1 00:00:00,209 --> 00:00:01,339 Help! 2 00:00:01,418 --> 00:00:03,708 [DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING] 3 00:00:06,256 --> 00:00:10,386 Ow! That hurts like a motherfucker! 4 00:00:10,469 --> 00:00:12,349 Ow! 5 00:00:12,429 --> 00:00:14,139 Possum tits, that hurts! 6 00:00:19,895 --> 00:00:21,265 [SIGHING] 7 00:00:26,944 --> 00:00:28,704 GILBERT: Abigail. 8 00:00:28,779 --> 00:00:30,449 Oh, no! 9 00:00:30,531 --> 00:00:31,951 Abigail. 10 00:00:33,200 --> 00:00:34,200 Uh... 11 00:00:35,577 --> 00:00:36,947 Oh, that's not right. Uh... 12 00:00:39,122 --> 00:00:40,712 -Ah! -Oh. 13 00:00:40,791 --> 00:00:42,041 Ah! Monster! 14 00:00:42,125 --> 00:00:43,785 Abigail, it's me, it's Gilbert! 15 00:00:43,877 --> 00:00:45,167 What? Who? 16 00:00:45,254 --> 00:00:47,464 Gilbert, your, um, husband. 17 00:00:47,548 --> 00:00:49,508 Who you loved before the amnesia. 18 00:00:49,591 --> 00:00:50,971 Nice try, Gilbert. 19 00:00:51,051 --> 00:00:52,261 What are you doing here? 20 00:00:52,344 --> 00:00:56,184 Well, I like a little self-care too, but, uh, I saw your pubic message 21 00:00:56,265 --> 00:00:57,845 and I wanted to make sure you were safe. 22 00:00:57,933 --> 00:01:00,103 That's very kind, but you smell like sushi 23 00:01:00,185 --> 00:01:01,895 that's been sprayed with men's cologne. 24 00:01:01,979 --> 00:01:03,189 Well, what happened here? 25 00:01:03,272 --> 00:01:06,232 Well, I was taking a nice sauna, 26 00:01:06,316 --> 00:01:09,356 and someone locked me in there and turned up the heat. 27 00:01:09,444 --> 00:01:10,784 [ABIGAIL COUGHS] 28 00:01:10,863 --> 00:01:11,823 It was more terrifying 29 00:01:11,905 --> 00:01:14,825 than that solstice vaginal steam I had earlier. 30 00:01:14,908 --> 00:01:16,198 Hey, I got that one too. 31 00:01:17,536 --> 00:01:20,706 [LIGHTHEARTED MUSIC PLAYING] 32 00:01:20,789 --> 00:01:21,829 Ding-dong. 33 00:01:25,002 --> 00:01:28,052 I don't like just laying here and doing nothing! 34 00:01:28,130 --> 00:01:31,220 I feel as useless as a penis at the Lilith Fair! 35 00:01:31,300 --> 00:01:34,430 Aunt Abigail, I know you're a real tough bitch. 36 00:01:34,511 --> 00:01:36,511 But you have to let me help you. 37 00:01:36,597 --> 00:01:38,557 So let me help you! 38 00:01:38,640 --> 00:01:40,270 Listen to your niece. 39 00:01:40,350 --> 00:01:42,350 Jerry, what are you doing in my bedroom? 40 00:01:42,436 --> 00:01:43,476 [ABIGAIL CHUCKLES] 41 00:01:43,562 --> 00:01:45,152 Did you just let yourself in? 42 00:01:45,230 --> 00:01:47,190 I don't mean to intrude, but I took the liberty 43 00:01:47,274 --> 00:01:50,154 of hiring you a bodyguard for the next few weeks. 44 00:01:50,235 --> 00:01:53,605 I can't have you dying before you finish your next novel. 45 00:01:53,697 --> 00:01:55,947 You got a really weird sense of humor. 46 00:01:56,033 --> 00:01:58,493 I am trying to lighten the mood and make you feel safer. 47 00:01:58,577 --> 00:02:03,077 This is your bodyguard whose name is... 48 00:02:03,165 --> 00:02:04,875 -Yoda. -Yoda. 49 00:02:04,958 --> 00:02:07,998 Wait, that-- That can't be right. 50 00:02:08,086 --> 00:02:09,416 You're named after Yoda? 51 00:02:09,505 --> 00:02:11,125 Jedi master Yoda? 52 00:02:11,215 --> 00:02:14,295 Resident of Dagobah? Original seat on the-- 53 00:02:14,384 --> 00:02:18,104 My parents named me Yoda way before those stupid movies! 54 00:02:18,180 --> 00:02:20,850 Everything was fine and then Empire Strikes Back comes out 55 00:02:20,933 --> 00:02:23,983 and Yoda's the name of a weird, little monster. 56 00:02:24,061 --> 00:02:25,441 JERRY: Okay, well, uh... 57 00:02:25,521 --> 00:02:29,651 Yoda will be at your front door all night so that you can finally get some sleep. 58 00:02:29,733 --> 00:02:31,193 Nah, we don't need him. 59 00:02:31,276 --> 00:02:35,656 I'm actually incredibly strong and can really fuck someone up. 60 00:02:35,739 --> 00:02:36,909 Bring it. 61 00:02:36,990 --> 00:02:38,080 It's all right, Heidi. 62 00:02:38,158 --> 00:02:41,408 I'm too tired to argue tonight. Let the men be men. 63 00:02:41,495 --> 00:02:43,115 -Well, then it's settled. HEIDI: All right. 64 00:02:43,205 --> 00:02:45,415 Everyone, get out. My aunt needs some beauty sleep. 65 00:02:45,499 --> 00:02:48,919 Beauty sleep? You could not get any more beautiful. 66 00:02:49,002 --> 00:02:52,762 No need to butter me up like a hunk of hot sourdough, Jerry. 67 00:02:52,840 --> 00:02:55,220 Abigail, your skin looks amazing. 68 00:02:55,300 --> 00:02:57,850 That mud mask did wonders. 69 00:02:58,887 --> 00:03:00,057 HEIDI: Shoo. 70 00:03:00,138 --> 00:03:01,178 Aunt Abigail? 71 00:03:01,265 --> 00:03:04,135 I'm gonna sleep in the dogs' room tonight 72 00:03:04,226 --> 00:03:05,726 so that you can rest. 73 00:03:05,811 --> 00:03:06,651 All right. 74 00:03:06,728 --> 00:03:08,558 Now get some sleep. 75 00:03:11,108 --> 00:03:12,228 [DOOR CLOSES] 76 00:03:13,235 --> 00:03:15,235 [SNORING] 77 00:03:21,785 --> 00:03:24,785 [OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING] 78 00:03:26,123 --> 00:03:27,543 [CREAKING] 79 00:03:34,756 --> 00:03:36,046 [CHUCKLES] 80 00:03:36,925 --> 00:03:39,885 Ah, yeah. Oh, I... 81 00:03:39,970 --> 00:03:42,760 [GRUNTING] 82 00:03:44,975 --> 00:03:46,015 Yoda. 83 00:03:47,436 --> 00:03:49,556 To jail you are going. 84 00:03:49,646 --> 00:03:52,566 -Why'd you say it like that? -That's how Yoda speaks in Star Wars. 85 00:03:52,649 --> 00:03:54,939 Never saw it, but let me try. 86 00:03:55,027 --> 00:03:56,197 [YODA EXHALES] 87 00:03:56,278 --> 00:04:01,408 [IN DEEP VOICE] Abigail, I am your killer. 88 00:04:01,491 --> 00:04:05,291 You sure you've not seen the films? Because that sounds like Darth Vader. 89 00:04:05,370 --> 00:04:07,410 [IN NORMAL VOICE] Don't talk about my little brother! 90 00:04:07,497 --> 00:04:12,707 Time to say goodnight forever, Mrs. Mapleworth. 91 00:04:12,794 --> 00:04:14,304 Think, Abigail. 92 00:04:15,339 --> 00:04:17,879 How would you write yourself out of this one? 93 00:04:17,966 --> 00:04:20,966 [DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING] 94 00:04:21,178 --> 00:04:25,178 Mrs. Mapleworth froze as her nemesis moved towards her 95 00:04:25,265 --> 00:04:27,055 in all his hunkiness. 96 00:04:27,142 --> 00:04:30,312 She was reminded of a recent self-defense class she attended, 97 00:04:30,395 --> 00:04:32,805 taught by a handsome woman named Dallas, 98 00:04:32,898 --> 00:04:37,528 who had arms of steel and fingers like feathers. 99 00:04:37,611 --> 00:04:39,111 Hyah! 100 00:04:41,949 --> 00:04:42,949 [GRUNTS] 101 00:04:43,033 --> 00:04:45,203 You're a force of nature, Mapleworth! 102 00:04:45,285 --> 00:04:46,495 Are you dating anyone? 103 00:04:46,578 --> 00:04:49,788 Namaste on the floor, dipshit. 104 00:04:49,873 --> 00:04:51,003 [GONG SOUNDS] 105 00:04:51,083 --> 00:04:53,043 Mrs. Mapleworth. 106 00:04:53,126 --> 00:04:54,126 Ha! 107 00:04:54,211 --> 00:04:55,881 And this! 108 00:04:55,963 --> 00:04:57,973 And another one of these, and... 109 00:04:58,048 --> 00:04:59,678 [GRUNTS] 110 00:04:59,758 --> 00:05:03,508 And we have a double elbow to the testiculars. 111 00:05:05,055 --> 00:05:07,265 Get your ass out of my face! 112 00:05:07,349 --> 00:05:08,559 [ABIGAIL YELLS] 113 00:05:09,726 --> 00:05:12,646 [MUFFLED] Don't move! Don't move a muscle. 114 00:05:12,729 --> 00:05:15,019 -What? -I got flustered. 115 00:05:15,107 --> 00:05:18,317 Aunt Abigail, are you okay? 116 00:05:18,402 --> 00:05:19,572 I'm peachy. 117 00:05:19,653 --> 00:05:21,363 You are going to jail. 118 00:05:21,446 --> 00:05:22,816 For attempted murder. 119 00:05:22,906 --> 00:05:24,986 What's your name? What's your name?! 120 00:05:25,075 --> 00:05:26,985 -His name's Yoda. BILLS: Yoda? 121 00:05:27,077 --> 00:05:28,827 As in pointy-ear Chihuahua Yoda? 122 00:05:28,912 --> 00:05:30,462 It's a pretty stupid name. 123 00:05:30,539 --> 00:05:32,459 Pewntz! Cuff him! 124 00:05:32,541 --> 00:05:34,211 He's not here. 125 00:05:34,293 --> 00:05:35,173 [SOFTLY] He's not here. 126 00:05:35,252 --> 00:05:37,302 Hold this, hold this, hold this. 127 00:05:37,379 --> 00:05:38,509 Mm-hm. 128 00:05:39,047 --> 00:05:42,717 Yeah, have that smirk on your face when you get in that bunk 129 00:05:42,801 --> 00:05:45,681 with your cellmate who likes to spoon. 130 00:05:47,264 --> 00:05:49,394 Hey, where'd you get these from, Toys "R" Us? 131 00:05:49,474 --> 00:05:52,604 Shut up. So we finally found the murderer. 132 00:05:52,686 --> 00:05:53,556 ABIGAIL: No, Bills. 133 00:05:53,645 --> 00:05:56,725 -Yoda is simply a paid assassin. -Assassin! 134 00:05:56,815 --> 00:05:58,685 All the black outfit, I knew it! 135 00:05:58,775 --> 00:06:00,735 Same thing happens in all the James Bond movies. 136 00:06:00,819 --> 00:06:01,859 Dude always wears black. 137 00:06:01,945 --> 00:06:04,195 -He is not the murderer. -Not the murderer! 138 00:06:04,281 --> 00:06:06,781 I was gonna say that until you stole my words. 139 00:06:06,867 --> 00:06:11,287 But now, I know who the real murderer is. 140 00:06:11,371 --> 00:06:12,331 Don't worry, Morty. 141 00:06:12,414 --> 00:06:14,214 Even though Mrs. Mapleworth is unable 142 00:06:14,291 --> 00:06:17,291 to finish her new novel because she's dead, 143 00:06:17,377 --> 00:06:21,917 I have something I think you're gonna like a lot more. 144 00:06:22,925 --> 00:06:24,425 Hello, Jerry. 145 00:06:24,510 --> 00:06:25,890 [STAMMERING] Abigail. 146 00:06:25,969 --> 00:06:28,389 You're alive! I mean, you're not dead. 147 00:06:28,472 --> 00:06:30,562 I mean, you're alive. Damn it! 148 00:06:30,641 --> 00:06:31,981 -What's this, Jerry? -No, nothing! 149 00:06:32,059 --> 00:06:33,729 Oh, you thought with me out of the way, 150 00:06:33,810 --> 00:06:35,900 you could sell Morty some of your own writing? 151 00:06:35,979 --> 00:06:38,649 No! No, I mean, I wrote it. It's my first novel. 152 00:06:38,732 --> 00:06:40,902 But it's pretty good if you ask me. 153 00:06:40,984 --> 00:06:42,154 "Something incredible happened 154 00:06:42,236 --> 00:06:45,696 and I'm going to tell you the whole entire story right here." 155 00:06:45,781 --> 00:06:48,911 That's terrible writing, it's really shit. 156 00:06:48,992 --> 00:06:50,792 And what is this trash font? 157 00:06:50,869 --> 00:06:52,829 Comic Sans Any Talent? 158 00:06:52,913 --> 00:06:55,423 Fine, I get it. Sprinks stinks. 159 00:06:55,499 --> 00:06:57,919 Call me crazy, but I wouldn't mind reading that. 160 00:06:58,001 --> 00:06:59,381 ABIGAIL: Shame on you, Jerry! 161 00:06:59,461 --> 00:07:02,841 Trying to get me out of the way in order to further your own career? 162 00:07:02,923 --> 00:07:04,343 I would never in-- 163 00:07:04,424 --> 00:07:06,724 You would and you did! Take him away! 164 00:07:06,802 --> 00:07:10,392 Oh, thank God, for once we're gonna get a long, drawn-out Maple log. 165 00:07:10,472 --> 00:07:13,982 But how did you know it was him? Please explain it to us in detail. 166 00:07:14,059 --> 00:07:16,099 You stupid asshole! 167 00:07:16,186 --> 00:07:21,226 Well, I was initially suspicious of Jerry when he complimented my skin. 168 00:07:21,316 --> 00:07:25,316 There were only three people who knew that I had a mud mask on at that spa. 169 00:07:25,404 --> 00:07:29,624 Myself, Gilbert and the person that locked me into the sauna. 170 00:07:29,700 --> 00:07:30,780 This is ridiculous. 171 00:07:30,868 --> 00:07:35,368 And he's my agent, that's why all the books were in the car's trunk. 172 00:07:35,455 --> 00:07:36,915 What about the orange nail polish? 173 00:07:36,999 --> 00:07:38,829 It wasn't orange nail polish at all. 174 00:07:38,917 --> 00:07:40,877 It was orange-colored pencil. 175 00:07:40,961 --> 00:07:42,461 The same pencil he uses 176 00:07:42,546 --> 00:07:44,126 to edit all my books. 177 00:07:44,214 --> 00:07:47,844 And also to do his color-by-number paintings in his office. 178 00:07:47,926 --> 00:07:49,596 What about the tissues? 179 00:07:49,678 --> 00:07:51,848 Clearly, he has an insatiable masturbation habit. 180 00:07:51,930 --> 00:07:54,060 He likes to pop his Perignon. 181 00:07:54,141 --> 00:07:55,731 That is a disgusting lie. 182 00:07:55,809 --> 00:07:57,689 I shove tissues down the front of my pants 183 00:07:57,769 --> 00:08:00,809 to create a bigger pelvic topography. 184 00:08:00,898 --> 00:08:03,318 That's not better. 185 00:08:03,400 --> 00:08:06,400 Okay, fine, you know what? Yes, I tried to kill you. 186 00:08:06,486 --> 00:08:07,816 I'm sorry. 187 00:08:07,905 --> 00:08:10,065 I loved watching you fly at first, 188 00:08:10,157 --> 00:08:13,037 but then I wanted to be the one with wings. 189 00:08:13,118 --> 00:08:15,368 I guess I should have told you a long time ago. 190 00:08:15,454 --> 00:08:18,254 Jerry, if you told me a long time ago, I would have fired you. 191 00:08:18,332 --> 00:08:20,502 I don't want to mentor anyone. 192 00:08:22,002 --> 00:08:24,802 Well, of course, besides my niece, Heidi. 193 00:08:24,880 --> 00:08:27,170 I think we actually mentor each other, don't we? 194 00:08:28,717 --> 00:08:30,507 -Okay. BILLS: Gilbert, cuff him. 195 00:08:30,594 --> 00:08:32,934 This is the hardest part of my job. 196 00:08:33,013 --> 00:08:36,183 Because I'm not good at these. I'm not really good at putting this-- Ow. 197 00:08:36,266 --> 00:08:37,476 JERRY: You okay? -Yeah, I'm all right. 198 00:08:37,559 --> 00:08:38,889 -Watch your thumb this time. -Okay. 199 00:08:38,977 --> 00:08:40,807 -There we go. -Is that too tight? 200 00:08:40,896 --> 00:08:42,606 -No, that's fine. -All right. 201 00:08:42,689 --> 00:08:44,609 I want to thank all of you. 202 00:08:44,691 --> 00:08:46,151 Minus Jerry. 203 00:08:46,235 --> 00:08:49,235 Heidi, thank you for saving me from the dildo stick of dynamite. 204 00:08:49,321 --> 00:08:52,371 Chief Bills, thank you for saving me from Yoda. 205 00:08:52,449 --> 00:08:54,869 And, Gilbert, thank you for rescuing me 206 00:08:54,952 --> 00:08:57,912 from Crock-Potting it in the sauna. 207 00:08:57,996 --> 00:09:02,246 Well, I guess there's just one last mystery for me to solve. 208 00:09:02,334 --> 00:09:05,214 I can't find my favorite neck massager... 209 00:09:05,295 --> 00:09:07,045 Purple Princess. 210 00:09:08,549 --> 00:09:11,549 [LIGHTHEARTED MUSIC PLAYING]