1 00:00:02,711 --> 00:00:05,301 No. No, no, no. I didn't do this. 2 00:00:05,380 --> 00:00:08,340 Oh, yeah? You are holding a cork gun in your hand. 3 00:00:08,425 --> 00:00:10,215 You are under arrest, young lady. 4 00:00:10,302 --> 00:00:11,682 That's ridiculous. 5 00:00:11,762 --> 00:00:15,272 She's a college student. She doesn't have the energy to murder anyone. 6 00:00:15,349 --> 00:00:16,979 Pilts. 7 00:00:18,143 --> 00:00:21,273 Sorry about this. I'll pay all your legal fees, though. 8 00:00:21,355 --> 00:00:22,855 Now this is a story. 9 00:00:22,940 --> 00:00:25,030 I hope he was dead before that corkscrew went in. 10 00:00:25,108 --> 00:00:26,818 Yeah. He was like this when I got here. 11 00:00:26,902 --> 00:00:30,322 He was already dead and then I saw that cork gun thing 12 00:00:30,405 --> 00:00:31,905 and I thought I'd pick it up. 13 00:00:31,990 --> 00:00:33,330 Cork gun? 14 00:00:33,408 --> 00:00:38,458 Cork to the eye and you're to blame. Belt gives cork a bad name. 15 00:00:38,539 --> 00:00:40,539 -Is she trying to rap? -Chief Bills. 16 00:00:40,624 --> 00:00:44,214 I ask you to kindly wait to take Heidi to jail 17 00:00:44,294 --> 00:00:47,554 until we interrogate Belt one more time. 18 00:00:47,631 --> 00:00:50,181 -We? -I'm only trying to help. 19 00:00:50,259 --> 00:00:53,639 And learn from your crime savant expertise. 20 00:00:53,720 --> 00:00:56,430 Make it quick. Pilts, keep an eye on... 21 00:00:58,058 --> 00:00:59,058 This one right here. 22 00:00:59,142 --> 00:01:04,232 It's Heidi. For the 50th time. 23 00:01:04,314 --> 00:01:07,324 -Take her to the interrogation room. -Which one? Did you have a favorite? 24 00:01:07,401 --> 00:01:10,281 I don't care. Set up traffic cones. 25 00:01:10,362 --> 00:01:11,572 Use your head sometimes. 26 00:01:11,655 --> 00:01:15,615 Use my head? Wouldn't it be faster if I used my arms and hands? 27 00:01:15,701 --> 00:01:17,701 Everybody, get out! This is a crime scene! 28 00:01:17,786 --> 00:01:18,696 -Everybody out! -We're going. 29 00:01:18,787 --> 00:01:21,247 -I still think the bathroom was coolest. -Are you kidding me? 30 00:01:21,331 --> 00:01:22,171 Oh, my. 31 00:01:22,249 --> 00:01:23,709 What the hell are you doing? 32 00:01:23,792 --> 00:01:25,252 -Get-- Get out. -Just taking it in. 33 00:01:25,335 --> 00:01:26,375 Fine. 34 00:01:26,461 --> 00:01:28,261 Begone! 35 00:01:34,803 --> 00:01:36,893 Crab penii in a death grip. 36 00:01:41,185 --> 00:01:43,805 Very funny ringtone, Heidi. 37 00:01:45,689 --> 00:01:51,109 Now how did I manage to just order socks with my dogs' faces on them? 38 00:01:51,195 --> 00:01:52,695 I didn't do it. 39 00:01:52,779 --> 00:01:54,779 Let's stop the bullshit. 40 00:01:54,865 --> 00:01:59,825 Belt, did you or did you not shoot Brent in the eye with your cork? 41 00:01:59,912 --> 00:02:03,622 I would never hurt, let alone kill anyone using cork. 42 00:02:03,707 --> 00:02:08,087 Cork is like God's fingertips in bottles of wine. 43 00:02:08,170 --> 00:02:09,840 -It's obvious you love cork. -Yes. 44 00:02:09,922 --> 00:02:10,962 You're a real cork hound. 45 00:02:11,048 --> 00:02:13,718 You have a relationship. A deep relationship with cork. 46 00:02:13,800 --> 00:02:14,800 Yes. 47 00:02:15,844 --> 00:02:17,144 Excuse me, chief. 48 00:02:17,221 --> 00:02:20,271 We tried to bring your evidence to the car but the trunk was locked. 49 00:02:20,349 --> 00:02:22,139 Goddamn it. Belt, don't you move. 50 00:02:22,226 --> 00:02:25,556 You're sitting right there in your cork hole until I come back. And I mean it. 51 00:02:25,646 --> 00:02:27,516 I mean it. Don't you move. 52 00:02:27,606 --> 00:02:29,146 -Okay. -I mean it. 53 00:02:29,233 --> 00:02:30,573 I'm not going anywhere. 54 00:02:30,651 --> 00:02:34,321 Mr. Belt, how angry were you at Julia? 55 00:02:34,404 --> 00:02:36,534 I could never get too angry at her. 56 00:02:36,615 --> 00:02:40,035 She was the only one who understood my passion for cork. 57 00:02:40,118 --> 00:02:42,158 She understood that I needed it in my life. 58 00:02:43,163 --> 00:02:45,753 I've always wanted to ask her on a date 59 00:02:45,832 --> 00:02:48,592 but I sensed that she belonged with someone else. 60 00:02:50,295 --> 00:02:53,715 Still, to go with her to a sports bar, 61 00:02:54,800 --> 00:02:58,600 and brush her hair out of her eyes and just give her a little kiss, like a... 62 00:03:07,688 --> 00:03:09,228 -Gilbert. -Yeah, Abigail? 63 00:03:09,314 --> 00:03:12,114 The chief needs help loading evidence. 64 00:03:12,192 --> 00:03:14,362 Oh, my. What is that perfume you're wearing? 65 00:03:14,444 --> 00:03:17,494 DEET. My yard is full of ticks. 66 00:03:17,573 --> 00:03:20,953 Tell you what, that would not repel me. 67 00:03:22,119 --> 00:03:22,999 All right. 68 00:03:23,078 --> 00:03:25,368 Okay, this was-- I knew it. 69 00:03:25,455 --> 00:03:27,995 Heidi, let's go solve a murder. 70 00:03:38,427 --> 00:03:40,257 A thousand likes? 71 00:03:40,345 --> 00:03:42,755 Oh, my God. Sick. 72 00:03:47,895 --> 00:03:49,475 Heidi, what happened dear? 73 00:03:50,606 --> 00:03:52,726 She hit me over the head. 74 00:03:52,816 --> 00:03:54,106 -Are you okay? -Yeah. 75 00:03:54,193 --> 00:03:56,573 But I will milk this for a couple of days. 76 00:03:56,653 --> 00:03:59,283 Lanie, it's no use hiding. 77 00:03:59,364 --> 00:04:02,784 Come on out. I know you killed Julia and Brent. 78 00:04:02,868 --> 00:04:04,288 Why would I do that? 79 00:04:04,369 --> 00:04:08,749 Because you were in love with Brent and he was having an affair with Julia. 80 00:04:08,832 --> 00:04:12,672 You killed them both out of jealousy, fueled by a broken heart. 81 00:04:12,753 --> 00:04:15,803 You also texted Heidi on Brent's phone 82 00:04:15,881 --> 00:04:18,301 in order to frame her for both of the murders. 83 00:04:19,301 --> 00:04:22,761 You also stole a car in your 20's and sunk it in a lake, 84 00:04:22,846 --> 00:04:25,516 but we don't have time to deal with that one today. Put a pin in it. 85 00:04:25,599 --> 00:04:27,019 Okay. 86 00:04:27,100 --> 00:04:28,100 I did it. 87 00:04:28,185 --> 00:04:29,595 I killed them both. 88 00:04:29,686 --> 00:04:33,186 She was my best friend and she knew I loved Brent. 89 00:04:33,273 --> 00:04:35,113 But she banged him anyway. 90 00:04:35,192 --> 00:04:40,912 She banged him and she BJ'd him and HJ'd him and... 91 00:04:40,989 --> 00:04:43,279 She did the Tallahassee Hustle on him. 92 00:04:43,367 --> 00:04:44,407 Oh, that one's nice. 93 00:04:44,493 --> 00:04:46,753 They made each other squirt or whatever. 94 00:04:46,828 --> 00:04:48,538 Which I don't even think is real. 95 00:04:48,622 --> 00:04:50,172 It's just pee! 96 00:04:50,249 --> 00:04:51,459 That's not true. 97 00:04:51,542 --> 00:04:56,172 Come with us and we'll iron all this out in the police station. 98 00:04:56,255 --> 00:04:59,165 Oh, no. The police will never know. 99 00:04:59,258 --> 00:05:02,138 Because you're not going anywhere. 100 00:05:06,765 --> 00:05:08,515 Think, Abigail. 101 00:05:08,600 --> 00:05:12,230 How would you write yourself out of this one? 102 00:05:14,398 --> 00:05:18,528 Mrs. Mapleworth freezes as the barrel barrels towards her. 103 00:05:18,610 --> 00:05:23,120 She's reminded of the summer she took a rodeo clown gymnastics intensive 104 00:05:23,198 --> 00:05:26,328 at the age of 45 with her dental hygienist 105 00:05:26,410 --> 00:05:29,250 with whom she shared a certain compatibility. 106 00:05:38,172 --> 00:05:40,262 Come on, man! 107 00:05:58,400 --> 00:05:59,900 No! 108 00:06:08,952 --> 00:06:11,712 Looks like I just donked your kong. 109 00:06:13,332 --> 00:06:16,382 Aunt Abigail, it's coming right at you! 110 00:06:20,255 --> 00:06:22,335 Oh, little... 111 00:06:26,178 --> 00:06:27,718 Die, Mrs. Mapleworth. 112 00:06:29,223 --> 00:06:31,233 Bring in a case of pinot too. 113 00:06:31,308 --> 00:06:34,188 And you'll dust it for fingerprints and jammy notes. 114 00:06:34,269 --> 00:06:35,189 Abigail, no! 115 00:06:35,270 --> 00:06:37,150 Toddler drop! 116 00:06:42,444 --> 00:06:43,284 Hey! 117 00:06:43,362 --> 00:06:44,242 Yeah, Pilts. 118 00:06:44,321 --> 00:06:46,071 Well done, Gilbert. 119 00:06:46,156 --> 00:06:47,946 I owe you an HJ. 120 00:06:48,033 --> 00:06:49,833 A ham-jam sandwich? 121 00:06:51,203 --> 00:06:53,623 Thank you, Gilbert, for saving my life. 122 00:06:53,705 --> 00:06:56,285 Well, you're the light of my life. 123 00:06:58,210 --> 00:06:59,630 I'm not doing anything. 124 00:06:59,711 --> 00:07:02,881 Chief, you owe my niece an apology. 125 00:07:02,965 --> 00:07:06,175 I meant no disrespect to you, Heidi. 126 00:07:06,260 --> 00:07:07,930 You're forgiven, Chief Balls. 127 00:07:08,011 --> 00:07:10,011 It's Bills. 128 00:07:10,097 --> 00:07:11,467 Cute. 129 00:07:11,557 --> 00:07:15,187 Oh, well, you sure got your front-page story didn't you, Wellingtont. 130 00:07:15,269 --> 00:07:17,809 Yes I did. How are your old lady farts? 131 00:07:17,896 --> 00:07:20,356 You are an inch of garbage water, aren't you? 132 00:07:20,440 --> 00:07:21,980 That's right. 133 00:07:23,318 --> 00:07:26,528 You know that phone nearly costs us both our lives, 134 00:07:26,613 --> 00:07:28,623 but I'm sure you've learned your lesson. 135 00:07:32,744 --> 00:07:35,164 "I promise to work on my phone addiction 136 00:07:35,247 --> 00:07:39,247 and spend more face-to-face time with those who matter. Like you." 137 00:07:41,086 --> 00:07:44,296 I was very amused that you changed all the sounds on my phone 138 00:07:44,381 --> 00:07:46,091 to blood-curdling screams. 139 00:07:46,175 --> 00:07:48,835 Yeah, I thought you might like that because of all the murder stuff. 140 00:07:48,927 --> 00:07:51,427 How many glasses of wine did we have? 141 00:07:51,513 --> 00:07:55,563 I counted nine each. So we are walking home. 142 00:07:55,642 --> 00:07:56,522 I'll say. 143 00:08:04,359 --> 00:08:05,489 Oh, my feet hurt. 144 00:08:08,155 --> 00:08:12,155 I'm too tired and tipsy to solve any more murders tonight, people. 145 00:08:12,242 --> 00:08:13,082 Hello? 146 00:08:14,077 --> 00:08:16,867 I think somebody keeps dialing me with their rectum. 147 00:08:21,752 --> 00:08:25,382 Let's go inside and get under a blanket of cats and pusses.