1
00:00:02,730 --> 00:00:05,310
No. No, no, no. I didn't do this.

2
00:00:05,400 --> 00:00:08,360
Oh, yeah? You are holding a cork gun
in your hand.

3
00:00:08,440 --> 00:00:10,240
You are under arrest, young lady.

4
00:00:10,320 --> 00:00:11,690
That's ridiculous.

5
00:00:11,780 --> 00:00:15,280
She's a college student. She doesn't have
the energy to murder anyone.

6
00:00:15,370 --> 00:00:16,990
Pilts.

7
00:00:18,160 --> 00:00:21,290
Sorry about this.
I'll pay all your legal fees, though.

8
00:00:21,370 --> 00:00:22,870
Now this is a story.

9
00:00:22,960 --> 00:00:25,040
I hope he was dead
before that corkscrew went in.

10
00:00:25,120 --> 00:00:26,830
Yeah. He was like this when I got here.

11
00:00:26,920 --> 00:00:30,340
He was already dead
and then I saw that cork gun thing

12
00:00:30,420 --> 00:00:31,920
and I thought I'd pick it up.

13
00:00:32,010 --> 00:00:33,340
Cork gun?

14
00:00:33,420 --> 00:00:38,470
Cork to the eye and you're to blame.
Belt gives cork a bad name.

15
00:00:38,560 --> 00:00:40,560
-Is she trying to rap?
-Chief Bills.

16
00:00:40,640 --> 00:00:44,230
I ask you to kindly wait
to take Heidi to jail

17
00:00:44,310 --> 00:00:47,560
until we interrogate Belt one more time.

18
00:00:47,650 --> 00:00:50,190
-We?
-I'm only trying to help.

19
00:00:50,280 --> 00:00:53,650
And learn from your crime savant
expertise.

20
00:00:53,740 --> 00:00:56,450
Make it quick. Pilts, keep an eye on...

21
00:00:58,070 --> 00:00:59,080
This one right here.

22
00:00:59,160 --> 00:01:04,250
It's Heidi. For the 50th time.

23
00:01:04,330 --> 00:01:07,330
-Take her to the interrogation room.
-Which one? Did you have a favorite?

24
00:01:07,420 --> 00:01:10,300
I don't care. Set up traffic cones.

25
00:01:10,380 --> 00:01:11,590
Use your head sometimes.

26
00:01:11,670 --> 00:01:15,630
Use my head? Wouldn't it be faster
if I used my arms and hands?

27
00:01:15,720 --> 00:01:17,720
Everybody, get out! This is a crime scene!

28
00:01:17,800 --> 00:01:18,720
-Everybody out!
-We're going.

29
00:01:18,800 --> 00:01:21,260
-I still think the bathroom was coolest.
-Are you kidding me?

30
00:01:21,350 --> 00:01:22,180
Oh, my.

31
00:01:22,270 --> 00:01:23,730
What the hell are you doing?

32
00:01:23,810 --> 00:01:25,270
-Get-- Get out.
-Just taking it in.

33
00:01:25,350 --> 00:01:26,390
Fine.

34
00:01:26,480 --> 00:01:28,270
Begone!

35
00:01:34,820 --> 00:01:36,910
Crab penii in a death grip.

36
00:01:41,200 --> 00:01:43,830
Very funny ringtone, Heidi.

37
00:01:45,710 --> 00:01:51,130
Now how did I manage to just order socks
with my dogs' faces on them?

38
00:01:51,210 --> 00:01:52,710
I didn't do it.

39
00:01:52,800 --> 00:01:54,800
Let's stop the bullshit.

40
00:01:54,880 --> 00:01:59,840
Belt, did you or did you not shoot
Brent in the eye with your cork?

41
00:01:59,930 --> 00:02:03,640
I would never hurt,
let alone kill anyone using cork.

42
00:02:03,720 --> 00:02:08,100
Cork is like God's fingertips
in bottles of wine.

43
00:02:08,190 --> 00:02:09,850
-It's obvious you love cork.
-Yes.

44
00:02:09,940 --> 00:02:10,980
You're a real cork hound.

45
00:02:11,060 --> 00:02:13,730
You have a relationship.
A deep relationship with cork.

46
00:02:13,820 --> 00:02:14,820
Yes.

47
00:02:15,860 --> 00:02:17,150
Excuse me, chief.

48
00:02:17,240 --> 00:02:20,280
We tried to bring your evidence to the car
but the trunk was locked.

49
00:02:20,370 --> 00:02:22,160
Goddamn it. Belt, don't you move.

50
00:02:22,240 --> 00:02:25,580
You're sitting right there in your cork
hole until I come back. And I mean it.

51
00:02:25,660 --> 00:02:27,540
I mean it. Don't you move.

52
00:02:27,620 --> 00:02:29,170
-Okay.
-I mean it.

53
00:02:29,250 --> 00:02:30,580
I'm not going anywhere.

54
00:02:30,670 --> 00:02:34,340
Mr. Belt, how angry were you at Julia?

55
00:02:34,420 --> 00:02:36,550
I could never get too angry at her.

56
00:02:36,630 --> 00:02:40,050
She was the only one who understood
my passion for cork.

57
00:02:40,130 --> 00:02:42,180
She understood
that I needed it in my life.

58
00:02:43,180 --> 00:02:45,770
I've always wanted to ask her on a date

59
00:02:45,850 --> 00:02:48,600
but I sensed that she belonged
with someone else.

60
00:02:50,310 --> 00:02:53,730
Still, to go with her to a sports bar,

61
00:02:54,820 --> 00:02:58,610
and brush her hair out of her eyes
and just give her a little kiss, like a...

62
00:03:07,700 --> 00:03:09,250
-Gilbert.
-Yeah, Abigail?

63
00:03:09,330 --> 00:03:12,130
The chief needs help loading evidence.

64
00:03:12,210 --> 00:03:14,380
Oh, my.
What is that perfume you're wearing?

65
00:03:14,460 --> 00:03:17,510
DEET. My yard is full of ticks.

66
00:03:17,590 --> 00:03:20,970
Tell you what, that would not repel me.

67
00:03:22,140 --> 00:03:23,010
All right.

68
00:03:23,090 --> 00:03:25,390
Okay, this was-- I knew it.

69
00:03:25,470 --> 00:03:28,020
Heidi, let's go solve a murder.

70
00:03:38,440 --> 00:03:40,280
A thousand likes?

71
00:03:40,360 --> 00:03:42,780
Oh, my God. Sick.

72
00:03:47,910 --> 00:03:49,500
Heidi, what happened dear?

73
00:03:50,620 --> 00:03:52,750
She hit me over the head.

74
00:03:52,830 --> 00:03:54,130
-Are you okay?
-Yeah.

75
00:03:54,210 --> 00:03:56,590
But I will milk this for a couple of days.

76
00:03:56,670 --> 00:03:59,300
Lanie, it's no use hiding.

77
00:03:59,380 --> 00:04:02,800
Come on out.
I know you killed Julia and Brent.

78
00:04:02,880 --> 00:04:04,300
Why would I do that?

79
00:04:04,390 --> 00:04:08,770
Because you were in love with Brent
and he was having an affair with Julia.

80
00:04:08,850 --> 00:04:12,690
You killed them both out of jealousy,
fueled by a broken heart.

81
00:04:12,770 --> 00:04:15,810
You also texted Heidi on Brent's phone

82
00:04:15,900 --> 00:04:18,320
in order to frame her
for both of the murders.

83
00:04:19,320 --> 00:04:22,780
You also stole a car in your 20's
and sunk it in a lake,

84
00:04:22,860 --> 00:04:25,530
but we don't have time to deal
with that one today. Put a pin in it.

85
00:04:25,620 --> 00:04:27,030
Okay.

86
00:04:27,120 --> 00:04:28,120
I did it.

87
00:04:28,200 --> 00:04:29,620
I killed them both.

88
00:04:29,700 --> 00:04:33,210
She was my best friend
and she knew I loved Brent.

89
00:04:33,290 --> 00:04:35,120
But she banged him anyway.

90
00:04:35,210 --> 00:04:40,920
She banged him and she BJ'd him
and HJ'd him and...

91
00:04:41,010 --> 00:04:43,300
She did the Tallahassee Hustle on him.

92
00:04:43,380 --> 00:04:44,430
Oh, that one's nice.

93
00:04:44,510 --> 00:04:46,760
They made each other squirt or whatever.

94
00:04:46,840 --> 00:04:48,560
Which I don't even think is real.

95
00:04:48,640 --> 00:04:50,180
It's just pee!

96
00:04:50,270 --> 00:04:51,470
That's not true.

97
00:04:51,560 --> 00:04:56,190
Come with us and we'll iron all this out
in the police station.

98
00:04:56,270 --> 00:04:59,190
Oh, no. The police will never know.

99
00:04:59,270 --> 00:05:02,150
Because you're not going anywhere.

100
00:05:06,780 --> 00:05:08,530
Think, Abigail.

101
00:05:08,620 --> 00:05:12,250
How would you write yourself
out of this one?

102
00:05:14,410 --> 00:05:18,540
Mrs. Mapleworth freezes
as the barrel barrels towards her.

103
00:05:18,630 --> 00:05:23,130
She's reminded of the summer she took
a rodeo clown gymnastics intensive

104
00:05:23,210 --> 00:05:26,340
at the age of 45 with her dental hygienist

105
00:05:26,430 --> 00:05:29,260
with whom she shared
a certain compatibility.

106
00:05:38,190 --> 00:05:40,270
Come on, man!

107
00:05:58,420 --> 00:05:59,920
No!

108
00:06:08,970 --> 00:06:11,720
Looks like I just donked your kong.

109
00:06:13,350 --> 00:06:16,390
Aunt Abigail, it's coming right at you!

110
00:06:20,270 --> 00:06:22,360
Oh, little...

111
00:06:26,190 --> 00:06:27,740
Die, Mrs. Mapleworth.

112
00:06:29,240 --> 00:06:31,240
Bring in a case of pinot too.

113
00:06:31,320 --> 00:06:34,200
And you'll dust it for fingerprints
and jammy notes.

114
00:06:34,290 --> 00:06:35,200
Abigail, no!

115
00:06:35,290 --> 00:06:37,160
Toddler drop!

116
00:06:42,460 --> 00:06:43,290
Hey!

117
00:06:43,380 --> 00:06:44,250
Yeah, Pilts.

118
00:06:44,340 --> 00:06:46,090
Well done, Gilbert.

119
00:06:46,170 --> 00:06:47,970
I owe you an HJ.

120
00:06:48,050 --> 00:06:49,840
A ham-jam sandwich?

121
00:06:51,220 --> 00:06:53,640
Thank you, Gilbert, for saving my life.

122
00:06:53,720 --> 00:06:56,310
Well, you're the light of my life.

123
00:06:58,230 --> 00:06:59,640
I'm not doing anything.

124
00:06:59,730 --> 00:07:02,900
Chief, you owe my niece an apology.

125
00:07:02,980 --> 00:07:06,190
I meant no disrespect to you, Heidi.

126
00:07:06,280 --> 00:07:07,940
You're forgiven, Chief Balls.

127
00:07:08,030 --> 00:07:10,030
It's Bills.

128
00:07:10,110 --> 00:07:11,490
Cute.

129
00:07:11,570 --> 00:07:15,200
Oh, well, you sure got your front-page
story didn't you, Wellingtont.

130
00:07:15,290 --> 00:07:17,830
Yes I did. How are your old lady farts?

131
00:07:17,910 --> 00:07:20,370
You are an inch of garbage water,
aren't you?

132
00:07:20,460 --> 00:07:22,000
That's right.

133
00:07:23,330 --> 00:07:26,550
You know that phone
nearly costs us both our lives,

134
00:07:26,630 --> 00:07:28,630
but I'm sure you've learned your lesson.

135
00:07:32,760 --> 00:07:35,180
"I promise to work on my phone addiction

136
00:07:35,260 --> 00:07:39,270
and spend more face-to-face time
with those who matter. Like you."

137
00:07:41,100 --> 00:07:44,310
I was very amused that you changed
all the sounds on my phone

138
00:07:44,400 --> 00:07:46,110
to blood-curdling screams.

139
00:07:46,190 --> 00:07:48,860
Yeah, I thought you might like that
because of all the murder stuff.

140
00:07:48,940 --> 00:07:51,450
How many glasses of wine did we have?

141
00:07:51,530 --> 00:07:55,580
I counted nine each.
So we are walking home.

142
00:07:55,660 --> 00:07:56,530
I'll say.

143
00:08:04,380 --> 00:08:05,500
Oh, my feet hurt.

144
00:08:08,170 --> 00:08:12,180
I'm too tired and tipsy to solve
any more murders tonight, people.

145
00:08:12,260 --> 00:08:13,090
Hello?

146
00:08:14,090 --> 00:08:16,890
I think somebody keeps dialing me
with their rectum.

147
00:08:21,770 --> 00:08:25,400
Let's go inside and get under a blanket
of cats and pusses.