium across our body. 725 00:36:18,280 --> 00:36:20,920 What-- You could grow mushrooms on me? 726 00:36:21,080 --> 00:36:22,920 We could definitely grow mushrooms on you. 727 00:36:23,080 --> 00:36:24,640 We'd have to kill you first, 728 00:36:24,800 --> 00:36:26,840 - but we could grow mushrooms off you. - But you could? 729 00:36:27,800 --> 00:36:30,400 As we sanitised the front of the bags, 730 00:36:30,560 --> 00:36:33,760 my biology lesson got even weirder. 731 00:36:35,160 --> 00:36:37,360 But mycelium is... 732 00:36:37,560 --> 00:36:39,520 Where is it on the DNA? 733 00:36:39,640 --> 00:36:42,160 Is it like dinosaurs or like us? 734 00:36:42,360 --> 00:36:43,680 There's different theories for everything. 735 00:36:43,880 --> 00:36:46,840 One of the leading ones is it actually comes from space. 736 00:36:47,040 --> 00:36:48,840 That's what they believe. They've found 737 00:36:49,600 --> 00:36:52,440 mycelial-like structures on asteroids 738 00:36:53,320 --> 00:36:55,000 and bits of debris from space. 739 00:36:55,440 --> 00:36:59,000 Well, that means mushrooms are space penises. 740 00:36:59,160 --> 00:36:59,960 Yeah. 741 00:37:00,120 --> 00:37:02,560 That's how I'm gonna sell them in the shop. 742 00:37:02,880 --> 00:37:05,160 -"Jeremy's Special Space Penises." 743 00:37:05,360 --> 00:37:07,200 Won't even label them as a mushroom! Just... 744 00:37:07,400 --> 00:37:09,120 "Space Penises." 745 00:37:11,280 --> 00:37:15,160 Having made cuts in the bags for the space penises to grow through, 746 00:37:15,680 --> 00:37:17,440 we switched on the humidifier 747 00:37:18,960 --> 00:37:21,560 and let the magic commence. 748 00:37:23,320 --> 00:37:26,040 That's a good job. It looks good. Right. 749 00:37:33,040 --> 00:37:35,760 I left the bunker pleased that the mushroom men 750 00:37:35,920 --> 00:37:37,760 were happy with my setup. 751 00:37:39,800 --> 00:37:42,880 And the next day, I set about building a pen 752 00:37:44,440 --> 00:37:47,400 for some new Diddly Squat arrivals. 753 00:37:47,920 --> 00:37:49,640 They're like a week old. They're a week old. 754 00:37:49,840 --> 00:37:50,640 Oh! 755 00:37:51,320 --> 00:37:54,440 I was very much looking forward to this event. 756 00:37:55,000 --> 00:37:56,160 Kaleb, though, 757 00:37:56,960 --> 00:37:57,880 less so. 758 00:37:58,640 --> 00:38:00,320 Look at the shed space it's using. 759 00:38:00,480 --> 00:38:02,560 What? - Look at the shed space it's using. 760 00:38:02,680 --> 00:38:05,320 Listen, Kaleb. Let me just try and explain something to you. 761 00:38:05,480 --> 00:38:06,360 Go. 762 00:38:06,840 --> 00:38:08,400 The subsidies are going. 763 00:38:08,600 --> 00:38:09,520 Yes. I'm aware of that. 764 00:38:09,640 --> 00:38:12,280 They're going to be replaced with environmental subsidies. 765 00:38:12,440 --> 00:38:13,200 Yeah. 766 00:38:13,440 --> 00:38:17,760 Things like using goats to create more farmland. 767 00:38:17,960 --> 00:38:21,320 I've seen these subsidies, yeah? And I've not seen goats on that list. 768 00:38:21,520 --> 00:38:23,640 I'll bet you any money I'll get a grant for the goats. 769 00:38:24,560 --> 00:38:28,320 Because I am going to be using goats 770 00:38:28,480 --> 00:38:30,640 to do what a machine would normally do, 771 00:38:30,840 --> 00:38:33,400 which will count as environmental farming. 772 00:38:35,400 --> 00:38:39,520 Bottom line: I needed to clear as many brambles as possible 773 00:38:39,640 --> 00:38:41,960 from my unfarmed land. 774 00:38:43,000 --> 00:38:43,960 And annoyingly, 775 00:38:44,120 --> 00:38:48,560 there were many areas that WALL-E, my beloved robo-mulcher, 776 00:38:48,680 --> 00:38:50,280 couldn't reach. 777 00:38:51,600 --> 00:38:55,280 I mean, that's the thickest brambles on the whole farm, 778 00:38:55,440 --> 00:38:59,080 and there's no way I can get in over there. 779 00:38:59,640 --> 00:39:02,360 So, I had had the genius idea 780 00:39:02,520 --> 00:39:05,040 of buying goats to do the job, 781 00:39:05,160 --> 00:39:08,800 which Kaleb thought was a complete waste of money. 782 00:39:11,000 --> 00:39:13,560 Do you know how much these thirty goats were? 783 00:39:13,760 --> 00:39:14,640 How much? - A tenner each? 784 00:39:14,840 --> 00:39:16,080 £300. A tenner each. 785 00:39:16,200 --> 00:39:17,040 £10. 786 00:39:17,160 --> 00:39:19,200 They should be giving you for free. 787 00:39:19,400 --> 00:39:20,480 It's a tenner! 788 00:39:20,640 --> 00:39:23,440 To make any money, you should be having them for free. 789 00:39:23,600 --> 00:39:25,360 I'll tell you what. I can make money out of them. 790 00:39:25,520 --> 00:39:27,800 Do a little petting place up at the shop. 791 00:39:27,960 --> 00:39:30,960 - A tenner to spend 15 minutes with them. - Talk about bloody hobby farming! 792 00:39:31,120 --> 00:39:32,160 - Dear God! I'd make money, though. 793 00:39:32,360 --> 00:39:35,920 - It's a thousand-acre farm! You want-- No, it's not. 794 00:39:36,120 --> 00:39:37,920 Your bit is only 500 acres. 795 00:39:38,080 --> 00:39:39,600 My bit is 500 acres. 796 00:39:39,760 --> 00:39:42,560 And about 490 of them are covered in brambles. 797 00:39:42,760 --> 00:39:46,080 Put the goats in the brambles, we create more farmland. 798 00:39:47,040 --> 00:39:49,600 - I can't get the machine. Use that machine. You love it. 799 00:39:49,760 --> 00:39:50,960 I showed you, you can't get-- 800 00:39:51,160 --> 00:39:53,160 I'll lift it in there for you with the telehandler. 801 00:39:53,360 --> 00:39:54,160 The telehandler-- 802 00:39:54,360 --> 00:39:55,640 It's a bit late now. The goats are coming. 803 00:39:55,880 --> 00:39:57,640 Just shush, the both of you. 804 00:39:57,800 --> 00:39:59,440 We've got to get this working. 805 00:39:59,600 --> 00:40:00,960 They're just on milk at the moment. 806 00:40:01,120 --> 00:40:02,920 How many, er, goats? Thirty. 807 00:40:03,080 --> 00:40:04,840 They have to be trained to use this. 808 00:40:05,000 --> 00:40:07,760 Survival of the fittest. - How do you teach a goat to use an app 809 00:40:07,920 --> 00:40:09,920 - or that computer program? That's for you. 810 00:40:10,080 --> 00:40:12,760 You just... So you put the milk powder in the top. 811 00:40:13,200 --> 00:40:14,560 That's the milk powder. 812 00:40:15,080 --> 00:40:16,640 Do you know how much that is a bag? 813 00:40:16,840 --> 00:40:18,640 Oh, God. How much is a bag? 814 00:40:18,840 --> 00:40:21,760 - Have a guess how much is a bag. 40 quid? 50 quid? 815 00:40:22,160 --> 00:40:23,600 - No, it isn't? 60 quid? 816 00:40:24,120 --> 00:40:25,160 80 quid? - 70. 817 00:40:25,320 --> 00:40:26,880 - 70 quid? - That's 70 quid? 818 00:40:27,040 --> 00:40:28,040 Well... 819 00:40:28,560 --> 00:40:29,640 And you're telling me 820 00:40:29,800 --> 00:40:31,840 - you're gonna make money? - It's expensive kit. 821 00:40:32,000 --> 00:40:32,880 I'm creating land. 822 00:40:35,840 --> 00:40:38,640 Just as we finished getting everything ready... 823 00:40:38,840 --> 00:40:40,080 Goats! 824 00:40:40,200 --> 00:40:42,960 ...Lizzie, the goat lady, arrived. 825 00:40:43,120 --> 00:40:44,200 Good morning! 826 00:40:44,400 --> 00:40:46,960 So, thirty goats. Kids. Just for you. 827 00:40:47,880 --> 00:40:50,120 So we're this side, we're this side. Jockey door. 828 00:40:51,280 --> 00:40:54,800 Oh, my God. Look at them. 829 00:40:56,920 --> 00:40:58,600 Before we could unload, though, 830 00:40:58,760 --> 00:41:01,640 Lizzie had to set the milking machine up. 831 00:41:01,880 --> 00:41:03,960 Yeah, so you've gotta push the teats through. 832 00:41:04,120 --> 00:41:05,400 - That side. Yeah. One red... And then-- 833 00:41:05,600 --> 00:41:07,480 And then put it in, yeah. And then one white. 834 00:41:07,640 --> 00:41:10,440 And then you'll do the same on that side and the same over there. 835 00:41:10,640 --> 00:41:11,960 Right. That's that. 836 00:41:12,120 --> 00:41:14,120 Can you put that one on? That's perfect. 837 00:41:14,280 --> 00:41:17,160 And then you just need to put your bag of milk powder in the top. 838 00:41:17,360 --> 00:41:19,320 £70 a bag of milk powder. 839 00:41:19,480 --> 00:41:21,120 It is like liquid gold. 840 00:41:21,320 --> 00:41:24,080 You will be very protective of your milk powder. 841 00:41:24,200 --> 00:41:25,440 Go on there now. 842 00:41:25,680 --> 00:41:29,160 What it does is it releases a certain amount of milk powder 843 00:41:29,320 --> 00:41:32,280 - to a certain amount of warm water. And so it's demand and supply? 844 00:41:32,440 --> 00:41:33,400 Yeah. And it's ad lib. 845 00:41:33,560 --> 00:41:37,640 And as soon as it gets to a certain point, it automatically refills. 846 00:41:37,800 --> 00:41:39,680 And there's a pump in there as well, obviously? 847 00:41:39,880 --> 00:41:40,640 No, no pump. 848 00:41:40,840 --> 00:41:43,160 - So it's just them sucking? - Yeah. And it's gravity. 849 00:41:43,360 --> 00:41:46,640 Well, they're gonna have to be Linda Lovelace to suck it that far. 850 00:41:47,800 --> 00:41:49,920 And how long will one bag last us? 851 00:41:50,120 --> 00:41:53,400 With thirty kids at this age, you're gonna be at least a day. 852 00:41:53,560 --> 00:41:56,120 - They won't drink, you know, too much. - A day? 853 00:41:56,280 --> 00:41:58,360 A day? I thought you were gonna say 3 weeks. 854 00:41:58,520 --> 00:42:00,080 - That would be wishful thinking. - A day? 855 00:42:00,200 --> 00:42:02,600 - We normally-- £70 a day? 856 00:42:02,760 --> 00:42:06,160 Can I ask you a really big favour? Don't tell Kaleb. 857 00:42:06,760 --> 00:42:08,040 It's a need-to-know basis. 858 00:42:08,880 --> 00:42:10,680 With all the housekeeping done, 859 00:42:10,920 --> 00:42:13,280 it was now time for the good bit. 860 00:42:14,600 --> 00:42:15,400 Hello, goats! 861 00:42:15,560 --> 00:42:18,280 Those are big ones. - Welcome to Diddly Squat. 862 00:42:19,600 --> 00:42:21,200 - There we go. How old are they? 863 00:42:21,440 --> 00:42:23,080 Two weeks old. Two weeks? 864 00:42:26,600 --> 00:42:27,640 You are stunning. 865 00:42:31,600 --> 00:42:34,000 Ready? Look at your new house! 866 00:42:35,920 --> 00:42:37,760 Have they been castrated? 867 00:42:37,960 --> 00:42:39,600 They have been castrated, yeah. 868 00:42:40,280 --> 00:42:42,440 It's just brilliant being an animal. 869 00:42:42,600 --> 00:42:45,040 "Oh, you're a man? We'll have your bollocks off." 870 00:42:45,760 --> 00:42:48,040 "But I might need them?" "No, you won't." 871 00:42:50,120 --> 00:42:51,480 Last two, right? There you go. 872 00:42:53,320 --> 00:42:54,160 Right. Look at them. 873 00:42:54,360 --> 00:42:56,160 They're adorable. And this lot are eating. 874 00:42:56,840 --> 00:42:59,280 Yeah. So that's what you want. They're up, they're drinking. 875 00:42:59,480 --> 00:43:00,920 And it's not survival of the fittest? 876 00:43:01,080 --> 00:43:04,080 No, no. They know what they're doing. They all know how to drink. 877 00:43:04,200 --> 00:43:06,880 How can we stop them drinking as much as they are drinking? 878 00:43:07,040 --> 00:43:09,160 'Cause it's incredibly expensive. 879 00:43:12,160 --> 00:43:14,040 Observe. Come on! 880 00:43:14,160 --> 00:43:15,640 That's a good sign. They're drinking already. 881 00:43:15,800 --> 00:43:16,640 Yeah. 882 00:43:16,800 --> 00:43:18,280 Do you know how much they drink, Kaleb? 883 00:43:18,440 --> 00:43:19,800 No, for C-- What are you-- 884 00:43:20,400 --> 00:43:21,920 Why are you telling him that? 885 00:43:22,080 --> 00:43:25,120 K, how many bags a week do you think we're gonna get through? 886 00:43:25,280 --> 00:43:27,080 I dunno. Two bags a week? 887 00:43:27,600 --> 00:43:28,520 Seven... 888 00:43:29,040 --> 00:43:29,880 a week. 889 00:43:31,000 --> 00:43:33,400 So they're in here for two months. 890 00:43:33,560 --> 00:43:35,120 They normally say twelve weeks. 891 00:43:35,320 --> 00:43:38,960 Ours normally, we normally start weaning them at ten weeks 892 00:43:39,120 --> 00:43:40,560 if they get a good start. 893 00:43:40,680 --> 00:43:43,360 So ten weeks and they'll eat brambles? 894 00:43:44,280 --> 00:43:45,680 They will eat pretty much anything. 895 00:43:45,840 --> 00:43:48,400 But yeah, they will do some clearing for you if you'd like them to. 896 00:43:48,560 --> 00:43:50,000 Definitely. That's what I want them for. 897 00:43:50,200 --> 00:43:52,920 'Cause they can get to places that my amazing machine can't get to. 898 00:43:53,080 --> 00:43:54,120 There you go. 899 00:43:54,280 --> 00:43:55,800 And they use less diesel. 900 00:43:56,000 --> 00:43:57,680 Oh you're so sweet. 901 00:43:58,240 --> 00:43:59,520 Coming here for kisses? 902 00:44:01,440 --> 00:44:02,280 Kisses. 903 00:44:05,840 --> 00:44:09,400 With the goats settled, we had to sex-split the weaners. 904 00:44:09,840 --> 00:44:11,360 which, in English, 905 00:44:11,520 --> 00:44:15,480 means separating the boy piglets from their sisters, 906 00:44:16,200 --> 00:44:18,720 because they'd now reached, um... 907 00:44:19,160 --> 00:44:20,480 that age. 908 00:44:22,040 --> 00:44:24,560 The males go in here. So we've got the three-metre gap. 909 00:44:24,760 --> 00:44:26,880 Then the lady ones go in here. 910 00:44:27,040 --> 00:44:27,960 Yep. 911 00:44:30,040 --> 00:44:30,840 Sex-splitting. 912 00:44:32,560 --> 00:44:34,760 Sex-splitting happening? - No. 913 00:44:35,160 --> 00:44:36,160 That went well. 914 00:44:37,000 --> 00:44:38,840 You're literally just walking around after piglets. 915 00:44:39,000 --> 00:44:42,440 No, I'm getting them back up towards you to get them in a corner. 916 00:44:44,040 --> 00:44:46,200 No, I've failed to get them in a corner. 917 00:44:46,760 --> 00:44:47,880 Here they come. 918 00:44:48,640 --> 00:44:49,760 There they go. 919 00:44:51,120 --> 00:44:52,080 Come on, piggy. 920 00:44:52,720 --> 00:44:54,800 Come on. No? 921 00:44:55,440 --> 00:44:56,680 Come on, piggies. 922 00:44:57,200 --> 00:44:58,520 Come on, piggies. 923 00:44:59,360 --> 00:45:00,440 Fucking hell! 924 00:45:02,280 --> 00:45:03,160 Oh yes. 925 00:45:03,320 --> 00:45:04,280 Oh yes. 926 00:45:04,440 --> 00:45:05,240 Oh, my God. 927 00:45:05,440 --> 00:45:07,600 No, they've just gone down a narrow passageway 928 00:45:07,760 --> 00:45:09,080 and they have escaped. 929 00:45:11,520 --> 00:45:14,120 I just don't-- - How does anyone sex-split a weaner? 930 00:45:16,160 --> 00:45:18,480 Eventually, Kaleb turned up 931 00:45:18,640 --> 00:45:20,760 and showed us how it's done. 932 00:45:21,120 --> 00:45:22,080 Oh! 933 00:45:22,240 --> 00:45:24,360 Oh, nice. 934 00:45:26,680 --> 00:45:29,160 That's it. Take that one round. 935 00:45:29,880 --> 00:45:30,680 Kaleb? 936 00:45:30,880 --> 00:45:31,680 Move in. 937 00:45:32,920 --> 00:45:34,040 Oh, wow! 938 00:45:35,680 --> 00:45:37,360 Is that definitely a boy? Yep. 939 00:45:39,440 --> 00:45:41,680 Right. Girl, girl, girl, girl, girl. 940 00:45:42,160 --> 00:45:43,640 - Done. 941 00:45:45,360 --> 00:45:46,200 Back in March, 942 00:45:46,960 --> 00:45:49,880 I'd said I didn't want to keep pigs anymore. 943 00:45:50,040 --> 00:45:52,400 She's just sat on another one. Oh, look. 944 00:45:52,600 --> 00:45:54,560 The piglet deaths had been... 945 00:45:55,120 --> 00:45:56,480 too traumatic. 946 00:46:05,760 --> 00:46:06,880 But instead, 947 00:46:07,040 --> 00:46:10,760 I decided to think of a way of keeping more piglets alive. 948 00:46:14,400 --> 00:46:17,280 And then, I rehired Ajax the boar... 949 00:46:17,960 --> 00:46:19,000 Hello, pig. 950 00:46:19,520 --> 00:46:20,520 You're back. 951 00:46:21,240 --> 00:46:24,720 ...to do his thing with the four remaining ladies. 952 00:46:27,720 --> 00:46:29,040 Right. This is lovely. 953 00:46:29,240 --> 00:46:30,760 So we just leave them to it for? 954 00:46:30,960 --> 00:46:32,080 Four weeks. - Four weeks. 955 00:46:32,760 --> 00:46:34,800 I love them. They've been my favourite animals 956 00:46:35,000 --> 00:46:37,400 that we've had on the farm by a long way. 957 00:46:41,040 --> 00:46:42,920 It had been a wonderful morning, 958 00:46:43,080 --> 00:46:46,200 learning how to sex-split the mischievous weaners 959 00:46:47,000 --> 00:46:49,240 and welcoming Ajax back. 960 00:46:50,560 --> 00:46:55,320 And then, that afternoon, while out and about in the wildflower meadows, 961 00:46:56,720 --> 00:46:58,360 the day got even better. 962 00:47:03,680 --> 00:47:04,960 Hang on. 963 00:47:05,520 --> 00:47:06,320 No way. 964 00:47:08,280 --> 00:47:09,680 No! He's back! 965 00:47:10,000 --> 00:47:11,520 Gerald's back! 966 00:47:12,800 --> 00:47:14,640 I cannot believe it! 967 00:47:18,200 --> 00:47:19,120 Gerald! 968 00:47:19,640 --> 00:47:21,000 You're back! 969 00:47:21,960 --> 00:47:23,640 - You're back! Hello, there. 970 00:47:23,800 --> 00:47:25,040 Jeremy, you all right? 971 00:47:25,200 --> 00:47:26,920 Lovely to see you, my man. 972 00:47:27,680 --> 00:47:29,920 - How are we? - Well! I hope as well as you are. 973 00:47:30,120 --> 00:47:32,560 - How are you? Yeah, I'm getting there. 974 00:47:32,920 --> 00:47:34,880 And you're straight back to it. - Yeah. 975 00:47:35,080 --> 00:47:37,200 - Come on. Chapter and verse. 976 00:47:37,400 --> 00:47:39,360 'Cause I know obviously you've been poorly. 977 00:47:39,520 --> 00:47:41,960 But have you been having chemo or was it radio? 978 00:47:42,120 --> 00:47:43,000 Radio. 979 00:47:43,280 --> 00:47:47,240 Okay. Was that all right? - Yeah. 37 times I had to go. 980 00:47:47,400 --> 00:47:48,280 37? 981 00:47:48,480 --> 00:47:49,520 Yeah. 982 00:47:49,720 --> 00:47:51,640 You've got the all-clear? That's the main thing. 983 00:47:51,840 --> 00:47:53,320 Well, you haven't got the all-clear yet. 984 00:47:53,520 --> 00:47:55,920 But, you know, touch wood. 985 00:47:56,520 --> 00:47:58,160 I can't even get my head round it. 986 00:47:58,640 --> 00:48:00,680 So what was it... Did you have a catheter, then, for--? 987 00:48:00,840 --> 00:48:01,640 Yeah. 988 00:48:02,080 --> 00:48:06,960 ...that keeps going. 989 00:48:07,120 --> 00:48:09,440 You gotta do it yourself. I calls them pints... 990 00:48:11,520 --> 00:48:14,680 So the thing's here, so you've got that big round mushroom. 991 00:48:14,880 --> 00:48:17,200 When that's whizzling round, now, you've gotta... 992 00:48:17,520 --> 00:48:20,200 It's got a tea pot in or something like that. 993 00:48:20,360 --> 00:48:22,640 And then a pad for like, you know, 994 00:48:22,840 --> 00:48:24,920 like the dark ones that was there one day. 995 00:48:25,120 --> 00:48:27,240 Doink, doink, doink, doink, doink, doink, doink. 996 00:48:27,440 --> 00:48:31,080 This is the best description of cancer treatment I've ever heard I think! 997 00:48:31,280 --> 00:48:33,600 - Yeah! 998 00:48:34,600 --> 00:48:37,600 You've no idea how much we've all missed you. 999 00:48:37,800 --> 00:48:39,760 It must be nice to be back on a day like today. 1000 00:48:39,920 --> 00:48:41,120 Yeah, it is. 1001 00:48:41,320 --> 00:48:43,400 It's nice being back to see all my friends. 1002 00:48:43,560 --> 00:48:44,480 Yeah. 1003 00:48:44,680 --> 00:48:46,040 So that's why... 1004 00:48:46,720 --> 00:48:48,520 It's like mowing grass with a mower, isn't it? 1005 00:48:48,680 --> 00:48:51,160 You can't go... 1006 00:48:51,360 --> 00:48:53,000 ... with the programme and everything. 1007 00:48:53,200 --> 00:48:54,400 Er, well, you can't. 1008 00:48:55,120 --> 00:48:56,040 But, you know. 1009 00:48:56,520 --> 00:48:59,520 Well, I just think... You know, with... Well, I don't know... 1010 00:48:59,920 --> 00:49:00,960 Yeah. But-- 1011 00:49:01,160 --> 00:49:02,400 No, no, no. That's right. 1012 00:49:02,600 --> 00:49:05,440 It's like a nozzle on the end of a watering can. 1013 00:49:11,480 --> 00:49:15,320 A lot of the time, farming is brutal and hard. 1014 00:49:16,680 --> 00:49:20,120 ♪ Ain't nothin' wrong with this chemistry ♪ 1015 00:49:20,840 --> 00:49:23,520 But at this time of year when everything is vivid, 1016 00:49:24,280 --> 00:49:26,240 and growing, and bursting with life 1017 00:49:27,200 --> 00:49:28,440 and everyone is well... 1018 00:49:30,520 --> 00:49:34,040 It can be the best job in the world. 1019 00:49:34,240 --> 00:49:35,920 ♪ Is another one meant for me ♪ 1020 00:49:36,120 --> 00:49:38,040 ♪ To tell me now ♪ 1021 00:49:38,240 --> 00:49:41,400 ♪ And show me how ♪ 1022 00:49:41,600 --> 00:49:43,480 ♪ To understand ♪ 1023 00:49:43,640 --> 00:49:46,560 ♪ What makes a good man? ♪ 1024 00:49:46,760 --> 00:49:49,120 ♪ Tell me now... ♪ 1025 00:49:49,920 --> 00:49:51,160 On the surface, then, 1026 00:49:51,320 --> 00:49:54,040 Diddly Squat was a green and happy place 1027 00:49:54,240 --> 00:49:56,000 as we headed into summer. 1028 00:49:58,360 --> 00:49:59,960 But underground, 1029 00:50:00,160 --> 00:50:04,480 an alien life form was gathering an army. 1030 00:50:12,200 --> 00:50:14,280 Can I interest you in the new Diddly Squat range? 1031 00:50:14,480 --> 00:50:15,560 You're selling space penises? 1032 00:50:17,000 --> 00:50:19,560 I cannot tell you how good they are. 1033 00:50:20,520 --> 00:50:21,800 6.1 kilos. 1034 00:50:22,520 --> 00:50:23,520 Ready? 1035 00:50:24,480 --> 00:50:25,680 - Kaleb! How are you? - How are you? 1036 00:50:25,840 --> 00:50:26,720 I'm very well, thanks.