1
00:00:00,680 --> 00:00:02,310
Watch out, Aunt Abigail!

2
00:00:03,600 --> 00:00:05,810
You really shouldn't just wander
into someone's backyard

3
00:00:05,900 --> 00:00:07,110
while they're pumpkin shooting.

4
00:00:08,110 --> 00:00:10,070
America's so weird.

5
00:00:10,150 --> 00:00:12,490
I'm sorry to intrude, Mrs. Canelli.

6
00:00:12,570 --> 00:00:15,780
It's ex-Mrs. Canelli.
My maiden name is Twat.

7
00:00:15,870 --> 00:00:20,160
Do you mind if I ask a few questions,
ex-Mrs. Twat-Canelli?

8
00:00:20,290 --> 00:00:22,580
I guess so. Shoot.

9
00:00:25,080 --> 00:00:28,460
Is it safe to assume
that you and Mr. Canelli didn't get along?

10
00:00:28,550 --> 00:00:32,220
We used to. When we first met,
our love was like an inferno.

11
00:00:33,220 --> 00:00:37,680
We would hump each other
three, four, five times a night,

12
00:00:37,760 --> 00:00:39,350
and never in the same room.

13
00:00:39,430 --> 00:00:40,350
TMI.

14
00:00:40,430 --> 00:00:42,270
Too much intercourse.

15
00:00:42,350 --> 00:00:44,690
But then I found out
he had a gambling problem

16
00:00:44,770 --> 00:00:46,690
and was stealing money from me.

17
00:00:46,770 --> 00:00:49,020
And how much money did your husband take?

18
00:00:49,110 --> 00:00:51,940
He blew my life savings.

19
00:00:52,030 --> 00:00:54,150
Eighteen hundred dollars.

20
00:00:54,240 --> 00:00:56,200
As in 1,800?

21
00:00:56,280 --> 00:00:59,330
That's a pretty shitty amount of money
to kill someone for.

22
00:00:59,410 --> 00:01:01,490
I was never much of a saver.

23
00:01:01,580 --> 00:01:05,330
I'm addicted to QVC
and buying men drinks...

24
00:01:06,330 --> 00:01:07,830
that I met through QVC.

25
00:01:12,550 --> 00:01:14,720
I like to shop online too.

26
00:01:14,800 --> 00:01:17,800
I'm obsessed with vintage fanny packs.

27
00:01:17,890 --> 00:01:22,220
But sometimes, we buy things...

28
00:01:22,310 --> 00:01:25,350
to fill a hole in our lives.

29
00:01:31,440 --> 00:01:35,900
I hated him with every bone in my body,
except my vagina.

30
00:01:36,910 --> 00:01:39,820
My vagina bone loved him.

31
00:01:39,910 --> 00:01:42,200
And now my sweet Benji is dead.

32
00:01:42,290 --> 00:01:46,960
So many mixed feelings
about that horrible and adorable prick.

33
00:01:51,420 --> 00:01:54,170
I thank you for your time, Mrs. Twat.

34
00:02:02,100 --> 00:02:04,390
It's so sad, Ben Jr. losing his dad

35
00:02:04,470 --> 00:02:07,310
on the day of the grand opening
of their store.

36
00:02:07,390 --> 00:02:10,150
Yes, the burden
of their burgeoning butcher business

37
00:02:10,230 --> 00:02:12,190
now belongs to Ben Jr.

38
00:02:12,270 --> 00:02:13,820
Hold on.

39
00:02:15,070 --> 00:02:18,070
Aunt Abigail, look at this.

40
00:02:21,120 --> 00:02:23,200
Good gravy!

41
00:02:23,280 --> 00:02:26,250
When you reverse pinched it,
it made the picture bigger.

42
00:02:26,330 --> 00:02:27,910
No.

43
00:02:28,920 --> 00:02:31,750
What's in the picture?

44
00:02:36,260 --> 00:02:39,590
Heidi, thanks to you,
I think I know who the murderer is.

45
00:02:40,640 --> 00:02:43,720
I'm off to Canelli's.
You go get the police.

46
00:02:57,150 --> 00:02:59,860
The paint is still wet.

47
00:03:07,370 --> 00:03:09,080
Sorry, we're closed for the night.

48
00:03:10,080 --> 00:03:14,880
I really love
the way you display all your jars.

49
00:03:14,960 --> 00:03:17,510
It's very artful.
Did you take art in school?

50
00:03:17,590 --> 00:03:21,550
Because you're
a very talented sign painter too.

51
00:03:21,630 --> 00:03:22,800
I don't know what you mean.

52
00:03:22,890 --> 00:03:24,300
The "and son."

53
00:03:24,390 --> 00:03:28,390
It was a very interesting
and telling addition.

54
00:03:28,470 --> 00:03:31,560
Clearly it was painted
after your father's death.

55
00:03:31,640 --> 00:03:32,810
No, it wasn't.

56
00:03:32,900 --> 00:03:37,940
All you ever wanted was
for your father to appreciate you.

57
00:03:41,530 --> 00:03:44,780
I could never do anything right
in his eyes.

58
00:03:45,780 --> 00:03:49,120
Why couldn't he just put "and son"
on the sign?

59
00:03:49,200 --> 00:03:50,870
I'm listening. Let it out.

60
00:03:50,960 --> 00:03:54,460
I accidentally dropped
the large pork butt on my dad's foot,

61
00:03:54,540 --> 00:03:56,840
and he called me a waste of sperm.

62
00:03:56,920 --> 00:03:57,960
I snapped.

63
00:04:00,380 --> 00:04:02,300
Oh, my God.

64
00:04:02,380 --> 00:04:04,590
I killed my dad.

65
00:04:05,720 --> 00:04:07,060
Child, come here.

66
00:04:08,220 --> 00:04:09,270
Come here.

67
00:04:12,100 --> 00:04:15,100
Everything is going to be all right.

68
00:04:17,070 --> 00:04:18,440
I'm really sorry, Mrs. Mapleworth.

69
00:04:18,530 --> 00:04:20,570
You're, like, the only person
who was ever nice to me,

70
00:04:20,650 --> 00:04:21,900
but I am gonna have to kill you.

71
00:04:21,990 --> 00:04:24,200
I can't go to prison. I'm way too pretty.

72
00:04:24,280 --> 00:04:25,370
You think so?

73
00:04:25,450 --> 00:04:27,530
I'll be right back to cut you up.

74
00:04:29,330 --> 00:04:31,500
Think, Abigail.

75
00:04:31,580 --> 00:04:35,380
How would you
write yourself out of this one?

76
00:04:42,340 --> 00:04:47,850
Mrs. Mapleworth hangs from the meat hook,
waiting for the killer to return.

77
00:04:47,930 --> 00:04:52,270
She is reminded of a recent
ziplining adventure to Costa Rica

78
00:04:52,350 --> 00:04:58,060
with her female travel companion,
with whom she shared expenses.

79
00:04:58,150 --> 00:05:00,070
Zipline!

80
00:05:04,650 --> 00:05:06,910
No!

81
00:05:09,490 --> 00:05:13,250
I like my faces tenderized.

82
00:05:20,670 --> 00:05:22,550
Whatever you're doing isn't working.

83
00:05:22,630 --> 00:05:24,380
It's called zipline.

84
00:05:30,390 --> 00:05:31,220
Are you okay?

85
00:05:35,060 --> 00:05:37,850
I am now. Oh, nice kick, Heidi.

86
00:05:37,940 --> 00:05:39,440
Oh, I'm not done.

87
00:05:42,280 --> 00:05:43,990
Now I'm done.

88
00:05:44,070 --> 00:05:46,740
-Oh, Abigail, oh!
-Thank God.

89
00:05:46,820 --> 00:05:49,530
-Here.
-Oh, thank you. Thank you.

90
00:05:54,330 --> 00:05:55,460
Let me down, Gilbert.

91
00:05:56,410 --> 00:05:58,790
You know I'm not a fan of the kickstand.

92
00:06:00,000 --> 00:06:01,500
I'll wait it out.

93
00:06:01,590 --> 00:06:04,840
What the hell's going on here?
I mean, I know what's going on here.

94
00:06:04,920 --> 00:06:08,640
I would love to hear your account,
so that I know that you are...

95
00:06:11,010 --> 00:06:13,140
You've been learning from me,
both you guys.

96
00:06:13,220 --> 00:06:16,680
Earlier today, my niece and I were
walking down Main Street

97
00:06:16,770 --> 00:06:20,400
and we noticed the new butcher shop
by its sign.

98
00:06:20,480 --> 00:06:22,940
It said "Canelli's Whole Meats."

99
00:06:23,020 --> 00:06:25,240
This freezer's really cold.

100
00:06:25,320 --> 00:06:28,570
Yeah, remind me to call her
when I'm hanging photos

101
00:06:28,660 --> 00:06:30,530
because those things could
poke through plaster.

102
00:06:30,620 --> 00:06:32,280
Let's cover you up.

103
00:06:33,280 --> 00:06:34,910
Thank you, dear.

104
00:06:34,990 --> 00:06:38,790
It is very chilly in here,
like a cucumber.

105
00:06:38,870 --> 00:06:42,960
Ah, yes. That's much better.

106
00:06:43,040 --> 00:06:44,170
Nope.

107
00:06:44,250 --> 00:06:46,010
Now they look like two jumbo marshmallows.

108
00:06:46,090 --> 00:06:50,760
Then my niece showed me a photo that
she had selfied on her portable phone.

109
00:06:50,840 --> 00:06:54,350
The "and son" was painted
after the murder.

110
00:06:54,430 --> 00:06:59,980
And it was then we knew
that Ben Jr. was, in fact, the murderer.

111
00:07:00,060 --> 00:07:03,440
Can I hear it
for the murder solving ladies?

112
00:07:05,530 --> 00:07:09,200
Hey, hey, hey, man.
Come on, be a little more professional.

113
00:07:09,280 --> 00:07:13,120
Okay, ladies, just for shits and giggles,
what would your next move be?

114
00:07:13,200 --> 00:07:14,080
Arrest Ben Jr.!

115
00:07:14,160 --> 00:07:15,620
Arrest Ben Jr.!

116
00:07:15,700 --> 00:07:18,910
Ben Jr., you are under arrest. Get up.

117
00:07:19,000 --> 00:07:22,290
Hold on to that meat
because the food in prison is terrible.

118
00:07:22,380 --> 00:07:26,130
I'm psyched. I love murder.
You're really cool, Aunt Abigail.

119
00:07:26,210 --> 00:07:27,210
I couldn't have done it

120
00:07:27,300 --> 00:07:31,300
without your need to chronicle
every detail of your life online.

121
00:07:33,930 --> 00:07:35,720
Solved it!

122
00:07:49,610 --> 00:07:53,030
What in the squirrels?

123
00:07:53,110 --> 00:07:57,200
You didn't have to hurl it like a football
at my door, Jeremy.

124
00:07:57,290 --> 00:08:01,290
Why'd it take so long to deliver?
It's 11:30 at night.

125
00:08:01,370 --> 00:08:05,250
It's like they're purposely using
terrible photos of me.

126
00:08:05,340 --> 00:08:06,420
That is hideous.