- ♪ Good, mm-hmm ♪
♪ Three brothers puffin' ♪
♪ And we just woke up in year 2020 ♪
- ♪ Roll another J and forget the day ♪
♪ Roll another J and get high ♪
♪ Roll another J and forget the day ♪
♪ Me and my brothers getting fried ♪
- ♪ The Freak Brothers ♪
[steady music]
- Lyndon LaQueefe High School 60th Reunion?
What? I'll defect to North Korea.
I'll learn chopsticks-- the song and the utensil.
- Why you got such a bug up your bunger about high school?
- Oh, everyone was a shallow conformist
who valued good looks above my superior intellect.
And they gave me titty twisters.
- Wow, what a coincidence.
I got some kind of invitation today, too.
- [sighs] It's not a coincidence, Freddy.
We were in the same fucking class.
- What's that have to do with anything?
- Lot of lead paint in that school.
- I'll tell you who was the shallowest--
Goldie Ghirardelli.
No relation. - She wasn't shallow.
She was pretty and had big boobs.
- Freddy, they weren't just big.
They were supple and pillowy, like clouds you could honk.
I had no interest in her.
- No interest? [scoffs]
Man, you were head over stanky heels
for those big-ass titties. [laughs]
Bay Area Barbie wouldn't give you the time of day.
- Say, Hot Pants, you got the time of day?
- Sure, it's ten past titty-twister time.
- Ow! Ooh!
Oh! - [growls]
- See that, Cliff? Got to second base with Goldie.
Another W for the Phin man.
Yow. - [grunts]
- Aah! - [grunts]
- Let me out of here! I'm scared!
- Uh, not to, uh... [chuckles]
Burst your boner, but don't forget--
your classmates have all aged 60 years.
- Shut up, Franklin. I'm onto something.
My classmates have all aged 60 years.
I could go rub my youthful good looks
in their sagging faces,
especially Goldie, who I never had the slightest interest in.
- And I'm going to show them what one man with a D average
can accomplish in this world.
both: Fear the Queef!
[indistinct chatter]
[rock music]
- [groaning weakly]
♪ ♪
- All right, let me get my list out of clever insults.
Hey, Larry Osbourne!
Or should I say cancer survivor?
[laughs] Check.
- Damn, they got sangria in a punch bowl,
and I brought a straw.
♪ ♪
- This one goes out to Herb Larson
from his bedridden wife, Rachel, that reads,
"You left your diaper on the dresser,
so go easy on the sugar cookies."
- Put down the snickerdoodles, Herb.
Your wife says you're going to shit yourself.
- And she's usually right.
[person laughing]
[Tommy James' "Crimson and Clover"]
- ♪ Now I don't hardly know her ♪
[shimmering tone, bell dings]
- Either I snorted too much shower mold,
or Goldie Ghirardelli is still a knockout.
- Hey, you think she fell asleep for 50 years like us?
- All I know is, her tits are wide awake, and I'm going in.
Hold my grievance list, Freddy.
- [humming]
♪ ♪
Oh, dang it to hell.
That was my grandmama's 'stache comb.
- Hey, Franklin, what you got going on here?
- Well, uh, since the house is empty,
I figured you and me could watch
a romantic motion picture
and share fine wine Noah was saving
for Elizabeth Warren's inauguration.
- Oh, you lit candles and combed your mustache?
[cell phone chimes] Oh, mierda. Shit!
Franklin, I have a date. [car horn honks]
- Listen, lady, if you're trying to spare my feelings
by making up some mystery man
in a very expensive Italian sports car,
well, it ain't working.
- [smooches] both: Rain check?
[soft music]
[both sobbing]
- They're in love, and they have cancer.
[blows nose] [door opens]
- Whatever the hell you're doing, you're done.
I just found out I will be throwing a gender-reveal party
here at Casa de Switzer!
- It's for Mom's boss, Dennis Chang,
and his husband, Douglas Feldman Chang.
They're 8 and 1/2 months pregnant.
- Is that my Liz Warren Pino?
- It's not like you were going to get to open it anyway.
- [sighs] At least I still have my Andrew Yang Shiraz.
- Eh, I-I-I'm trying to keep up here.
Y-y'all are saying these two fellas are knocked up?
- No, they're using a surrogate--
a birthing person whose egg was fertilized
by the two men's blended sperm.
- Known in the Castro as Liberace's Breakfast.
[laughs]
I can make that joke because I'm LGBTQIA+,
and because all they hear is ruff, ruff, ruff, ruff!
- Hello, Goldie, lady Queefers.
- Phineas T. Freakers.
- My God, how do you look so young?
Actually, I don't care. I'm aroused.
- [groans, scoffs]
You literally have not changed one bit.
- So I don't see a ring.
Are you married, divorced, or did you go gay?
And by gay, I mean dyke.
Ah! Ah!
- Is this freak bothering you?
Want me I should stuff him in a locker?
- [laughs] Ah, Cliff, the tables have turned,
you senile old fart.
Don't embarrass yourself.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Oh!
Ah, my ass!
[laughter]
- ♪ Yo, Phineas thought he could get some ♪
- ♪ But he ain't got game ♪
both: ♪ Fell on his rectum ♪ [air horns blowing]
- Ah!
[indistinct chatter] - [laughs]
- Mr. Martin, bet you can't guess who I am.
- Freddy Freekowtski.
- Who told you? - [laughs]
You tried to trade your cat
for a passing grade in remedial multiplication.
[firecracker popping]
- I don't need the cat. You keep her.
- But we had a deal.
I have to raise my average to D-minus or--
- Done. You will pass. You'll graduate.
- Edgar, hurry. Time for round two.
- Well, I'll be a monkey's butler.
That lady sounds just like my mom.
- [laughs] That's ridiculous.
I wouldn't know your mom if she was naked in my kitchen,
ass pointed to the sky, and jumper cables on her nipples.
[electricity crackles] - Oh!
Ooh! Whoo!
- You know, I never figured out
why you gave me that passing grade.
[glass shatters] What?
- Uh-uh-uh-uh, run that back, Jack.
You tried to give me away?
- You're the best-looking guy here.
Now go back out there and prove to Goldie you're not a loser,
then kindly invite her back to the basement you live in
with two other grown men. [door opens]
- Figured I'd find you here, cowering like a chicken.
Chicken boy.
Bawk, bawk, bawk! Little chicken boy!
Wah!
- Ah, Cliff, you diabetic douchebag.
[bell dings]
- Aah! - Ah!
- Bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk, bawk!
Cluck! [toilet flushes]
[rock music]
- I thought I was his ride-or-die,
day-one kitty cat.
Trade me in
for a D-motherfucking-minus?
[grunts]
- [slurps]
Ho-ho. Hey, how do you do?
- Howdy there, cowboy.
I don't remember you.
- Afraid I'm crashing, darling.
Uh, night didn't go as planned.
In fact, it turned out pretty rough.
- I can make it rougher, if you're into that.
How are you at choking ladies?
- [coughs] Straight shooter.
Hoo, daddy. [chuckles]
Tell me, why is a lady in her 30s
dressed like a pom-pom gal from the '60s?
- You know just what to say, don't you, Tex?
My plastic surgeon would be flattered.
How about I show you my old locker?
[people moaning, grunting]
[indistinct chatter]
- Sounds like some geezer's having a heart attack.
Oh, I hope it's Tom Fitzpatrick.
Yes, he was a real fuckface.
[dramatic music]
♪ ♪
- No!
- Kitty, you got to forgive me.
We had only been together for a week.
- [scoffs] Whatever, titty man.
- I made you this.
I ate all the crayons, so I drawed it with my boogers.
- Uh-uh, you can't fix this
with empty words and snot paint.
You got to treat others with respect.
Out of my way, fuck-tard!
- I told you-- I didn't know it was Goldie.
Unwritten rule of bathroom sex--no names.
- Once again, the delicate genius
is cuckolded by the guy with the billowing mustache
and facially proportionate nose.
- Can somebody give me a ride?
My parents are too busy with gender-reveal-party stuff.
- I'll drive you.
You won't rip out my heart
and then stomp it with your cowboy boots
into a thousand chunks of bloody mush.
You got gas money?
[rock music]
♪ ♪
- Dang, got the itchers in my trouser sprouts.
Ahh, that's better. - Stop scratching your balls!
No sitting on furniture until after the gender-reveal party.
- Ugh! Es un hijo de puta no bueno!
[objects clatter]
- Gretch, e-everything okay in there?
- No, my date was trash.
- Well, you want to talk about it?
[objects clatter]
- Okay.
- He was married?
That "infidelious" double dunker.
- Ah! I'm always picking the wrong guy.
I wish I stayed home with you.
- Well, uh, you still got that rain check,
and, uh, it don't need to be raining to cash it in.
- [laughs] No, it doesn't, Mr. Corny Smooth Talk.
[chomping]
- Ooh. [chuckles]
Hey, uh, would you kindly excuse me?
Uh, I'll be right back.
Ah! Oh, I got a critter in my crabgrass.
[grunting]
[dramatic music]
♪ ♪
- Oh, you almost ripped my head off
with that shit scraper.
- [gasps] Jiminy Crab? - As you live and breed.
Freewheelin' Franklin,
good to be on your jumbo jiz cannon again.
- God dang, Jiminy,
you haven't itched my jean jungle since the late '60s.
- Ah, the good old days--
free love, unprotected sex,
bouncing from hippie hair pie to psychedelic sack weed.
- [chuckling] Yeah, we did have some fun times.
Hey, well, how did you-- Hey, where you been?
- Well, let me put it to you like this.
One, two, three, four.
♪ I was living the life ♪
♪ As pubic lice ♪
♪ Hopscotching from crotch to crotch ♪
♪ Just making my way ♪
♪ Till one fine day ♪
♪ Woke up in the snatch of a wrinkly, old biatch ♪
♪ Residing in the retirement home ♪
♪ Where the geezers go to bone ♪
♪ I soldiered on from schlong to schlong ♪
♪ Schlong to schlong, schlong to schlong ♪
♪ And when they went ♪
♪ To a 60th-reunion event ♪
♪ ♪
♪ Well, lucky me ♪
♪ 'Cause you fucked Goldie ♪
♪ Yeah, I'm back, Jack ♪
♪ New and improved ♪
♪ Back living ♪
♪ Inside your pubes ♪
Ahh.
- [chuckles] Well, a simple "I've been around"
would have sufficed.
- Now boner up, and let's bring some beaver, baby.
- Sorry, old pal, but that gal out there is special,
and I don't want to give her a case
of the, uh...you.
- [mockingly] That girl out there is special.
[normal voice] You soft son of a bitch!
You better find me another hair pie,
or I'll chew your stank hangers clean off the vine.
[chomping] - [shudders]
Mm, sorry about that. W-where were we?
- I held your seat.
Everything okay?
- [clears throat] This is a bit embarrassing,
but I think I might have ate some...
[grunting] Bad tacos at the reunion last night.
- You did more than eat that taco.
Hey-oh! The Crab Man's still got it.
- Yeah, I think I got to go. I got to go. I got to go.
I got--I got to take a rain check on our rain check.
[chuckles] - Okay, sure. No problem.
- I'd say I'll pay you back for the ice cream,
but that would be a lie.
- Can you at least give me the change from the 20?
- Just as soon as we pull over.
That's also a lie. Where are we going, anyway?
- Two more blocks, then make a right.
- Plastic surgery clinic?
- Yeah, I'm getting lip fillers
so I can look hot like the cool girls at my school.
Kaley, and Kimmy and the other Kaley
will be at the gender-reveal party,
and I don't want to look like me.
- There's nothing wrong with the way you look.
How old are you, 19? - I'm 13.
- Well, you're adopted, so you could be 28, for all we know.
Can't tell by looking at you. Asian don't raisin.
But be sure of this--
the medical-industrial cabal
is exploiting your insecurities to line their pockets.
[horns blaring, tires squealing]
- You're taking me home?
- Sorry, kid, but no "quackstic" surgeon
is going to touch one freckle on your pretty punim,
not on my watch.
[person groans]
Says here you can give any ordinary Joe
movie-star looks and sex appeal.
It also says, no credit, no problem.
- And the gender of your baby, or ying-ar,
will be revealed via pink or blue fireworks
shot from a cannon, Mr. Chang.
- Approved.
- Then we'll have my husband Noah's handcrafted desserts.
- My secret ingredient crème pâtissière tarts
from scratch.
- No nuts! Douglas is allergic.
He can't have nuts. - I'll bet he has some nuts.
Yours, if I wasn't clear. [laughs]
[door closes]
- Good afternoon.
- Oh, dear Lord! Ah, ah!
- Oh, my God. What the fuck happened to you?
- I got lip injections.
Don't it make me look beautiful?
[smooching]
Goldie won't be able to keep her hands off me.
You, sir, you're an effeminate gentleman
likely of discerning taste.
What say you?
- This better not be at my party.
- More! I need more work, God damn it!
I'll take the "Ass to Elbows" package with a DiCaprio schnoz
and a side of Tobey Maguire.
I ain't leaving till it's perfect!
- [moaning]
- Yeah, Frankie! Go, Frankie! Put some back into it!
- Okay, Jiminy, happy trails, my foul-mouthed friend.
- Nice knowing you Free Fucking Franklin.
[shouting wildly]
I'm going in!
- Hey, hey, hey. - [moaning]
- [humming] - [breathing heavily]
Whoa.
From the dispensary--
your favorite pre-roll in the whole wide world.
- Thoughtful. You got a light?
- Mm-hmm, yeah! That's that good herb.
That's the shit.
Freddy, okay, Freddy.
- Oh, that's a relief.
[chain saw whirring loudly]
Oh! [body thuds]
- Apology not accepted.
- [laughs] Wow, a guitar.
[both laughing] That's insane. Do another one.
- Okay, all right, here's Jane Fonda in "Barbarella."
[laughter]
[slurps] - I'll get more wine.
- Ooh.
- What should we toast to next?
- To cracking some clam. - Whoa, whoa.
[whispering] What the hell, Jiminy?
I passed you on to that nurse who liked it standing up.
- Almost, but she pierced the clit,
hit my head on that yammy stud and got knocked out cold.
- I'll do more than knock you out
if you don't shut the fuck up.
- [chomping] - Oh, get off me!
- What?
- Oh, you want me gone?
Then close the deal with this bitch!
- Bitch? - Excuse me?
- Uh, Gretchen, I-I can explain.
I'll--I'll show you. - Whoa, Franklin.
- I got a monster in my pants.
- Hey, sweetheart, how you doing?
[muffled] Oh, you're crushing me.
I can't breathe.
- I think you should leave.
- Gretch, you don't understand.
- Now.
[door slams]
- What are you doing out here?
We're in a crap house, ain't we?
So crap.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, that's killer crab cream.
- You are ruining my life, you testicle termite.
- Frankie, baby, after everything I've done for you?
Who saved you from marrying that single mother in '65, hmm,
the one with the three kids barely making ends meet?
I'm a hero.
Oh, Frankie, please, you can't kill me.
We're like brothers. It's fratricide.
[soft music]
- There is one other way.
- [snoring]
- Goldie, my Darling.
- Who--who's there? And where are my smokes?
- It's me, Hot Pants. It's Phineas.
FYI, you fart in your sleep.
- What the hell are you doing here?
- I was inspired
by your timeless and surgically enhanced beauty.
I got myself a little nip and a tiny tuck,
and now I look like a movie star.
- Goldie... [chuckles] Remember me, darling?
We humped in the shitter.
- It's showtime.
- Franklin? - Franklin?
- Phineas?
- Aah, a monster!
- Christ on a coke binge.
Aah! [gasping] [heart pounding]
- She's dead! You killed her!
- What are you standing there for?
Body's still warm. Fuck her, dummy.
[indistinct chatter]
- Want some pie, Kitty? - [grunts]
You can't buy me back with shmoke and shweets.
That ain't love. - [sniffles]
Kitty, please, what do I have to do?
- Hmph!
- Your lips are thin.
- Your mom is fucking her yoga instructor.
- My dad is a yoga instructor.
[both sobbing]
- Aloha.
Your attentions, please.
- Nobody asked us to, but we wrote a song.
This is from Dennis and Douglas to their surrogate,
Vanilla Weiss.
- And here it goes!
both: ♪ She's making a baby for two gay dads ♪
♪ Some say it's sick, but we think it's rad ♪
♪ She's doing it for pay, ain't got nowhere to stay ♪
♪ 'Cause she's h-h-h-h-h-h-homeless ♪
♪ And addicted to h-h-h-h-h-h-heroin ♪
♪ They ripped it out her womb ♪
- Uh...
both: ♪ We'll reveal the gender soon ♪
♪ Fuckin' homeless ♪
- Okay, okay, actually, we'll reveal the gender now.
The envelope, please.
- Get away from me! - I'll kill you!
I was about to make love to my dream girl!
You homewrecker!
- Goldie wasn't going to have sex with you.
Your face is more butchered than a pulled-pork sandwich...
[object thuds, person screams]
Carolina style, with the vinegar.
That ain't even real barbecue.
[dramatic music]
♪ ♪
- Oh! - No, not the joint.
- ♪ The buzz is kickin' in, and I like it ♪
♪ I feel it in my skin ♪
- My Tom Ford limited-edition frames!
- My envelope!
- It's a boy!
- Oh, shit! - Kitty!
[groans]
[grunts] - I'm okay.
- Oh, shit.
[people screaming]
- It's a girl! - My face!
- What the fuck is the gender?
- Oh! Ah, ah, ah, hot! Ow!
- Freddy, stay with me.
- I see a bright light.
- Ah, you took a bullet for me.
- I'd do anything for you, Kitty.
I love you. - [sobs]
I love you, too, you big dumb-dumb,
and I forgive you.
Ah, please, Lord, let him live!
- Oh, are there any more
of those cream-filled pastry thingies?
- My man. - I smell burning plastic.
- [screams]
- Hey, Phineas, they're going to take off your bandages now.
Doc said he did the best he could, but--
- He said you'll probably look gross,
and we should pretend you don't.
- Yeah, okay.
- Remember, beauty's a construct
of the medical-industrial cabal.
It's what's on the inside that counts.
- You're right.
I know I'm going to look like a Quasimodo monster.
I only hope you'll see past my horrible visage
into the beauty that lies beneath.
And, Franklin, our friendship means too much to me.
I forgive you for killing Goldie and for porking her.
Actually, how was it?
Don't tell me, but maybe do.
- Bong water under the bridge, my brother.
[dramatic music]
all: Oh! - Oh, jeez!
- Put it back on. - Uh, look at you.
- Ain't that a motherfucker?
- What? How bad?
Give me a mirror.
Doc, you're a miracle worker.
I'm gorgeous.
[glass shatters] Mwah.
- Ew. - I'm back, baby.
How's it feel to stand next to me, you bunch of uggos?
I got brains and beauty.
I'm the whole package.
Mm-hmm.
- Well, I think we can all agree on one thing--
it's good to have the old Phineas back.
[chomping] - Ah!
- Where's the maternity ward?
We know those chicks put out, eh?
- Yeah, I'll catch up with y'all.
[drawer rattles]
- No, not the clippers. That's the nuclear option.
Brother, please.
- You ain't my brother, Jiminy.
You're a foul-mouthed, bloodsucking ectoparasite,
and your time is up.
[razor buzzing] - No, no!
Aah!
[ominous music]
♪ ♪
[gasps]
- A-one, two, three, four.
♪ I was living the life ♪
♪ As pubic lice ♪
♪ Hopscotching from crotch to crotch ♪
♪ Just making my way ♪
♪ Till one fine day ♪
♪ Woke up in the snatch of a wrinkly, old biatch ♪
♪ Residing in the retirement home ♪
♪ Where the geezers go to bone ♪
♪ I soldiered on from schlong to schlong ♪
♪ Schlong to schlong, schlong to schlong ♪
♪ And when they went ♪
♪ To a 60th-reunion event ♪
♪ Well, lucky me ♪
♪ 'Cause you fucked Goldie ♪
♪ Yeah, I'm back, Jack ♪
♪ New and improved ♪
♪ Back living inside ♪
♪ Your pubes ♪