1
00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:07,000
Downloaded from
YTS.MX

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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX

3
00:00:24,898 --> 00:00:26,900
(pop music playing)

4
00:02:28,313 --> 00:02:32,192
(song playing in Hindi)

5
00:02:45,622 --> 00:02:47,207
(wind whooshing)

6
00:03:02,222 --> 00:03:04,558
Kinda lonesome back here.

7
00:03:04,892 --> 00:03:06,185
-(mumbling)
-(grunts) Yeah, little help.

8
00:03:07,519 --> 00:03:11,940
Okay, um, just, I have to keep
my hands on the wheel.

9
00:03:12,441 --> 00:03:13,609
(continues grunting)

10
00:03:13,692 --> 00:03:15,485
Excuse me. Whoo!

11
00:03:15,986 --> 00:03:17,613
(chuckles) Ah, Dopinder.

12
00:03:17,779 --> 00:03:19,781
Pool. Dead.

13
00:03:21,158 --> 00:03:22,409
Hmm, nice.

14
00:03:23,577 --> 00:03:24,578
DOPINDER: Smells good, no?

15
00:03:24,745 --> 00:03:26,663
Not the Daffodil Daydream.
The girl.

16
00:03:26,788 --> 00:03:28,707
Ah, yes. Gita.

17
00:03:28,790 --> 00:03:30,209
-Hmm.
-She is quite lovely.

18
00:03:30,709 --> 00:03:33,045
She would have made me
a very agreeable wife.

19
00:03:33,128 --> 00:03:34,296
But, um...

20
00:03:35,214 --> 00:03:38,550
Gita's heart has been stolen
by my cousin Bandhu.

21
00:03:38,717 --> 00:03:42,679
He is as dishonorable
as he is attractive.

22
00:03:43,847 --> 00:03:45,807
Dopinder,
I'm starting to think

23
00:03:45,891 --> 00:03:47,643
there's a reason
I'm in this cab today.

24
00:03:47,976 --> 00:03:49,311
Yeah, sir, you called for it,
remember?

25
00:03:49,478 --> 00:03:54,233
No, my slender brown friend.
Love is a beautiful thing.

26
00:03:54,399 --> 00:03:55,817
When you find it,
the whole world

27
00:03:55,901 --> 00:03:57,152
tastes like Daffodil Daydream.

28
00:03:57,277 --> 00:03:58,278
(Dopinder grunts)

29
00:03:58,403 --> 00:04:00,155
So you gotta hold onto love...

30
00:04:00,530 --> 00:04:01,865
-...tight!
-Ah.

31
00:04:02,032 --> 00:04:03,367
And never let go.

32
00:04:03,450 --> 00:04:04,826
Don't make
the same mistakes I did.

33
00:04:04,993 --> 00:04:06,119
-Got it?
-Yeah.

34
00:04:06,286 --> 00:04:09,790
Or else the whole world tastes
like Mama June after hot yoga.

35
00:04:10,332 --> 00:04:12,584
(stutters) Sir, what does
Miss Mama June taste like?

36
00:04:12,751 --> 00:04:14,461
Like two hobos fucking
in a shoe filled with piss.

37
00:04:14,544 --> 00:04:15,587
Okay, enough.

38
00:04:15,754 --> 00:04:18,507
I can go all day, Dopinder.
The point is, it's bad!

39
00:04:18,674 --> 00:04:20,425
Hmm, it's bad.

40
00:04:20,842 --> 00:04:23,512
Uh, why the fancy red suit,
Mr. Pool?

41
00:04:23,679 --> 00:04:25,555
Oh, that's because
it's Christmas Day, Dopinder.

42
00:04:25,722 --> 00:04:28,100
And I'm after someone
on my naughty list.

43
00:04:28,267 --> 00:04:29,726
I've been waiting one year,
three weeks...

44
00:04:29,893 --> 00:04:31,687
six days and, oh...

45
00:04:31,853 --> 00:04:34,189
14 minutes to make him fix
what he did to me.

46
00:04:35,816 --> 00:04:38,026
And what did he
do to you, Mr. Pool?

47
00:04:38,193 --> 00:04:39,528
This shit...

48
00:04:40,779 --> 00:04:41,780
Boo!

49
00:04:43,615 --> 00:04:44,950
(chopper blades whirring)

50
00:05:00,382 --> 00:05:01,675
(sighs)

51
00:05:02,676 --> 00:05:03,802
They won't disappoint.

52
00:05:04,469 --> 00:05:06,138
They'd better not.

53
00:05:06,305 --> 00:05:08,598
And what about
next month's shipment?

54
00:05:08,765 --> 00:05:10,350
There won't be one.

55
00:05:10,517 --> 00:05:12,060
You're not the only one
with a war to win.

56
00:05:13,312 --> 00:05:14,688
That won't do.

57
00:05:17,649 --> 00:05:20,193
See, we've had
this small disruption

58
00:05:20,277 --> 00:05:21,528
to our supply chain...

59
00:05:22,112 --> 00:05:23,155
(choking)

60
00:05:25,365 --> 00:05:27,576
We'd appreciate your patience.

61
00:05:30,120 --> 00:05:31,121
(grunts) Okay.

62
00:05:31,621 --> 00:05:34,124
We'll deliver in full
the following month.

63
00:05:34,207 --> 00:05:36,126
(gasping)

64
00:05:37,586 --> 00:05:38,670
Pleasure doing
business with you.

65
00:05:42,591 --> 00:05:44,343
Fucking mutant.

66
00:05:45,427 --> 00:05:47,346
(engines roaring)

67
00:05:54,353 --> 00:05:55,771
Oh, shit!

68
00:05:55,937 --> 00:05:57,397
I forgot my ammo bag.

69
00:05:57,689 --> 00:05:59,941
-Shall we turn back?
-No, no time.

70
00:06:00,359 --> 00:06:01,818
Fuck it. I got this.

71
00:06:01,985 --> 00:06:05,197
9, 10, 11, 12 bullets,
or bust.

72
00:06:05,364 --> 00:06:06,365
-Right here!
-(grunts)

73
00:06:06,448 --> 00:06:08,116
(tires screeching)

74
00:06:08,367 --> 00:06:10,827
That's, uh, $27.50.

75
00:06:10,994 --> 00:06:12,579
I... I never carry a wallet
when I'm working.

76
00:06:12,746 --> 00:06:14,164
Ruins the lines of my suit.

77
00:06:14,581 --> 00:06:15,582
-Oh.
-But, uh,

78
00:06:15,665 --> 00:06:17,084
how about a crisp high five?

79
00:06:17,250 --> 00:06:18,251
Okay.

80
00:06:18,335 --> 00:06:19,586
Merry Christmas.

81
00:06:20,921 --> 00:06:23,924
And a convivial Tuesday
in April to you too, Pool!

82
00:06:24,174 --> 00:06:27,386
<i>♪ Hey, yeah</i>
<i>I wanna shoop, baby ♪</i>

83
00:06:27,552 --> 00:06:30,430
(wade) <i>♪ Shoop shooop</i>
<i>ba-doop, shoop ba-doop ♪</i>

84
00:06:30,514 --> 00:06:32,307
<i>♪ Shoop ba-doop,</i>
<i>ba-doop, ba-doop ♪</i>

85
00:06:32,474 --> 00:06:34,351
<i>♪ You're packed and you're</i>
<i>stacked 'specially in the back ♪</i>

86
00:06:34,518 --> 00:06:37,145
<i>♪ Brother, wanna thank your</i>
<i>mother for a butt like that ♪</i>

87
00:06:37,312 --> 00:06:39,606
<i>♪ Can I get some fries</i>
<i>with that shake-shake boobie? ♪</i>

88
00:06:39,773 --> 00:06:41,858
<i>♪ If looks could kill</i>
<i>you would be an uzi ♪</i>

89
00:06:42,025 --> 00:06:43,485
<i>♪ You're a shotgun, bang! ♪</i>

90
00:06:43,568 --> 00:06:44,569
Wha... Oh!

91
00:06:45,237 --> 00:06:48,448
Oh, hello. I know, right?

92
00:06:48,615 --> 00:06:50,492
Whose balls
did I have to fondle

93
00:06:50,575 --> 00:06:52,202
to get my very own movie?

94
00:06:52,369 --> 00:06:53,537
I can't tell you,

95
00:06:53,620 --> 00:06:55,997
but it does rhyme
with "Polverine."

96
00:06:56,206 --> 00:06:57,541
And let me tell you,

97
00:06:57,624 --> 00:07:01,628
he's got a nice pair of
smooth criminals down under.

98
00:07:01,795 --> 00:07:05,882
Anyway, I got places to be,
a face to fix and, oh...

99
00:07:06,049 --> 00:07:08,718
Bad guys to kill.

100
00:07:08,802 --> 00:07:10,053
(pop music playing on radio)

101
00:07:14,141 --> 00:07:15,392
Maximum effort.

102
00:07:19,229 --> 00:07:20,272
(groans)

103
00:07:22,566 --> 00:07:23,733
(grunting)

104
00:07:25,277 --> 00:07:26,278
WADE: Cock shot.

105
00:07:28,655 --> 00:07:29,906
(screaming)

106
00:07:31,241 --> 00:07:32,325
(mockingly) Ha!

107
00:07:32,868 --> 00:07:33,869
(grunts)

108
00:07:34,035 --> 00:07:36,121
Rich Corinthian leather.

109
00:07:38,081 --> 00:07:39,916
WADE: I'm looking for Francis!

110
00:07:40,459 --> 00:07:42,169
Have you seen this man?
(groans)

111
00:07:42,294 --> 00:07:44,296
-Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow.
-(radio stations changing)

112
00:07:50,469 --> 00:07:51,678
WADE: Ow. Ow!

113
00:07:52,095 --> 00:07:53,138
Yanky, yanky!

114
00:07:53,221 --> 00:07:54,681
-(gun fires)
-(screams)

115
00:07:55,599 --> 00:07:56,850
(machine gun firing)

116
00:08:02,981 --> 00:08:04,524
-(Wade gasps)
-(groans)

117
00:08:05,942 --> 00:08:06,943
(screams)

118
00:08:07,277 --> 00:08:08,653
-(man groaning)
-(car accelerating)

119
00:08:10,822 --> 00:08:11,823
(grunting)

120
00:08:15,076 --> 00:08:16,536
(tires screeching)

121
00:08:19,331 --> 00:08:20,332
(continues grunting)

122
00:08:22,250 --> 00:08:23,251
(screaming)

123
00:08:24,586 --> 00:08:25,629
(muffled screaming)

124
00:08:25,712 --> 00:08:28,006
WADE: I've never said this,
but don't swallow.

125
00:08:29,674 --> 00:08:30,675
(man groaning)

126
00:08:31,468 --> 00:08:32,469
(gun cocks)

127
00:08:36,723 --> 00:08:37,933
(grunts)

128
00:08:49,361 --> 00:08:50,862
Shit.

129
00:08:51,488 --> 00:08:53,490
Did I leave the stove on?

130
00:08:59,204 --> 00:09:00,205
(thuds)

131
00:09:03,291 --> 00:09:05,544
(tires screeching)

132
00:09:10,966 --> 00:09:12,342
REPORTER: <i>Now, breaking news.</i>

133
00:09:12,717 --> 00:09:14,761
<i>A multi-car collision</i>
<i>turned shots fired</i>

134
00:09:14,844 --> 00:09:16,263
<i>on the crosstown expressway</i>
<i>this morning.</i>

135
00:09:16,721 --> 00:09:18,682
<i>Gridlock has kept</i>
<i>police from the scene.</i>

136
00:09:18,974 --> 00:09:21,393
Residents are advised
to remain in their homes.

137
00:09:21,560 --> 00:09:23,061
The assailant
appears to be armed,

138
00:09:23,144 --> 00:09:24,479
dangerous, and wearing...

139
00:09:24,646 --> 00:09:26,106
-a red suit.
-A red suit.

140
00:09:26,773 --> 00:09:27,899
Deadpool.

141
00:09:28,066 --> 00:09:30,735
Negasonic!
Come, we have mission.

142
00:09:31,653 --> 00:09:34,030
NEGASONIC TEENAGE WARHEAD:
Colossus, wait up.

143
00:09:34,197 --> 00:09:37,450
I've given Deadpool
every chance to join us...

144
00:09:37,617 --> 00:09:39,661
but he'd rather
act like a child.

145
00:09:39,828 --> 00:09:42,163
A heavily-armed child.

146
00:09:42,414 --> 00:09:46,001
When will he grow up and see
benefits of becoming X-Man?

147
00:09:46,167 --> 00:09:48,044
Which benefits?
The matching unitards?

148
00:09:48,378 --> 00:09:50,130
The house that blows up
every few years?

149
00:09:50,213 --> 00:09:51,214
Please.

150
00:09:51,339 --> 00:09:53,717
House blowing up
builds character.

151
00:09:54,217 --> 00:09:55,969
You ate breakfast, yes?

152
00:09:56,136 --> 00:09:58,346
Breakfast is
most important meal of day.

153
00:09:59,306 --> 00:10:03,476
Here, protein bar.
Good for bones.

154
00:10:03,643 --> 00:10:05,979
Deadpool may try
to break yours.

155
00:10:06,229 --> 00:10:07,647
(jet engine roaring)

156
00:10:13,528 --> 00:10:14,571
(people clamoring)

157
00:10:14,654 --> 00:10:15,780
MAN: Get out of the way!

158
00:10:16,031 --> 00:10:17,240
(indistinct shouting
and screaming)

159
00:10:33,340 --> 00:10:34,799
-WADE: Hey! Whoo!
-(guns firing)

160
00:10:34,883 --> 00:10:36,176
(woman screams)

161
00:10:45,977 --> 00:10:47,228
WADE: Wait!

162
00:10:47,604 --> 00:10:49,564
You may be wondering,
"Why the red suit?"

163
00:10:49,731 --> 00:10:51,691
Well, that's so bad guys
can't see me bleed.

164
00:10:52,817 --> 00:10:54,027
This guy's got the right idea.

165
00:10:54,361 --> 00:10:55,695
He wore the brown pants.

166
00:10:56,404 --> 00:10:57,405
(gun firing)

167
00:10:57,656 --> 00:10:59,699
Fine!
I only have 12 bullets...

168
00:10:59,866 --> 00:11:01,409
so you're gonna have to share!

169
00:11:01,576 --> 00:11:03,370
Let's count them down.

170
00:11:04,329 --> 00:11:05,330
(gun firing)

171
00:11:10,085 --> 00:11:11,086
(groaning)

172
00:11:12,379 --> 00:11:13,380
(firing continues)

173
00:11:17,801 --> 00:11:18,802
(groans)

174
00:11:19,969 --> 00:11:20,970
(tires screeching)

175
00:11:22,681 --> 00:11:23,807
Shit.

176
00:11:26,851 --> 00:11:28,603
Motherfucker!

177
00:11:29,437 --> 00:11:31,189
10! Shit!

178
00:11:31,231 --> 00:11:32,649
Nine. Fuck.

179
00:11:33,066 --> 00:11:34,067
Eight.

180
00:11:34,234 --> 00:11:35,235
Shit-fuck!

181
00:11:35,318 --> 00:11:36,319
(grunts)

182
00:11:38,988 --> 00:11:40,198
Bad Deadpool.

183
00:11:41,658 --> 00:11:43,827
Seven. Good Deadpool.

184
00:11:43,910 --> 00:11:44,953
(bullets ricocheting)

185
00:11:55,463 --> 00:11:56,589
(gun cocks)

186
00:11:56,673 --> 00:11:57,674
Oh!

187
00:12:03,012 --> 00:12:04,013
(grunts)

188
00:12:04,139 --> 00:12:05,140
(gun clicking)

189
00:12:06,141 --> 00:12:08,643
-Someone's not counting. Six.
-(groans)

190
00:12:18,653 --> 00:12:19,654
(gun firing)

191
00:12:20,780 --> 00:12:22,407
(exploding)

192
00:12:25,535 --> 00:12:27,746
(speaking Spanish)

193
00:12:28,329 --> 00:12:29,748
-(machine gun firing)
-Oh!

194
00:12:35,211 --> 00:12:36,421
(groans) Four...

195
00:12:37,130 --> 00:12:38,131
-(gun fires)
-(groans)

196
00:12:38,757 --> 00:12:39,841
Gotcha.

197
00:12:40,008 --> 00:12:41,176
(grunts)

198
00:12:41,551 --> 00:12:42,844
Right up main street.

199
00:12:46,890 --> 00:12:47,891
Three, two!

200
00:12:48,057 --> 00:12:49,934
Stupid! Worth it.

201
00:12:50,602 --> 00:12:51,770
(gunfire continues)

202
00:13:03,239 --> 00:13:04,616
(gun fires)

203
00:13:05,116 --> 00:13:06,367
(all groaning)

204
00:13:06,493 --> 00:13:08,077
(clinks)

205
00:13:11,873 --> 00:13:13,833
(sniffing)

206
00:13:13,917 --> 00:13:15,084
Ah!

207
00:13:16,294 --> 00:13:18,254
I'm touching myself tonight.

208
00:13:19,297 --> 00:13:20,298
Francis!

209
00:13:20,590 --> 00:13:21,841
Francis...

210
00:13:23,802 --> 00:13:25,929
What the shit-biscuit!

211
00:13:26,095 --> 00:13:27,806
Where you at, Francis?

212
00:13:28,348 --> 00:13:29,599
(groaning)

213
00:13:32,477 --> 00:13:33,478
(groaning loudly)

214
00:13:36,773 --> 00:13:37,816
You're not Francis.

215
00:13:45,865 --> 00:13:48,284
Really?
Rolling up the sleeves?

216
00:13:53,665 --> 00:13:54,749
(groans)

217
00:13:58,670 --> 00:14:00,046
WADE: <i>You're</i>
<i>probably thinking,</i>

218
00:14:00,129 --> 00:14:01,840
<i>"My boyfriend said</i>
<i>this was a superhero movie...</i>

219
00:14:02,006 --> 00:14:03,550
<i>"but that guy in the red suit</i>
<i>just turned</i>

220
00:14:03,633 --> 00:14:05,885
<i>"that other guy</i>
<i>into a fucking kabab!"</i>

221
00:14:06,052 --> 00:14:10,431
<i>Well, I may be super,</i>
<i>but I'm no hero.</i>

222
00:14:10,765 --> 00:14:12,809
<i>And yeah, technically,</i>
<i>this is a murder.</i>

223
00:14:12,976 --> 00:14:15,144
<i>But some of the best love</i>
<i>stories start with a murder.</i>

224
00:14:15,311 --> 00:14:18,231
<i>And that's exactly</i>
<i>what this is, a love story.</i>

225
00:14:18,398 --> 00:14:19,691
<i>And to tell it right...</i>

226
00:14:19,858 --> 00:14:22,026
<i>I gotta take you back</i>
<i>to long before</i>

227
00:14:22,110 --> 00:14:24,654
<i>I squeezed this ass</i>
<i>into red spandex.</i>

228
00:14:25,864 --> 00:14:28,199
MERCHANT: Look, would it help
if I slow it down for you?

229
00:14:28,283 --> 00:14:30,618
I didn't order the pizza.

230
00:14:30,785 --> 00:14:34,414
Is this 7348 Red Ledge Drive?
Are you Mr. Merchant?

231
00:14:34,581 --> 00:14:37,709
Yeah, the Mr. Merchant who
didn't order the fucking pie!

232
00:14:38,084 --> 00:14:39,210
Then who placed the call?

233
00:14:39,836 --> 00:14:41,129
WADE: I did!

234
00:14:41,254 --> 00:14:42,547
(toilet flushing)

235
00:14:43,464 --> 00:14:44,841
Pineapple and olive?

236
00:14:45,383 --> 00:14:48,177
Sweet and salty.

237
00:14:48,344 --> 00:14:49,470
The fuck are you?

238
00:14:49,554 --> 00:14:51,347
The fuck you doing
in my crib...

239
00:14:51,514 --> 00:14:52,515
Is it burnt crust?

240
00:14:52,765 --> 00:14:54,601
I... God, I hope not. Um...

241
00:14:54,684 --> 00:14:56,436
Whoa... Man, look, if this is
about that poker game.

242
00:14:56,603 --> 00:14:58,771
I told Howie,
I told him that...

243
00:14:58,938 --> 00:15:02,775
Okay, uh, look,
just take whatever you want.

244
00:15:02,942 --> 00:15:04,027
Thanks.

245
00:15:04,986 --> 00:15:06,279
Sir, before you do
anything to him,

246
00:15:06,362 --> 00:15:07,572
do you mind
if I get a big tip?

247
00:15:08,031 --> 00:15:10,867
(chuckles) Uh, Jeremy, is it?

248
00:15:11,034 --> 00:15:12,493
-Umm-hmm.
-Wade. Wade Wilson.

249
00:15:13,578 --> 00:15:16,456
That is a no go
on the tiperoo, Jer.

250
00:15:16,623 --> 00:15:18,082
I'm not here for him.

251
00:15:18,458 --> 00:15:20,043
I'm here for you.

252
00:15:20,168 --> 00:15:21,461
Oh. (chuckles)

253
00:15:21,586 --> 00:15:23,463
Okay, wow, dodged a big-time
bullet on that one.

254
00:15:23,630 --> 00:15:25,548
-Not out of the woods yet.
-(groans)

255
00:15:26,132 --> 00:15:28,384
You need to seriously ease up
on the bedazzling.

256
00:15:28,551 --> 00:15:30,386
They're jeans,
not a chandelier.

257
00:15:30,553 --> 00:15:32,722
P.S. I'm keeping your wallet.
You did kinda give it to me.

258
00:15:32,889 --> 00:15:34,557
Okay, just look, man,
can I have my Sam's card...

259
00:15:34,724 --> 00:15:37,018
I will shoot your fucking cat!

260
00:15:37,810 --> 00:15:38,937
I don't really know
what that means.

261
00:15:39,020 --> 00:15:40,229
I don't have a cat.

262
00:15:40,563 --> 00:15:42,315
Then whose kitty litter
did I just shit in?

263
00:15:46,444 --> 00:15:48,488
Anyhoo, tell me something...

264
00:15:48,655 --> 00:15:52,283
what situation
isn't improved by pizza?

265
00:15:52,450 --> 00:15:54,661
Do you happen to know
a Meghan Orflosky?

266
00:15:54,827 --> 00:15:56,329
Getting that right? Orflosky?

267
00:15:56,496 --> 00:15:58,790
Orlovsky? Yeah? Good.

268
00:16:00,041 --> 00:16:01,209
Because she knows you.

269
00:16:01,376 --> 00:16:03,586
Jeremy, I belong
to a group of guys

270
00:16:03,670 --> 00:16:05,672
who take a dime
to beat a fella down.

271
00:16:05,838 --> 00:16:07,215
And little Meghan,
she's not made of money,

272
00:16:07,298 --> 00:16:08,633
but lucky for her...

273
00:16:08,800 --> 00:16:10,093
I got a soft spot.

274
00:16:10,718 --> 00:16:12,637
-But I'm a...
-A stalker.

275
00:16:13,096 --> 00:16:14,597
Threats hurt, Jer.

276
00:16:14,764 --> 00:16:18,101
Though not nearly as badly
as serrated steel.

277
00:16:18,267 --> 00:16:21,312
So keep away from Meghan.

278
00:16:21,396 --> 00:16:22,397
Cool?

279
00:16:22,480 --> 00:16:23,606
Yes, sir.

280
00:16:23,773 --> 00:16:24,774
Then we're done.

281
00:16:25,066 --> 00:16:27,026
Wait. (chuckles slowly)
We are?

282
00:16:27,193 --> 00:16:28,861
Yeah. We're totally done.
(laughs)

283
00:16:29,529 --> 00:16:30,905
You should've seen your face.

284
00:16:31,072 --> 00:16:32,323
I didn't know what to do.
I was so scared.

285
00:16:32,615 --> 00:16:33,700
Soft spot, remember?

286
00:16:33,866 --> 00:16:34,867
(whimpers)

287
00:16:35,201 --> 00:16:37,161
You even look in her
general direction again...

288
00:16:37,328 --> 00:16:38,871
and you will learn
in the worst of ways

289
00:16:38,955 --> 00:16:41,040
that I have
some hard spots too.

290
00:16:43,042 --> 00:16:44,419
That came out wrong.

291
00:16:45,545 --> 00:16:46,754
Or did it?

292
00:16:47,547 --> 00:16:48,548
(whimpering)

293
00:16:48,881 --> 00:16:50,174
(indistinct conversations)

294
00:16:50,425 --> 00:16:51,801
(rock music playing)

295
00:16:52,093 --> 00:16:53,469
(woman laughing)

296
00:16:59,392 --> 00:17:00,935
Mmm... Meghan?

297
00:17:03,980 --> 00:17:05,398
You've heard the last
of Jeremy. He's sorry.

298
00:17:06,399 --> 00:17:08,276
No friggin' way.

299
00:17:13,114 --> 00:17:14,198
Should've brought
my roller blades.

300
00:17:14,282 --> 00:17:15,700
Show these kids how it's done.

301
00:17:15,825 --> 00:17:19,162
Oh. And that's why we do it.
But mostly the money.

302
00:17:19,328 --> 00:17:21,122
Hey, think you could fuck up
my step-dad?

303
00:17:21,289 --> 00:17:22,832
I give a guy
a pavement facial,

304
00:17:22,915 --> 00:17:23,958
it's because he's earned it.

305
00:17:24,625 --> 00:17:25,877
Hey, wait!

306
00:17:27,503 --> 00:17:28,504
You're my hero.

307
00:17:28,713 --> 00:17:31,215
No-no-no-no. That I ain't!

308
00:17:33,092 --> 00:17:35,386
WADE: <i>Nope. Never will be.</i>

309
00:17:35,595 --> 00:17:37,305
Oh. Fuck you, Wade.

310
00:17:37,597 --> 00:17:41,100
<i>I'm just a bad guy who gets</i>
<i>paid to fuck up worse guys.</i>

311
00:17:42,477 --> 00:17:44,228
<i>Welcome to Sister Margaret's.</i>

312
00:17:44,437 --> 00:17:46,522
<i>It's like a job fair</i>
<i>for mercenaries.</i>

313
00:17:47,190 --> 00:17:49,150
<i>Think of us as really</i>
<i>fucked up tooth fairies...</i>

314
00:17:49,317 --> 00:17:51,861
<i>except we knock out the teeth</i>
<i>and take the cash.</i>

315
00:17:52,028 --> 00:17:54,947
<i>You'd best hope we never see</i>
<i>your name on a gold card.</i>

316
00:17:55,114 --> 00:17:56,949
Buck! Liefeld...

317
00:17:57,325 --> 00:17:58,326
BUCK: Hey, Wade!

318
00:17:58,659 --> 00:17:59,869
Wade Wilson,
patron saint of the pitiful.

319
00:17:59,952 --> 00:18:01,245
What can I do for you?

320
00:18:01,788 --> 00:18:03,039
I'd love a Blow Job.

321
00:18:03,331 --> 00:18:04,415
Oh, God, me too.

322
00:18:04,582 --> 00:18:06,667
The drink, moose knuckle.
But first...

323
00:18:08,336 --> 00:18:10,213
Hey, and I ain't taking any
babysitting money, all right?

324
00:18:10,379 --> 00:18:12,006
Make sure
that gets back to Ms...

325
00:18:12,090 --> 00:18:13,132
Orlovsky.

326
00:18:13,216 --> 00:18:14,217
Yeah, her.

327
00:18:14,300 --> 00:18:15,551
-You sure?
-Hmm.

328
00:18:15,843 --> 00:18:18,137
You know, for a merc,
you're pretty warm-blooded.

329
00:18:18,304 --> 00:18:20,098
I bet you let
the kid off easy, too.

330
00:18:20,264 --> 00:18:22,058
Oh, he's not a bad kid, Weas.

331
00:18:22,225 --> 00:18:23,476
Just a little light stalking.

332
00:18:23,643 --> 00:18:25,019
I was way worse than him
when I was his age.

333
00:18:25,186 --> 00:18:26,938
I was traveling
to exotic places...

334
00:18:27,105 --> 00:18:29,607
Baghdad, Mogadishu,
Jacksonville,

335
00:18:29,690 --> 00:18:31,109
meeting new and exciting
people. And then, uh...

336
00:18:31,567 --> 00:18:33,444
Killing them. Yeah,
I've seen your Instagram.

337
00:18:33,820 --> 00:18:36,072
So what was Special Forces
doing in Jacksonville, anyway?

338
00:18:36,239 --> 00:18:37,698
That's classified.

339
00:18:37,865 --> 00:18:39,951
(whispers) They have
a wonderful TGI Fridays.

340
00:18:40,159 --> 00:18:42,370
All right,
Kahlua, Baileys and...

341
00:18:42,537 --> 00:18:43,704
whipped cream.

342
00:18:43,871 --> 00:18:45,915
I give you a Blow Job.

343
00:18:46,415 --> 00:18:47,708
Why do you make me make that?

344
00:18:47,875 --> 00:18:49,544
Kelly, Kelly, Kelly...

345
00:18:49,710 --> 00:18:51,087
Take that over to Buck please,

346
00:18:51,170 --> 00:18:53,005
and tell him it's from Boothe.
Little foreplay.

347
00:18:53,214 --> 00:18:55,341
Remind me what good
will come of this?

348
00:18:55,508 --> 00:18:57,426
I don't take the shits.
I just disturb them.

349
00:18:57,593 --> 00:18:58,845
-BUCK: Boothe!
-Oh!

350
00:18:58,970 --> 00:19:00,054
-Easy, man.
-Hold up! Hold up!

351
00:19:00,221 --> 00:19:01,222
What you want?

352
00:19:01,472 --> 00:19:02,640
-(grunts)
-(all exclaiming)

353
00:19:04,058 --> 00:19:06,310
-Cheers. To your health.
-WEASEL: Fuck you.

354
00:19:06,811 --> 00:19:08,855
BOOTHE: Come here,
you fat fuck!

355
00:19:09,021 --> 00:19:10,481
That's a new stool.

356
00:19:10,648 --> 00:19:11,858
(all clamoring)

357
00:19:15,361 --> 00:19:16,821
BUCK: Stay the fuck down.

358
00:19:16,904 --> 00:19:18,239
(groans)

359
00:19:19,490 --> 00:19:21,075
MAN: Whoa! Took his ass out!

360
00:19:21,242 --> 00:19:22,994
WEASEL: All right, move.
Move, move, move.

361
00:19:23,161 --> 00:19:24,245
Buck, go rest.

362
00:19:25,580 --> 00:19:26,831
MAN: Boothe got hit
then went down.

363
00:19:30,626 --> 00:19:33,296
Yeah, he's still breathing.

364
00:19:33,421 --> 00:19:34,505
(all exclaiming)

365
00:19:35,965 --> 00:19:37,425
Nobody wins today.

366
00:19:37,592 --> 00:19:39,093
Nice try, Wade.

367
00:19:39,260 --> 00:19:41,262
You got me. I picked Boothe
in the dead pool.

368
00:19:41,345 --> 00:19:42,722
Who did you pick?

369
00:19:42,889 --> 00:19:44,849
Yeah, Wade, about that, um...

370
00:19:45,349 --> 00:19:46,350
No.

371
00:19:46,559 --> 00:19:48,394
You did not bet on me to die.

372
00:19:50,730 --> 00:19:53,399
You bet on me to die. Wow!

373
00:19:53,441 --> 00:19:54,817
Motherfucker, you're
the world's worst friend.

374
00:19:55,276 --> 00:19:57,403
Well, joke's on you.
I'm living to 102.

375
00:19:57,570 --> 00:19:59,655
And then dying.
Like the city of Detroit.

376
00:19:59,822 --> 00:20:02,617
I'm sorry. I just...
I wanted to win money.

377
00:20:02,742 --> 00:20:03,951
I never win anything.

378
00:20:04,118 --> 00:20:05,161
Whatever.

379
00:20:05,328 --> 00:20:06,829
Soldiers of fortune,
drinks on me!

380
00:20:07,622 --> 00:20:09,040
(all cheering)

381
00:20:09,290 --> 00:20:11,167
Domestic, nothing imported.

382
00:20:13,961 --> 00:20:15,129
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa...

383
00:20:15,213 --> 00:20:19,133
Baby, are you sure you wanna
shoot your whole wad?

384
00:20:19,634 --> 00:20:22,386
Uh... Tight.

385
00:20:24,055 --> 00:20:26,015
-Vanessa.
-Wade.

386
00:20:26,349 --> 00:20:28,517
What's a nice place like you
doing in a girl like this?

387
00:20:29,894 --> 00:20:31,145
I'd hit that.

388
00:20:32,438 --> 00:20:34,232
Buck, you best
apologize before...

389
00:20:34,315 --> 00:20:36,609
-(gasps)
-Yeah, that.

390
00:20:36,817 --> 00:20:38,361
Say the magic words,
Fat Gandalf.

391
00:20:38,527 --> 00:20:40,279
-I'm sorry.
-Breathe through the nose.

392
00:20:40,446 --> 00:20:42,490
I don't have a filter
between my brain and my...

393
00:20:42,657 --> 00:20:44,575
Let go. Okay.
Hey, oh, oh, oh...

394
00:20:44,659 --> 00:20:46,994
-Hakuna his tatas. He's sorry.
-I'm working on it.

395
00:20:47,203 --> 00:20:49,163
Get out of here.
Go. Go cast a spell.

396
00:20:49,747 --> 00:20:52,166
Hey. Hands off
the merchandise.

397
00:20:53,709 --> 00:20:55,002
Merchandise? Huh...

398
00:20:55,253 --> 00:20:57,588
So you, uh...

399
00:20:57,755 --> 00:20:59,048
bump fuzzies for money?

400
00:20:59,215 --> 00:21:01,133
-Yep.
-Rough childhood?

401
00:21:01,300 --> 00:21:02,301
Rougher than yours.

402
00:21:02,385 --> 00:21:03,970
Daddy left before I was born.

403
00:21:04,595 --> 00:21:06,138
Daddy left before
I was conceived.

404
00:21:07,348 --> 00:21:08,683
Ever had a cigarette
put out on your skin?

405
00:21:09,058 --> 00:21:10,268
Where else do you put one out?

406
00:21:10,434 --> 00:21:11,602
I was molested.

407
00:21:11,769 --> 00:21:13,354
Me too. Uncle.

408
00:21:13,521 --> 00:21:15,815
Uncles. They took turns.

409
00:21:16,107 --> 00:21:17,441
I watched my own
birthday party

410
00:21:17,525 --> 00:21:18,609
through the keyhole
of a locked closet...

411
00:21:18,776 --> 00:21:20,027
which also happens to be my...

412
00:21:20,194 --> 00:21:23,030
Your bedroom. Lucky.
I slept in a dishwasher box.

413
00:21:23,114 --> 00:21:25,157
(gasps) You had a dishwasher.

414
00:21:25,616 --> 00:21:26,659
I didn't even know sleep.

415
00:21:26,826 --> 00:21:28,577
It was pretty much
24/7 ball gags,

416
00:21:28,661 --> 00:21:30,079
brownie mix and clown porn.

417
00:21:30,246 --> 00:21:31,497
(laughs)

418
00:21:34,125 --> 00:21:35,376
Who would do such a thing?

419
00:21:37,044 --> 00:21:40,506
Hopefully you, later tonight?

420
00:21:43,342 --> 00:21:48,264
Hey, what can I get for,
uh, $275 and a...

421
00:21:49,473 --> 00:21:51,058
a Yogurtland rewards card?

422
00:21:51,225 --> 00:21:53,853
Baby, about 48 minutes
of whatever the fuck you want.

423
00:21:55,313 --> 00:21:57,064
And a low-fat dessert.

424
00:22:04,071 --> 00:22:06,324
Did she just put a gift card
in your mouth?

425
00:22:07,533 --> 00:22:09,660
It's time to put
balls in holes.

426
00:22:10,703 --> 00:22:12,204
You said whatever I want.

427
00:22:12,913 --> 00:22:13,914
I get it.

428
00:22:14,332 --> 00:22:15,750
You love skee ball.

429
00:22:15,916 --> 00:22:18,085
Apparently more than
you love vagina.

430
00:22:18,252 --> 00:22:20,546
That's a tough call. (scoffs)

431
00:22:20,588 --> 00:22:22,757
(stutters) I just wanna get to
know the real you, you know.

432
00:22:22,923 --> 00:22:24,759
Not the short-shorted,
two-dimensional

433
00:22:24,884 --> 00:22:26,761
sex object
peddled by Hollywood.

434
00:22:26,886 --> 00:22:27,887
VANESSA: Balls in holes.

435
00:22:28,012 --> 00:22:29,013
(hip-hop music playing)

436
00:22:29,055 --> 00:22:30,056
Balls in holes.

437
00:22:30,264 --> 00:22:31,557
Prepare to lose tragically.

438
00:22:31,724 --> 00:22:32,725
Bring it, big man.

439
00:22:32,892 --> 00:22:33,893
Okay.

440
00:22:36,270 --> 00:22:37,396
(mocking Scooby-Doo) Uh-oh.

441
00:22:38,022 --> 00:22:39,023
Uh-oh.

442
00:22:40,232 --> 00:22:41,609
The limited edition

443
00:22:41,734 --> 00:22:44,612
Voltron: Defender of
the Universe ring, <i>por favor.</i>

444
00:22:45,071 --> 00:22:47,573
Okay. Here we go.

445
00:22:48,532 --> 00:22:50,534
Had my eye
on this sucker for a while.

446
00:22:50,701 --> 00:22:52,411
And I will take
the pencil eraser.

447
00:22:52,578 --> 00:22:53,871
BOY: Okay.

448
00:22:54,038 --> 00:22:56,707
You are now the protector
of the planet Arus.

449
00:22:56,874 --> 00:22:58,709
And you can erase stuff...

450
00:22:58,876 --> 00:23:00,211
written in pencil.

451
00:23:00,586 --> 00:23:01,879
M'lady?

452
00:23:02,046 --> 00:23:03,255
Well, I hate to
break it to you...

453
00:23:03,422 --> 00:23:05,257
but your 48 minutes are up.

454
00:23:05,758 --> 00:23:08,427
Hey, how many more minutes
can I get for this?

455
00:23:08,594 --> 00:23:11,097
FYI, five mini lion-bots
come together

456
00:23:11,138 --> 00:23:13,099
to form one super-bot, so...

457
00:23:13,432 --> 00:23:16,435
Five mini lion-bots?
Three minutes.

458
00:23:16,560 --> 00:23:17,561
Deal.

459
00:23:17,603 --> 00:23:18,646
What do we do
with the remaining

460
00:23:18,771 --> 00:23:19,897
two minutes, 37 seconds?

461
00:23:20,773 --> 00:23:21,774
Cuddle?

462
00:23:22,316 --> 00:23:23,776
(moaning)

463
00:23:23,943 --> 00:23:25,569
(pop music playing)

464
00:23:26,112 --> 00:23:27,613
How long can you keep this up?

465
00:23:27,822 --> 00:23:28,906
All year?

466
00:23:29,281 --> 00:23:30,282
(chuckles)

467
00:23:31,450 --> 00:23:33,119
(continues moaning)

468
00:23:39,583 --> 00:23:41,460
Happy Valentine's Day.

469
00:23:49,093 --> 00:23:50,594
Happy Chinese New Year.

470
00:23:50,761 --> 00:23:52,096
Year of the Dog.

471
00:23:55,141 --> 00:23:56,142
(exhales)

472
00:23:57,309 --> 00:23:58,477
Relax.

473
00:23:59,019 --> 00:24:01,147
And Happy
International Women's Day.

474
00:24:03,315 --> 00:24:04,316
(whip cracks)

475
00:24:05,651 --> 00:24:08,821
(groans) No. No. No.

476
00:24:11,157 --> 00:24:12,324
Happy Lent.

477
00:24:14,493 --> 00:24:15,953
(moaning)

478
00:24:16,287 --> 00:24:17,496
Ow, ow.

479
00:24:17,538 --> 00:24:18,706
-Wade?
-Sorry.

480
00:24:18,873 --> 00:24:20,207
Happy Halloween.

481
00:24:20,374 --> 00:24:21,500
Happy Halloween.

482
00:24:21,542 --> 00:24:22,543
(laughs)

483
00:24:23,836 --> 00:24:25,546
(continues moaning)

484
00:24:31,218 --> 00:24:32,970
Happy Thanksgiving.

485
00:24:34,972 --> 00:24:36,182
I love you.

486
00:24:39,977 --> 00:24:41,896
If your left leg
is Thanksgiving...

487
00:24:42,062 --> 00:24:43,731
and your right leg
is Christmas...

488
00:24:45,065 --> 00:24:46,567
can I visit you
between the holidays?

489
00:24:47,401 --> 00:24:48,486
-(chuckles)
-Oh!

490
00:24:48,527 --> 00:24:50,362
That sweater is terrible.

491
00:24:50,488 --> 00:24:52,907
-(laughs)
-But red looks good on you.

492
00:24:53,073 --> 00:24:54,074
Red's your color.

493
00:24:54,241 --> 00:24:56,035
Brings out the bloodshot
in your eyes.

494
00:24:56,911 --> 00:24:57,995
Listen, I've been thinking...

495
00:24:58,037 --> 00:24:59,038
Really?

496
00:24:59,872 --> 00:25:01,540
...about why we're
so good together.

497
00:25:01,916 --> 00:25:03,042
Why's that?

498
00:25:03,834 --> 00:25:07,546
Well, your crazy matches
my crazy. Big time.

499
00:25:07,838 --> 00:25:09,215
Hmm. (chuckles)

500
00:25:09,757 --> 00:25:11,383
And, uh, we're like
two jigsaw pieces,

501
00:25:11,425 --> 00:25:12,676
you know,
the weird curvy edges...

502
00:25:13,052 --> 00:25:15,429
You put them together and you
can see the picture on top.

503
00:25:16,263 --> 00:25:17,348
Right.

504
00:25:17,932 --> 00:25:19,058
Wade...

505
00:25:19,725 --> 00:25:22,186
there's something I've been
meaning to ask you.

506
00:25:22,353 --> 00:25:24,855
But only because you haven't
gotten around to asking me.

507
00:25:26,941 --> 00:25:28,025
Will you, uh...

508
00:25:29,235 --> 00:25:31,111
-stick it in my...
-Marry me?

509
00:25:32,905 --> 00:25:35,115
Uh... Jinx?

510
00:25:35,241 --> 00:25:36,242
Huh.

511
00:25:37,034 --> 00:25:38,077
Where were you hiding that?

512
00:25:38,244 --> 00:25:39,245
Nowhere.

513
00:25:40,287 --> 00:25:41,872
They say one month's salary.
So, uh...

514
00:25:42,039 --> 00:25:43,040
You mean?

515
00:25:43,082 --> 00:25:44,083
I do.

516
00:25:44,250 --> 00:25:45,251
That's my line.

517
00:25:48,587 --> 00:25:50,214
I love you, Wade Wilson.

518
00:25:51,048 --> 00:25:52,258
You're supposed to...
So that's a...

519
00:25:52,424 --> 00:25:53,926
-Yes!
-Whoo!

520
00:25:54,635 --> 00:25:55,761
Yes!

521
00:25:55,803 --> 00:25:56,804
(laughs)

522
00:25:57,888 --> 00:25:59,306
I feel just like
a little girl.

523
00:25:59,765 --> 00:26:01,433
-(chuckles)
-(sighs)

524
00:26:04,645 --> 00:26:06,897
What if I just held on
and never let go?

525
00:26:07,064 --> 00:26:09,608
Just ride a bitch's back,
like Yoda on Luke.

526
00:26:09,775 --> 00:26:12,111
Oh, <i>Star Wars</i> jokes.

527
00:26:12,570 --> 00:26:13,779
<i>Empire.</i>

528
00:26:15,239 --> 00:26:16,448
Jesus Christ.

529
00:26:16,574 --> 00:26:18,450
It's like I made you
in a computer.

530
00:26:18,576 --> 00:26:20,244
(music playing on radio)

531
00:26:20,286 --> 00:26:21,287
Mmm.

532
00:26:22,788 --> 00:26:23,789
Hey.

533
00:26:24,832 --> 00:26:26,250
-Perfect.
-(camera clicks)

534
00:26:30,004 --> 00:26:31,422
-Let's see.
-All right, wee break.

535
00:26:31,589 --> 00:26:32,840
Shake it, yeah.

536
00:26:37,511 --> 00:26:38,637
(sighs)

537
00:26:39,138 --> 00:26:40,264
WADE: <i>Here's the thing.</i>

538
00:26:40,639 --> 00:26:42,474
<i>Life is an endless series</i>
<i>of train-wrecks...</i>

539
00:26:42,641 --> 00:26:43,642
<i>with only brief,</i>

540
00:26:43,767 --> 00:26:46,145
<i>commercial-like</i>
<i>breaks of happiness.</i>

541
00:26:47,104 --> 00:26:49,815
<i>This had been the ultimate</i>
<i>commercial break.</i>

542
00:26:49,857 --> 00:26:51,025
-(toilet flushing)
-(sighs)

543
00:26:52,276 --> 00:26:53,611
<i>Which meant</i>
<i>it was time to return</i>

544
00:26:53,652 --> 00:26:55,362
<i>to our regularly</i>
<i>scheduled program.</i>

545
00:26:55,529 --> 00:26:57,323
-What the...
-(thuds)

546
00:26:57,448 --> 00:26:58,532
Oh, my God. Wade?

547
00:27:04,830 --> 00:27:06,123
You're clowning.

548
00:27:06,624 --> 00:27:08,000
You're not clowning?

549
00:27:08,375 --> 00:27:09,376
I sense clowns.

550
00:27:09,835 --> 00:27:13,172
People react to news of
late-stage cancer differently.

551
00:27:13,339 --> 00:27:15,799
There are certainly
options we can look into.

552
00:27:15,841 --> 00:27:17,885
New drugs are being
developed every day.

553
00:27:22,473 --> 00:27:23,557
So what do we do?

554
00:27:24,183 --> 00:27:26,393
Surely there is something
we can do.

555
00:27:27,561 --> 00:27:30,064
My uncle Ivan was diagnosed
with thyroid cancer...

556
00:27:30,230 --> 00:27:31,398
and there were all these new

557
00:27:31,523 --> 00:27:32,691
experimental drugs
from Germany.

558
00:27:32,858 --> 00:27:35,319
WADE: <i>Vanessa's already</i>
<i>working on Plan A, B,</i>

559
00:27:35,361 --> 00:27:37,071
<i>all the way through Z.</i>

560
00:27:37,363 --> 00:27:40,908
<i>Me? I'm memorizing</i>
<i>the details of her face.</i>

561
00:27:41,575 --> 00:27:43,994
<i>Like it's the first time</i>
<i>I'm seeing it.</i>

562
00:27:44,036 --> 00:27:45,037
<i>Or the last.</i>

563
00:27:45,204 --> 00:27:46,580
DOCTOR: Mr. Wilson...

564
00:27:46,747 --> 00:27:48,207
Mr. Wilson?

565
00:27:48,582 --> 00:27:50,876
Take your time
to process this.

566
00:27:51,919 --> 00:27:53,879
<i>It's important not to</i>
<i>do anything rash.</i>

567
00:28:00,219 --> 00:28:01,261
(wade grunts)

568
00:28:04,264 --> 00:28:05,349
(sighs loudly)

569
00:28:05,391 --> 00:28:08,060
Now, if I were
a 200-pound sack

570
00:28:08,102 --> 00:28:10,688
of assholes named Francis,
where would I hide?

571
00:28:10,771 --> 00:28:12,690
(motorbike revving)

572
00:28:14,525 --> 00:28:15,567
Oh.

573
00:28:19,405 --> 00:28:20,406
(engine roaring)

574
00:28:21,407 --> 00:28:22,408
(gun firing)

575
00:28:28,706 --> 00:28:29,707
(Francis grunts)

576
00:28:36,130 --> 00:28:37,923
WADE: A hush
falls over the crowd

577
00:28:38,048 --> 00:28:40,384
as rookie sensation
Wade W. Wilson...

578
00:28:40,592 --> 00:28:44,054
out of Regina, Saskatchewan,
lines up the shot.

579
00:28:45,723 --> 00:28:47,391
His form looks good.

580
00:28:48,267 --> 00:28:49,435
Oh!

581
00:28:49,476 --> 00:28:53,272
And that's why
Regina rhymes with fun.

582
00:28:53,897 --> 00:28:56,108
Ladies and gentlemen,
what you're witnessing...

583
00:28:56,275 --> 00:28:58,485
is sweet dick-kicking revenge.

584
00:28:59,570 --> 00:29:00,988
Oh! Giving him the business.

585
00:29:01,447 --> 00:29:02,489
Incoming!

586
00:29:03,615 --> 00:29:07,411
This is taking unsportsmanlike
conduct to a whole new level!

587
00:29:07,453 --> 00:29:08,454
(Francis groans)

588
00:29:12,750 --> 00:29:14,626
Looking good, Francis.
Well rested.

589
00:29:14,752 --> 00:29:16,420
Like you've been pitching,
not catching.

590
00:29:16,962 --> 00:29:18,964
Ringing any bells? No?

591
00:29:23,927 --> 00:29:25,137
How about now?

592
00:29:27,431 --> 00:29:28,432
(chuckles slowly)

593
00:29:29,141 --> 00:29:31,310
Wade fucking Wilson.

594
00:29:33,812 --> 00:29:34,980
FRANCIS: Well,
hello, gorgeous.

595
00:29:35,147 --> 00:29:38,025
WADE: Yeah, like I got bit
by a radioactive Shar-Pei.

596
00:29:38,192 --> 00:29:41,278
Yeah. And whose fault is that,
huh, Francis?

597
00:29:41,445 --> 00:29:43,322
Yeah, time to undo what
you did to this butterface.

598
00:29:43,489 --> 00:29:45,157
Please, you should thank me.

599
00:29:45,282 --> 00:29:46,492
Apparently,
I made you immortal.

600
00:29:46,825 --> 00:29:48,327
I'm actually quite jealous.

601
00:29:48,494 --> 00:29:50,788
Yeah, but this ain't
a life worth living, is it?

602
00:29:52,831 --> 00:29:54,541
Now, I'm about to do to you

603
00:29:54,666 --> 00:29:57,002
what Limp Bizkit did
to music in the late 90s.

604
00:29:57,044 --> 00:29:58,128
(metal clanks)

605
00:29:59,171 --> 00:30:00,172
Dad?

606
00:30:03,801 --> 00:30:06,303
WADE: <i>I think we can all agree</i>
<i>that shit just went sideways</i>

607
00:30:06,345 --> 00:30:08,180
<i>in the most colossal way.</i>

608
00:30:09,223 --> 00:30:11,183
<i>Well, maybe not the most.</i>

609
00:30:11,683 --> 00:30:15,479
WADE: Uh... This is my most
prized possession.

610
00:30:16,021 --> 00:30:17,022
VANESSA: Wham?

611
00:30:17,147 --> 00:30:18,982
No, no, no. Wham!

612
00:30:19,525 --> 00:30:21,485
<i>Make It Big</i> is the album
that George and Andy

613
00:30:21,527 --> 00:30:22,986
earned the exclamation point.

614
00:30:24,029 --> 00:30:25,531
So, am I supposed
to just smile

615
00:30:25,656 --> 00:30:26,824
and wave you out the door?

616
00:30:26,990 --> 00:30:28,408
Think of it like
spring cleaning.

617
00:30:28,575 --> 00:30:29,743
Only if spring was death.

618
00:30:29,910 --> 00:30:32,329
God, if I had a nickel
for every time

619
00:30:32,371 --> 00:30:33,872
I spanked it to
Bernadette Peters.

620
00:30:34,873 --> 00:30:36,375
-Sounds like you do.
-(coins jingling)

621
00:30:37,209 --> 00:30:39,044
Bernadette is not
going anywhere,

622
00:30:39,086 --> 00:30:41,046
because you're not
going anywhere.

623
00:30:41,088 --> 00:30:42,089
Drink.

624
00:30:42,381 --> 00:30:43,674
You're right.
Cancer is only in my liver,

625
00:30:43,715 --> 00:30:45,050
lungs, prostate, and brain.

626
00:30:45,217 --> 00:30:46,343
All things I can live without.

627
00:30:47,553 --> 00:30:48,554
Ha.

628
00:30:48,679 --> 00:30:50,556
You belong here at home.

629
00:30:50,722 --> 00:30:52,182
Surrounded by your Voltron

630
00:30:52,224 --> 00:30:54,351
and your Bernadette,
and your me.

631
00:30:55,686 --> 00:30:59,106
Listen, we both know
that cancer is a shit-show.

632
00:31:00,774 --> 00:31:03,110
Like, a Yakov-Smirnoff-
opening-for-the

633
00:31:03,235 --> 00:31:06,238
Spin-Doctors-at-the-Iowa-
State-Fair shit-show.

634
00:31:07,781 --> 00:31:12,369
And under no circumstances
will I take you to that show.

635
00:31:13,745 --> 00:31:15,372
I want you to remember me.

636
00:31:16,915 --> 00:31:18,584
Not the ghost of Christmas me.

637
00:31:18,750 --> 00:31:20,586
Well, I wanna remember us.

638
00:31:21,044 --> 00:31:22,588
I swear to God, I will
find you in the next life...

639
00:31:22,754 --> 00:31:24,298
and I'm gonna boom-box
<i>Careless Whisper</i>

640
00:31:24,423 --> 00:31:25,757
outside your window.

641
00:31:25,924 --> 00:31:27,384
Wham!

642
00:31:30,762 --> 00:31:33,765
No one is boom-boxing shit.
Okay?

643
00:31:36,310 --> 00:31:37,728
We can fight this.

644
00:31:40,898 --> 00:31:43,066
Besides,
I just realized something.

645
00:31:43,901 --> 00:31:46,278
You win.
Your life is officially

646
00:31:46,320 --> 00:31:48,989
way more fucked up than mine.

647
00:31:50,324 --> 00:31:52,451
(Wade chuckles)

648
00:31:53,452 --> 00:31:54,453
I love you.

649
00:31:59,124 --> 00:32:00,292
(music playing)

650
00:32:06,131 --> 00:32:07,257
Wade.

651
00:32:09,468 --> 00:32:10,510
Weas.

652
00:32:10,677 --> 00:32:13,138
You look like you need
a Blow Job and a shower.

653
00:32:13,305 --> 00:32:15,307
Though courtesy calls
for the latter first.

654
00:32:15,474 --> 00:32:16,975
How about three shots
of Patrón?

655
00:32:17,142 --> 00:32:20,812
Or how about
<i>Triticum aestivum,</i> wheatgrass.

656
00:32:20,979 --> 00:32:22,189
Excellent for
the immune system.

657
00:32:22,356 --> 00:32:24,316
Jesus Christ.
You sound like Vanessa.

658
00:32:24,483 --> 00:32:25,525
Here, check it out.

659
00:32:25,692 --> 00:32:26,985
She's sending away
for all these

660
00:32:27,027 --> 00:32:29,029
colorful clinic brochures.

661
00:32:29,196 --> 00:32:30,989
I'm sure they're
all FDA approved.

662
00:32:31,448 --> 00:32:34,284
Chechnya. Isn't that where
you go to get cancer?

663
00:32:34,451 --> 00:32:37,162
You got China
and Central Mexico.

664
00:32:37,663 --> 00:32:39,790
You know how they
say "cancer" in Spanish?

665
00:32:39,957 --> 00:32:40,999
No.

666
00:32:41,667 --> 00:32:43,210
<i>-El Cáncer.</i>
-Oh.

667
00:32:43,377 --> 00:32:45,212
I could have guessed that.

668
00:32:45,629 --> 00:32:47,005
Look how happy you look here.

669
00:32:47,172 --> 00:32:48,715
Mind if I keep this?
Put it up,

670
00:32:48,840 --> 00:32:51,176
so I can remember
when you looked alive.

671
00:32:51,677 --> 00:32:53,512
At least now I'm gonna
win the dead pool.

672
00:32:53,679 --> 00:32:56,306
Now that you're gonna die
tragically of cancer.

673
00:32:56,473 --> 00:32:58,850
-I got it, Weas. Thanks.
-Oh.

674
00:33:00,852 --> 00:33:03,355
And, uh, that guy over there
came in looking for you.

675
00:33:03,522 --> 00:33:06,316
Real Grim Reaper type.

676
00:33:06,483 --> 00:33:08,402
I don't know.
Might further the plot.

677
00:33:12,406 --> 00:33:13,407
Boothe.

678
00:33:13,532 --> 00:33:14,658
Wade.

679
00:33:18,412 --> 00:33:19,413
(Wade sighs)

680
00:33:19,871 --> 00:33:20,914
Mr. Wilson.

681
00:33:21,415 --> 00:33:22,499
How can I help you?

682
00:33:22,666 --> 00:33:25,210
Besides luring children
into a panel van.

683
00:33:25,377 --> 00:33:26,753
I understand you've recently

684
00:33:26,878 --> 00:33:28,922
been diagnosed
with terminal cancer.

685
00:33:29,089 --> 00:33:30,090
Stalker alert.

686
00:33:30,257 --> 00:33:32,426
It's my job. Recruitment.

687
00:33:33,218 --> 00:33:35,595
I'm sorry you've had
such a tough go.

688
00:33:36,722 --> 00:33:38,890
But you're a fighter.
Special Forces.

689
00:33:39,057 --> 00:33:41,393
41 confirmed kills.

690
00:33:41,935 --> 00:33:43,228
One every seven weeks.

691
00:33:43,395 --> 00:33:45,731
Same rate most folks
get a haircut. Hmm...

692
00:33:46,440 --> 00:33:47,733
It's to wash the taste out.

693
00:33:48,025 --> 00:33:51,069
It's tough to forget
being so impressive.

694
00:33:51,236 --> 00:33:53,238
And now you spend your days

695
00:33:53,280 --> 00:33:55,240
sticking up
for the little people...

696
00:33:55,407 --> 00:33:56,908
People change.
What do you want?

697
00:33:57,284 --> 00:34:00,370
I represent an organization
that may be able to help.

698
00:34:02,289 --> 00:34:05,959
What if I told you
we can cure your cancer?

699
00:34:06,585 --> 00:34:08,045
And what's more, give you

700
00:34:08,086 --> 00:34:10,714
abilities most men
only dream of?

701
00:34:14,384 --> 00:34:16,219
I'd say that you sound
like an infomercial,

702
00:34:16,261 --> 00:34:18,305
but not a good one,
like Slap Chop.

703
00:34:18,472 --> 00:34:19,973
More Shake Weight-y.

704
00:34:20,140 --> 00:34:23,060
The world needs
extraordinary soldiers.

705
00:34:23,226 --> 00:34:25,270
We won't just make you better.

706
00:34:25,437 --> 00:34:28,398
We will make you
better than better.

707
00:34:29,441 --> 00:34:30,650
A superhero.

708
00:34:30,984 --> 00:34:33,820
Look, Agent Smith,

709
00:34:33,945 --> 00:34:35,989
I tried the hero business
and it left a mark.

710
00:34:36,448 --> 00:34:39,117
But if I ever hit "fuck it,"
I'll look you up.

711
00:34:39,785 --> 00:34:40,994
Oh, um...

712
00:34:41,495 --> 00:34:43,080
Shit. We're within 500 yards
of a school,

713
00:34:43,121 --> 00:34:44,331
so you may wanna...

714
00:34:49,336 --> 00:34:50,587
His drink's on him.

715
00:34:56,259 --> 00:34:57,969
WEASEL: What did he say?

716
00:34:58,095 --> 00:34:59,304
(thunderclap)

717
00:35:00,347 --> 00:35:02,641
(siren wailing in distance)

718
00:35:08,647 --> 00:35:09,981
(sniffles)

719
00:35:20,659 --> 00:35:22,202
VANESSA: Hey, what's going on?

720
00:35:22,327 --> 00:35:24,704
(sniffles) Hey. Sorry.

721
00:35:26,164 --> 00:35:28,166
I had a Liam Neeson nightmare.

722
00:35:29,042 --> 00:35:30,544
I dreamt I kidnapped
his daughter

723
00:35:30,669 --> 00:35:32,212
and he just wasn't having it.

724
00:35:39,970 --> 00:35:44,182
Hey, uh, they've made
three of those movies.

725
00:35:45,183 --> 00:35:46,560
At some point
you have to wonder

726
00:35:46,685 --> 00:35:48,353
if he's just a bad parent.

727
00:35:48,395 --> 00:35:49,396
VANESSA: Hmm.

728
00:36:02,701 --> 00:36:04,244
WADE: <i>The worst part</i>
<i>about cancer</i>

729
00:36:04,369 --> 00:36:06,371
<i>isn't what it does to you...</i>

730
00:36:06,705 --> 00:36:09,583
<i>but what it does to</i>
<i>the people you love.</i>

731
00:36:09,875 --> 00:36:12,502
<i>Who knew if this guy</i>
<i>could save my life...</i>

732
00:36:12,669 --> 00:36:15,213
<i>but I knew there was only one</i>
<i>way that I could save hers.</i>

733
00:36:15,714 --> 00:36:17,048
(door closes)

734
00:36:19,384 --> 00:36:21,595
<i>Isn't that what</i>
<i>superheroes do?</i>

735
00:36:25,056 --> 00:36:26,057
(cars honking)

736
00:36:29,603 --> 00:36:30,854
(phone ringing)

737
00:36:33,940 --> 00:36:38,028
WADE: <i>Okay. Let's pro-con</i>
<i>this superhero thing.</i>

738
00:36:38,737 --> 00:36:39,738
-(thuds)
-Ow.

739
00:36:39,905 --> 00:36:42,741
<i>Pro: They pull down</i>
<i>a gaggle of ass.</i>

740
00:36:42,908 --> 00:36:44,201
<i>Local dry cleaning discounts.</i>

741
00:36:44,367 --> 00:36:46,077
<i>Lucrative film deals,</i>
<i>both origin stories</i>

742
00:36:46,203 --> 00:36:48,288
<i>and larger ensemble</i>
<i>team movies.</i>

743
00:36:48,413 --> 00:36:51,458
Con: They're all lame-ass
teacher's pets.

744
00:36:51,875 --> 00:36:53,251
You know, I can hear you.

745
00:36:53,418 --> 00:36:56,421
I wasn't talking to you.
I was talking to them.

746
00:36:56,588 --> 00:36:58,298
Stay right here.

747
00:36:58,715 --> 00:37:00,759
COLOSSUS: You've been
warned before, Deadpool.

748
00:37:01,092 --> 00:37:04,596
This is a shameful and
reckless use of your powers.

749
00:37:04,763 --> 00:37:06,806
You will both
be coming with us.

750
00:37:06,973 --> 00:37:08,767
WADE: Look, Colossus,
I don't have time for

751
00:37:08,808 --> 00:37:10,769
the goody two-shoes
bullshit right now!

752
00:37:10,936 --> 00:37:12,771
And you are?

753
00:37:14,439 --> 00:37:16,107
Negasonic Teenage Warhead.

754
00:37:16,274 --> 00:37:19,611
Negasonic Teenage...
What the shit?

755
00:37:19,778 --> 00:37:21,571
That's the coolest name ever!

756
00:37:23,114 --> 00:37:25,617
So, what, you're like, uh,
his sidekick?

757
00:37:25,784 --> 00:37:27,118
No. Trainee.

758
00:37:27,285 --> 00:37:28,620
Let me guess.

759
00:37:28,787 --> 00:37:31,164
X-Men left you behind on what?
Shit detail?

760
00:37:31,331 --> 00:37:32,332
What does that make you?

761
00:37:32,499 --> 00:37:34,793
Pretending you're not here,
Negasonic Teenage Warhead.

762
00:37:34,960 --> 00:37:36,253
Can we trade names?

763
00:37:36,294 --> 00:37:37,796
-(Francis groans)
-Can we go?

764
00:37:37,963 --> 00:37:40,173
WADE: Look!
I'm a teenage girl.

765
00:37:40,340 --> 00:37:42,467
I'd rather be
anywhere than here.

766
00:37:42,634 --> 00:37:44,678
I'm all about
long sullen silences...

767
00:37:44,844 --> 00:37:48,306
followed by mean comments,
followed by more silences.

768
00:37:48,765 --> 00:37:51,977
So what's it gonna be, huh?
Long sullen silence...

769
00:37:52,143 --> 00:37:54,688
or mean comment? Go on.

770
00:37:55,981 --> 00:37:58,191
-You got me in a box here.
-Aha!

771
00:37:58,316 --> 00:38:00,151
We can't allow this, Deadpool.

772
00:38:00,318 --> 00:38:01,653
Please, come quietly.

773
00:38:01,820 --> 00:38:03,989
You big chrome cock-gobbler!

774
00:38:04,114 --> 00:38:05,115
COLOSSUS: That's not nice.

775
00:38:05,156 --> 00:38:06,658
You're really gonna
fuck this up for me?

776
00:38:06,992 --> 00:38:11,329
Trust me, that wheezing bag
of dick-tips has it coming.

777
00:38:11,496 --> 00:38:13,999
He's pure evil.

778
00:38:14,374 --> 00:38:17,669
Besides...
Nobody's getting hurt.

779
00:38:19,296 --> 00:38:20,297
(thuds)

780
00:38:23,008 --> 00:38:25,176
That guy was already up there
when I got here.

781
00:38:25,343 --> 00:38:28,346
Wade, you are
better than this.

782
00:38:28,513 --> 00:38:30,515
Join us.
Use your powers for good.

783
00:38:30,640 --> 00:38:31,891
WADE: Heads up.

784
00:38:32,058 --> 00:38:33,351
Be a superhero.

785
00:38:33,393 --> 00:38:34,394
WADE: Listen!

786
00:38:34,519 --> 00:38:35,520
The day I decide to become

787
00:38:35,645 --> 00:38:36,855
a crime-fighting
shit-swizzler...

788
00:38:37,188 --> 00:38:39,024
who rooms with a bunch
of other little whiners

789
00:38:39,065 --> 00:38:40,191
at the Neverland mansion...

790
00:38:40,358 --> 00:38:42,986
of some creepy, old, bald,

791
00:38:43,028 --> 00:38:45,071
Heaven's Gate-looking
motherfucker...

792
00:38:45,238 --> 00:38:47,032
on that day...

793
00:38:47,240 --> 00:38:49,200
I'll send your shiny,
happy ass a friend request.

794
00:38:49,367 --> 00:38:51,703
But until then, I'mma do
what I came here to do.

795
00:38:51,870 --> 00:38:54,539
Either that or
slap the bitch outta you!

796
00:38:54,706 --> 00:38:55,832
-COLOSSUS: Wade...
-Hey.

797
00:38:55,999 --> 00:38:57,042
Zip it, Sinéad!

798
00:38:57,208 --> 00:38:58,209
Hey, douche-pool!

799
00:38:58,376 --> 00:38:59,586
And I hope you're watching...

800
00:38:59,836 --> 00:39:01,546
(motorbike revving)

801
00:39:01,713 --> 00:39:03,173
(gasps loudly)

802
00:39:04,382 --> 00:39:06,092
Quite unfortunate.

803
00:39:09,512 --> 00:39:11,723
That does it!

804
00:39:11,931 --> 00:39:14,225
-(metal clanks)
-Oh!

805
00:39:14,517 --> 00:39:17,520
(groans) Canada!

806
00:39:18,772 --> 00:39:19,773
That's not good.

807
00:39:19,898 --> 00:39:21,024
COLOSSUS: Wade, please.

808
00:39:21,066 --> 00:39:23,526
WADE: Cock shot! (groans)

809
00:39:23,943 --> 00:39:25,570
Oh, your poor wife.

810
00:39:25,737 --> 00:39:27,572
You really should stop.

811
00:39:28,031 --> 00:39:29,240
(groaning)

812
00:39:31,117 --> 00:39:33,536
All the dinosaurs
feared the <i>T. rex.</i>

813
00:39:35,080 --> 00:39:36,581
(Wade screams)

814
00:39:37,082 --> 00:39:38,083
(laughs)

815
00:39:38,208 --> 00:39:40,251
WADE: I promise this gets
worse for you, big boy!

816
00:39:40,418 --> 00:39:41,586
-This is embarrassing.
-(groans)

817
00:39:42,379 --> 00:39:44,130
Please, stay down.

818
00:39:45,256 --> 00:39:46,383
WADE: You ever hear of
the one-legged man

819
00:39:46,424 --> 00:39:47,592
in the ass-kicking contest?

820
00:39:47,759 --> 00:39:49,094
Do you have off switch?

821
00:39:49,260 --> 00:39:50,595
Yeah, it's right next
to the prostate.

822
00:39:50,637 --> 00:39:51,930
Or is that the on switch?

823
00:39:52,097 --> 00:39:53,932
-Enough!
-(glass shatters)

824
00:39:54,265 --> 00:39:55,767
(laughs)

825
00:39:55,934 --> 00:39:57,394
(groaning)

826
00:40:02,732 --> 00:40:04,609
COLOSSUS: Let us go talk
to the Professor.

827
00:40:05,110 --> 00:40:06,778
McAvoy or Stewart?

828
00:40:06,945 --> 00:40:09,114
These timelines
are so confusing.

829
00:40:10,448 --> 00:40:12,992
"Dead or alive,
you're coming with me!"

830
00:40:13,159 --> 00:40:14,744
COLOSSUS: You will
recover, Wade.

831
00:40:14,994 --> 00:40:16,621
You always do.

832
00:40:21,126 --> 00:40:24,587
You ever see <i>127 Hours?</i>
Spoiler alert.

833
00:40:25,630 --> 00:40:26,965
(squishing noise)

834
00:40:28,299 --> 00:40:29,342
Oh, my God.

835
00:40:29,509 --> 00:40:30,593
Nasty.

836
00:40:33,680 --> 00:40:34,931
WADE: Oh, there's
the money shot, baby.

837
00:40:34,973 --> 00:40:36,141
(retching)

838
00:40:36,266 --> 00:40:38,184
<i>Are You There God?</i>
<i>It's Me, Margaret.</i>

839
00:40:43,773 --> 00:40:44,774
(truck horn honks)

840
00:40:49,195 --> 00:40:51,573
WADE: <i>Rock, meet bottom.</i>

841
00:40:52,073 --> 00:40:55,076
<i>And when life ends up</i>
<i>breathtakingly fucked...</i>

842
00:40:55,368 --> 00:40:56,411
<i>you can generally</i>
<i>trace it back</i>

843
00:40:56,494 --> 00:40:59,497
<i>to one big, bad decision.</i>

844
00:40:59,664 --> 00:41:02,750
<i>The one that sent you</i>
<i>down the road to Shitsburgh.</i>

845
00:41:02,917 --> 00:41:05,962
<i>This? Well, this was mine.</i>

846
00:41:06,546 --> 00:41:07,964
AGENT SMITH: Mr. Wilson.

847
00:41:09,382 --> 00:41:11,426
Nothing warms my heart more

848
00:41:11,509 --> 00:41:13,761
than a change
of someone else's.

849
00:41:13,928 --> 00:41:15,638
You finally hit "fuck it."

850
00:41:16,848 --> 00:41:18,808
Just promise
you'll do right by me.

851
00:41:19,517 --> 00:41:21,394
So I can do right
by someone else.

852
00:41:21,561 --> 00:41:22,729
Of course.

853
00:41:23,438 --> 00:41:25,231
And please don't make
the super-suit green.

854
00:41:26,524 --> 00:41:28,026
Or animated.

855
00:41:29,819 --> 00:41:32,280
(man choking)

856
00:41:34,532 --> 00:41:37,577
-MAN: Move it! Keep moving.
-(patient screaming)

857
00:41:48,171 --> 00:41:50,298
This place seems sanitary.

858
00:41:51,090 --> 00:41:53,301
My first request
is warmer hands.

859
00:41:53,384 --> 00:41:57,138
Oh! And, Jesus,
a warmer table.

860
00:41:58,723 --> 00:42:00,600
We should really come up
with a safe word, fellas.

861
00:42:00,934 --> 00:42:02,769
I'm thinking "pork and beans."

862
00:42:06,231 --> 00:42:08,274
(groans) Easy.

863
00:42:10,276 --> 00:42:12,570
Aren't you a little strong
for a lady?

864
00:42:13,321 --> 00:42:14,739
I'm calling wang.

865
00:42:14,989 --> 00:42:16,783
(breathing heavily)

866
00:42:18,618 --> 00:42:19,827
What's up with the matches?

867
00:42:20,119 --> 00:42:22,830
Oral fixation
or just a big Stallone fan?

868
00:42:23,039 --> 00:42:24,040
(muffled groan)

869
00:42:24,374 --> 00:42:25,667
Patience, Angel.

870
00:42:26,626 --> 00:42:28,211
All in good time.

871
00:42:28,419 --> 00:42:30,296
Are you here for
the turndown service, or what?

872
00:42:31,881 --> 00:42:33,007
We have another talker.

873
00:42:33,174 --> 00:42:34,926
I'm just excited about my
first day at superhero camp.

874
00:42:35,093 --> 00:42:37,220
Shut the fuck up.

875
00:42:40,557 --> 00:42:42,517
Mr. Wilson, my name's Ajax.

876
00:42:43,476 --> 00:42:45,562
I manage this workshop.

877
00:42:46,646 --> 00:42:49,816
Ah, my welcome speech used to
be full of euphemisms like...

878
00:42:49,983 --> 00:42:51,442
"This may hurt a little."

879
00:42:51,526 --> 00:42:53,486
"This may cause you
some discomfort."

880
00:42:53,653 --> 00:42:55,822
But I've grown blunt.

881
00:42:55,989 --> 00:42:58,491
This workshop is not
a government-led program.

882
00:42:58,658 --> 00:43:00,118
It's a private institution
that turns

883
00:43:00,201 --> 00:43:02,203
reclamation projects
like yourself...

884
00:43:02,370 --> 00:43:05,707
into men of
extraordinary abilities.

885
00:43:07,333 --> 00:43:08,710
But if you think
super-human powers

886
00:43:08,793 --> 00:43:10,628
are acquired painlessly...

887
00:43:11,504 --> 00:43:12,880
-Wrong.
-(groans)

888
00:43:13,006 --> 00:43:14,882
I'm injecting you with
a serum that activates

889
00:43:14,966 --> 00:43:17,135
any mutant genes
lurking in your DNA.

890
00:43:17,343 --> 00:43:18,678
For it to work

891
00:43:18,761 --> 00:43:21,306
we need to subject you
to extreme stress.

892
00:43:24,517 --> 00:43:25,852
(Wade groaning)

893
00:43:26,728 --> 00:43:27,812
You've heard that whole

894
00:43:27,895 --> 00:43:30,023
"make an omelet,
break some eggs" bit, right?

895
00:43:30,815 --> 00:43:32,191
I'm about to hurt you, Wade.

896
00:43:33,359 --> 00:43:35,903
I was a patient here once
myself, you know.

897
00:43:36,446 --> 00:43:38,990
The treatment affects
everyone differently.

898
00:43:39,324 --> 00:43:42,118
It made Angel
inhumanly strong.

899
00:43:42,493 --> 00:43:46,497
In my case,
it enhanced my reflexes.

900
00:43:46,956 --> 00:43:48,249
Also scorched
my nerve endings,

901
00:43:48,333 --> 00:43:49,917
so I no longer feel pain.

902
00:43:51,628 --> 00:43:55,506
And, in fact,
I no longer feel anything.

903
00:43:56,966 --> 00:43:58,468
(mumbling)

904
00:44:03,973 --> 00:44:06,768
Thanks! Thank you. Thank you.

905
00:44:07,060 --> 00:44:08,853
You have something
in your teeth.

906
00:44:09,729 --> 00:44:11,814
Right in the middle there.
Just, I don't...

907
00:44:11,981 --> 00:44:14,901
A little nugget of romaine
lettuce or something.

908
00:44:15,109 --> 00:44:16,235
(sighs)

909
00:44:16,903 --> 00:44:19,364
It's been bothering me
for a long time.

910
00:44:19,530 --> 00:44:20,698
(laughs)

911
00:44:20,782 --> 00:44:21,866
Ah, made you look.

912
00:44:22,116 --> 00:44:23,743
Hey, is Ajax your actual name?

913
00:44:23,826 --> 00:44:25,453
Because it sounds
suspiciously made up.

914
00:44:25,620 --> 00:44:26,621
What is it, really?

915
00:44:26,788 --> 00:44:29,082
Kevin? Bruce? Scott?

916
00:44:29,248 --> 00:44:30,875
Mitch? The Rickster?

917
00:44:31,542 --> 00:44:33,044
(in British accent)
Is it Basil Fawlty?

918
00:44:33,378 --> 00:44:34,837
Oh, joke away.

919
00:44:35,296 --> 00:44:36,631
One thing that never
survives this place

920
00:44:36,714 --> 00:44:38,216
is a sense of humor.

921
00:44:38,675 --> 00:44:39,842
We'll see about that.

922
00:44:40,009 --> 00:44:41,386
I suppose we will.

923
00:44:42,720 --> 00:44:44,138
He's all yours.

924
00:44:44,305 --> 00:44:45,556
Oh, come on.

925
00:44:46,057 --> 00:44:47,433
You're gonna
leave me all alone here

926
00:44:47,517 --> 00:44:49,143
with less-angry
Rosie O'Donnell?

927
00:44:49,686 --> 00:44:50,728
(groans)

928
00:44:53,564 --> 00:44:55,483
FRANCIS: <i>This is how</i>
<i>it's going to work.</i>

929
00:44:55,650 --> 00:44:58,653
<i>Adrenaline acts as a catalyst</i>
<i>for the serum...</i>

930
00:44:59,278 --> 00:45:01,781
<i>so we're going</i>
<i>to have to make you suffer.</i>

931
00:45:03,533 --> 00:45:05,493
FRANCIS: <i>If you're lucky,</i>
<i>the mutant genes will activate</i>

932
00:45:05,576 --> 00:45:08,371
<i>and manifest in</i>
<i>a spectacular fashion.</i>

933
00:45:09,455 --> 00:45:10,456
(gasps)

934
00:45:12,667 --> 00:45:15,503
FRANCIS: <i>If not, well, we'll</i>
<i>have to keep on hurting you...</i>

935
00:45:15,586 --> 00:45:17,255
(Wade shivering)

936
00:45:17,338 --> 00:45:18,548
<i>in new and different ways,</i>

937
00:45:18,631 --> 00:45:20,049
<i>each more painful</i>
<i>than the last...</i>

938
00:45:22,719 --> 00:45:25,096
until you finally mutate.

939
00:45:26,681 --> 00:45:27,932
Or die.

940
00:45:34,772 --> 00:45:36,274
CUNNINGHAM: You mean
a bucket list?

941
00:45:36,441 --> 00:45:38,568
WADE: Like a fuck-it list.

942
00:45:38,735 --> 00:45:39,986
I'd really like
to light a spliff

943
00:45:40,069 --> 00:45:41,404
off the Olympic torch.

944
00:45:41,988 --> 00:45:43,781
CUNNINGHAM: Pass it to me
right after.

945
00:45:43,948 --> 00:45:47,326
Let's not forget naked
tandem base-jumping

946
00:45:47,410 --> 00:45:49,871
with the WNBA's
Sacramento Monarchs.

947
00:45:50,955 --> 00:45:54,041
Anything on my bucket list
would involve public nudity.

948
00:45:54,542 --> 00:45:57,462
Finally, giving Meredith
Baxter-Birney a Dutch oven.

949
00:45:57,712 --> 00:46:00,840
No. Receiving a Dutch oven
from Meredith Baxter-Birney.

950
00:46:01,466 --> 00:46:02,759
(laughs)

951
00:46:05,511 --> 00:46:08,973
Making banana pancakes
for my kids.

952
00:46:12,393 --> 00:46:14,437
Vanessa.

953
00:46:17,940 --> 00:46:20,193
WADE: <i>I wanna see Vanessa.</i>

954
00:46:20,359 --> 00:46:21,652
FRANCIS: You're lovely.

955
00:46:21,819 --> 00:46:25,114
I don't know about anyone
else, but I'm touched.

956
00:46:25,281 --> 00:46:26,282
We were just joking.

957
00:46:26,449 --> 00:46:28,743
No, no. It's okay.

958
00:46:29,827 --> 00:46:31,496
I encourage distractions.

959
00:46:32,246 --> 00:46:34,499
Wouldn't want you giving up
on us, now would we?

960
00:46:34,665 --> 00:46:36,501
Hey, don't take any shit
from him, Cunningham.

961
00:46:37,460 --> 00:46:39,712
How tough can he be...

962
00:46:39,879 --> 00:46:42,799
with a name like Francis?

963
00:46:43,382 --> 00:46:44,509
Francis?

964
00:46:44,801 --> 00:46:46,219
WADE: That's his legal name.

965
00:46:46,844 --> 00:46:50,306
(chuckling) He got "Ajax"
from the dish soap.

966
00:46:52,350 --> 00:46:55,937
F, R, A, N, C, I...

967
00:46:56,813 --> 00:46:57,814
Oops!

968
00:46:59,565 --> 00:47:02,443
Snagged the dry cleaning tag
off your lab coat.

969
00:47:04,362 --> 00:47:06,656
FYI, I could probably get you
the superhero discount.

970
00:47:06,823 --> 00:47:08,115
You are so
relentlessly annoying.

971
00:47:08,282 --> 00:47:09,283
Thanks.

972
00:47:09,367 --> 00:47:10,493
Never heard that before.

973
00:47:10,660 --> 00:47:13,788
Why don't you do us all
a favor and shut the fuck up?

974
00:47:13,955 --> 00:47:15,957
Or I'll sew
your pretty mouth shut.

975
00:47:16,415 --> 00:47:17,667
Oh...

976
00:47:17,750 --> 00:47:19,377
I wouldn't do that
if I were you.

977
00:47:19,544 --> 00:47:20,837
See, here's the problem

978
00:47:20,920 --> 00:47:22,672
with round-the-clock
torture...

979
00:47:22,839 --> 00:47:25,800
is that you can't really
step it up from there.

980
00:47:28,427 --> 00:47:30,763
Is that what you think?

981
00:47:36,060 --> 00:47:38,563
If this doesn't unlock
your mutation, then, well...

982
00:47:39,397 --> 00:47:40,690
nothing will.

983
00:47:41,107 --> 00:47:42,358
Now, what we're going to do is

984
00:47:42,441 --> 00:47:43,985
lower the oxygen
concentration in the air...

985
00:47:44,151 --> 00:47:46,779
to the exact point you feel
like you're suffocating.

986
00:47:47,071 --> 00:47:48,322
If your brainwaves slow,

987
00:47:48,406 --> 00:47:50,241
meaning you're
about to pass out...

988
00:47:50,908 --> 00:47:52,034
then we'll turn up the O2.

989
00:47:53,077 --> 00:47:54,370
If your heart rate slows...

990
00:47:54,537 --> 00:47:57,123
meaning you're able
to catch your breath...

991
00:47:57,290 --> 00:47:58,666
we'll turn it back down.

992
00:47:59,292 --> 00:48:00,835
And that's where
we'll leave you.

993
00:48:00,918 --> 00:48:02,962
Right there.

994
00:48:03,337 --> 00:48:05,506
Oh, and I thought
you guys were dicks before.

995
00:48:05,673 --> 00:48:08,092
FRANCIS: You know
the funniest part of this?

996
00:48:08,843 --> 00:48:11,220
You still think we're making
you a superhero.

997
00:48:12,054 --> 00:48:15,516
You. A dishonorable discharge.

998
00:48:16,267 --> 00:48:18,311
Hip-deep in hookers.

999
00:48:19,020 --> 00:48:20,646
You're nothing.

1000
00:48:21,606 --> 00:48:23,065
Little secret, Wade.

1001
00:48:23,900 --> 00:48:25,735
This workshop
doesn't make superheroes,

1002
00:48:25,818 --> 00:48:27,987
we make super-slaves.

1003
00:48:29,071 --> 00:48:30,781
We're gonna fit you
with a control collar

1004
00:48:30,865 --> 00:48:32,825
and auction you off
to the highest bidder.

1005
00:48:33,618 --> 00:48:34,994
Who knows what
they'll have you doing?

1006
00:48:35,828 --> 00:48:39,290
Terrorizing citizens,
putting down freedom fighters.

1007
00:48:41,459 --> 00:48:44,295
Maybe just mow
the occasional lawn.

1008
00:48:44,795 --> 00:48:47,256
What the fuck
is wrong with you?

1009
00:48:52,511 --> 00:48:55,222
You're never going home
after this.

1010
00:48:55,389 --> 00:48:57,600
Now there's a brave face.

1011
00:48:58,643 --> 00:49:00,186
Wait, wait! Wait. Wait.

1012
00:49:02,521 --> 00:49:06,442
Seriously, you actually have
something in your teeth now.

1013
00:49:08,361 --> 00:49:09,737
Enjoy your weekend.

1014
00:49:10,112 --> 00:49:11,697
"Weekend"? Back up.

1015
00:49:11,864 --> 00:49:13,074
Weekend?

1016
00:49:13,908 --> 00:49:15,576
(machine hissing)

1017
00:49:18,537 --> 00:49:19,956
(gasping)

1018
00:49:20,039 --> 00:49:21,707
(choking)

1019
00:49:30,132 --> 00:49:31,842
(EKG beeping)

1020
00:49:34,553 --> 00:49:36,055
-(choking)
-(EKG beeping rapidly)

1021
00:49:54,782 --> 00:49:56,742
WADE: <i>Did I say</i>
<i>this was a love story?</i>

1022
00:49:56,909 --> 00:49:59,370
<i>No, it's a horror movie.</i>

1023
00:49:59,996 --> 00:50:01,580
(screaming)

1024
00:50:11,632 --> 00:50:14,093
(gasping)

1025
00:50:15,845 --> 00:50:17,888
FRANCIS: Fucking hell.

1026
00:50:18,055 --> 00:50:21,183
Looks like someone lost his
shot at Homecoming King.

1027
00:50:21,350 --> 00:50:23,310
What have you done to me?

1028
00:50:23,519 --> 00:50:24,854
I've merely raised
your stress levels

1029
00:50:24,937 --> 00:50:26,689
high enough
to trigger a mutation.

1030
00:50:26,897 --> 00:50:29,025
You sadistic fuck!

1031
00:50:29,734 --> 00:50:31,235
I've cured you, Wade.

1032
00:50:32,069 --> 00:50:33,696
Now your mutated cells
can heal anything.

1033
00:50:34,822 --> 00:50:37,575
It's attacking your cancer
as fast as it can form.

1034
00:50:38,826 --> 00:50:41,412
Yeah, I've seen similar
side-effects before.

1035
00:50:42,705 --> 00:50:43,748
I could cure them...

1036
00:50:47,334 --> 00:50:49,003
but where's the fun in that?

1037
00:50:51,338 --> 00:50:53,883
Now, I'm gonna
shut you in again, Wade.

1038
00:50:55,676 --> 00:50:57,636
Not because I need to.

1039
00:51:01,599 --> 00:51:03,309
Because I want to.

1040
00:51:05,061 --> 00:51:07,146
(breathing heavily)

1041
00:51:17,782 --> 00:51:18,866
Oh, well.

1042
00:51:19,033 --> 00:51:20,242
Go ahead.

1043
00:51:23,496 --> 00:51:25,289
Oh, you smell like shit.

1044
00:51:26,540 --> 00:51:28,459
-(grunts)
-Whoa! (laughs)

1045
00:51:28,584 --> 00:51:29,627
ANGEL DUST: Motherfucker.

1046
00:51:30,544 --> 00:51:32,463
Hey, hey, hey. It's all right,
it's all right.

1047
00:51:33,547 --> 00:51:35,341
I think we owe him
that one, yeah?

1048
00:51:35,549 --> 00:51:37,927
You take off. Go on.

1049
00:51:38,719 --> 00:51:40,054
Off you go.

1050
00:51:51,065 --> 00:51:52,691
Quick question.

1051
00:51:54,944 --> 00:51:56,987
What's my name?

1052
00:52:02,743 --> 00:52:04,078
Didn't think so.

1053
00:52:05,955 --> 00:52:08,707
WADE: <i>Sorry, Francis.</i>
<i>My lips are sealed.</i>

1054
00:52:08,791 --> 00:52:10,251
(groaning)

1055
00:52:24,765 --> 00:52:26,892
(breathing heavily)

1056
00:52:57,673 --> 00:52:58,883
(exploding)

1057
00:53:08,642 --> 00:53:11,187
(men screaming
in the distance)

1058
00:53:14,064 --> 00:53:17,026
-(indistinct shouting)
-(man coughing)

1059
00:53:30,998 --> 00:53:31,999
(both grunting)

1060
00:53:43,427 --> 00:53:44,970
(groans)

1061
00:53:48,057 --> 00:53:49,058
(grunting)

1062
00:53:59,944 --> 00:54:00,945
(groaning)

1063
00:54:05,157 --> 00:54:06,450
You don't want to kill me.

1064
00:54:06,617 --> 00:54:08,911
I'm the only one
who can fix your ugly mug.

1065
00:54:08,994 --> 00:54:10,371
(grunting)

1066
00:54:19,505 --> 00:54:20,589
(laughs)

1067
00:54:20,881 --> 00:54:22,299
(grunting)

1068
00:54:24,635 --> 00:54:26,428
(groaning)

1069
00:54:44,989 --> 00:54:46,115
(grunts loudly)

1070
00:54:47,199 --> 00:54:48,742
(retching)

1071
00:54:49,785 --> 00:54:51,662
(grunts and laughs)

1072
00:54:55,040 --> 00:54:56,625
(grunting)

1073
00:54:59,420 --> 00:55:01,380
(Wade breathing heavily)

1074
00:55:05,634 --> 00:55:07,177
What's my name?

1075
00:55:13,350 --> 00:55:14,518
CUNNINGHAM: Wade.

1076
00:56:14,370 --> 00:56:15,579
(groans)

1077
00:56:21,877 --> 00:56:24,922
WADE: <i>I didn't just get</i>
<i>the cure to</i> el cáncer...

1078
00:56:26,423 --> 00:56:29,093
<i>I got the cure</i>
<i>to</i> el <i>everything.</i>

1079
00:56:32,763 --> 00:56:34,890
<i>But there was</i>
<i>only one thing...</i>

1080
00:56:35,057 --> 00:56:36,683
<i>that really mattered.</i>

1081
00:56:39,686 --> 00:56:42,272
(indistinct conversations)

1082
00:56:48,362 --> 00:56:49,905
(thunder rumbling)

1083
00:56:58,122 --> 00:57:00,290
(indistinct conversations)

1084
00:57:01,708 --> 00:57:02,751
(infant crying)

1085
00:57:06,130 --> 00:57:07,131
WOMAN: Come on, let's go.

1086
00:57:12,553 --> 00:57:15,264
WOMAN: Oh, that must hurt.

1087
00:57:16,265 --> 00:57:17,724
Thank you so much.

1088
00:57:18,642 --> 00:57:20,561
(indistinct
conversations continue)

1089
00:57:29,653 --> 00:57:31,822
God, he's so fucking gnarly.

1090
00:57:31,947 --> 00:57:33,240
WOMAN: Look at his face.

1091
00:57:33,407 --> 00:57:35,659
MAN: Oh, my God. Poor guy.

1092
00:57:35,826 --> 00:57:36,827
FEMALE PEDESTRIAN:
Honey, don't stare.

1093
00:57:36,994 --> 00:57:38,162
MALE PEDESTRIAN: Freak.

1094
00:57:38,328 --> 00:57:39,329
(indistinct conversations)

1095
00:57:39,496 --> 00:57:40,664
(breathing heavily)

1096
00:57:58,515 --> 00:58:01,852
No way. I'm not making
her life as ugly as mine.

1097
00:58:02,144 --> 00:58:04,521
Come on, Wade,
it can't be that bad.

1098
00:58:04,688 --> 00:58:05,939
Ah, bullshit!

1099
00:58:06,106 --> 00:58:09,193
I'm a monster inside and out.
I belong in a fucking circus.

1100
00:58:09,359 --> 00:58:11,987
Wade, Vanessa loves you.
She doesn't care what you...

1101
00:58:12,029 --> 00:58:13,447
Oh! Oh.

1102
00:58:13,655 --> 00:58:14,698
Do you like what you see?

1103
00:58:14,948 --> 00:58:16,116
No.

1104
00:58:16,617 --> 00:58:18,160
You look like an avocado

1105
00:58:18,202 --> 00:58:20,537
had sex with an older,
more disgusting avocado.

1106
00:58:20,704 --> 00:58:21,705
Yeah.

1107
00:58:21,830 --> 00:58:23,790
Not gently.
Like it was hate-fucking.

1108
00:58:23,957 --> 00:58:25,709
There was something wrong
with the relationship...

1109
00:58:25,876 --> 00:58:27,711
and that was
the only catharsis

1110
00:58:27,794 --> 00:58:29,379
that they could find
without violence.

1111
00:58:29,671 --> 00:58:32,049
And the only guy
who can fix this fugly mug...

1112
00:58:32,216 --> 00:58:34,801
is the British shitstick
who ran the mutant factory.

1113
00:58:34,968 --> 00:58:36,720
And he's gone. Poof!

1114
00:58:36,887 --> 00:58:38,514
Yeah, well you gotta do
something to remedy this...

1115
00:58:38,680 --> 00:58:39,806
because as of now,

1116
00:58:39,890 --> 00:58:41,558
you only have
one course of action.

1117
00:58:41,725 --> 00:58:42,893
Damn straight.

1118
00:58:43,060 --> 00:58:44,811
-Find Francis.
-Star in horror films.

1119
00:58:44,895 --> 00:58:45,896
What?

1120
00:58:45,979 --> 00:58:48,065
Star in your own horror films.

1121
00:58:48,232 --> 00:58:49,525
Because you look
like Freddy Krueger

1122
00:58:49,566 --> 00:58:52,069
face-fucked
a topographical map of Utah.

1123
00:58:52,903 --> 00:58:54,530
Here's what
I'm actually gonna do.

1124
00:58:54,696 --> 00:58:55,739
I'm gonna work
through his crew

1125
00:58:55,864 --> 00:58:57,241
until somebody
gives up Francis...

1126
00:58:57,407 --> 00:58:59,660
force him to fix this, then
put a bullet in his skull...

1127
00:58:59,826 --> 00:59:01,370
and fuck the brain hole.

1128
00:59:01,537 --> 00:59:04,540
I don't wanna see that
or think of it again.

1129
00:59:04,706 --> 00:59:06,500
But the douchebag does
thinks you're dead, right?

1130
00:59:06,583 --> 00:59:07,584
Yeah.

1131
00:59:07,918 --> 00:59:09,545
That's good.
You should keep it that way.

1132
00:59:09,586 --> 00:59:11,171
What, like, wear a mask?

1133
00:59:11,338 --> 00:59:14,258
Yes. A very thick mask.
All the time.

1134
00:59:14,925 --> 00:59:15,926
I am sorry...

1135
00:59:16,093 --> 00:59:18,595
you are haunting.

1136
00:59:18,762 --> 00:59:20,556
Your face is
the stuff of nightmares.

1137
00:59:20,722 --> 00:59:21,932
Like a testicle with teeth.

1138
00:59:22,099 --> 00:59:23,767
You will die alone.

1139
00:59:23,934 --> 00:59:25,561
I mean, if you could die.

1140
00:59:26,103 --> 00:59:28,021
Ideally, for others' sake.

1141
00:59:28,188 --> 00:59:29,439
That'll do.

1142
00:59:29,731 --> 00:59:31,400
All you need now is a suit
and a nickname...

1143
00:59:31,567 --> 00:59:33,443
like Wade the Wisecracker...

1144
00:59:33,860 --> 00:59:36,947
or Scaredevil, Mr. Neverdie.

1145
00:59:37,614 --> 00:59:38,865
Oh, shit.

1146
00:59:39,449 --> 00:59:40,534
What?

1147
00:59:41,368 --> 00:59:43,245
I put all my money
on you and now...

1148
00:59:43,412 --> 00:59:44,871
I just realized
I'm never gonna win the, uh...

1149
00:59:44,955 --> 00:59:45,956
Dead pool.

1150
00:59:49,918 --> 00:59:52,212
Captain Deadpool...

1151
00:59:54,089 --> 00:59:55,090
No, just...

1152
00:59:55,257 --> 00:59:56,800
-Just Deadpool, yeah.
-Just Deadpool.

1153
00:59:57,050 --> 00:59:58,969
To you, Mr. Pool.

1154
00:59:59,303 --> 01:00:00,304
Deadpool.

1155
01:00:00,387 --> 01:00:01,805
That sounds like
a fucking franchise.

1156
01:00:01,888 --> 01:00:02,889
(glasses clink)

1157
01:00:16,403 --> 01:00:18,488
This shit's gonna
have nuts in it.

1158
01:00:19,114 --> 01:00:20,574
-(man groans)
-Where's Francis?

1159
01:00:21,158 --> 01:00:22,951
(grunting)

1160
01:00:25,579 --> 01:00:27,956
-(gun firing)
-(groaning)

1161
01:00:32,586 --> 01:00:33,587
(sighs)

1162
01:00:34,838 --> 01:00:36,506
WADE: Where's Francis?

1163
01:00:44,681 --> 01:00:46,600
AL: Seltzer water
and lemon for blood.

1164
01:00:47,934 --> 01:00:50,854
Or wear red. Dumbass.

1165
01:00:56,526 --> 01:00:58,028
(all cheering)

1166
01:01:02,699 --> 01:01:04,326
(clamoring)

1167
01:01:06,995 --> 01:01:08,163
(groaning)

1168
01:01:08,205 --> 01:01:09,456
-(gun firing)
-(people screaming)

1169
01:01:09,539 --> 01:01:11,041
WADE: Don't make me ask twice.

1170
01:01:12,376 --> 01:01:13,669
Where...

1171
01:01:13,835 --> 01:01:15,962
is Francis?

1172
01:01:16,546 --> 01:01:18,131
He made me ask twice.

1173
01:01:18,298 --> 01:01:20,300
Is the mask muffling my voice?

1174
01:01:25,055 --> 01:01:26,556
Where's Francis?

1175
01:01:27,349 --> 01:01:28,558
(gun firing)

1176
01:01:29,184 --> 01:01:31,019
Where the fuck is Francis?

1177
01:01:31,645 --> 01:01:32,646
(groaning)

1178
01:01:36,066 --> 01:01:37,150
(groaning)

1179
01:01:37,401 --> 01:01:38,652
(Wade laughing)

1180
01:01:39,695 --> 01:01:42,906
You're about to be killed
by a Zamboni.

1181
01:01:43,073 --> 01:01:44,324
Where's Francis?

1182
01:01:44,408 --> 01:01:45,575
(woman whimpers)

1183
01:01:45,742 --> 01:01:46,868
No! Please!

1184
01:01:47,494 --> 01:01:51,206
-Oh, God! I'm so sorry!
-(woman screams)

1185
01:01:51,498 --> 01:01:54,084
Oh! You little spider monkey!

1186
01:01:54,376 --> 01:01:55,585
(toilet flushing)

1187
01:01:57,212 --> 01:02:00,841
Where... is... Francis?

1188
01:02:01,842 --> 01:02:02,926
This is confusing.

1189
01:02:03,093 --> 01:02:04,428
Is it sexist to hit you?

1190
01:02:04,511 --> 01:02:05,929
Is it more sexist
to not hit you?

1191
01:02:06,096 --> 01:02:08,432
I mean, the line
gets real... blurry.

1192
01:02:08,557 --> 01:02:10,726
Where is Francis?

1193
01:02:12,269 --> 01:02:14,271
Tell me where
your fucking boss is

1194
01:02:14,354 --> 01:02:15,605
or you're gonna die!

1195
01:02:16,189 --> 01:02:17,774
In five minutes!

1196
01:02:27,951 --> 01:02:29,703
(whispers)
Don't hesitate to call me.

1197
01:02:45,302 --> 01:02:47,471
Nice to see you, Jared.

1198
01:02:48,638 --> 01:02:50,140
I'll take the footlong...

1199
01:02:50,474 --> 01:02:51,475
Fully loaded.

1200
01:02:52,768 --> 01:02:53,894
-(grunting)
-(guns firing)

1201
01:02:58,774 --> 01:02:59,983
(panting)

1202
01:03:02,152 --> 01:03:03,445
-(grunts)
-(glass shatters)

1203
01:03:05,614 --> 01:03:06,990
(groans) Whoa, whoa!

1204
01:03:07,073 --> 01:03:08,575
41 confirmed kills.

1205
01:03:08,742 --> 01:03:11,119
Now it's 89. About to be 90.

1206
01:03:11,912 --> 01:03:13,997
-Mr. Wilson?
-Ding-ding.

1207
01:03:14,998 --> 01:03:17,167
You're looking very alive.

1208
01:03:17,334 --> 01:03:19,002
Ha! Only on the outside!

1209
01:03:19,669 --> 01:03:21,171
This is not going to
end well for me, is it?

1210
01:03:21,254 --> 01:03:22,506
This is not gonna
end well for you, no.

1211
01:03:22,672 --> 01:03:23,673
Where's your boss?

1212
01:03:23,840 --> 01:03:25,425
I can tell you exactly...

1213
01:03:25,509 --> 01:03:26,843
(shushing mockingly)

1214
01:03:27,177 --> 01:03:29,095
Oh, you'll tell me.
But first...

1215
01:03:29,638 --> 01:03:31,848
You might wanna
look away for this.

1216
01:03:32,015 --> 01:03:33,266
Now this little piggy
went to...

1217
01:03:33,350 --> 01:03:34,476
(Agent Smith screams)

1218
01:03:35,352 --> 01:03:37,646
WADE: Thank you, Agent Smith.

1219
01:03:41,274 --> 01:03:42,275
Taxi!

1220
01:03:43,777 --> 01:03:46,029
Hop in! Great day for a ride.

1221
01:03:46,154 --> 01:03:47,864
(Hindi song playing on radio)

1222
01:03:48,031 --> 01:03:49,366
WADE: And we all know
how this turned out.

1223
01:03:52,369 --> 01:03:54,538
<i>Whoops!</i>
<i>You weren't meant to see that.</i>

1224
01:04:02,546 --> 01:04:04,339
There. All caught up.

1225
01:04:04,714 --> 01:04:06,216
(jazz music playing)

1226
01:04:12,305 --> 01:04:14,224
We're here.

1227
01:04:14,808 --> 01:04:18,228
(groans) Sorry about bleeding
in all your garbage.

1228
01:04:20,730 --> 01:04:22,232
(grunts)

1229
01:04:24,484 --> 01:04:26,528
Seltzer water and
lemon for blood.

1230
01:04:26,987 --> 01:04:27,988
Whoo!

1231
01:04:28,738 --> 01:04:31,157
Some kinds of anger
can't be managed...

1232
01:04:31,324 --> 01:04:33,410
like the kind where
your year-long plan

1233
01:04:33,535 --> 01:04:36,371
ends with the wrong guy
getting dismembered!

1234
01:04:37,080 --> 01:04:39,875
That said, when it comes time
to licking wounds,

1235
01:04:39,916 --> 01:04:41,585
there's no place like home.

1236
01:04:42,252 --> 01:04:44,254
Ah, and I share that home
with someone you've met,

1237
01:04:44,337 --> 01:04:46,673
the old blind lady
from the laundromat, Al.

1238
01:04:47,048 --> 01:04:48,592
God, I miss cocaine.

1239
01:04:48,925 --> 01:04:49,926
Her.

1240
01:04:50,093 --> 01:04:53,680
(gasps) Fourth-wall break
inside a fourth-wall break.

1241
01:04:53,889 --> 01:04:56,433
That's like 16 walls.

1242
01:04:57,017 --> 01:04:58,560
She's like Robin to my Batman,

1243
01:04:58,602 --> 01:05:02,272
except she's old,
and black, and blind.

1244
01:05:02,522 --> 01:05:04,107
And I think
she's in love with me.

1245
01:05:04,608 --> 01:05:07,944
WADE: <i>Wait, pretty sure</i>
<i>Robin loves Batman, too.</i>

1246
01:05:08,069 --> 01:05:09,237
(knocking on door)

1247
01:05:13,700 --> 01:05:14,868
(knocking on door)

1248
01:05:16,620 --> 01:05:17,621
(Al groans)

1249
01:05:17,954 --> 01:05:18,955
WADE: Al?

1250
01:05:21,374 --> 01:05:22,626
Morning, sleepyhead.

1251
01:05:22,876 --> 01:05:23,877
(grunts)

1252
01:05:24,252 --> 01:05:26,296
It smells like
old lady pants in here.

1253
01:05:26,463 --> 01:05:28,256
Yes, I'm old. I wear pants.

1254
01:05:28,465 --> 01:05:30,050
But you're no lady.

1255
01:05:30,300 --> 01:05:32,886
Oh! So comfy.

1256
01:05:33,637 --> 01:05:36,556
Upside of being blind:
I've never seen you in Crocs.

1257
01:05:36,723 --> 01:05:38,099
You mean my big,
rubber masturbating shoes?

1258
01:05:38,141 --> 01:05:39,225
AL: Yes, I know.

1259
01:05:39,809 --> 01:05:42,312
Downside of being blind...

1260
01:05:42,479 --> 01:05:44,648
I hear everything
in this duplex.

1261
01:05:44,940 --> 01:05:45,941
(groans)

1262
01:05:46,983 --> 01:05:48,068
Sit on a stick.

1263
01:05:48,276 --> 01:05:49,277
Bactin?

1264
01:05:49,319 --> 01:05:53,406
Yeah. Bactin should do it.

1265
01:05:54,574 --> 01:05:56,284
How's that Kullen
coming along?

1266
01:05:56,326 --> 01:05:58,328
IKEA doesn't assemble itself,
you know.

1267
01:05:58,495 --> 01:06:01,331
You're telling me.
I don't mind the Kullen.

1268
01:06:01,498 --> 01:06:03,333
It's an improvement
on the Hurdal.

1269
01:06:04,000 --> 01:06:06,503
Please. Anything's an
improvement over the Hurdal.

1270
01:06:06,670 --> 01:06:10,173
I'd have taken an Hemnes
or a Trysil over the Hurdal.

1271
01:06:10,840 --> 01:06:13,593
Oh, no, I didn't get excited
till I saw the Kullen.

1272
01:06:13,677 --> 01:06:14,678
Screw, please.

1273
01:06:14,844 --> 01:06:16,137
Here? Now? Just kidding.

1274
01:06:16,304 --> 01:06:17,347
I know it's been decades.

1275
01:06:17,514 --> 01:06:18,682
You'd be surprised.

1276
01:06:19,349 --> 01:06:20,475
Pretty grossed out.

1277
01:06:22,477 --> 01:06:24,854
(groans) Ta... Da.

1278
01:06:30,694 --> 01:06:33,780
I wish I never heard
of Craigslist.

1279
01:06:34,197 --> 01:06:35,490
And I quote,
"Looking for roommate,

1280
01:06:35,532 --> 01:06:36,700
"blind to
life's imperfections.

1281
01:06:36,866 --> 01:06:37,867
"Must be good with hands."

1282
01:06:38,034 --> 01:06:40,203
Or would you rather I build
the IKEA, and you pay rent?

1283
01:06:40,370 --> 01:06:42,205
Why such a douche
this morning?

1284
01:06:42,998 --> 01:06:43,999
Let's recap.

1285
01:06:44,165 --> 01:06:46,376
The cock thistle that
turned me into this freak...

1286
01:06:46,543 --> 01:06:48,169
slipped through
my arms today...

1287
01:06:49,838 --> 01:06:51,047
Arm.

1288
01:06:51,464 --> 01:06:52,549
Catching him was
my only chance

1289
01:06:52,632 --> 01:06:54,509
to be hot again,
get my super sexy ex back...

1290
01:06:54,676 --> 01:06:56,845
and prevent this shit from
happening to someone else.

1291
01:06:57,012 --> 01:06:58,972
So, yeah,
today was about as much fun

1292
01:06:59,055 --> 01:07:00,724
as a sandpaper dildo.

1293
01:07:01,558 --> 01:07:02,559
(Wade farts)

1294
01:07:02,684 --> 01:07:04,227
#driveby.

1295
01:07:21,703 --> 01:07:23,663
Found out who our friend
in the red suit is.

1296
01:07:26,041 --> 01:07:27,917
Fucking Wade Wilson.

1297
01:07:28,877 --> 01:07:31,212
I suppose I'd wear a mask too
if I had a face like that.

1298
01:07:31,880 --> 01:07:33,423
I only wish I healed the same.

1299
01:07:37,385 --> 01:07:40,055
Still, we'll put him
out of our misery.

1300
01:07:40,221 --> 01:07:41,431
On our terms.

1301
01:07:41,848 --> 01:07:43,600
Right. And when he heals?

1302
01:07:44,601 --> 01:07:45,602
He can't.

1303
01:07:45,769 --> 01:07:48,271
Not if there's nothing
left of him to heal.

1304
01:07:48,438 --> 01:07:52,358
You know, it's funny.
I almost miss the fucker.

1305
01:07:53,777 --> 01:07:55,195
I like a challenge.

1306
01:07:56,571 --> 01:07:58,615
But he's bad for business.

1307
01:07:58,782 --> 01:08:00,450
Now let's go find him.

1308
01:08:01,367 --> 01:08:02,368
Oh.

1309
01:08:03,369 --> 01:08:04,871
(Wade grunts slowly)

1310
01:08:04,954 --> 01:08:06,247
Tylenol PM?

1311
01:08:06,414 --> 01:08:08,958
You can stick that
where you stuck the Bactin.

1312
01:08:09,292 --> 01:08:11,586
I raided my stash
of wisdom tooth Percocet...

1313
01:08:11,753 --> 01:08:15,799
and I am orbiting
fucking Saturn right now.

1314
01:08:16,716 --> 01:08:17,926
(sighs)

1315
01:08:18,593 --> 01:08:20,637
But I appreciate the gesture.

1316
01:08:21,554 --> 01:08:25,892
Am I crazy,
or is your hand really small?

1317
01:08:26,059 --> 01:08:27,811
About the size of a KFC spork.

1318
01:08:28,144 --> 01:08:29,145
Ugh.

1319
01:08:29,979 --> 01:08:32,107
I get why you're so pissy...

1320
01:08:32,273 --> 01:08:33,900
but your mood's
never gonna brighten

1321
01:08:33,983 --> 01:08:35,151
till you find this woman...

1322
01:08:35,276 --> 01:08:36,569
and tell her how you feel.

1323
01:08:36,736 --> 01:08:38,321
What do I keep telling you,
Mrs. Magoo?

1324
01:08:38,404 --> 01:08:39,989
She wouldn't have me.

1325
01:08:40,156 --> 01:08:41,783
If you could see me,
you'd understand.

1326
01:08:41,950 --> 01:08:42,951
Looks aren't everything.

1327
01:08:43,118 --> 01:08:44,119
Looks are everything.

1328
01:08:44,285 --> 01:08:46,246
You ever heard
David Beckham speak?

1329
01:08:46,412 --> 01:08:48,456
It's like he mouth-sexed
a can of helium.

1330
01:08:48,832 --> 01:08:50,166
You think Ryan Reynolds
got this far

1331
01:08:50,291 --> 01:08:52,001
on his superior acting method?

1332
01:08:52,168 --> 01:08:53,419
Love is blind, Wade.

1333
01:08:53,503 --> 01:08:54,504
No.

1334
01:08:55,588 --> 01:08:56,840
You're blind.

1335
01:08:57,507 --> 01:09:00,343
So, you're just gonna lie
there and whimper?

1336
01:09:00,510 --> 01:09:02,428
No, I'm gonna wait till this
arm plows through puberty...

1337
01:09:02,595 --> 01:09:03,596
and then I'm gonna
come up with

1338
01:09:03,680 --> 01:09:04,681
a whole new
Christmas Day plan.

1339
01:09:05,515 --> 01:09:06,808
In the meantime,

1340
01:09:06,850 --> 01:09:08,184
you might wanna
leave the room.

1341
01:09:08,852 --> 01:09:11,271
I bet it feels huge
in this hand.

1342
01:09:12,647 --> 01:09:15,358
Go, go, go.

1343
01:09:15,859 --> 01:09:17,527
WEASEL: So, the doctor says,
"The bad news is

1344
01:09:17,610 --> 01:09:18,695
"you don't have
that long to live."

1345
01:09:18,862 --> 01:09:20,363
So, the patient says,
"How long do I have?"

1346
01:09:20,530 --> 01:09:22,282
The doctor says, "Five."

1347
01:09:22,448 --> 01:09:23,950
The guy says, "Five what?"

1348
01:09:24,117 --> 01:09:27,328
And the doctor says,
"Four, three, two..."

1349
01:09:27,370 --> 01:09:28,538
(all laughing)

1350
01:09:35,211 --> 01:09:36,713
Can I help you ladies?

1351
01:09:39,340 --> 01:09:40,466
Oh, I do hope so.

1352
01:09:44,721 --> 01:09:46,181
I heard you might be
able to point me

1353
01:09:46,222 --> 01:09:48,808
in the direction
of a, um, friend of mine.

1354
01:09:49,392 --> 01:09:50,393
Name of Wade Wilson.

1355
01:09:51,895 --> 01:09:52,896
Sorry.

1356
01:09:53,062 --> 01:09:54,647
I don't know the name.

1357
01:10:01,988 --> 01:10:04,324
Hey, you're not supposed to be
behind the bar.

1358
01:10:08,077 --> 01:10:09,829
I've seen this girl.

1359
01:10:09,996 --> 01:10:11,247
FRANCIS:
Ah, this must be Vanessa.

1360
01:10:11,372 --> 01:10:12,540
I've heard so much about you.

1361
01:10:13,166 --> 01:10:14,167
(groaning)

1362
01:10:16,878 --> 01:10:19,005
Um, sweetheart,
you might wanna look around.

1363
01:10:19,589 --> 01:10:22,217
This isn't really the place
to do something like that.

1364
01:10:23,593 --> 01:10:25,261
Easy, Angel.

1365
01:10:25,428 --> 01:10:26,763
Put the little man down.

1366
01:10:28,348 --> 01:10:30,099
We have everything
we need now.

1367
01:10:30,516 --> 01:10:31,601
You sure?

1368
01:10:32,268 --> 01:10:35,271
You don't want any clothes
that are not monochromatic?

1369
01:10:35,438 --> 01:10:38,107
Have fun at your midnight
showing of <i>Blade II.</i>

1370
01:10:39,943 --> 01:10:41,027
Whoo.

1371
01:10:41,778 --> 01:10:43,446
Thanks for
having my back, guys.

1372
01:10:48,451 --> 01:10:50,870
Wade, we have
a fucking problem.

1373
01:10:50,954 --> 01:10:52,789
And by "we," I mean "you."

1374
01:10:53,623 --> 01:10:55,291
Ah, I can't believe
I'm doing this.

1375
01:10:55,792 --> 01:10:58,544
Is there a word for
half afraid, half angry?

1376
01:10:58,711 --> 01:11:00,755
Yeah, "afrangry", I guess.

1377
01:11:00,922 --> 01:11:02,590
Have you decided what
you're gonna say to her?

1378
01:11:02,757 --> 01:11:03,758
Fuck me!

1379
01:11:04,092 --> 01:11:05,969
Uh, maybe not start with that.

1380
01:11:06,094 --> 01:11:07,804
(trap music playing)

1381
01:11:11,891 --> 01:11:15,061
Hey, coming onto
our stage right now...

1382
01:11:15,228 --> 01:11:17,438
give it up for Chastity!

1383
01:11:17,480 --> 01:11:18,815
(all cheering)

1384
01:11:21,234 --> 01:11:23,486
Or as I like
to call her, Irony.

1385
01:11:23,653 --> 01:11:25,655
Better find her fast
before numbnuts does.

1386
01:11:25,822 --> 01:11:27,156
How do you know she's in here?

1387
01:11:27,323 --> 01:11:30,493
Because I'm constantly
stalking that fox.

1388
01:11:44,590 --> 01:11:48,261
(music fades out)

1389
01:11:55,476 --> 01:11:58,980
WADE: <i>Every time I see her,</i>
<i>it's like the first time...</i>

1390
01:11:59,814 --> 01:12:01,983
<i>Especially from this angle.</i>

1391
01:12:21,210 --> 01:12:22,211
(music fades in)

1392
01:12:22,337 --> 01:12:23,546
(men cheering)

1393
01:12:25,465 --> 01:12:26,716
ANNOUNCER: You can't buy love,

1394
01:12:26,841 --> 01:12:29,510
but you can rent it
for three minutes.

1395
01:12:30,720 --> 01:12:31,721
(exhales)

1396
01:12:32,555 --> 01:12:35,224
Ah, you weak motherfucker!

1397
01:12:35,975 --> 01:12:36,976
Come on!

1398
01:12:38,227 --> 01:12:39,479
Come on, get it together.

1399
01:12:39,562 --> 01:12:41,522
This isn't about me,
this is about Vanessa.

1400
01:12:45,651 --> 01:12:46,986
Here we go.

1401
01:12:49,572 --> 01:12:51,199
Maximum effort.

1402
01:12:54,744 --> 01:12:55,828
Vanessa.

1403
01:12:58,373 --> 01:13:00,249
Someone out back
asking for you.

1404
01:13:00,375 --> 01:13:02,502
Something about, uh,
an old boyfriend.

1405
01:13:29,862 --> 01:13:30,947
I knew it was you.

1406
01:13:32,782 --> 01:13:34,742
The weird, curvy edges.

1407
01:13:36,285 --> 01:13:38,121
Like a jigsaw puzzle.

1408
01:13:48,214 --> 01:13:50,091
You have Wade Wilson
to thank for this.

1409
01:13:52,802 --> 01:13:53,803
(Vanessa groans)

1410
01:13:59,100 --> 01:14:00,643
Hey. Hey! Where'd she go?

1411
01:14:00,810 --> 01:14:02,645
Uh, I saw her
head to the back.

1412
01:14:02,728 --> 01:14:04,147
Go get her, tiger.

1413
01:14:27,170 --> 01:14:29,422
(softly) Fuck. Fuck!

1414
01:14:32,175 --> 01:14:33,759
Motherfucker!

1415
01:14:33,926 --> 01:14:36,095
-Wait, wait. Let's... Just...
-Cock juggling...

1416
01:14:36,179 --> 01:14:37,180
We can talk about
what we're gonna...

1417
01:14:37,263 --> 01:14:38,264
Jiminy! Fuck face!

1418
01:14:38,347 --> 01:14:39,515
Okay, or you can hit that.

1419
01:14:39,599 --> 01:14:41,350
-Yeah, yeah, yeah.
-Fuck! Fuck!

1420
01:14:41,517 --> 01:14:44,187
-No, no. All right. Hey!
-Fuck! Fuck!

1421
01:14:44,645 --> 01:14:45,688
-Fuck!
-Hey, um...

1422
01:14:46,314 --> 01:14:48,691
-Whoa! Whoa!
-Relax. Relax. Okay.

1423
01:14:48,858 --> 01:14:50,026
Okay. I think
that's a good start.

1424
01:14:50,193 --> 01:14:52,195
Oh, I'm gonna
rip his motherfucking...

1425
01:14:52,278 --> 01:14:53,321
-(cell phone ringing)
-Wait.

1426
01:14:53,362 --> 01:14:54,780
-Find it! Find it.
-What?

1427
01:14:54,947 --> 01:14:56,365
-I'm gonna get angry.
-Okay. All right.

1428
01:14:56,782 --> 01:14:58,451
All right. Okay. All right.

1429
01:14:58,618 --> 01:14:59,827
Here. This is Vanessa.

1430
01:14:59,994 --> 01:15:01,871
-What?
-No, wait. It's Francis.

1431
01:15:02,038 --> 01:15:03,122
He wants you to come to him.

1432
01:15:04,790 --> 01:15:06,375
-What is that?
-That's the shit emoji.

1433
01:15:06,542 --> 01:15:08,544
You know, it's the turd with
the smiling face and the eyes?

1434
01:15:08,711 --> 01:15:11,047
I thought it was chocolate
yogurt for so long.

1435
01:15:11,714 --> 01:15:12,840
I need guns.

1436
01:15:13,007 --> 01:15:14,008
Okay, which ones?

1437
01:15:14,175 --> 01:15:15,218
I need all the guns!

1438
01:15:15,384 --> 01:15:16,552
All right. Okay.

1439
01:15:16,677 --> 01:15:18,221
(heavy metal playing)

1440
01:15:37,240 --> 01:15:38,741
That's about 3,000 rounds.

1441
01:15:39,700 --> 01:15:41,744
We all know
what I can do with 12.

1442
01:15:42,161 --> 01:15:44,247
Hey, hey, careful
with that, Ronnie Milsap!

1443
01:15:44,413 --> 01:15:45,498
We're downrange.

1444
01:15:46,916 --> 01:15:48,417
I was gonna spend the night

1445
01:15:48,501 --> 01:15:50,503
assembling the Börje, but
this is holding my interest.

1446
01:15:51,671 --> 01:15:54,382
I told you, we're going with
the Urvaj, not the Börje.

1447
01:15:54,549 --> 01:15:56,425
Get it through your head
or get out of fuck town.

1448
01:15:56,592 --> 01:15:59,220
Shit. That's all the pieces
in the house.

1449
01:15:59,428 --> 01:16:01,180
Nah, nah... Come on.
Let's go. Cough it up.

1450
01:16:01,556 --> 01:16:03,057
Up, up, up.

1451
01:16:04,183 --> 01:16:05,434
Oh. Down, down, down.

1452
01:16:05,601 --> 01:16:06,602
Fuck you.

1453
01:16:08,437 --> 01:16:11,232
.45 cal. I like it.

1454
01:16:13,359 --> 01:16:14,610
Wade...

1455
01:16:15,778 --> 01:16:18,531
I'd go with you,
but I don't want to.

1456
01:16:21,742 --> 01:16:22,743
Uh...

1457
01:16:23,077 --> 01:16:24,245
Listen, Al...

1458
01:16:25,288 --> 01:16:27,790
if I never see you again,

1459
01:16:27,873 --> 01:16:30,459
I want you to know that
I love you very much.

1460
01:16:31,419 --> 01:16:35,214
And also, uh, there's
about 116 kilos of cocaine

1461
01:16:35,298 --> 01:16:36,424
buried somewhere
in the apartment...

1462
01:16:36,591 --> 01:16:39,385
right next to the cure
for blindness. Good luck.

1463
01:16:44,890 --> 01:16:46,142
You wanna get fucked up?

1464
01:16:46,601 --> 01:16:47,977
(seagulls screeching)

1465
01:16:51,314 --> 01:16:53,649
(man speaking
indistinctly over p.a.)

1466
01:16:54,567 --> 01:16:56,152
(mumbling)

1467
01:16:56,277 --> 01:16:57,778
Put her down over here.

1468
01:16:59,488 --> 01:17:00,489
(whimpers)

1469
01:17:03,159 --> 01:17:04,785
(mumbling continues)

1470
01:17:07,997 --> 01:17:09,165
Go on then.

1471
01:17:11,626 --> 01:17:14,170
Thanks, dickless.
And I mean you.

1472
01:17:14,670 --> 01:17:17,840
Wow. You're a talker too.
You and Wade.

1473
01:17:18,007 --> 01:17:19,759
I've been trying
to tell you assholes,

1474
01:17:19,842 --> 01:17:21,177
you've got the wrong girl.

1475
01:17:21,344 --> 01:17:22,762
My old boyfriend, he's dead.

1476
01:17:22,928 --> 01:17:26,349
See, I thought that too.
But he keeps on coming back.

1477
01:17:26,641 --> 01:17:27,850
Like a cockroach...

1478
01:17:28,017 --> 01:17:29,310
but uglier.

1479
01:17:30,353 --> 01:17:33,814
Now, I may not feel,
but he does.

1480
01:17:34,857 --> 01:17:36,776
Let's see how he fights
with your head on the block.

1481
01:17:45,785 --> 01:17:47,286
Ripley, from <i>Alien 3!</i>

1482
01:17:47,912 --> 01:17:49,747
Fuck, you're old.

1483
01:17:49,872 --> 01:17:51,248
(cackles)

1484
01:17:51,415 --> 01:17:53,709
Fake laugh. Hiding real pain.

1485
01:17:53,876 --> 01:17:55,211
Go get Silver Balls.

1486
01:17:55,378 --> 01:17:57,463
You guys going for a bite?
Early bird special?

1487
01:17:57,630 --> 01:17:58,881
Oh, like there's
something wrong

1488
01:17:58,923 --> 01:18:00,132
with eating before sundown
or saving money.

1489
01:18:00,549 --> 01:18:03,886
No, you know that bad guy
that you let go?

1490
01:18:04,553 --> 01:18:06,305
He's got my girl.

1491
01:18:06,472 --> 01:18:07,890
You're gonna
help me get her back.

1492
01:18:08,224 --> 01:18:09,975
COLOSSUS: Wade, is that you?

1493
01:18:10,142 --> 01:18:11,602
Yeah, it's me, Deadpool,

1494
01:18:11,727 --> 01:18:14,563
and I got an offer
that you can't refuse.

1495
01:18:17,233 --> 01:18:18,317
I'm gonna wait out here, okay?

1496
01:18:18,401 --> 01:18:19,402
It's a big house.

1497
01:18:19,485 --> 01:18:20,569
It's funny that
I only ever see two of you.

1498
01:18:20,611 --> 01:18:23,906
It's almost like the studio
couldn't afford another X-Man.

1499
01:18:27,410 --> 01:18:28,828
WADE: And that is why,
in my opinion...

1500
01:18:28,994 --> 01:18:32,164
the movie <i>Cocoon</i>
is pure pornography.

1501
01:18:32,665 --> 01:18:34,333
Who brought this twinkly man?

1502
01:18:34,500 --> 01:18:36,460
Twinkly, but deadly.

1503
01:18:36,627 --> 01:18:39,004
My chrome-penised
friend back there

1504
01:18:39,088 --> 01:18:40,673
has agreed
to do me this solid.

1505
01:18:41,257 --> 01:18:43,134
In exchange,
I said that I would

1506
01:18:43,259 --> 01:18:45,136
consider joining his boy band.

1507
01:18:45,302 --> 01:18:46,470
It's not boy band.

1508
01:18:46,637 --> 01:18:47,680
Sure it's not.

1509
01:18:48,431 --> 01:18:50,683
(sighs loudly) So,
any luck winning Gita back?

1510
01:18:51,475 --> 01:18:53,811
I tried to hold on tight,
Mr. Pool...

1511
01:18:53,936 --> 01:18:57,606
but Bandhu is more craftier
and handsomer than me.

1512
01:18:58,274 --> 01:18:59,984
Well, I think you're
pretty darn cute.

1513
01:19:02,111 --> 01:19:03,279
(man screams)

1514
01:19:03,362 --> 01:19:04,447
(Punjabi music
playing on radio)

1515
01:19:05,865 --> 01:19:07,450
-Dopinder.
-Hmm?

1516
01:19:08,826 --> 01:19:09,827
What was that?

1517
01:19:10,619 --> 01:19:11,787
Uh...

1518
01:19:11,871 --> 01:19:17,460
That was Bandhu in the trunk.

1519
01:19:18,169 --> 01:19:19,336
Ban who?

1520
01:19:19,503 --> 01:19:22,173
My romantic rival Bandhu.
He's tied up in the trunk.

1521
01:19:22,339 --> 01:19:23,883
I'm doing as you said, DP.

1522
01:19:24,049 --> 01:19:25,968
I plan to gut him
like a tandoori fish,

1523
01:19:26,051 --> 01:19:27,845
then dump his carcass
on Gita's doorstep.

1524
01:19:29,138 --> 01:19:30,723
I did not tell him to do that.

1525
01:19:30,890 --> 01:19:33,476
Absolutely not.
It got lost in translation.

1526
01:19:33,642 --> 01:19:36,729
Dopinder, this is no way
to win Gita's heart back!

1527
01:19:36,896 --> 01:19:37,897
(whispers)
I'm so proud of you.

1528
01:19:38,063 --> 01:19:40,149
Drop Bandhu off,
safe and gentle-like.

1529
01:19:40,232 --> 01:19:41,233
(whispers) Kill him.

1530
01:19:41,317 --> 01:19:43,319
And then, win Gita back...

1531
01:19:43,486 --> 01:19:46,197
the old fashioned way:
with your boyish charm.

1532
01:19:46,363 --> 01:19:47,698
(whispers) Kidnap her.

1533
01:19:49,241 --> 01:19:50,409
He's super dead.

1534
01:19:50,910 --> 01:19:51,911
Whoa!

1535
01:19:55,873 --> 01:19:57,374
I presume a crisp high five?

1536
01:19:57,541 --> 01:19:58,834
For you? 10.

1537
01:20:00,336 --> 01:20:03,005
Okay, guys, let's get out
there and make a difference.

1538
01:20:03,172 --> 01:20:05,090
(whispers)
You know what to do.

1539
01:20:06,050 --> 01:20:08,677
Knock 'em dead, Pool Boy!

1540
01:20:09,887 --> 01:20:11,847
Time to make
the chimi-fuckin'-changas.

1541
01:20:13,390 --> 01:20:14,892
WADE: <i>Not often</i>
<i>a dude ruins your face...</i>

1542
01:20:15,059 --> 01:20:17,895
<i>skull-stomps your sanity,</i>
<i>grabs your future baby mama...</i>

1543
01:20:18,062 --> 01:20:19,688
<i>and personally sees to four</i>

1544
01:20:19,772 --> 01:20:22,107
<i>of your five</i>
<i>shittiest moments.</i>

1545
01:20:22,274 --> 01:20:26,445
<i>Let's just say it's beginning</i>
<i>to look a lot like Christmas.</i>

1546
01:20:39,375 --> 01:20:40,626
NEGASONIC TEENAGE WARHEAD:
Hey.

1547
01:20:40,793 --> 01:20:42,044
Where's your duffle bag?

1548
01:20:43,879 --> 01:20:44,880
(phone ringing)

1549
01:20:46,298 --> 01:20:50,052
(Hindi song playing on radio)

1550
01:20:54,390 --> 01:20:55,474
(truck honking)

1551
01:20:56,225 --> 01:20:57,226
(tires screeching)

1552
01:20:57,393 --> 01:20:59,103
-(thuds)
-(Bandhu screams)

1553
01:21:00,938 --> 01:21:02,314
DOPINDER: Bandhu?

1554
01:21:03,899 --> 01:21:05,818
DOPINDER: Leave a message and
have a happy day.

1555
01:21:05,985 --> 01:21:07,278
God damn it!

1556
01:21:07,444 --> 01:21:08,988
I'm gonna do this
the old fashioned way...

1557
01:21:09,154 --> 01:21:12,616
with two swords
and maximum effort.

1558
01:21:13,576 --> 01:21:14,618
Cue the music.

1559
01:21:14,743 --> 01:21:16,745
(hip-hop music playing)

1560
01:21:25,004 --> 01:21:26,255
(music stops)

1561
01:21:30,759 --> 01:21:33,262
FRANCIS: Wade Wilson!

1562
01:21:33,804 --> 01:21:35,431
What's my name?

1563
01:21:35,472 --> 01:21:37,641
Oh, I'mma fuckin'
spell it out for ya.

1564
01:21:39,935 --> 01:21:40,936
Go get some.

1565
01:21:41,103 --> 01:21:42,104
Superhero landing.

1566
01:21:42,271 --> 01:21:43,355
She's gonna do
a superhero landing.

1567
01:21:43,439 --> 01:21:44,481
Wait for it.

1568
01:21:47,776 --> 01:21:48,777
WADE: Whoo!

1569
01:21:48,944 --> 01:21:50,112
Superhero landing!

1570
01:21:50,613 --> 01:21:51,697
You know, that's really hard
on your knees.

1571
01:21:52,031 --> 01:21:53,449
Totally impractical.
They all do it.

1572
01:21:53,991 --> 01:21:57,119
You're a lovely lady, but
I'm saving myself for Francis.

1573
01:21:57,286 --> 01:21:58,370
That's why I brought him.

1574
01:21:58,537 --> 01:22:01,790
I prefer not to hit a woman,
so please...

1575
01:22:03,334 --> 01:22:05,294
(groans)

1576
01:22:08,964 --> 01:22:12,051
I mean,
that's why I brought her?

1577
01:22:13,636 --> 01:22:15,679
Oh, no, finish your tweet.
It's not... That's...

1578
01:22:15,846 --> 01:22:17,306
Just give us a second. Yeah.

1579
01:22:17,473 --> 01:22:18,807
There you go. Hashtag it.

1580
01:22:20,184 --> 01:22:22,019
Go get her, tiger.

1581
01:22:23,312 --> 01:22:25,064
(groans)

1582
01:22:28,692 --> 01:22:32,404
Oh, I so pity the dude who
pressures her into prom sex.

1583
01:22:33,155 --> 01:22:34,698
All right, then. Fire!

1584
01:22:34,907 --> 01:22:36,325
(guns firing)

1585
01:22:42,748 --> 01:22:43,749
(grunts)

1586
01:22:46,418 --> 01:22:47,920
Finish fucking her
the fuck up!

1587
01:22:48,087 --> 01:22:49,171
Language, please.

1588
01:22:49,213 --> 01:22:50,339
Suck a cock.

1589
01:22:50,506 --> 01:22:51,840
(both grunting)

1590
01:23:16,365 --> 01:23:18,033
Look away, child.

1591
01:23:18,784 --> 01:23:20,119
Look away!

1592
01:23:20,911 --> 01:23:22,204
(screaming)

1593
01:23:27,459 --> 01:23:28,711
WADE: Wait!

1594
01:23:28,877 --> 01:23:29,878
Wait!

1595
01:23:30,045 --> 01:23:31,046
Cease fire!

1596
01:23:31,088 --> 01:23:32,297
Cease fire!

1597
01:23:32,464 --> 01:23:33,924
WADE: Fellas! Hey! Hey!

1598
01:23:35,300 --> 01:23:38,887
You only work for that
shit-spackled muppet fart.

1599
01:23:39,054 --> 01:23:41,223
So, I'mma give you a chance

1600
01:23:41,306 --> 01:23:42,975
for y'all to lay down
your firearms...

1601
01:23:43,142 --> 01:23:46,061
in exchange for preferential,
bordering on gentle...

1602
01:23:46,228 --> 01:23:49,648
possibly even
lover-like treatment.

1603
01:23:49,898 --> 01:23:51,483
(guns firing)

1604
01:23:51,734 --> 01:23:52,901
Fine.

1605
01:23:52,943 --> 01:23:53,986
Commando!

1606
01:23:54,903 --> 01:23:56,280
(grunting)

1607
01:24:02,786 --> 01:24:03,996
(exhaling)

1608
01:24:04,830 --> 01:24:06,081
(grunting)

1609
01:24:08,250 --> 01:24:09,251
(Colossus grunts)

1610
01:24:09,418 --> 01:24:10,419
(Angel Dust groans)

1611
01:24:14,798 --> 01:24:16,258
(both grunting)

1612
01:24:28,937 --> 01:24:29,938
(growls)

1613
01:24:30,439 --> 01:24:31,523
(men groaning)

1614
01:24:46,663 --> 01:24:47,664
(grunting)

1615
01:25:06,058 --> 01:25:07,142
Teabag!

1616
01:25:11,647 --> 01:25:12,648
Bob?

1617
01:25:13,649 --> 01:25:14,650
Wade?

1618
01:25:14,733 --> 01:25:15,901
Oh, my God,
I haven't seen you since...

1619
01:25:16,068 --> 01:25:18,362
-Jacksonville. Fridays.
-Since TGI Fridays.

1620
01:25:19,154 --> 01:25:20,906
Well, what the hell!

1621
01:25:21,490 --> 01:25:22,991
God, come here, you.

1622
01:25:23,408 --> 01:25:24,409
(grunts)

1623
01:25:25,160 --> 01:25:27,079
How are the kids? Good?

1624
01:25:27,663 --> 01:25:29,414
And Gail, she still fixing
that tuna casserole?

1625
01:25:29,581 --> 01:25:31,166
So good.
But bad for the waistline,

1626
01:25:31,250 --> 01:25:32,376
if you know what
I'm talking about.

1627
01:25:37,005 --> 01:25:38,048
Oh! (clears throat)

1628
01:25:39,091 --> 01:25:42,344
Your... On the left.
You are beautiful woman.

1629
01:25:42,511 --> 01:25:43,512
That is so sweet.

1630
01:25:43,846 --> 01:25:44,847
Uh...

1631
01:25:45,013 --> 01:25:46,014
Thanks.

1632
01:25:46,431 --> 01:25:47,432
(grunts)

1633
01:25:51,353 --> 01:25:52,354
(groans)

1634
01:25:53,647 --> 01:25:54,648
WADE: Yoo-hoo!

1635
01:25:58,193 --> 01:25:59,736
FRANCIS: Does he
write you notes too?

1636
01:25:59,862 --> 01:26:01,697
He's such a romantic.

1637
01:26:02,114 --> 01:26:03,532
WADE: Don't worry, baby.
I'm comin'.

1638
01:26:04,867 --> 01:26:05,868
Fire!

1639
01:26:06,285 --> 01:26:07,536
(guns firing)

1640
01:26:13,542 --> 01:26:14,960
NEGASONIC TEENAGE WARHEAD:
Hey!

1641
01:26:15,210 --> 01:26:16,211
Climb on!

1642
01:26:17,963 --> 01:26:19,965
(dramatic music playing)

1643
01:26:27,472 --> 01:26:28,473
(screaming)

1644
01:26:34,396 --> 01:26:35,981
(groaning)

1645
01:26:53,290 --> 01:26:54,833
Motherfucking...

1646
01:27:06,178 --> 01:27:08,680
Motherfucker should have worn
his brown pants.

1647
01:27:11,433 --> 01:27:12,601
You were right, beautiful.

1648
01:27:13,518 --> 01:27:15,270
Red really is my color.

1649
01:27:15,979 --> 01:27:17,022
Wade?

1650
01:27:17,105 --> 01:27:18,148
Don't worry, baby...

1651
01:27:18,482 --> 01:27:20,484
I'mma get you out
of that shit-box.

1652
01:27:20,943 --> 01:27:23,111
What better way to crawl back
inside that head of yours?

1653
01:27:23,278 --> 01:27:25,030
Oh, you never left.

1654
01:27:25,197 --> 01:27:27,199
But you did, asshole!

1655
01:27:27,366 --> 01:27:28,825
Ah, deep breath, darling.

1656
01:27:30,369 --> 01:27:31,495
Oh, wait.

1657
01:27:32,621 --> 01:27:34,122
Wrong choice of words.

1658
01:27:35,290 --> 01:27:36,291
(choking)

1659
01:27:36,375 --> 01:27:39,127
I hope they blocked pain
to your every last nerve.

1660
01:27:39,294 --> 01:27:40,379
'Cause I'mma go lookin'!

1661
01:27:41,797 --> 01:27:43,840
I hear you grow back
body parts now, Wade.

1662
01:27:44,341 --> 01:27:45,342
When I'm finished...

1663
01:27:45,467 --> 01:27:47,177
parts will have
to grow back you.

1664
01:27:47,344 --> 01:27:48,470
Good one.

1665
01:27:49,388 --> 01:27:51,139
Yep, that was a good one.

1666
01:27:51,306 --> 01:27:52,307
Let's dance.

1667
01:27:53,642 --> 01:27:54,810
And by dance, I mean...

1668
01:27:54,977 --> 01:27:56,061
let's try to kill each other.

1669
01:27:56,478 --> 01:27:57,813
-(grunting)
-(metal clanking)

1670
01:28:05,988 --> 01:28:07,155
(gasping)

1671
01:28:07,572 --> 01:28:08,699
(grunting)

1672
01:28:13,662 --> 01:28:14,663
(groans)

1673
01:28:33,181 --> 01:28:34,391
(Colossus groaning)

1674
01:28:38,395 --> 01:28:39,521
(choking)

1675
01:28:50,699 --> 01:28:52,951
Fine. Fists.

1676
01:28:53,243 --> 01:28:55,078
Oh, sounds like
your last Saturday night.

1677
01:28:55,287 --> 01:28:56,705
(grunting)

1678
01:29:21,813 --> 01:29:23,148
(groaning)

1679
01:29:35,327 --> 01:29:36,578
(grunting)

1680
01:29:41,750 --> 01:29:43,585
(Vanessa groans)

1681
01:30:16,952 --> 01:30:19,037
Asshole!

1682
01:30:25,460 --> 01:30:26,461
(Francis grunts)

1683
01:30:27,170 --> 01:30:28,547
(groans)

1684
01:30:36,888 --> 01:30:38,348
(grunting)

1685
01:30:47,357 --> 01:30:48,358
(exploding)

1686
01:30:58,326 --> 01:30:59,870
(grunting)

1687
01:31:10,839 --> 01:31:11,840
(screams)

1688
01:31:15,385 --> 01:31:16,386
Hang in there, baby!

1689
01:31:16,887 --> 01:31:18,847
-Wade!
-I gotcha!

1690
01:31:22,267 --> 01:31:24,227
I got a plan.
You're not gonna like it.

1691
01:31:24,603 --> 01:31:25,687
(grunting)

1692
01:31:34,863 --> 01:31:36,031
Shit! Shit! Shit!

1693
01:31:37,699 --> 01:31:39,701
(Vanessa screaming)

1694
01:31:41,953 --> 01:31:44,456
Don't worry.
I'm totally on top of this.

1695
01:31:49,127 --> 01:31:50,712
(panting)

1696
01:31:59,638 --> 01:32:01,556
Ah! Damn it!

1697
01:32:02,474 --> 01:32:05,393
Maximum effort!

1698
01:32:06,645 --> 01:32:07,896
(Vanessa screams)

1699
01:32:24,913 --> 01:32:26,373
(rumbling)

1700
01:32:44,182 --> 01:32:45,433
(grunts)

1701
01:32:47,644 --> 01:32:48,645
Thanks.

1702
01:32:53,608 --> 01:32:55,277
Just take it slow.

1703
01:33:01,992 --> 01:33:03,368
WADE: Yoo-hoo!

1704
01:33:05,662 --> 01:33:08,290
Oh, my God! That was so...

1705
01:33:08,373 --> 01:33:09,499
(grunting)

1706
01:33:35,984 --> 01:33:37,986
(exhaling heavily)

1707
01:33:38,028 --> 01:33:39,237
(Francis laughs)

1708
01:33:39,321 --> 01:33:40,905
There are no words!

1709
01:33:41,990 --> 01:33:45,577
Me and you are headed
to fix this butterface.

1710
01:33:46,328 --> 01:33:47,329
What?

1711
01:33:48,330 --> 01:33:49,331
(chuckles)

1712
01:33:49,873 --> 01:33:52,584
You stupid fucking idiot.

1713
01:33:53,168 --> 01:33:57,672
Did you really think
there was a cure... for that?

1714
01:33:59,507 --> 01:34:00,508
What?

1715
01:34:01,009 --> 01:34:02,052
You heard me.

1716
01:34:03,845 --> 01:34:04,888
No.

1717
01:34:05,055 --> 01:34:06,348
No!

1718
01:34:06,389 --> 01:34:08,683
-(breathing heavily)
-(laughing and coughing)

1719
01:34:13,521 --> 01:34:16,524
So, you mean to say...

1720
01:34:17,275 --> 01:34:21,529
after all this,
you can't fix me?

1721
01:34:22,113 --> 01:34:24,115
It sounds even stupider
when you say it.

1722
01:34:24,282 --> 01:34:26,076
Like the kind of stupid
who admits

1723
01:34:26,201 --> 01:34:29,371
he can't do the one thing
I'm keeping him alive for?

1724
01:34:33,208 --> 01:34:35,043
Any last words?

1725
01:34:36,920 --> 01:34:38,046
What's my name?

1726
01:34:39,130 --> 01:34:40,215
Who fucking cares?

1727
01:34:40,298 --> 01:34:41,299
COLOSSUS: Wade!

1728
01:34:42,884 --> 01:34:45,261
Four or five moments.

1729
01:34:45,720 --> 01:34:46,721
I'm sorry?

1730
01:34:47,180 --> 01:34:49,265
Four or five moments,
that's all it takes.

1731
01:34:49,891 --> 01:34:50,892
To?

1732
01:34:52,060 --> 01:34:53,395
Be a hero.

1733
01:34:53,728 --> 01:34:54,896
(groans)

1734
01:34:55,397 --> 01:34:57,982
Everyone thinks
it's a full-time job.

1735
01:34:58,149 --> 01:35:00,485
Wake up a hero,
brush your teeth a hero,

1736
01:35:00,568 --> 01:35:01,736
go to work a hero.

1737
01:35:02,570 --> 01:35:04,239
Not true.

1738
01:35:04,406 --> 01:35:07,283
Over a lifetime, there are
only four or five moments

1739
01:35:07,409 --> 01:35:09,577
that really matter.

1740
01:35:09,911 --> 01:35:12,288
Moments when
you're offered a choice.

1741
01:35:12,455 --> 01:35:15,083
To make a sacrifice,
conquer a flaw,

1742
01:35:15,166 --> 01:35:16,626
save a friend...

1743
01:35:17,419 --> 01:35:20,088
spare an enemy.

1744
01:35:20,463 --> 01:35:21,840
In these moments...

1745
01:35:22,632 --> 01:35:25,510
everything else falls away.

1746
01:35:26,261 --> 01:35:28,763
The way the world sees us.

1747
01:35:29,139 --> 01:35:30,140
The way we...

1748
01:35:31,099 --> 01:35:32,600
(retching)

1749
01:35:34,436 --> 01:35:35,437
Why?

1750
01:35:36,646 --> 01:35:38,606
You were droning on.

1751
01:35:38,773 --> 01:35:41,651
Sure, I may be stuck looking
like pepperoni flatbread...

1752
01:35:41,818 --> 01:35:44,612
but at least fuckface
won't heal from that.

1753
01:35:44,863 --> 01:35:47,490
If wearing superhero tights...

1754
01:35:47,949 --> 01:35:49,284
means sparing psychopaths...

1755
01:35:49,451 --> 01:35:51,494
then maybe I wasn't
meant to wear 'em.

1756
01:35:51,661 --> 01:35:53,997
Not everyone monitors
a hall like you.

1757
01:35:54,164 --> 01:35:55,206
Just promise...

1758
01:35:55,373 --> 01:35:56,875
Yeah, yeah,
I'll be on the lookout

1759
01:35:56,958 --> 01:35:59,002
for the next four moments.

1760
01:35:59,169 --> 01:36:00,670
(whispers) Oh, shit.

1761
01:36:00,837 --> 01:36:04,507
Now, if you'll excuse me,
I'm just a boy,

1762
01:36:04,632 --> 01:36:06,676
about to stand
in front of a girl...

1763
01:36:06,843 --> 01:36:08,052
and tell her...

1764
01:36:08,219 --> 01:36:10,180
What the fuck
am I gonna tell her?

1765
01:36:10,346 --> 01:36:13,641
Well, hmm,
you better figure it out.

1766
01:36:15,059 --> 01:36:16,227
-I can't even tell you...
-(grunts)

1767
01:36:16,394 --> 01:36:17,479
I deserved that. That, too.

1768
01:36:18,229 --> 01:36:19,856
No, no, no,
maybe not the nethers.

1769
01:36:20,023 --> 01:36:21,816
Start talking!

1770
01:36:23,860 --> 01:36:25,487
I'm sorry.

1771
01:36:25,695 --> 01:36:27,155
I'm so sorry.

1772
01:36:27,989 --> 01:36:30,533
(stutters) For everything,
I'm sorry for leaving...

1773
01:36:32,035 --> 01:36:33,995
I'm sorry for not
cowboying up sooner.

1774
01:36:34,162 --> 01:36:35,872
it's been rough
couple of years.

1775
01:36:35,997 --> 01:36:36,998
Rough?

1776
01:36:44,756 --> 01:36:46,591
I live in a crackhouse.

1777
01:36:47,842 --> 01:36:49,177
With a family of 12.

1778
01:36:50,929 --> 01:36:52,347
Every night
we spoon for warmth.

1779
01:36:52,514 --> 01:36:55,433
Everybody fights for Noelle.
She's the fattest.

1780
01:36:55,600 --> 01:36:57,185
There's nothing
that we don't share.

1781
01:36:57,268 --> 01:37:01,439
Floor space, dental floss,
even condoms.

1782
01:37:09,572 --> 01:37:11,741
So, you live in a house.

1783
01:37:20,583 --> 01:37:23,545
I should have come
and found you sooner.

1784
01:37:25,046 --> 01:37:26,381
But, baby,
the guy under this mask,

1785
01:37:26,422 --> 01:37:28,967
he ain't the same one
that you remember.

1786
01:37:33,388 --> 01:37:34,556
You mean this mask?

1787
01:37:54,742 --> 01:37:56,286
And this one.

1788
01:37:57,745 --> 01:37:59,581
In case the other fell off.

1789
01:38:02,500 --> 01:38:04,669
All right. Yeah, just... Ow.

1790
01:38:04,836 --> 01:38:06,421
Like a Band-Aid,
just give it a...

1791
01:38:06,588 --> 01:38:08,673
Owdie 5,000.

1792
01:38:08,840 --> 01:38:09,841
Wait, wait, wait...

1793
01:38:11,759 --> 01:38:13,011
Are you sure?

1794
01:38:14,929 --> 01:38:15,930
I'm sure.

1795
01:38:26,274 --> 01:38:27,275
Wow.

1796
01:38:28,651 --> 01:38:29,777
Yeah.

1797
01:38:36,701 --> 01:38:38,036
Hey.

1798
01:38:40,288 --> 01:38:42,040
After a brief
adjustment period...

1799
01:38:42,624 --> 01:38:44,500
and a bunch of drinks...

1800
01:38:45,960 --> 01:38:47,879
it's a face...

1801
01:38:52,342 --> 01:38:53,968
I'd be happy to sit on.

1802
01:39:01,476 --> 01:39:04,896
I'm not the same
underneath this suit, either.

1803
01:39:04,979 --> 01:39:05,980
No.

1804
01:39:06,522 --> 01:39:08,316
Super-penis.

1805
01:39:08,524 --> 01:39:10,401
COLOSSUS:
Come on, Wade. Language.

1806
01:39:10,652 --> 01:39:12,028
Young one is present.

1807
01:39:13,154 --> 01:39:14,822
What are you still doing?

1808
01:39:15,031 --> 01:39:17,659
Get out of here.
Go make yourself useful!

1809
01:39:17,825 --> 01:39:20,495
You, go be a really
big brother to someone.

1810
01:39:20,662 --> 01:39:22,246
Tell Beast to stop
shitting on my lawn.

1811
01:39:22,413 --> 01:39:24,207
And you, chicken noodle...

1812
01:39:24,374 --> 01:39:26,084
Nothing compares to you.

1813
01:39:26,250 --> 01:39:28,211
Sinéad O'Connor, 1990. Sorry.

1814
01:39:28,378 --> 01:39:31,089
That's all right. You're cool.

1815
01:39:31,172 --> 01:39:32,340
(gasps)

1816
01:39:33,007 --> 01:39:34,592
What in the ass?

1817
01:39:34,759 --> 01:39:37,845
That was not mean.
I'm proud of you!

1818
01:39:38,221 --> 01:39:41,265
We will make an X-Man
of you yet, Wade.

1819
01:39:41,432 --> 01:39:42,684
For a second there,

1820
01:39:42,767 --> 01:39:44,435
it felt like we were
three mini-lion robots...

1821
01:39:44,602 --> 01:39:46,854
coming together to form
one super robot.

1822
01:39:47,689 --> 01:39:48,773
There's a stupid.

1823
01:39:48,940 --> 01:39:50,024
Yeah.

1824
01:39:53,444 --> 01:39:57,865
And now, for the moment
I've all been waiting for.

1825
01:40:01,577 --> 01:40:02,704
Come here.

1826
01:40:05,707 --> 01:40:07,375
(pop music playing)

1827
01:40:10,753 --> 01:40:12,547
(laughing)

1828
01:40:12,588 --> 01:40:15,550
Wham! As promised.

1829
01:40:20,888 --> 01:40:22,557
(man vocalizing)

1830
01:40:28,604 --> 01:40:29,647
WADE: <i>See?</i>

1831
01:40:29,814 --> 01:40:33,276
<i>You don't need to be</i>
<i>a superhero to get the girl.</i>

1832
01:40:33,443 --> 01:40:36,237
<i>The right girl will bring out</i>
<i>the hero in you.</i>

1833
01:40:36,821 --> 01:40:40,241
<i>Now, let's finish this</i>
<i>epic wide shot. Pull out.</i>

1834
01:40:40,408 --> 01:40:41,826
<i>There we go, that looks nice.</i>

1835
01:40:41,993 --> 01:40:43,077
<i>That's gonna be</i>
<i>about the only thing</i>

1836
01:40:43,161 --> 01:40:44,245
<i>that's pulling out tonight.</i>

1837
01:40:44,412 --> 01:40:47,665
<i>Who doesn't love</i>
<i>a happy ending, huh?</i>

1838
01:40:47,832 --> 01:40:49,333
<i>'Til next time, this is</i>

1839
01:40:49,417 --> 01:40:51,461
<i>your friendly neighborhood</i>
<i>pool guy singin'...</i>

1840
01:40:51,753 --> 01:40:54,005
<i>♪ I'm never gonna dance again ♪</i>

1841
01:40:54,088 --> 01:40:57,592
<i>♪ The way I danced with you ♪</i>

1842
01:47:07,461 --> 01:47:09,130
You're still here?

1843
01:47:11,674 --> 01:47:14,718
It's over. Go home.

1844
01:47:16,470 --> 01:47:18,848
Oh, you're expecting
a teaser for <i>Deadpool 2.</i>

1845
01:47:18,973 --> 01:47:20,808
Well, we don't have
that kind of money.

1846
01:47:21,809 --> 01:47:24,687
What are you expecting?
Sam Jackson to show up?

1847
01:47:24,854 --> 01:47:27,398
With an eye patch and a saucy
little leather number?

1848
01:47:27,565 --> 01:47:29,191
Go. Go.

1849
01:47:34,405 --> 01:47:35,406
Oh.

1850
01:47:35,489 --> 01:47:37,867
But I can tell you one thing,
and it's a bit of a secret.

1851
01:47:38,033 --> 01:47:41,162
For the sequel,
we're gonna have Cable.

1852
01:47:41,328 --> 01:47:43,664
Amazing character.
Bionic arm, time travel.

1853
01:47:43,831 --> 01:47:44,832
We have no idea
who we're gonna

1854
01:47:44,874 --> 01:47:46,000
cast yet, but
it could be anybody.

1855
01:47:46,167 --> 01:47:47,668
Just need a big guy
with a flat top.

1856
01:47:47,710 --> 01:47:49,336
Could be Mel Gibson,
Dolph Lundgren...

1857
01:47:49,503 --> 01:47:51,839
Keira Knightley.
She's got range. Who knows.

1858
01:47:52,006 --> 01:47:53,340
Anyway, big secret. Shh...

1859
01:47:53,507 --> 01:47:55,426
Oh, and don't leave your
garbage all lying around.

1860
01:47:55,509 --> 01:47:57,928
It's a total dick move.

1861
01:47:58,888 --> 01:48:00,014
Go.

1862
01:48:02,057 --> 01:48:03,851
(vocalizes)