1
00:00:00,125 --> 00:00:02,625
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]

2
00:00:02,711 --> 00:00:05,301
No. No, no, no. I didn't do this.

3
00:00:05,380 --> 00:00:08,340
Oh, yeah? You are holding a cork gun
in your hand.

4
00:00:08,425 --> 00:00:10,215
You are under arrest, young lady.

5
00:00:10,302 --> 00:00:11,682
That's ridiculous.

6
00:00:11,762 --> 00:00:15,272
She's a college student. She doesn't have
the energy to murder anyone.

7
00:00:15,349 --> 00:00:16,979
-Pilts.
-Oh. Ha, ha.

8
00:00:18,143 --> 00:00:21,273
Sorry about this.
I'll pay all your legal fees, though.

9
00:00:21,355 --> 00:00:22,855
PAIGE:
Now this is a story.

10
00:00:22,940 --> 00:00:25,030
I hope he was dead
before that corkscrew went in.

11
00:00:25,108 --> 00:00:26,818
Yeah. He was like this when I got here.

12
00:00:26,902 --> 00:00:30,322
He was already dead
and then I saw that cork gun thing

13
00:00:30,405 --> 00:00:31,905
and I thought I'd pick it up.

14
00:00:31,990 --> 00:00:33,330
Cork gun? Hmm?

15
00:00:33,408 --> 00:00:38,458
Cork to the eye and you're to blame.
Belt gives cork a bad name.

16
00:00:38,539 --> 00:00:40,539
-Is she trying to rap?
ABIGAIL: Chief Bills.

17
00:00:40,624 --> 00:00:44,214
I ask you to kindly wait
to take Heidi to jail

18
00:00:44,294 --> 00:00:47,554
until we interrogate Belt one more time.

19
00:00:47,631 --> 00:00:50,181
-We?
-I'm only trying to help.

20
00:00:50,259 --> 00:00:53,639
And learn from your crime savant
expertise.

21
00:00:53,720 --> 00:00:56,430
Make it quick. Pilts, keep an eye on...

22
00:00:58,058 --> 00:00:59,058
This one right here.

23
00:00:59,142 --> 00:01:04,232
It's Heidi. For the 50th time.

24
00:01:04,314 --> 00:01:07,324
-Take her to the interrogation room.
-Which one? Did you have a favorite?

25
00:01:07,401 --> 00:01:10,281
I don't care. Set up traffic cones.

26
00:01:10,362 --> 00:01:11,572
Use your head sometimes.

27
00:01:11,655 --> 00:01:15,615
Use my head? Wouldn't it be faster
if I used my arms and hands?

28
00:01:15,701 --> 00:01:17,701
Everybody, get out! This is a crime scene!

29
00:01:17,786 --> 00:01:18,696
-Everybody out!
-We're going.

30
00:01:18,787 --> 00:01:20,497
GILBERT:
I still think the bathroom was coolest.

31
00:01:20,581 --> 00:01:22,171
CHIEF: Are you kidding me?
ABIGAIL: Oh, my.

32
00:01:22,249 --> 00:01:23,709
What the hell are you doing?

33
00:01:23,792 --> 00:01:25,252
-Get-- Get out.
-Just taking it in.

34
00:01:25,335 --> 00:01:26,375
Fine.

35
00:01:26,461 --> 00:01:28,261
Begone!

36
00:01:28,338 --> 00:01:30,758
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

37
00:01:33,218 --> 00:01:34,718
[GASPS]

38
00:01:34,803 --> 00:01:36,893
Crab penii in a death grip.

39
00:01:37,264 --> 00:01:39,274
[WOMAN SCREAMING
AND CELL PHONE BUZZING]

40
00:01:41,185 --> 00:01:43,805
Very funny ringtone, Heidi.

41
00:01:45,689 --> 00:01:51,109
Now how did I manage to just order socks
with my dogs' faces on them?

42
00:01:51,195 --> 00:01:52,695
RICHARD:
I didn't do it.

43
00:01:52,779 --> 00:01:54,239
Let's stop the bullshit.

44
00:01:54,740 --> 00:01:59,830
Belt, did you or did you not shoot
Brent in the eye with your cork?

45
00:01:59,912 --> 00:02:03,622
I would never hurt,
let alone kill anyone using cork.

46
00:02:03,707 --> 00:02:08,087
Cork is like God's fingertips
in bottles of wine.

47
00:02:08,170 --> 00:02:10,170
-It's obvious you love cork.
-Yes.

48
00:02:10,255 --> 00:02:12,625
You're a real cork hound.
You have a relationship.

49
00:02:12,716 --> 00:02:14,796
-A deep relationship with cork.
-Yes.

50
00:02:15,844 --> 00:02:17,144
Excuse me, chief.

51
00:02:17,221 --> 00:02:20,271
We tried to bring your evidence to the car
but the trunk was locked.

52
00:02:20,349 --> 00:02:22,139
Goddamn it. Belt, don't you move.

53
00:02:22,226 --> 00:02:25,556
You're sitting right there in your cork
hole until I come back. And I mean it.

54
00:02:25,646 --> 00:02:27,516
I mean it. Don't you move.

55
00:02:27,606 --> 00:02:29,146
RICHARD: Okay.
-I mean it.

56
00:02:29,233 --> 00:02:30,573
I'm not going anywhere.

57
00:02:30,651 --> 00:02:34,321
Mr. Belt, how angry were you at Julia?

58
00:02:34,404 --> 00:02:36,534
I could never get too angry at her.

59
00:02:36,615 --> 00:02:39,485
She was the only one who understood
my passion for cork.

60
00:02:40,118 --> 00:02:42,158
She understood
that I needed it in my life.

61
00:02:43,163 --> 00:02:45,753
I've always wanted to ask her on a date

62
00:02:45,832 --> 00:02:48,592
but I sensed that she belonged
with someone else.

63
00:02:50,295 --> 00:02:53,715
Still, to go with her to a sports bar,

64
00:02:54,800 --> 00:02:58,600
and brush her hair out of her eyes
and just give her a little kiss, like a...

65
00:02:58,679 --> 00:03:01,679
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]

66
00:03:07,688 --> 00:03:09,228
-Gilbert.
-Yeah, Abigail?

67
00:03:09,314 --> 00:03:12,114
The chief needs help loading evidence.

68
00:03:12,192 --> 00:03:14,362
Oh, my.
What is that perfume you're wearing?

69
00:03:14,444 --> 00:03:17,494
DEET. My yard is full of ticks.

70
00:03:17,573 --> 00:03:20,953
Tell you what, that would not repel me.

71
00:03:21,034 --> 00:03:22,044
[GROANS]

72
00:03:22,119 --> 00:03:22,999
All right.

73
00:03:23,078 --> 00:03:25,368
Okay, this was-- I knew it.

74
00:03:25,455 --> 00:03:27,995
Heidi, let's go solve a murder.

75
00:03:28,750 --> 00:03:31,750
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]

76
00:03:38,427 --> 00:03:40,257
HEIDI:
A thousand likes?

77
00:03:40,345 --> 00:03:42,755
Oh, my God. Sick.

78
00:03:42,848 --> 00:03:44,678
Whoa.

79
00:03:45,767 --> 00:03:47,307
[GRUNTS]

80
00:03:47,895 --> 00:03:49,265
Heidi, what happened dear?

81
00:03:49,354 --> 00:03:50,614
[HEIDI GROANS]

82
00:03:50,689 --> 00:03:52,729
She hit me over the head.

83
00:03:52,816 --> 00:03:54,106
-Are you okay?
-Yeah.

84
00:03:54,193 --> 00:03:56,573
But I will milk this for a couple of days.

85
00:03:56,653 --> 00:03:59,283
Lanie, it's no use hiding.

86
00:03:59,364 --> 00:04:02,784
Come on out.
I know you killed Julia and Brent.

87
00:04:02,868 --> 00:04:04,288
LANIE:
Why would I do that?

88
00:04:04,369 --> 00:04:08,749
Because you were in love with Brent
and he was having an affair with Julia.

89
00:04:08,832 --> 00:04:12,672
You killed them both out of jealousy,
fueled by a broken heart.

90
00:04:12,753 --> 00:04:15,803
You also texted Heidi on Brent's phone

91
00:04:15,881 --> 00:04:18,301
in order to frame her
for both of the murders.

92
00:04:18,383 --> 00:04:19,223
Uhn-uhn.

93
00:04:19,301 --> 00:04:22,761
You also stole a car in your 20's
and sunk it in a lake,

94
00:04:22,846 --> 00:04:25,516
but we don't have time to deal
with that one today. Put a pin in it.

95
00:04:25,599 --> 00:04:27,019
Okay.

96
00:04:27,100 --> 00:04:28,100
I did it.

97
00:04:28,185 --> 00:04:29,595
I killed them both.

98
00:04:29,686 --> 00:04:33,186
She was my best friend
and she knew I loved Brent.

99
00:04:33,273 --> 00:04:35,113
But she banged him anyway.

100
00:04:35,192 --> 00:04:40,912
She banged him and she BJ'd him
and HJ'd him and...

101
00:04:40,989 --> 00:04:43,279
She did the Tallahassee Hustle on him.

102
00:04:43,367 --> 00:04:44,407
Oh, that one's nice.

103
00:04:44,493 --> 00:04:46,753
They made each other squirt or whatever.

104
00:04:46,828 --> 00:04:48,538
Which I don't even think is real.

105
00:04:48,622 --> 00:04:50,172
It's just pee!

106
00:04:50,249 --> 00:04:51,459
That's not true.

107
00:04:51,542 --> 00:04:56,172
Come with us and we'll iron all this out
in the police station.

108
00:04:56,255 --> 00:04:59,165
Oh, no. The police will never know.

109
00:04:59,258 --> 00:05:02,138
-Because you're not going anywhere.
HEIDI: Oh.

110
00:05:02,219 --> 00:05:05,309
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]

111
00:05:06,765 --> 00:05:08,515
Think, Abigail.

112
00:05:08,600 --> 00:05:12,230
How would you write yourself
out of this one?

113
00:05:12,771 --> 00:05:14,311
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]

114
00:05:14,398 --> 00:05:18,528
ABIGAIL: Mrs. Mapleworth freezes
as the barrel barrels towards her.

115
00:05:18,610 --> 00:05:23,120
She's reminded of the summer she took
a rodeo clown gymnastics intensive

116
00:05:23,198 --> 00:05:26,328
at the age of 45 with her dental hygienist

117
00:05:26,410 --> 00:05:29,250
with whom she shared
a certain compatibility.

118
00:05:38,172 --> 00:05:40,262
Come on, man!

119
00:05:40,340 --> 00:05:43,220
[JUBILANT MUSIC PLAYING]

120
00:05:46,180 --> 00:05:47,470
[WHIMPERING]

121
00:05:48,765 --> 00:05:50,425
-Ah.
-Uhn!

122
00:05:53,979 --> 00:05:55,229
[WHINING]

123
00:05:55,314 --> 00:05:56,824
Yee-ha!

124
00:05:56,899 --> 00:05:58,319
[HORSE NEIGHS]

125
00:05:58,400 --> 00:05:59,900
No!

126
00:06:06,700 --> 00:06:08,870
[BOTH GRUNT]

127
00:06:08,952 --> 00:06:11,462
Looks like I just donked your kong.

128
00:06:11,538 --> 00:06:13,248
[JUBILANT MUSIC PLAYING]

129
00:06:13,332 --> 00:06:16,382
Aunt Abigail, it's coming right at you!

130
00:06:16,460 --> 00:06:18,960
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]

131
00:06:19,588 --> 00:06:20,918
[WOMAN SCREAMING RINGTONE PLAYING]

132
00:06:21,006 --> 00:06:22,336
Oh, little... Ah!

133
00:06:26,178 --> 00:06:27,718
Die, Mrs. Mapleworth.

134
00:06:28,138 --> 00:06:29,138
[ABIGAIL GRUNTS]

135
00:06:29,223 --> 00:06:31,233
Bring in a case of pinot too.

136
00:06:31,308 --> 00:06:34,188
And you'll dust it for fingerprints
and jammy notes.

137
00:06:34,269 --> 00:06:35,189
Abigail, no!

138
00:06:35,270 --> 00:06:37,150
Toddler drop!

139
00:06:37,356 --> 00:06:38,516
[CORK POPS]

140
00:06:42,444 --> 00:06:43,284
Hey!

141
00:06:43,362 --> 00:06:44,242
Yeah, Pilts.

142
00:06:44,321 --> 00:06:46,071
ABIGAIL:
Well done, Gilbert.

143
00:06:46,156 --> 00:06:47,946
I owe you an HJ.

144
00:06:48,033 --> 00:06:49,833
A ham-jam sandwich?

145
00:06:49,910 --> 00:06:51,120
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

146
00:06:51,203 --> 00:06:53,623
Thank you, Gilbert, for saving my life.

147
00:06:53,705 --> 00:06:56,285
Well, you're the light of my life.

148
00:06:56,375 --> 00:06:57,625
[SIGHS]

149
00:06:58,210 --> 00:06:59,630
I'm not doing anything.

150
00:06:59,711 --> 00:07:02,881
Chief, you owe my niece an apology.

151
00:07:02,965 --> 00:07:06,175
I meant no disrespect to you, Heidi.

152
00:07:06,260 --> 00:07:07,930
You're forgiven, Chief Balls.

153
00:07:08,011 --> 00:07:10,011
It's Bills.

154
00:07:10,097 --> 00:07:11,467
Cute.

155
00:07:11,557 --> 00:07:15,187
Oh, well, you sure got your front-page
story didn't you, Wellingtont.

156
00:07:15,269 --> 00:07:17,809
Yes, I did. How are your old lady farts?

157
00:07:17,896 --> 00:07:20,356
You are an inch of garbage water,
aren't you?

158
00:07:20,440 --> 00:07:21,980
That's right.

159
00:07:22,067 --> 00:07:23,237
[JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING]

160
00:07:23,318 --> 00:07:26,528
You know that phone
nearly costs us both our lives,

161
00:07:26,613 --> 00:07:28,623
but I'm sure you've learned your lesson.

162
00:07:28,949 --> 00:07:31,199
[WOMAN SCREAMING RINGTONE PLAYS]

163
00:07:32,744 --> 00:07:35,164
ABIGAIL:
"I promise to work on my phone addiction

164
00:07:35,247 --> 00:07:39,247
and spend more face-to-face time
with those who matter. Like you."

165
00:07:39,334 --> 00:07:40,424
Oh...

166
00:07:41,086 --> 00:07:44,296
I was very amused that you changed
all the sounds on my phone

167
00:07:44,381 --> 00:07:46,091
to blood-curdling screams.

168
00:07:46,175 --> 00:07:48,835
Yeah, I thought you might like that
because of all the murder stuff.

169
00:07:48,927 --> 00:07:51,427
How many glasses of wine did we have?

170
00:07:51,513 --> 00:07:55,563
I counted nine each.
So we are walking home.

171
00:07:55,642 --> 00:07:56,522
I'll say.

172
00:07:58,937 --> 00:08:00,937
[LINE RINGING]

173
00:08:02,608 --> 00:08:04,278
Oh...

174
00:08:04,359 --> 00:08:05,399
Oh, my feet hurt.

175
00:08:05,485 --> 00:08:06,445
[WOMAN SCREAMING]

176
00:08:08,155 --> 00:08:12,155
I'm too tired and tipsy to solve
any more murders tonight, people.

177
00:08:12,242 --> 00:08:13,082
Hello?

178
00:08:13,535 --> 00:08:16,865
Oh. I think somebody keeps dialing me
with their rectum.

179
00:08:16,955 --> 00:08:18,615
[RUSTLING]

180
00:08:21,752 --> 00:08:25,382
Let's go inside and get under a blanket
of cats and pusses.

181
00:08:25,464 --> 00:08:27,384
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]

182
00:08:27,466 --> 00:08:29,006
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]