1
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ABIGAIL: Heidi, you don't have to be here.
It's Saturday night.

2
00:00:03,003 --> 00:00:06,633
Shouldn't you be out with your friends
fidgeting each other's spinners?

3
00:00:06,715 --> 00:00:08,215
That's an old one.

4
00:00:08,300 --> 00:00:12,010
Now we just like listening
to people whisper things.

5
00:00:12,095 --> 00:00:13,925
And besides, I like being here with you.

6
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ANNOUNCER:
And now, the BcBillan you just can't kill.

7
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[PIANO PLAYING]

8
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Oh, my goodness.

9
00:00:20,437 --> 00:00:22,227
So many beautiful faces tonight.

10
00:00:22,314 --> 00:00:25,734
So kind of you all
to be here for this concert

11
00:00:25,817 --> 00:00:29,567
to benefit my dead
or jailed family members.

12
00:00:29,655 --> 00:00:32,945
My beloved brothers were poisoned, uh,

13
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by my cunt of a sister
right there on the end.

14
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-[AUDIENCE GROANS]
-Oh, no, no. Don't feel bad for me, guys.

15
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It's a pretty good diet, really.

16
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[SINGING] Just don't eat anything
Because you might get poisoned

17
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[CHUCKLING]

18
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Mmm.

19
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But seriously, though,

20
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I was never allowed
to write any of our songs

21
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because of those cocksuckers right there.

22
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But, uh, I'm the only one left,
so I had no choice.

23
00:01:01,645 --> 00:01:02,685
We've got "Short Straw."

24
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Brave.

25
00:01:11,864 --> 00:01:13,534
-Here we go!
-[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]

26
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[SINGING] I picked the short straw
The bruisiest apple

27
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The grocery cart
With the fucked-up wheel

28
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I got that short-ass straw
That looks like a toothpick

29
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The puniest boobs
In the whole damn field

30
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Short straw

31
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[ALL CHEERING]

32
00:01:32,551 --> 00:01:35,801
That's right, people.
I got that short straw.

33
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And by "short straw,"
I mean "stripper pole."

34
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Oh.

35
00:01:41,602 --> 00:01:44,232
Thanks for putting it in, Gene. Wink.

36
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Short straw

37
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All right, spin me. Spin me.

38
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I lost feeling down there hours ago.

39
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[MYSTERIOUS MUSIC PLAYING]

40
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Ah! She's dead.

41
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[SHOCKING MUSIC PLAYING]

42
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[AUDIENCE MURMURING]

43
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Oh, dear.

44
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She's as dead as a goldfish on a couch.

45
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GILBERT:
You know what?

46
00:02:19,848 --> 00:02:22,478
Branda couldn't have been
the murderer this time. She's in jail.

47
00:02:22,559 --> 00:02:26,899
The good news is
that Branda is not the murderer.

48
00:02:26,980 --> 00:02:29,900
The bad news is that Branda

49
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-is the murdered!
-[ALL GASP]

50
00:02:32,528 --> 00:02:34,858
-No.
-What in the hot fudge?

51
00:02:34,947 --> 00:02:37,777
-How did you know Branda was in there?
-I figured it out.

52
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Because I stan
the BcBillan family so much.

53
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And I thank my niece
for teaching me the word "stan."

54
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My aunt's my best friend.

55
00:02:47,835 --> 00:02:49,665
Don't know why I said that. Why not?

56
00:02:49,753 --> 00:02:51,763
There are many things about me
that are not perfect.

57
00:02:51,839 --> 00:02:52,839
Liar!

58
00:02:52,923 --> 00:02:55,973
I have irregular pubic borders,
I have butter-soft nails,

59
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and I have a fourth nipple.

60
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Stuff of nightmares.

61
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But I do have perfect pitch
and that piano was off-key.

62
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We didn't notice it

63
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because Broda was actually
the most talented musically in the family.

64
00:03:08,146 --> 00:03:09,896
But she didn't get a chance to show it.

65
00:03:09,982 --> 00:03:12,902
She was adjusting
to the off-key accompaniment.

66
00:03:12,985 --> 00:03:15,605
-Let me explain this further.
-Why don't you sing it?

67
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[SOFTLY]
You know I can't do that.

68
00:03:19,700 --> 00:03:20,780
Don't be afraid.

69
00:03:20,868 --> 00:03:22,368
Who wants to hear her sing?

70
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[CHANTING]
Abigail.

71
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ALL [CHANTING]:
Abigail.

72
00:03:27,249 --> 00:03:29,249
Abigail.

73
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Abigail.

74
00:03:30,794 --> 00:03:34,014
When I was in my 20s,
a moth flew into my windpipe,

75
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and ever since then,
I'm terrified to sing in public.

76
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Singing in public, my greatest fear.

77
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Think, Abigail.

78
00:03:41,597 --> 00:03:44,927
How would you write yourself out of this?

79
00:03:46,185 --> 00:03:51,645
Mrs. Mapleworth stood center stage
in front of 2 million people

80
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at the International Arena of Europe.

81
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[SINGING]
I'm not afraid anymore

82
00:03:59,406 --> 00:04:04,156
I've kicked down that scaredy-cat door

83
00:04:04,244 --> 00:04:06,414
Hey, world

84
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Hear me

85
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Roar

86
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[LAUGHS]

87
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[COUGHING]

88
00:04:24,014 --> 00:04:26,024
You can do it, Aunt Abigail.

89
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[TENSE MUSIC PLAYING]

90
00:04:28,310 --> 00:04:32,110
[SINGING]

91
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I just don't understand why she has
to sing it, you know what I'm saying?

92
00:04:43,992 --> 00:04:45,582
It's not even an actual song.

93
00:04:45,661 --> 00:04:47,961
She's just giving us dry information
on the case.

94
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Stop half-singing. It's unnatural.

95
00:04:59,174 --> 00:05:01,934
You should be afraid to sing in public!

96
00:05:02,010 --> 00:05:03,140
BILLS:
What is happening right now?

97
00:05:03,220 --> 00:05:04,350
[AUDIENCE MURMURING]

98
00:05:04,429 --> 00:05:05,809
Oh, now it's a duet.

99
00:05:05,889 --> 00:05:08,309
[CONTINUES SINGING]

100
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HEIDI [SINGING]:
Best voice, best voice

101
00:05:12,938 --> 00:05:14,608
Thank the Lord.

102
00:05:31,331 --> 00:05:34,711
BOTH [SINGING]:

103
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I'm clapping for all of us
because that was amazing.

104
00:05:44,887 --> 00:05:46,847
But wait, who killed Broda?

105
00:05:46,930 --> 00:05:49,560
-Oh. So--
-Enough with the damn singing!

106
00:05:49,641 --> 00:05:52,271
-Who did it?!
-Death by splits.

107
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She died of a broken vulva.

108
00:05:55,731 --> 00:06:00,571
Fun fact, did you know the heart
and the vulva are the same organ?

109
00:06:00,652 --> 00:06:02,452
It's the longest organ in the body.

110
00:06:02,529 --> 00:06:06,869
No, actually, sorry. That's not true.
I was premed at Princeton.

111
00:06:07,910 --> 00:06:09,120
Just...

112
00:06:09,203 --> 00:06:12,463
Actually, no, I didn't go to classes
so it might be.

113
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Either or.

114
00:06:13,540 --> 00:06:16,540
[LIGHTHEARTED MUSIC PLAYING]

115
00:06:17,294 --> 00:06:19,714
All this crying has made me chafe my lips.

116
00:06:19,796 --> 00:06:22,006
Do you have any lip salve?

117
00:06:22,090 --> 00:06:23,220
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

118
00:06:23,300 --> 00:06:26,680
I'm sorry, Aunt Abigail.
I know it was your favorite band.

119
00:06:26,762 --> 00:06:29,312
I'll make you a playlist
of some of the bands I like

120
00:06:29,389 --> 00:06:31,929
and maybe you'll like them too.

121
00:06:32,017 --> 00:06:33,477
That's very kind of you.

122
00:06:33,560 --> 00:06:35,600
-Real talk?
-Mm-hm.

123
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-You look like a clown whore.
-Oh.

124
00:06:38,232 --> 00:06:40,402
Well, that's not the first time
I've heard that.

125
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I used to have a lucrative job
as a circus prostitute.

126
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And I was always paid under the table,
where the BJs happened.

127
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Oh, God. I miss BJs.

128
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[LOUDLY]
Just kidding.

129
00:06:51,578 --> 00:06:52,828
[IN NORMAL VOICE]
Oh, excuse me.

130
00:06:56,041 --> 00:06:59,251
Well, Heidi, even though
they resented each other...

131
00:06:59,336 --> 00:07:01,506
-And murdered each other.
-Oh, that's true.

132
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They were still a family.

133
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They stuck together till the end.

134
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HEIDI:
Oh.

135
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[GRUNTING]

136
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Yeah.

137
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[MYSTERIOUS MUSIC PLAYING]

138
00:07:18,564 --> 00:07:20,154
[YELPING]

139
00:07:26,989 --> 00:07:29,199
You'll love this band, Aunt Abigail.

140
00:07:29,283 --> 00:07:31,033
They're loud and filthy,

141
00:07:31,118 --> 00:07:34,288
just like you, you disgusting creature.

142
00:07:34,371 --> 00:07:36,501
I'm actually not staying, dear.

143
00:07:36,582 --> 00:07:40,542
I thought you'd enjoy this concert
with a couple of new school friends.

144
00:07:41,420 --> 00:07:44,420
-Oh. They look like total weirdos.
BOTH: Hi!

145
00:07:44,506 --> 00:07:46,296
Yep.

146
00:07:46,383 --> 00:07:48,473
Thank you. I feel seen.

147
00:07:51,722 --> 00:07:54,062
-What's up, my bitches?
GIRL: Hey.

148
00:07:54,141 --> 00:07:57,141
-[PUNK MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]
-Oh, no.

149
00:07:57,227 --> 00:08:00,227
[MYSTERIOUS MUSIC PLAYING]

150
00:08:00,314 --> 00:08:01,904
[HOWLING IN DISTANCE]

151
00:08:04,109 --> 00:08:05,649
GILBERT:
Abigail!

152
00:08:05,736 --> 00:08:07,526
Gilbert.

153
00:08:07,613 --> 00:08:08,953
Ah.

154
00:08:09,031 --> 00:08:10,781
Lovely night for a stroll.

155
00:08:10,866 --> 00:08:13,736
May I escort you home?

156
00:08:13,827 --> 00:08:15,867
Yes, of course.

157
00:08:15,954 --> 00:08:17,714
Isn't this pleasant?

158
00:08:17,789 --> 00:08:20,539
[SHOCKING MUSIC PLAYING]

159
00:08:20,626 --> 00:08:21,876
[TIRES SCREECHING]

160
00:08:23,337 --> 00:08:25,087
Abigail, watch out!

161
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[CRASHING NOISES]