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[theme music playing]

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[birds chirping]

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[soft orchestral music]

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[Jeremy] <i>It was now early April.</i>

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["Short Change" by The Heavy]

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<i>And after the misery
of all the pig deaths,</i>

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<i>the arrival of spring gave everyone</i>

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<i>a much-needed lift.</i>

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[music continues]

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- [Kaleb] Look at it! It's lovely!
- [Charlie] Yeah.

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[Lisa] Pig, pig, pig, pig.

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[music continues]

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[Jeremy] <i>We could also now get back
to the business of planting</i>

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<i>and growing and making food.</i>

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<i>So I fired up the Lambo,</i>

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<i>because I'd had another
farming the unfarmed brainwave.</i>

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All over the farm,
there are splodges of land like this,

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an acre here, two acres there and so on,

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which, over the years,
I've used to grow maize, mostly,

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which is great for the songbirds.

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It's good food for them
and it's somewhere for them to hide.

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It's also been quite useful
for the pheasants

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that I rear to shoot at Christmas time,
but we'll gloss over that.

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But instead of maize,

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what I'm going to plant in here

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is mustard.

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Still great for the songbirds.
They love eating it and hiding in it.

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And then I can turn it
into English mustard

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which I can sell in the shop

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and in the burger van
as an accompaniment to my pork.

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[rock music]

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By my maths,

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this one little patch here
is going to generate

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40,000 jars of mustard.

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The only problem with that
is that every single bit of maths

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I've done
over the last four years on the farm

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has turned out to be wrong.

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[Jeremy] <i>Meanwhile, Kaleb was busy
in one of the other fields,</i>

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<i>as the soil was finally dry enough
for him to plant his durum wheat.</i>

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So, winter wheat is roughly
about £340 a tonne at the moment,

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which is basically your breads
and your doughs, etc.

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But this wheat is a spring crop
and it's basically your pastas.

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And it's worth about £500 a tonne,

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so there's a massive difference
between the two.

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I think I'm about a month late
because of that March rain.

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It just never stopped raining.

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I'm hoping, fingers crossed,

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that it doesn't affect the yields
and it'll be fine.

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[Kaleb on radio] <i>This is fun, isn't it?
Some tractor driving again.</i>

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[Jeremy on radio]
<i>Yeah, I know. I like it.</i>

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[Jeremy] And up she goes.

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And down she goes.

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I'm just remembering
my first ever attempts at cultivating,

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what, four years ago?

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Er...

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Now look at me.

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I'm learning.

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[tense music]

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[Jeremy] <i>The next day, though,</i>

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<i>when I returned
to plant the mustard seeds...</i>

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[Jeremy] Right, I'm drilling mustard.

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That is what I'm doing.

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[Jeremy] <i>I came up
against my number-one irritation.</i>

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[Jeremy] Oh, shit.

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Absolutely no way I can see my marker.

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Well, how the bloody
hell am I supposed to...?

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I've explained this
a million times before, but this...

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little...

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metal beetle that I'm dragging along here

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is 3 m to the left of the tractor,

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so when I turn round and come back,

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if I keep the mark it's making

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centred on my bonnet,

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I know I'm 3 m away
from the bit I've already done.

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Problem is, it's not leaving a mark.
Not really.

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I'm just guessing where I've planted.
I've absolutely no idea.

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[Jeremy] <i>It was all
very tricky and annoying.</i>

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<i>But at least,</i>

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<i>time in the tractor
did give me head space</i>

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<i>to dream up new ways
of farming the unfarmed.</i>

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<i>And soon, I had a brainwave,</i>

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<i>which I was keen to share with Charlie.</i>

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Mushrooms.

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Mushrooms?

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Mushrooms.

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Okay. Good.

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Erm... why?
We've got quite a lot going on.

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Yes, we have got quite a lot going on.
But this is incredibly easy.

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I've been looking into this.
I've done a business plan.

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You've done a business plan?

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We get two hundred blocks.
Er... bags. Okay?

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- [Charlie] Grow bags?
- Basically, yes.

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And the first time they grow...
In two weeks,

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we will have 1.2 kilograms of mushrooms.

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Yep.

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[Jeremy] Which we can sell

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for £24 per kilogram
if they're grey oysters.

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And in the first flush, the profit...

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-"In the first flush?" What's a flush?
- Two weeks.

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Two weeks? So first growing period.

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- The first growing period, two weeks.
- Two weeks.

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£3,620.

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Okay. That's impressive.

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- [Jeremy] It is impressive.
- It's almost too impressive.

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This is minusing the costs of the bags,
to buy the grow bags.

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- [Charlie] Yeah.
- It's got the... [sniffing]

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the mushroom spores,
I suppose, in already.

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[Charlie] Yeah.

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The second time they flush...

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So you get more than one harvest.

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The second time they flush,
you get only

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350 grams per bag.

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So it goes down from 1.2

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to 350 grams.
But you don't have to buy the bag again.

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So the profit drops from £3,620

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to £2,135.

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- [Charlie] Okay. Yeah.
- Yes, but it's still pretty good.

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So that's £5,700 and...?

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And then you get a third flush.
Again, £2,100.

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Then you're done, your bags are done.

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- And you replace them with 200 more.
- Yep.

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- [Jeremy] Bags. Blocks.
- Yep.

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- So about £8,000.
- [Jeremy] Yeah.

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- [Charlie] So do you need power?
- You do.

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Just a tiny bit for a little heater.

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Yeah, but you might not need very much,

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- but the cable's quite a lot of money.
- Yes.

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- Who's... Are you gonna pick them?
- [Jeremy] Yes.

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- [Charlie] Where are you selling them?
- In the shop.

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- You say there's a profit of £8,000.
- [Jeremy] Yes! Wooden shelving.

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- [Jeremy] I'm gonna get Alan to--
- Oh, here we go. There are more costs.

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Well, of course, there are costs!

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A fogger fan: £40.

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Extraction fan for hatch: £100.

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- Grow-room lights: £60.
- Yeah. Yeah.

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- Ultrasonic fogger: £160.
- Yeah.

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Water hoover for cleaning: £95.

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- Total: £455.
- Which is brilliant.

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But they all run on electricity
which you haven't got there.

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But I actually quite like this idea.

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- [Jeremy] You do?
- I think it's quite good.

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You look at my workings out.

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I'm not gonna check your workings.
I'm not a maths teacher.

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- I just...
- I'm just getting a bit better now

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- at planning the costs of things...
- [Charlie stammers]

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...before I do something

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- rather than working out afterwards.
- Yep.

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[Jeremy] <i>Mushroom meeting over,</i>

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<i>Charlie then insisted
we register the piglet births</i>

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<i>with the government's pig police.</i>

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<i>And this meant deploying</i>

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<i>the entire Diddly Squat mathematics team.</i>

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[Jeremy] Well, how many piglets
died in the end?

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- Two from the first one.
- Three from the first one.

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- [Jeremy] Three from the first one.
- No, she gave birth to ten.

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- [Jeremy] Five.
- Five.

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Second sow, down here, had ten.
Sat on two.

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[Charlie] But there are
only seven remaining.

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- Are you sure she hasn't got eight?
- [Lisa] I counted eight the other day.

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We're never gonna get this done.

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[Jeremy] We've now been an hour
and we've registered one.

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Two.

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[groaning]

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[Jeremy] <i>Sadly,
I had to leave the maths class early,</i>

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<i>because I'd arranged
to show Alan the Builder</i>

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<i>the site I'd earmarked
for my mushroom operation.</i>

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[upbeat music]

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[Jeremy] Right, so mushroom production.

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There's this place,
which you can't even see.

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[Alan laughs]

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- [Alan] Not brilliant, no.
- This is the old pumping house

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- for the farm.
- [Alan] Yes.

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- [Jeremy] 150 years ago?
- Victorian pumping station, yeah.

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[Alan] Good God!

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- [Jeremy] Easy repair job for you.
- Fucking hell!

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[Alan] Not a prayer.

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[Jeremy] And the perfect
mushroom-growing facility.

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- [Alan] No. It's dangerous.
- What do you mean "no"?

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- [Jeremy] What's dangerous?
- The lot will fall down on somebody.

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[Jeremy] It won't!

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Go and jump on it!

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That old barrelled arch, look,
they've put soil on the top.

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Anybody puts any weight on there,
that'll just collapse.

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Yeah, we can't do that.

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Are you familiar
with Brunel's Maidenhead Bridge?

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00:09:28,880 --> 00:09:29,720
[Alan] Who?

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No, mate. Look, it's rotten. Look.

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- [Jeremy] No, you...
- Yeah, but I--

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00:09:34,320 --> 00:09:37,120
- [Jeremy] Don't pull things over.
- But it's gonna fall over very shortly.

190
00:09:37,280 --> 00:09:39,080
- It's gonna be in this stream.
- [Jeremy] But it's...

191
00:09:39,280 --> 00:09:41,840
Look at all those arches
in cathedrals from the 12th century!

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00:09:42,000 --> 00:09:43,480
And there's all this shit
everywhere in our way.

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- Don't get me wrong. I can do it.
- [Jeremy] Yeah.

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00:09:45,440 --> 00:09:47,480
[Alan] It's just gonna cost
an absolute fortune.

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00:09:48,120 --> 00:09:50,280
[Jeremy] I've never heard
so many negative waves.

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00:09:50,440 --> 00:09:51,440
[Alan] Fuckin' hell.

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We'll be growing mushrooms the rest
of our lives and still make no money.

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- All right. Come on then.
- [Alan] Sorry, boss.

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[rock music]

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[Jeremy] <i>I then took him
to a backup site:</i>

201
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<i>an underground bunker</i>

202
00:10:02,720 --> 00:10:07,520
<i>at the top end of the farm
on land which had once been an airfield.</i>

203
00:10:08,760 --> 00:10:11,080
[Jeremy] I think it's
an air-raid shelter, personally.

204
00:10:11,280 --> 00:10:13,520
It was an American bomber base
in the Second World War.

205
00:10:13,760 --> 00:10:15,160
Yeah. We'll see.

206
00:10:15,720 --> 00:10:18,440
- What I was saying to you--
- This is going to be a mushroom facility.

207
00:10:18,600 --> 00:10:21,280
- But look here.
- Our security needs beefing up.

208
00:10:21,440 --> 00:10:23,600
- [Alan] Well, where is Gerald?
- I'm gonna put a sign. Yes, quite.

209
00:10:23,760 --> 00:10:25,440
- He's getting better.
- [Alan] Yeah, he is.

210
00:10:25,600 --> 00:10:28,040
- 'Cause he's having radiotherapy.
- [Alan] Yeah, he is.

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00:10:28,200 --> 00:10:29,520
[Jeremy] We need some light.

212
00:10:32,320 --> 00:10:34,080
- Is that concrete?
- [Alan] Yes, it's concrete.

213
00:10:34,240 --> 00:10:36,640
- Yeah, you can see the bars, look.
- [Jeremy] Oh yeah.

214
00:10:37,520 --> 00:10:40,480
Well, the sceptics will have overdone it.
There'll be concrete be this thick.

215
00:10:40,640 --> 00:10:41,720
They will have done.

216
00:10:42,200 --> 00:10:44,880
I mean, it's obviously a lot bigger
than the pumping house.

217
00:10:45,120 --> 00:10:46,400
- [Alan] Easy access.
- Yeah.

218
00:10:46,520 --> 00:10:48,600
- Don't need planning permission.
- [Alan] No it's already here.

219
00:10:48,760 --> 00:10:51,280
So, listen.
This ain't big money, is it?

220
00:10:51,480 --> 00:10:52,760
- [Jeremy] Dunno.
- No!

221
00:10:53,400 --> 00:10:55,040
- No!
- [Jeremy] What's not big money?

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00:10:55,200 --> 00:10:56,600
- [Alan laughs]
- [Jeremy] Rough guess?

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Oh, you... He always does this to me.

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[Alan] Fucking hell.

225
00:11:01,200 --> 00:11:04,320
Well, it's one of those things
that is kind of normal,

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00:11:04,480 --> 00:11:06,920
to ask a builder
how much something's likely to--

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00:11:07,080 --> 00:11:09,160
[Alan] Yeah, but I've only looked at it
two minutes ago.

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00:11:09,360 --> 00:11:11,080
Let's just say we could do it
for less than ten grand.

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00:11:11,240 --> 00:11:12,040
[Jeremy] Oh!

230
00:11:12,240 --> 00:11:14,440
- [Alan] Now that's a bargain!
- Well, that would be good.

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00:11:14,600 --> 00:11:17,080
[Alan] Honestly, we'd turn this round
in a week, wouldn't we?

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00:11:18,360 --> 00:11:21,080
- I've never heard builders...
- [Alan] We'll have you up and running.

233
00:11:21,240 --> 00:11:23,760
"I can do it in a week
and for less than ten grand."

234
00:11:23,920 --> 00:11:25,480
- Nobody's ever heard this.
- Listen.

235
00:11:25,640 --> 00:11:28,400
By the time I've started work, you'll
be able to advertise them down the shop.

236
00:11:28,560 --> 00:11:29,680
That's how quick I'll be.

237
00:11:29,840 --> 00:11:30,640
[both laughing]

238
00:11:30,840 --> 00:11:32,800
[upbeat music]

239
00:11:32,960 --> 00:11:34,880
[Jeremy] <i>As Alan went off
to get supplies,</i>

240
00:11:35,080 --> 00:11:38,280
<i>I started work
on another brainwave I'd had.</i>

241
00:11:39,200 --> 00:11:40,280
<i>Nettles.</i>

242
00:11:41,360 --> 00:11:44,000
<i>The woods were literally
carpeted with them.</i>

243
00:11:46,160 --> 00:11:50,200
<i>And I'd decided
they could be used to make soup.</i>

244
00:11:52,160 --> 00:11:54,240
- [Jeremy] All right, Lucca?
- How's it going?

245
00:11:54,400 --> 00:11:57,640
[Jeremy] <i>Lucca is
Diddly Squat's Swiss Army knife.</i>

246
00:11:57,800 --> 00:11:59,520
<i>He's a racing driver,</i>

247
00:11:59,680 --> 00:12:01,880
<i>he works at the farm shop,</i>

248
00:12:02,080 --> 00:12:06,000
<i>and he comes
from a famous Irish cooking dynasty.</i>

249
00:12:07,840 --> 00:12:09,320
[Jeremy] Right, so, nettle soup.

250
00:12:09,520 --> 00:12:12,280
Lucca actually made some for me about...
When was it? Last year?

251
00:12:12,440 --> 00:12:14,360
- [Lucca] Yes.
- About the nicest thing

252
00:12:14,520 --> 00:12:16,120
I've ever put in my mouth.

253
00:12:16,760 --> 00:12:17,880
It was stunning.

254
00:12:18,680 --> 00:12:22,560
All the ingredients we need are here.
Potatoes, onions, we've got here.

255
00:12:22,760 --> 00:12:24,240
[Jeremy] What else do you need?

256
00:12:24,400 --> 00:12:27,120
So we've got nettles.
We've got onions. We've got spuds.

257
00:12:27,920 --> 00:12:29,000
Salt, pepper,

258
00:12:29,160 --> 00:12:31,440
chicken stock, cream and butter.

259
00:12:31,600 --> 00:12:33,040
- [Jeremy] And that's it?
- Yeah.

260
00:12:33,240 --> 00:12:34,600
[upbeat music]

261
00:12:36,240 --> 00:12:38,080
[Jeremy] <i>Once Lucca had finished cooking,</i>

262
00:12:38,240 --> 00:12:41,600
<i>I just needed someone
with a sophisticated palate</i>

263
00:12:42,240 --> 00:12:43,520
<i>to taste it.</i>

264
00:12:44,880 --> 00:12:47,680
- [Jeremy] You've never had nettle soup?
- [Kaleb] I've never had nettle soup.

265
00:12:47,840 --> 00:12:49,040
[Jeremy] I mean,
look at the colour of that.

266
00:12:49,920 --> 00:12:51,960
The colour is unbelievable.

267
00:12:52,120 --> 00:12:53,440
[Lucca] It's a good, thick soup as well,

268
00:12:53,640 --> 00:12:55,280
so with some of our sourdough,
it'll go great.

269
00:12:55,480 --> 00:12:56,800
[Jeremy] Mm.

270
00:12:57,280 --> 00:12:58,640
Christ. That's good.

271
00:12:58,840 --> 00:13:01,200
- [Kaleb] Wow!
- It's properly good, isn't it?

272
00:13:01,360 --> 00:13:03,960
- [Kaleb] Mate! You can cook!
- [Jeremy laughs]

273
00:13:04,160 --> 00:13:05,200
Wow!

274
00:13:05,360 --> 00:13:09,240
And the funny thing is,
nobody knows what a nettle tastes like.

275
00:13:09,440 --> 00:13:12,360
- [Kaleb] What does it taste like?
- But you know it's a nettle.

276
00:13:12,520 --> 00:13:15,240
In the aftertaste you should get
a bit of a nettle kind of taste.

277
00:13:15,400 --> 00:13:16,200
[Kaleb] It's lovely.

278
00:13:16,400 --> 00:13:17,640
[Jeremy] Mm.

279
00:13:17,840 --> 00:13:19,920
- [Jeremy] You'd sell this at the shop.
- [Kaleb] I mean...

280
00:13:20,680 --> 00:13:23,120
That's the only thing that worries me
about our board now.

281
00:13:23,280 --> 00:13:24,520
If you make a lot of that...

282
00:13:24,720 --> 00:13:26,080
[Jeremy chuckles]

283
00:13:26,240 --> 00:13:28,800
[Jeremy] We've got to get that
in the shop.

284
00:13:28,960 --> 00:13:32,320
- That is going to be our next big thing.
- [Lucca] Yeah.

285
00:13:32,480 --> 00:13:34,000
[Kaleb] I'm gonna spray them all off
so you can't do it.

286
00:13:34,160 --> 00:13:36,840
- [Jeremy] No you're not.
- [Kaleb and Jeremy laugh]

287
00:13:37,040 --> 00:13:38,120
[rock music]

288
00:13:38,280 --> 00:13:39,920
[Jeremy] <i>With the tasting completed,</i>

289
00:13:40,080 --> 00:13:43,760
<i>I borrowed some serious
harvesting fire power</i>

290
00:13:43,920 --> 00:13:46,240
<i>and headed off into the woods.</i>

291
00:13:49,120 --> 00:13:50,840
I found this,

292
00:13:51,560 --> 00:13:54,240
which is used for harvesting tea.

293
00:13:55,480 --> 00:13:57,520
[engine roaring]

294
00:13:57,720 --> 00:14:02,600
It's basically
like a hedge clipper, yeah?

295
00:14:03,720 --> 00:14:07,720
This is a fan
that blows the leaves into the bag.

296
00:14:07,880 --> 00:14:08,920
And then,

297
00:14:09,080 --> 00:14:10,840
if an alien comes,

298
00:14:11,280 --> 00:14:13,560
I can do a Sigourney Weaver on it.

299
00:14:13,720 --> 00:14:15,720
[engine roaring]

300
00:14:15,880 --> 00:14:16,680
Right.

301
00:14:19,160 --> 00:14:20,200
Harvesting!

302
00:14:24,480 --> 00:14:25,960
[engine sputtering]

303
00:14:26,120 --> 00:14:27,440
Oh no.

304
00:14:27,800 --> 00:14:31,320
What I've done is I've harvested
my own collection sack.

305
00:14:31,680 --> 00:14:34,480
That's plainly
not supposed to have happened.

306
00:14:34,840 --> 00:14:35,760
Oh, dear.

307
00:14:37,000 --> 00:14:39,160
Oh, God. It hit me in the face.

308
00:14:39,520 --> 00:14:40,560
[sighing]

309
00:14:40,720 --> 00:14:42,120
Oh...

310
00:14:42,280 --> 00:14:44,760
[sighing]

311
00:14:46,800 --> 00:14:49,560
Right. I'm attached to a tree
and my bag's stuck in the...

312
00:14:51,200 --> 00:14:52,760
Oh! Fucking hell.

313
00:14:55,400 --> 00:14:56,280
Ow.

314
00:14:57,480 --> 00:14:58,840
Bloody hell.

315
00:15:03,320 --> 00:15:04,680
[sighs] For fuck's sake.

316
00:15:04,880 --> 00:15:07,280
[upbeat music]

317
00:15:10,480 --> 00:15:11,600
[Jeremy] <i>I stuck at it</i>

318
00:15:11,800 --> 00:15:14,680
<i>until my ageing body could take no more.</i>

319
00:15:15,720 --> 00:15:16,960
Oh, my back.

320
00:15:17,240 --> 00:15:18,280
[sighing in pain]

321
00:15:19,600 --> 00:15:23,200
[Jeremy] <i>And then, I headed back
to the farm with my loot...</i>

322
00:15:24,040 --> 00:15:26,640
[Jeremy] Lovely.
Hundreds and hundreds of them.

323
00:15:28,160 --> 00:15:30,520
[Jeremy] <i>...where, it turned out,
there was a problem.</i>

324
00:15:32,280 --> 00:15:35,880
<i>Lucca had said he only wanted young,
sweet nettles.</i>

325
00:15:36,880 --> 00:15:40,000
<i>But my machine hadn't got the memo.</i>

326
00:15:41,320 --> 00:15:46,040
[Jeremy] I think it's harvested grass,
blackberries, trees,

327
00:15:46,240 --> 00:15:47,440
buildings.

328
00:15:47,600 --> 00:15:49,960
The best way to get nettles picked,
if you want nettles picked,

329
00:15:50,120 --> 00:15:51,840
is a few young lads there
from the farm shop.

330
00:15:53,920 --> 00:15:56,200
Do you think the kids in the shop
will go and pick nettles?

331
00:15:56,360 --> 00:15:58,080
Yeah. Definitely.

332
00:15:58,720 --> 00:15:59,960
Pay them £8.50 an hour.

333
00:16:00,120 --> 00:16:02,080
[Jeremy] But that brings me
onto the costings.

334
00:16:02,280 --> 00:16:04,360
So to make 200 jars,

335
00:16:04,560 --> 00:16:08,120
- we've got to spend £38 on butter.
- [Lucca] Okay.

336
00:16:08,280 --> 00:16:10,840
-£77 on cream.
- [Lucca] Right.

337
00:16:11,040 --> 00:16:13,160
The nettles are free. Well, they...

338
00:16:13,840 --> 00:16:17,400
But not if I have to start paying someone
to go and pick them.

339
00:16:17,960 --> 00:16:20,400
Potatoes, they're £6.40.

340
00:16:20,600 --> 00:16:24,600
Stock, which we bought
from the supermarket: £67.

341
00:16:25,120 --> 00:16:27,120
And the containers are £120.

342
00:16:27,280 --> 00:16:28,640
Labels will be £50.

343
00:16:28,800 --> 00:16:31,040
Now, I reckon we can sell them
for a fiver each.

344
00:16:31,200 --> 00:16:32,000
[Lucca] Easily.

345
00:16:32,160 --> 00:16:33,960
- [Jeremy] You reckon?
- Oh yeah. Big time.

346
00:16:34,160 --> 00:16:37,760
[Jeremy] <i>Sadly, before we had
a chance to finish the calculations,</i>

347
00:16:37,920 --> 00:16:40,960
<i>Mister Rules and Regulations arrived...</i>

348
00:16:41,120 --> 00:16:41,960
[Charlie] Hello.

349
00:16:42,160 --> 00:16:45,120
[Jeremy] <i>...to make his usual
tiresome contribution.</i>

350
00:16:46,040 --> 00:16:49,080
Has he got his Environmental Health?

351
00:16:49,280 --> 00:16:50,400
- Lucca?
- [Lucca] Yeah?

352
00:16:50,560 --> 00:16:52,240
Have you got your Environmental Health...

353
00:16:52,400 --> 00:16:53,920
- [Charlie] Certificate.
- Certificate?

354
00:16:54,080 --> 00:16:55,120
Yeah, yeah.

355
00:16:55,480 --> 00:16:56,480
That sounded like...

356
00:16:56,640 --> 00:16:59,080
[Charlie] It's almost like
Lisa said, "Yes, yes."

357
00:16:59,240 --> 00:17:00,160
[all laughing]

358
00:17:00,320 --> 00:17:04,480
[Jeremy] Do they teach you in Ireland how
to say, "Yeah, yeah" when you mean "no"?

359
00:17:04,640 --> 00:17:07,480
I'm convinced in Ireland
there's actual lessons

360
00:17:07,600 --> 00:17:10,480
where you go, "When someone asks
you a question and the answer is 'no',

361
00:17:10,640 --> 00:17:12,880
- say 'yes' but say it like this."
- [Charlie] Twice!

362
00:17:13,040 --> 00:17:14,160
-"Yeah, yeah."
- [Charlie] "Yeah, yeah."

363
00:17:14,320 --> 00:17:15,080
-"Yeah, yeah."
-"Yeah, yeah."

364
00:17:15,280 --> 00:17:16,760
Have you actually got it?

365
00:17:16,920 --> 00:17:18,680
Er, yeah, no. In fact...

366
00:17:18,800 --> 00:17:21,760
[Charlie] "Yeah, no!"
Okay! There's a variation on a theme!

367
00:17:22,440 --> 00:17:23,760
What goes in your nettle soup?

368
00:17:23,960 --> 00:17:26,760
- Butter, cream...
- [Jeremy] Yeah. What we're--

369
00:17:26,960 --> 00:17:28,800
Okay, so, you'll need to put
a "best before" label on it.

370
00:17:28,960 --> 00:17:29,800
[Jeremy] Yeah.

371
00:17:29,960 --> 00:17:32,000
- You haven't thought about that?
- Yeah, yeah.

372
00:17:32,160 --> 00:17:33,640
- [Charlie laughs]
- Yeah, no.

373
00:17:33,800 --> 00:17:34,680
Yeah, yeah.

374
00:17:34,800 --> 00:17:35,640
I'm learning.

375
00:17:35,800 --> 00:17:37,480
[soft music]

376
00:17:37,640 --> 00:17:40,520
[Jeremy] <i>Leaving Lucca to get on
with the soup operation,</i>

377
00:17:41,080 --> 00:17:44,880
<i>I went off to the wild-farmed
wheat and bean field</i>

378
00:17:45,040 --> 00:17:48,080
<i>to do chemistry with Andy Cato.</i>

379
00:17:49,440 --> 00:17:50,520
[Andy] This is a Brix test,

380
00:17:51,760 --> 00:17:54,080
which is gonna measure
the amount of sugar

381
00:17:54,320 --> 00:17:56,520
in whatever plant we test.

382
00:17:57,160 --> 00:17:59,760
So what we're gonna do
is gather some leaves,

383
00:18:00,560 --> 00:18:01,800
put them in the garlic crusher,

384
00:18:02,000 --> 00:18:05,080
squeeze a bit of liquid onto that lens
and see what it says.

385
00:18:06,400 --> 00:18:07,320
You wanna give it a whirl?

386
00:18:07,480 --> 00:18:10,080
When I thought I'd be a farmer
I never thought:

387
00:18:10,280 --> 00:18:13,760
"Oh, I need a garlic crusher, for sure,
and a microscope."

388
00:18:15,440 --> 00:18:17,800
[Andy] Grab some leaves.
You need more than you think.

389
00:18:18,920 --> 00:18:19,760
[Jeremy] Right.

390
00:18:21,320 --> 00:18:22,320
[Andy] There we go.

391
00:18:22,960 --> 00:18:25,560
- [Jeremy] Back at school now.
- Every day's a school day.

392
00:18:25,760 --> 00:18:27,880
So have a look through there,
towards the sun.

393
00:18:28,440 --> 00:18:31,800
And you should see
a blue bit and a white bit.

394
00:18:33,640 --> 00:18:35,640
[Jeremy] Just above five.
I'm gonna say six?

395
00:18:35,800 --> 00:18:36,560
[Andy] Six.

396
00:18:37,280 --> 00:18:41,240
That level of Brix means that the plants
haven't got all the nutrients they need.

397
00:18:42,080 --> 00:18:45,200
So we'll do a sap test, which is kind
of like a blood test for a plant.

398
00:18:46,320 --> 00:18:49,200
And the point is obviously
not to just go for the pretty ones.

399
00:18:49,400 --> 00:18:51,480
Just walk in a straight line
and take what's in front of you.

400
00:18:51,640 --> 00:18:52,480
[Jeremy] I've got you.

401
00:18:54,760 --> 00:18:55,560
[Andy] All right?

402
00:18:55,760 --> 00:18:57,800
Perfect. I'll get these off to the lab.

403
00:18:58,320 --> 00:19:00,440
[rock music]

404
00:19:00,560 --> 00:19:02,160
[Jeremy] <i>When the tests came back,</i>

405
00:19:02,320 --> 00:19:05,680
<i>I was away
filming again for</i> The Grand Tour.

406
00:19:05,800 --> 00:19:10,080
<i>So, Charlie and Kaleb
had to discuss the results with Andy.</i>

407
00:19:11,960 --> 00:19:13,560
[Charlie] Test results show...

408
00:19:14,560 --> 00:19:15,680
[Andy] Reveal.

409
00:19:17,320 --> 00:19:18,240
[Charlie] Erm...

410
00:19:18,400 --> 00:19:21,560
Blue's good. Green's good. Red is bad.

411
00:19:21,960 --> 00:19:23,520
- [Kaleb] Magnesium.
- [Charlie] Magnesium.

412
00:19:24,320 --> 00:19:27,320
[Charlie] So, to get the crops sort of,

413
00:19:27,560 --> 00:19:29,560
- you know, balanced out...
- [Kaleb] Balanced out.

414
00:19:29,760 --> 00:19:31,200
[Charlie] We need to put
some magnesium on them.

415
00:19:31,680 --> 00:19:35,440
Luckily, we can put that on
in a very simple form.

416
00:19:37,000 --> 00:19:38,320
Epsom salts.

417
00:19:38,480 --> 00:19:41,480
- [Andy] Bath salts.
- Bath salts. Literally.

418
00:19:41,680 --> 00:19:43,920
But I thought
we wasn't putting anything on this.

419
00:19:44,080 --> 00:19:45,920
- I thought we was just gonna leave it.
- [Andy] No, no, no.

420
00:19:46,080 --> 00:19:48,680
We can't just leave it
because we can't just sort of hope

421
00:19:48,800 --> 00:19:49,960
that the soil is at a point

422
00:19:50,080 --> 00:19:52,240
where it can provide the crop
with everything that it needs.

423
00:19:52,400 --> 00:19:55,720
And when things are lacking,
we use a natural nutritional product,

424
00:19:55,880 --> 00:19:57,640
like bath salts in this case,

425
00:19:57,800 --> 00:19:59,440
- to put it right.
- I see.

426
00:20:01,240 --> 00:20:03,440
[Jeremy] <i>I'm not sure he did see,</i>

427
00:20:03,640 --> 00:20:09,000
<i>judging by the amount of moaning he did
while applying the bath salts.</i>

428
00:20:11,320 --> 00:20:12,480
My wheat looks better.

429
00:20:12,960 --> 00:20:14,560
Why is it so patchy?

430
00:20:14,800 --> 00:20:16,280
Really green and then like...

431
00:20:17,800 --> 00:20:18,880
And really thin there.

432
00:20:19,560 --> 00:20:22,760
[Jeremy] <i>Moaning which carried on
even after he'd finished.</i>

433
00:20:23,800 --> 00:20:24,800
[Charlie] All right?

434
00:20:25,520 --> 00:20:28,240
I mean, he comes over, tells me,

435
00:20:28,400 --> 00:20:30,800
as a farmer, what to do,
you, what to do.

436
00:20:30,960 --> 00:20:34,320
I don't go to his house and say
he needs a guitar in a certain song.

437
00:20:34,560 --> 00:20:35,640
I'm not sure he's telling us what to do.

438
00:20:35,800 --> 00:20:39,080
I think he's giving us
the background of his ideas

439
00:20:39,240 --> 00:20:41,040
and how they want to grow stuff.

440
00:20:41,200 --> 00:20:42,080
It annoys me.

441
00:20:42,240 --> 00:20:44,480
Is that because
it's a different way of doing things?

442
00:20:44,680 --> 00:20:47,920
As a farmer, I don't like change.
I think every farmer don't like change.

443
00:20:48,440 --> 00:20:50,080
I hate this field now.

444
00:20:50,320 --> 00:20:51,680
[upbeat music]

445
00:20:52,960 --> 00:20:55,320
[Jeremy] <i>When I came back
from my filming trip,</i>

446
00:20:55,480 --> 00:20:59,200
<i>I decided we should get on
with the dam repairs.</i>

447
00:20:59,320 --> 00:21:02,520
<i>And, to stop the arguing
this usually caused,</i>

448
00:21:02,680 --> 00:21:05,880
<i>Kaleb and I said we should "transition."</i>

449
00:21:06,800 --> 00:21:08,560
- Remember, when you put this on...
- Yeah?

450
00:21:08,760 --> 00:21:09,960
We are construction workers.

451
00:21:10,080 --> 00:21:11,560
- Right. Not farmers.
- Exactly.

452
00:21:12,560 --> 00:21:14,080
So I'm now perfectly safe.

453
00:21:14,320 --> 00:21:15,560
Like a cup of tea?

454
00:21:15,760 --> 00:21:16,800
- Tea break?
- Yeah.

455
00:21:17,280 --> 00:21:18,560
Ten o'clock. Tea.

456
00:21:18,880 --> 00:21:20,080
- [Jeremy chuckles]
- All right.

457
00:21:20,240 --> 00:21:21,800
[Jeremy] All right. Tea break. Then what?

458
00:21:22,040 --> 00:21:23,040
[Kaleb] We roll a fag.

459
00:21:23,560 --> 00:21:26,000
Then another tea break
when we smoke the cigarette?

460
00:21:26,200 --> 00:21:28,880
No, no, no, no. No. Don't smoke
the cigarette on your tea break.

461
00:21:29,040 --> 00:21:31,160
You have your tea and then
smoke it when you start work again.

462
00:21:31,320 --> 00:21:34,720
So anyone in construction's going to be
very angry with us for saying this.

463
00:21:34,880 --> 00:21:36,640
I don't think so. I think
they understand. I think they know.

464
00:21:36,800 --> 00:21:38,040
They know exactly what they're doing.

465
00:21:38,200 --> 00:21:39,000
[Jeremy laughs]

466
00:21:39,200 --> 00:21:40,760
[upbeat music]

467
00:21:40,920 --> 00:21:44,320
[Jeremy] <i>Job one was to drop
some clay off at the side of the dam.</i>

468
00:21:45,960 --> 00:21:47,720
[Jeremy] Oh, God strewth.

469
00:21:50,560 --> 00:21:51,960
[wheelbarrow beeping]

470
00:21:53,720 --> 00:21:54,600
[Kaleb] Er...

471
00:21:55,160 --> 00:21:56,040
[Jeremy] What?

472
00:21:57,320 --> 00:21:58,160
What?

473
00:21:59,120 --> 00:22:00,960
[Kaleb] A little bit of clay
went in there.

474
00:22:01,160 --> 00:22:03,000
- [Kaleb chuckles]
- [Jeremy] A little bit?

475
00:22:04,320 --> 00:22:07,080
- We'd better discuss that.
- [Kaleb] Over a cup of tea!

476
00:22:07,240 --> 00:22:08,760
[Jeremy laughs]

477
00:22:10,920 --> 00:22:13,480
[Kaleb and Jeremy sighing contentedly]

478
00:22:18,160 --> 00:22:19,080
[sighing]

479
00:22:20,040 --> 00:22:20,840
[Jeremy sighing]

480
00:22:21,000 --> 00:22:23,680
[Jeremy] Who've we got tomorrow?
Is it West Brom? No.

481
00:22:23,840 --> 00:22:24,680
Who, Chelsea?

482
00:22:24,840 --> 00:22:26,200
No. Brentford.

483
00:22:26,400 --> 00:22:28,400
- [Kaleb] You're gonna lose that.
- Oh I know we are.

484
00:22:28,560 --> 00:22:29,840
I think we could be relegated.

485
00:22:30,000 --> 00:22:32,560
I think we're gonna meet Wrexham
coming the other way.

486
00:22:32,720 --> 00:22:35,360
You may as well join them.
Get in for the fame. Ryan Reynolds.

487
00:22:35,520 --> 00:22:37,400
Fucking hell, we've got Chadlington now.

488
00:22:37,600 --> 00:22:40,280
I was with him in the pub,
actually, on Saturday night.

489
00:22:40,440 --> 00:22:42,160
They'd just won. They won on Saturday.

490
00:22:42,320 --> 00:22:45,040
This guy come up to me and he was like,
"I could beat you in arm wrestle."

491
00:22:45,200 --> 00:22:46,280
- Oh, I saw that.
- Really?

492
00:22:46,440 --> 00:22:48,360
-"I could beat you in arm wrestle-"
- But you beat him.

493
00:22:48,520 --> 00:22:51,240
I said, "All right, if I beat you,
you buy me a pint.

494
00:22:51,400 --> 00:22:53,320
If I beat you I'll buy you a pint."
[Kaleb's voice fading out]

495
00:22:56,480 --> 00:22:58,520
[Jeremy's voice fading in]
I know someone who married

496
00:22:58,680 --> 00:23:00,600
his step-mother's sister,

497
00:23:00,920 --> 00:23:04,160
which made it...
I think it made him his own uncle.

498
00:23:05,040 --> 00:23:07,400
Yeah, he became his own uncle.

499
00:23:08,800 --> 00:23:10,680
[sipping and sighing]

500
00:23:12,840 --> 00:23:13,640
[sighing]

501
00:23:16,560 --> 00:23:17,880
- Finished?
- Yeah.

502
00:23:18,040 --> 00:23:19,080
Let's roll a fag.

503
00:23:19,240 --> 00:23:20,560
[both laughing]

504
00:23:21,720 --> 00:23:25,280
[Jeremy] <i>The next job was to set up
the laser to get the right levels,</i>

505
00:23:25,760 --> 00:23:27,040
<i>and then remove the pipe...</i>

506
00:23:27,240 --> 00:23:28,520
[Kaleb] No. Wow.

507
00:23:28,680 --> 00:23:30,720
[Jeremy] <i>...so we could pack in the clay.</i>

508
00:23:31,880 --> 00:23:32,800
[Kaleb] Yeah.

509
00:23:33,400 --> 00:23:35,080
[Jeremy] <i>But before we could do that,</i>

510
00:23:35,280 --> 00:23:38,640
<i>we had to reduce
the water level in the pond.</i>

511
00:23:39,200 --> 00:23:40,480
The problem we've got...

512
00:23:40,640 --> 00:23:42,040
That's the overflow pipe,

513
00:23:42,240 --> 00:23:43,840
which you can just see there,

514
00:23:44,000 --> 00:23:47,000
and it's obviously blocked because
there's hardly anything coming out

515
00:23:47,200 --> 00:23:48,800
at the other end down there.

516
00:23:49,840 --> 00:23:51,840
If we can get that clear with some rods,

517
00:23:52,040 --> 00:23:53,880
that will take a lot of the water,

518
00:23:54,440 --> 00:23:58,440
which will reduce the amount of water
going through the dam site.

519
00:23:59,400 --> 00:24:02,880
[Jeremy] <i>This meant Kaleb
had to get into another gimp suit.</i>

520
00:24:04,560 --> 00:24:05,320
[Kaleb moaning]

521
00:24:05,520 --> 00:24:07,800
- [Kaleb] That's deep.
- It's just silty. It's all right.

522
00:24:07,960 --> 00:24:10,480
- [Kaleb] That's deep.
- It's only seven feet of it.

523
00:24:10,680 --> 00:24:12,200
[Kaleb panting]

524
00:24:12,400 --> 00:24:14,880
I never thought I'd be doing sewage work.

525
00:24:18,240 --> 00:24:19,880
- [Jeremy] I think that--
- [Kaleb] There it is.

526
00:24:20,040 --> 00:24:21,840
Is it running faster?

527
00:24:23,360 --> 00:24:25,360
[Jeremy] No. That's hardly made
a difference.

528
00:24:25,520 --> 00:24:27,320
It's still got a blockage in there, mate.

529
00:24:27,520 --> 00:24:29,080
[groaning]

530
00:24:29,280 --> 00:24:31,520
[Jeremy] <i>We tried unblocking it
from the other end.</i>

531
00:24:31,720 --> 00:24:33,080
[pumping]

532
00:24:37,280 --> 00:24:39,080
<i>But that didn't work either.</i>

533
00:24:39,680 --> 00:24:40,560
[Kaleb] No.

534
00:24:41,440 --> 00:24:44,080
[Jeremy] <i>So, there was only
one thing we could do.</i>

535
00:24:44,960 --> 00:24:45,880
[exhaling]

536
00:24:51,960 --> 00:24:54,720
What if we squirted
a fire extinguisher down it?

537
00:24:55,400 --> 00:24:56,400
That wouldn't work, would it?

538
00:24:56,560 --> 00:24:58,840
It would massively
increase the pressure, wouldn't it?

539
00:24:59,280 --> 00:25:01,600
Yeah, but I don't think it would...
A fire extinguisher?

540
00:25:02,000 --> 00:25:05,440
Hey! You remember
that pump I bought for irrigating...

541
00:25:05,600 --> 00:25:06,440
The trout lake!

542
00:25:06,600 --> 00:25:07,920
[Jeremy] Yeah, the trout lake.

543
00:25:08,120 --> 00:25:11,000
You remember I bought that pump
which was useless?

544
00:25:11,160 --> 00:25:12,000
Well, it was too powerful.

545
00:25:12,200 --> 00:25:14,400
- Yeah.
- [Jeremy] If we squirted that down there,

546
00:25:14,560 --> 00:25:15,640
that would blow anything out.

547
00:25:16,280 --> 00:25:17,200
[Kaleb] Yeah.

548
00:25:17,880 --> 00:25:22,280
See, if you just take
a moment over a cup of tea.

549
00:25:22,720 --> 00:25:24,200
We've had about 18 today.

550
00:25:24,400 --> 00:25:25,560
[engine sputtering]

551
00:25:26,600 --> 00:25:27,400
[Kaleb] Wow.

552
00:25:28,480 --> 00:25:30,360
[Kaleb chuckles]

553
00:25:34,880 --> 00:25:37,000
- [Kaleb screams]
- [Jeremy] Get it in there.

554
00:25:37,200 --> 00:25:39,280
- Fucking hell!
- [Jeremy] Good.

555
00:25:40,080 --> 00:25:41,720
[engine stops]

556
00:25:42,520 --> 00:25:43,880
[Kaleb laughs]

557
00:25:44,040 --> 00:25:45,120
[Jeremy] Shit.

558
00:25:45,720 --> 00:25:47,880
[Kaleb] Take that end off,
let the air go out that end,

559
00:25:48,080 --> 00:25:49,240
then I might be able to take
it back out again.

560
00:25:49,440 --> 00:25:51,640
- Why don't I just do the little...?
- [Kaleb] The little nut at the top.

561
00:25:52,760 --> 00:25:55,720
- Oh! Fucking hell!
- [Kaleb laughs]

562
00:25:56,200 --> 00:25:57,080
[Kaleb] Let's try again.

563
00:25:57,280 --> 00:25:58,840
[engine roaring]

564
00:26:00,160 --> 00:26:01,560
No! [gasps]

565
00:26:02,400 --> 00:26:04,160
[spitting]

566
00:26:05,080 --> 00:26:07,320
[Kaleb grunting]

567
00:26:07,520 --> 00:26:09,400
[spitting]

568
00:26:10,000 --> 00:26:11,360
I can't do it.

569
00:26:12,400 --> 00:26:14,080
[engine stops]

570
00:26:14,480 --> 00:26:16,960
[Jeremy] Well, there's nothing
I can think we can do.

571
00:26:17,120 --> 00:26:17,960
[Kaleb] Yeah, I know.

572
00:26:19,080 --> 00:26:22,240
Right. So what we've achieved today is...

573
00:26:23,280 --> 00:26:24,400
nothing.

574
00:26:27,320 --> 00:26:29,120
Get me out of these things.

575
00:26:30,000 --> 00:26:31,840
No. Wait. We've gone backwards.

576
00:26:32,000 --> 00:26:36,400
We've taken the big black pipe
out of the trench

577
00:26:37,200 --> 00:26:38,920
and then left it there.

578
00:26:40,800 --> 00:26:41,720
[Kaleb] What's the time?

579
00:26:41,920 --> 00:26:43,000
Five? Five-thirty?

580
00:26:43,160 --> 00:26:45,760
[Kaleb] Christ.
Construction and we're still working?

581
00:26:45,960 --> 00:26:46,960
[Jeremy] That's a good point.

582
00:26:47,120 --> 00:26:48,960
We should have been finished
three hours ago.

583
00:26:49,160 --> 00:26:50,840
[Jeremy chuckles] Let's go.

584
00:26:52,840 --> 00:26:54,280
[tense music]

585
00:26:54,440 --> 00:26:55,320
[Jeremy] <i>The next day,</i>

586
00:26:55,520 --> 00:26:57,640
<i>Kaleb and I became farmers again</i>

587
00:26:57,800 --> 00:26:59,640
<i>and went for a crop walk</i>

588
00:27:00,360 --> 00:27:02,760
<i>in one of the barley fields.</i>

589
00:27:03,600 --> 00:27:04,720
[Jeremy] All this...

590
00:27:04,920 --> 00:27:07,000
- [Kaleb] Yeah?
- Will be lager.

591
00:27:07,360 --> 00:27:08,960
[Kaleb] Looks good this year, dunnit?

592
00:27:09,120 --> 00:27:12,160
[Jeremy] How many acres
have we put in there of spring barley?

593
00:27:12,360 --> 00:27:13,800
[Kaleb] Here? You'll probably get
about 300 tonnes.

594
00:27:13,960 --> 00:27:15,600
[Jeremy] So 300 tonnes
of spring barley.

595
00:27:15,760 --> 00:27:17,200
[Kaleb] How much does that make
in terms of pints?

596
00:27:17,360 --> 00:27:19,000
- [Jeremy] It's lots.
- [Kaleb laughs]

597
00:27:19,160 --> 00:27:22,080
- [Jeremy] Where's that come from?
- [Kaleb] I have no idea.

598
00:27:22,240 --> 00:27:23,560
But it doesn't wanna be there.

599
00:27:23,760 --> 00:27:24,840
Wanna carry that one out?

600
00:27:26,280 --> 00:27:27,520
If it hits the combine header...

601
00:27:27,680 --> 00:27:28,720
[Jeremy] Yeah.

602
00:27:29,760 --> 00:27:31,720
Our pet stones. Our pet rocks.

603
00:27:32,200 --> 00:27:33,320
Mine's called Ronald.

604
00:27:33,480 --> 00:27:34,760
[Kaleb] Mine's called Donald.

605
00:27:35,400 --> 00:27:36,360
[Jeremy] Anyway.

606
00:27:38,080 --> 00:27:39,680
- Ahem.
- [Kaleb] What?

607
00:27:40,200 --> 00:27:43,080
[Jeremy] Well you've missed again.

608
00:27:43,240 --> 00:27:45,080
[Kaleb] It's a little bit thinner,
admittedly, but...

609
00:27:45,240 --> 00:27:47,840
[Jeremy] I thought after last year
with "Kaleb's Crack"...

610
00:27:48,000 --> 00:27:49,200
[Kaleb] Oh, come on!

611
00:27:49,400 --> 00:27:51,040
There's about 60 pints

612
00:27:51,640 --> 00:27:53,000
of Hawkstone lost.

613
00:27:53,840 --> 00:27:56,040
You're no one to talk.

614
00:27:56,200 --> 00:27:58,760
- [Jeremy] What?
- You can't say this to me.

615
00:27:59,120 --> 00:28:01,360
- [Jeremy] Really? Why?
- Have you seen Louse?

616
00:28:01,560 --> 00:28:03,600
- Not recently.
- [Kaleb] I think we should go up there.

617
00:28:03,800 --> 00:28:05,000
[tense music]

618
00:28:05,200 --> 00:28:07,800
[Jeremy] All right. You are free, stone.

619
00:28:09,120 --> 00:28:10,840
[Jeremy] <i>Kaleb then took me to Louse,</i>

620
00:28:11,000 --> 00:28:13,800
<i>the field where I'd planted my mustard...</i>

621
00:28:14,440 --> 00:28:15,840
<i>and let rip.</i>

622
00:28:16,680 --> 00:28:18,200
[Kaleb] So, look,
you started drilling here.

623
00:28:18,360 --> 00:28:20,720
That's where we started, yeah?
Lovely lines.

624
00:28:20,880 --> 00:28:23,360
You can see the mustard coming up.

625
00:28:23,520 --> 00:28:25,040
- [Jeremy] Yeah.
- And then you come along.

626
00:28:26,880 --> 00:28:28,440
Fucking great miss.

627
00:28:28,840 --> 00:28:30,320
But don't worry about it.
Just keep coming.

628
00:28:30,880 --> 00:28:32,640
Beautiful lines there, look.

629
00:28:33,640 --> 00:28:35,200
Oh, look, another miss.

630
00:28:36,120 --> 00:28:38,960
And then: "Oh, fucking hell,
I may as well just miss this bit as well.

631
00:28:39,120 --> 00:28:40,000
What's the point of drilling that?"

632
00:28:40,840 --> 00:28:42,960
[Jeremy] It's those bloody arms
that come out.

633
00:28:43,120 --> 00:28:47,160
An earwig would leave a more noticeable
trace if it walked across the field.

634
00:28:48,040 --> 00:28:49,960
I knew when I was doing it.

635
00:28:50,120 --> 00:28:52,080
But I thought I was going
over everything twice

636
00:28:52,240 --> 00:28:54,040
rather than missing bits.

637
00:28:56,720 --> 00:28:58,000
[Kaleb] Well, you fucked up.

638
00:28:58,480 --> 00:28:59,440
[upbeat music]

639
00:29:02,400 --> 00:29:04,880
[Jeremy] <i>Happily, my soup enterprise</i>

640
00:29:05,080 --> 00:29:06,800
<i>was proving to be more successful.</i>

641
00:29:07,520 --> 00:29:10,720
<i>Lucca had rounded up some youths
to pick the nettles,</i>

642
00:29:12,320 --> 00:29:14,000
<i>cooked up a big batch,</i>

643
00:29:14,480 --> 00:29:18,480
<i>and dealt with Charlie's
best before date issues.</i>

644
00:29:18,920 --> 00:29:23,160
<i>But then, when I sat down
to finally work out the pricing,</i>

645
00:29:23,360 --> 00:29:25,760
<i>everything went a bit wrong.</i>

646
00:29:27,240 --> 00:29:29,960
[Jeremy mumbles]

647
00:29:34,400 --> 00:29:36,440
Oh, God. This is...

648
00:29:39,760 --> 00:29:41,280
Jesus.

649
00:29:42,240 --> 00:29:43,520
[Jeremy] <i>I headed up to the shop</i>

650
00:29:43,680 --> 00:29:47,760
<i>knowing that I had to go
on a charm offensive with Lisa.</i>

651
00:29:50,400 --> 00:29:51,960
- [Lisa] Hello!
- Look what I have brought!

652
00:29:52,160 --> 00:29:54,040
- Woodland Juice!
- Oh, my God.

653
00:29:54,200 --> 00:29:57,080
- Chilled nettle soup.
- Oh wow.

654
00:29:58,040 --> 00:29:59,520
Woodland Juice. I love the name.

655
00:29:59,680 --> 00:30:02,920
Yes, Woodland Juice.
Chilled and delicious.

656
00:30:03,080 --> 00:30:03,880
Wow.

657
00:30:04,080 --> 00:30:07,080
[Jeremy] Yeah. The only
slight problem with that

658
00:30:07,280 --> 00:30:10,080
is that you have got to convince
the customers

659
00:30:10,680 --> 00:30:12,640
to put nettles in their mouths

660
00:30:13,400 --> 00:30:14,680
and pay

661
00:30:15,160 --> 00:30:17,280
£10 for the privilege of doing it.

662
00:30:17,440 --> 00:30:18,440
[Lisa] Why £10?

663
00:30:18,600 --> 00:30:19,440
£10.

664
00:30:19,600 --> 00:30:20,480
[Lisa] Why?

665
00:30:20,640 --> 00:30:22,200
I've done the maths.

666
00:30:22,400 --> 00:30:23,920
Wouldn't you do the maths
before you make--

667
00:30:24,120 --> 00:30:25,480
I did do the maths before.

668
00:30:25,640 --> 00:30:27,960
But, to harvest them,

669
00:30:28,120 --> 00:30:30,360
- we had to get kids.
- Yeah?

670
00:30:30,520 --> 00:30:32,760
[Jeremy] They worked for eight hours,

671
00:30:32,960 --> 00:30:36,400
picking the nettles, pulling the top
leaves off and then washing them.

672
00:30:36,560 --> 00:30:38,960
And they only produced
enough for 80 pots.

673
00:30:39,120 --> 00:30:41,560
So you thought kids worked for free?

674
00:30:41,760 --> 00:30:43,640
I didn't think I was gonna have
to use kids. I thought I was going

675
00:30:43,840 --> 00:30:46,600
to be able to do it using the machine,
but that doesn't work.

676
00:30:46,760 --> 00:30:48,320
You're gonna have to take a loss on that.

677
00:30:48,480 --> 00:30:50,040
I'm not taking a loss!

678
00:30:50,200 --> 00:30:52,640
Well, then they won't sell at all.
So work it out.

679
00:30:52,840 --> 00:30:54,920
And there's another problem.

680
00:30:55,280 --> 00:30:57,240
- [Lisa] I can see the date.
- Yes.

681
00:30:57,840 --> 00:30:59,400
You've got a three-day shelf life.

682
00:30:59,560 --> 00:31:02,920
And the production day counts
as day one, which was yesterday.

683
00:31:03,080 --> 00:31:04,720
So today's day two.

684
00:31:05,440 --> 00:31:07,880
And they must be sold
by the end of play tomorrow.

685
00:31:08,080 --> 00:31:09,320
Well, you know we're closed today.

686
00:31:09,640 --> 00:31:11,120
- [Jeremy] What?
- Stock.

687
00:31:11,320 --> 00:31:13,960
Stock count.
You know I do stock on Wednesdays.

688
00:31:16,000 --> 00:31:18,120
Well, this is my stock take.
Look. I'm doing all my stock.

689
00:31:18,280 --> 00:31:20,760
Yes, I know.
But I've got eighty of these to sell.

690
00:31:20,920 --> 00:31:22,600
Well, you'd better stand
on the road then.

691
00:31:22,800 --> 00:31:24,160
[Jeremy] Try selling it for £10.

692
00:31:24,320 --> 00:31:25,840
No. It won't sell for £10.

693
00:31:26,000 --> 00:31:27,440
[Jeremy] Well, do it for £9.99.

694
00:31:27,600 --> 00:31:29,960
I can give them as an offer.

695
00:31:30,120 --> 00:31:32,360
No, don't. Please? Try?

696
00:31:36,120 --> 00:31:37,200
[tense music]

697
00:31:37,360 --> 00:31:40,160
[Jeremy] <i>I drove away feeling like
one of those</i> Apprentice <i>candidates</i>

698
00:31:40,800 --> 00:31:43,160
<i>that get fired in week one.</i>

699
00:31:44,720 --> 00:31:47,520
<i>And the next day, when the shop reopened,</i>

700
00:31:47,680 --> 00:31:51,880
<i>the nettle soup
best-before-date countdown began.</i>

701
00:31:52,080 --> 00:31:53,000
[music continues]

702
00:32:09,960 --> 00:32:12,840
It's nettle soup, for £9.99.

703
00:32:13,000 --> 00:32:14,120
Are you serious?

704
00:32:14,680 --> 00:32:16,960
[music continues]

705
00:32:17,120 --> 00:32:20,600
[Jeremy] <i>At closing time,
Lisa was not happy.</i>

706
00:32:22,160 --> 00:32:24,800
It's ridiculous.
I can't do anything with these.

707
00:32:24,960 --> 00:32:26,960
And he doesn't plan in advance.

708
00:32:27,120 --> 00:32:28,840
He gives me no warning.

709
00:32:29,000 --> 00:32:33,480
He just brings me these soups
with his eejit face on them,

710
00:32:33,640 --> 00:32:35,760
charges a tenner, and says: "Sell them."

711
00:32:35,920 --> 00:32:39,320
And it's not fair. It's stupid.
It kind of makes the shop look stupid

712
00:32:39,480 --> 00:32:41,960
that he's selling these for a tenner
in order for him...

713
00:32:42,120 --> 00:32:43,480
[Lisa's voice fading out]

714
00:32:44,400 --> 00:32:45,800
[tense music]

715
00:32:45,960 --> 00:32:47,840
[Jeremy] <i>With my nettle soup causing</i>

716
00:32:48,000 --> 00:32:52,800
<i>so much aggravation
on both the economic and domestic front,</i>

717
00:32:53,000 --> 00:32:55,200
<i>I decided to abandon it</i>

718
00:32:55,760 --> 00:32:58,640
<i>and concentrate on the mushrooms.</i>

719
00:33:02,040 --> 00:33:04,480
<i>Alan had brought power to the bunker,</i>

720
00:33:04,840 --> 00:33:07,680
<i>installed all the necessary equipment...</i>

721
00:33:08,280 --> 00:33:11,600
And look at this.
Health and safety. Very unusual.

722
00:33:13,080 --> 00:33:14,680
- [Jeremy] What is it?
- It's to hold the roof up.

723
00:33:14,840 --> 00:33:16,880
- It's a roll cage.
- Yeah, right!

724
00:33:17,080 --> 00:33:20,960
[Jeremy] <i>And once Walter White
had finished disinfecting everything,</i>

725
00:33:21,120 --> 00:33:25,120
<i>we were ready to take delivery
of the first batch.</i>

726
00:33:28,440 --> 00:33:30,200
Are you the mushroom fellows?

727
00:33:30,360 --> 00:33:31,800
[Oscar] We are the mushroom men.

728
00:33:34,600 --> 00:33:35,720
[Alan] Oh, my God, Jeremy.

729
00:33:35,880 --> 00:33:38,280
- [Jeremy] Holy cow.
- [Alan] Holy Moses.

730
00:33:38,440 --> 00:33:41,320
[Oscar] You've got
just a couple of bags there for you.

731
00:33:41,480 --> 00:33:44,400
[Jeremy] So, how many
different types of mushroom?

732
00:33:44,560 --> 00:33:46,160
[Rafe] Three different types of mushroom.

733
00:33:46,360 --> 00:33:48,200
- [Jeremy] Which are?
- You've got grey oysters,

734
00:33:48,360 --> 00:33:50,920
speckled chestnuts, lion's mane.

735
00:33:51,120 --> 00:33:52,920
- [Jeremy] What?
- It makes a good steak.

736
00:33:53,120 --> 00:33:54,040
[Jeremy] With lion's mane?

737
00:33:54,240 --> 00:33:56,400
- [Oscar] Yeah. Slice it--
- Cows make a good steak.

738
00:33:57,120 --> 00:33:59,080
So do mushrooms. Yeah.

739
00:33:59,240 --> 00:34:01,040
What's he on about? Steak mushroom?

740
00:34:01,200 --> 00:34:02,440
- Yeah!
- [Alan] Ridiculous.

741
00:34:02,640 --> 00:34:05,280
- [Rafe laughs]
- [Jeremy] What's actually in these bags?

742
00:34:06,440 --> 00:34:08,840
[Rafe] It's kind of a combination
of whatever we've got

743
00:34:09,000 --> 00:34:10,040
that's available to us locally.

744
00:34:10,160 --> 00:34:12,440
So we go round local sawmills,

745
00:34:12,640 --> 00:34:15,080
anyone that produces anything
that has a waste organic matter,

746
00:34:15,200 --> 00:34:16,800
we will go round and collect it.

747
00:34:17,000 --> 00:34:19,280
How do mushrooms know to grow in it?

748
00:34:19,440 --> 00:34:21,600
Or do they just grow
in anything that's organic?

749
00:34:21,760 --> 00:34:23,920
I mean, they pretty much
would grow in anything organic.

750
00:34:24,080 --> 00:34:26,160
Like the oyster
you could grow off fabric.

751
00:34:26,360 --> 00:34:28,680
- People grow off hats, clothes, shoes.
- Hats?

752
00:34:28,880 --> 00:34:29,640
Anything.

753
00:34:29,840 --> 00:34:31,320
- You get very small yields.
- [Rafe] Yeah.

754
00:34:31,480 --> 00:34:32,640
- [Jeremy] Hats?
- Yeah.

755
00:34:32,880 --> 00:34:34,160
[Jeremy] Okay, well, look.
Let's get them in, shall we?

756
00:34:34,360 --> 00:34:35,160
[Rafe] Yeah.

757
00:34:35,360 --> 00:34:36,280
[groaning]

758
00:34:37,080 --> 00:34:38,400
[upbeat music]

759
00:34:43,200 --> 00:34:44,480
[Jeremy] There's more.

760
00:34:47,480 --> 00:34:49,320
- A lot more.
- [Alan] Fucking hell.

761
00:34:50,640 --> 00:34:52,880
I ain't taking the piss: we ain't gonna
get that lot in there, are we?

762
00:34:55,280 --> 00:34:56,960
I think I've overbought.

763
00:34:57,160 --> 00:34:59,640
[upbeat music continues]

764
00:35:02,160 --> 00:35:04,080
I've definitely overbought.

765
00:35:06,440 --> 00:35:07,320
[Alan] Jesus.

766
00:35:07,520 --> 00:35:10,160
You're gonna have more mushrooms
than Sainsbury's, I'm telling you.

767
00:35:10,320 --> 00:35:11,640
- Look.
- [Jeremy] Stop moaning!

768
00:35:15,280 --> 00:35:16,600
[Jeremy] <i>As we filled the shelves,</i>

769
00:35:17,120 --> 00:35:21,560
<i>I was sucked into
a truly extraordinary biology lesson.</i>

770
00:35:22,760 --> 00:35:26,600
[Rafe] The mushroom is just the sexual
reproductive organ of mycelium.

771
00:35:26,760 --> 00:35:28,800
I don't know
what that word is you keep using.

772
00:35:28,960 --> 00:35:29,880
Mycelium.

773
00:35:30,040 --> 00:35:31,440
[Rafe] The mycelium is the organism.

774
00:35:31,600 --> 00:35:33,160
The mushroom
is the sexual reproductive organ.

775
00:35:33,360 --> 00:35:37,640
The sexual reproductive organ
of the mycelium is the mushroom?

776
00:35:37,880 --> 00:35:39,920
- Yeah.
- [Jeremy] So a mushroom is a penis?

777
00:35:40,080 --> 00:35:44,360
A mushroom is a penis.
Its whole objective in life is to fruit,

778
00:35:44,520 --> 00:35:47,120
release as many spores as possible
and then die.

779
00:35:47,320 --> 00:35:49,680
So when I see a vegan eating a mushroom,

780
00:35:50,120 --> 00:35:52,680
you can go: "You're actually eating
a meaty penis"?

781
00:35:52,880 --> 00:35:56,960
"Get that penis out your mouth."
Yeah! You absolutely can!

782
00:35:57,160 --> 00:35:59,120
[Jeremy] What does a mycelium look like?

783
00:35:59,280 --> 00:36:00,600
[Rafe] It's an organism.

784
00:36:00,800 --> 00:36:04,760
- It's an organism? So, like me?
- [Rafe] Like us. Exactly.

785
00:36:06,360 --> 00:36:09,640
In fact, we are very,
very closely related to mycelium.

786
00:36:10,560 --> 00:36:12,480
More so than anything else
on this planet.

787
00:36:12,640 --> 00:36:13,640
- What?
- [Rafe] Yeah.

788
00:36:14,360 --> 00:36:18,120
As humans we still have a layer
of mycelium across our body.

789
00:36:18,280 --> 00:36:20,920
What-- You could grow mushrooms on me?

790
00:36:21,080 --> 00:36:22,920
[Rafe] We could definitely
grow mushrooms on you.

791
00:36:23,080 --> 00:36:24,640
We'd have to kill you first,

792
00:36:24,800 --> 00:36:26,840
- but we could grow mushrooms off you.
- But you could?

793
00:36:27,800 --> 00:36:30,400
[Jeremy] <i>As we sanitised
the front of the bags,</i>

794
00:36:30,560 --> 00:36:33,760
<i>my biology lesson got even weirder.</i>

795
00:36:35,160 --> 00:36:37,360
[Jeremy] But mycelium is...

796
00:36:37,560 --> 00:36:39,520
Where is it on the DNA?

797
00:36:39,640 --> 00:36:42,160
Is it like dinosaurs or like us?

798
00:36:42,360 --> 00:36:43,680
[Rafe] There's different theories
for everything.

799
00:36:43,880 --> 00:36:46,840
One of the leading ones is
it actually comes from space.

800
00:36:47,040 --> 00:36:48,840
That's what they believe.
They've found

801
00:36:49,600 --> 00:36:52,440
mycelial-like structures on asteroids

802
00:36:53,320 --> 00:36:55,000
and bits of debris from space.

803
00:36:55,440 --> 00:36:59,000
Well, that means
mushrooms are space penises.

804
00:36:59,160 --> 00:36:59,960
[Rafe] Yeah.

805
00:37:00,120 --> 00:37:02,560
That's how
I'm gonna sell them in the shop.

806
00:37:02,880 --> 00:37:05,160
-"Jeremy's Special Space Penises."
- [Rafe laughs]

807
00:37:05,360 --> 00:37:07,200
[Rafe] Won't even label them
as a mushroom! Just...

808
00:37:07,400 --> 00:37:09,120
"Space Penises."

809
00:37:11,280 --> 00:37:15,160
[Jeremy] <i>Having made cuts in the bags
for the space penises to grow through,</i>

810
00:37:15,680 --> 00:37:17,440
<i>we switched on the humidifier</i>

811
00:37:18,960 --> 00:37:21,560
<i>and let the magic commence.</i>

812
00:37:23,320 --> 00:37:26,040
- [Rafe] That's a good job. It looks good.
- [Jeremy] Right.

813
00:37:26,200 --> 00:37:29,080
[tense music]

814
00:37:33,040 --> 00:37:35,760
[Jeremy] <i>I left the bunker
pleased that the mushroom men</i>

815
00:37:35,920 --> 00:37:37,760
<i>were happy with my setup.</i>

816
00:37:39,800 --> 00:37:42,880
<i>And the next day,
I set about building a pen</i>

817
00:37:44,440 --> 00:37:47,400
<i>for some new Diddly Squat arrivals.</i>

818
00:37:47,920 --> 00:37:49,640
[Jeremy] They're like a week old.
They're a week old.

819
00:37:49,840 --> 00:37:50,640
[Lisa] Oh!

820
00:37:51,320 --> 00:37:54,440
[Jeremy] <i>I was very much looking forward
to this event.</i>

821
00:37:55,000 --> 00:37:56,160
<i>Kaleb, though,</i>

822
00:37:56,960 --> 00:37:57,880
<i>less so.</i>

823
00:37:58,640 --> 00:38:00,320
Look at the shed space it's using.

824
00:38:00,480 --> 00:38:02,560
- [Jeremy] What?
- Look at the shed space it's using.

825
00:38:02,680 --> 00:38:05,320
Listen, Kaleb. Let me just
try and explain something to you.

826
00:38:05,480 --> 00:38:06,360
[Kaleb] Go.

827
00:38:06,840 --> 00:38:08,400
The subsidies are going.

828
00:38:08,600 --> 00:38:09,520
Yes. I'm aware of that.

829
00:38:09,640 --> 00:38:12,280
[Jeremy] They're going to be replaced
with environmental subsidies.

830
00:38:12,440 --> 00:38:13,200
Yeah.

831
00:38:13,440 --> 00:38:17,760
Things like using goats
to create more farmland.

832
00:38:17,960 --> 00:38:21,320
I've seen these subsidies, yeah?
And I've not seen goats on that list.

833
00:38:21,520 --> 00:38:23,640
I'll bet you any money
I'll get a grant for the goats.

834
00:38:24,560 --> 00:38:28,320
Because I am going to be using goats

835
00:38:28,480 --> 00:38:30,640
to do what a machine would normally do,

836
00:38:30,840 --> 00:38:33,400
which will count
as environmental farming.

837
00:38:35,400 --> 00:38:39,520
[Jeremy] <i>Bottom line: I needed to clear
as many brambles as possible</i>

838
00:38:39,640 --> 00:38:41,960
<i>from my unfarmed land.</i>

839
00:38:43,000 --> 00:38:43,960
<i>And annoyingly,</i>

840
00:38:44,120 --> 00:38:48,560
<i>there were many areas that WALL-E,
my beloved robo-mulcher,</i>

841
00:38:48,680 --> 00:38:50,280
<i>couldn't reach.</i>

842
00:38:51,600 --> 00:38:55,280
I mean, that's the thickest brambles
on the whole farm,

843
00:38:55,440 --> 00:38:59,080
and there's no way
I can get in over there.

844
00:38:59,640 --> 00:39:02,360
[Jeremy] <i>So, I had had the genius idea</i>

845
00:39:02,520 --> 00:39:05,040
<i>of buying goats to do the job,</i>

846
00:39:05,160 --> 00:39:08,800
<i>which Kaleb thought
was a complete waste of money.</i>

847
00:39:11,000 --> 00:39:13,560
[Jeremy] Do you know how much
these thirty goats were?

848
00:39:13,760 --> 00:39:14,640
- [Kaleb] How much?
- A tenner each?

849
00:39:14,840 --> 00:39:16,080
£300. A tenner each.

850
00:39:16,200 --> 00:39:17,040
£10.

851
00:39:17,160 --> 00:39:19,200
[Kaleb] They should be giving you
for free.

852
00:39:19,400 --> 00:39:20,480
It's a tenner!

853
00:39:20,640 --> 00:39:23,440
To make any money,
you should be having them for free.

854
00:39:23,600 --> 00:39:25,360
I'll tell you what.
I can make money out of them.

855
00:39:25,520 --> 00:39:27,800
Do a little petting place up at the shop.

856
00:39:27,960 --> 00:39:30,960
- A tenner to spend 15 minutes with them.
- Talk about bloody hobby farming!

857
00:39:31,120 --> 00:39:32,160
- Dear God!
- [Lisa] I'd make money, though.

858
00:39:32,360 --> 00:39:35,920
- It's a thousand-acre farm! You want--
- [Jeremy] No, it's not.

859
00:39:36,120 --> 00:39:37,920
Your bit is only 500 acres.

860
00:39:38,080 --> 00:39:39,600
My bit is 500 acres.

861
00:39:39,760 --> 00:39:42,560
And about 490 of them
are covered in brambles.

862
00:39:42,760 --> 00:39:46,080
Put the goats in the brambles,
we create more farmland.

863
00:39:47,040 --> 00:39:49,600
- I can't get the machine.
- [Kaleb] Use that machine. You love it.

864
00:39:49,760 --> 00:39:50,960
I showed you, you can't get--

865
00:39:51,160 --> 00:39:53,160
I'll lift it in there for you
with the telehandler.

866
00:39:53,360 --> 00:39:54,160
The telehandler--

867
00:39:54,360 --> 00:39:55,640
It's a bit late now.
The goats are coming.

868
00:39:55,880 --> 00:39:57,640
Just shush, the both of you.

869
00:39:57,800 --> 00:39:59,440
[Jeremy] We've got to get this working.

870
00:39:59,600 --> 00:40:00,960
They're just on milk at the moment.

871
00:40:01,120 --> 00:40:02,920
- [Lisa] How many, er, goats?
- [Jeremy] Thirty.

872
00:40:03,080 --> 00:40:04,840
They have to be trained to use this.

873
00:40:05,000 --> 00:40:07,760
- [Lisa] Survival of the fittest.
- How do you teach a goat to use an app

874
00:40:07,920 --> 00:40:09,920
- or that computer program?
- [Kaleb] That's for you.

875
00:40:10,080 --> 00:40:12,760
You just... So you put
the milk powder in the top.

876
00:40:13,200 --> 00:40:14,560
[Lisa] That's the milk powder.

877
00:40:15,080 --> 00:40:16,640
[Kaleb] Do you know how much
that is a bag?

878
00:40:16,840 --> 00:40:18,640
[Lisa] Oh, God. How much is a bag?

879
00:40:18,840 --> 00:40:21,760
- Have a guess how much is a bag.
- [Lisa] 40 quid? 50 quid?

880
00:40:22,160 --> 00:40:23,600
- No, it isn't?
- [Lisa] 60 quid?

881
00:40:24,120 --> 00:40:25,160
- [Lisa] 80 quid?
- 70.

882
00:40:25,320 --> 00:40:26,880
- 70 quid?
- That's 70 quid?

883
00:40:27,040 --> 00:40:28,040
[Kaleb] Well...

884
00:40:28,560 --> 00:40:29,640
And you're telling me

885
00:40:29,800 --> 00:40:31,840
- you're gonna make money?
- It's expensive kit.

886
00:40:32,000 --> 00:40:32,880
I'm creating land.

887
00:40:34,640 --> 00:40:35,640
[soft music]

888
00:40:35,840 --> 00:40:38,640
[Jeremy] <i>Just as we finished
getting everything ready...</i>

889
00:40:38,840 --> 00:40:40,080
[Jeremy] Goats!

890
00:40:40,200 --> 00:40:42,960
[Jeremy] <i>...Lizzie,
the goat lady, arrived.</i>

891
00:40:43,120 --> 00:40:44,200
[Lizzie] Good morning!

892
00:40:44,400 --> 00:40:46,960
So, thirty goats. Kids. Just for you.

893
00:40:47,880 --> 00:40:50,120
So we're this side, we're this side.
Jockey door.

894
00:40:51,280 --> 00:40:54,800
[Jeremy] Oh, my God. Look at them.

895
00:40:55,000 --> 00:40:56,480
[bleating]

896
00:40:56,920 --> 00:40:58,600
[Jeremy] <i>Before we could unload, though,</i>

897
00:40:58,760 --> 00:41:01,640
<i>Lizzie had to set the milking machine up.</i>

898
00:41:01,880 --> 00:41:03,960
[Lizzie] Yeah, so you've gotta push
the teats through.

899
00:41:04,120 --> 00:41:05,400
- That side. Yeah. One red...
- [Jeremy] And then--

900
00:41:05,600 --> 00:41:07,480
- [Lisa] And then put it in, yeah.
- [Lizzie] And then one white.

901
00:41:07,640 --> 00:41:10,440
[Lizzie] And then you'll do the same
on that side and the same over there.

902
00:41:10,640 --> 00:41:11,960
Right. That's that.

903
00:41:12,120 --> 00:41:14,120
[Lizzie] Can you put that one on?
That's perfect.

904
00:41:14,280 --> 00:41:17,160
And then you just need to put
your bag of milk powder in the top.

905
00:41:17,360 --> 00:41:19,320
[Jeremy] £70 a bag of milk powder.

906
00:41:19,480 --> 00:41:21,120
[Lizzie] It is like liquid gold.

907
00:41:21,320 --> 00:41:24,080
You will be very protective
of your milk powder.

908
00:41:24,200 --> 00:41:25,440
[Lisa] Go on there now.

909
00:41:25,680 --> 00:41:29,160
What it does is it releases
a certain amount of milk powder

910
00:41:29,320 --> 00:41:32,280
- to a certain amount of warm water.
- [Lisa] And so it's demand and supply?

911
00:41:32,440 --> 00:41:33,400
[Lizzie] Yeah. And it's ad lib.

912
00:41:33,560 --> 00:41:37,640
And as soon as it gets to a certain
point, it automatically refills.

913
00:41:37,800 --> 00:41:39,680
And there's a pump
in there as well, obviously?

914
00:41:39,880 --> 00:41:40,640
No, no pump.

915
00:41:40,840 --> 00:41:43,160
- So it's just them sucking?
- Yeah. And it's gravity.

916
00:41:43,360 --> 00:41:46,640
Well, they're gonna have to be
Linda Lovelace to suck it that far.

917
00:41:46,800 --> 00:41:47,600
[Lizzie chuckles]

918
00:41:47,800 --> 00:41:49,920
[Lisa] And how long will one bag last us?

919
00:41:50,120 --> 00:41:53,400
With thirty kids at this age,
you're gonna be at least a day.

920
00:41:53,560 --> 00:41:56,120
- They won't drink, you know, too much.
- A day?

921
00:41:56,280 --> 00:41:58,360
A day? I thought
you were gonna say 3 weeks.

922
00:41:58,520 --> 00:42:00,080
- That would be wishful thinking.
- A day?

923
00:42:00,200 --> 00:42:02,600
- We normally--
- [Jeremy] £70 a day?

924
00:42:02,760 --> 00:42:06,160
Can I ask you a really big favour?
Don't tell Kaleb.

925
00:42:06,760 --> 00:42:08,040
It's a need-to-know basis.

926
00:42:08,880 --> 00:42:10,680
[Jeremy] <i>With all the housekeeping done,</i>

927
00:42:10,920 --> 00:42:13,280
<i>it was now time for the good bit.</i>

928
00:42:14,600 --> 00:42:15,400
Hello, goats!

929
00:42:15,560 --> 00:42:18,280
- [Lisa] Those are big ones.
- Welcome to Diddly Squat.

930
00:42:19,600 --> 00:42:21,200
- There we go.
- [Jeremy] How old are they?

931
00:42:21,440 --> 00:42:23,080
- [Lizzie] Two weeks old.
- [Jeremy] Two weeks?

932
00:42:23,280 --> 00:42:24,600
[soft orchestral music]

933
00:42:26,600 --> 00:42:27,640
[Lisa] You are stunning.

934
00:42:27,840 --> 00:42:28,920
[bleating]

935
00:42:31,600 --> 00:42:34,000
Ready? Look at your new house!

936
00:42:34,160 --> 00:42:35,760
[bleating continues]

937
00:42:35,920 --> 00:42:37,760
Have they been castrated?

938
00:42:37,960 --> 00:42:39,600
[Lizzie] They have been castrated, yeah.

939
00:42:40,280 --> 00:42:42,440
It's just brilliant being an animal.

940
00:42:42,600 --> 00:42:45,040
"Oh, you're a man?
We'll have your bollocks off."

941
00:42:45,760 --> 00:42:48,040
"But I might need them?"
"No, you won't."

942
00:42:50,120 --> 00:42:51,480
- [Lisa] Last two, right?
- [Lizzie] There you go.

943
00:42:53,320 --> 00:42:54,160
[Jeremy] Right. Look at them.

944
00:42:54,360 --> 00:42:56,160
They're adorable.
And this lot are eating.

945
00:42:56,840 --> 00:42:59,280
[Lizzie] Yeah. So that's what you want.
They're up, they're drinking.

946
00:42:59,480 --> 00:43:00,920
[Lisa] And it's not survival
of the fittest?

947
00:43:01,080 --> 00:43:04,080
No, no. They know what they're doing.
They all know how to drink.

948
00:43:04,200 --> 00:43:06,880
How can we stop them drinking
as much as they are drinking?

949
00:43:07,040 --> 00:43:09,160
'Cause it's incredibly expensive.

950
00:43:09,360 --> 00:43:10,640
[bleating]

951
00:43:12,160 --> 00:43:14,040
[Jeremy] Observe. Come on!

952
00:43:14,160 --> 00:43:15,640
That's a good sign.
They're drinking already.

953
00:43:15,800 --> 00:43:16,640
Yeah.

954
00:43:16,800 --> 00:43:18,280
[Lisa] Do you know
how much they drink, Kaleb?

955
00:43:18,440 --> 00:43:19,800
[Jeremy] No, for C-- What are you--

956
00:43:20,400 --> 00:43:21,920
Why are you telling him that?

957
00:43:22,080 --> 00:43:25,120
[Lisa] K, how many bags a week
do you think we're gonna get through?

958
00:43:25,280 --> 00:43:27,080
[Kaleb] I dunno. Two bags a week?

959
00:43:27,600 --> 00:43:28,520
Seven...

960
00:43:29,040 --> 00:43:29,880
a week.

961
00:43:31,000 --> 00:43:33,400
[Jeremy] So they're in here
for two months.

962
00:43:33,560 --> 00:43:35,120
[Lizzie] They normally say twelve weeks.

963
00:43:35,320 --> 00:43:38,960
Ours normally, we normally
start weaning them at ten weeks

964
00:43:39,120 --> 00:43:40,560
if they get a good start.

965
00:43:40,680 --> 00:43:43,360
So ten weeks and they'll eat brambles?

966
00:43:44,280 --> 00:43:45,680
[Lizzie] They will eat
pretty much anything.

967
00:43:45,840 --> 00:43:48,400
But yeah, they will do some clearing
for you if you'd like them to.

968
00:43:48,560 --> 00:43:50,000
Definitely.
That's what I want them for.

969
00:43:50,200 --> 00:43:52,920
'Cause they can get to places
that my amazing machine can't get to.

970
00:43:53,080 --> 00:43:54,120
[Lizzie] There you go.

971
00:43:54,280 --> 00:43:55,800
And they use less diesel.

972
00:43:56,000 --> 00:43:57,680
- [bleating]
- [Lisa] Oh you're so sweet.

973
00:43:58,240 --> 00:43:59,520
Coming here for kisses?

974
00:44:01,440 --> 00:44:02,280
Kisses.

975
00:44:04,280 --> 00:44:05,680
[soft music]

976
00:44:05,840 --> 00:44:09,400
[Jeremy] <i>With the goats settled,
we had to sex-split the weaners.</i>

977
00:44:09,840 --> 00:44:11,360
<i>which, in English,</i>

978
00:44:11,520 --> 00:44:15,480
<i>means separating
the boy piglets from their sisters,</i>

979
00:44:16,200 --> 00:44:18,720
<i>because they'd now reached, um...</i>

980
00:44:19,160 --> 00:44:20,480
<i>that age.</i>

981
00:44:22,040 --> 00:44:24,560
The males go in here.
So we've got the three-metre gap.

982
00:44:24,760 --> 00:44:26,880
Then the lady ones go in here.

983
00:44:27,040 --> 00:44:27,960
[Lisa] Yep.

984
00:44:30,040 --> 00:44:30,840
[Jeremy] Sex-splitting.

985
00:44:32,560 --> 00:44:34,760
- [Lisa] Sex-splitting happening?
- No.

986
00:44:35,160 --> 00:44:36,160
That went well.

987
00:44:37,000 --> 00:44:38,840
[Lisa] You're literally
just walking around after piglets.

988
00:44:39,000 --> 00:44:42,440
[Jeremy] No, I'm getting them back up
towards you to get them in a corner.

989
00:44:44,040 --> 00:44:46,200
No, I've failed to get them in a corner.

990
00:44:46,760 --> 00:44:47,880
Here they come.

991
00:44:48,640 --> 00:44:49,760
There they go.

992
00:44:51,120 --> 00:44:52,080
Come on, piggy.

993
00:44:52,720 --> 00:44:54,800
Come on. No?

994
00:44:55,440 --> 00:44:56,680
Come on, piggies.

995
00:44:57,200 --> 00:44:58,520
Come on, piggies.

996
00:44:59,360 --> 00:45:00,440
Fucking hell!

997
00:45:02,280 --> 00:45:03,160
[Lisa] Oh yes.

998
00:45:03,320 --> 00:45:04,280
Oh yes.

999
00:45:04,440 --> 00:45:05,240
Oh, my God.

1000
00:45:05,440 --> 00:45:07,600
[Jeremy] No, they've just gone down
a narrow passageway

1001
00:45:07,760 --> 00:45:09,080
and they have escaped.

1002
00:45:09,240 --> 00:45:11,320
[Lisa laughs]

1003
00:45:11,520 --> 00:45:14,120
- [Lisa] I just don't--
- How does anyone sex-split a weaner?

1004
00:45:16,160 --> 00:45:18,480
[Jeremy] <i>Eventually, Kaleb turned up</i>

1005
00:45:18,640 --> 00:45:20,760
<i>and showed us how it's done.</i>

1006
00:45:21,120 --> 00:45:22,080
[Lisa] Oh!

1007
00:45:22,240 --> 00:45:24,360
- [squealing]
- [Lisa] Oh, nice.

1008
00:45:26,680 --> 00:45:29,160
[Jeremy] That's it. Take that one round.

1009
00:45:29,880 --> 00:45:30,680
Kaleb?

1010
00:45:30,880 --> 00:45:31,680
Move in.

1011
00:45:32,920 --> 00:45:34,040
Oh, wow!

1012
00:45:35,680 --> 00:45:37,360
- [Lisa] Is that definitely a boy?
- [Kaleb] Yep.

1013
00:45:37,560 --> 00:45:39,280
[squealing continues]

1014
00:45:39,440 --> 00:45:41,680
Right. Girl, girl, girl, girl, girl.

1015
00:45:42,160 --> 00:45:43,640
- Done.
- [Lisa laughs]

1016
00:45:45,360 --> 00:45:46,200
[Jeremy] <i>Back in March,</i>

1017
00:45:46,960 --> 00:45:49,880
<i>I'd said I didn't want
to keep pigs anymore.</i>

1018
00:45:50,040 --> 00:45:52,400
- [Jeremy] She's just sat on another one.
- [Lisa] Oh, look.

1019
00:45:52,600 --> 00:45:54,560
[Jeremy] <i>The piglet deaths had been...</i>

1020
00:45:55,120 --> 00:45:56,480
<i>too traumatic.</i>

1021
00:46:01,120 --> 00:46:03,480
[soft country music]

1022
00:46:05,760 --> 00:46:06,880
[Jeremy] <i>But instead,</i>

1023
00:46:07,040 --> 00:46:10,760
<i>I decided to think of a way
of keeping more piglets alive.</i>

1024
00:46:14,400 --> 00:46:17,280
<i>And then, I rehired Ajax the boar...</i>

1025
00:46:17,960 --> 00:46:19,000
Hello, pig.

1026
00:46:19,520 --> 00:46:20,520
You're back.

1027
00:46:21,240 --> 00:46:24,720
[Jeremy] <i>...to do his thing
with the four remaining ladies.</i>

1028
00:46:27,720 --> 00:46:29,040
- [Jeremy] Right.
- [Lisa] This is lovely.

1029
00:46:29,240 --> 00:46:30,760
[Jeremy] So we just leave them to it for?

1030
00:46:30,960 --> 00:46:32,080
- [man] Four weeks.
- Four weeks.

1031
00:46:32,760 --> 00:46:34,800
[Jeremy] I love them.
They've been my favourite animals

1032
00:46:35,000 --> 00:46:37,400
that we've had on the farm by a long way.

1033
00:46:37,600 --> 00:46:38,800
[soft music]

1034
00:46:41,040 --> 00:46:42,920
[Jeremy] <i>It had been a wonderful morning,</i>

1035
00:46:43,080 --> 00:46:46,200
<i>learning how to sex-split
the mischievous weaners</i>

1036
00:46:47,000 --> 00:46:49,240
<i>and welcoming Ajax back.</i>

1037
00:46:50,560 --> 00:46:55,320
<i>And then, that afternoon, while out
and about in the wildflower meadows,</i>

1038
00:46:56,720 --> 00:46:58,360
<i>the day got even better.</i>

1039
00:47:00,000 --> 00:47:01,040
[Jeremy sighs]

1040
00:47:03,680 --> 00:47:04,960
[Jeremy] Hang on.

1041
00:47:05,520 --> 00:47:06,320
No way.

1042
00:47:07,120 --> 00:47:08,120
[laughing]

1043
00:47:08,280 --> 00:47:09,680
No! He's back!

1044
00:47:10,000 --> 00:47:11,520
Gerald's back!

1045
00:47:12,800 --> 00:47:14,640
I cannot believe it!

1046
00:47:15,720 --> 00:47:18,040
[laughs ecstatically]

1047
00:47:18,200 --> 00:47:19,120
Gerald!

1048
00:47:19,640 --> 00:47:21,000
You're back!

1049
00:47:21,960 --> 00:47:23,640
- You're back!
- [Gerald] Hello, there.

1050
00:47:23,800 --> 00:47:25,040
Jeremy, you all right?

1051
00:47:25,200 --> 00:47:26,920
Lovely to see you, my man.

1052
00:47:27,680 --> 00:47:29,920
- How are we?
- Well! I hope as well as you are.

1053
00:47:30,120 --> 00:47:32,560
- How are you?
- [Gerald] Yeah, I'm getting there.

1054
00:47:32,920 --> 00:47:34,880
- [Jeremy] And you're straight back to it.
- Yeah.

1055
00:47:35,080 --> 00:47:37,200
- [Gerald laughs]
- Come on. Chapter and verse.

1056
00:47:37,400 --> 00:47:39,360
'Cause I know obviously
you've been poorly.

1057
00:47:39,520 --> 00:47:41,960
But have you been having chemo
or was it radio?

1058
00:47:42,120 --> 00:47:43,000
Radio.

1059
00:47:43,280 --> 00:47:47,240
- [Jeremy] Okay. Was that all right?
- Yeah. 37 times I had to go.

1060
00:47:47,400 --> 00:47:48,280
37?

1061
00:47:48,480 --> 00:47:49,520
Yeah.

1062
00:47:49,720 --> 00:47:51,640
You've got the all-clear?
That's the main thing.

1063
00:47:51,840 --> 00:47:53,320
Well, you haven't got the all-clear yet.

1064
00:47:53,520 --> 00:47:55,920
But, you know, touch wood.

1065
00:47:56,520 --> 00:47:58,160
I can't even get my head round it.

1066
00:47:58,640 --> 00:48:00,680
So what was it...
Did you have a catheter, then, for--?

1067
00:48:00,840 --> 00:48:01,640
[Gerald] Yeah.

1068
00:48:02,080 --> 00:48:06,960
[Gerald speaking indistinctly]
...that keeps going.

1069
00:48:07,120 --> 00:48:09,440
You gotta do it yourself.
I calls them pints...

1070
00:48:09,640 --> 00:48:11,320
[Gerald speaking indistinctly]

1071
00:48:11,520 --> 00:48:14,680
So the thing's here,
so you've got that big round mushroom.

1072
00:48:14,880 --> 00:48:17,200
When that's whizzling round,
now, you've gotta...

1073
00:48:17,520 --> 00:48:20,200
It's got a tea pot in
or something like that.

1074
00:48:20,360 --> 00:48:22,640
And then a pad for like, you know,

1075
00:48:22,840 --> 00:48:24,920
like the dark ones
that was there one day.

1076
00:48:25,120 --> 00:48:27,240
Doink, doink, doink, doink,
doink, doink, doink.

1077
00:48:27,440 --> 00:48:31,080
This is the best description of
cancer treatment I've ever heard I think!

1078
00:48:31,280 --> 00:48:33,600
- Yeah!
- [both laughing]

1079
00:48:34,600 --> 00:48:37,600
You've no idea
how much we've all missed you.

1080
00:48:37,800 --> 00:48:39,760
It must be nice to be back
on a day like today.

1081
00:48:39,920 --> 00:48:41,120
Yeah, it is.

1082
00:48:41,320 --> 00:48:43,400
It's nice being back
to see all my friends.

1083
00:48:43,560 --> 00:48:44,480
Yeah.

1084
00:48:44,680 --> 00:48:46,040
So that's why...

1085
00:48:46,720 --> 00:48:48,520
It's like mowing grass with a mower,
isn't it?

1086
00:48:48,680 --> 00:48:51,160
You can't go...
[Gerald speaking indistinctly]

1087
00:48:51,360 --> 00:48:53,000
... with the programme and everything.

1088
00:48:53,200 --> 00:48:54,400
Er, well, you can't.

1089
00:48:55,120 --> 00:48:56,040
But, you know.

1090
00:48:56,520 --> 00:48:59,520
Well, I just think...
You know, with... Well, I don't know...

1091
00:48:59,920 --> 00:49:00,960
Yeah. But--

1092
00:49:01,160 --> 00:49:02,400
No, no, no. That's right.

1093
00:49:02,600 --> 00:49:05,440
It's like a nozzle on the end
of a watering can.

1094
00:49:06,080 --> 00:49:08,520
["What Makes A Good Man?"
By The Glorious Dead]

1095
00:49:11,480 --> 00:49:15,320
[Jeremy] <i>A lot of the time,
farming is brutal and hard.</i>

1096
00:49:16,680 --> 00:49:20,120
<i>♪ Ain't nothin' wrong
with this chemistry ♪</i>

1097
00:49:20,840 --> 00:49:23,520
[Jeremy] <i>But at this time of year
when everything is vivid,</i>

1098
00:49:24,280 --> 00:49:26,240
<i>and growing, and bursting with life</i>

1099
00:49:27,200 --> 00:49:28,440
<i>and everyone is well...</i>

1100
00:49:28,600 --> 00:49:29,560
[tractor honking]

1101
00:49:30,520 --> 00:49:34,040
<i>It can be the best job in the world.</i>

1102
00:49:34,240 --> 00:49:35,920
<i>♪ Is another one meant for me ♪</i>

1103
00:49:36,120 --> 00:49:38,040
<i>♪ To tell me now ♪</i>

1104
00:49:38,240 --> 00:49:41,400
<i>♪ And show me how ♪</i>

1105
00:49:41,600 --> 00:49:43,480
<i>♪ To understand ♪</i>

1106
00:49:43,640 --> 00:49:46,560
<i>♪ What makes a good man? ♪</i>

1107
00:49:46,760 --> 00:49:49,120
<i>♪ Tell me now... ♪</i>

1108
00:49:49,920 --> 00:49:51,160
[Jeremy] <i>On the surface, then,</i>

1109
00:49:51,320 --> 00:49:54,040
<i>Diddly Squat was a green and happy place</i>

1110
00:49:54,240 --> 00:49:56,000
<i>as we headed into summer.</i>

1111
00:49:58,360 --> 00:49:59,960
<i>But underground,</i>

1112
00:50:00,160 --> 00:50:04,480
<i>an alien life form was gathering an army.</i>

1113
00:50:04,680 --> 00:50:08,040
[tense music]

1114
00:50:10,600 --> 00:50:12,000
{\an8}[upbeat music]

1115
00:50:12,200 --> 00:50:14,280
Can I interest you
in the new Diddly Squat range?

1116
00:50:14,480 --> 00:50:15,560
You're selling space penises?

1117
00:50:17,000 --> 00:50:19,560
I cannot tell you how good they are.

1118
00:50:20,520 --> 00:50:21,800
[man] 6.1 kilos.

1119
00:50:22,520 --> 00:50:23,520
[Kaleb] Ready?

1120
00:50:24,480 --> 00:50:25,680
- Kaleb! How are you?
- How are you?

1121
00:50:25,840 --> 00:50:26,720
I'm very well, thanks.

1122
00:50:26,920 --> 00:50:28,760
[upbeat music]