[PERSON SNORING]
[GASPS] We fell asleep! We fell asleep!
You were supposed to leave!
[MUFFLED] I couldn't let you sleep out here alone.
- What? - Mm.
I couldn't let you sleep out here alone.
Oh.
But seriously, if my mom sees you she'll explode.
Your mom loves me.
Yeah, but if she knows that we used our family tent as a marital bed,
she might reconsider.
And if she knew... then she'd tell my mom.
Yeah.
Sterling, I have to go.
- I have to go. - Yeah.
Don't forget your mouth guard.
Oh.
- And your phone. - Oh.
And don't forget your hat.
And your guitar.
- I love you. - I love you, too.
[THEME MUSIC]
[VOCALIZING]
- Good morning. - Hi, Sterl.
Oh, I'm sorry, do I know you? You look like my drunk daughter.
Mom, please let me back inside.
It was one stupid night, okay.
People have stupid nights.
"People" are not my daughter, Sterling Wesley.
You have my name and you thought nothing of dragging it through the mud.
Every member of my book club
has called to check on you.
Oh, God, Book Club tomorrow is gonna be hell, pardon my French.
You have friends that follow your teenage daughter on Instagram?
I'd be more concerned about that.
But of course, you know best.
- Mom... - Mm-hm.
You're right, I should have been more responsible.
I'm really sorry.
An apology is not going to fix it, Sterling.
Just like you thought an apology would cut it with your father's truck.
But Blair did that, too! And we're halfway to paying you back.
Uh, Mom, I've learned my lesson, please trust me.
Your father and I will determine
when you have truly learned the error of your ways.
Dad's off hunting. How's he gonna see that I've learned?
I don't know, dear. How are you going to convince your mother
and everyone she's ever known that you did not grow up
on the set of a Spring Break video, hm?
[STERLING SIGHS]
Mom.
Um...
Did you hear that?
You're so different from any girl I've dated.
All... All two of 'em.
How so?
And I'm gonna need those names and Instagram handles.
Ever since I first saw you at the Country Club,
you just put out this crazy confidence.
You're super down-to-earth,
just comfortable with who you are.
It's mad sexy.
[CHUCKLES]
You're mad sexy.
[SIGHS] I miss you.
Living 22 minutes away is basically like living in another state.
Oh, for real, though!
It's like some Romeo and Juliet type shit.
[CHUCKLES]
Okay, baby, I gotta go to work.
All right, baby. Text me.
Okay, bye.
[CELL PHONE CLICKS OFF]
Knock knock, vagrant sister.
Did you bring my deodorant?
Oh, yeah. You were almost out and I was almost out,
so I smushed the two together.
Powder Fresh meets Spring Breeze.
[CELL PHONE BLEEPS]
[CHUCKLES]
Is Miles texting you dog memes again?
Yeah.
Life is funny, Sterl.
You know, one day you're a single woman
fueled by the lyrics of old Tori Amos songs,
and the next, you're a part of someone.
I'm not an island anymore.
I'm a pair of islands.
So, you're an archipelago?
Seriously, dude, if I may gush for a second...
Miles gets me.
That's what you said about Jennings.
Yeah, but I was a different person back then,
- young and naive... - That was two weeks ago.
Miles gets me way more.
I should have known to look at guys from other schools.
He's almost more of an outsider than I am.
He likes super weird music,
he DJs, he goes to public school.
So, he's an outsider because he goes to public school?
To me, yes.
Plus, Miles is, like, the salt of the earth.
Earning the money for his car.
You know, nothing has been handed to him.
His mom works two jobs.
I work two jobs and I live in a tent!
[GROANS] I can't live like this!
How am I gonna convince Mom
that I'm worthy of living under the Wesley roof?
Sounds like white people problems.
We're white. And it actually doesn't.
Yeah, but like, compared to what Miles goes through...
We're not talking about Miles!
Sterling, I'm in a partnership now.
We're always talking about Miles.
Wanna see this dog meme that Miles sent me?
- [GASPS] - Big boy energy.
- Ooh, look at him, he's so fluffy! - Who's a good boy?
Johnny Cornwall skipped again.
- Here's his file. - Absolutely not.
[BLAIR] What's his deal?
Public masturbator.
Eww. Save that for the bathtub.
Or the car, if traffic's really bad.
Sick! You do that in the car?
Um, my body is a temple.
And the car is a temple on wheels.
So, you're a temple in a moving temple?
Don't shame me.
You're turning down all my damn skips today.
Are you forgetting I'm your boss?
I'm the head chef. You're the little waiter dude.
You can't decide what food to dish out.
Yolanda, these skips are bullshit.
I got a feeling you're giving Terrance the Clown all the good jobs.
I don't care about your feelings. I care about recouping my money.
- Terrance delivers. - Oh, please... [SCOFFS]
Anything else?
I've got a big one,
but I'm not sure if Eeyore here is up for the challenge.
And I'm out a shit ton for her.
Kendra Saint John.
Fancy. Sounds like a countess!
Good day, Countess Saint John.
So, this chick's a scammer.
She throws jewelry parties and claims it's high-end product,
but it's actually just tin spray painted in gold.
By the time the victims figure it out, she skips town, changes her name,
does it all over again.
Her focus is niche groups.
Her last venture, "F Everything," was targeted at anarchists.
Anarchists buying matching bracelets? Uh-uh.
The product was a chain that connects nose ring to belt to nose ring.
But what if you stand up really fast and then you pull your nose?
[STERLING AND BLAIR GROAN]
No wonder they're so angry.
Currently, she's running a Christian-based scam.
The company's called Jewels of the Magi.
Using the Lord like that!
Yeah, that feels rude.
Like, biblically rude.
Okay, any intel on places she frequents?
The local precinct might have some
if you'd get over yourself and go down there.
You trying to play games with me?
I don't play games.
And if I was playing games, I'd win.
I'm in better shape and I cheat.
Uh...
Stop fighting, Mom and Dad. I don't wanna work with the cops.
- Okay? Their squeaky pants scare me. - [BOWSER] Well, don't worry.
We don't work with cops. Ever.
Mm.
Company policy.
Wow, I just realized, in this very moment,
that old people are super dramatic.
- Who are you calling old? - I am not dramatic!
Okay, so, what's the plan here?
Should we tell her that we're throwing one of her little party thingies
and give her the Yogurtopia address?
- Good idea! - [YOLANDA] Hell, no!
No way she's gonna buy that some rich white ladies live around here.
You need a home address
in a one percent kind of neighborhood.
[WOMEN CHATTERING]
I hope you have more than just that one little bottle.
[CHUCKLES]
Yes, not to worry, Charlotte.
- We are overflowing with wine. - Mm.
You know... and crab puffs.
You should eat something.
Lynn! Oh.
How are you?
Great! Your house looks fantastic.
That new wallpaper is to die for.
- I love it! - Oh, wow! Thank you.
Yeah, it just felt like time for a refresh.
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
- That stupid book. - Oh.
I stopped when the neighbor found the clue in the vacuum.
I couldn't finish it either.
I'm so glad to be here.
Vernon left for his hunting trip today.
Oh.
You know Anderson is out on the lease, too.
What is it with these boys and their guns?
I don't know, but maybe with all of them out in the wild,
they'll shoot each other and save us the misery.
Right, excuse me.
Sterling, honey, what's going on?
I thought you were refreshing sparkling waters
and Blair was doing the hors d'oeuvres. Please do not confuse the duties.
I finished refreshing the waters, so I just grabbed the puffs.
Just taking initiative, Mommy.
And I can help pour wine, too.
Lord, no, them seeing you cozied up with a bottle?
Honey, that is the last thing we need.
I'll handle the wine. [CLEARS THROAT]
Mom's happy.
She's happy.
Do you think she's happy?
[GROANS] Mrs. Burton told her that the guest towels were beautifully crisp.
- [SIGHS] - She'll be high on that till Christmas.
Yeah. Okay.
[CELL PHONE BLEEPS]
[MILES] Surprise!
[GASPS] Babe! What are you doing here?
- Oh. - [GIGGLES]
You know how we never get to see each other?
- Mm-hm. - I'm fixing that.
Oh, I'm so happy!
Seeing you on a Sunday afternoon, what a luxury!
But... [GROANS] damn it, I can't really hang right now.
I'm kinda helping my mom with her book club.
No, I know. I'm the valet.
You're what now?
I overheard your mom talking about it at the club,
and I offered my services.
So, now I get to see my girl and make some bread.
- Wow. - [CHUCKLES]
Shocking update...
Miles is here.
What do you mean here? Like here, here?
No, like the here that means over there.
- Yes! Here! At our house! - Why?
Mom hired him as a valet.
What if he wants a tour?
Um...
I need to go stage my room like I wasn't 12 in the last five years.
I definitely need to hide my BTS poster.
- Are you worried... - I cannot burn that poster, Sterling,
you know it has emotional resonance for me.
- No, I mean that... - Okay, you know what?
Fine, I will burn it, but I'm furious about this!
No, don't burn anything.
You're right.
[CHUCKLES] What am I doing?
Everything is fine. It's great to have him here.
Who cares if he knows that I love J-Hope the most...
with Suga a close second?
He likes me for me.
But, you're fine that he's here as a valet... the help...
at your mother's hen party?
- Oh, shit. - Yeah.
This is the first time that he's here at your house
and you're already on unequal footing.
It's not like Mom knew about us before she hired him.
I'm still trying to work up the courage to tell her that we're going out on dates.
Why? Because he's black?
Because he's Catholic.
Oh, right. Well, whatever.
He's here now at your rich, portrait-addled mansion,
and we're bounty hunting.
He says that he likes me because I'm down to earth.
This is, like, the least down to earth thing in the entire world.
- It's basically Pluto. - You need to fix this.
[SCOFFS] It's cool. I'm cool.
- [CELL PHONE RINGS] - Look at me be...
It's Bowser.
- Hello? - [BOWSER] Girls...
I think I just saw her pull in but I couldn't positively ID her.
Run out and check.
If it's her, make up an excuse and get her down the driveway.
I'll do the rest.
Wait, hold up.
Oh, stand down, stand down. It's a dude.
- What do you mean, it... - [DISCONNECT TONE]
Hello?
Don't hang up on me, you...
Welcome to our little gathering! And you would be?
I'm John Slack with Jewels of the Magi,
and you must be Debbie.
- Uh... - No! No! No! Uh, she can't vote yet.
Our mom, Debbie, is inside.
So, where's Kendra?
Oh, unfortunately, she couldn't make it today.
I'm happy to fill in.
I got lots of bling to show,
so I hope you folks are ready to buy!
I think we actually...
Yeah, well, you're, um...
Shit. Shit. Shit.
Oh.
Well, hello there.
Who do we have here?
Surprise!
This is John Slack.
He is a sales associate
with Jewels of the Magi, a jewelry company.
Pleased to meet you
and show you and your guests some jewelry.
Right... Um, well, that is just fantastic.
Please, make your... self at home.
What the hello is this?
A fun addition to the party?
Each piece in the collection
was inspired by a passage in the Bible.
So, it's designed to adorn the wearer
and exalt the Lord at the same time.
Um... Uh-huh.
You know, thank you, girls, but... [CHUCKLES]
...they're a little over the top for my taste.
You don't have to buy any. In fact, you... you shouldn't.
Yeah, think of them as, like, entertainment or like, um...
an upscale conversation starter
- for you and your guests. - Yes.
That way you don't have to talk about the book.
It sat on the table in the same place for a month,
so we know you didn't read it.
Well, I... I...
[SIGHS]
Oh... uh...
Okay.
[BREATHING FAST]
Kendra's not coming.
Aw, goddamn it! What?
Yeah, she sent this guy instead,
like, a minion, who's inside our house right now,
trying to hock cheap rhinestones to unsuspecting women.
There's no way they'll bite, they have expensive taste.
- You're right. - No, wait. Listen.
Have y'all ever interrogated anyone?
Oh, we're pros at getting information out of people.
Last year, Margot Carroll said
she had a thing with someone over the summer,
and it took us five minutes with Hannah B to find out it was two people.
James Fenser and Terry Massingill.
Wait, I thought that she only held hands with Terry.
Yeah, but Hannah B screenshotted her playlist
- that she put on her story... - That's right...
Okay! Stop! Stop. Stop talking.
How's Sterling doing?
You know, my Hannah saw that post of hers
- and she told me... - Oh, that old thing.
No... You know, Sterling is doing just great.
That was a nothing. She made Honor Roll again.
Do you know that that's six semesters in a row?
- [CHUCKLES] - I'm so glad to hear it.
It's just, if you let one sin in the door, the next thing you know,
the devil will come a-knockin'.
Not at this house, we have ADT. [CHUCKLES]
Jesus wishes He died on a cross this beautiful.
I'll take three. My Luke might want to give one to Sterling.
Their six year anniversary's coming up.
- [CHUCKLES] - You know what? I'll take one, too.
Oh, and can you throw in a brooch?
Mm-hm.
Oh, Debbie... this bracelet
will look absolutely adorable with that outfit.
Um, yeah, that... that is...
precious.
Um...
You know what?
Why not? I'll take it.
Great! That'll be 180 dollars.
Uh, mm... Okay.
Let me just go get my card reader.
[STERLING] What?
Our mark is isolated in the kitchen. He isolated himself!
Mark?
No, the... the guy!
The guy we need to get information from!
Then just say that.
- Hi! - Hello...
Hey, y'all. You two seem like great candidates
for this Cain and Abel locket set.
Ooh. Mmm.
Thanks, we don't really do the matching thing.
Not even headbands?
Actually, we were hoping to ask you a couple of questions.
We're doing a research paper on what it's like
to work for women entrepreneurs,
and we would really appreciate your...
expertise.
Ask away.
Do you work out? Because your shape is so good to my eyes.
What?
My sister is trying to let me ask the questions here.
Okay, fine.
- Which are...? - Do you like working for Kendra?
What's Kendra like?
What's Kendra's day-to-day itinerary, generally speaking?
I wish I knew.
If only I existed in her orbit on a more regular basis,
but sadly, she is busier than a fruit fly swimming in ambrosia.
That... must be difficult for you.
Unfair, really.
Yeah, you are so brilliant at sales.
It must be really hard having Kendra trap you
in such a lower level position.
Oh. No. No. She is such a wonderful mentor.
So giving.
I'm on the phone with her all day long,
filling orders, strategizing.
We're a team.
You know, sometimes when a person is really talented,
their boss manipulates them.
When really, they...
Oh, look at that! Kendra's asking me to call her.
Uh, if you'll excuse me.
Tell her to come by the house if she's free!
[JOHN] Hello? Kendra?
Yes, that shipment of bangles just came in
and they are as sparklin'...
Um, can you work on that while I go take care of Miles?
Make him think that I'm this super chill lady.
Which I am and not his...
upper crust, white employer.
Sounds like fun.
Hey! If you're tired, take a load off, have a sandwich.
Or don't. Just have fun!
But that's not an order.
Like, thank you, but that'd be kind of weird.
I don't see why.
But, whatever you want.
Well, if you saw your valet eating a big old sandwich, chiefin',
you'd be tight, wouldn't you?
I don't really know what "chiefin'" means, but...
valet is such a weird word. Don't you think?
It rhymes with "chalet", which is also a weird word,
"ballet"...less weird to me, you know?
No. I don't know what you're saying.
I'm just saying that it is all good.
And since I'm here, hey, I got this one.
You relax.
Thank you, Miss Weldon,
I bow before you and this beautiful vehicle.
- May I take the keys to your castle? - Babe...
let me do my job.
[CELL PHONE BLEEPS]
Shit.
[GROANS QUIETLY]
[SIGHS]
[GROANS]
Throw a dick on a cactus.
- Excuse me. - Yeah.
Do you have a reason for being parked this lengthy a duration in the neighborhood?
What, I couldn't live here?
Do you live here?
That's not my point, but, no.
Sir, please answer the question.
Uh... [CLEARS THROAT]
I'm kind of undercover here.
I'm... working and...
Wait, wait, wait. You're an undercover cop?
I'm trying not to blow my cover.
- Oh, man. Of course. - Yeah. Yeah.
- Great. - I... I...
I'll be your backup. I don't mind.
Us brothers in law enforcement,
we need to look out for each other.
Well...
I'll tell you what...
- That car right over there... - Mm.
...I'll be in it.
Okay.
Yep. I see you. You see it.
Thank you, Barney Fife.
[CAR DOOR CLOSES]
[CHATTERING]
Excuse me, Mrs. Creswell,
- you dropped this. - Oh, thank you, hon.
You're always so polite.
I can't help it, I was taught to respect my elders.
Okay, now, that was disrespectful, calling me an elder.
- I'm sorry. - [CHUCKLES] That's okay.
You got a good one, here.
Oh.
Yeah, yeah, I know.
No, I mean it.
So what if she screwed up a little?
I mean, we all do.
[CHATTER ON POLICE RADIO]
Yep, here we go.
- Sir? - Yes?
What's your business here?
Hey, fellas, no need to worry.
He is one of us us.
Us?
Law enforcement.
He's a cop!
Is that right?
Yeah, well, show us your badge.
- Uh, well... - Are you a cop or not?
He straight up told me he was a cop. See his binoculars?
[CHUCKLES] You said I was a cop.
And you agreed with me.
Mm.
I'm a bail enforcement officer.
- Ah, a bounty hunter. - Yeah, waiting on a skip.
And my lead is in the area.
Where's your skip?
Wait, your skip or your bounty?
It's the same damn thing, idiot.
Oh, boy. Your story's really coming unraveled, huh?
I'm gonna need to see the paperwork you have on your skip, sir.
Well, I'm not legally obligated to share that information with you.
But, you know what?
I'm feeling super duper nice today.
This was great, Debbie.
Oh, thank you.
Come on, are we not gonna talk about the elephant in the room?
Charlotte...
What? You can't just put on the perfect little party
and pretend like nothing's wrong.
Crab puffs and cobbler don't make us forget.
Wow, Charlotte.
Okay, that's enough.
Listen, Sterling is a wonderful daughter.
She is a loving sister.
She's an excellent student. I mean, the list goes on and on.
Yes, she drank alcohol... one time,
but is that how you're gonna sum her up?
Really? You of all people,
whose insides could pickle a farmer's market?
Mm. That's not the elephant I was talking about.
I was talking about Sterling having sex with Luke.
My Luke?
Sterling had sex with my sweet Luke?
[CLEARS THROAT] Ladies...
I know all about Sterling and we are dealing with it.
It's been a long day.
I think it's time that you take your cobbler to go.
I would recommend an Uber.
Sterling...
I am so disappointed to hear this.
- Lynn! - What?
You know it takes two to tango.
I'll call you later.
[DOOR SHUTS]
Mama, I want to explain.
Sterling, please give me a moment alone.
Looks to me like this dude
is pretending he's on the force out of nostalgia.
What is that supposed to mean?
You are looking at the man who shot Officer Atticus.
Down in Florida?
Ho-ly shit.
[SECURITY GUARD] Hey, who's that?
I want to know what we're talking about.
[GROANS]
Hi!
I would love for you to bring my car around.
You actually can't leave now,
our valet's on break, so...
- Union rules. - No, I can do it.
- Sir, if you just... - No, he can't!
Sorry, just one second.
Couldn't you use a bathroom break?
And they're putting away that spinach dip, it's to die for!
- Blair, what... - You've gotta have some before you go.
Please, have some for me. Thank you. Make me a plate and wait for me.
Thank you.
So, unfortunately, our valet lost your car.
- Well, it's a pink Cadillac... - Uh-huh.
...license plate, "blessed",
B-L-three-S-S-three-D.
Yeah, he's colorblind.
And a little bit dyslexic, but that's between you and me.
I'll just walk around the neighborhood myself and find it.
Can't be that far.
Oh, I can't let you do that. I'll drive you to your car.
- [JOHN] Oh, well... - [BLAIR] So...
We've been down this street already. Three times.
- Have we? - Isn't there some sort of system
for keeping track of where the cars are parked?
- I really wouldn't know, I'm not a valet. - [ROCK MUSIC PLAYS]
If someone doesn't find my car soon,
I'm calling the police.
[BRAKES SCREECH]
- Well, wouldn't that be the tits? - What the hell are you doing?
I'm a real official bounty hunter!
And I know about the scam that Kendra's running,
like "F Everything" and "Om Shanti Shiny".
You're covering for a con artist! Give her up already!
I don't know who you're talking about!
Really? Kendra Saint John, aka Candy Brunswick,
aka Connie McCready, aka your pimp!
Stop it!
- Just tell me where she is. - I don't know!
Yes, you... Hey!
Come back here!
[JOHN] There she is.
Shit! She has my keys!
[BOTH SCREAM]
[TIRES SCREECH]
Hey!
Get away from me, you crazy bitch!
Watch your language! I'm a lady!
[GASPS]
[GRUNTS]
Ah! Stop it!
- Get off of me! - You're hurting me!
You're hurting me!
[GRUNTING] Ow!
[GROANS]
- [BREATHING FAST] Sorry! - You should be!
Tell me where she is!
[SIGHS]
Fine.
Shit!
I'm Kendra Saint John.
Is that, like, how you identify,
or is this, like, a case of multiple personalities?
No!
She bailed... and I took over.
No idea where she is.
- A confession! - Ow!
Now I can bring you in.
Except, you're not technically the bail skip.
Shit!
Uh...
- I'm gonna go. [GROANS] - No!
Not until you promise to refund
all the credit card transactions that happened today.
And you tell me every single shred of information
you have on Kendra Saint John.
- Got it? - [GRUNTS]
I'm waiting.
Um, so, yeah. That guy was pounding back champagne
and I... I couldn't let him drive,
but I didn't want to say anything
and, like, bruise his fragile male ego.
So I, you know, just drove him around while he sobered up.
Which he did, after he threw up in someone's yard
and then a dog ate it!
Um, cool. Yeah. Glad that's cleared up.
[SOFT ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]
So...
what the hell is going on?
- What? - Well,
first, you acted weird when I showed up.
You weren't even, like, happy.
Then you tried to do my job.
Then you went off with that dude!
What's going on?
You started it!
You can't show up unannounced on a girl like that.
Like, ever.
Okay?
Okay. All right, fine.
Um...
Maybe it wasn't the best surprise?
I'll check next time.
Okay.
Thank you.
Yeah.
You... You told me that you liked me because I'm down to earth.
And then, you show up as an employee at my Richie Rich house
for my mom's Richie Rich party.
I felt embarrassed, like...
like you wouldn't like me anymore,
or think I was cool, or whatever.
For real?
Yeah, for real.
I was hoping the first time you came to my house
would be, like, as my boyfriend and, like, totally normal.
Your boyfriend. Huh?
Maybe?
Okay, I say we turned this day around.
Oh, this is my driveway.
Uh, the next one on the right.
- Okay. - Yeah.
All right. Peace.
- Uh, dude. - What?
You're rich!
You said that your mom worked two jobs.
Well, she's a lawyer and a state senator.
Oh, yeah.
And your dad?
Owns a bank.
But, um, listen,
I gotta go inside and get some shut-eye
so I can wake up in the morning and call my girlfriend.
Well, your girlfriend's standing by.
[KNOCKING]
[DEBBIE] May I come in?
- Yes, ma'am. - [DOOR OPENS]
Are you disappointed in me?
Oh, honey.
I don't know how I feel.
[EXHALES DEEPLY]
I just...
I don't understand how something that feels so good
could be wrong, you know?
The Bible says so many different things
and I really thought that if you love somebody,
then it would be okay to do it, you know?
[SOBS] I just feel so stupid, and...
And Blair said that his penis was just right for me
- because we're in love, and... - Okay. Yeah, thank you.
Okay. Okay. Thank you.
Oh, honey. [EXHALES DEEPLY]
Were you ever gonna tell me...
that you're... you know...
active... activated... [STAMMERING]
That you have... sex.
[CLEARS THROAT]
No, probably never.
Oh.
That breaks my heart.
You could have told me.
Really?
Oh, honey.
You are my whole world.
I know I can be hard on y'all.
It's not to make you fear me.
It's to make you stronger women.
[EXHALES DEEPLY] Lord knows I've sinned.
Yeah, but... not like this.
Actually, exactly like this.
[BREATHES DEEPLY]
Before I married your daddy.
A different time in my life when things weren't so perfect.
Wow.
But God still loves me, and He forgives me...
for all my many mistakes.
Just like I know He forgives you.
[SIGHS] Is it okay...
Is it okay that I don't regret it?
Oh, I don't know, honey. I don't have all the answers,
but I do know...
that life and the Lord put us through challenges.
And through those things, we learn lessons we can't even imagine learning on our own.
Shoot, I thought the man I was with before your father was the one.
How did you find out that he wasn't?
You know how you can have a favorite dress
you've been wearing for years, and...
all of a sudden, one day you look in the mirror, and...
for some reason it just doesn't suit you anymore?
You don't know why. It just doesn't look the same.
Same goes for people.
Not everyone can go with you.
It's nobody's fault.
It just happens, honey.
Yeah, but Luke and I are meant to be.
That may be true.
[CHUCKLES]
Were y'all at least... safe?
Yeah, like, we used condoms.
Oh, good!
Thank goodness.
That's good.
Or bad. Who knows?
[SIGHS]
Sterling, honey...
- I love you. - I love you, too.
Thank you.
Of course.
- [EXHALES DEEPLY] - Oh.
Sweetheart, I spoke to Lynn Creswell.
She and I have decided that you and Luke
need to press pause for now.
Really think about your choices.
[DOOR SHUTS]
[LUKE] So what, we have to, like, break up?
I don't know.
I feel numb.
I think I'm having a heart attack.
Are you sure your foot's not asleep again?
Oh, my gosh, it is.
What am I gonna do without you?
You guys are gonna be fine.
Yeah. Did you hear that, baby?
We're gonna be okay. We'll see each other at school,
we'll tell our parents that were thinking about our choices.
We'll figure it out.
I know. We're gonna get through it.
It can't be that bad, right?
Oh, um, I wrote you a song.
[CHUCKLES] I hope it's just one tenth as beautiful as you are
and I'll be happy.
[STRUMS GUITAR] Here it goes...
♪ S... Sterling, oh... ♪
Oh, wait, hold on. Uh...
♪ Your eyes are as beautiful As the ocean ♪
♪ Oh, I wanna feel your motion ♪
[LYNN] Luke Aaron Creswell!
[GASPING] Here comes the hammer.
[SNIFFS] Uh...
I'll see you in heaven.
- I love you. - [DISCONNECT TONE]
[SIGHS]
Sterl...
just take a little space, like Mom said.
And y'all can hang out at school all you want.
You're right.
She can't, like, stop me from loving him.
Exactly.
And maybe in your time apart,
he'll get to finishing that song.
Yeah.
- Any word from Bowser? - No, still nothing.
It's been hours, Sterl.
Something's not right. I'm worried.
Me, too.
Top five...
saddest things you've ever heard of.
[CLICKS TEETH]
[SIGHS]
Those dogs with only three legs,
so they just walk around with only three legs,
and they don't speak English,
so no one can ever tell them what they're missing out on.
[SIGHS]
That's a really good one.
Thanks.
Hmm.
How about...
the day after Christmas.
Global warming.
Yeah.
People who don't have sisters.
[CELL PHONE RINGS]
It's Yolanda.
Hello?
[YOLANDA] Hey, girls.
Guess who landed his ass in jail?
Did you say in jail?
[SOFT ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]
[STERLING] Want more water?
Did they give you water? I heard they don't even give you water in jail.
I was in there 47 minutes, okay? I'm good.
[BLAIR] Why'd they even have the right to bring you in?
What was the charge, loitering?
[BOWSER SIGHS]
I used colorful language
to remind them that police work is all just bullshit.
And that they use the law
as retroactive justification for their bad decisions.
That's what I told them.
He called them "pigs".
[BOTH GASP]
- You really don't like cops. - Nope.
That's why I left the force.
Wwwhat?
You were a cop?
Do you want me to tell them?
All right.
I was at the Tallahassee Gay Pride parade...
- You're gay? - [GASPS]
[CHUCKLES] No, not gay.
I was assigned to protect Shelita Pancake,
Florida's number one drag queen.
First hour was cool.
I was with Officer Atticus...
behind a float.
Shelita was doing a death drop in a cat suit,
you know, basic parade shit.
Then I heard a car backfire.
And I figure, here comes some crazy fool,
gonna shoot up the place.
So, I pulled out my gun.
I guess I pulled it out too fast 'cause, uh...
the gun went off and shot Atticus in the nose.
- You shot somebody? - You shot a cop?
It was a horse.
Well, the horse was on the force.
So, you shot a horse?
A horse on the force.
A horse on the force is a cop.
Of course.
- Oh. - Anyway, he's fine.
Has half a mouth full of teeth,
and he's living on porridge.
[SIGHS]
Pretty soon, there wasn't a squad room I could walk into
that wouldn't laugh me out.
So, I quit.
I'm sorry, Bowser.
C'mon, I'm fine.
I just wish we'd caught our skip, you know?
Mm. You and me both, Buster.
Now it's back to the fucking drawing board with that crazy bitch.
Wait, you guys, we could still salvage this case.
John told me that the last time he saw Kendra
was a year ago in Knoxville.
We could go there.
That is just a hop, skip and a jump from Dollywood.
Oh, my God, and they have excellent funnel cakes! Please!
Everybody calm down.
We're not taking a field trip.
- [BOTH GROAN] - No.
Sometimes it's...
best if you just cut your losses and move on.
Trust me, I know.
Drive safe, kids.
Give him his space.
That's not really our thing.
Well, it needs to be.
When all this shit went down he didn't just quit his job,
he lost his marriage to my loca sister,
his reputation, his body...
Dude fell apart.
No. That's absurd.
[YOLANDA] Yeah.
Anyway, y'all get the skip next time, will ya?
I don't do this shit for my health.
[STERLING SIGHS]
Sorry.
I'm having an epiphany.
We should order waffles, you're right.
No.
What if God put us here to fix Bowser?
I mean, like, to make him feel better about himself
so that he could, like, level up.
[SIGHS]
Aw.
I like that, that's sweet.
Right?
- I'm in. - [SIGHS]
[STERLING] Did they leave us with the bill?
["SOMEBODY LOVES YOU" PLAYING]
♪ Who's around when the days feel long ♪
♪ Who's around when you can't be strong ♪
♪ Who's around when you're losing your mind ♪
♪ Who thinks that you're one of a kind ♪
♪ Somebody misses you when you're away ♪
♪ They wanna wake up with you everyday ♪
♪ Somebody wants to hear you say ♪
♪ Ooh somebody loves you ♪
♪ I'm around when your head is heavy ♪
♪ I'm around When your hands aren't steady ♪
♪ I'm around When your day's gone all wrong ♪
♪ I care that you feel at home ♪
♪ Cause I know that you feel alone ♪
♪ I think you're going to miss me When I'm gone ♪
♪ Somebody misses you when you're away ♪
♪ Ooh somebody loves you ♪
♪ You you you you you you you ♪