Watch out, Aunt Abigail!
You really shouldn't just wander into someone's backyard
while they're pumpkin shooting.
America's so weird.
I'm sorry to intrude, Mrs. Canelli.
It's ex-Mrs. Canelli. My maiden name is Twat.
Do you mind if I ask a few questions, ex-Mrs. Twat-Canelli?
I guess so. Shoot.
Is it safe to assume that you and Mr. Canelli didn't get along?
We used to. When we first met, our love was like an inferno.
We would hump each other three, four, five times a night,
and never in the same room.
TMI.
Too much intercourse.
But then I found out he had a gambling problem
and was stealing money from me.
And how much money did your husband take?
He blew my life savings.
Eighteen hundred dollars.
As in 1,800?
That's a pretty shitty amount of money to kill someone for.
I was never much of a saver.
I'm addicted to QVC and buying men drinks...
that I met through QVC.
I like to shop online too.
I'm obsessed with vintage fanny packs.
But sometimes, we buy things...
to fill a hole in our lives.
I hated him with every bone in my body, except my vagina.
My vagina bone loved him.
And now my sweet Benji is dead.
So many mixed feelings about that horrible and adorable prick.
I thank you for your time, Mrs. Twat.
It's so sad, Ben Jr. losing his dad
on the day of the grand opening of their store.
Yes, the burden of their burgeoning butcher business
now belongs to Ben Jr.
Hold on.
Aunt Abigail, look at this.
Good gravy!
When you reverse pinched it, it made the picture bigger.
No.
What's in the picture?
Heidi, thanks to you, I think I know who the murderer is.
I'm off to Canelli's. You go get the police.
The paint is still wet.
Sorry, we're closed for the night.
I really love the way you display all your jars.
It's very artful. Did you take art in school?
Because you're a very talented sign painter too.
I don't know what you mean.
The "and son."
It was a very interesting and telling addition.
Clearly it was painted after your father's death.
No, it wasn't.
All you ever wanted was for your father to appreciate you.
I could never do anything right in his eyes.
Why couldn't he just put "and son" on the sign?
I'm listening. Let it out.
I accidentally dropped the large pork butt on my dad's foot,
and he called me a waste of sperm.
I snapped.
Oh, my God.
I killed my dad.
Child, come here.
Come here.
Everything is going to be all right.
I'm really sorry, Mrs. Mapleworth.
You're, like, the only person who was ever nice to me,
but I am gonna have to kill you.
I can't go to prison. I'm way too pretty.
You think so?
I'll be right back to cut you up.
Think, Abigail.
How would you write yourself out of this one?
Mrs. Mapleworth hangs from the meat hook, waiting for the killer to return.
She is reminded of a recent ziplining adventure to Costa Rica
with her female travel companion, with whom she shared expenses.
Zipline!
No!
I like my faces tenderized.
Whatever you're doing isn't working.
It's called zipline.
Are you okay?
I am now. Oh, nice kick, Heidi.
Oh, I'm not done.
Now I'm done.
-Oh, Abigail, oh! -Thank God.
-Here. -Oh, thank you. Thank you.
Let me down, Gilbert.
You know I'm not a fan of the kickstand.
I'll wait it out.
What the hell's going on here? I mean, I know what's going on here.
I would love to hear your account, so that I know that you are...
You've been learning from me, both you guys.
Earlier today, my niece and I were walking down Main Street
and we noticed the new butcher shop by its sign.
It said "Canelli's Whole Meats."
This freezer's really cold.
Yeah, remind me to call her when I'm hanging photos
because those things could poke through plaster.
Let's cover you up.
Thank you, dear.
It is very chilly in here, like a cucumber.
Ah, yes. That's much better.
Nope.
Now they look like two jumbo marshmallows.
Then my niece showed me a photo that she had selfied on her portable phone.
The "and son" was painted after the murder.
And it was then we knew that Ben Jr. was, in fact, the murderer.
Can I hear it for the murder solving ladies?
Hey, hey, hey, man. Come on, be a little more professional.
Okay, ladies, just for shits and giggles, what would your next move be?
Arrest Ben Jr.!
Ben Jr., you are under arrest. Get up.
Hold on to that meat because the food in prison is terrible.
I'm psyched. I love murder. You're really cool, Aunt Abigail.
I couldn't have done it
without your need to chronicle every detail of your life online.
Solved it!
What in the squirrels?
You didn't have to hurl it like a football at my door, Jeremy.
Why'd it take so long to deliver? It's 11:30 at night.
It's like they're purposely using terrible photos of me.
That is hideous.