[sirens wailing]
- I'm not a murderer.
You guys have ruined my life.
- And now we're going to make things right.
Trust us.
We know what we're doing.
[guitar strums string plunks]
[gasps]
- Traffic ahead.
I need a way around.
- In half a mile, make a left and then head due south.
- Yeah, looks right to me.
- Noah Switzer, on the run.
Wanted for murder.
He's innocent until proven guilty, Chuck.
- Charlie, get your head out of your ass.
This is America, my friend.
You are guilty until proven innocent.
Live from our jobs at the Wake And Bake,
"The Crime Dudes" podcast proudly present--
- The case of the murdered dead guy, guy, guy, guy.
- Got to do the Crime Dudes' theme song.
- Oh, yeah, yeah. - OK, yeah.
both: ♪ Crime dudes ♪
- ♪ Semen and blood ♪
- ♪ Blood and semen ♪
- ♪ Evidence ♪
- ♪ Blood and semen ♪
- ♪ All over the walls ♪
- ♪ So much semen, we're the... ♪
both: ♪ Crime Dudes ♪
- ♪ Good, mm-hmm ♪
♪ Three brothers puffin' ♪
♪ And we just woke up in year 2020 ♪
- ♪ Roll another J and forget the day ♪
♪ Roll another J and get high ♪
♪ Roll another J and forget the day ♪
♪ Me and my brothers getting fried ♪
- ♪ The Freak Brothers ♪
- [inhales]
[exhales]
- Well, that was our last roach.
We need cash, boys.
Any ideas?
- We could rob a bank.
First National is open till 5:00.
- I could do the old slip and fall con.
The NFL says concussions are good for you.
- Good thinking, Fred.
Switzers are making a Costco run today.
We can tag along, and you can crack your head open there.
- For a fuck you in the ass big box like Costco,
we need to up our game.
If only I could get my hands on some super lube
from Operation Banana Peel.
Freddy slips on that, poof, guaranteed coma.
- OK, I'll bite.
What is Operation Banana Peel?
- Top secret military weapons program
first developed in Vietnam.
- You and your God dang conspiracy theories.
How about after Freddy falls I just
run over him with a forklift?
- Works for me.
- Yo, Freddy, stuff this under your clothes for protection.
- Oh, cotton candy.
- That's asbestos.
- I have a sweet tooth.
- [panting]
My computer died.
I'm bidding on an original Shirasaya katana
for my collection, and the auction is about to close.
I've almost got it.
Three, two--
- Ooh, licorice.
- Oh, no.
I lost.
[groaning]
- Who's that handsome fella?
- Dr. Percy Pendragon, a rival--
no, enemy-- professor.
Pardon my French, but he really steams my beans.
- Well, you know, back where I'm from,
steamed beans is a delicacy.
So I don't think that's accomplishing what you want.
- It's one thing to troll me,
but he has no respect for ancient Japanese esoterica.
- Well, a man who doesn't like porn is no friend of mine.
- Where I come from, you never let
another man push you around.
- Yeah.
It's about honor.
Sucker punch him in the Adam's Apple and then the balls.
[upbeat music]
- Move it out of that seat.
I just got a match on Jay Cat.
- Oh, shalom to you, lox and bagels.
- Sweetie, do you want to wipe down the cart
with antibacterial wipes?
- [sighs] What's the point?
I lost the auction.
- [whimpering]
I do hope Daddy gets out of his funk before bath time.
I can always tell when his heart's not in it.
- I walked in on the two of you in the bathtub once.
I got a question.
Why does both of you have to be naked?
Hmm?
- I'm sorry, is there another way
to take a bath, you dumb cat?
- Thanks for helping with the shopping, boys.
Just try not to go crazy on the free samples.
- You got it.
[gagging]
- I never had a family to go grocery shopping with.
My dad's idea of bonding was shooting
beer cans off my head.
He missed a lot.
- Yeah.
Nothing like a day shopping with the people
you care about.
Now let's go crack open Freddy's skull
and earn some cash.
Everyone in position?
Over.
- We don't have walkie-talkies, you idiot.
- You didn't say over, dumbass.
Over.
["Mission: Impossible" theme song]
♪ ♪
- Whistle. Whistle. Whistle.
I'm walking in the store, minding my own business.
Whistle. Whistle.
- And this is with two hours of rehearsal,
ladies and gentlemen.
He can't whistle. He just says it.
Whistle. Whistle.
Dumb mother fucktard.
- Oh, no, a negligent employee
has left beans all over the floor.
What an unfortunate liability.
- Ahh!
My leg!
My whistling days are over.
- Try to center your head under the wheels.
- Stop pouting about Percy.
We're about to get 70% off a 2017 Chateau Lafite.
It's like we're stealing.
- It's so cheap we could cook with it.
We would never. We would never.
- Oh, hang on. Whoa. Whoa.
I'm slip-slidin' on the beans.
I can't hold her.
I can't hear you unless you say over.
Over.
- Ahh!
Ahh!
- [gasps] Oh, my God.
There's only one left.
- Ahh! Ooh-hoo-hoo.
Too slow, Switzer.
- Percy, give me that bottle.
- Mm-mm, don't think so.
But do help yourself to one of the many celebrity wines.
I hear simply awful things
about Jeremy Piven's Entourage Meritage.
- Hey, it's that handsome guy from the computer.
- Oh, it never gets old watching you lose, Switzer.
First I got your sword.
Now I've got your wine.
[laughs] Here you go, darling.
- Hey, hey, Noah, you cannot let him talk to you like that.
- Adam's Apple.
Adam's Apple.
- OK, let's all just take a deep breath.
- You're not even holding that sword correctly.
A Shirasaya katana is always thrusted curved side up.
- Please, I could totally take you in a sword fight.
- I respectfully disagree.
- Worst smack talk ever.
- He's humiliating you in front of your wife.
Grow a pair of balls, man.
- I would destroy you in a duel.
- Mm-hmm.
Better.
- I would parry, then repost.
- More. More.
- And then I'd plunge the blade deep into your heart
and watch the light flicker out of your beady eyes.
- Now that's what the fuck I'm talking about.
- ♪ Dun, dun, dun, dun ♪
Shakshuka and homemade laffa bread.
- Oh, somebody's got a little skip in their skedaddle.
- Just a little thank you for pumping me up
with Percy the other day.
I added cayenne to this recipe.
I've become quite the ruffian.
[knock at door]
- Noah Switzer, SFPD.
We need to ask you some questions.
- About what?
- Your colleague, Dr. Pendragon,
was found murdered.
- Wait, murdered? Percy's dead?
- They sent two po-po cars just to ask some questions?
Yet when they find a dead cat,
it's just a plastic bag in a garbage truck.
- What's going on here?
- We have eyewitnesses that say they
saw Mr. Switzer threatened Dr. Pendragon at Costco.
- It wasn't a threat.
- It's not a threat?
Hey, don't sell yourself short, big guy.
You were an animal.
- You getting all this down?
- OK, I'm stepping in as Mr. Switzer's attorney.
Noah, do not say another word.
- He was a madman, foaming at the mouth,
all because he wanted that sword Percy stole from him.
- You mean this sword?
- Yeah.
That's the one.
I've never seen Noah as pissed as he was
over that there murder weapon.
- All right.
All right.
I see what's going on here.
You're trying to pin this on Noah.
Well, sir, I have breakfast to eat.
So either arrest him or get the fuck out.
- I can't believe what just happened.
- Neither can I.
You're a terrible lawyer.
- This is a nightmare.
The police think my husband is a murderer,
all because of you.
- Do not lump me in with these three idiots.
I wanted to rob a bank.
- Hey, look, we're all upset, but we're all family.
And families stick together.
Now this ain't no time for pointing fingers.
I said it ain't no time for pointing fingers.
- Oh. - You got to enunciate.
- We put up with a lot from you, the lack of bathing,
the constant weed smoking.
You sold my grandmother's armoire
for a sack of mushrooms.
- If it makes you feel any better,
we tripped balls off those shrooms.
- But now Noah's in jail.
You've outdone yourselves.
- The DA is pushing for no bail,
but I got us a hearing tomorrow.
- Tomorrow?
But Noah was scheduled to feed me Kobe beef treats
during "Jeopardy!" tonight.
- I'll take bitch boy problems for $600.
- Harper, leave it to us.
We'll find the real killer and save Noah.
- Gentlemen, to the basement.
- No.
You'll do nothing.
Nothing.
Because all you'll do is fuck things up worse.
- Am I the only one getting mixed signal?
- Fine.
We won't go to the basement.
Entermenay to the asementbay.
[together] Ahh!
- Nothing.
- Till Noah is free, nothing else matters.
- I'll smoke to that.
Shit, I'll smoke to anything.
- I feel like, no--
was there something we were supposed to do?
- Holy shit.
Look at this.
It looks like Percy the sword stealer's wife has been
polishing another man's blade.
And so facto, sucking his cock.
- OK, Mrs. P, you get yours, girl.
- Her husband must have caught her having an affair.
So she killed him.
- We got to hunt down the widow Pendragon
and get some answers.
- Maybe she'll be at the funeral.
- You think this broad would be dumb enough to show up
to her own husband's funeral?
Do you hear yourself?
There's only one way to find out.
Can somebody tell me?
- Let's-- let's use a soft touch here.
You know, you catch more bees with honey.
- Please, this isn't my first time
grilling a widow at a funeral.
- Ma'am, I'm so sorry for your loss.
- Yeah, it sucks.
So how and why did you whack your husband?
- Excuse me?
- Was it for the money?
- Of course, it was.
- The crow's feet?
The saggy rack?
I bet you can't wait to cash the life insurance
and get a tune-up for your precious boy toy.
- Everything OK, Mom?
- This is your son?
- Back in our day, we called that incest.
I don't know what y'all call it now.
- How about motherfucker?
[all gasp]
- [sobbing] - No.
Don't cry.
Oh, Mama, I love you.
- We might have been a teense off the mark.
- Either that or they're going off to grief bone.
- Hey, whatcha doing, kitty?
- Man, I'm finding all kinds of DNA with my lady
detective kit-- stray hair, traces of blood,
globs of mustard.
Damn, Freddy.
Have some decency.
Eat that dog over a paper plate.
- My bad.
Oh, five-second rule.
Darn it.
My weenie is caught on his bracelet.
[all gasp]
- Jesus, Biggie, you are compromising my crime scene.
Ah, shit. [all gasp]
- Freddy, I'm trapped.
This stiff's doused in Jovan Musk.
Oh, help me.
- Well, this is a dead end.
- Not necessarily, my naive friend.
Check the feds scanning the crowd.
- They're probably just cops.
This is a funeral for a murder victim.
- Just cops?
What other profession do you know
besides Fed wears all black?
- Judge, nun, mime, ninja, Johnny Cash.
It's just off the top of my head.
- Exactly.
None. Something's fishy.
- Hey, yours has a banana logo too, just like the dead guy's.
Bracelet twins.
- Oh, that's unusual.
- Holy shit.
The unmistakable logo for Operation Banana Peel.
- Oh, look at the time.
I gotta go.
- She's leaving in a suspic-uous manner.
Let's follow her.
- 43 bucks in his pocket.
Mm, mm, mm. He won't be needing that.
[chuckles]
[suspenseful music]
♪ ♪
- Ahh!
- Come on, guys.
Her car's got to be around here some--ahh!
[dramatic music]
♪ ♪
- Do you think she's OK?
- Well, I can see her large intestine.
So she's pretty fucking far from OK.
- [coughing]
- Her chest is still heaving, which I know
shouldn't be turning me on.
- Don't worry. You're gonna make it.
Did that sound sincere?
Because I was lying.
- Take this.
It gets you into Percy's lab.
You'll find answers there.
- The Banana Boys are knocking off witnesses one by one.
To Percy's lab!
- Only $18.
Still living in a man's world.
Well, not living.
You dead.
- The scariest part is the showering.
- Oh, God. - It's low-flow, Harper.
Low-flow.
- You just hang in there, OK?
We're going to get you out.
- She's right. There's zero physical evidence
tying you to this crime.
- In his darkest hour, Noah Switzer's family
has not yet abandoned him.
Never have I seen such a supportive wife
or smoke-show lawyer.
- I mean, my God.
What a hot piece of ace.
- Holy smokes.
- And we're not going to discount the wife
is also a hottie slam piece.
She is a little older, but frankly,
Charlie, I prefer that.
- I kind of like when, you know, the meat starts to age.
It's like a good steak, a dry rub.
- It's a real dry, dry, dry, dry, dry, dry rub.
- I might have to go have a dry rub.
- A-yo. [both chuckling]
- Are you talking about jerking off?
- Yes, I am.
- You sure it's a good idea to let these guys cover our case?
- Public opinion is everything.
And this podcast has a serious following.
- Eighth-ranked p-cast.
And the Bay City's Bowling Alley is where
you want to get your roll on.
Ask for the Crime Dudes discount
and enjoy one free shoe rental.
- Left shoe is free. Right shoe available
for additional charge.
- I didn't do this.
How can they put me in here?
- A desperate plea from a desperate--
man, is there a killer deal at Walter's Wing Shack.
We'll never tell you what's in our sauce.
And you don't want to know.
- Check out the symbol.
[electronic beeping]
- Clear. Squirt. Squirt.
- Oof!
Wow. That's a lot of dildos.
- Well, a collector's gonna collect.
- The man's a degenerate.
- Whoa, banana mustard.
Fancy.
Tastes like gasoline.
Very fancy.
- He must keep his sensitive file somewhere else.
Look around for a mimeograph machine or a microfiche.
- Or we could just type "dildo" into the password.
We in.
- Open that folder that says "security footage."
- Almost...almost.
- Wait. That's a traffic light too.
- What, are you blind? That's just a pole.
- No, no. It's part of the light.
See? There's a little sliver there.
- Whoo-hoo! We're in.
- OK, here's the security footage
from the time of the murder.
Whoever walks in next is the killer.
[gasping] - Whoa.
- Oh.
- Holy shit!
- Do you know what this means?
- No, but I know who does.
Siri, what does this mean?
- It means Noah's a murderer. [dramatic musical sting]
And you ain't even holding a phone.
- Eh, this thing's dead anyway.
[dramatic music]
[tires screeching]
[together] Happy birthday.
♪ Aye yi yi yi ♪
♪ It is the policeman's birthday ♪
♪ [mumbling] ♪
♪ Because it's the policeman's birthday ♪
- What the hell are you guys--
OK, OK, birthday boy, you hit the piñata first,
then it's your buddy's turn.
- I didn't know it was your birthday.
- That's hurtful.
I remember yours.
- [grunting]
[tires squealing]
- Wait a minute. My birthday's in July.
[dramatic music]
- Why are you doing this?
- Because you're family.
And because we feel a little bad
for making you kill that guy.
- But I didn't do it.
- Noah, this is no time for lies and deception.
We're taking you south to the border,
where you live out the rest of your days as a woman.
- Uh-huh, uh-huh.
- We found a very reputable Mexican dentist
who's willing to do the gender reassignment surgery.
- He'll lop off your cock and give you
a free teeth whitening.
- You're getting the full Caitlyn Jenner.
[dramatic music]
- Oh, my God.
- [gasps]
- Dang it. We're out of gas.
- Whose responsibility was filling the tank?
- Kitty.
- Bitch, I don't have thumbs.
[sirens wailing]
- Corre, corre, Los Federales.
- What does that mean?
- It means, "Run, the cops."
- Those motherfuckers.
- It appears Noah Spitzer's mariachi accomplices
have abandoned him on the I-5...
- Percent off any Stiffy brand erectile dysfunction
medications when you use the promo code Chuck and Charlie.
- Don't let your hoggy get soggy.
I take four every day to maintain a constant erection.
- Smart.
[sirens wailing]
- Oh, they hit him with six tasers,
an amazing remarkable show of restraint from the SFPD.
- Ladies, you two can writhe around on the ground
like that with the Clitty,
an all-new personal massager from the makers of Stiffy.
- As always, proudly manufactured
in the great state of Delaware.
- I'm done.
You're out, all of you.
My husband's going to rot in prison forever.
- You seem angry.
Why don't you make us a snack and we'll talk about it?
- Harper, please, you got to understand,
we were just trying to help out our durn family.
- You are not our "durn family."
Not now. Not ever.
- That's what women do.
They blame you for their husbands leaving
when they get too old.
Seen it a million times.
- And take this too.
- [groaning]
- Why these motherfuckers always land on top of me?
And why do you have a boner?
- Only a guilty man would escape to Mexico
and hide for the rest of his life
after receiving a full Caitlyn Jenner
and Tijuana teeth whitening.
[light music]
- So we're living in a Costco now?
Fuck y'all. - I used to love coming here.
But now everywhere I look, it reminds me of the Switzers.
- And how we don't live with them anymore.
- And how Noah's a murderer.
- And they got all-you-can-eat hot dogs
in the dumpster out back.
- Wow. That's a slippery mustard.
- Freddy, where'd you get that mustard?
- Oh, I got it from Percy's lab. Remember?
He had all sorts of funny condiments.
- Oh, my God.
This isn't mustard.
It's a highly toxic chemical weapon.
- Well, it tastes great on a dumpster dog.
- Eureka!
I figured it out.
Gentlemen, to the courtroom.
- Give me five.
I just decanted this glass of Piven.
Where them cheese cubes at?
- What, if anything, did you learn while conducting
your "Crime Dudes" podcast?
- Don't spill bong water on your tape recorder.
- My mom said she was sorry.
- And I forgave her.
- Stop this sham of a scam of a shame of a frame.
[all gasp]
- These charges are lame, but we ain't game
to play the b-b-b-blame game.
- I ain't got a rhyme, but Noah didn't do no criminal act.
[gavel banging] - Order. Order.
Who the hell are these freaks?
- You must remember us.
We grew weed out of Fat Freddy's asshole.
- Gone now.
- Well, there's something hanging out of there.
- That's a poo-poo.
- They were just leaving, Your Honor.
They're nobodies.
- We can't leave. We have evidence.
Judge, I ain't an educated man, but my cat is.
May she approach?
- Your Honor, if this is some kind of stunt...
- Oh, this isn't some kind of stunt.
Oh, my bad.
I emphasized the wrong word.
I meant to say some kind of stunt.
- Judge, please, you ain't got nothing
to lose by listening to us.
But Noah could lose everything if you don't.
- This is highly irregular, but a man's life is at stake.
- Frederick.
- This isn't a murder case.
It's a classic slip and fall.
I should know.
I've done it so many times, because I'm a common man.
Objection. Confusing the witness.
- Dr. Pendragon also slipped and fell.
Not for a shakedown or insurance fraud like Fred,
but because he stepped into a puddle of his own homemade
super lube, then accidentally stabbed himself.
Pardon me, ma'am.
Do you mind lifting your nose up off of my finger?
You seem to be running a low fever.
- As proof, I will demonstrate at risk
of great personal injury to Freddy.
Grease the floor, will you?
My associate will now demonstrate
with the Big Bertha extra-girthy cock
in midnight blue.
- That's one hell of a dildo. Hijole.
- Freddy, look alive. Cock.
- Noah is a sword expert and would
never stab a man that way.
A Shirasya sword soft sword is always thrusted curve side up.
[all mumbling]
- Well, I for one would call that reasonable doubt.
- Not even close, counselor.
- Well, that was a swing and a miss.
Y'all have a pleasant afternoon.
- Wait. I will now prove the existence
of a top secret government weapons program.
Look at the floor.
Where's the lubricant?
Vanished, just like in Percy's office.
Why napalm a village when you could
blanket it in more lube than a Palm Springs' pool party?
This is clearly the work of Operation Banana Peel.
- Your Honor, may we approach?
both: [whispering] Sir, they assembled...top secret
Banana Peel.
We gotta let these idiots go.
- You will disregard all video and fingerprint evidence
and all witness testimony.
- What? That's my entire case.
- Then you don't have one, counselor.
Mr. Switzer, all charges against you are dismissed.
You're free to go.
And I'm free to go to happy hour.
$1 margaritas.
[all cheering]
- Well, if you all are done with this,
I'll just submit it into evidence,
evidence being a polite way of saying my pu-say.
- Ah, the sweet San Francisco air.
Smells like freedom.
- Smells like saltwater and hobo dookie to me.
Oh, shit.
That's Jeremy Piven.
- I have no idea what just happened.
- My advice, just take the win, Gretch.
- You three goofs.
I don't know what to say.
- Say you missed us.
Come on.
You know you did.
- We missed you.
- Enough.
We saved OJ's ass.
Let us move our shit back in.
- Well, I mean, I suppose the Switzer household wouldn't
be the same without you.
- I always say family is like a box of chocolates.
You never know what you're gonna get.
- That was from a movie about a mentally challenged person.
- Hey, that's my story.
Somebody stole it.
- Your underpants are like a box of chocolates.
You got to learn how to wipe.
[laughter]
- A family is reunited.
A man who might be innocent is free.
- Tune into "Crime Dudes" next week
when we'll reveal the shocking truth
behind Operation Banana Peel.
[muffled yelling]
[dramatic music]
- ♪ Boop boop boop boop boop boop ♪
- ♪ Crime Dudes ♪ - ♪ Crime Dudes ♪
- ♪ Solving crimes of murdered dead guys ♪
- ♪ Crime dudes ♪
- ♪ I found a knife and blood on the floor ♪
- ♪ Remember when we had to scrape semen off the wall ♪
- ♪ I blocked it out, but now that you mention it, I do ♪
- ♪ Crime Dudes ♪ - ♪ Evidence, evidence ♪
- ♪ Semen ♪ - ♪ Evidence, evidence ♪
- ♪ Crime Dudes ♪
♪ Lots of... ♪ both: ♪ Semen, semen ♪
♪ Crime Dudes ♪
- ♪ Semen and blood ♪
both: ♪ Semen and blood ♪
♪ Blood and semen ♪
♪ Mixed together like cement ♪
- What?
both: ♪ Crime Dudes ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Roll another J and forget the day ♪
♪ Me and my brother's getting fried ♪
- ♪ The Freak Brothers ♪