This programme contains strong language, adult humour,
violent horror, and scenes of injury
Have you had something to eat before you came out?
Yeah, I had breakfast this morning. Did you? What did you have?
I had... Porridge? No, I had pancakes
with some weird custard jam on it. Oh. Then I had a sausage butty.
Then I had croissant and coffee. Oh.
I had a lot of pastry and bread and cake.
What sort of bread did you have with your sausage?
One of them... You know, quite sweet sort of bunny-type things,
like a brioche-type bun. Bit crispy.
Oh, right. OK.
Right.
# In a perfect world... #
Oh!
Ooh, fighting talk!
Here we go. High-octane stuff.
He's done it again!
Keir Starmer, sheer drama.
Oh, he's got the one-liners.
Well, it looks like a dogging area to me.
What?! No!
Why am I watching this?
Ah, my eyes.
Oh, my God. That man's got 180 children?
When will it end? How to speak without saying anything,
volumes one, two and three.
Cover yourself in Bovril and let's get on with it.
In the week we bid a fond farewell to acting legend
Dame Penelope Keith,
we enjoyed lots of great telly.
Emergency calls were coming through thick and fast on Channel 5.
I've never been in an ambulance.
I've never, ever been in an ambulance.
Do you know what? I don't think I've ever called 999.
Haven't you? No. 0r 111. No.
I don't even know what I would do. They go, "Hello? Hello."
They ask you who you want to speak to. Do they?
Have you ever called... Fire, police or ambulance?
What would you say? Whichever one you need.
Rachel was jumbling things up on Channel 4...
And a final vowel, please.
A final A.
I'm dyslexic, bruv, so I'm coming out with about four words, you know.
Your thing is just a... You're in a conundrum.
WENT. THEN.
NOT. Yeah!
TWO. You know when you watch it and you're like, "I've got five words,"
and someone's like, "I've got eight."
Eight?! How have you got eight, bruv?
..and John Torode was reinventing the sandwich on This morning.
You take that with you on your picnic and you know
that you've got something delicious inside.
Yep. And as well, not using lots of plastic.
No. That's it...
Wait, wait, wait. All right.
Don't sigh when she says about saving the planet.
No, that was so unnecessary. Do you know what I mean?
I don't need a moral lecture. I just want a sandwich.
Do you know what I mean? "Can I get a sandwich,
"using clingfilm, you piece of shit."
I'm like, all right, I just... I just want a sandwich, Josie.
All right?
In North London...
The hot weather is all... Are you comfortable with it?
Yeah, I love it, most of the time.
Me, too. I think it's quite sexy.
Does it get you going, Nigel? It gets me going.
..Julian and his good friend Nigel.
What do you mean, sexy? Well, you know, sexy.
What, does it...? Does it turn you on?
Yeah. The hot weather? Mm.
And what is the consequence of this?
You'd have to ask my Mrs. Oh!
Oh, she must dread the morning
she opens the curtains, it's a hot day.
On Friday, we were on the edge of our seats
for the grand final of series 93 of this.
Can I have a drum roll now?
Drum roll. Faster. Do your feet as well.
Do your feet, do your feet.
It's the Countdown final.
Is it going to be Pat?
Patrick's back, by the way. Let's go, Patrick.
Currently, right, the woman on this,
not her, Carol Vodafone, but another woman on this,
my mam knows her mam. Small world, mate. Small world.
Thank you so much for tuning in to this big day
in the Countdown calendar. Series 93 final.
100 years they've been doing Countdown for?
It's amazing. If it's series 92,
they've been doing it for nearly... Nearly 100 years.
Wow. That's incredible.
There could be an element of chess to this, right?
Because are you going to play aggressive?
Look, this is Patrick. He's like the Countdown Don.
How do you play aggressively at Countdown?
Yeah, I don't... I don't know what that means.
"Give me a consonant!" All right.
From the bottom of all our hearts the same best of luck
to Charlie and Patrick.
Come on, Charlie and Patrick.
Now, these guys are really quick, aren't they,
and they're great with numbers.
Why aren't one of them Chancellor of the Exchequer?
Well, he's a finalist on Countdown, which is probably more fun.
Can I have a consonant, please? Good luck to you two.
Start the final with S.
Please spell out TOSSER or something fun.
Chlamydia.
I like Rachel's dress.
N
And another.
D
SLDN. SLND.
Oh, this is where it loses me when all the letters come out.
And a vowel.
O
And another.
I
SOD. SLNDOI.
We'll just need an E. We've got a SLIDE.
SLOND. SLOND.
LOINS. SLOIND.
LOINS. LOINS. LOINED.
And another.
E
SLNDOIE.
DOILY. Oh, yeah.
DOILY. DOILIES, I've got up to now.
Vowel, please.
Promising start and a final O.
Oh, LOO! OK.
Is there a SOLDIER? SOLDIER?
No, You're thinking BANDOLERO.
SLIDER. I'm going with that. We're only not using two.
That's quite good.
SOLDIER!
SLINDERMAN. Thought we're doing the workings out
in our head. SLENDER. OREO. OREO.
SOLERO! SOLERO's not bad!
How many is that?
Mine's DOILY. However many DOILY is.
Patrick? Eight.
Eight. What?! He got an eight?
He got an eight. An eight?!
There is SOLDIER there, isn't there?
S-O-L-D-I-E-R, 7.
Patrick. EIDOLONS.
Oh, piss off.
What does that mean?! The fuck is an eidolon?!
OK, we're making up words now, are we, lads?
EIDOLONS?
Charlie. EIDOLONS.
They both got the same one?!
They are in the dictionary and they are idealised people or things.
Oh. Oh, there you go.
That's not how I'd have spelled it either.
No. Who thought it would have an E at the front?
Consonant, please, Rachel. Thank you, Patrick.
P
P. Oh, it's tense, innit?
And another.
T
A vowel.
PRINT. Give me an I.
Prat. Yes! So close.
An A, an A.
Another promising selection.
A final O.
GRANITE. GRANITE.
We've got EGO. EGO, yeah.
Wherever 'e go, I go.
Have they got the word already? Already?
He's put his pen down.
You've got to have a nine letter to just sit there smugly, haven't you?
OPERATING.
Patrick. Nine.
Nine! Show off!
Oh, piss off! What'd he say?! Nine, he's got them all.
Patrick. OPERATING. OPERATING!
No way! Yes!
Well, it was as clear as the nose on my face.
OPERATING. Two smooth operators.
They've got the same. They've both got the same!
You didn't get that!
That is single handedly my greatest ever achievement.
And another.
S
And a vowel.
NTD.
We're getting some lovely letters here.
And a final vowel, please.
Who's going to break the deadlock?
That's the question, Denise van Outen.
I think this is the deciding one, you know.
Final E.
Oh, my gosh. What have you got?
SECTIONED. This could be another nine, I'm telling you. SECTIONED.
SECTION, I've got. SECTION. SECTIONED.
SECTIONED.
Mummy, that's all of them! Is it?
Have I got all of them?
You haven't done it again, have you?
You have!
Patrick's done it already!
What, is he done already? Are they done? Flipping hell! No way.
They ought to have brought their knitting with them.
Patrick. Nine. Charlie. Nine.
Jennifer, nine.
Patrick. SECTIONED.
SECTIONED! He's done it again!
SECTIONED, and Charlie. SECTIONED.
They've both got the same word again.
Mate, this... it might be going to a conundrum.
It has to.
We wanted it to be a crucial Countdown conundrum. We are there.
What? I don't know what a conundrum is.
What's a conundrum? We are conundrums.
What is a conundrum, though? A chaotic mess.
And the only thing that could make this final better
would be two crucial Countdown conundrums.
Colin is absolutely buzzing.
We are incontinent with excitement.
All right, so it's all on the line for Charlie.
If he gets this right, neck and neck. Then they have to go again?
They have to go... This is basically like sudden death at this point.
Do you know what I mean? Oh, my Lord. Come on, Patrick.
Patrick, Charlie, let's reveal...
Come on, Charlie.
..this crucial Countdown conundrum.
Give us a tie-breaker.
Patrick, for the title.
Oh!
Oh. What?
Go on. Ecuador. Correct!
CARTOUCHE. Let's have a look.
Unbelievable!
Oh, well, there's no point, is there? Oh.
What?! How does he get that?
He did it in three seconds. CARTOUCHE in three seconds.
CARTOUCHE, well played.
CARTOUCHE.
Honestly, I'd climb over that desk and I'd wring his neck.
In Essex...
Whatever I get dressed in in the morning is what I will go
until I go to bed.
And then when you go to bed? Oh, nakey.
Nakey times. I knew you'd be a naked sleeper.
..Vicky and her good friend Pete.
Yeah, who wears things to bed? Me. Gross.
I can't stand my fucking flesh touching other bits of my flesh.
What? So you know, when you're asleep,
I don't know about you, but I sleep like the number four.
So I sleep with one leg straight and one leg like this.
The number four.
Right. Right. And if that part of my leg
touched that part, I'd have a mental breakdown.
Sweaty skin. You'll hate the way I sleep, then.
For some reason, I feel like you just sleep like this.
I'm not Count Dracula. Get up, I'll show you how I sleep.
This is me asleep. Come on. You ready?
Yeah.
It's not much better than Dracula!
On Friday night, the Queen of Pop turned up on BBC One.
Graham Norton and Madonna, two absolute legends.
British icons.
She's not British. Is she British?
She's American. She American?
But are her kids British? She American?
Madonna's American. She American?
Didn't you know Madonna was American? I thought she was...
I've always thought she was British.
She's like 67, mate. Looks wicked.
Still smashing her career, shagging a fella half her age.
Pop off, Queen. We love to see women in male dominated fields.
Yeah. Clock in.
Clock it.
In 1983, Madonna played her first-ever UK gig
at the Camden Palace.
There's only one man who can tackle Madonna and that's Graham Norton.
I don't want to be rude about Graham Norton,
because I'm always trying to get on his show.
Ah. What are the chances?
He's very A-list, I'm afraid to tell you, Nigel.
I'm always nervous meeting Madonna,
but I do adore her.
Would you be nervous interviewing Madonna?
Terrified. Would you? Yeah, terrified.
To be honest, sometimes I get nervous just to chat
on the phone to my electrician.
Yeah. Madonna would be more intimidating.
Yeah, than my electrician.
There are some recording artists who reflect history.
Then there's Madonna, who defines it.
Is that her real name? Actual name, Madonna Louise Ciccone.
Gay.
Her music, her face, her name have been part of my life and yours
for over four decades.
Do you know Madonna is exactly the same height as me?
Yeah. BOTH:And the same age.
I did know that cos you know what?
Have I told you that every single birthday? You HAVE told me that! OK.
She's sold 450 million records and counting.
One or two more than us, eh, B? Yeah!
I'm so ready for this interview. Yeah. Come on.
How come you keep coming back to dance music?
What's so important about dance music and dance floors?
Well, that's how I started. I was a dancer.
I've only just owned up to being a dancer.
Well, cos you just didn't know what it was. Yeah.
Well... Yeah.
And it's just, like, really hard thing to own up to being.
It just creates community.
And sometimes relationships.
Dance... Oh, yeah, the dance of... The dance of love.
Sure.
This feels weirdly awkward.
It's like they've had a row...
Yeah. ..but they're having to work through it. Yeah.
Thinking back to the first Confessions album
and the huge success of Hung Up,
I mean, that must have been an amazing moment.
It was cos we didn't have any idea how brilliant it was.
It's giving small talk when you first arrive at a party, isn't it?
Yeah! Or if it's a dinner party and they're gonna sit you down,
and you're just thinking, "When are we gonna sit down and eat?"
Yeah. Like, "I need a drink." You're stood waiting for something.
Yeah, "I need a bread roll."
I've actually got something to show you.
It's a little visual reminder of 2005
when you were here and lots of other moments...2005?
She's like, "Was I here?"
# Waiting for your call, baby, night and day
# I'm fed up I'm tired of waiting... #
Yeah, I'm wearing the same boots in honour of that.
No. Love.
She's the same shoe size as she was back then?
Well, yeah. Well, Perri, that tends to be what happens.
She's an adult woman.
You use things again, so...
I do, I do. Yeah.
I like to prove to myself that I can still fit into my clothes.
I reckon I'd get in mine.
Think so?
Yeah, easy.
I can get the legs in and I can get the arms in.
So I'm halfway there.
I am so looking forward to a drink.
Wait, what?
We haven't even had a chat.
Oh, she's sitting down now. Oh, nice.
This is awkward.
I'd like a drink and then we can chat.
So I'm boring...?
No, no. I just feel...
We kind of pre-organised this, but still no drinks.
Imagine making Madonna a drink.
You'd be so nervous. You would. This barmaid now must be shaking.
HE GASPS No! Kylie Minogue!
Hello, darling.Well, fancy that.
Kylie! Kylie! Kylie!What?
Did you know Kylie was going to be here?N... Shut up.
I knew what you both wanted. Needed. Thank you. Well, I pre-ordered.
I mean, this is a gay man's dream.
Graham is gonna faint in a minute. He's gonna love it.
If Jane McDonald walks in as well, that'll finish him off.
It's a moment, it's a moment.
It's a moment.
Oh, the claw. The claw. The claw.
Bit weird.
I don't know what's going on.
Why is Kylie there? They've just doing a big thing, haven't they?
Why is Kylie serving Madonna drinks?
Look, Kylie, I don't like this drink.
The drink? What can I get you? Don't send it back!
I'm not gonna send it back. OK.
She's complaining about her drinks from Kylie.
You don't complain to Kylie.
OK, I've got to ask, there are these rumours that Kylie
is on Confessions II.
Oh!
So you ARE on Confessions II?
Why do you have to know everything?
She's being very secretive.
It's like she's under police caution, isn't it?
It's kind of like, "Yes..." "No. No comment." "No comment."
Cos you've been a long-time fan.
And I've been a long-time fan.
Thank you.
Maybe we're all gay.
"Maybe we're all gay"?
Well, they're gay icons, aren't they?
I... Oh...
You're gay. You don't get it.
What? KYLIE GASPS
Your debut album.
Ooh!
My sister and I hammered that album.
Love was born and it was everlasting. Wow.
She just looks unimpressed at everything.
Well, I don't think her face can move very much. Exactly.
It might be that.
I'm gonna have to google her later.
Who, Madonna?! Yeah! What you need to know?!
I can't actually remember what my first album I bought was.
Well, I didn't buy mine. I stole 'em.
Pin Ups by David Bowie, Hunky Dory and Rod Stewart.
Er... Rod Stewart... Fuckin'...
No, Rod Stewart with Maggie May on it.
Fuck me, what was it called, that one?
Er... So I robbed them three from Scan in 1973.
In the New Forest...
Do you know what I did last night? Go on.
Watched three consecutive documentaries about stone axes.
..Chris and his stepdaughter, Megan.
I went to see four the other day in a museum. Where?
I went deliberately to a museum to look at four of them.
Where did you go? Dublin Museum.
You went to Dublin? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Were they good?
Oh, so good.
I went back three times.
I went back the following morning
and went back and looked at them again.
Could you not have just taken a picture?
I did take photos on my phone.
You could have just had a lie-in and looked at it on your phone.
I was looking at them on my phone,
but then I decided I'd go back and see them again.
But what did you get out of
the second visit? So, I went in the museum, I went straight to see
the axes, and then I tried to distract myself
by looking at other archaeological relics,
and then I went back to the axes, then I went back to the hotel.
Following morning, got up, went back to the axes and had another look.
But what did you achieve out of that second visit? Joy! Joy! Joy!
This week, it was an Oscar-winning horror
giving us the creeps on Sky.
I've been waiting for this day! Let's go!
How long have I told you to watch this for?
Long time. Ohhh!
I'm gonna watch it how I watch every horror film. What?
I've heard of this film, Weapons. Have you?
I purposely didn't watch it because it's about kids disappearing.
WHISPERS:Fucking hell. Ugh...
In one scene, we saw a concerned teacher trying to figure out
what had happened to all the missing kids.
I bet she's our amateur sleuth.
She just wants to get to the bottom of it
because every single person thinks it's her.
Oh, everyone's blaming her. Everyone's blaming her.
Hello?
No-one there. Why is no-one answering the door?
He definitely went in there...didn't he?
Ooh... Newspaper.
Why is all the windows papered up?
Oh, don't go around the back.
Do you like going round the back, Nigel?
No, no. Not as much as you.
But there's a gap. She's gonna have a look.
Oh, God. What's she gonna see?
What's in there?
All the lights are off. It's so weird in that house. I know.
Do you know what? I'm getting nervous.
I can feel my heart rate going up.
SHE GASPS
Argh! Argh! My goodness me! Oh!
What was it? What was it?
They're just sat on the sofa, just like this.
They're not moving, bro. They're not moving.
After hearing about the strange goings-on at Alex's house,
the head teacher scheduled a meeting.
Ooh...
BOTH:Who's this?
Who are you? Oh, you're not strange.
Principal Miller, I'm Gladys.
You wouldn't fuck with her, would you? No.
You wouldn't mess about with her. She looks evil.
I know I've met Alice's father before...
I'm Alex's aunt.
Why are you there, then?
So where's his parents? Yeah. They're sitting still on the sofa.
A concerned individual has lodged welfare complaint
and, unfortunately, I need to make contact
with the child's legal guardian...
What the hell did she just look at then?
What are they? Ribbons? What are they for?
..but, frankly, I'm not convinced that anything is wrong.
Who made the complaint?
See? That's too..
"Who made the complaint?"
Yeah... She is ready for war!
People like that mostly live in Kent.
In Chatham? Yeah, my brother lives in Kent.
Well, there you are. See?
TV:More ants.
Ew...
Oh, no. Oh, no.
Thank God you're home.Who is it?
Oh, she's a bit out of breath.
Why has she turned up at his house?
Could I please have some water?
No. No. Sorry. Just let her in.
No. Dehydrate for all I care. Go away.
I'm afraid that's really... Of course, you can have some water.
Oh, thank you so much. I'm afraid that's really not...
No! What are you talking about?!
This woman is not to be trusted.
She is up to no good, my guy.
Oh! I absolutely love this house!
Look, a giraffe and a green Chinese la...
That's original in there, I bet it is.
She's recovered quickly, hasn't she?
She's now all perky.
Yeah, moment she perked up,
I'm grabbing her by the fringe and dragging her straight back out.
SHE COUGHS Oh...
Marcus, get her a glass.
Why is he buying that as a real cough?
HE MIMICS COUGHING AND GROANING
"Marcus, get her a glass." What?!
A bowl, please.
Uh? A bowl?
There's not a single thing she does that's normal. No.
It's a peculiarity of mine.
I don't even try to rationalise it any more.
Fair enough. That's fine.
You've got a few of those.
Gladys, I'm really gonna have to insist that you are...
What's that? What is she doing?
Is... Is that my ribbon?
HE GASPS
The ribbons from the office that she was looking at!
Why's she got those?
She's gonna do... She's like a witch.
She's gonna do some spell of some kind. Oh...
What is this?
Oh, my God!
Argh! Oh, my...! What is she doing?!
Could you get me a rag, sweetie?
HE STUTTERS
Scissors. Big scissors.
Here we go, Nigel. I know, I'm ready. Buckle up.
Argh! She cut his hair! She cut his hair?
Call 999!
911. 911!
Marcus? And that's his hair, that's his hair.
Watch what's about to happen to him.
She'll snap the twig. No.
Don't snap the stick. Don't snap...
I mean, I don't know what's gonna happen,
but please don't snap the stick.
Oh, no. Oh! He's possessed.
Aah!
This is weird. Oh, his poor partner!
Well, that's gay marriage for you.
Oh, Jesus! Fucking hell!
No! What is that?
Oh, I don't fucking know!
Oh, he just nutted him. He's gonna headbutt him to death.
Whose hair is this now?
Someone else's hair. Whose hair is that? The teacher!
He's going to get the teacher. No! No!
Oh, is the weapon the headbutt...? That's why it's called Weapons.
She makes them weapons. That's why it's called Weapons.
That's why they're called weapon... That's...that's it.
I need a break. Best film of the year.
I need a break. No! I'm getting a drink.
Oh! Do you want anything?
Er, just a water, please. OK.
In a bowl. Shut up!
AAAH! What? There's a bowl of water on the side.
There's a bowl of water on the side!
No, no, no.
In North London...
What's a nightmare at this time of year is picnics,
because the dogs...
So they don't get, like, "Oh, that's a picnic for somebody else."
They think, "Oh, someone's put some coleslaw..."
"Someone's put a lovely spread on." "..at my level."
..Nick and his niece, Liv.
I also, in this weather, got air conditioning,
bought an air conditioning unit, like, basically for the dogs.
So it's, like, quite cool for them.
Keep finding them sat outside on sun loungers. Sunbathing!
I'm like, "Get inside! You're gonna die!"
On Sunday night, there were more misbehaving mutts on Channel 5.
I watch it just to see how good my dog is,
because I think, "Actually, she doesn't do that."
"y dog's pretty great."
That's actually quite nice in the heatwave.
Oh, yeah. This is nice, with these two dogs on me!
Do you know what? I can't even have this on sometimes
because it sets my dogs off as soon as they hear the dogs on this.
So your dogs behave badly...
Because they're watching Dogs Behaving Badly.
I don't think there is such a thing as a bad dog.
I just think it's a bad owner. 100%.
I love this.
Yeah. Dogs Behaving Badly.
That's like me and you.
Yeah, well!
Yeah. We're dogs and we behave badly!
Graeme's next case takes him to the Garden of England, Kent,
famous for its oysters and iconic wines.
And criminals.
It's home to some seriously discerning diners.
Come on, eat some din-dins.
Oh, look!
Oh, we've got a fussy eater.
Is it nice? Do you want a bit?
This is Nancy!
Cockapoo Roman lives with his head chef...
No? It's nice! ..social worker Stephanie.
This is ridiculous.
I've never seen my dogs
not eat their dinner in under five seconds.
When I put Roman's food down on the floor, he will look at it,
he will smell it, but he will refuse to eat it.
I was always told eventually when the dog's hungry, it will eat.
Yeah, but they say that about kids as well,
and it's not true, is it?
Because Roman knows... Come here, you!
..something is missing.
He likes his cheese.
Cheese!
Oh, my God. It's basically my husband.
He would put... He'd put cheese on his cornflakes if he could.
Really? Cheese on everything.
I'll warm it up.
Oh, my God. She warms it as well. I'm sorry...
He likes it very melty.
Does he? Does he now? Me too, Roman.
Would he turn his nose up if he's not melted enough?
Yes... Well, come on. What's that?
I wouldn't feed my dog that, literally.
And of course, no fine dining experience would be complete...
Ready, steady, go!
..without exemplary service.
What? What?
Well, you know what? What she's done,
she's turned it into a game with him.
Just to get him to eat, I'll take it out in my hand like this...
Oh, my God. What's she doing?
..and just roll it into a ball.
She has to disguise the food as a ball.
Making sure he eats a whole pack of food
can take up to six hours of my time.
Six hours?! Oh, my goodness.
I wish I took six hours and a lot of exercise to eat food.
Hey, this, this could be...
Is this the new diet? This could be the solution for me.
I need to have... A new fad diet. Fad diet.
Then I need to run after a ball. You have to get a social worker
to roll it into a little ball for you
and chase you around the garden.
Yeah, I do.
Steph's been performing this food theatre...
Blimey. ..for the last three years.
Three years she's been doing this!
I actually saw him eating out of a bowl at his day-care centre.
There's no nonsense happening at day-care.
Roman's taking the piss. Yeah.
Look at that. He's eating out of a bowl.
Oh, Roman! Roman, you little naughty boy.
So the dog is a liar.
Graham wants to introduce a set meal time.
Done. That's it.
Yeah. Five o'clock is when the dogs get fed, and they know.
If he chooses not to tuck in during his allocated sitting,
his dish will be returned to the kitchen.
And it'll stay there till it's ate,
even if it's there a month later.
What we're gonna do is give him anything -
if he doesn't have it, we'll take it out.
So it's not going to stay there forever,
but it's the, "I might take it away,"
that makes him think, "There's urgency here."
He might be thinking, "Oh, thank fuck I haven't got
"to play that game for six hours!"
Look, he's going towards the bowl.
Oh, my God. He's eating.
SHE GASPS Is he gonna do it?
Could the tables have turned?
OK, he's gone away.
He's not having it. "There's no cheese on me tea!"
They make countless attempts...
Are you going to have some din-dins?
Come on, Ro.
..but Roman refuses to take a single bite.
It's probably quite hard to break the habit
of the weird lasagne ball game.
Well, I'm a bit disappointed, because I was hoping at one stage
that we were going to see a minor miracle, but not today.
Roman beat Graeme! He's not the dog man he says he is.
Well!
It's amazing what you can make TV out of, isn't it? It is.
A dog eating its dinner.
Oh, sorry. I was eating this without running around the garden.
Shall I throw it for you?
Come on, come on. Come on, Mummy, come on!
In Manchester...
You've crossed your legs like Princess Diana.
No, they don't cross their legs like that.
You have to... They? Yeah. The royals. The royals? Yeah.
..friends Mark and Kelly.
What, like that? Yeah. That's what you have to do.
But then your upper body has to be...
But you can do that.
They can do that. I can't, I can't with my back.
Bend your knees a bit more.
Which way have you gone? Hang on, let me go the same way as you.
Right. Right? And then like that.
But raise your knees a bit. I can't. My body doesn't do that.
But your legs are the wrong way.
Put your bottom leg over there.
My legs aren't the wrong way.
Put your bottom leg this way.
Right. And that one over.
And then sit... What's wrong with you?!
This week, we were back at Clarkson's gaff on Prime Video.
Who'd have thunk it after all these years? Hmm.
Never thought I'd be a Jeremy Clarkson fan.
You love a farm.
I love a farm. I love a farmer.
I'm farming stock.
Already, right, that's not what a farm looks like.
Most farms are horrible monocultures,
which have been sprayed with deadly chemicals
time and time again, the ground pumped full of fertiliser
and loads of the animals are indoors in crates,
being crushed and kept in the dark.
That's an idealistic view of a farm,
and it puts the wrong idea in people's minds.
And that's only the titles. Oh, God. What's my blood pressure?
In the programme, Jeremy was up at the crack of dawn
to meet bird enthusiast Hannah.
I know loads of people across the country come to diddly squat,
but this guy has travelled 8,000 miles.
How does she know this?
She doesn't look like a bird watcher.
What does a bird watcher look like?
I don't know. Someone with glasses?
What is he? A garden warbler.
Aah! Oh! I love enthusiastic people.
Getting excited over a bird, yeah?
Yeah. Yeah. Just double checking.
What's this? Is this your list of things you've heard?
Yes. Oh, that's a wren.
She's got a bird spreadsheet. Yeah, exactly, I love that. Me too.
You know you can get an app, don't you? What?
You can get an app, which you just start going,
it listens... And it tells you what the bird is?
It tells you all the birds that are currently singing.
I know them. Hah! My Merlin Bird app.
There it is! There it is! Merlin Birder. That's the one.
I mean, I was quite lucky,
because I did have my own Merlin Bird app growing up.
Yes, yes... In you.
Listen, listen, listen. Can you hear the lorry reversing?
It's a bird, but it sounds like a lorry reversing.
BIRD CALLS That?
Yeah, that's a greater whitethroat.
PHONE BUZZES Oh! Greater whitethroat.
She's quicker than the app.
Oh, my God, she's incredible.
She's like a sommelier, but of birds.
Well, yes. She's a bird sommelier.
Do you do it when you're just walking along,
and you're constantly tuned into...
Oh, wait... Skylarks.
Well, I can't see any.
Yeah. "I got skylarks." She's like, "Shut up!"
Yeah. God, bet you'd love to say that to Jeremy Clarkson.
Yes! Shut up! Shut up! Skylark. Skylark.
So this is rye-grass. This was part of the scheme.
Caleb's, look, he's been along and he's making silage. Oh, fuck.
What's happened? Oh, that's bloody awful.
Sorry, I might vomit in your car.
Oh, no. He's killed birds.
There's a very good chance, if you silage too soon,
you kill all their chicks.
SHE GASPS Fuck!
No! No!
All the chicks! He's killed all the chicks!
Imagine if you were a baby skylark with that coming towards you.
What, Caleb?
Yeah. Fucking Caleb.
Oh, Caleb's gonna get it now. He doesn't know what he's in for.
Hannah, this is Caleb.
Hannah, lovely to meet you. Hello.
Oh! Tense. Yeah.
"Lovely to meet you. You're about to spoil my harvest."
You want to go out there, literally now...
Yeah. ..and cut it.
And you say if he goes out there now... Mullering.
..he is going to decapitate... 24 chicks.
We're going to be short on cow food. We're already short now.
We might have to start feeding our winter resources now.
This is quite brutal. It's the cows versus the chicks.
Yeah, it's hard, isn't it?
It's the balance between profit and wildlife.
Well, it's got to be wildlife, surely.
So I've got to make a decision.
Jeremy is in a bit of a pickle, isn't he, here?
He's got to make the right decision here. Come on, Jeremy.
Otherwise, I'm driving to wherever that place is...
You know. I don't know what I'm going to do when I get there,
but I will be arriving in an electric vehicle.
In Manchester...
BEZ:Well, you know what? SHAUN:What?
I've never had hayfever in me life before,
and thankfully you've given me some tablets there.
I thought I was going to die with hayfever.
High pollen, then, innit? Yeah. High pollen. I've never had it before.
..Shaun and Bez.
It's amazing what a placebo effect does, innit? Well, you know what?
I've already better placebo-y. Placebo.
I've ate one of your tablets
and I'm placeboing away. I already feel better.
But they do, they're like antibiotics.
I nearly said anti-psychotics. Antibiotics. They take about...
Oh, we could do with some anti-psychotics as well.
I've got some of them if you want some of them.
Yeah, I want some of them as well, then, mate. Yeah.
Anti-psychotics and antibiotics.
They've got a pill for everything these days.
I've got a pill. I've got a pill for everything.
THEY LAUGH
This week we got a dose of blue-light action on Channel 5.
I thought I was having a heart attack once. Did you?
And my husband called an ambulance.
How did you feel? How did you know?
Oh, I was in terrible pain.
And tight... You know, they speak to you on the phone.
I had all the symptoms.
And then the ambulance came round. Do you know what it was? What?
Trapped wind. Was it really?
Do you remember when we went to hospital
because you were putting beads in my hair
and I put one of the beads up my nose? Yeah.
Didn't you go to the hospital
when I put a bucket on your head as well?
I think we managed to get that off with the garden shears.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Ambulance: Code Red. I'm already cringing.
I love it. I'm not good with blood.
You like those sort of things?
Sometimes, but...
I don't really like seeing people ill,
so this isn't going to be... I don't like watching...
..right up my crack, is it? No.
Chazam! No! Chesham. OK.
Where's Chesham? Don't know.
Dahn sahf. Dahn sahf.
The patient's breathing?
Well, that's a good sign.
Oucharoonie.
It's a bit low-key, that, isn't it? I mean, it's...
Are you not happy with the...
Are you not happy with the level of drama?
Do you know how I broke my arm? No.
Getting a wasp out the window. No!
I fell over the... Fell off the chair. Oh, God.
Bleugh! No.
It's always funny... I'm imagining it, and it's already bad. Yeah.
Up where?! Knee's up at right angle?
Oh, like that? Oh!
Wait. So if he's like that,
it's like facing outwards. It's like that. Bleugh.
Oh, here we go. "What happened? How did you fall?"
Oh! Oh! Here we go.
Free bar. No-one's paying for a drink at that wedding. Oh, dear.
Bring the blizzard blanket.
Tim and Matt are the first to arrive at the hotel,
where the patient is still in the garden where he fell.
Oh, man. Let's see this.
I'm Matt, this is Tim.
What can we call you, sir?
Oh, no. Robin. Oh, Robin.
Do you remember falling, Robin?
"I don't remember."
That's his judgy wife. "Too many beers again.
"I've told him about this."
Oh, I can't watch this.
I don't want to see the ankle. I'm desperate to see the ankle.
Do you remember falling?
Aiee! Aaah! I don't want to see.
No, no.
Tell me when it's gone. Hold on. Tell me when it's gone. No, no,
it's still there, but there's a bone...
OK, I'm going to describe it.
He's got a loafer on...
Don't need to know what shoes he's wearing!
Hold on, I've got to tell you. He's got a loafer on
and the loafer's pointing downwards.
We've not got any significant critical skin,
but it definitely is...
Oh, my God. Oh, yeah. That's badly broken, that, isn't it?
It's definitely broken, Richie.
Oh! It's not how an ankle should be.
You need to be careful
when you're stumbling around gardens late at night.
That could happen to you, Nigel, with your brittle bones.
Tim will be giving Robin ketamine.
We know this drug. It's all right, this one. He's going to be happy.
It's not all right! It's not all right. It's not all right!
What, you're giving him ketamine? Are you fucking mad?
I don't like ketamine. He's gonna be off his head.
So you're just nice, deep breaths.
We're with you. You're safe.
This is all happening outside, on the floor. I know!
He's going to think that head torch is a glow stick. He'll be like...
HE LAUGHS
"Where... Where am I? Am I...? Am I in Ibiza?"
"No, Robin, you're in Chesham."
If you're having sort of hallucinationy-type feelings,
all of that's normal with this medicine.
"If I've got three heads and I'm purple, don't panic.
"All right? You're just hallucinating, Robin, OK?"
"Just enjoy it."
"Just enjoy it, Robin.
"I'm now going to take your snapped in half leg, OK, Robin?
"Is that all right, Robin? Lovely, Robin. Enjoy, Robin."
Are you happy if I start getting this straight?
Oh, you don't want to look now.
Lots of verbal contact.
OK, so I'm going to lift the whole leg up.
Jesus Christ, I can't watch. I can't watch them do this.
No, don't. No, no. Don't! No, no!
HE GROANS
THEY SCREECH
Ow!
With Robin fully sedated,
Matt can begin the process of realigning the bones in his leg,
helped by one of the hotel staff.
Hotel staff?! Yeah, get anyone...
"Anyone else want to have a go?" What?!
She's obviously done the first-aid course, the hotel staff.
Yeah, yeah, she's a first-aider.
You're doing well there, Robin.
So they're just straightening out that broken leg for you now, mate.
Right, so they've taken his socks off. He's got nice feet.
It looks like it's all going beautifully down there.
Look at that. It's straight now.
"Beautifully." Ha has got nice legs, hasn't he?
And with this hand, I want you to hold here.
Be careful not to flex it.
Why is she doing it?! Yeah. Where's his mate gone?
Robin's leg is straight, the skin is intact,
and it's been successfully splinted for the trip to hospital.
Smashed it, lads. That's a job well done, that.
Oh, I cannot believe that they just did that in a car park.
I'm not sure how much you remember of the last hour or so,
but ankle's in a splint, looks good.
"You're fixed, Robin."
Main thing now is to get you as comfortable as we can
and get you off to hospital.
THEY LAUGH
"I'll have a vodka and coke, please, and let's get on with it."
"Whatever." They've just done like life-saving... Yeah, exactly.
..amendments to his leg.
"Whatever." "Whatever." "Have you got Robin S, Show Me Love?"
"Thanks." Great.
In north London...
SARA:Are you all right? What's happened with your voice?
CLARE:Do you think I sound a bit sexy?
You've got a touch of the Mariella Frostrups.
She's a very attractive, intelligent woman.
That's what it is.
..best mates Sara and Clare.
What have you been doing, though? Have you been out and shouting?
No. I stuck a fan in my face when it was dead hot...
You stuck a what in your face? A fan. A fan.
Fan!
Well, I'm very open-minded. You're very modern.
So you put a fan in your face? Yeah. How long for?
All night. I think I slept with me mouth open.
Just drying off your innards.
On Friday, ITV filled our morning
with another cheery mix of this and that.
But do you know what I am? What are you?
What someone called me the other day? Skinny-fat.
Oh, I hope you fucking gave them a clip.
No, I've got a muffin top and tits.
I've actually been going to bed with a cold flannel.
Yeah, I've been doing cold flannel. Mm.
I've also been doing a sheet,
but like, how I imagine Jesus Christ might have gone to bed.
Like just like a loincloth.
Love you, love you, love you, love you.
Dermot, it's too early, mate. Relax.
Horizontal stripes, Dermot?
Not for everyone.
To complete the week, John Torode's in the kitchen today
with the perfect picnic sandwich.
Now, you know, I don't... Do you like a picnic? Can't be bothered.
Yes, it looks like a Christmas pudding. But inside there is
going to be a sandwich and I'll show you how to make it.
Picnic sandwich?
That looks like something you could put through someone's window
if you threw it at it. Dunno about a sandwich.
You take that with you on your picnic and you know
that you've got something delicious inside.
I haven't got room for anything else, John.
What you're going to do is take
a round loaf of bread. Look at this. This is called a muffuletta.
A muffa what?
A muffin letter. A muffin who?
You go round the outside, and you get a nice little round top.
So that's your, your top comes off.
Look at that. That's scalping.
If he takes all the bread out of this, I'm going to...
I think that's what he does do. ..turn this off.
So you're gonna take out quite a lot of your bread.
That's the best bit!
I'm going to take some of that bread that's in here...
I can't watch him dig it out and then expect me to eat it.
"Oh, do you want a sandwich?" "No, I'm all right, thank you."
So I've got some green olives here, which have been filled,
because we want it to be nice and colourful inside our sandwich.
What is this man doing?
This is a very olive-y sandwich. Yeah.
Some vinegar...
..parsley... Parsley!
..and olive oil. Oh, my gosh.
I think of the, you know,
six ingredients so far,
the only one I like is bread.
And we've got olives and parsley and bread.
I cannot stand olives.
It's going to be interesting to see how that is actually a sandwich
rather than a bowl full of olives.
Some prosciutto. OK.
Salami, some artichokes, some olives.
Did he say olives again? Yeah, black olives.
Oh, for...sake.
Some peppers, and then some mozzarella as well.
So all this stuff goes together like a big pizza.
This isn't my perfect picnic sandwich. Is it yours?
No, it really isn't my perfect picnic sandwich.
In fact, I'm going to put it out there - this is pissing me off.
You make these overnight, so the next day,
when you go on a picnic, you've got no preparation to do.
My God, I've got to make it the day BEFORE I'm going on a picnic.
I don't have time for all this of an evening.
I'm busy watching Love Island.
Sliced cheese.
So sliced cheese in there...
But it's not a sandwich. It's a bucket of bread.
It does look a bit like when you look into the bin
and it's all your leftovers crammed in.
Add to that now some black olives.
He's got more olives in there!
When will it end?
When will it end? I know. So many layers.
Put the lid back on. On to there.
And now what do I do with it? You weight it.
Just before you put it in the fridge, if you just want to...
..get it all in!
John.
Push it all down and wrap the whole thing in a tea towel
and then put that in your fridge overnight.
Oh...go fuck yourself.
I don't think so, do you?
Instead of having all your picky bits on plastic containers
and trays and all that sort of stuff within your picnic basket...
You know, the way it's nice.
..you've got this, and it's really impressive
because you open it up and you go, "Oh, look what I've brought,
"guys, to my...our perfect picnic."
"Who invited John?" is what they'll say.
Amazing sandwich. Oh, that's nice.
Oh! Oh!
Do you know what? I'm convinced. Fair play.
Well, I'm gonna say I'm back in the room.
I am back in the room.
I'm intrigued how you get your mouth around that, though.
Well, you're not supposed to get your mouth...
How are you meant to eat it if you're not supposed to
get your mouth around it? She's just asked the most important question.
Like, go on, I want to see it happen.
So do you slice it and then eat knife and fork?
What I do is I do like that.
Don't say you take it apart, John.
And then you can actually just choose the bits you want.
Oh!.. Oh, it's falling over. ..no.
That's not a sandwich. Oh, look at that. It's not, is it?
It's a shambles. It's a...
You've put it all together and then you get to the picnic
and then you take it all apart again.
You know what? If I was John Torode,
I'd come off that section and I'd be throwing it.
I'd be going, "Do you know what? You don't deserve my muffuletta."
That's what I would say. And I'd say, "Do you know what, Kelly?
"I don't want your muffuletta." What a waste of time.
I'd say, "Mark, you're never getting anywhere near my muffuletta!"
I don't want to be anywhere near your muffuletta!
Stupid idea. Especially if it's got an olive in it.
# In a perfect world
Singing out
# In a perfect world
# In a perfect, perfect world. #
Subtitles by Red Bee Media