[funk music]
- I say we gut this wall and go with
a floor-to-ceiling window.
- Keep talking about ways to maximize natural light,
and we'll have to take this party upstairs.
- Sounds great. Maybe we can have a three-way
with my blinding period migraine.
- I'll try anything once.
- Ah!
- What the hell are you doing?
- Shut the door!
The cold breeze ain't helping me cross the goal line!
- Oh, my God.
Is that my new robe?
- Not anymore!
- Jesus Christ.
Stop jerking off.
- Say that again, but angrier.
- Ugh. - [groans]
Touchdown!
Oh...
So what's with the hard hats?
- We're tearing down this shack,
you vile, disgusting degenerate.
- Harper, if you keep yelling at me
with that domineering, degrading tone,
I'm gonna climax again.
- Anyway, we're gonna replace the old hut
with a new structure.
I prefer a dojo.
- No, it will be a she-shed,
where I can do meditation and yoga.
- Ain't nobody touching this whack shack.
Freaks, assemble!
- [coughing]
- We smoking? - [yelps]
- These savages wanna knock down our whack shack
and put up a meditation and yogurt store.
- Listen, we-- we don't ask a lot.
But this here structure has a tremendous amount
of sentimental and nostalgic value.
- And it's where we pull our puds.
- It's not just a diddle den.
It's also where I taught Freddy to make mac and cheese.
Oh, that was a rough six months.
- This orgasmic oasis means a lot to us.
- Oh, I never knew that.
Demolition starts on Thursday, fuckers.
- This isn't over, you heartless land baron!
- [giggling]
Ooh.
- I believe this is yours.
- Ugh.
- ♪ Good, mm-hmm ♪
♪ Three brothers puffin' ♪
♪ And we just woke up in year 2020 ♪
- ♪ Roll another J and forget the day ♪
♪ Roll another J and get high ♪
♪ Roll another J and forget the day ♪
♪ Me and my brothers getting fried ♪
- ♪ The Freak Brothers ♪
[upbeat musical riff]
[knocking on door]
- Hey, uh, Gretch, can I ask you a favor?
- Make it quick, Franklin. I'm busy.
- [clears throat] Whoa, boy.
I inherited two things from my pappy:
one, keen sense of when a gal's still mad at me,
and the other, alcoholism.
- What do you want, Franklin?
- It's about a beloved structure.
- Did she tell you how to save our masturbation shack?
- Whoa!
- That better be your belt buckle up my ass.
- Oh, Jesus.
If you go to City Hall, the mayor
can issue an injunction
if the structure has historical significance.
- You want significance?
I'll show you significance!
I once jerked my joystick so many times
I wrote a book of jokes about it!
In fact--
- [claps]
If you would like to hear Phineas' book of splooze jokes
read by Stellan Skarsgard, please log on
to www.freaksjerkjokes.com.
Now back to our show. [claps]
- It was a number-one bestseller.
- Gretch, sure appreciate you helping us out.
I--I guess this means you may have
buried the proverbial hatchet.
[chuckles]
- That's racist, and we haven't.
- Let's go, fellas.
[funk music]
- I'll meet you guys at the mayor's office.
I--I gots to go peepee.
[urinating]
- [farts] Whoopsie.
[zips]
[grunting]
Hello. - Oh!
What the fuck is going on?
- Not much.
What's going on with you? - Huh.
You look familiar.
Do I know you?
- Ellen DeGeneres, Emmy-winning talk show host
who's adored by millions.
- Then--then why are you here, eyeing my root chute?
- I got myself a little canceled
by treating everyone who worked for me like a stinky turd.
- I--I'm in a bit of a rush, ma'am.
But if you're looking for a crap house hookup, uh--
- Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
When it comes to man-meat, I'm a strict vegetarian,
or pescatarian if you're into fishy vagina jokes.
Anyway, I love show biz,
and I wanna keep a toe in the game,
so now I'm a cock scout.
- Now it's starting to get weird.
- I scout dong for the movie industry,
and that third leg of yours is as long
as Rosie O'Donnell's pussy is fat.
Balls against the heel, please.
- Sorry, my bad.
- You're an 11 1/2.
I'm gonna go 12, just to be safe.
- You know, I once performed and filmed erotica.
But there is no way I'm jumping back on that bull again.
- This isn't porn. It's a studio picture
starring Timothée Chalamet.
- What the hell does that girly guy
have to do with my johnson?
- Timothée's in town to shoot a superhero movie
with a lot of nudity.
Working title: "Iron Hog."
- Oh. I'd see that.
- Timothée wants to do a full-frontal
'cause he knows that's what wins an Oscar.
But his penis--
- Ugh!
It looks like a piece of beef jerky
been left out in the rain.
- Yeah, it's a mess.
He took 40 tabs of ecstasy and fucked a car wash vacuum.
Anyway, since Chalamet's tool looks like a melted plum,
he needs a cock double. What do you say?
- I say I'm not looking for employment
at the present decade.
- Well, call if you change your mind.
If an assistant answers the phone crying,
you know you got the right number.
[grunting and singing]
♪ ♪
[somber music]
♪ ♪
- Yo, Freddy, how come we never take Christmas photos, huh?
- Yo, freak dudes.
The mayor will see you in a minute.
- Chuck and Charlie?
You guys work for John Mayer?
- We're Mayor Pimko's chiefs of staffs,
our chance to change the world.
- [laughs] Just fucking with you.
We get access to the city's confiscated drug room.
- We got a stroke shack that needs
a historical landmark sticker.
- Well, only our wise and exalted leader
can hand those out.
[dramatic music playing]
- I am Spider-Man, bitches.
- What the fuck?
I gotta lay off the breakfast shrooms.
- The mayor gave a tax break to the new Chalamet movie,
and in return, the studios offered him
a Spider-Man cameo.
- Very inclusive.
- We're gonna roll him off a building.
- Spider-Man, Spider-Man,
does whatever a quadriplegic
with one working finger can.
Call Dr. Goldfarb, you fucking idiots.
- He's the hero we deserve.
- Mr. Mayor, my colleagues and friends' cat
come to you with the urgent matter
of saving a beloved masturbatorium.
- What is in it for me?
- Well, we can offer you a lifetime membership
in the Whack of the Week Club.
- I prefer glory holes.
Give me cash.
- Are you suggesting a bribe?
- Are you wearing a wire?
- No. - Then yes.
- Mr. Mayor, I'm offended.
What you're suggesting is political corruption
at its worst.
- Pay up or fuck off.
[wheelchair beeping] Feeding time.
- Sorry, dudes. You gotta go.
- Today, His Highness will be having
steak au poivre, lightly braised bok choy,
and a Beaujolais '92.
- Get it down, Mr. Mayor.
Get it down.
Dudes, if you want your injunction,
you gotta be on, like, Indian burial grounds.
- Ooh, or an endangered species has to live there.
- Gentlemen, let's go bury an Injun.
- Or catch a dinosaur.
We have two great options.
- Just wanted to thank you for steering our posse
in the mayor's direction.
Say, could I maybe take you out for an adult beverage?
- I don't think I'm there yet, Franklin.
- And the superhero movie will be...
- Oh, I wanna hear this.
- And stars Hollywood heartthrob Timothée Chalamet.
- I don't know.
I'm just a regular kid
who wears blazers with no shirt
and spells Timothée with two E's and an accent
over the first E, just like the next guy.
Ha ha.
- Oh, my God.
I love Timothée.
- Oh, that twig boy? I know him.
- Wait you, like, know know him?
He'd be the perfect celebrity
to shine a light on the pink tax.
Women pay more for everyday items
like razor blades and stool softeners.
- Don't forget tampons.
Those gotta be expensive, all the work they do.
- Can you make an introduction?
- Well, I guess there is a long, slightly
curved path to that intro.
- Oh, my God, Franklin.
That'd be amazing.
- I'm honored to be showing more male nudity on screen.
People are gonna be, like, so impressed by what they see.
I'm talking about my dick, fam!
Yeah!
- Saddle up, Frank Jr. We're going back to the show.
- I knew you'd call.
The extra veiny ones always do.
- Say, would it be okay
if I invited a friend to the set?
- Sure, but no one can know
you're Chalamet's dingus double.
You signed an NDA.
Violate it, and you'll be killed.
I mean, you could go to jail, fucker.
Be kind.
- Well, what the hell do I tell people I do?
- You don't say anything.
You cram yourself into the bottom of this costume
and stick your King Kong ding dong out of that hole.
- How am I supposed to breathe?
- Through your dick, like the Hemsworth boys.
- Oh, is this him?
The kickstand cowboy!
Bring it in, bruh.
- Hey, your nipples are cold.
- Oh, thank you. I'm honored that you noticed.
I ice them.
Dame Judi Dench gave me that tip.
Oh, man.
Look at me, spilling tea.
I'm such a bitch.
Well, let's see Herman.
- Show Timmy Tim your meat hammer.
- Jeez.
Buy a fella a drink first.
[chuckles]
- My heart is literally racing.
Feel it.
We're gonna win an Oscar together.
- He can stir paint and hit a wiffle ball,
but he don't talk.
- So what's Pachanga mean in English?
"Take whitey's money"?
[laughs] I kid, I kid.
I like you, uh, Todd.
Todd? Wow.
Was not expecting Todd.
- Honey, you did not just hit on a 16 with a deuce showing.
Pssh.
- Sir, your cat can't smoke in here.
- Ah, so you let a cat in, you let me play blackjack,
but I can't smoke a stogie?
That's where you draw the line, Tonto?
- [coughs]
- So, Todd, .
I'm in the market for an elderly Indian
who's about to die.
I need to bury this Indigenous stiff
under my wanking wigwam.
- There's a finder's fee
if you don't mind jewelry that says
"Happy anniversary, Harper" on it.
- Fat man, you're showing a 10.
Hit that bad boy.
- Ugh.
- [grumbles]
- So where are we on that dead Indian?
[all yell]
- Timothée, I have the smallest of favors to ask.
- Favor? What's that?
- My friend Gretchen's visiting,
and she would love to meet you and tell you
about her charity.
- Listen, homey.
I already pledged to a ton of charities.
- You mean you donate?
- I pledge. Costs nothing.
[door creaks]
- Oh, she's heading this way now.
- Damn it, kickstand!
You can't be seen with me.
Nobody can know I have a dick double.
Get in the suit.
- Oh, hell.
Them Tarzan briefs don't cover nothing.
Ugh.
- Franklin?
Timothée.
Hi! So cool to meet you.
- Whoa, smoking bod much? Yum.
- So I'm Gretchen Ramos Morris.
My friend Franklin was gonna introduce us,
but I don't know where he is.
- You have great lips.
Can I watch you eat an orange?
Ah!
- Quit saying weird shit and just tell her
you'll do her charity thing.
- While she's eating the orange?
I wanna see her peel it too.
- God dang it.
Just tell her you think the pink tax is an outrage.
- Franklin told me about your pink thing.
I'm totally down to help. - Great!
I'll send you info on our charity event.
- Yes.
- Any idea where Franklin might be?
- No clue.
Well, time to do my part for nudity equity
and go shoot my big scene.
Now!
- Aw.
- Wow.
That--good luck with your big peen.
I mean, scenis.
I mean weenis.
I mean, Jesus Christ, that's a big cock.
- Luckily, the shards of glass that I removed from my scalp
didn't affect my superior brain.
- That's great, Phineas.
- Luckily, the shards of glass that I removed from my scalp
didn't affect my superior brain.
- That's great, Phineas.
- Ow. - Yow!
- What was that for?
- 'Cause I don't like you. - Oh.
That one had some stank on it.
- So I will now take this butterfly net,
sneak up on that gigantic endangered tiger,
and bring him back to our shack.
[tiger roaring]
- Dearly beloved, we are gathered here
because that motherfucker is gonna die.
- Oh, no. Phineas can't die!
Then I'll be the ugliest!
- Don't worry.
I brought just the thing
to lure one of these big boys
back to our place.
Rawr.
My ass.
- Oh, a seduction scene.
Good thing I brought my woodwind.
[playing saxophone]
- Freddy, go distract that one.
I'll get this one drooling upstairs and downstairs.
♪ ♪
- Hi. I am Freddy.
[growling]
Wanna play tag? You're it.
- Got you!
Ah, fuck!
- Well, he's distracted.
- Ah, fuck! [screaming]
- Oh.
Bring a bucket and a mop for this wet-ass pussy.
- You make sexy body.
- What the fuck did you say?
- You make my wee wee feel funny.
- Oh, that tiger inbred as hell.
Kitty don't do loopy. We out.
- Oh, but I didn't get to the bridge.
[playing saxophone]
- Got to wring this ball sweat outta my Stetson.
- Tex-Mex, back in the suit.
Chop, chop. - Yeah, what for?
We're done shooting for the day.
- I'm meeting that hot "Latinks" for coffee.
I'm gonna try to bone her!
I brought her a nectarine.
- My Gretchen?
The hell you are.
- You've hit that? Awesome!
We're gonna be bang brothers! Uh!
- I'm gonna bang you in the fucking head.
- Oh, you're funny, bruh.
And you're a great wingman.
Keep feeding me shit to say so I can cross
into her southern border.
- You're gonna keep that withered willy in your pants.
If you hand Gretchen one more piece of stone fruit, I quit.
- I don't think so, boo.
You signed an NDA.
You breathe a word to her,
and your ass goes straight to Alcatraz.
- Oh!
- To raise money for Sink the Pink,
I thought we could auction off
one of the shirts you never wear.
- Oh, your ass is straight fire.
- Oh, that's... direct. Thank you.
- Stop freestyling.
Now, just say "I know sometimes I can come off
"like a bit of a jackass, but I--
I sure hope you can see past that."
- Like a wandering calf.
When I'm around you, well, it's like I finally found my herd.
[moos]
- Wow.
That's so sweet and kind of unexpected.
- Yeah, well, I like cows and junk.
I like tipping them over.
They're so stupid. Hah!
- [laughs] You're funny, Timothée.
I'm really glad I got to meet the real you.
- Oh, my God.
How could this get any worse?
- [farts]
- Oh, don't breathe in. Breathe out.
- No, the Buddha fountain goes here.
- Are you guys still fighting over turning the shed
into a yoga studio or a dojo?
- Fighting? No!
Compromising? Yes.
- Really?
'Cause this looks like it's only a yoga studio.
- Camille, you're making it very hard
for me to lie to myself.
- Thank you so much for making things happen with Timothée.
- Just happy I could help you and your stinky pink.
So how about those aforementioned
adult beverages?
- I need to focus on seating for the event.
Timothée is gonna be my date.
- What? When did we say that?
- T-Chams and I have been texting.
To be honest, he's more charming and funny in person.
- He's not charming and funny anywhere.
Neither are his farts.
- I think he is.
I have a real connection with him.
- It's not with him.
That was with-- ah, I can't say.
I don't wanna end up in Alcatraz.
- Special delivery from Mr. Chalamet
for Ms. Latinks: our deluxe stone fruit basket.
Oh, no, the apricots!
- Franklin, pull up a crate
for some victory mac and cheese.
Freddy, goddamn it.
Of course you forgot the cheese.
- No, I didn't.
It's right here.
- That's the macaroni.
- That's your opinion.
- Oh, what's going on? Who's this?
- Meet Chief Jay Silverbone.
- Once again, I am not a chief.
I am a dental hygienist from Stockton.
- Some may see Chief Jay as a degenerate card counter,
but I saw his true potential.
You see, he's here to sell his mother-in-law's remains
for meth money.
- We're gonna bury her under the floorboards
and save our shack.
- See?
Good things do happen to good people.
- Booty call!
- Aw, fuck.
- What in holy hell?
- Halfwit here tracked my scent all the way back.
Ain't happening, dopey.
Go eat some paste!
- [growls]
- No, bad mentally challenged tiger!
Stop!
At least leave me a foot!
- [screaming]
- We only have one more week in our beloved shack.
We need to cherish every last minute of it.
- Alone, Freddy. Alone.
- Losing this shack may be the single worst thing
that's ever happened to anyone!
And that includes Chief Jay Tigermeal.
- Ain't that one of the chief's toes right there?
Can't we bury that?
- Oh, Kitty, that's not a toe.
It's a macaroni.
[chewing]
Nope, that's a toe. [gulps]
- On top of that, I gotta spend another day
sweet-talking Gretchen into the hairless arms
of Timothée Chevrolet.
- Why don't--why don't you just tell Gretchen
those were your words?
- I can't.
I signed an NWA.
They could put me in prison for 10 years.
- I'm no lawyer, but that sounds completely right to me.
- Hey, gang. New plan.
The demo happens tomorrow.
- You heard the man.
Whack time!
- Knock it off, chub-tugger.
- So get your crap out of here by tomorrow,
or it's getting torched.
Jesus, God, this place smells like Satan's asshole.
- I know you meant that as a knock,
but "Satan's asshole" happens to be
the name of my favorite porno,
starring our very own Franklin Freak.
- Hey, I catered that bitch.
Also held up the damn boom mic.
- You were in "Satan's Asshole?"
I cited that porn noir in my thesis
on avant-garde filmmaking.
It's a cult classic.
That landmark film is a piece of history.
- All right, let's go before he pulls his dick out again.
- Whoo!
- Wait a minute. That's it!
Franklin, you filmed that scene right in this shack, yes?
- Director Rob Jammer paid us in acid tabs,
if you recall. [chuckles]
- I do not recall getting any LSD.
Where's my cut?
I worked boom for points.
- This timeless cinematic artifact
could save our beat-off barn.
- To the freakmobile!
- He knows we don't have a car, right?
- Boy's just sitting on a picnic table,
digging in his pocket for keys.
[car honks, tires screech]
What the fuck?
- [moaning]
- This tour de force was filmed in our shack.
That makes it a historic landmark.
And fun fact, this porno marks Linda Lovejuice's
titular performance.
I don't know what that word means,
but she blew a horse.
- Too bad the sound quality was so terrible.
- The fuck you want from me?
I was holding that boom up for hours
because that horse couldn't get wood.
- This is the part where I go out for smokes,
come back to find my girl in bed
with a pizza delivery horse.
So I join in.
[horse neighing]
- I recognize that cock.
- The man or the Clydesdale, sir?
- That's the stunt cock from "Iron Hog."
The mayor gets all the dailies whenever they involve cocks.
- Same cock, same cock, same cock.
- Are you dudes trying to blackmail us?
- Blackmail? What are you talking about?
- You're saying you'll tell the world
that Chalamet uses a cock double,
the movie will shut down,
and the mayor will lose millions in tax revenue?
- And his cameo?
- They're rolling him off a building.
- I am Spider-Man, bitches.
- Stop wasting our time!
I'm showing you equestrian erotica.
- Dumbass, he just told you how to save the shed.
- Kitty, please. Phineas is working.
- You guys have us over a barrel.
- Wait a minute!
Brainstorm.
Give us what we want, or we blab.
- We already said we're doing that.
- Checkmate!
- You just got Phineas-ed, fuckers.
♪ ♪
- To 60 more beautiful years of shack-jacking.
all: Shack-jacking!
- Come on, Franklin. We're celebrating.
- What in God's name do I have to celebrate?
[photos snapping]
- Poor Franklin.
First the pizza delivery horse, now this shirtless jerk.
Women.
- Thank you, thank you. Spread love.
- It's nice to see Gretchen so happy.
She deserves it.
That skinny boy getting his dick sucked tonight.
- Miss Ramos Morris, what do you think about the courage
Mr. Chalamet has displayed by baring
so much of himself onscreen?
- I think that Timothée's insistence on bringing
full frontal ample male nudity to cinema
is gonna help women pay less for laxatives.
- Word. I'm packing heat, son!
Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho!
[photos snapping]
[tense music]
- Pecker fraud!
- [screams] - [gasps]
- [vomiting]
- What is that?
- [laughs]
- Oh, ain't nobody putting their mouth on that.
- [screams]
[photos snapping]
- Yeah.
Now that we got old raisin dick out of our lives,
how about that drink?
- Franklin, you lied to me.
- What?
Just because I was pretending to be another man's dick
and making you think my words were his?
- Yeah, that.
- You--you call that lying?
I call that courting.
You gotta admit, we did have a moment there.
- You're right, Franklin. We did connect.
And you are one of the big ones--the good ones.
But I think the best version of us is friends.
- Ah--all right, friends it is.
But that don't mean I'm giving up.
I mean, I'll be like an old crow sitting on a wire,
waiting to swoop down on the carcass
of a run-over possum.
I don't know if that's the best analogy.
Anyway, all right.
Friends--friends it is.
- That's sweet, Franklin.
- No, don't do it! - Huh?
- I tried to save you, shacky.
I had a beautiful plan in place,
but Franklin fucked it up.
Say your goodbyes, Freddy!
- That motherfucker Krazy-glued himself to the shack.
At least, I hope it's Krazy Glue
and not Krazy goo.
Share your favorite come puns with us
at www.freaksjerkjokes.com.
- Now I get it.
You need mac and cheese.
I always thought it was mac or cheese.
They need to put that on the box.
- Come on, Freddy. Let's try to peel him off.
- [groaning]
- Okay, I think we scared them enough.
The building inspector said there's
so much toxic DNA,
it would cost millions to make it habitable.
- So the shack is yours, gentlemen.
Whack away.
- The good guys win again!
- Don't ever let anyone tell you
hard work doesn't pay off.
[rocket whooshes] [yells]
- Nobody blackmails me.
You just got Pimko'd, bitches.
[upbeat music]
- ♪ P-I-M to the K-O ♪
♪ Bob got that mad robot flow ♪
♪ He need to spin to use his little crumpled dick ♪
♪ So, baby, you want some, bring a Popsicle stick ♪
♪ Baby got back, Pimko got chair ♪
♪ He's running shit, mess with him if you dare ♪
♪ Bitches love Pimko he ain't no wuss ♪
♪ Because he building access ramps ♪
♪ Straight up in they pussy ♪
♪ I'm the mayor, bitch ♪
♪ Snitches get stitches ♪
♪ ♪
♪ P-I-M to the K-O ♪
♪ Big P-I-M-P for sho ♪
♪ He's the mayor, the boss, the head honcho ♪
♪ Grease up the wheels because it's time to roll ♪
♪ I got swagger to pimp because I'm P to the imko ♪
♪ Got to give the disabled rights and I'm here to show ♪
♪ You can run shit from a chair, I got flow ♪
♪ That's right 'cause I'm P to the imko ♪
♪ I'm the mayor, bitch ♪