♪ Stag flick, drag chick, sock it to me baby ♪
Provided by explosiveskull https://twitter.com/kaboomskull
♪ Horizontal boogie, in my blue movie ♪
♪ Loosey goosey, blue movie ♪
♪ French kiss, Swiss miss ♪
♪ Thai tryst with an LA twist ♪
♪ Getting juicy in my blue movie ♪
♪ Proctor playing doctor ♪
♪ Blue movie ♪
♪ Ooh la la, she burns her bra ♪
♪ Liberated cutie with a liberating booty ♪
♪ Stag flick, drag chick, sock it to me baby ♪
♪ Let it in, let it all hang out, blue movie ♪
♪ Freak flag, sex tag, blow your mind, baby ♪
♪ Fly em high, let the joint get down, blue movie ♪
♪ Catch my date in Super Eight ♪
Oh Alberta, honey, don't cry.
Nana lived a long and happy life
and you know whose music we played at the funeral,
just like she wanted.
Honey, Nana would've understood.
Mom, I didn't even realize she was so sick,
I could've flown out.
Alberta, you know what your, well, nevermind,
you couldn't have,
but you're here in spirit.
Mom, please don't tell me
you wore a Def Leppard shirt to the service.
What?
It was black.
Anyway,
sweetie, Nana left some of her things just for you.
I sent you a package.
Oh God, I hope it arrives safely.
Oh, yeah yeah, thanks Mom
It came this morning,
Okay, I'll talk to you later.
♪ Dripping sunshine ♪
♪ Wet window pane ♪
♪ Cry of love for souls unchained ♪
Hi Russell, welcome to the 21st century.
Oh, I almost forgot.
Sugar!
And that was another unforgettable song
from Creed.
Next up on KLUV, an hour long rock block, commercial free,
of Russell Aquarius from 1970 at the Gettysburg Music Fest,
his very last concert.
Don't worry folks,
we won't be playing the very end and with good reason.
Today would have been Russell's 58th birthday,
had he not been taken from us so young.
In fact, he was an early member of the 27 Club
forging the paths of Jimmy Hendrix, Janice Joplin,
the great Jim Morrison,
and not so long ago, Mr. Kurt Cobain,
who all died at the tender age of 27.
Oh, what a sweet racket there must be in heaven, baby.
Happy Birthday, Russell.
♪ I'll show you paradise woman!!! - ♪
Dadgummit!
This is Alberta.
What do you mean the meeting's been changed?
This is the third time you've done this without telling me.
Well, it's when?
Now?
Fudge sticks!
Just tell him to hold on, I'll be right there.
No, no, no, don't you dare go in my place.
You don't know the project like I do, Julio.
Julio?!
Oh, you brown nosing piece of shingle!
Where is it?
Ugh, I hate this fricking job!
Russell hated mornings, always had.
Long before his ascent from folk clubs
to Fillmore's East and West,
and all the psychedelic joints he'd played in between.
Fact is,
unless he was puking up peyote in the desert
while hallucinating coyote gods,
Russell pretty much didn't like daytime at all.
Son of a!
Now years ago,
Russell might have freaked out
waking up in some unknown place next to a stranger,
having no memory as to how he got there.
But after a few tours, this became a regular occurrence,
kind of like Russell's morning ritual.
He'd just go with the flow.
In the past,
if Russell had seen a groupie as unglued as this,
he'd have given her his famous smile
and helped her right through her bad trip.
But after that crazy stalker had come on the scene,
he was fearful.
It wasn't all just peace and love,
grass and microdots anymore.
Now there were chicks high on angel dust
who wanted to carve swastikas into your forehead,
Manson family style while you slept.
That's the last time I mix creme de menthe with mescaline.
Still got it.
♪ Get in my groovy technicolor Volkswagen van ♪
♪ I'll take you to paradise, ooh, my sexy wo-man ♪
What is this?
Whoa.
Hey girl.
Glad you've mellowed out.
What's for dinner?
I just turned you off.
Uh,
foxy lady, to the contrary, you turn me on.
What?
You blew my mind last night, girl, among other things.
Oh, it looks like you're flipping the switch right now.
Oh boy.
Okay, where are the cameras?
I swear I put them here.
You're solid.
Uh yeah babe, I'm as hard as a rock.
Okay, who the heck are you and what are you doing here?
Wait, is that my robe?
Did Julio hack into my computer
and send you to mess with me?
If so, I will shove my foot right up his arse.
You got spunk, I like that.
Oh wait, did my mom send you to make me feel better?
What are you, like a celebrity impersonator,
a singing telegram, what?
Don't even.
My avatar!
Oh my gosh.
Your abattoir?
Man, you're one far out chick.
Russell didn't know
what in the Maharajah's name she was talking about.
If she was like most groupies,
she was way out in Ruby Tuesday land.
So again, what's for dinner?
You eat?
Oh um, how fascinating, I um.
Okay, I um, I don't really cook.
Come on, chicks dig doing stuff like that.
What?
Oh!
Okay, it's a microwave.
Here you go.
You can eat it.
What?
This uh, astronaut food um, kind of interesting.
Oh, they're um, called chicken nuggets.
Well, they taste like Play-Doh smells,
so you're better off not having any.
Besides, you could stand to lose a few pounds anyway.
What?
I'm not saying you're fat or anything
because damn woman,
your body felt pretty fucking good last night.
Gosh, you are so warm.
I'm hotter than Ravi Shankar's ass on a tabla.
Huh.
Ow!
Gosh.
Stop it, stop it.
Where did you come from?
Now that's the universal question, now isn't it?
I feel like I haven't eaten in a century.
More like 50 years.
Huh.
What else you got?
Okay, listen, can we just go sit in the living room?
I, I really need a glass of wine or three.
You?
Okay great, come on.
Anyway, you're probably wondering my name.
Uh, not exactly,
but you can tell me if it'll make you feel more relaxed.
You know, we'll be flying united tonight again.
I get it.
Um anyway, my name is Alberta and.
Huh, that's kind of old fashioned.
I'm used to groupies with names like Daffodil or Mary Juana,
but that's cool, you know?
I dig you.
Flattered kind of, but I am no groupie.
I am a computer programmer and I-
- A what?
Oh yes, of course, so I develop code,
which is going to go over your head too,
but basically I made your avatar.
Here you go again.
Can't we just enjoy the evening?
Here, I'm giving you my glass so you can wash it
or keep it as a souvenir or something.
I don't know what you girls do with these kinds of things.
What?
That was my idea, bung hole.
When you're done, lover, I'll be in bed waiting
patiently.
I probably should research your capabilities.
Yeah?
Yeah.
Listen um, I just,
I need to take a quick shower
because I didn't have time this morning.
So?
Really, I must reek.
It's the Seventies for fuck's sake.
Oh Russell, no, no, no, not really, no.
You should know that.
Look, we're all children of the earth
like that Rousseau cat said,
so let's cut the square bullshit and let it all hang out,
my sweet Albania.
Uh, Alberta
What?
♪ Cheek to cheek, hip to hip ♪
♪ Beak to beaker, trip to trip ♪
♪ I'm a furry freak ♪
Oh my gosh.
Damn, my lady.
I've been with too many strung out Twiggy chicks.
What, so what are you saying?
You like my chub?
You got the body of a goddess.
I do?
Uh-huh.
Hey, when you're done in there,
be a doll and make me something to eat, would you?
What?
Do you need something?
Are you holding?
What?
I'm jonesing, man.
Oh yes, rockstar, got it.
Oh Russell, you will love this.
Would you believe that cannabis is legal now?
I get this delivered.
What, grass is straight?
I must've died and gone to heaven.
Maybe you have,
but some states require a doctor's note,
which is a joke because nearly everyone has one.
I mean, even my Nana has one, had one.
Hello, earth to Alfresco.
Sorry.
This is Hindu Kush, it's the best.
This is just candy.
Oh no, no, no,
they're pot gummies.
Groovy, give those yummy gummies to me.
Oh Russell, no,
those are way stronger than you're used to.
Much better.
Whoa, this is hitting me faster than usual.
What?
Fascinating.
I guess I gotta research this.
Right on, man.
Yeah, this ain't no skunk weed.
Nice and sweet.
Hey, what else you got?
Shrooms, acid, ups, downs, reds, black beauties,
bennies, big chief, blow?
I got a box of fluff balls in the kitchen.
Fluff balls?
Wow, I am really impressed.
You can really handle your THC.
If I had that many gummies,
I would like probably be in the hospital.
Got anything else?
What's with the look?
Who died?
Well, look Russell, you did.
We never really die, man.
Stardust is immortal,
but if you're talking about
the first time I played at Cafe Wha,
okay yes, maybe I did die up there that night,
but the next night, I really killed it.
Russell, you were electrocuted by a microphone in 1970.
You were only 27 years old.
You're a real laugh riot.
No, no, no, I'm not joking.
Well, you ain't no Phyllis Diller, tell you that.
No Russell, listen to me.
My, my Nana was your biggest fan,
she was even at your last concert.
Your Nana?
Old farts, no offense,
don't come to my shows, except to bust them up.
Yeah, but she was, look,
she was very young back then and very, very pretty, look.
Ooh, did she and I ever get it on?
No, she was married to my grandpa then.
So?
I used to go to her house after school
and we'd crank up the Aquarius.
You.
Oh, Grammy loves my music, huh?
That's cool, man, groovy.
Well, she did.
She would have been your age.
Well, the age you would have been, if you hadn't, you know.
Well, maybe like these delicious snack cakes, I'm just very well preserved.
preserved.
No. Actually, there was a beautiful funeral for you and everything.
All right, then, who came to my funeral, hmm?
Bill Burroughs, Vonnegut, was Plant there?
Swear that bastard stole my lyrics.
Look, you talk a good game,
but I just don't believe you, Albatross.
Alberta.
What?
Okay, look down.
No, look at these concert tickets.
Okay.
Look at the date.
The Stones are still touring.
Yes.
Now I know you're putting me on.
My Nana got me these, hoping I'd actually go.
Okay here, look at this.
What is that thing anyways?
It's an iPhone.
Does everyone have those things in your supposed future?
Some people, like my mom, have Androids.
And my Uncle Spock has a phaser
Okay, check it out.
You're on a behind the music show on YouTube,
My Tube?
It's the Russell Aquarius episode,
it starts with footage from your last concert, look.
Russell is one of the few musicians
who have died on stage, much to the shock of fans.
♪ I'll show you paradise, woman! ♪
When we return,
we'll talk with Robert Plant,
who remembers Russell's tragic decline into drug addiction
on Aquarius Rises and Falls.
It just makes me want to trash a hotel room!
Russell, I'm sorry, I forgot.
No babe, let's ball later, all right?
God, right know I could use a stiff drink.
Oh.
Russell I'm sorry.
I swear I wasn't trying to bum you out earlier.
It's just, I don't know.
My therapist says I got to work on my interpersonal skills,
which she's probably right,
but like, look, if I was you. I'd want to know too.
I just,
I just thought you need to know what happened to you,
that's all.
I think uh, I'm having a bad trip.
No, no Russ,
you're a hundred percent not having a bad trip,
'cause look, Russell, I made you.
What do you mean, you made me?
Yeah, I made you,
like I developed your code, which caused you to.
God, enough with the freak jive!
Okay, hold on, let me show you.
I want to show you something.
Look at this Russell.
This right here, this is you.
This is the you I made after my Nana passed away.
That doesn't even look like me!
We used to dance to "Furry Freak" so much.
God, "Furry Freak."
We even wore down the grooves on your record.
Thank you.
This is your set list.
You could get a lot of money for that on eBay, really?
E-Bay?
Yep.
and now I'm a part of a development team at MuziTech,
after working on my own coding for years
and now I'm a part of a development team at MuziTech,
a supposedly cutting edge company,
but they're so far behind the times, it's not even funny.
To say nothing of all the ding holes,
they're trying to make me look bad,
just 'cause I'm a GD woman,
but hey, it's the first job since grad school
that I've been able to use my AI training, so.
Artificial insemination.
You would.
Artificial intelligence.
God, sounds like my first guitar teacher,
always pretending he was so smart.
Gosh, I thought I had this all figured out,
then I, I guess I jacked the algorithms, it blew a fuse.
No, okay, whoever you are and whoever you blew,
doesn't matter, okay?
Just stop this talk.
Oh, Christ, it's like an Altamont all over again
and I'm bumming on the brown tabs.
Russell, you're so cute, I'm sorry.
It's just, come here, come here.
What?
Put your foot on the table, your right foot.
What?
Do you see that right there?
That's me, that is my signature on your foot.
A for Alberta, you are my avatar.
No man, that's A for Aquarius!
I got this tattoo when, when.
Oh man, I don't remember!
What, are you kidding me?
What are you saying, babe?
That dill weed, taking credit for my work.
Put that stupid phaser away.
I'm sorry, it's just that this Dingus at my office
is trying to steal my code and get me fired.
Dagnabbit.
You were saying something about our lives
being part of one huge, what did you call it?
Avatar?
No, that's not exactly what I said/
Woman.
What?
You wouldn't believe the vision I just had.
I'm being born and I see my whole life and my death,
right here in the palm of your hand.
At least the way I will die,
if I don't expand my consciousness pronto.
God, it's clear as a fuck bell now.
If I don't get my shit together,
the heavens are gonna rain down upon me, bam,
with a thunderbolt.
Like this?
Russell, I don't mean to be mean,
but you were electrocuted by a microphone.
Wow.
Good metaphor.
No, like I said, in 1970.
Wha? Are you okay?
I just experienced pure cosmic cautiousness, man.
Russell.
Alpha to mother loving Omega.
Oh my gosh.
There are no words to describe this.
It's like I was born and reborn in a blink of an eye.
It's too much, it's too fucking beautiful, man.
The whole freak out amigo, comprende?
Oh dammit, I fucked my mind for good.
I'm gonna be a headcase like Syd Barrett.
Don't you see woman,
Knowing what I now know,
I can never go back to this illusion you call the real world
ever again, huh?
And I'm never going to go back on stage ever again,
only to be killed by heaven's wrath!
Okay, okay,
everything is going to be all right, okay?
Come on man, seriously?
It's so freaking late.
Dude, you're all worried about the real world.
You're not even real.
Oh, like that's supposed to make me feel any better.
If you're some benevolent spirit from the future,
your bedside manner is the shits.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
That was very mean of me.
I need sleep and you need sleep and it's time for bed, okay?
Don't get me all wrong,
you're all like va va voom, baby,
but I do not feel like balling right now.
I'm talking about getting sleep, not sex, you jerk.
Look, in the morning,
you can look at your notes
and work your Russell Aquarius magic on them, okay?
If you're still here.
I do have an idea for a song cycle.
That's the spirit.
Okay, come on.
And maybe after that,
you can give me one of your sexy jerks.
Something like that, maybe.
Okay yeah, but listen, first sleep, okay?
But wait, I'm gonna need like an instrument or something
or like a guitar or a piano
or shit, might even a sitar would do.
How about a nice tambourine?
Like some chick on the sidelines, or Robert Plant.
No way, Alfalfa.
Alberta.
What?
Come on, Russ.
What?
Lay down.
Why?
Look,
I will get you whenever you need tomorrow, okay?
Just please, come on, get some sleep.
No, I don't wanna go to bed.
Yes and in the meantime,
I'll try to make some tweaks to your code,
so you won't feel so sad.
Enough of this freak talk.
How chauvinistic.
Hey, where are you going, Albacore?
It's Alberta.
Oh, is that what you call yourself now?
It is, and I am going to work.
What is it you do again for work?
Secretary, waitress?
I am an augmented reality systems analyst
and programming department head.
Yeah.
Classic.
Okay, I've got to get to the office.
There's a fresh pot of coffee in the kitchen for you.
No man, coffee's for squares.
You got any like Echinacea and rose hips tea?
And I'm the square.
Oh, I really, really, really want to get a guitar.
Yes.
It's a little late, so manage your expectations,
but I'll see if I can get same day delivery.
Just split over to McCabe's Music, man.
Pick one up.
I can't, I mean, first there's LA traffic,
which, could you believe is even worse now?
No fucking way.
Yeah, but the real reason is,
and I might as well just tell you,
is that I have this condition where.
What's for dinner?
Thanks for listening.
You're welcome.
As far as dinners go
and the copious amounts of food you consume,
any special requests?
I don't know, just no space age cubes again.
How about Chinese?
Chinese would be great.
Mao's one far out cat and I love that Hop Sing Bonanza dude.
Yikes, I have really got to get you acclimated
to the PC era of today, which should go horribly,
but I've got to go.
Wait, let me walk you to the door, my lady.
No, no Russell.
Never let it be said
that Russell Aquarius is not a gallant man.
Russell no, no, no.
Russell, Russell, no!
What just happened?
You just pixelated.
What?
Russell, Russell, I cannot deal with this right now.
I have to go to work and I cannot be late.
You, you do not leave the apartment, it will kill you.
But haven't you been saying I'm already dead?
Look, look, I'm going back to bed before I,
how do you say it, Pixie late?
Thank you.
Ah fuck it, let's try this trip again.
No, Russell no!
It's the San Fernando Valley!
Valley?
Ugh, I fucking hate mornings.
What am I doing?
Once Russell hit the pillow,
he wasn't light-headed anymore,
but he still couldn't sleep,
not with the flashbacks from the mind fuck trip
he'd taken the night before
and he couldn't get out of his head,
the image of that foxy Alberta girl,
holding that glowing gizmo
that recorded his own life and death.
How long had he been hold up?
A couple of nights, weeks?
It didn't matter.
He trusted his intuition his whole life
and that had brought him fame, fortune, and sex,
without all the annoying perspective and soul searching.
He'd scored with hundreds of women,
single, married, transsexual, lesbian,
and acquired some bitching cars along the way.
His instincts told him to stay inside
and away from the never-ending circus
of groupies and freaks
that were surely hanging around this place.
Here, he can mellow after that Gettysburg gig
and do some writing, lots of it.
Where's that masterpiece I wrote last night?
Ha, found it.
Oh, this is heavy.
I died and my soul got chucked inside a pint-size computer
cell phones, dial tones of higher consciousness,
minds blown in the digital sky.
I am the divine and carnal avatar,
death foretold, a palm robot to the priestess.
This is the most far out shit ever, woo!
Eat your heart out, Dylan.
Oh, and Morrison?
Go suck yourself.
Gunta!
Russell calling Gunta.
Calling Gunta, come in Gunta.
How'd that wench get this do hickey to work?
Hello?
Alberta?
Are you there, or did you just butt dial me?
Yoo hoo, Alberta?
I need to talk to you about the racket last night.
Go away.
I said, go away.
You do not want to anger my Android.
Who is this?
Russell.
What, what?
Oh, hey uh, babe.
You still don't remember my name?
Anyway, I was able to get same day delivery
on a guitar for you.
This guitar,
I smashed one of these on stage at the Avalon.
Forgive me my lovely, for I know not what I did.
Oh wait, wait, wait, is that the Avalon concert in 1967?
Russ, I have that concert on Blu Ray.
You were amazing in it, seriously.
Hey, do you think you could play a little "Acid Rain" for me?
Please?
If you knew about me as much as you said you did,
my chubby little witch,
you would know that I will not play that song anymore.
I'm sorry, jeez... Wait a second, chubby?
Pardonne-moi. Zaftig.
You know I like the cushion.
Don't be so uptight, woman.
Oh Russ, I forgot to tell you,
I got you some pics and a kit,
so you can plug into my laptop.
You can even upload your songs and store them in the cloud.
Slow down, slow down.
It's like you're speaking from the Tibetan Book of the Dead
in Greek. And what's what's the pajamas anyways?
Does everybody go to work like that now?
Oh um, yeah, you'd be surprised,
but actually, I don't leave the apartment building.
You mean you were here all day?
Could have used a break a little bit earlier.
Well, I mean, I wasn't really here, here.
Come again?
Well, I telecommute.
Eight hours a day, five days a week,
I work in my virtual office.
What?
Basically, I just rent a room upstairs for work
because I, I can't leave the apartment building.
Why not?
It's like, it's kind of embarrassing actually,
but I'm agoraphobic.
Yeah. I'm Angora-phobic too, I'm terrified of rabbits.
One time,
this giant rabbit chase me from the Whiskey a Go Go
all the way to the Avalon Ballroom.
I appreciate the sentiment, but no, it's agoraphobic,
it's a little different,
it's where someone is afraid to go outside.
It's like horrifying.
Anyway, I am working on getting better.
I have this online therapist
and she has me leave for work every day.
She also says I'm really negative
and I have to work on that too,
which is why I can't use cuss words anymore.
No shit.
Yeah, but you want to know
what gets me through most days, Russell?
Do you know that song lyric that you wrote,
F-E-A-R, face everything and rise?
I wrote that?
Must've been an outtake.
And so now, I go upstairs to what used to be
the tenant's business communal center
and I never have to leave the building.
Anyway, that's why I had your stuff delivered.
Fascinating.
Hey Alpaca, is that food I smell?
And now back to the Russell Show.
I have a show?
Food is in the kitchen where it belongs, okay?
Not on the floor where you keep apples, I guess.
I hope it's not chicken nuggets again.
It's Chinese, remember?
No, Holy Christ on crutches, babe, I'm still tripping.
My memory is like Swiss cheese... without the cheese.
Look, I've got you a nice, cute little outfit
that I think you're going to be very happy with.
Why don't you go get dressed?
Maybe.
So do you like the guitar?
Oh, love it, babe.
Thank you.
That's the first time you've ever said thank you to me.
I want to play you some of the songs I've been writing,
I've been at it all day, you know?
I'm like that Mad Monk Rasputin, I'm unstoppable.
Even that old bat who told me to keep it down
ain't going ruin my flow.
Oh no, was it Helen?
Just some square trying to kill my buzz.
Why, who's Helen?
Oh gosh, she's my nosy landlord.
She lives right below us.
She's always asking about every guy I bring over.
Every guy?
I had a boyfriend once.
Good thing I don't do old broads.
Maybe you should.
You know, Helen's not much older
than the age you would be now.
What's your point?
That you don't always have to date young women.
Well my point
is that no one's going to stop me
from completing my Opus, Gesamptkunstwerk.
I'm just a machine,
like that little robot thing you play with all the time.
You left it here this morning, you know?
Oh, my phone?
Yeah, I'm kinda trying to wean myself.
It's like my pacifier, especially since my Nana passed away.
Wait a second, you didn't touch my phone, did you?
Well, of course I did,
I've got a, what do you call it?
Curious nature.
Where is it?
Just mellow, woman.
Your Android is fine.
The dude I talked to said your butt calls him all the time.
How do you do that, babe?
Who did you talk to?
He said you usually hang up on him.
I'm thinking um Eric, no Derrick.
Yes, Derek like Derek and the Dominoes.
Merrick, you talked to Merrick?
That's the one.
He said he was surprised he was still on,
how do you say, speed dial since you two broke up and all.
You talked to my ex,
oh my gosh, about what?
Relax, he explained the whole situation to me,
okay?
But I told him to leave you alone because
you're my old lady now.
I am?
I got to get this concept album done,
then I'm back on tour and once that happens.
Wait a second,
you said you weren't getting on stage anymore.
I'm going to play a song I wrote just for you, Albino.
Close enough.
♪ She carries the sun in the palm of her hand ♪
♪ My priestess and my soul are one ♪
♪ A flash of white light, our future tonight ♪
♪ Her beauty here is second to none ♪
♪ Erato, my muse ♪
♪ You're blowing my fuse ♪
♪ And not like the time that I died ♪
♪ So don't say you'll ever go ♪
♪ Unless you mean with the flow ♪
♪ Oh, my dark sweet Albino ♪
I meant that part, you know about being my muse, man
and I think I'm going to stick around
until I get my head together.
Not that I care but, how old did you say you were?
It's not polite to ask a woman her age, you know?
Yeah, but you know, you're not jail bait, right?
No, I'm a consenting adult, don't you worry.
Um, you never grew any uh, bush.
Oh my God.
What?
Yes, of course I did, I just shave it off.
What the hell for?
I shave my pits too.
Oh, not so furry freaky, but still freaky deaky.
Yeah, I guess.
A lot of woman are hairless now, you know that?
Like a chihuahua?
Ew, yeah though.
You know, and a lot of guys, they sport bearded dragons.
Bearded dragons?
No.
No more cuddle time, I take it?
Oh come on Albion, you're not being constructive.
I just have to release my sex mojo
so that I can get back to writing.
Okay.
Well, two can play that game.
What are you doing?
I'm just trying to make sense of all this
because if you are connected to the avatar,
then there's gotta be a way to save you.
Save me?
Don't lay that holy roller crap on me.
I mean to store you and back you up so I don't lose you.
Wait, you're going to store me away?
Not for long, okay?
I just can't have you roaming around 24/7,
making messes and getting bored when I'm away at work.
You are being so uptight right now.
Russell, it'll be just like you're asleep.
You love sleep
and then I'll make sure you remember
all of your music and writings and stuff.
You're one smart cookie with the sweetest ass.
Ablucia.
I want to get to know you, you know?
I dig you, I wanna find out what makes you tick.
What would you like to know about me?
And then later my sweet lady,
I want to take these legs that are just made to be spread
and screw you silly, even if you are bald, like Mr. Clean.
Oh my God, again, really?
Okay, but first I want to clean this code.
When you're done cleaning, can you grab me a beer?
Ow.
What are you some kind of Women's Libber?
Yes, as a matter of fact, I am.
All right, darling, power to the lady people,
burn those bras,
or I don't know, use your minds and do men stuff.
Be quiet.
Hey mom.
Hey honey.
Oh, sounds like Nana's records.
Yeah, is it too loud?
I could tell him to, I mean, I could turn it off.
That's okay, I can still hear you.
You and Nana were such the Aquarius fans.
I always thought that was kind of strange
for a girl your age.
I mean, why couldn't you listen to some decent music,
like Motley Crue or even Stryper?
I know mom, you tell me this all the time, okay?
But listen, now is not a good time,
it's, it's kind of crazy around here.
Crazy?
Ssh!
Did you just shush me, Alberta Renee Stevens?
Russell!
Mom, I got to go.
Russell!
Where are you?
At your service.
Oh my gosh!
Stop it, please.
What?
All this computer stuff, you're working all the time.
That's what everybody does now.
Well, I thought you hated your job.
I do, but I love my work.
Well, you're wasting your time, Albuprion.
You can't change me and sure as hell can't save me.
Russell, I am not trying to change who you are
and I'm definitely not trying to save your soul.
It's a little late for that anyway,
but I am trying to save you, okay?
You as a corporeal being.
Don't you get it?
I'm trying to save the genius
who died in the creative prime of his life.
Like if I were to shut you down right now, I would,
I mean the whole world would lose you
and all of your creative potential.
What happens if the power goes out
for more than just a couple of seconds?
Poof, gone.
Well, that sounds like a bowl of fuck.
Why don't just buy another Russell Aquarius avatar?
Oh, heck no, no.
This avatar is mine.
I made it from scratch, okay?
Yeah, there's some sneaky crap coders out there
who make cheapo rockstar avatars, but no, not you, baby.
I made you because I can program
the stuffing out of those jerks.
Come here, I'll show you, look at this.
Look at this, pathetic.
Some yokel from New Jersey
has created his own Russell Aquarius avatar,
oh and he's got a Robert Plant too.
Fucking Percy Plant.
Hey, whatever happened to him anyway?
Robert Plant?
Oh, he wrote a song a year after you died,
Stairway to Heaven
and there were rumors that it was -
You know what?
Nevermind.
He is not worth getting you worked up over.
It's not about him, okay?
I'm just bummed,
cause this dude I was talking to on your robot
said it'd be a dark day for me.
What, who, Merrick?
No, some young cat.
I think his name was Poulio or.
Julio?
You talked to Julio?
I was trying to call Gunta, my astrologer.
Oh my gosh, of all people,
this could get me fired, Russell.
I said mellow, woman.
You know astrology is only for entertainment purposes.
No, okay?
Julio is not an astrologer, he's a programmer like me.
Oh, so Mercury is not in retro grade?
No, I mean, I don't know, maybe,
but the point is, Julio knows you're alive now.
Make up your mind, woman.
Am I alive, or did I die in 1970?
Russell, if anyone from MuziTech
finds out that I finished you,
they'll think that you are a part of their project
and they'll take you away from me, get it?
You mean you were hired to make me?
I thought you loved my, my music.
You've been lying to me?
Russell, I love you.
I mean, I love your music
and right now,
that's the only thing that I have left of my Nana.
I'm sorry about your grandma.
I lost my family too when I was real little,
then I was raised by a toothless bitty hag.
What?
No, no, that was Mick Jagger
and that's not even the right lyrics.
Fucking Mick Jagger stole that from me?
Russell, I do know all about your childhood
and I am a real fan,
so when they hired me to make celebrity avatars,
I had a ton of projects at the same time,
but I wanted to keep you all to myself.
I never worked on you ever, during company time, never
and my coding is my own.
You made me to perfection.
I think so too.
I told them at work that the experiment failed
because I couldn't bear the thought of you
being mass produced.
Everything will be okay.
That Julio guy predicted though.
Okay, hold up.
Did he find out who you were?
Negative.
You're sure?
I really need a tape recorder, babe.
I've got some trippy ideas I want to lay down.
Okay, well you could use my phone,
but I'm taking it with me to work in the morning.
You mean upstairs?
Don't make fun.
Okay I won't, but I don't want your phone.
I need to record now though, woman, now!
I never know when I'll be struck full blown
by the hand of Zeus and all my ideas go split into my head
like a bloody pinata!
Okay, okay.
I think I have an old handheld laying around here somewhere.
How's about we ball first, hm?
Okay, there you go.
How does this pipsqueak connect to a reel-to-reel?
It doesn't, okay?
It records and plays back all by itself.
It's not as good as a computer,
but that's a little advanced for you anyway,
Mr. Analog Man.
Advanced?
I can light up a 16 track console
with just a Mellotron with both hands tied behind my back.
Okay, with this thing, ready?
Two things, record, stop.
There you go, I'm going to bed.
I have to log into work's database extra early now
to make sure Julio doesn't know anything.
Thank you for that.
No!
What are you doing?
Watching some mind blowing shit
about the merging of man and machine.
And this?
Honestly, it's the bluest stag film I've ever seen.
Russell, listen to me.
I care about you, okay?
You know that.
I mean, beyond us hooking up, right?
I just lost Nana, I lost Merrick.
Well okay, I dumped him.
I think he and Helen had a thing.
He told me he never bagged her,
he said he really hates landowners.
That's one cool Commie.
He said that?
Anyhow, do not mess around with my computer.
Oh come on, Aladdin, no more stag films?
No, no more stag films!
Look, I can't risk that you change something
and everything that is you is erased.
Everything?
Oh God,
I need to figure out how to upload every part of you,
not just the foxholes and the behavior tree.
Look, I know you don't know what I'm saying right now,
but understand this,
there's a big difference between you
and the you on the screen, okay?
Get up, move, move.
I need to figure something out.
Why does this look so freaking different?
What the heck, what the heck?
This is not my laptop.
Where did you get this?
Some repairman came by the door,
he said you called to come pick it up,
he left you this loner.
What do you mean some repairman?
He was wearing like a square outfit,
coveralls with some music thingy.
Music thingy, did it say MuziTech?
Probably, he was some young cat.
Okay, what did he look like?
Did he have black hair, glasses?
Looked like a Latino Seth Rogen, what?
Seth who?
Like, like Woody Allen, glasses?
Uh yeah, probably, I don't.
Dangit!
God, I can't believe you let him in here.
That was Julio!
The astrology dude?
Oh my God, I feel like I'm gonna be sick.
I feel sick.
You feel sick?
So do I.
I feel so tired.
I'm sporting a bearded dragon now myself.
Russell, Russell, Russell, focus, okay?
Okay, when did Julio come by?
You're obsessed with that guy.
Oh my gosh,
I don't know how much backup charge you have left.
Clock watching is for the suits.
Oh my God, they've locked me out.
Oh, head rush.
Russell!
Russell, Russell, stay still, okay?
You need to save your energy.
Oh my God, let's get you to the bedroom.
Oh God.
Okay, gosh this Jersey avatar sucks,
but it's better than nothing.
Give me your hand.
Russell, listen to me, okay?
You've got to keep the computer going.
You have to keep the avatar animated.
Yes, perfect, just like that, okay?
Alabama, I want to see the Jersey shore before I die.
Russell, Russell, listen to me, okay?
You've got to keep this thing alive, okay?
And I've got to get my computer back.
Russell, wake up!
Wake up, okay?
I've got to go to Muzi-Tech!
Albumen, no, the Angoras are gonna get you.
I've gotta do it.
Don't take the Lincoln.
Face everything and rise.
Okay.
Nope, nope.
Russell's head started to spin
like a spaceship at zero gravity
and his face burned like Napalm at high noon,
his body shook like an Elvis the Pelvis with Parkinson's
on a trampoline.
This can't be the end.
No, I was resurrected
because the children of Aquarius are all avatars now
and I am their electric messiah!
Or maybe I only came back
because Altadena needed to get laid.
That's as good a reason as any,
Stay with me!
Okay.
Oh, Russell.
Hey.
Thank God Julio did not get through my N-A-N-A encryption.
Hey, are you okay, Alaska?
Yeah, you should see the other guy.
I really need to talk to Siddy.
Siddy?
Oh, your old manager.
Why?
Because there's this line
that didn't end up making it on "Scorpio's Mantra"
and I need the exact lyric.
I had the perfect number of "ever and ever and evers"
and I just can't remember if it was three or four.
Ouch.
Um, even if Siddy were still alive,
what makes you think that he'd have your lyric?
Siddy would have them.
I gave him copies of everything
before I left for Gettysburg for safekeeping.
Thank you.
Copies, why?
Because of Crazy Dallas Chick
and the fire that destroyed my whole arsenal.
Crazy Dallas Chick, who's that?
I thought you knew everything about me.
Well, I know that your real name
is Russ Clatterbottom.
You had a pet frog named Jumpy.
You were orphaned
and your parents were nominated
for the Darwin Award Hall of Fame
and course I know about the fire,
everybody knows about the fire,
but I thought it was just an accident.
It's nice to keep a few secrets.
We musicians call it the mystique.
I'd like your robot to call Sid for me.
Oh, my cell phone, this is called a cell phone.
Then give me the self phone.
Cell phone.
I don't want to buy it, woman. I just want to borrow it.
Do you even have Sid's number?
Uh, right in here.
Please give it to me.
Wait.
Okay, go.
It's ringing.
Hello?
Uh, Sid please.
Who?
You have to speak up, young man, I don't have my ears on.
Sid Greenblatt.
This is his office, right?
Sidney, someone's calling for you,
thinks this is still your office.
Greenblatt here, who's this?
♪ Cheek to cheek, hip to hip ♪
♪ Beat to beat, girl, trip to trip ♪
♪ I'm a furry freak ♪
Who IS this?
The real Aquarius, baby.
I'm sorry, Mr. Greenblatt, please don't hang up.
My name is Alberta.
Who?
Yeah, who?
I just want to say, sir, I am a huge fan.
I've read so much about you
and it, it is an honor to talk to the man
who is the brains behind the genius.
Cut the Culver City circle jerk
and just tell me what you want.
Yes, yes sir.
Basically I'm, I'm an AI designer,
a computer programmer, some say,
and I created, well, you just heard him.
He's the most realistic avatar ever made.
What?
Oh, I'm uh, how thoughtless of me, sir.
An avatar is basically an image that-
- I know what a fucking avatar is.
Do you know what FaceTime is?
Put him on it for me, let me see this creation of yours.
Wait, wait, wait, wait, what's FaceTime?
It's where you can talk to people face to face.
You know like, like the Jetsons, remember?
Wow.
Hold on.
What are you doing?
Well, I stole this from him.
What?
He looks perfect.
Thanks man.
Hey, I need the original lyrics to "Scorpio's Mantra,"
Could you bring those over?
Are you kidding?
I've gotta, I've gotta see this for myself.
Well, here's the thing, Mr. Greenblatt.
Call me Sid, doll.
Oh Sid, Sid, well this avatar
is not like any you've ever seen before.
I mean, this Russell is like flesh, blood, and bone.
Oh, especially bone, right babe?
All right, all right,
well Missy, bring him over here.
Oh no, no, no, I'm so sorry.
I wish I could, but I mean,
if he even tries to leave the apartment,
he, it's just, it's just not possible.
No problemo, I've still got my '66 Buick.
Remember that ad, Russ?
The Door's made bank, but not you.
No, you never wanted to be a sellout
and I never got what I deserved.
Listen here, Siddy.
I live in Van Nuys, right off the 101.
I'm sorry to hear that.
Text your deets, doll and I'll be there in 20.
I don't believe it, you're real!
In the flesh.
It can't be you.
It is me!
What?
Oh my God.
Clatterbottom, I can't believe it!
Okay, I'm going to record this, is that okay?
Yes, please do.
Check this out.
♪ Take a dive into the universal mind, with me, man ♪
♪ Ions digging ethers, it's a groovy cybernetic machine ♪
♪ Split this mother ship ♪
♪ And we'll sail upon the astral seas, baby ♪
♪ 69 dimensions every second, it's the ultimate scene ♪
♪ What killed me made me stronger ♪
♪ And I traded blood for circuits of lead ♪
♪ So shed your bones and silicone ♪
♪ Jump in the mainframe instead ♪
And that, that right there was where the lyrics go.
Oh my God, that was sweet, Clatterbottom.
That was really sweet.
I know.
You're the only one who can call me Clatterbottom.
Well you and Claudia
are the only ones who could call me Siddy.
Oh, is Claudia your wife?
Yeah, my wife.
For 50 years, she's my wife.
You're not talking about Crazy Dallas Chick, are you?
Yes I am.
Are you fucking out of your mind?
After what she did to me?
You should be thanking me because I saved your life.
I did that.
Oh, there you go Siddy,
always trying to be the hero.
I could have handled her, I could have done it.
And you know what?
There you go, Clatterbottom.
You pseudo intellectual ingrate.
You wouldn't even have been alive to die at Gettysburg
if it wasn't for me.
If I wasn't babysitting you, designing your album covers,
making sure there were no god damn green M & M's backstage.
I was protecting you against Crazy Dallas Chick,
aka C.D.C., aka Claudia D.D. Cummings.
Yeah but.
Yeah, but nothing.
Do you remember in Houston when you sang "Acid Rain"
and she rushed the stage with that battery acid,
remember that?
I lost my eye because of you.
Oh, that's why you never played "Acid Rain"
after the Houston show
because of that Crazy Dallas Chick?
I took the ultimate bullet for you.
I married her!
All she does is talk about you.
It's always Russell this, Russell that,
driving crazy for 50 years.
I'm sorry, Siddy.
Do you have the lyrics?
Yeah, I got them right here.
I saved everything.
It was four, it was four.
Okay babe, do you have the recorder set up?
Looks like it.
Okay.
Wow, you know, I know how to do this.
All right, play.
♪ With our souls in the cloud ♪
♪ We're gonna live forever and ever and ever and ever ♪
That's a record,
I just put it onto a streaming on YouTube,
Party Central, Snapchat, and Facebook.
Sid, I'm so sorry, but this is not a good idea.
Wait, what are you talking about?
I know what I'm doing.
Keep going.
♪ Thumb a ride into the analog divide with me, man ♪
That's great.
Alberta, we need to talk about the noise!
Just a minute, Helen.
Do you have a man in there?
No, I've got two.
Two men?!
You know that's against the rules.
Three, there is another man out here.
Helen?
Let me in, you refuctoring bitch!
Oh my gosh, it's Julio.
Get the frick away from my door, Julio.
You're nothing but a Jimmy.
♪ Atomize the planet with your shrouded code of mystery baby ♪
That's it Clatterbottom, keep it coming.
The world needs you now more than ever!
Russell, it's not time to show you to the world yet.
I have to save you online, remember?
This chunky chick isn't going to save anyone.
Hey, don't call her chunky.
Alabaster is a goddess.
Alberta, I'm coming in.
Move out of the way lady, let me in there!
If Russell Aquarius was to make his mark on the music scene again, he'd need a quiet place to -
- No, Russell no!
It's only Russell Aquarius,
but I like it, I like it, yes I do.
What?
What just happened?
I don't know.
Look!
Gosh, wait.
Oh of course, look what you've done.
He's in the computer.
Look, Russell Aquarius
a hundred million likes and followers
and guess who owns the rights to all of his music?
Wait, if Russell is in the computer,
then where's Julio?
What are you doing in my phone, young man?
These days,
just about anyone can make their own avatar.
Bull pucky, not just anyone.
Hey Mom.
I'm watching the news.
Nana would be so proud of you, honey.
Aw, you think so mom?
Hey but listen, please I beg you,
do not tell anyone that I made Russell, okay?
I'm not ready for people to know me yet.
Just do whatever feels right, hon.
You know I'm behind you 100 percent.
Thank you, that really means a lot to me, Mom.
Hey but listen, I've got company, okay?
So can I talk to you later?
All right, love you.
Love you too, bye.
Ah, I just wish
that I could figure out a way to bring him back, you know?
I mean, no offense.
It's cool, we all can't be rock stars,
but I have been practicing.
Yeah?
How about a little "Acid Rain" for my queen?
All right.
♪ Acid rain, I don't know the words ♪
♪ Acid rain, it's all I heard ♪
♪ Acid rain, but I made you smile ♪
♪ Acid rain ♪
For the love of God, Julio and I are trying to sleep!
Sorry Helen.
Merrick I'm, gosh I feel so stupid.
I'm just so sorry
that I accused you for sleeping with Helen.
Don't give it another thought.
I really am getting better though, really.
I know you are.
It took lady balls to march over to MuziTech
and then you kicked Julio's ass, what?
Yeah, well I'm just glad that I'm out of that place,
you know?
Gosh, I took a major pay cut,
but at least I'm my own boss, right?
But we gotta work on
getting you out of this house more often.
Like maybe in disguise.
We could cosplay at Creature Con next week.
Oh my gosh.
Hm, I don't know if I'm ready yet.
Maybe I should just design an avatar of myself
and we could dress her up in a costume
and you could take her.
No, 'cause I'd know it wasn't the real you.
Oh, would you now?
You know, I'm getting kinda good at this avatar stuff.
I mean, how do you know that you're not an avatar
I created for my own amusement?
Is it weird that I'm freaked out and turned on
at the same time?
Yeah.
♪ Acid rain ♪
Oh Alberta!
Alabaster! Call me Alabaster!
Alabaster!
If Russell Aquarius really is still alive,
he will be turning 82 years old today.
Russell, wherever you are, happy birthday, baby.
I really miss you,
you egomaniacal, slovenly, sexist jerk.
Nana.
All right, one more for you guys.
I just wrote this song
and I'm playing it live for the first time.
It's called "Alberta."
♪ She carries the sun in the palm of her hand ♪
♪ My priestess and my soul are one ♪
♪ My flash of bright light, our future tonight ♪
♪ Her beauty here is second to none ♪
♪ Erato, my muse ♪
♪ You're blowing my fuse ♪
♪ And not like the time that I died ♪
♪ So don't say you'll ever go ♪
♪ Unless you mean with the flow ♪
♪ Oh, my dark sweet Alberta ♪
Some historians claim
that is nothing more than long lost footage
that's turned up,
or that singer/songwriter, Russell Aquarius
faked his own death just to make a dramatic comeback.
We posed this question to computer experts,
conspiracy theorists,
fans, who are also known as, Aquariologists,
influencers, and musicians.
Let's see what they have to say.
No way man.
I was there when Russell was zapped.
He died, like fatally.
I bought one of his authenticated toothbrushes from E-bay
and I sent it,
along with a sample of my own saliva to Gene-Co,
you know the result came back with .000002
that I am Russell Aquarius.
It's like Bruce Lee said,
the key to immortality
is living a life worth remembering.
It's a Russell Aquarius impersonator.
People just want to believe.
Listen, I ran his new lyrics
through my cyber kinetic algorithm tester
and they came back with a 99.9% probability
that Russell himself wrote those songs.
I mean besides, who else in the universe
could come up with such brilliance as,
"my tadpole's in a jar"?
My daddy was the festival director
of that Aquarius fellow's live show in Dallas
and what I heard about that old boy,
there was no way
he'd be able to find his way out of a paper sack,
let alone the after life.
Okay so, there are three schools of thought
that I think are the most plausible.
You've got the Mandela Effect, you know, plausible.
You've got government human cloning, very possible,
but when you get right down to it,
there's really only one obvious and probable explanation:
aliens.
Yes, I believe Russell Aquarius is alive.
She also believes in alien autopsies, Big Foot,
and that Mount Rushmore is a natural rock formation.
He IS alive.
Look at the videos, he looks incredible.
It's called Deep Fake, my dear.
Well maybe it's a relative, like, like Russell's grandson.
No way, no way.
The drugs that that guy did back in the day,
he couldn't father a child with somebody else's ,
that's it.
Well, you heard it here first.
Ow, girl I don't care if he's an avatar,
I'm still gonna hit it.
Do it!
Provided by explosiveskull https://twitter.com/kaboomskull