1
00:00:00,417 --> 00:00:02,207
Hey, that's not meant for you!

2
00:00:02,294 --> 00:00:05,884
-[SUSPENSFUL MUSIC PLAYING]
-[STOMACH GURGLING]

3
00:00:06,089 --> 00:00:08,259
-[GROANS]
-[GASPS]

4
00:00:08,342 --> 00:00:11,392
-[CUSTOMERS GASP]
-That's my salty nipple!

5
00:00:11,470 --> 00:00:14,470
ABIGAIL: Suspect number one, Mrs. Twatt.

6
00:00:14,556 --> 00:00:15,466
Pumpkin shooter.

7
00:00:15,557 --> 00:00:17,767
Precisely. What do we know about her,

8
00:00:17,851 --> 00:00:20,981
besides the fact
that she's balls deep in menopause?

9
00:00:21,063 --> 00:00:23,403
She's not psyched
that you helped put her son in prison.

10
00:00:23,482 --> 00:00:26,282
Correct.
And when she flipped a flamingo on me,

11
00:00:26,360 --> 00:00:31,740
I noticed she was wearing the same
orange nail color that was on those books.

12
00:00:31,823 --> 00:00:34,543
-Dink Choadler.
-Seemed so nice.

13
00:00:34,618 --> 00:00:36,408
There are some nice murderers.

14
00:00:36,495 --> 00:00:38,825
But he said he owned all my books.

15
00:00:38,914 --> 00:00:41,464
-Like the books found in the trunk.
-ABIGAIL: Exactly.

16
00:00:41,542 --> 00:00:43,962
He also yelled out,
"That wasn't meant for you,"

17
00:00:44,044 --> 00:00:46,844
when Dink saw the drunk drink my drink.

18
00:00:46,922 --> 00:00:48,472
Say that five fimes tast.

19
00:00:48,549 --> 00:00:49,799
Doggamnit!

20
00:00:49,883 --> 00:00:51,933
I mean, gab blam it!

21
00:00:52,010 --> 00:00:55,510
Also, it's like he meant
for only you to drink it.

22
00:00:58,433 --> 00:01:00,353
Plus, he made the drink.

23
00:01:02,229 --> 00:01:04,059
Thank you, Gilbert.

24
00:01:04,147 --> 00:01:05,897
Thank you, Jesus, for fun and friends.

25
00:01:05,983 --> 00:01:09,993
And last but least,
this dick, Paige Wellingtont.

26
00:01:10,070 --> 00:01:11,660
She was sneezing like crazy,

27
00:01:11,738 --> 00:01:16,738
which would explain why there were so many
tissues in the front seat of that car.

28
00:01:16,827 --> 00:01:17,737
Look at this mess.

29
00:01:17,828 --> 00:01:22,328
A steaming hot pile of crow shit
all over my suspect board here.

30
00:01:22,416 --> 00:01:26,666
It's a mess. Ironically,
I have my own same three suspects.

31
00:01:26,753 --> 00:01:27,803
Really?

32
00:01:27,880 --> 00:01:30,630
HEIDI: That's a grocery list.

33
00:01:30,716 --> 00:01:31,926
"Two dozen eggs."

34
00:01:32,009 --> 00:01:34,429
That's for Dink there,
because he makes me the rocky smoothie

35
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every morning with the two egg yolks.

36
00:01:36,054 --> 00:01:37,814
Who's "Two big grapefruits"?

37
00:01:37,890 --> 00:01:41,100
That would be Mrs. Twatt there because
you have two big grapefruits on her chest.

38
00:01:41,185 --> 00:01:43,555
And my nickname for Mrs. Wellingtont
is Hemorrhoids.

39
00:01:43,645 --> 00:01:44,805
She's a pain in my ass!

40
00:01:44,897 --> 00:01:47,687
Should I bring all three of them in
for questioning, sir?

41
00:01:47,774 --> 00:01:49,444
Let me get my balls together first,
Gilbert.

42
00:01:49,526 --> 00:01:52,146
I was gonna say that, but you're
talking over me in front of people.

43
00:01:52,237 --> 00:01:54,697
I wish I could make a time machine
and go back five seconds

44
00:01:54,781 --> 00:01:56,951
so I can say what I was gonna say
the first time.

45
00:01:57,034 --> 00:01:59,704
It's funny that you're always about to
tell someone to do something

46
00:01:59,786 --> 00:02:01,996
after they've already said
they're going to do it.

47
00:02:02,080 --> 00:02:05,960
Honestly, I wasn't listening to you
at all, but I do sense a tone in the room.

48
00:02:06,043 --> 00:02:09,253
Well, I think that
my aunt's probably just a bit on edge

49
00:02:09,338 --> 00:02:13,218
after almost being killed twice.

50
00:02:13,300 --> 00:02:17,180
Yeah. Why don't you go home and relax?

51
00:02:17,262 --> 00:02:21,602
Fine, but just tell me what those three
say when you interview them.

52
00:02:21,683 --> 00:02:25,103
Wait a minute now. No one's privy to that
except Gilbert and myself.

53
00:02:25,187 --> 00:02:26,897
This is an ongoing investigation.

54
00:02:26,980 --> 00:02:28,270
So stay out of it, Mapleworth.

55
00:02:28,774 --> 00:02:33,324
Ugh. Why would I try to poison Abigail?

56
00:02:33,403 --> 00:02:34,243
We're friends.

57
00:02:34,321 --> 00:02:38,081
Everything you ever written about her
says different.

58
00:02:38,158 --> 00:02:41,408
"Shitty writer solves murder."
"Abigail Windbag writes a dumb novella."

59
00:02:41,495 --> 00:02:45,325
"Mystery solved.
Mrs. Mapleworth was the farter."

60
00:02:46,500 --> 00:02:48,380
One more question.

61
00:02:48,460 --> 00:02:53,670
Why are you such a boring waste of space?

62
00:02:57,386 --> 00:02:59,006
[WHISPERS]
And also, she's a piece of shit.

63
00:02:59,096 --> 00:03:00,676
-Woman!
-[YELLS]

64
00:03:01,265 --> 00:03:06,265
Okay. Our job is to talk to the suspect
till the suspect fucks up.

65
00:03:06,353 --> 00:03:07,273
So here's the question.

66
00:03:07,354 --> 00:03:11,024
When you made Mrs. Mapleworth's drink,
did you add poison?

67
00:03:11,108 --> 00:03:12,358
-Yes.
-See?

68
00:03:12,442 --> 00:03:15,072
-Wait. Did you say vermouth?
-No. I said poison.

69
00:03:15,153 --> 00:03:16,743
Oops. Then no.

70
00:03:16,822 --> 00:03:18,702
I call all booze poison,

71
00:03:18,782 --> 00:03:22,122
so when someone sits down,
I can say, "Name your poison."

72
00:03:22,202 --> 00:03:23,542
Because it sounds nifty.

73
00:03:24,830 --> 00:03:27,580
Okay, we got a few questions for you,
Mrs. Twatt.

74
00:03:27,666 --> 00:03:29,286
That's no longer my name, thank God.

75
00:03:29,376 --> 00:03:32,206
I remarried. Please call me Mrs. Minge.

76
00:03:32,296 --> 00:03:36,176
Mrs. Virginia Twatt-Minge.

77
00:03:36,258 --> 00:03:39,088
ABIGAIL: See, me and Gilbert here,
we're the police.

78
00:03:39,178 --> 00:03:40,798
You better be careful how you answer this.

79
00:03:40,888 --> 00:03:44,728
Did you put poison
in Mrs. Mapleworth's drink?

80
00:03:44,808 --> 00:03:47,308
Answer the doggang question...

81
00:03:47,394 --> 00:03:49,944
Oh! Answer the gall dang question...

82
00:03:50,022 --> 00:03:53,032
Not today, Pilts, not today.

83
00:03:53,108 --> 00:03:54,068
What the hell?

84
00:03:54,902 --> 00:03:58,412
[QUIRKY MUSIC PLAYING]

85
00:04:14,379 --> 00:04:15,549
Get the fuck out of here!

86
00:04:15,631 --> 00:04:20,181
Did you try to run over Mrs. Mapleworth
with your car?

87
00:04:20,260 --> 00:04:23,310
How could I?
I was reviewing the Pitch 22 concert.

88
00:04:23,388 --> 00:04:26,978
I sat right next to Mrs. Mapleworth's
niece and her two weird friends.

89
00:04:27,059 --> 00:04:29,349
It wasn't me. I was at my whiskey club,

90
00:04:29,436 --> 00:04:32,266
where we drink whiskey
and hit things with clubs.

91
00:04:33,273 --> 00:04:36,443
How can I possibly have tried to run
Mrs. Mapleworth over

92
00:04:36,527 --> 00:04:39,237
if I don't know how to drive
a ding-dang car?

93
00:04:39,321 --> 00:04:40,781
Prove it!

94
00:04:40,864 --> 00:04:43,914
[TENSE MUSIC PLAYING]

95
00:04:43,992 --> 00:04:45,952
-They're all innocent!
-[GILBERT SCREAMS]

96
00:04:46,036 --> 00:04:50,416
Oh! Gilbert! You gotta give me a heads-up
if it's gonna be a shit-in-the-pants day.

97
00:04:51,416 --> 00:04:54,956
It has been a stressful day, Aunt Abigail.

98
00:04:55,045 --> 00:04:57,335
We really need to regroup.

99
00:04:57,422 --> 00:04:58,922
Can I just, like, help you?

100
00:04:59,007 --> 00:05:00,837
You don't need to coddle me, Heidi.

101
00:05:00,926 --> 00:05:04,636
I'm not a little baby kitten
looking for her mama's teat.

102
00:05:04,721 --> 00:05:06,561
Although I love those videos with...

103
00:05:08,100 --> 00:05:08,980
Oh, I love it.

104
00:05:09,059 --> 00:05:12,099
Well, it's time someone looked after you
for a change.

105
00:05:12,187 --> 00:05:14,517
So you relax.

106
00:05:14,606 --> 00:05:17,436
Let's put on one of your house dresses.

107
00:05:18,569 --> 00:05:19,569
[YELLS]

108
00:05:19,653 --> 00:05:21,203
Aunt Abigail?

109
00:05:21,280 --> 00:05:24,070
Why do you have so many of these?

110
00:05:24,157 --> 00:05:25,657
What, my neck massagers?

111
00:05:25,742 --> 00:05:28,542
Don't tell me you don't get
a stiff neck sometimes.

112
00:05:28,620 --> 00:05:30,370
All modern women do.

113
00:05:30,455 --> 00:05:32,825
That's my favorite.
That's the purple princess.

114
00:05:32,916 --> 00:05:34,836
It has 40 settings.

115
00:05:35,502 --> 00:05:36,962
This one's pretty cool.

116
00:05:37,045 --> 00:05:39,165
-Like steam punk. You junk.
-[BEEPING]

117
00:05:41,133 --> 00:05:44,143
-I've never seen that before in my life.
-[BEEPING CONTINUES]

118
00:05:45,429 --> 00:05:47,469
-[BEEPING INTENSIFIES]
-[YELLS]

119
00:05:47,764 --> 00:05:50,144
-[EXPLOSION]
-[GASPS]

120
00:05:50,225 --> 00:05:52,345
ABIGAIL: That could've killed both of us.

121
00:05:54,438 --> 00:05:57,608
Looks like the dynamite set off
my neck massagers.

122
00:05:57,691 --> 00:06:01,031
The giant one
is probably leading the pack.

123
00:06:03,322 --> 00:06:05,572
Ah! Well, on the bright side,

124
00:06:05,657 --> 00:06:08,287
there's gonna be a happy pussy tonight
in this house.

125
00:06:08,368 --> 00:06:09,198
I'm sorry?

126
00:06:10,204 --> 00:06:13,004
\Buttercrunch, I found your sparkle balls.

127
00:06:13,081 --> 00:06:15,881
[SUSPENSFUL MUSIC PLAYING]

128
00:06:19,838 --> 00:06:22,548
So how many neck massagers
were in the dresser?

129
00:06:22,633 --> 00:06:25,803
Don't worry about it, Gilbert.
To the board.

130
00:06:25,886 --> 00:06:28,506
[QUIRKY MUSIC PLAYING]

131
00:06:28,597 --> 00:06:29,967
Hmm.

132
00:06:31,058 --> 00:06:32,478
Hmm.

133
00:06:33,060 --> 00:06:34,140
Or...

134
00:06:35,312 --> 00:06:37,022
Hmm. Oh!

135
00:06:38,190 --> 00:06:39,480
Mmm.

136
00:06:40,651 --> 00:06:43,201
What if there's more than one murderer?

137
00:06:43,278 --> 00:06:45,738
-You know, I've been thinking...
-Can it, Gilbert.

138
00:06:45,822 --> 00:06:49,282
You're just coming up with theories
to come up with theories.

139
00:06:50,744 --> 00:06:52,504
I'm sorry, Gilbert.

140
00:06:52,579 --> 00:06:54,789
I'm so discombobulated.

141
00:06:54,873 --> 00:06:59,883
I'm very relaxed around murder,
but this one is different.

142
00:06:59,962 --> 00:07:03,262
With all these close calls,
I've realized...

143
00:07:03,340 --> 00:07:05,840
that I could lose my wonderful life,

144
00:07:05,926 --> 00:07:09,426
with my wonderful friends and family,
at any time.

145
00:07:09,513 --> 00:07:12,893
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]

146
00:07:13,100 --> 00:07:17,440
I was gonna give you this gift card
to the spa for Sweetest Day, but...

147
00:07:17,521 --> 00:07:19,061
I think you could use it now.

148
00:07:26,864 --> 00:07:31,244
You know, Aunt Abigail,
maybe some relaxation can really help.

149
00:07:31,326 --> 00:07:33,246
Maybe a little cucumber water

150
00:07:33,328 --> 00:07:37,328
and a long overdue bikini wax
will clear my head

151
00:07:37,416 --> 00:07:39,666
and help me solve this stumper.

152
00:07:41,712 --> 00:07:42,842
Thank you, Gilbert.

153
00:07:47,634 --> 00:07:50,054
[RELAXING MUSIC PLAYING]

154
00:07:51,722 --> 00:07:53,562
[SIGHS]

155
00:08:06,320 --> 00:08:11,330
[SUSPENSFUL MUSIC PLAYING]

156
00:08:16,038 --> 00:08:17,038
Whoo!

157
00:08:17,664 --> 00:08:18,834
It's warm.

158
00:08:22,586 --> 00:08:23,746
It's very warm.

159
00:08:23,837 --> 00:08:25,167
Uh-uh.

160
00:08:28,592 --> 00:08:29,762
Oh!

161
00:08:32,012 --> 00:08:34,312
[SUSPENSFUL MUSIC PLAYING]

162
00:08:36,850 --> 00:08:38,020
Help!

163
00:08:38,101 --> 00:08:41,311
[SUSPENSFUL MUSIC PLAYING]