[upbeat music]
- [snoring]
- Fat Freddy, wake your fat ass up!
- Boing! - [grunts]
Who's excited?
Only 24 hours until the most holiest of days:
Cinco de Asshole!
- Oh, right. Ho, ho, ho.
- Ah, feels like we just put away our asshole decorations.
- Guys, it's the fifth day of the month.
That means we get to curse all the assholes
who disrespected us.
Keep the fires of hatred burning bright!
- You mean disrespected you.
- Hey, any asshole of mine is an asshole of yours.
Got your nominations ready?
- Eh, tell you the truth, Phin,
this one kind of crept up on me.
- And now I'll creep up on you!
- Put me down! Put me down!
You don't creep up on someone when they're facing you!
It defeats the purpose!
- Oh, sure, you get out of your seat for that bullshit.
All I've had to eat are two crickets and my own fur.
Feed me!
- What the hell is wrong with you guys?
This day only comes around 12 times a year!
- Well, I'm just saying, maybe we should move past that
and focus on something positive.
- We're not "something positive" guys.
We're "sit around, get high,
and bitch about the world" guys.
I'm leaving before you ruin my festive mood!
- ♪ Good, mm-hmm ♪
♪ Three brothers puffin' ♪
♪ And we just woke up in year 2020 ♪
- ♪ Roll another J and forget the day ♪
♪ Roll another J and get high ♪
♪ Roll another J and forget the day ♪
♪ Me and my brothers getting fried ♪
- ♪ The Freak Brothers ♪
- Canned cat food again?
Fuck that slop.
You know, Fred, I've been watching
a lot of cooking shows.
I could be a great chef.
Follow my lead.
We'll Ratatouille this bitch.
We're making chicken tacos with jalapeño cheese sauce
on a corn tortilla.
Mmm, mmm, good.
- Aye, aye, Captain!
You say, jump, and I'll say, that hurts my knees.
- You get started on the knife work.
[light music]
♪ ♪
[metallic clanging]
- [yelping]
You idiots, you're giving me flashbacks
to my trip to Thailand.
- Now put that shit in the pot.
You're on fire, fat man.
- Thanks, Kitty.
I think I'm getting the hang of this.
- No. You're on fire.
- [screams]
- Saw that shit coming.
- I nominate Mr. Malouf, my 12th grade band teacher.
He made me second triangle.
Think about what my life could have been
if I was first triangle.
You, sir, are a fucking asshole.
Ow, my thumb!
Why did I choose such a difficult instrument?
- Hey, what you up to, Gretch?
- Not much.
My friend Mark's coming over to discuss
this homeless initiative I'm helping him with.
- Mark who?
- Oh, just...[chuckles] You know...
[coughs] Mark Zuckerberg.
- Oh! - Mark Zuckerberg?
- The Mark Zuckerberg?
- He's building this amazing Megashelter
that has the potential to literally end homelessness.
- Oh, that's great, Gretch.
Anyone who picks you for their team is doing something right.
- Thank you, Franklin.
- Right, right.
So Mark Zuckerberg is coming over when?
[doorbell rings] - Uh, now.
- I got it. - No, I got it.
No, I have got the door.
- Hello, Gretchen, as I believe they say.
[chuckles awkwardly]
Oh, how rude of me.
I am Mark E-period Zuckerberg.
The E-period stands for Elliot, no period.
- Ugh, five seconds, and I already don't like this guy.
- Eh, Franklin Freek.
No commas, periods, or question marks.
- [smooches] Mr. Zuckerberg,
we didn't know anyone was coming over,
but welcome to our humble, humble, humble, humble...
- Honey, you're skipping.
- Home. Thank you.
I couldn't get out of that.
Take a picture.
- So nice to meet you all.
[chuckles awkwardly] I am Mark E-period Zuckerberg.
The E stands for--
- Enough! We get it!
Nice haircut, by the way.
That come with a free bowl of soup?
[groans]
Ow, my nose!
- [sniffs] My olfactory senses are stimulated.
I detect... [snorts awkwardly]
Deliciousness.
Man, cat, food.
My algorithm informs me
this is a highly desirable combination.
[sputtering]
May I sample your nutriments?
- Of course. Eat whatever you want.
- Take the fridge. We don't need it.
- [slurps]
Bah! Bah! Bah!
Deli-i-cious.
- That's the freshly chopped microwave.
- Say, I'm using local chefs at my Megashelter event.
How would you mammals like to cook there?
- This is my big break, Freddy.
That freckled-faced motherfucker
got more money than God.
- And you'll be cooking this:
Meat-a-Verse Meat,
lab-grown beef that will end the slaughter of animals.
Isn't that nice?
- Meat? That looks like shit.
But we're in.
- Kitty says we're in.
- I would like to invite all of you
to the opening of my Megashelter this Friday.
- We'll be there. Can we bring anything?
- Résumés, perhaps? [chuckles]
- What about you, man in cowboy hat?
- I'll be there with spurs on--
my fancy ones.
- Bah! Bah! Bah! Bah! Bah! Bah!
Wonderful.
- What's taking so long?
It's just a casual affair.
- I know it's casual.
Why do you think my bow tie is red?
- [chuckles] You're so naughty.
- Remember, we address each other as Chef.
OK, Chef?
- You got it, Kitty.
- This is gonna be a long night.
- Grab your bell-bottoms and light a fatty,
'cause it's Cinco de Ass--
what's going on?
- Kitty and I are professional chefs.
- Sorry, man.
Mark Z. invited me to this shindig,
so I have to take a Cinco de Rain Check.
- What kind of friends would leave a guy alone
on Cinco de Asshole, huh?
Don't you want to get high and stew in healthy hatred?
- You're living in a fantasy world, man.
Let it go.
- Leave! Who needs you?
You all just made the list.
Asshole, cat asshole, fat asshole.
♪ ♪
- Behold, these homeless layabouts
are now off the streets
and safely pacified by the wonders of virtual reality.
[sputtering]
- Everyone looks real happy and well-fed.
What are they seeing in their googly goggles?
- We scan their minds
and deliver a tailor-made fantasy experience--
another of my many disruptive technologies.
[sputtering]
- You're a disruptor.
He's a total disruptor.
- This is a live feed of their neural activity.
These goggles are letting this man live his ideal life
in the Metaverse.
- Honey, I'm home.
- I'm so glad you're not a heroin-addicted
degenerate gambler anymore...
and that you have a huge penis.
- You're really improving their lives there, Zuck.
I mean, you're not just giving them a pillow
and a place to poop.
- Very astute, Franklin.
You're a credit to people who didn't go to Harvard.
[sputtering]
- And Bravo, Mayor Pimko, for your decision to award
this wonderful man the key to the city.
- Boss man, this place is our answer
to the homeless problemo.
- We pushed you six blocks,
and your wheels are still mucho cleano.
- You didn't roll through one pile of bum shit.
- I'm riding this motherfucker to the White House.
Pimko 2024, baby.
[spits] - Uh-oh, uh-oh.
- Oh! - Bib me, Chuck.
- Fire in the hole!
- Huh.
Mary Tyler Moore, queen of the assholes.
The year was 1967.
She was eating clam chowder on the wharf.
I politely offered my opinion that she could
possibly use bigger tits, and she said,
this man's bothering me.
I don't feel safe.
I should have dumped her clam chowder on her hands
when I had the fucking chance.
[door clicks open]
Ladies.
What a pleasant surprise.
- This is Jen and Kara.
They're here for a sleepover.
- You couldn't have picked a better night.
Happy Cinco de A-hole.
- Excuse me?
- I'm saying A-hole
because swearing in front of kids is shitty.
- We know what A-hole means.
- Whoa, Camille, keep it clean.
This is a party.
- You're by yourself.
- Not anymore.
Ladies, let me show you the best four-hour slide show
you'll ever see.
- Ugh.
- Welcome to hell.
- And our last asshole before the intermission
is Wilt Chamberlain.
Questions, girls?
- [grumbles, burps] Pardon.
- Ugh.
♪ ♪
Hey, old-timer.
At least your friends didn't abandon you.
- [coughing]
- Well said, my friend.
This world's full of assholes, don't you think?
- [hocks loogie]
I don't know, I try to keep a positive outlook.
[urine trickling]
- Nice.
[zipper zips] [engine rumbling]
- There's that damn Megashelter bus.
I ain't gettin' on.
[hocks loogie]
- Free Megashelter headsets.
- Hey, that's pretty.
- Here you go, Piss Pants.
- What the fuck?
Guys, you're being brainwashed!
I'm coming with you.
I got to tell my asshole friends
this Zuckerberg isn't on the up-and-up.
- Quiet.
I'm getting a handy from Kelly Ripa.
[indistinct chatter]
- This is some fine shindig.
And good on you for treating these filthy hobos
with dignity.
- Dignity is my middle name.
Just kidding. It's--
both: Elliot. We know.
- Seasoning pass, Chef.
- Sí, señorita.
- Salt.
Pepper.
Salsa.
[salsa music]
- [vocalizing]
♪ ♪
And now dip me.
[grunts]
- [yowling]
I'll get some more fake meat from the walk-in.
[vocalizing]
- I'm Gordon Ramsay,
and I want to know which fucking chef had the balls
to serve this fucking dish!
- [stammering]
- Because it is fucking delicious,
you cheeky little fucker!
- I've never been called little.
- I want to introduce you to some posh people,
you fucking wanker!
- Meat coming at you, Freddy.
[bowl shatters]
Whoa, Freddy.
Where the fuck did he go?
- Franklin, we got to talk.
- What the hell are you doing here, Phineas?
You smell like piss.
- Don't worry. It ain't mine.
Listen, we got to split.
You don't want anything to do with this place.
[gobbling]
These crab cakes are delightful.
Keep 'em coming.
They're using these goggles on the homeless
to control their minds.
- Calm down.
Those gizmos help them envision
their best lives in the Metaverse.
- What flavor Kool-Aid you drinking?
- Come on, Phin, you're just angry
nobody came to your Cinco de Bitch Fest.
- [scoffs] I got to find someone levelheaded
who's not on the take.
Hey, there's Hunter Biden.
[dramatic rock music]
♪ ♪
- [yowling]
What the--
Freddy's out there networking with Gordon Ramsay
while I'm in here scalding six of my eight nipples.
Steak kebabs up, hot and ready to trot.
Ah, that fat-ass is taking selfies
with Millie Bobby Brown?
Or is that Bobby Brown?
Or is that Billy Bobby Thornton?
Ah, fuck, I'm working too hard.
- It looks exactly like real steak.
- It is real steak, just grown in a lab.
And the taste is outstanding.
Bah!
- I've had the porterhouse at Peter Luger,
and this makes that taste like Ruth's Chris.
- Oh, my God, Mark, it's delicious.
And knowing that no animals died for it?
It's amazing. - Mmm.
- Isn't it something?
- Well, it's something,
just not beef.
[dramatic music]
- You are mistaken, friend.
These are actual bovine cells grown in a lab.
It is molecularly identical to cow beef.
- Hey, I don't want to whip up a dust storm,
but I grew up roping cattle and eating it.
And I'm telling you, this ain't beef.
- [gibbering]
Facebook.
- Kitty, there you are.
You didn't come to bed last night.
- No, I most certainly did not.
- Mm, damn, I don't got to speak cat
to know what that means.
You, my friend, are in trouble.
- It's bad enough you didn't pull your weight.
But when you were out there hobnobbing with Steph Curry
and my girl Ayesha,
did you say, Kitty made these?
Did you mention my name to anyone?
Huh? Huh?
- I'm sorry, Kitty.
I got caught up in the moment.
- I just don't know if I could cook with you
at the Zuckerberg Award Dinner.
- Please, Kitty, give me another chance.
I'll shout your name from the rooftops.
- I'll shout your name from the rooftops, Chef.
You got it, fuckface?
- Yes, Chef.
Ow, oh, my eye.
- Morning, Phin. [sniffs]
Ah, you know, most people who get pissed on
change their pants the next day.
- Well, most people have more than one pair of pants!
- What's next, more than one pair of underpants?
Where does it end?
- Anyway, I would like to inform you both
that your services as my friends
are no longer needed.
- OK.
- I've got a new crew.
I said, I've got a new crew.
- Ugh, what do you want?
- You guys know C-Dog, Jen, and...Braces.
You dudes down to finish up that slide show now?
- We have school.
We're leaving now.
- Cool. Cool.
DM me.
- Hey, Franklin.
Mark wanted me to show you this text.
- Oh, a textual message from Mark Zuckerberg.
Said he is sorry for making alien noises at me.
Wants to get my opinion on how to make his beef taste better.
Sending a limousine for me.
- You really made an impression on him.
- I give the guy credit.
Takes a big man to admit he's wrong.
- Yes, but it takes an even bigger man to hold a grudge,
which I continue to do.
[car horn beeping]
- Adios, gents. That's my ride.
- What'd I miss?
[upbeat music]
- Come on, man.
Having sex with your baby mama
and your baby mama's mama?
What were you thinking?
- Hey, I handles my shit.
I handles my shit!
Let's go, Brandon. - Get him out of here.
Give me a "Jerry" chant.
audience: Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!
- Look at these toothless inbreds
flashing their tits and chanting his name.
That's respect.
- Been two days since we've seen Franklin.
He and Mark must be really hitting it off.
- Mark? - Did someone say Mark?
- Check it out.
Look at these photos of the two of them.
- That should be us.
Oh.
- And tonight Mark Zuckerberg will be receiving
the Bob Pimko Humanitarian of the Year Award
for his incredible work
ending homelessness in the Bay Area.
- Holy shit.
Franklin-- they've lobotomized him.
I'm coming, man!
[cows mooing]
- Hyah.
Hyah. Go on, get.
[horse whinnies, chuffs]
[can cracks open]
- Hot enough for you, Cowboy?
- That's my girl.
Oh.
- Buddy, can you hear me?
It's Phineas.
I'm getting you out of here.
I'm not gonna let Zuckerborg brainwash my best friend.
- You sure got kissable lips, Gretch.
[smooches] - Ugh!
So much tongue.
[door beeps]
Shit.
- Good news, Mr. Freek.
You've been approved for a life upgrade.
Just have to process you first.
[suspenseful music]
♪ ♪
What the hell?
♪ ♪
[alarm blaring] - Intruder!
- Intruder. Intruder. Intruder.
- Hey, what the fuck have you done?
- Let's take our pic for the Gram.
Say neurotoxin.
[giggles]
- You...son of a...bitch.
You got to give me the name of your gas guy, by the way.
♪ ♪
[dramatic rock music]
- I guess Franklin's not coming.
- Ooh, there's Zuck.
I'm gonna tell him Instagram rules
and TikTok drools.
- I am so hot for you right now.
- Yeah, there's that teamwork. [laughs]
Check out Willie Mays, Gold Gloving this shit.
Now, go on and enjoy the party.
I got the rest.
- Thanks, Kitty.
- That was a test.
- Did I pass?
- Do not leave me to go out
and take all the credit, got it?
- Don't you mean got it, Chef?
- Now, I'm going to take a smoke break.
And your ass better be here when I get back.
- Ow, ow, ow.
- Rule of fours.
[suspenseful music]
[applause]
- Welcome back to the "Phineas" show.
Our first guest is my band teacher.
Let's give a very "Phineas" welcome to Mr. Malouf.
- Boo! You suck, Malouf! - Boo!
- Mr. Malouf, you thought you could destroy me
by making me second triangle.
But look at what I've achieved.
Any thoughts?
- You're a genius, Mr. Phreakers.
I'm a total failure.
Please forgive me.
audience: Phineas! Phineas!
- You know what? I forgive you.
But you're still getting the chowder.
audience: Chowder! Chowder! Chowder!
- [screams]
audience: Phineas! Phineas! Phineas!
- We're clear.
Just some cat getting high.
- For keeping my secret safe,
one platinum-level headset.
You can now do whatever your crippled heart desires
in the Metaverse.
- Hookers. I want to fuck hookers.
- And worry not about Phineas or his cowboy friend.
They're in the Megashelter and will soon be dead.
[laughing] Bah!
- Holy shit.
They're gonna kill Franklin and Phineas.
- [chuckles] Funny story...
- Never mind that.
That Zuckerberg weirdo's a fucking psycho.
He's gonna kill Phineas and Franklin.
Shit, he wants to kill everyone and own everything.
You got to get over to that Megashelter now
and save them.
- I know what you're doing, Kitty.
This is a test.
I don't want to get the spatula again.
- Listen to me, big fella.
Your friends are in danger, and they need you.
- But you need me, Chef.
- I'll cover for us and handle the cooking.
- Uh-uh, I promised I wouldn't leave you
to do this all by yourself.
- All right, Freddy, look.
I was trying to be nice.
But the truth is, having you here
makes everything twice as long.
You're a pain in my ass.
Now, go save the other two pains in my ass.
- Franklin! Phineas!
Franklin! Phineas!
[groans] Think like Phineas.
Think like Phineas. Think like Phineas.
- You were right, Phineas.
You're the smartest man in the world.
Ever since I got these big boobs,
my career has taken off.
- So you're saying I'm a genius?
- Y-yes.
- Hesitation. Hesitation.
You're getting the chowder.
- [screams]
audience: Phineas! Phineas! Phineas!
- Phineas! Phineas!
- Oh, look who decided to join us.
Freddy, come to apologize?
- No, I came to get you out of here.
- Get me out of here?
You hear that?
- Boo! - You suck, Freddy!
- Look around. I'm a genius.
Everyone respects me.
Why the hell would I leave?
My life's never been better.
Are you assholing me?
audience: Chowder! Chowder! Chowder!
[laughter]
- [blubbers]
Shh.
Now, listen, Phineas, this is all fake.
What's real is your life with me, Franklin, and Kitty.
And we have it pretty good.
I don't know.
Audience, you like me staying right here, don't you?
audience: Phineas! Phineas!
- Mark Zuckenberg's controlling your mind,
making you think all this is real.
[dramatic music]
- Holy shit, I remember.
The goggles, getting pissed on.
- [smooches] - Ugh.
Franklin!
audience: Phineas! Phine--
♪ ♪
- [gasps]
♪ ♪
Franklin!
- What are you doing, man?
Oh, Jesus fucking Christ.
- Zuckernerd kidnapped us into the Metaverse, man.
♪ ♪
Oh, my God, Zuckerberg's grinding up the homeless.
- Holy shit.
I knew it wasn't beef.
♪ ♪
- Franklin, Phineas, you're alive!
I went into the Mentalverse and saved you.
- Freddy, you fat hero.
Why are you covered in chowder?
- What do you mean? You were there.
- I'm beginning to think I don't understand
this Metaverse thing.
- Nobody does.
Now, let's go stop this Zuckerberg asshole.
Whoa.
Probably should have shut this off earlier.
Let's go.
- As Humanitarian of the Year
and one of the sm-sm-smartest people
to ever walk the Earth,
I humbly accept this award.
- Stop!
This guy's a murderer!
- He's killing the homeless and grinding them up
into the meat you're eating. [people gasp]
- Wait, so we're eating people?
- Dear God, we're eating human flesh?
- And bones!
[people retching]
- I'm Mark E-period Zuckerberg.
Zuck-Zuck-Zuck! Zuck! Zuck!
Zuck! Zuck! Zu-Zu-Zuck!
I am leaving now.
[retching continues]
- Oh, yeah, and all the credit for this meal
goes to Chef Kitty.
Let's give her a round of applause.
- [retches]
- I appreciate the sentiment, Freddy.
But read the fucking room.
[dramatic rock music]
- I can't believe we were almost turned into hamburgers.
When I die, turn me into a hot dog.
- You're already mostly hot dog, big man.
- Oh, boy. What a week.
Thanks for saving our asses, Fred.
- And for making us see that actual reality
is better than altered reality.
Now let's get high as fuck!
[water bubbling]