1 00:00:03,720 --> 00:00:04,068 . 2 00:00:04,112 --> 00:00:07,593 [soft music playing over speakers] 3 00:00:07,637 --> 00:00:09,073 - Come on, we gotta get back home 4 00:00:09,117 --> 00:00:10,379 for the "Property Brothers" marathon. 5 00:00:10,422 --> 00:00:11,815 - Oh, I can't wait; they're finally 6 00:00:11,858 --> 00:00:14,557 airing the episode where they accidentally kiss. 7 00:00:14,600 --> 00:00:16,689 - I'll make guacamole. - Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. 8 00:00:16,733 --> 00:00:18,430 ♪ 9 00:00:18,474 --> 00:00:20,476 - Sir, where are all your avocados? 10 00:00:20,519 --> 00:00:22,130 - We haven't gotten any in all week. 11 00:00:22,173 --> 00:00:23,435 Those are the last two. 12 00:00:23,479 --> 00:00:25,133 - What do you mean, you haven't gotten any? 13 00:00:25,176 --> 00:00:26,351 Avocados are local. 14 00:00:26,395 --> 00:00:28,179 - Oh, give me those. - [scoffs] 15 00:00:28,223 --> 00:00:29,615 - My children need their healthy fats. 16 00:00:29,659 --> 00:00:32,792 - Yeah, excuse me, but my daughter was here first, 17 00:00:32,836 --> 00:00:33,924 so can I-- - Excuse me, 18 00:00:33,967 --> 00:00:35,317 I drove in from Santa Monica 19 00:00:35,360 --> 00:00:37,580 because my psychic told me this place had avocados. 20 00:00:37,623 --> 00:00:38,537 - Wait a second. 21 00:00:38,581 --> 00:00:40,191 The whole city's out of avocados? 22 00:00:40,235 --> 00:00:43,151 - What? - No, I was asking. 23 00:00:43,194 --> 00:00:45,283 Okay, you should-- 24 00:00:45,327 --> 00:00:48,243 Oh, you all right? - Which way is Mexico? 25 00:00:48,286 --> 00:00:51,028 - Uh-oh, uh-oh. - Security to aisle three. 26 00:00:51,072 --> 00:00:53,552 Security to aisle three. - Oh! 27 00:00:53,596 --> 00:00:56,164 [alarm ringing] - Dad, what's going on? 28 00:00:56,207 --> 00:01:00,081 Is there an avocado crisis? 29 00:01:00,124 --> 00:01:03,084 [bright music] 30 00:01:03,127 --> 00:01:07,218 ♪ 31 00:01:07,262 --> 00:01:09,090 [bell dinging] 32 00:01:09,133 --> 00:01:11,570 - The agricultural commissioner says the avocado shortage 33 00:01:11,614 --> 00:01:13,181 is affecting the whole region. 34 00:01:13,224 --> 00:01:15,139 Supermarkets ran out over the weekend, 35 00:01:15,183 --> 00:01:16,923 local Girl Scouts ran out of their vegan 36 00:01:16,967 --> 00:01:18,360 Avoca-Go-Girl cookies, 37 00:01:18,403 --> 00:01:20,536 and also, Passover's coming up. 38 00:01:20,579 --> 00:01:23,016 - And there won't be guacamole or dragon rolls. 39 00:01:23,060 --> 00:01:24,931 LA Judaism's weird. 40 00:01:24,975 --> 00:01:26,150 - Sir. - Hmm. 41 00:01:26,194 --> 00:01:27,369 - Adolphus Hass is here to see you. 42 00:01:27,412 --> 00:01:29,632 - The California 'Cado King? 43 00:01:29,675 --> 00:01:30,502 Good. 44 00:01:30,546 --> 00:01:31,895 Look, we're all scared, 45 00:01:31,938 --> 00:01:33,114 but it's gonna be okay. 46 00:01:33,157 --> 00:01:34,506 This is a business problem, 47 00:01:34,550 --> 00:01:37,205 and solving business problems is my middle name. 48 00:01:37,248 --> 00:01:38,728 - That's beautiful. Is that Polish or-- 49 00:01:38,771 --> 00:01:42,123 - Whatever I was supposed to be doing today, cancel it. 50 00:01:42,993 --> 00:01:44,386 - Get out of here! 51 00:01:44,429 --> 00:01:46,170 We don't have time for you! 52 00:01:46,214 --> 00:01:48,216 ♪ 53 00:01:48,259 --> 00:01:49,826 - [yawns] 54 00:01:49,869 --> 00:01:51,044 - Finally. 55 00:01:51,088 --> 00:01:52,959 God, these interns get worse every year. 56 00:01:53,003 --> 00:01:54,831 - [weakly] No, I'm your boss. 57 00:01:54,874 --> 00:01:56,441 - Hey, where the hell have you been? 58 00:01:56,485 --> 00:01:59,009 - I know, rough morning. I haven't been sleeping. 59 00:01:59,052 --> 00:02:01,838 Neil texts me every time he gets up to pee at night. 60 00:02:01,881 --> 00:02:03,187 - Oh, that's too many times. 61 00:02:03,231 --> 00:02:04,797 - And then I can't fall back asleep, 62 00:02:04,841 --> 00:02:06,321 and blah, blah, blah. 63 00:02:06,364 --> 00:02:08,758 - Take some melatonin and watch a Cardi B ASMR video. 64 00:02:08,801 --> 00:02:10,586 That's my move, and I sleep like a toddler. 65 00:02:10,629 --> 00:02:11,978 - Hmm. 66 00:02:12,022 --> 00:02:13,154 Hi. 67 00:02:13,197 --> 00:02:15,243 - Makeup-free Monday, very brave. 68 00:02:15,286 --> 00:02:17,332 - No, I'm not sleeping. - Me neither. 69 00:02:17,375 --> 00:02:19,725 I've been so excited to get into this with you. 70 00:02:19,769 --> 00:02:21,988 - Right, your water table thing. 71 00:02:22,032 --> 00:02:23,381 - You know it! 72 00:02:23,425 --> 00:02:25,731 - Mm, um, I've actually got a meeting right now. 73 00:02:25,775 --> 00:02:27,559 - Perfect, that'll give me time 74 00:02:27,603 --> 00:02:29,170 to do some vocal warm-ups. 75 00:02:29,213 --> 00:02:32,651 Water table, water table, ball gag. 76 00:02:32,695 --> 00:02:33,739 - Okay. 77 00:02:33,783 --> 00:02:35,741 - I'm glad you came by, Adolphus. 78 00:02:35,785 --> 00:02:38,440 - Oh, all my friends call me Adolph. 79 00:02:38,483 --> 00:02:40,833 - No, thank you. Go ahead, sit down. 80 00:02:40,877 --> 00:02:43,967 I tell you, the Southland's avocado farmers 81 00:02:44,010 --> 00:02:46,230 are bearing the brunt of this crisis. 82 00:02:46,274 --> 00:02:47,579 The first thing we need to figure out 83 00:02:47,623 --> 00:02:49,625 is what's causing the shortage. 84 00:02:49,668 --> 00:02:51,496 - It's this drought we're having. 85 00:02:51,540 --> 00:02:54,891 My farm's yields are lower than a limbo bar in Lilliput. 86 00:02:54,934 --> 00:02:57,198 - God, he's folksy. - You need water. 87 00:02:57,241 --> 00:02:58,764 I mean, it's the story of this city. 88 00:02:58,808 --> 00:03:01,245 If only the LA River had water in it 89 00:03:01,289 --> 00:03:04,292 instead of what I've been told is called pornography runoff. 90 00:03:04,335 --> 00:03:06,816 So how are we gonna fix this, Adolphus? 91 00:03:06,859 --> 00:03:08,209 - I'm glad you asked. 92 00:03:08,252 --> 00:03:10,472 See, I've been meeting with all the local mayors: 93 00:03:10,515 --> 00:03:12,865 Santa Monica, Burbank, Shondaland. 94 00:03:12,909 --> 00:03:14,563 - Shondaland, is that a real place? 95 00:03:14,606 --> 00:03:16,042 - Yes, but it's not for you, sir. 96 00:03:16,086 --> 00:03:19,307 - And they're all pitching in, but no place on Earth 97 00:03:19,350 --> 00:03:21,874 eats more 'cados than the City of Angels, 98 00:03:21,918 --> 00:03:24,181 so I sure do hope that you'll pony up. 99 00:03:24,225 --> 00:03:27,315 - I'm sorry, is that just a folksy way of asking for money? 100 00:03:27,358 --> 00:03:30,361 - If you subsidize Hass Farms, 101 00:03:30,405 --> 00:03:32,798 I can afford to ship water down from Seattle, 102 00:03:32,842 --> 00:03:35,236 and that place is wetter than an Italian-- 103 00:03:35,279 --> 00:03:36,367 - No, no, no, no, no. 104 00:03:36,411 --> 00:03:37,934 Look, that--that's not a solution. 105 00:03:37,977 --> 00:03:39,283 That's just a patch. 106 00:03:39,327 --> 00:03:41,416 - Hey, we're up crap crick here, boss. 107 00:03:41,459 --> 00:03:42,895 We need a patch, 108 00:03:42,939 --> 00:03:44,984 and isn't patches what government does best? 109 00:03:45,028 --> 00:03:47,944 - Sir, this avocado thing is a four-quadrant problem. 110 00:03:47,987 --> 00:03:50,686 It affects moms, babies, gay-bies, and ag workers. 111 00:03:50,729 --> 00:03:52,296 - Yeah, some people use avocados 112 00:03:52,340 --> 00:03:54,080 to trick himself into swallowing pills. 113 00:03:54,124 --> 00:03:56,474 - A subsidy is a win-win. 114 00:03:56,518 --> 00:03:58,694 I get water. People get their 'cados. 115 00:03:58,737 --> 00:04:00,391 We take a picture in an orchard. 116 00:04:00,435 --> 00:04:02,088 You get all the headlines. 117 00:04:02,132 --> 00:04:04,177 - Sir, a photo op and a positive headline 118 00:04:04,221 --> 00:04:06,571 might not be such a bad thing for you right now. 119 00:04:06,615 --> 00:04:08,181 - Yeah, your first 100 days are almost up, 120 00:04:08,225 --> 00:04:10,445 and according to all the reporters I've spoken to, 121 00:04:10,488 --> 00:04:12,185 the current angle is 122 00:04:12,229 --> 00:04:14,797 "New mayor is old but rich hot." 123 00:04:14,840 --> 00:04:16,625 - Rich hot? What, like Bezos? 124 00:04:16,668 --> 00:04:18,409 - No, not like Bezos. - Exactly, sir, like, Bezos. 125 00:04:18,453 --> 00:04:20,629 - Look, writing checks to make problems go away 126 00:04:20,672 --> 00:04:22,283 is not how I do things. 127 00:04:22,326 --> 00:04:23,893 both: "Back at my company..." 128 00:04:23,936 --> 00:04:27,113 - Back at my company, I learned how to do every job 129 00:04:27,157 --> 00:04:28,593 so I could fix every problem. 130 00:04:28,637 --> 00:04:31,335 I learned how to drive a forklift, balance the books. 131 00:04:31,379 --> 00:04:33,424 After the '94 earthquake, 132 00:04:33,468 --> 00:04:35,731 my drivers said the roads were not safe, 133 00:04:35,774 --> 00:04:37,602 so I went out, and I got a Class A 134 00:04:37,646 --> 00:04:40,388 tractor trailer license, and the next day, 135 00:04:40,431 --> 00:04:43,260 billboards for "Ace Ventura: Pet Detective" 136 00:04:43,304 --> 00:04:45,436 were all over Southern California. 137 00:04:45,480 --> 00:04:48,309 [laughter] - All righty, then! 138 00:04:48,352 --> 00:04:50,441 [laughter] 139 00:04:50,485 --> 00:04:52,182 - Yeah, I'm gonna fix this thing, Adolphus, 140 00:04:52,225 --> 00:04:54,967 but I'm gonna do it my way. 141 00:04:55,011 --> 00:04:56,491 - Well, 142 00:04:56,534 --> 00:04:57,970 when you come to your senses, 143 00:04:58,014 --> 00:05:00,321 you can find me on my farm in the Valley. 144 00:05:00,364 --> 00:05:01,583 - Okay. 145 00:05:01,626 --> 00:05:03,411 - Or if it's a weekend, Six Flags. 146 00:05:03,454 --> 00:05:07,023 I'm tall enough to ride everything. 147 00:05:07,066 --> 00:05:08,503 Yee-ha! 148 00:05:08,546 --> 00:05:10,374 ♪ 149 00:05:10,418 --> 00:05:14,639 - Borings, they are anything but. 150 00:05:14,683 --> 00:05:16,859 Oh, but I'm getting ahead of myself. 151 00:05:16,902 --> 00:05:20,645 What is water? 152 00:05:20,689 --> 00:05:23,256 It's transparent... 153 00:05:23,300 --> 00:05:24,867 [distorted and echoing] Wet. 154 00:05:24,910 --> 00:05:28,044 Common street names include wa-wa, the drink, God's tears. 155 00:05:28,087 --> 00:05:30,873 We live in a desert, which is why boring, 156 00:05:30,916 --> 00:05:33,702 boring, boring, boring, boring, boring, boring, 157 00:05:33,745 --> 00:05:35,660 boring, boring, boring, boring, boring... 158 00:05:35,704 --> 00:05:38,663 Oh, the end! - [snorts] 159 00:05:38,707 --> 00:05:39,882 Ah. 160 00:05:39,925 --> 00:05:41,492 Have you been talking for an hour? 161 00:05:41,536 --> 00:05:42,667 - Doesn't feel like it, does it? 162 00:05:42,711 --> 00:05:43,842 So what do you say? 163 00:05:43,886 --> 00:05:45,714 Take it to the mayor? Dazzle him? 164 00:05:45,757 --> 00:05:47,716 - Well, it's a lot to absorb. 165 00:05:47,759 --> 00:05:49,195 - Absorb. [chuckles] 166 00:05:49,239 --> 00:05:50,675 Water table humor. 167 00:05:50,719 --> 00:05:54,244 Well, absorb away, you walking phreatic zone. 168 00:05:54,287 --> 00:05:55,419 [both laugh] 169 00:05:55,463 --> 00:05:58,379 - A reference to the presentation. 170 00:05:58,422 --> 00:05:59,641 - Holler if you have any questions. 171 00:05:59,684 --> 00:06:03,514 I'm available 24-7, 366 if it's a leap year. 172 00:06:03,558 --> 00:06:05,864 [both laugh] 173 00:06:05,908 --> 00:06:08,737 - I saw you. You slept through Arpi's pitch. 174 00:06:08,780 --> 00:06:10,260 - Delete that, and not just because 175 00:06:10,303 --> 00:06:12,697 it's misogynist to take unflattering photos of women. 176 00:06:12,741 --> 00:06:14,525 - Yeah, she's gonna kill you if she finds out. 177 00:06:14,569 --> 00:06:15,918 - I didn't mean to fall asleep. 178 00:06:15,961 --> 00:06:18,181 She just talked so much. Give me that. 179 00:06:18,224 --> 00:06:19,878 - Do you remember when she caught the chief of police 180 00:06:19,922 --> 00:06:21,576 using his phone during a meeting? 181 00:06:21,619 --> 00:06:23,839 She made him cry, and he was at Fallujah. 182 00:06:23,882 --> 00:06:25,318 I don't know if you know this, but not everyone here 183 00:06:25,362 --> 00:06:27,016 sees you as an authority figure. 184 00:06:27,059 --> 00:06:28,496 - This is wrong. 185 00:06:28,539 --> 00:06:32,151 I asked for half-and-half and a splash of Nestle Quik. 186 00:06:32,195 --> 00:06:33,762 ♪ 187 00:06:33,805 --> 00:06:37,374 - Be-because it's mine, because I'm your boss. 188 00:06:37,418 --> 00:06:39,855 ♪ 189 00:06:41,596 --> 00:06:42,031 . 190 00:06:42,074 --> 00:06:43,902 - Kwapis, get in here. 191 00:06:46,688 --> 00:06:49,995 People are upset because they want avocados 192 00:06:50,039 --> 00:06:52,041 and they can't get them. - Nodding, getting it. 193 00:06:52,084 --> 00:06:54,217 - And I can't end the drought 194 00:06:54,260 --> 00:06:56,306 or make avocados magically appear, 195 00:06:56,349 --> 00:06:59,744 so how do you get a bone away from a dog? 196 00:06:59,788 --> 00:07:01,833 - Kiss it. - You distract it 197 00:07:01,877 --> 00:07:03,487 with something it wants even more. 198 00:07:03,531 --> 00:07:05,271 - Mm. - Now, when did people become 199 00:07:05,315 --> 00:07:07,752 so obsessed with avocados in the first place? 200 00:07:07,796 --> 00:07:10,973 - Uh, 2013, LA restaurants 201 00:07:11,016 --> 00:07:12,757 started serving the Australian breakfast, 202 00:07:12,801 --> 00:07:15,543 which is boiled steak, Dunkaroos, and avocado toast. 203 00:07:15,586 --> 00:07:19,503 - Avocados are just the latest well-branded LA health fad. 204 00:07:19,547 --> 00:07:21,592 Over the years, I have put up billboards 205 00:07:21,636 --> 00:07:24,595 for everything from pine nuts to pomegranate juice, 206 00:07:24,639 --> 00:07:27,903 and no one liked those things until marketers told them to. 207 00:07:27,946 --> 00:07:29,252 Did you know that quinoa 208 00:07:29,295 --> 00:07:31,515 was originally just Beanie Baby filler? 209 00:07:31,559 --> 00:07:33,604 - Well, then why does it say "do not eat" on the tag? 210 00:07:33,648 --> 00:07:35,998 - We just need to find the next fad. 211 00:07:36,041 --> 00:07:37,826 We need to find something that's abundant, 212 00:07:37,869 --> 00:07:39,392 that's high in omega-3s, 213 00:07:39,436 --> 00:07:42,091 and that people don't yet think of as edible. 214 00:07:42,134 --> 00:07:44,572 And then we rebrand it as... 215 00:07:44,615 --> 00:07:46,225 The avocado fish. 216 00:07:46,269 --> 00:07:48,010 Don't listen to anyone who says its real name 217 00:07:48,053 --> 00:07:49,577 is the monkeyface eel. 218 00:07:49,620 --> 00:07:50,795 It's not. 219 00:07:50,839 --> 00:07:52,101 - And is it supposed to smell like that? 220 00:07:52,144 --> 00:07:53,276 - Absolutely. 221 00:07:53,319 --> 00:07:54,973 Now, this superfood has all 222 00:07:55,017 --> 00:07:56,888 the healthy fats of an avocado 223 00:07:56,932 --> 00:07:58,107 with none of the pits, 224 00:07:58,150 --> 00:07:59,935 just twice the bones of a normal fish 225 00:07:59,978 --> 00:08:02,024 and a poisonous swim bladder. 226 00:08:02,067 --> 00:08:04,156 - And so you're hoping that this will catch on? 227 00:08:04,200 --> 00:08:07,159 - It can do everything an avocado used to do. 228 00:08:07,203 --> 00:08:10,032 Hey, Ana, help me mash these guys up, will you? 229 00:08:10,075 --> 00:08:11,337 Wait, you're not pregnant, right? 230 00:08:11,381 --> 00:08:12,643 - No. - All right, great, great. 231 00:08:12,687 --> 00:08:14,297 Mash, mash, mash. [laughs] 232 00:08:14,340 --> 00:08:16,560 - Wow, and it's, uh, green, just like guacamole. 233 00:08:16,604 --> 00:08:18,954 - Yup, now, eat it quick before it hardens. 234 00:08:18,997 --> 00:08:20,129 Mmm. 235 00:08:20,172 --> 00:08:21,783 [crunching] 236 00:08:21,826 --> 00:08:25,308 [groaning] 237 00:08:25,351 --> 00:08:27,919 Let's go to Chuck with the w-- Chuck with the weather. 238 00:08:27,963 --> 00:08:29,181 - No one named Chuck works here. 239 00:08:29,225 --> 00:08:30,922 - Just cut away. 240 00:08:30,966 --> 00:08:32,837 - We'll be right back. - [retches] 241 00:08:32,881 --> 00:08:36,101 - So now I'm gonna, like, bite 242 00:08:36,145 --> 00:08:38,974 these wet-ass pickles. [crunches] 243 00:08:39,017 --> 00:08:40,802 - How does Tommy fall asleep to this? 244 00:08:40,845 --> 00:08:42,238 This is not relaxing. 245 00:08:42,281 --> 00:08:45,633 I'm irritated and turned on and kind of hungry. 246 00:08:45,676 --> 00:08:46,808 - Et cetera. 247 00:08:46,851 --> 00:08:48,026 - Ugh! 248 00:08:48,070 --> 00:08:50,638 [sighs] 249 00:08:50,681 --> 00:08:52,161 [quirky music] 250 00:08:52,204 --> 00:08:55,033 Alexa, why can't I sleep? 251 00:08:55,077 --> 00:08:58,080 - According to Mayo Clinic, insomnia is usually caused 252 00:08:58,123 --> 00:09:01,518 by depression, stress, or anxiety, lack of exercise-- 253 00:09:01,562 --> 00:09:03,607 - Alexa, stop. 254 00:09:03,651 --> 00:09:04,739 Thank you. 255 00:09:06,479 --> 00:09:08,133 Alexa, 256 00:09:08,177 --> 00:09:09,831 call Scary McTinybird. 257 00:09:09,874 --> 00:09:12,137 - Calling Scary McTinybird's mobile. 258 00:09:12,181 --> 00:09:13,574 [line rings] 259 00:09:14,270 --> 00:09:17,273 [cell phone ringing] 260 00:09:18,535 --> 00:09:21,059 - Ms. Shaw, what a pleasant surprise. 261 00:09:21,103 --> 00:09:22,452 Unless this is a kidnapper 262 00:09:22,495 --> 00:09:24,541 using Ms. Shaw's telephone to demand a ransom, 263 00:09:24,585 --> 00:09:26,369 in which case, I will not negotiate. 264 00:09:26,412 --> 00:09:27,413 You can go ahead and kill her. 265 00:09:27,457 --> 00:09:29,372 - Um, no, no, it's me. 266 00:09:29,415 --> 00:09:31,548 Uh, I hope I'm not calling too late? 267 00:09:31,592 --> 00:09:33,376 - If it's city business, it's never too late. 268 00:09:33,419 --> 00:09:34,551 What can I do you for? 269 00:09:34,595 --> 00:09:37,119 - Well, I was thinking now that I have 270 00:09:37,162 --> 00:09:41,645 a baseline understanding of what a borings is, 271 00:09:41,689 --> 00:09:45,214 I was thinking you could go more in-depth? 272 00:09:45,257 --> 00:09:47,172 - Depth? [laughs] 273 00:09:47,216 --> 00:09:48,652 Borings are all about depth. 274 00:09:48,696 --> 00:09:51,046 Man, you are funny. 275 00:09:51,089 --> 00:09:52,395 Zing! 276 00:09:52,438 --> 00:09:56,921 Now, I wish you were here to see this soil sample, 277 00:09:56,965 --> 00:10:00,011 but I'll describe it to ya. 278 00:10:00,055 --> 00:10:01,360 Brown, 279 00:10:01,404 --> 00:10:03,580 light brown, dark brown. 280 00:10:03,624 --> 00:10:06,539 [gasps] The first brown again. 281 00:10:07,845 --> 00:10:09,804 - Oh. Hello, sir. 282 00:10:09,847 --> 00:10:11,240 Mrs. Baby Sir. 283 00:10:11,283 --> 00:10:12,850 - Orly's spending the day here. 284 00:10:12,894 --> 00:10:14,722 - Yeah, my school's closed 285 00:10:14,765 --> 00:10:17,594 'cause they ordered a bunch of avocado fish for the salad bar, 286 00:10:17,638 --> 00:10:19,422 but it turns out you can't transport them dead. 287 00:10:19,465 --> 00:10:20,815 - Because they harden. 288 00:10:20,858 --> 00:10:22,904 You know, the city's been very up-front about that. 289 00:10:22,947 --> 00:10:25,602 - Did the city know that they could crawl short distances? 290 00:10:25,646 --> 00:10:28,170 'Cause one of them got in the pool and laid eggs. 291 00:10:28,213 --> 00:10:32,130 - Fine, the avocado fish was a bad idea, okay? 292 00:10:34,089 --> 00:10:37,222 - This cannot be how you end your first 100 days, sir. 293 00:10:37,266 --> 00:10:38,571 - "Eel Bummer"? 294 00:10:38,615 --> 00:10:40,486 Inside, they did a really good job 295 00:10:40,530 --> 00:10:42,750 of photoshopping the creature from "Shape of Water"-- 296 00:10:42,793 --> 00:10:44,012 Oh, no. 297 00:10:44,055 --> 00:10:45,491 Oh, they made you the mute lady. 298 00:10:45,535 --> 00:10:47,406 Gosh, he is really giving it to you. 299 00:10:47,450 --> 00:10:48,625 - This is the kind of problem 300 00:10:48,669 --> 00:10:50,801 that I have been solving my entire life. 301 00:10:50,845 --> 00:10:54,283 I just don't know how to truck-drive my way out of this. 302 00:10:54,326 --> 00:10:56,546 - Oh, my God, what is that smell? 303 00:10:56,589 --> 00:10:59,375 - There are protesters outside throwing monkeyface eel. 304 00:10:59,418 --> 00:11:01,290 Fun fact: the avocado fish 305 00:11:01,333 --> 00:11:03,945 exclusively eats the feces of other fish. 306 00:11:03,988 --> 00:11:06,425 - Jayden, get Adolphus Hass on the phone. 307 00:11:06,469 --> 00:11:07,644 - Yeah, I think that's the right call, sir. 308 00:11:07,688 --> 00:11:09,385 We subsidize-- - Please leave. 309 00:11:09,428 --> 00:11:11,996 You smell like the bathroom at a ferry terminal. 310 00:11:12,040 --> 00:11:13,389 - I know, sir. I'm so sorry. 311 00:11:13,432 --> 00:11:15,565 ♪ 312 00:11:15,608 --> 00:11:17,567 - [gasps] 313 00:11:20,744 --> 00:11:20,918 . 314 00:11:20,962 --> 00:11:23,007 - Oh, Ms. Shaw? - [screams] 315 00:11:23,051 --> 00:11:25,096 - Do you have a moment? - Of course, always. 316 00:11:25,140 --> 00:11:26,707 - I don't know if you realized this, 317 00:11:26,750 --> 00:11:29,448 but you fell asleep last night while I was talking to you. 318 00:11:29,492 --> 00:11:30,623 - Me did? 319 00:11:30,667 --> 00:11:31,755 [scoffs] Are you sure? 320 00:11:31,799 --> 00:11:33,365 [snores] - Ms. Shaw? 321 00:11:33,409 --> 00:11:36,629 - No, Cardi B, don't hurt that pickle with your nails. 322 00:11:36,673 --> 00:11:39,154 It's a cucumber's baby. 323 00:11:39,197 --> 00:11:40,242 [farts] 324 00:11:40,285 --> 00:11:41,591 That was a chair. 325 00:11:41,634 --> 00:11:44,463 - It happens. Our bodies betray us sometimes. 326 00:11:44,507 --> 00:11:47,858 I pee a little when I laugh, so needless to say, 327 00:11:47,902 --> 00:11:50,382 I'm very concerned about this "Who's the Boss?" reboot. 328 00:11:50,426 --> 00:11:51,557 [chuckles] 329 00:11:51,601 --> 00:11:52,602 Anyway, maybe I need 330 00:11:52,645 --> 00:11:54,125 to tighten up my "presentache" 331 00:11:54,169 --> 00:11:55,866 before we take it to the mayor. 332 00:11:55,910 --> 00:11:58,173 From the pitch yesterday, what would you cut? 333 00:11:58,216 --> 00:12:02,264 - Oh, gosh, that's hard. It's so good. 334 00:12:02,307 --> 00:12:05,789 - Okay, well, what would you say I have to keep? 335 00:12:05,833 --> 00:12:10,794 - I really responded to... graph. 336 00:12:10,838 --> 00:12:12,753 - You narcoleptic skunk. 337 00:12:12,796 --> 00:12:14,363 You fell asleep yesterday too! 338 00:12:14,406 --> 00:12:15,668 - I know. I'm so sorry! 339 00:12:15,712 --> 00:12:17,235 I haven't been sleeping. Please don't hurt me. 340 00:12:17,279 --> 00:12:18,802 I'm your boss, but you can be boss. 341 00:12:18,846 --> 00:12:19,977 What do you want for lunch? 342 00:12:20,021 --> 00:12:22,327 Okay, get it over with. Just hit me. 343 00:12:22,371 --> 00:12:23,285 Oh. 344 00:12:26,723 --> 00:12:28,725 [upbeat music] 345 00:12:28,769 --> 00:12:30,814 Oh, no, what was that? 346 00:12:30,858 --> 00:12:32,381 That was so weird. 347 00:12:32,424 --> 00:12:34,818 What did it mean? [squeaks] 348 00:12:34,862 --> 00:12:35,819 ♪ 349 00:12:35,863 --> 00:12:37,168 [camera shutters clicking] 350 00:12:37,212 --> 00:12:39,170 - Well, if it isn't the man of the hour. 351 00:12:39,214 --> 00:12:41,216 - I just want to put this whole thing behind me. 352 00:12:41,259 --> 00:12:43,696 - Oh, said the farmer's daughter to the Bible salesman. 353 00:12:43,740 --> 00:12:44,828 [chuckles] Sorry 354 00:12:44,872 --> 00:12:46,482 for the constant folksiness. 355 00:12:46,525 --> 00:12:48,223 I think maybe I'm nostalgic 356 00:12:48,266 --> 00:12:50,312 for an America that never existed. 357 00:12:50,355 --> 00:12:52,053 - Okay, sorry, we're gonna have to move this truck. 358 00:12:52,096 --> 00:12:54,838 It's blocking the H in Hass Avocado Farms, 359 00:12:54,882 --> 00:12:57,101 so it, uh, looks like "Ass Avocado Farms." 360 00:12:57,145 --> 00:12:58,624 [laughs] - No, I can't move it. 361 00:12:58,668 --> 00:13:00,191 I had to lay off all my drivers. 362 00:13:00,235 --> 00:13:01,932 That poor truck's been there all week. 363 00:13:01,976 --> 00:13:03,325 - Well, I can move it. 364 00:13:03,368 --> 00:13:05,283 I've actually got a trucker's license. 365 00:13:05,327 --> 00:13:06,850 - Mm, triple threat: 366 00:13:06,894 --> 00:13:09,374 mayor, truck driver, 367 00:13:09,418 --> 00:13:12,290 and legs for days. 368 00:13:12,334 --> 00:13:13,901 - [exhales heavily] 369 00:13:13,944 --> 00:13:15,728 ♪ 370 00:13:15,772 --> 00:13:18,731 [electricity buzzing] 371 00:13:18,775 --> 00:13:24,389 ♪ 372 00:13:24,433 --> 00:13:28,132 I'm gonna have to put a hold on those funds, Adolphus. 373 00:13:28,176 --> 00:13:30,221 Something's come up. Right, Jayden? 374 00:13:30,265 --> 00:13:31,657 - Um, yes. 375 00:13:31,701 --> 00:13:34,443 Uh, there's been an accident, and the doctor said, 376 00:13:34,486 --> 00:13:37,402 "I can't operate on this boy. He's my son," 377 00:13:37,446 --> 00:13:40,928 because the doctor was a mommy! - Uh, who is this--oh, oh! 378 00:13:40,971 --> 00:13:43,495 - Wait! Wait! - Sir, what's going on? 379 00:13:43,539 --> 00:13:46,411 ♪ 380 00:13:46,455 --> 00:13:47,456 - [scoffs] 381 00:13:47,499 --> 00:13:51,373 ♪ 382 00:13:51,416 --> 00:13:52,504 Ms. Meskimen? 383 00:13:52,548 --> 00:13:54,245 I'm sorry to be calling so late, 384 00:13:54,289 --> 00:13:56,900 but I feel terrible about what happened today, 385 00:13:56,944 --> 00:13:59,381 and I also had a couple follow-up questions 386 00:13:59,424 --> 00:14:01,513 about the kiss of death that you gave me. 387 00:14:01,557 --> 00:14:03,559 - I thought I might hear from you tonight. 388 00:14:03,602 --> 00:14:04,865 Still can't sleep, huh? 389 00:14:04,908 --> 00:14:06,388 "We need to get to the root of this," 390 00:14:06,431 --> 00:14:08,216 said the endangered California vole. 391 00:14:08,259 --> 00:14:09,652 - [chuckles] Is that a joke, 392 00:14:09,695 --> 00:14:11,001 or did he really say that? 393 00:14:11,045 --> 00:14:12,481 I'm so tired. 394 00:14:12,524 --> 00:14:15,571 - I know what kept me up at night when I was your age. 395 00:14:15,614 --> 00:14:18,704 It was a little something called impostor syndrome. 396 00:14:18,748 --> 00:14:20,924 Men are immune to it, 397 00:14:20,968 --> 00:14:23,057 but it's got a taste for skirts. 398 00:14:23,100 --> 00:14:24,928 It's that feeling that you're in over your head 399 00:14:24,972 --> 00:14:26,451 and that everyone knows, 400 00:14:26,495 --> 00:14:29,150 and every time someone mistakes you for an intern 401 00:14:29,193 --> 00:14:31,456 or leaves you off an email chain 402 00:14:31,500 --> 00:14:32,980 about entering through the garage 403 00:14:33,023 --> 00:14:34,938 to avoid getting eel thrown at you, 404 00:14:34,982 --> 00:14:36,679 that feeling grows, 405 00:14:36,722 --> 00:14:39,900 that feeling that you don't deserve to be here. 406 00:14:39,943 --> 00:14:41,553 It adds up, right? 407 00:14:41,597 --> 00:14:43,991 I mean, what were your jobs before this? 408 00:14:44,034 --> 00:14:45,557 According to LinkedIn, 409 00:14:45,601 --> 00:14:47,995 you were a vibe coordinator at The Wing. 410 00:14:48,038 --> 00:14:49,474 - Uh... - And what the hell 411 00:14:49,518 --> 00:14:51,172 is the Fyre Festival? 412 00:14:51,215 --> 00:14:52,956 - It would have worked if Blink-182 413 00:14:53,000 --> 00:14:54,349 had gotten on the plane. 414 00:14:54,392 --> 00:14:56,481 - I think we both know you don't believe that. 415 00:14:56,525 --> 00:14:59,136 Anyway, impostor syndrome, that's your problem. 416 00:14:59,180 --> 00:15:01,660 Sweet dreams. [phone beeps] 417 00:15:01,704 --> 00:15:02,966 - Oh. 418 00:15:04,185 --> 00:15:05,577 [pool balls clatter] 419 00:15:05,621 --> 00:15:08,667 [country guitar music playing over speakers] 420 00:15:08,711 --> 00:15:10,408 ♪ 421 00:15:10,452 --> 00:15:12,236 - Now will you tell me why we're here? 422 00:15:12,280 --> 00:15:14,238 - I tried to tell you in the car, Jayden, 423 00:15:14,282 --> 00:15:16,327 but you wouldn't stop singing along with the radio. 424 00:15:16,371 --> 00:15:18,677 - Well, because Mandy Moore has found her voice, sir. 425 00:15:18,721 --> 00:15:19,940 - All right. 426 00:15:19,983 --> 00:15:21,767 This is the closest bar to Hass Farms 427 00:15:21,811 --> 00:15:23,160 that doesn't sell wine. 428 00:15:23,204 --> 00:15:24,640 We're looking for truck drivers, 429 00:15:24,683 --> 00:15:28,470 anyone with a Local 63 hat or a tramp stamp. 430 00:15:28,513 --> 00:15:31,777 ♪ 431 00:15:31,821 --> 00:15:33,910 Jackpot. 432 00:15:33,954 --> 00:15:35,999 Excuse me, fellas, uh, sorry. 433 00:15:36,043 --> 00:15:37,566 Are you guys long haul or local? 434 00:15:37,609 --> 00:15:39,829 - Honk, honk, beep, beep. Am I right, guys? 435 00:15:39,872 --> 00:15:41,483 - Uh, sorry. What were you saying? 436 00:15:41,526 --> 00:15:44,007 - We all drive for big farms in Simi Valley. 437 00:15:44,051 --> 00:15:45,487 I'm with Hass. 438 00:15:45,530 --> 00:15:46,618 - Really? - Yeah. 439 00:15:46,662 --> 00:15:49,839 - Well, I'm, uh, Local 848, Long Beach. 440 00:15:49,882 --> 00:15:52,102 [laughter] - A city boy. 441 00:15:52,146 --> 00:15:55,018 - Hey, city man, okay? Just look at him. 442 00:15:55,062 --> 00:15:56,280 - Let me buy you guys a round. 443 00:15:56,324 --> 00:15:57,847 You want four beers? - No, no. 444 00:15:57,890 --> 00:15:59,762 Just seltzer for me. Thank you. 445 00:15:59,805 --> 00:16:00,763 - Really? - Yeah. 446 00:16:00,806 --> 00:16:02,112 - Are you driving late? 447 00:16:02,156 --> 00:16:03,548 - Oh, maybe he's pregnant, sir. 448 00:16:03,592 --> 00:16:05,768 - Well, I'm not supposed to talk about it, 449 00:16:05,811 --> 00:16:07,422 but driver to driver... 450 00:16:07,465 --> 00:16:10,077 ♪ 451 00:16:11,600 --> 00:16:11,774 . 452 00:16:11,817 --> 00:16:14,037 [soft music] 453 00:16:14,081 --> 00:16:16,474 - So how was the rest of your night? 454 00:16:16,518 --> 00:16:18,476 - Not great, Arpi. - Poor thing. 455 00:16:18,520 --> 00:16:21,044 Me, I slept like a baby: 456 00:16:21,088 --> 00:16:23,742 butt in the air, belly full of milk. 457 00:16:23,786 --> 00:16:26,006 Sleep deprivation's a form of torture, you know? 458 00:16:26,049 --> 00:16:28,051 That's why you see so many new mothers 459 00:16:28,095 --> 00:16:30,010 weeping in the Whole Foods parking lot. 460 00:16:31,794 --> 00:16:33,230 - I'll get that later. 461 00:16:33,274 --> 00:16:34,971 - So would you like to sleep? 462 00:16:35,015 --> 00:16:37,582 - Yes! Please, I'll do anything! 463 00:16:37,626 --> 00:16:39,149 What do you want? Money, drugs? 464 00:16:39,193 --> 00:16:40,411 I'll give you a piggyback ride. 465 00:16:40,455 --> 00:16:42,152 - Okay, I'll quit torturing you. 466 00:16:42,196 --> 00:16:43,719 In fact, 467 00:16:43,762 --> 00:16:45,764 I'll call you every night and bore you to sleep. 468 00:16:45,808 --> 00:16:49,638 I'll be your own personal little Lunesta insect. 469 00:16:49,681 --> 00:16:52,336 But first, I do need something from you. 470 00:16:52,380 --> 00:16:54,643 - You want a kid? My sister's got two! 471 00:16:54,686 --> 00:16:56,645 One has blue eyes. How does that sound? 472 00:16:56,688 --> 00:16:58,429 - You said you'd listen to my presentation, 473 00:16:58,473 --> 00:16:59,865 and that's what you're gonna do. 474 00:16:59,909 --> 00:17:03,608 - Oh. - Without falling asleep. 475 00:17:03,652 --> 00:17:07,656 Borings, they are anything but. 476 00:17:08,918 --> 00:17:10,746 - Neil. [both chuckle] 477 00:17:10,789 --> 00:17:12,530 Oh, I'm so glad you called. 478 00:17:12,574 --> 00:17:14,054 When you skedaddled like that yesterday, 479 00:17:14,097 --> 00:17:16,186 I thought maybe our deal was off. 480 00:17:16,230 --> 00:17:17,492 - Get in here. Sit down. 481 00:17:17,535 --> 00:17:18,536 - [chuckles] Thank you. 482 00:17:18,580 --> 00:17:20,756 - So yesterday, 483 00:17:20,799 --> 00:17:23,541 you said your trucks hadn't gone out all week. 484 00:17:24,673 --> 00:17:26,718 - Or are they? 485 00:17:26,762 --> 00:17:29,069 - See... [electricity buzzing] 486 00:17:29,112 --> 00:17:31,462 When I went out to move that truck, 487 00:17:31,506 --> 00:17:33,943 the headlights were on. 488 00:17:33,986 --> 00:17:37,077 The lights were on, and the battery wasn't dead. 489 00:17:37,120 --> 00:17:40,471 That truck had been driven recently, at night. 490 00:17:40,515 --> 00:17:42,821 - Ah. What's that supposed to prove? 491 00:17:42,865 --> 00:17:44,301 I'm only fidgeting like this 492 00:17:44,345 --> 00:17:46,042 because of my oversized genitals. 493 00:17:46,086 --> 00:17:48,218 - So I talked to one of your drivers. 494 00:17:48,262 --> 00:17:50,394 - You must be mistaken. I don't have any drivers. 495 00:17:50,438 --> 00:17:51,743 I had to lay them off. 496 00:17:51,787 --> 00:17:53,484 - I was confused, too, until I went out 497 00:17:53,528 --> 00:17:55,617 to your warehouse in Santa Clarita, 498 00:17:55,660 --> 00:17:57,967 and while Jayden distracted the dog... 499 00:17:58,010 --> 00:18:01,101 - With kisses. - Guess what I found in there. 500 00:18:02,058 --> 00:18:03,625 'Cados. 501 00:18:03,668 --> 00:18:05,453 Whole warehouse full of 'em. 502 00:18:05,496 --> 00:18:07,977 That drought didn't ruin your harvest. 503 00:18:08,020 --> 00:18:10,588 It was just an excuse for you to stockpile avocados 504 00:18:10,632 --> 00:18:11,981 to drive the prices up 505 00:18:12,024 --> 00:18:15,419 while you took a handout from my taxpayers. 506 00:18:15,463 --> 00:18:16,899 You weren't gonna ship in any water. 507 00:18:16,942 --> 00:18:19,293 You were just gonna ship that money to your own pocket. 508 00:18:19,336 --> 00:18:21,295 - Oh, snap. 509 00:18:21,338 --> 00:18:23,427 - Yeah, and you almost got away with it too. 510 00:18:23,471 --> 00:18:28,737 - Except I'm still holding all the cards, Mr. Mayor. 511 00:18:28,780 --> 00:18:31,740 You can't afford for the shortage to go on much longer. 512 00:18:31,783 --> 00:18:35,135 Your own staff said you need some positive press, 513 00:18:35,178 --> 00:18:37,528 so you need me. 514 00:18:37,572 --> 00:18:39,835 Tick-o-tockety, friend. 515 00:18:39,878 --> 00:18:41,489 - Wait, is that supposed to be a clock? 516 00:18:41,532 --> 00:18:44,796 - Tick-o-tockety for you. 517 00:18:44,840 --> 00:18:46,233 Give that guy a squeeze. 518 00:18:48,235 --> 00:18:49,758 - It's not hard! 519 00:18:49,801 --> 00:18:51,238 They're ripening too early! 520 00:18:51,281 --> 00:18:53,327 - I think that the City of Los Angeles 521 00:18:53,370 --> 00:18:54,850 will keep its money, 522 00:18:54,893 --> 00:18:57,200 'cause if you don't get those avocados on the street, 523 00:18:57,244 --> 00:18:58,636 you're toast. 524 00:18:58,680 --> 00:19:00,203 Plain toast. 525 00:19:00,247 --> 00:19:01,204 - You son of a bitch! 526 00:19:01,248 --> 00:19:03,293 - Now, get out of here. 527 00:19:03,337 --> 00:19:05,252 We don't have time for you! 528 00:19:05,295 --> 00:19:07,167 - [laughs] 529 00:19:07,210 --> 00:19:10,126 [triumphant music] 530 00:19:10,170 --> 00:19:11,171 ♪ 531 00:19:11,214 --> 00:19:13,042 You okay? - Mm-hmm. 532 00:19:13,085 --> 00:19:14,696 I got scared when he threw the-- 533 00:19:14,739 --> 00:19:17,264 - Which brings us to the end. 534 00:19:17,307 --> 00:19:18,656 So what do you say? 535 00:19:18,700 --> 00:19:20,745 Take it to the mayor for real? 536 00:19:20,789 --> 00:19:23,139 - Absolutely not. 537 00:19:23,183 --> 00:19:24,445 - I'm sorry, what? 538 00:19:24,488 --> 00:19:26,838 - Arpi, if we deprivatize the borings process, 539 00:19:26,882 --> 00:19:29,232 there may be a period of time where we can't guarantee 540 00:19:29,276 --> 00:19:31,713 the safety of LA's drinking water? 541 00:19:31,756 --> 00:19:34,194 - 24 hours max, people can stockpile. 542 00:19:34,237 --> 00:19:35,412 Fill bathtubs. 543 00:19:35,456 --> 00:19:37,240 - You can't mess with people's water, Arpi. 544 00:19:37,284 --> 00:19:39,590 When I was hydration czar for the Fyre Festival, 545 00:19:39,634 --> 00:19:41,244 it went sideways fast. 546 00:19:41,288 --> 00:19:43,246 Billy McFarland hired Adriana Lima 547 00:19:43,290 --> 00:19:46,162 to captain the Evian boat, and she sank it, 548 00:19:46,206 --> 00:19:48,730 and then 20,000 stoned idiots panicked 549 00:19:48,773 --> 00:19:50,253 and started drinking salt water. 550 00:19:50,297 --> 00:19:51,689 You should just watch the documentary. 551 00:19:51,733 --> 00:19:52,995 I look so thin. 552 00:19:53,038 --> 00:19:54,736 And that took place on a mountain of guano 553 00:19:54,779 --> 00:19:56,128 in the middle of the ocean, 554 00:19:56,172 --> 00:20:00,655 but LA is a desert with 3 million stoned idiots. 555 00:20:00,698 --> 00:20:01,917 We do not want to be 556 00:20:01,960 --> 00:20:03,397 the Billy McFarlands of Los Angeles, 557 00:20:03,440 --> 00:20:06,138 so it's a hard no, Arpi. 558 00:20:07,401 --> 00:20:08,532 - Huh. 559 00:20:08,576 --> 00:20:11,100 Well, obviously, I'm disappointed, but... 560 00:20:11,143 --> 00:20:13,145 you seem to know what you're talking about. 561 00:20:13,189 --> 00:20:14,799 - Oh, I do. 562 00:20:14,843 --> 00:20:16,714 You mess up water, next thing you know, 563 00:20:16,758 --> 00:20:18,325 some trust fund douche named Preston 564 00:20:18,368 --> 00:20:21,458 is pulling turtles apart to get their liquid. 565 00:20:21,502 --> 00:20:23,330 - Hard to argue with that. 566 00:20:23,373 --> 00:20:24,418 - [sighs] - Very good. 567 00:20:24,461 --> 00:20:25,941 Thank you for your time. 568 00:20:25,984 --> 00:20:28,726 Would you like me to put you to sleep tonight? 569 00:20:28,770 --> 00:20:31,294 - I think I'm gonna be all right. 570 00:20:31,338 --> 00:20:32,687 I'm feeling-- 571 00:20:32,730 --> 00:20:35,298 - Like you're the real deal and not an impostor. 572 00:20:35,342 --> 00:20:36,430 Good for you. 573 00:20:36,473 --> 00:20:38,040 [bright music] 574 00:20:38,083 --> 00:20:39,998 - I'm not an intern! - I know. 575 00:20:40,042 --> 00:20:42,044 I was bringing you a goldfish to apologize. 576 00:20:42,087 --> 00:20:44,220 - Oh, my God, I'm so sorry. 577 00:20:44,264 --> 00:20:45,787 Oh, no. 578 00:20:45,830 --> 00:20:47,223 - Avocados are back on the shelves, 579 00:20:47,267 --> 00:20:49,312 and Angelinos are back to being happy. 580 00:20:49,356 --> 00:20:50,531 On the outside. 581 00:20:50,574 --> 00:20:52,750 - I just want to thank Mayor Bremer. 582 00:20:52,794 --> 00:20:54,796 Now my baby's back on keto. 583 00:20:54,839 --> 00:20:57,277 I know, this is three months postpartum? 584 00:20:57,320 --> 00:20:59,017 - Well, there's always a solution, Tommy. 585 00:20:59,061 --> 00:21:01,324 - Solution. That reminds me. 586 00:21:01,368 --> 00:21:02,891 I have to go flush out my dog bites. 587 00:21:02,934 --> 00:21:04,893 - We're joined now live by the mayor's chief of staff, 588 00:21:04,936 --> 00:21:06,242 Mikaela Shaw, who, uh-- 589 00:21:06,286 --> 00:21:09,376 - [snores] - Ms. Shaw? 590 00:21:09,419 --> 00:21:12,204 - Harry Potter, take me to the ball? 591 00:21:12,248 --> 00:21:13,641 'Bout Cho Chang? 592 00:21:13,684 --> 00:21:15,207 - Ms. Shaw? - Whatever. 593 00:21:15,251 --> 00:21:16,383 I'll boogie. 594 00:21:16,426 --> 00:21:17,949 ♪ 595 00:21:17,993 --> 00:21:19,299 - Ms. Shaw? 596 00:21:19,342 --> 00:21:21,518 - [whispering] No further questions. 597 00:21:21,562 --> 00:21:23,259 - [snores] [farts] 598 00:21:23,303 --> 00:21:25,305 - Good night, everybody! - Good night!