- Cannabis Carnival, here we come!
- Ganja as far as the eye can see.
Just good people passing joints and STDs.
- Appreciate the ride, Gretch. Uh, you sure you can't join us?
- Oh, I'd love to, but I'm due in court.
I'm defending my client's right
to poop in front of Whole Foods.
- Yet when I dookie on your pillow,
you're an A-class bitch.
- I could snag some edibles for you, Gretch.
We could enjoy them together with dinner tonight.
What do you say? - Tonight?
Oh, sorry. I have a date.
- No problemo, my friend.
We can have dinner any night, like friends do.
Like friends do.
- Absolutely. We sure can, friend.
- We get it! You're just friends!
Jesus Christ, get a room and fuck already, will you?
[laughter]
[upbeat music]
What the fuck am I looking at?
[indistinct chatter]
- No exposed tits? No discarded syringes?
How can they call this a carnival?
- Leave it to corporate America
to pervert something as pure and wholesome as getting high!
- Hi! I'm Larry Leaf.
Free sample?
All you have to do is sign up for Apple Pay.
[Larry Leaf screams] - Bye, Larry.
[heavy metal music]
[cheers and applause]
♪ ♪
Whoa.
- What the hell's a Voodoo Ranger?
♪ ♪
Mmm!
Freddy, from now on,
you're filling my water bowl up with this!
- Whoa! They got the Leaning Tower of Sativa!
Can we? Can we? Can we? Can we? Can we? Can we?
- Hell yeah! But only after you finish your--
and he just ate the stick.
[upbeat music]
- ♪ Good, mm-hmm ♪
♪ Three brothers puffin' ♪
♪ And we just woke up in year 2020 ♪
- ♪ Roll another J and forget the day ♪
♪ Roll another J and get high ♪
♪ Roll another J and forget the day ♪
♪ Me and my brothers getting fried ♪
- ♪ The Freak Brothers ♪
- Hello there!
I'm Seth Rogen, Hollywood star somehow.
Want to buy an award-winning pot brownie
or a ceramic birdbath?
It's pot and pottery. Fucking brilliant, right?
[laughs]
- Stupidest thing I ever heard.
You got any free samples?
- Indeed, I do, furry-faced man I instantly despise.
Now prepare to be knocked up by my super-bad pot brownies
made with pineapple express.
I had to X out James Franco
on account of he missed my birthday.
Not the, uh, rape stuff.
- Oh, that's a damn fine edible, Mr. Rogaine.
- It's Rogen. Rogaine is one of my sponsors.
Well?
- [spits] They're okay.
In a "tuna sandwich from a gas station" kind of way.
But the best pot brownie
anyone's ever tasted ever was mine.
[psychedelic rock music]
♪ ♪
- I'm so high off these brownies, Flora.
- I'm Fauna! You're Flora!
[laughter]
- Whoa! These pot brownies are groovy, man.
Can I get the recipe?
- Never! I'll take it to my grave!
- Phineas, pipe down.
I'm trying to watch these twin sisters make out.
- Hey, think you can bake a better brownie?
Prove it!
- I don't got to prove nothing to nobody.
And I fell asleep during "Neighbors 2."
- Impossible!
I challenge you, sir, mano a ganjo,
in the Cannabis Cup.
Unless you're chicken, you loser!
[imitates crying]
[clucks]
- His brownies ain't nothing special.
Yours would slaughter him in that contest.
- Please, I couldn't bake them even if I wanted to.
I lost my recipe.
- Still afraid to fail.
You're baking brownies, not building a nuclear bomb.
- Actually, I am building a nuclear bomb.
I can't just put that on hold!
- [laughs] Hi!
- Fuck off! [Larry Leaf groans]
[scarfing]
- Done.
Ooh, dessert.
[metallic creaking]
[yelling]
That was fun.
Let's go again.
- Fat, fat, Freddy!
We've got to get your ass on a diet.
- Diet? What does that mean?
What does that even mean?
♪ ♪
[cheers and applause]
[whip cracks] - Yah!
[cheers and applause]
- Yeah, howdy doody, girl can shooty.
- Yee-haw! - Ho-ho-ho, who is she?
- Let's hear it
for the cannabis cowgirl, Calamity Jane.
- I need one brave volunteer.
- I'm your man, ma'am. [grunts]
[cheers and applause]
- Hold this for me, darling.
Yaw! Giddyup!
- Yee-haw!
That curvaceous cutie can ro-de-o.
[chuckles]
My first rodeo win was age six,
and dad and me celebrated all night.
Worst hangover I ever had.
- [laughs] When I was six,
my daddy gave me a slug of whisky and a pocket pistol.
Then he said, "Good luck working nights at Walmart."
- [chuckles] How about we sneak off somewhere more private?
I'll show you my pistol tricks. [chuckles]
- If that's code for fucking behind the stables,
my answer is yee-haw!
- Thank you, Lord.
♪ ♪
Ooh-wee! You sure bucked my bronco.
- And you sure slopped my hog trough.
- Wow. Boy, you talk pretty, Calamity Jane.
How about dinner tonight?
- Can't tonight.
But like the man says, I'll be here all week.
[sultry music]
♪ ♪
[cheers and applause] - Ooh-wee!
[laughter] Show's over, folks.
- Oh, my! [laughs]
- Fucking Franklin! I'm not afraid to fail.
I've never been afraid to fail.
And that's why I'm so good at it.
- Whoa, Phineas! This is a good vibes only zone.
You're bringing the major harshies.
- Yeesh, totes. I mean, come on.
Eat a freshly slaughtered, deep-fried bird,
and put a smile on your face, bruh.
We've worked out a deal
where we get paid in boneless buffalo wings,
plus dipping sauces!
[chuckles] Yeah!
- Chuck? Charlie?
I heard a rumor you guys died in a suicide pact.
- Um, we're not at liberty to discuss that due to
an ongoing insurance scam.
- Till we land that fish,
we're the co-assistant managers in training
of Lou's Chicken Shack.
Taste.
- Hello. I'm Louis.
I trust Charles and Charles are taking good care of you.
- [scarfs]
- Boys, let me attend to this VIP personally.
- It's 4:20 somewhere. - Time to get baked!
- Good chicken. Family recipe?
- Secret family recipe.
Small batches, high quality.
- Not like that smug twat, Seth Rogen!
You know, he dared me to go up against him
in the Cannabis Cup?
My pot brownies are ten times better,
but-- - But nothing!
You must shove that cup up the putrid ass of Rogen
and all the corporate fuckfaces!
- I admire your eloquence.
- Do it, Phineas. I believe in you.
- Normally, I wouldn't give two fucks
about what some bird peddler tells me,
but you make a lot of sense.
[slaps counter] I'll do it!
Thanks for the advice, friend.
- Come on.
I know I saw three quarters in here.
- I'm telling you,
this gal I met today is the total package.
She smelled like a barn, she spit tobacco,
had calluses as thick as tree bark.
- That's a handjob that won't end well.
Now, I'm going to need this to melt the butter,
this to mix the batter, this, and this.
[glass shatters] That can stay.
- Wow, this Louis guy really got your juices flowing, huh?
- My Le Creuset cookware does not leave le house.
- It has a new home, Lou's Chicken Shack.
He said I could use his kitchen.
I'll be working there around the clock.
- Wait. Around the clock?
As in you'll be gone? Out of the house?
Away from us?
[chuckles] Okay, take whatever you want.
You need a dishwasher for those pots?
[grunts]
- Oh, for goodness sake. Honey, bend your knees.
You're going to hurt your back.
[doorbell rings]
- Calamity Jane. Night freed up, huh?
Well, let me just splash some Aqua Velva on my pits
and-- - Franklin, wow!
I didn't know you lived here.
I'm going out with--
- Jane!
[smooching] Hi, honey.
- So you two live together? Are you a couple?
- We're a couple of friends.
Wait. Are you a couple?
- We used to be in college.
Jane and I always get dinner when she's in town.
- Well, that's, uh-- I mean, I never would--
I didn't have that square on my bingo card,
if you know what I mean.
- Well, nice seeing you again, Franklin.
Let's go, Gretchen. - Wait. Again?
You guys have already met?
- Okay. Well, we need to gallop.
We got a reservation at the great new Raw Dog.
Raw Bar, Raw Bar. [chuckles]
Let's go.
- [groaning] [whistle blows]
This exercise program you got me on is killing me, Kitty.
I'm drenched in sweat!
- All you did was take a shit.
We haven't even started working out yet.
[Freddy groans]
♪ ♪
[door opens]
- Watching you is so inspiring,
like watching John S. Pemberton
invent the formula for Coca-Cola.
- Well, like Coca-Cola, my formula is top secret,
and I'll never tell another human being.
Never!
- Fine with me.
I don't hold up well under torture. [chuckles]
- Takes practice, Louis.
I have a guy in Chinatown, teaches a course.
By week four, he'll drop a cinder block on your nuts.
You won't even flinch.
[Louis laughs] - Delightful!
- Yo, dude.
Smells hella chocolate-y in here.
- Mm-mmm!
I can't wait to eat these brownies at the Cannabis Cup.
All those people watching on the live webcast
are going to be hella jealous.
- I say hella, so you have to say hella?
- What do you mean "live webcast"?
- Like a million people will stream it
on all the stoner platforms--
Faded, SmokeDome, Steeched, BongRippers with an S,
BongRipperz with a Z.
- [gasps softly] Over a million people, huh?
Live?
Brownie contest--that's-- that's great.
It's hella great. [chuckles weakly]
♪ ♪
- So last night... uh, good dinner?
- Yep. Good and quick. I was in bed by 9:30.
- Oh, dang.
Shame you didn't get to spend more time with Miss Jane.
- Good morning.
- In bed by 9:30. [laughs]
I get it now.
So, uh, I take it our dinner is off?
- It don't have to be, cowboy. [smooching]
- Oh!
- Look, I like you both.
Shoot, I'm here for the week,
and I'd love to keep having fun with each of you.
But if that's too awkward, I get it.
- I mean, it's definitely not awkward for me.
This is so like, vanilla-adjacent to me, bruh.
- No, I'm a modern man.
I got no, you know, problem
dating a donut bumper or a scissor sister.
Sorry. Lesbosexual.
I believe that's the preferred term, right?
- [laughs] Okay.
Well, I need to run. Gretch, thanks for last night.
And I'll see you tonight.
Whoo! [both chuckle]
- You really think you can handle this?
- Oh, I ain't worried in the least.
She gave me all kinds of tongue behind the hay bales yesterday.
- Not the kind of tongue I got last night, cowpoke.
[tense notes]
[scarfing]
- Freddy, look at you eating lettuce
while we scarfing this down.
The old you would have eaten the chicken,
bones, and the bucket.
- [enunciating well] Pardon? Did you say something, Kitty?
- I'm trying to compliment you here,
but you're too busy reading that damn book.
And since when did you start reading books?
- They're called novels, Kitty.
And they transport you to a whole other world.
- I'm about to transport my foot to your ass
if you don't start paying attention to me.
- I've been trying to nail my old brownie recipe.
I've got to say, boys, I think I'm close.
I got a new batch in the oven.
How's it going with your cowgirl?
- We're going to Cahoon Stables later for a horseback date.
Going to ride some trails.
- She ride you sidesaddle yet?
- I'm falling for her, man. But Gretchen is, too.
- Gretchen's also an oyster slapper?
Good for her. La-la-la-la.
Listen.
If you're anything like me, you'll probably have trouble
getting wood sometimes.
- I'm nothing like you.
- By "nothing," you mean "exactly."
And I get it.
Anyway, I went online, and a doc prescribed me
these customized boner mints.
And now, I'm hard as a rock and roller.
- Eh... Hims, huh?
Well, I'm happy for you, Phin, but my lumber ain't never limp.
- Oh, it ain't, ain't it?
Next time you're flag's stuck at half mast, think of me.
- Oh, God.
- Yo, Phinalicious, your brownies are on fire.
And so is Charlie.
- Brownies are burnt beyond recognition.
But don't worry. I put the fire out.
- Oh, darn it to heck!
Now I won't be ready for the contest!
- Jesus's sandals.
Did you seriously torch your own brownies
just to get out of this contest?
- What? No!
That's just--that's one of my secret ingredients, you see?
Quit staring at me.
I've got a brownie recipe to perfect.
- He doth protest too much.
[Freddy grunts] - Eat your fucking lettuce.
[soft upbeat music]
[Franklin grunts]
- You look at home on there. A stallion on a stallion.
- Thank you kindly, ma'am.
May I return the compliment by saying nice tits.
- And may I return that compliment by saying
nice job keeping your beef knuckle straight
all night long.
- Whoa, boy. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Easy now!
- Gretchen, what are you doing here?
- Hey, guys! Funny seeing you here.
[horse neighing] - It is funny.
I remember you saying to me
that you were deathly afraid of horses.
- Who, me? I'm a frontier girl/
Been doing this my whole life.
[horse neighing] Holy Jesus!
[Gretchen grunts]
- Hey there, cowgirl.
You want to hop up into my saddle?
- My knight in shining armor.
How do we look, Franklin?
- Dang!
[horse neighing] [Franklin shouts]
[quirky upbeat music]
- Hey, Freddy.
Want color in this coloring book of dumbass birds with me?
[laughs] Look at that dumbass bird.
- Hold on, Kitty. I think that's chessmate.
Is that chessmate?
- Ugh, yes.
And it's checkmate! [groans]
- Okay, what in the name of God is going on in here?
Two days ago, this guy was eating the chess pieces.
- That is true. I passed a rook this morning.
I believe the one you're holding, Harper.
- Oh, God.
- You know, I read in "Scientific American"
that extreme dieting can reduce the layer of fat
encasing the brain.
Blood flow is drastically increased.
And in rare cases, so is IQ.
- Hey, Kitty.
Maybe that explains why you like coloring books
and I find them a frivolous waste of time.
Checkmate.
Done.
- Dumbass cube.
I drew a ball sack on this bird.
Not that anybody fucking cares.
[funky upbeat music]
♪ ♪
[electronic chiming]
- What the fuck is that?
[suspenseful music]
♪ ♪
My God!
Louis is spying on me.
That's why he was so nice to me.
No one's ever nice to me!
- [clapping]
Bravo, Mr. Phreakers.
You figured out my nefarious plan.
But then, I'd expect nothing less from you.
- Who the hell are you?
- [laughs]
- To answer that, we must go back 60 years.
August 4, 1966.
[funky music]
You served your famous edible brownies.
Remember?
One man in particular was quite taken with them.
- Whoa, these pot brownies are groovy, man.
Can I get the recipe?
- But you refused his simple request.
- Take a hike, freeloader!
- That man's name was
Louis Acabayo de Rodrigo de Patayo...
de Smith.
AKA my father.
He knew he'd tasted
the greatest pot brownies ever made,
and that someday when weed was legal,
the man who possessed that recipe would make a fortune.
Hand it over!
- Wow!
You thought of everything, Louis, except one thing.
You forgot to tell me your father's name.
It's an incomplete monologue.
- No, I said it.
Louis Acabayo de
Rodr--[screams]
- That's what you get for having too many last names,
you indecisive prick!
It's not safe here.
Cameras everywhere. Where can I cook?
[dramatic music]
- Hmm, what should I get?
- On me, darling.
I got a little, old two-for-one coupon here.
- Oh, that's cute. Just like my grandma.
Are you going to pay with a sock full of pennies?
[tires screeching]
[gasps] What the fuck?
- I'm, uh, headed out to the desert.
I may not be in any condition to drive.
- That boy is hella stoned.
- Franklin, your friend is clearly intoxicated
from testing pot brownies.
And you need to drive.
- No, he seems fine.
Just needs a cup of coffee.
- I don't know, Franklin. Maybe Gretchen's right.
You should go help your friend.
- [sighs]
Take my penny sock. $4 worth of dinner's on me.
Come on, Freddy. Let's roll.
[tires squealing]
[dramatic music]
[mixture bubbling]
- Now we cook.
- Better get a move on, Phin.
The contest is in less than two hours.
- Thank you, Timmy Timekeeper.
How about you take that watch and feed it to your colon?
- You're a real easy man to root for.
[timer dings]
- Taste time!
- Whoa! Ooh-wee!
Phin, these are de-to-the-licious.
Let's go win this thing.
I need to get back to Jane.
She's been alone with Gretchen way too long.
- Phew! No!
God damn it! They're not perfect yet!
- [spits] - See?
Even Freddy spit his out.
- I spit mine out because the funny thing about carbohydrates
is-- - Ugh!
- Wait a minute.
[suspenseful music]
♪ ♪
[Freddy muttering indistinctly]
Hey, Phineas, is this what you were looking for?
- Freddy, you don't know what the fuck you're--
huh.
That might just work.
["Breaking Bad" theme]
[riders screaming]
- Huh. Looks like Franklin's a no-show.
But I'm here, right where I want to be.
- Well, ain't you sweet? Too bad I'm leaving town.
You really juice my grapefruit.
- Jane, this doesn't have to be the end for us again.
I could follow you to the next town.
- Ooh, I'd like that.
Next stop, Bakersfield, California!
- Hmm, maybe the town after.
[laughter]
[laid-back music]
[timer dings]
♪ ♪
- Freddy, you're a genius.
This is the exact recipe I had back in '66.
- Great! Now, let's get these brownies to the festival
before they fuck-- no, I mean, before the contest.
[chuckles uncomfortably]
- You see, if we think of sweetness not as a taste,
but as a concept--
- Freddy, shut the fuck up
and come help me pull up the tire blocks.
- How'd he get those brownies so moist?
It's dry as fuck out here.
- That was quick.
- Bravo, Mr. Phreakers. You solved it.
And now, what was briefly yours...
[chuckles] Is mine.
- The hell it is, you son of a bitch!
- No!
[gasps] The formula!
- Give me that camera! - The formula is mine!
- You'll never get my formula!
[Phineas grunts]
[Phineas groaning]
- Give me the goddamn recipe.
- Never!
[Louis groans]
You dirty fucking snake! Just like your father!
- My father, Louis Acabayo de Rodrigo de Patayo de Smith,
was a great man!
- Oh, fuck you!
Take one of these! And one of those!
[Mexican accent] Why do you smell so bad?
[normally] I choose not to shower!
[loud thud] Yow!
- We've all done a shit-ton of mind-altering drugs
over the years, so I'm asking...
[Phineas grunts] Is this really happening?
- You all going to stand there with your thumbs up your asses
or are you going to help me stop this jerk-off Louis?
- Phineas, there ain't no Louis.
[loud thud, Phineas groaning]
- Then who's got his thumb up my ass?
all: You!
[delicate dramatic music]
♪ ♪
- [gasps] My God!
I made him up.
I am Louis.
[cork pops]
- It's a classic case of self-sabotage.
- Phineas made up an imaginary enemy
just to get out of competing in the Cannabis Cup?
- The only thing stopping me was me.
I'm through cock-blocking myself.
From now on, my cock goes where it wants.
Franklin, I'll bake a new batch while you drive.
- Hell yeah!
Phineas T. Phreakers finally stepping up.
Wash your hands first.
- So we're all getting into a RV
with the man who just had a psychotic breakdown?
Okay, sounds good.
[engine turns over]
[upbeat funky music]
♪ ♪
- Uh, Newton's law of acceleration suggests
you may want to slow down.
- Uh, Franklin's law of "we ain't got no brakes"
suggests we're fucked.
[all yelling]
[people screaming]
[tower creaking]
[metallic clattering]
- Anyone asks, it was like this when we borrowed it.
- The brownies are intact.
[inhales deeply]
In fact, they're perfect.
- Give me those!
- Where are they? Where are they?
Jane?
Sorry, I'm late.
You wouldn't believe-- [creaking]
[tower creaking]
Gretchen! [all shout]
- You okay?
- Yeah. You?
- Look at y'all. Get a stable.
This whole time you've been locking horns over me,
but it's clear as day you want each other.
- Oh, but what about you?
- [whistle blows] I'll be fine.
Got a sweet piece of tang waiting for me in Bakersfield.
Mm-hmm!
[horse neighs] Y'all take care of each other.
Yee-haw!
- Well, hey there, cowboy.
[soft upbeat music]
- One more entry!
Didn't think I was gonna make it, did you, Rogen?
- I'm not sure I cared either way.
- Oh, so much deliciousness.
- The brownie is really good.
These may be the best I've ever tasted.
- Oh, yeah? Wait till you taste mine.
- [shudders] High in calories, but smells so good.
- Easy, fat man, easy.
[suspenseful music]
♪ ♪
[Freddy shouts]
- [mouth full] I'm sorry, Phineas. I'm sorry!
[scarfs]
- What the fuck have you done?
- It looks like you got to take the DQ, bro.
At least you're still a huge movie star.
Oh, wait. That's me.
[laughs]
[laid-back music]
- [sighs] Would've felt good to beat Rogen.
But keying his car helped.
- Buck up, little chiba.
You put yourself out there. I'm damn proud of you.
- More importantly,
I got over my fear of failing entirely on my own.
- This whole thing got me thinking.
You've got a great product.
We should go into business for ourselves.
Picture it, our very own weed dispensary
and consumption lounge.
- No corporate bullshit! Old-school service and vibes.
- My man, entrepreneurs.
I can't imagine anything going wrong.
- Ah, we're calling it For Lease.
[gobbling] I like it!
- That's my Fat Freddy!
Dumb as the dozen donuts he had for breakfast.
I'm glad you're back.
Meow! [chuckles]
- You know, Fred raises a good point.
What should we call it?
♪ ♪