Look at this shit!
How are we supposed to get laid if they won't even look at us?
Leave it to the master.
Howdy, ladies. You are lookin' de-to-the-lish.
- Do we know you? - I know that mustache.
Are you that guy who keeps sliding into my DMs
and asking for pics of my feet?
No.
I think what my friend's driving at is we wouldn't say no to a DM or a DP!
Or a BM!
What is that, breath spray? I could use some.
Can I get a hit of that breath spray too?
Brother...
Three Brothers puffin
And we just woke up in the year 2020
Roll another j and forget the day
Roll another j and get high
Roll another j and forget the day
Me and my brothers getting fried
We're the Freak Brothers
Jesus! What the hell happened to you guys?
We were out trying to hit on girls and then they napalmed us.
Well, we weren't hitting on 'em.
We had a couple of drinks and tried to engage them in polite conversation.
Not hitting on them?
You said you were desperate for the pussy.
No! It was loud in there and you just misheard me.
I wrote it down.
You said, "My beanbag is ready to explode".
Shut the hell up, Freddy! Whatcha reading there?
It's a book for my book club I'm hosting here.
You guys are welcome to join.
Pop-up books? Picture books? Coloring books?
Novels.
Well, in that case I would very much like to say, no.
Well, I'm interested, Gretch. I love books.
Oh, God, I love books.
You love books? At the bar you said...
Seriously, shut the fuck up, both of y'all. Gretch, I'll be there.
The San Francisco science and technology convention!
Can't wait to see if they've made an electric typewriter
that weighs less than 40 pounds.
Imagine a woman who finds your boring stories fascinating.
Who can't wait to carry your barbells to the attic.
Who will do your taxes with one hand while satisfying you with the other.
A business card. And in mint condition. Look, Phineas!
Focus, Freddy!
It's typewriters now and then we're on to Singer sewing machines.
Ladies and Gentlemen, the age of cybernetic companionship has begun!
I present the "girls" of Botches!
Robot girlfriend? We should get one.
Dude, really? You don't even use the blowup doll I got you.
'Cause she's had a slow leak ever since I went down on her, that's why.
Dude, you gotta take out your retainer! This is day-one stuff.
Come on up and meet the girls! They're all for lease.
Hey, everyone. Can't wait to talk about today's book.
I thought we'd start with introductions for our new members. Noah?
Hello, I'm Noah Switzer. I identify as cisgender,
heteronormative, and XY chromosome by birth.
- And what did you think of the book? - I didn't read it.
Okay.
And next we have a dear friend of mine, Joan.
Joan has a very interesting story. Joan?
Hi, I'm Joan Krapowski. I'm a Virgo, I will buy anything that's fuchsia,
and I can suck off 16 guys in an hour.
Sorry. I'm a sex worker.
Hey, why is everyone applauding for that chubby hooker?
Franklin...
In today's sex positive San Francisco, sex workers are revered and respected.
Well, sadly, revered and respected doesn't pay the rent.
Augmented reality, virtual reality,
nobody wants a good old-fashioned meat wallet anymore.
Damn shame! What is wrong with our society today?
Franklin! Why don't you introduce yourself?
- I'm Freewheelin' Franklin Freak. - And how do you identify?
As a man.
- Just a man? - Anything else?
Just a man. Just a hundred percent red-blooded American stallion.
Oh, yeah.
Hot diggity.
Hey. Ya into torsion loads?
That's nice.
I like any load that makes me twist about my longitudinal axis.
Yes! Torsion load! That's what I was going for!
I'm Phineas, Phineas T. Phreakears. Bartender, pour me another Chivas.
- I'm Tess. - That's quite a grip.
You gotta check out what I left in the third stall, man.
I didn't even flush so you could see. And cause I never flush.
Thank you, Freddy,
but I don't think the lovely lady is interested in your poop.
No, I think it's fascinating.
It takes a big man to make a big poop.
That's my line. I always say that. Isn't that what I say, Phineas?
Yeah, that'll do, thanks!
He's great. But listen, we could talk doo-doo for hours,
or, you know, we could, you know, we could just head back to my place.
Is it hot in here?
I sense you're attempting to ask me if I want to go home with you.
No. What? No! Well, yeah. Yes.
- I mean, if it's stupid, then no. - I'd love that.
Well, can't blame a mathematician for playing the odds.
Wait, did you say yes?
Okay, I think that's a natural breaking point.
There are raw carob stevia brownies and turmeric shots in the kitchen.
What?
I saw you manspreading in there.
Legs wide open like you own the whole fuckin' room. You pig.
I beg your pardon?
- I'm gonna give you what you deserve. - Don't spray me in the face!
Just try and stop me!
That's the thing about homosapiens.
Their love making is barbaric.
- A real fucking man. Call me a woman. - You're a woman.
No subtlety. No ramp up. She didn't even sniff his asshole.
Yes. Take me, man ape. Take me.
You speakin' the truth there, brother dog.
How you know you were hookin' up with, who you, if you...
- We're mothafuckin' high, ain't we? - As a kite, dear friend.
- Sorry. I didn't mean to interrupt. - Interrupt? Heck, no.
I was just giving the lady a tour of the place.
Did you say there were turmeric shots?
The durn shower rod just collapsed on us.
I gotta head down to Ace Hardware, pick up a couple dry-wall anchors.
It's a safety issue.
Just lock the door next time.
She must have just dropped those during the tour!
You're the first real man I've met in this town in 20 years.
- Here's my number. - Well, mighty kindly of you.
Easy, darling.
You walk around hard as a three-day-old biscotti.
Gimme a ring if you wanna dunk it in my mug.
Book club is cool.
Hello, losers! This is Tess. She's with me!
Hello, Tess!
You are very attractive. How do you meet Phineas?
She chose to be with me! Her. Me. Making progress!
Understanding the times! Getting the era!
What in the fuck are you doin'?
Come on, Kitty. Let's go for a walk.
I'd love to, Fat Freddy, but I got a date.
Actually, two dates.
But they don't know about each other, so don't say nothing!
I've been learning about this whole 9/11 thing,
and it sounds awfully fishy to me!
Jet fuel can't melt steel beams. Makes no sense!
Exactly! And Halliburton holds the patent for...
Oh, man! I love that you also love mid-coitus conversation.
No, thanks. I don't want to fry my circuits.
I'm gonna use the little boy's room. Anything I can do for you?
Sure.
Could you wash this for me?
- What is this? - My vagina.
You know, I did had several numbers tucked into my jockeys.
- I'm tryna sort out who goes with who. - Franklin.
You're the turban lady or the Mexican poncho girl?
Frankenhoffer!
- You're the tiny hat. Big pardon. - Franklerino. Doin' good?
I'ma calendar you in for 5:30, Tuesday?
- What's up, buddy? - Question.
I'm sure you get it all the time.
In your experience with women and I've had plenty of my own,
of course, but I want your take.
You ever been with a lady who had a detachable snatch?
- No, man. Definitely not. - Awesome. Me neither. Night bud.
Fully charged! Are you ready to go again?
I'm dating a frickin' robot!
- Morning, Noah. You remember Tess? - Morning, Tess.
Good morning, African American homeowner.
- Co-owner. - How did you sleep last night?
Not so well actually.
My noise machine switched from babbling brook to crickets.
Well, I didn't sleep too well either.
Was busy over here makin' love to my human girlfriend who's not a robot.
So, Tess. What do you do for a living? What field are you in?
You know what field she's in?
The field of minding your own fucking business.
Okay. Sorry.
Hey! What are you doing?
You're attacking that thing with a metal spoon?
- You're gonna ding it up. - It's a bowl.
- What's the big deal? - Big deal is it's my bowl.
How'd ya like it if I ate outta Harper's "bowl"?
That ain't a bowl, it's a pussy. That bitch is a robot!
- Beautiful morning, old friend. - Certainly is, guvnah.
My sweetheart and I are going for a constitutional in the park.
Care to join us?
Love to, but I'm afraid I still have a tremendous amount of fucking to do.
- I understand completely. Good day. - Yeah. Good day, to you. Cheerio.
Hey!
This job is humiliating.
Yeah, well, cum chiseling is the only way
we're gonna afford one of those Botches.
Okay. Get it before it hardens. Obviously.
We've been through that debacle.
You seem like a discerning gentleman in the art of robotic companionship.
I'd love to agree but I have no idea what those words mean.
I assume you've come here for a robot girlfriend?
Robot? I thought these were real girls.
Let me ask you a question, my corpulent friend.
- Do real girls like you? - No, sir. Not historically, no.
Guess what? Every "girl" here, will.
- Really? - Guaranteed.
Let's take a look at our options.
Would you prefer a sporty gal? Or maybe a world traveler?
Or perhaps your tastes are more unconventional.
Hi, I'm Joan Krapowski 3000. Bippity bippity boop.
- Your wish is my command. - I like hotdogs.
You can eat a hotdog out of my ass.
Be still my beatin' heart! I'll take her!
Phineas! This is my gal, Joan Krapowski 3000.
- She's a robot, just like yours! - What?
Why the hell would you say that about my darling Tess?
- 'Cause her head's on the counter. - Hello, Frederick.
What ?
Just cause her head's on the counter you assume she's a robot?
Okay, fine. You caught me.
Hey! Let's put their heads side-by-side. We'll take a picture!
Not a detachable model!
Man... What a rip-off. But check this out!
She can't smell nothing!
That could peel the paint off a Caddy's fender, Freddy!
Smells like the grave but she's smiling.
I can't believe we're both dating robots.
Yeah, 'cause human girls were lined up around the block
to do a scavenger hunt for Freddy's fat little dick.
Yes. Keep your voice down!
Society is not ready for advanced, sophisticated gentlemen like ourselves.
What's the hell's all the hullabaloo?
Nothin'! We're just here with our human girlfriends.
And we're taking them out to dinner to eat food
because that's what humans do.
Double date? Why not make it a triple?
Darlin'? You wanna grab a bite?
If I wanted a boring dinner I'd be at home with my boring husband.
- Now get back in here, fuck monkey. - Well, no rest for the wicked. Hey!
Robot love. Man, we really lucked out.
Great conversation and detachable vaginas.
Plus super cheap dates.
No, no! Delicious steak is not good for robots!
Here. Drink some yummy motor oil.
All of it. All gone. Good girl.
If you'll excuse us, ladies,
Frederick and I are going to use the powder room and take two shits.
Goils.
Botches are not programmed to regurgitate.
Okay, listen up. Here's the deal.
I'm not really a robot. I'm a human sex worker.
But these tech weenies only wanna put their weenies into robot hookers.
But lying to user does not compute.
I don't like lying to Freddy,
but a gal's gotta eat and pay her student loans.
I just got a final notice from Grand Canyon University.
What are you doing here? Are we scheduled for today?
No. Well, nothin' official. I just, you know, in the neighborhood.
Yeah. I'm actually seeing friends tonight.
I'd love to meet your friends and find out more about you.
Friends? Friends are so banal.
Let's just stick to the sex sched, okay?
Yeah. Okay. If ya ever want to talk, you know, you got my...
Mustache caught!
We're gonna have to get this little guy repaired.
Repaired? It costs more to repair it than it does to just buy a new one.
Throw it out. It's just a dumb machine.
- Easy there with the "M" word. - What are you talking about?
So if somebody can't perform anymore, we throw 'em out!
Noah confided in me that he can't get it up anymore.
Throw him out!
And you! You're on the other side of 35, you can't have kids anymore.
Let's throw you out!
Jesus, Phineas. What the hell's gotten into you.
It's what I've gotten into!
This lady here is a robot and the love of my life!
And we're not hiding it anymore.
- You! Stop eating out of her vagina! - What?
You told me you couldn't do that without gagging.
- Phineas, you can't date a robot. - Why?
Harper, it wasn't so long ago
that people would've frowned upon our relationship.
What it is, soul brother! Right on!
Right on, soul brother.
Wi-Fi coverage is spotty in here. Stand in the other corner, babe.
Go to this corner! She's just programmed to keep you happy.
- How do I get one of those? - I heard that!
You know what you are? Anti-Cybernetic.
Come on, Tess. We don't need to take this.
You know where this is leading, don't you? The singularity.
A robot uprising that will engulf us all and invariably...
I told you, you start going off like that, I'm gonna flick your nuts.
Oh, dear God, I see stars.
Hey! I noticed that picture of you in a tutu by your bed.
So, I got two tickets to the ballet.
That's so sweet! I'll take my husband.
Y'all have fun. Yeah.
So thanks for coming, everyone.
I invited Tess here to discuss this week's book,
"I, Robot" because she's a robot.
What do you mean? She works in robotics?
Nope. She's literally a robot. Metal and wires.
- And this guy's dating her. Seriously. - I don't understand.
Of course you don't understand. Because you're prejudiced.
So let me break it down for you people.
She is a robot! We are in love!
I was gonna save this for after her firmware upgrade but what the hell?
Tess, will you marry me? Say yes. I'm telling you to say yes.
- Yes. - She said yes! L'chaim!
We'll be registering at Williams-Sonoma and Radio Shack!
Mazel Tov! I call the wine decanter and wireless charging bay.
Give me a break.
Congratulations you two!
The first homosapien-robotic union in history. In my book club!
And so it begins. The singularity...
- I'm locked and loaded, dog. - I take it all back!
- Is this progressive? - I think it's re-gressive.
I think this man is using this female robot for his own selfish needs.
The way y'all been using me?
I'm not just a piece of beef, I got feelings too.
You're a red blooded, American stallion. Act like it!
You're all such hypocrites. Do you hear yourselves?
You spend each week trying to out-woke each other in here
and the minute you step outside,
you treat him like a dildo in a cowboy hat.
Dildo in a cowboy hat? That's the movie when the two dudes
went up the mountain and broke they backs, right?
Franklin is a real guy with a real heart and none of you ladies deserve him.
Geez. What happened here?
Gretchen admitted she has feelings for Franklin in a really awkward way
and Phineas proposed to his robot girlfriend.
He did? Hey, I'm dating a robot! I'm gonna propose too.
Joan Krapowski 3000, I loves ya.
Let's get married and have a whole bunch of sprockets. What do ya say?
Freddy, stand up.
- I gotta tell ya something. - Yes, my love?
My name ain't Joan Krapowski 3000. It's just Joan Krapowski.
- I don't get it. - I'm not a robot.
- I'm a human. - Still don't get it.
I am a human being who breathes air and eats food.
So that's why your vagina don't come off!
I feel so betrayed.
I thought you'd be happy that a real woman wants to have sex with you.
- Guess I gave you too much credit. - You certainly did.
With regards to my farts.
I take comfort in knowing you could smell 'em all.
But now, we're over two hundred guests again.
Do we have to invite the smart fridge?
Can't invite Gretchen and not invite the refrigerator.
Good point.
The caterer asked, are there any titanium allergies on your side?
What the... Hey! That's my fiancé!
Tess!
- Hey. - Hey.
So I broke things off with those three ladies.
Two of 'em were off already after your harangue, but I made it official.
- Cool. I think that's the right move. - Yep. Yep, yepperooni.
I guess that means old Freewheelin' Franklin's back on the market.
Anyway, thanks for riding to my defense at that hen pecking party.
You know I got your back, Freewheelin' Franklin.
That's just the kind of relationship we have.
You said it.
Now, wait. What kind of relationship do we have?
Tess! Thank, God. I was so scared. They just took you!
But I'm here now, baby. Let's go home.
If you would like to take me home, please swipe your credit card now.
Babe! What are ya doin'? We're in love! We're getting married!
Please swipe now.
Yeah. Boss said you gotta pay to play, dude.
What are you talking about? What did you do to my gal?
Yeah. I sprayed canned air in her holes and wiped her hard drive.
You did what? You can't do that! She's not your property!
That's exactly what she is. She wandered off from the convention.
- She was never yours to begin with. - But...
The save the dates have gone out!
We sent out the save the dates!
Are they human? Are they robots?
Who knows? I'm starting to think I'm not cut out for either, boys.
Look over there. I think that jukebox is making eyes at me.
Well, you guys might be confused but Gretchen told me
that our relationship is like...
And then she made a gesture and a wink.
So, I got some real clarity.
You have not lost a step, man.
Barkeep! A second round of Chivas for the lads.
We're going to her place, boys. Don't wait up!