[upbeat music]
- [inhales deeply]
So, boys, what's our schedule for today?
- What day is it? - I believe it's a Monday.
- I mean, every day's the same for us.
Wake up, get high, eat, get high, nap, wake up,
get high, eat, get high, brush our teeth
time permitting, then sleep.
- You know, Franklin, when I hear you reduce
our lives to a simple, unambitious routine,
it makes me proud beyond words.
- Only hitch in our giddyap is how to pay for it all.
I mean, we can't have a job with hour packed schedule.
- Or with our refusal to get jobs.
- Food's free if we take it from upstairs
when no one's looking. - But what about weed?
Weed is expensive.
- I'm telling you, we'd be set for life
if I could sell my idea for wearable weed.
Clothes made of cannabis cloth.
THC seeps into your skin and gets you high as fuck.
- To turn an idea like that into cold cash
would take a lot of hard work. - Hard work? I quit.
- Me too. - Yeah, me three.
And that, gentlemen, is naptime.
[all snoring]
- ♪ Good, mm-hmm ♪
♪ Three brothers puffin' ♪
♪ And we just woke up in year 2020 ♪
- ♪ Roll another J and forget the day ♪
♪ Roll another J and get high ♪
♪ Roll another J and forget the day ♪
♪ Me and my brothers getting fried ♪
- ♪ The Freak Brothers ♪
[all snoring]
- Freddy, Freddy, yo!
Freddy, we gotta talk.
Wake the fuck up!
Ooh, I know.
- Salt and vinegar kettle cooked
with a hit of cracked black pepper!
- Listen up, we got a problem. I'm late.
- Late schmate,
we just started napping five minutes ago.
Here. - Not late for my nap, dumbass.
Late for my period. I could be pregnant!
- Oh, wow, kitty,
I just have one important question.
Are you gonna finish those chips?
[upbeat music]
♪ ♪
- Okay, Mr. Chang, please just try to relax.
We're almost there.
- If I could relax, I wouldn't need you
to drive me 80 miles to hug a cow!
Gah, gah, gah, gah! [groans]
- Mm-hmm, yeah, that's good. Let it out.
- Hugging a therapy cow
is the only thing that eases Dennis Chang's anxiety!
[people chanting indistinctly] [tires screech]
- Moo means no, moo means no.
- What the hell is this?
- What the fuck do these Jesus freaks
have against cow hugging?
And who's their leader with the complexion to die for?
- Oh, great, that's Kirk Cameron,
former teen sitcom star turned Christian morality police.
- Never heard of him.
Father did not allow television!
- Cameron's Christian Crusaders AKA the CCC
have been trying to stop Noah's research at Berkeley.
- Hi, I'm Kirk. No more hugging cows, 'kay?
It's a gateway to bestiality.
- It's approved therapy for anxiety.
- First you hug them, then you open mouth kiss them,
then you mount them from behind and thrust
until the cows come.
- You mean until the cows come home.
- No, ma'am, I do not.
You, sir, are a sinner. You lie with the beast.
- I do it standing up, gorgeous.
- You're sick. - You peaked at 17.
- You must repent.
- You must give me the name of your facialist.
- No, never.
[ball pops] - [screams]
♪ ♪
- Ah, I was saving the Kobe beef sliders
for Pictionary league.
- You need to learn to share.
- This ain't the first time I've been late.
Wasn't nothing then. Probably nothing now.
That's just stress eating!
Don't look at me like that.
- Okay, Mr. Chang, have a seat.
Uh, why don't I fix you a cup of your expensive soba-cha tea
you won't reimburse me for. - No tea, want cow!
- What's wrong with this fucking guy?
- Anxiety. Be nice.
Get this, Kirk Cameron's Christian Crusader's group
shut down Dennis' cow hugging therapy.
- [growls and screams]
- So you hug a cow
and it stops you spazzing out like that?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Well, hell, if you need to hug something
slow and fat that has four stomachs,
wrap your arms around old Freddy here.
[chuckles]
- [mooing]
- Oh, my--what the hell? He's sweating like a pig.
Ew! - That's not sweat.
- Oh, God, don't tell us what it is.
- Piss, come, and bong water.
- [screams] Oh, God!
Dennis Chang needs a new shirt!
- Oh, I'll go grab one of Noah's.
- You need to chill out, man. - I suffer from anxiety.
Can't just chill out, not without some help.
- Oh, I think we can help.
♪ ♪
- Let my soothing voice guide you.
That's it. Inhale the smoke.
Now gently remove the carb.
- There's nothing like seeing a weed virgin
pop his cannabis cherry. - [coughs]
- Like watching a 10-year-old me.
- [coughs] Oh, oh.
I gotta say, fellas, I feel fucked up,
but I don't feel anxious. - Listen, rook.
You play on team ganja, you gotta share the ball.
- General Chang, my cat just asked for you
to pass the bong.
- My apologies, Fat Freddy's cat.
- Kitty, are you sure it's okay
to smoke in your condition?
- Hey, my mama smoked when she was pregnant.
I didn't pop out with six tails and no asshole.
[inhales deeply]
- I don't know what Kitty is saying,
but I know she is very wise.
Tanks, yeah-yah!
[laughs]
[laughter]
- I don't know what the fuck that means, but it's funny.
- Yeah. [chuckles]
- It's a catchphrase. It doesn't have to make sense.
It's my bazinga.
[together] Tanks, yeah-yah!
[laughter]
- Anyone else craving junk food?
I'd kill for a chicken bacon ranch quesadilla.
- That depends. You got a credit card?
- Tanks, yeah-yah!
[laughter]
- That's not gonna get old fast.
♪ ♪
- Stay close to Freddy. He knows what he's doing.
- [slurps]
[sniffing]
You gotta be careful. This cheese is hot!
You could burn your mouth. Never, ever do this.
Oh, it burns! It burns!
[laughter]
Here, you try.
- Oh, what's that guy looking at.
Never seen four bong bros getting their munch on?
Hey, man, you're weak tons. We're weak nones!
[laughter]
- PF Changers, it takes most stoners years
to invent their own nonsensical language,
but you did it in an hour.
- Ah!
- Hey, Freddy, look at all these rubbers.
Why doesn't anyone make condoms for pets?
We fuck way more than y'all do.
- Oh, let me ask.
Does anyone know why they don't make condoms for pets?
- Pet condoms.
Did you just come up with that now?
- Don't be ridiculous. My cat did.
That is the most genius idea I have ever heard!
Tanks, yeah-yah!
[laughter]
[sobbing]
[laughs] Shit.
Rapid mood swings. That doesn't mean anything.
[laughing and sobbing]
- Where the fuck are they?
The one time they leave the house all week,
they kidnap my boss?
- Out of my way, fucktards! I gotta take a pregnant test.
- Where the hell is Dennis Chang?
- Everything's groovy.
We all got high, went out for munchies.
- Where is Dennis Chang?
- Dennis Chang is in a place called enlightenment.
- Where anxiety does not reside.
- Well, I'm just glad you're okay.
- Harper, Harper, Harper, you have been nagging me
to make you a project manager for a revolutionary new idea.
Well, you've got the green light!
What do you say? - Uh, I don't know. Thanks?
- You mean...
[together] Tanks, yeah-yah!
- This really is pretty great.
I promise you, my encryption idea--
- No! Encryption has a red light.
Green light is for pet condoms. - For what?
- Rubbers that go on a cat's wee-wee.
Kitty thought of it. - His cat thought of it.
You're in charge! - But--
- Pet condoms are a go.
These friends of yours are geniuses.
Tanks, yeah-yah!
[together] Tanks, yeah-yah!
- What the fuck does that even mean?
[upbeat music]
- Smoke? - Don't mind if I doobie.
[inhales deeply] - [laughs]
That's funny. Refill.
- Hold it in, weenis. - Hold it, hold it.
- Tanks, yeah-- [coughing]
- Sup, Harp? Want a hit?
- No, we're running low!
- Check Weedmaps to find some of that sweet Mary Jane.
- Open. Order.
Done.
Hey, Harp, you want some gummy gummy
for your tummy tummy? You can pay me back.
- Thank you, no.
I'm actually working on your amazing pet condom idea.
Need to keep a clear head.
- Oh, you kidding, Switz?
Since I started toking,
my judgement's never been sharper.
Oh, by the way, guys, you maxed out my gold card,
so here's a ChangCo platinum with no limit.
- Do prostitutes accept ChangCo platinum?
I'm just asking for a friend.
- [grunting] - What are you doing?
- You mean am I twerking hard? - Or hardly twerking?
[together] Twerking hard or hardly twerking?
Twerking hard or hardly twerking?
Twerking hard or--
- Listen, Harper, I sent a purchase order
to Hemp Depot for 50 pounds of pot cloth
for my wearable weed idea-- or was it 50 tons?
Anyways, I singed your name. Is that cool?
- This is unacceptable workplace behavior.
No, no, no! - You're right.
So me and my bong bros are going to play 18 holes
at my country club! - Your club?
You've never even taken me.
- You don't know how to play golf.
- They don't know how to use a fork and knife.
- That's not true.
I scratch my back with your forks every day.
- My mother's silver.
♪ ♪
- I need medical advice.
I am a cat.
- Okay, a cat, how can I help you?
- I think I'm pregnant. - Got it.
It is my opinion that you are pregnant, a cat.
- Holy shit!
- Oh, great, Freddy's cat is using my computer.
She either breached my firewall or guessed my password.
- It's still Hillary2016. You gotta move on, girl.
♪ ♪
- I feel like a fancy prince.
- You look Snow White's eighth dorf, Obesey.
- Ah, let me pull the perfect club for you.
- Yeah, boy!
Pass the pipe of life. Chang needs the kind kind!
[inhales deeply]
- Guys, look! I found a beach.
Oh.
And a egg!
- I love golf. The gentleman's game.
Butt licker!
Tit, fart, twat, whore!
- [screams]
- ♪ With my pistol point cocked ♪
♪ Ringaling, shots nonstop ♪
- Pace of play, motherfuckers.
- He motherfuckered in my backswing.
Those first eight shots don't count.
- Well, if it isn't my arch nemesis, ScHoolboy Q.
- Oh, nemesis implies a rivalry.
Bro, I'm prettier than you, richer than you,
and I won the last three club championship.
Learn your dictionary, boy. - Not richer for long.
Chang's about to make beaucoup cheddar
thanks to these three brains.
- They have a ball washer here.
Oh, ooh, oh.
- That's not proper course etiquette, Q.
Want me to call the marshal?
- No, I don't want you to snitch.
Just cause we're at a wealthy white country club
don't mean we abandon our values, bro.
- You see, Mr. Q, we're about to blow up the pet sector
with a top secret new product! - You mean pet condoms?
- Shit, Chang, I'm in the pet game too, fool.
But unlike you, I got a winner.
T-Square, bring me my bulls. - [whistles]
- Yo, check it out. Meet Mother and Fucker.
Both wearing my hip-hop swag for dogs, dog.
- Sporty and functional.
Equally at home at the club or in the club.
- Fuck, that's a crackerjack idea too.
- Too bad you won't be at Pet Expo
to watch me take home the Golden Biscuit Award
for best new product.
- Except it'll be you watching us.
Just give us the date of this Pet Expo,
and we'll be there. We might need a ride.
- One week from today.
- Also known as you're fucked, you lose,
your ass is barbecued.
- Damn it, next week does sound soon.
- It'll be fine once Harper gets off her ass.
We'll be there, suckers.
- Let's go to the next ride.
- My solid gold golf cart!
- Oh, why does that keep happening to ScHoolboy Q?
That motherfucker's got the worst luck.
[protestors chanting] Nay, nay, no, no,
sex before marriage makes a panda a ho.
- Mr. Cameron, my research examines the affects
of romantic music on endangered pandas
that are reluctant to reproduce.
- Any premarital fornication is a sin!
The Bible is very clear on this.
♪ ♪
- Pleasure doing business with you.
This Algae Sugar Kush is gonna help you
get some of that night-night.
- William Goat, back here now.
- I'm not cut out to be a mom. How do you do it all?
- By the hair on my chinny motherfucking chin, that's how.
I'm so tired at the end of the day,
I can barely eat trash.
- You know what I'm most afraid of losing?
My me time.
- Oh, you can kiss that goodbye.
I just cancelled my Hulu subscription.
- Oh, shit, goat, that's rough.
- I don't know what I'd do if I couldn't afford help.
- You're holding him wrong, dude.
You gotta support his fucking fontanelle.
- Oh, don't question my parenting skills, cunt lips!
[soft dramatic music]
- [groans]
- Oopsie, looks like someone got caught
taking a petite siesta. - What? No, uh-uh.
I've been going over the schedule.
I mean, I think maybe-- maybe we can have a prototype
in six months. - Good!
Now subtract five months and three weeks.
We're coming out at Pet Expo in six days.
- Changers is gonna win himself a golden biscuit.
- Six days? That's impossible.
- Harper, are you weak tons?
- No, I don't think so. - Then figure it out.
Or I'll figure you out the door!
And let us say tanks...
[together] Yeah-yah!
[phone rumbles]
But, ah, Chang-Chang ordered some kind kind
on Weedmaps, and my delivery guy is here.
[inhales deeply]
Yo. - Long day.
You wanna take a puff?
- I can't get this done in time,
and if I don't, Chang is gonna fire me.
- Oh, man. Dibs on your office.
- [sighs]
I have worked too long and too hard at this company
for things to end like this, so I n--n--
I need your help.
- Harp's in serious trouble, guys.
We might actually have to do some wo--wo--
work. - [inhales]
What the fuck she think we've been doing?
- No, I mean real work.
No napping, no snacking, no whacking.
- What? That's insane, man.
- Tomorrow morning,
for the first time in our lives,
we will wake up early and go to wo--work.
[all snoring]
[alarm blaring]
- Time to wake up.
- Yep. - [gasps]
Time to go to work. - Uh-huh.
- Fuck.
Who are we kidding?
We're never gonna work and have jobs.
- No, I reckon we ain't.
Thing is, though, Harper's counting on us.
We promised.
- Wouldn't be the first time we broke a promise.
- Life is hard, bitches.
It comes at you fast and throws you curves.
Take some damn responsibility. [sighs]
'Cause it ain't just your sorry selves
who are counting on you now.
- I hear that, Kitty.
So let's go back to sleep, have lunch,
then help Harper with the pet condoms
after our nap.
- Y'all gotta let that pet condom bullshit
die already.
I was high as fuck when I thought that up.
- Well, ain't that a kick in the nuts.
Now that Kitty's sober, she thinks pet condoms
are a bad idea.
- Well, everything does sound better
when you're high.
Come to think of it, Chang was high as a kite
when he heard it.
Why else would he be investing in one of our ideas?
- 'Cause we're idea men. - Not good idea men.
Guys, the only way Harper wins the Golden Biscuit
and keeps her job is if--
- If everyone at the Pet Expo
is as stoned out of their minds as we always are.
- Or if everyone at the Pet Expo
is as stoned out of their minds as we always are.
[upbeat music]
- Ladies and gentlemen,
please give a big Pet Expo welcome
to ScHoolboy Q and his Dope Paws.
- Hey, yo, what's cracking, Pet Expo?
Welcome to the future of hip-hop's pet swag.
[cheers and applause]
♪ You say you're weak nones, but you're really weak tons ♪
♪ Golden Biscuit's looking good ♪
♪ And my man struggles ♪
Bitch.
[cheers and applause]
- Now that's some catchy hippity hop.
I mean, he's gonna be tough to beat.
- That's why we brought an unfair advantage.
We gotta get everybody into these weed shirts
before our presentation.
- Get your T-shirts! Free weed-laced T-shirts!
I mean, normal T-shirts that won't get you super high!
- Oh, my God, I can't wait to meet Doug the Pug.
He's, like, the biggest canine influencer on the 'Gram.
- Hey, uh, Chomsky,
normally, I would never come to you for advice.
I was wondering if you knew any place
a cat could take care of a little problem.
- [gasps] Oh, thank God.
Finally, I know a great guy.
But unfortunately we'd have to cross state lines
to see him. - Oh, damn.
He's a back alley guy?
- Sadly, they took away his license
after an unfortunate mishap with a pair of shears.
- Shears?
What the fuck you talking about?
- You want a groomer
who can take care of your little problem, no?
- I'm talking about getting rid of an unwanted pregnancy
you toffee-nosed, tiny skull little bitch.
- Oh, well, you could still use a teddy bear cut
and a flea bath, trust.
♪ ♪
- Dude, do you feel high right now?
- Of course.
- No, I mean, like, more than usual, even for us?
Does something seem off?
- Mm, no. Everything seems normal to me.
- Good, great. Ribbit.
- Awesome.
Quack.
- You guys ready to eat that Golden Biscuit?
[imitates eating loudly]
- I wish I had a cow to hug.
- That ScHoolboy Q motherfucker's
got nothing on us.
Let's do this, bitch! - Do what?
We don't even have a prototype.
- You need to relax, Harpsichord.
Trust us. - Yeah.
Have we ever let you down?
Now kick me in the balls to pump me up.
- Perfect. No notes.
- And now please welcome-- wait, this can't be right.
Uh, Pet Condoms?
- What up, San Francisco?
How many times has this happened to you?
Your dog likes to fuck,
but you don't want all those puppies.
- But you also don't want to cockblock man's best friend.
If only there was a solution.
- And there is!
Smile and stop talking
before you say something stupid, Freddy.
- Rubbers for your dog's dick!
End of presentation.
- Oh, I want one! - Best idea in history!
- Rock on! - I like that a lot!
- That was the greatest thing I've ever seen.
Ribbit. - Pet condoms rule.
Quack. - Sign my baby!
- The audience has spoken!
This year's Golden Biscuit goes to Dennis "Bang Bang" Chang
for Pet Condoms.
- Yes! Tanks, yeah-yah!
Oh, oh, yeah, oh, oh. In your face!
- Ah, damn. - Don't worry, Q.
You can't eat that biscuit anyway.
I tried.
- Chang Chang fingerbang suck my wang.
I win, bring it in! A-team!
Where my boys at? Chang chang, bang, bang!
Fuck, I'm high. Eh, tanks, no.
- Thank y'all so much, but we can't take credit.
- You crazy? Of course we can.
- 'Cause the truth is, well, we didn't do much of anything.
This here award belongs to the smartest,
most talented, hottest-- I mean, talented--hold up.
This lady-- Harper!
Come get your biscuit. - Wow, you guys.
Come on, oh, thank you.
This is a really special--oh. - Hey, heathens!
Good afternoon.
I am former teen idol Kirk Cameron,
and the Bible says premarital sex
between animals is a sin! Release the locusts!
[locusts buzzing]
[laughs]
A plague on all your houses!
♪ ♪
- Whew-whee, thank the good Lord
no more work for us.
- Yeah, watching Chang flatline
really showed me that nothing good
comes from having a job.
- Huh, this is really taking the edge off the locust bites.
- Well, boys, I gotta hand it to you.
Chang made me acting CEO while he's in rehab.
- And the pet condom idea? - Oh, that's dead.
We ran a focus group, and it turns out
most people don't want to put a rubber on their pet's dick.
- Fucking cowards.
- Anyways, thank you, guys, for stepping up for me.
But if you ever come anywhere near ChangCo again,
I will put your balls in the Vitamix
and set it to puree.
- You have our word that we will never work again.
- [sighs] Wow, what a week.
I need to unwind. - [inhales]
I suppose you could go to one of them lady yoga classes
or-- - Give me that.
[inhales] Tanks, yeah-yah!
- Yeah! - Ooh, yeah!
- Whoo, go Harper! - Go Harper!
- Guess who's got two paws
and is shedding her uterine lining.
This bitch! [laughs]
♪ I got my period ♪
♪ I'm not pregnant ♪
♪ Praise the Lord in heaven ♪
Pass that dutchy, bitch.
Oh, yeah, that's the good stuff.
Come to not mama. [coughs]
Yes.
♪ ♪
- Hold it.
- Hold it in, weenis.
- Hold it.
- Tanks, yeah-- [coughing]
[together] Tanks, yeah-yah!
- The fuck does that mean?
- [coughs]
[together] Tanks, yeah-yah!
♪ ♪
- You mean am I twerking hard? - Or hardly twerking?
[together] Twerking hard or hardly twerking?
Twerking hard or hardly twerking?
[together] Tanks, yeah-yah!
Tanks, yeah-yah!
- What the fuck does that mean?
Tanks, yeah-- [coughing]
[together] Tanks, yeah-yah!