1 00:00:03,720 --> 00:00:04,068 . 2 00:00:04,112 --> 00:00:06,027 [funky music] - It's "Mayor Chat" 3 00:00:06,070 --> 00:00:07,419 with your hosts, Chet Danville 4 00:00:07,463 --> 00:00:09,421 and Grover Sepulveda. 5 00:00:09,465 --> 00:00:10,901 - It's 4:00 a.m., Monday morning. 6 00:00:10,944 --> 00:00:12,163 I'm Chet Danville. 7 00:00:12,207 --> 00:00:14,513 Grover Sepulveda died in 2003. 8 00:00:14,557 --> 00:00:16,298 Joining us today to talk about his push 9 00:00:16,341 --> 00:00:17,734 for dedicated bus lanes, 10 00:00:17,777 --> 00:00:20,606 the 43rd mayor of L.A., the Honorable Neil Bremer. 11 00:00:20,650 --> 00:00:22,347 - Thanks, Chet. Why is this live? 12 00:00:22,391 --> 00:00:24,871 - Also joining us is the 42nd mayor of L.A., 13 00:00:24,915 --> 00:00:26,221 Victor Delgado. 14 00:00:26,264 --> 00:00:28,397 - My God. I didn't recognize you. 15 00:00:28,440 --> 00:00:31,704 I--I thought you were an animal expert or something. 16 00:00:31,748 --> 00:00:35,099 - No, more like Princess is an expert on me. 17 00:00:35,143 --> 00:00:37,101 - So what have you been doing since you left office, Vic? 18 00:00:37,145 --> 00:00:39,538 - Self-care, Chet. I've been meditating. 19 00:00:39,582 --> 00:00:41,627 I took a Zoom break, so I wanted to come on 20 00:00:41,671 --> 00:00:44,108 and let all my fellow Angelenos know 21 00:00:44,152 --> 00:00:45,892 that Victor Delgado is... 22 00:00:45,936 --> 00:00:47,503 almost back to normal. 23 00:00:47,546 --> 00:00:49,070 - Oh, that's so good to hear. 24 00:00:49,113 --> 00:00:51,507 You served during such a difficult time. 25 00:00:51,550 --> 00:00:53,117 - [harshly] Oh, did I? 26 00:00:53,161 --> 00:00:55,293 Thanks, 'cause I forgot 27 00:00:55,337 --> 00:00:57,382 about when that lady in Playa del Rey shot me 28 00:00:57,426 --> 00:00:59,428 with a BB gun for handing out masks. 29 00:00:59,471 --> 00:01:00,864 The last time I was on this show, 30 00:01:00,907 --> 00:01:03,214 I was begging people not to drink bleach! 31 00:01:03,258 --> 00:01:05,260 - Or do drink it, but in moderation. 32 00:01:05,303 --> 00:01:06,478 - I know it's a tough job, but-- 33 00:01:06,522 --> 00:01:08,306 - Do you? What have you done? 34 00:01:08,350 --> 00:01:11,135 A straw ban and some scooter helmets? 35 00:01:11,179 --> 00:01:13,137 - And eventually, a bus lane. 36 00:01:13,181 --> 00:01:14,399 And that's cool! 37 00:01:14,443 --> 00:01:16,314 Rock bands ride in buses. 38 00:01:16,358 --> 00:01:18,055 - Uh-huh, and how are you gonna pay for that? 39 00:01:18,099 --> 00:01:19,143 The city's broke. 40 00:01:19,187 --> 00:01:21,406 - Chet, I-I think your viewers-- 41 00:01:21,450 --> 00:01:22,973 - Viewer, singular. Helen got Netflix. 42 00:01:23,016 --> 00:01:24,627 - Uh, my point is that 43 00:01:24,670 --> 00:01:27,108 the bus lane will get paid for. 44 00:01:27,151 --> 00:01:30,981 If anyone knows how to work a budget, it is me, Neil-- 45 00:01:31,024 --> 00:01:32,765 - It's now 4:02 and that means we're out of time. 46 00:01:32,809 --> 00:01:35,681 Thanks for watching, Steve. Up next, static. 47 00:01:35,725 --> 00:01:38,641 [bright music] 48 00:01:38,684 --> 00:01:44,647 ♪ 49 00:01:44,690 --> 00:01:46,170 [elevator dings] 50 00:01:46,214 --> 00:01:47,824 - Hey. 51 00:01:47,867 --> 00:01:48,999 - What are you doing here? 52 00:01:49,042 --> 00:01:51,132 - School's closed. - Closed? For what? 53 00:01:51,175 --> 00:01:52,437 - There was an accident. 54 00:01:52,481 --> 00:01:54,570 Did you not see the official school TikTok? 55 00:01:54,613 --> 00:01:56,746 Some palm tree branches fell and knocked a girl unconscious. 56 00:01:56,789 --> 00:01:58,617 - ♪ Down south, hood baby 57 00:01:58,661 --> 00:02:00,880 ♪ Hood baby make all the girls go crazy ♪ 58 00:02:00,924 --> 00:02:02,578 ♪ Go, go, go 59 00:02:02,621 --> 00:02:04,449 -This is how they disseminate important information? 60 00:02:04,493 --> 00:02:07,235 - L.A. is a damn hellscape, 61 00:02:07,278 --> 00:02:09,933 and I am not to blame. 62 00:02:09,976 --> 00:02:13,110 - What--see, those palm trees need to be maintained. 63 00:02:13,154 --> 00:02:14,894 What is her plan to rectify this? 64 00:02:14,938 --> 00:02:17,549 That's what I wanna know. - Um, let me see. 65 00:02:17,593 --> 00:02:20,509 - These palm trees are on city property. 66 00:02:20,552 --> 00:02:23,207 So to everyone attacking me, 67 00:02:23,251 --> 00:02:25,253 um, let's think. 68 00:02:25,296 --> 00:02:28,212 Whose responsibility is this, really? 69 00:02:28,256 --> 00:02:29,822 Uh--oh. 70 00:02:29,866 --> 00:02:32,999 If only someone from the Gregory community 71 00:02:33,043 --> 00:02:34,479 worked for the city. 72 00:02:34,523 --> 00:02:36,307 - Is she talking about me? 73 00:02:36,351 --> 00:02:37,482 - Oh, sarcasm. 74 00:02:37,526 --> 00:02:39,180 What the ancient Greeks called 75 00:02:39,223 --> 00:02:42,400 "dígma orgizménu adrós estí," 76 00:02:42,444 --> 00:02:44,576 the bite of the sassy man. 77 00:02:44,620 --> 00:02:46,448 [mischievous music] 78 00:02:46,491 --> 00:02:48,232 - Give me a break, L.A. 79 00:02:48,276 --> 00:02:49,799 ♪ 80 00:02:49,842 --> 00:02:51,757 Hey, Tommy, how much do we spend 81 00:02:51,801 --> 00:02:54,195 to take care of the city's palm trees? 82 00:02:54,238 --> 00:02:55,892 - Oh, uh-- 83 00:02:55,935 --> 00:02:57,372 - $50 million a year, sir. 84 00:02:57,415 --> 00:02:58,851 - 50? Do you have any idea 85 00:02:58,895 --> 00:03:01,506 how many miles of bus lane I could buy with that? 86 00:03:01,550 --> 00:03:03,508 A bunch, I'll bet. 87 00:03:03,552 --> 00:03:05,293 - Sir, I have been trying to call attention 88 00:03:05,336 --> 00:03:07,686 to this topic for years! 89 00:03:07,730 --> 00:03:10,472 Palm trees are not even supposed to be here. 90 00:03:10,515 --> 00:03:11,995 Most of them were planted 91 00:03:12,038 --> 00:03:14,650 for the 1932 Olympics to trick people 92 00:03:14,693 --> 00:03:18,044 into thinking L.A. wasn't a waterless scorpion graveyard. 93 00:03:18,088 --> 00:03:20,699 - So palm trees are expensive, dangerous, 94 00:03:20,743 --> 00:03:22,353 and they shouldn't be here in the first place. 95 00:03:22,397 --> 00:03:24,573 - Like an NFL franchise, sir. 96 00:03:24,616 --> 00:03:28,664 They get tax breaks to build a $5 billion stadium, 97 00:03:28,707 --> 00:03:30,883 but we can't afford housing for the homeless? 98 00:03:30,927 --> 00:03:32,668 Wait. 99 00:03:32,711 --> 00:03:34,147 What was I furious about before? 100 00:03:34,191 --> 00:03:36,106 Eh, it was good. - Palm trees, Arpi. 101 00:03:36,149 --> 00:03:38,978 - Yes! Here's what we do. 102 00:03:39,022 --> 00:03:41,546 Hire the homeless to cut down all the palm trees 103 00:03:41,590 --> 00:03:43,026 and dump them in the stadium. 104 00:03:43,069 --> 00:03:44,419 - We're not chopping them down, 105 00:03:44,462 --> 00:03:46,638 but the city should be able to share the cost. 106 00:03:46,682 --> 00:03:49,859 - Wow. Bold stand, sir. 107 00:03:49,902 --> 00:03:51,077 I'm being sarcastic, 108 00:03:51,121 --> 00:03:52,557 but not when I said I'm being sarcastic. 109 00:03:52,601 --> 00:03:54,951 That was dead serious. - All right. 110 00:03:54,994 --> 00:03:56,039 Good morning. 111 00:03:56,082 --> 00:03:58,433 New agenda item--palm trees. 112 00:03:58,476 --> 00:04:00,261 - Can we replace them all with signs that say 113 00:04:00,304 --> 00:04:02,306 "we are the virus"? - Okay. 114 00:04:02,350 --> 00:04:03,786 First on the agenda, 115 00:04:03,829 --> 00:04:06,397 someone wrote "Jayden's big announcement" on here. 116 00:04:06,441 --> 00:04:09,400 - I'm gonna be a father! 117 00:04:09,444 --> 00:04:11,533 - Oh, you mean like a Catholic priest? 118 00:04:11,576 --> 00:04:13,056 - Oh, that makes sense. - Oh, now I get it. 119 00:04:13,099 --> 00:04:14,536 Celibacy. - No! 120 00:04:14,579 --> 00:04:18,235 I mean a daddy of a baby! [laughs] 121 00:04:18,279 --> 00:04:20,106 - Oh. 122 00:04:20,150 --> 00:04:21,543 Wow. Uh... 123 00:04:21,586 --> 00:04:24,110 who's the lucky-- well, the lady? 124 00:04:24,154 --> 00:04:25,634 - We met at L.A. Comic-Con. 125 00:04:25,677 --> 00:04:28,332 She was working the DC booth dressed as Talia al Ghul. 126 00:04:28,376 --> 00:04:29,899 I was in my Aquaman costume, 127 00:04:29,942 --> 00:04:32,902 so the allure of the forbidden was in the air. 128 00:04:32,945 --> 00:04:35,339 - Well, uh, Jayden, this is wonderful news. 129 00:04:35,383 --> 00:04:37,950 I'm sure that...Samanthee? 130 00:04:37,994 --> 00:04:40,388 Samanthee will make a terrific mom. 131 00:04:40,431 --> 00:04:41,911 - Yeah! Totally! 132 00:04:41,954 --> 00:04:43,695 She already has all her makeup tattooed on 133 00:04:43,739 --> 00:04:46,176 so she won't have to waste any mommy time on that. 134 00:04:46,219 --> 00:04:47,960 [cackles] Also, 135 00:04:48,004 --> 00:04:50,136 you're all invited to the baby shower this afternoon. 136 00:04:50,180 --> 00:04:52,617 I don't wanna impose a gender, so the cake will be gray. 137 00:04:52,661 --> 00:04:55,228 - Okay, moving on. Item two, 138 00:04:55,272 --> 00:04:57,143 "everyone hugs Jayden"? 139 00:04:57,187 --> 00:04:59,102 - Absolutely not. - No, we're not doing that. 140 00:04:59,145 --> 00:05:00,843 - You always leave a stain on my shirt. 141 00:05:00,886 --> 00:05:03,933 - There's only one thing I like less than workplace hugs, 142 00:05:03,976 --> 00:05:05,935 and that's not following the agenda. 143 00:05:05,978 --> 00:05:07,545 ♪ 144 00:05:09,591 --> 00:05:09,982 . 145 00:05:10,026 --> 00:05:12,202 [Lil Massive's "Renegade" playing] 146 00:05:12,245 --> 00:05:14,552 - ♪ Renegade, renegade, renegade ♪ 147 00:05:14,596 --> 00:05:16,598 - ♪ Let's go 148 00:05:16,641 --> 00:05:19,296 ♪ Go, go, go, go, go 149 00:05:19,340 --> 00:05:21,777 ♪ Ooh, go, go, go 150 00:05:21,820 --> 00:05:24,127 ♪ Yeah, go, go, go 151 00:05:24,170 --> 00:05:26,216 - L.A. is a damn hellscape, 152 00:05:26,259 --> 00:05:28,436 and I am not to blame. 153 00:05:28,479 --> 00:05:30,829 - Are you sure people are gonna understand that? 154 00:05:30,873 --> 00:05:32,396 There's a lot going on. 155 00:05:32,440 --> 00:05:35,007 - Well, it is trending under "dad bod fail." 156 00:05:35,051 --> 00:05:36,748 [knocking on door] 157 00:05:36,792 --> 00:05:39,360 - Sir, Victoria Santos from the Chamber of Commerce is calling. 158 00:05:39,403 --> 00:05:41,797 - Ah, thank you. I should take this. 159 00:05:41,840 --> 00:05:43,146 Ms. Santos. 160 00:05:43,189 --> 00:05:45,191 - Mr. Mayor, if you're gonna screw me like this, 161 00:05:45,235 --> 00:05:46,454 at least buy me dinner first. 162 00:05:46,497 --> 00:05:47,933 Then, get my husband out of the house 163 00:05:47,977 --> 00:05:49,631 and put on a movie for my kids, 164 00:05:49,674 --> 00:05:51,459 one they can all agree on, 165 00:05:51,502 --> 00:05:52,808 so good luck with that. 166 00:05:52,851 --> 00:05:54,200 - Vicki, if this is about the TikTok, 167 00:05:54,244 --> 00:05:57,247 I hate it too, but we do have a problem here. 168 00:05:57,290 --> 00:05:59,423 - Yeah, you're trying to take away our palm trees. 169 00:05:59,467 --> 00:06:01,164 - No, no, no one's trying to take away-- 170 00:06:01,207 --> 00:06:02,992 - Palm trees symbolize this city! 171 00:06:03,035 --> 00:06:04,646 We have countless local businesses 172 00:06:04,689 --> 00:06:06,299 with "palm" in their names. 173 00:06:06,343 --> 00:06:08,214 - Look, those trees are a menace, 174 00:06:08,258 --> 00:06:10,216 but I have to pay $50 million a year 175 00:06:10,260 --> 00:06:11,566 to keep them here. 176 00:06:11,609 --> 00:06:12,915 So if your buddies want them, 177 00:06:12,958 --> 00:06:14,830 they gotta pay to maintain them. 178 00:06:14,873 --> 00:06:16,179 - They'll never go for that. 179 00:06:16,222 --> 00:06:17,572 - Bring them in. Bring them all in. 180 00:06:17,615 --> 00:06:19,530 Let's have a meeting. - Your funeral. 181 00:06:19,574 --> 00:06:22,359 - We'll be at the 18th hole of the Brentwood Country Club. 182 00:06:22,403 --> 00:06:24,666 They're gonna use my ashes to make a golf ball, 183 00:06:24,709 --> 00:06:27,408 and Phil Mickelson's gonna hit a drive at sunset. 184 00:06:27,451 --> 00:06:29,235 This will be nothing like that. 185 00:06:30,933 --> 00:06:32,195 - Sir, somebody changed the password 186 00:06:32,238 --> 00:06:33,457 to the city's TikTok account. 187 00:06:33,501 --> 00:06:36,329 - Where are you getting the costumes? 188 00:06:39,507 --> 00:06:41,683 - Okay, there's no way that guy's 189 00:06:41,726 --> 00:06:43,380 actually gonna be a father. 190 00:06:43,424 --> 00:06:45,904 - Wait, do you not believe Samanthee, a fellow woman? 191 00:06:45,948 --> 00:06:47,253 - Oh. - Hey. 192 00:06:47,297 --> 00:06:49,952 Do one of you guys have, like, a coat hanger? 193 00:06:49,995 --> 00:06:51,344 Or hands? 194 00:06:51,388 --> 00:06:54,391 - So, Jayden, have you and Samanthee 195 00:06:54,435 --> 00:06:58,090 discussed the, um, legalities of your situation? 196 00:06:58,134 --> 00:07:00,353 - Oh, well, I offered to marry her, 197 00:07:00,397 --> 00:07:01,964 obviously, but she didn't wanna-- 198 00:07:02,007 --> 00:07:03,313 [off-key] ♪ Put a ring on it 199 00:07:03,356 --> 00:07:04,923 - That is not how that song goes. 200 00:07:04,967 --> 00:07:06,055 - What song? Anyway, 201 00:07:06,098 --> 00:07:07,230 I'm fine with whatever she wants. 202 00:07:07,273 --> 00:07:08,927 I'm just so psyched to be a dad, 203 00:07:08,971 --> 00:07:10,799 you know, like my hero, my dad. 204 00:07:10,842 --> 00:07:11,974 - But there are some real things 205 00:07:12,017 --> 00:07:13,323 that you guys need to work out. 206 00:07:13,366 --> 00:07:15,064 Like what about visitation? 207 00:07:15,107 --> 00:07:17,283 Or, um, grandparents' rights to see the kid? 208 00:07:17,327 --> 00:07:19,634 - Oh, my grandparents are either all dead or estranged. 209 00:07:19,677 --> 00:07:20,939 - No, he means your parents. 210 00:07:20,983 --> 00:07:22,375 - My parents can see me whenever they want, 211 00:07:22,419 --> 00:07:23,942 just not together. - Oh, boy. 212 00:07:23,986 --> 00:07:25,944 Um, Jayden, you need to get a lawyer. 213 00:07:25,988 --> 00:07:27,380 - Okay, well, you're a lawyer, right? 214 00:07:27,424 --> 00:07:28,730 - Well, I-- - Yes! 215 00:07:28,773 --> 00:07:29,992 Tommy would be happy to help 216 00:07:30,035 --> 00:07:31,907 because maybe Samanthee could come by 217 00:07:31,950 --> 00:07:33,691 and we could meet Samanthee. 218 00:07:33,735 --> 00:07:35,998 Get a sense of her deal, 219 00:07:36,041 --> 00:07:37,390 maybe play two truths and a lie. 220 00:07:37,434 --> 00:07:40,872 - Yes, that is a very good idea. 221 00:07:40,916 --> 00:07:42,483 - Game night! I'll text Samanthee 222 00:07:42,526 --> 00:07:44,354 and see if she can get time off from the hospital tonight. 223 00:07:44,397 --> 00:07:45,877 She gives blood, like, every day. 224 00:07:45,921 --> 00:07:48,880 [comical music] 225 00:07:48,924 --> 00:07:50,186 ♪ 226 00:07:50,229 --> 00:07:51,883 - Following up on the palm trees, sir. 227 00:07:51,927 --> 00:07:55,017 I found a guy who's willing to donate axes to the homeless. 228 00:07:55,060 --> 00:07:58,716 And I've got the perfect native replacement flora, milkweed! 229 00:07:58,760 --> 00:08:01,458 Boy, oh, boy, do wasps love it. 230 00:08:01,502 --> 00:08:02,633 ♪ 231 00:08:02,677 --> 00:08:04,896 - [clears throat] 232 00:08:04,940 --> 00:08:06,811 - Hey, 233 00:08:06,855 --> 00:08:10,119 let me ask you a question. 234 00:08:10,162 --> 00:08:12,774 How do I not invite somebody to something 235 00:08:12,817 --> 00:08:14,297 without them finding out? 236 00:08:14,340 --> 00:08:16,821 - You don't. You have to invite everyone. 237 00:08:16,865 --> 00:08:18,823 We do tons of workshops in school about this. 238 00:08:18,867 --> 00:08:20,738 - School is teaching you that? 239 00:08:20,782 --> 00:08:23,219 - Exclusion is a form of relational aggression. 240 00:08:23,262 --> 00:08:24,481 - Oh, come on. 241 00:08:24,525 --> 00:08:26,570 A little exclusion builds character. 242 00:08:26,614 --> 00:08:28,572 - I assume you're trying to exclude Jayden, 243 00:08:28,616 --> 00:08:31,488 but it's not his fault. Most TikToks are bad. 244 00:08:31,532 --> 00:08:33,011 - It doesn't matter who the person is. 245 00:08:33,055 --> 00:08:34,273 I just need this meeting to go well. 246 00:08:34,317 --> 00:08:37,276 - Dad, exclusion always backfires. 247 00:08:37,320 --> 00:08:38,887 Do you remember what happened in seventh grade 248 00:08:38,930 --> 00:08:41,585 when Olivia P. didn't invite Olivia S. to a bowling party? 249 00:08:41,629 --> 00:08:43,935 - There are too many Olivias to keep track of. 250 00:08:43,979 --> 00:08:46,372 - We were at SkyBowl, just talking and having a good time, 251 00:08:46,416 --> 00:08:48,244 but Olivia P. was mad because none of us 252 00:08:48,287 --> 00:08:49,854 were taking the bowling seriously. 253 00:08:49,898 --> 00:08:51,639 - Yep, I'm following this. 254 00:08:51,682 --> 00:08:53,684 - Then, Olivia S. showed up with her parents 255 00:08:53,728 --> 00:08:56,818 in the next lane, and she went totally psycho. 256 00:08:56,861 --> 00:08:58,428 - Got it. Psycho. 257 00:08:58,471 --> 00:09:00,473 - She started screaming that she was gonna tell Ms. Adams, 258 00:09:00,517 --> 00:09:02,084 so Olivia P. panicked and was like, 259 00:09:02,127 --> 00:09:03,825 "No, this isn't my birthday party. 260 00:09:03,868 --> 00:09:05,522 We're on a bowling team." 261 00:09:05,566 --> 00:09:07,698 So we had to pretend to be the middle school bowling team 262 00:09:07,742 --> 00:09:09,395 and bowl so much. 263 00:09:09,439 --> 00:09:11,049 And they never brought the cake out, 264 00:09:11,093 --> 00:09:14,183 and they sent us the gift bags in the mail, and by that time, 265 00:09:14,226 --> 00:09:16,359 the gerbils were dead. - Ooh! 266 00:09:16,402 --> 00:09:18,361 - It's like Ms. Adams always raps, 267 00:09:18,404 --> 00:09:20,668 "Ditch the 'tude. Don't exclude." 268 00:09:20,711 --> 00:09:21,843 - Oh, boy. 269 00:09:21,886 --> 00:09:24,628 Ms. Adams should not be rapping, right? 270 00:09:24,672 --> 00:09:26,412 - No, it's really bad. 271 00:09:26,456 --> 00:09:27,762 - Yeah, even I know that. 272 00:09:27,805 --> 00:09:30,025 - Book a room at the Y. I'll do an ax seminar 273 00:09:30,068 --> 00:09:31,548 for the homeless. Then, 274 00:09:31,592 --> 00:09:34,159 we seize the Ram's stadium by eminent domain, 275 00:09:34,203 --> 00:09:35,596 fill it with dead palm trees, 276 00:09:35,639 --> 00:09:38,468 then sell the mulch. Yes! 277 00:09:39,904 --> 00:09:41,036 . 278 00:09:41,079 --> 00:09:43,647 - This building's tall, like Vegas! 279 00:09:43,691 --> 00:09:46,215 - Sure. Um, so we just have 280 00:09:46,258 --> 00:09:48,086 some standard documents to go over. 281 00:09:48,130 --> 00:09:50,349 - But first of all, congratulations. 282 00:09:50,393 --> 00:09:51,742 - I know, right? 283 00:09:51,786 --> 00:09:54,527 The timing on this baby thing is, like, perfect. 284 00:09:54,571 --> 00:09:56,312 - Oh, the timing is? 285 00:09:56,355 --> 00:09:58,183 - I just found out you have to have a license 286 00:09:58,227 --> 00:10:00,446 to make CBD dog food out of your home, 287 00:10:00,490 --> 00:10:01,796 but you don't need a license 288 00:10:01,839 --> 00:10:05,103 for cute internet kid videos. Ah! 289 00:10:05,147 --> 00:10:07,540 Plus, if I have it at a theme park, 290 00:10:07,584 --> 00:10:09,847 lawsuit. [clicks tongue] 291 00:10:09,891 --> 00:10:11,675 - And just to cross all of our Ts here, 292 00:10:11,719 --> 00:10:14,025 you and Mr. Kwapis have confirmed his paternity? 293 00:10:14,069 --> 00:10:16,593 - No, a woman knows. Right, Mystique? 294 00:10:16,637 --> 00:10:18,682 - Oh, it's Mikaela, actually. - Mikaela? 295 00:10:18,726 --> 00:10:20,379 I don't know. You look like a Mystique. 296 00:10:20,423 --> 00:10:23,208 Anyway, I know it's not any of those other guys. 297 00:10:23,252 --> 00:10:25,036 [grunts] 298 00:10:25,080 --> 00:10:26,559 - Oh, no, coffee. 299 00:10:26,603 --> 00:10:27,778 Here it comes. Look out, accident! 300 00:10:27,822 --> 00:10:31,782 - Oh, no, the paperwork. We have to redo it. 301 00:10:31,826 --> 00:10:33,479 - Not the paperwork. 302 00:10:33,523 --> 00:10:36,439 Will you come back when we redo the paperwork? 303 00:10:36,482 --> 00:10:38,484 - Sure. I'll just go lay out. 304 00:10:38,528 --> 00:10:40,356 I'm tanning for two. 305 00:10:40,399 --> 00:10:43,359 Mm! 306 00:10:43,402 --> 00:10:44,752 - Jayden. 307 00:10:44,795 --> 00:10:46,536 - I'm so sorry about the papers, guys. 308 00:10:46,579 --> 00:10:48,712 I didn't mean to. - You didn't? 309 00:10:48,756 --> 00:10:50,801 You naturally said, "Oh, no, coffee. 310 00:10:50,845 --> 00:10:52,585 Here it comes. Look out, accident"? 311 00:10:52,629 --> 00:10:53,717 - Yeah, why? 312 00:10:53,761 --> 00:10:55,240 - But you heard what she said about 313 00:10:55,284 --> 00:10:57,721 being with other guys, right? - So? 314 00:10:57,765 --> 00:10:59,157 I mean, it's not like we're exclusive. 315 00:10:59,201 --> 00:11:01,246 You guys remember Emily from the Dodgers? 316 00:11:01,290 --> 00:11:03,814 I'm not one to kiss and tell, but we hugged. 317 00:11:03,858 --> 00:11:05,598 If this was a TV show, 318 00:11:05,642 --> 00:11:06,817 it'd be called "The Romances of Jayden." 319 00:11:06,861 --> 00:11:08,732 - Okay, but you have no proof 320 00:11:08,776 --> 00:11:10,603 that you're the biological father. 321 00:11:10,647 --> 00:11:13,171 - Then out of all those guys, why did she say I was? 322 00:11:13,215 --> 00:11:14,738 - Because you're-- how do I put this? 323 00:11:14,782 --> 00:11:16,261 Extremely gullible. 324 00:11:16,305 --> 00:11:17,959 The other day, I heard you give out 325 00:11:18,002 --> 00:11:19,743 your social security number on the phone. 326 00:11:19,787 --> 00:11:22,746 - The man said I was nominated for a Social Security Award. 327 00:11:22,790 --> 00:11:24,966 - We're just saying that Samanthee is shady. 328 00:11:25,009 --> 00:11:27,620 We're only looking out for you. 329 00:11:27,664 --> 00:11:30,319 - No, I see what this is. 330 00:11:30,362 --> 00:11:31,755 Jayden is having a baby, 331 00:11:31,799 --> 00:11:33,583 and all you two have is college debt 332 00:11:33,626 --> 00:11:35,106 and rejection emails from Raya. 333 00:11:35,150 --> 00:11:36,629 - I filled out the form wrong, okay? 334 00:11:36,673 --> 00:11:38,109 It's being rectified. 335 00:11:38,153 --> 00:11:39,720 - It's like how you're jealous of your sister's baby, 336 00:11:39,763 --> 00:11:42,113 and how mad you get every time you see Neil Patrick Harris' 337 00:11:42,157 --> 00:11:43,419 "Architectural Digest" cover. 338 00:11:43,462 --> 00:11:44,899 - I'm not jealous, I just hate what they did 339 00:11:44,942 --> 00:11:46,204 with the charades room. 340 00:11:46,248 --> 00:11:49,120 - Looking out for me? As if. 341 00:11:49,164 --> 00:11:51,122 You know, you guys are uninvited to the baby shower. 342 00:11:51,166 --> 00:11:53,951 And when I do the balloon release, do not look at them. 343 00:11:53,995 --> 00:11:57,128 They are not for you. 344 00:11:57,172 --> 00:11:58,782 - Okay. 345 00:11:58,826 --> 00:12:01,132 Thank you all for coming in to meet with me. 346 00:12:01,176 --> 00:12:04,657 I know together we can find a reasonable so-- 347 00:12:04,701 --> 00:12:08,487 - Yeah, don't bother with this let's share the cost nonsense. 348 00:12:08,531 --> 00:12:12,187 That idea is a big old penguin, 'cause it ain't gonna fly. 349 00:12:12,230 --> 00:12:15,451 - Hey look, I get it, I get it. You guys need palm trees. 350 00:12:15,494 --> 00:12:17,714 Whether it's because you own a business 351 00:12:17,758 --> 00:12:21,022 with "palm" in the name or you run an outdoor boot camp. 352 00:12:21,065 --> 00:12:22,501 - What are my hot gays supposed to climb? 353 00:12:22,545 --> 00:12:24,677 - Or you're a Hollywood locations manager. 354 00:12:24,721 --> 00:12:26,679 - We're gonna have to shoot the "La La Land" sequel 355 00:12:26,723 --> 00:12:28,551 in Tampa. Tampa! 356 00:12:28,594 --> 00:12:31,684 - And obviously, you need palm fronds for Sukkot. 357 00:12:31,728 --> 00:12:33,817 So what kind of business do you run, sir? 358 00:12:33,861 --> 00:12:35,514 - A dry cleaners. - Great. 359 00:12:35,558 --> 00:12:37,473 So annually, how much do you-- 360 00:12:37,516 --> 00:12:39,736 - But that's not why I'm here. 361 00:12:39,780 --> 00:12:41,999 Using codes on license plates, 362 00:12:42,043 --> 00:12:45,350 aliens taught us how to impregnate palm trees 363 00:12:45,394 --> 00:12:47,352 and create a super race. 364 00:12:47,396 --> 00:12:50,007 - Oh, my God, this city. 365 00:12:50,051 --> 00:12:52,401 - This is my son... - What-- 366 00:12:52,444 --> 00:12:53,837 - And we're very litigious. 367 00:12:53,881 --> 00:12:57,014 - Mr. Mayor, you're gonna destroy Los Angeles. 368 00:12:57,058 --> 00:12:59,843 - And the universe. - [laughs] 369 00:12:59,887 --> 00:13:03,020 I'm just asking you to-- take that off my table. 370 00:13:03,064 --> 00:13:05,022 I'm just asking you to consider. 371 00:13:05,066 --> 00:13:06,937 That's all I'm asking from you. - Uh-uh. 372 00:13:06,981 --> 00:13:09,940 We are not playing your little game, it's insane. 373 00:13:09,984 --> 00:13:14,771 And frankly, you're being a total psycho. 374 00:13:14,815 --> 00:13:17,556 - I'm a psycho? - Mm. 375 00:13:17,600 --> 00:13:20,646 - Huh. - Hella psycho. 376 00:13:20,690 --> 00:13:22,953 What? I'm an L.A. rabbi. 377 00:13:24,215 --> 00:13:26,087 - Dad, do you have the Postmates password? 378 00:13:26,130 --> 00:13:29,917 The food here is, like, subhuman. 379 00:13:29,960 --> 00:13:32,571 - Sorry this meeting's taking so long. 380 00:13:32,615 --> 00:13:33,834 It's a disaster. 381 00:13:33,877 --> 00:13:35,836 I'm so glad I didn't invite Arpi. 382 00:13:35,879 --> 00:13:37,838 - Wait, Arpi is the one you didn't invite? 383 00:13:37,881 --> 00:13:39,056 - Hey, do me a favor. 384 00:13:39,100 --> 00:13:41,015 Take my phone, order whatever you want. 385 00:13:41,058 --> 00:13:44,018 We're downtown, so it's mostly bulk meat, but it's good. 386 00:13:44,061 --> 00:13:46,063 - Dad, palm trees are, like, Arpi's thing. 387 00:13:46,107 --> 00:13:49,501 She had a whole binder. It had color-coded tabs. 388 00:13:49,545 --> 00:13:51,242 - Sweetie, I know you think 389 00:13:51,286 --> 00:13:53,941 this is toxic Boomer-linity or whatever. 390 00:13:53,984 --> 00:13:56,465 But do not say anything to Arpi, okay? 391 00:13:56,508 --> 00:13:58,293 I gotta go. 392 00:13:58,336 --> 00:14:01,296 [light music] 393 00:14:01,339 --> 00:14:04,212 ♪ 394 00:14:04,255 --> 00:14:06,431 - Mikaela, are we jealous? 395 00:14:06,475 --> 00:14:08,869 - Of my sister's baby? No, we're both cute. 396 00:14:08,912 --> 00:14:11,436 It's not a competition unless she makes it a competition. 397 00:14:11,480 --> 00:14:13,482 - No, of Jayden. 398 00:14:13,525 --> 00:14:15,092 Was he right? 399 00:14:15,136 --> 00:14:16,659 I mean, I don't want kids per se, 400 00:14:16,702 --> 00:14:18,269 but I always thought that by now I'd at least have, like, 401 00:14:18,313 --> 00:14:20,228 a French bulldog and an at-risk teen 402 00:14:20,271 --> 00:14:21,838 I keep forgetting to mentor. - Yeah. 403 00:14:21,882 --> 00:14:23,231 Jayden is supposed to be here 404 00:14:23,274 --> 00:14:24,797 to make me feel better about myself. 405 00:14:24,841 --> 00:14:26,408 Now he's got a kid, 406 00:14:26,451 --> 00:14:28,627 and he gets his hair to curl like that without any product? 407 00:14:28,671 --> 00:14:31,282 - You know, we said we were just looking out for him, 408 00:14:31,326 --> 00:14:34,111 but if that were really true, would we have stopped 409 00:14:34,155 --> 00:14:35,983 looking out just 'cause he got mad at us? 410 00:14:36,026 --> 00:14:38,115 ♪ 411 00:14:38,159 --> 00:14:39,900 both: When was L.A. Comic-Con? 412 00:14:39,943 --> 00:14:41,162 Why would I know? 413 00:14:41,205 --> 00:14:44,121 'Cause Chris Pine is sometimes there. 414 00:14:44,165 --> 00:14:46,515 - Deputy Mayor Meskimen. - Orly. 415 00:14:46,558 --> 00:14:48,778 Tell your old man I'm almost done here. 416 00:14:48,821 --> 00:14:50,127 He asked me to find every mention 417 00:14:50,171 --> 00:14:51,999 of the word "tree" in the city charter. 418 00:14:52,042 --> 00:14:54,958 I found two, one of which was a typo for "three." 419 00:14:55,002 --> 00:14:57,134 - You were Olivia S. at the bowling party. 420 00:14:57,178 --> 00:15:01,095 - Is that a Netflix show about sexy teen suicide or... 421 00:15:01,138 --> 00:15:02,661 - My dad is trying to distract you 422 00:15:02,705 --> 00:15:04,446 so that you don't go to his palm tree meeting. 423 00:15:04,489 --> 00:15:06,404 It's happening right now. 424 00:15:06,448 --> 00:15:07,840 - Relational aggression. 425 00:15:07,884 --> 00:15:10,321 [suspenseful music] 426 00:15:10,365 --> 00:15:12,628 Orly, thank you for having my back. 427 00:15:12,671 --> 00:15:14,804 The future is female. 428 00:15:14,847 --> 00:15:17,111 - Actually, gender is a construct, 429 00:15:17,154 --> 00:15:19,287 but I'm still rooting for you. 430 00:15:19,330 --> 00:15:21,724 - Look, palm fronds don't kill people. 431 00:15:21,767 --> 00:15:23,639 Gravity kills people. 432 00:15:23,682 --> 00:15:25,815 - Only if you let it, human. 433 00:15:25,858 --> 00:15:28,078 Free your mind. - Okay. 434 00:15:28,122 --> 00:15:29,645 - Mr. Mayor, without the palm trees-- 435 00:15:29,688 --> 00:15:30,994 - In the pandemic-- 436 00:15:31,038 --> 00:15:31,995 [talking over each other] 437 00:15:32,039 --> 00:15:34,780 - We're off track here. 438 00:15:34,824 --> 00:15:38,306 - All right, I'm gonna need you all to do two types of ups: 439 00:15:38,349 --> 00:15:39,481 shut and listen. 440 00:15:39,524 --> 00:15:41,178 - Arpi, please, please calm down. 441 00:15:41,222 --> 00:15:42,571 - Oh, it's too late for that, sir. 442 00:15:42,614 --> 00:15:44,138 If you wanted calm Arpi, 443 00:15:44,181 --> 00:15:45,791 you should have invited her to the meeting. 444 00:15:45,835 --> 00:15:48,011 Now you get fired-up, 445 00:15:48,055 --> 00:15:52,015 ineptly swearing Arpi, you bitch craps. 446 00:15:52,059 --> 00:15:53,886 - If I may-- - You mayn't. 447 00:15:53,930 --> 00:15:56,411 This excessive concern 448 00:15:56,454 --> 00:15:59,501 with palm trees that you have is a sickness. 449 00:15:59,544 --> 00:16:02,025 They are not even endemic to Los Angeles. 450 00:16:02,069 --> 00:16:03,505 Nothing is. 451 00:16:03,548 --> 00:16:05,202 Not grass, not water, 452 00:16:05,246 --> 00:16:08,205 and don't get me started on people. 453 00:16:08,249 --> 00:16:10,077 - You think human beings shouldn't be here? 454 00:16:10,120 --> 00:16:11,861 - You know what the native tribes call this region? 455 00:16:11,904 --> 00:16:13,994 Nothing! Because they knew better 456 00:16:14,037 --> 00:16:15,560 than to try to live here. 457 00:16:15,604 --> 00:16:19,216 I say we return L.A. to its vacant desert state, 458 00:16:19,260 --> 00:16:20,739 and give it back to the mini wolves. 459 00:16:20,783 --> 00:16:21,958 Howl if you're with me. 460 00:16:22,002 --> 00:16:25,092 [howling] 461 00:16:31,794 --> 00:16:31,968 . 462 00:16:32,012 --> 00:16:34,710 - Hey, I said you're not invited, okay? 463 00:16:34,753 --> 00:16:36,364 So have a slice of cake, decorate a onesie, 464 00:16:36,407 --> 00:16:38,148 hug me, and then go. - It's okay. 465 00:16:38,192 --> 00:16:40,368 We're just here to drop off the new paperwork. 466 00:16:40,411 --> 00:16:42,979 [light music] 467 00:16:43,023 --> 00:16:44,807 - Where did you get that from? - We took it off your desk 468 00:16:44,850 --> 00:16:46,374 during the half hour you were in the bathroom. 469 00:16:46,417 --> 00:16:48,680 - Because I have problems urinating. 470 00:16:48,724 --> 00:16:51,161 - It shows a fetal development of eight weeks, tops. 471 00:16:51,205 --> 00:16:54,469 But L.A. Comic-Con was three months ago, 472 00:16:54,512 --> 00:16:58,647 over a month before that was made. 473 00:16:58,690 --> 00:17:02,129 - But that's impossible because of time. 474 00:17:02,172 --> 00:17:05,175 But when I was at Comic-Con, I got my picture taken 475 00:17:05,219 --> 00:17:06,829 inside the "Back to the Future" DeLorean. 476 00:17:06,872 --> 00:17:08,222 So maybe-- - Oh, my God! 477 00:17:08,265 --> 00:17:10,746 Just forget it. 478 00:17:10,789 --> 00:17:13,009 You're not the father, okay? 479 00:17:13,053 --> 00:17:15,446 - What? No! 480 00:17:15,490 --> 00:17:17,100 No, my proposal is off the table. 481 00:17:17,144 --> 00:17:19,798 It is off the table, and it is on the floor. 482 00:17:19,842 --> 00:17:22,932 There's no five-second rule, the cat's got it! 483 00:17:25,456 --> 00:17:27,458 - Thanks a lot. 484 00:17:27,502 --> 00:17:28,764 Now I have to track down the real dad, 485 00:17:28,807 --> 00:17:30,940 Zac Efron's trainer. 486 00:17:30,983 --> 00:17:34,726 - That guy must be hot. - And outstanding at his job. 487 00:17:34,770 --> 00:17:37,033 - Why wouldn't you just go to him in the first place? 488 00:17:37,077 --> 00:17:40,776 - Because Jayden would actually be, like, nice to the kid, 489 00:17:40,819 --> 00:17:43,431 teach it stuff, give it a better name, 490 00:17:43,474 --> 00:17:45,389 than whatever I'll come up with. 491 00:17:45,433 --> 00:17:47,783 I'm thinking "Vape" spelled with a dollar sign? 492 00:17:47,826 --> 00:17:49,350 - Where would it go? 493 00:17:49,393 --> 00:17:52,831 - After, in parentheses. Ugh! 494 00:17:52,875 --> 00:17:55,965 - Ideally, the San Andreas Fault snaps 495 00:17:56,008 --> 00:17:58,098 and just catapults everything south of Hollister 496 00:17:58,141 --> 00:18:00,056 into the ocean, and we start over. 497 00:18:00,100 --> 00:18:01,927 - Look, look, you can leave if you want to, 498 00:18:01,971 --> 00:18:03,929 but we still have to figure this out, hmm? 499 00:18:03,973 --> 00:18:05,583 - I want a one-on-one tomorrow. 500 00:18:05,627 --> 00:18:08,151 - Oh, yeah, I'm not available tomorrow. 501 00:18:08,195 --> 00:18:09,500 - But I'm free, 502 00:18:09,544 --> 00:18:11,937 as free as every prisoner in America should be, 503 00:18:11,981 --> 00:18:14,723 and I take prescription lozenges so I can just talk. 504 00:18:14,766 --> 00:18:17,334 - Okay, Arpi, you got what you want. 505 00:18:17,378 --> 00:18:18,553 This show is yours. 506 00:18:18,596 --> 00:18:20,859 - How's 4:00 a.m. for you folks tomorrow? 507 00:18:20,903 --> 00:18:23,819 - I think someone mentioned half earlier? 508 00:18:23,862 --> 00:18:26,256 Us paying half. Could we just do that? 509 00:18:26,300 --> 00:18:28,780 - Oh, yeah, but you had turned down my offer. 510 00:18:28,824 --> 00:18:31,609 - 60%, we'll pay 60. 511 00:18:31,653 --> 00:18:34,525 Let's just stop talking about it, okay? 512 00:18:36,745 --> 00:18:38,529 - That worked out swell, didn't it? 513 00:18:38,573 --> 00:18:42,794 We just saved the city $30 million. 514 00:18:42,838 --> 00:18:45,493 Bus lane. Here come the buses. 515 00:18:45,536 --> 00:18:49,061 [laughs] Oh, I'm good. 516 00:18:49,105 --> 00:18:50,193 - You used me. 517 00:18:50,237 --> 00:18:52,413 You made me a non-consensual bad cop 518 00:18:52,456 --> 00:18:54,110 to get your filthy compromise. 519 00:18:54,154 --> 00:18:57,374 - I didn't use you, Arpi. I would never-- 520 00:18:57,418 --> 00:18:59,898 oh, for-- Okay, all right. 521 00:18:59,942 --> 00:19:03,075 Maybe I lightly utilized you. 522 00:19:03,119 --> 00:19:04,207 I didn't plan it, 523 00:19:04,251 --> 00:19:06,035 but they wouldn't come to their senses, 524 00:19:06,078 --> 00:19:08,690 so yeah, yeah, I had a little helper, 525 00:19:08,733 --> 00:19:12,172 trick my bad cop into interrupting the meeting. 526 00:19:12,215 --> 00:19:14,565 - Wait, what? 527 00:19:14,609 --> 00:19:17,525 - Right, you're here. I love you. 528 00:19:17,568 --> 00:19:19,570 - You wanted her to. 529 00:19:21,050 --> 00:19:22,486 You used me! 530 00:19:22,530 --> 00:19:24,706 - Okay, okay, whoa, whoa, whoa, wait, wait, wait, wait. 531 00:19:24,749 --> 00:19:26,534 [sighs] Okay. 532 00:19:26,577 --> 00:19:28,144 So you didn't learn anything from me? 533 00:19:28,188 --> 00:19:29,754 - Oh, but I did. 534 00:19:29,798 --> 00:19:31,713 Remember your birthday party story? 535 00:19:31,756 --> 00:19:34,846 Olivia P. got exactly what she wanted. 536 00:19:34,890 --> 00:19:37,327 Everyone agreed to hunker down and bowl because 537 00:19:37,371 --> 00:19:40,896 Olivia S. was screaming like a lunatic. 538 00:19:40,939 --> 00:19:44,073 Arpi, in this metaphor, bowling-- 539 00:19:44,116 --> 00:19:47,076 - Yeah, we get it. - We are not idiots, sir. 540 00:19:49,296 --> 00:19:53,082 - Yeah, I don't like the two of you on the same side. 541 00:19:53,125 --> 00:19:55,127 - Get him. - No, not my face. 542 00:19:56,303 --> 00:19:59,697 ♪ 543 00:19:59,741 --> 00:20:02,874 - Hey, mind if we sit down? 544 00:20:02,918 --> 00:20:06,530 - I don't know, can you? 545 00:20:06,574 --> 00:20:08,097 - Listen, Jayden, 546 00:20:08,140 --> 00:20:10,142 what we said before about Samanthee... 547 00:20:10,186 --> 00:20:12,275 - Yeah, we thought she looked at you and saw 548 00:20:12,319 --> 00:20:14,582 someone who'd believe whatever she told him. 549 00:20:14,625 --> 00:20:15,974 - Oh, really? 550 00:20:16,018 --> 00:20:17,280 Well, but I didn't believe her when she said 551 00:20:17,324 --> 00:20:18,542 I look like Josh Gad. 552 00:20:18,586 --> 00:20:20,544 I knew that was just pillow talk. 553 00:20:20,588 --> 00:20:23,634 - The point is, we were wrong. 554 00:20:23,678 --> 00:20:26,071 She chose you because she knew that 555 00:20:26,115 --> 00:20:28,683 out of all the guys who could be the father, 556 00:20:28,726 --> 00:20:30,728 she knew you'd be the best father. 557 00:20:30,772 --> 00:20:33,470 - And you will be someday. 558 00:20:33,514 --> 00:20:36,778 - Oh, wow. 559 00:20:36,821 --> 00:20:39,215 Thank you. 560 00:20:39,259 --> 00:20:42,305 Until then, I have my work family, where I'm the baby. 561 00:20:42,349 --> 00:20:43,915 - No, Jayden, we're not doing that. 562 00:20:43,959 --> 00:20:45,221 - But I'm thirsty. 563 00:20:45,265 --> 00:20:47,441 I want juice. - Absolutely not. 564 00:20:47,484 --> 00:20:49,530 - It's just easier if we get him juice, Mikaela. 565 00:20:49,573 --> 00:20:51,053 - ♪ I'm just a loser 566 00:20:51,096 --> 00:20:52,968 ♪ Shouldn't be with ya 567 00:20:53,011 --> 00:20:54,709 ♪ Guess I'm a quitter 568 00:20:54,752 --> 00:20:55,797 ♪ While you're 569 00:20:55,840 --> 00:20:56,928 ♪ Out there drinking 570 00:20:56,972 --> 00:20:58,669 ♪ I'm just here thinking 571 00:20:58,713 --> 00:20:59,844 ♪ About where 572 00:20:59,888 --> 00:21:01,063 ♪ I should've been 573 00:21:01,106 --> 00:21:02,325 ♪ I've been lonely 574 00:21:02,369 --> 00:21:03,674 ♪ Mm, ah, yeah 575 00:21:03,718 --> 00:21:05,763 ♪ La, la, la, la, whoo! 576 00:21:05,807 --> 00:21:07,330 - I feel wonderful today. 577 00:21:07,374 --> 00:21:09,854 Look at my little outfit. 578 00:21:09,898 --> 00:21:11,682 - I know I don't understand social media, 579 00:21:11,726 --> 00:21:13,815 but this seems bad, right? 580 00:21:13,858 --> 00:21:15,860 - What? No. [cell phone chiming] 581 00:21:15,904 --> 00:21:18,167 - Oh, the comments. 582 00:21:18,210 --> 00:21:21,344 "Dr. Frankenstein and his monster"? 583 00:21:21,388 --> 00:21:23,259 Which one am I? 584 00:21:23,303 --> 00:21:25,305 - Good night, everybody! - Good night!