1 00:00:05,589 --> 00:00:07,129 Abigail, watch out! 2 00:00:10,802 --> 00:00:12,262 Abigail? 3 00:00:12,346 --> 00:00:14,056 Abigail! No, no! 4 00:00:15,140 --> 00:00:16,890 Oh, Abigail. 5 00:00:17,893 --> 00:00:19,063 Are you all right? 6 00:00:19,144 --> 00:00:23,364 That car hit me so hard, it knocked my shirt clear off. 7 00:00:24,775 --> 00:00:27,145 -What are you doing, Gilbert? -I'm covering you. 8 00:00:27,236 --> 00:00:28,776 Oh, my goodness. 9 00:00:28,862 --> 00:00:29,782 There. 10 00:00:30,781 --> 00:00:32,491 Thank you. 11 00:00:32,574 --> 00:00:36,914 May I say, your chest has a lovely personality. 12 00:00:36,995 --> 00:00:39,115 Well, thank you. Right back at you, milady. 13 00:00:39,206 --> 00:00:40,576 I'm so happy that you're all right. 14 00:00:40,666 --> 00:00:43,206 That driver could have caused a serious accident. 15 00:00:43,293 --> 00:00:45,963 Oh, that was no accident, Gilbert. 16 00:00:46,046 --> 00:00:48,586 Someone just tried to murder me. 17 00:00:57,182 --> 00:01:00,942 Gilbert, I don't understand why I have to do a police report. 18 00:01:01,019 --> 00:01:02,229 It was nothing. 19 00:01:02,312 --> 00:01:05,902 Someone trying to run you over and leaving you topless is not nothing. 20 00:01:05,983 --> 00:01:07,903 Who would want to kill you? 21 00:01:07,985 --> 00:01:11,525 I have accused nearly everyone in New Woodstream of murder, 22 00:01:11,613 --> 00:01:14,953 but I don't see why any of them would want me dead. 23 00:01:15,033 --> 00:01:17,163 Well, I'm not gonna sit around here and do nothing 24 00:01:17,244 --> 00:01:19,294 while someone's out there trying to kill you. 25 00:01:19,371 --> 00:01:20,661 Me "meither." 26 00:01:20,747 --> 00:01:22,457 I meant to say, "Me neeber." 27 00:01:22,541 --> 00:01:23,421 Nope, dang it. 28 00:01:23,500 --> 00:01:25,750 I'm trying to sound reassuring and I keep fudging it up. 29 00:01:25,836 --> 00:01:29,586 What are we waiting for? Let's deduce who's trying to murder me. 30 00:01:31,175 --> 00:01:33,045 Well, it solves itself. 31 00:01:33,135 --> 00:01:36,755 Oh, Aunt Abigail, are you sure you're not shelving pingers? 32 00:01:36,847 --> 00:01:39,467 -I could be. -What in the hell is going on here? 33 00:01:39,558 --> 00:01:41,268 Pilts, you allowed this woman to come in here 34 00:01:41,351 --> 00:01:43,481 and crapify my suspect board like this? 35 00:01:43,562 --> 00:01:46,942 -This is a mess. -I'm percolating. Please. 36 00:01:47,024 --> 00:01:48,154 You're not the police. 37 00:01:48,233 --> 00:01:51,113 Which is why you shouldn't be doing any of this arts and craft stuff 38 00:01:51,195 --> 00:01:52,395 on my suspect board. 39 00:01:53,488 --> 00:01:55,568 Where is Abigail Mapleworth? Who is in charge here? 40 00:01:55,657 --> 00:01:58,907 -Jerry? -Abigail, you're okay. Thank God. 41 00:02:01,872 --> 00:02:02,922 Jerry! 42 00:02:02,998 --> 00:02:07,288 Everyone, this is my agent, Jerry Sprinks. What are you doing here? 43 00:02:07,377 --> 00:02:10,417 I was in the next town over at my niece's brother's wedding. 44 00:02:10,506 --> 00:02:11,756 Your nephew. 45 00:02:11,840 --> 00:02:15,340 My-- Yes. Yes. I don't know why I said it that way. 46 00:02:15,427 --> 00:02:18,347 But I thought I would come over and see how the new book is coming in. 47 00:02:18,430 --> 00:02:21,810 When I was checking into the hotel, someone said you were almost run over. 48 00:02:21,892 --> 00:02:22,892 Are you all right? 49 00:02:22,976 --> 00:02:27,436 Yes, just a little bit of a bruised ego and a left breast. 50 00:02:27,523 --> 00:02:30,363 When that car came at me, it really knocked my knockers, 51 00:02:30,442 --> 00:02:32,572 but it evened them out, so that's good news. 52 00:02:32,653 --> 00:02:35,243 Well, I thought I'd come here and find you as flat as a panini, 53 00:02:35,322 --> 00:02:37,072 but you're not and I'm glad. 54 00:02:38,951 --> 00:02:40,121 Jerry. 55 00:02:40,202 --> 00:02:41,702 My left beanbag, please. 56 00:02:41,787 --> 00:02:44,867 It's like a gator gave me a "mamma-mogram." 57 00:02:44,957 --> 00:02:47,377 Well, how about I finish checking in at the hotel 58 00:02:47,459 --> 00:02:49,959 and you join me later for a cocktail? 59 00:02:50,045 --> 00:02:53,165 I would love that. After tonight, I need a good stiff one. 60 00:02:53,257 --> 00:02:55,837 -The stiffer the better. -Rock hard liquor. 61 00:02:55,926 --> 00:02:59,256 Well, it's not hard to lick her when she's rocking that skirt. 62 00:02:59,346 --> 00:03:02,176 -Holy innuendo. -More like, "hardly in her endo." 63 00:03:03,183 --> 00:03:06,773 -Jerry, no! -Jerry! For the win! 64 00:03:07,855 --> 00:03:10,265 "In your endo." 65 00:03:10,357 --> 00:03:12,147 Oh, agents. 66 00:03:12,234 --> 00:03:13,744 Bad news everyone. 67 00:03:13,819 --> 00:03:15,699 My septic tank has flooded the basement. 68 00:03:15,779 --> 00:03:18,869 Also, I just got a call there's an abandoned car in the cemetery. 69 00:03:18,949 --> 00:03:21,699 It matches the description of that car that tried to hit you. 70 00:03:21,785 --> 00:03:23,865 -New Woodstream Cemetery? -Nope. 71 00:03:23,954 --> 00:03:25,334 South New Woodstream Cemetery? 72 00:03:25,414 --> 00:03:28,174 -Hilltop Cemetery Annex One? -Nope. 73 00:03:28,250 --> 00:03:30,000 St. Francis the Blessed Animal Owner Cemetery? 74 00:03:30,085 --> 00:03:31,245 Stop. Which one? 75 00:03:31,336 --> 00:03:34,046 Oh, it's at the Northwestern Woodstream Cemetery South. 76 00:03:34,131 --> 00:03:35,551 Let's go, Heidi. 77 00:03:35,632 --> 00:03:37,132 Hey, hey, hey. 78 00:03:37,217 --> 00:03:40,847 That's a potential crime scene over there. I don't want you going near that car. 79 00:03:40,929 --> 00:03:42,639 We promise. 80 00:03:44,266 --> 00:03:47,306 -Pilts, tail them. -Tail? 81 00:03:47,394 --> 00:03:48,774 -Gilbert. -Yes? 82 00:03:48,854 --> 00:03:50,564 -Tail them now. -Tell them what? 83 00:03:50,647 --> 00:03:52,767 -Follow them! -Follow. Follow. 84 00:03:52,858 --> 00:03:54,778 -You mean, "tail." Okay, got it. -Yeah. 85 00:03:54,860 --> 00:03:58,410 All right, Heidi. There's the car. Let's get to snooping. 86 00:04:03,327 --> 00:04:05,747 -What are those? -Soiled tissues. 87 00:04:05,829 --> 00:04:07,119 The driver either has a cold 88 00:04:07,206 --> 00:04:10,246 or likes to play with their stick shift when they're driving. 89 00:04:10,334 --> 00:04:11,384 To the trunk! 90 00:04:13,170 --> 00:04:14,960 My, my, my. 91 00:04:15,047 --> 00:04:17,467 Oh, yeah. This is stalker city. 92 00:04:17,549 --> 00:04:19,509 They tried to cross out my name. 93 00:04:19,593 --> 00:04:21,853 Clearly, someone despises me. 94 00:04:21,929 --> 00:04:24,929 Is that orange nail polish? 95 00:04:25,015 --> 00:04:28,595 Hey, hey! It's me. It's Gilbert. 96 00:04:28,685 --> 00:04:33,145 -You didn't touch anything, right? -Why don't you ask Puppy Daisy? 97 00:04:34,525 --> 00:04:39,695 These nice ladies didn't do anything. Anything at all. 98 00:04:42,241 --> 00:04:44,951 Hi, I'm a friendly unicorn. 99 00:04:45,035 --> 00:04:48,155 -Wanna go romp in the grass together? -Nope. 100 00:04:48,247 --> 00:04:50,327 Great meeting you. 101 00:04:51,542 --> 00:04:52,922 Heidi, let's go. 102 00:04:56,255 --> 00:04:59,165 Yeah, I know you're a badass but I'm worried about you. 103 00:04:59,258 --> 00:05:02,848 Heidi, no one is going to try to murder me with all these people around. 104 00:05:02,928 --> 00:05:05,388 I just wanna have one nice drink with my agent 105 00:05:05,472 --> 00:05:07,102 and then I'll be home before you know it. 106 00:05:07,182 --> 00:05:08,102 Okay. 107 00:05:08,183 --> 00:05:10,733 Could you be a dear and feed all my babies? 108 00:05:10,811 --> 00:05:12,981 Yeah, sure. Where's their food? 109 00:05:13,063 --> 00:05:13,903 It's in the kitchen. 110 00:05:13,981 --> 00:05:17,991 Now, Cooper likes a cup of the food from the purple bag in the red bowl. 111 00:05:18,068 --> 00:05:20,148 And then form it into little meatballs. 112 00:05:20,237 --> 00:05:23,067 Izzy likes the leftovers from my egg fried rice. 113 00:05:23,156 --> 00:05:27,196 Buttercrunch likes his wet food warmed up, preferably in a body nook. 114 00:05:27,286 --> 00:05:30,366 Flattery Will Get You Everywhere will eat everything you hand him, 115 00:05:30,455 --> 00:05:32,455 so keep your tampons to yourself. 116 00:05:32,541 --> 00:05:35,091 The Schranz will only eat freeze-dried treats 117 00:05:35,169 --> 00:05:36,709 that smell like cheese. 118 00:05:36,795 --> 00:05:38,795 They'll be fine. They'll be fine. 119 00:05:38,881 --> 00:05:42,261 -You just stay safe, okay? -Thank you, dear. 120 00:05:43,468 --> 00:05:46,258 I'm not doing any of that shit, so who wants pizza? 121 00:05:47,931 --> 00:05:51,311 -What can I get you? -I would like a salty nipple. 122 00:05:51,393 --> 00:05:54,813 And as long as you're pouring, I'll have another Jack and Coke. 123 00:05:54,897 --> 00:05:57,437 And this time, put some Jack in it, asshole. 124 00:05:57,524 --> 00:06:00,784 Sir, you have reached your limit and I'm cutting you off. 125 00:06:04,740 --> 00:06:07,280 -Oh, dear. Oh, my. -Riffraff! 126 00:06:07,367 --> 00:06:11,457 My apologies for that rude individual. 127 00:06:11,663 --> 00:06:14,003 Your drink is on the house. 128 00:06:14,082 --> 00:06:17,092 -That is not necessary. -Of course it is. 129 00:06:17,169 --> 00:06:21,129 I've been working up the courage to tell you that I'm a huge fan. 130 00:06:21,215 --> 00:06:24,175 I own every single one of your books, even your children's book, 131 00:06:24,259 --> 00:06:27,549 Inspector Bear and the Chipmunk Stabbings. 132 00:06:27,638 --> 00:06:29,008 Thank you. 133 00:06:29,097 --> 00:06:30,387 Well, there she is. 134 00:06:30,474 --> 00:06:32,064 Well, hello there, Mrs. Twat. 135 00:06:32,142 --> 00:06:34,852 Don't "hello" me. You got my son locked up. 136 00:06:34,937 --> 00:06:38,107 Well, your son hung me from a meat hook and killed your ex-husband. 137 00:06:38,190 --> 00:06:40,530 My son was a good boy. 138 00:06:40,609 --> 00:06:42,779 And he always gave me money when I asked for it. 139 00:06:42,861 --> 00:06:47,071 And if he resisted, I would say, "Puh-weeze." 140 00:06:47,157 --> 00:06:49,737 And he would shit money out like an ATM. 141 00:06:49,826 --> 00:06:52,696 It's like you murdered my only source of income. 142 00:06:52,788 --> 00:06:55,618 If there weren't so many people in this bar, 143 00:06:55,707 --> 00:06:59,087 I'd murder you so hard right here. 144 00:06:59,169 --> 00:07:02,629 -Mrs. Twat! -Go to hell! 145 00:07:03,841 --> 00:07:07,431 A lot of birds flying around this place tonight. 146 00:07:07,511 --> 00:07:10,011 Kind of makes me wish I brought my binoculars. 147 00:07:11,098 --> 00:07:12,308 Dang. 148 00:07:21,233 --> 00:07:22,153 Paige. 149 00:07:22,234 --> 00:07:26,034 -I thought I smelled burning sulfur. -I followed the slime trail to your seat. 150 00:07:26,113 --> 00:07:29,243 Would you like to make a statement for the paper about your brush with death? 151 00:07:29,324 --> 00:07:32,544 Speaking of brushes, your hair looks like a merkin from a giant. 152 00:07:32,619 --> 00:07:36,079 There's the sharp wit I've come to expect from a novella writer. 153 00:07:38,000 --> 00:07:38,960 Ges-cunt-heidt. 154 00:07:40,544 --> 00:07:43,134 -Any details? -Yes. One detail: 155 00:07:43,213 --> 00:07:47,013 Fine, if you won't spill the beans, I will have to get my information el-- 156 00:07:48,302 --> 00:07:50,552 Excuse me. 157 00:07:50,637 --> 00:07:53,177 I guess I'm allergic to bullshit. 158 00:07:53,265 --> 00:07:54,425 That was a good one. 159 00:07:57,102 --> 00:07:58,022 Hello. 160 00:07:58,103 --> 00:08:00,693 Jerry, thank the Lord. 161 00:08:00,772 --> 00:08:02,362 So sorry that I kept you waiting. 162 00:08:02,441 --> 00:08:05,861 Oh, this is such a parade of dingdongs in here tonight. 163 00:08:05,944 --> 00:08:08,574 I will get a virgin margarita with a shot of tequila. 164 00:08:08,655 --> 00:08:09,615 So a margarita? 165 00:08:10,782 --> 00:08:12,372 Yes. Abigail. 166 00:08:12,451 --> 00:08:15,791 Morty Bundt, the publishing house, is gonna ask for the advance back 167 00:08:15,871 --> 00:08:18,171 if you don't finish the new book soon. 168 00:08:18,248 --> 00:08:20,578 Jerry, have I ever missed a deadline? 169 00:08:20,667 --> 00:08:23,297 -All the time. -Oh, fair. 170 00:08:23,378 --> 00:08:24,508 Here is your drink, sir. 171 00:08:25,714 --> 00:08:27,224 Goddammit! 172 00:08:27,299 --> 00:08:30,299 This sweater was a Valentine's gift from my uncle's only sister! 173 00:08:30,385 --> 00:08:32,505 -So your mom? -Oh, shut up. 174 00:08:34,306 --> 00:08:35,426 Oh, that's bleach. 175 00:08:38,352 --> 00:08:39,312 Perfect. 176 00:08:39,394 --> 00:08:41,694 -I gotta change. -Oh, Jerry, I'm sorry. 177 00:08:41,772 --> 00:08:43,152 Oh, poor Jerry. 178 00:08:43,232 --> 00:08:45,192 I feel like I've stressed out my agent so much 179 00:08:45,275 --> 00:08:49,445 and he's such a support with my career as an author. 180 00:08:49,530 --> 00:08:51,370 Hey, that's not meant for you. 181 00:08:51,448 --> 00:08:53,198 I cut you off. 182 00:08:55,911 --> 00:08:57,621 You can't cut me off. 183 00:09:08,257 --> 00:09:10,337 Death by salty nipple!