1
00:00:00,250 --> 00:00:01,880
-[GUN COCKS]
-Watch out, Aunt Abigail!

2
00:00:03,587 --> 00:00:05,797
You really shouldn't just wander
into someone's backyard

3
00:00:05,881 --> 00:00:07,091
while they're pumpkin shooting.

4
00:00:08,091 --> 00:00:10,051
America's so weird.

5
00:00:10,135 --> 00:00:12,465
I'm sorry to intrude, Mrs. Canelli.

6
00:00:12,554 --> 00:00:15,774
It's ex-Mrs. Canelli.
My maiden name is Twat.

7
00:00:15,849 --> 00:00:20,189
Do you mind if I ask a few questions,
ex-Mrs. Twat-Canelli?

8
00:00:20,270 --> 00:00:22,560
I guess so. Shoot.

9
00:00:22,648 --> 00:00:23,818
[GUNSHOT]

10
00:00:25,067 --> 00:00:28,447
Is it safe to assume
that you and Mr. Canelli didn't get along?

11
00:00:28,529 --> 00:00:32,199
We used to. When we first met,
our love was like an inferno.

12
00:00:33,200 --> 00:00:37,660
We would hump each other
three, four, five times a night,

13
00:00:37,746 --> 00:00:39,326
and never in the same room.

14
00:00:39,414 --> 00:00:40,334
TMI.

15
00:00:40,415 --> 00:00:42,245
Too much intercourse.

16
00:00:42,334 --> 00:00:44,674
But then I found out
he had a gambling problem

17
00:00:44,753 --> 00:00:46,673
and was stealing money from me.

18
00:00:46,755 --> 00:00:49,005
And how much money did your husband take?

19
00:00:49,091 --> 00:00:51,931
He blew my life savings.

20
00:00:52,010 --> 00:00:54,140
Eighteen hundred dollars.

21
00:00:54,221 --> 00:00:56,181
As in one thousand eight hundred?

22
00:00:56,265 --> 00:00:59,305
That's a pretty shitty amount of money
to kill someone for.

23
00:00:59,393 --> 00:01:01,483
I was never much of a saver.

24
00:01:01,562 --> 00:01:05,322
I'm addicted to QVC
and buying men drinks...

25
00:01:06,316 --> 00:01:07,816
that I met through QVC.

26
00:01:10,612 --> 00:01:12,452
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]

27
00:01:12,531 --> 00:01:14,701
I like to shop online too.

28
00:01:14,783 --> 00:01:17,793
I'm obsessed with vintage fanny packs.

29
00:01:17,870 --> 00:01:22,210
But sometimes, we buy things...

30
00:01:22,291 --> 00:01:25,341
to fill a hole in our lives.

31
00:01:31,425 --> 00:01:35,885
I hated him with every bone in my body,
except my vagina.

32
00:01:36,889 --> 00:01:39,809
-My vagina bone loved him.
-Mmm.

33
00:01:39,892 --> 00:01:42,192
And now my sweet Benji is dead.

34
00:01:42,269 --> 00:01:46,939
So many mixed feelings
about that horrible and adorable prick.

35
00:01:51,403 --> 00:01:54,163
I thank you for your time, Mrs. Twat.

36
00:01:54,239 --> 00:01:57,239
[WHIMSICAL MUSIC PLAYING]

37
00:02:02,080 --> 00:02:04,370
HEIDI:
It's so sad, Ben Jr. losing his dad

38
00:02:04,458 --> 00:02:07,288
on the day of the grand opening
of their store.

39
00:02:07,377 --> 00:02:10,127
Yes, the burden
of their burgeoning butcher business

40
00:02:10,214 --> 00:02:12,174
now belongs to Ben Jr.

41
00:02:12,257 --> 00:02:13,797
HEIDI:
Hold on.

42
00:02:15,052 --> 00:02:18,062
Aunt Abigail, look at this.

43
00:02:21,099 --> 00:02:23,189
Good gravy!

44
00:02:23,268 --> 00:02:26,228
When you reverse-pinched it,
it made the picture bigger.

45
00:02:26,313 --> 00:02:27,903
No.

46
00:02:28,899 --> 00:02:31,739
What's in the picture?

47
00:02:36,240 --> 00:02:39,580
Heidi, thanks to you,
I think I know who the murderer is.

48
00:02:40,619 --> 00:02:44,159
I'm off to Canelli's.
You go get the police.

49
00:02:44,706 --> 00:02:47,706
[MYSTERIOUS MUSIC PLAYING]

50
00:02:55,968 --> 00:02:57,048
Aha.

51
00:02:57,135 --> 00:02:59,845
The paint is still wet.

52
00:03:07,354 --> 00:03:09,064
Sorry, we're closed for the night.

53
00:03:10,065 --> 00:03:14,855
I really love
the way you display all your jars.

54
00:03:14,945 --> 00:03:17,485
It's very artful.
Did you take art in school?

55
00:03:17,573 --> 00:03:21,543
Because you're
a very talented sign painter too.

56
00:03:21,618 --> 00:03:22,788
I don't know what you mean.

57
00:03:22,870 --> 00:03:24,290
The "and son."

58
00:03:24,371 --> 00:03:28,381
It was a very interesting
and telling addition.

59
00:03:28,458 --> 00:03:31,548
Clearly, it was painted
after your father's death.

60
00:03:31,628 --> 00:03:32,798
No, it wasn't.

61
00:03:32,880 --> 00:03:37,930
All you ever wanted was
for your father to appreciate you.

62
00:03:38,010 --> 00:03:40,930
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]

63
00:03:41,513 --> 00:03:44,773
I could never do anything right
in his eyes.

64
00:03:45,767 --> 00:03:49,097
Why couldn't he just put "and son"
on the sign?

65
00:03:49,188 --> 00:03:50,858
I'm listening. Let it out.

66
00:03:50,939 --> 00:03:54,439
I accidentally dropped
the large pork butt on my dad's foot,

67
00:03:54,526 --> 00:03:56,816
and he called me a waste of sperm.

68
00:03:56,904 --> 00:03:57,954
I snapped.

69
00:04:00,365 --> 00:04:02,275
Oh, my God.

70
00:04:02,367 --> 00:04:04,577
I killed my dad.

71
00:04:04,661 --> 00:04:05,621
[BEN JR. SOBBING]

72
00:04:05,704 --> 00:04:07,044
Child, come here.

73
00:04:08,207 --> 00:04:09,917
Come here.

74
00:04:12,085 --> 00:04:15,085
Everything is going to be all right.

75
00:04:15,172 --> 00:04:16,972
[SHOCKING MUSIC PLAYING]

76
00:04:17,049 --> 00:04:18,429
BEN JR.:
I'm really sorry, Mrs. Mapleworth.

77
00:04:18,509 --> 00:04:20,549
You're, like, the only person
who was ever nice to me,

78
00:04:20,636 --> 00:04:21,886
but I am gonna have to kill you.

79
00:04:21,970 --> 00:04:24,180
I can't go to prison. I'm way too pretty.

80
00:04:24,264 --> 00:04:25,354
You think so?

81
00:04:25,432 --> 00:04:27,982
I'll be right back to cut you up.

82
00:04:29,311 --> 00:04:31,481
Think, Abigail.

83
00:04:31,563 --> 00:04:35,363
How would you write yourself
out of this one?

84
00:04:35,692 --> 00:04:38,702
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]

85
00:04:42,324 --> 00:04:47,834
Mrs. Mapleworth hangs from the meat hook,
waiting for the killer to return.

86
00:04:47,913 --> 00:04:52,253
She is reminded of a recent
zip-lining adventure to Costa Rica

87
00:04:52,334 --> 00:04:58,054
with her female travel companion,
with whom she shared expenses.

88
00:04:58,131 --> 00:05:00,051
Zipline!

89
00:05:04,638 --> 00:05:06,888
No!

90
00:05:09,476 --> 00:05:13,226
I like my faces tenderized.

91
00:05:15,482 --> 00:05:17,032
[ABIGAIL GRUNTING]

92
00:05:20,654 --> 00:05:22,534
Whatever you're doing isn't working.

93
00:05:22,614 --> 00:05:24,374
It's called zip line!

94
00:05:26,869 --> 00:05:27,829
[GRUNTS]

95
00:05:27,911 --> 00:05:29,541
[GROANING]

96
00:05:29,621 --> 00:05:31,211
-Whew.
-Are you okay?

97
00:05:31,290 --> 00:05:32,540
[ABIGAIL GASPS]

98
00:05:32,624 --> 00:05:33,924
[HEIDI YELLS]

99
00:05:35,043 --> 00:05:37,843
I am now. Oh, nice kick, Heidi.

100
00:05:37,921 --> 00:05:39,421
Oh, I'm not done.

101
00:05:42,259 --> 00:05:43,969
Now I'm done.

102
00:05:44,052 --> 00:05:46,722
-Oh, Abigail, oh!
-Thank God.

103
00:05:46,805 --> 00:05:49,515
-Here.
ABIGAIL: Oh, thank you. Thank you.

104
00:05:49,600 --> 00:05:51,060
[ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING]

105
00:05:51,143 --> 00:05:52,693
[BOTH MOANING]

106
00:05:54,188 --> 00:05:55,438
Let me down, Gilbert.

107
00:05:56,398 --> 00:05:58,778
You know I'm not a fan of the kickstand.

108
00:05:59,985 --> 00:06:01,485
I'll wait it out.

109
00:06:01,570 --> 00:06:04,820
What the hell's going on here?
I mean, I know what's going on here.

110
00:06:04,907 --> 00:06:08,617
I would love to hear your account,
so that I know that you are...

111
00:06:08,702 --> 00:06:10,292
[COMICAL MUSIC PLAYING]

112
00:06:10,370 --> 00:06:13,120
Uh, you've been learning from me,
both you guys.

113
00:06:13,207 --> 00:06:16,667
Earlier today, my niece and I
were walking down Main Street,

114
00:06:16,752 --> 00:06:20,382
and we noticed the new butcher shop
by its sign.

115
00:06:20,464 --> 00:06:22,934
It said "Canelli's Whole Meats."

116
00:06:23,008 --> 00:06:25,218
This freezer's really cold.

117
00:06:25,302 --> 00:06:28,562
Yeah, remind me to call her
when I'm hanging photos

118
00:06:28,639 --> 00:06:30,519
because those things
could poke through plaster.

119
00:06:30,599 --> 00:06:32,229
-Let's cover you up.
-Ah!

120
00:06:32,309 --> 00:06:34,899
-Heh-heh.
-Thank you, dear.

121
00:06:34,978 --> 00:06:38,148
It is very chilly in here,
like a cucumber.

122
00:06:38,232 --> 00:06:42,952
BILLS: Mm-hm.
-Ah, yes. That's much better.

123
00:06:43,028 --> 00:06:44,148
Nope.

124
00:06:44,238 --> 00:06:45,988
Now they look like two jumbo marshmallows.

125
00:06:46,073 --> 00:06:50,743
Then my niece showed me a photo that
she had selfied on her portable phone.

126
00:06:50,827 --> 00:06:54,327
The "and son" was painted
after the murder.

127
00:06:54,414 --> 00:06:59,964
And it was then we knew
that Ben Jr. was, in fact, the murderer.

128
00:07:00,045 --> 00:07:03,415
Can I hear it
for the murder-solving ladies?

129
00:07:03,507 --> 00:07:05,427
-[ABIGAIL CHUCKLES]
-[WHISTLES]

130
00:07:05,509 --> 00:07:09,179
Hey, hey, hey, man.
Come on, be a little more professional.

131
00:07:09,263 --> 00:07:13,103
Okay, ladies, just for shits and giggles,
what would your next move be?

132
00:07:13,183 --> 00:07:14,063
Arrest Ben Jr.!

133
00:07:14,142 --> 00:07:15,602
Arrest Ben Jr.!

134
00:07:15,686 --> 00:07:18,896
Ben Jr., you are under arrest. Get up. Ah!

135
00:07:18,981 --> 00:07:22,281
Hold on to that meat
because the food in prison is terrible!

136
00:07:22,359 --> 00:07:26,109
I'm psyched. I love murder.
You're really cool, Aunt Abigail.

137
00:07:26,196 --> 00:07:27,196
I couldn't have done it

138
00:07:27,281 --> 00:07:31,291
without your need to chronicle
every detail of your life online.

139
00:07:31,368 --> 00:07:33,078
Oh. Heh-heh.

140
00:07:33,912 --> 00:07:35,712
Solved it!

141
00:07:37,875 --> 00:07:40,875
[WHIMSICAL MUSIC PLAYING]

142
00:07:47,759 --> 00:07:48,889
[THUD]

143
00:07:49,595 --> 00:07:53,015
What in the squirrels?

144
00:07:53,098 --> 00:07:57,188
You didn't have to hurl it
like a football at my door, Jeremy!

145
00:07:57,269 --> 00:08:01,269
Why'd it take so long to deliver?
It's 11:30 at night.

146
00:08:01,356 --> 00:08:05,236
It's like they're purposely
using terrible photos of me.

147
00:08:05,319 --> 00:08:06,399
That is hideous.

148
00:08:06,486 --> 00:08:09,486
[MYSTERIOUS MUSIC PLAYING]

149
00:08:17,164 --> 00:08:19,174
[VILLAINOUS LAUGHTER]

150
00:08:20,918 --> 00:08:22,538
[COUGHING]

151
00:08:22,628 --> 00:08:24,458
[LAUGHTER RESUMES]