1
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[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

2
00:00:06,965 --> 00:00:09,965
-Welcome.
ABIGAIL: I can't tell you how excited I am

3
00:00:10,052 --> 00:00:13,892
that you're going to be able to enjoy
some authentic New Woodstream vino.

4
00:00:13,972 --> 00:00:17,062
-Hi, Abigail. Hi, Heidi.
ABIGAIL: Hello, Gilbert.

5
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-Are you working the party?
GILBERT: Yes.

6
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I'm actually working security.

7
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Last year, Martha Tweenis,
the church organist, came in here,

8
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got real drunk,
and started singing church hymns

9
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-but adding dirty words.
-Oh, dear.

10
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I had to escort her out of here,
but she did a toddler drop--

11
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Get to the point, Gilbert.

12
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-Enjoy the party, my queen.
-Thank you, Gilbert.

13
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[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

14
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[PEOPLE CHATTERING]

15
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[POP MUSIC PLAYS OVER CELL PHONE]

16
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Oh, stop it!

17
00:00:39,540 --> 00:00:42,460
Yeah, no, it's this new new cellphone,
I loaded all up.

18
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I don't know why you made me get
such a stupid device.

19
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Would you be a dear
and change the ring sound for me

20
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to something more appropriate?

21
00:00:50,259 --> 00:00:51,759
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I got you.

22
00:00:51,844 --> 00:00:54,564
Mapleworth on the cellular phone.
Who is it?

23
00:00:54,638 --> 00:00:56,428
Hey, it's Jerry, your agent.

24
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How is the book coming?

25
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Oh, it's going wonderfully.

26
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Can't you hear me typing?

27
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[MIMICKING TYPEWRITER]

28
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Sounds like you are cranking it out.

29
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Oh, yes, I'll have pages for you
by the end of the week.

30
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-Well, you are the best in the business.
-And you're the best of the Jerrys.

31
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[GROANS]

32
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It's okay if need to go home
and work on your book, Aunt Abigail.

33
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Pigeon paste! You just moved here.

34
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Let's have a little fun.

35
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Oh, you're always a good time,
Aunt Abigail.

36
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But I'm pretty sure
this party's not gonna be fun.

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[PLAYS JAZZ]

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-Why?
-Just a little bit of juicy jazz.

39
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Yes.

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[CORK POPS THEN GLASS CLINKS]

41
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What a snooze fest. It's like
the '80s had sex with the bible.

42
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Well, New Woodstream has its share
of interesting characters.

43
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Oh, chimp shit.

44
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Paige Wellington is here. She's the editor
of the town paper, The Biweekly Monthly,

45
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and she's a real know-it-all
pain in the pucker hole.

46
00:01:56,658 --> 00:01:59,368
-Paige!
-Mapleworth!

47
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What a beautiful polyester getup.

48
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What lovely colorless neck balls.

49
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Nice wig.

50
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I'm Heidi. I'm her niece.

51
00:02:07,419 --> 00:02:09,419
Cute. I'd leave this dumb party,

52
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but I'm doing a story
on Julia Squift's rollout of her new rosé.

53
00:02:12,591 --> 00:02:15,261
Oh, I'm sure it will be interesting.
She writes nonfiction.

54
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[SNORING]

55
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Oh, well...

56
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it's better than a book full of snotty,
made-up word garbage.

57
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My God, what is that smell?

58
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-It's horri-- Just-- Just acrid.
-Oh.

59
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It's making my eyes water. Oh. Paige...

60
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-Who raised you?
-I didn't do it.

61
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I didn't do it!

62
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Ripe.

63
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It was me and it was intentional.

64
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You might not be well.

65
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Oh, it's just a party trick.

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[SNORING]

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♪ What a friend we have in penis ♪

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♪ All the tip and shaft to share ♪

69
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Martha, you know you're not supposed
to be in here.

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Come on, let's go outside.

71
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No! We are-- Well-- I'm not going.
We're all having a good time.

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♪ Nearer my butt to thee ♪

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-Martha...
-MARTHA: h, no.

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Gilbert, you are just mad because we went
on that G-damned date

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and you weren't feeling it.

76
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Well, get over it, Gilbert,
because all of this is not for you

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-according to you.
ABIGAIL: Gilbert!

78
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I didn't know you were seeing someone.

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Why don't you introduce us
to your lovely, spirited gal?

80
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I am not his "gal."

81
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I asked him out about 10 times,

82
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and finally I had to surprise-join him
at his booth at the Waffle Closet.

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And we were having a wonderful time,
until he noticed I was there.

84
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And I was like,
"Get off my jock, Gilbert."

85
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Sounds like she wants to
really funk your junk.

86
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ABIGAIL:
Gilbert, I'm thrilled for you.

87
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You deserve to be physically reciprocated.

88
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No. I-- We-- I-- We--

89
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-We didn't do anything.
-I mean, I did something later.

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I put my Spanx in his mailbox.

91
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-Oh, dear.
-Oh, Martha, Martha, Martha...

92
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If you care about me at all,
let's talk about this outside.

93
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[BLOWS RASPBERRY]

94
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Oh, Martha, you know tongues
are for honeymoons.

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-Let's go.
-Goodbye!

96
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I don't wanna go.
I tricked you, I'm not gonna go.

97
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Toddler drop.

98
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♪ This little crotch of mine
I'm gonna let it shine ♪

99
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No. Close it.

100
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♪ Oh, this... ♪

101
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Hello, gals.

102
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Would you two like to try our best cab?

103
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No, thank you. I drove my own car here.

104
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-Oh. That is delicious.
-Oh, my turn.

105
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-There's a spit bucket right here.
-No, thank you. We're good.

106
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Oh, here's the rosé

107
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-Thanks for that.
-Thank you.

108
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I just want to thank you all
for coming to taste my new rosé.

109
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I so enjoyed making it.

110
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Mm. Oh, it starts with a hint
of peach skin on the lips

111
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that turns into an explosion
of mouth feels,

112
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and then it chokes you into a deeply...

113
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satisfying finish.

114
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[MOANING]

115
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[MOANING CONTINUES]

116
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I also wanna thank my best friend,
Lanie Delabouche,

117
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who catered this whole event.

118
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But I would stay away
from the mini crab cakes.

119
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I bit into one, I bit a little crab dick.

120
00:05:48,557 --> 00:05:50,227
I'm kidding!

121
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I assure you there aren't any penises
in any of the food.

122
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Not yet anyway.

123
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Well, have fun everyone.

124
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[MOANING]

125
00:06:05,741 --> 00:06:07,241
-Julia. What was that?
-What?

126
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This wine's been a really bad boy.

127
00:06:10,537 --> 00:06:12,537
I'm going to spank it until it turns red.

128
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All this wine is really going through me
like a frat boy down a Slip 'N Slide.

129
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I probably won't make it to the bathroom.

130
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We'll see. I wouldn't put money on it.

131
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Pretty bad.

132
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-Should you just go?
-Yes, I should.

133
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-I urge you...
-What?!

134
00:06:31,683 --> 00:06:35,983
-...to use caution with me, Julia. Yes.
-Oh, to use caution, Richard?

135
00:06:36,063 --> 00:06:38,863
BOTH:
You're not gonna get away with this.

136
00:06:45,656 --> 00:06:48,946
-Oh. The food is, like, really good.
-Oh, yeah?

137
00:06:49,034 --> 00:06:51,874
Julia clearly doesn't like it.

138
00:06:51,954 --> 00:06:55,174
She didn't have to shame me like that
in front of everyone.

139
00:06:55,249 --> 00:06:57,709
You know, sometimes she can be such a...

140
00:06:59,044 --> 00:07:02,054
A giant red butthole!

141
00:07:02,130 --> 00:07:04,550
Glad that you're the one
handling all the food.

142
00:07:04,633 --> 00:07:05,593
Thank you.

143
00:07:06,593 --> 00:07:09,893
Oh, God. The cheese is sweating.

144
00:07:09,972 --> 00:07:13,352
I better go blot it
or I'll hear it from Julia.

145
00:07:14,309 --> 00:07:15,769
No!

146
00:07:17,771 --> 00:07:19,651
Heidi, have you seen Julia anywhere?

147
00:07:20,649 --> 00:07:21,569
No, I haven't.

148
00:07:21,650 --> 00:07:24,440
I wanted to congratulate her
on her new wine.

149
00:07:24,528 --> 00:07:27,068
I usually hate rosé,
but this one is awful.

150
00:07:27,155 --> 00:07:28,815
It is making me tipsy though.

151
00:07:28,907 --> 00:07:32,407
I might even want to deep-throat
some of those crab dicks.

152
00:07:33,745 --> 00:07:35,535
Boo-hoo-hoo.

153
00:07:35,622 --> 00:07:38,922
Stop complaining. You think I care?

154
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You're pathetic.
I'm gonna go back to my party.

155
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[SCREAMING]

156
00:07:51,930 --> 00:07:53,560
[SCREAMING CONTINUES]

157
00:07:56,435 --> 00:07:58,305
Does somebody need help?

158
00:07:58,395 --> 00:08:00,185
Shh. I'm trying to figure that out.

159
00:08:00,272 --> 00:08:03,192
[SCREAMING CONTINUES]

160
00:08:03,275 --> 00:08:05,935
Sounds like me on the crapper.

161
00:08:06,028 --> 00:08:07,528
[SCREAMING CONTINUES IN DISTANCE]

162
00:08:07,613 --> 00:08:09,783
Oh, not funny now?

163
00:08:10,866 --> 00:08:12,736
I'm gonna go find my wife and kids.

164
00:08:12,826 --> 00:08:15,826
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]

165
00:08:19,416 --> 00:08:21,076
[GASPS]

166
00:08:21,168 --> 00:08:22,838
-Ah-ha.
-Oh.

167
00:08:23,337 --> 00:08:24,297
HEIDI:
That sucks.

168
00:08:24,880 --> 00:08:27,840
Looks like Julia ordered
a white wine squisher.

169
00:08:27,925 --> 00:08:29,005
Aunt Abigail.

170
00:08:29,092 --> 00:08:32,302
Sometimes, humor is the perfect poultice
for pain.

171
00:08:32,387 --> 00:08:34,677
Well, it's not a very...

172
00:08:34,765 --> 00:08:36,925
"flattering" way to die.

173
00:08:38,101 --> 00:08:40,941
She used to be a barrel of fun.

174
00:08:42,397 --> 00:08:44,687
-It is sad, though.
-So sad.

175
00:08:44,775 --> 00:08:46,435
Sorry, got to do this.

176
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[ALL SCREAMING]