1 00:00:14,599 --> 00:00:15,679 Look at this shit! 2 00:00:15,759 --> 00:00:18,399 How are we supposed to get laid if they won't even look at us? 3 00:00:18,480 --> 00:00:20,519 Leave it to the master. 4 00:00:21,039 --> 00:00:25,280 Howdy, ladies. You are lookin' de-to-the-lish. 5 00:00:25,679 --> 00:00:28,640 - Do we know you? - I know that mustache. 6 00:00:28,719 --> 00:00:30,640 Are you that guy who keeps sliding into my DMs 7 00:00:30,719 --> 00:00:32,320 and asking for pics of my feet? 8 00:00:32,399 --> 00:00:34,000 No. 9 00:00:34,479 --> 00:00:39,799 I think what my friend's driving at is we wouldn't say no to a DM or a DP! 10 00:00:39,880 --> 00:00:41,799 Or a BM! 11 00:00:41,880 --> 00:00:44,240 What is that, breath spray? I could use some. 12 00:00:52,479 --> 00:00:54,920 Can I get a hit of that breath spray too? 13 00:00:56,159 --> 00:00:57,479 Brother... 14 00:00:58,560 --> 00:01:00,799 Three Brothers puffin 15 00:01:00,880 --> 00:01:04,200 And we just woke up in the year 2020 16 00:01:04,280 --> 00:01:06,959 Roll another j and forget the day 17 00:01:07,040 --> 00:01:09,680 Roll another j and get high 18 00:01:09,760 --> 00:01:12,319 Roll another j and forget the day 19 00:01:12,400 --> 00:01:14,159 Me and my brothers getting fried 20 00:01:14,239 --> 00:01:16,480 We're the Freak Brothers 21 00:01:24,879 --> 00:01:27,439 Jesus! What the hell happened to you guys? 22 00:01:27,519 --> 00:01:30,959 We were out trying to hit on girls and then they napalmed us. 23 00:01:31,040 --> 00:01:33,239 Well, we weren't hitting on 'em. 24 00:01:33,319 --> 00:01:38,000 We had a couple of drinks and tried to engage them in polite conversation. 25 00:01:38,079 --> 00:01:39,359 Not hitting on them? 26 00:01:39,439 --> 00:01:41,719 You said you were desperate for the pussy. 27 00:01:41,799 --> 00:01:46,840 No! It was loud in there and you just misheard me. 28 00:01:46,920 --> 00:01:48,040 I wrote it down. 29 00:01:48,120 --> 00:01:51,000 You said, "My beanbag is ready to explode". 30 00:01:51,079 --> 00:01:54,640 Shut the hell up, Freddy! Whatcha reading there? 31 00:01:54,719 --> 00:01:56,879 It's a book for my book club I'm hosting here. 32 00:01:56,959 --> 00:01:58,040 You guys are welcome to join. 33 00:01:58,120 --> 00:02:00,599 Pop-up books? Picture books? Coloring books? 34 00:02:00,680 --> 00:02:01,640 Novels. 35 00:02:02,879 --> 00:02:06,120 Well, in that case I would very much like to say, no. 36 00:02:06,200 --> 00:02:08,800 Well, I'm interested, Gretch. I love books. 37 00:02:08,879 --> 00:02:10,400 Oh, God, I love books. 38 00:02:10,800 --> 00:02:14,280 You love books? At the bar you said... 39 00:02:14,360 --> 00:02:19,000 Seriously, shut the fuck up, both of y'all. Gretch, I'll be there. 40 00:02:20,599 --> 00:02:23,599 The San Francisco science and technology convention! 41 00:02:23,680 --> 00:02:25,960 Can't wait to see if they've made an electric typewriter 42 00:02:26,039 --> 00:02:27,719 that weighs less than 40 pounds. 43 00:02:27,800 --> 00:02:31,439 Imagine a woman who finds your boring stories fascinating. 44 00:02:31,520 --> 00:02:34,360 Who can't wait to carry your barbells to the attic. 45 00:02:34,439 --> 00:02:38,719 Who will do your taxes with one hand while satisfying you with the other. 46 00:02:39,400 --> 00:02:42,199 A business card. And in mint condition. Look, Phineas! 47 00:02:42,280 --> 00:02:43,400 Focus, Freddy! 48 00:02:43,479 --> 00:02:47,280 It's typewriters now and then we're on to Singer sewing machines. 49 00:02:47,360 --> 00:02:51,879 Ladies and Gentlemen, the age of cybernetic companionship has begun! 50 00:02:51,960 --> 00:02:55,199 I present the "girls" of Botches! 51 00:02:59,919 --> 00:03:02,599 Robot girlfriend? We should get one. 52 00:03:02,680 --> 00:03:06,000 Dude, really? You don't even use the blowup doll I got you. 53 00:03:06,080 --> 00:03:09,800 'Cause she's had a slow leak ever since I went down on her, that's why. 54 00:03:09,879 --> 00:03:14,479 Dude, you gotta take out your retainer! This is day-one stuff. 55 00:03:14,560 --> 00:03:17,960 Come on up and meet the girls! They're all for lease. 56 00:03:40,479 --> 00:03:43,159 Hey, everyone. Can't wait to talk about today's book. 57 00:03:43,240 --> 00:03:46,479 I thought we'd start with introductions for our new members. Noah? 58 00:03:46,560 --> 00:03:50,520 Hello, I'm Noah Switzer. I identify as cisgender, 59 00:03:50,599 --> 00:03:53,199 heteronormative, and XY chromosome by birth. 60 00:03:54,400 --> 00:03:56,759 - And what did you think of the book? - I didn't read it. 61 00:03:56,840 --> 00:03:57,840 Okay. 62 00:03:58,159 --> 00:04:00,400 And next we have a dear friend of mine, Joan. 63 00:04:00,479 --> 00:04:04,240 Joan has a very interesting story. Joan? 64 00:04:04,319 --> 00:04:10,319 Hi, I'm Joan Krapowski. I'm a Virgo, I will buy anything that's fuchsia, 65 00:04:10,400 --> 00:04:13,800 and I can suck off 16 guys in an hour. 66 00:04:13,879 --> 00:04:16,480 Sorry. I'm a sex worker. 67 00:04:17,240 --> 00:04:21,000 Hey, why is everyone applauding for that chubby hooker? 68 00:04:21,079 --> 00:04:22,079 Franklin... 69 00:04:22,160 --> 00:04:26,600 In today's sex positive San Francisco, sex workers are revered and respected. 70 00:04:26,680 --> 00:04:29,439 Well, sadly, revered and respected doesn't pay the rent. 71 00:04:29,519 --> 00:04:31,680 Augmented reality, virtual reality, 72 00:04:31,759 --> 00:04:35,079 nobody wants a good old-fashioned meat wallet anymore. 73 00:04:35,160 --> 00:04:38,160 Damn shame! What is wrong with our society today? 74 00:04:39,079 --> 00:04:41,279 Franklin! Why don't you introduce yourself? 75 00:04:41,360 --> 00:04:46,199 - I'm Freewheelin' Franklin Freak. - And how do you identify? 76 00:04:46,279 --> 00:04:49,160 As a man. 77 00:04:50,000 --> 00:04:51,439 - Just a man? - Anything else? 78 00:04:51,519 --> 00:04:55,920 Just a man. Just a hundred percent red-blooded American stallion. 79 00:04:58,000 --> 00:04:59,759 Oh, yeah. 80 00:05:04,959 --> 00:05:06,920 Hot diggity. 81 00:05:11,160 --> 00:05:14,639 Hey. Ya into torsion loads? 82 00:05:16,199 --> 00:05:18,279 That's nice. 83 00:05:18,920 --> 00:05:22,399 I like any load that makes me twist about my longitudinal axis. 84 00:05:23,000 --> 00:05:27,319 Yes! Torsion load! That's what I was going for! 85 00:05:27,399 --> 00:05:32,399 I'm Phineas, Phineas T. Phreakears. Bartender, pour me another Chivas. 86 00:05:32,480 --> 00:05:36,439 - I'm Tess. - That's quite a grip. 87 00:05:36,879 --> 00:05:40,360 You gotta check out what I left in the third stall, man. 88 00:05:40,439 --> 00:05:43,759 I didn't even flush so you could see. And cause I never flush. 89 00:05:43,839 --> 00:05:45,079 Thank you, Freddy, 90 00:05:45,160 --> 00:05:49,319 but I don't think the lovely lady is interested in your poop. 91 00:05:49,399 --> 00:05:51,680 No, I think it's fascinating. 92 00:05:51,759 --> 00:05:54,959 It takes a big man to make a big poop. 93 00:05:55,959 --> 00:05:59,839 That's my line. I always say that. Isn't that what I say, Phineas? 94 00:06:00,160 --> 00:06:02,199 Yeah, that'll do, thanks! 95 00:06:02,279 --> 00:06:05,480 He's great. But listen, we could talk doo-doo for hours, 96 00:06:05,560 --> 00:06:12,240 or, you know, we could, you know, we could just head back to my place. 97 00:06:12,319 --> 00:06:13,560 Is it hot in here? 98 00:06:13,639 --> 00:06:17,279 I sense you're attempting to ask me if I want to go home with you. 99 00:06:17,360 --> 00:06:20,519 No. What? No! Well, yeah. Yes. 100 00:06:20,600 --> 00:06:23,800 - I mean, if it's stupid, then no. - I'd love that. 101 00:06:23,879 --> 00:06:27,079 Well, can't blame a mathematician for playing the odds. 102 00:06:27,160 --> 00:06:29,240 Wait, did you say yes? 103 00:06:29,879 --> 00:06:32,319 Okay, I think that's a natural breaking point. 104 00:06:32,399 --> 00:06:36,879 There are raw carob stevia brownies and turmeric shots in the kitchen. 105 00:06:39,519 --> 00:06:40,560 What? 106 00:06:44,600 --> 00:06:46,600 I saw you manspreading in there. 107 00:06:46,680 --> 00:06:50,879 Legs wide open like you own the whole fuckin' room. You pig. 108 00:06:50,959 --> 00:06:52,879 I beg your pardon? 109 00:06:52,959 --> 00:06:56,879 - I'm gonna give you what you deserve. - Don't spray me in the face! 110 00:06:56,959 --> 00:06:58,439 Just try and stop me! 111 00:07:04,000 --> 00:07:06,199 That's the thing about homosapiens. 112 00:07:06,279 --> 00:07:08,759 Their love making is barbaric. 113 00:07:08,839 --> 00:07:13,360 - A real fucking man. Call me a woman. - You're a woman. 114 00:07:13,439 --> 00:07:17,600 No subtlety. No ramp up. She didn't even sniff his asshole. 115 00:07:17,680 --> 00:07:21,199 Yes. Take me, man ape. Take me. 116 00:07:21,279 --> 00:07:24,000 You speakin' the truth there, brother dog. 117 00:07:24,079 --> 00:07:28,600 How you know you were hookin' up with, who you, if you... 118 00:07:28,680 --> 00:07:32,199 - We're mothafuckin' high, ain't we? - As a kite, dear friend. 119 00:07:37,040 --> 00:07:40,680 - Sorry. I didn't mean to interrupt. - Interrupt? Heck, no. 120 00:07:40,759 --> 00:07:43,839 I was just giving the lady a tour of the place. 121 00:07:44,759 --> 00:07:46,920 Did you say there were turmeric shots? 122 00:07:47,360 --> 00:07:49,639 The durn shower rod just collapsed on us. 123 00:07:49,720 --> 00:07:53,519 I gotta head down to Ace Hardware, pick up a couple dry-wall anchors. 124 00:07:53,600 --> 00:07:55,600 It's a safety issue. 125 00:07:56,600 --> 00:07:58,399 Just lock the door next time. 126 00:07:58,920 --> 00:08:01,920 She must have just dropped those during the tour! 127 00:08:02,319 --> 00:08:07,160 You're the first real man I've met in this town in 20 years. 128 00:08:07,240 --> 00:08:10,879 - Here's my number. - Well, mighty kindly of you. 129 00:08:13,759 --> 00:08:14,800 Easy, darling. 130 00:08:14,879 --> 00:08:18,000 You walk around hard as a three-day-old biscotti. 131 00:08:18,079 --> 00:08:21,079 Gimme a ring if you wanna dunk it in my mug. 132 00:08:22,399 --> 00:08:24,000 Book club is cool. 133 00:08:29,600 --> 00:08:34,039 Hello, losers! This is Tess. She's with me! 134 00:08:34,120 --> 00:08:35,279 Hello, Tess! 135 00:08:35,360 --> 00:08:39,399 You are very attractive. How do you meet Phineas? 136 00:08:39,480 --> 00:08:43,320 She chose to be with me! Her. Me. Making progress! 137 00:08:43,399 --> 00:08:46,200 Understanding the times! Getting the era! 138 00:08:48,200 --> 00:08:50,679 What in the fuck are you doin'? 139 00:08:51,960 --> 00:08:54,080 Come on, Kitty. Let's go for a walk. 140 00:08:55,000 --> 00:08:57,799 I'd love to, Fat Freddy, but I got a date. 141 00:08:57,879 --> 00:08:59,320 Actually, two dates. 142 00:08:59,399 --> 00:09:02,480 But they don't know about each other, so don't say nothing! 143 00:09:07,240 --> 00:09:10,320 I've been learning about this whole 9/11 thing, 144 00:09:10,399 --> 00:09:12,639 and it sounds awfully fishy to me! 145 00:09:12,720 --> 00:09:16,480 Jet fuel can't melt steel beams. Makes no sense! 146 00:09:16,559 --> 00:09:21,360 Exactly! And Halliburton holds the patent for... 147 00:09:23,799 --> 00:09:28,120 Oh, man! I love that you also love mid-coitus conversation. 148 00:09:28,200 --> 00:09:30,879 No, thanks. I don't want to fry my circuits. 149 00:09:31,559 --> 00:09:34,600 I'm gonna use the little boy's room. Anything I can do for you? 150 00:09:34,679 --> 00:09:35,919 Sure. 151 00:09:37,559 --> 00:09:39,480 Could you wash this for me? 152 00:09:39,559 --> 00:09:42,279 - What is this? - My vagina. 153 00:09:44,679 --> 00:09:47,200 You know, I did had several numbers tucked into my jockeys. 154 00:09:47,279 --> 00:09:50,039 - I'm tryna sort out who goes with who. - Franklin. 155 00:09:50,120 --> 00:09:52,639 You're the turban lady or the Mexican poncho girl? 156 00:09:52,720 --> 00:09:53,639 Frankenhoffer! 157 00:09:54,879 --> 00:09:58,519 - You're the tiny hat. Big pardon. - Franklerino. Doin' good? 158 00:09:58,600 --> 00:10:02,559 I'ma calendar you in for 5:30, Tuesday? 159 00:10:03,159 --> 00:10:04,919 - What's up, buddy? - Question. 160 00:10:05,000 --> 00:10:06,600 I'm sure you get it all the time. 161 00:10:06,679 --> 00:10:09,840 In your experience with women and I've had plenty of my own, 162 00:10:09,919 --> 00:10:11,679 of course, but I want your take. 163 00:10:11,759 --> 00:10:15,279 You ever been with a lady who had a detachable snatch? 164 00:10:16,559 --> 00:10:21,519 - No, man. Definitely not. - Awesome. Me neither. Night bud. 165 00:10:25,840 --> 00:10:28,960 Fully charged! Are you ready to go again? 166 00:10:29,039 --> 00:10:30,879 I'm dating a frickin' robot! 167 00:10:33,480 --> 00:10:37,279 - Morning, Noah. You remember Tess? - Morning, Tess. 168 00:10:37,360 --> 00:10:39,879 Good morning, African American homeowner. 169 00:10:39,960 --> 00:10:42,320 - Co-owner. - How did you sleep last night? 170 00:10:42,399 --> 00:10:43,600 Not so well actually. 171 00:10:43,679 --> 00:10:46,840 My noise machine switched from babbling brook to crickets. 172 00:10:46,919 --> 00:10:49,399 Well, I didn't sleep too well either. 173 00:10:49,480 --> 00:10:54,039 Was busy over here makin' love to my human girlfriend who's not a robot. 174 00:10:54,120 --> 00:10:57,240 So, Tess. What do you do for a living? What field are you in? 175 00:10:57,320 --> 00:10:58,679 You know what field she's in? 176 00:10:58,759 --> 00:11:01,159 The field of minding your own fucking business. 177 00:11:01,240 --> 00:11:02,960 Okay. Sorry. 178 00:11:03,759 --> 00:11:05,080 Hey! What are you doing? 179 00:11:05,159 --> 00:11:07,080 You're attacking that thing with a metal spoon? 180 00:11:07,159 --> 00:11:09,360 - You're gonna ding it up. - It's a bowl. 181 00:11:09,440 --> 00:11:12,879 - What's the big deal? - Big deal is it's my bowl. 182 00:11:12,960 --> 00:11:15,519 How'd ya like it if I ate outta Harper's "bowl"? 183 00:11:15,600 --> 00:11:18,840 That ain't a bowl, it's a pussy. That bitch is a robot! 184 00:11:20,559 --> 00:11:24,519 - Beautiful morning, old friend. - Certainly is, guvnah. 185 00:11:25,000 --> 00:11:29,039 My sweetheart and I are going for a constitutional in the park. 186 00:11:29,440 --> 00:11:30,600 Care to join us? 187 00:11:30,679 --> 00:11:35,200 Love to, but I'm afraid I still have a tremendous amount of fucking to do. 188 00:11:35,279 --> 00:11:39,919 - I understand completely. Good day. - Yeah. Good day, to you. Cheerio. 189 00:11:47,360 --> 00:11:50,200 Hey! 190 00:12:31,159 --> 00:12:32,639 This job is humiliating. 191 00:12:32,720 --> 00:12:35,399 Yeah, well, cum chiseling is the only way 192 00:12:35,480 --> 00:12:36,879 we're gonna afford one of those Botches. 193 00:12:36,960 --> 00:12:40,480 Okay. Get it before it hardens. Obviously. 194 00:12:40,559 --> 00:12:41,720 We've been through that debacle. 195 00:12:44,039 --> 00:12:48,600 You seem like a discerning gentleman in the art of robotic companionship. 196 00:12:48,679 --> 00:12:51,519 I'd love to agree but I have no idea what those words mean. 197 00:12:51,600 --> 00:12:54,200 I assume you've come here for a robot girlfriend? 198 00:12:54,279 --> 00:12:56,480 Robot? I thought these were real girls. 199 00:12:56,559 --> 00:12:58,360 Let me ask you a question, my corpulent friend. 200 00:12:58,440 --> 00:13:03,320 - Do real girls like you? - No, sir. Not historically, no. 201 00:13:03,399 --> 00:13:06,720 Guess what? Every "girl" here, will. 202 00:13:07,600 --> 00:13:10,039 - Really? - Guaranteed. 203 00:13:10,120 --> 00:13:11,960 Let's take a look at our options. 204 00:13:12,039 --> 00:13:15,720 Would you prefer a sporty gal? Or maybe a world traveler? 205 00:13:15,799 --> 00:13:19,360 Or perhaps your tastes are more unconventional. 206 00:13:20,279 --> 00:13:24,559 Hi, I'm Joan Krapowski 3000. Bippity bippity boop. 207 00:13:25,159 --> 00:13:27,759 - Your wish is my command. - I like hotdogs. 208 00:13:27,840 --> 00:13:30,039 You can eat a hotdog out of my ass. 209 00:13:30,120 --> 00:13:32,679 Be still my beatin' heart! I'll take her! 210 00:13:34,039 --> 00:13:38,080 Phineas! This is my gal, Joan Krapowski 3000. 211 00:13:38,159 --> 00:13:41,559 - She's a robot, just like yours! - What? 212 00:13:41,639 --> 00:13:44,639 Why the hell would you say that about my darling Tess? 213 00:13:44,720 --> 00:13:47,480 - 'Cause her head's on the counter. - Hello, Frederick. 214 00:13:49,000 --> 00:13:50,000 What ? 215 00:13:50,080 --> 00:13:52,600 Just cause her head's on the counter you assume she's a robot? 216 00:13:52,679 --> 00:13:53,919 Okay, fine. You caught me. 217 00:13:54,000 --> 00:13:57,080 Hey! Let's put their heads side-by-side. We'll take a picture! 218 00:13:58,200 --> 00:14:01,879 Not a detachable model! 219 00:14:01,960 --> 00:14:05,759 Man... What a rip-off. But check this out! 220 00:14:06,320 --> 00:14:08,639 She can't smell nothing! 221 00:14:08,720 --> 00:14:11,360 That could peel the paint off a Caddy's fender, Freddy! 222 00:14:11,440 --> 00:14:14,159 Smells like the grave but she's smiling. 223 00:14:15,320 --> 00:14:17,519 I can't believe we're both dating robots. 224 00:14:17,600 --> 00:14:20,600 Yeah, 'cause human girls were lined up around the block 225 00:14:20,679 --> 00:14:23,080 to do a scavenger hunt for Freddy's fat little dick. 226 00:14:23,159 --> 00:14:25,480 Yes. Keep your voice down! 227 00:14:25,559 --> 00:14:29,440 Society is not ready for advanced, sophisticated gentlemen like ourselves. 228 00:14:29,519 --> 00:14:31,480 What's the hell's all the hullabaloo? 229 00:14:31,559 --> 00:14:34,120 Nothin'! We're just here with our human girlfriends. 230 00:14:34,200 --> 00:14:36,759 And we're taking them out to dinner to eat food 231 00:14:36,840 --> 00:14:38,799 because that's what humans do. 232 00:14:38,879 --> 00:14:41,480 Double date? Why not make it a triple? 233 00:14:41,559 --> 00:14:43,679 Darlin'? You wanna grab a bite? 234 00:14:43,759 --> 00:14:47,879 If I wanted a boring dinner I'd be at home with my boring husband. 235 00:14:47,960 --> 00:14:52,080 - Now get back in here, fuck monkey. - Well, no rest for the wicked. Hey! 236 00:14:55,120 --> 00:14:58,519 Robot love. Man, we really lucked out. 237 00:14:58,600 --> 00:15:01,360 Great conversation and detachable vaginas. 238 00:15:01,440 --> 00:15:03,960 Plus super cheap dates. 239 00:15:04,039 --> 00:15:07,039 No, no! Delicious steak is not good for robots! 240 00:15:07,120 --> 00:15:10,159 Here. Drink some yummy motor oil. 241 00:15:11,879 --> 00:15:15,200 All of it. All gone. Good girl. 242 00:15:15,279 --> 00:15:16,759 If you'll excuse us, ladies, 243 00:15:16,840 --> 00:15:20,840 Frederick and I are going to use the powder room and take two shits. 244 00:15:21,559 --> 00:15:22,919 Goils. 245 00:15:26,799 --> 00:15:29,120 Botches are not programmed to regurgitate. 246 00:15:29,200 --> 00:15:31,200 Okay, listen up. Here's the deal. 247 00:15:31,279 --> 00:15:35,039 I'm not really a robot. I'm a human sex worker. 248 00:15:35,120 --> 00:15:38,799 But these tech weenies only wanna put their weenies into robot hookers. 249 00:15:38,879 --> 00:15:42,440 But lying to user does not compute. 250 00:15:42,519 --> 00:15:44,440 I don't like lying to Freddy, 251 00:15:44,519 --> 00:15:47,159 but a gal's gotta eat and pay her student loans. 252 00:15:47,240 --> 00:15:50,919 I just got a final notice from Grand Canyon University. 253 00:15:56,639 --> 00:15:59,480 What are you doing here? Are we scheduled for today? 254 00:15:59,559 --> 00:16:03,919 No. Well, nothin' official. I just, you know, in the neighborhood. 255 00:16:04,000 --> 00:16:06,679 Yeah. I'm actually seeing friends tonight. 256 00:16:06,759 --> 00:16:09,840 I'd love to meet your friends and find out more about you. 257 00:16:09,919 --> 00:16:12,240 Friends? Friends are so banal. 258 00:16:12,559 --> 00:16:14,559 Let's just stick to the sex sched, okay? 259 00:16:14,639 --> 00:16:18,039 Yeah. Okay. If ya ever want to talk, you know, you got my... 260 00:16:18,120 --> 00:16:20,399 Mustache caught! 261 00:16:27,519 --> 00:16:30,399 We're gonna have to get this little guy repaired. 262 00:16:30,480 --> 00:16:33,559 Repaired? It costs more to repair it than it does to just buy a new one. 263 00:16:33,639 --> 00:16:35,480 Throw it out. It's just a dumb machine. 264 00:16:35,559 --> 00:16:40,120 - Easy there with the "M" word. - What are you talking about? 265 00:16:42,279 --> 00:16:46,320 So if somebody can't perform anymore, we throw 'em out! 266 00:16:46,399 --> 00:16:49,440 Noah confided in me that he can't get it up anymore. 267 00:16:49,519 --> 00:16:50,519 Throw him out! 268 00:16:50,600 --> 00:16:55,120 And you! You're on the other side of 35, you can't have kids anymore. 269 00:16:55,200 --> 00:16:56,360 Let's throw you out! 270 00:16:56,440 --> 00:16:58,200 Jesus, Phineas. What the hell's gotten into you. 271 00:16:58,279 --> 00:16:59,919 It's what I've gotten into! 272 00:17:00,000 --> 00:17:02,919 This lady here is a robot and the love of my life! 273 00:17:03,000 --> 00:17:04,960 And we're not hiding it anymore. 274 00:17:05,039 --> 00:17:08,240 - You! Stop eating out of her vagina! - What? 275 00:17:08,319 --> 00:17:11,039 You told me you couldn't do that without gagging. 276 00:17:13,880 --> 00:17:17,440 - Phineas, you can't date a robot. - Why? 277 00:17:17,519 --> 00:17:19,359 Harper, it wasn't so long ago 278 00:17:19,440 --> 00:17:21,720 that people would've frowned upon our relationship. 279 00:17:21,799 --> 00:17:24,240 What it is, soul brother! Right on! 280 00:17:27,160 --> 00:17:31,920 Right on, soul brother. 281 00:17:33,680 --> 00:17:37,480 Wi-Fi coverage is spotty in here. Stand in the other corner, babe. 282 00:17:38,319 --> 00:17:42,079 Go to this corner! She's just programmed to keep you happy. 283 00:17:42,160 --> 00:17:44,720 - How do I get one of those? - I heard that! 284 00:17:44,799 --> 00:17:47,759 You know what you are? Anti-Cybernetic. 285 00:17:47,839 --> 00:17:50,319 Come on, Tess. We don't need to take this. 286 00:17:50,400 --> 00:17:53,880 You know where this is leading, don't you? The singularity. 287 00:17:53,960 --> 00:17:58,160 A robot uprising that will engulf us all and invariably... 288 00:17:58,240 --> 00:18:01,759 I told you, you start going off like that, I'm gonna flick your nuts. 289 00:18:01,839 --> 00:18:03,960 Oh, dear God, I see stars. 290 00:18:08,920 --> 00:18:13,680 Hey! I noticed that picture of you in a tutu by your bed. 291 00:18:13,759 --> 00:18:16,240 So, I got two tickets to the ballet. 292 00:18:16,319 --> 00:18:19,480 That's so sweet! I'll take my husband. 293 00:18:19,559 --> 00:18:21,440 Y'all have fun. Yeah. 294 00:18:21,519 --> 00:18:23,160 So thanks for coming, everyone. 295 00:18:23,240 --> 00:18:25,440 I invited Tess here to discuss this week's book, 296 00:18:25,519 --> 00:18:30,279 "I, Robot" because she's a robot. 297 00:18:30,359 --> 00:18:32,799 What do you mean? She works in robotics? 298 00:18:32,880 --> 00:18:35,599 Nope. She's literally a robot. Metal and wires. 299 00:18:35,680 --> 00:18:39,119 - And this guy's dating her. Seriously. - I don't understand. 300 00:18:39,200 --> 00:18:42,440 Of course you don't understand. Because you're prejudiced. 301 00:18:42,519 --> 00:18:45,119 So let me break it down for you people. 302 00:18:45,200 --> 00:18:48,119 She is a robot! We are in love! 303 00:18:48,200 --> 00:18:52,960 I was gonna save this for after her firmware upgrade but what the hell? 304 00:18:53,039 --> 00:18:57,680 Tess, will you marry me? Say yes. I'm telling you to say yes. 305 00:18:57,759 --> 00:19:00,640 - Yes. - She said yes! L'chaim! 306 00:19:00,720 --> 00:19:04,119 We'll be registering at Williams-Sonoma and Radio Shack! 307 00:19:04,200 --> 00:19:07,119 Mazel Tov! I call the wine decanter and wireless charging bay. 308 00:19:07,200 --> 00:19:08,880 Give me a break. 309 00:19:08,960 --> 00:19:11,240 Congratulations you two! 310 00:19:11,319 --> 00:19:15,680 The first homosapien-robotic union in history. In my book club! 311 00:19:15,759 --> 00:19:19,240 And so it begins. The singularity... 312 00:19:20,119 --> 00:19:22,359 - I'm locked and loaded, dog. - I take it all back! 313 00:19:22,440 --> 00:19:26,640 - Is this progressive? - I think it's re-gressive. 314 00:19:26,720 --> 00:19:31,680 I think this man is using this female robot for his own selfish needs. 315 00:19:31,759 --> 00:19:33,880 The way y'all been using me? 316 00:19:33,960 --> 00:19:37,640 I'm not just a piece of beef, I got feelings too. 317 00:19:38,480 --> 00:19:42,279 You're a red blooded, American stallion. Act like it! 318 00:19:43,160 --> 00:19:46,039 You're all such hypocrites. Do you hear yourselves? 319 00:19:46,119 --> 00:19:49,200 You spend each week trying to out-woke each other in here 320 00:19:49,279 --> 00:19:50,599 and the minute you step outside, 321 00:19:50,680 --> 00:19:52,599 you treat him like a dildo in a cowboy hat. 322 00:19:52,680 --> 00:19:55,440 Dildo in a cowboy hat? That's the movie when the two dudes 323 00:19:55,519 --> 00:19:57,319 went up the mountain and broke they backs, right? 324 00:19:57,400 --> 00:20:02,240 Franklin is a real guy with a real heart and none of you ladies deserve him. 325 00:20:05,640 --> 00:20:07,079 Geez. What happened here? 326 00:20:07,160 --> 00:20:10,039 Gretchen admitted she has feelings for Franklin in a really awkward way 327 00:20:10,119 --> 00:20:11,880 and Phineas proposed to his robot girlfriend. 328 00:20:11,960 --> 00:20:15,839 He did? Hey, I'm dating a robot! I'm gonna propose too. 329 00:20:16,240 --> 00:20:19,480 Joan Krapowski 3000, I loves ya. 330 00:20:19,559 --> 00:20:23,119 Let's get married and have a whole bunch of sprockets. What do ya say? 331 00:20:23,200 --> 00:20:24,759 Freddy, stand up. 332 00:20:24,839 --> 00:20:28,000 - I gotta tell ya something. - Yes, my love? 333 00:20:28,400 --> 00:20:32,319 My name ain't Joan Krapowski 3000. It's just Joan Krapowski. 334 00:20:32,400 --> 00:20:35,000 - I don't get it. - I'm not a robot. 335 00:20:35,079 --> 00:20:37,160 - I'm a human. - Still don't get it. 336 00:20:37,240 --> 00:20:40,319 I am a human being who breathes air and eats food. 337 00:20:40,400 --> 00:20:43,319 So that's why your vagina don't come off! 338 00:20:43,960 --> 00:20:45,720 I feel so betrayed. 339 00:20:45,799 --> 00:20:49,519 I thought you'd be happy that a real woman wants to have sex with you. 340 00:20:49,599 --> 00:20:52,960 - Guess I gave you too much credit. - You certainly did. 341 00:20:53,039 --> 00:20:54,920 With regards to my farts. 342 00:20:55,000 --> 00:20:58,160 I take comfort in knowing you could smell 'em all. 343 00:21:01,119 --> 00:21:03,759 But now, we're over two hundred guests again. 344 00:21:03,839 --> 00:21:05,839 Do we have to invite the smart fridge? 345 00:21:05,920 --> 00:21:09,000 Can't invite Gretchen and not invite the refrigerator. 346 00:21:09,079 --> 00:21:10,240 Good point. 347 00:21:10,319 --> 00:21:14,200 The caterer asked, are there any titanium allergies on your side? 348 00:21:15,920 --> 00:21:19,400 What the... Hey! That's my fiancé! 349 00:21:19,799 --> 00:21:20,839 Tess! 350 00:21:24,240 --> 00:21:25,440 - Hey. - Hey. 351 00:21:25,519 --> 00:21:29,640 So I broke things off with those three ladies. 352 00:21:29,720 --> 00:21:35,119 Two of 'em were off already after your harangue, but I made it official. 353 00:21:35,200 --> 00:21:39,279 - Cool. I think that's the right move. - Yep. Yep, yepperooni. 354 00:21:39,359 --> 00:21:43,519 I guess that means old Freewheelin' Franklin's back on the market. 355 00:21:44,559 --> 00:21:49,039 Anyway, thanks for riding to my defense at that hen pecking party. 356 00:21:49,119 --> 00:21:51,480 You know I got your back, Freewheelin' Franklin. 357 00:21:51,559 --> 00:21:53,880 That's just the kind of relationship we have. 358 00:21:53,960 --> 00:21:55,319 You said it. 359 00:21:56,359 --> 00:21:59,759 Now, wait. What kind of relationship do we have? 360 00:22:03,920 --> 00:22:08,000 Tess! Thank, God. I was so scared. They just took you! 361 00:22:08,079 --> 00:22:10,279 But I'm here now, baby. Let's go home. 362 00:22:10,359 --> 00:22:14,119 If you would like to take me home, please swipe your credit card now. 363 00:22:14,200 --> 00:22:17,960 Babe! What are ya doin'? We're in love! We're getting married! 364 00:22:18,039 --> 00:22:19,240 Please swipe now. 365 00:22:19,680 --> 00:22:23,079 Yeah. Boss said you gotta pay to play, dude. 366 00:22:23,160 --> 00:22:25,680 What are you talking about? What did you do to my gal? 367 00:22:25,759 --> 00:22:30,119 Yeah. I sprayed canned air in her holes and wiped her hard drive. 368 00:22:31,200 --> 00:22:35,079 You did what? You can't do that! She's not your property! 369 00:22:35,160 --> 00:22:39,119 That's exactly what she is. She wandered off from the convention. 370 00:22:39,200 --> 00:22:42,920 - She was never yours to begin with. - But... 371 00:22:43,559 --> 00:22:46,319 The save the dates have gone out! 372 00:22:48,559 --> 00:22:51,839 We sent out the save the dates! 373 00:22:53,920 --> 00:22:56,079 Are they human? Are they robots? 374 00:22:56,160 --> 00:23:00,039 Who knows? I'm starting to think I'm not cut out for either, boys. 375 00:23:00,359 --> 00:23:04,519 Look over there. I think that jukebox is making eyes at me. 376 00:23:04,960 --> 00:23:08,400 Well, you guys might be confused but Gretchen told me 377 00:23:08,480 --> 00:23:11,319 that our relationship is like... 378 00:23:11,400 --> 00:23:14,200 And then she made a gesture and a wink. 379 00:23:14,279 --> 00:23:16,799 So, I got some real clarity. 380 00:23:17,519 --> 00:23:19,240 You have not lost a step, man. 381 00:23:19,319 --> 00:23:22,960 Barkeep! A second round of Chivas for the lads. 382 00:23:25,039 --> 00:23:28,640 We're going to her place, boys. Don't wait up!