You see these, Freddy? They're paws. They ain't thumbs.
When it comes to cans of cat food, paws don't do shit.
You ain't gettin' it. Still ain't gettin' it.
You need to feed me!
Easy open lid, my ass! I'm going to get my own damn food.
Brothers...
Three Brothers puffin
And we just woke up in the year 2020
Roll another j and forget the day
Roll another j and get high
Roll another j and forget the day
Me and my brothers getting fried
We're the Freak Brothers
You guys have to check out this knockout. It's insane!
- Who is it? Conor McGregor? - Conor Mc-Who?
I'm talking Muhammad Ali decking Sonny Liston.
The second time, not the phantom punch.
You're a boxing fan?
Are you kiddin'? It's the sweet science!
Angles! Geometry! Brain damage!
So, who are the top fighters of today?
Is there a new Sugar Ray Robinson mowing down palookas?
Boxing is kind of done.
- It's all about the UFC now. - The F.U.C. What now?
Ultimate fighting! It's mixed martial arts, and it is lit!
- No holds barred. No rules! - No rules?
How can you watch that stuff?
- It's barbaric. - Actually...
- That looks pretty far out. - I know, right?
Can we go to a fight, Dad? Please!
- Pretty please! - Oh, come on, Noah.
Sounds like a great way for you and Camille to bond,
instead of with your phones for a change.
Okay, sure. I'll buy tickets right now.
- Thanks, Dad! - Thanks, Dad!
Beautiful day, huh?
What say you and I head down to the basement for a little R&R?
Reefer and rawdogging.
I have work to do.
You know, I do appreciate all you do for bums.
But you know, just this morning I gave a can of beer to a bum.
- A bum? - No. Sorry. A homeless.
Home is where one is living.
- Houseless is the preferred term. - Houseless. Got it.
Hey, you know, I saw on one of your internets
that there is a lot more emphasis these days on female sexual satisfaction.
I guess I was a man ahead of my time.
You're stupid.
The amount of corporate sponsorship here is unnerving. But I like the buzz.
- Anybody wanna rustle up some grub? - Don't be a sucker!
There's plenty of good food under the seats.
So, there's no rules?
We could just sit outside a bar, and watch frat boys brawl for free.
- Yeah. - That was amazing!
This is badass. Them little peckers is tough!
Took a thumb to the bunger, didn't even squawk.
And fighting in our next match,
the main event, the middle-weight champ...
PJ Always Barkin' Larkin!
Oh, my God! He's here?
- So, we like PJ Always Barkin' Larkin? - He's a god.
He's like this mellow surfer dude,
but then he gets in the ring, and he totally kicks ass.
Language, Camille.
Bite his face off like a chimpanzee!
I can hear the ocean!
- Yeah. - Wait!
There's nacho cheese on the seat.
PJ had a super rough childhood.
He never even knew his dad, but he dated Ariana Grande
and he shut down his Instagram site
after getting in a fight with every woman from The View.
Your winner is PJ Larkin!
Strategically speaking, he should probably cut his hair,
but he refuses.
That's a good man. Letting his freak flag fly.
Hey, Phineas, he kind of looks like you.
Sure does. "Got kids?"
See, I just did a little riff on the Got Milk ads.
Like maybe he's your son.
Did you ever have unprotected intercourse in the past?
"Got kids."
I don't know, man.
I'd probably have to see his mother to know for sure.
I was joking. This kid is in his early 20s.
The timing is all wrong.
Unless you donated some sperm that was frozen.
I did donate my sperm!
Oh, my God. My son is PJ Barkin' Larkin!
You rat bastard!
Excuse me. Do I know you? Do you know me?
And the preferred term is "rodent", madam.
I gotta get to back to 1969.
Back then, a rat would never walk up
to a full grown kitty cat, talking preferred terms.
You bring that shit again, and I'll gobble your ass up.
Oh! That's good.
Who's ready for some poached salmon?
Me! This girl, right here! Hello!
Well, look what the cat dragged in. Herself!
Which is appropriate because animals deserve their own dignity.
Are you hungry?
If he is your boy, you should be proud. He is one hell of a shit kicker.
- PJ! PJ! - PJ! I love you!
- Sign my face! - Sign my hot dog!
PJ! Over here! I'm your father! I spunked you in a jar!
Selfie!
Daddy!
Ribs. Ribcage. You're crackin' my ribs, Son.
I can't believe PJ Larkin is coming to my house!
Now, remember, my son is just a regular person like anyone else.
Only he's a really great fighter
who can kick anyone else's son's ass, any time.
You know, if you really want to be sure he's your son,
there's DNA tests. You can do it through the mail.
Nah, when you're a father, you know.
If anybody needs to take a DNA test, it's you.
Looks like Mrs. Switzer ordered Chines e takeout.
From the Dong Shack, if you know what I mean.
So, are you excited about this big time fighter coming to visit?
I'm not much of a sports fan.
Or a fan of jocks for that matter.
Don't worry. She only goes for intellectuals.
Unemployed ones.
I'm unemployed! And I got no prospects.
Kitty's missing!
We all have to split up, and look for her!
Sorry, Freddy, my son, the famous ultimate fighter is coming over.
Guess I'll go look alone.
- He's here! - Come in, Son, come in.
You remember Camille? She's your biggest fan.
What's up, Little Wahine? Here's the mouth guard I swallowed,
then barfed up at UFC 198. I signed it for you.
Oh, my God! Thank you! Is that blood?
- It is blood! - And puke.
Over here, Son, is my brother Franklin.
He's not my real brother, so he's not your real uncle
meaning, he's made no genetic contribution to your success.
A real pleasure. Loved you bitin' off that fellow's ear.
I'm Noah! I'm Team PJ for life!
Oh, God! Noah, go wash your face. You look like you've been notarized.
And this is Gretchen. She's our lady lawyer.
- Aloha, pretty lady. - Nothing.
Is this guy botherin' you?
- I got something for you too. - That's a big cup.
My boy has a giant schvantz!
- Where should I keep this? - How about next to your bed?
My bed? Maybe you should take a look.
Groovy.
- That's my boy! - Damn pretty boy meat monkey.
Fuck this world.
I've been wasting away living with those freaks,
and paradise was just around the corner.
Hello. Who's this gorgeous lady?
Name's Kitty. Don't touch my throne, you'll get your grease on it.
I may not have a lot of money or my own tent,
but I have so much love to give. We could be best friends.
You want a best friend?
Take your broke ass down to the dog shelter.
What is this? Looks like pudding but tastes like salmon.
I could eat this all day.
Kitty! Thank goodness.
I've been searching alleys, and dumpsters all over the city.
Come on, let's get you home.
Enlighten me, fat man. What is it you got to offer?
Because here, they got fish pudding! Probably got all kinds of pudding.
Chicken pudding, steak pudding, potato pudding.
What kind of pudding you all got?
Oh, my God, this is delicious!
- Ground and pound! - Yes! Yes!
I'm no expert, but ain't it bad thing
for athletes to have sex before a match in a ring?
Come on! Do something!
I can't live his life for him, Franklin.
A father gives his son a toolbox
and spends a lifetime filling it with tools.
Can't he find some other box to put his tool in?
That particular peace of advice came from Fatherhood by Dr. Bill Cosby.
He had some great dating advice too. I wonder what he's up to these days.
Probably crushing it.
- You ready to tap out? - Fuck that bra.
That was the best ever.
- That's it, PJ! - Best seats ever!
My son, PJ Larkin, got them for us.
We're gonna get splattered by something for sure!
I guess sex isn't bad before a match after all.
Maybe if he bumped it up a little more, he could be world champion.
I'm willing to try.
Dumb apes in a cage. Stupid sport.
Lucky!
PJ is the ultimate fighter! You're not even the penultimate fighter!
Hey, Larkin, you suck!
You got something to say to my kid, you say it to me!
Brad! You didn't even close the pen on this new cat!
The fat one!
Is kitty hungry?
You can call it ultimate, if you want.
But it all goes back to the fundamentals, boy.
Footwork, footwork, footwork!
Okay, Son, you just poked the bear!
Hey, I mean, hey! I don't get it. What the hell do you see in this rube?
I guess it's just easy. No head games. Just sex.
But the man has no social conscience, huh?
I mean he's making all that money,
but what's he ever done for the hobo, homo, the houseless?
Hey, Peej? When's the last time you gave to charity?
Have you ever done anything to help the houseless?
Nope.
But maybe, I could donate a few million dollars to the shelter,
and tickets to my next fight.
What a great idea!
Everyone is always trying to give them food,
but what they really need is a little diversion.
Cool. Let's fuck.
Now, don't overheat while you're fucking her. It's summer time!
Why do we kick like this after we poop?
Freddy, you're a cat now. You don't ask questions.
You start pullin' threads, and whole sweater comes undone.
I see her! I know which one we are getting!
Back that shit off. I'm living like a king here.
I got a queen joke, but I'm not gonna say it.
I'm not gettin' my ass canceled.
Is that salmon farm-raised? We only serve wild-caught to our cats.
And no catnip on the side? This is barbaric.
Y'all got catnip and wild fish? Sounds like a Jackpot!
Let's get you out of here. Does Ms. Mittens like feather beds?
Feather beds, feather boas, show tunes, whatever y'all want. Hey.
Kitty?
Sorry, they didn't want you, Big Guy. But that's all right.
Well, not really. Your time's up. We're going to have to put you down.
I'm getting put down! A nap sounds nice.
Anticipation is building for what is being hailed as the "Fray in the Bay".
The just-announced title fight
between challenger PJ Always Barkin' Larkin,
and the champ, Conor McGregor.
Work the body!
That is, assuming McGregor's out of jail by then.
The Notorious Irishman was arrested today for attacking an opponent's bus.
By attacking it, I mean fucking it.
Conor McGregor? We'd better start training now, Son.
Ready, Son?
Ready. Let me just get high first.
Wait just a minute there, Son.
PJ, this is what I, and several books I haven't read,
call "a teaching moment".
I myself have tried cannabis, but there's even better drugs out there!
I know. Hash, cocaine, a little meth, shrooms.
Shrooms? As in psychedelic mushrooms?
- Yeah. - You got some on you right now?
- Oh, yeah! - Damn, Son.
The hell with training, let's party all day.
So you met someone Who set you back on your heels
Kitty, Kitty
So you met someone, And now, you know how...
- You have to put on your dinner outfit. - Oh, hell no.
You start your ballet lessons tomorrow.
Ballet? I thought we agreed on jazz tap.
Fellas, I'll make this easy on you. I ain't doing any of that shit.
Wait. She can do both!
We do want her to get her on the best YouTube cat channels.
No! Ain't none of those YouTube felines have a happy ending.
Grumpy Cat? Lil Bub? Keyboard Cat? Same sad-ass story.
Hey, Dad, after we do some more bong rips,
can you drive me to the stadium?
I gotta drop this off for my drug test.
Whoa, whoa. Lemme see that.
Tell you what.
Let me take care of this. You stay here and fuck Gretchen.
That's a good boy.
I can't go with you standing there.
If you want to help PJ, gimme some space.
- Are you kidding me? - My boy has the urine of a champion.
A champion! I want to make sure your dweeb pee measures up.
I'll make it work.
Welcome to the Fray in the Bay!
Where courtesy of PJ Larkin, it's Houseless Day!
And now, for the championship match!
PJ Always Barkin' Larkin
versus Conor "The Bus Fucker" McGregor.
Kill him PJ! Maim! Maul him! Bite his nuts off!
- Spare any change? - Of course, sir.
This enough to get inside your pussy?
Look how happy they all are! And it's all because of PJ.
Yay, hooray for PJ.
Ladies and gentlemen, let's make preparations to...
Wait a minute. I've just received some shocking information
regarding PJ Larkin's urine sample!
You may want to pay attention to this, Phineas. I mean, as father and all.
Relax, fight fans. This isn't about performance enhancing drugs.
We say we test for those, but we don't.
However, another test was performed.
And through a series of DNA shit that I don't understand,
our friends at 24andMe, "We do you one better",
have confirmed the identity of PJ Larkin's father.
Well, it's about time I get some damn recognition.
Thank you. Proud father over here. That's my spunk.
And that person's name is Harrison Milligan Ludwig the Third!
Hey! That's me!
What the hell's going on?
It's a strange future we're livin' in.
Sometimes discarded urine makes its way into a padded envelope,
and gets mailed off to a DNA testing facility.
- Dad? - Son!
No! No! Okay.
So, this guy might be your real father,
but who's the one who raised you since the day
you were two and half weeks ago...
Sorry, big guy, it's time.
- Dead cat walking! - I'm going for a special nap!
Brave.
Disgusting slob, but brave.
They grow up so fast.
Before you know it, they find their real dad, and move on.
Yup.
But we'll always have the memories. Hey, Franklin!
Remember when he was puttin' the wood to Gretchen nonstop?
That's all done now.
He's got no reason to come hangin' round here no more.
Apparently he does.
Hot spittin' monkey shit.
Hell, that is not the way I saw things playing out.
Hey, Franklin. Hey, guy.
I'm an empty nester.
I don't know how I'll fill my days now.
You'll probably do a lot of drugs,
remain unemployed, and rant about corn syrup.
Yeah, thanks, Noah. See, Phineas? You still got a lot on your plate.
- Freddy, where the hell you've been? - And why are you buck naked?
I was living at the cat shelter.
They were really nice to me, and fed me, and everything.
Then they thought I was a cat that nobody wanted,
and they tried to kill me.
But I think cat gas only works on cats. Kitty! You're home!
Where you been?
I went home with a Jack & Jack couple.
They wanted me to sing, and dance
and take diet pills like I was Liza Minelli.
Man, am I glad to be back.
Get this fat fucker off of me. Franklin! Phineas!
Oh, Lord! This is not how I wanted my life to go.
I only got eight more left. He done took one!
He done took one of my nine.